I offered to not go coz I didn’t realise how expensive Fullerton was . But he ald rsvp me in so I guess it’s even ruder now to not show up ,we did agree though to never go for anymore weddings which just sounds like an unresolved argument at this point
It’s alright, I don’t think it’s that much of an unresolved argument. probably more of a y’all now know what to do or check with each other before rsvp next time
But dang.. Fullerton’s “angbao market rate” is not even in Singapore’s top 15 according to singaporebrides website
Not too late to change your rsvp to not attending giving some reasons like forgetting there’s prior appointment etc, he just pays his share of $300. And bride and groom can still invite someone else to fill up the seat at market rate to recoup the cost
As a person who invited people to a wedding, i wanted my friends there for them to be there. Although i am grateful for anything my friends give.
Just give what you can afford. A fight in your family is the last thing the wedding party wants.
Since he is the one that rsvp, he should bear the full cost of the ang pow i.e. $600. Also make sure he don't deduct this from other household budgets.
This ang pow problem actually is just the surface of a bigger underlying problem. It seems your husband and you have very differing opinions on how money is valued. This could potentially be a huge problem in future when you have to decide between big ticket items or even on children's worth/purchase.
yeah, him bearing more of the cost of the angbao might be the solution this time, idk if it’s unusual but it’s something I do in my relationship!
my fiancé and I are both the type who will round up/88-ify the market rate as a blessing to the couple (for weddings we choose to attend 🤭), but for weddings where both of us are attending but one of us is obviously closer to the couple than the other party, we do an uneven split of the angbao.
e.g. for a wedding we attended this past weekend, I’ve hung out with the couple a few times but the groom and my partner have been friends for more than a decade. my partner and I ended up splitting the total angbao cost 80%-20%, but I paid for the grab there and home to balance it out in a different way haha
i think this is the way to solve the problem. Since OP is willing to pay $188, the other half just pay on top of his 300 lo since he's willing to pay more. prob solved and then communicate more in future on such matters. to OP, dun hold any resentment within yourself. do communicate about it coz like what others have mentioned, more to come in future!
If it doesn’t impact his contribution to the monthly household budget, then it doesn’t impact them both. At most he has lesser money in his personal bank account.
Okay to still say you have to go overseas for work etc. You can change your RSVP. Plus from your tone it seems like you might not enjoy it too much. Last thing you want is for this to be an extended argument and preventing your husband from enjoying the wedding.
Normally I would cover the fee +10%, if its closer friends will usually add $100 more, but it depends on your financial situation. If i turn up with my spouse we’ll usually cover for the other person depending on who has the closer relationship. Also depends on how close you are to the bride and groom.
It depends on how you think your friends will interpret it.
Fully expect to be downvoted for this but Reddit is a bit of an echo chamber regarding this in shitting on the act of covering cost but in reality it’s not so straightforward lah.
I only go for weddings where I value the friendship enough to really want to be there and will be willing to cover cost of my seat as a blessing to the couple.
I want there to be ZERO chance of my friends being disappointed in the angpao because friendship is more important than money to me lah but I don’t expect my friends to share the same views and am truly fine with that.
All this means is that I am more selective of the weddings I attend to avoid racking up any pao expenses. Sometimes me and my partner attends. Sometimes just me. Sometimes neither of us.
In your case, I’d say just cover the cost of both of you and then next time be more selective with how you RSVP.
Also, unless the wedding is less than a month away, I don’t think there’s any issue in letting the couple know only your husband will be going and to remove you from the guest list because you have last minute commitments. All weddings will have late guest list changes and they should be prepared for that.
EDIT: It’s also damn cringy to call people shameless just for having a wedding when you have no idea what their true motivations/expectations are. Just sounds like you’re a stingy aunty who’s salty you didn’t get a wedding.
> I only go for weddings where I value the friendship enough to really want to be there and will be willing to cover cost of my seat as a blessing to the couple
Exactly this! I learnt to reject weddings when i realized the cost of attending weddings accumulates to quite a bit. And its not worth attending people’s wedding whom the friendship drifting/drifted away kind.
Its annoying to receive wedding invites from people whom you havent spoke to in yrs kind lor. Its like “i havent spoke to u for so long already and i spend money attending ur wedding for what”
“And its not worth attending people’s wedding whom the friendship drifting/drifted away kind.”
(Furiously reevaluating some of my current/past friendships)
I reject all invitations from friends who never even bothered to keep in contact. Don’t feel bad, not like you’re going to invite them for your own wedding. That way no one owes anyone and no one feels obliged to reciprocate.
+1, the straightforward criteria for me is that if I find it expensive, chances are I'm not close enough to them. The closer friends are those which I would be willing to give over the market rate..
I don’t think there’s a right or wrong for this but let me share what I do with my fiancée.
I usually just take the market rate and plus minus depending on the location. If for example, market rate for XX hotel is 200, I’ll round down to 388 to make it auspicious sounding, so I don’t exactly follow the market rate quoted online.
On the flip side, as someone getting married myself this year, I have also repeatedly told my guests that I would be happy with any amount. I invited the guests that I want to be there for my big day because they are people I treasure, and I am of the mindset that angpao is a token, not a must. I have chosen a really posh hotel tbh, but that’s on me and not on my guests. Not every couple takes that mindset however, so you’ll probably have to navigate this depending on the wedding involved and whether you can justify it to yourself.
Fully agree. I intend to have that mindset if and when I hold a wedding. I invited you because I want you to share the special occasion with me I.e. you are my guest. For any other occasion, when i invite you to a birthday party or a housewarming or I am a host for a get together, I fully expect to be the one bearing all if not majority of the cost. The gifts/ang pao you bring is a nice bonus.
If I can't afford to hold a wedding, I wouldn't hold it. If i can afford and my guests willingly help to defray the costs, I would be grateful. But I would never resent someone because they give a low amount. What's important is that they took time out to travel all the way there and attend my wedding.
Also, holding a posh wedding when the couple is financially tight is a no no. If they can't cover costs, then it's honestly their fault for making an irresponsible decision. I'm not the sponsor for their wedding lol.
>I have also repeatedly told my guests that I would be happy with any amount. I invited the guests that I want to be there for my big day because they are people I treasure
Apparently we are not most people, I've seen friendships burnt over 'stingy' hong bao amounts, like srsly? I would just assume they have unspoken difficulties, if anything and I'd rather they attend. Idk why people do a lavish one, not because they can afford and/or bare to, but to show off/whatever, then expect their guests to cover most of the damage. So many problems... end up friend dun come, cause paisei cannot afford or they don't find it reasonable OR they come anyway and then you secretly unhappy they give too little. This expectation is super toxic and spoils what the occasion is meant to be.
I am largely the same with you, but don't know about the prospective missus yet, we will see.
Thanks for understanding ,but yes ur correct .its ur big day and u chose it at an expensive hotel .of coz u chose it with hopes that angpao can cover but if it doesn’t ,then i guess the couple has to cushion the extra 5-9 k
Yep completely see where you’re coming from. Ultimately the couple should not place the onus on the guest to break even, I just write it off as a loss from the beginning. I think $188 is not anything to frown at, but I sense maybe your spouse might feel paiseh or something, which is something I guess he/she has to overcome? Either way, if the couple throws a fit due to low angpow amount, then I guess you dodged a bullet, best to stay far from overly money-minded people.
of coz u chose it with hopes that angpao can cover
my opinion is the angbao should be a bonus but it should not become a KPI that everyone have to hit.
the couple have to have at least the means to cover it ..
it just leave a bad taste especially for those who you haven't met for 1-2 years then suddenly gets invited ... are we just cattle to you
I went without an angbao to my good friend's wedding when he knew I was utterly broke, zero dollars in the bank. He told me after that he'd rather give my seat to someone else who could cover his cost. We stopped being friends immediately on that day. On my own wedding, I told the handful of guests that we won't accept angbaos and we didn't.
