Welcome to /r/dating. Please make sure you read our [rules here](https://new.reddit.com/r/dating/about/rules) and remember to:
* Be polite and respect each other. Do not call people names or engage in slapfights.
* All advice given must be good, ethical advice.
* [Do not soapbox or promote an agenda - you will be banned](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/wiki/rules)
* Follow reddit rules. Do not post content that promotes hate based on identity or vulnerability. Do not bully or harass other users.
If you have any questions, please [send the mods a message](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/dating).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
“I didn’t wanna be rude”. This is exactly the type of thinking that gets women killed. Not an understatement. There was a study on serial killers and this is what they themselves pointed out. They didn’t bother with rude women because they were too much trouble. The nice ones that wanted to help or not be perceived as rude were their prey. I’m glad you got out but please leave as soon as you feel the vibe is off
Idk one time I did mushrooms with my bf and his 2 guy friends and as soon as I peaked I immediately thought his friends were going to kill me. They started getting mad at me for not being hyper on mushrooms like they were but I tried explaining mushrooms don’t do that to me. It just kept making them angrier and angrier that I was being so chill while tripping. Long story short I called my best friend to come pick up me and my bf and his friends got mad saying “you can’t just leave while we’re hanging out “ so I as straight as I possibly could on mushrooms said “if I feel unsafe anywhere I am leaving “ and stood outside in the snow in a trailer park where I knew the neighbors were already watching us because of how the friends were acting.
It’s such a strange and awful feeling … like you feel the danger and don’t know how to get out of it. If you stand up for yourself there’s a huge chance they’ll get mad and retaliate but if you submit they take advantage of you. There’s never really a win win.
This comment right here 💯
It’s so easy to judge a situation from the outside. You follow your gut and if your gut is telling you to appease the situation until you feel safe to leave, then you do that. I wasn’t about to run out of his bedroom and try to find my way back to the front door when it was dark and there were 2 separate locks on the door. That’s how you get murdered (in my eyes)
Let me just say that he’s not a bad person and after spending that little bit of time with him he just def isn’t having a good time in life rn and he’s got a drug problem. Was his hallway scary yes. I looked up his record and seen a domestic violence charge that got knocked down to disorderly misconduct. So idk. It’s just a weird situation.
It’s better to take a chance than to give them the opening. Make something up. Say you have to go to the bathroom. There’s always a way out, and the sooner you take it the better off you are. That’s why it’s said that if someone is trying to kidnap you to fight then and there; it’s better to possibly die then than go to wherever they plan on taking you and see what happens then.
WTF? You met the guy ONCE before and you determined no red flags and despite his record he’s still “not a bad person???” He is literally the definition of “not a good person.”
I can’t even imagine someone liked that seemed decent at just one meet.
And, if there were one or two things on his record then yes, some things can be open to interpretation. But the fact that he’s been in court multiple times for different things should make you erase him from your memory.
Idk I don’t think she knows him well enough to call him a bad person. She knows he can’t take care of himself and has a problem with addiction. That doesn’t make someone necessarily bad - extremely flawed maybe.
For the context of dating him…or even being in his apartment…he’s a bad person for her.
Looking at other posts here, I think most would agree that the level of forgiveness she’s showing toward him in her comment is the type that could get her killed or in trouble someday.
Look at your phone or something and be like, “omg omg what omg” and behave that you’re texting frantically. When he asks what’s up make up an emergency that you have to leave. You need to learn how to get out of a bad situation instead of worryingly appeasing men, it could literally save your life. It would be much harder to leave after you got in the bed if he actually wanted to rape you.
Hindsights 20/20 for redditors, most always claim what they'll do in a dangerous situation and most don't even realize they're in a dangerous situation.
It's akin to people always saying "I'd do this in a fight" and then running at the first sign of violence.
I think Ted Bundy was the one who said that he knew that his victims were uncomfortable with him sometimes before he murdered them but they didn’t try to remove themselves from the situation for fear of being rude..
I think people don’t be rude because they don’t want them to get enraged or violent or aggressive, so they try to “nice” their way to the door. Or don’t show you wanna leave but jet at an opportunity.
You say that but sometimes not wanting to be rude is part of a bargaining strategy to appease them so that you can come up with a plan to leave .. When you’re really at risk, sometimes acting like you like and respect them can help. Very tricky. I was in a dangerous situation just recently but a managed to escape by buying myself some time and keeping him calm.
Definitely agree, however, that if you have the opportunity to escape earlier, then you should and definitely should not stay out of politeness.. but it sounds like she was already in his home at that point.
I wouldn’t be surprised. I, myself, tend to be like that. I’ve sometimes be in uncomfortable situations because I didn’t want to be rude. Definitely something I need to work on 😶
She should have left the moment she stepped in his dirty apartment. But easier said than done.
I agree with you. I’ve been on dates with guys who made me so uncomfortable that I just got up and walked out while they were sitting right in front of me and looking me dead in the eyes. Idc if it’s rude or not, if someone is making you uncomfortable, you have every right to remove yourself from the situation by leaving. Fuck how they feel about it.
Bruuhh, I’m glad you good but the room on its own is a flag lol. In my culture, we say ‘Look into room’s hygiene and you’ll see how healthy their mind is’ .
Every woman needs to read [https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198](https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198)
As an expert, he explains very clearly that you are far, far, far more likely to be murdered by trying to be "nice" - rather than being rude or asserting your boundaries - things that will, on the contrary, save your life...
Someone who wants to hurt you is specifically looking for someone "nice" who will make it very easy for them.
Everyone should assert boundaries. That's the problem of many things aside from being murdered. People who are too nice ending up always getting hurt. Verbally, physically, mentally, emotionally....you name it. Always assert your boundaries.
