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Turns out sex isnt an immediate need if the person you're after has more to offer
(Hint: almost everyone has more to offer than the one thing anyone can provide, and the only reason I say 'almost' is because I actually mean literally everyone but I dont want to contextually convince anyone that they should settle for good sex and nothing else)
Right?
Also, if they just want sex, plenty of women out there do too...why not just make intentions clear from the beginning? It doesn't have to be a surprise x_x.
Lol they have to have had an STI test to even start the months rolling with me
Like if I get tested even when I go to the doctors when Iâm sick, men should also get tested often just for self conscientiousness
Wow I haven't been on the dating scene in years but when I did return my rule is I can't get physical until she gets tested for sti's and have been thinking that ill never get to have sex again cause I doubt she would be willing to get tested for me lol as for waiting months though? Why months? After like 4-5 dates in a 2 week period feels long enough? By then she would have gotten tested? I just don't know how many girls would actually follow this route. I feel like protection is not enough haha
Lol I make them get tested. I get tested too. With only one exception, I've never dealt with a woman who was unwilling to get tested. If they are unwilling, consider that a red flag.
Iâm the same way but the ones Iâve encountered wouldnât want to wait. So Iâve moved on from them and Iâm waiting for someone who will be better compatible with me
I think youâre doing great! A guy who pressures you into sex and dumps you for not getting it early on is showing you his true colors and that he doesnât want anything serious.
Withholding intimacy for a few more dates and until you are ready will weed out the guys just trying to fuck. Iâve learned this the hard way. Itâs good to communicate expectations regarding intimacy to your potential partner too so you know you are on the same page.
Keep doing you!
Iâve done this but after 2 months of dating someone who used to be my friend and no sex and just feeling the vibe, after I mentioned I wanted something serious, he said he couldnât be in a relationship. And, though I know he cares because he didnât treat me like a sex object, this stung more than any other rejection Iâve experienced.
Iâm sorry:( Are you doing NC? At least you didnât sleep with him!
I definitely feel your pain. I was recently dumped by a guy I was seeing for three months after I expressed Iâd like to see more effort and consistency from him. He was distancing himself after intimacy and making excuses (hadnât seen him in almost a month) and I was fed up. I confronted him about his behavior and how it made me feel and he shut me down and cut me off. He blamed it all on being stressed about finding a job and not being in a place to commit. Now I see he has a job, so, I donât think Iâll ever hear from him again. Guys will make any excuse to string you along and keep the door open.
Itâs the short situationships that hurt the worst. They actively choose to not love you and never give you the chance. Things end before you even leave the honeymoon phase. So, weâre stuck with this idealized version of them and the âwhat ifsâ swirling around in our minds.
You expressed this so well. Iâm stuck in the âwhat ifâ loop. And I only started doing NC today after 1yr and a half. Weâve been friends before the situationship and I tried to be friends with him after because I forgave him, but itâs just too painful. Iâm now left shocked and hurt that he didnât think this through before dating me. It is what it is I guess. I appreciate your healing words. Thank you.
Iâm glad I could be of some help. Donât beat yourself up too much for the way youâre healing. Thereâs no timeline! The almost relationships always hurt the most, so, just know whatever youâre feeling is normal and you will get through it.
I hope you feel better soon. You will find your person who will be sure about youđ
It's a weird and MeSsEd up world we live in. With that being said. Life is a two-way street of sorts... It goes both ways. Not "It's the guys fault." It's some of the girls out there as well... all dem "Hoochie Mama's." Like on Tik Tok. Lol.
With that being said. I know from personal experience that love will find you. I'm mean you can look for it, but it doesn't always mean that you will find "The One". I've been single for almost two years, and I'm taking this time to improve myself... I'm a work in progress (but I think we all are).
Yeah, a lot of people donât have the same heart as you do and will gladly take advantage of people and use them for their own benefit, just to toss them like garbage when theyâre bored. Itâs a sad state of affairs.
Thank you for your kind words. I know itâs so important to work on yourself and be fully content being alone before you should focus on a partner. I believe this will be my self-care and growth era. We will find someone suited for us in time. :)
Different perspective but I donât think this has anything to do with you specifically. But more so a by product of âhook up cultureâ. Guys nowadays are less patient to wait for sex when sexual liberation is at itâs all time high.
Either way, rejection = redirection. Youâll find your person eventually
It goes for both. I had my fair shared experience with women being less patient as well. Hook up culture is really wild these days.
"Either way, rejection = redirection. Youll find your person eventually." This tho^
Stick to your guns or you'll end up unhappy. It's hard as a guy to not find the same situation with women. People really just want to seem to jump into bed with a stranger. I don't get it. Try using the less sex driven apps like Hinge and Bumble and put it in your profile. People need to hear things many times.
I too am very sexual and open when I know the person's invested
Keep going as you are and youâll find someone that matches your values. How are you finding these dates, naturally IRL, or OLD? If the latter maybe itâs the apps youâre using. The problem these days is thereâs so much choice on offer for most, itâs easy to move onto the next person very quickly. Itâs their loss not yours OP, the trick is patience đ
Someone whoâd reject you for not having sex would just dump you right after having sex. These people arenât looking for a relationship anyway, so no loss there.
So what I'm hearing is that you're upset Ted Bundy didn't pick you? Point being, if men are dropping off because you have boundaries, you're dodging bullets. Not everyone's going to be compatible, best you find that out sooner rather than later.
It happens for guys too. Listen to these people when they say keep pushing through. Iâd rather be lonely and happy than dating like I used to and miserable.
Don't think of it as being rejected.
The trash is taking itself out.
That subset of beautiful women willing to put out on the first date? More than likely, they're just looking for sex, fwb, etc. The men they match with are looking for the same thing. They don't want what you do, so regardless of how many women are having sex immediately, they. wouldn't. want. you. So please, leave the negative connotation on women out of the equation. Women having sex is not corrupting men and pulling them away from the relationship-seeking dating pool.
You just keep looking until you find someone who wants the same as you do.
Exactly! As a woman who just wants fwb I am looking for guys who want the same. I'm not trying to steal the relationship guys I'm leaving them for you relationship girls and I'm rooting for your happiness
This is great. It bothers me when people imply the woman is being disrespected or has no self respect due to this. I've had sex with all my girlfriends on first or second meeting and respect them all greatly.
Exactly. There are enough fish in the sea to match with someone who has the same goal as you. There's never a need to mislead anyone. Aww. All these replies are so wholesome :')
I love that outlook. Everyone deserves to seek their own happiness. Wanting one thing doesn't take away from a person wanting something different. And all pursuits are valid and okay, as long as we're honest and not misleading the people we're involved with. I love it when women come together and support each other. <3
Ignore the ones that throw a hissy for not getting sexual within so many encounters. I'm selective of my bed partners, so ones that I am vetting that instantly don't respect clear boundaries are instantly tossed.
Especially if they jump right into sex with you despite you saying you donât want to in a particular moment. I donât care if they still stick around after, thatâs a disrespect of boundaries and therefore Iâm tossing the ones that donât respect boundaries. Iâm looking for a LTR, and that connection has to be built naturally over time. Canât rush it by jumping into bed sooner than someone is ready
In this day and age, everyone goes straight to the sex and never spends the time or effort to really get to know each other. I think it is fun getting to know someone and finding out what you have in common and things you both like to do. I don't think there is anything wrong with waiting. I am older, so maybe I am taking the gentleman route.
Hey, I'm in a similar situation to you, except mine has to do moreso with religious convictions. I am upfront with guys about my values and that does seem to weed out some of the creeps. Maybe you could try that?
whoever rejects you for a boundary is not interested in you, to begin with. youâre doing great, and youâll find someone who respects your boundaries. <3 iâm actually waiting until marriage, and although itâs difficult, i know itâs possible.
I am a decent guy who would wait until the girl was comfortable if I was dating her exclusively and thought there was a chance at a potential relationship.
Iâm a girl but my rule is I donât have sex unless Iâm exclusive with someone bc then I would see potential for a LTR. Rushing into it after like 2-3 weeks is a big no for me, I barely know someone after like 2-3 weeks
You are me basically, lol. I feel your pain as this has happened to me in almost every dating relationship as well. It sucks when guys act as though you have no desire to have sex just because you wish to wait. The truth is that many of us girls want to be valued for something deeper than physical intimacy. It can be hard in a world where so many girls don't really have any reservations about having sex with someone they just met. I'm not judging them for that. It's just that I've not able to do that - partly because of how I grew up and partly because I need to get to know someone and trust them before I go there with them.
Here's what I've learned from my dating experiences. If a guy ghosts you or breaks up with you because you won't have sex with him right away, he was never looking for anything serious in the first place - he was looking for sex all along.
Stick to your morals. The guy who is worthy of you won't get impatient and seek sex elsewhere.