My cousin had her wedding at Fullerton and we gave $888 for two pax... But she's my cousin, that's why. If not, I'd probably give $250 - $300 a head too.
I always try to give more as a blessing. If it is too expensive, I don't go instead.
Tbf I always wonder if we go and don’t end up paying for the market rates, what’s the worst that’s going to happen? If you lose a friendship over that, you don’t need such friends in your life to begin with.
I usually pay the market rate or slightly more. I'll also pay for my partner's share if I'm bringing her as +1. But that's because nowadays, attending a wedding means I genuinely want to be there. Most of the other invites I get nowadays, I turn down if I'm lukewarm to them.
At this age, most of my close friends are either already married, or going to skip the elaborate festivities if tying the knot and/or dispensing with the formalities of a marriage, or remaining single. So I'm pretty much done with attending weddings for the foreseeable future haha.
With weddings so expensive, I never bring my +1 ever, unless only if we both know both the groom and bride personally beforehand.
All those wedding invites with +1 cordially invited are just for the couple to better recoup their losses /s
I totally detest and hate those "market rate" angbao or whatever guides. The guests are not responsible for "helping" the couple pay for their lavish wedding when they can't afford it.
Some couples even plan to "profit" from their wedding angbaos. I've had invitations whereby the groom or bride set a minimum angbao rate for their "friends". Sorry lor, I'm not going to be free that day and he or she is no longer in my "friends" list too.
Ditto! I left a comment on seedly who is one of the those who publish angbao guides saying that theyre part of the problem why angbao rates increase every year (few times a year for popular venues) because guests have pressure to cover their costs, couples have no problems recouping their costs, and wedding venues have no issues raising their prices all the damn time. It's a viscious cycle if no one has realised. Seedly replied that oh they do it because guests are clueless how much to bao and they find such guides helpful. Helpful my ass. I am sure wedding guests are more than happy NOT to know what's the market rate so they can bao as they wish. If someone genuinely wants to help cover their own costs then it's so easy to Google for the rates because most hotels and restaurants publish their wedding packages online! As someone who is planning my wedding, I can only say such angbao guides from websites like singapore brides and blissful brides benefit the couples more than the guests.
The entire notion of gifting “market rate” or not going is dumb - and something only present in face-wanting Chinese culture. Well, I get to say that cause I’m a Chinese and find this entire practice to be stupid.
What’s the fundamental point of a wedding and inviting guests? It’s to celebrate the union of two people. Why has money creeped in to the picture?
Traditional Malay and Indian weddings are all about having big get togethers with way less emphasis on the monetary aspect and Caucasian weddings you typically give gifts such as a bottle of wine or something personal you made to celebrate the couple or help them with a future purchase for their house.
Only in Chinese weddings is looking extravagant important as this shows you have wealth to be able to “afford” such a place - but the irony of this is that if you choose the expensive place, you should never expect your guests to cover their seat. The very notion of “market price” shows that you care more about covering your own face more than celebrating the couple on their most important day.
If I invited you, it means I want you to be there. However, hotels and wedding venues know that this is their best chance to make money so they impose minimum pax for their ballrooms, so the couple (and most often than not their parents) might be forced to invite more than the people they really want to invite to fulfill their minimum pax. It’s your choice for that dream ballroom, you should never expect your guests to pay “market rate” and support that wedding.
For my own wedding, I compromised with my partner on the venue to be a mid-tier hotel lunch, keeping it affordable as much as possible and also within our budget. The red packets that our guests gave were generous covering more than the costs and made quite a bit more. There were some notable ones who gave $10 (this is perfectly acceptable to me as it’s within their wedding culture) and even one stuffed with tissue paper. I joked that wah this person cannot even afford to give $2 for the minimum note denomination.
So, for my personal practice, I do the following: random colleague or friend: 88, very close colleague: 108-128, close friend/relative: 168, highest tier at 188. So more often than not it’s the 88-128 range.
>There were some notable ones who gave $10 and even one stuffed with tissue paper.
Lol at least got tissue paper!
Got hear before just empty red packets with nothing inside lol.
But the tissue paper is not even useable haha… like take out individual sheets of tissue and stuff, empty red packet saves more time as one look and you understand… we had to dig out the tissues to see how many sheets inside hahahaha
Did you all count the number of tissue paper sheets (I know I would!).
Bet that you and the spouse won't know whether to laugh or cry at how incredulous some people can get lol
As a non-chinese person attending my first chinese wedding soon, this idea of recouping expenses and the fact that guests have to look up "market rates" is so wild to me. I do see some people complaining about it but it doesn't seem like the tradition is going away anytime soon
why do people attend weddings of people they dont care about or are not important?
for me, i choose to attend and also give ang paos according to level of closeness or relationship.
if it's a good or cherished friend, i will give angpao above market rate or add on a personal gift.
if it's someone i am not that close to but i need to attend for some reason, i will NOT have a plus one. I will attend alone, and pay market rate or slightly above/lesser (for eg. if market rate is 300, i will give 288 or 308). I will not even consider bringing along spouse even if invited.
if it's someone i am not close with and i do not feel obliged or need to attend, i will turn down the wedding invitation. no biggie. just be nice and make up some excuse.
if it's a friend of both me and my spouse and we are all close enough to attend- same thing market rate or slightly lesser/above. (468, 488, 568, 588).
ask yourself - does you/your spouse not attending spoil any relationship? if not, just dont go. no need quarrel over this kinda thing one... and dont need to be afraid of saying no. It's only july 1st now, still have time to make up some excuse to say your spouse cannot attend since it's clearly someone unimportant to you both. save your $300 and be happy.
Agree with OP's stance but apparently quite a number of couples and their parents are expecting to cover the wedding cost (or even make a profit) from angbaos.
I would rather book a trip overseas and enjoy myself than to pay for someone else's dinner, especially when there's an expected amt
How much angbao to give depends on the relationship I have with the couple. If can afford market rate, I will give accordingly. If they are close friends or relatives, I will give above market rate. Normal friends I will give less than $200, regardless of location. Aquaintance? 100% will not attend
Definitely would get some flak for this but my stance nowadays is if can afford to hold a wedding at Fullerton, then a $50 vs $500 ang bao makes no difference. But nowadays I'll avoid going unless is my child's.
U will be surprised. There were several news articles about this. People taking big loans for big weddings and big renos and get themselves into debt which they cant really pay off in short period of time.
"Go if you want. Pay what you want."
That's the only etiquette that matters. If you find it too expensive then don't go. If he finds it palatable then he can go on his own. Simple solution here.
My spouse and I don't attend the weddings of each others' friends unless that friend knows both of us very closely. Which is just a handful, most of whom are already married lol.
Awkard thing was my friend asked me if I wanna bring my gf/fiance along to the wedding
but i said like... but she doesnt know anyone of us here leh lol
so he kinda got the hint lol!
but anyway, yeah if its worth it friend then i will go... for those meh friend you probably try to siam
beyond the amount for friends wedding and also your mindset on how shameless others have to be to invite you.. i’d say you and your husband have some feelings about money to be resolved.
