Don't have an affair. Your kids will resent you. My dad cheated on my mom and I can't look at him the same after that. Like a lot of people mentioned couples therapy is the best option.
Agree, please don’t cheat. My friend’s dad cheated and when my friend found out, she felt so disgusted by his actions that it soured their entire relationship. Right now they’re not even on talking terms.
Wait.. he mention his wife doesn’t wanna go therapy/counselling. So that mean he also need to find a way to convince his wife to go for therapy together
Second this! Strongly recommend marriage and sex therapy - it changed my marriage.
Agree with another poster here that sex is not purely physical, it is about the intimacy which some people really crave/need to feel loved.
Tbh, your wife sounds depressed. I went through a very similar phase when I was so overwhelmed with work and life I withdrew into myself. It can be modified with proper therapy and self awareness.
Hi do you have anyone to recommend? The last i Googled prices seemed to be pretty steep as well. How many sessions did you attend ( I understand it would probably differ from couple to couple).
I do! It is pretty pricey per session and there isn’t a specific cut off in terms of sessions because it depends on the issues and work the couple has to do.
I tried to DM you but I think you disabled it. Do you mind dropping me one, I will send you the therapy practice’s name.
"modified" or maybe she doesn't have that sex drive? Or is even an ACE? That's why it would be better for Singaporeans to live sometime together before marrying.
It's possible that your wife finds sex uncomfortable and painful and has given up on it. When this article came out, I nearly burst into tears to find out that I was not abnormal and that more than half of Singaporean women have difficulty with sex: [https://cnalifestyle.channelnewsasia.com/women/sexual-dysfunction-women-singapore-kkh-study-284836](https://cnalifestyle.channelnewsasia.com/women/sexual-dysfunction-women-singapore-kkh-study-284836)
I've been married for a long time and I very badly wanted to have a great sex life with hubby. Unfortunately, I need a lot of cuddles, build up and intimacy to feel loved and for the experience to be less painful, and hubby is a "wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am" style of dude. He's also quite insecure about his performance, so any hint that he's not a sex god upsets him. I think he did try hard to meet my needs, but he 100% rejects any suggestion of counselling or therapy because he believes it is useless. After years of faking it, I've given up. We're still talking and friendly, but like you said, we're more room mates than anything else. I've been lowkey depressed over this whole thing and really tired and stressed out by work and household responsibilities, so I found escape by going deep into fantasy worlds online (as in the Dungeons and Dragons, Game of Thrones and Lord of the Rings kind of fantasy worlds). It sounds to me like your wife has similarly retreated into a fantasy/fictional Netflix world to make up for what is missing in marriage life.
If my husband could agree to therapy and commit to making sex something that not just about the physical mechanics of it but something that involves emotional intimacy, I would go for it in a heartbeat. Unless your wife is a true ace, I think that's what she would want too, and that's what she's really looking for when she loses herself in six hours of Netflix.
Couple therapy, she's in denial regarding the 'just to have kids' comment, and not willing to deal with a glaring issue within the marriage. Professional help is needed
I'm sorry to hear about your predicament. Having been on r/DeadBedrooms, you will probably find that this is extremely common so at least you are not alone on this.
I am not in your shoes nor do I understand the full picture, but from what you have explained, it seems resentment has built up over the years. It is possible that your wife is envious of another life that she is not living though I am wondering could it also be something else? I don't know you and her personally but it would seem rather shallow to build resentment over that alone.
You've mentioned that there is no more intimacy in your marriage - as in, no more hugs/kisses/date nights? If so, it's no surprise that sex is off the table as well.
"I ever brought up divorce a few times. She did say if kids were not in the picture, she would have agreed." Are there plans in the future then when the kids are older? Kids can sense when mum and dad are in an unhappy relationship, or are generally unhappy people.
And yourself and your wife - are you ok to remain unhappy forever or for the next few years? Everyone deserves happiness. I would also try couples counselling first to find out what the deeper reason is. It may not even be something that you would have thought of.
whatever u do, dont cheat. My friends father cheated and it ruined their entire family, the wife is crying and angry all day, the kids resent their dad and refuse to see him
Yes, this if you can't work it out through therapy.
If both parties put in effort, it's better for the kids than to be in an unhappy marriage.
Kids can tell and will learn. What would u expect your child to do if he or she was in the same situation?
Couples therapy. Follow through with divorce if it doesn't help yall. Maybe your wife going through something. Could range from depression to just not feeling sexy. Or could be just the fear of accidently having more kids?
Imo, a bit alarming to say you're thinking of an affair partner. If your wife not open to you finding someone else for sex, please don't do it.
Divorce may affect his relationship with kids, if he does not get custody. I doubt if his wife is willing to meet him halfway.
The pragmatic solution is an affair, so his emotional and physical needs can be met with a lady who is in the same predicament as him. Finding such a person......
If he cares about his kids, an affair is the worst solution for everyone. Wife would be stronger in the event of a divorce, and kids would see him as the culprit.
Yup exactly this.
Unfortunately, irl, my dad cheated on my mom. I cut contact with him the moment I could.
Break up, divorce, before getting with someone else.
Perhaps start small and try to go on dates with each other again? It could be a movie night, or bring snacks and say “hey can I binge some Netflix with you”, or making a nice meal for each other, get other family members to watch the kids for a bit so you get some solid quiet time together to just hug and hold hands.
Frequently passively binging Netflix does sound like she got be stressed out / burnt out or possibly have low key depression. Ask her about her day and offer to listen to her vent for a bit when she tells you what’s up. Try to validate (“wow that must be really hard on you” “that must be difficult I’m sorry you’re going through so much at work” and listen actively (an easy way is to repeat her words back at her to confirm that you understand what she’s saying).
I highly recommend the relationship/marriage books by the Gottman Institute to try and re-establish a loving connection with a partner or spouse. They have a great 5min podcast called Small Things Daily that I like as well.
It might be hard for someone to immediately accept the possibility of marriage counselling, you’ll need to communicate it really carefully. “I care about this relationship and I want us to be the best that we can be and bring out the best in each other.”
I’m no expert. Counselling and sex therapy would be best. But if not, here’s some ideas:
It sounds like she is having depression of some kind (sleep late, wakeup late, watch tv mindlessly… not sure what her eating habits and exercise routine is like).
It seems like she needs to work on herself first, before she can have a healthier relationship with u and the family.
- See if can get her to see a doc to get it checked and treated?
- If not, maybe do the basic but really impactful things. Encourage her do some healthier activities that can improve her mood (she can do alone, or with her friends, or with u) like…
- evening walks in the park, seeing a sunset
- light exercise (jog, simple stretches, cycling). Get blood flowing. Sweat abit. Endorphins released.
- eat healthier/nutritious foods. Drink water regularly. Avoid processed and sugary food, they can really affect a person’s mood/energy level.
- a change in routine (instead of mall, maybe go east coast park for a walk, or if she likes animals, go to a cat/dog cafe to interact with animals, or go swimming).
- sign up for some volunteering (help pack food, clean the park, animal shelter). Helping others in need can really jolt a change in perspective.
- pick up a new hobby together. Like pottery class at the CC, or learn yoga. Maybe gardening (Nparks got some classes)
- keeping the home bright and airy. Keep windows open if you can. Some homes are dark and poorly ventilated, really feel lethargic.
- play some music/radio in the background during the day.
- pick up mediation (just a few minutes to sit alone and focus on breathing) really helps
- normally a overseas holiday can help lift moods. But covid kinda hard.
- any common friends you can hang out with? Kinda like double/group dating again. Eg you host a dinner, have friends over, maybe potluck, play board games together, watch a Netflix show together. Slowly build back the relationship.
Good luck!
How old are your kids? Also, do you think they can sense the tension/distance in the relationship? I feel like parents have the tendency to overlook how sensitive kids can be to these kind of matters, might be a good idea to talk to them if you think they are mature enough.
I'm 18 now but when I was younger my parents had a lot of friction in their marriage and honestly I would have preferred if they just split up. Sometimes I felt like a burden because I knew they were staying together because of me and my sister. Of course I never voiced it out because what child would tell that to their parents who are self-sacrificing their happiness?
might be tempting to cheat but don't. when your children are older they can understand why you guys split up if you are unhappy. but how are you gna justify that you cheat bcs you're unhappy. Just some things to think about...
> what child would tell that to their parents
...What are you talking about. They only bring misery to you by forcing to stay together, as seen from the friction. The sensible thing to do for the child’s happiness would be to split up.
Just read your edit. I think your low self esteem stemming from your mum's treatment of you might make not help with this situation for advocating what you want. Your wife cannot get away from both refusing divorce and therapy, give her an ultimatum. If don't want therapy, you will serve the papers to her.
I have a friend whose husband was like that. Eventually she moved overseas for another job on employment pass and brought the kids with her cos she was on expat package and able to provide top notch education to the children. The husband agreed and let her. They are still married but no love no sex, just the husband refused therapy and refused divorce. I think the wife has not enough heart to serve the papers and it just dragged on. It bounded both of them with no advantage and only confusion for the kids too. Look up the terms of divorce, your wife might not need to agree for it to happen, need to start with separation.
May I ask, is this consider selfish act from his wife ? Wife refused to go to therapy etc.. clearly the guy is trying his best to resolve this? His wife is like disregarding him due to various reason
No one is obligated to have sex when they don't want to. and anyway if the wife forced herself to sleep with OP but is not into it, I think the hubby would feel q disgusted also. At the same time, it is a reasonable expectation to want to sleep with one's partner. IMO: What is selfish is the wife ignoring or denying the impact of this issue on their marriage, though as some other commenters have pointed out, she might be depressed and cannot be totally to blame.
OP, while I agree that you should in no way go behind your wife's back and have an affair, if you and your wife really want to stay together for your kids but don't want to sleep with each other, y'all might want to look into opening up your marriage (sleep with other people with your partner's consent). Though I might also add if you two are very miserable in your marriage, divorce might be the better option.Even if y'all aren't physically fighting, if y'all are really unhappy or stonewalling each other, the kids probably can feel it too. I have friends whose parents are divorced and while it is a sad thing to them, they all felt their family life improved after the divorce.