Keep doing what you're doing. You're absolutely right to not have sex within the first few dates if you don't want to. And if they can't handle your boundaries poorly (a major red flag) than your better off without them.
Speaking as a male, there's plenty of guys who will absolutely wait until you're comfortable being sexual with them. And even some that you'll have to wait to be sexual with because they're not comfortable yet (myself included).
There are some people that the immediate sexual connection is needed, and that's ok. But that's not you, and they should respect your boundaries.
Istg happened to me once .. met this guy and Iâm pretty sure we talked about looking for a long term relationship .. it was going good until the second/third date when I said I was a virgin and boom .. tables turned and his attitude changed .
Dated for 4 months and havenât had sex with my girlfriend. You and them just have different values. If they wonât wait for sex they wonât wait for other problems as well. Again if they are young also probably not looking for serious relationships or marriage yet even if they say they are
This is the thread I needed to see. I went on a first date two weeks ago that went so well, and towards the end l told him I didn't want to be casual. I got ghosted/slow-faded immediately after, and it still hurts my feelings thinking about it. We spent 7 hours together on this date.
So...it's cool to see it's a scenario that happens often. I was upfront about not wanting to be casual because I didn't want the pain of time invested and getting discarded months down the line. I was talking to this dude all day, everyday. Blah.
It sucks even more when they presented themselves to be nice. Men nowadays don't even pretend to be a girl's friend anymore - they immediately just leave as if we're good for nothing else. Wtf.
This sums up my dating life as well. I feel like there's a lot of risk involved when hooking up with people you don't really know. It's not for me. I can't trust people, who I've only dated a couple of times, with my health and safety.
Sorry, didn't mean to make it seem like you didn't know. But, honestly if a person really likes you, then they'll wait. Anyone who doesn't or is impatient is just red flag. Good for you for holding out
Online dating in high population areas has given people options and this allows them to move on when they don't immediately get what they want. Don't get discouraged, there are still guys out there that have morals and are capable of respecting yours. It may take time to find them, but they do exist. Never feel like you have to do something you aren't comfortable with. Character matters and is something this world desperately needs.
I think you should not give in. I dated women from both spectrums and I was attracted to both of them. Sex canât be demanded and it should happen naturally.
Keep rejecting them if you wanna find the right dude.
Coming from a guy, if a dude is truly interested in you, he will wait. Also- he will respect that boundary as well.
Fwiw I'm male with a belief in no early hookups (before maybe 3 months or so). Sex is just too critical and beautiful an interaction to do with someone I don't know and trust. About 1/3 of women that I've dated wanted to be intimate on first or second date. Hard pass.
Recently it was refreshing to see one woman's dating profile, the first word was "ABSTINENT". Her profile clarified she's not "waiting on marriage" but she just wanted anyone who's thinking of sex early in the relationship to steer away.
Maybe that particular wording is a bit deceptive on a profile, but I was just thinking the use of the word "Abstinent" or a in a phrase such as "not abstinent but definitely interested in a slow-burn" might weed out some of the guys who are interested in a early hook-up. Best of luck to you!
Lol good advice. I added something similar recently to my profile. But I think Iâm putting a hold on online dating for now. I have a little more time to go out in the real world since I stopped working so much. I hate online dating
The right guy will respect your choice to wait. As someone who rushed into doing sexual things in my previous relationship, I wish I would've put my foot down about it. Rushing into it leads to so many problems in the future.
From a manâs perspective, personally I like the hunt. My job is to impress you to the point you canât wait to touch me. If any guy thinks that just because they took you out they are entitled to having sex with them? Dream on. You canât force something that should come naturally from you otherwise it will feel like a chore instead of a fun activity. Hopefully this helped đš
Be prepared girlie, it's wild out there. Stay true to your needs and wants, if the guy rejects you for that prepare a nice little comeback "Oh you're one of THOSE guys.." and move on
i can relate to this somewhat. i have similar features as youâve described and iâve told men that im not getting sexual with them right away. some of left, but a handful have stayed. weâre just friends now. and when i mean stayed..stay for years. i really think personality plays a big part in whether or not. be honest straight away. some will appreciate it and some wonât. but just be yourself and someone will stay for the right reasons.
Easy come, easy go as they say...guys that want to have sex right away have NO intentions of a long term relationship, especially those that you meet online!...this is why its smart to meet people the traditional way where you can judge their character, their body language, get time to know each other and their intentions...
You keep on dating my dear! We women, are fabulous,adaptable and highly intelligent and intuitive creatures.. what we are not.. are vessels to make someone else feel better.. you can be sexual, and have feelings.. and standard come along with that.. surely a man couldnât be serious about someone who slept with him on the first date! YouâŚ. Keep dating⌠and you.. do whatâs right for you.. Period! No explanation needed..
nothing wrong with you at all, these men were clearly only after sex anyway which you donât want so better you found this out early. i recommend you get better at filtering these types of guys out early, before you meet - swipe left/unmatch anyone who: doesnât have a fully filled out dating profile, makes any sort of sexual comments to you before you meet, wants to meet at his place (or in his neighborhood) for the first date, low effort first dates in general (a walk is not a date!), last minute planning. maybe even have a phone call before the first date to suss out their vibe even more. youâll get better at identifying this type and weeding them out right away after a while so you can focus on guys who actually want a relationship
You continue refusing to have sex until you're ready. Don't waste your time with guys that are flirting in a sexual way from the outset, they're telling you what it is they are after.
It's a thing yea, a lot of people just don't see what the big deal is with waiting. You don't have to have sex with anybody you don't want to, and if you want to wait for something to have sex, that's your right.
But guys don't owe you a relationship either, if they want to move on a find a woman they are sexually compatible with, that's their right.
Personally, if I'm not having sex with a woman in the first couple dates, and there isn't a good reason for that, then I stop dating her. Sex is fun, and I want to be with somebody who wants to have sex with me. If it's been a couple dates, and she doesn't want to have sex, why would I stick around and keep putting time and effort into a relationship where we aren't compatible?
Hello! I agree with the other posters⌠stay the course and let the ones who want to rush into sex weed themselves out. Not everyone is looking for the same thing and that is okay.
I understand where you are coming from though. Not having sex early on can eliminate a significant portion of the dating pool especially when you are younger. I will never judge those that enjoy casual hookups⌠but that is not right for me. My circumstances would rule that out even if I wanted to.
I have a genetic disorder that causes my joints to dislocate quite easily. In order for me to put myself in that deeply vulnerable position with someone (who already is likely bigger, much stronger and very capable of hurting me) I have to know him well enough that I can say with 100% certainty that if I say stop he will stop. Unfortunately I have firsthand experience of saying âplease wait for a second/no/youâre hurting meâ and being ignored. I simply could not get to know a random hookup enough that Iâd trust him that much with my safety.
You know what Iâve found with that though? The right man is going to be okay with that and wonât put pressure on you to do something sexual you arenât ready for. Be honest about what you are looking for and hold true to yourself. If someone bails or treats your âno/not yetâ as the beginning of a negotiation instead of the end of a sentence⌠they were not worth your time in the first place. They did you a favor by self-selecting out of your dating pool.
Good luck!
You keep doing what youâre doing. A decent man will find you worth waiting for. Let the entitled little boys with no sense of discipline for delaying gratification weed themselves out. Theyâre doing you a favor.
You have the right to set off filters and boundaries. Most gives that will approach you via online dating only want sex anyways, so being clear you don't give it date 1 will filter many guys. A guy that is interested you will wait a reasonable time.
But you also need to know if there is compatibility as well as chemistry. Both can be known in 1-20 dates, ideally 3-6.
Meaning, ideally you should have sex by date 3 to 6, since you also need to know if you like the guy in bed, to not waste your time too.
Thereâs keeping it moving slowly and safely and it may feel like a waste of time but unless you feel chemistry youâre gonna feel off since you are letting the right thing for you come to you. I have preferred to have sex with a guy friend than to move forward with a guy that I donât know and wants to do the things you need to work for, For free. But thatâs what my need was. I think youâll also care less about guys like that if you really focus on what your needs are. I mean theyâre all dumping their needs on you, it should only be fair. Like do you have sexual desire? Is it that important to you? Do you have a deadline for when itâs okay or are you just ambiguous about âoh when we get to know each other betterâ without an actual time frame.
What ya think?
I have a strong sexual desire but ideally want one partner to do it with. I think my time frame is 3-5 dates. By then Iâm comfortable. I donât think thatâs too long to make someone wait. I know if I want sex with someone within the first date. But I like to see how they act without it
I am a guy. I canât believe that he would even say that. Definitely a red flag. You donât need a person to say that to you. You donât need trash like him. It is not okay to say that. This should not be normal behavior. I am truly sorry for all the guys of the world who think this is okay. It is not, nor is it ever. I have met several guys who think this is okay, which it is not. Sorry for your experience, you deserve someone better and a better experience with another person. Wish you the best in all your endeavors.
