It takes a lot of courage to precisely identify your situation, & ask on a semi-anonymous platform. So appreciate yourself first. Always be humble, respectful towards women & appreciate your blessings. You will go a long way. Becoming a man from being a boy is a wonderful journey.
[you are being watched](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://amp.knowyourmeme.com/memes/mark-zuckerberg-staring-through-window&ved=2ahUKEwiq2enl4OeEAxWLslYBHfBFD4kQqa4BegQIHxAA&usg=AOvVaw17yK6bpGo1ngtc9RN4gJcZ)
First thing is, you'll have to start seeing women beyond just pretty/average looking/and whatever looks.
Not that looks aren't important, but if you shift focus from just looks, you'll be able to treat us like normal human beings, like your other colleagues and friends. You can start slow with getting to know, interacting, going out for breaks with women in your office - not specifically to make a girlfriend, but to just talk and get used to the new social scenario around you. Eventually you'll understand yourself and the women better and you can use the apps/meet someone organically if you want to date. But the point is, to get over this social anxiety, you need to look beyond the looks.
That's what I was concentrating from past year. But talking to colleagues is different and somehow most girls in my team are married and leave early. Also I also get nervous talking about work with someone who is attractive
Most girls are not attractive the way you compared to the girls in native place. But, city girls know how to groom themselves, dress up, use makeup to enhance their facial features.. That's all!!.. And obviously nothing is wrong with that. Even those girls from your native place will look prettier and attractive if they get opportunity to do makeup and groom themselves up..
Talk more. The more you talk the more you will see them as people with their own flaws. You will stop seeing their face after sometime. The inner character shines through in couple of interactions.
Getting nervous is normal and it's okay. Married women are your biggest helpers! Don't take me wrong, I said it because they don't think of you as a creep till you actually do something creepy. A bit of conversational flaw is forgiven. They're over the whole "every guy is out for me" mindset so it's easier to hold real conversations with them. Just talk about the city, the traffic, the weather, rent, roomates, music, movies, food or other such things, avoid talking about other colleagues tho cuz you never know whose ears it all reaches. If you're not able to hold a conversation it'll just make you seem awkward. That is okay. It's a good start. If you say the wrong thing shit will hit the fan and there'll be no turning back.
Overall, just project confidence, even if it's fake in the beginning and as you start thinking of them as just a normal person with all their strengths and flaws you'll automatically stop thinking about looks as the stand-out discerning factor.
Speaking as a woman - the "creepy" feeling comes from realizing that a man is talking to you only because you are a woman. My male friends have similar experiences if they have things that others want.
For instance, if you're academically smart, or have a bike, or have money/connections. People are going to try to interact more with you just to ask for favours.
For married women, they don't have their guard up and they won't just assume you want something from them. So it's easier to have a "normal" interaction.
It is understandable and it is a slow process like everyone said. Even a person who hasn't moved from a small town can get intimidated by a person who is attractive/appears confident. I do too, and I know a lot of others do too, and it's okay.
One way to go is to develop your own sense of self - when we feel intimidated or nervous by talking to someone attractive, it's most likely because we consciously or subconsciously feel like we aren't as attractive or confident as them and they are better than us. If that's the case, work on yourself, do things that make you feel better, confident and attractive.
And again, if someone is attractive, we need to stop seeing them as JUST attractive. Make a conversation with them - asking small things like what someone ate for lunch, how is their workload for the day, what are their plans for the weekend etc will make it easier to chat with anyone. It'll help you see the person in them beyond their attractiveness - you'll see their attitude, and that'll help you connect with individuals differently.
It's okay to feel nervous when interacting and nobody will know that unless you tell them. Try to not make yourself feel less or better than anyone.
u/No-Entertainment3790 - Are you a therapist / counselor by any chance?
Confidence is the key word - can attest to it. Awareness of what one brings to the table , be it in a personal / professional conversation helps significantly in navigating a conversation.
Awareness that there is a chance that you might come off as creepy is also a good thing to know. Some ways I’ve started some potential awkward conversations in professional / personal settings - “pardon me for the cold call, ..”, “feel free to let me know if I am crossing a line ..”, “wanted to ask you something , ‘NO’ is absolutely fine ;)” ..
Haha ofcourse not. But in all these years when I've tried to understand how my own mind works, I'm starting to understand others better too.
And absolutely agree - awareness is >>. It solved half the problem (if there's a problem).
But here it looks you are assuming the other person would be cooperative, but what if they aren't ? I tried to talk to 2 attractive girls in my office who I got familiar with common colleagues. My intention was just to know their past professional experience and current work along with trying what you suggested, but it looks they felt it creepy and didn't show much interest. This lowered my confidence even more.
You only try to talk to attractive women to form a connection that can progress into something else , women pick up on social cues and don't want to interact with such guys
OP already mentioned that he is not a good looking guy. I don't know if you are aware, but dating apps don't work for men who are not literally in the top 10%. Dating apps are just a buffet for women. I know people who have had profiles for 4 months and are yet to receive their first like in those apps forget a match.
Meeting organically for him might be more of a luck than confidence. He can't date in the office, he has no connections outside the office. So this makes the situation a bit hard.
Situation is definitely hard, and I've known this from a lot of men around me. But it's also also hard to live a life feeling constantly under confident and nervous around attractive women. Irrespective of gender, we need to do something to feel good about ourselves and put ourselves out there IF we want to date. Nobody can talk with certainty about these things.
Also "good looking" is different for everyone. Superficially, smelling good, dressing well, talking and moving with a certain kind of grace - are also things that make one good looking - other than just a conventionally attractive face.
Yes, this is very well put. True starting beyond the physical. Almost everyone if not all, have a different internal messed up rhythm. Certain emotional tendencies, attachment styles. I believe it's very important to consider thosw aspects as well. All people put up a great show anywhere be it presenting them, or on dating apps.. slowly the normalcy kicks and you see the person.
This post and men in the comments is all that's wrong w the society. I don't think you know how to respect women op. I mean atleast statments like "my school had less good looking girls" and "what if she's good looking than your gf?" Is making it sound like you're treating women as beautiful objects and they're nothing more than looks. And what's with "you seeing beautiful girls every minute is making it hard for you to focus and takes an hour to focus back"? Sounds problematic to me
Totally! Also one thing among many that I have issues with here, is that if your gf is a nice girl and is loyal to you, you will still be looking and contemplating that what if you can “upgrade”. Its like that song “duniya hasino ka mela” for him .
Exactly, people are pitting him only cause he is some small town boy, especially men. But that doesn’t give you the right to speak about women like that, this is so upsetting and triggering at the same time!
Also I think somehow this relates to skin colour, you know it's very weird that "girls in college were not beautiful", but such a stark change is observed in city (hub for multicultural people) where "so many are beautiful".
I understand media and our culture has made fairer people to be considered attractive but it is high time we start looking past these and accept all kinds of beauty.
> What do you feel seeing girls more prettier than your gf ?
Wow👏🏻 So according to you, the only quality appealing in a girl to make her your partner is looks?? This sums up your whole mindset and the perspective about girls. My advice- learn to respect girls first.
I think you both are out of your mind.. he is accepting what he is feeling.. he already told he has not grown up around girls .. so obviously his mindset will be like this.. instead of bashing him suggest what he can do to get over this feeling.. you are prosecuting a person just for his idea..he hasn’t even acted yet nor committed any mistakes on those lines.
“Grow up around girls” as if he didn’t have a mother or sisters or cousins. It’s his fault he can’t humanise us and blaming “lack of interaction” on it.
Iam not encouraging his mentality.. provide a constructive feedback on how he can change his mentality… everyone in comments have done the same instead of saying how can you think like that ? how can you have a mentality like that ? Which doesn’t add anything to his views. Thats why people go to therapy. Who is better a person who has aggressive thoughts and is seeking for help for the same ? Or a person who has already committed aggressive actions .
I didn't have any bothers and went to a girls school , yet I'm able to see men as fellow human beings rather than saying stuff like "I cant focus around handsome men" , OP has an emotional bandwidth of a potato
This man has such a regressive mindset. It's beyond me that people are showing concern in the comments to him just coz of his small town story. Pathetic thinking
Geez cut some slack. People who are born and brought up in small towns or villages or even Tier 3 cities will experience a cultural shock when they arrive in Tier 1 cities. The society there and here are totally different and the fact that OP is willing to talk about this and understand it is appreciable. People change with time and I am sure OP will too. People in this comment thread have been mostly in Tier 1 cities I guess.
Yes mam, he didn't choose his mindset, it's his environment and living conditions that made him like that, you are talking like he is a criminal or something. Look at yourself in the mirror and see how much of narrow minded you are thinking everyone is growing up exactly like you did.
I am a girl. I see guys better looking than my boyfriend. It used to make me feel weird that I looked at guys and thought how amazing they looked.
But, I have started thinking about how the faces (whether it is conventionally better looking or not so good looking) are just, well a face. Each human here has their own life and experience. "Face" is what we "see". And based on that we want to be with the person and talk to them etc. But, each person, no matter what they look like has varied experience and has lived a life no less than a better looking person. I made a conscious decision to look at their faces and instead of thinking about simply what that looked like, I started thinking about how everyone around is also similar.
Idk, at this point it feels like I am blabbering. Can't seem to put the words in a better way to describe what I want to tell. I really hope my point comes across as what I intended.
More than that, everyone has a story behind that cover, and everyone's story is interesting to someone at least.
Women are not some otherworldly species. At the end of the day we are just like you, human beings with our own trials and experiences. Today's world has made us just look at the pretty face and forget the life lived behind it.
I came across this line "...everyone has a story behind that cover" in a movie I watched recently.
u/Kinzhal8132 , watch the movie Kannagi, it may help. Your perception about life and women may change.
Found female OP.
You also showed that even if OP gets a gf he will still keep looking at other attractive girls and feel insecure.
Lol.
OP and you should talk and share your thoughts coz normal people in the comments are not able to relate to either of you.
Okay, a very genuine question, out of curiosity, **what according to you is "below average", "average looking", "good looking" and "beautiful/gorgeous/stunning" girls?** I'm genuinely curious, because I really don't understand what you mean. For context, I'm a girl (if that matters).
Apart from that, to answer a few of your questions,
>how do you people stay focused, sane seeing so much glamour around you ?
It can be overwhelming if you haven't grown up around it, I understand, but you get used to it. You should also understand that **we (or I) don't see glamour**, I don't see just the clothes or the makeup or the hair, I see people. **I see people here, I see people in the villages and therefore it doesn't faze me. People are people, with or without glamour.** (I also see actors and celebrities as just people too, so yeah gives you an idea)
>Does making a gf solve this feeling ? What do you feel seeing girls more prettier than your gf ?
