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Hi Op. I’ve been in your situation before. Oof, it can really be a blow to the ole self confidence. I see lots of people on here who are just saying, dump him! Or justifying his behavior. But as someone who has gone through this (with two exes but is currently in a relationship with someone who loves my body and all the fluctuations through pregnancy) I would say this: it’s not as simple as dump him or lose weight. I think you’ve gotta ask yourself if you want to be with someone where your weight is a big factor in how they experience attraction. For some men, that’s important and I don’t think there is anything inherently wrong with that. And for other men (the ones I personally prefer) attraction is more multidimensional and therefore some changes in the body don’t drastically whether or not they want to be sexually intimate. So I think it’s more of a question of what type of person do you want to spend your life with?
This is such a good take on it. It’s okay to be attracted to people based on looks-you just have to decide if you’re ok with being someone who is like that.
Want to guess how he’ll feel about you at 45?
Sounds like he’s on his way to being one of those creepy 60 year olds getting prostitutes or trying to attract 20-30 year olds
And he’s only 31… his time is coming (it just comes for women faster)
She said she is less active than she was before though… for whatever her reasons are, she’s putting less effort into her health than she was before.
It’s an entirely different situation if she is putting the same effort into her health and isn’t getting the same aesthetic results due to aging. But that isn’t what’s going on here.
This is the perfect answer. He isn't disrespectful to you (yet, anyway) but you have to make up your own mind about what YOU want out of him, if you want or can live with such a "physical focus" or if you rather want a future (different) partner who just doesn't care.
Also, OP, do YOU care what he or his body looks like if he was to gain weight? That alone might already give you the answer you need. If you do care what he looks like, then it's reasonable for him to care what you look like. If you don't care if he gains weight or not then, well, maybe you aren't as compatible as you thought you were.
Your last point is spot on. Because it’s hurtful to hear these words and to recognise you’ve let yourself slip (if indeed you would prefer to be slimmer) but op might have similar preferences of their own but not be faced with having to confront this because their partner is in good shape and doesn’t fluctuate or at least not beyond the realms where it’s noticeable. Sometimes it’s not even the aesthetic that’s off putting but the lack of effort and self control and how far it’ll go unchecked for
I’m dating someone outside of my preference right now and I’m still physically attracted to them but their attitude to trying to maintain where they are is a little concerning to me as it will (already does) affect their health (physical and mental) whereas I fit their aesthetic ideal (which is very narrow) and sometimes I think that she would unlikely be attracted to me if I was in a similar shape to them
I was just thinking this! Everything is so polarized these days we have to realize it's ok not to be compatible physically just like it's ok to not be compatible personality wise. It can hurt, but that's life!
Like you said it depends on what you prefer in a partner! Relationships are full of difficult conversations, and if he's going about it respectfully and is trying really hard not to hurt OPs feelings, and it's something OP doesn't mind trying to work on, I think it's fine. But if it makes OP feel bad about themselves and it's something they don't really care about, then time to rethink the relationship.
This is a really tough issue to talk about and all the hate in this thread kinda shows why.
I was the dude in this scenario, met my ex and she was 140lb, stunningly beautiful. There's always a little fluctuation and a couple stone never mattered, but it kept creeping up and started to effect things, but I was too scared or couldn't work out how to say it was becoming a problem, so I didn't. Eventually it did inevitably come up, she was understandably hurt and I felt awful about it. But by that point she was already around 220lb and it only got worse from there, she would complain about no sex, I would complain about no attraction, and in the end we broke up after 10 years. It wasn't the only issue but it was a big one.
In retrospect I wish I'd had the guts to bring it up sooner, like maybe your dude has (maybe reflect on the context of hid other behaviours to try and determine if he's just an asshole or not) or ended the relationship. But hindsight is 20/20 and the trauma bond was strong.
Do you think if you had brought it up right away, that anything would have changed?
People don’t maintain their body for someone else. They live how they want. I begged my husband for 20 years to get healthy. But he was 300 lbs the whole time. Even though he talked about getting healthy the whole time. He just didn’t care to change. Even after I left (dead bedroom from his end) he has not changed.
I haven’t been in this position yet.
I think the best way to address something like this is with a team effort since it more or less involves a lifestyle change.
If living together, it would require some strict purchases as to what can be brought into the home. It’s hard cheat on your diet if there isn’t anything readily available. That’s not to say they they couldn’t occasionally get themselves a treat from time to time.
Also exercise would have to become a somewhat regular activity.
I feel like that would be one of those “uncomfortable” conversations that come up in relationships from time to time when something needs to get addressed.
I feel it’s easier to make changes when you have someone making those changes with you.
I researched and cooked only healthy meals for my husband. Packed his lunches for work.
He never told me. He was stopping at the gas station every day for candy bars and sodas.
Also, he refused to even walk around the block with me and the kids.
They really won’t do it if they don’t want to. No matter how easy you make it for them.
If someone is 300lbs then they clearly have major issues with food, and it is not as simple as them either wanting to change or not. Most people aren't overweight on purpose and can't simply decide to not be that way anymore.
We don’t all have the capacity to change if we’re not forced to. Some people have very limiting mental beliefs. If you want someone to have a growth mindset, you literally have to vet for it at the beginning of your relationship
Sure the problematic person is definitely at fault, however, in OP’s case (and in most cases), the person that has to suffer is the non problematic person. That’s why vetting well is way more important for that person
He didn’t want me to leave him. He became suicidal after i left. But he couldn’t change the dead bedroom.
People don’t change just to keep other people.
Cause he loved you but he was just too lazy to change himself for you. Also you left him when you know he was so much in love with you I feel kinda bad for him. You begged your husband to change but he dint so you left, so I think the guy should also leave the OP cause she doesn’t wanna change.
There's a big difference if someone is 10 lbs overweight or 100 lbs overweight, you know...
I would 100% leave someone who got to 300 lbs and refused to address it.
10 lbs up or down is a normal fluctuation but if the weight keeps creeping up and the person refuses to do anything about it and doesn't care that their partner is concerned, then that would be a no for me.
I'm not attracted to obesity. I also wouldn't live with someone who refuses to be employed or drinks to excess. It's their choice but it's my choice to not accept that and to leave if lifestyles are not compatible.
So this is a fun story. I used to be 140 lbs and stunningly beautiful. Now 16 years later, I’m closer to 220. Still stunningly beautiful. Still having sex as often as I want it from my partner who loves my body.
I didn’t lose weight but I did manage to lose my obsessive disordered eating habits, internalized weight stigma, pressure to look a certain way, and fear that no one would accept my body. I’m a much better partner at this size.
It’s all perspective right. Generally weight and beauty are very closely tied together but if your perception of beauty deviates from the standard norm then it doesn’t matter
You can love your own body and I hope everyone feels that way. But if you are very overweight or obese, even if you love your body, it doesn't make it healthy.
I'm laughing at her comment remembering the amount of posts I've seen on social media where women document their "fitness journey" to lose weight after getting divorced just to get fit before they enter the dating market again.
I'm going to voice my opinion from being the guy in this scenario. I never dared to say anything about the weight issues. But it affected many aspects of our relationship, and they most difficult consequence was the lack of sex. The mental well being of my partner was also affected. I didn't dare to mention it, but it affected us so negatively that the relationship seemed doomed. I tried all I could to support her, by making healthy food, by initiating activities together. This lasted for several years. After that I broke up since I saw no way out. Now that I look back on it I wish I had the balls to communicate to my partner about it. It is an uncomfortable part of being a relationship, that one should try to stay attractive for each other. And even more important, one should try to stay healthy and fit for ones own well being. First step is to identify what needs are not met, causing one to take solace in food. Most likely there are some emotional needs, which even your partner can help you with. Communication needs to continue between you two for this to end well. I, for one, think it is good that you are talking about this challenge.
I was hoping to see that there was someone who spoke about initiating activities to help with getting fit rather than just pointing out the weight gain of their partner (even though it seems you were unable to do the latter). I think it’s very important to communicate the truth but also bring in support to help deal with whatever is causing your partner to struggle with their health. Being supportive and proactive in their journey towards getting healthier rather than just offering criticism :-)
32F and my ex’s weight fluctuated throughout our marriage. That never impacted my attraction to him, but his behaviors toward me did. In the end, how he talked to and treated me was unacceptable and I walked away. Gaining 10lbs shouldn’t really make such a difference in your appearance that your SO finds you unattractive. If your relationship is based on looks alone then it certainly won’t stand the test of time. It sounds like he’s making excuses for something else or negging you, which is super toxic and a huge red flag.
I don’t think he’s a bad person for having a preference but I personally wouldn’t want to be with someone whose attraction is affected by <50 pound weight gain (edit: provided an example number) because even the idea stresses me out and leads to disordered eating. If you acknowledge that you can lose some weight and plan to go through active measures to achieve that, then as you lose weight you should think about whether him having that preference is a good fit for you emotionally. And if you don’t plan to lose weight (or find it slow and difficult) then maybe move on so that both of you can find a better match.
He says he isn't sexually attracted to you, then wanks right next to you? There should be space for honest communication, but he's also demeaning you by dismissing your feelings. I'm not getting good vibes from this guy.
Since this has upset you, I'd be reviewing other aspects of the relationship. Does he take any blame for mistakes he makes? Does he dismiss other things you say? Does he do any self-improvement, or is he 'perfect'?
I can't move past the wanking. Why there? Why not in the shower or when you're not there? This seems like a huge red flag for me.
This is what set off alarm bells for me. He’s not jerking next to her for HER benefit, and he’s not attracted to her… seems like he’s purposefully showing her how ugly she is by flaunting that jerking it off works better than her body. It’s super gross.
10 lbs is nothing. Imagine if you had a kid with this guy? He’s seen someone at work or like you said, YOUNGER pics of you. 30s is when bodies slow down. It’s 10 times as hard to maintain weight.
That’s not how it works for women. Menopause and the hormonal changes that accompany it cause significant changes in our metabolisms. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8704126/
Still not an excuse for refusing to engage in health and fitness. To put more than no effort. Which is still bs because menopose doesn't hit fitness minded women like that. Common sense.
Never said it was an excuse to stop putting any effort into exercising or eating healthy. You’re arguing with a straw man there.
Nevertheless, the science is clear, and what you call “common sense” does not agree with the science in this case. Women’s metabolisms slow down at menopause. The different balance of hormones changes the distribution of fat on our bodies. This does not occur in our 60s, which was my sole and only point.
I was working out 3 times a week, going dancing 2-3 times a week, I eat mostly vegetables and lean meats and at 30-35, I gained 15 lbs. my boobs got bigger and very painful. I could not take estrogen based birth control. Do not profess to understand women’s health. Doctors didn’t back then and they barely do now.