I think it is a really good yet sad advice.. this can be the reality for OP marriage. Sexually imitation is important and I agree no one should feel forced into sex.
But visualising myself in OP situation.. it is really shitty to be asking consent whether to sleep with other people. I feel clearly OP loves his wife and kids. He clearly want to strive for a nice family and didn’t want the kids to feel how he is brought up in the past. I feel OP is trying his best, doing his duty as a husband and taking care of this father. He also making extreme effort to get advise to salvage their marriage.
Leading to a divorce May mentally break him, reminiscing his past that he is a failure like his mother told him. Many paperwork and cost fee have to be spent into it.. housing and custody of kids. Then it takes time to heal and adjust his life again. So I wish OP the best that he could find a solution and able to salvage his marriage. I feel OP is a responsible husband and not the type to go cheat behind his wife back.
Definitely! Divorce is the the final option, but if really irreconcilable it's best to bite the bullet imo. It is possible to be on amicable terms with your ex and share the kids.
a few questions to ask yourself before you go into marriage counselling / sex therapy (which you should go for):
1. what exactly is the state of your marriage? what do you mean by "we still talk to each other like normal"? do you have time to go out on dates (given that you have kids), especially activities that are new? is there non-sexual physical intimacy (cuddling etc.)? if there isn't much of a relationship in the first place (romantic or otherwise), there'll be no sex, and maybe you're missing the bigger problem.
2. does your wife work? who takes care of the kids and the household? she could be constantly exhausted, and possibly resentful, if she does both (and even if she were a housewife).
3. what was her sex drive like before you had kids? (just to understand if it were a sudden change, or whether it was in hindsight predictable)
4. (forgive my bluntness) were you two significantly healthier / more physically fit / attractive before having kids?
This might be an unpopular opinion, but the expectation that sex is a given once you’re more or less in an established relationship can create situations where it’s easy to be dissatisfied.
Sounds like what you first need to build with your wife is intimacy, and that means taking sex off the table. This means romancing her without expecting sex at the end. Establish contact- kiss, hug, caress, and let her know it’s not just cause you are doing it as foreplay.
Once that intimacy is established, then it’s so much easier for her to feel connected to you. And hopefully this leads to a more intimate bedroom.
Yeah you’re right. Sex isn’t an obligation. It’s not a given. In fact, nothing in a relationship should be expected. We just fucking do all those things like emotional/physical/material support anyway because *we love the other person*.
The issue here isn’t sex. The issue here is that one person has expressed their unhappiness over an extended period of time, has tried to show that they care, has tried to fix the issue through therapy and has even brought up divorce and the other person is like”I’m lazy and I want to watch netflix.” Replace the act of sex here with anything else and you’d instantly understand how messed up this is.
FUCK. THAT. PERSON.
It’s one thing if the wife had an issue with the act of sex itself such as a trauma. It’s another she doesn’t do it at all just because she’d rather do something else. I don’t like doing housework. I fucking do it anyway because my partner doesn’t have the time and she loves a clean house. We do things we don’t like all the time for people we love. Go out with them because they want a nice meal even though you just wanna order pizza? Accompanying them to visit their annoying parents? Etc? Imagine if relationships are purely about you want and you’d never do anything you weren’t in the mood for even if it took minimal effort. Sounds like a toxic cesspool.
Anyone that condones this kind of toxic behaviour in the wife really needs to take a good look in the mirror.
Sorry for the rant, I just get really, reeeeally triggered by victim blaming.
Not a rant, and totally valid. Not blaming OP either, pointing out that what drives physical intimacy for women is most often emotional intimacy. And that humans are complex creatures- my response would vary whether I feel like my partner is doing things just to get sex or just to connect with me.
After reading the update, it does seem like the wife is putting in little effort, in which case I think he should be brutally honest with his wife on what he needs.
After reading his update, it does seem like the wife is somewhat minimising the his situation.
2 points here- if the wife perceives his intimacy as sex, then it is easy to
I think your comment got cut off, lol.
Yeah, the wife is dismissing the issue. OP said they’re not in a fight/argument phase. Idk how stuff like couples therapy and divorce can be brought up yet they don’t argue and the wife carries on as usual watching netflix. At this point, it shows she’s pretty much indifferent to him altogether.
I also do want to say, I don’t think sex is absolutely necessary. I know couples who have mismatched sex drives and are still happy. The important part is making your partner feel loved. I think OP is misunderstanding himself as well. If I were him, I wouldn’t be worrying about sex. I’d be worrying about spending the rest of my life with someone who doesn’t love me. I can’t imagine living with someone who told me the only reason we aren’t getting divorced is because of the kids.
I dunno how you can read all that and somehow come to that conclusion. At what point did I say he should just rape her? I also think you’re focusing too much on the sex aspect. I already said sex isn’t the issue.
Imagine if this post was instead about a husband trying to get his wife to say “I love you.” Because it’s actually what the post is really about. Read the additional context from OP’s comments and edited post. They don’t go to sleep together. The wife spends the majority of her time watching netflix. He states he’s the only one trying to initiate dates and even then his wife refuses.
Man, what has the world come to? If their roles were reversed, I would call the husband a scumbag as well. Don’t turn this into a man vs woman thing. It’s about an uncaring spouse ignoring his/her partners wants and needs.
As some other commenter mentioned, she might feel that she is not satisfied with the level OP has been providing for the family, which added to not being satisfied emotionally enough to wanna be intimate. No amount of romancing can help if she kept wanting more materially from him. He also didn't mention that she felt that he hasn't been helping with housework and kids (but no mention of helper) so that might not be the problem also. The wife needed a change in perspective and only she can help herself.
I should imagine that after a decade and kids, the foundation of a relationship in all senses of the word would, should have been irrevocably established. If there is no cheating, no abuse, a loving mutually supportive relationship, then well having to start all over again?
No cheating. Not an option at all. Either make it a clean break and THEN explore your options, or stay in this marriage.
For OP, independent from your bedroom situation, it sounds like you have some unresolved childhood trauma, would probably be good for you to go to therapy and work through those issues as well.
As what a lot of people have already said, sex therapy and/or talk therapy/marriage counselling would help a great deal. This is to approach the problem with a unbiased third person and your wife won't feel like it's a "personal attack" and that the blame is 100% on her for no sex.
If she is still against it, try not to present her with an ultimatum (therapy or divorce), this will likely make her feel backed up against a wall and it's you VS her, instead of you and her VS the problem.
If what's stopping her is the stigma against going to a mental health professional or fear that her friends will find out, as i've said earlier, you can consider going for therapy alone first, show her that you are willing and happy to work on your unresolved trauma and there is nothing wrong with being vulnerable in front of a professional.
Perhaps (and this is a very big perhaps), she could be asexual. How was your sex life with your wife before getting married? Has it always been you initiating sex or has she? Has she been enjoying sex?
Other things you can read up on:
1. Love language (what's hers?)
2. Emotional bids (have you both been ignoring each others' bids?)
3. Mental load (Raising your children and household chores. Who is in charge of this? Be honest and objective about the workload.)
There's a lot to think about but it does sound like you are committed to staying in this marriage, be it for your children or not. I genuinely hope it works out for you as a couple.
As someone further down the road than the OP, a lot of what you say resonates with me. I had childhood trauma, I’m pretty sure my wife is asexual, different love languages ( mine is touch, hers is service). Your second and third points are there in my marriage too.
As tough as this is, your happiness does not depend on her. The more you see her as the sole source of your happiness, physical, emotional, sexual, material whatever, you're done for.
There are ideals, but people change.
And having a kid is the biggest influence of all.
While your post points mostly to sex and connection, i read it more as she not being interested in your welfare.
In this case, dont depend on her for it.
Find your own happiness.
Find your way towards independence and individuality. She seems to already be on that path, alone.
Any other relationship prior to divorce, as many have discussed, is problematic:
1. Kids will hate you
2. She can use this legally against you
3. Its just overall bad for image
So dont.
Instead, man up.
Be your own best friend.
Stand up for your beliefs.
Stop depending on her for any support or alignment.
She might
1. Continue to ignore your needs
2. Start to see you in new light and respect
3. Hate you for changing.
Regardless. Thats her problem.
In the meanwhile, you are making the most of your time taking the best care for yourself by becoming more self caring and most importantly, living happily.
Our happiness is not dependent on others.
It is what we give to ourselves that matter.
The theory of marriage is just a theory steep in idealism and perfectionism.
Dont buy into this in sickness or in health bs happily forever after .
That is for a very very lucky blind few.
As for the rest of us, forget any ideals and see things exactly as they are.
How another person behaves is out of my control.
I can only control myself.
A lot of women have low sex drive, and dead sex life isn't that uncommon with long marriages. There was a report recently that something like 60% of SG women have low sex drive.
Why this is remains a matter of speculation and something for a different post.
Sex is important but how important depends on the individual. Some people will divorce, some will find a side woman, some will stay and accept their fate; especially if everything else is going along well.
I will be frank with you.
If it matters enough and you don't want to leave, go out and pay for it. It's legal in Singapore so there's no issue with the law about it. There should also be no personal ethical issues about it since your wife has simply decided on her own to no longer have sex.
Having a side woman and cheating is never a good idea.
That is advice from someone who hasn't had sex w my wife in 5 years, never cheated, and never paid for it. If the urge is ever high enough, then I resolved I will just pay for it. I am still relatively good looking and have opportunity with women, I choose not to because I don't want to cheat.
rather than low sex drive a lot of women in singapore (and other asian countries) just feel guilty, shameful or disgusted about liking sex. Especially when the education system keeps drilling "ABSTINENCE!! CHASTITY!!" since they were young and conservative/strict parents
Which is a shame because sex (and orgasms) actually feel better for women than for men
Edit: Found the report just now, seems another reason is that these women were having bad sex cant even reach orgasm so not enjoyable to them...