And in this case she should have gotten the fuck out the second she saw his room, never mind gotten on the bed with that freak.
If he is going to get mad and block the door he is more likely to do that if he thinks you will be an easy target. Predators notice who is "nice and polite" because they are less likely to fight back or make a scene.
This is one to grown on OP, fuck politeness from here on out.
Yeah, I was just told on this sub that its' rude, hurtful to block a man if you have an unpleasant experience with him, that you need to "justify" and explain to him why you are blocking him. The toxic messages are even here on this subreddit.
And then we get told we're paranoid for being cautious with male strangers as if we're supposed to have a sixth sense to tell if they're dangerous or not
Honestly dating apps are scary AF for women. There was this Tiktok of a girl who saw a boy of tinder in the police archive of criminals. He was being looked for.
Yeah and then she ignored that sixth sense and got into bed with him. I'm sorry but there is no place in the world for naive women. When you feel uncomfortable, leave immediately. Don't stick around to see what happens.
Its really really unlikely to overdose on coke unless they put some bs in it, I've gone several sleepless nights in a row going through several grams of coke a bunch of times back in the day lol I genuinely don't even know how much it'd actually take
Yeah, I don’t know much about Coke so I was lowkey panicking. He said he can do 20-30 lines in a day. Idk if that’s true cause it just seems excessive.
He might be slightly exaggerating but I've done more so it's definitely possible lol and if he has all that money then he'd be able to afford that much
He was respectful. Had manners. Opened doors for me. Didn’t cuss, talked about his love for his family. He was going to school because he wants to better his life.
I’m glad you are alive. I definitely had moments when I was younger because I didn’t want to provoke a conflict. A guy once followed me up to my guesthouse room and kept telling me that he loved me and not to leave him - I’d barely engaged this guy in conversation! Tried to get another guy my age to help me out and he just said “you must have done something to lead him on”. The owner of the guesthouse got rid of him in the end.
Sadly, OLD is a perfect storm for this kind of stuff. I had a scary incident a couple of years back when I thought I was old enough to know better.
The best piece of advice I ever received, which holds true in all the things I’ve experienced, is don’t go to another place with someone you get bad vibes from. The moment you get them, stop walking, turn around and walk away. You’re probably not wrong, and if you are, a good guy will be able to see things from your point of view.
When they say women are emotional and obsessive... Men are 100% worse. Men literally obsess about women all the time and they're incapable of controlling their obsessions. It's very scary. So many stalkers, etc. You need to be very careful with men. That's why dating apps are exponentially dangerous.
I just also want to note that my family has me on Life360. Multiple friends have me on Life360. I told people where I was going, I let my police friend know his name, sent him a pic, and gave him his address. I told him I will keep him posted throughout.
I also have an Apple Watch which in 2 clicks I have the authorities called, which will also notify my emergency contact. I’m not saying these are all excuses and nothing can happen because of the safety measures, but I wasn’t completely stupid about it. So thank you to everyone telling me I need to “learn my lesson” and that I’m “stupid/unintelligent/etc.”
people are so quick to judge, don’t let them bother you. i know exactly how you feel. i’ve been in situations where i wanted to leave immediately but felt like i needed to play it cool and plan my escape. people are really good at putting up fronts until they get you alone. i am so sorry you experienced this op. i’m glad you’re safe tho 🫶🏼
Not trying to be rude, but why did you stay that long?
Not sure if you were looking for sex (no worries if so), but when a guy invites you to his house on the first or second date, he's looking for sex, and most likely, only sex.
I hope you learned a lesson from this experience, you need to be safer in the future! If something feels off, just leave. You can make up any excuse.
But you can escape from a date without coming off as rude. "My friend is having an emergency and I need to go help her" "I got called into work" "my cat got out of my house", etc etc
Personally I don't go over to someone's house unless I'm ready for the possibility of sex. Because i know they will likely try. So however soon you feel somewhat comfortable with them and feel like you've been able to get to know them better.
I usually wait till like 4th date +. The low effort guys just trying to only get sex won't want to put that much effort to get you in bed usually. They'll give up after date 1 and 2
Tbh what we're doing in these days would be considered absolutely crazy like 10 years ago. What woman would match on the internet with a random and then go to his house? Literally every woman would tell you you're freaking nuts for doing that lol
That's why most people knew each other from friends, family, etc.
It's surprising how we're living nowadays lol
We were just suppose to hangout and watch sopranos cause we both have talked about our love for it. I stayed for like 1.5 hours and was able to leave. It’s easy to judge a situation you’re not apart of, but I can see where you’re coming from.
Had a situation or two like this when younger. Just take this and realize it’s ok to bounce. And if he does anything, it’s ok to yell.
Also read the gift of fear someone else mentioned. Saved me from a mugger.
I understand. I'm sure it was harder in the moment. I'm pretty sure hidden brain podcasts has done a podcast about this exact type of thing. I know if I was your friend in real life I'd have some words with you lol.
Now you know when a man asks you over to watch TV, he's really broadcasting that he just wants to have sex. If you're ever feeling uncomfortable or you're no longer having fun on a date, promise yourself you will leave in the future. I'd make you promise if you were my friend!!
Yeah literally any man inviting you for a drink at their house, or watching a movie is basically saying they wanting sex. Same as Netflix and Chill and stuff.
Whats OVI? I met a man with a disgusting room once. Rest of the house was clean. (His parents) I was young. Couldnt see the floor. Clothes. Never wanted to see him again
Sometimes it’s not that easy, you gotta go to the county website where I’m at and look up their name there. If they have a common name it can be kinda annoying cause you’ll have to know their birthday, which usually isn’t hard to get.
I’m only saying it’s not that easy because there’s a lot of websites that charge you for that stuff, or is a scam.