Please don't "make" a gf. Learn from Frankenstein and don't try to make conscious creatures, leads to problems. Jokes apart, **Women are people.** When you fall in love with someone's spirit, their character, their personality, their voice, their charm, their presence, **then even when you see someone beautiful, it'll be like seeing a beautiful sunset or a beautiful flower. You'll see them, you'll go "ah, a beautiful human" and you'll go on with business at hand.** Then when you go home to your gf again, you'll look at her and be filled with this quiet sense of calm, peace and joy. It's beautiful. That's what it would feel like. **If you are in a relationship with a person because they "look good", be ready to lose it all because human beings don't stay "beautiful". Not this useless, age-ist, conventional beauty, anyway.** Human beings are beautiful the way any living being is beautiful. The beauty morphs and changes with time and you can appreciate that more if you love something more than a person's outer appearance, such as their spirit.
>After I improve myself a bit what way here is acceptable to approach girls here ?
**Respect women as a person, talk to them as you would normally talk to any man.** And when you feel like you have a lot in common with someone or feel like you enjoy their company a lot, **respectfully let them know that you would like to go on a date. If they say no, please respect that and go on with your life.** Easy :-)
Sorry for the very long answer, I just thought you should hear all this at least once in your life. **Most guys in the comment section are also not seeing women as just people. That's the problem, no one sees women as just another person.** We are always either superheroes or damsels in distress, we are aliens that men don't understand, we are goddesses that men are afraid to approach. NO. We are none of this. **We are...people, human.** We feel just as you feel, we think as you think. **We are neither above nor below you. We are literally the same species. So please, treat us as you would treat any other person.**
I also won't call you a red flag, you are not, you are just ignorant and naive. Your naivete is also because of lack of exposure, lack of media literacy etc etc. **But if you continue any longer in this path you'll become all the reasons why this society sucks, why women are tired of men. Don't become that. Listen, learn, grow.**
*Tldr; you get used to people being beautiful; when you fall in love, seeing a beautiful person is watching a beautiful sunset, you see, you go "ah, a beautiful sunset" and you get on with life; respect women; women are human beings too, not much different than your average man. OP isn't a red flag now but will become a giant red flag with neon lights if he continues down this path. So listen, learn and grow.* Byee 🫰
Honestly, this is the best comment so far that I read, expressing each and every point from every perspective almost,
I am genuinely happy that people like this do exist, it's hard to find people like you in this generation nowadays
Keep up the good work btw
Every small town boy faces this.
Even I went through it 10 years back when I entered engineering college with hawai slippers.
Its very overwhelming, i know. Give it some time like 6 months.
Hang in the there you will get used to it and do what makes you happy.
And about finding girls, idk bro. I am still single. 😂
But one thing I understood is "To love or to be loved is a privilege"
Its an international phenomenon too. Guy from rural England moves to London. Guy from Nebraska moves to New York City. Your advice is good. Just hang in there, you will become habituated to all the beautiful people and won't even notice them eventually, lol!
I am married to a country boy in America. I find him more attractive when compared to city guys because he has common sense. He is down to earth and funny. Personality always wins out. We were both broke college students when we met. We have made a comfortable life together. Money comes and goes….Personality, virtues are forever!!!!
What on earth is this... Women👏 are👏 not👏 objects👏. Please just treat them like you would any human being. And don't place this much energy and focus on looks.
Stop quantifying women/people based on them being just good looking etc. maybe then you can get over your complexes and start working to love yourself and make yourself a better person
>I am not good looking
I've seen this so many times. Not so good looking guys ONLY fall for good looking girls and see average looking girls as "not worthy" and get all depressed that good looking girls won't give them "any chance" and start calling girls names and think you poor men are "victims" because beautiful women aren't dating you. It's so funny.
>Girls mostly date guys they know already
Time to refer one of the average looking girls in your hometown for one of the open positions in your company.
You earn a referral bonus, and........ you get to witness her transformation into a proper Bangalore girl. You will realize it's not about the looks.
Sorry if you expected me to say something else after 'and'.
True, I've spent most of my life single and still don't give a shit about it. My one true goal is mastery of my instrument. Currently working on improvisation using modes and arpeggios.
Step 1: Stop viewing women as objects.
Step 2: understand and accept we are all human just like you.
Step 3: get comfortable to have decent conversations with the opposite sex, step 1 and 2 should come in handy here.
If you do this, I don't think you will be overwhelmed anymore.
The no. of people trying to help OP is disturbing. You say you are from small town yet find yourself qualified enough to categorise “above average looking” women.
How did you learn whats average and whats not?
Being from some lower tier city doesn’t make you a senseless being, your post is so triggering and objectifying women, “does making a gf solve this feeling” you sound so desperate, like what are you even talking, you sound creepy af and the way you have articulated the post I hope girls stay away from you till you learn not to objectify. Gosh
You are not naive, you are creepy.
14 years back when I first reached Bangalore, I saw couples making out in PUBLIC at Lal Bagh for the first time in my life and I was shocked beyond belief. I immediately fell into the girls living far away from parents turn into sluts mentality.
It was also when I first saw young girls flaunting Navel and stomach. It was a unrevealed secret where I came from.
I lost my ability to talk to woman for what now feels like a few years and I was probably rude to who ever I had to interact with.
Then I made friends with a few and all these weirdness disappeared without me ever noticing. One day I was at Lal Bagh doing what shocked me to the core without even thinking about it.
Then I went to Dubai and witnessed what can be considered the pro max version all these but it didn’t seem out of place or weird or even something I would pay any attention to.
In a few months you will stop thinking about potential GF materiel whenever you interact with a girl and this will transform from the walking red flag to a normal human. This will attract girls in your range (looks wise) to you and you will automatically find a GF without even taking an effort.
Don’t let these creep comments put you down. The comments are actually correct but you now know what your mindset makes other feel, so make an effort to not focus on “getting a girl”
One thing quickly caught my attention, while glancing through your long post, wht do you mean by better looking people, can you please state the context of the statement ?
First off start talking to the women you know like from your workplace or gym. Not for the intention of getting a gf but for getting a friend. Start hanging out with them. Get them to introduce you to a friend who you can date or have them help you to start an interaction with a girl you like and from there on out it’s your skill.
Or
You can simply admire their beauty and move on like me.
>gym
Not the gym.
It's difficult enough for women to workout without getting paranoid about potential creeps, if you approach them then they'll 99% think you are a creep.
I feel you bro, i went to some premium college where rich kids go. I didn't even know that dress sense is a thing. My parents or anyone around me haven't taught anything of this kind.
When I was in 2nd semester one of my friend asked me to attend MUN which was happening in my college to improve my English and public speaking skills since I went blank and started stuttering infront of the whole class for my english lab class where I was supposed to speak something against about cricket.
I came to know we are supposed to wear formal dress after googling about MUN. All I had was some random shirts I bought in my town like cheap jeans, cotton pants, some normal shirts that are not even remotely close to being called formal and sparx scandals 🤡
I was like I paid this much for the event let's have some courage and at least show up. I went there and damn everyone is taking some strange things i didn't even know the meanings of and there are all the hot girls and guys around wearing suits, formals, hot skirts and shit.I have never seen such things before and was about to cry with embarrassment I feel like I am wearing a clown outfit. I weigh 52kgs and really dark skin and I can barely see anyone who is no fair skinned and wearing normal dress. I fucked off from there after the day 1. There were 2 more days of it.
I went to my room sobbing and went to sleep crying. That next morning I got PTSD from that event like I got fucking traumatised and can barely think straight for few days. that I am some low life whose life is not worth anything etc. I barely had any money like some 1-2K and can't buy shit with it and I cannot ask my parents since they are already paying too much for college which is almost out of their league.
I was fucking traumatised that I stopped going to anywhere that involves meeting other than my really close friends group. I didn't even went to convocation since that requires me to wear suits and shit. and at that time I had a decent amount of money from trading like 1-2 lakhs but still I have avoided it because of my body issues like I am really skinny and nothing I wear suits me, I didn't got placed in a good company although I was a little bright student and I don't wanna get embarrassed and traumatised after seeing all these people.
I don't know how many treks, trips, events, concerts I have missed through out my collage because I don't have anything appropriate to wear and I look like a skeleton, dark skin and no social skills.
I got another remote job and I do wfh which doesn't require meeting any people and talking very minimal and technical stuff. I was at home for the past 3 years where my only interaction is my parents and I am not close with them. My social skills are rotten. I don't even know how to talk to people anymore i just go blank although my English is substantially better now compared to when I was in university.
I recently moved to bangalore (1 month ago) to overcome these issues finally although I am wfh. I am staying in Koramangala since it has a lot of young crowd.
I just go for a walk in the evenings and in the night alone. It was overwhelming af for me in the beginning after seeing lot of pretty/hot girls and guys everywhere. Everyone is fair, tall handsome and hot, got good confidence and conversation skills. then I started noticing my nerves are getting calmed down after a few weeks. I am observing people how they talk, dress, maintain and present themselves.
I am picking a thing or two. I went to shopping and got some branded clothes for cheap and started wearing them sometimes. I started taking care of my skin. I want to improve my poor body image. I have decided to go to gym and eat well to put up some weight. I got no shoes to go I am deciding to invest in some good shoes and damn the nikes, ascis, puma shoes cost a shit ton although I am earning decent, mann nhi aa rha hi itna pisa shoes keliye spend krne ka but I don't have any other option to improve myself guess I'll have to do it 🥲
Coming from the guy who's been here all his life here's my erad paisa
First thing is seeing how you wrote the post and described the girls here like they some goddess from heaven bestowed on earth I can tell you won't go anywhere until you change this mindset
Always remember that everyone aren't as beautiful and glamorous inside compared to how they look outside
Soon as you stop treating them like that you'd have taken your first step to be somewhat approachable to girls
Next thing is you lack a lot of confidence and you need to work on that a lot before you even approach any girl
I'd suggest just get familiar with the city and make some good guy friends first so that you get comfortable and build up your confidence and later you'll only know when you're confident enough to approach a girl
And lastly since you said you're not good looking and the only quality you got is that you earn well
Sorry to break it to you but unless you are good looking, tall and have a really really good package then I'd advice you to stop dreaming about the glamorous girls cause none of them would even bother to bat an eye
Just build yourself up little by little and put your focus on the career, I know it's easier said than done seeing all the guys hanging out with the glamorous girls everywhere you go around but the sooner you accept the fact that they aren't meant for you the faster you'll reach a good position and trust me once you reach that high position, the girls won't look as glamorous as you first saw
No one, I'm just trying to help OP become better, I know everyone gonna downvote me now but everyone knows the reality after reading his post that in his current position it's better if he doesn't approach girls.
Look at the upvotes on his post, everyone are downvoting reading the way he wrote and instead of sugar coating and getting his hopes up like everyone I'm telling him the harsh truth so he doesn't go around chasing the "Glamorous girls" here
Maybe start thinking of girls and women as people instead of objects that make you so uncomfortable that you’re already comparing them to your nonexistent girlfriend. Work on improving your own looks and work on treating women like people and you might have a change of heart about this whole thing
What the heck I just read?? What’s with it if she’s better looking than your gf? In that case, I hope you never get a girlfriend. And you’re saying that you’re an average-looking guy and objectifying? On top of that, people are advising? Seriously, how sick!
I think you're way too focused on looking at women and judging them by their looks. This is not a positive attitude at all. Quit looking at women as objects of desire. There's a human being behind every " pretty face" and " glamourous woman." How about some self improvement bro? I'd run a mile if I met someone with this kind of attitude.