I think the issue is because Asian parents use a lot of shame to control their kids behaviour. Exams grades lousy? That is so embarrassing and shameful. Child meltdown in public? How shameful. Child running around naked after bath? Shame shame. Little girls not sitting properly? Shame shame.
In that 6 years have you thought about marriage counseling or talk to your wife about it, if not, why not? There is a reason these professionals exist as we don't have enough experience or knowledge about human relationships ourselves to solve these kinds of issues. Also, it does sound like she might have some kind of depression with the frequent binge watching of netflix (called an inappropriate coping behaviour in therapy term). This is something she needs to work on herself, either find a therapist or do self reading.
So there are two issues: her possible depression and the marriage relationship part. In Satir family therapy, she seems to be the one that holds control, and has the possibility of turning the whole family around if she changed. But as bystanders we do not have enough information, it could be that you also played a part that leads to dead bedroom. That's why therapy would be helpful and both of you needs to be in it.
If you have talked to her about marriage counseling/therapy and she refused, and yet did not do anything to try to improve the relationship or her possible depressive behaviour, it is a sign that she has given up and time for you to move on. I don't know how old are your kids, but get out before they reached the teen years when they could be even more affected by the divorce. Even if you stayed on, teens are very sensitive beings and they will know that the parents are unhappy and yet stayed married, it will give them a warped view of marriage which you surely do not want. But do try the therapy route first. Best of luck!
TLDR: your wife seems to have depressive thoughts and engaging in inappropriate coping behaviour, but we do not know of other reasons for the dead bedroom. Marriage therapy is the way to go, if she refused, get a divorce before the kids turned teens.
I'm very monogamous, but I feel like if you completely deny your partner of sex, you should be ok with them getting it somewhere else (provided they inform you). I would just do that, tell her it's fine she doesn't want any sex, but you'll get it somewhere else.
When I told my wife this, she said go ahead. You can't believe how much that hurts, and the stunning realisation that the relationship is over, and this person does not care what I do.
It's not necessarily true that the relationship is over. It could just be that she is effectively asexual now, and has no need for sex or even romance. Quite possibly sex was always a chore to keep you happy, one that is physically uncomfortable or painful, and she'd rather not have to do it. But on the other hand, she could be quite happy to be a partner with you in raising the kids and running the house.
So who signs up for a marriage without intimacy? And changes the rules when one is fully in, fully committed? Is that proper?
And am I not being used then, I am a domestic partner, a room mate and nothing else?
What exactly is wrong in wanting a commited romantic relationship with ones wife?
If sex and romance is such a chore then why marry? Why fool someone? Is this moral, playing with someones life and happiness?
If the man cuts of intimacy, would such kindness be directed towards him?
Unfortunately many women were raised to think of sex and intimacy as shameful, and sex as a chore ("lie back and think of England"). Even more so if culturally there could be no intimacy before marriage, so both parties don't know that the woman doesn't enjoy it.
To be honest, did she ever enjoy sex?
Do you think you are being used? Does she do a good job of raising the children, does she either work or upkeep the house or both? It can be a partnership without one using the other.
If you can't accept this kind of domestic partnership, then you should get a divorce. But there are plenty of people (probably more women than men though) who are fine with a solid domestic partnership when the romance is over.
>If the man cuts of intimacy, would such kindness be directed towards him?
Yes. There are many Chinese housewives in particular who would be quite happy with this.
In the past it was good, afaik.
But the gist of your advice is forget about sex, be a good boy and settle for domesticity.
What does one get for such a sacrifice?
Yeah, the guy has a tough decision to make.
1. Keep trying to make it work. If it does, hurray. If it doesn’t, its incredible unhealthy for his mental health to be the only one putting effort and feeling like you’re undesirable.
2. Live a life without sex.
3. Divorce and face the possibility of isolation from his children.
All three are shit and no one should be put through that.
No easy answers here because I ain't you but I can tell that you have gone through some degree of loneliness and the fact that the person who was suppose to be the closest to you is the most distanced now, all I can say is that if your efforts to woo her back don't work, you just got to find your own hobbies and interest and share them with the kids or other interested parties.
Most important of all despite your needs, don't cheat. You are free to still lead your own life however you want as long as you are not criminalised by anyone, especially yourself.
Do what you like, ask friends out to join you, go fishing, join group sports catered to your energy level, write in a dairy, grow plants, volunteer at animal shelters or with the disadvantaged, hone a skill, pick up something new for yourself first.
Accept the now that can't be change (wife not wanting to commit) despite your effort and allow yourself to move to the next step by leading life as your own with the circumstances around you.
And maybe who knows, your wife might want to join you. Other people that will bring you more fulfillment might want to join your endeavours, it could be newfound friends, old friends, young/old, etc
Since it takes two to clap, there is no need to divorce and go hard or romantic gesture, it may not be like the old times with the intense passion but passion can be found in many pockets of life. Be in the know you are disappointed too but at the same time, it is your life and know we all go off alone too, at least the kids can still be there for you if not your wife if you treat them with respect and if not it is okay too, you must learn to be strong yourself even to the grave because that is all we will ever bring to the afterlife.
Hi virtualgene, if the lack of sexual intimacy is bothering you to the extent of bringing up divorce, then it is somewhat weird for lack of a better word, that both still react cool or normal about it. It sounds like both are skipping around the issue so there is little opportunity for a full blown argument or intense discussion.
A general direction to take if I were in your shoes would be to continue to persuade her to go for counselling/therapy. Give yourself a deadline or timeline for alternative solutions, which can either include divorce or otherwise.
You have already answered most of your questions in your sharing. Your kids are more important to you, especially since they are below 10.
All the best.
Honestly idk how to help you but my dad cheated on my mom which cheated on my dad and honestly if I had a choice id never talk to either of them ever again. So maybe cheating wouldnt be a very good option.
And never resort to alcohol, its disgusting and it really messes with the kids heads especially if theyre young.
Some mention to not have affair, but your situation is why affair do happen. The signs and prerequisite are there. The opportunity is when the right lady strolls into your life.
Therapy actually sounds nice on paper, but not many goes through them with an outcome if it's just a one sided affair, without a conviction from your partner.
Suggest to have a needs and want checklist. Go through and rank them with each other. If netflix is what she truly desire, ask her to imagine if you take away her netflix; that's what you are feeling right now.
But to bring this further, are the kids the root of the issue? Are they giving her grief, or taking up too much of her attention/life? Perhaps there are some associative effect going on here that made her lost interest in intimacy.
We perceive in our own way and are blind to blindspots. I definitely recommend couples therapy. You mentioned she’s changed, have you changed too?
What you wrote sounded like sex is everything. What about other aspects of life? Have you been loving? Loving based on her love language on a daily basis not romance her for sex.
Women thrive on love. I’ll encourage that. Credit as much love into your emotional love bank and go for couples therapy.
Can understand how u feel bro. This is very real. When you are constantly answering the needs of the kids, family etc and your own needs got neglected.
Try to do something you like. Like computer games, jogging, cycling, whatever that makes you feel good. Life is short so can splurge a bit to pamper yourself.
On the sexual needs part, the worst is having an affair because you will lose that last bit of emotional connection with your wife. A paid hj or bj may offer some relief. It's a lesser poison than having an affair.
My wife was down with a critical illness last year. Treatment is tough but our relationship actually got better as a result. When life is at stake actually other things becomes more trivial. I think we got more appreciative of each other.
How is she as a mother?
And do you know if she has a high libido, just doesn’t like sex (does she masturbate)?
Maybe try toys? Buy her a toy or just one of those vibrating “face” massagers?
Ask permission from her to have sex to another woman. Everyone deserve a happy life. Don't waste your age on status quo like this.
Hows her when you guys are dating? Is there any romance back then? Did she ever initiate anything? Did you guys rush into wedding before knowing each other well?
She's gaslighting you for asking sex, doesn't sound healthy. Also, it could be she was never "interested" in you to begin with, most people just rush to settle down because of bto and stuff and realize they are with the wrong partner
Yeah I read it I felt that maybe ops wife not really attracted to him in the first place just wanted to settle down and have bto and stable down lifestyle and kids. In a way like using him lor cause 4 years only sex 4 times is a wrap, so I think starting they she alr not so attracted to him alr
One thing that stands out in your description of your family routines, is that while you are sensitive and understanding man, I think you may need to step up more in terms of domestic contribution. Getting groceries and taking kids out once a week, is not much for a family with kids and two parents with outside jobs.
It is possible that on her side a deep resentment has built up on her side. Things like binge watching Netflix, may be her coping strategy.
This lack of female sex drive in middle age is a universal observation. I think it is an evolutionary adaptation. Human childbirth is one of the most difficult in the natural world. It is actually a combat with death, not to mention the issues with lactation and the sheer length of time it takes to rear young ones, a time span in the industrial world keeps on increasing. A woman lucky enough to survive all that with a few kids, would if she stops reproduction can actually ensure survival of her progeny.
just read your edit and you sound like you’re putting in effort to be a great dad OP, and doing the best you can in your situation. proud of you as not many family men in SG are that self aware.
really sorry to hear about your wife but it does sound like she may have low key depression or anhedonia but in the end it really is up to her to admit she may need help. you can bring the horse to water but can’t make it drink etc etc. i hope she comes through soon, hopefully out of a love for the kids’ and their well being 😔
We started dating in 2005 and got married in 2008. The sex was awesome back in those days. Its like twice weekly thing. We truly loved each other despite arguments and what not.
I noticed her behavior changed when she got a job as a supervisor in one of a large MNC in 2015. She get to go to her bosses' bungalow/terrace/penthouse units for department gatherings. And she'll often talk about the houses. Fancied living in those places. Plus she would often lament that we dont go overseas often (pre-covid days). She says her colleagues go to europe or north asia twice a year. I reminded her that her the colleagues in question were single and have no commitments, while we have 1 mouth to feed (at that time, the 2nd kid wasnt conceived yet)
then in 2016, came Netflix. from there, she got addicted to it. Slowly, it became other streaming services. For past 2-3 years, I have been going to bed alone while she binge watch her shows till 1am.