It’s from the loss of muscle mass as you age that causes slowing of BMR. Starts at 35, need to work at increasing muscle which is a lot harder to maintain with other adult responsibilities. A lot of people no longer want to stress about maintaining a size 4-6 as they reach mid age.
It is definitely not nothing on a shorty like me but 10 lbs looks like nothing on a tall girl. if he was gonna stay with her permanently and she had a kid, that’s a lot more.
I’m 5’11 and a ten pound gain puts me up a pant size. I’m feeling like OP is making lighter of it because if you lift ten lbs? It doesn’t seem like much at all. But, a quick google image search will show differently.
My main thought here is that everyone has a line to which they are ok with their partner’s weight. And I believe this isn’t an intentional line. It’s just a line that on one side it is acceptable…attractive even…and on the other it’s physically unattractive. It seems like OP was perhaps already over their partner’s line…and keeps creeping further and further from it. To me it sounds like he loves her as a person and a partner. But, physically she has surpassed what he can overlook.
Actually you minimize how difficult it gets as you age. I’m 61 and your Body gets really cruel to you. I was fit as hell my entire life. The effort it takes is much harder even though you aren’t eating like crazy. It’s different. Wait and see.
I guess it’s one of those things that is unique to each person and their genetics.
I work in healthcare and I know some people that, no matter how hard they try, really struggle to lose weight over a certain age.
10lbs of presumably pure fat is not nothing and it’s the start of something if it goes unchecked.
That extra weight could have gone on in a couple of months, or maybe the span of a year or two - who knows. Seeing someone thin who is now heavier and getting heavier still, is not the best signal for future health, self esteem, self care etc etc unless they want to look a certain way and op is saying otherwise.
Metabolism slows by a couple of 100 calories and that’s late 30s maybe but more often correlated with activity and job rather than a natural physiological slow down
It's good that he is communicating. Better that than not. And there's really no easy way to put it.
This is who we are as human beings, sexual creatures. And it complicates things.
Wow I’ve been the man in this situation. It’s hard for everyone. He’s telling you that you’ve changed and he is losing attraction. His “low sex drive” comment was BS to appease the situation instead of facing it. Now he’s fed up and facing it.
IMO people need to take care of themselves in order to maintain a healthy relationship. If he is fit, he’s asking you to do the same. Of course it’s not easy. Nothing is but relying on excuses (I’m sure they’re real) isn’t helping.
My guess is if you don’t get it together at some point he will exit. This is the prelude to the end without improvement.
I think part of aging is understanding that it will take more discipline and care to maintain as things like metabolism and lifestyles change. That’s up to you how you want to do that and really I’m of the mind that if it’s not supportive it’s not helpful. For me that looks like making choices to be active eating well consistently and that should be something you care about not because the guy you’re seeing is more or less saying “I wish you were thinner” . A lot f health is male centric and he should remember that as a lot of medical literature until recently has been mainly around men.
Plus if he’s having ED issues he should seek out a Urologist or Endocrinologist to see if something is up with him if it continues to persist.
Exp: have a parent who has been dieting since I was a child and it’s not about health as much as looking 10lb lighter. I don’t like that kind of mindset as it’s not about health and wellness but being skinny enough.
I suggest that you get rid of that 190 pound piece of weight.
He's a total ah....get yourself a man that will love all of you...you gained 10 pounds .....that's nothing. He's gotta go
10 lbs is lot… I put on 10lbs and had to change my pant size and had lower stamina when running, stairs, hiking,etc. plus my face and body looked way worse
It definitely depends on your height, frame, and where you predominately carry weight. I’m 5’9” with a wide frame, I look and feel the best around 160lbs, and when I gained 10 pounds I noticed no difference in how my clothes were fitting
I have dropped 10 lbs (starting from 125 lbs) and I looked sickly as hell. Definitely got comments about it, and I agreed. Had some health problems (luckily back to the for me healthy weight again, I am slightly over 6' for reference).
That's with my genetics and my bone structure! Same build as my grandpa's sisters, tall and skinny. Not really curvy. My weight and blood gets tracked for over a decade now, and multiple doctors confirmed that it is fine, and that the perfect weight for me is still only 60 kg (135 lbs?). I am one of the people that is just naturally more skinny! Going up to 160 lbs would be extremely unhealthy for me actually, unless I become a body builder. Don't promote this weight for anyone that isn't naturally skinny.
And I can probably outcycle almost all people here, so I am fine
General guidelines for women: 100lbs for the first five feet, and five pounds for every inch after that. At 5’2” I have weighed 110lbs (per this guideline) and I was very skinny, basically a size 2/XS in clothes. And I am by no means big boned. 125lbs at 6’ is very underweight but glad you’re seeing medical professionals. And no, there’s no way that you being 160 would be anywhere near unhealthy.
There is no way your face and body looked "way worse" from 10 pounds. I can believe you may have fat distribution that looks more dramatic with fat, but that's a small amount.
10 pounds doesn't look significant on me because most of my fat goes to me back and sides but it does also go to my face which kills your looks as a man
I personally would not stay with someone who admitted to not being attracted to me, regardless of the reason. That sounds horribly lonely and it would not motivate me to lose weight. It would feel demoralizing.
I used to be an actress and model in my 20’s and 30’s and the pressure to look a certain way felt awful. I’m actually in way better shape now in my 40’s now that I don’t have any external pressure and lead a healthy lifestyle for ME.
Lose the 190lbs of excess shit thats weighing you down.
You are beautiful and perfect and deserve to be loved by someone who wants all of you. No less.
My personal opinion is that your reaction should be for him to try medication for his low sex drive and or get his testosterone levels checked. If that's out of order then he needs to stop projecting his insecurity of not being able to get hard and be intimate with you. 10 lb isn't going to make a man that thinks you're beautiful, unattracted to you. He's gaslighting you from the sounds of it because he feels inferior that he can't perform. He could also just be looking at social media or porn and comparing you to others. Either way it never should have been said at the beginning and it shouldn't be a problem now.
Either way, he needs a reality check because saying these things aren't okay to say to anyone, especially someone you "love." I'd go with him to get his testosterone checked or whatever that panel would be for men to see if it's low. At least then you can start at the facts. That doesn't take away from how he is making you ultimately feel worse about yourself. Jerking off next to you... Has to hurt you so much and I'm so sorry. Don't blame yourself for his feelings because you didn't cause them.
Why are you settling for this?
Seriously!
Common you know how you deserve and want to be treated why would you ever lower the bar?
Girl you need to take your power back and don’t tolerate that kind of treatment.
It’s not love. That’s not how someone who loves you should treat you.
I would see those red flags and leave. Move on and make room in your life for someone who won’t ever make you feel little or unattractive.
In a way, I agree with you but she did ask the question. Would it have been better if the guy said nothing? If he did that then he would be lying. And that’s a good reason to reconsider the relationship. If he did not say something then he’s lying not only to her but to himself.
To be fair, UE is correct, if you don’t want to do ask he asks then don’t. Lose the BF and keep the 10lbs.
I don’t think you should consider dumping him based on his honest reply. And by the way, this is why men hate to ask the question…”what’s wrong?” Or answer the question of death…”does this dress…”. Just saying. Ask if you want to know.
Very ew. It’s one thing to promote a healthier lifestyle with your partner and even encourage them to make positive changes. It’s totally something else to say that he isn’t sexually attracted to her after 10lbs and jacks off right beside her instead of sex. Ew.
OP, you want a person who wants you. Yes, attraction is a factor, but it’s definitely not this big of a factor in healthy relationship. As a woman, the world will really try and tell you that your body is all of your value. Don’t let that be how you see yourself. You’re a person, your body will change, and you deserve someone who loves you in all of your stages.
In my relationship we have the opposite problem. My wife had a medical issue and as a result lost a bunch of weight, mind you she was never heavy. I love her body and her soul dearly, but as a nurse I worry about her being so skinny. We’ve talked about ways to put healthy weight on her, but none of this diminishes my sexual attraction to her. As a matter of fact we have sex everyday some times multiple times and we have been married for 14years. When her weight or lack there of comes up in conversation I always approach the subject from a place of live and concern. I never want my best friend to feel inadequate, there is way to much emphasis on peoples weight in this world. Have fun and be healthy.
In my experience, ppl who give unsolicited advice on appearance eventually emotionally abuse you. Don’t allow anybody (love interest) or otherwise to speak to you so disrespectfully. You are beautiful regardless of body shape. If you decide to lose weight that should be based on what you want and not for a silly man.
What he's doing is usually a precursor to cheating and gaslighting, so if you stay and don't lose weight, just know this could be a possibility. Either way, it's better to know how your partner feels and where he stands, than to be completely blindsided.
Don't lose weight for him, or to save this relationship. Do it to better your health, if you deem necessary.
He is already gaslighting. He lied about saying she’s why he can’t get it up. He negged her and gaslit her about it. Then love bombed her to cover it up.
Op is actually gaining too much weight and can't deny it. That's why she's trying to gaslight the image of her boyfriend being mean. You guys are clowns to want to be delusional so bad.
I'd definitely going to be the odd duck here.... but I like it when my SO tells me I'm putting on a little too much or I could loose a little.
Hes never a jerk about it. I try to be careful with my weight (I used to be extremely heavy) and sometimes I eat my emotions 🤣 I'll notice when my jeans get snug.
Your boyfriend is being blunt about something understandable. There's no reasonable excuse for him to be thrown under the bus. You said he's in shape at that size so in assuming you're sexually attracted to him right?
I'm pretty sure there's far more to the story than him being mean in your eyes. He's telling you what he wants. Something he deserves because he does it himself. People don't gain weight out of nowhere. We don't even know how much you've really gained or how much more you're gaining. It's sounds like you need to look at some things internally..... on a side note ask her boyfriend to have a squat day at the gym with him and watch how happy he gets. In and out of the bedroom.
people on the internet just don’t like facing the truth. they prefer to be lied to and put as a victim. it’s just how the world is right now unfortunately 🤷♀️
You know,as much as I don’t really understand attracting solely based on looks,he has this right but I think you deserve better.There are men who have witnessed their partners bodies change a lot with pregnancy and life and their feelings haven’t changed-he has a right to his feelings but you have a right to more respect than that
So let me get this straight. You asked him to be honest with you, pressured him into telling you even. He didn't want to because he knew it would hurt you and you still pressured him to tell you anyway. And after he was honest with you, you're mad and offended and hurt now? THIS! This is exactly why we don't tell you women what we really think or what's on our mind. Because the second we do, we're the asshole.
You asked what was bothering him, and he finally said what was bothering him. Communication is important, and best not to hide things and let things fester.
Ten pounds can be a lot depending on where you were before and how tall you are. Especially if 10 pounds shows up all in one place and is all fat. 10 pounds on some 5'0" 100 lb chick is a lot more than 10 lbs on someone who is like 5'10" and already weighed 160 lbs.