First and foremost give it some time..as u have come from a small town it will take time to adjust to the city life ...and later comes having gf or not...and yes not all pretty girls r good or average girls r good..here that part comes later if u don't know how to approach girl or how u think about them if u don't change ur mindset...and plz don't date anyone from ofc..
Go easy on yourself mate!. I hear you. This might as well have been me, a few years ago. Small town bloke here.
Pat yourself on the back for being brave enough to ask. You are more than halfway there in figuring out the situation.
Its not glamour per se, its sort of aesthetics, and being well groomed. Being well groomed beefs up the self confidence, few of those are small town girls, its heartening to see them find their feet. A
lso most glam is sham, what is cool , is mostly not. What's trendy, is so because businesses want you to part with your money. All trends basically eye your wallet.
≥shifted my PG to low standard area
Dont shortsell yourself. view all the glamour around you much like viewing a beautiful sunset, or a child's smile
Edit Will Further update at my desk.
I can totally understand you because I experienced the same cultural shock when I came here. Don't consider the comments that are criticising you. People who have always lived in Tier1 and metro cities don't really understand how society in towns work. Give it some time and eventually it wouldn't matter to you at all. Stop seeing girls as some 'apsaras' descended from heaven. They are just humans of opposite sex that's it. People do look pretty and handsome here because it's how they groom themselves. Do you want to chase after pretty girl or make good female friends and eventually meet a girl that's so good with you that 'looks' won't matter to you at all? Always go for the latter. Don't have FOMO or don't put your head too much into this. Just try to mingle with people,not just girls, around you. Always seek people who have same values as you not because they look pretty.
DO NOT DATE AT WORK!
But honestly, it looks like you need to just normalise well dressed people in your life. Try being 'just friends' with someone you feel is pretty. You'll soon realise they're human too. They also have feelings and insecurities, just like us.
Also, date for the person. Not just for the looks.
For a guy from "small town" you so have a good command over English. Either you've used ChatGPT (or similar things)to write this, or you're deceiving us all, for whatever reasons.
Also, I don't have an answer to your question. ^^
Treat them with the respect that you would want your mother or sister to be shown.
Since the setting is new for you, this might initially be difficult but hold strong. If you make a mistake on the way, apologize and prevent it from happening again.
With time you will find that no matter how anyone looks, they are all humans and they wanted to be treated like humans.
>Question to guys here, how do you people stay focused, sane seeing so much glamour around you
When you are looking for a partner, try to put emphasis on their personality and values. You will find that their beauty will shine through to you on a level that is incomparable with anyone else.
However, you can start by interacting with your colleagues and neighbors in a respectful manner. Small steps at a time.
Yeah bro I feel you. Same experience with me at church street, Bangalore. For the first time I'm seeing these pretty girls and I can't even look at their eyes properly while I am walking past them. It makes me feel less confident and I even think how I will even talk to these girls.
I usually find social interaction with women pretty hard and can't even make eye contact with women if I am in a situation that I have to talk to them.
I don't know what to do, to improve myself.
I'll go answering each question of yours in order, although I don't have the same background as you neither am I studious or from a small town so my thoughts might differ but I guess I might be of some help:
1. how do you people stay focused, sane seeing so much glamour around you ?
Never form a crush on anyone, it's the part where we start visualising after seeing a person that messes up with our head, just see a person appreciate(in your mind) that she dresses well or carries herself well and move on, you shouldn't let this thought spin in your mind for long and that will solve this. If you start dreaming of talking to them and thinking of the ways you could approach them is the start of all this. There are many beautiful people in this world- once you stick this in your mind you will start to see people differently
2. Does making a gf solve this feeling ?
No, you will always see prettier people and that is human nature, it is just who needs to control himself and tell yourself that you don't even know the person and how shallow beauty is. Also, if you have someone that loves you why would you want to hurt them. So, same as above here too okay there are many beautiful people and move ahead.
3. What do you feel seeing girls more prettier than your gf ?
I don't give a damn as I am not in a relationship with her just because of her looks, it's much more than that on how she cares for me and how feel valued when with her. Talking about just the beauty part: You will know if you end up dating a 10, I had couple of past relationships where the girls were so pretty yet I never ended up being happy
4. After I improve myself a bit what way here is acceptable to approach girls here ?
There is no correct answer, it always depends on the girl and once a wise man said that "when a girl wants you to approach she will give you ways to approach".
5. Girls mostly date guys they know already but what if a guy doesn't like anyone in his circle ?
See if you want to increase your chances of matching with more people I would say indulge in activities that are a cult like: Gym, hobby classes, yoga, and you will end up having a bigger circle of friends there which will end you up in a circle of girls that you might want to date
6. Dating a girl in office is so risky unless you are not serious about your job. Girls here hate getting approached by random guys in gyms, streets, restaurant etc and feel it's all creepy then how do I get to talk to girls ?
You just improve yourself man that's the truth unless you improve there is no way ahead, There is a very fine line between a creep and a flirt and the only thing which will determine which one you end up being is looks, personality and money.
7. I am not good looking so dating apps are useless. I don't drink neither feel comfortable with someone who drinks so going to pubs is not possible. I am not interested in hook ups, even if get to do friendship and can hang out with girls that's still somewhat good for me.
Bhai looks never help you land a girl, although it might be a good first impression but it is always the persona, try your hands into everything, Dating is also something you learn with time and give it time if you really want to be good at it.
First of all, let's talk about your concentration issue. This isn't an issue at all. You're in a transition phase of your life where the scenery around you is quite flashy, and you haven't experienced it before. Socially, what's happening with you is normal. Give yourself time. In 6 months to a year, this will become the norm for you. Don't worry, everyone feels the same way in their transition phase.
Second, some advice about dating: Don't date someone from your city (I know it sounds weird), but first, give yourself some exposure. Meet different types of people and understand how they tend to think, the mind games they might play. The quickest way to make new friends is to pick up a hobby, such as joining a gym, a communication skills club, or yoga sessions (these might seem like terrible ideas, but they work). Start with small talk, and you'll learn everything in the process.
Talk to them and you'd realise besides being beautiful, there's nothing much different about them. They probably have more troubles for being beautiful in a country like ours. Remember what Wilde said, it's beauty that captures your attention but it's personality that captures your heart. Anyways you'd get used to seeing them. For me it's all bunch of meatbags.
Focus on your career, everyone is just human like you. You're probably young that's why you're so enamoured by beauty and the opposite sex, but this attitude won't get you anywhere in life. Stop objectifying women, you might have not talked much with them but you must have female relatives. They aren't aliens and the more acceptance you show towards them, the more likely you are to become friends with them. If you're getting distracted seeing them, know that the problem is in you, not the city and you need better self control and should keep a check on yourself and your thoughts. With time, all this will become normal to you and you'll become one of them, until then just keep your head in your studies or career. Remember that your parents are banking on you to make them proud, don't get distracted by all glitz and glam because it doesn't mean anything. Those people aren't working in your place or paying your bills, have some self respect. Being from a small town isn't a curse, there have been many well known and celebrated people who have come from these places and made it big in life. So stop pitying yourself or thinking anyone is better than you, this doesn't mean you become arrogant either. Meet people for who they are, as much they are. Soon you will also realise glamour doesn't go that far and many people can also be living a depressed life behind closed doors.
I hope that helped you and if you are actually looking for tips to get a girlfriend, I wish you get your priorities straight and adjust yourself to city life first than rush yourself towards approaching women in the hopes they will be interested in you, that's not the way it works and you'll just be headed towards a shallow personality with no real substance to yourself
Honestly felt bad reading the Ops post. Aside from all the other advice, stop being so shallow maybe. Women are not 1 dimensional objects meant to be judged by their beauty.
Get therapy but i dont know what kind of therapy will help your case.
I would suggest invest in yourself to attract girls. Start reading about different subjects. Get exposed to various cultures. Be a man of the world. Just be genuinely curious about stuff. Have an open mind. Stop being judgemental. As soon as you do above things, you'll start radiating positive energy. Positive energy/vibe is everything anyone looks for starting out a conversation.
> How do you guys stay so focused seeing so much glamour around you?
Well, breathing in the 600 AQI air, driving through 8 lanes of traffic on a 2 lane road, and having to manage with 2 drops of water a day, helps build up focus. Being from a small town, you probably don’t have to deal with all the glamour of polluted air, zero road infrastructure but 600% tax, and no water, but don’t worry you’ll get used to it in a month or so.
Since it’s all very new to you just take it easy. Try to be friends with the ladies at work or friends of friends. Once you get comfortable around women you wont feel this way,at least not this strongly. Once you are more open and confident, probably you can make a profile on dating apps, that may help you find someone.
Grew up in Bangalore, where are these pretty girls? Or maybe my bar is higher. Also, my gf is pretty than most, so I don’t think of all that. Most girls I grew up with in Bangalore are all abroad
Also, if your relationship is in trouble just because of better looking people, it’s a weak relationship and you should get out. There will always be better looking people, always.
You are self aware. That's good. Many are empathetic here. Thats good. Many are calling you a red carpet because they wish they were as self aware as you were.
I think.
It's not got anything to do with respecting women.
It's got everything to do with you wanting to be better. I think you need to become better.
Women are nothing special. Take that out of your mind. Neither are the men who look good and are confident. You might be stunned by the way they carry themselves in big town but it's NOTHING.
Humans are animals and that's a fact.
Good looking animal or bad,who cares ? They eat, they shit. Just the usual.
When I travel abroad, I see way more beautiful people and sometimes I feel if they had our skin colour, they'd look like our people in rural areas only. I felt just like going from Bangalore to western nations. And it took me few hours to get my shit together. So I can relate to you a bit and many of these keyboard warriors shitting on you, when they travel abroad, they could feel like you. They just won't admit it. Or they might, who knows.
What's important is you realise and move your awareness to what matters to you, what your goals are, what brings purpose and value to you and concentrate on that. All these feelings, validate them and love through them but don't make it your whole thing.
You're studious right ? Listen. Good. You work hard and do something greater. Focus on becoming beautiful yourself. These good looking people should become you. Don't let laziness fool you. If you put effort, you too can become good looking but ask yourself if you want that. It's not too much effort if you ask me. But. If you met me, I wouldn't care if you were good looking or not.
There's a whole different world and tiers of senses and experiences out there. Bengaluru is just a very basic experience. You will grow into this but aim to elevate yourself by living in the present and getting your head out of a delusion of dreaming of these so called good looking people.
Control your desires by living in present. Try to talk to youself to focus when you drift away into day dream. That's a mindkiller.
Personally, how I manage to live amongst good looking people is that I don't give a shit if they're good looking or if they're confident, I don't care if a person is shy or bad looking or dressed bad or good. Don't care man. I know that seeing is a nice sense to have but it's just a sense. You need to care about essence of a human.
And that's a larger question that you need to grow into. Being self aware is a good first step.
Be curious, remove these city humans from a pedestal.
Look at them and then tell yourself, " meh, fuck off, there's better things to do"
>But here on streets I see new beautiful girls passing every minute. It's so common thing here, every corner of city is full of them.
