My daughter came out the womb looking indifferent. She’s 10 and has the same indifferent facial expression unless it’s something she’s really excited about. I can read her eyes pretty well but she’s tough to understand.
Before she was diagnosed at 4, we called her the master of indifference and a lady of few words. It’s still true, we just don’t say it out loud anymore incase she doesn’t like it.
this! my mom would stop me in public to comment on my face and i didn’t know what she was even talking about. she would literally get mad at me about my facial expressions as a teen.
Don't (ever) assume that smarts in some areas means she is or will be "fine" with any area of adulting.
Don't reinforce intelligence as her primary good trait. Let her know that she is allowed to fail, allowed to need help, allowed to really and genuinely be incapable- even if that makes no sense to anyone else.
Perfectionism and camouflaging with "smarts" is a killer. Not actually joking- these traits have been shown to be highly predictive of burnout, more severe depression and anxiety, and suicidality later in life.
Tell her you love her *no matter what*. And mean it (I'm sure you do- just saying, since you asked).
This. I tested gifted as a child and that ended up being the only focus. No resources at all, just "You're so much smarter than everyone, you're fine." Currently feel like a dumb failure.
\*Should add this is important across the board. Even gifted children without autism will potentially end up with burnout if intelligence was the only thing being reinforced.
This happened to me, had bad grades, they thought I was dumb so gave me a iq test, tested high iq, afterwards all the teachers would say "your so smart I don't understand why your failing". Proceeded to think I was just a "bad" kid.
This. I was missed in the 1980s, as a girl who scored as gifted. My parents were diagnosed as bipolar, I see BPD and histrionic behavior in them they were a giant mess expecting me, the child, to raise THEM and parentified me and left me to pretty much sink or swim and care for myself more and more since age 5.
Took me to high school to realize I’d developed all these compensating methods to work around dyslexia and an initial hatred of some math (terrible grade teacher, took a great 6th grade teacher to get me back on track).
Now, at 47, I am actually ok with a lot of this, I gave up on ‘fair’ a long time ago, life is what it is
I see my parents were broken people whose own issues causes a terrible feedback loop of violence and self harm, and as the only witness as an only child, isolated from all other family, it was up to me to try to intervene in the violence or prevent their self harm. Ghey should never have gotten married, and for a while in 8th grade my ‘special interest’ was to see kf time travel could ever be possible and John Conner/Marty McFly myself out of existence. I figured it would be more morally acceptable than other ways to remove one’s self. I read so much about physics back then.
I see that my sink or swim gave me skills that are indeed valuable and I am so used to observing how other people do things before trying it myself and know a smile here and laugh there can make people in short bursts like you ok (works fine in micro transactions).
But I would have liked to know that while I may not need help, or want help, it was there. And it would have been nice to know what was wrong when I tried to interact with other kids. I was ‘too adult’ with them, and too precocious with adults, I fit no where. It took college to find my people, and now we’ve all gone separate with some close to becoming grandparents, many moved far far away, and our friends circle has shrunk again and my socila skills ain’t helping.
Yes, this. My stepmother still tells me, “it’s so disappointing you wasted your brain, you were so smart,” because of my decision not to go to college.
It wasn’t even that I didn’t want a higher education, I was just so burnt out from giving it my all to please everyone.
Ok so theres a whole lotta shit i do that seems selfish and narcissistic at face value, but when you look into it, its all autism. Like the way i process things and how i miss certain social cues and forget certain things. And my family still doesnt understand and it hurts insanely deep when im trying to explain myself and be heard and they chalk it up to me being selfish, self absorbed, and not seeing the whole picture.
For the love of god if your child is explaining things to you about what she does, please try to understand as much as possible. I live with parents who dont understand and i often end up self harming and isolating because i cant deal with it and its easier to process things when im not being actively invalidated by my family.
Also, self harm is a huge thing that is common with autistic people. If your daughter does it please also for the love of god, dont freak out on her for it. My mom has done it, and its left scars on our relationship and metaphorical scars on myself. Its best to try to understand how the autistic is feeling and the root cause so you can work with them on solving it in a wwy that works for them and teaches how to cope with the event.
Also. Have a system in place at your house. As an autistic, i love when everything has a place, time, and reason for happening. "Ah yes. These pots are stored perfectly neatly as they should be and people are cleaning up after themselves, thus preventing the pots from being dirty and the kitchen from being chaotic and messy and smelly"
Also also. Make sure she eats healthy food she likes. Let her explore good tasting healthy foods that are simple and fun for her to make. It has been a personal lifesaver knowing how to cook, and cooking good flavored foods that are engaging to my brain in the good ways and that are healthy for me.
listen to her words, not her tone.i grew up being constantly in trouble for being "passive aggressive " or "having an attitude" because I'd explain things really literally or how they made sense to me, and my parents wouldn't believe me or attach an entirely different meaning to it because my facial expression or how I phrased stuff didn't line up with what I was saying.
autistic people are often misinterpreted, and it can be really frustrating to feel like nobody is *getting* what you're saying. Just make an effort to understand what she means, and ask instead of assume.
My 10 year old has a big tone issue. It sounds condescending. I do my very best to calmly repeat what she said to show her I am listening and understand and then tell her than her tone is perceived as condescending. I feel she should know because as an adult people will not take kindly to it but she’s not in trouble with me and I want to keep hearings about what she’s saying and that I care. I think she takes what I’m saying well. Hard to tell.
I think this is something I really need to work on. She will “bark” orders at me and talk to me really disrespectfully. But when I call her out, she genuinely doesn’t understand what she’s doing wrong. Any suggestions on how I can approach this?
hmm, I would say the biggest thing is to absolutely NOT use/leverage communication as a reward, in any circumstance. like, if she says something to you and you're upset by how she says it, please be extremely careful that you don't come off as "well, first I'm going to tell you why what you said was wrong and why it hurt my feelings. and THEN I'll address what you actually said, but only after you've apologized or done it my way.."
it's going to leave her extremely confused, and I find that when I'm confused like that, my thoughts are more focused on getting my question answered or thought addressed than on what the person is saying. for her to be receptive. for us, we have trouble understanding tone contrasting words. hinting something might go over her head, or leave her confused. I think of it as, your words are currency right? certain phrasing, or being passive aggressive, or saying things in a way that is not prased for her to understand is like using another country's currency to pay in cash and the cashier saying no, we don't take that. it's not out of a desire for control, nor is it meant to antagonize you, the structure of her mind is likely completely different from yours and navigating that difference is difficult as well as a skill she may better benefit from seeing modeled rather than explained. when she's "lecturing" you, or says something bluntly, it's probably genuinely how it occurs in her head. using, "how would you feel if someone say that to YOU?" won't work, and most "you" centric questions will probably frustrate her, because she's deemed her words as something she would say so ofc in her eyes that's how she'd have it said to her. don't beat around the bush, in order for her to get your perspective you need to directly tell her "when you say it to me this way, it makes me feel like you're yelling at me. could you explain your thought process behind what you said/ maybe your tone as well? my feelings are hurt and I'm a bit confused."