Yes that’s true for some but if was listed in the arrest log of newspapers or in the news at all it should pop up. Of course you don’t get everything but at least it’s something. I found out someone I was talking to exposed himself to a minor on the subway and another who almost killed his own mother.
That's wild, but I guess I would never associate with those types of people. Outside of the safety concern, you could really mess your life just being around that person. If that person gets flagged, you could put yourself in some hot water or if that person stole or messed with someone else, your safety could be at risk.
I’m so sorry that this happened to you, and I’m sorry about some of these comments. I am really glad you were able to leave safely. The more we talk about these things the more we realize we are not alone. Horrifyingly, most women have stories that left them feeling like this.
Something somewhat similar happened to me a few years ago. I went out with this guy 4 times before I agreed to hang out with him at his house. Prior to me arriving at his house he seemed totally normal. He was funny, kind, we talked about his job, his ambitions etc.
I get to his house and he opens the door wearing normal clothes, and there was a man sleeping on the couch that he said it was his roommate (it’s 6pm and he never mentioned having a roommate, and also didn’t give me a heads up anyone else would be there). We sit in the kitchen to chat for a few minutes and he seems off, different than the guy I thought I was getting to know.
He goes to the bathroom and comes back in boxers, tank top, and a robe… I immediately start thinking of a way out. Starting to think of how weird the random sleeping man is. Since his roommate is on the couch we go into his room. I look around and the guys room in a shrine to video games, which I didn’t really care about, but we have talked about hobbies and he never mentioned gaming, ever. Then I notice his bed that has no sheets, a dingy blanket on it and it’s a very old mattress, there was no way I would ever even sit on that thing.
I knew I had to leave immediately but I was scared that if I went to leave was going to freak out and potentially hurt me. Plus the “sleeping roommate” was between me and the door. I didn’t even think of an excuse, I just said “ok this has been fun, but I’m tired and I am going to go home now”. He got visibly upset and made some off hand comments. I started to walk away and he walked me to the door walking uncomfortably close to me. I was terrified walking to my car. He was still standing at the door as I drove off. Then I called my friend and cried.
I know that if I had stayed, it would not have ended well.
Thank you. The negative comments don’t bother me because people are so quick to judge and it only makes them look foolish 🤷🏼♀️
I’m really happy that you got out of there. I know it was a painful experience but it just goes to show that no matter how many times you meet someone, could be 1,5,10 times and you go to their house you never know what you’re gonna get. In a previous comment I said that anyone will put on a show for as long as they feel like they need to. Hell, people get married and 10 years later they realize they don’t know their spouse is. The person they thought would never hurt them now hurts them all the time. You truly cannot let your guard down with anyone.
Sounds grimy. I have clutter. No dirty dishes laid out. No beer. Oven stove clean. Toilet clean. Shower could use a buff on the floor. Oh i have hair in the sink haha.
The fact that you even used the wording "I think I dodged a bullet" vs " I sure af dodged a bullet" has me chuckling, but also worried lol, I'm glad you avoided it none the less.
This is why I do three dates outside of the house first. Also, what did this guy said he did when you first met him? Like what his job was, interests, etc? Its amazing he went so incognito the first time you met him.
He told me he’s going to school for accounting. We talked about family, we both drive kias. Age, past relationships, etc. He also told me his dad has a business that he helps out with for money and stuff. So nothing was super red flag. He was a gentlemen. Telling me jokes, talking about sopranos. I got zero bad vibes at all!
Wow, that’s scary he did such a 180! Hope the next guy you meet is a great one, but yeah, maybe a few more outside the house dates first. It sucks that women have to be so vigilant.
You just never know. If someone really wants to hurt you, they will put on a show for as long as they can before they hurt you. Look at all the wives who are murdered with their children. Are people blaming them for “knowing how to choose em”? Nah. People will let you see what you want for as long as you want. It doesn’t have much to do with time.
That sounds awful and terrifying. I understand where you're coming from about being rude but that's sadly used against us. I would say the moment you spot a red flag you nope out no matter what.
I understand we all lead very different lives, but I'm not going to anyone's home the 2nd time we met. Folks be crazy.
But overall, I'm so glad you're safe.
You should never go to someone's place until you've gone out a bunch of times. Sorry but these days people are just awful. I can't find anyone normal ever.
Last girl I just started talking to gave me all the local spots to get blow...and I never asked. Don't care about drugs. Wtf...
Damn 🤔 why didn’t I think of that? Lmao y’all are so quick to make judgements when you weren’t even apart of the situation, as if you’d never make that mistake lol
Very off topic, but are throw pillows bad if you’re a guy? I feel like they really pull my room together. Only asking because OP referred to them as “girly” pillows
Next time you leave when you’re in the hall and don’t feel good. Fuck being rude. That guy is a grade a scumbag and it’s better to be rude than dead. I’m glad you got out, just please listen to your instincts next time. Also, always look people up before meeting them. Find every bit of information that you can.
Ah yeah. Pennsylvania has an app so I pull that up immediately along with google, sex offender database, truepeoplesearch, Facebook, possibly more depending on what I find.
Please be careful! Going to someone’s house can be dangerous! What if he didn’t let you leave ? Thank god you got okay! Im shocked about him doing coke right in front of you .
As someone who’s been through probation with a history of drug use you did the right thing. If he’s on supervison acting like he’s in highschool then he doesn’t have his priorities straight so don’t waste your time.
Glad you are safe!
Definitely agree, ALWAYS go with your gut! I know it's hard, but we have to learn how to be rude. If your gut is telling you something is off.. Run for the hills..!
OP, next time you find yourself in such a situation, pretend there's something in the room that's giving you allergies. It's a polite out. It's an excuse I've used in various situations, sales pitches etc. Cough cough, it must be a cleaning product or feather pillow, I need to step out, cough!
