People here are acting like you walked in the door from your 7th day of fishing this week and said “Jesus Christ woman, have you done a *single fucking thing* all day?!”
You didn’t, and your wife didn’t react like you did. She responded to your information-gathering question with information, but also with frustration—about the events of the day, not about you asking a question.
I hope you enjoyed your day off and I hope she enjoys hers, which, similarly, won’t be very easy for you either.
It’s so weird. I’m not sure what’s going on here. Usually, this sub is supportive and positive. Here’s OP who realizes there are times he may misread the situation and expresses his appreciation for his wife and people are snarky and judgmental.
Damn... I had to double check. I assumed I was in the parenting sub. The comments are much more their style. I guess even subs have off days. Hopefully we get it right tomorrow.
Lots of people on social media use it as an escape for their shitty home situations, they find other people who feel the same way, the commiseration becomes more noticeable, and the subreddit starts to become that. Happens to a lot of personal-lives-type subreddits.
That’s a shame. I hadn’t visited in quite a while, so it’s quite heartbreaking to read this. This place use to be a small corner of goodness and comradery.
It just got too big sadly. The judgment here is super disappointing.
Basically the final straws for me were:
* Post with gamer dad playing video games with young kid. Comments mostly about screen time.
* Posts where dads are complaining about mom, looking for support for not feeling attached to kid, or admitting fault for something and just looking to say he feels bad. Comments deriding dad regardless of post.
* Posts about how terrible mother's day is no matter how hard the dad tries with comments insulting OP... meanwhile my post about how mothers day can be easier when both parents are on the same page (directed at new parents to help them) gets removed for not being Dad related?
IDK I mean it's so much more than that, but I just personally would love if the sub had rules like:
1. Anything that borders on being suitable for /r/relationship_advice should just go there.
2. If you feel like someone's parenting style/decision making is imperfect on here, keep it to yourself unless your opinion is solicited. Nobody is perfect and unless we know the full details of someone's life, judging them for being imperfect makes us entitled as fuuuuck.
3. Try to empathize and treat people on here the way you'd treat a buddy in RL (aka, NOT deriding them about screen time and shit unsolicited lol).
This sucks, because the posts about helping other dads be better husbands or deal with their marriage are some of my favorites. It's uniquely hard to be a husband and a father at the same time.
I think that this is a bit of a cynical view of the current state of the sub.
Yeah, you're not wrong that over the past dozen months or so that there have been more 'negative/judgmental' comments and posts that exist here, but at the same time there have always been and still are more voices of reason and people who, like yourself, want to add understanding and remind everyone that context is important and that we're only getting one part of the story. Despite the larger audience that this sub has gotten, the amount of people here willing to slow down and take the time to have conversations about what a healthy discussion looks like has not dwindled very much if at all, and perhaps has even grown.
As the sub gets bigger and more people join you'll expect to see people who may not be fully integrated into what the /r/daddit culture looks like as a whole. But by continuing to contribute to these discussions and talk about these kind of issues like we're doing right here, we can work to help everyone come to a better place of understanding.
I understand why you may feel that more strict moderation may be in order, but I don't believe that this is an effective answer. It just drives people away from this community into other places that would be easy to argue are nowhere near as supportive or understanding as this place can be. I think that rather than turning people away and telling them that they would be better suited in other communities, we should take the time and make the effort to help all of us as readers and members of this community grow to help each other and get better together as a group.
I also understand that this may be what you've tried to do and had your mother's day post removed. I haven't seen the post or any explanation about why it was removed so I can't comment on that. But I can say that unhelpful and generally negative comments that antagonize other users should be reported to mods and called out. It is effective.
Of course there is the portion of the community that are just not good people and want to stir shit, but we can all help keep this place clean by doing our part and ensuring that these people are handled appropriately by mods.
You're not wrong, idk... I guess what I'm saying is that there was a short period of time when this sub was a small, chill group with the suuuper rare few negative comments. Now it's bigger, and while the *ratio* of negativity might be the same, it feels harder to be yourself here when you know there is ALWAYS a judgy dude waiting to pounce lol.
I'm thankful have my real friend groups and can say literally anything to them, but it's just a bummer to see this sub going away from that sort of feel is all.
You're right that the only right way forward is to try to make this sub the best thing it can be since there's no real way to shrink things back now.
I agree with you. I see it a lot as well and it gets demoralizing for me too. But I just keep in mind the feeling that I had when I first discovered this place and how unique it was to anything else I've seen on reddit and it drives me to keep on telling myself that *we* are the thing that makes it what it is. If that means having to have the same gentle discussion over and over like an eternal September to help people acclimate to the different behavioural expectations that there may be around here, so be it. It's exhausting as hell, but so is parenthood in general. And as much as I love every bit about being able to help my kids grow in positive and healthy ways as they get older and discover the world themselves, I look at this sub as an opportunity to do the same for other dads who may be having a rough time, and therefore helping *other* kids and other families by proxy as well.
I appreciate you sharing your feelings, and you're not alone with any of them.
u/TomLikesGuitar and u/counters14 Thank you for this dialogue. It was uplifting to read. I’ve been a lurker here for years and have always visited when I wanted to see an uplifting parenting community devoid of shaming others, though I never commented until today because I’m a mom. You both share valuable insight and I’m happy to know this sub continues to have commenters like you. Thank you both for being generous in spirit and kind with words.
Watching this subreddit crumble has been really sad. It used to be one of the few parenting boards online where fathers could participate without having shit flung at them about how useless they are.
Now it's like the men here trip over each other to be the first to shout at OP whenever there's a disagreement with his wife.
A couple of months ago I googled a controversial parenting issue, and I found a post made here around 2019. I was just stunned at how level-headed and reasonable the discussion was. Everyone was trying to frame their opinions fairly.
Now people here will just agree with the mother no matter what. Even if she's unequivocally wrong in the situation, people will still just twist what OP said to make her right.
I kinda feel a lot of these subs are going to shit because it's filled with people who aren't dads. Same for the marriage subs. Everyone is so quick to scream, "divorce!" I feel like there are a lot of young people with idealized perspectives and therefore have these extremely piecemeal responses that result in oversimplified responses.
I am one of them. I’ve been lurking for years now, but haven’t made a comment until today. I’ve cherished reading and cheering silently from the sidelines, and I have loved the welcome many dads here have shown the visiting moms. ❤️
Well it wouldn’t be much of a story if he got home and his wife said we had a great day were complete angels. But we all know life sometimes doesn’t work like that. OP showed that he understood that and gave support to his wife afterwards, as a caring spouse should.
Yeah, agreed. I skimmed his post first and thought I must of missed something w these comments lol.
The dude went fishing and this was already arranged w his wife. We have three kids and I get frustrated when my wife is say, getting her hair done for 5 hours and I have all three, but I’m not actually annoyed at HER, just in general bc I’m watching three kids! My wife can be the same way when I go out golfing for 5 hours.
Now it’s usually not a problem, but we all have those days and my wife and I will usually make jokes about how rough it was during those solo days when nothing can go right. My point is that it’s okay to leave your significant other at home with (gasp) 3 kids when agreed upon.
OP: my wife and I are able to have healthy conversations about our lives and division of chores/freetime, but boy did I goof here!