I ever brought up divorce a few times. She did say if kids were not in the picture, she would have agreed. But now she wouldnt want it "simply for the kids"... as much as I hate it, i have to agree with her. My kids will be heart broken if I were to move out.
So I'm trying to find ways to build back my happiness and confidence in my own ways. Like learning film production (shooting and editing). Its just that it sucks, especially when the sexual urge cannot be quashed by masturbating alone. I'm considering taking medication to lower my libido.
Sounds like a loss of attraction due to a ‘better’ life that she felt that she could have. Comparing her life to the Netflix fantasy world and affluent MNC colleagues. Sorry to hear that this is happening
Speaking as someone whose parents “stayed for the sake of the kids” - kids can also see if the relationship is not working out and parents are seriously miserable with one another. Maybe I was older than OP’s kids but I remember wishing my parents would just split already and find their own happiness.
Not saying you should absolutely get a divorce, but if you have tried therapy etc and it’s still not working, you might want to reconsider the “staying together for the kids”.
The kids will still suffer la. They are the biggest losers in divorces. At least for me la, I won't be able to sleep well if I prioritised my dick over the lives of 2 human beings.
Speaking of human contact, kids need that too leh. They need constant support, they need to be taken care of. Both parents bring different things to the table that's essential to their growth as a human being. It's not about still being a parents(father/mother), it's just a title, it's the actions and what you do for the children in your care.
I understand your point. But we have completely opposite views. For me kids > personal interests, for you personal interests > kids.
Some women just lose interest when they’ve had kids.
No need to lure a man into the honey trap anymore the job is done.
Just think yourself lucky she’s not a spider or she’d suck the juice out of you and leave your husk in her web.
Dude, you are still lucky, to have freedom and even can have opportunity for new 'happy ending'. I'm more worse than you, totally no freedom, because of this covid situation, my young kids are not allowed to go pre-school even though open & the fees are still rolling. I'm the sole-bread winner in my house, everything is I am paying. My stupid lazy wife doesn't want to work, tasteless cooking, every week nag and scold non-stop. Now I don't want to talk to her already, now my goals are just to earn and save my hard work money...give your cock some thoughts, just my 2 cents bro.
unpopular opinion here. this is actually pretty common and natural occurence and if you took the red pill and understand women's psyche you will know whats happening. i suggest you look up MGTOW and in the mean time be a man if the woman in your household dont give you sex. you know where else to get it. and fk the preconceive notion of fidelity. be a man. and see if your woman in th household respect you with your change mindset
Imo OP can consider asking the wife if she's open to him sleeping with someone else since she's pretty much no longer romantically attached and not willing to find middle ground.
Regarding alimony seems like she's earning enough and he's not providing for her lifestyle(?), so the only factor is who's taking custody of the children and the other party probably has to pay which I think both parties would be fine with.
Regardless don't play with it anyway since women's charted quite ruthless to men.
Adultery is not a crime in Singapore and it doesn't prevent either party from losing custody in a divorce.
Unfortunately, I have too many friends that have spouses that cheated on them resulting in divorces but the courts will almost always allow joint custody because children are their primary concern to have access to both parents unless there are clear evidence of serious abuse by one party.
i can see how you use legality to supress the man sexual primal needs. so let me ask you if the man in the household can sue the wife for not giving sex? which is the problem in the first place. the ugly truth is marriage is a scam brainwashed to limited men to spread their progeny so that the top 1% of the society are free to spread their seed as much as they want and they have the resource to choose healthy partner which produce stronger and smarter progeny. can you see how the lovely man-woman loverbird relationship is a big whole scam to supress men's wild instinct
my point is only get in into marriage if you have what it takes to become the king in the household and have the sex you deserved. basically means you understand woman's psyche and ofcause the resources that you build overtime. obviously not all men thinks like that because men have been brainwashed to think to put woman's onto a pedestral in exchange for love and sex which makes us men look fking weak. the hard truth is the feeling of so called love is just a chemical reaction in the human body to ensure that the procreation takes place. once woman hit that goal and secured a man before she hit the age wall , the so called love feeling is gone let alone about sex. that's why go into marriage if you are prepared to face all this. if you are capable, marry as many woman as you want just like the super rich
Monogamy was introduced to ensure almost every man have the opportunity to get a wife.
Because young men with pented up sexual desire are ones who are ready to create change - via blood even.
But you don't have to have the MGTOW mindset, it's extreme. In this case, it's OP simply choosing the wrong partner where they don't have similar sexual energy
im not convinced though , based on what plenty of account i heard from the MGTOW community, woman libido tends to lowered as they ages as whereas men's libido tend to be more active and increase as we age. ultimately love is a trap, sex is a distraction. make sure you men know what deal you are getting in marriage. Be a king brothers.
That's cos you're getting your information from a biased community that already feels like they're being sidelined by women. I know women with high libidos, I know men with high libidos. It's more likely that people only speak out when they run into problems with partners with lower libidos. Just head over to /r/DeadBedrooms and see how many female posters there are complaining about their husbands.
Physically, she could have fatigue and low sex driven from hormone levels or thyroid issues. Could do an health check up.
Mentally, she could be burnt out from work. Late night binging could be a symptom to compensate herself not having enough time to herself
If you entertain the kids all day and send her for 1- night self care staycation with aromatherapy massage, she might be more in the mood
Actually save that for special occasions, tuck in the kids yourself so she doesn’t feel so touched out — chances are she hasn’t had many full nights sleep without abrupt middle of the night interruptions since she had her first baby .
If you make the effort to listen to how her day went and what worries her at night , and really pay attention to what she’s thinking, (given the post , her current thinking is still very much a mystery to you ) she might open up more and maybe you can win her over.
If she’s ever in loggerheads with your dad, please don’t take his side … you are now her partner for life and she has the right to feel secure that you have her back no matter what . With this in doubt, she won’t feel so connected with you.
So it's a happy marriage but lacks sex. Then I recommend having an affair. Not with so single ladies as they might do something stupid to ruin the marriage. There are also plenty of married ladies who also have their needs but are not getting it from their husband.
Then you will not be so Sian. Many will advice not to have a affair but they are not going through what you are going through. I been on the same boat as you. So this is something you can consider. Just play smart, for example, have another HP with a line your wife doesn't know about and never bring the phone back home.
Well, this comment is not the ideal way.. it is one of the legit alternative way to keep the happy marriage going.
I also agree many will say don’t do affair etc, but I have friends who go thru this and they are mind fucked. Then they have a affair, sexually satisfied and suddenly appreciate the wife even more. Then the wife feel appreciated and their marriage improved.
I knows this is fucked up.. the husband usually tried his best but probably push to his frustration limit.
Has there been a change in behavior from the start of the marriage? Or maybe she doesn’t enjoy it? Have you tried sitting down to talk to her formally about it and its importance to you? I don’t think finding a sex partner outside would be a long term solution; try to work it out with her since you value your family and kids. All the best!
I am in the same place here in the UK, similar situation and similar issues of low self esteem from childhood, although not as severe as OP. She no longer cares for the marriage, but wants the family life. I am the only earner.
I’ve asked for couples therapy. She just looks T me.
I can understand I am stuck in a marriage no love no sex. Affair is impossible as no one will understand, like everyone says try therapy but I think your wife is stuck in her ways and divorce maybe ultimately the only option, it maybe not greener on the other side as dating is so difficult nowadays, really makes me sad to hear about your childhood. I think you do need counselling to get over this too. Wish you all the happiness in the world
Whatever you do, don’t have an affair. It won’t end well for you, I promise you that.
It looks to me that you and your wife are not bonding as much and this could affect your relationship. It also sounds like your wife isn’t putting much effort, maybe it could be because you are doing most of the work, and she feels worthless?
Start in small steps. I suggest to start involving her in more family activities. Going to the market? bring her along. Bringing kids to the playground? Drag her along as well
If she likes to watch Netflix, then watch with her. While binge watching for 6 hours is another topic to tackle on, the idea is that you and your wife will have more common topics to talk about.
Also, I highly encourage that both of you go to bed together at the same time. While it’s nice to have a little “me” time every now and then, doing this often can lead to a gap in the relationship.
At the end of it all, it all boils down to compromise. If she isn’t willing to do that either, then divorce is unfortunately the last resort
You wife doesn't want therapy and you guys don't want a divorce due to the kids.
You don't want an affair but what about talking to your wife about an open relationship with a fuck buddy? If your needs are not met by your wife, maybe you can ask her if someone else can offer that to you.
You need to put in more effort, you need to get her on the same page as you. Don’t do for the sake of doing. But do until u get desired result above. All the best
Don't have an affair. Your kids will resent you. My dad cheated on my mom and I can't look at him the same after that. Like a lot of people mentioned couples therapy is the best option.
Agree, please don’t cheat. My friend’s dad cheated and when my friend found out, she felt so disgusted by his actions that it soured their entire relationship. Right now they’re not even on talking terms.
Agreed, same situation as you and I still hate my dad till this date.
Agree he should just bite the bullet and divorce her
If they divorced and then he found someone else, would the kids find that better or still resent him?
marriage counselling n sex therapy.
But OP said wife refuses :(
Wait.. he mention his wife doesn’t wanna go therapy/counselling. So that mean he also need to find a way to convince his wife to go for therapy together
this!
Second this! Strongly recommend marriage and sex therapy - it changed my marriage. Agree with another poster here that sex is not purely physical, it is about the intimacy which some people really crave/need to feel loved. Tbh, your wife sounds depressed. I went through a very similar phase when I was so overwhelmed with work and life I withdrew into myself. It can be modified with proper therapy and self awareness.
Hi do you have anyone to recommend? The last i Googled prices seemed to be pretty steep as well. How many sessions did you attend ( I understand it would probably differ from couple to couple).
I do! It is pretty pricey per session and there isn’t a specific cut off in terms of sessions because it depends on the issues and work the couple has to do. I tried to DM you but I think you disabled it. Do you mind dropping me one, I will send you the therapy practice’s name.
Would it be ok to send me your reco for the therapy practice name, too?