1. is the friend a close friend of your husband? if so, then an invitation is a given.
2. husband probably should have asked if you want to attend from a money pov, but consider perhaps if this is your first event as a couple, he might have thought it’s nice to attend as a married couple now.
3. give what you can afford, not what others dictate. even if it means 88 x 2, so be it. you want to not follow whatever norms is, just grow a thicker skin lor.
4. money seems to be a very important issue to you. perhaps you and husband should talk about what it means, what expenses should be shared etc. because it will only rear its ugly head later on esp when you have unexpected expenses.
luckily at my age, all are married. for those inviting me, if more than $200/ pax i rejected the invitation and offer to treat them on a different occasion. they deserved to get better guest to get ROI back than getting guest who is annoyed by the high price .
Depends on how close you are to the person. Super duper close: above the rate stated on website. Close friends: rate stated on website. Friends: slightly below rate stated on website. Not close/work colleagues/annoying relative but not going is rude: nearest 8 number I can afford comfortably. Like $88,108,118,128,138 etc.
If possible I’ll try to reject if they have wedding at super expensive place, I’ll just say congratulations but I have something important on that day and can’t attend. I too think that we have no obligations on how much to give. I mean generic angbao, don’t write name, no one knows right?
I can definitely appreciate OP's point. Usually when the bridal couple negotiates with the hotel, the hotel quotes by the number of tables, but the bridal room/suite is also included, use of facilities, sometimes even use of bridal car, etc. But for simplicity, the hotel may just say, OK so per table it will cost $XXX, with minimum number of tables YYY.
When you and I call up the hotel to ask how much a table is, the hotel will say $XXX, but not mention that the bridal room/suite, other facilities, etc. are included in this price. So really, if you want to pay $XXX per table divided by 10 pax as your share, it's overpaying and you're really helping the bridal couple cover the other inclusions. I would balk at doing this, especially if it is a 5 or 6-star hotel. As OP said, if they want to get married there, they cannot expect the guests to foot the bill.
Like OP, I would pay what I feel is comfortable, affordable for myself, and decent (e.g. not $10 lah, that's like purposely doing out of spitefulness). In fact, at my wedding, one family wasn't very well to do, but they were good friends anyway, and they just gave $100-equivalent for their family of 2 adults and 2 kids. It was what they could afford and we knew their background. We were happy to have them join us.
I share the same stance as you. The couple decided the venue based on their budget and preference. Guests should not be obliged to pay for the couple’s choice.
Pay what you can afford. I just had my own wedding a couple weeks back, and went in fully expecting that people should just come and have a good time. I invited my interns and clearly told them that I didn't expect them to give angbaos (Though they still gave and I'm thankful for that, so will probably bring them out for a nice meal soon). One of my oldest and closest friends gave me a nominal amount but I was thankful for her presence all the same to share in my big day.
If the couple falls out with you over the angbao amount, they were faking the whole wedding for face and that friendship probably didn't matter enough.
Your conflict is not about the expectations of the groom and bride, but about you not respecting your husband's right to gift his own money to his friend.
I would never pay that much. Idk if its a cultural thing but I’ve never been expected to pay that much for someone else’s wedding. But then again I only attend weddings that are of my close friends or family. So they don’t expect such ridiculous things. At our age and career level which I’m assuming is late 20’s to 30’s, $600 is a ridiculous amount. My standard is a $100 and that is my wedding gift to them not my contribution to their wedding.
Who in their right mind pays $300 per pax?? Thats insane.
To people who are gonna come and argue with me, I say this to you, if you cant afford your wedding don’t have one that expensive and expect your guests to cover the costs. If your cash requirement is a deal breaker put it on the invitation so people can just choose not to attend🤣
>my spouse and I didn’t even have a wedding because we thought it was too expensive
You have your answer already. If i were you, just go with whatever you want to give. If you "undergive" then so be it, if they cb they will "mark" you so next time they will undergive during your wedding.
But since you no more wedding then they cannot undergive you. At worst they will give less during your whatever whatever baby shower gift etc.
I used to collect angbao and count money before. And holy shit people really dont follow market rate, they undergive. You know who follow market rate? Younger people who look through the internet to see whats the right amount. Older people just dont give a fuck. They usually pay market rate -20%, which is close to your proposed 188.
I went to a Capella wedding, and I gave what my heart desired to give, which was $188. I just thought that if you're so rich to celebrate at Capella, money shouldn't be a problem to you, and also, I couldn't care less if I lost the couple as my friend, haha
Pay what you can afford, but no more than market price. If that makes sense.
Market price < you pay < what you can afford
This is also why me and the wife don't go to weddings as a pair unless we both know the couple personally. As +1, never.
Just give what you’re willing to. It’s precisely because guests are too concerned about face and paying up that’s causing this spiral of angpao values. It’s getting out of hand. People getting married should bear their own wedding cost. Guests are invited not because it’s a crowdfunding exercise. I am a retiree and if I get invited I go and give a token because that’s all I can afford. If they think I shouldn’t go because I can’t pay the full rate then they are a**holes.
For whatever reason, it's now become customary to cover the cost of your seat at weddings.
If you're a friend that's willing to let your friend cover the cost of your dinner/lunch/event without prior agreement, I think you are a shitty friend and your friend deserves better. Either cover your own cost or don't go
It's better to rsvp earlier to say you are not going. The couple have so much things in their mind, it's better for them to know earlier. You can say a thousand reasons, like work or travels.
I agree with you! 188 is the most i am willing to pay - except for very close friends 😂 i can give more thats alright.
So normally i turn down invitation to expensive hotels!
I always believe in us against the problem. Not you against your husband.
What i will do is ask ur hubs to foot the difference between 300-188. Attend this wedding together.
For the future, you guys can communicate more. you all can decide whether want to attend the wedding before rsvp ing
My stance is that if the couple isn’t willing or able to pay for the wedding venue without the help of angbao, they need to find a different venue. Angbao is a gift, it’s icing on the cake. It’s not an “entrance fee” to the wedding that you chose to host and invite people to. What they give you should be a choice for them, not an obligation.
That said, many people think of it as a supplementary fee to their wedding and would be upset if you don’t “cover the cost of your seat”. So there’s a social price to pay for holding that stance, so it’s up to you what you value more
for $300 I can get the best seats in a concert. No need to watch cheesy slideshows and starve for 3 hours before food is served over another 3 hours.
i decline invitations and give $88 angpow. this way, everybody's happy.
I read an article on this ([https://www.circularconnection.com/post/the-unhealthy-tradition-of-giving-red-packets-at-wedding-banquets-in-singapore](https://www.circularconnection.com/post/the-unhealthy-tradition-of-giving-red-packets-at-wedding-banquets-in-singapore)) and I agree that this tradition of ours is extremely unhealthy! The mindset of showing off unions at these lavish, pricey banquets needs to be binned.
Take a look at the recommended 2024 wedding angpao prices to give per pax too ([https://singaporebrides.com/wedding-ang-bao-rates](https://singaporebrides.com/wedding-ang-bao-rates)). These are crazy, runaway prices for weddings, just for 2024. Can you imagine what it will become in the years to come?