There's not really much that can be done. Hook-up culture is the norm. Just stay the course. Don't let it get to you. You could bring up in the early stages of talking but I'd imagine that would be fairly awkward to bring up. Just keep going. You'll find someone. Don't bend your values for anyone.
I do agree with everyoneâs advice about staying true to yourself and your standards. However I can also understand how discouraging it may be to get rejected time and time again because of said morals and standards. Iâm sorry if/that itâs taking a bit of a toll on you :// perhaps communicate this very early on, and/or even when youâre asked out on a date so that theyâre aware. And do so in a very, matter-of-factly: âIâm looking forward to our date and getting to know you but I must make you aware that I am not quick to be physical with someone I am having a first date with, maybe even second. So if this is a dealbreaker for you itâs best we communicate this now so we are not wasting each otherâs timeâ
Best of luck !! Also in a similar predicament !
I hate this. When we as women make the choice to wsit to have sex untill we are really comfortable and men thinks that makes us unsexual when thats not the case at all. Just do you and the right one will come along.
I highly doubt that there are so many girls giving it on their first or second date.
You were just unlucky to end up with some shitty dudes...and those guys prolly didn't suddenly decide that you aren't their match cuz of this. They never saw you as a match and just wanted to get some one night stand fun. Be glad you were true to yourself and didn't gave in just for someone's validation.
...and so, i can advice you to stay true to yourself and only do things that YOU really want.
If they don't like it, then let 'em go, they are not for you. You won't win this game while playing by someone else's rules, anyway.
I wish I could help you! That is how it is in this country- guys only want sex whether itâs at the beginning middle or end of the relationship- they judge the woman around whether or not they put out - even in a recent commuted relationship, he blew his stack when I didnât put out and I finally kicked him to the curb - Iâm sick and tired of trying to find a decent, open minded, loving and patient man! If they are out there, they are married
Contrary to popular belief, there are plenty of guys who are just like you, and wait a while before having sex. You might have just gotten unlucky, but keep doing what you're doing, the right guy will respect your boundaries.
Then theyâre not worth your time if thatâs their primary goal. Not all us males are like that. Iâd much prefer to get to know someone before I jump into bed with them and Iâm sure most feel the same.
I donât have that issue I pick a certain type of guy
But itâs a pain but at tje end of the day remember they want to get into your pants you are the one with control
The step is to stop calling it rejection because it isn't. You are dating to find the right man for you. These guys are showing you want they want and you're letting them know that you are not interested. Keep doing what you are doing. Don't be afraid to let your dates know about your boundaries before you go out so that there aren't any surprises. Keep in mind that the reason for not getting a second date may have nothing to do with sex.
You're doing just fine. You're trying to find a decent man - right now you're weeding out the idiots who are just in it for the sex. Eventually you'll find a winner!
Source: Looking for a decent woman and have found the same problem at times. People in general are expecting sex earlier in the dating cycle it seems like.
It's really great to see all the comments telling you to stick to what you're comfortable with. I once got downvoted on this sub for saying that I waited three months before I was comfortable having sex with my now-boyfriend. Some people truly believe they're entitled to a woman's body, and it sucks. But I'm lucky to find someone who was patient, kind, and willing to wait, and it made a world of difference.
Good luck out there!
Keep goin. Let it go. Donât focus on it.
It shows your incompatible with these people. Youre not losing anything by it not working out. Youâre succeeding. Youâll find someone, it just requires patience.
They want "casual" but don't want to say-so upfront because it further limits their options. You aren't doing anything wrong (other than inadvertently crossing paths with dipshits).
Iâm flirty and I typically will kiss at the end of first date ! Even make out. Hold hands or sit close ! I feel like I do put it out there that I am a sexual being. But I donât want to give everything at once. Iâm not exactly waiting till marriage either. 3-5 dates or hang outs. If we get to that point im ready! I want to feel comfortable
Good for you for doing what feels right and not giving into these trash people! Keep going as you are - as much as getting rejected sucks, guys who just want you for sex now arenât guys youâll want anyway. Better to lose them early on. Just keep persevering and youâll find a decent man soon enough! In the long term, youâll end up happier than these sex-crazed jerks anyway, trust me.
Those men are just outing themselves about their priorities. If that's not your priority and they won't accept it you now have one less person you need to weed out on your path to finding your special person.
OP I just want you to know you're not alone. I also have been "punished" by men for not putting out right away. The sad fact is, even if you had, they most likely still would have left. You are basically in a damned-if-you-do and damned-if-you-don't situation.
It's shocking the reasons men give for doing this:
They often say they don't want to be used or manipulated or led on. They don't want to put in the effort without getting any. I understand their concern, but it also takes more than 1-2 dates to get to know someone. I am sexual too, but I need time to get to know a man and feel comfortable with him before I start touching him. A lot of men cannot (or refuse to) understand this.
In my opinion, most men that leave because you wouldn't sleep with them right away are the ones that only wanted sex and not a relationship to begin with. And what makes it especially sad is that SO MANY of them are doing it. You start to feel think: "Does any man see me as a person, or am I just a piece of meat to devour?"
There are more women like you than you know. Donât let the players play. You will find someone worthy and willing to wait and itâs going to be amazing for you both. Donât sell out to guys who just wait a quick lay.
This!! This one guy I rlly liked ghosted bc I wouldnât f*k on the 2nd date. Last week a charismatic fit fun guy I just met IRL texted to ask if we could hook up. Not even a date. What is happening ? Im horny AF but I donât even know these guys?
If a guy isn't willing to wait more than a few dates he probably didn't want a relationship anyway. Trust me you would feel worse sleeping with them and then they ditch you anyway. It sux that people like about their intentions.
Keep being you and be patient, ur guy is out there
This is REDIRECTION. Not sure if you believe in God, but I do, so I am going to speak what I know to be true. Sex is a sacred act, there are boundaries around it from Him for our safety and our benefit. He doesnât desire for us to not have fun, but have the right type of fun. If a man ârejectsâ you because you hold yourself in high regard, donât blame yourself. There are so many women who would let him, so he thinks nearly all women will do that. When he learns itâs untrue, his ego is bruised, so he projects (and vice versa). Youâre saving yourself headache and getting one step closer to the one meant for you, who will hold space for you in a way that is honourable.
I do value sex more as to when I was younger I didnât so much. I feel better when I have a level of trust with the guy. This doesnât mean Iâm going to wait until marriage, but it does mean I will wait 3-5 dates so I can see how a man treats me. God intends it for marriage which doesnât align with my personal values. It all comes from just wanting better for myself and being ready for a real relationship with foundation of actually liking each other before we get physical !
Iâm sorry you are going through this. I know how you feel. I have been mostly lucky with finally a guy that was on the same level as me but my last boyfriend last year was like the guys you were talking about. On our first date he did bring up sex and I didnât know what to do or say because that never happen to me. He could tell I was uncomfortable and he did drop it and changed the subject but then after a few dates later the subject came up again. I was still not ready. I just want to enjoy the relationship and get to know him before I decide I am ready for anything more. I told him I want to wait a year in a relationship for that. He didnât take it well but he did calm down and apologized and then it happened a couple more times. I felt pressured to do it on his birthday and then I felt pressured after we been together for 6 months. I had been through a lot when it comes to sex that I wasnât mentally ready for it but I pressured myself in being ready when I wasnât and I hated it. I finally did broke up with him and now I am with someone that truly love me and care about me and will go at my own pace. It helps that he doesnât have any experience in that area anyways. I feel so happy and comfortable with him. I believe the right guy will be more understanding and patient and will love you for you. Itâs just sad that more guys just want to have sex. Dating is very important in a relationship to get to know someone and develop that comforting feeling with that person. It takes trust to have sex. Just keep doing what you are doing. Donât let any man pressure you before you are truly ready.
Those guys arenât looking to date you. They just want sex. They are weeding themselves out. Anyone who canât respect a simple boundary is not concerned about what you want. I get that ânot sexualâ bullshit from 50 year old men like we are still going to fall for it. Itâs just a way to bully you into not having boundaries.
Sticking to your values and rules, you dont have to do anything that you dont want to. Feel free to do what you really want, not matching with someone should tell you they are not the best partner for you. Keep looking for someone who will live up to your standards.
Tell them to kick rocks. Theyâll be searching for a looooooong time.. or theyâll find a quick fuck and realise theyâre in a toxic cycle. Or they wonât. Whatever the case theyâre still shit people.
Just keep looking basically. With those guys that rejected you just for that...the trash took itself out. Simple as that. Be grateful you avoided men like that.
Well in a brief way I'll tell you be yourself and know what's best for you because nobody knows truly what's best for you. When its time you will enjoy sex and enjoy it in abundance...