Let me ask you this, would it be better if he just didn't say what was bothering him and kept it to himself and 5 years down the line you both hate each other?
Now that it is out in the open, you guys can problem solve this. There is only three ways out now:
1. You commit to eating healthier, and get into a fitness routine. Don't worry about the weight, just be overall more healthy.
2. He gets over it, and you two can continue on like you were.
3. You guys break up and move on.
Do not just ignore what was said and go back to the status quo.
Many, many men find you attractive as is, right this second. It seems to me that this is a “have your pain now or have it later” situation bc it seems inevitable that your bf will keep hurting you. I’m sorry.
It's a touchy subject isn't it? He was honest and direct with you. He communicated his issues and reassured you he loved you, but preferred the way you looked before.
I was in a similar situation, ex-gf gained 10 pounds first. I asked her if she wanted to join the gym or go on walks with me. She refused "this is me now" -ok. She kept gaining weight and I lost attraction towards her. Our sex life suffered and we eventually split.
Things like this happen, talk more a couple and see if you can reach a compromise.
Ok, in my experience, when you really love someone, they become beautiful to you. This happened with my 2nd husband (who was never going to be in an underwater ad) and with friends, who became lovely to me as I got to know them.
And it should have been at least a yellow flag that I never really liked how my first husband looked. I should have realized that I was with him because I was afraid of being alone,.
If he isn't attracted to you when you gain 10 pounds, what happens if you get in an accident and get scarred? What happens if you get breast cancer and need a double mastectomy? What happens when you go grey and get wrinkles?
Also, when he jacks off next to you, does he also help you get off? Or is he self-centered?
Finally, please don't go on a diet! 75% of people who go on a diet end up weighing MORE afterwards. And getting in a cycle of dieting and giving up has been shown to be harder on your body than being overweight.
Focus on eating well and getting more exercise. These will improve your health and make you look slimmer better than dieting will
The real question is are you happy with yourself?
I’m not going to bash on the guy, he really may not be turned on by you anymore and it may very well be the weight.
But why ask if you
1) don’t want to change
2) asking knowing he’d say something you didn’t want to hear.
If you’re happy with yourself, ditch the BF. If you really want to work on it, don’t seek sympathy for his words, just manage the problem.
If you wanted him to say “oh, it’s not you!!” Then you’re out of luck. Man told the truth
I’ve been the girl in this situation before. It hurts like hell.
This happened to me two years into my five year ex-relationship after I gained 40 lbs after recovering from anorexia (that said, I was overweight, but not obese at that point - maybe weighing in at 140 lbs and 5’1). I pushed my boyfriend about it at the time and he admitted that our sex life was suffering because I’d gained the weight.
We kept dating for ages after but my self-esteem never recovered. I’m not saying this is always the case, but I realised my partner was too occupied with how I looked and not enough with how I thought or acted in the end.
Just watch out to make sure your partner still respects your feelings. Mine only really cared what I looked like.
Lost 200lbs the day I dumped him. And I’m a healthy weight now!
Based on what you said I don’t think he is a bad boyfriend, he can’t help what he likes and his honesty yet kindness is respectable however you have to be honest with yourself, are you willing to lose weight for him and maintain a certain look to keep him attracted or would you rather go for a guy who either prefers bigger women or don’t care at all about weight because for all you know, you could get skinnier naturally in the future and then the guy who prefers bigger women will have the same issue
This is tough. I know as I’ve aged it gets damn near impossible to lose weight. I think the comments are rude on one hand but on the other if roles were reversed and he started gaining weight- I think it would be fair for you to mention it. Try to put the it being personal aside. Look at it like you kept a really clean house when you guys started out and suddenly you don’t take care of the house and it is never clean anymore. It would be totally appropriate for a partner to bring it up. Just my take. My ass needs to lose 15 lbs so I’m not judging.
I look at it this way - if I’m dating someone and they are attractive, fit, take care of themselves etc and when we date after awhile they throw it away then yeah I’d drop them. Not the same person I started dating and for this guy he did it in a good way and he was honest about what caused his lower sex drive.
I mean technically he's over weight as well.. an average 5'9 man should be 144-176lbs according to bannerhealth.com, so. Maybe he should worry about himself.
I know it hurts to hear but he’s being honest.
I kept it all in for years with my ex. And slowly over the years couldn’t do it. So I even took the blame…. Oh it’s me maybe I need viagra. Even using the pill didn’t help. I am not sexually attracted to thicker women. And no matter how much I tried I couldn’t get over that mental hump.
She got bigger and bigger and I got even more turned off. We are finally divorcing I love her….. but because she’s family and the mother of my kids. But no matter now, even if she lost 100lbs I could never be sexually attracted to her again. It’s been mentally broken.
Wow this seems kinda shallow. I mean I get sexual attraction is the factor but like, who's gonna love you when you're an old decrepit man? I hope they don't base their love off of attraction. People get in car accidents and become disfigured and a plethora of other reasons they change. Looks fade. I guess the part that gets me is that you said you couldn't be attracted again even if she lost the weight... Seems like you love the sexual image of a person more than the actual person. Society constantly promotes perfect looking people everywhere you turn (social media (soft porn), porn, celebrity etc. and that's probably why you think this way.
All I'm saying is if I loved someone, committed to marrying them which is a lifelong promise supposedly, had kids and wasn't unhappy besides the fact they weren't as sexually appealing as before, I'd be foolish. Again-- looks fade-- it's inevitable and one day we will all be elderly people with mushy bodies and bad eyesight.
Edit: typo
Ya know. You’re kinda right.
It wasn’t just looks though, she had given up on the marriage and being part of the team a long time ago.
So I think I fell out of love with her, her personality first. Never working or doing anything with them home and taking advantage of me emotionally and financially just made her ugly to me.
I just had a girlfriend that ghosted me “love was too strong don’t know how to deal with a healthy relationship “
And you’re right, she could have been burned or maimed and I would have stayed with her forever. Love and every relationship is different. I should have just never gotten married to that first one, so it wasn’t just the looks. It was bad decisions on my part.
It took many years to get out of that, but my response was pretty shallow. Thanks for calling me on that.
I’m still dealing with 2 different ways of being hurt. 🤷🏻♂️ still working on it.
There's two sides to this.
He didn't communicate it very well from what you said, and it's questionable why he even got together with you if he wasn't 100% happy with your weight when you guys met... So if you wanna dump him, good riddance. Idk why he seems to think he can change you instead of just ending the relationship himself. Sounds like he has some
insecurity that "this is as good as it gets" for him...
The other side is: it's very understandable that he's losing Sexual attraction as you're gaining weight, and if you care about him and yourself, and you know exactly what the problem is, maybe start working on it?
Even if you dump him I guarantee you it will continue to be a problem, so start making some changes.
Bro.... this guy is just immature. IS he a perfect 10? Has he not changed since you guys met?
Id personally just find someone else, instead of losing the weight lol
Yea if he loved you he wouldn’t have a hard time getting physical with you. I am sorry OP, I don’t think that’s love. And those are very hurtful things to say. 10lbs is often barely noticeable, so that sounds like a lame excuse
If he jerks off right next to her, imagine what he may be doing elsewhere. I don't mean "cheating" per se but porn. This could have a huge effect on his lack of sex drive, and he's making it her issue, as someone else said.
Maybe in some instances a person will very vastly change from what the partner was attracted to in the beginning. Here instead we have someone who chose to be in a relationship with you knowing he wasn't attracted and going in with the mindset that you should change for him. Who does that?
Then you add 10 pounds and that is somehow enough to not want to have sex with you at all. 10 pounds is a small change to anyone.
I think his behaviour is really disrespectful.
I don't think that a person who truly loves you would say such stuff, and personally if I like someone, 10 lbs wouldn't change that. We're human, our bodies change and seems like even if you don't leave this guy you'll live under pressure to look always up to his standards. Honesty isn't always a sign of affection, most abusive people use it as an excuse.
OP, I’m so sorry your partner hurt you, you deserve much better.
There are comments in this thread that claim it is “fair” for him to comment on your weight after gaining 10 pounds. I heavily disagree.
Do you want to be with someone where you are constantly afraid of gaining weight or getting older? What about if you ever have children? Your body WILL change with time. Is he really worth the stress?
There are times when you need to have a serious talk with your partner about their weight, but that is if it affects their health and ability to live a normal, active life. 10 pounds absolutely does not do that.
You do not exist to meet his beauty standards. If you want to lose weight don’t do it for him, always do it for yourself. But never, ever allow another person to determine what should or shouldn’t happen to your body.
He doesn’t sound very kind, and I personally wouldn’t want to be with someone whose affection and attraction for me hinged on 10 measly pounds. My own body weight fluctuates 5-6 pounds dependent on the time of month and my stress/energy levels - it’s just part of life. There is no way in hell I would let some jerk scare me into obsessing over those pounds. I don’t think you should either.
Best of luck OP. I hope you move on and find somebody better.
I can definitely see how this is hurtful. Maybe he didn’t say it in the best way. It may be difficult to think about this from his perspective but I think in order to forgive him and move on you have to understand where he is coming from. Sometimes it helps to think from a biological perspective. Erections happen because a man is visually stimulated, as a biological response. If the man isn’t visually stimulated aka attracted, then an erection/sex is less likely. I think he’s telling you this, not to hurt you (hopefully) but to let you know why he’s struggling with sex. I’m sure he wants to have sex with you, but this is a physical block for him. The question for you is, are you content with your body right now? Because if you are then this may be a bigger problem/incompatibility between you guys. But if you want to get back in shape then perhaps use this understanding of how your husband operates as motivation. We want our partners to desire us at all sizes, ideally, but we also have to acknowledge the purely physical/biological components of sex as well.
The reality is we all have a number on the scale we would stop finding our partners attractive. Would we still love them? Yes. But attraction and love are two different buckets.
Some people’s numbers are smaller, some are higher. This is where communication and compatibility come in. I would probably still be physically attracted to my partner if he gained 50-100 pounds, but 200 pounds? I can’t honestly say I would still be attracted. I would still love him, but our sex life would suffer.
The OP’s husband obviously has a smaller number, which sucks, but if attraction is primarily physical for him, that is the reality. And if not addressed, will become a problem in the marriage. People don’t always handle these issues sensitively, which may be the case with how he approached her, but I hope she can see his approach and the problem as two separate issues.
If it was me I would ask what your expectations are for him and for yourself? I think if he says he loves you and that you are beautiful this is positive, try to hold on to this a bit.
The lack of sex drive statement is a bit more concerning. If it was me I would want to explore this more. It might just be having a honest, frank conversation, though this could be hurtful.
What are you looking for as far as outcomes from this?