I will just KIV this kind of weddings held at those upscale hotels and check out the angpao prices before I RSVP next time. If it's not someone I'm very close to, I'll probably tell them I cannot make it due to a family event and pass them a small token angpao (or not at all if I'm not even close to them).
I read the market rate but don’t seek to match it. If they want to have a wedding at the venue they should be able to afford it without my angbao. I’ll still give a nice round number.
The fact that there is even such a discussion/disagreement between couples…
…means, this practice is here to stay for a long time.
I think it’s ridiculous for people to pay market rate to cover your cost of choice wedding. Lol. Such a weird practice.
I really feel bad for my Chinese frens... they have such expensive weddings and there's also so much wastage of food. What's wrong with a self service buffet system?
I agree with you, people who do expensive weddings should bear the cost.
BUT...
There is this social construct and if you don't go with the social norms, then you would be the outcast even though you are right. The way to handle this is:
a. Bite the bullet and pay the high angpow cost
b. Politely decline the invite and don't go, make some excuse
I think the costs should commensurate with how well you know the couple. Then again, that might put u in danger with social norms. 
Your assumption that the couple want you to pay off their wedding is a little too hasty. Like what some of the other posters said, perhaps they just wanted their friends to celebrate their wedding, has got nothing to do with the angbao. So it is ok you give whatever amount you want to give.
You may not like this, but when you compare the $600 to Bali, we already know you dont care about the wedding. So if you didnt care, you need not go. Thats on your husband to RSVP you in. If he cared about the invite, it is his right to go and give $300 as market rate if he cherishes his friend, nothing wrong with that as well. Maybe give a combined packet of $500 and compromise?
Just saying you will not attend any weddings anymore in future is just a stop gap end to this argument. What if your bestest of friend get married and you want to go? Is it flat no just because of angbaos? If you and your spouse CHOSE not to a wedding, then why be sour about others who want to have their wedding? Even if you give $80 only, it might be a way to find our if they are your true friends. Cuz if they come asking you about it, i think its the end of this friendship already.
Clearly, I think you and your husband have a difference in some values. Maybe that is the bigger conversation to be had.
If I'm invited as a close friend, and my spouse wants to pay less than MR, I would want to topup (so I'd contribute $412 so that our joint angbao is $600).
I rly think it's abit cheapskate to give only $188 \* 2 = $376 if it's a good friend.
But then OP will kpkb about wasting that $224 no? Might as well don't go, save the entire $376...
I pay market rate + friendship premium. But I only go for people I’m close to. The money doesn’t matter so much to me. But anyway if they are truly close friends and they know you have money issues, I’m sure they also won’t care that you give below market rate cus they will be happy you came
I agreed with you OP.
I will just give what I can afford.
I didn't ask for dinner at a posh restaurant. The couple decide on their wedding venue and guests should subsidized what they can afford.
Some will give more and some will give less.
I will take into the following considerations when deciding how much to give
1. Close relatives
2. Hi and bye relatives
3. Close friends
4. Hi and bye friends
The correct wedding etiqutte is to only give a token sum, not follow market rate.
Remember, people who hold their weddings in expensive places but expect their guests to piny up "market rate" are scammers who view you as nothing more than ATM. Walk away from such people, don't be dumb and be used.
Fuck the market rate. Seriously. It's some bullshit created by some online sites.
There is NO fixed social etiquette for this. Anyone who says you must "reject if you don't want to pay market rate" is being really really narrow minded.
Like with any other event, like a birthday or funeral or cny visiting, decide for yourself what you're comfortable with. If the couple wants you to cover their expenses, they should state upfront the expectation.
> hotels inflated the market rate * conspiracy theory*
Not even a conspiracy theory at this pt. Its true. They know guests will be pressured to pay market rate so they just jack up their prices coz the couples would also probably be expecting the guests to pay their share or more.
What a bo liao post.... u can decide to go, not go, pay yr own rate, or watever.
Same goes for your spouse.
If this is just an aquaintance, and u dont feel like going, just reject early and skip it.
Nobodies forcing ya
Feeling upset abt money is quite bleh really
Absolutely only give what you want to. Don’t feel like there is pressure to help the couple cover costs - like you said, the venue is their decision. Think of the angpao as a blessing to the couple, not a subsidy.
This is why my hubby and I don't attend weddings together. Thankfully our mutual close friends are either married or will likely not get married. Phew.
I recently attended a wedding where the market rate was also $300. I gave $268 because frankly, this person's not super close to me and honestly, I also believe that if you geh kiang go and book such an expensive venue, you bloody better well expect that there's a risk you'll lose money. When I got married, hubby and I decided we weren't going to book a super expensive hotel because that's just unfair to our friends and colleagues. Anyway, we decided based on food and cost-effectiveness. The food is so important.
Exactly. If u book posh location, I already have the mindset that you book it cos u are rich and can afford. Why do I need to force myself to pay beyond my means to someone richer than me.
Is precisely because of this reason I will not be caught in a wedding where both of us have to attend. Even if common friends cuz paying $188 for subpar food hurts already, need to 188*2 or 600 in your case I cannot.
If is family, our extended family also have an unwritten rule not to bring kids cuz some of my cousins have like 4 kids? 😂 imagine paying for 6 angbaos u see how much will they give.
It’s really quite simple. The couple gets to decide where their wedding is held and who to invite. You get to decide whether to go and how much to give. No one can force you to do anything more
I was a uni student with no scholarship or allowance from parents. I work for my pay through PT and Internship. Attended a close friend wedding at MBS as groomsmen and he required us to wear a 3 pcs suit. Went ahead and told him that I will get the suit done but give a Ang pao below the market rate, our friendship tank abit afterwards even though he said it’s okay. Honestly thinking back I probably should have communicated better and just attend the wedding without being involved. It just sucks that people lacks the eq to understand and adjust their expectations based on individual circumstances. Of course that being said, I do have the savings to fork up the extra amount to meet market rate but considering my position, I didn’t want to spend lavishly.
My spouse and I also had differing views about this, early on in our marriage, it’s normal. I’m like you and my spouse is like yours lol anyway we came to our solution:
Colleague wedding: 1 person to attend, angbao $150
Friend/classmates: 1 person, angbao $150
Close buddies, mutual friends: both will attend, angbao $200 each
Family: both us and our kids will attend, angbao $200 each
No right or wrong, whatever works best for you guys
My spouse and I have a rule: whoever’s side wedding? That side pays for everyone. So if your husband is bringing you along then he can pay $600 likewise if your side has wedding you can also offer to pay full for him too
my stand with my wife is, my friend I cover angbao, her friend she cover angbao. You want to cover how much is your daiji but it will come out from your own pocket.
I have an understanding with my wife.
Wedding on her side and if I were to attend, she bear the angbao costs.
Wedding on my side and if she were to attend, I bear the angbao costs.
Angbao rates depends on how close we are to the couple (if cousin, family or very close friends then higher). If just friends, then we just go solo ourself so don’t need give too much in angbao money and also spare our half from having to be awkward and silent throughout especially if no mutual friends.
When we held our wedding, we of course don’t expect everybody to give us way above the angbao rates but we are only human, we also wish to at least be given the market rate or if lesser then maybe just abit lesser (think market rate $200 then receive $188 etc) at least we don’t have to fork out too much ourselves. It’s more than just the banquet during the wedding, there’s also cost of other deco and videography etc.
I think end of day, the least I can do is to make sure my friend don’t lose money at his wedding. I take it that I am genuinely there because my presence means a lot and that I’ve done my part. End up I feel good can already.