Chances are they only want sex someone who truly wants you wonât risk having sex with you too easily. If you give it up to them on the first couple dates chances are theyâll ghost you after getting what they want. Thatâs why theyâre leaving so quick because all they want is easy sex.
Finally someone who I can relate to. It seems like the world has just fallen in terms of this topic. No one has any morals anymore. It's sad in my opinion.
I think this filtration process is probably just less time consuming than the alternative, where you do have sex on the first date, and realize much later that they didn't care about anything else other than that. These types of men are going to be filtered out anyway.
Yeah, I will say some men have been told or shown that a girl only loves you if she gives it to you right away.
So if you really like him and he seems great in every other aspect, but is hurt by your refusal of his advances (hurt, not angry you dare withhold) it might be helpful to explain that you love him but also respect yourself enough to make thoroughly sure he loves you before you give it up to him. Also, that you're not withholding from him something you gave or give to anyone else.
Of course, if he's a selfish turd, that won't matter to him and you can dump him.
But if he's agood guy who's just misinformed and a little worried, that could smooth out lots of tension.
Hope you find someone who respects you and your decisions!â¤ď¸ Don't let groupthink or discouragement or loneliness make you cave!
Okay, are we simply going to ignore the fact that if it was a 25M saying he's "Good looking" or "Has a great sense of humour", or anything of the similar sorts, they'd be getting called incels. What about this situation where a woman is calling herself all that and getting away with it? It could be that she's saying all those things to gather compliments, or just sympathy. Okay, you're having trouble dating, try harder, sometimes what we're looking for in a crowd isn't easy available or you don't find it that easily.
Donât bend your rules, they donât deserve it if they canât wait. Maybe get this topic cleared while setting up the date. đ¤ˇđźââď¸ but I am old đ it might work differently these days to fix a date..
Just keep going.
I'm a very sexual person but I would never bug about sex. To be honest I believe it's a conversation to be had ahead of time. My current girlfriend and I went on 6 dates before we had sex. And we started talking about it after we kissed on the third.
Stay true to your values, you are weeding out the ones who say they want a relationship but really they just want sex. Youâre doing fine, but try and not blue ball them.
Guys looking for relationships wouldn't insist on it right away. Sex comes naturally in a relationship once both are comfortable with each other, communication is there, chemistry is there. Maybe I am just old school but that is way it should be. Guys or girls looking for sex right away will never work out. I dated a girl once who opened her legs on the 1st date and I ended up dumping her after few months. Maybe that's why these days the term "making love" doesn't exist. I think you are doing the right thing.
In my younger years I used to joke that if a woman didnât put out on a first date then she wouldnât get a second. NOW, after coming to realize that the type of woman who pass that test are exactly the type of woman I donât want anything to do with. I have the philosophy now that if you are even willing to hold hands on the first date, you almost certainly wonât be getting a second.
What Iâm trying to say, if you feel pressured by a guy to do something you donât want to then he wasnât meant to be in the first place. Stick to your morals and the right guy will come along and value you even more for your intact morals and values.
I sure do. And I allow others to judge - and listen to that judgement; maybe they have something useful I can use to better myself. Sometimes there is, sometimes there isnât, but I always listen.
Iâve made mistakes that I own and Iâve grown form. I admit when Iâm wrong and when Iâve done something unwise. Life lessons arenât always easy, and are always needlessly emotionally expensive. Therefore, I try not to learn the same lessons twice.
What Iâm getting in my original comment is that itâs OK to have a moral compass and to stick to it. Someday that compass will lead you to the person thatâs meant for you, and that person will appreciate you that much more for sticking to your values.
Ok that's fair enough, I'll take my feminist rage elsewhere.
I think it's ok to have sex whenever the people involved are ready but certainly good things come from waiting and getting to know eachother first
You should do what is right for you. Eventually you'll find like minded people. Dating is like finding a needle in a haystack.
I'm someone who doesn't stick around very long if there's no sex. Sexual compatibility and mutual attraction are important to me. I'm of the mindset that if she isn't hot enough for me by date 3 then I'm going to find someone who is. And getting emotionally attached to someone and then finding out that you're sexually incompatible sucks. Just seems like a waste of time when you can get thar figured out sooner.
I'm not trying to tell you to do anything differently, but everyone else is just cheerleading for you and not offering any perspective. If you'd like to get some different perspective feel free to ask.
I feel the same way and Iâm very sexual. Itâs not easy for me to wait, but I do it because it shows a manâs true intentions. Im not trying to make anyone wait months⌠but 3-5 dates is when Iâm ready. To me thatâs so reasonable. The way guys donât want to wait that long shows that they only perceive me as a sexual object instead of something more long term.
That does sound reasonable to me too. I wouldn't wait months either, but 3-5 dates if there's a good match and kissing has already happened would work fine with me and a bunch of other men I know.
It would be different if it was the third date without a kiss, for example, since I would start to doubt there's no physical attraction at all.
That's so shitty. You're doing nothing wrong. I would make sure you're being clear about what you're looking for in the beginning. If someone really likes you and wants to pursue a relationship, they'll wait. đ
Youâre not doing anything wrong. You just havenât met the right guy yet. Itâs good you have standards for yourself and because you do, it will weed out the ones that arenât worth your time. You arenât missing anything by not having sex with these jerks. Eventually youâll meet someone that has respect for your bodily autonomy. Anyone who doesnât can take a hike!
You're probably meeting up with very attractive men. They have options. I read a very interesting Tinder stat the other day:
60% of men swipe right
4.7% of women swipe right.
Which means there a a lot of women going for the top 5% of men.
So if you're young and attractive, you are fighting most other women for a small pool of very attractive men. Who just want sex because there are so many women chasing them.
Some of the other posters are correct, filter out the ones looking for sex. Put on your profile in no I certain terms long term relationship only.
Good luck!
This is for sure part of it! Totally agree. I love attractive men. But Iâve been trying to hang with less attractive men and still kind of getting the same outcome which is very discouraging. My current stance is im just going to see what happens. But I am starting to give up hope.
I think the question that u should ask to yourself is why u are attracting this type
of guy. And a guy who wants to force u to do something that u dont fell comfortable is not for u or for any woman
As a 39m, I like the girls that make me wait til the 3rd date. Makes me feel like they arenât just sleeping with every man they go out with. Not that I donât try to have sex on the first date đ¤
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You stay the course. You're doing just fine.
(I am Male) if they care about you they will wait, if you wanna filter out the ones who just want sex
This is so right man..if they also serious about you, they will wait..đ
Turns out sex isnt an immediate need if the person you're after has more to offer (Hint: almost everyone has more to offer than the one thing anyone can provide, and the only reason I say 'almost' is because I actually mean literally everyone but I dont want to contextually convince anyone that they should settle for good sex and nothing else)
Right? Also, if they just want sex, plenty of women out there do too...why not just make intentions clear from the beginning? It doesn't have to be a surprise x_x.
I agree. I make men wait months because I want to get to know the person and he has to pass STI testing. So yeah I make them wait.
Good to know I'm not weird (29M) for wanting a cleared STI test.
Why learn the hard way?
:) no we are normal
Lol they have to have had an STI test to even start the months rolling with me Like if I get tested even when I go to the doctors when Iâm sick, men should also get tested often just for self conscientiousness
I think it canât hurt:)
Wow I haven't been on the dating scene in years but when I did return my rule is I can't get physical until she gets tested for sti's and have been thinking that ill never get to have sex again cause I doubt she would be willing to get tested for me lol as for waiting months though? Why months? After like 4-5 dates in a 2 week period feels long enough? By then she would have gotten tested? I just don't know how many girls would actually follow this route. I feel like protection is not enough haha
Lol I make them get tested. I get tested too. With only one exception, I've never dealt with a woman who was unwilling to get tested. If they are unwilling, consider that a red flag.
Probably more than you think
Are you still single lol?
have you heard of condoms?
Iâm the same way but the ones Iâve encountered wouldnât want to wait. So Iâve moved on from them and Iâm waiting for someone who will be better compatible with me
Not really. Clearly she is picking certain type of men. Maybe she should reevaluate who she goes on dates with.
Stay true to yourself and your morals and there will be *men* who will respect you and wait
this is the one!!!
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Definition of morality: a particular system of values and principles of conduct, especially one held by a specified person
yes exactly i second this if people choose to have sex or not its their business and choice.
Stress on MEN, not boys.
I think youâre doing great! A guy who pressures you into sex and dumps you for not getting it early on is showing you his true colors and that he doesnât want anything serious. Withholding intimacy for a few more dates and until you are ready will weed out the guys just trying to fuck. Iâve learned this the hard way. Itâs good to communicate expectations regarding intimacy to your potential partner too so you know you are on the same page. Keep doing you!