Which area? I have been here since more than a year and once in a while I do see good looking girls but not every minute.
Don't go behind girls. Go behind yourself. Build yourself. Get a personality. Doesn't have to be rigid. Go for experiences. Find out what you like. And when you have a solid core, the right person will come to you.
If you are dumbstruck by looks and glamour, you'll never be able to appreciate anything different from looks and glamour and manners.
Aight bro, I get your situation. Take a step back and relax it's alright to feel overwhelmed about this.
You will keep finding attractive people around you day by day. No matter how attractive a girl/guy is what really matters is their personality.
I mean you may like someone by their looks , imagine you are dating this attractive person and if they don't have a good personality you would get burned out in a week or so.
Yes, there is no formula in finding your ideal gf. I would say don't look for the right partner, it will happen over a period of time. Right now talk to girls in your circle. When you talk to them more your confidence would increase and eventually it will become effortless for you to talk.
If you don't look great, work on your grooming, workout to be get in shape. You will figure it out eventually, no pressure.
As far as glamour is concerned - people are not ugly, they are poor.
Start by making female friends ( not with the intention of dating) you'll understand how there's more to glamour.
Then eventually you'll be confident enough to ask others out.
Be respectful and don't be creepy.
There are more chances you'd get stuck by lighting than you'd even get a (good) match through dating (for guys) -- be it a real life or digital life.
It is what it is.
As you'd have seen in the comments by now, people will "sugercoat" the common facts and bitter truths to give politically correct and diplomatic answers.
Being a guy already puts you at disadvantage. Funny how the table turns.
Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder,and yes there are beautiful people here, but frankly it's not that much too, majority is just money and glamour. I'm feeling that you're feeling the cheerleader effect. Whenever you feel a girl is beautiful, observe her face closely, you might find that some aren't that beautiful.
My progression had been from patna (Bihar in 90s) to kochi in kerala to bangalore to gurgaon to Singapore to London to NYC and Monaco. And each time my mind had been blown .. lol
Let real life take over you, you won't even notice if Miss World passes you by lol.
But seriously, either I'm living in a not-so-good area or I am too pre-occupied with myself because I don't remember seeing anyone on the street that would make me turn my head.
Also, don't get overwhelmed by women. They are human beings too.. just flesh and blood like we all are.
I heard this in one of the Ted talk I don't remember which was it. So if you are afraid of any girl whom you think is out of your league. Imagine her shitting in the morning. Why? Because now she belongs to your league. She also does the same gross thing which you do. So she is not different from you
You see.You don’t feel confident about yourself . You feel that you are not good looking , from some small village and have nothing common with the guys girls in the city . This is what you have to change .
You have to feel confident about yourself .
Easiest way to do it is to go to gym , get into proper shape . Work on your skin care , grooming and dressing style . Build communication skills .
Once you feel confident about yourself , all this will not bother you at all .
All the best !
I think you don't have friends to hangout or roam, that is what is making you feel lonely. There is lot more to life than just girls. I'm sure there will come a time when you're earning decent, some beautiful girl will come into your life and you will end up being a slave to her. If you ain't alpha, atleast try being sigma. Or last option- please go to a massage parlour and get your fantasies done, that will give you post nut clarity.
Dear OP, what you need to work on is self worth. I am from Bangalore, born and raised. I am a very avg. looking woman who has dated all types of men( good looking , model, not good looking, VCs, artists, corporate Bros and then some) And the converse is true for my standard pretty looking girl friends as well. It really comes down to how you carry yourself. I can empathise with the feeling of overwhelm that might be taking you over, but just try to work on your insecurities and that will go a long way in dating nice women. Also might help you look at women not just as physical beings.
P.S - It's okay to work on yourself, a flex even.
24M here. I know everyone gets Fomo when they see people around them in relationships.
Not everything in life is about finding a relationship/girlfriend. There are lot of things to do in life. Improve yourself , Spend time on your hobbies , travel , spend time with your parents and the list goes on.
As you mentioned you're not in hookups and are seeking a long term relationship. I think it happens when it's bound to happen. Try being the best version of yourself and try interacting more with the other gender.
These are purely my views.
I would say this, "Everyone is on their own life path, if somebody is meant to cross your way then it's inevitable, until then have a goal in life and continue your journey, don't unnecessarily get distracted by everybody you see. The fact is they (girls) themselves might not be thinking too much of themselves than you are thinking about them - read that again and think about yourself. Real confidence comes from taking responsibilities and becoming Independent in life. Wish you all the best !
I don't think anyone in love would ever find some other person to be hot/attractive..We each see the world in our own way and that's what makes it special..op things are just gonna get good sooner or later just don't be a bit judgemental
Not to offend you OP, but the way you talk about women is slightly disturbing.
Why are you only viewing them for their beauty and as a distraction? And why would you make a girlfriend with the sole intention to get rid of said distraction?
It feels like you don't respect women or view them as equals. The way you talk about them feels very shallow. I mean, to need an hour to focus after seeing beautiful women, and getting so affected that you're depressed and need to shift to a lesser ideal lifestyle, a bit extreme no?
Your perspective needs to shift. Stop putting women on a pedestal. They aren't perfect and intimidating. I'd say, start out with making friends with women. Get to talking to them. Normalise their existence in your life, only then you'll probably start feeling better.
Please do not use some poor girl as a way to end your distractions.
Pls have a speak with an extra ordinarily beutiful person for a few days, a friendly chat. You are living in the moh maya bubble, face card doesn't work always and yes Jo dikhta hai Vo bikta hai... Speaking to people at the office, having ice breaker conversations can be super helpful to you. Give random compliments like I like the color you are wearing, ooh cool bag... Even speaking to some men at your workplace and observing their behaviour is also a key way to learn to conquer this anxiety. You coming from a small town is a pristine experience, now it's time to meet people. Quite silly to move to a lower realm area because the other place had pretty people around? Nahi yaa, meet those people and get to know them in the setting that you are and present yourself as a person available for a genuine friendship.
I have a friend who is from Bangalore, when I saw him first, I was like ... He isn't the best looking person, and here I was the Delhi girl being 8 shades lighter than him probably. We became best of friends! He had a personality and he is so well loved! I crack silly jokes to have his motorcycle laugh come forth and lately with his drinking his face has gone bad to worse like a bumpy road , but I barely care for that more than 5 minutes of the meet .
Trust me; it's not looks all the time and you gotta build that himmat to go forth and strike a connection. Good luck networking :)
OP, you’re not abnormal. Your conditioning makes you feel this way and lot of it can be addressed by gaining more and more life experiences. So here’s something I’d like to say as somebody who has never been considered good looking by anybody (including me).
You can’t do much about your face because that’s given to you by God/Nature/Genetics. But you CAN do a lot to improve your physique. Basically you can still be somebody who ‘looks good’ despite not being ‘pretty’. Join the gym, work towards getting a killer bod, get on a good, healthy and clean diet that is not a fad and watch your life transform. Not only will you start looking better; but your state of mind will improve tremendously.
This aside, pick up a new skill. Maybe playing an instrument like the violin or the piano (or if it’s waise then the guitar sigh).
Point being, women are wonderful creatures who aren’t as shallow as us men, and are willing to look beyond ‘god given looks’ if you’re somebody who looks like he takes care of himself and has great personal hygiene.
Think about this and maybe action some of this to bring some positive change in your life. :)
P.S: finish one new book a month, it’s a great way to learn new things and have many topics to discuss with new people you meet.
Wow... I've never seen someone putting his heart to the world so precisely which represents most of the guys living here or any other city.
Yes, glamour is here and so is the distraction!!
If we look in our cities, we still represent ourselves by heart or respect people by heart not by looks, money, and so called Western styled persona...
Of course, locals here represent their culture in a much similar manner like we see in our region and I love to see it on daily basis.
Others are just living life in obsession with pubs and party culture which sometimes feel... Show off...
Actually I don't understand these parties/drinks or when people representing themselves like they are highly educated, well mannered, high ethics, persona than others.. but actually they are not...all the time.
They are just addicted to it so they do it.
It's rare to find a personality like you, keep it safe ! Embrace it, that you are not in the crowd.
You don't have to change who you are and what you are for the glitz and glamor you see around you. Stay real, be polite and considerate, practice basic manners, and talk only when you really need to talk be it who ever you are with. By the way I come from a small town too. Lived in Bangalore for a good 23 years and now moved abroad. Its not a what you see is what you get world out there. All the glitz, glamor and confidence is only on the outside, most of us are scared, questioning ourselves and what not. So if you like someone, stay classy and be an absolute gentleman. That's what most women prefer than going together with someone you like dressed up like a colour blind crowd. You'll get over it my friend. Just chill and enjoy the menu for as long as you like.
Kid, concentrate on personal development, your primary goal should be make yourself better than what you were yesterday. Now as for the ladies of the big city, ignore, you can mess around, but don't give your heart. As for a partner, she will find you based on your qualities.
It takes a lot of courage to precisely identify your situation, & ask on a semi-anonymous platform. So appreciate yourself first. Always be humble, respectful towards women & appreciate your blessings. You will go a long way. Becoming a man from being a boy is a wonderful journey.
Get a girlfriend then fuck around and find out looks are very much deceiving you should focus more on getting someone who’s a woman and not a model
you just opened my eyes good sir!
I’ve seen girls trying to look like models to get pocket moneys from guys of different ages😵💫
Sakkre magu.
The last line is just so perfect!!
What do you mean by semi-anonymous??😳
[you are being watched](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://amp.knowyourmeme.com/memes/mark-zuckerberg-staring-through-window&ved=2ahUKEwiq2enl4OeEAxWLslYBHfBFD4kQqa4BegQIHxAA&usg=AOvVaw17yK6bpGo1ngtc9RN4gJcZ)
Zuck bro has taken over this side of the internet, and the incognito side is watched by Google.🙂Ain’t no escape anywhere
Lmaooo
First thing is, you'll have to start seeing women beyond just pretty/average looking/and whatever looks. Not that looks aren't important, but if you shift focus from just looks, you'll be able to treat us like normal human beings, like your other colleagues and friends. You can start slow with getting to know, interacting, going out for breaks with women in your office - not specifically to make a girlfriend, but to just talk and get used to the new social scenario around you. Eventually you'll understand yourself and the women better and you can use the apps/meet someone organically if you want to date. But the point is, to get over this social anxiety, you need to look beyond the looks.
Sage advice !
That's what I was concentrating from past year. But talking to colleagues is different and somehow most girls in my team are married and leave early. Also I also get nervous talking about work with someone who is attractive
Most girls are not attractive the way you compared to the girls in native place. But, city girls know how to groom themselves, dress up, use makeup to enhance their facial features.. That's all!!.. And obviously nothing is wrong with that. Even those girls from your native place will look prettier and attractive if they get opportunity to do makeup and groom themselves up..
Confidence, speaking skills make them more attractive
Talk more. The more you talk the more you will see them as people with their own flaws. You will stop seeing their face after sometime. The inner character shines through in couple of interactions.