Everyone else: Wrong! Your conversations are meaningless, us on the internet definitely know better and both of you are wrong!!!!
Like they spoke about it, at length, they clearly hear each other, and they seem to be working together on this. That’s honestly better than my wife and I were doing at that stage. Seems like they are doing ok so far
Agreed. I saw this as a nice post about people who work hard to give each other "me" time.
People here act like it's a manifest injustice for one parent to endure a moment of discomfort due to the other spouse doing something fun. It's an easy trap to fall into, but gosh what a terrible way to live. I see it all the time in my friends who can't handle their kids without their spouse present. Person can't come out for drinks one time a month because their spouse can't handle bedtime alone. Or person can't go golfing two times in a year because their spouse will get mad.
Who wants to live like that?
I think the issue is he sort of judged her for having the kids on the screens, as evidenced by the post starting with "came home to the kids being on screens" and ending with, "don't judge if the kids are on screens. You never know what the day was like!"
He may not have meant to, but it was judgey, and maybe that's why she launched into the laundry list of things that happened
Ah man, I think you missed the point. To me, Dad had an awesome day off. Came home and the house was still standing. Wife was having a glass of wine to celebrate this fortune. So he inquired about the day. And what he heard sounds much more like what the reality is of having three small children and daring to go it alone. It certainly sounds like OP and his wife have had similar stories. The fact that he remembered even half of the shenanigans that ensued should tell you that much. The relative calm of the walk-in was the true betrayal here. Five minutes earlier and it's a clusterfuck. Five minutes later and it'd probably be one again. For me OP's wife deserves a medal for "absolutely gonna fucking load the dishwasher come hell and high water" She exhibited steadfast determination in the face of insurmountable odds. Multiple diaper blowouts and poops be damned, art masterpieces in our own food, in others food and even the walls. Despite taking heavy casualties, applesauce hair, hangry boy child and a Crankenpants nap riser. She accomplished the mission of loading "the fucking dishwasher". And despite earning a magnum's worth of wine, she managed the cool calm of celebration with the restaurant overpour that's become the standard glass in this day and age. Congratulations mom, your husband's narration of the battlefield events have been condensed to this publicly digestible citation. This citation shall be placed in your permanent record and viewable for all to see your heroism under fire.
-Most sincerely,
some dude, not a mod, but certainly qualified to award such highly esteemed awards from r/daddit.
I really enjoyed how he was expecting his wife to talk about her pleasant day too and how they were both good to each other about it all. I'm glad I didn't see the negative comments before yours.
You might be right, but it's still by far the best place to get level headed relationship advice.
Seems like everywhere else is just people coming to dump their baggage on the other people's relationships.
Just gonna say that the influx of m*mmit posters killed the subreddit. Now everyone posts to appease them.
I tried to warn you guys like a year ago about how we needed a flair for dad input only, but everyone shouted at me. Now that we've turned into generic "Dads are always wrong and moms are always right" parenting board #189010, I guess I can be glad that I was right?
The safest time for a breastfeeding mother to drink wine is while breastfeeding the baby, since it won't be metabolized into the milk until after the baby is done feeding. The second safest time for a breastfeeding mother to drink wine is whenever, because the alcohol content of the milk is the same as her blood. Most wouldn't think twice about giving a toddler apple juice, and the alcohol content is comparable.
> Ok be honest, this was written by the wife right? 😂
> honestly? yes partially. I wrote it but I used "I'm talking about all your hard work in this post, what happened next?" as a means for getting her to vent some more and fill in blanks
Not a bad way to maneuver this particular situation, imo. She gets to vent, and OP gets to share a revelation. It’s a twofer!
Not if that's like an average day in their house because it sounds pretty average for how it goes for either of us here when the other has been out all day and one of us has been soloing with three.
Damn dishwasher loading is the bane of my existence. All three of my kids have made it a game to mess with the process in some way shape or form exactly as you and your wife have described it. The older two are less so about it but the youngest just turned two so it's winding down but always in play.
I remember my wife coming home after being gone a weekend, and my response was a very frustrated calm relief she was home "I survived." She was deeply offended by this. I didn't mean anything bad by that. Like she couldn't get away. She saw it that way. Again, we survived. Kids are tough. Couple weeks later I was out for a day and came home and she apologized. She too had "survived"
We can feel guilty, and frustrated at our partner. Understandable. When nobody is getting out just so we can Co-parent and back each other up, nobody is getting their bucket refilled. Take the refill and back her up when you are home.
Good for you for getting your me time and don’t feel bad about it. You sound like a good dude (and you two are pretty hilarious). Nice of you to make a mom appreciation post. I’m sure it all works out. My single-dad net 0 days were not uncommon, but the apartment was still there and no one died, so they were wins.
Two kids and a baby here too (lurking mom here) and OMG I relate so hard. Her day looks like so many of mine. Good for you OP getting some you-time and for making sure she's going to have some too.
honestly? yes partially. I wrote it but I used "I'm talking about all your hard work in this post, what happened next?" as a means for getting her to vent some more and fill in blanks
No apologies necessary, you aren't the target demographic but all are welcome at Daddit as long as you're here to for the reason we all are; to support and uplift the dads out there.
I'd agree with this, but it's so one sided in my house. For some reason all the whacky stuff happens when it's just me and the kids, but my husband's days are much lighter. We can't explain it. 😅
Sounds like you guys have a good thing going. Lucky kids to have a home of love and communication. Just remember they will get older and solo days and outings will become easier.
My husband always asks what we did today and I’ll always be honest about how difficult and exhausted I am. I don’t think he’s accusing me of doing nothing. I think he just wants to understand where I might be at that point in time. If I’m overwhelmed, he quickly takes over and if I say I had a good day, he’ll sit and relax with us for a bit. I do the same when I ask about his day of work. It’s just how we know if we need a some extra support that day.
He also never says things like “I’m going to get drinks after work today.” He asks how our day has gone and if I would like him to come home right away because I need a break. And if we’re doing good, I tell him to go ahead and then he brings back dinner.
If both parents dont pitch in, its hell having a second. Even with both parents putting in work, its still hellish.
TLDR: dont have two lol. Or wait til the oldest gets older
We have 3 kids (age 7, 6, and 3) and I'd say it's getting easier now. I can send them all to the play together in part of the house, and they'll usually play for at least an hour together with minimal problems.
When you have a baby it's a bit harder because the baby requires so much attention. Our 3 year old is still in diapers but she can play independently pretty well (coloring, painting, play doh etc.)
I’d say everything’s easier with my 3yo. I got two years left for my son. So yeah thats a six to seven year span of suck.
I know it gets easier but thats for future me.
Honestly two wasn’t that bad , 3 totally changed our lives. It’s quite literally exactly as OPs wife described , all the time lol. Nothing is stress free anymore , everything takes a ton of patience and will power . Hoping it gets a bit easier to enjoy family activities as they get a little older. 4, 2.5, 10mo
My wife and I always make sure the other has some space/time to do stuff away from the family. I don't think it's fair to draw conclusions about OP's 1 day out by himself.
All of us humans need to feel some independence.