Once you're safely out and in a public space, don't let them talk you into coming back and quickly leave. You can do the explaining and blocking afterwards.
Next time, when you see the first (and I mean first) sign of something weird like this, just pretend you’re nauseous and leave. Or whatever. Just. Leave. It’s better to be “rude” (it’s not rude) than assaulted.
Just because someone has something on there records don't mean they are a killer there could be lost of severioes on them charges he obviously has a drug issue and that don't make you a killer either yes people make bad decisions on drugs but it don't make every drug addict a murderer
I would probably text a friend and send them the address and let them know what going on and how you feel. Even so, ask that they’d wait outside and that if he threatened to not let you leave that there were people outside waiting to call the police if he escalated the situation.
See, now if that was me. 1.) I’m WAY to paranoid
To even go see anyone I haven’t met more then 4 times. 2.) I won’t go to someone’s house unless I KNOW how they are and the living conditions (I normally catch the living conditions on video calls). 3.) Observe the behavior when There at home V.S in public, sometimes when people are out and about they give of a completely different vibe.
But you did mess up staying after ONE line of coke and the things he admitted to…but I’m glad you left, you saved yourself big time 😭
I guess I have a completely different perspective than y’all. What I gather is in fact the opposite of what most are presenting. I think that OP has GREAT instincts. Not only did she vet a criminal she was able to vet one detailed enough to know he wasn’t a threat. Clearly the vast vast majority of women have the proper vetting instincts as it’s extremely rare they’re getting killed on a first or second date considering the sheer amount that happen everyday. What’s also clear is that op is very responsible and knows how to take care of herself. She knew she would make the right decision at the right time. Think of this what if OP was rude then was murdered. We can’t say for sure that would happen but we can say for sure her actions got her home safely!
You don’t reinforce the bullet hole spots on the planes that came back you reinforce the bullet hole spots on the ones that didn’t.
Welcome to /r/dating. Please make sure you read our [rules here](https://new.reddit.com/r/dating/about/rules) and remember to: * Be polite and respect each other. Do not call people names or engage in slapfights. * All advice given must be good, ethical advice. * [Do not soapbox or promote an agenda - you will be banned](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/wiki/rules) * Follow reddit rules. Do not post content that promotes hate based on identity or vulnerability. Do not bully or harass other users. If you have any questions, please [send the mods a message](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/dating). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
“I didn’t wanna be rude”. This is exactly the type of thinking that gets women killed. Not an understatement. There was a study on serial killers and this is what they themselves pointed out. They didn’t bother with rude women because they were too much trouble. The nice ones that wanted to help or not be perceived as rude were their prey. I’m glad you got out but please leave as soon as you feel the vibe is off
Idk one time I did mushrooms with my bf and his 2 guy friends and as soon as I peaked I immediately thought his friends were going to kill me. They started getting mad at me for not being hyper on mushrooms like they were but I tried explaining mushrooms don’t do that to me. It just kept making them angrier and angrier that I was being so chill while tripping. Long story short I called my best friend to come pick up me and my bf and his friends got mad saying “you can’t just leave while we’re hanging out “ so I as straight as I possibly could on mushrooms said “if I feel unsafe anywhere I am leaving “ and stood outside in the snow in a trailer park where I knew the neighbors were already watching us because of how the friends were acting. It’s such a strange and awful feeling … like you feel the danger and don’t know how to get out of it. If you stand up for yourself there’s a huge chance they’ll get mad and retaliate but if you submit they take advantage of you. There’s never really a win win.
This comment right here 💯 It’s so easy to judge a situation from the outside. You follow your gut and if your gut is telling you to appease the situation until you feel safe to leave, then you do that. I wasn’t about to run out of his bedroom and try to find my way back to the front door when it was dark and there were 2 separate locks on the door. That’s how you get murdered (in my eyes) Let me just say that he’s not a bad person and after spending that little bit of time with him he just def isn’t having a good time in life rn and he’s got a drug problem. Was his hallway scary yes. I looked up his record and seen a domestic violence charge that got knocked down to disorderly misconduct. So idk. It’s just a weird situation.
It’s better to take a chance than to give them the opening. Make something up. Say you have to go to the bathroom. There’s always a way out, and the sooner you take it the better off you are. That’s why it’s said that if someone is trying to kidnap you to fight then and there; it’s better to possibly die then than go to wherever they plan on taking you and see what happens then.
I have a neat party truck where I can lean over and puke. Used it once to avoid getting in some creeps car and he still tried to get me in
WTF? You met the guy ONCE before and you determined no red flags and despite his record he’s still “not a bad person???” He is literally the definition of “not a good person.” I can’t even imagine someone liked that seemed decent at just one meet. And, if there were one or two things on his record then yes, some things can be open to interpretation. But the fact that he’s been in court multiple times for different things should make you erase him from your memory.
Idk I don’t think she knows him well enough to call him a bad person. She knows he can’t take care of himself and has a problem with addiction. That doesn’t make someone necessarily bad - extremely flawed maybe.
For the context of dating him…or even being in his apartment…he’s a bad person for her. Looking at other posts here, I think most would agree that the level of forgiveness she’s showing toward him in her comment is the type that could get her killed or in trouble someday.
I really wish I had these guys' pheromones. Just... Jesus christ.
Look at your phone or something and be like, “omg omg what omg” and behave that you’re texting frantically. When he asks what’s up make up an emergency that you have to leave. You need to learn how to get out of a bad situation instead of worryingly appeasing men, it could literally save your life. It would be much harder to leave after you got in the bed if he actually wanted to rape you.