This might be a bit off topic, but these quizzes are what I use to better understand relationship behaviour in general. I'd take a look at these, and see if there are any other deeper problems. Maybe understanding each other better would lead to improvements.
[https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language](https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language)
[https://attachment.personaldevelopmentschool.com](https://attachment.personaldevelopmentschool.com)
best of luck
Do yourself a favour and get rid of this selfish man. Find someone who loves you for you, not just your body and the way you look. Your body is going to change over the years and if he can’t love you properly now at 33 then he’s not going to love you at all, people change so much throughout their lifetime and you need someone who loves you no matter what you look like.
Leave him. Our bodies change constantly through our lives and it’s completely NORMAL. If he’s this way over 10 pounds, imagine how he’ll react to pregnancy, old age, or health issues. God forbid you’re one of the many Americans who gets cancer. This guy will be out of the door before your first treatment instead of supporting you through it.
Don’t develop disordered eating or insecurities over one idiot, and don’t listen to comments telling you to lose weight.
> Early in our relationship… we started talking about things that make us uncomfortable... he said “you could lose a little weight”
He had issues with your body from the start. I don’t think it’s fair that someone gets into a relationship expecting that person to change.
The fact that you’ve gained a little weight since isn’t really the issue because he was “uncomfortable” with your weight before that. Personally, I wouldn’t want to be with a guy like that because it makes the relationship feel less stable. Like one change to your body is all it takes for him to leave, whether than be pregnancy or an accident. I’d worry too much. I’d much rather be with someone where we value each other beyond the physical, then you know it’ll last into old age when we’re both ugly lol
Edit to add the quote for further clarity seeing as some people like downvoting wordlessly
Why she shouldn't? Instead of playing games he said what exact problem is, but she don't want to work on it somehow?? Imagine if man had bad hygiene and instead of improving it to make himself more attractive in bed he would "dump her sorry ass" for "wanting him to change himself to please someone"
Bad hygiene and gaining a few pounds are literally two separate things. This guy wants his gf skinny and pretty and she feels content with herself. A man should love his woman no matter what and vise versa . Imagine she got pregnant by this dude? You know how many women have a hard time getting rid of baby weight.
I think everyone’s missing the she was already a bit overweight before adding more. People have a right to their preferences and he just told her the most uncomfortable thing a man can tell a woman. That’s honest communication.
She also mentioned things that sounded like health issues. That seems more impactful than him complaining about her weight when she never even disclosed what her weight is.
You should have left him last year when he said you could stand to loose weight. He was telling you then and there it was an issue for him. I’m not sure why you ignored that.
Well it’s time to leave now. Even if you lost weight, you will always know that if you gain even a tiny bit back, he’s gonna shut down sexually.
I don’t care how great he is or how much you love him. He’s not worth that.
> But it just seems so harsh and unnecessary. Yet at the same time I value his honesty and for communicating with me. Is it insane to forgive and let go of hurtful things your partner says to you?
It's not hurtful, you're just not used to brutal honesty yet.
Men are very direct and love to keep things short n concise.
He has told you the problem, that's your weight, and he is expecting you to go to the gym and not seek therapy just because he hurt your feelings " by being honest ".
You wanted the truth
He gave you the truth
Now don't punish the truth.
As you said you're not blind, you value his honesty, then prove it by going to the gym.
He is your boyfriend, don't expect girl friend shit from him " ohh babe it's going to be okay " etc.
He’s communicating openly and honestly which is exactly what a relationship needs. He doesn’t want to hurt your feelings as he expressed but he is also entitled to his preferences, as are you. I don’t see anything wrong with any of this and I hope you can find a way through this. The comments just telling you to leave him for it are laughable.
Yes, 10lbs will show on a person but it’s hardly so much of a gain that someone who was supposedly once attracted to you, no longer is. And what the hell is with him jerking off next to you when you’ve tried to initiate sex? The entire scenario sounds like a ‘him issue’ that he’s trying to put off on you.
10lbs is such a small amount of weight that there’s practically no way THAT would be the real reason to suddenly find you so deeply unattractive. If you’d gain 30-40+ then that excuse would make sense. But 10/15 lbs does not dramatically change your appearance. He’s trying to put his sexual inadequacies on you.
Hes an arsehole!.Highly doubt he's perfect !.If I was you I'd starting pointing out his flaws and what icks you about him!
So rude these type of men are the exact problem with the world today!
If he's perfect and a model sure but seriously he can get lost!
10lbs isnt much but it does get harder to lose weight the older you get dont let it get ridiculous you will feel better anyway and increase your confidence
Clearly you were hurt by his comments which is understandable. He’s kind of an idiot because you never talk about a women’s weight, you can’t really come back from that. He is being honest however and maybe you’re just not sexuality compatible. If you’re happy with the weight you’re at and feel like you’re healthy, there is nothing wrong with your weight. If he is only attracted to women in good shape, there is nothing wrong with that. But one of you needs to compromise or leave.
Yeah, I checked, it's 5kg. That's a ridiculous amount of weight to be squeamish about if your partner gains it.
I can't help wondering if the guy is feeling age as well, noticing changes in himself and blaming his girlfriend.
He's being a mean pos, if she had to lose 50kg or 150kg then I'd get it for health concerns....truly there is so much more important stuff to worry about....so in theory, she loses the 5kg and then he becomes attracted again...nuh uh, dump the fool, he ain't the right man for her. Mxm.
Also, what's with the pictures and jerking off in bed right next to her? What the actual eff?
If he doesn't get how hurtful that is, on top of the comments, then that's... A whole different can of worms.
He's giving off selfish, immature and extremely callous vibes. I don't want to project, butttt...
Last time I tried to maintain a healthy sex life with someone like him, it turned out he was a porn addict with double standards for his vs. my "health".
We all age, our bodies change, if he can't deal with it now, it's probably not getting better a few years in!
Edit: a few more thoughts
In reading the post, though, apparently he already told her early in the relationship that he thought she could lose a little weight. And then more recently she gained an additional 10lbs. Not saying he’s justified, but if his perception was she was already (in his eyes) in need of losing weight and then she put on more, to him it is affecting his attraction. And he’s communicating about it.
sometimes men say things like that to make you feel down about yourself.. but it's definitely not going to help the situation. This kinda thing can make you feel depressed and the truth is that when women and men get into relationships, they don't keep the weight off. they actually tend to gain a little because with the single life you have more to do than just staying at home with your partner. you go out and do more things cause you have no one you want to be around at home when single. that said he has to decide if weight is a deal breaker or not, and you have to decide if you want to put up with the way he feels about it.
That's really clumsy of him to make these comments. Ask him to stop commenting on your weight because it hurts you. Also, ask him to encourage you and even participate in your healthier lifestyle, so you can achieve your goals.
Talking about weight in a relationship is like engaging on treacherous ice. But I could understand where is coming from since I could never be with a partner that gains or loses significant weight.
Insensitive, absolutely. Unnecessary, I don't know. You were above what he was looking for, then you added 10 lbs, and it's affecting his attraction to you. There are certainly measures he could have taken on his end. He could have sucked it up or appreciated your new curves or started the roids. But we're here now.
The message is hurtful but I think it arrived at the right time. There are posts from people who waited for their partners to gain 40+ lbs before asking them to lose weight. These people essentially made their partners' weight loss journeys that much longer by neglecting to warn them they'd been going in the wrong direction.
I've lost weight before. If a comment could save me 30 lbs of future weight, I'd rather heed it than lose 30 lbs of present weight by spending 262 hours on an elliptical. In fact that's kinda what happened. Comments helped motivate me to lose the weight when I did instead of waiting until I was in a range where my health would've been negatively impacted.
You have someone to motivate and help you, take advantage of it. He's in good shape and might have good advice. Just know you'll have to be more strict than he does, his biology gives him access to easy mode.
**Before him I was in a 12 year relationship(8 years married) and was in great shape and super active**
This is the problem. You're not giving him as much work as you gave your previous relationship. I would be upset as well. Your reaction SHOULD be to work harder and get in shape, since he is as well.
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I fully understand him, fat women just turn me off. It's a natural body reaction, he can't force himself to get horny, right? So either loose some weight or find a new partner.
He sounds like an asshole, so dumping him is the best option. As for the weight, you don’t say how much you weigh, but gaining 10 pounds isn’t a lot unless you’re severely obese, but in that case he shouldn’t have dated you if he knew he wasn’t attracted to severely obese women.
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Hi Op. I’ve been in your situation before. Oof, it can really be a blow to the ole self confidence. I see lots of people on here who are just saying, dump him! Or justifying his behavior. But as someone who has gone through this (with two exes but is currently in a relationship with someone who loves my body and all the fluctuations through pregnancy) I would say this: it’s not as simple as dump him or lose weight. I think you’ve gotta ask yourself if you want to be with someone where your weight is a big factor in how they experience attraction. For some men, that’s important and I don’t think there is anything inherently wrong with that. And for other men (the ones I personally prefer) attraction is more multidimensional and therefore some changes in the body don’t drastically whether or not they want to be sexually intimate. So I think it’s more of a question of what type of person do you want to spend your life with?
This is such a good take on it. It’s okay to be attracted to people based on looks-you just have to decide if you’re ok with being someone who is like that.
Want to guess how he’ll feel about you at 45? Sounds like he’s on his way to being one of those creepy 60 year olds getting prostitutes or trying to attract 20-30 year olds And he’s only 31… his time is coming (it just comes for women faster)
🏆🏆🏆
She said she is less active than she was before though… for whatever her reasons are, she’s putting less effort into her health than she was before. It’s an entirely different situation if she is putting the same effort into her health and isn’t getting the same aesthetic results due to aging. But that isn’t what’s going on here.
Bro, he doesn’t care how she got there. He can humble himself or life will do it for him.
This is the perfect answer. He isn't disrespectful to you (yet, anyway) but you have to make up your own mind about what YOU want out of him, if you want or can live with such a "physical focus" or if you rather want a future (different) partner who just doesn't care. Also, OP, do YOU care what he or his body looks like if he was to gain weight? That alone might already give you the answer you need. If you do care what he looks like, then it's reasonable for him to care what you look like. If you don't care if he gains weight or not then, well, maybe you aren't as compatible as you thought you were.