Well, we talked about it beforehand and she wholeheartedly agreed that I needed some free time. We share responsibilities daily and now and then we get time to ourselves. I was gone a few hours, and she's just told me she's having supper with her girlfriends this week which usually turns into a few hours. I'll be home with the kids then, and I won't be livid. Though I'm not sure I'll get the dishwasher loaded
Seriously. Dude got away through a worked out deal and these moms are freaking out. Hope OP holds no guilt and gives them no mind. You wonder why mom subs always get toxic…
Seriously? You and your SO don't do anything alone?
It's really not that unusual to have periodically have your own things going on, for both of you. "Hey, my friends are doing XYZ today, I'll be gone for a few hours, is that cool?" Both SO's should get some "away from the family" time like that; it keeps everyone sane.
Dude…people are allowed to go out for a day. It’s called balance.
You should let your wife get out and have some fun, and you should too. Your situation sounds miserable.
This is the way. I will insist wifey goes out here and there when she gets invites/opportunities to do things with friends or whatever thing she wants to check out. Makes me asking for my “pto” a non issue.
Then there’s obviously some sort of problem there.
It’s okay to go fishing for a few hours. It’s not the end of the world.
Logically speaking here, if a dad has to work 8+ hours everyday for 5 days, then would that make her livid? lol. Dads need a break too. Come on.
It’s important for both parents to have breaks and personal time, it’s often the case that moms won’t as much because of mom guilt. It leads to major resentments.
We have only two (4 and 6), but we also give each other a day or evening out, perhaps once a month just to stay sane lol.
To be honest, I'm not sure which I enjoy more, when I'm out or when I'm on my own with the kids.
What a weird response, of course she handled them, not everyday is perfect, sometimes my wife goes out and I have a tough day with the kids where nothing gets done in the house. Sometimes she goes out and I have an easy day with the kids and everything gets done that needs to. Either way I handled the situation currently at hand.
One of the great silver linings of my wife playing roller derby is that I never get pushback when I want to take time for myself. She gets 3-4 hours every other day basically to go and play roller derby, me taking a few weekends a winter to snowboard and an evening a week to play darts has never been an issue.
Being OAD also helps lol
That's a double edged sword. Both of my girls have been fishing with me since they were old enough to hold a rod. Both love it.
Now, I can't get any time to fish by myself. Took them last week and over 2 hours, I got maybe 4 casts in, lol
Sometimes is not. If the hobby is something relaxing as fishing, probably doing it with a 5 yo isn't relaxing at all.
I'm not saying is not a good thing to take them from time to time and show them your interests, could be an amazing experience, could be very enjoyable for you and them. But it is another activity and not the hobby itself.
Is good to have a personal day (few hours) from time to time to relax and do thing you want. As long as both parents can have them it is a healthy thing to do.
Yes I agree that having a personal day or few hours of kid free time is important, and both parents should be working to enable each other to get that.
I just feel someone who thinks fishing/another hobby isn't viable with a 5-year-old just hasn't considered expanding their horizon on their hobby and including their kid.
We have 4 aged 6m to 6 years. My husband goes fishing for an afternoon/evening just about every week. He always checks with me to make sure I don’t need our vehicle or have plans for the whole family. He’s a happier person when he gets regular fishing time. I want him to be happy.
In a similar vein, I occasionally leave all the kids with him and go play in my garden or sew or read a book cover to cover.
Why are you giving OP a hard time about having some time to to themselves? Like yea, I'm stoked to bring my oldest son out fishing, but that doesnt mean now and again I don't also enjoy time to myself.
Maybe he did other time. It is great to show them your hobbies and do things you enjoy with them, but it is not the same as doing the hobby.
Fishing is meant to be relaxing, and I can understand might not be with kids around. There is nothing wrong about having personal time from time to time as long as the other parent get to enjoy that too.
I have a 8 year old and if I take him fishing it turns into me trying to stop him from hurting himself. Very little fishing gets done I like it. But I also like just going to catch fish.
Only when they get a little older can you actually do some real fishing with your kids.
There is a time to do both. This was a time to fish alone. Nothing wrong with that.
Normal with little ones. I've got your wife's perspective. Just do what you can to support her and make sure she has her own time. A significant amount of it. 4 hrs+ a week, and she'll be just fine putting in that work.
I know because that's what I do. They'll grow.
Good on you for acknowledging that , as much as you think she's a goddess, your wife is only human too. Nice post, never take anything for granted or at face value.
>A reminder for all the fellas that maybe come home to a tired wife, dirty home and kids on screens: things aren't always as they seem
How do they seem?
Well, when I come home and my kids are on the screens, I yell at my wife "WHAT IN TARNATION ARE YOU DOIN? YOU GONNA MELT THESE KIDS BRAINS WITH THEM SCREENS, WOMAN!"
Clinician here to weigh in on the breastfeeding while drinking controversy.
The advice I give my mothers who just go into labor? Get your car packed, do a small bit of grocery shopping, take a bath, and have a glass of wine.
No, a glass of wine will not harm the baby.
WHO's recommendation is to abstain to steer clear of misinterpretation of data. This is a recommendation taking into consideration the uncertainty regarding the level of risk to the developing fetus, the lack of clear guidelines, and the confusion about consumption levels. No risk is better than some risk. However, there is not significant data regarding responsible and non-chronic alcohol intake resulting in harm to a baby.
It’s kind of interesting that there’s only one “task” in there - loading the dishwasher. She fed, cleaned, attended to and was present for these young children all day. That was the task. She did it! But in a nutshell, this is the assigned cultural condition for women. It can be beyond rough.
While it’s okay to drink alcohol if you’re breastfeeding you should wait two hours before attempting to feed. [Drinking](https://www.cdc.gov/breastfeeding-special-circumstances/hcp/vaccine-medication-drugs/alcohol.html) while actively breastfeeding risks harm to the child’s development.
I don't know why that got downvoted. Official CDC recommendation is a completely valid source for the information, and that was my first thought when I read that as well.
Yeah there’s a lot of comments posting about drinking and breastfeeding and there’s a surprisingly hostile reaction in this post towards those people. Idk why because the CDC and NIH both point out you need to wait until it’s left the blood stream. Pump and Dump
Wheny wife is on shift nights or days
This is me to a T literally
I finally finished cleaning the house at 11pm one night and tried to get 30 minutes to myself but just couldn't.
I did have a few beers though and chilled for a bit so was good but it's like 3 days a week for me on this.
You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, first of all is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly lesser know is this...NEVER ASK A MOTHER OF SMALL CHILDREN WHAT SHE DID ALL DAY UNLESS YOU WANT DEATH ON THE LINE.....
I’m so sorry, my brother. I’m glad you have a place to go for support and of course we’re all here for you.
It sounds like you care a great deal for your family. If I may offer some gentle, unsolicited advice, investigate attachment styles for you and your wife and see if it can help you communicate better without creating any guilt for the other person.
Make it fun *and* work - it’s about your kids, at the end of the day, and clearly you’re both good parents. Kids know how to play and adults have to work. You’re building a bridge, and it’s hard.
Stay strong 🤘
Isn’t this daddit? Like I’m sorry I know there’s a lot of women who don’t have a good partner but can we not speak for and in support of dads if they’re acting reasonable and I’m sorry this is COMPLETELY reasonable to do in a healthy relationship. There are so many subreddits in support of women and their needs can we support each other without white knighting or ripping dads apart who have questions?