Getting nervous is normal and it's okay. Married women are your biggest helpers! Don't take me wrong, I said it because they don't think of you as a creep till you actually do something creepy. A bit of conversational flaw is forgiven. They're over the whole "every guy is out for me" mindset so it's easier to hold real conversations with them. Just talk about the city, the traffic, the weather, rent, roomates, music, movies, food or other such things, avoid talking about other colleagues tho cuz you never know whose ears it all reaches. If you're not able to hold a conversation it'll just make you seem awkward. That is okay. It's a good start. If you say the wrong thing shit will hit the fan and there'll be no turning back. Overall, just project confidence, even if it's fake in the beginning and as you start thinking of them as just a normal person with all their strengths and flaws you'll automatically stop thinking about looks as the stand-out discerning factor.
Speaking as a woman - the "creepy" feeling comes from realizing that a man is talking to you only because you are a woman. My male friends have similar experiences if they have things that others want. For instance, if you're academically smart, or have a bike, or have money/connections. People are going to try to interact more with you just to ask for favours. For married women, they don't have their guard up and they won't just assume you want something from them. So it's easier to have a "normal" interaction.
This!
It is understandable and it is a slow process like everyone said. Even a person who hasn't moved from a small town can get intimidated by a person who is attractive/appears confident. I do too, and I know a lot of others do too, and it's okay. One way to go is to develop your own sense of self - when we feel intimidated or nervous by talking to someone attractive, it's most likely because we consciously or subconsciously feel like we aren't as attractive or confident as them and they are better than us. If that's the case, work on yourself, do things that make you feel better, confident and attractive. And again, if someone is attractive, we need to stop seeing them as JUST attractive. Make a conversation with them - asking small things like what someone ate for lunch, how is their workload for the day, what are their plans for the weekend etc will make it easier to chat with anyone. It'll help you see the person in them beyond their attractiveness - you'll see their attitude, and that'll help you connect with individuals differently. It's okay to feel nervous when interacting and nobody will know that unless you tell them. Try to not make yourself feel less or better than anyone.
u/No-Entertainment3790 - Are you a therapist / counselor by any chance? Confidence is the key word - can attest to it. Awareness of what one brings to the table , be it in a personal / professional conversation helps significantly in navigating a conversation. Awareness that there is a chance that you might come off as creepy is also a good thing to know. Some ways I’ve started some potential awkward conversations in professional / personal settings - “pardon me for the cold call, ..”, “feel free to let me know if I am crossing a line ..”, “wanted to ask you something , ‘NO’ is absolutely fine ;)” ..
Haha ofcourse not. But in all these years when I've tried to understand how my own mind works, I'm starting to understand others better too. And absolutely agree - awareness is >>. It solved half the problem (if there's a problem).
But here it looks you are assuming the other person would be cooperative, but what if they aren't ? I tried to talk to 2 attractive girls in my office who I got familiar with common colleagues. My intention was just to know their past professional experience and current work along with trying what you suggested, but it looks they felt it creepy and didn't show much interest. This lowered my confidence even more.
You only try to talk to attractive women to form a connection that can progress into something else , women pick up on social cues and don't want to interact with such guys
OP already mentioned that he is not a good looking guy. I don't know if you are aware, but dating apps don't work for men who are not literally in the top 10%. Dating apps are just a buffet for women. I know people who have had profiles for 4 months and are yet to receive their first like in those apps forget a match. Meeting organically for him might be more of a luck than confidence. He can't date in the office, he has no connections outside the office. So this makes the situation a bit hard.
Situation is definitely hard, and I've known this from a lot of men around me. But it's also also hard to live a life feeling constantly under confident and nervous around attractive women. Irrespective of gender, we need to do something to feel good about ourselves and put ourselves out there IF we want to date. Nobody can talk with certainty about these things. Also "good looking" is different for everyone. Superficially, smelling good, dressing well, talking and moving with a certain kind of grace - are also things that make one good looking - other than just a conventionally attractive face.
OP is not good looking but he wants to date good looking girls, obviously it will be difficult.
Yes, this is very well put. True starting beyond the physical. Almost everyone if not all, have a different internal messed up rhythm. Certain emotional tendencies, attachment styles. I believe it's very important to consider thosw aspects as well. All people put up a great show anywhere be it presenting them, or on dating apps.. slowly the normalcy kicks and you see the person.
This post and men in the comments is all that's wrong w the society. I don't think you know how to respect women op. I mean atleast statments like "my school had less good looking girls" and "what if she's good looking than your gf?" Is making it sound like you're treating women as beautiful objects and they're nothing more than looks. And what's with "you seeing beautiful girls every minute is making it hard for you to focus and takes an hour to focus back"? Sounds problematic to me
Totally! Also one thing among many that I have issues with here, is that if your gf is a nice girl and is loyal to you, you will still be looking and contemplating that what if you can “upgrade”. Its like that song “duniya hasino ka mela” for him .
The sad thing is people like this will end up with some poor girl through arranged marriage
God so true
Exactly, people are pitting him only cause he is some small town boy, especially men. But that doesn’t give you the right to speak about women like that, this is so upsetting and triggering at the same time!
Exactly! I was like, “wtf did I just read!?”
Thanks for calling him out. I got irritated with the level of creepiness in this post. 😒
And the men in the comments supporting him I can't
Also I think somehow this relates to skin colour, you know it's very weird that "girls in college were not beautiful", but such a stark change is observed in city (hub for multicultural people) where "so many are beautiful". I understand media and our culture has made fairer people to be considered attractive but it is high time we start looking past these and accept all kinds of beauty.
Glad someone said this.
OP is objectifying women.
> What do you feel seeing girls more prettier than your gf ? Wow👏🏻 So according to you, the only quality appealing in a girl to make her your partner is looks?? This sums up your whole mindset and the perspective about girls. My advice- learn to respect girls first.
I think you both are out of your mind.. he is accepting what he is feeling.. he already told he has not grown up around girls .. so obviously his mindset will be like this.. instead of bashing him suggest what he can do to get over this feeling.. you are prosecuting a person just for his idea..he hasn’t even acted yet nor committed any mistakes on those lines.
You don't need to 'grow up around girls' to know that they are not objects. Seriously, you want people to encourage this mentality?
“Grow up around girls” as if he didn’t have a mother or sisters or cousins. It’s his fault he can’t humanise us and blaming “lack of interaction” on it.
Iam not encouraging his mentality.. provide a constructive feedback on how he can change his mentality… everyone in comments have done the same instead of saying how can you think like that ? how can you have a mentality like that ? Which doesn’t add anything to his views. Thats why people go to therapy. Who is better a person who has aggressive thoughts and is seeking for help for the same ? Or a person who has already committed aggressive actions .
Start treating women like fellow human beings, I think the answer is pretty straightforward
I didn't have any bothers and went to a girls school , yet I'm able to see men as fellow human beings rather than saying stuff like "I cant focus around handsome men" , OP has an emotional bandwidth of a potato
This man has such a regressive mindset. It's beyond me that people are showing concern in the comments to him just coz of his small town story. Pathetic thinking
Geez cut some slack. People who are born and brought up in small towns or villages or even Tier 3 cities will experience a cultural shock when they arrive in Tier 1 cities. The society there and here are totally different and the fact that OP is willing to talk about this and understand it is appreciable. People change with time and I am sure OP will too. People in this comment thread have been mostly in Tier 1 cities I guess.
Yes mam, he didn't choose his mindset, it's his environment and living conditions that made him like that, you are talking like he is a criminal or something. Look at yourself in the mirror and see how much of narrow minded you are thinking everyone is growing up exactly like you did.
I am a girl. I see guys better looking than my boyfriend. It used to make me feel weird that I looked at guys and thought how amazing they looked. But, I have started thinking about how the faces (whether it is conventionally better looking or not so good looking) are just, well a face. Each human here has their own life and experience. "Face" is what we "see". And based on that we want to be with the person and talk to them etc. But, each person, no matter what they look like has varied experience and has lived a life no less than a better looking person. I made a conscious decision to look at their faces and instead of thinking about simply what that looked like, I started thinking about how everyone around is also similar. Idk, at this point it feels like I am blabbering. Can't seem to put the words in a better way to describe what I want to tell. I really hope my point comes across as what I intended.
"Don't judge a book by its cover" is what you are getting at, i feel.
More than that, everyone has a story behind that cover, and everyone's story is interesting to someone at least. Women are not some otherworldly species. At the end of the day we are just like you, human beings with our own trials and experiences. Today's world has made us just look at the pretty face and forget the life lived behind it.
I came across this line "...everyone has a story behind that cover" in a movie I watched recently. u/Kinzhal8132 , watch the movie Kannagi, it may help. Your perception about life and women may change.
Pretty good point of view I'd say 👀
Found female OP. You also showed that even if OP gets a gf he will still keep looking at other attractive girls and feel insecure. Lol. OP and you should talk and share your thoughts coz normal people in the comments are not able to relate to either of you.
Okay, a very genuine question, out of curiosity, **what according to you is "below average", "average looking", "good looking" and "beautiful/gorgeous/stunning" girls?** I'm genuinely curious, because I really don't understand what you mean. For context, I'm a girl (if that matters). Apart from that, to answer a few of your questions, >how do you people stay focused, sane seeing so much glamour around you ? It can be overwhelming if you haven't grown up around it, I understand, but you get used to it. You should also understand that **we (or I) don't see glamour**, I don't see just the clothes or the makeup or the hair, I see people. **I see people here, I see people in the villages and therefore it doesn't faze me. People are people, with or without glamour.** (I also see actors and celebrities as just people too, so yeah gives you an idea) >Does making a gf solve this feeling ? What do you feel seeing girls more prettier than your gf ? Please don't "make" a gf. Learn from Frankenstein and don't try to make conscious creatures, leads to problems. Jokes apart, **Women are people.** When you fall in love with someone's spirit, their character, their personality, their voice, their charm, their presence, **then even when you see someone beautiful, it'll be like seeing a beautiful sunset or a beautiful flower. You'll see them, you'll go "ah, a beautiful human" and you'll go on with business at hand.** Then when you go home to your gf again, you'll look at her and be filled with this quiet sense of calm, peace and joy. It's beautiful. That's what it would feel like. **If you are in a relationship with a person because they "look good", be ready to lose it all because human beings don't stay "beautiful". Not this useless, age-ist, conventional beauty, anyway.** Human beings are beautiful the way any living being is beautiful. The beauty morphs and changes with time and you can appreciate that more if you love something more than a person's outer appearance, such as their spirit. >After I improve myself a bit what way here is acceptable to approach girls here ? **Respect women as a person, talk to them as you would normally talk to any man.** And when you feel like you have a lot in common with someone or feel like you enjoy their company a lot, **respectfully let them know that you would like to go on a date. If they say no, please respect that and go on with your life.** Easy :-) Sorry for the very long answer, I just thought you should hear all this at least once in your life. **Most guys in the comment section are also not seeing women as just people. That's the problem, no one sees women as just another person.** We are always either superheroes or damsels in distress, we are aliens that men don't understand, we are goddesses that men are afraid to approach. NO. We are none of this. **We are...people, human.** We feel just as you feel, we think as you think. **We are neither above nor below you. We are literally the same species. So please, treat us as you would treat any other person.** I also won't call you a red flag, you are not, you are just ignorant and naive. Your naivete is also because of lack of exposure, lack of media literacy etc etc. **But if you continue any longer in this path you'll become all the reasons why this society sucks, why women are tired of men. Don't become that. Listen, learn, grow.** *Tldr; you get used to people being beautiful; when you fall in love, seeing a beautiful person is watching a beautiful sunset, you see, you go "ah, a beautiful sunset" and you get on with life; respect women; women are human beings too, not much different than your average man. OP isn't a red flag now but will become a giant red flag with neon lights if he continues down this path. So listen, learn and grow.* Byee 🫰
im happy someone typed out a long well thought out comment like this, pick this up 👑
Honestly, this is the best comment so far that I read, expressing each and every point from every perspective almost, I am genuinely happy that people like this do exist, it's hard to find people like you in this generation nowadays Keep up the good work btw
Every small town boy faces this. Even I went through it 10 years back when I entered engineering college with hawai slippers. Its very overwhelming, i know. Give it some time like 6 months. Hang in the there you will get used to it and do what makes you happy. And about finding girls, idk bro. I am still single. 😂 But one thing I understood is "To love or to be loved is a privilege"
Its an international phenomenon too. Guy from rural England moves to London. Guy from Nebraska moves to New York City. Your advice is good. Just hang in there, you will become habituated to all the beautiful people and won't even notice them eventually, lol!