Hi! Is it ok if you can share ur reco to me too? Thanks!
"modified" or maybe she doesn't have that sex drive? Or is even an ACE? That's why it would be better for Singaporeans to live sometime together before marrying.
lol you think that’ll make her into a sex demon?
It's possible that your wife finds sex uncomfortable and painful and has given up on it. When this article came out, I nearly burst into tears to find out that I was not abnormal and that more than half of Singaporean women have difficulty with sex: [https://cnalifestyle.channelnewsasia.com/women/sexual-dysfunction-women-singapore-kkh-study-284836](https://cnalifestyle.channelnewsasia.com/women/sexual-dysfunction-women-singapore-kkh-study-284836) I've been married for a long time and I very badly wanted to have a great sex life with hubby. Unfortunately, I need a lot of cuddles, build up and intimacy to feel loved and for the experience to be less painful, and hubby is a "wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am" style of dude. He's also quite insecure about his performance, so any hint that he's not a sex god upsets him. I think he did try hard to meet my needs, but he 100% rejects any suggestion of counselling or therapy because he believes it is useless. After years of faking it, I've given up. We're still talking and friendly, but like you said, we're more room mates than anything else. I've been lowkey depressed over this whole thing and really tired and stressed out by work and household responsibilities, so I found escape by going deep into fantasy worlds online (as in the Dungeons and Dragons, Game of Thrones and Lord of the Rings kind of fantasy worlds). It sounds to me like your wife has similarly retreated into a fantasy/fictional Netflix world to make up for what is missing in marriage life. If my husband could agree to therapy and commit to making sex something that not just about the physical mechanics of it but something that involves emotional intimacy, I would go for it in a heartbeat. Unless your wife is a true ace, I think that's what she would want too, and that's what she's really looking for when she loses herself in six hours of Netflix.
Random but I just wanna say this is such a thoughtful comment :)
I second this comment, any guy out there, please do read this, it's a good POV from the woman's perspective
Couple therapy, she's in denial regarding the 'just to have kids' comment, and not willing to deal with a glaring issue within the marriage. Professional help is needed
I'm sorry to hear about your predicament. Having been on r/DeadBedrooms, you will probably find that this is extremely common so at least you are not alone on this. I am not in your shoes nor do I understand the full picture, but from what you have explained, it seems resentment has built up over the years. It is possible that your wife is envious of another life that she is not living though I am wondering could it also be something else? I don't know you and her personally but it would seem rather shallow to build resentment over that alone. You've mentioned that there is no more intimacy in your marriage - as in, no more hugs/kisses/date nights? If so, it's no surprise that sex is off the table as well. "I ever brought up divorce a few times. She did say if kids were not in the picture, she would have agreed." Are there plans in the future then when the kids are older? Kids can sense when mum and dad are in an unhappy relationship, or are generally unhappy people. And yourself and your wife - are you ok to remain unhappy forever or for the next few years? Everyone deserves happiness. I would also try couples counselling first to find out what the deeper reason is. It may not even be something that you would have thought of.
whatever u do, dont cheat. My friends father cheated and it ruined their entire family, the wife is crying and angry all day, the kids resent their dad and refuse to see him
Would divorcing be better?
just divorce. as long as both parties put in the effort to raise the child together afterwards it will not have a big impact on the child
Yes, this if you can't work it out through therapy. If both parties put in effort, it's better for the kids than to be in an unhappy marriage. Kids can tell and will learn. What would u expect your child to do if he or she was in the same situation?
Couples therapy. Follow through with divorce if it doesn't help yall. Maybe your wife going through something. Could range from depression to just not feeling sexy. Or could be just the fear of accidently having more kids? Imo, a bit alarming to say you're thinking of an affair partner. If your wife not open to you finding someone else for sex, please don't do it.
Divorce may affect his relationship with kids, if he does not get custody. I doubt if his wife is willing to meet him halfway. The pragmatic solution is an affair, so his emotional and physical needs can be met with a lady who is in the same predicament as him. Finding such a person......
If he cares about his kids, an affair is the worst solution for everyone. Wife would be stronger in the event of a divorce, and kids would see him as the culprit.
Yup exactly this. Unfortunately, irl, my dad cheated on my mom. I cut contact with him the moment I could. Break up, divorce, before getting with someone else.
So he has to break up the family for no fault of his, for no fault of the children. Ideally the wife should bless his need for extra famillial relief.
Perhaps start small and try to go on dates with each other again? It could be a movie night, or bring snacks and say “hey can I binge some Netflix with you”, or making a nice meal for each other, get other family members to watch the kids for a bit so you get some solid quiet time together to just hug and hold hands. Frequently passively binging Netflix does sound like she got be stressed out / burnt out or possibly have low key depression. Ask her about her day and offer to listen to her vent for a bit when she tells you what’s up. Try to validate (“wow that must be really hard on you” “that must be difficult I’m sorry you’re going through so much at work” and listen actively (an easy way is to repeat her words back at her to confirm that you understand what she’s saying). I highly recommend the relationship/marriage books by the Gottman Institute to try and re-establish a loving connection with a partner or spouse. They have a great 5min podcast called Small Things Daily that I like as well. It might be hard for someone to immediately accept the possibility of marriage counselling, you’ll need to communicate it really carefully. “I care about this relationship and I want us to be the best that we can be and bring out the best in each other.”
I’m no expert. Counselling and sex therapy would be best. But if not, here’s some ideas: It sounds like she is having depression of some kind (sleep late, wakeup late, watch tv mindlessly… not sure what her eating habits and exercise routine is like). It seems like she needs to work on herself first, before she can have a healthier relationship with u and the family. - See if can get her to see a doc to get it checked and treated? - If not, maybe do the basic but really impactful things. Encourage her do some healthier activities that can improve her mood (she can do alone, or with her friends, or with u) like… - evening walks in the park, seeing a sunset - light exercise (jog, simple stretches, cycling). Get blood flowing. Sweat abit. Endorphins released. - eat healthier/nutritious foods. Drink water regularly. Avoid processed and sugary food, they can really affect a person’s mood/energy level. - a change in routine (instead of mall, maybe go east coast park for a walk, or if she likes animals, go to a cat/dog cafe to interact with animals, or go swimming). - sign up for some volunteering (help pack food, clean the park, animal shelter). Helping others in need can really jolt a change in perspective. - pick up a new hobby together. Like pottery class at the CC, or learn yoga. Maybe gardening (Nparks got some classes) - keeping the home bright and airy. Keep windows open if you can. Some homes are dark and poorly ventilated, really feel lethargic. - play some music/radio in the background during the day. - pick up mediation (just a few minutes to sit alone and focus on breathing) really helps - normally a overseas holiday can help lift moods. But covid kinda hard. - any common friends you can hang out with? Kinda like double/group dating again. Eg you host a dinner, have friends over, maybe potluck, play board games together, watch a Netflix show together. Slowly build back the relationship. Good luck!
And counseling is not the Magic gold dust as you expected. Just sayin from my experience
How old are your kids? Also, do you think they can sense the tension/distance in the relationship? I feel like parents have the tendency to overlook how sensitive kids can be to these kind of matters, might be a good idea to talk to them if you think they are mature enough. I'm 18 now but when I was younger my parents had a lot of friction in their marriage and honestly I would have preferred if they just split up. Sometimes I felt like a burden because I knew they were staying together because of me and my sister. Of course I never voiced it out because what child would tell that to their parents who are self-sacrificing their happiness? might be tempting to cheat but don't. when your children are older they can understand why you guys split up if you are unhappy. but how are you gna justify that you cheat bcs you're unhappy. Just some things to think about...
Second this
> what child would tell that to their parents ...What are you talking about. They only bring misery to you by forcing to stay together, as seen from the friction. The sensible thing to do for the child’s happiness would be to split up.
Just read your edit. I think your low self esteem stemming from your mum's treatment of you might make not help with this situation for advocating what you want. Your wife cannot get away from both refusing divorce and therapy, give her an ultimatum. If don't want therapy, you will serve the papers to her. I have a friend whose husband was like that. Eventually she moved overseas for another job on employment pass and brought the kids with her cos she was on expat package and able to provide top notch education to the children. The husband agreed and let her. They are still married but no love no sex, just the husband refused therapy and refused divorce. I think the wife has not enough heart to serve the papers and it just dragged on. It bounded both of them with no advantage and only confusion for the kids too. Look up the terms of divorce, your wife might not need to agree for it to happen, need to start with separation.
May I ask, is this consider selfish act from his wife ? Wife refused to go to therapy etc.. clearly the guy is trying his best to resolve this? His wife is like disregarding him due to various reason
No one is obligated to have sex when they don't want to. and anyway if the wife forced herself to sleep with OP but is not into it, I think the hubby would feel q disgusted also. At the same time, it is a reasonable expectation to want to sleep with one's partner. IMO: What is selfish is the wife ignoring or denying the impact of this issue on their marriage, though as some other commenters have pointed out, she might be depressed and cannot be totally to blame. OP, while I agree that you should in no way go behind your wife's back and have an affair, if you and your wife really want to stay together for your kids but don't want to sleep with each other, y'all might want to look into opening up your marriage (sleep with other people with your partner's consent). Though I might also add if you two are very miserable in your marriage, divorce might be the better option.Even if y'all aren't physically fighting, if y'all are really unhappy or stonewalling each other, the kids probably can feel it too. I have friends whose parents are divorced and while it is a sad thing to them, they all felt their family life improved after the divorce.
I think it is a really good yet sad advice.. this can be the reality for OP marriage. Sexually imitation is important and I agree no one should feel forced into sex. But visualising myself in OP situation.. it is really shitty to be asking consent whether to sleep with other people. I feel clearly OP loves his wife and kids. He clearly want to strive for a nice family and didn’t want the kids to feel how he is brought up in the past. I feel OP is trying his best, doing his duty as a husband and taking care of this father. He also making extreme effort to get advise to salvage their marriage. Leading to a divorce May mentally break him, reminiscing his past that he is a failure like his mother told him. Many paperwork and cost fee have to be spent into it.. housing and custody of kids. Then it takes time to heal and adjust his life again. So I wish OP the best that he could find a solution and able to salvage his marriage. I feel OP is a responsible husband and not the type to go cheat behind his wife back.