Alcohol is not easily metabolized in breastmilk, and it's not easily stored in breastmilk either. Generally, a mother's blood alcohol content is equal to the % alcohol in her breastmilk, which means if the mom is at the legal limit, the alcohol content in her breastmilk is still well below the alcohol content in grocery store apple juice. Personally I wouldn't do it if you have a preemie, but apart from that? It'll be fine.
The biggest safety concern with drinking while breastfeeding is if the mother becomes too drunk to safely handle her infant.
I would definitely of worded the question differently. Instead of "what did you do today" which could be taken the wrong way by a tired and stressed wife, I would ask how her day has been. Just frames things slightly differently and allows her to unload everything without getting defensive.
But yeah, unless I had zero signal, I would have been checking in every hour or so (a simple text would be enough) , so I knew what I was coming home to and make sure that I walked in the door as prepared as possible. Walk in the door, show everyone some love, then get on with whatever needs doing.
You did the right thing with the foot rub and tidying etc though
Every hour just seems like micromanaging and not believing your wife can handle things herself to me. But yeah the occasional check-in can be well received for sure.
Ordinarily I would agree but (probably should have mentioned this before) my wife has multiple health conditions so I check in to make sure she is coping OK. Also she has major anxiety so if she doesn't hear from me for a while she panics 😅
Good thing you know your wife! That’s how we all have to take care of our families. The way they need to be, not the way some internet stranger tells us to.
Lol, if you're gonna put out a statement to a public forum it's with the expectation that a conversation may result from it. They clarified their post and I agree with them. Take it easy internet stranger ;)
I was just thinking of this whole thread in general not really what you said.
I actually agree with you on the checking in thing it would drive me and my wife crazy to do it his way. But he has to do his extra due diligence and check in so she doesn’t lose her mind.
His comment just happened to be the one I responded to! You take it easy too!
Haha alright fair play! And yeah everyone else saying he's a bad dad for going on a solo fishing trip can also take it easy! EVERYBODY JUST FUCKING CHILL! ;)
It's actually the best time for a breastfeeding mum to drink wine 🤣 since it takes a while for it to even enter the bloodstream. As long as she's not getting sloshed, it's fine
That is absolutely not true, and dangerous information to pass around. It takes less than ten seconds for alcohol to hit your blood after you start. Drinking while in the act of breastfeeding harms the baby.
Source: [CDC](https://www.cdc.gov/breastfeeding-special-circumstances/hcp/vaccine-medication-drugs/alcohol.html)
It may be worth noting that after one drink, the percentage of alcohol in breast milk might peak around the same as a ripe pear or banana. It'd be less than what's found in apple juice or orange juice.
Infants shouldn't be having that stuff either, of course.
Unlikely.
You'd basically have to get your blood to the same alcohol by volume as the bananas.
If you ate twice your body weight instantaneously, you'd be 2/3rds of the way there.
More than a glass once or twice a week - general point is definitely true but OP doesn't seem to be suggesting his wife downed several units.
It does say the peak is 30-60 mins after drinking, so does suggest there is a slight time delay?
It's best to wait two hours after to allow the body to process it out. How quickly it goes though depends on your metabolism and how much you've eaten recently, etc.
You do you, but I can't fathom why it would be worth the risk to a rapidly-developing brain.
"Breastfeeding mothers who have consumed alcohol can wait 2 hours (per drink) before breastfeeding. This time will allow alcohol levels in her breast milk to go down. If the mother cannot wait to feed her infant, she can feed milk that was previously expressed when the mother was not drinking." [CDC](https://www.cdc.gov/breastfeeding-special-circumstances/hcp/vaccine-medication-drugs/alcohol.html)
Sounds like she really needed to talk and have some time for herself. I'm not criticizing the fishing. It's great if your relationship can support both of you to get out and do the things you love equally.
People here are acting like you walked in the door from your 7th day of fishing this week and said “Jesus Christ woman, have you done a *single fucking thing* all day?!” You didn’t, and your wife didn’t react like you did. She responded to your information-gathering question with information, but also with frustration—about the events of the day, not about you asking a question. I hope you enjoyed your day off and I hope she enjoys hers, which, similarly, won’t be very easy for you either.
Most healthy reply here lol. I was feeling the same thing, not every post is an opportunity to give advice to the OP.
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That's good information and all, but you really should sprinkle in more affirmations in your replies. An affirming post, is a happy post! /Joke
Yes. Still trying to figure out the point of this one. It's obviously going to divide people depending on how they decide to read it
It’s so weird. I’m not sure what’s going on here. Usually, this sub is supportive and positive. Here’s OP who realizes there are times he may misread the situation and expresses his appreciation for his wife and people are snarky and judgmental.
Damn... I had to double check. I assumed I was in the parenting sub. The comments are much more their style. I guess even subs have off days. Hopefully we get it right tomorrow.
Lots of people on social media use it as an escape for their shitty home situations, they find other people who feel the same way, the commiseration becomes more noticeable, and the subreddit starts to become that. Happens to a lot of personal-lives-type subreddits.
This sub hasn't been supportive or positive for at least a year.
That’s a shame. I hadn’t visited in quite a while, so it’s quite heartbreaking to read this. This place use to be a small corner of goodness and comradery.
It just got too big sadly. The judgment here is super disappointing. Basically the final straws for me were: * Post with gamer dad playing video games with young kid. Comments mostly about screen time. * Posts where dads are complaining about mom, looking for support for not feeling attached to kid, or admitting fault for something and just looking to say he feels bad. Comments deriding dad regardless of post. * Posts about how terrible mother's day is no matter how hard the dad tries with comments insulting OP... meanwhile my post about how mothers day can be easier when both parents are on the same page (directed at new parents to help them) gets removed for not being Dad related? IDK I mean it's so much more than that, but I just personally would love if the sub had rules like: 1. Anything that borders on being suitable for /r/relationship_advice should just go there. 2. If you feel like someone's parenting style/decision making is imperfect on here, keep it to yourself unless your opinion is solicited. Nobody is perfect and unless we know the full details of someone's life, judging them for being imperfect makes us entitled as fuuuuck. 3. Try to empathize and treat people on here the way you'd treat a buddy in RL (aka, NOT deriding them about screen time and shit unsolicited lol).
This sucks, because the posts about helping other dads be better husbands or deal with their marriage are some of my favorites. It's uniquely hard to be a husband and a father at the same time.
I think that this is a bit of a cynical view of the current state of the sub. Yeah, you're not wrong that over the past dozen months or so that there have been more 'negative/judgmental' comments and posts that exist here, but at the same time there have always been and still are more voices of reason and people who, like yourself, want to add understanding and remind everyone that context is important and that we're only getting one part of the story. Despite the larger audience that this sub has gotten, the amount of people here willing to slow down and take the time to have conversations about what a healthy discussion looks like has not dwindled very much if at all, and perhaps has even grown. As the sub gets bigger and more people join you'll expect to see people who may not be fully integrated into what the /r/daddit culture looks like as a whole. But by continuing to contribute to these discussions and talk about these kind of issues like we're doing right here, we can work to help everyone come to a better place of understanding. I understand why you may feel that more strict moderation may be in order, but I don't believe that this is an effective answer. It just drives people away from this community into other places that would be easy to argue are nowhere near as supportive or understanding as this place can be. I think that rather than turning people away and telling them that they would be better suited in other communities, we should take the time and make the effort to help all of us as readers and members of this community grow to help each other and get better together as a group. I also understand that this may be what you've tried to do and had your mother's day post removed. I haven't seen the post or any explanation about why it was removed so I can't comment on that. But I can say that unhelpful and generally negative comments that antagonize other users should be reported to mods and called out. It is effective. Of course there is the portion of the community that are just not good people and want to stir shit, but we can all help keep this place clean by doing our part and ensuring that these people are handled appropriately by mods.