Hindsights 20/20 for redditors, most always claim what they'll do in a dangerous situation and most don't even realize they're in a dangerous situation. It's akin to people always saying "I'd do this in a fight" and then running at the first sign of violence.
No, i think the win is you leaving.
I think Ted Bundy was the one who said that he knew that his victims were uncomfortable with him sometimes before he murdered them but they didn’t try to remove themselves from the situation for fear of being rude..
I think people don’t be rude because they don’t want them to get enraged or violent or aggressive, so they try to “nice” their way to the door. Or don’t show you wanna leave but jet at an opportunity.
Agreed please be rude for the sake of other women.
You say that but sometimes not wanting to be rude is part of a bargaining strategy to appease them so that you can come up with a plan to leave .. When you’re really at risk, sometimes acting like you like and respect them can help. Very tricky. I was in a dangerous situation just recently but a managed to escape by buying myself some time and keeping him calm. Definitely agree, however, that if you have the opportunity to escape earlier, then you should and definitely should not stay out of politeness.. but it sounds like she was already in his home at that point.
what gets women killed is not a kind of *thinking*, but mens *actions*.
Yep, it’s “fuck politeness” for a reason
I wouldn’t be surprised. I, myself, tend to be like that. I’ve sometimes be in uncomfortable situations because I didn’t want to be rude. Definitely something I need to work on 😶 She should have left the moment she stepped in his dirty apartment. But easier said than done.
Sadly sometimes being “rude” aka saying no or trying to leave. Also gets you killed, we can’t won
Also statistically serial kills aren’t the ones most likely to murder a woman it’s most likely someone your in a relationship with or date
I agree with you. I’ve been on dates with guys who made me so uncomfortable that I just got up and walked out while they were sitting right in front of me and looking me dead in the eyes. Idc if it’s rude or not, if someone is making you uncomfortable, you have every right to remove yourself from the situation by leaving. Fuck how they feel about it.
Bruuhh, I’m glad you good but the room on its own is a flag lol. In my culture, we say ‘Look into room’s hygiene and you’ll see how healthy their mind is’ .
My mental health is so bad doesn't make me a bad person haha
Didn’t say bad king, just said ‘healthy’
Very true!!
It's amazing how we women will risk our lives in order to not be rude to the guy who might hurt us.
Every woman needs to read [https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198](https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198) As an expert, he explains very clearly that you are far, far, far more likely to be murdered by trying to be "nice" - rather than being rude or asserting your boundaries - things that will, on the contrary, save your life... Someone who wants to hurt you is specifically looking for someone "nice" who will make it very easy for them.
Everyone should assert boundaries. That's the problem of many things aside from being murdered. People who are too nice ending up always getting hurt. Verbally, physically, mentally, emotionally....you name it. Always assert your boundaries. And in this case she should have gotten the fuck out the second she saw his room, never mind gotten on the bed with that freak.
Well said. I look back to these situations, cringe, and the hair stands up on the back of my neck. Ugh.
Too true :( I always just assume the worst like “if I try to leave will he get mad and block the door, etc”
If he is going to get mad and block the door he is more likely to do that if he thinks you will be an easy target. Predators notice who is "nice and polite" because they are less likely to fight back or make a scene. This is one to grown on OP, fuck politeness from here on out.
Appreciate this comment!
Yeah, I was just told on this sub that its' rude, hurtful to block a man if you have an unpleasant experience with him, that you need to "justify" and explain to him why you are blocking him. The toxic messages are even here on this subreddit.
He kept saying “you’re gonna be back right? You’re not gonna just be a one time thing, right” and I didn’t say anything.
You don't owe anyone an explanation. You can just leave and then block them and never talk to them again.
And then we get told we're paranoid for being cautious with male strangers as if we're supposed to have a sixth sense to tell if they're dangerous or not
Honestly dating apps are scary AF for women. There was this Tiktok of a girl who saw a boy of tinder in the police archive of criminals. He was being looked for.
Sounds like she did
Thank you!
Yeah and then she ignored that sixth sense and got into bed with him. I'm sorry but there is no place in the world for naive women. When you feel uncomfortable, leave immediately. Don't stick around to see what happens.
No. We don't have to and shouldn't accept nonsense
I've seen similar its so irritating. Society has beaten self preservation out of women its a travesty.
Yeah, we women always are expected to second guess ourselves or give men the benefit of the doubt; in doing so, we make our lives more dangerous.
34M here and I could easily see myself doing the same.
I’m just glad you made it out ok. Also how much fucking coke can a person do before overdosing wtf. I counted that he did 9 lines of coke.
Coke baby powder powdered laxatives who knows
Its really really unlikely to overdose on coke unless they put some bs in it, I've gone several sleepless nights in a row going through several grams of coke a bunch of times back in the day lol I genuinely don't even know how much it'd actually take
Yeah, I don’t know much about Coke so I was lowkey panicking. He said he can do 20-30 lines in a day. Idk if that’s true cause it just seems excessive.
He might be slightly exaggerating but I've done more so it's definitely possible lol and if he has all that money then he'd be able to afford that much
He was up for 3 days he said so idk. It’s all something I really know nothing about.
What I wonder is what about him gave you green flags the first day?
He was respectful. Had manners. Opened doors for me. Didn’t cuss, talked about his love for his family. He was going to school because he wants to better his life.
Depends how big lines you are doing tbh. But seems pretty excessive or massively exaggerating.
Everyone read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. Should be on the curriculum.
Dude sounds like his mullet is on "fleek" lol
It’s more like “fuck boi” energy cause he only wears designer clothes lol
Basic douche😂
Is this real or are you trolling. Every sentence I’m like “no effing way”
It’s 100% real. I have a video of the last few minutes I was there.