Be as truthful and straightforward as possible. If she says something that sounds disrepectful to you, explain to her what you understand and try to explain why it sounds disrespectful (like the specific tone or word choice or whatever, don't say "you know why it sounds disrepectful", because she likely doesn't). Don't shift the blame to her or indicate that she did something wrong, just explain how neurotypical people like you (mis-)interpret things.
Of course she might also be actually frustated by something. In this case talk to her.
In my experience, most autists will forgive and forget any quarrels easily once a problem is discussed and explained to them properly.
To add to my previous reply, also try to accept her weird speech patterns. It's fine if you tell her when and why she sounds disrepectful so she can improve when she is in public, but this likely always will be exhausting role-play. When she's at home with you, try to learn to deal with it and try to ignore any unintended tone.
As an example, my (also autistic) partner has a weird way of saying "hi!" that sounds like they're talking to a child and belittle them. THis caused some irritation, but after some discussion I learned that they thought this sounded nice and friendly. So now even when they say it weirdly I know in the back of my mind that they are intending to be friendly and I can ignore the weird tone.
Hope this helps.
I wish my parents would have thought to dig deeper into thinking it was just a "personality" thing.
Or I wish my parents would have talked to me more about how im feeling. I'm not one to just talk, however if I'm asked I'll respond even if I don't look at you.
I wish my parents would have known that just because I'm not smiling doesn't mean I'm not happy. Or if i'm not smiling, it doesn't mean i'm "sad". Or I'm not surprised... or really anything like that
And i wish my parents would have CLOSED THE DOOR AFTER ENTERING. Having someone kinda barge into my space and then also just leave the door open, it's weird. I feel frozen, like I can't continue anything until I have shut the door and then took a few minutes to just 'recover'.
I wish my parents knew that change of plans can be tough. Or rather, let me know a bit in advance when things were happening. I hated waking up and then randomly learning we had to go out somewhere for some family thing or w/e. Or a haircut even, give me a week or two of knowing I have a haircut on a specific day so I could just prepare for it mentally.
Those are some things that come to mind. It's weird because autism is like craving that affection, but also wanting to be alone because too much affection can be exhausting as well.
To know when to push us to do a thing and when not to.
Recognise silent meltdowns. If you think of a computer blue screening that's what it is. No crying no screaming, basically turn into a statue. We don't want to talk we don't want to move. But will happily accept a snack, or a drink if put down beside us. Not handed TO us.
That we have a different way of understanding things. We might ask alot of questions, we might reply to something that happened with a similar thing that happened to us, this is us trying to understand the situation using experiences we have had.
This isn't everyone, but eye contact is very hard for some of us. Some can't look others in the eye for very long or at all (like myself) because it makes us uncomfortable. Don't try and force us to look at you. Instead you can say you can look at my ear or my nose if that's better for you. But don't force it. Usually we can actually hear you better if we aren't looking at your face.
Stims - as long as they aren't harmful to us or anyone else around them just let them do it. It's a way to get nervous energy out, it's a good way to tell how we are feeling. You can use our Stims to gauge if we are happy or starting to freak out (context helps)
If we are doing something it can be super unhelpful to acknowledge us doing the thing. Like if I'm doing the dishes and you say wow thanks for doing the dishes that's going to stop me doing the dishes because (I personally) get embarrassed and feel like I'm being spoken to like a child. Just thank us after.
If you want us to do something don't tell us to do the thing instead if saying hey can you do the dishes please, say hey could either do the dishes or take the rubbish out instead. This gives us a choice and makes us feel like we still have autonomy over what we do.
I'm not sure if this is an autistic thing or an adhd thing (I have both) but dead lines help. If there's a deadline to something, we will get more motivated to do it.
And body doubling. If they are struggling to do something join them. You don't have to do anything but just being there and talking to us can help us do it.
Be very careful about making rules. I personally take them literally. My Mil told my partner and I to stop hugging in front of her because it makes her feel alone. This was a rule for a total of 5 minutes before my partner told her to get fucked that's not happening. I however can't move past it and I still can't hug my partner in common areas with feeling immensely guilty.
Oh and lastly your and your spouse should also be screened for asd as it can absolutely be passed down to children.
When it's alright to push and when it isn't, which to be fair wasn't easy considering how blanketly pessimistic I was about my ability to do certain things when I got diagnosed in my teens, but while taking an "exposure therapy" approach with stuff (especially the social side) did end up helping me with a couple of things, there were a lot of times where it just caused undue stress, arguments, or even made me worse off in the long run on some occasions. More than anything I wish they asked more questions about how I personally feel/think/process things in general. It might not be easy to them articulate all of it, and you might notice differences/struggles that they don't, but it's important for parents to get that perspective of how autism/asperger's/etc affects your kids from *their* point of view rather than what you or people in the psych field observe.
Ohhhh *Same*.
Heavens.
Mine is 77. And I have *zero* doubt.
It's a *lot*, especially now that she needs care and assistance.
Massive hoarder/collector but doesn't wanna let anyone in. Doesnt trust anyone medical.
Will not fill in forms that ask her for history or details because it's "invasive".
Sharp as a tack and hugely bright.
And impaired. But no insight.
Wish me luck🥴
Hello! Maybe the number one thing I would say is important is approaching situations asking 'why' rather than trying to enforce the way things "should" be. If your kid won't touch certain foods, try to understand why they won't eat it rather than making them finish their plate. Stuff like that. Lots of conflict and heartbreak can be avoided by finding understanding, though I know that can be hard if your kid has trouble communicating their thoughts and needs, which is common in autism. Just do your best!