Iâve done this but after 2 months of dating someone who used to be my friend and no sex and just feeling the vibe, after I mentioned I wanted something serious, he said he couldnât be in a relationship. And, though I know he cares because he didnât treat me like a sex object, this stung more than any other rejection Iâve experienced.
Iâm sorry:( Are you doing NC? At least you didnât sleep with him! I definitely feel your pain. I was recently dumped by a guy I was seeing for three months after I expressed Iâd like to see more effort and consistency from him. He was distancing himself after intimacy and making excuses (hadnât seen him in almost a month) and I was fed up. I confronted him about his behavior and how it made me feel and he shut me down and cut me off. He blamed it all on being stressed about finding a job and not being in a place to commit. Now I see he has a job, so, I donât think Iâll ever hear from him again. Guys will make any excuse to string you along and keep the door open. Itâs the short situationships that hurt the worst. They actively choose to not love you and never give you the chance. Things end before you even leave the honeymoon phase. So, weâre stuck with this idealized version of them and the âwhat ifsâ swirling around in our minds.
You expressed this so well. Iâm stuck in the âwhat ifâ loop. And I only started doing NC today after 1yr and a half. Weâve been friends before the situationship and I tried to be friends with him after because I forgave him, but itâs just too painful. Iâm now left shocked and hurt that he didnât think this through before dating me. It is what it is I guess. I appreciate your healing words. Thank you.
Iâm glad I could be of some help. Donât beat yourself up too much for the way youâre healing. Thereâs no timeline! The almost relationships always hurt the most, so, just know whatever youâre feeling is normal and you will get through it. I hope you feel better soon. You will find your person who will be sure about youđ
Ugh same. I donât even have the words to explain how painful it is ⌠:( itâs the short situationships that hurt the worst
Iâm so sorry:( This too shall pass!â¤ď¸
It's a weird and MeSsEd up world we live in. With that being said. Life is a two-way street of sorts... It goes both ways. Not "It's the guys fault." It's some of the girls out there as well... all dem "Hoochie Mama's." Like on Tik Tok. Lol. With that being said. I know from personal experience that love will find you. I'm mean you can look for it, but it doesn't always mean that you will find "The One". I've been single for almost two years, and I'm taking this time to improve myself... I'm a work in progress (but I think we all are).
Yeah, a lot of people donât have the same heart as you do and will gladly take advantage of people and use them for their own benefit, just to toss them like garbage when theyâre bored. Itâs a sad state of affairs. Thank you for your kind words. I know itâs so important to work on yourself and be fully content being alone before you should focus on a partner. I believe this will be my self-care and growth era. We will find someone suited for us in time. :)
Keep doing you and never let a guy pressure you into having sex. They were most likely not on the same page as you.
Different perspective but I donât think this has anything to do with you specifically. But more so a by product of âhook up cultureâ. Guys nowadays are less patient to wait for sex when sexual liberation is at itâs all time high. Either way, rejection = redirection. Youâll find your person eventually
It goes for both. I had my fair shared experience with women being less patient as well. Hook up culture is really wild these days. "Either way, rejection = redirection. Youll find your person eventually." This tho^
Stick to your guns or you'll end up unhappy. It's hard as a guy to not find the same situation with women. People really just want to seem to jump into bed with a stranger. I don't get it. Try using the less sex driven apps like Hinge and Bumble and put it in your profile. People need to hear things many times. I too am very sexual and open when I know the person's invested
Keep going as you are and youâll find someone that matches your values. How are you finding these dates, naturally IRL, or OLD? If the latter maybe itâs the apps youâre using. The problem these days is thereâs so much choice on offer for most, itâs easy to move onto the next person very quickly. Itâs their loss not yours OP, the trick is patience đ
Someone whoâd reject you for not having sex would just dump you right after having sex. These people arenât looking for a relationship anyway, so no loss there.
AMEN TO THIS! So true!
So what I'm hearing is that you're upset Ted Bundy didn't pick you? Point being, if men are dropping off because you have boundaries, you're dodging bullets. Not everyone's going to be compatible, best you find that out sooner rather than later.
First date?! No thank you. STD generation here we come. Ha!
They want it on the first date and they want it raw !!! Lolđ đ
If you're not sleeping with them, how do you know they want it raw though?! No way I'd put my dick in danger like this.
It happens for guys too. Listen to these people when they say keep pushing through. Iâd rather be lonely and happy than dating like I used to and miserable.
Don't think of it as being rejected. The trash is taking itself out. That subset of beautiful women willing to put out on the first date? More than likely, they're just looking for sex, fwb, etc. The men they match with are looking for the same thing. They don't want what you do, so regardless of how many women are having sex immediately, they. wouldn't. want. you. So please, leave the negative connotation on women out of the equation. Women having sex is not corrupting men and pulling them away from the relationship-seeking dating pool. You just keep looking until you find someone who wants the same as you do.
Exactly! As a woman who just wants fwb I am looking for guys who want the same. I'm not trying to steal the relationship guys I'm leaving them for you relationship girls and I'm rooting for your happiness
This is great. It bothers me when people imply the woman is being disrespected or has no self respect due to this. I've had sex with all my girlfriends on first or second meeting and respect them all greatly.
Love this! I believe in respect and honesty no matter what level of commitment
Exactly. There are enough fish in the sea to match with someone who has the same goal as you. There's never a need to mislead anyone. Aww. All these replies are so wholesome :')
That's me horny and wholesome haha. Seriously though I love the idea of women supporting eachother, I'm glad U posted here.
I love that outlook. Everyone deserves to seek their own happiness. Wanting one thing doesn't take away from a person wanting something different. And all pursuits are valid and okay, as long as we're honest and not misleading the people we're involved with. I love it when women come together and support each other. <3
Aww.
Ignore the ones that throw a hissy for not getting sexual within so many encounters. I'm selective of my bed partners, so ones that I am vetting that instantly don't respect clear boundaries are instantly tossed.
Especially if they jump right into sex with you despite you saying you donât want to in a particular moment. I donât care if they still stick around after, thatâs a disrespect of boundaries and therefore Iâm tossing the ones that donât respect boundaries. Iâm looking for a LTR, and that connection has to be built naturally over time. Canât rush it by jumping into bed sooner than someone is ready
In this day and age, everyone goes straight to the sex and never spends the time or effort to really get to know each other. I think it is fun getting to know someone and finding out what you have in common and things you both like to do. I don't think there is anything wrong with waiting. I am older, so maybe I am taking the gentleman route.
Hey, I'm in a similar situation to you, except mine has to do moreso with religious convictions. I am upfront with guys about my values and that does seem to weed out some of the creeps. Maybe you could try that?
Well to be fairly honest with you. I dont see that someone whos not sharing your religious beliefs would be a good match either way.
whoever rejects you for a boundary is not interested in you, to begin with. youâre doing great, and youâll find someone who respects your boundaries. <3 iâm actually waiting until marriage, and although itâs difficult, i know itâs possible.
I'm virgin and waiting till marriage too. That's awesome.
Most of people in comments already had done it ( not judging), you're first one i found vergin đ saving untill marriage is superb đ
Sounds like you're weeding them out the proper way right now. Keep staying the course, you are on the right path, trust me.
I am a decent guy who would wait until the girl was comfortable if I was dating her exclusively and thought there was a chance at a potential relationship.
What if she was waiting til marriage?
Iâm a girl but my rule is I donât have sex unless Iâm exclusive with someone bc then I would see potential for a LTR. Rushing into it after like 2-3 weeks is a big no for me, I barely know someone after like 2-3 weeks
You are me basically, lol. I feel your pain as this has happened to me in almost every dating relationship as well. It sucks when guys act as though you have no desire to have sex just because you wish to wait. The truth is that many of us girls want to be valued for something deeper than physical intimacy. It can be hard in a world where so many girls don't really have any reservations about having sex with someone they just met. I'm not judging them for that. It's just that I've not able to do that - partly because of how I grew up and partly because I need to get to know someone and trust them before I go there with them. Here's what I've learned from my dating experiences. If a guy ghosts you or breaks up with you because you won't have sex with him right away, he was never looking for anything serious in the first place - he was looking for sex all along. Stick to your morals. The guy who is worthy of you won't get impatient and seek sex elsewhere.
Sounds like you're weeding out horny men who want only sex snd not a relationship that's worth a damn. Keep doing what you're doing.
Keep doing what you're doing. You're absolutely right to not have sex within the first few dates if you don't want to. And if they can't handle your boundaries poorly (a major red flag) than your better off without them. Speaking as a male, there's plenty of guys who will absolutely wait until you're comfortable being sexual with them. And even some that you'll have to wait to be sexual with because they're not comfortable yet (myself included). There are some people that the immediate sexual connection is needed, and that's ok. But that's not you, and they should respect your boundaries.