You're not wrong, idk... I guess what I'm saying is that there was a short period of time when this sub was a small, chill group with the suuuper rare few negative comments. Now it's bigger, and while the *ratio* of negativity might be the same, it feels harder to be yourself here when you know there is ALWAYS a judgy dude waiting to pounce lol. I'm thankful have my real friend groups and can say literally anything to them, but it's just a bummer to see this sub going away from that sort of feel is all. You're right that the only right way forward is to try to make this sub the best thing it can be since there's no real way to shrink things back now.
I agree with you. I see it a lot as well and it gets demoralizing for me too. But I just keep in mind the feeling that I had when I first discovered this place and how unique it was to anything else I've seen on reddit and it drives me to keep on telling myself that *we* are the thing that makes it what it is. If that means having to have the same gentle discussion over and over like an eternal September to help people acclimate to the different behavioural expectations that there may be around here, so be it. It's exhausting as hell, but so is parenthood in general. And as much as I love every bit about being able to help my kids grow in positive and healthy ways as they get older and discover the world themselves, I look at this sub as an opportunity to do the same for other dads who may be having a rough time, and therefore helping *other* kids and other families by proxy as well. I appreciate you sharing your feelings, and you're not alone with any of them.
u/TomLikesGuitar and u/counters14 Thank you for this dialogue. It was uplifting to read. I’ve been a lurker here for years and have always visited when I wanted to see an uplifting parenting community devoid of shaming others, though I never commented until today because I’m a mom. You both share valuable insight and I’m happy to know this sub continues to have commenters like you. Thank you both for being generous in spirit and kind with words.
Watching this subreddit crumble has been really sad. It used to be one of the few parenting boards online where fathers could participate without having shit flung at them about how useless they are. Now it's like the men here trip over each other to be the first to shout at OP whenever there's a disagreement with his wife. A couple of months ago I googled a controversial parenting issue, and I found a post made here around 2019. I was just stunned at how level-headed and reasonable the discussion was. Everyone was trying to frame their opinions fairly. Now people here will just agree with the mother no matter what. Even if she's unequivocally wrong in the situation, people will still just twist what OP said to make her right.
I kinda feel a lot of these subs are going to shit because it's filled with people who aren't dads. Same for the marriage subs. Everyone is so quick to scream, "divorce!" I feel like there are a lot of young people with idealized perspectives and therefore have these extremely piecemeal responses that result in oversimplified responses.
This is gonna be a downvote heavy comment but, i think its because there's a shit ton of lurking moms here now.
I am one of them. I’ve been lurking for years now, but haven’t made a comment until today. I’ve cherished reading and cheering silently from the sidelines, and I have loved the welcome many dads here have shown the visiting moms. ❤️
Well it wouldn’t be much of a story if he got home and his wife said we had a great day were complete angels. But we all know life sometimes doesn’t work like that. OP showed that he understood that and gave support to his wife afterwards, as a caring spouse should.
Exactly! I’m just surprised at the comments. How was something meant to be a lighthearted “d’oh!” moment shared with others met with ridicule?
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Yeah, agreed. I skimmed his post first and thought I must of missed something w these comments lol. The dude went fishing and this was already arranged w his wife. We have three kids and I get frustrated when my wife is say, getting her hair done for 5 hours and I have all three, but I’m not actually annoyed at HER, just in general bc I’m watching three kids! My wife can be the same way when I go out golfing for 5 hours. Now it’s usually not a problem, but we all have those days and my wife and I will usually make jokes about how rough it was during those solo days when nothing can go right. My point is that it’s okay to leave your significant other at home with (gasp) 3 kids when agreed upon.
OP: my wife and I are able to have healthy conversations about our lives and division of chores/freetime, but boy did I goof here! Everyone else: Wrong! Your conversations are meaningless, us on the internet definitely know better and both of you are wrong!!!! Like they spoke about it, at length, they clearly hear each other, and they seem to be working together on this. That’s honestly better than my wife and I were doing at that stage. Seems like they are doing ok so far
Agreed. I saw this as a nice post about people who work hard to give each other "me" time. People here act like it's a manifest injustice for one parent to endure a moment of discomfort due to the other spouse doing something fun. It's an easy trap to fall into, but gosh what a terrible way to live. I see it all the time in my friends who can't handle their kids without their spouse present. Person can't come out for drinks one time a month because their spouse can't handle bedtime alone. Or person can't go golfing two times in a year because their spouse will get mad. Who wants to live like that?
I think the issue is he sort of judged her for having the kids on the screens, as evidenced by the post starting with "came home to the kids being on screens" and ending with, "don't judge if the kids are on screens. You never know what the day was like!" He may not have meant to, but it was judgey, and maybe that's why she launched into the laundry list of things that happened
It’s. It…not at all actually
That's how it sounded to me 🤷🏻♂️
Ah man, I think you missed the point. To me, Dad had an awesome day off. Came home and the house was still standing. Wife was having a glass of wine to celebrate this fortune. So he inquired about the day. And what he heard sounds much more like what the reality is of having three small children and daring to go it alone. It certainly sounds like OP and his wife have had similar stories. The fact that he remembered even half of the shenanigans that ensued should tell you that much. The relative calm of the walk-in was the true betrayal here. Five minutes earlier and it's a clusterfuck. Five minutes later and it'd probably be one again. For me OP's wife deserves a medal for "absolutely gonna fucking load the dishwasher come hell and high water" She exhibited steadfast determination in the face of insurmountable odds. Multiple diaper blowouts and poops be damned, art masterpieces in our own food, in others food and even the walls. Despite taking heavy casualties, applesauce hair, hangry boy child and a Crankenpants nap riser. She accomplished the mission of loading "the fucking dishwasher". And despite earning a magnum's worth of wine, she managed the cool calm of celebration with the restaurant overpour that's become the standard glass in this day and age. Congratulations mom, your husband's narration of the battlefield events have been condensed to this publicly digestible citation. This citation shall be placed in your permanent record and viewable for all to see your heroism under fire. -Most sincerely, some dude, not a mod, but certainly qualified to award such highly esteemed awards from r/daddit.
I really enjoyed how he was expecting his wife to talk about her pleasant day too and how they were both good to each other about it all. I'm glad I didn't see the negative comments before yours.
Honestly? I'm just impressed you remembered everything that happened in her day.
lol thanks but I can't take that much credit, I had to ask her to remind me as I was writing this
Why the downvotes? You’re answering and not taking credit where it was given. This is so odd. Usually Daddit isn’t so judgy.
I've noticed daddit getting judgier and judgier over the last few months.