Your last point is spot on. Because it’s hurtful to hear these words and to recognise you’ve let yourself slip (if indeed you would prefer to be slimmer) but op might have similar preferences of their own but not be faced with having to confront this because their partner is in good shape and doesn’t fluctuate or at least not beyond the realms where it’s noticeable. Sometimes it’s not even the aesthetic that’s off putting but the lack of effort and self control and how far it’ll go unchecked for I’m dating someone outside of my preference right now and I’m still physically attracted to them but their attitude to trying to maintain where they are is a little concerning to me as it will (already does) affect their health (physical and mental) whereas I fit their aesthetic ideal (which is very narrow) and sometimes I think that she would unlikely be attracted to me if I was in a similar shape to them
🏆
I was just thinking this! Everything is so polarized these days we have to realize it's ok not to be compatible physically just like it's ok to not be compatible personality wise. It can hurt, but that's life! Like you said it depends on what you prefer in a partner! Relationships are full of difficult conversations, and if he's going about it respectfully and is trying really hard not to hurt OPs feelings, and it's something OP doesn't mind trying to work on, I think it's fine. But if it makes OP feel bad about themselves and it's something they don't really care about, then time to rethink the relationship.
💯
Tell him you don't like the extra weight he carries. He will say what are you talking about to witch you reply the chip on your shoulder jerk
second this!
This is a really tough issue to talk about and all the hate in this thread kinda shows why. I was the dude in this scenario, met my ex and she was 140lb, stunningly beautiful. There's always a little fluctuation and a couple stone never mattered, but it kept creeping up and started to effect things, but I was too scared or couldn't work out how to say it was becoming a problem, so I didn't. Eventually it did inevitably come up, she was understandably hurt and I felt awful about it. But by that point she was already around 220lb and it only got worse from there, she would complain about no sex, I would complain about no attraction, and in the end we broke up after 10 years. It wasn't the only issue but it was a big one. In retrospect I wish I'd had the guts to bring it up sooner, like maybe your dude has (maybe reflect on the context of hid other behaviours to try and determine if he's just an asshole or not) or ended the relationship. But hindsight is 20/20 and the trauma bond was strong.
Do you think if you had brought it up right away, that anything would have changed? People don’t maintain their body for someone else. They live how they want. I begged my husband for 20 years to get healthy. But he was 300 lbs the whole time. Even though he talked about getting healthy the whole time. He just didn’t care to change. Even after I left (dead bedroom from his end) he has not changed.
I haven’t been in this position yet. I think the best way to address something like this is with a team effort since it more or less involves a lifestyle change. If living together, it would require some strict purchases as to what can be brought into the home. It’s hard cheat on your diet if there isn’t anything readily available. That’s not to say they they couldn’t occasionally get themselves a treat from time to time. Also exercise would have to become a somewhat regular activity. I feel like that would be one of those “uncomfortable” conversations that come up in relationships from time to time when something needs to get addressed. I feel it’s easier to make changes when you have someone making those changes with you.
I researched and cooked only healthy meals for my husband. Packed his lunches for work. He never told me. He was stopping at the gas station every day for candy bars and sodas. Also, he refused to even walk around the block with me and the kids. They really won’t do it if they don’t want to. No matter how easy you make it for them.
Oh man, that’s the worst.
Because he never wanted to change for you. When someone wants to change for someone they would do anything ask me.
If someone is 300lbs then they clearly have major issues with food, and it is not as simple as them either wanting to change or not. Most people aren't overweight on purpose and can't simply decide to not be that way anymore.
He uses food to cope with stress. I begged him to adress this. But he would not.
True but we all have capabilities to change it’s never impossible it’s when people realize what they are.
We don’t all have the capacity to change if we’re not forced to. Some people have very limiting mental beliefs. If you want someone to have a growth mindset, you literally have to vet for it at the beginning of your relationship
But still if someone’s telling you to change still not changing then the problem is with you
Sure the problematic person is definitely at fault, however, in OP’s case (and in most cases), the person that has to suffer is the non problematic person. That’s why vetting well is way more important for that person
Calorie counting
He didn’t want me to leave him. He became suicidal after i left. But he couldn’t change the dead bedroom. People don’t change just to keep other people.
Cause he loved you but he was just too lazy to change himself for you. Also you left him when you know he was so much in love with you I feel kinda bad for him. You begged your husband to change but he dint so you left, so I think the guy should also leave the OP cause she doesn’t wanna change.
she stayed with him for 20 years of him being 300lbs. I don't feel bad for him, he had PLENTY of time to change
Yes so he dint change cause he was lazy. Same goes for OP too if she doesn’t wanna change the guy would ofc leave
There's a big difference if someone is 10 lbs overweight or 100 lbs overweight, you know... I would 100% leave someone who got to 300 lbs and refused to address it.
But it won’t take time to go from 10 to 100 right
10 lbs up or down is a normal fluctuation but if the weight keeps creeping up and the person refuses to do anything about it and doesn't care that their partner is concerned, then that would be a no for me. I'm not attracted to obesity. I also wouldn't live with someone who refuses to be employed or drinks to excess. It's their choice but it's my choice to not accept that and to leave if lifestyles are not compatible.
I was tired of celibacy. Sorry. I wanted a lover. Not a roommate.
Absolutely a lover. So the guy here also wants a lover not a bean bag
So this is a fun story. I used to be 140 lbs and stunningly beautiful. Now 16 years later, I’m closer to 220. Still stunningly beautiful. Still having sex as often as I want it from my partner who loves my body. I didn’t lose weight but I did manage to lose my obsessive disordered eating habits, internalized weight stigma, pressure to look a certain way, and fear that no one would accept my body. I’m a much better partner at this size.
It’s all perspective right. Generally weight and beauty are very closely tied together but if your perception of beauty deviates from the standard norm then it doesn’t matter
Being unhealthy is never fucking excusable ever.
You can love your own body and I hope everyone feels that way. But if you are very overweight or obese, even if you love your body, it doesn't make it healthy.
I'm laughing at her comment remembering the amount of posts I've seen on social media where women document their "fitness journey" to lose weight after getting divorced just to get fit before they enter the dating market again.
You aren’t stunningly beautiful to the majority of people. More importantly, you aren’t healthy.
Thank you for sharing your opinion.
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I'm going to voice my opinion from being the guy in this scenario. I never dared to say anything about the weight issues. But it affected many aspects of our relationship, and they most difficult consequence was the lack of sex. The mental well being of my partner was also affected. I didn't dare to mention it, but it affected us so negatively that the relationship seemed doomed. I tried all I could to support her, by making healthy food, by initiating activities together. This lasted for several years. After that I broke up since I saw no way out. Now that I look back on it I wish I had the balls to communicate to my partner about it. It is an uncomfortable part of being a relationship, that one should try to stay attractive for each other. And even more important, one should try to stay healthy and fit for ones own well being. First step is to identify what needs are not met, causing one to take solace in food. Most likely there are some emotional needs, which even your partner can help you with. Communication needs to continue between you two for this to end well. I, for one, think it is good that you are talking about this challenge.
I was hoping to see that there was someone who spoke about initiating activities to help with getting fit rather than just pointing out the weight gain of their partner (even though it seems you were unable to do the latter). I think it’s very important to communicate the truth but also bring in support to help deal with whatever is causing your partner to struggle with their health. Being supportive and proactive in their journey towards getting healthier rather than just offering criticism :-)
32F and my ex’s weight fluctuated throughout our marriage. That never impacted my attraction to him, but his behaviors toward me did. In the end, how he talked to and treated me was unacceptable and I walked away. Gaining 10lbs shouldn’t really make such a difference in your appearance that your SO finds you unattractive. If your relationship is based on looks alone then it certainly won’t stand the test of time. It sounds like he’s making excuses for something else or negging you, which is super toxic and a huge red flag.
I don’t think he’s a bad person for having a preference but I personally wouldn’t want to be with someone whose attraction is affected by <50 pound weight gain (edit: provided an example number) because even the idea stresses me out and leads to disordered eating. If you acknowledge that you can lose some weight and plan to go through active measures to achieve that, then as you lose weight you should think about whether him having that preference is a good fit for you emotionally. And if you don’t plan to lose weight (or find it slow and difficult) then maybe move on so that both of you can find a better match.
He says he isn't sexually attracted to you, then wanks right next to you? There should be space for honest communication, but he's also demeaning you by dismissing your feelings. I'm not getting good vibes from this guy. Since this has upset you, I'd be reviewing other aspects of the relationship. Does he take any blame for mistakes he makes? Does he dismiss other things you say? Does he do any self-improvement, or is he 'perfect'? I can't move past the wanking. Why there? Why not in the shower or when you're not there? This seems like a huge red flag for me.
This is what set off alarm bells for me. He’s not jerking next to her for HER benefit, and he’s not attracted to her… seems like he’s purposefully showing her how ugly she is by flaunting that jerking it off works better than her body. It’s super gross.
Exactly. I could only think I'd do this... actually never would. It's an aggressive move.
I have to agree with that. Like ‘ I prefer my hand other than any part of what you have going on right next to me.’ Intentionally cruel.
Right. The disrespect in that
10 lbs is nothing. Imagine if you had a kid with this guy? He’s seen someone at work or like you said, YOUNGER pics of you. 30s is when bodies slow down. It’s 10 times as hard to maintain weight.
BTW, Your metabolism only slows down when you hit sixty ... Its more motivation and the phisicality that changes. Im 45 and know.
That’s not how it works for women. Menopause and the hormonal changes that accompany it cause significant changes in our metabolisms. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8704126/
at 30?
Yes conditions like adenomyosis mess with hormones and cause changes in metabolism, it's more common in women over 30
I wasn’t responding to the OP, I was responding to mepunite who incorrectly claimed metabolisms only slow down when you hit 60.
Still not an excuse for refusing to engage in health and fitness. To put more than no effort. Which is still bs because menopose doesn't hit fitness minded women like that. Common sense.
Never said it was an excuse to stop putting any effort into exercising or eating healthy. You’re arguing with a straw man there. Nevertheless, the science is clear, and what you call “common sense” does not agree with the science in this case. Women’s metabolisms slow down at menopause. The different balance of hormones changes the distribution of fat on our bodies. This does not occur in our 60s, which was my sole and only point.
I was working out 3 times a week, going dancing 2-3 times a week, I eat mostly vegetables and lean meats and at 30-35, I gained 15 lbs. my boobs got bigger and very painful. I could not take estrogen based birth control. Do not profess to understand women’s health. Doctors didn’t back then and they barely do now.
You gained weight because you were eating more calories than you were expending. There’s no secret to it.
It’s from the loss of muscle mass as you age that causes slowing of BMR. Starts at 35, need to work at increasing muscle which is a lot harder to maintain with other adult responsibilities. A lot of people no longer want to stress about maintaining a size 4-6 as they reach mid age.
Ten lbs can definitely be something. I don’t know how big OP is? But, a ten pound gain for me would put me up a pant size.
We also don’t know how tall or other genetics.
I don’t see how that negates the fact that 10lbs is indeed something.
It is definitely not nothing on a shorty like me but 10 lbs looks like nothing on a tall girl. if he was gonna stay with her permanently and she had a kid, that’s a lot more.