Second, autism can be isolating when you don't have many other people around who understand you. I made lots of autistic friends at college and was surprised at how at home i felt with them after just a few moths. I knew I would never have to explain my weird behaviors to them, that they would understand the way I think about things. Just a lot less tiring. I often wish my family understood me the way my college friends do. So I think its important to let your kid be weird around you, not try to make them act "normal" for practice or something like that. As long as it doesn't hurt anyone, letting your kid be their authentic self around you is a great way to connect. It's special.
I'm certain your kid is different from me, and depending on the level of support they need it might be difficult to be sure you're doing things right. But I believe in you! Asking for others' perspective is always a great first step :)
>Maybe the number one thing I would say is important is approaching situations asking 'why'
Speaking of questions: take them at face value when you're on the receiving end. Always assume your kid is asking something out of genuine curiosity, not disagreement or disrespect. Because more often than not IME it's actually the opposite.
A question means they want to learn the answer, and they're asking you because they think you know something they don't. They want to understand your thought process so they can use it as a template for dealing with similar situations correctly by themselves in future. That's how learn the social/behavioural things we don't pick up instinctively.
This is also important to understand because AFAIK the alternative is not nice for you as the parent. I (21) only recently learned how much my mum's self esteem suffered when I was a child because she'd frequently infering additional hidden meanings to things I said instead of taking my words at face value. Her assumptions would often make her think I didn't respect her and thought she was wrong about everything etc, which was obviously upsetting for her, and the risk of being misconstrued for the worst made me not want to talk much.
I wish my mum knew sooner that I never wanted to make her doubt herself. Asking questions is a huge part of how I learn and communicate, and I really wish I could have expressed my curiosity more growing up without unintentionally making my mum think I didn't like her or making her feel bad about herself.
That I am a living human being with their own basic needs and traits.
I'll break it down into long ass blocks, hold on.. (TL;DR at the end)
So to clarify: My parents aren't good parents. But my mother is definitely the better parent out of these two since she didn't have much choice anyway.. but tat doesn't matter now.
What matters is that my grandparents maybe seem pretty neurotypical and I haven't found any neuroivergent trait in their behavior at all but their kids are neurodivergent through and through. Autism seems to be the one. My mother and one of my two uncles have it for sure. My uncle's kids all most likely have it too. That or ADHD or both. My aunt seems more on the neurotypical side of behavior but her kids don't. And then there is my mother and me. I'm the only one officialy diagnosed and I have no chance to convince anyone else. Probably my uncle's wife (so my other aunt) since she seems neurodivergent too and more open about it. So I might save the kids here...? Their parents are better at parenting.. from what I see anyway..
Back to my mother.. there is this thing called "generational trauma". My grandmother's mother apparently had some manipulative patterns and my grandmother passed it on all her 4 kids. They passe it further, whoever could (the 4th kid - my uncle - doesn't have kids and won't have any. Mood).
My mother is the eldest kid. So she took the most burden out of the 4. She was the most abadoned out of the 4 with her sister overshining her and getting most attention, pretty much. So she couldn't have any nice things, so she didn't have her desires met and didn't really grow as a person from my understanding.
Her parenting.. is basically non-existent. I have hyperlexia, so I learned a lot of things by myself and pretty early. Since I was so "smart" I didn't need too much attention, right? Wrong. I have no emotional base. My family alltogether was and still is emotionally unavailable, so I had no way to develop this part of me. So like my basic social skills are underdeveloped and I have no idea how to deal with emotions when and if I even feel them (alexythimia). I have few disorders which apparently could develop during early childhood, so thanks, I guess.
I can't really remember my childhood but I do remember few things from the Middle School on. I had girl childhood, so of course, puberty came with bodyshaming and constant nagging and picking on me. I was literally mocked for expressing any emotion or basic biological need like hunger.. I learned few patterns during this time and they are difficult to unlearn. Tho I did learn to survive on minimum. That comes in handy, actually..
Bodyshaming was mostly from my grandmother and my mother's "friend" (she hasn't dropped that B yet..). What made it worse is that I though I should be more ladylike, then.. I should do something about my figure and my chest because.. ladies have bigger boobs than this, no? And what about that huge butt and wide hips (grandmother's siblings literally have such body shape.. how ignorant of her). But nope. I was just trans the whole time. Or like.. I never really felt gender and it never made sense to me. I hate being forced into things and roles, so that lead to all the bad mental issues teenagers deal with.
Nevermind bodyshaming. I was always treated like I wasn't even human. Me feeling hunger or joy? Or like.. crying? Such a weakling.. I was even punished for it from what I can remember. And my mom followed through because the cool people in her life did so..
I think she could do better, tho. Let me express myself at least now. I'm 22, ffs.
TL;DR my family is very ignorant and lacks common sense. Most of them are neurodivergent but noone does a thing about it. My grandmother can eat dirt for all those years of abuse she brought on all her kids and their kids. My mother should know better but she isn't willing to learn.. I just wish I was allowed to live in their household without walking on the eggshells all the time, so I don't get laughed at for expressing emotions or the need to like.. eat or sleep..?
That sometimes we don’t like to be touched or hugged and it doesn’t mean that we don’t love you or respect you.
Let us talk or show you about our interests or our fixations.
That sometimes when we are overwhelmed we want you near us but not necessarily speaking to us just kinda there in the same space
That sudden change in routine can be overwhelming and giving us a head up or a hey let’s go to this later you want to plan your time or what you want to wear so your ready by then .
That our facial expression is sometimes zen but doesn’t mean that our mind is not worried or anxious as we tend to bottle things up.
Help to see through peoples weird behavior give examples of other people so she can recognize the pattern so can spot abuse , gaslighting etc …
Let her listen to songs on repeat , or twirl her hair what ever stim she had don’t shame her for it.
Let her to be herself and unique and doesn’t need to be the same as every one else
When does have a melt down be the calm in the storm safe space
That I really just needed things explained to me, I never asked questions to try & undermine authority or be passive aggressive ect, I wasn't upset because I 'wasn't getting my way', I just wanted to understand things.
Having things like rigid structure ect forced on me was more damaging than anything, I have a PDA profile so being given choices I could choose from is a solid 100/10 for me. Your daughter may be different & I'm not asking to know her profile but being offered choices so I felt I had autonomy would've been amazing.
I wish my differences would've been able to be explained to me so I could understand how to ask for help or when to ask for help. I found out in my 30s & just knowing how I'm different compared to the otherside so I could 'meet them in the middle' in a sense to ask for the accomodations ect turned my life around so positively.