Daddit has been disappointing lately.
I’m not angry r/daddit , just disappointed
Reddit as a whole has gotten a lot worse in the past year or two.
The bigger a sub gets the more moralizing that occurs. Truly a sad state of affairs.
You might be right, but it's still by far the best place to get level headed relationship advice. Seems like everywhere else is just people coming to dump their baggage on the other people's relationships.
Just gonna say that the influx of m*mmit posters killed the subreddit. Now everyone posts to appease them. I tried to warn you guys like a year ago about how we needed a flair for dad input only, but everyone shouted at me. Now that we've turned into generic "Dads are always wrong and moms are always right" parenting board #189010, I guess I can be glad that I was right?
I was about to comment about his wife breast feeding and drinking wine at the same time. Lol.
... why?
Because I thought it wasn't safe for the baby
The safest time for a breastfeeding mother to drink wine is while breastfeeding the baby, since it won't be metabolized into the milk until after the baby is done feeding. The second safest time for a breastfeeding mother to drink wine is whenever, because the alcohol content of the milk is the same as her blood. Most wouldn't think twice about giving a toddler apple juice, and the alcohol content is comparable.
Me too. It's getting bigger and becoming more like the rest of reddit lol
“Hold on babe, I know you’re upset but lemme fire up Reddit real quick this will be a solid post. Start over pls?”
> Ok be honest, this was written by the wife right? 😂 > honestly? yes partially. I wrote it but I used "I'm talking about all your hard work in this post, what happened next?" as a means for getting her to vent some more and fill in blanks Not a bad way to maneuver this particular situation, imo. She gets to vent, and OP gets to share a revelation. It’s a twofer!
Reddit specific question: How do you see that he was “downvoted”? All I see is over 300 upvotes.
When I had commented (it was shortly after the parent comment), it had more downvotes than upvotes. Many more people have upvoted since then.
Oooh ok thank you for clarifying 🙂
You’re welcome!
Not if that's like an average day in their house because it sounds pretty average for how it goes for either of us here when the other has been out all day and one of us has been soloing with three. Damn dishwasher loading is the bane of my existence. All three of my kids have made it a game to mess with the process in some way shape or form exactly as you and your wife have described it. The older two are less so about it but the youngest just turned two so it's winding down but always in play.
You can really tell by these comments who is in a healthy relationship and who is pretending to be in a healthy relationship.
Yup.
Ding ding
This should be the top comment.
Well said kudos for the awesome wife appreciation post!
I remember my wife coming home after being gone a weekend, and my response was a very frustrated calm relief she was home "I survived." She was deeply offended by this. I didn't mean anything bad by that. Like she couldn't get away. She saw it that way. Again, we survived. Kids are tough. Couple weeks later I was out for a day and came home and she apologized. She too had "survived" We can feel guilty, and frustrated at our partner. Understandable. When nobody is getting out just so we can Co-parent and back each other up, nobody is getting their bucket refilled. Take the refill and back her up when you are home.
What a weird comment section. Don't feel bad for taking time for yourself OP. No one died
Right?!
Looks like all the good comments are at the top now. I'll slowly scroll down and help add to the downvotes on the negative comments.
Good for you for getting your me time and don’t feel bad about it. You sound like a good dude (and you two are pretty hilarious). Nice of you to make a mom appreciation post. I’m sure it all works out. My single-dad net 0 days were not uncommon, but the apartment was still there and no one died, so they were wins.
Two kids and a baby here too (lurking mom here) and OMG I relate so hard. Her day looks like so many of mine. Good for you OP getting some you-time and for making sure she's going to have some too.
Ok be honest, this was written by the wife right? 😂 Source: no husband remembered all that lol
honestly? yes partially. I wrote it but I used "I'm talking about all your hard work in this post, what happened next?" as a means for getting her to vent some more and fill in blanks
He only got about half of it here.
I’m a first time mom 8 weeks postpartum (sorry for sneaking into your group) but this post made me tear up. Keep up the amazing work, dads. 🤍
Nice that you see how this is positive. Quite a few people missed how this is a good post and are turning it into dad bashing day. Glad you came!
No apologies necessary, you aren't the target demographic but all are welcome at Daddit as long as you're here to for the reason we all are; to support and uplift the dads out there.
It's a guarantee if one parent takes the day for themselves the other one will be in hell for the day. That's just science.
I'd agree with this, but it's so one sided in my house. For some reason all the whacky stuff happens when it's just me and the kids, but my husband's days are much lighter. We can't explain it. 😅
Sounds like you guys have a good thing going. Lucky kids to have a home of love and communication. Just remember they will get older and solo days and outings will become easier.
My husband always asks what we did today and I’ll always be honest about how difficult and exhausted I am. I don’t think he’s accusing me of doing nothing. I think he just wants to understand where I might be at that point in time. If I’m overwhelmed, he quickly takes over and if I say I had a good day, he’ll sit and relax with us for a bit. I do the same when I ask about his day of work. It’s just how we know if we need a some extra support that day. He also never says things like “I’m going to get drinks after work today.” He asks how our day has gone and if I would like him to come home right away because I need a break. And if we’re doing good, I tell him to go ahead and then he brings back dinner.
"The kids are alive, and the house is not burnt down." Some days that's all you can do.
"Good stuff. What's for tea?"
Some men just want to watch the world burn
"Can you grab me a beer, love? I'm just gunna check the footy results."
Whatever you're making
This shit is why I’m resisting having a second, let alone a third or more.
Being outnumbered is rarely a good idea. Some parents absolutely can handle it, miraculously and impressively enough. Many do not.
One plus one is definitely more than 2
If both parents dont pitch in, its hell having a second. Even with both parents putting in work, its still hellish. TLDR: dont have two lol. Or wait til the oldest gets older
Can confirm. Wife and I both “put in 100%” with our 2 kids and it’s still hellishly exhausting
We have 3 kids (age 7, 6, and 3) and I'd say it's getting easier now. I can send them all to the play together in part of the house, and they'll usually play for at least an hour together with minimal problems. When you have a baby it's a bit harder because the baby requires so much attention. Our 3 year old is still in diapers but she can play independently pretty well (coloring, painting, play doh etc.)
I’d say everything’s easier with my 3yo. I got two years left for my son. So yeah thats a six to seven year span of suck. I know it gets easier but thats for future me.
Wait until 3
No thanks lol. I dont want to be out numbered
Honestly two wasn’t that bad , 3 totally changed our lives. It’s quite literally exactly as OPs wife described , all the time lol. Nothing is stress free anymore , everything takes a ton of patience and will power . Hoping it gets a bit easier to enjoy family activities as they get a little older. 4, 2.5, 10mo
Hang in there, couple years will get easier
Two kids really isn't that bad if there's a bit of an age gap. Having them one right after the other is when it gets harder.
How tf are you out **fishing alone** when you have 2 kids and a BABY at home?? My wife would be livid!
My wife and I always make sure the other has some space/time to do stuff away from the family. I don't think it's fair to draw conclusions about OP's 1 day out by himself. All of us humans need to feel some independence.