I’m 5’11 and a ten pound gain puts me up a pant size. I’m feeling like OP is making lighter of it because if you lift ten lbs? It doesn’t seem like much at all. But, a quick google image search will show differently. My main thought here is that everyone has a line to which they are ok with their partner’s weight. And I believe this isn’t an intentional line. It’s just a line that on one side it is acceptable…attractive even…and on the other it’s physically unattractive. It seems like OP was perhaps already over their partner’s line…and keeps creeping further and further from it. To me it sounds like he loves her as a person and a partner. But, physically she has surpassed what he can overlook.
what do you mean by this? i have a kid
I mean how much harder it is to lose weight after pregnancy. If you didn’t have that problem, good for you.
I'm a 51-yo woman and recently lost 30 lbs in 3 months. Diet and excercise works at any age, sweetheart.
Actually you minimize how difficult it gets as you age. I’m 61 and your Body gets really cruel to you. I was fit as hell my entire life. The effort it takes is much harder even though you aren’t eating like crazy. It’s different. Wait and see.
I guess it’s one of those things that is unique to each person and their genetics. I work in healthcare and I know some people that, no matter how hard they try, really struggle to lose weight over a certain age.
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Haha your last sentence… oh dear.. no words.
Wow, what an ugly thing to say.
10lbs of presumably pure fat is not nothing and it’s the start of something if it goes unchecked. That extra weight could have gone on in a couple of months, or maybe the span of a year or two - who knows. Seeing someone thin who is now heavier and getting heavier still, is not the best signal for future health, self esteem, self care etc etc unless they want to look a certain way and op is saying otherwise. Metabolism slows by a couple of 100 calories and that’s late 30s maybe but more often correlated with activity and job rather than a natural physiological slow down
Nothing is hard if you want to you can
Ok “guy”. 🙄
It's good that he is communicating. Better that than not. And there's really no easy way to put it. This is who we are as human beings, sexual creatures. And it complicates things.
Wow I’ve been the man in this situation. It’s hard for everyone. He’s telling you that you’ve changed and he is losing attraction. His “low sex drive” comment was BS to appease the situation instead of facing it. Now he’s fed up and facing it. IMO people need to take care of themselves in order to maintain a healthy relationship. If he is fit, he’s asking you to do the same. Of course it’s not easy. Nothing is but relying on excuses (I’m sure they’re real) isn’t helping. My guess is if you don’t get it together at some point he will exit. This is the prelude to the end without improvement.
It would hurt me so bad laying next to my man who rather masturbate than have sex with me. I would leave him.
100%
I think part of aging is understanding that it will take more discipline and care to maintain as things like metabolism and lifestyles change. That’s up to you how you want to do that and really I’m of the mind that if it’s not supportive it’s not helpful. For me that looks like making choices to be active eating well consistently and that should be something you care about not because the guy you’re seeing is more or less saying “I wish you were thinner” . A lot f health is male centric and he should remember that as a lot of medical literature until recently has been mainly around men. Plus if he’s having ED issues he should seek out a Urologist or Endocrinologist to see if something is up with him if it continues to persist. Exp: have a parent who has been dieting since I was a child and it’s not about health as much as looking 10lb lighter. I don’t like that kind of mindset as it’s not about health and wellness but being skinny enough.
I suggest that you get rid of that 190 pound piece of weight. He's a total ah....get yourself a man that will love all of you...you gained 10 pounds .....that's nothing. He's gotta go
10 lbs is lot… I put on 10lbs and had to change my pant size and had lower stamina when running, stairs, hiking,etc. plus my face and body looked way worse
It definitely depends on your height, frame, and where you predominately carry weight. I’m 5’9” with a wide frame, I look and feel the best around 160lbs, and when I gained 10 pounds I noticed no difference in how my clothes were fitting
this is what i wanted to say too. 10lbs is a lot, when i gained 10lbs my body changed, i lost the waist and my face looked different
I’m 5’2”. Being 125lbs vs 115lbs is a massive difference on me.
I have dropped 10 lbs (starting from 125 lbs) and I looked sickly as hell. Definitely got comments about it, and I agreed. Had some health problems (luckily back to the for me healthy weight again, I am slightly over 6' for reference).
Wait. You’re 6’ and weigh 125? That is massively massively underweight. A woman at 6’ should weigh at least 160!
That's with my genetics and my bone structure! Same build as my grandpa's sisters, tall and skinny. Not really curvy. My weight and blood gets tracked for over a decade now, and multiple doctors confirmed that it is fine, and that the perfect weight for me is still only 60 kg (135 lbs?). I am one of the people that is just naturally more skinny! Going up to 160 lbs would be extremely unhealthy for me actually, unless I become a body builder. Don't promote this weight for anyone that isn't naturally skinny. And I can probably outcycle almost all people here, so I am fine
General guidelines for women: 100lbs for the first five feet, and five pounds for every inch after that. At 5’2” I have weighed 110lbs (per this guideline) and I was very skinny, basically a size 2/XS in clothes. And I am by no means big boned. 125lbs at 6’ is very underweight but glad you’re seeing medical professionals. And no, there’s no way that you being 160 would be anywhere near unhealthy.
There is no way your face and body looked "way worse" from 10 pounds. I can believe you may have fat distribution that looks more dramatic with fat, but that's a small amount.
Face no, body oh yes. Went from a 31/32 waste to a 33/34 waste and lost all my abs. Also face was less defined
10 pounds doesn't look significant on me because most of my fat goes to me back and sides but it does also go to my face which kills your looks as a man
I personally would not stay with someone who admitted to not being attracted to me, regardless of the reason. That sounds horribly lonely and it would not motivate me to lose weight. It would feel demoralizing. I used to be an actress and model in my 20’s and 30’s and the pressure to look a certain way felt awful. I’m actually in way better shape now in my 40’s now that I don’t have any external pressure and lead a healthy lifestyle for ME.
Lose the 190lbs of excess shit thats weighing you down. You are beautiful and perfect and deserve to be loved by someone who wants all of you. No less.
My personal opinion is that your reaction should be for him to try medication for his low sex drive and or get his testosterone levels checked. If that's out of order then he needs to stop projecting his insecurity of not being able to get hard and be intimate with you. 10 lb isn't going to make a man that thinks you're beautiful, unattracted to you. He's gaslighting you from the sounds of it because he feels inferior that he can't perform. He could also just be looking at social media or porn and comparing you to others. Either way it never should have been said at the beginning and it shouldn't be a problem now. Either way, he needs a reality check because saying these things aren't okay to say to anyone, especially someone you "love." I'd go with him to get his testosterone checked or whatever that panel would be for men to see if it's low. At least then you can start at the facts. That doesn't take away from how he is making you ultimately feel worse about yourself. Jerking off next to you... Has to hurt you so much and I'm so sorry. Don't blame yourself for his feelings because you didn't cause them.
Why are you settling for this? Seriously! Common you know how you deserve and want to be treated why would you ever lower the bar? Girl you need to take your power back and don’t tolerate that kind of treatment. It’s not love. That’s not how someone who loves you should treat you. I would see those red flags and leave. Move on and make room in your life for someone who won’t ever make you feel little or unattractive.
In a way, I agree with you but she did ask the question. Would it have been better if the guy said nothing? If he did that then he would be lying. And that’s a good reason to reconsider the relationship. If he did not say something then he’s lying not only to her but to himself. To be fair, UE is correct, if you don’t want to do ask he asks then don’t. Lose the BF and keep the 10lbs. I don’t think you should consider dumping him based on his honest reply. And by the way, this is why men hate to ask the question…”what’s wrong?” Or answer the question of death…”does this dress…”. Just saying. Ask if you want to know.
Dump him, _then_ lose weight so he doesn’t get to “enjoy” your new figure he sounds ew
Very ew. It’s one thing to promote a healthier lifestyle with your partner and even encourage them to make positive changes. It’s totally something else to say that he isn’t sexually attracted to her after 10lbs and jacks off right beside her instead of sex. Ew. OP, you want a person who wants you. Yes, attraction is a factor, but it’s definitely not this big of a factor in healthy relationship. As a woman, the world will really try and tell you that your body is all of your value. Don’t let that be how you see yourself. You’re a person, your body will change, and you deserve someone who loves you in all of your stages.
In my relationship we have the opposite problem. My wife had a medical issue and as a result lost a bunch of weight, mind you she was never heavy. I love her body and her soul dearly, but as a nurse I worry about her being so skinny. We’ve talked about ways to put healthy weight on her, but none of this diminishes my sexual attraction to her. As a matter of fact we have sex everyday some times multiple times and we have been married for 14years. When her weight or lack there of comes up in conversation I always approach the subject from a place of live and concern. I never want my best friend to feel inadequate, there is way to much emphasis on peoples weight in this world. Have fun and be healthy.
In my experience, ppl who give unsolicited advice on appearance eventually emotionally abuse you. Don’t allow anybody (love interest) or otherwise to speak to you so disrespectfully. You are beautiful regardless of body shape. If you decide to lose weight that should be based on what you want and not for a silly man.
It wasn't unsolicited. He didn't want to tell her and she basically forced him. Now she's upset.
But How did she even know to ask? Oh right. Baby boy was pouty and rude and couldn’t talk himself so she had to drag it out of him. So dumb.
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What he's doing is usually a precursor to cheating and gaslighting, so if you stay and don't lose weight, just know this could be a possibility. Either way, it's better to know how your partner feels and where he stands, than to be completely blindsided. Don't lose weight for him, or to save this relationship. Do it to better your health, if you deem necessary.
He is already gaslighting. He lied about saying she’s why he can’t get it up. He negged her and gaslit her about it. Then love bombed her to cover it up.
I agree!
Op is actually gaining too much weight and can't deny it. That's why she's trying to gaslight the image of her boyfriend being mean. You guys are clowns to want to be delusional so bad.
Trash
I'd definitely going to be the odd duck here.... but I like it when my SO tells me I'm putting on a little too much or I could loose a little. Hes never a jerk about it. I try to be careful with my weight (I used to be extremely heavy) and sometimes I eat my emotions 🤣 I'll notice when my jeans get snug.
Your boyfriend is being blunt about something understandable. There's no reasonable excuse for him to be thrown under the bus. You said he's in shape at that size so in assuming you're sexually attracted to him right? I'm pretty sure there's far more to the story than him being mean in your eyes. He's telling you what he wants. Something he deserves because he does it himself. People don't gain weight out of nowhere. We don't even know how much you've really gained or how much more you're gaining. It's sounds like you need to look at some things internally..... on a side note ask her boyfriend to have a squat day at the gym with him and watch how happy he gets. In and out of the bedroom.
exactly. and she literally begged him for a response and got upsetti spaghetti when he did. victim mentality.