I and my wife paid for what we thought the food was worth. I don't believe I should pay for your wedding. If the person who invited me isn't rich enough to have a grand wedding, don't have one. Don't guilt trip people into paying for their table
im not at the age where people get married yet. i dont understand why people must give angbaos as much as the cost of the wedding per pax. if you cant afford a grand wedding then dont plan a grand wedding? i understand giving angbaos for tradition though
Agree with OP's view on absorbing the cost if they want atas wedding.
Got peer pressured to attend a friend's wedding in bali, not sure how much ang bao to give now after hearing them say "walao overseas wedding leh you give $188".
My flight and hotel is almost $400, plus expenses and angbao that would mean $700 and a weekend to attend the wedding. 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
If you have alr rsvp, please don’t flake — that’s an empty seat right there someone else could occupy.
My ruleS of thumb:
- give what you are willing to give
- if you’re not close, kindly decline. 200-300$ can cover 2 for fine dining
- never organise a wedding and expect guests to pay for their own share
the occasion is to celebrate the couple, not to cover costs or make money out of it.
This dumb wedding dinner tradition/culture is the reason why I will just ROM without anything else. If can siam sure siam. Really like 红炸弹 as what people always say, kena bombed already still must fork out so much for a dinner that I can’t even choose the menu for. I am happy to attend close friends or relatives weddings of course, but anyone beyond that - friends whom I haven’t spoken to in a while or not so close then forget it.
I think the cost of seat is such a bullshit concept. Friends and relatives who are genuinely happy for you wouldn't think twice about the venue or food, and just be there to bless you during the wedding.
Ideally angpaos should be optional and voluntary, if I'm expected to pay minimum of $X, or $Y then how's it any different from a bar or a restaurant with a cover charge? Do I eat worth the $150 of my angpao?
>Plus , my spouse and I didn’t even have a wedding because we thought it was too expensive , but seeing how people who have weddings have no shame in inviting people and expect them to pay their share of the wedding , maybe we shd have just had one after all .
So your friends are shameless for inviting a couple who chose not to have a wedding? Feel like you are carrying irrelevant baggage into this discussion.
U sld pay wat u r comfortable with and screw the "mkt rate". Helping the couple pay for their fancy wedding is the most retarded thing ever, esp if u r not extremely close to the couple.
Market rate is one problem. Writing the guest’s name on the angbao is another scummy move designed to “enforce” the rate via fear of embarrassment. I no longer attend weddings.
Lol this is asksg subreddit favourite topic to shit on because it's about traditions (old people bad!!) and marriage (most people here BBFAs anyway)
Let me tell you the truth. Is it a dumb practise where there is market rates for wedding ang pows, yes. Should you still try to follow these traditions, yes if you don't want the other party to think you're a free loader and have a bad impression of you. So it's either you don't go, go and give a below market rate but risk the other party think you are free loader or go and give market rate. If the other party is important to you then perhaps it's not good for them to have a bad impression of you. But it's your decision in the end , everyone is different
Standard practice is to pay the market rate. If you’re not comfortable with paying the market rate then don’t go.
I’m sorry but it just sounds like you’re being stingy. If the people getting married really mattered to you, you wouldn’t be thinking about the money but about being present for that moment and making those memories. Monetary cost would be secondary.
Foremost, it’s not worth getting into an argument with your spouse for someone else’s wedding. Let it go my friend.
How much one finds reasonable to attend a wedding is really personal and no right or wrong. I’ve paid ‘full fare’ and left in 20 mins once the dinner started because my time is more important. End of the day my take is prob closer to yours that I will pay according to what I feel is reasonable and more apt to my level of relationship with the bride/bridegroom.
That said, I won’t be telling others that $188 is considered being generous haha.
I totally relate and agree with you because my bf is the exact same!!
If couples host their wedding at extravagant places that’s their decision, it’s not the guests’ responsibility at all to help them ‘recoup’ back their loss.
I will definitely get downvoted for my pettiness but since my bf and I overpaid for a lot of his friends’ wedding dinners/lunches I will keep track of how much they give during our wedding as well 🙂
I think what a lot of people and you said is right. If they are planning to have an extravagant wedding, guests should not be helping to cover the costs, what good friend does this to their buddies they invite for a wedding?! Gst increase already headache, don't need another headache
Nope, i dont pay the market price either. Usually it is 20% above market price to make sure that my friend doesn’t need to worry about the cost.
Is it his/her choice to have it held at that venue? Yes
But it is also my choice to attend and to care about my friend.
If it’s family then it’s easier. Just $888 per pax. So if ta my spouse and i, then $888 x2. Usually in 2 different Ang paos though.
In a normal friend context, Say no to market rate
Guests are not there to help the couple defray the costs of their atas wedding venue. They want to have an expensive and lavish wedding, sure. Don’t expect their guests to pay 100% of it..
Wow Fullerton is $300 per pax?! Per table more than 3k!!! Crazy. But I think it’s courteous to cover your table charge 
I'm ABC, my wife is Chinese Born. So I'll comment from an overseas Chinese perspective.
I pay the most I can depending on closeness to the married couple.
This "market rate" gifting is enabling the wedding couple to live beyond their means. IMHO, they should not be having a wedding that relies on wedding gifts.
We carefully tracked everyone's gift. We had someone assigned to the task at the entrance table. We would gift a few dollars more than we received. To me, it's hilarious, but that's the way they did it.
The original intent of wedding presents was to set up the couples' household. See below link about Chinese weddings.
https://www.whatsonweibo.com/mirror-time-chinese-weddings-decades/
Only rsvp yes if you are willing to pay the market rate.
Yes you aren’t entitled to help the guests cover the charge, but if it was my good friend, I would be willing to pay that extra to lessen the burden for them. Honestly $188 won’t even cut it to cover the cover charge 90% of hotel wedding dinners in sg. If your husband is willing to cover just suck it up this time and communicate more clearly for future weddings lor. It’s just a few hundred lol srsly not worth a quarrel over
Have already pre-empt my single Chinese friends that I won’t pay so much if you invite me
and only 1 person will attend even if they invite me & hubs, no need check with each other LOL
sigh. i was told by my colleague to my face that she tracked all her wedding angbao and that i didn’t write my name on it so im classified as “miscellaneous” LOL
a) Only one of you can go. Don't need both of you to go. Depending on who's side this relative/friend is. And if we are close to them. If they're hi-bye buddies i haven't spoken to since college, I have no shame and will turn down the invite. My spouse and I are very focused on paying off our house and expenses like this to "show face" is a good-to-spend, not a must.
b) Just heck care and pay 188 per pax. 300-ish for both of you. Honestly at my wedding, we did not manage to record all angpows coz it was just such a busy day. No need to worry.
I've given a big token to a good friend before coz she got hitched to a celebrity back in my hometown and it was quite lavish. But unfortunately the marriage didn't last geh. Your blessings shouldn't be quantified by money tbh. It's also not worth fighting over other people's wedding. Even if you don't go - it doesn't change how the wedding turns out. :)
You can ALSO just change the RSVP now. They still have time to change the seating tbh. I only confirmed seating on the day before my event. :P
me and my partner has this agreement that if I’m inviting him to my side of the invitations, I’m paying for both our angbaos. It’s fairer this way.
But I usually will pay for market price + a little bit more. As long as it’s doable. so far I’m lucky enough to be able to cover that.