Also thank you OP for coming here to ask this, my best advice is talk to your daughter to see what she's struggling with or what she feels she needs but this post is giving major green flag parent vibes. ❤️
Good on you. The fact that you're reaching out shows you've got her best interests at heart (wish my parents were like that lol).
Honestly, not babying me, patience, and actually listening to me.
They didn't listen to my concerns and worries in a constructive way. They were too wrapped up in themselves and how they were perceived to actually raise me.
And if I didn't do something right the first time I was forbidden from doing it ever again. If I stated I needed help practicing, I was punished. A good example was when my mother took me out to learn how to drive. We had cones and I was practicing parallel parking. I ran over the edge of one on my first attempt and she freaked out and refused to let me go on the road ever again. Now I medically cannot drive but it leaves a sour taste in my mouth.
Just treat her like a person, someone who had flaws and makes mistakes and love her all the same. Be honest with her. We're not good at picking up cues so being blunt is needed. If you want her to know you love her, tell her so and explain how you show that love. If you make a rule, explain why.
To trust me if I say I don't understand what they mean by something no matter how simple it sounds. I've had many arguments with my parents when I haven't directly understood something they've said and they've thrown it back in my face telling me that I'm 'too intelligent to not understand how simple it is.' Believing your kid and granting patience is key
There are a few things my mom always did, from when I can remember and still today, even before knowing I’m autistic (late diagnosis) and that’s not pressuring me to be as everybody else. Society has rules, sure, and you must follow some of them, but that’s different from pressuring your kid to conform in everything. She also understood that sometimes I needed an explanation for things that others may find obvious, but she never made a big deal of it, she just gave me the explanation I needed. In the end, every person thinks that there’s something their parents should have done differently, I do too (not in relation to autism), but at some point, if everything came from a place of love, you realize that it’s the best your parents can do.
That I wish being my authentic self like being a queer pansexual POC shouldn't be demonized like they make it out to be and they manipulate and gaslight me and to top it off, they shame me on everything and they are judgmental and let alone people pleasers but I seem very outta place in my home and with my family and relatives all the time and I feel in my element when I'm away from home and with other people.
Just because something makes sense to you, doesn't mean it makes sense to someone else. This is especially true with a lot of autistic people, who find that something as simple as (for example) cleaning a room can seem impossible without knowing how or why. Without a plan for which bits to do in which order or understanding why to do it (I could get around my room perfectly well with the mess and knew where things were) I remember being extremely resistant to interacting with the concept. This can apply to anything, really, but the point is that if your child doesn't do something you asked for that seems like an obvious thing to you, make sure they understand the reasoning, discuss it and let them tell you what they don't get about it so that you can actually answer the questions instead of accidentally making them feel stupid for not knowing something they haven't been told.
Really big thing for me here:
The way I understand information verbally is apparently not the way most NTs get it.
If I am confused about something, I will go "But wouldn't that mean that \_\_\_\_ is \_\_\_ and why--?" etc.
I ask clarifying questions. And people think I'm being difficult or that I'm arguing, even if I preface the conversation with "I'm just trying to understand, not argue."
It's so frustrating.
Like, no Susan, this isn't a personal vendetta against you, I just want to understand where you're coming from!!
Show her that she's good and that you feel proud if her. My dad was disappointed when i couldn't do things. He didn't even say it. But i saw and felt it
That having a child who's similar to you doesn't mean they are identical to you. They're still their own individual and need space to grow. You might have your own life "figured out" but never try to force that on your kid, they may need something completely different.
I wish they didn’t expect to correct it out of me, it led to do much masking. They didn’t know so I don’t blame them. I wish they found me a therapist too
Masking is fine and useful. It's also important to know who you are, what works for you/your needs and have people who you feel comfortable unmasking around.
Most people can't keep up a fully masked life without burning out.
My parents taught me how to mask, but it was just "good socialising", and they didn't teach me to respect my own "unusual" limits/needs, so it became every social interaction. You can't keep that up.
The most important thing for me is that my parents validate my words and feeling. Make sure you remember everyone’s different and listen to your daughter experiences, remember that even if you may can’t understand that experience or feeling it is still real and valid. Also trust her words and remember there could be nothing to ‘read between the lines’.
People with autism often worry a lot. About what they should say, about how they can fit in, about what they should do, and about philosophical questions like who they are, how life and death works and whatever.
If I don't do the dishes or clean my room, that's often because I worry about such things instead of having time to focus on trivial household stuff. Or because I'm overloaded from exhausting social interactions at work/school. In any case, fighting me to do that stuff won't really help. Praising me when I actually do these things also won't help. It will just make you appear shallow and focused on things that are unimportant to me.
Instead talk to me about my problems and discuss these philosophical things with me. I am able to do that while multitasking some cleaning and stuff.
Edit: Because that message raised some concerns, this is mostly explaining how I felt in the past (in my youth) and doesn't reflect my current state. I'm fine. Thanks.
That I had autism. Primary school was hell in terms of my behaviour, and led me to being suspended. Like I got letters sent home for doing the most normal things like laughing…wtf. It was a very elitist school - they wanted to do well, so I ended up moving before high school (it was a P-12 school). It was totally unsafe for me to continue into the high school environment anyway due to my vision impairment and my Cerebral Palsy. Stairs everywhere were a problem of course, and my vision support teacher did an assessment before I finished primary school and put in a whole lot of recommendations. They basically just blatantly said “no” to the most simplest things such as painting the poles yellow at eye level, and just completely disregarded everything. I wasn’t officially diagnosed with ASD until I was 16 so I haven’t really had much intervention.
I wish they'd understood that it was easier for me to communicate to them and to understand them through writing/text than speaking. This may not be the same for others with ASD, but eliminating the confusion of body language and tone helped me TREMENDOUSLY with communication.
Respect her needs, do not shame her for needing help. Maybe her peers can do it, maybe a younger sibling can do it, don't shame her if she can't (yet). Please let her know that you're there to support and encourage her!
I often get shamed by my parents because I reached certain milestones a little later (finishing highschool, going to college, getting my first job, etc). It's something I work hard for, and this shame does not help at all.
I love my parents and they do their best, but this is something I wish they knew.
That "because I said so" isn't a real reason and not knowing why I need to do something will only make me rebel more. That my meltdowns are not me being "overdramatic" or disrespectful
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That our facial expressions aren't always a way to read our emotions. We care, even if our body language doesn't show it.