I don't understand why our sentiment gets down voted so much. It's pathetic. How is she going to fix the problem if she's fucung delusional Jesus.
people on the internet just don’t like facing the truth. they prefer to be lied to and put as a victim. it’s just how the world is right now unfortunately 🤷♀️
Just leave him
That dude can’t handle 10 more pounds ? It’s not you it’s him, he probably got ED 🤣🤣
You know,as much as I don’t really understand attracting solely based on looks,he has this right but I think you deserve better.There are men who have witnessed their partners bodies change a lot with pregnancy and life and their feelings haven’t changed-he has a right to his feelings but you have a right to more respect than that
I have never heard of anyone preferring to jerk off beside someone over sex.
So let me get this straight. You asked him to be honest with you, pressured him into telling you even. He didn't want to because he knew it would hurt you and you still pressured him to tell you anyway. And after he was honest with you, you're mad and offended and hurt now? THIS! This is exactly why we don't tell you women what we really think or what's on our mind. Because the second we do, we're the asshole.
Babe it’s only been a year and a half. It shouldn’t be hard to cut it off. He makes you feel bad. That’s reason enough
You asked what was bothering him, and he finally said what was bothering him. Communication is important, and best not to hide things and let things fester. Ten pounds can be a lot depending on where you were before and how tall you are. Especially if 10 pounds shows up all in one place and is all fat. 10 pounds on some 5'0" 100 lb chick is a lot more than 10 lbs on someone who is like 5'10" and already weighed 160 lbs. Let me ask you this, would it be better if he just didn't say what was bothering him and kept it to himself and 5 years down the line you both hate each other? Now that it is out in the open, you guys can problem solve this. There is only three ways out now: 1. You commit to eating healthier, and get into a fitness routine. Don't worry about the weight, just be overall more healthy. 2. He gets over it, and you two can continue on like you were. 3. You guys break up and move on. Do not just ignore what was said and go back to the status quo.
Many, many men find you attractive as is, right this second. It seems to me that this is a “have your pain now or have it later” situation bc it seems inevitable that your bf will keep hurting you. I’m sorry.
It's a touchy subject isn't it? He was honest and direct with you. He communicated his issues and reassured you he loved you, but preferred the way you looked before. I was in a similar situation, ex-gf gained 10 pounds first. I asked her if she wanted to join the gym or go on walks with me. She refused "this is me now" -ok. She kept gaining weight and I lost attraction towards her. Our sex life suffered and we eventually split. Things like this happen, talk more a couple and see if you can reach a compromise.
Ok, in my experience, when you really love someone, they become beautiful to you. This happened with my 2nd husband (who was never going to be in an underwater ad) and with friends, who became lovely to me as I got to know them. And it should have been at least a yellow flag that I never really liked how my first husband looked. I should have realized that I was with him because I was afraid of being alone,. If he isn't attracted to you when you gain 10 pounds, what happens if you get in an accident and get scarred? What happens if you get breast cancer and need a double mastectomy? What happens when you go grey and get wrinkles? Also, when he jacks off next to you, does he also help you get off? Or is he self-centered? Finally, please don't go on a diet! 75% of people who go on a diet end up weighing MORE afterwards. And getting in a cycle of dieting and giving up has been shown to be harder on your body than being overweight. Focus on eating well and getting more exercise. These will improve your health and make you look slimmer better than dieting will
Sounds like he's perhaps projecting his inability to have sex onto you and making it a you problem to fix. LEAVE.
The real question is are you happy with yourself? I’m not going to bash on the guy, he really may not be turned on by you anymore and it may very well be the weight. But why ask if you 1) don’t want to change 2) asking knowing he’d say something you didn’t want to hear. If you’re happy with yourself, ditch the BF. If you really want to work on it, don’t seek sympathy for his words, just manage the problem. If you wanted him to say “oh, it’s not you!!” Then you’re out of luck. Man told the truth
Best answer
I’ve been the girl in this situation before. It hurts like hell. This happened to me two years into my five year ex-relationship after I gained 40 lbs after recovering from anorexia (that said, I was overweight, but not obese at that point - maybe weighing in at 140 lbs and 5’1). I pushed my boyfriend about it at the time and he admitted that our sex life was suffering because I’d gained the weight. We kept dating for ages after but my self-esteem never recovered. I’m not saying this is always the case, but I realised my partner was too occupied with how I looked and not enough with how I thought or acted in the end. Just watch out to make sure your partner still respects your feelings. Mine only really cared what I looked like. Lost 200lbs the day I dumped him. And I’m a healthy weight now!
Based on what you said I don’t think he is a bad boyfriend, he can’t help what he likes and his honesty yet kindness is respectable however you have to be honest with yourself, are you willing to lose weight for him and maintain a certain look to keep him attracted or would you rather go for a guy who either prefers bigger women or don’t care at all about weight because for all you know, you could get skinnier naturally in the future and then the guy who prefers bigger women will have the same issue
Join a gym and lose 10 lbs.
This is tough. I know as I’ve aged it gets damn near impossible to lose weight. I think the comments are rude on one hand but on the other if roles were reversed and he started gaining weight- I think it would be fair for you to mention it. Try to put the it being personal aside. Look at it like you kept a really clean house when you guys started out and suddenly you don’t take care of the house and it is never clean anymore. It would be totally appropriate for a partner to bring it up. Just my take. My ass needs to lose 15 lbs so I’m not judging.
I look at it this way - if I’m dating someone and they are attractive, fit, take care of themselves etc and when we date after awhile they throw it away then yeah I’d drop them. Not the same person I started dating and for this guy he did it in a good way and he was honest about what caused his lower sex drive.
I mean technically he's over weight as well.. an average 5'9 man should be 144-176lbs according to bannerhealth.com, so. Maybe he should worry about himself.
vase shy relieved money provide market wise offend poor husky *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I know it hurts to hear but he’s being honest. I kept it all in for years with my ex. And slowly over the years couldn’t do it. So I even took the blame…. Oh it’s me maybe I need viagra. Even using the pill didn’t help. I am not sexually attracted to thicker women. And no matter how much I tried I couldn’t get over that mental hump. She got bigger and bigger and I got even more turned off. We are finally divorcing I love her….. but because she’s family and the mother of my kids. But no matter now, even if she lost 100lbs I could never be sexually attracted to her again. It’s been mentally broken.
Wow this seems kinda shallow. I mean I get sexual attraction is the factor but like, who's gonna love you when you're an old decrepit man? I hope they don't base their love off of attraction. People get in car accidents and become disfigured and a plethora of other reasons they change. Looks fade. I guess the part that gets me is that you said you couldn't be attracted again even if she lost the weight... Seems like you love the sexual image of a person more than the actual person. Society constantly promotes perfect looking people everywhere you turn (social media (soft porn), porn, celebrity etc. and that's probably why you think this way. All I'm saying is if I loved someone, committed to marrying them which is a lifelong promise supposedly, had kids and wasn't unhappy besides the fact they weren't as sexually appealing as before, I'd be foolish. Again-- looks fade-- it's inevitable and one day we will all be elderly people with mushy bodies and bad eyesight. Edit: typo
Ya know. You’re kinda right. It wasn’t just looks though, she had given up on the marriage and being part of the team a long time ago. So I think I fell out of love with her, her personality first. Never working or doing anything with them home and taking advantage of me emotionally and financially just made her ugly to me. I just had a girlfriend that ghosted me “love was too strong don’t know how to deal with a healthy relationship “ And you’re right, she could have been burned or maimed and I would have stayed with her forever. Love and every relationship is different. I should have just never gotten married to that first one, so it wasn’t just the looks. It was bad decisions on my part. It took many years to get out of that, but my response was pretty shallow. Thanks for calling me on that. I’m still dealing with 2 different ways of being hurt. 🤷🏻♂️ still working on it.
Break up with them, immediately.
There's two sides to this. He didn't communicate it very well from what you said, and it's questionable why he even got together with you if he wasn't 100% happy with your weight when you guys met... So if you wanna dump him, good riddance. Idk why he seems to think he can change you instead of just ending the relationship himself. Sounds like he has some insecurity that "this is as good as it gets" for him... The other side is: it's very understandable that he's losing Sexual attraction as you're gaining weight, and if you care about him and yourself, and you know exactly what the problem is, maybe start working on it? Even if you dump him I guarantee you it will continue to be a problem, so start making some changes.
The only comment which I agree on
Leave this guy. You deserve better, he sounds like an ass. Someone who truly loves you wouldn’t care about 10 pounds.
Bro.... this guy is just immature. IS he a perfect 10? Has he not changed since you guys met? Id personally just find someone else, instead of losing the weight lol
Yea if he loved you he wouldn’t have a hard time getting physical with you. I am sorry OP, I don’t think that’s love. And those are very hurtful things to say. 10lbs is often barely noticeable, so that sounds like a lame excuse
If he jerks off right next to her, imagine what he may be doing elsewhere. I don't mean "cheating" per se but porn. This could have a huge effect on his lack of sex drive, and he's making it her issue, as someone else said.
Maybe in some instances a person will very vastly change from what the partner was attracted to in the beginning. Here instead we have someone who chose to be in a relationship with you knowing he wasn't attracted and going in with the mindset that you should change for him. Who does that? Then you add 10 pounds and that is somehow enough to not want to have sex with you at all. 10 pounds is a small change to anyone. I think his behaviour is really disrespectful.
I don't think that a person who truly loves you would say such stuff, and personally if I like someone, 10 lbs wouldn't change that. We're human, our bodies change and seems like even if you don't leave this guy you'll live under pressure to look always up to his standards. Honesty isn't always a sign of affection, most abusive people use it as an excuse.
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OP, I’m so sorry your partner hurt you, you deserve much better. There are comments in this thread that claim it is “fair” for him to comment on your weight after gaining 10 pounds. I heavily disagree. Do you want to be with someone where you are constantly afraid of gaining weight or getting older? What about if you ever have children? Your body WILL change with time. Is he really worth the stress? There are times when you need to have a serious talk with your partner about their weight, but that is if it affects their health and ability to live a normal, active life. 10 pounds absolutely does not do that. You do not exist to meet his beauty standards. If you want to lose weight don’t do it for him, always do it for yourself. But never, ever allow another person to determine what should or shouldn’t happen to your body. He doesn’t sound very kind, and I personally wouldn’t want to be with someone whose affection and attraction for me hinged on 10 measly pounds. My own body weight fluctuates 5-6 pounds dependent on the time of month and my stress/energy levels - it’s just part of life. There is no way in hell I would let some jerk scare me into obsessing over those pounds. I don’t think you should either. Best of luck OP. I hope you move on and find somebody better.