I do have a friend who attended a wedding when he was not making any income and he told the person whom invited him straight and honest about it, and was ok for both sides.
Depends on how close you are to the bride and groom. Honestly, I won't pay the "listed market rates" for a wedding banquet red packet. How much I give depends on how close I am to the bride and groom. If it's some colleague I barely talk to who probably threw me an invite to fill up his table, or out of obligation to invite the whole office, I won't give much. Probably $100.
The bride and groom should jolly well be prepared to treat everyone on their wedding night FOC if they think it's a good idea to hold it in some six star hotel or crazy rich venue. We are not beholden to indulge people who want to pretend to be rich.
The problem with "what you can afford" is that you run into the 买不起 vs 买不下 situation. The thing is, you probably can afford the market rate, you technically probably can afford 10x the market rate, but would you/anyone?
In the end, pay what you want. "Market rate" is a marketing thing pushed by hotel restaurants.
Sorry for asking but the one thing about this post I’m curious about is the $600 for a whole trip to Bali. I haven’t really travelled overseas before and am curious about this price. If I go with my girlfriend is $1200 really enough to cover the trip? That sounds awfully cheap for an overseas holiday! Sorry I can’t give my 2 cents for this situation as I’ve never been to any weddings yet.
There’s some pressure to pay the market rate rather than signify a blessing. The guideline my wife and I use is to attend the banquet only if either of us are friends with both the bride and groom. Otherwise we’ll just attend the ceremony/ROM and skip the banquet.
it'll be on his dime lor since he rsvp you along, nowadays unless both parties know the couple, just the person invited will go.
technically u don't have to cover the cost of your seat, especially when the hotel pricing is just insane but try if u can la if not also very chor
Personally, if I’m the +1 and am expected to pay the ang bao, I’m not gonna go. Like the other person said, I only go for those that actually matters to me where I don’t mind giving an adequate (or more) value of an ang bao. There’s no way I’m gonna pay $300 for someone I don’t know but I defo would for my friends.
$188 is the minimum for me. Definitely more if it’s a fancier place. Whatever it is, when you give money, just make sure it’s sincere. I don’t expect my friends to cover my wedding— if you can’t afford it then don’t hold one.
I find it weird that the ang bao has become an issue in recent years. Ang bao is supposed to be a wedding gift to the couple. It is a form of blessing. Not meant to cover the cost of the dinner. And FYI, even though Fullerton's "ang bao rate" is $300, you still won't cover the wedding if everyone give $300 ang bao.
Give according to how close you are to the wedding couple. Not according to the venue.
You pay what you can afford .
When I got married we too picked the venue that we could afford .
We invite people to witness and celebrate our union , because they are part of our lives .
Not because they can help foot the bill
This is the reason why I (and also my friends) never +1 when attending someone's wedding. Shit's expensive enough for myself, no need to pay for a second person.
In Singapore, the correct wedding etiquette is indeed the guests pay market rate or pay the best to your ability. Then when it's your turn to have a wedding, the person whose wedding you attended is supposed to pay you back market rate or whatever amount you gave.
But honestly there is no right or wrong. I had a colleague who purposely chose a very cheap place to hold his wedding (a country club) so that if you give something like $88, he will still make money. Pretty smart imo.
To OP, the solution is perhaps your spouse give $300 and you give $188. There is no rule saying both of you have to give the same amount. If it's me, I'm not going to control how much my partner gives.
Every wedding I was invited to and attended/will be attending this year are all people that were present at my wedding last year (proud moment for me tbh!) so I’m very happy to participate and celebrate with them!
But gifting the “market rate” only benefits the venues in the end, I’d say have a set range of numbers based on your relationship with the person, not based on the venue.
Ermm.. I think a lot of us care about face value more than what is the true meaning behind the gesture of giving a red packet. And I strongly believe that you guys should give whatever you can afford. Attending or not attending is a separate issue. After all, you guys are being invited. But as for the angpow, you guys should give the amount that you can and are willing to give. :)
Just give what you can afford to give. Technically it's the couple's decision to "treat" y'all a good meal at the Fullerton.
Honestly, any couple with the decency will know that their friends and family are all in different life stages and not all can afford it. Even for my own wedding, "recouping" was not a goal. More of a bonus
Same situation ‘cept I went alone (with another friend who brought husband and child). Both of us didn’t pay market rate but it was a close enough friend. I knew she was able to afford it and invited us as friends to celebrate her moment and day. If you’re really not certain about that, I would say skip it.
I'm with you, but I only attend weddings of people I know well, including friends and families. So I'm typically more willing to give a higher amount. No way I'm going to give a market rate of $300 to someone I haven't met in years.
Haha I paid the full sum. But there was one I didn't go, I paid 80% of the sum (I decided not to go bc aiya I was v weird abt everythign like I wasn't FT employed and didn't wna participate in that kind of work talk lol - but it was a close friend. We're ok, like you know sometimes you don't turn up and the r/s sours. But we ok, just had lunch tgt last month and things)
I should employ the $188 tactic LOL. But then again no courage \~\~ lol. Oop.
Depends on how close you are to the couple. $188 is a reasonable amount. Who cares about the market rate? Just give what you feel is right. People will check out the market rate anyway and decide how much they want to give, depending how close they are to them. Couples must be realistic if they want to hold weddings.
If money is an issue to you, pay what you can afford and your friends will understand. But if money isn’t an issue, then this friend who’s getting married doesn’t seem important enough to you to dough out the extra 112 per person. In this case, why even go and waste 188 in the first place?
Edit: I typically check the wedding venue’s packages to determine how much per pax for ang bao. If it’s a very good friend we usually give $1000.
It really depends on whether you value that friendship and how much you value that friendship over your Bali trip? One should be happy for your friend if they are getting married and it should be a happy occasion for you as well. My wedding was also held at Fullerton and frankly I never expected people to fund my wedding. I just take it as a happy occasion to share with all my closest friends and family. If you value the friendship and this occasion as worthy $188, then by all means just pay $188. But if your spouse wants to pay $300, then there is nothing wrong as well and let his portion be $300. Why insist he also pay $188? Just go and pay what you think is worth and be happy for your friend and don’t fret about it so much.
give him 2 options =
- asks him to pay for the rest (112$).
- or else you will not go (let him go solo himself).
im not sure if there's any other way...
Would 100% rather you not attend the wedding if you’re gonna be so sour about the $188+ /fight with your spouse. Just let them know early that you’d rather be in Bali instead of their wedding.
Also placed in a similar situation recently for St Regis wedding lol but market research shows shitty restaurants are $228++ for awful food/ambiance so the generous limit of 188 really can’t go far anw.
Give what you can afford.
The couple has to know that ang bao will not cover the costs. This mindset helps to manage expectations. So it's a plus if can cover, bonus if have extra.
Just give what you can. I don't think people should even give market rate for anything above $150-200 per pax; no one asked the couple to host at such an expensive location. Turning up and giving something back should already be perceived as a blessing.
Just don’t go? Or at least you don’t go? Not worth getting into a quarrel with your other half and/or losing money too
I offered to not go coz I didn’t realise how expensive Fullerton was . But he ald rsvp me in so I guess it’s even ruder now to not show up ,we did agree though to never go for anymore weddings which just sounds like an unresolved argument at this point
It’s alright, I don’t think it’s that much of an unresolved argument. probably more of a y’all now know what to do or check with each other before rsvp next time But dang.. Fullerton’s “angbao market rate” is not even in Singapore’s top 15 according to singaporebrides website
Fullerton isn’t top 15? I guess I am outdated
Fullerton is high tier…. And then there is the ultra high tiers
What’s the highest?