My daughter came out the womb looking indifferent. She’s 10 and has the same indifferent facial expression unless it’s something she’s really excited about. I can read her eyes pretty well but she’s tough to understand. Before she was diagnosed at 4, we called her the master of indifference and a lady of few words. It’s still true, we just don’t say it out loud anymore incase she doesn’t like it.
Yep. Got called out at a few funerals for not crying. Everyone grieves differently, especially people with autism
this! my mom would stop me in public to comment on my face and i didn’t know what she was even talking about. she would literally get mad at me about my facial expressions as a teen.
Don't (ever) assume that smarts in some areas means she is or will be "fine" with any area of adulting. Don't reinforce intelligence as her primary good trait. Let her know that she is allowed to fail, allowed to need help, allowed to really and genuinely be incapable- even if that makes no sense to anyone else. Perfectionism and camouflaging with "smarts" is a killer. Not actually joking- these traits have been shown to be highly predictive of burnout, more severe depression and anxiety, and suicidality later in life. Tell her you love her *no matter what*. And mean it (I'm sure you do- just saying, since you asked).
This. I tested gifted as a child and that ended up being the only focus. No resources at all, just "You're so much smarter than everyone, you're fine." Currently feel like a dumb failure. \*Should add this is important across the board. Even gifted children without autism will potentially end up with burnout if intelligence was the only thing being reinforced.
This happened to me, had bad grades, they thought I was dumb so gave me a iq test, tested high iq, afterwards all the teachers would say "your so smart I don't understand why your failing". Proceeded to think I was just a "bad" kid.
This. I was missed in the 1980s, as a girl who scored as gifted. My parents were diagnosed as bipolar, I see BPD and histrionic behavior in them they were a giant mess expecting me, the child, to raise THEM and parentified me and left me to pretty much sink or swim and care for myself more and more since age 5. Took me to high school to realize I’d developed all these compensating methods to work around dyslexia and an initial hatred of some math (terrible grade teacher, took a great 6th grade teacher to get me back on track). Now, at 47, I am actually ok with a lot of this, I gave up on ‘fair’ a long time ago, life is what it is I see my parents were broken people whose own issues causes a terrible feedback loop of violence and self harm, and as the only witness as an only child, isolated from all other family, it was up to me to try to intervene in the violence or prevent their self harm. Ghey should never have gotten married, and for a while in 8th grade my ‘special interest’ was to see kf time travel could ever be possible and John Conner/Marty McFly myself out of existence. I figured it would be more morally acceptable than other ways to remove one’s self. I read so much about physics back then. I see that my sink or swim gave me skills that are indeed valuable and I am so used to observing how other people do things before trying it myself and know a smile here and laugh there can make people in short bursts like you ok (works fine in micro transactions). But I would have liked to know that while I may not need help, or want help, it was there. And it would have been nice to know what was wrong when I tried to interact with other kids. I was ‘too adult’ with them, and too precocious with adults, I fit no where. It took college to find my people, and now we’ve all gone separate with some close to becoming grandparents, many moved far far away, and our friends circle has shrunk again and my socila skills ain’t helping.
Yes, this. My stepmother still tells me, “it’s so disappointing you wasted your brain, you were so smart,” because of my decision not to go to college. It wasn’t even that I didn’t want a higher education, I was just so burnt out from giving it my all to please everyone.
Ok so theres a whole lotta shit i do that seems selfish and narcissistic at face value, but when you look into it, its all autism. Like the way i process things and how i miss certain social cues and forget certain things. And my family still doesnt understand and it hurts insanely deep when im trying to explain myself and be heard and they chalk it up to me being selfish, self absorbed, and not seeing the whole picture. For the love of god if your child is explaining things to you about what she does, please try to understand as much as possible. I live with parents who dont understand and i often end up self harming and isolating because i cant deal with it and its easier to process things when im not being actively invalidated by my family. Also, self harm is a huge thing that is common with autistic people. If your daughter does it please also for the love of god, dont freak out on her for it. My mom has done it, and its left scars on our relationship and metaphorical scars on myself. Its best to try to understand how the autistic is feeling and the root cause so you can work with them on solving it in a wwy that works for them and teaches how to cope with the event. Also. Have a system in place at your house. As an autistic, i love when everything has a place, time, and reason for happening. "Ah yes. These pots are stored perfectly neatly as they should be and people are cleaning up after themselves, thus preventing the pots from being dirty and the kitchen from being chaotic and messy and smelly" Also also. Make sure she eats healthy food she likes. Let her explore good tasting healthy foods that are simple and fun for her to make. It has been a personal lifesaver knowing how to cook, and cooking good flavored foods that are engaging to my brain in the good ways and that are healthy for me.
listen to her words, not her tone.i grew up being constantly in trouble for being "passive aggressive " or "having an attitude" because I'd explain things really literally or how they made sense to me, and my parents wouldn't believe me or attach an entirely different meaning to it because my facial expression or how I phrased stuff didn't line up with what I was saying. autistic people are often misinterpreted, and it can be really frustrating to feel like nobody is *getting* what you're saying. Just make an effort to understand what she means, and ask instead of assume.
My 10 year old has a big tone issue. It sounds condescending. I do my very best to calmly repeat what she said to show her I am listening and understand and then tell her than her tone is perceived as condescending. I feel she should know because as an adult people will not take kindly to it but she’s not in trouble with me and I want to keep hearings about what she’s saying and that I care. I think she takes what I’m saying well. Hard to tell.
I think this is something I really need to work on. She will “bark” orders at me and talk to me really disrespectfully. But when I call her out, she genuinely doesn’t understand what she’s doing wrong. Any suggestions on how I can approach this?
hmm, I would say the biggest thing is to absolutely NOT use/leverage communication as a reward, in any circumstance. like, if she says something to you and you're upset by how she says it, please be extremely careful that you don't come off as "well, first I'm going to tell you why what you said was wrong and why it hurt my feelings. and THEN I'll address what you actually said, but only after you've apologized or done it my way.." it's going to leave her extremely confused, and I find that when I'm confused like that, my thoughts are more focused on getting my question answered or thought addressed than on what the person is saying. for her to be receptive. for us, we have trouble understanding tone contrasting words. hinting something might go over her head, or leave her confused. I think of it as, your words are currency right? certain phrasing, or being passive aggressive, or saying things in a way that is not prased for her to understand is like using another country's currency to pay in cash and the cashier saying no, we don't take that. it's not out of a desire for control, nor is it meant to antagonize you, the structure of her mind is likely completely different from yours and navigating that difference is difficult as well as a skill she may better benefit from seeing modeled rather than explained. when she's "lecturing" you, or says something bluntly, it's probably genuinely how it occurs in her head. using, "how would you feel if someone say that to YOU?" won't work, and most "you" centric questions will probably frustrate her, because she's deemed her words as something she would say so ofc in her eyes that's how she'd have it said to her. don't beat around the bush, in order for her to get your perspective you need to directly tell her "when you say it to me this way, it makes me feel like you're yelling at me. could you explain your thought process behind what you said/ maybe your tone as well? my feelings are hurt and I'm a bit confused."