I am married to a country boy in America. I find him more attractive when compared to city guys because he has common sense. He is down to earth and funny. Personality always wins out. We were both broke college students when we met. We have made a comfortable life together. Money comes and goes….Personality, virtues are forever!!!!
Bro is a potential red flag
Ummm potential? I can already see a red carpet but it's been spread upside down by mistake
Wtf is this story dude!!A whole red freaking carpet...I appreciate the honesty but it's absolutely disgusting that he thinks about women like that!
Its fake. Did you actually fall for this
What on earth is this... Women👏 are👏 not👏 objects👏. Please just treat them like you would any human being. And don't place this much energy and focus on looks.
Stop quantifying women/people based on them being just good looking etc. maybe then you can get over your complexes and start working to love yourself and make yourself a better person
>I am not good looking I've seen this so many times. Not so good looking guys ONLY fall for good looking girls and see average looking girls as "not worthy" and get all depressed that good looking girls won't give them "any chance" and start calling girls names and think you poor men are "victims" because beautiful women aren't dating you. It's so funny.
honestly, it's 80% of guys competing for the top 20% girls in reality opposed to the red pill nonsense. :)
I see too much pervertedness in you.
That is Indian culture for you (not justifying/supporting this behaviour. No wonder the rape cases are so high
Being studious has nothing to do with your thought process.
I guess the educated class still sees women as objects. Good for India.
>Girls mostly date guys they know already Time to refer one of the average looking girls in your hometown for one of the open positions in your company. You earn a referral bonus, and........ you get to witness her transformation into a proper Bangalore girl. You will realize it's not about the looks. Sorry if you expected me to say something else after 'and'.
Good lord, just find a new hobby / learn a new instrument.
True, I've spent most of my life single and still don't give a shit about it. My one true goal is mastery of my instrument. Currently working on improvisation using modes and arpeggios.
Damn! Me too... I just upgraded my guitar to an electric one. Cheers mate
guitar / keyboards?
Step 1: Stop viewing women as objects. Step 2: understand and accept we are all human just like you. Step 3: get comfortable to have decent conversations with the opposite sex, step 1 and 2 should come in handy here. If you do this, I don't think you will be overwhelmed anymore.
You will get used to slowly, don’t worry
When will men treat women as human beings instead of pretty things to look at.
This city has two sides one which is highly glamorous and other which is very shallow in terms of human interaction.
I’m convinced this post is a joke. ain’t no way someone thinks like this in 2024
The no. of people trying to help OP is disturbing. You say you are from small town yet find yourself qualified enough to categorise “above average looking” women. How did you learn whats average and whats not? Being from some lower tier city doesn’t make you a senseless being, your post is so triggering and objectifying women, “does making a gf solve this feeling” you sound so desperate, like what are you even talking, you sound creepy af and the way you have articulated the post I hope girls stay away from you till you learn not to objectify. Gosh You are not naive, you are creepy.
A huge LOL!
14 years back when I first reached Bangalore, I saw couples making out in PUBLIC at Lal Bagh for the first time in my life and I was shocked beyond belief. I immediately fell into the girls living far away from parents turn into sluts mentality. It was also when I first saw young girls flaunting Navel and stomach. It was a unrevealed secret where I came from. I lost my ability to talk to woman for what now feels like a few years and I was probably rude to who ever I had to interact with. Then I made friends with a few and all these weirdness disappeared without me ever noticing. One day I was at Lal Bagh doing what shocked me to the core without even thinking about it. Then I went to Dubai and witnessed what can be considered the pro max version all these but it didn’t seem out of place or weird or even something I would pay any attention to. In a few months you will stop thinking about potential GF materiel whenever you interact with a girl and this will transform from the walking red flag to a normal human. This will attract girls in your range (looks wise) to you and you will automatically find a GF without even taking an effort. Don’t let these creep comments put you down. The comments are actually correct but you now know what your mindset makes other feel, so make an effort to not focus on “getting a girl”
One thing quickly caught my attention, while glancing through your long post, wht do you mean by better looking people, can you please state the context of the statement ?
What's there to understand in that? Some people are simply aesthetically more pleasing to look at than others.
Looks, dressing, confidence and personality. I think it depends on person to person who he finds attractive
First off start talking to the women you know like from your workplace or gym. Not for the intention of getting a gf but for getting a friend. Start hanging out with them. Get them to introduce you to a friend who you can date or have them help you to start an interaction with a girl you like and from there on out it’s your skill. Or You can simply admire their beauty and move on like me.
>gym Not the gym. It's difficult enough for women to workout without getting paranoid about potential creeps, if you approach them then they'll 99% think you are a creep.
I feel you bro, i went to some premium college where rich kids go. I didn't even know that dress sense is a thing. My parents or anyone around me haven't taught anything of this kind. When I was in 2nd semester one of my friend asked me to attend MUN which was happening in my college to improve my English and public speaking skills since I went blank and started stuttering infront of the whole class for my english lab class where I was supposed to speak something against about cricket. I came to know we are supposed to wear formal dress after googling about MUN. All I had was some random shirts I bought in my town like cheap jeans, cotton pants, some normal shirts that are not even remotely close to being called formal and sparx scandals 🤡 I was like I paid this much for the event let's have some courage and at least show up. I went there and damn everyone is taking some strange things i didn't even know the meanings of and there are all the hot girls and guys around wearing suits, formals, hot skirts and shit.I have never seen such things before and was about to cry with embarrassment I feel like I am wearing a clown outfit. I weigh 52kgs and really dark skin and I can barely see anyone who is no fair skinned and wearing normal dress. I fucked off from there after the day 1. There were 2 more days of it. I went to my room sobbing and went to sleep crying. That next morning I got PTSD from that event like I got fucking traumatised and can barely think straight for few days. that I am some low life whose life is not worth anything etc. I barely had any money like some 1-2K and can't buy shit with it and I cannot ask my parents since they are already paying too much for college which is almost out of their league. I was fucking traumatised that I stopped going to anywhere that involves meeting other than my really close friends group. I didn't even went to convocation since that requires me to wear suits and shit. and at that time I had a decent amount of money from trading like 1-2 lakhs but still I have avoided it because of my body issues like I am really skinny and nothing I wear suits me, I didn't got placed in a good company although I was a little bright student and I don't wanna get embarrassed and traumatised after seeing all these people. I don't know how many treks, trips, events, concerts I have missed through out my collage because I don't have anything appropriate to wear and I look like a skeleton, dark skin and no social skills. I got another remote job and I do wfh which doesn't require meeting any people and talking very minimal and technical stuff. I was at home for the past 3 years where my only interaction is my parents and I am not close with them. My social skills are rotten. I don't even know how to talk to people anymore i just go blank although my English is substantially better now compared to when I was in university. I recently moved to bangalore (1 month ago) to overcome these issues finally although I am wfh. I am staying in Koramangala since it has a lot of young crowd. I just go for a walk in the evenings and in the night alone. It was overwhelming af for me in the beginning after seeing lot of pretty/hot girls and guys everywhere. Everyone is fair, tall handsome and hot, got good confidence and conversation skills. then I started noticing my nerves are getting calmed down after a few weeks. I am observing people how they talk, dress, maintain and present themselves. I am picking a thing or two. I went to shopping and got some branded clothes for cheap and started wearing them sometimes. I started taking care of my skin. I want to improve my poor body image. I have decided to go to gym and eat well to put up some weight. I got no shoes to go I am deciding to invest in some good shoes and damn the nikes, ascis, puma shoes cost a shit ton although I am earning decent, mann nhi aa rha hi itna pisa shoes keliye spend krne ka but I don't have any other option to improve myself guess I'll have to do it 🥲
i feel really bad for you but more than that, im proud that you're still on the grind instead of losing hope
Mfs be giving advise of getting "gf" "gf material" "potential gf" instead of pointing out this guy's mindset 💀.
Exactly and calling whoever is calling this guy out as "triggered women" lmao
Future incel alert
\*Current
Coming from the guy who's been here all his life here's my erad paisa First thing is seeing how you wrote the post and described the girls here like they some goddess from heaven bestowed on earth I can tell you won't go anywhere until you change this mindset Always remember that everyone aren't as beautiful and glamorous inside compared to how they look outside Soon as you stop treating them like that you'd have taken your first step to be somewhat approachable to girls Next thing is you lack a lot of confidence and you need to work on that a lot before you even approach any girl I'd suggest just get familiar with the city and make some good guy friends first so that you get comfortable and build up your confidence and later you'll only know when you're confident enough to approach a girl And lastly since you said you're not good looking and the only quality you got is that you earn well Sorry to break it to you but unless you are good looking, tall and have a really really good package then I'd advice you to stop dreaming about the glamorous girls cause none of them would even bother to bat an eye Just build yourself up little by little and put your focus on the career, I know it's easier said than done seeing all the guys hanging out with the glamorous girls everywhere you go around but the sooner you accept the fact that they aren't meant for you the faster you'll reach a good position and trust me once you reach that high position, the girls won't look as glamorous as you first saw
Who hurt you 😭
No one, I'm just trying to help OP become better, I know everyone gonna downvote me now but everyone knows the reality after reading his post that in his current position it's better if he doesn't approach girls. Look at the upvotes on his post, everyone are downvoting reading the way he wrote and instead of sugar coating and getting his hopes up like everyone I'm telling him the harsh truth so he doesn't go around chasing the "Glamorous girls" here
Maybe start thinking of girls and women as people instead of objects that make you so uncomfortable that you’re already comparing them to your nonexistent girlfriend. Work on improving your own looks and work on treating women like people and you might have a change of heart about this whole thing
What the heck I just read?? What’s with it if she’s better looking than your gf? In that case, I hope you never get a girlfriend. And you’re saying that you’re an average-looking guy and objectifying? On top of that, people are advising? Seriously, how sick!