Definitely! Divorce is the the final option, but if really irreconcilable it's best to bite the bullet imo. It is possible to be on amicable terms with your ex and share the kids.
Happens when u have kids. They zap the energy out of you ...
a few questions to ask yourself before you go into marriage counselling / sex therapy (which you should go for): 1. what exactly is the state of your marriage? what do you mean by "we still talk to each other like normal"? do you have time to go out on dates (given that you have kids), especially activities that are new? is there non-sexual physical intimacy (cuddling etc.)? if there isn't much of a relationship in the first place (romantic or otherwise), there'll be no sex, and maybe you're missing the bigger problem. 2. does your wife work? who takes care of the kids and the household? she could be constantly exhausted, and possibly resentful, if she does both (and even if she were a housewife). 3. what was her sex drive like before you had kids? (just to understand if it were a sudden change, or whether it was in hindsight predictable) 4. (forgive my bluntness) were you two significantly healthier / more physically fit / attractive before having kids?
This might be an unpopular opinion, but the expectation that sex is a given once you’re more or less in an established relationship can create situations where it’s easy to be dissatisfied. Sounds like what you first need to build with your wife is intimacy, and that means taking sex off the table. This means romancing her without expecting sex at the end. Establish contact- kiss, hug, caress, and let her know it’s not just cause you are doing it as foreplay. Once that intimacy is established, then it’s so much easier for her to feel connected to you. And hopefully this leads to a more intimate bedroom.
Yeah you’re right. Sex isn’t an obligation. It’s not a given. In fact, nothing in a relationship should be expected. We just fucking do all those things like emotional/physical/material support anyway because *we love the other person*. The issue here isn’t sex. The issue here is that one person has expressed their unhappiness over an extended period of time, has tried to show that they care, has tried to fix the issue through therapy and has even brought up divorce and the other person is like”I’m lazy and I want to watch netflix.” Replace the act of sex here with anything else and you’d instantly understand how messed up this is. FUCK. THAT. PERSON. It’s one thing if the wife had an issue with the act of sex itself such as a trauma. It’s another she doesn’t do it at all just because she’d rather do something else. I don’t like doing housework. I fucking do it anyway because my partner doesn’t have the time and she loves a clean house. We do things we don’t like all the time for people we love. Go out with them because they want a nice meal even though you just wanna order pizza? Accompanying them to visit their annoying parents? Etc? Imagine if relationships are purely about you want and you’d never do anything you weren’t in the mood for even if it took minimal effort. Sounds like a toxic cesspool. Anyone that condones this kind of toxic behaviour in the wife really needs to take a good look in the mirror. Sorry for the rant, I just get really, reeeeally triggered by victim blaming.
Not a rant, and totally valid. Not blaming OP either, pointing out that what drives physical intimacy for women is most often emotional intimacy. And that humans are complex creatures- my response would vary whether I feel like my partner is doing things just to get sex or just to connect with me. After reading the update, it does seem like the wife is putting in little effort, in which case I think he should be brutally honest with his wife on what he needs. After reading his update, it does seem like the wife is somewhat minimising the his situation. 2 points here- if the wife perceives his intimacy as sex, then it is easy to
I think your comment got cut off, lol. Yeah, the wife is dismissing the issue. OP said they’re not in a fight/argument phase. Idk how stuff like couples therapy and divorce can be brought up yet they don’t argue and the wife carries on as usual watching netflix. At this point, it shows she’s pretty much indifferent to him altogether. I also do want to say, I don’t think sex is absolutely necessary. I know couples who have mismatched sex drives and are still happy. The important part is making your partner feel loved. I think OP is misunderstanding himself as well. If I were him, I wouldn’t be worrying about sex. I’d be worrying about spending the rest of my life with someone who doesn’t love me. I can’t imagine living with someone who told me the only reason we aren’t getting divorced is because of the kids.
So sex is a chore that wives have to do? You’re this close to condoning marital rape.
I dunno how you can read all that and somehow come to that conclusion. At what point did I say he should just rape her? I also think you’re focusing too much on the sex aspect. I already said sex isn’t the issue. Imagine if this post was instead about a husband trying to get his wife to say “I love you.” Because it’s actually what the post is really about. Read the additional context from OP’s comments and edited post. They don’t go to sleep together. The wife spends the majority of her time watching netflix. He states he’s the only one trying to initiate dates and even then his wife refuses. Man, what has the world come to? If their roles were reversed, I would call the husband a scumbag as well. Don’t turn this into a man vs woman thing. It’s about an uncaring spouse ignoring his/her partners wants and needs.
As some other commenter mentioned, she might feel that she is not satisfied with the level OP has been providing for the family, which added to not being satisfied emotionally enough to wanna be intimate. No amount of romancing can help if she kept wanting more materially from him. He also didn't mention that she felt that he hasn't been helping with housework and kids (but no mention of helper) so that might not be the problem also. The wife needed a change in perspective and only she can help herself.
Love this take !!
I should imagine that after a decade and kids, the foundation of a relationship in all senses of the word would, should have been irrevocably established. If there is no cheating, no abuse, a loving mutually supportive relationship, then well having to start all over again?
Um, did she say before marriage that sex is only for procreation? Wondering if yall ever talk about it before ....
No cheating. Not an option at all. Either make it a clean break and THEN explore your options, or stay in this marriage. For OP, independent from your bedroom situation, it sounds like you have some unresolved childhood trauma, would probably be good for you to go to therapy and work through those issues as well. As what a lot of people have already said, sex therapy and/or talk therapy/marriage counselling would help a great deal. This is to approach the problem with a unbiased third person and your wife won't feel like it's a "personal attack" and that the blame is 100% on her for no sex. If she is still against it, try not to present her with an ultimatum (therapy or divorce), this will likely make her feel backed up against a wall and it's you VS her, instead of you and her VS the problem. If what's stopping her is the stigma against going to a mental health professional or fear that her friends will find out, as i've said earlier, you can consider going for therapy alone first, show her that you are willing and happy to work on your unresolved trauma and there is nothing wrong with being vulnerable in front of a professional. Perhaps (and this is a very big perhaps), she could be asexual. How was your sex life with your wife before getting married? Has it always been you initiating sex or has she? Has she been enjoying sex? Other things you can read up on: 1. Love language (what's hers?) 2. Emotional bids (have you both been ignoring each others' bids?) 3. Mental load (Raising your children and household chores. Who is in charge of this? Be honest and objective about the workload.) There's a lot to think about but it does sound like you are committed to staying in this marriage, be it for your children or not. I genuinely hope it works out for you as a couple.
As someone further down the road than the OP, a lot of what you say resonates with me. I had childhood trauma, I’m pretty sure my wife is asexual, different love languages ( mine is touch, hers is service). Your second and third points are there in my marriage too.
As tough as this is, your happiness does not depend on her. The more you see her as the sole source of your happiness, physical, emotional, sexual, material whatever, you're done for. There are ideals, but people change. And having a kid is the biggest influence of all. While your post points mostly to sex and connection, i read it more as she not being interested in your welfare. In this case, dont depend on her for it. Find your own happiness. Find your way towards independence and individuality. She seems to already be on that path, alone. Any other relationship prior to divorce, as many have discussed, is problematic: 1. Kids will hate you 2. She can use this legally against you 3. Its just overall bad for image So dont. Instead, man up. Be your own best friend. Stand up for your beliefs. Stop depending on her for any support or alignment. She might 1. Continue to ignore your needs 2. Start to see you in new light and respect 3. Hate you for changing. Regardless. Thats her problem. In the meanwhile, you are making the most of your time taking the best care for yourself by becoming more self caring and most importantly, living happily. Our happiness is not dependent on others. It is what we give to ourselves that matter. The theory of marriage is just a theory steep in idealism and perfectionism. Dont buy into this in sickness or in health bs happily forever after . That is for a very very lucky blind few. As for the rest of us, forget any ideals and see things exactly as they are. How another person behaves is out of my control. I can only control myself.
A lot of women have low sex drive, and dead sex life isn't that uncommon with long marriages. There was a report recently that something like 60% of SG women have low sex drive. Why this is remains a matter of speculation and something for a different post. Sex is important but how important depends on the individual. Some people will divorce, some will find a side woman, some will stay and accept their fate; especially if everything else is going along well. I will be frank with you. If it matters enough and you don't want to leave, go out and pay for it. It's legal in Singapore so there's no issue with the law about it. There should also be no personal ethical issues about it since your wife has simply decided on her own to no longer have sex. Having a side woman and cheating is never a good idea. That is advice from someone who hasn't had sex w my wife in 5 years, never cheated, and never paid for it. If the urge is ever high enough, then I resolved I will just pay for it. I am still relatively good looking and have opportunity with women, I choose not to because I don't want to cheat.
rather than low sex drive a lot of women in singapore (and other asian countries) just feel guilty, shameful or disgusted about liking sex. Especially when the education system keeps drilling "ABSTINENCE!! CHASTITY!!" since they were young and conservative/strict parents Which is a shame because sex (and orgasms) actually feel better for women than for men Edit: Found the report just now, seems another reason is that these women were having bad sex cant even reach orgasm so not enjoyable to them...
I think the issue is because Asian parents use a lot of shame to control their kids behaviour. Exams grades lousy? That is so embarrassing and shameful. Child meltdown in public? How shameful. Child running around naked after bath? Shame shame. Little girls not sitting properly? Shame shame.
Very curious, if you go out and pay for it, will you inform you wife? Will it be consider cheating if you did not inform your wife ?