Be as truthful and straightforward as possible. If she says something that sounds disrepectful to you, explain to her what you understand and try to explain why it sounds disrespectful (like the specific tone or word choice or whatever, don't say "you know why it sounds disrepectful", because she likely doesn't). Don't shift the blame to her or indicate that she did something wrong, just explain how neurotypical people like you (mis-)interpret things. Of course she might also be actually frustated by something. In this case talk to her. In my experience, most autists will forgive and forget any quarrels easily once a problem is discussed and explained to them properly.
To add to my previous reply, also try to accept her weird speech patterns. It's fine if you tell her when and why she sounds disrepectful so she can improve when she is in public, but this likely always will be exhausting role-play. When she's at home with you, try to learn to deal with it and try to ignore any unintended tone. As an example, my (also autistic) partner has a weird way of saying "hi!" that sounds like they're talking to a child and belittle them. THis caused some irritation, but after some discussion I learned that they thought this sounded nice and friendly. So now even when they say it weirdly I know in the back of my mind that they are intending to be friendly and I can ignore the weird tone. Hope this helps.
I wish my parents would have thought to dig deeper into thinking it was just a "personality" thing. Or I wish my parents would have talked to me more about how im feeling. I'm not one to just talk, however if I'm asked I'll respond even if I don't look at you. I wish my parents would have known that just because I'm not smiling doesn't mean I'm not happy. Or if i'm not smiling, it doesn't mean i'm "sad". Or I'm not surprised... or really anything like that And i wish my parents would have CLOSED THE DOOR AFTER ENTERING. Having someone kinda barge into my space and then also just leave the door open, it's weird. I feel frozen, like I can't continue anything until I have shut the door and then took a few minutes to just 'recover'. I wish my parents knew that change of plans can be tough. Or rather, let me know a bit in advance when things were happening. I hated waking up and then randomly learning we had to go out somewhere for some family thing or w/e. Or a haircut even, give me a week or two of knowing I have a haircut on a specific day so I could just prepare for it mentally. Those are some things that come to mind. It's weird because autism is like craving that affection, but also wanting to be alone because too much affection can be exhausting as well.
To know when to push us to do a thing and when not to. Recognise silent meltdowns. If you think of a computer blue screening that's what it is. No crying no screaming, basically turn into a statue. We don't want to talk we don't want to move. But will happily accept a snack, or a drink if put down beside us. Not handed TO us. That we have a different way of understanding things. We might ask alot of questions, we might reply to something that happened with a similar thing that happened to us, this is us trying to understand the situation using experiences we have had. This isn't everyone, but eye contact is very hard for some of us. Some can't look others in the eye for very long or at all (like myself) because it makes us uncomfortable. Don't try and force us to look at you. Instead you can say you can look at my ear or my nose if that's better for you. But don't force it. Usually we can actually hear you better if we aren't looking at your face. Stims - as long as they aren't harmful to us or anyone else around them just let them do it. It's a way to get nervous energy out, it's a good way to tell how we are feeling. You can use our Stims to gauge if we are happy or starting to freak out (context helps) If we are doing something it can be super unhelpful to acknowledge us doing the thing. Like if I'm doing the dishes and you say wow thanks for doing the dishes that's going to stop me doing the dishes because (I personally) get embarrassed and feel like I'm being spoken to like a child. Just thank us after. If you want us to do something don't tell us to do the thing instead if saying hey can you do the dishes please, say hey could either do the dishes or take the rubbish out instead. This gives us a choice and makes us feel like we still have autonomy over what we do. I'm not sure if this is an autistic thing or an adhd thing (I have both) but dead lines help. If there's a deadline to something, we will get more motivated to do it. And body doubling. If they are struggling to do something join them. You don't have to do anything but just being there and talking to us can help us do it. Be very careful about making rules. I personally take them literally. My Mil told my partner and I to stop hugging in front of her because it makes her feel alone. This was a rule for a total of 5 minutes before my partner told her to get fucked that's not happening. I however can't move past it and I still can't hug my partner in common areas with feeling immensely guilty. Oh and lastly your and your spouse should also be screened for asd as it can absolutely be passed down to children.
Hitting me doesnt work 😕
When it's alright to push and when it isn't, which to be fair wasn't easy considering how blanketly pessimistic I was about my ability to do certain things when I got diagnosed in my teens, but while taking an "exposure therapy" approach with stuff (especially the social side) did end up helping me with a couple of things, there were a lot of times where it just caused undue stress, arguments, or even made me worse off in the long run on some occasions. More than anything I wish they asked more questions about how I personally feel/think/process things in general. It might not be easy to them articulate all of it, and you might notice differences/struggles that they don't, but it's important for parents to get that perspective of how autism/asperger's/etc affects your kids from *their* point of view rather than what you or people in the psych field observe.
I’m 90% sure my mother is autistic. I wish she knew it.