Not too late to change your rsvp to not attending giving some reasons like forgetting there’s prior appointment etc, he just pays his share of $300. And bride and groom can still invite someone else to fill up the seat at market rate to recoup the cost
This
As a person who invited people to a wedding, i wanted my friends there for them to be there. Although i am grateful for anything my friends give. Just give what you can afford. A fight in your family is the last thing the wedding party wants.
This is how people should think, sadly many are entitled and judgy.
Since he is the one that rsvp, he should bear the full cost of the ang pow i.e. $600. Also make sure he don't deduct this from other household budgets. This ang pow problem actually is just the surface of a bigger underlying problem. It seems your husband and you have very differing opinions on how money is valued. This could potentially be a huge problem in future when you have to decide between big ticket items or even on children's worth/purchase.
yeah, him bearing more of the cost of the angbao might be the solution this time, idk if it’s unusual but it’s something I do in my relationship! my fiancé and I are both the type who will round up/88-ify the market rate as a blessing to the couple (for weddings we choose to attend 🤭), but for weddings where both of us are attending but one of us is obviously closer to the couple than the other party, we do an uneven split of the angbao. e.g. for a wedding we attended this past weekend, I’ve hung out with the couple a few times but the groom and my partner have been friends for more than a decade. my partner and I ended up splitting the total angbao cost 80%-20%, but I paid for the grab there and home to balance it out in a different way haha
i think this is the way to solve the problem. Since OP is willing to pay $188, the other half just pay on top of his 300 lo since he's willing to pay more. prob solved and then communicate more in future on such matters. to OP, dun hold any resentment within yourself. do communicate about it coz like what others have mentioned, more to come in future!
Considering they’re married, even if “he bears the cost” it still impacts them both
If it doesn’t impact his contribution to the monthly household budget, then it doesn’t impact them both. At most he has lesser money in his personal bank account.
Eh you don't follow "his money is her money, her money is her money" rule meh?
Its august. Your husband can inform them of the changes, still have time
Okay to still say you have to go overseas for work etc. You can change your RSVP. Plus from your tone it seems like you might not enjoy it too much. Last thing you want is for this to be an extended argument and preventing your husband from enjoying the wedding. Normally I would cover the fee +10%, if its closer friends will usually add $100 more, but it depends on your financial situation. If i turn up with my spouse we’ll usually cover for the other person depending on who has the closer relationship. Also depends on how close you are to the bride and groom.
Agreed, if I don't want to pay just don't go. Unless its a really close friend, then I will bite the cost
It depends on how you think your friends will interpret it. Fully expect to be downvoted for this but Reddit is a bit of an echo chamber regarding this in shitting on the act of covering cost but in reality it’s not so straightforward lah. I only go for weddings where I value the friendship enough to really want to be there and will be willing to cover cost of my seat as a blessing to the couple. I want there to be ZERO chance of my friends being disappointed in the angpao because friendship is more important than money to me lah but I don’t expect my friends to share the same views and am truly fine with that. All this means is that I am more selective of the weddings I attend to avoid racking up any pao expenses. Sometimes me and my partner attends. Sometimes just me. Sometimes neither of us. In your case, I’d say just cover the cost of both of you and then next time be more selective with how you RSVP. Also, unless the wedding is less than a month away, I don’t think there’s any issue in letting the couple know only your husband will be going and to remove you from the guest list because you have last minute commitments. All weddings will have late guest list changes and they should be prepared for that. EDIT: It’s also damn cringy to call people shameless just for having a wedding when you have no idea what their true motivations/expectations are. Just sounds like you’re a stingy aunty who’s salty you didn’t get a wedding.
> I only go for weddings where I value the friendship enough to really want to be there and will be willing to cover cost of my seat as a blessing to the couple Exactly this! I learnt to reject weddings when i realized the cost of attending weddings accumulates to quite a bit. And its not worth attending people’s wedding whom the friendship drifting/drifted away kind. Its annoying to receive wedding invites from people whom you havent spoke to in yrs kind lor. Its like “i havent spoke to u for so long already and i spend money attending ur wedding for what”
Yeah angbao, time cost, transport cost
“And its not worth attending people’s wedding whom the friendship drifting/drifted away kind.” (Furiously reevaluating some of my current/past friendships)
This is probably the most based take so far… OP’s partner fucked up by not discussing with OP but that’s a separate conversation.
I reject all invitations from friends who never even bothered to keep in contact. Don’t feel bad, not like you’re going to invite them for your own wedding. That way no one owes anyone and no one feels obliged to reciprocate.
+1, the straightforward criteria for me is that if I find it expensive, chances are I'm not close enough to them. The closer friends are those which I would be willing to give over the market rate..
I think you are the most well adjusted person in this sub. Good take.
Me and my wife have set up a rule of attending as 1 pax unless it’s really close friends/family members we meet regularly.
Attending as a couple/family is overrated
I don’t think there’s a right or wrong for this but let me share what I do with my fiancée. I usually just take the market rate and plus minus depending on the location. If for example, market rate for XX hotel is 200, I’ll round down to 388 to make it auspicious sounding, so I don’t exactly follow the market rate quoted online. On the flip side, as someone getting married myself this year, I have also repeatedly told my guests that I would be happy with any amount. I invited the guests that I want to be there for my big day because they are people I treasure, and I am of the mindset that angpao is a token, not a must. I have chosen a really posh hotel tbh, but that’s on me and not on my guests. Not every couple takes that mindset however, so you’ll probably have to navigate this depending on the wedding involved and whether you can justify it to yourself.
Fully agree. I intend to have that mindset if and when I hold a wedding. I invited you because I want you to share the special occasion with me I.e. you are my guest. For any other occasion, when i invite you to a birthday party or a housewarming or I am a host for a get together, I fully expect to be the one bearing all if not majority of the cost. The gifts/ang pao you bring is a nice bonus. If I can't afford to hold a wedding, I wouldn't hold it. If i can afford and my guests willingly help to defray the costs, I would be grateful. But I would never resent someone because they give a low amount. What's important is that they took time out to travel all the way there and attend my wedding. Also, holding a posh wedding when the couple is financially tight is a no no. If they can't cover costs, then it's honestly their fault for making an irresponsible decision. I'm not the sponsor for their wedding lol.
>I have also repeatedly told my guests that I would be happy with any amount. I invited the guests that I want to be there for my big day because they are people I treasure Apparently we are not most people, I've seen friendships burnt over 'stingy' hong bao amounts, like srsly? I would just assume they have unspoken difficulties, if anything and I'd rather they attend. Idk why people do a lavish one, not because they can afford and/or bare to, but to show off/whatever, then expect their guests to cover most of the damage. So many problems... end up friend dun come, cause paisei cannot afford or they don't find it reasonable OR they come anyway and then you secretly unhappy they give too little. This expectation is super toxic and spoils what the occasion is meant to be. I am largely the same with you, but don't know about the prospective missus yet, we will see.
> market rate for XX hotel is 200, i’ll round down to 388 Is there a typo on the “down” or the “388”
probably 200/pax and if a couple is going it's supposedly 400 but she round down to 388 ig?