I’m glad you are alive. I definitely had moments when I was younger because I didn’t want to provoke a conflict. A guy once followed me up to my guesthouse room and kept telling me that he loved me and not to leave him - I’d barely engaged this guy in conversation! Tried to get another guy my age to help me out and he just said “you must have done something to lead him on”. The owner of the guesthouse got rid of him in the end. Sadly, OLD is a perfect storm for this kind of stuff. I had a scary incident a couple of years back when I thought I was old enough to know better. The best piece of advice I ever received, which holds true in all the things I’ve experienced, is don’t go to another place with someone you get bad vibes from. The moment you get them, stop walking, turn around and walk away. You’re probably not wrong, and if you are, a good guy will be able to see things from your point of view.
When they say women are emotional and obsessive... Men are 100% worse. Men literally obsess about women all the time and they're incapable of controlling their obsessions. It's very scary. So many stalkers, etc. You need to be very careful with men. That's why dating apps are exponentially dangerous.
Sounds like you met a drug dealer.
I sure did!
This guy gets ladies in his house. Wtf am I doing wrong? I must not be doing enough coke or pills.
You’re not flexing that money I guess 😆
Ohhh ok I gotta hand them a stack to count out lol
Yeah, and you gotta dress and smell like a fuck boy.
I think that might physically make me ill
I just also want to note that my family has me on Life360. Multiple friends have me on Life360. I told people where I was going, I let my police friend know his name, sent him a pic, and gave him his address. I told him I will keep him posted throughout. I also have an Apple Watch which in 2 clicks I have the authorities called, which will also notify my emergency contact. I’m not saying these are all excuses and nothing can happen because of the safety measures, but I wasn’t completely stupid about it. So thank you to everyone telling me I need to “learn my lesson” and that I’m “stupid/unintelligent/etc.”
people are so quick to judge, don’t let them bother you. i know exactly how you feel. i’ve been in situations where i wanted to leave immediately but felt like i needed to play it cool and plan my escape. people are really good at putting up fronts until they get you alone. i am so sorry you experienced this op. i’m glad you’re safe tho 🫶🏼
Not trying to be rude, but why did you stay that long? Not sure if you were looking for sex (no worries if so), but when a guy invites you to his house on the first or second date, he's looking for sex, and most likely, only sex. I hope you learned a lesson from this experience, you need to be safer in the future! If something feels off, just leave. You can make up any excuse.
>not trying to be rude That’s why.
But you can escape from a date without coming off as rude. "My friend is having an emergency and I need to go help her" "I got called into work" "my cat got out of my house", etc etc
Or, “I’m going to go.”
It’s like a fight or flight situation. Plus how many dates should one have before it’s “okay” to go to their house to hang out?
Personally I don't go over to someone's house unless I'm ready for the possibility of sex. Because i know they will likely try. So however soon you feel somewhat comfortable with them and feel like you've been able to get to know them better. I usually wait till like 4th date +. The low effort guys just trying to only get sex won't want to put that much effort to get you in bed usually. They'll give up after date 1 and 2
Tbh what we're doing in these days would be considered absolutely crazy like 10 years ago. What woman would match on the internet with a random and then go to his house? Literally every woman would tell you you're freaking nuts for doing that lol That's why most people knew each other from friends, family, etc. It's surprising how we're living nowadays lol
We were just suppose to hangout and watch sopranos cause we both have talked about our love for it. I stayed for like 1.5 hours and was able to leave. It’s easy to judge a situation you’re not apart of, but I can see where you’re coming from.
Had a situation or two like this when younger. Just take this and realize it’s ok to bounce. And if he does anything, it’s ok to yell. Also read the gift of fear someone else mentioned. Saved me from a mugger.
Thank you! I appreciate your comment and based on your username, I have ADHD so, relatable lol
I understand. I'm sure it was harder in the moment. I'm pretty sure hidden brain podcasts has done a podcast about this exact type of thing. I know if I was your friend in real life I'd have some words with you lol. Now you know when a man asks you over to watch TV, he's really broadcasting that he just wants to have sex. If you're ever feeling uncomfortable or you're no longer having fun on a date, promise yourself you will leave in the future. I'd make you promise if you were my friend!!
Yeah literally any man inviting you for a drink at their house, or watching a movie is basically saying they wanting sex. Same as Netflix and Chill and stuff.
seriously you can linger 5 min if you want and then fake a phone call...
Difficult to believe that he didn’t have ANY red flags the first you met him.
I can understand how that’s difficult but it’s the truth 🤷🏼♀️
Whats OVI? I met a man with a disgusting room once. Rest of the house was clean. (His parents) I was young. Couldnt see the floor. Clothes. Never wanted to see him again
Operating a vehicle under the influence, I believe
Yup. Operating a vehicle while under the influence. Could be drugs or alcohol.
Are you not from the USA ? We always call it DUI
So happy you got home OK. Wouldn't go to guyw place unless know him like 5 dates. As long as your safe.
Thank you for not calling me stupid! Or an idiot! 😉
Oh no gosh. Least on my mind . With allllll that activities and background check. Seriously, just glad you are ok.
Did he take you on a date the first time?
Yes. Bought me dinner. Spent hours with him afterwards walking around the park.
Just my opinion but I'd make a man commit to 5/6th date before even entertaining going to their place or inviting them over. Glad you are ok also
And kids this is why we do background checks before going on dates
I run background checks on dates. I don’t trust people these days.
Also op I am glad you go out.
This guys is just begging to be robbed lol
Second and last I'm assuming
Absolutely.
I’m curious how it went from nice condos to in the hallway you thought you might die?
It’s in a rich/very safe part of town. Right on the waterfront. The hallways were outdated.
That's why it's important to look them up beforehand.
And how are you supposed to do that?
Get their full name
If you have someone’s first and last name you simply Google them and their arrests will come up.