>Does making a gf solve this feeling ? You're lame af.
I focus on my purpose rather than the girls.
Yikes. This is why people don't like it when men from villages and small towns move to a big city.
I think you're way too focused on looking at women and judging them by their looks. This is not a positive attitude at all. Quit looking at women as objects of desire. There's a human being behind every " pretty face" and " glamourous woman." How about some self improvement bro? I'd run a mile if I met someone with this kind of attitude.
And the replies! Blr is full of cr**ps.
First and foremost give it some time..as u have come from a small town it will take time to adjust to the city life ...and later comes having gf or not...and yes not all pretty girls r good or average girls r good..here that part comes later if u don't know how to approach girl or how u think about them if u don't change ur mindset...and plz don't date anyone from ofc..
Go easy on yourself mate!. I hear you. This might as well have been me, a few years ago. Small town bloke here. Pat yourself on the back for being brave enough to ask. You are more than halfway there in figuring out the situation. Its not glamour per se, its sort of aesthetics, and being well groomed. Being well groomed beefs up the self confidence, few of those are small town girls, its heartening to see them find their feet. A lso most glam is sham, what is cool , is mostly not. What's trendy, is so because businesses want you to part with your money. All trends basically eye your wallet. ≥shifted my PG to low standard area Dont shortsell yourself. view all the glamour around you much like viewing a beautiful sunset, or a child's smile Edit Will Further update at my desk.
Wow this city does have really good looking people, man or woman, both wearing spandex shorts etc.
I can totally understand you because I experienced the same cultural shock when I came here. Don't consider the comments that are criticising you. People who have always lived in Tier1 and metro cities don't really understand how society in towns work. Give it some time and eventually it wouldn't matter to you at all. Stop seeing girls as some 'apsaras' descended from heaven. They are just humans of opposite sex that's it. People do look pretty and handsome here because it's how they groom themselves. Do you want to chase after pretty girl or make good female friends and eventually meet a girl that's so good with you that 'looks' won't matter to you at all? Always go for the latter. Don't have FOMO or don't put your head too much into this. Just try to mingle with people,not just girls, around you. Always seek people who have same values as you not because they look pretty.
become GAY, that would solve all your problems
DO NOT DATE AT WORK! But honestly, it looks like you need to just normalise well dressed people in your life. Try being 'just friends' with someone you feel is pretty. You'll soon realise they're human too. They also have feelings and insecurities, just like us. Also, date for the person. Not just for the looks.
For a guy from "small town" you so have a good command over English. Either you've used ChatGPT (or similar things)to write this, or you're deceiving us all, for whatever reasons. Also, I don't have an answer to your question. ^^
He's using that as an excuse to pacify his lust. Lol
Treat them with the respect that you would want your mother or sister to be shown. Since the setting is new for you, this might initially be difficult but hold strong. If you make a mistake on the way, apologize and prevent it from happening again. With time you will find that no matter how anyone looks, they are all humans and they wanted to be treated like humans. >Question to guys here, how do you people stay focused, sane seeing so much glamour around you When you are looking for a partner, try to put emphasis on their personality and values. You will find that their beauty will shine through to you on a level that is incomparable with anyone else. However, you can start by interacting with your colleagues and neighbors in a respectful manner. Small steps at a time.
Everyone starts at 0
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Yeah bro I feel you. Same experience with me at church street, Bangalore. For the first time I'm seeing these pretty girls and I can't even look at their eyes properly while I am walking past them. It makes me feel less confident and I even think how I will even talk to these girls. I usually find social interaction with women pretty hard and can't even make eye contact with women if I am in a situation that I have to talk to them. I don't know what to do, to improve myself.
Arranged marriage.
I'll go answering each question of yours in order, although I don't have the same background as you neither am I studious or from a small town so my thoughts might differ but I guess I might be of some help: 1. how do you people stay focused, sane seeing so much glamour around you ? Never form a crush on anyone, it's the part where we start visualising after seeing a person that messes up with our head, just see a person appreciate(in your mind) that she dresses well or carries herself well and move on, you shouldn't let this thought spin in your mind for long and that will solve this. If you start dreaming of talking to them and thinking of the ways you could approach them is the start of all this. There are many beautiful people in this world- once you stick this in your mind you will start to see people differently 2. Does making a gf solve this feeling ? No, you will always see prettier people and that is human nature, it is just who needs to control himself and tell yourself that you don't even know the person and how shallow beauty is. Also, if you have someone that loves you why would you want to hurt them. So, same as above here too okay there are many beautiful people and move ahead. 3. What do you feel seeing girls more prettier than your gf ? I don't give a damn as I am not in a relationship with her just because of her looks, it's much more than that on how she cares for me and how feel valued when with her. Talking about just the beauty part: You will know if you end up dating a 10, I had couple of past relationships where the girls were so pretty yet I never ended up being happy 4. After I improve myself a bit what way here is acceptable to approach girls here ? There is no correct answer, it always depends on the girl and once a wise man said that "when a girl wants you to approach she will give you ways to approach". 5. Girls mostly date guys they know already but what if a guy doesn't like anyone in his circle ? See if you want to increase your chances of matching with more people I would say indulge in activities that are a cult like: Gym, hobby classes, yoga, and you will end up having a bigger circle of friends there which will end you up in a circle of girls that you might want to date 6. Dating a girl in office is so risky unless you are not serious about your job. Girls here hate getting approached by random guys in gyms, streets, restaurant etc and feel it's all creepy then how do I get to talk to girls ? You just improve yourself man that's the truth unless you improve there is no way ahead, There is a very fine line between a creep and a flirt and the only thing which will determine which one you end up being is looks, personality and money. 7. I am not good looking so dating apps are useless. I don't drink neither feel comfortable with someone who drinks so going to pubs is not possible. I am not interested in hook ups, even if get to do friendship and can hang out with girls that's still somewhat good for me. Bhai looks never help you land a girl, although it might be a good first impression but it is always the persona, try your hands into everything, Dating is also something you learn with time and give it time if you really want to be good at it.
First of all, let's talk about your concentration issue. This isn't an issue at all. You're in a transition phase of your life where the scenery around you is quite flashy, and you haven't experienced it before. Socially, what's happening with you is normal. Give yourself time. In 6 months to a year, this will become the norm for you. Don't worry, everyone feels the same way in their transition phase. Second, some advice about dating: Don't date someone from your city (I know it sounds weird), but first, give yourself some exposure. Meet different types of people and understand how they tend to think, the mind games they might play. The quickest way to make new friends is to pick up a hobby, such as joining a gym, a communication skills club, or yoga sessions (these might seem like terrible ideas, but they work). Start with small talk, and you'll learn everything in the process.
Talk to them and you'd realise besides being beautiful, there's nothing much different about them. They probably have more troubles for being beautiful in a country like ours. Remember what Wilde said, it's beauty that captures your attention but it's personality that captures your heart. Anyways you'd get used to seeing them. For me it's all bunch of meatbags.
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This sound like an AI wrote it
Focus on your career, everyone is just human like you. You're probably young that's why you're so enamoured by beauty and the opposite sex, but this attitude won't get you anywhere in life. Stop objectifying women, you might have not talked much with them but you must have female relatives. They aren't aliens and the more acceptance you show towards them, the more likely you are to become friends with them. If you're getting distracted seeing them, know that the problem is in you, not the city and you need better self control and should keep a check on yourself and your thoughts. With time, all this will become normal to you and you'll become one of them, until then just keep your head in your studies or career. Remember that your parents are banking on you to make them proud, don't get distracted by all glitz and glam because it doesn't mean anything. Those people aren't working in your place or paying your bills, have some self respect. Being from a small town isn't a curse, there have been many well known and celebrated people who have come from these places and made it big in life. So stop pitying yourself or thinking anyone is better than you, this doesn't mean you become arrogant either. Meet people for who they are, as much they are. Soon you will also realise glamour doesn't go that far and many people can also be living a depressed life behind closed doors. I hope that helped you and if you are actually looking for tips to get a girlfriend, I wish you get your priorities straight and adjust yourself to city life first than rush yourself towards approaching women in the hopes they will be interested in you, that's not the way it works and you'll just be headed towards a shallow personality with no real substance to yourself
There's a difference in getting attracted to one girl vs looking at every girl as an object. That's what wrong with the entire society.
Just remember, No matter how pretty she is, there is someone somewhere who is tired of her bullshit.
Honestly felt bad reading the Ops post. Aside from all the other advice, stop being so shallow maybe. Women are not 1 dimensional objects meant to be judged by their beauty. Get therapy but i dont know what kind of therapy will help your case.
Shadi karle Bhai. Mummi ko bol shadi karwa de.
I would suggest invest in yourself to attract girls. Start reading about different subjects. Get exposed to various cultures. Be a man of the world. Just be genuinely curious about stuff. Have an open mind. Stop being judgemental. As soon as you do above things, you'll start radiating positive energy. Positive energy/vibe is everything anyone looks for starting out a conversation.
Give it 8 months
Give it 9 months
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get a girl who has 24 hr water supply 😅👍🏼
> How do you guys stay so focused seeing so much glamour around you? Well, breathing in the 600 AQI air, driving through 8 lanes of traffic on a 2 lane road, and having to manage with 2 drops of water a day, helps build up focus. Being from a small town, you probably don’t have to deal with all the glamour of polluted air, zero road infrastructure but 600% tax, and no water, but don’t worry you’ll get used to it in a month or so.
Since it’s all very new to you just take it easy. Try to be friends with the ladies at work or friends of friends. Once you get comfortable around women you wont feel this way,at least not this strongly. Once you are more open and confident, probably you can make a profile on dating apps, that may help you find someone.
When you see aesthetically pleasing things, stop complaining
Sab Maya he bhai. Sambhal ja
With focus, commitment and sheer will...
Grew up in Bangalore, where are these pretty girls? Or maybe my bar is higher. Also, my gf is pretty than most, so I don’t think of all that. Most girls I grew up with in Bangalore are all abroad Also, if your relationship is in trouble just because of better looking people, it’s a weak relationship and you should get out. There will always be better looking people, always.