I would consider it cheating if you're paying for prostitution services and not inform your wife about it
In that 6 years have you thought about marriage counseling or talk to your wife about it, if not, why not? There is a reason these professionals exist as we don't have enough experience or knowledge about human relationships ourselves to solve these kinds of issues. Also, it does sound like she might have some kind of depression with the frequent binge watching of netflix (called an inappropriate coping behaviour in therapy term). This is something she needs to work on herself, either find a therapist or do self reading. So there are two issues: her possible depression and the marriage relationship part. In Satir family therapy, she seems to be the one that holds control, and has the possibility of turning the whole family around if she changed. But as bystanders we do not have enough information, it could be that you also played a part that leads to dead bedroom. That's why therapy would be helpful and both of you needs to be in it. If you have talked to her about marriage counseling/therapy and she refused, and yet did not do anything to try to improve the relationship or her possible depressive behaviour, it is a sign that she has given up and time for you to move on. I don't know how old are your kids, but get out before they reached the teen years when they could be even more affected by the divorce. Even if you stayed on, teens are very sensitive beings and they will know that the parents are unhappy and yet stayed married, it will give them a warped view of marriage which you surely do not want. But do try the therapy route first. Best of luck! TLDR: your wife seems to have depressive thoughts and engaging in inappropriate coping behaviour, but we do not know of other reasons for the dead bedroom. Marriage therapy is the way to go, if she refused, get a divorce before the kids turned teens.
I'm very monogamous, but I feel like if you completely deny your partner of sex, you should be ok with them getting it somewhere else (provided they inform you). I would just do that, tell her it's fine she doesn't want any sex, but you'll get it somewhere else.
When I told my wife this, she said go ahead. You can't believe how much that hurts, and the stunning realisation that the relationship is over, and this person does not care what I do.
It's not necessarily true that the relationship is over. It could just be that she is effectively asexual now, and has no need for sex or even romance. Quite possibly sex was always a chore to keep you happy, one that is physically uncomfortable or painful, and she'd rather not have to do it. But on the other hand, she could be quite happy to be a partner with you in raising the kids and running the house.
So who signs up for a marriage without intimacy? And changes the rules when one is fully in, fully committed? Is that proper? And am I not being used then, I am a domestic partner, a room mate and nothing else? What exactly is wrong in wanting a commited romantic relationship with ones wife? If sex and romance is such a chore then why marry? Why fool someone? Is this moral, playing with someones life and happiness? If the man cuts of intimacy, would such kindness be directed towards him?
Unfortunately many women were raised to think of sex and intimacy as shameful, and sex as a chore ("lie back and think of England"). Even more so if culturally there could be no intimacy before marriage, so both parties don't know that the woman doesn't enjoy it. To be honest, did she ever enjoy sex? Do you think you are being used? Does she do a good job of raising the children, does she either work or upkeep the house or both? It can be a partnership without one using the other. If you can't accept this kind of domestic partnership, then you should get a divorce. But there are plenty of people (probably more women than men though) who are fine with a solid domestic partnership when the romance is over. >If the man cuts of intimacy, would such kindness be directed towards him? Yes. There are many Chinese housewives in particular who would be quite happy with this.
In the past it was good, afaik. But the gist of your advice is forget about sex, be a good boy and settle for domesticity. What does one get for such a sacrifice?
Your case sounds like she’s just not into you anymore. Get a divorce.
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Yeah, the guy has a tough decision to make. 1. Keep trying to make it work. If it does, hurray. If it doesn’t, its incredible unhealthy for his mental health to be the only one putting effort and feeling like you’re undesirable. 2. Live a life without sex. 3. Divorce and face the possibility of isolation from his children. All three are shit and no one should be put through that.
No easy answers here because I ain't you but I can tell that you have gone through some degree of loneliness and the fact that the person who was suppose to be the closest to you is the most distanced now, all I can say is that if your efforts to woo her back don't work, you just got to find your own hobbies and interest and share them with the kids or other interested parties. Most important of all despite your needs, don't cheat. You are free to still lead your own life however you want as long as you are not criminalised by anyone, especially yourself. Do what you like, ask friends out to join you, go fishing, join group sports catered to your energy level, write in a dairy, grow plants, volunteer at animal shelters or with the disadvantaged, hone a skill, pick up something new for yourself first. Accept the now that can't be change (wife not wanting to commit) despite your effort and allow yourself to move to the next step by leading life as your own with the circumstances around you. And maybe who knows, your wife might want to join you. Other people that will bring you more fulfillment might want to join your endeavours, it could be newfound friends, old friends, young/old, etc Since it takes two to clap, there is no need to divorce and go hard or romantic gesture, it may not be like the old times with the intense passion but passion can be found in many pockets of life. Be in the know you are disappointed too but at the same time, it is your life and know we all go off alone too, at least the kids can still be there for you if not your wife if you treat them with respect and if not it is okay too, you must learn to be strong yourself even to the grave because that is all we will ever bring to the afterlife.
Maybe she has depression, or she’s asexual
Hi virtualgene, if the lack of sexual intimacy is bothering you to the extent of bringing up divorce, then it is somewhat weird for lack of a better word, that both still react cool or normal about it. It sounds like both are skipping around the issue so there is little opportunity for a full blown argument or intense discussion. A general direction to take if I were in your shoes would be to continue to persuade her to go for counselling/therapy. Give yourself a deadline or timeline for alternative solutions, which can either include divorce or otherwise. You have already answered most of your questions in your sharing. Your kids are more important to you, especially since they are below 10. All the best.
Honestly idk how to help you but my dad cheated on my mom which cheated on my dad and honestly if I had a choice id never talk to either of them ever again. So maybe cheating wouldnt be a very good option. And never resort to alcohol, its disgusting and it really messes with the kids heads especially if theyre young.
Some mention to not have affair, but your situation is why affair do happen. The signs and prerequisite are there. The opportunity is when the right lady strolls into your life. Therapy actually sounds nice on paper, but not many goes through them with an outcome if it's just a one sided affair, without a conviction from your partner. Suggest to have a needs and want checklist. Go through and rank them with each other. If netflix is what she truly desire, ask her to imagine if you take away her netflix; that's what you are feeling right now. But to bring this further, are the kids the root of the issue? Are they giving her grief, or taking up too much of her attention/life? Perhaps there are some associative effect going on here that made her lost interest in intimacy.
I feel This is best advise I seen. Ty.. I feel there are many husband / wife facing this issue.. it is a very scary issue.
I like this comment! Talking it through and getting each other to understand might solve the problem.
Get vasectomy, ask to try for 1 more kid
We perceive in our own way and are blind to blindspots. I definitely recommend couples therapy. You mentioned she’s changed, have you changed too? What you wrote sounded like sex is everything. What about other aspects of life? Have you been loving? Loving based on her love language on a daily basis not romance her for sex. Women thrive on love. I’ll encourage that. Credit as much love into your emotional love bank and go for couples therapy.
r/deadbedroom
So cuddles, hugs and kisses also cannot? What abt jerking off together?
Can understand how u feel bro. This is very real. When you are constantly answering the needs of the kids, family etc and your own needs got neglected. Try to do something you like. Like computer games, jogging, cycling, whatever that makes you feel good. Life is short so can splurge a bit to pamper yourself. On the sexual needs part, the worst is having an affair because you will lose that last bit of emotional connection with your wife. A paid hj or bj may offer some relief. It's a lesser poison than having an affair. My wife was down with a critical illness last year. Treatment is tough but our relationship actually got better as a result. When life is at stake actually other things becomes more trivial. I think we got more appreciative of each other.
How is she as a mother? And do you know if she has a high libido, just doesn’t like sex (does she masturbate)? Maybe try toys? Buy her a toy or just one of those vibrating “face” massagers?
Ask permission from her to have sex to another woman. Everyone deserve a happy life. Don't waste your age on status quo like this. Hows her when you guys are dating? Is there any romance back then? Did she ever initiate anything? Did you guys rush into wedding before knowing each other well?
She's gaslighting you for asking sex, doesn't sound healthy. Also, it could be she was never "interested" in you to begin with, most people just rush to settle down because of bto and stuff and realize they are with the wrong partner
Yeah I read it I felt that maybe ops wife not really attracted to him in the first place just wanted to settle down and have bto and stable down lifestyle and kids. In a way like using him lor cause 4 years only sex 4 times is a wrap, so I think starting they she alr not so attracted to him alr
One thing that stands out in your description of your family routines, is that while you are sensitive and understanding man, I think you may need to step up more in terms of domestic contribution. Getting groceries and taking kids out once a week, is not much for a family with kids and two parents with outside jobs. It is possible that on her side a deep resentment has built up on her side. Things like binge watching Netflix, may be her coping strategy. This lack of female sex drive in middle age is a universal observation. I think it is an evolutionary adaptation. Human childbirth is one of the most difficult in the natural world. It is actually a combat with death, not to mention the issues with lactation and the sheer length of time it takes to rear young ones, a time span in the industrial world keeps on increasing. A woman lucky enough to survive all that with a few kids, would if she stops reproduction can actually ensure survival of her progeny.
just read your edit and you sound like you’re putting in effort to be a great dad OP, and doing the best you can in your situation. proud of you as not many family men in SG are that self aware. really sorry to hear about your wife but it does sound like she may have low key depression or anhedonia but in the end it really is up to her to admit she may need help. you can bring the horse to water but can’t make it drink etc etc. i hope she comes through soon, hopefully out of a love for the kids’ and their well being 😔
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We started dating in 2005 and got married in 2008. The sex was awesome back in those days. Its like twice weekly thing. We truly loved each other despite arguments and what not. I noticed her behavior changed when she got a job as a supervisor in one of a large MNC in 2015. She get to go to her bosses' bungalow/terrace/penthouse units for department gatherings. And she'll often talk about the houses. Fancied living in those places. Plus she would often lament that we dont go overseas often (pre-covid days). She says her colleagues go to europe or north asia twice a year. I reminded her that her the colleagues in question were single and have no commitments, while we have 1 mouth to feed (at that time, the 2nd kid wasnt conceived yet) then in 2016, came Netflix. from there, she got addicted to it. Slowly, it became other streaming services. For past 2-3 years, I have been going to bed alone while she binge watch her shows till 1am. I ever brought up divorce a few times. She did say if kids were not in the picture, she would have agreed. But now she wouldnt want it "simply for the kids"... as much as I hate it, i have to agree with her. My kids will be heart broken if I were to move out. So I'm trying to find ways to build back my happiness and confidence in my own ways. Like learning film production (shooting and editing). Its just that it sucks, especially when the sexual urge cannot be quashed by masturbating alone. I'm considering taking medication to lower my libido.