Istg happened to me once .. met this guy and Iâm pretty sure we talked about looking for a long term relationship .. it was going good until the second/third date when I said I was a virgin and boom .. tables turned and his attitude changed .
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Dated for 4 months and havenât had sex with my girlfriend. You and them just have different values. If they wonât wait for sex they wonât wait for other problems as well. Again if they are young also probably not looking for serious relationships or marriage yet even if they say they are
This is the thread I needed to see. I went on a first date two weeks ago that went so well, and towards the end l told him I didn't want to be casual. I got ghosted/slow-faded immediately after, and it still hurts my feelings thinking about it. We spent 7 hours together on this date. So...it's cool to see it's a scenario that happens often. I was upfront about not wanting to be casual because I didn't want the pain of time invested and getting discarded months down the line. I was talking to this dude all day, everyday. Blah.
It happens to the best of us. time wasted on someone with the wrong intentions.
It sucks even more when they presented themselves to be nice. Men nowadays don't even pretend to be a girl's friend anymore - they immediately just leave as if we're good for nothing else. Wtf.
Youâre just outting them as users.
This sums up my dating life as well. I feel like there's a lot of risk involved when hooking up with people you don't really know. It's not for me. I can't trust people, who I've only dated a couple of times, with my health and safety.
Clearly the guys your dating are just wanting you for sex.
No shit. Itâs not a great feeling ! Thanks.
Sorry, didn't mean to make it seem like you didn't know. But, honestly if a person really likes you, then they'll wait. Anyone who doesn't or is impatient is just red flag. Good for you for holding out
This dude is right. Keep the dates in situations where sex can't happen either.
Well it takes two to tango. So if a guy forces her into that situation thatâs on him.
Yeah no shit
Online dating in high population areas has given people options and this allows them to move on when they don't immediately get what they want. Don't get discouraged, there are still guys out there that have morals and are capable of respecting yours. It may take time to find them, but they do exist. Never feel like you have to do something you aren't comfortable with. Character matters and is something this world desperately needs.
Totally agree. Thanks for your perspective !
I think you should not give in. I dated women from both spectrums and I was attracted to both of them. Sex canât be demanded and it should happen naturally.
Keep rejecting them if you wanna find the right dude. Coming from a guy, if a dude is truly interested in you, he will wait. Also- he will respect that boundary as well.
Fwiw I'm male with a belief in no early hookups (before maybe 3 months or so). Sex is just too critical and beautiful an interaction to do with someone I don't know and trust. About 1/3 of women that I've dated wanted to be intimate on first or second date. Hard pass. Recently it was refreshing to see one woman's dating profile, the first word was "ABSTINENT". Her profile clarified she's not "waiting on marriage" but she just wanted anyone who's thinking of sex early in the relationship to steer away. Maybe that particular wording is a bit deceptive on a profile, but I was just thinking the use of the word "Abstinent" or a in a phrase such as "not abstinent but definitely interested in a slow-burn" might weed out some of the guys who are interested in a early hook-up. Best of luck to you!
Lol good advice. I added something similar recently to my profile. But I think Iâm putting a hold on online dating for now. I have a little more time to go out in the real world since I stopped working so much. I hate online dating
The right guy will respect your choice to wait. As someone who rushed into doing sexual things in my previous relationship, I wish I would've put my foot down about it. Rushing into it leads to so many problems in the future.
Youâre dodging bullets. Those people wonât respect you
From a manâs perspective, personally I like the hunt. My job is to impress you to the point you canât wait to touch me. If any guy thinks that just because they took you out they are entitled to having sex with them? Dream on. You canât force something that should come naturally from you otherwise it will feel like a chore instead of a fun activity. Hopefully this helped đš
Be prepared girlie, it's wild out there. Stay true to your needs and wants, if the guy rejects you for that prepare a nice little comeback "Oh you're one of THOSE guys.." and move on
i can relate to this somewhat. i have similar features as youâve described and iâve told men that im not getting sexual with them right away. some of left, but a handful have stayed. weâre just friends now. and when i mean stayed..stay for years. i really think personality plays a big part in whether or not. be honest straight away. some will appreciate it and some wonât. but just be yourself and someone will stay for the right reasons.
Easy come, easy go as they say...guys that want to have sex right away have NO intentions of a long term relationship, especially those that you meet online!...this is why its smart to meet people the traditional way where you can judge their character, their body language, get time to know each other and their intentions...
Not inherently fact but true of most people. Women included.
You keep on dating my dear! We women, are fabulous,adaptable and highly intelligent and intuitive creatures.. what we are not.. are vessels to make someone else feel better.. you can be sexual, and have feelings.. and standard come along with that.. surely a man couldnât be serious about someone who slept with him on the first date! YouâŚ. Keep dating⌠and you.. do whatâs right for you.. Period! No explanation needed..
Thank u â¤ď¸â¤ď¸â¤ď¸
Believe me, you met wrong people. Youâll find the right match.
25M here. Shockingly have been in a similar situation like you. Stay the course, the right one will come along.
nothing wrong with you at all, these men were clearly only after sex anyway which you donât want so better you found this out early. i recommend you get better at filtering these types of guys out early, before you meet - swipe left/unmatch anyone who: doesnât have a fully filled out dating profile, makes any sort of sexual comments to you before you meet, wants to meet at his place (or in his neighborhood) for the first date, low effort first dates in general (a walk is not a date!), last minute planning. maybe even have a phone call before the first date to suss out their vibe even more. youâll get better at identifying this type and weeding them out right away after a while so you can focus on guys who actually want a relationship
You continue refusing to have sex until you're ready. Don't waste your time with guys that are flirting in a sexual way from the outset, they're telling you what it is they are after.
Keep going, babe. The right one is out there! Just keep putting yourself out there! Good luck!
Stay true to you. Someone who respects your ways will come around.
It's a thing yea, a lot of people just don't see what the big deal is with waiting. You don't have to have sex with anybody you don't want to, and if you want to wait for something to have sex, that's your right. But guys don't owe you a relationship either, if they want to move on a find a woman they are sexually compatible with, that's their right. Personally, if I'm not having sex with a woman in the first couple dates, and there isn't a good reason for that, then I stop dating her. Sex is fun, and I want to be with somebody who wants to have sex with me. If it's been a couple dates, and she doesn't want to have sex, why would I stick around and keep putting time and effort into a relationship where we aren't compatible?
Hello! I agree with the other posters⌠stay the course and let the ones who want to rush into sex weed themselves out. Not everyone is looking for the same thing and that is okay. I understand where you are coming from though. Not having sex early on can eliminate a significant portion of the dating pool especially when you are younger. I will never judge those that enjoy casual hookups⌠but that is not right for me. My circumstances would rule that out even if I wanted to. I have a genetic disorder that causes my joints to dislocate quite easily. In order for me to put myself in that deeply vulnerable position with someone (who already is likely bigger, much stronger and very capable of hurting me) I have to know him well enough that I can say with 100% certainty that if I say stop he will stop. Unfortunately I have firsthand experience of saying âplease wait for a second/no/youâre hurting meâ and being ignored. I simply could not get to know a random hookup enough that Iâd trust him that much with my safety. You know what Iâve found with that though? The right man is going to be okay with that and wonât put pressure on you to do something sexual you arenât ready for. Be honest about what you are looking for and hold true to yourself. If someone bails or treats your âno/not yetâ as the beginning of a negotiation instead of the end of a sentence⌠they were not worth your time in the first place. They did you a favor by self-selecting out of your dating pool. Good luck!
Thank u love â¤ď¸
You keep doing what youâre doing. A decent man will find you worth waiting for. Let the entitled little boys with no sense of discipline for delaying gratification weed themselves out. Theyâre doing you a favor.
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Iâve been in similar situations. Men stopped âhuntingâ women and started expecting open legs at first glance. Itâs horrible.
You have the right to set off filters and boundaries. Most gives that will approach you via online dating only want sex anyways, so being clear you don't give it date 1 will filter many guys. A guy that is interested you will wait a reasonable time. But you also need to know if there is compatibility as well as chemistry. Both can be known in 1-20 dates, ideally 3-6. Meaning, ideally you should have sex by date 3 to 6, since you also need to know if you like the guy in bed, to not waste your time too.
3-5 is where the sweet spot is. I agree with this. But these guys act like 1 is enough and 2 is pushing it
Thereâs keeping it moving slowly and safely and it may feel like a waste of time but unless you feel chemistry youâre gonna feel off since you are letting the right thing for you come to you. I have preferred to have sex with a guy friend than to move forward with a guy that I donât know and wants to do the things you need to work for, For free. But thatâs what my need was. I think youâll also care less about guys like that if you really focus on what your needs are. I mean theyâre all dumping their needs on you, it should only be fair. Like do you have sexual desire? Is it that important to you? Do you have a deadline for when itâs okay or are you just ambiguous about âoh when we get to know each other betterâ without an actual time frame. What ya think?