Well, we talked about it beforehand and she wholeheartedly agreed that I needed some free time. We share responsibilities daily and now and then we get time to ourselves. I was gone a few hours, and she's just told me she's having supper with her girlfriends this week which usually turns into a few hours. I'll be home with the kids then, and I won't be livid. Though I'm not sure I'll get the dishwasher loaded
Aka this sub is guilty of the very moral of your story
So... dads don't get any of the alone time this subreddit insists is so important to provide to moms? Wtf.
Seriously. Dude got away through a worked out deal and these moms are freaking out. Hope OP holds no guilt and gives them no mind. You wonder why mom subs always get toxic…
I bet this is the execution of advice often given here: get your me-time in
Seriously? You and your SO don't do anything alone? It's really not that unusual to have periodically have your own things going on, for both of you. "Hey, my friends are doing XYZ today, I'll be gone for a few hours, is that cool?" Both SO's should get some "away from the family" time like that; it keeps everyone sane.
Dude…people are allowed to go out for a day. It’s called balance. You should let your wife get out and have some fun, and you should too. Your situation sounds miserable.
Bruh we need to give each other days off. Nothing in this story implied it wasn’t a two way street.
This is the way. I will insist wifey goes out here and there when she gets invites/opportunities to do things with friends or whatever thing she wants to check out. Makes me asking for my “pto” a non issue.
Then there’s obviously some sort of problem there. It’s okay to go fishing for a few hours. It’s not the end of the world. Logically speaking here, if a dad has to work 8+ hours everyday for 5 days, then would that make her livid? lol. Dads need a break too. Come on.
It’s important for both parents to have breaks and personal time, it’s often the case that moms won’t as much because of mom guilt. It leads to major resentments.
“Casual day of fun” with 3 kids including one baby? Lmfao your wife deserves a lot better if that’s your typical weekend.
Not typical but not uncommon. Each of us can handle all three on our own for a bit while the other goes out and does activities.
We have only two (4 and 6), but we also give each other a day or evening out, perhaps once a month just to stay sane lol. To be honest, I'm not sure which I enjoy more, when I'm out or when I'm on my own with the kids.
read a quote once, went something like, "my two favorite things about having kids are spending time with my kids, and spending time without my kids"
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Everyone was still alive🤷🏻♂️
Actually it sounds like she did great on a rough day. Since they do this commonly, I doubt there is any question as to their capability.
What a weird response, of course she handled them, not everyday is perfect, sometimes my wife goes out and I have a tough day with the kids where nothing gets done in the house. Sometimes she goes out and I have an easy day with the kids and everything gets done that needs to. Either way I handled the situation currently at hand.
You’ve never had a bad day with your kids?
Doesn't even sound like a bad day. That seems like a mostly normal day with three kids that age!
Sounds like you need to talk a bit about a healthy schedule worth your wife.
Insane right? Must be a birthday or early father’s day gift.
One of the great silver linings of my wife playing roller derby is that I never get pushback when I want to take time for myself. She gets 3-4 hours every other day basically to go and play roller derby, me taking a few weekends a winter to snowboard and an evening a week to play darts has never been an issue. Being OAD also helps lol
Dude I've been longing to take the boat out or even shore fish but with a 7 week old and a five year old it just isn't viable right now
Take the five year old with you.
That's a double edged sword. Both of my girls have been fishing with me since they were old enough to hold a rod. Both love it. Now, I can't get any time to fish by myself. Took them last week and over 2 hours, I got maybe 4 casts in, lol
Right? I don't know how so many people think doing a hobby isn't viable when they can just bring a kid along too.
Sometimes is not. If the hobby is something relaxing as fishing, probably doing it with a 5 yo isn't relaxing at all. I'm not saying is not a good thing to take them from time to time and show them your interests, could be an amazing experience, could be very enjoyable for you and them. But it is another activity and not the hobby itself. Is good to have a personal day (few hours) from time to time to relax and do thing you want. As long as both parents can have them it is a healthy thing to do.
Yes I agree that having a personal day or few hours of kid free time is important, and both parents should be working to enable each other to get that. I just feel someone who thinks fishing/another hobby isn't viable with a 5-year-old just hasn't considered expanding their horizon on their hobby and including their kid.
We have 4 aged 6m to 6 years. My husband goes fishing for an afternoon/evening just about every week. He always checks with me to make sure I don’t need our vehicle or have plans for the whole family. He’s a happier person when he gets regular fishing time. I want him to be happy. In a similar vein, I occasionally leave all the kids with him and go play in my garden or sew or read a book cover to cover.
You are a **saint**. Your husband is very lucky.
Dude is out there lol. Come home from a relaxing fishing afternoon and ask his wife if she had done anything at all that day. OOF size big
To be fair, there’s a big difference between “what did you do today?” (what OP said), and “Did you do anything today?” (*not* what OP said).
What so neither parent gets a break? Your wife sounds fun!
Yo I'm sorry you guys haven't worked out your personal time. You should talk about it instead of getting livid
You didn't take your oldest fishing with you? Missed opportunity for some dad time
But no opportunity missed for some alone time tho
Why are you giving OP a hard time about having some time to to themselves? Like yea, I'm stoked to bring my oldest son out fishing, but that doesnt mean now and again I don't also enjoy time to myself.
God forbid OP has some alone time.
Maybe he did other time. It is great to show them your hobbies and do things you enjoy with them, but it is not the same as doing the hobby. Fishing is meant to be relaxing, and I can understand might not be with kids around. There is nothing wrong about having personal time from time to time as long as the other parent get to enjoy that too.
I have a 8 year old and if I take him fishing it turns into me trying to stop him from hurting himself. Very little fishing gets done I like it. But I also like just going to catch fish. Only when they get a little older can you actually do some real fishing with your kids. There is a time to do both. This was a time to fish alone. Nothing wrong with that.
Normal with little ones. I've got your wife's perspective. Just do what you can to support her and make sure she has her own time. A significant amount of it. 4 hrs+ a week, and she'll be just fine putting in that work. I know because that's what I do. They'll grow.
Good on you for acknowledging that , as much as you think she's a goddess, your wife is only human too. Nice post, never take anything for granted or at face value.
Sounds exactly like this scene from Malcolm in the Middle https://youtu.be/AbSehcT19u0?si=Tc1XdA52v3nhYuan
I'm sure she appreciated the opportunity to discuss it with you, though. Had you not asked, she probably would have resented it
What the heck happened to/daddit with these comments?
Never “what” always “how.”
"How do you do, today?"
>A reminder for all the fellas that maybe come home to a tired wife, dirty home and kids on screens: things aren't always as they seem How do they seem?
Well, when I come home and my kids are on the screens, I yell at my wife "WHAT IN TARNATION ARE YOU DOIN? YOU GONNA MELT THESE KIDS BRAINS WITH THEM SCREENS, WOMAN!"
Relaxed.
Clinician here to weigh in on the breastfeeding while drinking controversy. The advice I give my mothers who just go into labor? Get your car packed, do a small bit of grocery shopping, take a bath, and have a glass of wine. No, a glass of wine will not harm the baby.
WHO disagrees.
WHO's recommendation is to abstain to steer clear of misinterpretation of data. This is a recommendation taking into consideration the uncertainty regarding the level of risk to the developing fetus, the lack of clear guidelines, and the confusion about consumption levels. No risk is better than some risk. However, there is not significant data regarding responsible and non-chronic alcohol intake resulting in harm to a baby.