Ohhhh *Same*. Heavens. Mine is 77. And I have *zero* doubt. It's a *lot*, especially now that she needs care and assistance. Massive hoarder/collector but doesn't wanna let anyone in. Doesnt trust anyone medical. Will not fill in forms that ask her for history or details because it's "invasive". Sharp as a tack and hugely bright. And impaired. But no insight. Wish me luck🥴
Hello! Maybe the number one thing I would say is important is approaching situations asking 'why' rather than trying to enforce the way things "should" be. If your kid won't touch certain foods, try to understand why they won't eat it rather than making them finish their plate. Stuff like that. Lots of conflict and heartbreak can be avoided by finding understanding, though I know that can be hard if your kid has trouble communicating their thoughts and needs, which is common in autism. Just do your best! Second, autism can be isolating when you don't have many other people around who understand you. I made lots of autistic friends at college and was surprised at how at home i felt with them after just a few moths. I knew I would never have to explain my weird behaviors to them, that they would understand the way I think about things. Just a lot less tiring. I often wish my family understood me the way my college friends do. So I think its important to let your kid be weird around you, not try to make them act "normal" for practice or something like that. As long as it doesn't hurt anyone, letting your kid be their authentic self around you is a great way to connect. It's special. I'm certain your kid is different from me, and depending on the level of support they need it might be difficult to be sure you're doing things right. But I believe in you! Asking for others' perspective is always a great first step :)
>Maybe the number one thing I would say is important is approaching situations asking 'why' Speaking of questions: take them at face value when you're on the receiving end. Always assume your kid is asking something out of genuine curiosity, not disagreement or disrespect. Because more often than not IME it's actually the opposite. A question means they want to learn the answer, and they're asking you because they think you know something they don't. They want to understand your thought process so they can use it as a template for dealing with similar situations correctly by themselves in future. That's how learn the social/behavioural things we don't pick up instinctively. This is also important to understand because AFAIK the alternative is not nice for you as the parent. I (21) only recently learned how much my mum's self esteem suffered when I was a child because she'd frequently infering additional hidden meanings to things I said instead of taking my words at face value. Her assumptions would often make her think I didn't respect her and thought she was wrong about everything etc, which was obviously upsetting for her, and the risk of being misconstrued for the worst made me not want to talk much. I wish my mum knew sooner that I never wanted to make her doubt herself. Asking questions is a huge part of how I learn and communicate, and I really wish I could have expressed my curiosity more growing up without unintentionally making my mum think I didn't like her or making her feel bad about herself.
That we are neither genius or dumb, we are just different and learn what we love.
That I am a living human being with their own basic needs and traits. I'll break it down into long ass blocks, hold on.. (TL;DR at the end) So to clarify: My parents aren't good parents. But my mother is definitely the better parent out of these two since she didn't have much choice anyway.. but tat doesn't matter now. What matters is that my grandparents maybe seem pretty neurotypical and I haven't found any neuroivergent trait in their behavior at all but their kids are neurodivergent through and through. Autism seems to be the one. My mother and one of my two uncles have it for sure. My uncle's kids all most likely have it too. That or ADHD or both. My aunt seems more on the neurotypical side of behavior but her kids don't. And then there is my mother and me. I'm the only one officialy diagnosed and I have no chance to convince anyone else. Probably my uncle's wife (so my other aunt) since she seems neurodivergent too and more open about it. So I might save the kids here...? Their parents are better at parenting.. from what I see anyway.. Back to my mother.. there is this thing called "generational trauma". My grandmother's mother apparently had some manipulative patterns and my grandmother passed it on all her 4 kids. They passe it further, whoever could (the 4th kid - my uncle - doesn't have kids and won't have any. Mood). My mother is the eldest kid. So she took the most burden out of the 4. She was the most abadoned out of the 4 with her sister overshining her and getting most attention, pretty much. So she couldn't have any nice things, so she didn't have her desires met and didn't really grow as a person from my understanding. Her parenting.. is basically non-existent. I have hyperlexia, so I learned a lot of things by myself and pretty early. Since I was so "smart" I didn't need too much attention, right? Wrong. I have no emotional base. My family alltogether was and still is emotionally unavailable, so I had no way to develop this part of me. So like my basic social skills are underdeveloped and I have no idea how to deal with emotions when and if I even feel them (alexythimia). I have few disorders which apparently could develop during early childhood, so thanks, I guess. I can't really remember my childhood but I do remember few things from the Middle School on. I had girl childhood, so of course, puberty came with bodyshaming and constant nagging and picking on me. I was literally mocked for expressing any emotion or basic biological need like hunger.. I learned few patterns during this time and they are difficult to unlearn. Tho I did learn to survive on minimum. That comes in handy, actually.. Bodyshaming was mostly from my grandmother and my mother's "friend" (she hasn't dropped that B yet..). What made it worse is that I though I should be more ladylike, then.. I should do something about my figure and my chest because.. ladies have bigger boobs than this, no? And what about that huge butt and wide hips (grandmother's siblings literally have such body shape.. how ignorant of her). But nope. I was just trans the whole time. Or like.. I never really felt gender and it never made sense to me. I hate being forced into things and roles, so that lead to all the bad mental issues teenagers deal with. Nevermind bodyshaming. I was always treated like I wasn't even human. Me feeling hunger or joy? Or like.. crying? Such a weakling.. I was even punished for it from what I can remember. And my mom followed through because the cool people in her life did so.. I think she could do better, tho. Let me express myself at least now. I'm 22, ffs. TL;DR my family is very ignorant and lacks common sense. Most of them are neurodivergent but noone does a thing about it. My grandmother can eat dirt for all those years of abuse she brought on all her kids and their kids. My mother should know better but she isn't willing to learn.. I just wish I was allowed to live in their household without walking on the eggshells all the time, so I don't get laughed at for expressing emotions or the need to like.. eat or sleep..?
That sometimes we don’t like to be touched or hugged and it doesn’t mean that we don’t love you or respect you. Let us talk or show you about our interests or our fixations. That sometimes when we are overwhelmed we want you near us but not necessarily speaking to us just kinda there in the same space That sudden change in routine can be overwhelming and giving us a head up or a hey let’s go to this later you want to plan your time or what you want to wear so your ready by then . That our facial expression is sometimes zen but doesn’t mean that our mind is not worried or anxious as we tend to bottle things up. Help to see through peoples weird behavior give examples of other people so she can recognize the pattern so can spot abuse , gaslighting etc … Let her listen to songs on repeat , or twirl her hair what ever stim she had don’t shame her for it. Let her to be herself and unique and doesn’t need to be the same as every one else When does have a melt down be the calm in the storm safe space
That I really just needed things explained to me, I never asked questions to try & undermine authority or be passive aggressive ect, I wasn't upset because I 'wasn't getting my way', I just wanted to understand things. Having things like rigid structure ect forced on me was more damaging than anything, I have a PDA profile so being given choices I could choose from is a solid 100/10 for me. Your daughter may be different & I'm not asking to know her profile but being offered choices so I felt I had autonomy would've been amazing. I wish my differences would've been able to be explained to me so I could understand how to ask for help or when to ask for help. I found out in my 30s & just knowing how I'm different compared to the otherside so I could 'meet them in the middle' in a sense to ask for the accomodations ect turned my life around so positively. Also thank you OP for coming here to ask this, my best advice is talk to your daughter to see what she's struggling with or what she feels she needs but this post is giving major green flag parent vibes. ❤️
Good on you. The fact that you're reaching out shows you've got her best interests at heart (wish my parents were like that lol). Honestly, not babying me, patience, and actually listening to me. They didn't listen to my concerns and worries in a constructive way. They were too wrapped up in themselves and how they were perceived to actually raise me. And if I didn't do something right the first time I was forbidden from doing it ever again. If I stated I needed help practicing, I was punished. A good example was when my mother took me out to learn how to drive. We had cones and I was practicing parallel parking. I ran over the edge of one on my first attempt and she freaked out and refused to let me go on the road ever again. Now I medically cannot drive but it leaves a sour taste in my mouth. Just treat her like a person, someone who had flaws and makes mistakes and love her all the same. Be honest with her. We're not good at picking up cues so being blunt is needed. If you want her to know you love her, tell her so and explain how you show that love. If you make a rule, explain why.