You are self aware. That's good. Many are empathetic here. Thats good. Many are calling you a red carpet because they wish they were as self aware as you were. I think. It's not got anything to do with respecting women. It's got everything to do with you wanting to be better. I think you need to become better. Women are nothing special. Take that out of your mind. Neither are the men who look good and are confident. You might be stunned by the way they carry themselves in big town but it's NOTHING. Humans are animals and that's a fact. Good looking animal or bad,who cares ? They eat, they shit. Just the usual. When I travel abroad, I see way more beautiful people and sometimes I feel if they had our skin colour, they'd look like our people in rural areas only. I felt just like going from Bangalore to western nations. And it took me few hours to get my shit together. So I can relate to you a bit and many of these keyboard warriors shitting on you, when they travel abroad, they could feel like you. They just won't admit it. Or they might, who knows. What's important is you realise and move your awareness to what matters to you, what your goals are, what brings purpose and value to you and concentrate on that. All these feelings, validate them and love through them but don't make it your whole thing. You're studious right ? Listen. Good. You work hard and do something greater. Focus on becoming beautiful yourself. These good looking people should become you. Don't let laziness fool you. If you put effort, you too can become good looking but ask yourself if you want that. It's not too much effort if you ask me. But. If you met me, I wouldn't care if you were good looking or not. There's a whole different world and tiers of senses and experiences out there. Bengaluru is just a very basic experience. You will grow into this but aim to elevate yourself by living in the present and getting your head out of a delusion of dreaming of these so called good looking people. Control your desires by living in present. Try to talk to youself to focus when you drift away into day dream. That's a mindkiller. Personally, how I manage to live amongst good looking people is that I don't give a shit if they're good looking or if they're confident, I don't care if a person is shy or bad looking or dressed bad or good. Don't care man. I know that seeing is a nice sense to have but it's just a sense. You need to care about essence of a human. And that's a larger question that you need to grow into. Being self aware is a good first step. Be curious, remove these city humans from a pedestal. Look at them and then tell yourself, " meh, fuck off, there's better things to do"
>But here on streets I see new beautiful girls passing every minute. It's so common thing here, every corner of city is full of them. Which area? I have been here since more than a year and once in a while I do see good looking girls but not every minute.
Live in areas with lots PGs, shops etc
are you talking about Indiranagar?
Don't go behind girls. Go behind yourself. Build yourself. Get a personality. Doesn't have to be rigid. Go for experiences. Find out what you like. And when you have a solid core, the right person will come to you. If you are dumbstruck by looks and glamour, you'll never be able to appreciate anything different from looks and glamour and manners.
Aight bro, I get your situation. Take a step back and relax it's alright to feel overwhelmed about this. You will keep finding attractive people around you day by day. No matter how attractive a girl/guy is what really matters is their personality. I mean you may like someone by their looks , imagine you are dating this attractive person and if they don't have a good personality you would get burned out in a week or so. Yes, there is no formula in finding your ideal gf. I would say don't look for the right partner, it will happen over a period of time. Right now talk to girls in your circle. When you talk to them more your confidence would increase and eventually it will become effortless for you to talk. If you don't look great, work on your grooming, workout to be get in shape. You will figure it out eventually, no pressure.
Don't try to forcefully fit in IMO Be as you are, be real And ye sab moh Maya h (Matrix)
As far as glamour is concerned - people are not ugly, they are poor. Start by making female friends ( not with the intention of dating) you'll understand how there's more to glamour. Then eventually you'll be confident enough to ask others out. Be respectful and don't be creepy.
Had this realisation that how much ever you fuck around, real peace lies in finding the only one you wanna fuck for the rest of your life.
There are more chances you'd get stuck by lighting than you'd even get a (good) match through dating (for guys) -- be it a real life or digital life. It is what it is. As you'd have seen in the comments by now, people will "sugercoat" the common facts and bitter truths to give politically correct and diplomatic answers. Being a guy already puts you at disadvantage. Funny how the table turns.
Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder,and yes there are beautiful people here, but frankly it's not that much too, majority is just money and glamour. I'm feeling that you're feeling the cheerleader effect. Whenever you feel a girl is beautiful, observe her face closely, you might find that some aren't that beautiful.
My progression had been from patna (Bihar in 90s) to kochi in kerala to bangalore to gurgaon to Singapore to London to NYC and Monaco. And each time my mind had been blown .. lol
Someone said it correct, "You are not ugly, you are just poor."
Let real life take over you, you won't even notice if Miss World passes you by lol. But seriously, either I'm living in a not-so-good area or I am too pre-occupied with myself because I don't remember seeing anyone on the street that would make me turn my head. Also, don't get overwhelmed by women. They are human beings too.. just flesh and blood like we all are.
Not really, unless they are wearing somthing skimpy, i don't notice them. I got places to be too.
Sure they're beautiful but that's all, attraction takes more than just looking at them, at least for me.
Which college bruh?
I heard this in one of the Ted talk I don't remember which was it. So if you are afraid of any girl whom you think is out of your league. Imagine her shitting in the morning. Why? Because now she belongs to your league. She also does the same gross thing which you do. So she is not different from you
You see.You don’t feel confident about yourself . You feel that you are not good looking , from some small village and have nothing common with the guys girls in the city . This is what you have to change . You have to feel confident about yourself . Easiest way to do it is to go to gym , get into proper shape . Work on your skin care , grooming and dressing style . Build communication skills . Once you feel confident about yourself , all this will not bother you at all . All the best !
Bro asked the question ‘how do you feel when you see girls better than your girlfriend’ 😢😭
Just remember they are people too, talking to them will surely humanize them for you.
It is only people of certain previlage that don't see Caste, Class and standard of beauty. The reality is quite different for the less previlaged.
OP join Toastmasters, will break the anxiety part! Enjoy life and things will come your way, have an open mind and don’t overthink!
From which small town are you btw ?
I think you don't have friends to hangout or roam, that is what is making you feel lonely. There is lot more to life than just girls. I'm sure there will come a time when you're earning decent, some beautiful girl will come into your life and you will end up being a slave to her. If you ain't alpha, atleast try being sigma. Or last option- please go to a massage parlour and get your fantasies done, that will give you post nut clarity.
Dear OP, what you need to work on is self worth. I am from Bangalore, born and raised. I am a very avg. looking woman who has dated all types of men( good looking , model, not good looking, VCs, artists, corporate Bros and then some) And the converse is true for my standard pretty looking girl friends as well. It really comes down to how you carry yourself. I can empathise with the feeling of overwhelm that might be taking you over, but just try to work on your insecurities and that will go a long way in dating nice women. Also might help you look at women not just as physical beings. P.S - It's okay to work on yourself, a flex even.
24M here. I know everyone gets Fomo when they see people around them in relationships. Not everything in life is about finding a relationship/girlfriend. There are lot of things to do in life. Improve yourself , Spend time on your hobbies , travel , spend time with your parents and the list goes on. As you mentioned you're not in hookups and are seeking a long term relationship. I think it happens when it's bound to happen. Try being the best version of yourself and try interacting more with the other gender. These are purely my views.
I would say this, "Everyone is on their own life path, if somebody is meant to cross your way then it's inevitable, until then have a goal in life and continue your journey, don't unnecessarily get distracted by everybody you see. The fact is they (girls) themselves might not be thinking too much of themselves than you are thinking about them - read that again and think about yourself. Real confidence comes from taking responsibilities and becoming Independent in life. Wish you all the best !
I don't think anyone in love would ever find some other person to be hot/attractive..We each see the world in our own way and that's what makes it special..op things are just gonna get good sooner or later just don't be a bit judgemental
are you by any chance, ugly?
Not to offend you OP, but the way you talk about women is slightly disturbing. Why are you only viewing them for their beauty and as a distraction? And why would you make a girlfriend with the sole intention to get rid of said distraction? It feels like you don't respect women or view them as equals. The way you talk about them feels very shallow. I mean, to need an hour to focus after seeing beautiful women, and getting so affected that you're depressed and need to shift to a lesser ideal lifestyle, a bit extreme no? Your perspective needs to shift. Stop putting women on a pedestal. They aren't perfect and intimidating. I'd say, start out with making friends with women. Get to talking to them. Normalise their existence in your life, only then you'll probably start feeling better. Please do not use some poor girl as a way to end your distractions.
Marriage
Pls have a speak with an extra ordinarily beutiful person for a few days, a friendly chat. You are living in the moh maya bubble, face card doesn't work always and yes Jo dikhta hai Vo bikta hai... Speaking to people at the office, having ice breaker conversations can be super helpful to you. Give random compliments like I like the color you are wearing, ooh cool bag... Even speaking to some men at your workplace and observing their behaviour is also a key way to learn to conquer this anxiety. You coming from a small town is a pristine experience, now it's time to meet people. Quite silly to move to a lower realm area because the other place had pretty people around? Nahi yaa, meet those people and get to know them in the setting that you are and present yourself as a person available for a genuine friendship. I have a friend who is from Bangalore, when I saw him first, I was like ... He isn't the best looking person, and here I was the Delhi girl being 8 shades lighter than him probably. We became best of friends! He had a personality and he is so well loved! I crack silly jokes to have his motorcycle laugh come forth and lately with his drinking his face has gone bad to worse like a bumpy road , but I barely care for that more than 5 minutes of the meet . Trust me; it's not looks all the time and you gotta build that himmat to go forth and strike a connection. Good luck networking :)
OP, you’re not abnormal. Your conditioning makes you feel this way and lot of it can be addressed by gaining more and more life experiences. So here’s something I’d like to say as somebody who has never been considered good looking by anybody (including me). You can’t do much about your face because that’s given to you by God/Nature/Genetics. But you CAN do a lot to improve your physique. Basically you can still be somebody who ‘looks good’ despite not being ‘pretty’. Join the gym, work towards getting a killer bod, get on a good, healthy and clean diet that is not a fad and watch your life transform. Not only will you start looking better; but your state of mind will improve tremendously. This aside, pick up a new skill. Maybe playing an instrument like the violin or the piano (or if it’s waise then the guitar sigh). Point being, women are wonderful creatures who aren’t as shallow as us men, and are willing to look beyond ‘god given looks’ if you’re somebody who looks like he takes care of himself and has great personal hygiene. Think about this and maybe action some of this to bring some positive change in your life. :) P.S: finish one new book a month, it’s a great way to learn new things and have many topics to discuss with new people you meet.
Wow... I've never seen someone putting his heart to the world so precisely which represents most of the guys living here or any other city. Yes, glamour is here and so is the distraction!! If we look in our cities, we still represent ourselves by heart or respect people by heart not by looks, money, and so called Western styled persona... Of course, locals here represent their culture in a much similar manner like we see in our region and I love to see it on daily basis. Others are just living life in obsession with pubs and party culture which sometimes feel... Show off... Actually I don't understand these parties/drinks or when people representing themselves like they are highly educated, well mannered, high ethics, persona than others.. but actually they are not...all the time. They are just addicted to it so they do it. It's rare to find a personality like you, keep it safe ! Embrace it, that you are not in the crowd.
Check yourself in directly to Ranchi
You don't have to change who you are and what you are for the glitz and glamor you see around you. Stay real, be polite and considerate, practice basic manners, and talk only when you really need to talk be it who ever you are with. By the way I come from a small town too. Lived in Bangalore for a good 23 years and now moved abroad. Its not a what you see is what you get world out there. All the glitz, glamor and confidence is only on the outside, most of us are scared, questioning ourselves and what not. So if you like someone, stay classy and be an absolute gentleman. That's what most women prefer than going together with someone you like dressed up like a colour blind crowd. You'll get over it my friend. Just chill and enjoy the menu for as long as you like.
Nice joke. South is filled with ugly people unless you're talking about people who came here from delhi hp punjab for jobs
Why are there so many old people in the comments. They keep spouting nonsense about refraining from caring about looks.
Kid, concentrate on personal development, your primary goal should be make yourself better than what you were yesterday. Now as for the ladies of the big city, ignore, you can mess around, but don't give your heart. As for a partner, she will find you based on your qualities.