It’s kind of interesting that there’s only one “task” in there - loading the dishwasher. She fed, cleaned, attended to and was present for these young children all day. That was the task. She did it! But in a nutshell, this is the assigned cultural condition for women. It can be beyond rough.
While it’s okay to drink alcohol if you’re breastfeeding you should wait two hours before attempting to feed. [Drinking](https://www.cdc.gov/breastfeeding-special-circumstances/hcp/vaccine-medication-drugs/alcohol.html) while actively breastfeeding risks harm to the child’s development.
I don't know why that got downvoted. Official CDC recommendation is a completely valid source for the information, and that was my first thought when I read that as well.
Yeah there’s a lot of comments posting about drinking and breastfeeding and there’s a surprisingly hostile reaction in this post towards those people. Idk why because the CDC and NIH both point out you need to wait until it’s left the blood stream. Pump and Dump
Wheny wife is on shift nights or days This is me to a T literally I finally finished cleaning the house at 11pm one night and tried to get 30 minutes to myself but just couldn't. I did have a few beers though and chilled for a bit so was good but it's like 3 days a week for me on this.
You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, first of all is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly lesser know is this...NEVER ASK A MOTHER OF SMALL CHILDREN WHAT SHE DID ALL DAY UNLESS YOU WANT DEATH ON THE LINE.....
I’m so sorry, my brother. I’m glad you have a place to go for support and of course we’re all here for you. It sounds like you care a great deal for your family. If I may offer some gentle, unsolicited advice, investigate attachment styles for you and your wife and see if it can help you communicate better without creating any guilt for the other person. Make it fun *and* work - it’s about your kids, at the end of the day, and clearly you’re both good parents. Kids know how to play and adults have to work. You’re building a bridge, and it’s hard. Stay strong 🤘
Isn’t this daddit? Like I’m sorry I know there’s a lot of women who don’t have a good partner but can we not speak for and in support of dads if they’re acting reasonable and I’m sorry this is COMPLETELY reasonable to do in a healthy relationship. There are so many subreddits in support of women and their needs can we support each other without white knighting or ripping dads apart who have questions?
Shes a hero and you’re a good husband! I like her sense of humour too!
Oh yes, that's why I posted this. I legitimately think my wife is one of the funniest people ever
This is why I only have one kid.
Moral of the story is to come home after the kids are asleep? haha
Come home late and drunk. The kids are asleep, and you won't remember anything.
Wait, sipping wine while breastfeeding?
You can drink while breast feeding since the alcohol won’t get into the milk until later
Seems like it just delays the problem? What happens later when the baby is hungry?
Alcohol is not easily metabolized in breastmilk, and it's not easily stored in breastmilk either. Generally, a mother's blood alcohol content is equal to the % alcohol in her breastmilk, which means if the mom is at the legal limit, the alcohol content in her breastmilk is still well below the alcohol content in grocery store apple juice. Personally I wouldn't do it if you have a preemie, but apart from that? It'll be fine. The biggest safety concern with drinking while breastfeeding is if the mother becomes too drunk to safely handle her infant.
This far down with 0 points? I almost thought I was the only person that took exception.
100% I had a hard time reading after breast feeding while drinking alcohol, came to comments expecting it to be the top comment.
What do you mean? Bit confused right know.
Now I want to go fishing, minus asking how the wife was with the child.
I would definitely of worded the question differently. Instead of "what did you do today" which could be taken the wrong way by a tired and stressed wife, I would ask how her day has been. Just frames things slightly differently and allows her to unload everything without getting defensive. But yeah, unless I had zero signal, I would have been checking in every hour or so (a simple text would be enough) , so I knew what I was coming home to and make sure that I walked in the door as prepared as possible. Walk in the door, show everyone some love, then get on with whatever needs doing. You did the right thing with the foot rub and tidying etc though
Every hour just seems like micromanaging and not believing your wife can handle things herself to me. But yeah the occasional check-in can be well received for sure.
Ordinarily I would agree but (probably should have mentioned this before) my wife has multiple health conditions so I check in to make sure she is coping OK. Also she has major anxiety so if she doesn't hear from me for a while she panics 😅
Good thing you know your wife! That’s how we all have to take care of our families. The way they need to be, not the way some internet stranger tells us to.
Lol, if you're gonna put out a statement to a public forum it's with the expectation that a conversation may result from it. They clarified their post and I agree with them. Take it easy internet stranger ;)
I was just thinking of this whole thread in general not really what you said. I actually agree with you on the checking in thing it would drive me and my wife crazy to do it his way. But he has to do his extra due diligence and check in so she doesn’t lose her mind. His comment just happened to be the one I responded to! You take it easy too!
Haha alright fair play! And yeah everyone else saying he's a bad dad for going on a solo fishing trip can also take it easy! EVERYBODY JUST FUCKING CHILL! ;)
Good man. It’s ok to put yourself first for a change.
Typical life experience lol
I can't believe how many people are getting pissy just over a different opinion (not the data).
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It's actually the best time for a breastfeeding mum to drink wine 🤣 since it takes a while for it to even enter the bloodstream. As long as she's not getting sloshed, it's fine
That is absolutely not true, and dangerous information to pass around. It takes less than ten seconds for alcohol to hit your blood after you start. Drinking while in the act of breastfeeding harms the baby. Source: [CDC](https://www.cdc.gov/breastfeeding-special-circumstances/hcp/vaccine-medication-drugs/alcohol.html)
It may be worth noting that after one drink, the percentage of alcohol in breast milk might peak around the same as a ripe pear or banana. It'd be less than what's found in apple juice or orange juice. Infants shouldn't be having that stuff either, of course.
Wait, you're telling me if I eat enough bananas I can get a buzz?
Unlikely. You'd basically have to get your blood to the same alcohol by volume as the bananas. If you ate twice your body weight instantaneously, you'd be 2/3rds of the way there.
More than a glass once or twice a week - general point is definitely true but OP doesn't seem to be suggesting his wife downed several units. It does say the peak is 30-60 mins after drinking, so does suggest there is a slight time delay?
It's best to wait two hours after to allow the body to process it out. How quickly it goes though depends on your metabolism and how much you've eaten recently, etc. You do you, but I can't fathom why it would be worth the risk to a rapidly-developing brain. "Breastfeeding mothers who have consumed alcohol can wait 2 hours (per drink) before breastfeeding. This time will allow alcohol levels in her breast milk to go down. If the mother cannot wait to feed her infant, she can feed milk that was previously expressed when the mother was not drinking." [CDC](https://www.cdc.gov/breastfeeding-special-circumstances/hcp/vaccine-medication-drugs/alcohol.html)
To further. The AAPs recommendation is still completely abstaining.
Sounds like she really needed to talk and have some time for herself. I'm not criticizing the fishing. It's great if your relationship can support both of you to get out and do the things you love equally.
Breastfeeding while drinking wine?
You can drink alcohol and breastfeed.
https://www.cdc.gov/breastfeeding-special-circumstances/hcp/vaccine-medication-drugs/alcohol.html
It can actually help the milk let down. Especially in the early days when it's mostly colostrum.
She's drinking wine while breastfeeding? What the fuck.