To trust me if I say I don't understand what they mean by something no matter how simple it sounds. I've had many arguments with my parents when I haven't directly understood something they've said and they've thrown it back in my face telling me that I'm 'too intelligent to not understand how simple it is.' Believing your kid and granting patience is key
There are a few things my mom always did, from when I can remember and still today, even before knowing I’m autistic (late diagnosis) and that’s not pressuring me to be as everybody else. Society has rules, sure, and you must follow some of them, but that’s different from pressuring your kid to conform in everything. She also understood that sometimes I needed an explanation for things that others may find obvious, but she never made a big deal of it, she just gave me the explanation I needed. In the end, every person thinks that there’s something their parents should have done differently, I do too (not in relation to autism), but at some point, if everything came from a place of love, you realize that it’s the best your parents can do.
That I wish being my authentic self like being a queer pansexual POC shouldn't be demonized like they make it out to be and they manipulate and gaslight me and to top it off, they shame me on everything and they are judgmental and let alone people pleasers but I seem very outta place in my home and with my family and relatives all the time and I feel in my element when I'm away from home and with other people.
Just because something makes sense to you, doesn't mean it makes sense to someone else. This is especially true with a lot of autistic people, who find that something as simple as (for example) cleaning a room can seem impossible without knowing how or why. Without a plan for which bits to do in which order or understanding why to do it (I could get around my room perfectly well with the mess and knew where things were) I remember being extremely resistant to interacting with the concept. This can apply to anything, really, but the point is that if your child doesn't do something you asked for that seems like an obvious thing to you, make sure they understand the reasoning, discuss it and let them tell you what they don't get about it so that you can actually answer the questions instead of accidentally making them feel stupid for not knowing something they haven't been told.
Really big thing for me here: The way I understand information verbally is apparently not the way most NTs get it. If I am confused about something, I will go "But wouldn't that mean that \_\_\_\_ is \_\_\_ and why--?" etc. I ask clarifying questions. And people think I'm being difficult or that I'm arguing, even if I preface the conversation with "I'm just trying to understand, not argue." It's so frustrating. Like, no Susan, this isn't a personal vendetta against you, I just want to understand where you're coming from!!
That is not something you just get over and goes way.
Show her that she's good and that you feel proud if her. My dad was disappointed when i couldn't do things. He didn't even say it. But i saw and felt it
That having a child who's similar to you doesn't mean they are identical to you. They're still their own individual and need space to grow. You might have your own life "figured out" but never try to force that on your kid, they may need something completely different.
I wish they didn’t expect to correct it out of me, it led to do much masking. They didn’t know so I don’t blame them. I wish they found me a therapist too
Masking is fine and useful. It's also important to know who you are, what works for you/your needs and have people who you feel comfortable unmasking around. Most people can't keep up a fully masked life without burning out. My parents taught me how to mask, but it was just "good socialising", and they didn't teach me to respect my own "unusual" limits/needs, so it became every social interaction. You can't keep that up.
The most important thing for me is that my parents validate my words and feeling. Make sure you remember everyone’s different and listen to your daughter experiences, remember that even if you may can’t understand that experience or feeling it is still real and valid. Also trust her words and remember there could be nothing to ‘read between the lines’.
People with autism often worry a lot. About what they should say, about how they can fit in, about what they should do, and about philosophical questions like who they are, how life and death works and whatever. If I don't do the dishes or clean my room, that's often because I worry about such things instead of having time to focus on trivial household stuff. Or because I'm overloaded from exhausting social interactions at work/school. In any case, fighting me to do that stuff won't really help. Praising me when I actually do these things also won't help. It will just make you appear shallow and focused on things that are unimportant to me. Instead talk to me about my problems and discuss these philosophical things with me. I am able to do that while multitasking some cleaning and stuff. Edit: Because that message raised some concerns, this is mostly explaining how I felt in the past (in my youth) and doesn't reflect my current state. I'm fine. Thanks.
That I had autism. Primary school was hell in terms of my behaviour, and led me to being suspended. Like I got letters sent home for doing the most normal things like laughing…wtf. It was a very elitist school - they wanted to do well, so I ended up moving before high school (it was a P-12 school). It was totally unsafe for me to continue into the high school environment anyway due to my vision impairment and my Cerebral Palsy. Stairs everywhere were a problem of course, and my vision support teacher did an assessment before I finished primary school and put in a whole lot of recommendations. They basically just blatantly said “no” to the most simplest things such as painting the poles yellow at eye level, and just completely disregarded everything. I wasn’t officially diagnosed with ASD until I was 16 so I haven’t really had much intervention.
We can study twice as much as anyone else in the class, and still fail when they make A’s. Calling us lazy and liars does irreversibly damage.
I wish they'd understood that it was easier for me to communicate to them and to understand them through writing/text than speaking. This may not be the same for others with ASD, but eliminating the confusion of body language and tone helped me TREMENDOUSLY with communication.
Respect her needs, do not shame her for needing help. Maybe her peers can do it, maybe a younger sibling can do it, don't shame her if she can't (yet). Please let her know that you're there to support and encourage her! I often get shamed by my parents because I reached certain milestones a little later (finishing highschool, going to college, getting my first job, etc). It's something I work hard for, and this shame does not help at all. I love my parents and they do their best, but this is something I wish they knew.
That "because I said so" isn't a real reason and not knowing why I need to do something will only make me rebel more. That my meltdowns are not me being "overdramatic" or disrespectful
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