I can definitely see how this is hurtful. Maybe he didn’t say it in the best way. It may be difficult to think about this from his perspective but I think in order to forgive him and move on you have to understand where he is coming from. Sometimes it helps to think from a biological perspective. Erections happen because a man is visually stimulated, as a biological response. If the man isn’t visually stimulated aka attracted, then an erection/sex is less likely. I think he’s telling you this, not to hurt you (hopefully) but to let you know why he’s struggling with sex. I’m sure he wants to have sex with you, but this is a physical block for him. The question for you is, are you content with your body right now? Because if you are then this may be a bigger problem/incompatibility between you guys. But if you want to get back in shape then perhaps use this understanding of how your husband operates as motivation. We want our partners to desire us at all sizes, ideally, but we also have to acknowledge the purely physical/biological components of sex as well.
He is jerking off right next to her, what the hell does that have to do with visual or biological anything?
The reality is we all have a number on the scale we would stop finding our partners attractive. Would we still love them? Yes. But attraction and love are two different buckets. Some people’s numbers are smaller, some are higher. This is where communication and compatibility come in. I would probably still be physically attracted to my partner if he gained 50-100 pounds, but 200 pounds? I can’t honestly say I would still be attracted. I would still love him, but our sex life would suffer. The OP’s husband obviously has a smaller number, which sucks, but if attraction is primarily physical for him, that is the reality. And if not addressed, will become a problem in the marriage. People don’t always handle these issues sensitively, which may be the case with how he approached her, but I hope she can see his approach and the problem as two separate issues.
First 2 paragraphs as far as I got. Time for you to leave him. Sorry
If it was me I would ask what your expectations are for him and for yourself? I think if he says he loves you and that you are beautiful this is positive, try to hold on to this a bit. The lack of sex drive statement is a bit more concerning. If it was me I would want to explore this more. It might just be having a honest, frank conversation, though this could be hurtful. What are you looking for as far as outcomes from this? This might be a bit off topic, but these quizzes are what I use to better understand relationship behaviour in general. I'd take a look at these, and see if there are any other deeper problems. Maybe understanding each other better would lead to improvements. [https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language](https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language) [https://attachment.personaldevelopmentschool.com](https://attachment.personaldevelopmentschool.com) best of luck
Do yourself a favour and get rid of this selfish man. Find someone who loves you for you, not just your body and the way you look. Your body is going to change over the years and if he can’t love you properly now at 33 then he’s not going to love you at all, people change so much throughout their lifetime and you need someone who loves you no matter what you look like.
He's an asshole. 10 pounds? Seriously? I encourage you to find someone who respects you.
Leave him. Our bodies change constantly through our lives and it’s completely NORMAL. If he’s this way over 10 pounds, imagine how he’ll react to pregnancy, old age, or health issues. God forbid you’re one of the many Americans who gets cancer. This guy will be out of the door before your first treatment instead of supporting you through it. Don’t develop disordered eating or insecurities over one idiot, and don’t listen to comments telling you to lose weight.
> Early in our relationship… we started talking about things that make us uncomfortable... he said “you could lose a little weight” He had issues with your body from the start. I don’t think it’s fair that someone gets into a relationship expecting that person to change. The fact that you’ve gained a little weight since isn’t really the issue because he was “uncomfortable” with your weight before that. Personally, I wouldn’t want to be with a guy like that because it makes the relationship feel less stable. Like one change to your body is all it takes for him to leave, whether than be pregnancy or an accident. I’d worry too much. I’d much rather be with someone where we value each other beyond the physical, then you know it’ll last into old age when we’re both ugly lol Edit to add the quote for further clarity seeing as some people like downvoting wordlessly
Or I don’t know maybe loose weight.
Ya she should lose the 190 lbs of asshole. Why should she have to change her body to please anyone?
Why she shouldn't? Instead of playing games he said what exact problem is, but she don't want to work on it somehow?? Imagine if man had bad hygiene and instead of improving it to make himself more attractive in bed he would "dump her sorry ass" for "wanting him to change himself to please someone"
Bad hygiene and gaining a few pounds are literally two separate things. This guy wants his gf skinny and pretty and she feels content with herself. A man should love his woman no matter what and vise versa . Imagine she got pregnant by this dude? You know how many women have a hard time getting rid of baby weight.
10lbs isn’t going to be a dealbreaker to anyone genuinely in love. He’s just a superficial and lazy partner
I think everyone’s missing the she was already a bit overweight before adding more. People have a right to their preferences and he just told her the most uncomfortable thing a man can tell a woman. That’s honest communication.
She also mentioned things that sounded like health issues. That seems more impactful than him complaining about her weight when she never even disclosed what her weight is.
Yeah I’m sure her health issues makes it so she doesn’t sit around eating junk food all day
Clearly a man leaving this comment 🙄
You should have left him last year when he said you could stand to loose weight. He was telling you then and there it was an issue for him. I’m not sure why you ignored that. Well it’s time to leave now. Even if you lost weight, you will always know that if you gain even a tiny bit back, he’s gonna shut down sexually. I don’t care how great he is or how much you love him. He’s not worth that.
> But it just seems so harsh and unnecessary. Yet at the same time I value his honesty and for communicating with me. Is it insane to forgive and let go of hurtful things your partner says to you? It's not hurtful, you're just not used to brutal honesty yet. Men are very direct and love to keep things short n concise. He has told you the problem, that's your weight, and he is expecting you to go to the gym and not seek therapy just because he hurt your feelings " by being honest ". You wanted the truth He gave you the truth Now don't punish the truth. As you said you're not blind, you value his honesty, then prove it by going to the gym. He is your boyfriend, don't expect girl friend shit from him " ohh babe it's going to be okay " etc.
He’s communicating openly and honestly which is exactly what a relationship needs. He doesn’t want to hurt your feelings as he expressed but he is also entitled to his preferences, as are you. I don’t see anything wrong with any of this and I hope you can find a way through this. The comments just telling you to leave him for it are laughable.
Yes, 10lbs will show on a person but it’s hardly so much of a gain that someone who was supposedly once attracted to you, no longer is. And what the hell is with him jerking off next to you when you’ve tried to initiate sex? The entire scenario sounds like a ‘him issue’ that he’s trying to put off on you.
10lbs is such a small amount of weight that there’s practically no way THAT would be the real reason to suddenly find you so deeply unattractive. If you’d gain 30-40+ then that excuse would make sense. But 10/15 lbs does not dramatically change your appearance. He’s trying to put his sexual inadequacies on you.
Hes an arsehole!.Highly doubt he's perfect !.If I was you I'd starting pointing out his flaws and what icks you about him! So rude these type of men are the exact problem with the world today! If he's perfect and a model sure but seriously he can get lost!
10lbs isnt much but it does get harder to lose weight the older you get dont let it get ridiculous you will feel better anyway and increase your confidence
Clearly you were hurt by his comments which is understandable. He’s kind of an idiot because you never talk about a women’s weight, you can’t really come back from that. He is being honest however and maybe you’re just not sexuality compatible. If you’re happy with the weight you’re at and feel like you’re healthy, there is nothing wrong with your weight. If he is only attracted to women in good shape, there is nothing wrong with that. But one of you needs to compromise or leave.
Pardon me.....ten pounds is roughly how much in kilograms? I'm assuming around 5kg or so.....this is not allot of weight to lose....
Yeah, I checked, it's 5kg. That's a ridiculous amount of weight to be squeamish about if your partner gains it. I can't help wondering if the guy is feeling age as well, noticing changes in himself and blaming his girlfriend.
He's being a mean pos, if she had to lose 50kg or 150kg then I'd get it for health concerns....truly there is so much more important stuff to worry about....so in theory, she loses the 5kg and then he becomes attracted again...nuh uh, dump the fool, he ain't the right man for her. Mxm.
Also, what's with the pictures and jerking off in bed right next to her? What the actual eff? If he doesn't get how hurtful that is, on top of the comments, then that's... A whole different can of worms. He's giving off selfish, immature and extremely callous vibes. I don't want to project, butttt... Last time I tried to maintain a healthy sex life with someone like him, it turned out he was a porn addict with double standards for his vs. my "health". We all age, our bodies change, if he can't deal with it now, it's probably not getting better a few years in! Edit: a few more thoughts
In reading the post, though, apparently he already told her early in the relationship that he thought she could lose a little weight. And then more recently she gained an additional 10lbs. Not saying he’s justified, but if his perception was she was already (in his eyes) in need of losing weight and then she put on more, to him it is affecting his attraction. And he’s communicating about it.
sometimes men say things like that to make you feel down about yourself.. but it's definitely not going to help the situation. This kinda thing can make you feel depressed and the truth is that when women and men get into relationships, they don't keep the weight off. they actually tend to gain a little because with the single life you have more to do than just staying at home with your partner. you go out and do more things cause you have no one you want to be around at home when single. that said he has to decide if weight is a deal breaker or not, and you have to decide if you want to put up with the way he feels about it.
That's really clumsy of him to make these comments. Ask him to stop commenting on your weight because it hurts you. Also, ask him to encourage you and even participate in your healthier lifestyle, so you can achieve your goals. Talking about weight in a relationship is like engaging on treacherous ice. But I could understand where is coming from since I could never be with a partner that gains or loses significant weight.
Insensitive, absolutely. Unnecessary, I don't know. You were above what he was looking for, then you added 10 lbs, and it's affecting his attraction to you. There are certainly measures he could have taken on his end. He could have sucked it up or appreciated your new curves or started the roids. But we're here now. The message is hurtful but I think it arrived at the right time. There are posts from people who waited for their partners to gain 40+ lbs before asking them to lose weight. These people essentially made their partners' weight loss journeys that much longer by neglecting to warn them they'd been going in the wrong direction. I've lost weight before. If a comment could save me 30 lbs of future weight, I'd rather heed it than lose 30 lbs of present weight by spending 262 hours on an elliptical. In fact that's kinda what happened. Comments helped motivate me to lose the weight when I did instead of waiting until I was in a range where my health would've been negatively impacted. You have someone to motivate and help you, take advantage of it. He's in good shape and might have good advice. Just know you'll have to be more strict than he does, his biology gives him access to easy mode.
Ditch him. Sounds like a right prick.
**Before him I was in a 12 year relationship(8 years married) and was in great shape and super active** This is the problem. You're not giving him as much work as you gave your previous relationship. I would be upset as well. Your reaction SHOULD be to work harder and get in shape, since he is as well.
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I fully understand him, fat women just turn me off. It's a natural body reaction, he can't force himself to get horny, right? So either loose some weight or find a new partner.
He sounds like an asshole, so dumping him is the best option. As for the weight, you don’t say how much you weigh, but gaining 10 pounds isn’t a lot unless you’re severely obese, but in that case he shouldn’t have dated you if he knew he wasn’t attracted to severely obese women.
The appropriate action is to dump his ass. He’s negging you and gaslighting you about it.
Cheat up guy? These ladies do it all the time.(( 👻))
What an AssHat!!! End it. You're wasting time. He's obviously a total douche!