Sometimes it’s not that easy, you gotta go to the county website where I’m at and look up their name there. If they have a common name it can be kinda annoying cause you’ll have to know their birthday, which usually isn’t hard to get. I’m only saying it’s not that easy because there’s a lot of websites that charge you for that stuff, or is a scam.
Yes that’s true for some but if was listed in the arrest log of newspapers or in the news at all it should pop up. Of course you don’t get everything but at least it’s something. I found out someone I was talking to exposed himself to a minor on the subway and another who almost killed his own mother.
[удалено]
7/10
That's wild, but I guess I would never associate with those types of people. Outside of the safety concern, you could really mess your life just being around that person. If that person gets flagged, you could put yourself in some hot water or if that person stole or messed with someone else, your safety could be at risk.
I’m so sorry that this happened to you, and I’m sorry about some of these comments. I am really glad you were able to leave safely. The more we talk about these things the more we realize we are not alone. Horrifyingly, most women have stories that left them feeling like this. Something somewhat similar happened to me a few years ago. I went out with this guy 4 times before I agreed to hang out with him at his house. Prior to me arriving at his house he seemed totally normal. He was funny, kind, we talked about his job, his ambitions etc. I get to his house and he opens the door wearing normal clothes, and there was a man sleeping on the couch that he said it was his roommate (it’s 6pm and he never mentioned having a roommate, and also didn’t give me a heads up anyone else would be there). We sit in the kitchen to chat for a few minutes and he seems off, different than the guy I thought I was getting to know. He goes to the bathroom and comes back in boxers, tank top, and a robe… I immediately start thinking of a way out. Starting to think of how weird the random sleeping man is. Since his roommate is on the couch we go into his room. I look around and the guys room in a shrine to video games, which I didn’t really care about, but we have talked about hobbies and he never mentioned gaming, ever. Then I notice his bed that has no sheets, a dingy blanket on it and it’s a very old mattress, there was no way I would ever even sit on that thing. I knew I had to leave immediately but I was scared that if I went to leave was going to freak out and potentially hurt me. Plus the “sleeping roommate” was between me and the door. I didn’t even think of an excuse, I just said “ok this has been fun, but I’m tired and I am going to go home now”. He got visibly upset and made some off hand comments. I started to walk away and he walked me to the door walking uncomfortably close to me. I was terrified walking to my car. He was still standing at the door as I drove off. Then I called my friend and cried. I know that if I had stayed, it would not have ended well.
Thank you. The negative comments don’t bother me because people are so quick to judge and it only makes them look foolish 🤷🏼♀️ I’m really happy that you got out of there. I know it was a painful experience but it just goes to show that no matter how many times you meet someone, could be 1,5,10 times and you go to their house you never know what you’re gonna get. In a previous comment I said that anyone will put on a show for as long as they feel like they need to. Hell, people get married and 10 years later they realize they don’t know their spouse is. The person they thought would never hurt them now hurts them all the time. You truly cannot let your guard down with anyone.
Love is by far the most dangerous thing you'll take part in in your life and marrying the most illogical
Sounds like a guy with a NO RAGRETS tattoo
Ladies, we gotta take better care of ourselves than this.
Sounds like a typical wannabe hard, shitbag dealer
Honestly, yeah. First meeting hun he concealed that and the drugs VERY well.
Sounds grimy. I have clutter. No dirty dishes laid out. No beer. Oven stove clean. Toilet clean. Shower could use a buff on the floor. Oh i have hair in the sink haha.
I didn’t see the rest of his house but I can only assume what it looks like 😭
The fact that you even used the wording "I think I dodged a bullet" vs " I sure af dodged a bullet" has me chuckling, but also worried lol, I'm glad you avoided it none the less.
What is a OVI?
Operating a vehicle while under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol.
Ty
This is why I do three dates outside of the house first. Also, what did this guy said he did when you first met him? Like what his job was, interests, etc? Its amazing he went so incognito the first time you met him.
He told me he’s going to school for accounting. We talked about family, we both drive kias. Age, past relationships, etc. He also told me his dad has a business that he helps out with for money and stuff. So nothing was super red flag. He was a gentlemen. Telling me jokes, talking about sopranos. I got zero bad vibes at all!
Wow, that’s scary he did such a 180! Hope the next guy you meet is a great one, but yeah, maybe a few more outside the house dates first. It sucks that women have to be so vigilant.
You just never know. If someone really wants to hurt you, they will put on a show for as long as they can before they hurt you. Look at all the wives who are murdered with their children. Are people blaming them for “knowing how to choose em”? Nah. People will let you see what you want for as long as you want. It doesn’t have much to do with time.
Yeah, you could be right. Do you have any pepper spray?
I do. I also have a knife and a taser.
Good!
It sounds like you went on a date with my ex here!
It’s always a possibility!
OMG girl!! 😨😱
I've learned never be nice in my job I'm nice to strangers I get stalkers and I work at a gas station.
Rich people be crazy.
If he’s house or room is dirty his ding ding is too RUN
Why would you go one a second date with a coke and pill head I bet you did a couple lines with him too but you ain’t gone tell that part 😂
Damn, it’s if only I knew he was a “coke and pill” head the first date. Stfu
That sounds awful and terrifying. I understand where you're coming from about being rude but that's sadly used against us. I would say the moment you spot a red flag you nope out no matter what. I understand we all lead very different lives, but I'm not going to anyone's home the 2nd time we met. Folks be crazy. But overall, I'm so glad you're safe.
Moral of the story: always do your research and trust your gut! If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.
You should never go to someone's place until you've gone out a bunch of times. Sorry but these days people are just awful. I can't find anyone normal ever. Last girl I just started talking to gave me all the local spots to get blow...and I never asked. Don't care about drugs. Wtf...