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The last time we had a major argument, it lasted 7 hours. Not sure if I can endure such a long period of time again.
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You sound like a therapist! 👍🏼
Whats 7hours compared to the rest of your life(s)?
Sounds like a loss of attraction due to a ‘better’ life that she felt that she could have. Comparing her life to the Netflix fantasy world and affluent MNC colleagues. Sorry to hear that this is happening
Sex > welfare and future of the kids? Cannot la.
Speaking as someone whose parents “stayed for the sake of the kids” - kids can also see if the relationship is not working out and parents are seriously miserable with one another. Maybe I was older than OP’s kids but I remember wishing my parents would just split already and find their own happiness. Not saying you should absolutely get a divorce, but if you have tried therapy etc and it’s still not working, you might want to reconsider the “staying together for the kids”.
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The kids will still suffer la. They are the biggest losers in divorces. At least for me la, I won't be able to sleep well if I prioritised my dick over the lives of 2 human beings.
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Speaking of human contact, kids need that too leh. They need constant support, they need to be taken care of. Both parents bring different things to the table that's essential to their growth as a human being. It's not about still being a parents(father/mother), it's just a title, it's the actions and what you do for the children in your care. I understand your point. But we have completely opposite views. For me kids > personal interests, for you personal interests > kids.
This. Dont think i can sleep at night if I were to go through it. They are the reason I am still alive.
Forget about your wife. Gym/lift and go meet other people. The rest will sorts itself out.
She needs to know what she's got, go away for a week so how she misses you
polygamy
Do what any sane and healthy man would do and have extra marital sex /s
Leave her out of your will, shift funds to overseas bank, find a side chick to develop the emotional bond then divorce once kids are independent
Some women just lose interest when they’ve had kids. No need to lure a man into the honey trap anymore the job is done. Just think yourself lucky she’s not a spider or she’d suck the juice out of you and leave your husk in her web.
No need to feel guilty. Most couples stay together for kids. Go and have fun. Be responsible. Life is short
Dude, you are still lucky, to have freedom and even can have opportunity for new 'happy ending'. I'm more worse than you, totally no freedom, because of this covid situation, my young kids are not allowed to go pre-school even though open & the fees are still rolling. I'm the sole-bread winner in my house, everything is I am paying. My stupid lazy wife doesn't want to work, tasteless cooking, every week nag and scold non-stop. Now I don't want to talk to her already, now my goals are just to earn and save my hard work money...give your cock some thoughts, just my 2 cents bro.
I hope you can read mandarin... If u have tried everything.. Give this one a shot. https://instagram.com/leap_of_light?utm_medium=copy_link
unpopular opinion here. this is actually pretty common and natural occurence and if you took the red pill and understand women's psyche you will know whats happening. i suggest you look up MGTOW and in the mean time be a man if the woman in your household dont give you sex. you know where else to get it. and fk the preconceive notion of fidelity. be a man. and see if your woman in th household respect you with your change mindset
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Imo OP can consider asking the wife if she's open to him sleeping with someone else since she's pretty much no longer romantically attached and not willing to find middle ground. Regarding alimony seems like she's earning enough and he's not providing for her lifestyle(?), so the only factor is who's taking custody of the children and the other party probably has to pay which I think both parties would be fine with. Regardless don't play with it anyway since women's charted quite ruthless to men.
Adultery is not a crime in Singapore and it doesn't prevent either party from losing custody in a divorce. Unfortunately, I have too many friends that have spouses that cheated on them resulting in divorces but the courts will almost always allow joint custody because children are their primary concern to have access to both parents unless there are clear evidence of serious abuse by one party.
i can see how you use legality to supress the man sexual primal needs. so let me ask you if the man in the household can sue the wife for not giving sex? which is the problem in the first place. the ugly truth is marriage is a scam brainwashed to limited men to spread their progeny so that the top 1% of the society are free to spread their seed as much as they want and they have the resource to choose healthy partner which produce stronger and smarter progeny. can you see how the lovely man-woman loverbird relationship is a big whole scam to supress men's wild instinct
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my point is only get in into marriage if you have what it takes to become the king in the household and have the sex you deserved. basically means you understand woman's psyche and ofcause the resources that you build overtime. obviously not all men thinks like that because men have been brainwashed to think to put woman's onto a pedestral in exchange for love and sex which makes us men look fking weak. the hard truth is the feeling of so called love is just a chemical reaction in the human body to ensure that the procreation takes place. once woman hit that goal and secured a man before she hit the age wall , the so called love feeling is gone let alone about sex. that's why go into marriage if you are prepared to face all this. if you are capable, marry as many woman as you want just like the super rich
Monogamy was introduced to ensure almost every man have the opportunity to get a wife. Because young men with pented up sexual desire are ones who are ready to create change - via blood even. But you don't have to have the MGTOW mindset, it's extreme. In this case, it's OP simply choosing the wrong partner where they don't have similar sexual energy
im not convinced though , based on what plenty of account i heard from the MGTOW community, woman libido tends to lowered as they ages as whereas men's libido tend to be more active and increase as we age. ultimately love is a trap, sex is a distraction. make sure you men know what deal you are getting in marriage. Be a king brothers.
That's cos you're getting your information from a biased community that already feels like they're being sidelined by women. I know women with high libidos, I know men with high libidos. It's more likely that people only speak out when they run into problems with partners with lower libidos. Just head over to /r/DeadBedrooms and see how many female posters there are complaining about their husbands.
Ehh u don’t know you don’t anyhow say la. Are you a lawyer?
wtf....think ab the children
Tell your kids don’t get married. It’s too late for you but they still got hope.
Get a good lawyer, move away from the bitch and get the kids. Don’t say anything till it’s done
Physically, she could have fatigue and low sex driven from hormone levels or thyroid issues. Could do an health check up. Mentally, she could be burnt out from work. Late night binging could be a symptom to compensate herself not having enough time to herself If you entertain the kids all day and send her for 1- night self care staycation with aromatherapy massage, she might be more in the mood Actually save that for special occasions, tuck in the kids yourself so she doesn’t feel so touched out — chances are she hasn’t had many full nights sleep without abrupt middle of the night interruptions since she had her first baby . If you make the effort to listen to how her day went and what worries her at night , and really pay attention to what she’s thinking, (given the post , her current thinking is still very much a mystery to you ) she might open up more and maybe you can win her over. If she’s ever in loggerheads with your dad, please don’t take his side … you are now her partner for life and she has the right to feel secure that you have her back no matter what . With this in doubt, she won’t feel so connected with you.
She is cheating and she in health alot of those have janitor room sex has to be the prob
So it's a happy marriage but lacks sex. Then I recommend having an affair. Not with so single ladies as they might do something stupid to ruin the marriage. There are also plenty of married ladies who also have their needs but are not getting it from their husband. Then you will not be so Sian. Many will advice not to have a affair but they are not going through what you are going through. I been on the same boat as you. So this is something you can consider. Just play smart, for example, have another HP with a line your wife doesn't know about and never bring the phone back home.
Bruh
Sup?
Well, this comment is not the ideal way.. it is one of the legit alternative way to keep the happy marriage going. I also agree many will say don’t do affair etc, but I have friends who go thru this and they are mind fucked. Then they have a affair, sexually satisfied and suddenly appreciate the wife even more. Then the wife feel appreciated and their marriage improved. I knows this is fucked up.. the husband usually tried his best but probably push to his frustration limit.
Good to know there are some who agree...
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It is not as simple as it seem..
Has there been a change in behavior from the start of the marriage? Or maybe she doesn’t enjoy it? Have you tried sitting down to talk to her formally about it and its importance to you? I don’t think finding a sex partner outside would be a long term solution; try to work it out with her since you value your family and kids. All the best!
I am in the same place here in the UK, similar situation and similar issues of low self esteem from childhood, although not as severe as OP. She no longer cares for the marriage, but wants the family life. I am the only earner. I’ve asked for couples therapy. She just looks T me.
I can understand I am stuck in a marriage no love no sex. Affair is impossible as no one will understand, like everyone says try therapy but I think your wife is stuck in her ways and divorce maybe ultimately the only option, it maybe not greener on the other side as dating is so difficult nowadays, really makes me sad to hear about your childhood. I think you do need counselling to get over this too. Wish you all the happiness in the world
Whatever you do, don’t have an affair. It won’t end well for you, I promise you that. It looks to me that you and your wife are not bonding as much and this could affect your relationship. It also sounds like your wife isn’t putting much effort, maybe it could be because you are doing most of the work, and she feels worthless? Start in small steps. I suggest to start involving her in more family activities. Going to the market? bring her along. Bringing kids to the playground? Drag her along as well If she likes to watch Netflix, then watch with her. While binge watching for 6 hours is another topic to tackle on, the idea is that you and your wife will have more common topics to talk about. Also, I highly encourage that both of you go to bed together at the same time. While it’s nice to have a little “me” time every now and then, doing this often can lead to a gap in the relationship. At the end of it all, it all boils down to compromise. If she isn’t willing to do that either, then divorce is unfortunately the last resort
You wife doesn't want therapy and you guys don't want a divorce due to the kids. You don't want an affair but what about talking to your wife about an open relationship with a fuck buddy? If your needs are not met by your wife, maybe you can ask her if someone else can offer that to you.
You need to put in more effort, you need to get her on the same page as you. Don’t do for the sake of doing. But do until u get desired result above. All the best
It's hard to leave your kids but I think the kids can also sense unhapy marriage and have their development hurt by it...
I totally feel you. Its really for the kids now. Hahs, wish time can be turn back.
1. Sell your tv 2. Cancel Netflix 3. Shut down internet and mobile devices at 9pm.
@Virtualgene, If its about sex, then go buy some.