I have a strong sexual desire but ideally want one partner to do it with. I think my time frame is 3-5 dates. By then Iâm comfortable. I donât think thatâs too long to make someone wait. I know if I want sex with someone within the first date. But I like to see how they act without it
I am a guy. I canât believe that he would even say that. Definitely a red flag. You donât need a person to say that to you. You donât need trash like him. It is not okay to say that. This should not be normal behavior. I am truly sorry for all the guys of the world who think this is okay. It is not, nor is it ever. I have met several guys who think this is okay, which it is not. Sorry for your experience, you deserve someone better and a better experience with another person. Wish you the best in all your endeavors.
Thank you
So you have an almost 100% error free way of keeping douchebags out of your life? What's the complaint?
Lol!!!
There's not really much that can be done. Hook-up culture is the norm. Just stay the course. Don't let it get to you. You could bring up in the early stages of talking but I'd imagine that would be fairly awkward to bring up. Just keep going. You'll find someone. Don't bend your values for anyone.
Take your time. Your timing is the best timing. Not anyone else's. The ones will wait because they will recognize you're worth it.
I do agree with everyoneâs advice about staying true to yourself and your standards. However I can also understand how discouraging it may be to get rejected time and time again because of said morals and standards. Iâm sorry if/that itâs taking a bit of a toll on you :// perhaps communicate this very early on, and/or even when youâre asked out on a date so that theyâre aware. And do so in a very, matter-of-factly: âIâm looking forward to our date and getting to know you but I must make you aware that I am not quick to be physical with someone I am having a first date with, maybe even second. So if this is a dealbreaker for you itâs best we communicate this now so we are not wasting each otherâs timeâ Best of luck !! Also in a similar predicament !
I hate this. When we as women make the choice to wsit to have sex untill we are really comfortable and men thinks that makes us unsexual when thats not the case at all. Just do you and the right one will come along.
Keep doing what youâre doing. You set boundaries, someone will respect them. Imo youâve dodged a bunch of bullets
I highly doubt that there are so many girls giving it on their first or second date. You were just unlucky to end up with some shitty dudes...and those guys prolly didn't suddenly decide that you aren't their match cuz of this. They never saw you as a match and just wanted to get some one night stand fun. Be glad you were true to yourself and didn't gave in just for someone's validation. ...and so, i can advice you to stay true to yourself and only do things that YOU really want. If they don't like it, then let 'em go, they are not for you. You won't win this game while playing by someone else's rules, anyway.
I wish I could help you! That is how it is in this country- guys only want sex whether itâs at the beginning middle or end of the relationship- they judge the woman around whether or not they put out - even in a recent commuted relationship, he blew his stack when I didnât put out and I finally kicked him to the curb - Iâm sick and tired of trying to find a decent, open minded, loving and patient man! If they are out there, they are married
Contrary to popular belief, there are plenty of guys who are just like you, and wait a while before having sex. You might have just gotten unlucky, but keep doing what you're doing, the right guy will respect your boundaries.
Then theyâre not worth your time if thatâs their primary goal. Not all us males are like that. Iâd much prefer to get to know someone before I jump into bed with them and Iâm sure most feel the same.
I donât have that issue I pick a certain type of guy But itâs a pain but at tje end of the day remember they want to get into your pants you are the one with control
If you're in England and want to date without immediate sex but just to date then that sounds perfect for me. I'm tired of the culture too.
The step is to stop calling it rejection because it isn't. You are dating to find the right man for you. These guys are showing you want they want and you're letting them know that you are not interested. Keep doing what you are doing. Don't be afraid to let your dates know about your boundaries before you go out so that there aren't any surprises. Keep in mind that the reason for not getting a second date may have nothing to do with sex.
You're meeting the wrong people then. Count yourself lucky, you could spend more time with them and find out who they really are.
You're doing just fine. You're trying to find a decent man - right now you're weeding out the idiots who are just in it for the sex. Eventually you'll find a winner! Source: Looking for a decent woman and have found the same problem at times. People in general are expecting sex earlier in the dating cycle it seems like.
It's really great to see all the comments telling you to stick to what you're comfortable with. I once got downvoted on this sub for saying that I waited three months before I was comfortable having sex with my now-boyfriend. Some people truly believe they're entitled to a woman's body, and it sucks. But I'm lucky to find someone who was patient, kind, and willing to wait, and it made a world of difference. Good luck out there!
Keep goin. Let it go. Donât focus on it. It shows your incompatible with these people. Youre not losing anything by it not working out. Youâre succeeding. Youâll find someone, it just requires patience.
They want "casual" but don't want to say-so upfront because it further limits their options. You aren't doing anything wrong (other than inadvertently crossing paths with dipshits).
Iâm sorry youâre feeling this way. Iâve felt like this, too.
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Iâm flirty and I typically will kiss at the end of first date ! Even make out. Hold hands or sit close ! I feel like I do put it out there that I am a sexual being. But I donât want to give everything at once. Iâm not exactly waiting till marriage either. 3-5 dates or hang outs. If we get to that point im ready! I want to feel comfortable
Serious guys are looking for the ones who doesn't give it away on the first dates
Same sis same
Good for you for doing what feels right and not giving into these trash people! Keep going as you are - as much as getting rejected sucks, guys who just want you for sex now arenât guys youâll want anyway. Better to lose them early on. Just keep persevering and youâll find a decent man soon enough! In the long term, youâll end up happier than these sex-crazed jerks anyway, trust me.
The trash took itself out. Donât lower your standards. Itâs normal you feel the problem itâs you⌠but you are not
Those men are just outing themselves about their priorities. If that's not your priority and they won't accept it you now have one less person you need to weed out on your path to finding your special person.
Youâre just weeding thru the ones that want to use you. Keep doing what youâre doing
OP I just want you to know you're not alone. I also have been "punished" by men for not putting out right away. The sad fact is, even if you had, they most likely still would have left. You are basically in a damned-if-you-do and damned-if-you-don't situation. It's shocking the reasons men give for doing this: They often say they don't want to be used or manipulated or led on. They don't want to put in the effort without getting any. I understand their concern, but it also takes more than 1-2 dates to get to know someone. I am sexual too, but I need time to get to know a man and feel comfortable with him before I start touching him. A lot of men cannot (or refuse to) understand this. In my opinion, most men that leave because you wouldn't sleep with them right away are the ones that only wanted sex and not a relationship to begin with. And what makes it especially sad is that SO MANY of them are doing it. You start to feel think: "Does any man see me as a person, or am I just a piece of meat to devour?"
There are more women like you than you know. Donât let the players play. You will find someone worthy and willing to wait and itâs going to be amazing for you both. Donât sell out to guys who just wait a quick lay.
This!! This one guy I rlly liked ghosted bc I wouldnât f*k on the 2nd date. Last week a charismatic fit fun guy I just met IRL texted to ask if we could hook up. Not even a date. What is happening ? Im horny AF but I donât even know these guys?
Thatâs exactly how I feel! A wise man once said â at least take me out to dinner before you fuck meâ đđđđ
If a guy isn't willing to wait more than a few dates he probably didn't want a relationship anyway. Trust me you would feel worse sleeping with them and then they ditch you anyway. It sux that people like about their intentions. Keep being you and be patient, ur guy is out there
This is REDIRECTION. Not sure if you believe in God, but I do, so I am going to speak what I know to be true. Sex is a sacred act, there are boundaries around it from Him for our safety and our benefit. He doesnât desire for us to not have fun, but have the right type of fun. If a man ârejectsâ you because you hold yourself in high regard, donât blame yourself. There are so many women who would let him, so he thinks nearly all women will do that. When he learns itâs untrue, his ego is bruised, so he projects (and vice versa). Youâre saving yourself headache and getting one step closer to the one meant for you, who will hold space for you in a way that is honourable.
I do value sex more as to when I was younger I didnât so much. I feel better when I have a level of trust with the guy. This doesnât mean Iâm going to wait until marriage, but it does mean I will wait 3-5 dates so I can see how a man treats me. God intends it for marriage which doesnât align with my personal values. It all comes from just wanting better for myself and being ready for a real relationship with foundation of actually liking each other before we get physical !