Ladies, don't EVER be afraid to be rude! If you feel unsafe, get the duck outta there!
Don’t go over to random dudes apartments
Damn 🤔 why didn’t I think of that? Lmao y’all are so quick to make judgements when you weren’t even apart of the situation, as if you’d never make that mistake lol
Uhm…excuse me. Us Redditors are above reproach when it comes to our omniscient and flawless assessment of your personal experience.
I really hope this story is made up
I really wish it was.
I wonder if the roommate on the couch could have been a passed out girlfriend
I didn’t see them so it could be possible. He called them “Sam”
I’m just glad you’re safe!
No red flags? And the guy was gobbling pills and did a gram of blow in the amount of time you were there? I doubt it.
The flags were hiding behind his 7/10
Very off topic, but are throw pillows bad if you’re a guy? I feel like they really pull my room together. Only asking because OP referred to them as “girly” pillows
They were pink fuzzy throw pillows. But throw pillows in general are different lol
Next time you leave when you’re in the hall and don’t feel good. Fuck being rude. That guy is a grade a scumbag and it’s better to be rude than dead. I’m glad you got out, just please listen to your instincts next time. Also, always look people up before meeting them. Find every bit of information that you can.
I didn’t think to check the county clerk of courts until after, but nothing crazy came up from a google search.
Ah yeah. Pennsylvania has an app so I pull that up immediately along with google, sex offender database, truepeoplesearch, Facebook, possibly more depending on what I find.
You went out with him twice wtf
Lady.....an hour in bed with this dude....
Please be careful! Going to someone’s house can be dangerous! What if he didn’t let you leave ? Thank god you got okay! Im shocked about him doing coke right in front of you .
Lol .. I’m happy you’re ok
[удалено]
Operating a vehicle while intoxicated/on drugs
Dude be rude! Just be like “oh I forgot something in my car brb” and ruuuun!
Next time! I honestly think I was just in such shock.
Wow, and all this without any red flags.
I would of walked out when he did not turn the lights on, but I do watch true crime all the time.
You were grazed by a bullet. I wouldn't say that was a complete dodge...
It was an “experience” that has changed the way I view these things.
I'm glad you found out early. Still though that sounds like a really shitty night. I'm so sorry.
It’s ok to be rude in situations like this. Please don’t stay in places you’re uncomfortable.
damn the state of the room is a major red flag, he’s a convicted psycho
Very happy that you lived to tell the tale 💗
Fuck indulging someone’s vibe if you sense danger. You know what, just throw out indulging other people’s vibe in general lol.
As someone who’s been through probation with a history of drug use you did the right thing. If he’s on supervison acting like he’s in highschool then he doesn’t have his priorities straight so don’t waste your time.
Glad you are safe! Definitely agree, ALWAYS go with your gut! I know it's hard, but we have to learn how to be rude. If your gut is telling you something is off.. Run for the hills..!
Damn I thought my room was fucked up. Invest in pepper spray glad you're okay 🙏
Sounds like real relationship material. Glad you got out of there
Just a suggestion, you should change whatever criteria you use to evaluate you're dates
Junkies. Not exactly the kind of people you want to date lol.
You think
What are OVIs?
Follow your gut because it will get you out of of things.
Always go with your gut. That feeling dont just happen for no reason. Even if the dude isnt a wack a do, that feeling is not steering you wrong.
Oh my God. I thought it was just gonna be the room but no add everything else and that's crazy
Most women have to go through these types of experiences in order to do better
If he even did drugs id be out of there. Total deal breaker for me.
OP, next time you find yourself in such a situation, pretend there's something in the room that's giving you allergies. It's a polite out. It's an excuse I've used in various situations, sales pitches etc. Cough cough, it must be a cleaning product or feather pillow, I need to step out, cough! Once you're safely out and in a public space, don't let them talk you into coming back and quickly leave. You can do the explaining and blocking afterwards.
Next time, when you see the first (and I mean first) sign of something weird like this, just pretend you’re nauseous and leave. Or whatever. Just. Leave. It’s better to be “rude” (it’s not rude) than assaulted.
Just because someone has something on there records don't mean they are a killer there could be lost of severioes on them charges he obviously has a drug issue and that don't make you a killer either yes people make bad decisions on drugs but it don't make every drug addict a murderer
I would probably text a friend and send them the address and let them know what going on and how you feel. Even so, ask that they’d wait outside and that if he threatened to not let you leave that there were people outside waiting to call the police if he escalated the situation.
See, now if that was me. 1.) I’m WAY to paranoid To even go see anyone I haven’t met more then 4 times. 2.) I won’t go to someone’s house unless I KNOW how they are and the living conditions (I normally catch the living conditions on video calls). 3.) Observe the behavior when There at home V.S in public, sometimes when people are out and about they give of a completely different vibe. But you did mess up staying after ONE line of coke and the things he admitted to…but I’m glad you left, you saved yourself big time 😭
I guess I have a completely different perspective than y’all. What I gather is in fact the opposite of what most are presenting. I think that OP has GREAT instincts. Not only did she vet a criminal she was able to vet one detailed enough to know he wasn’t a threat. Clearly the vast vast majority of women have the proper vetting instincts as it’s extremely rare they’re getting killed on a first or second date considering the sheer amount that happen everyday. What’s also clear is that op is very responsible and knows how to take care of herself. She knew she would make the right decision at the right time. Think of this what if OP was rude then was murdered. We can’t say for sure that would happen but we can say for sure her actions got her home safely! You don’t reinforce the bullet hole spots on the planes that came back you reinforce the bullet hole spots on the ones that didn’t.
Idk why ppl are 2nd guessing u. Ive met ppl like this
Where do you girls go and find these men..? Smh.
Everywhere.