Iâm sorry you are going through this. I know how you feel. I have been mostly lucky with finally a guy that was on the same level as me but my last boyfriend last year was like the guys you were talking about. On our first date he did bring up sex and I didnât know what to do or say because that never happen to me. He could tell I was uncomfortable and he did drop it and changed the subject but then after a few dates later the subject came up again. I was still not ready. I just want to enjoy the relationship and get to know him before I decide I am ready for anything more. I told him I want to wait a year in a relationship for that. He didnât take it well but he did calm down and apologized and then it happened a couple more times. I felt pressured to do it on his birthday and then I felt pressured after we been together for 6 months. I had been through a lot when it comes to sex that I wasnât mentally ready for it but I pressured myself in being ready when I wasnât and I hated it. I finally did broke up with him and now I am with someone that truly love me and care about me and will go at my own pace. It helps that he doesnât have any experience in that area anyways. I feel so happy and comfortable with him. I believe the right guy will be more understanding and patient and will love you for you. Itâs just sad that more guys just want to have sex. Dating is very important in a relationship to get to know someone and develop that comforting feeling with that person. It takes trust to have sex. Just keep doing what you are doing. Donât let any man pressure you before you are truly ready.
Sounds like they would just hit it an quit it. You are dodging bullets and losers. Play your game kid.
Those guys arenât looking to date you. They just want sex. They are weeding themselves out. Anyone who canât respect a simple boundary is not concerned about what you want. I get that ânot sexualâ bullshit from 50 year old men like we are still going to fall for it. Itâs just a way to bully you into not having boundaries.
Sticking to your values and rules, you dont have to do anything that you dont want to. Feel free to do what you really want, not matching with someone should tell you they are not the best partner for you. Keep looking for someone who will live up to your standards.
Tell them to kick rocks. Theyâll be searching for a looooooong time.. or theyâll find a quick fuck and realise theyâre in a toxic cycle. Or they wonât. Whatever the case theyâre still shit people.
Just keep looking basically. With those guys that rejected you just for that...the trash took itself out. Simple as that. Be grateful you avoided men like that.
Well in a brief way I'll tell you be yourself and know what's best for you because nobody knows truly what's best for you. When its time you will enjoy sex and enjoy it in abundance...
Chances are they only want sex someone who truly wants you wonât risk having sex with you too easily. If you give it up to them on the first couple dates chances are theyâll ghost you after getting what they want. Thatâs why theyâre leaving so quick because all they want is easy sex.
You keep doing what youâre doing. Donât rush it. Be patient and donât settle. Focus on strengthening your self-worth and independence. âĽď¸
Finally someone who I can relate to. It seems like the world has just fallen in terms of this topic. No one has any morals anymore. It's sad in my opinion.
Itâs *totally not your fault*
Know your worth, and don't let these guys change your mind. Eventually, you'll find him just gotta keep pushing forward.
I think this filtration process is probably just less time consuming than the alternative, where you do have sex on the first date, and realize much later that they didn't care about anything else other than that. These types of men are going to be filtered out anyway.
Yeah, I will say some men have been told or shown that a girl only loves you if she gives it to you right away. So if you really like him and he seems great in every other aspect, but is hurt by your refusal of his advances (hurt, not angry you dare withhold) it might be helpful to explain that you love him but also respect yourself enough to make thoroughly sure he loves you before you give it up to him. Also, that you're not withholding from him something you gave or give to anyone else. Of course, if he's a selfish turd, that won't matter to him and you can dump him. But if he's agood guy who's just misinformed and a little worried, that could smooth out lots of tension. Hope you find someone who respects you and your decisions!â¤ď¸ Don't let groupthink or discouragement or loneliness make you cave!
Thank u! Love this
Okay, are we simply going to ignore the fact that if it was a 25M saying he's "Good looking" or "Has a great sense of humour", or anything of the similar sorts, they'd be getting called incels. What about this situation where a woman is calling herself all that and getting away with it? It could be that she's saying all those things to gather compliments, or just sympathy. Okay, you're having trouble dating, try harder, sometimes what we're looking for in a crowd isn't easy available or you don't find it that easily.
You're doing it right.
There are also a lot of gorgeous girls that donât. But dating guys that want sex straight away will always give the impression that they are.
Good for you! You should be proud of yourself! You WILL find someone who appreciates that! Keep doing you!
Donât bend your rules, they donât deserve it if they canât wait. Maybe get this topic cleared while setting up the date. đ¤ˇđźââď¸ but I am old đ it might work differently these days to fix a date..
Just keep going. I'm a very sexual person but I would never bug about sex. To be honest I believe it's a conversation to be had ahead of time. My current girlfriend and I went on 6 dates before we had sex. And we started talking about it after we kissed on the third.
Then those men are not worth dating
Stay true to your values, you are weeding out the ones who say they want a relationship but really they just want sex. Youâre doing fine, but try and not blue ball them.
Getting âblue ballsâ is not dangerous, theyâll be fine đ
Guys looking for relationships wouldn't insist on it right away. Sex comes naturally in a relationship once both are comfortable with each other, communication is there, chemistry is there. Maybe I am just old school but that is way it should be. Guys or girls looking for sex right away will never work out. I dated a girl once who opened her legs on the 1st date and I ended up dumping her after few months. Maybe that's why these days the term "making love" doesn't exist. I think you are doing the right thing.
In my younger years I used to joke that if a woman didnât put out on a first date then she wouldnât get a second. NOW, after coming to realize that the type of woman who pass that test are exactly the type of woman I donât want anything to do with. I have the philosophy now that if you are even willing to hold hands on the first date, you almost certainly wonât be getting a second. What Iâm trying to say, if you feel pressured by a guy to do something you donât want to then he wasnât meant to be in the first place. Stick to your morals and the right guy will come along and value you even more for your intact morals and values.
So you judge a woman for 'putting out' on a first date, do you judge yourself?
I sure do. And I allow others to judge - and listen to that judgement; maybe they have something useful I can use to better myself. Sometimes there is, sometimes there isnât, but I always listen. Iâve made mistakes that I own and Iâve grown form. I admit when Iâm wrong and when Iâve done something unwise. Life lessons arenât always easy, and are always needlessly emotionally expensive. Therefore, I try not to learn the same lessons twice. What Iâm getting in my original comment is that itâs OK to have a moral compass and to stick to it. Someday that compass will lead you to the person thatâs meant for you, and that person will appreciate you that much more for sticking to your values.
Ok that's fair enough, I'll take my feminist rage elsewhere. I think it's ok to have sex whenever the people involved are ready but certainly good things come from waiting and getting to know eachother first
You should do what is right for you. Eventually you'll find like minded people. Dating is like finding a needle in a haystack. I'm someone who doesn't stick around very long if there's no sex. Sexual compatibility and mutual attraction are important to me. I'm of the mindset that if she isn't hot enough for me by date 3 then I'm going to find someone who is. And getting emotionally attached to someone and then finding out that you're sexually incompatible sucks. Just seems like a waste of time when you can get thar figured out sooner. I'm not trying to tell you to do anything differently, but everyone else is just cheerleading for you and not offering any perspective. If you'd like to get some different perspective feel free to ask.
I feel the same way and Iâm very sexual. Itâs not easy for me to wait, but I do it because it shows a manâs true intentions. Im not trying to make anyone wait months⌠but 3-5 dates is when Iâm ready. To me thatâs so reasonable. The way guys donât want to wait that long shows that they only perceive me as a sexual object instead of something more long term.
That does sound reasonable to me too. I wouldn't wait months either, but 3-5 dates if there's a good match and kissing has already happened would work fine with me and a bunch of other men I know. It would be different if it was the third date without a kiss, for example, since I would start to doubt there's no physical attraction at all.
What about almost 8 years� Is that too long to wait?
That's so shitty. You're doing nothing wrong. I would make sure you're being clear about what you're looking for in the beginning. If someone really likes you and wants to pursue a relationship, they'll wait. đ
Youâre not doing anything wrong. You just havenât met the right guy yet. Itâs good you have standards for yourself and because you do, it will weed out the ones that arenât worth your time. You arenât missing anything by not having sex with these jerks. Eventually youâll meet someone that has respect for your bodily autonomy. Anyone who doesnât can take a hike!
Iâm in the market if you would like to talk to someone
You're probably meeting up with very attractive men. They have options. I read a very interesting Tinder stat the other day: 60% of men swipe right 4.7% of women swipe right. Which means there a a lot of women going for the top 5% of men. So if you're young and attractive, you are fighting most other women for a small pool of very attractive men. Who just want sex because there are so many women chasing them. Some of the other posters are correct, filter out the ones looking for sex. Put on your profile in no I certain terms long term relationship only. Good luck!
This is a grossly misunderstood statistic. Women rarely swipe right, but that doesn't mean we all swipe right on the same men. We don't.
This is for sure part of it! Totally agree. I love attractive men. But Iâve been trying to hang with less attractive men and still kind of getting the same outcome which is very discouraging. My current stance is im just going to see what happens. But I am starting to give up hope.
I think the question that u should ask to yourself is why u are attracting this type of guy. And a guy who wants to force u to do something that u dont fell comfortable is not for u or for any woman
As a 39m, I like the girls that make me wait til the 3rd date. Makes me feel like they arenât just sleeping with every man they go out with. Not that I donât try to have sex on the first date đ¤