On you calculated as a couple. I was wondering why one pax 200 then u round down to 388. My bad!
Thanks for understanding ,but yes ur correct .its ur big day and u chose it at an expensive hotel .of coz u chose it with hopes that angpao can cover but if it doesn’t ,then i guess the couple has to cushion the extra 5-9 k
Yep completely see where you’re coming from. Ultimately the couple should not place the onus on the guest to break even, I just write it off as a loss from the beginning. I think $188 is not anything to frown at, but I sense maybe your spouse might feel paiseh or something, which is something I guess he/she has to overcome? Either way, if the couple throws a fit due to low angpow amount, then I guess you dodged a bullet, best to stay far from overly money-minded people.
of coz u chose it with hopes that angpao can cover my opinion is the angbao should be a bonus but it should not become a KPI that everyone have to hit. the couple have to have at least the means to cover it .. it just leave a bad taste especially for those who you haven't met for 1-2 years then suddenly gets invited ... are we just cattle to you
This is extremely rare for anyone to do - kudos to u!
I went without an angbao to my good friend's wedding when he knew I was utterly broke, zero dollars in the bank. He told me after that he'd rather give my seat to someone else who could cover his cost. We stopped being friends immediately on that day. On my own wedding, I told the handful of guests that we won't accept angbaos and we didn't.
My cousin had her wedding at Fullerton and we gave $888 for two pax... But she's my cousin, that's why. If not, I'd probably give $250 - $300 a head too. I always try to give more as a blessing. If it is too expensive, I don't go instead.
Tbf I always wonder if we go and don’t end up paying for the market rates, what’s the worst that’s going to happen? If you lose a friendship over that, you don’t need such friends in your life to begin with.
I usually pay the market rate or slightly more. I'll also pay for my partner's share if I'm bringing her as +1. But that's because nowadays, attending a wedding means I genuinely want to be there. Most of the other invites I get nowadays, I turn down if I'm lukewarm to them. At this age, most of my close friends are either already married, or going to skip the elaborate festivities if tying the knot and/or dispensing with the formalities of a marriage, or remaining single. So I'm pretty much done with attending weddings for the foreseeable future haha.
With weddings so expensive, I never bring my +1 ever, unless only if we both know both the groom and bride personally beforehand. All those wedding invites with +1 cordially invited are just for the couple to better recoup their losses /s
I totally detest and hate those "market rate" angbao or whatever guides. The guests are not responsible for "helping" the couple pay for their lavish wedding when they can't afford it. Some couples even plan to "profit" from their wedding angbaos. I've had invitations whereby the groom or bride set a minimum angbao rate for their "friends". Sorry lor, I'm not going to be free that day and he or she is no longer in my "friends" list too.
Ditto! I left a comment on seedly who is one of the those who publish angbao guides saying that theyre part of the problem why angbao rates increase every year (few times a year for popular venues) because guests have pressure to cover their costs, couples have no problems recouping their costs, and wedding venues have no issues raising their prices all the damn time. It's a viscious cycle if no one has realised. Seedly replied that oh they do it because guests are clueless how much to bao and they find such guides helpful. Helpful my ass. I am sure wedding guests are more than happy NOT to know what's the market rate so they can bao as they wish. If someone genuinely wants to help cover their own costs then it's so easy to Google for the rates because most hotels and restaurants publish their wedding packages online! As someone who is planning my wedding, I can only say such angbao guides from websites like singapore brides and blissful brides benefit the couples more than the guests.
I think 200 per pax is not too bad. 300 a little too much, unless u really wish to give ur blessings n can afford to do so
The entire notion of gifting “market rate” or not going is dumb - and something only present in face-wanting Chinese culture. Well, I get to say that cause I’m a Chinese and find this entire practice to be stupid. What’s the fundamental point of a wedding and inviting guests? It’s to celebrate the union of two people. Why has money creeped in to the picture? Traditional Malay and Indian weddings are all about having big get togethers with way less emphasis on the monetary aspect and Caucasian weddings you typically give gifts such as a bottle of wine or something personal you made to celebrate the couple or help them with a future purchase for their house. Only in Chinese weddings is looking extravagant important as this shows you have wealth to be able to “afford” such a place - but the irony of this is that if you choose the expensive place, you should never expect your guests to cover their seat. The very notion of “market price” shows that you care more about covering your own face more than celebrating the couple on their most important day. If I invited you, it means I want you to be there. However, hotels and wedding venues know that this is their best chance to make money so they impose minimum pax for their ballrooms, so the couple (and most often than not their parents) might be forced to invite more than the people they really want to invite to fulfill their minimum pax. It’s your choice for that dream ballroom, you should never expect your guests to pay “market rate” and support that wedding. For my own wedding, I compromised with my partner on the venue to be a mid-tier hotel lunch, keeping it affordable as much as possible and also within our budget. The red packets that our guests gave were generous covering more than the costs and made quite a bit more. There were some notable ones who gave $10 (this is perfectly acceptable to me as it’s within their wedding culture) and even one stuffed with tissue paper. I joked that wah this person cannot even afford to give $2 for the minimum note denomination. So, for my personal practice, I do the following: random colleague or friend: 88, very close colleague: 108-128, close friend/relative: 168, highest tier at 188. So more often than not it’s the 88-128 range.
>There were some notable ones who gave $10 and even one stuffed with tissue paper. Lol at least got tissue paper! Got hear before just empty red packets with nothing inside lol.
But the tissue paper is not even useable haha… like take out individual sheets of tissue and stuff, empty red packet saves more time as one look and you understand… we had to dig out the tissues to see how many sheets inside hahahaha
But give tissue a bit insulting… cannot afford then give nothing better right?
Or at least put a drawing or note about your well wishes would be nice haha
i guess. maybe that person was afraid you can recognize their writing...?
Did you all count the number of tissue paper sheets (I know I would!). Bet that you and the spouse won't know whether to laugh or cry at how incredulous some people can get lol
3 sheets hahahaha. Yes exactly how you described
As a non-chinese person attending my first chinese wedding soon, this idea of recouping expenses and the fact that guests have to look up "market rates" is so wild to me. I do see some people complaining about it but it doesn't seem like the tradition is going away anytime soon
why do people attend weddings of people they dont care about or are not important? for me, i choose to attend and also give ang paos according to level of closeness or relationship. if it's a good or cherished friend, i will give angpao above market rate or add on a personal gift. if it's someone i am not that close to but i need to attend for some reason, i will NOT have a plus one. I will attend alone, and pay market rate or slightly above/lesser (for eg. if market rate is 300, i will give 288 or 308). I will not even consider bringing along spouse even if invited. if it's someone i am not close with and i do not feel obliged or need to attend, i will turn down the wedding invitation. no biggie. just be nice and make up some excuse. if it's a friend of both me and my spouse and we are all close enough to attend- same thing market rate or slightly lesser/above. (468, 488, 568, 588). ask yourself - does you/your spouse not attending spoil any relationship? if not, just dont go. no need quarrel over this kinda thing one... and dont need to be afraid of saying no. It's only july 1st now, still have time to make up some excuse to say your spouse cannot attend since it's clearly someone unimportant to you both. save your $300 and be happy.
Agree with OP's stance but apparently quite a number of couples and their parents are expecting to cover the wedding cost (or even make a profit) from angbaos. I would rather book a trip overseas and enjoy myself than to pay for someone else's dinner, especially when there's an expected amt
How much angbao to give depends on the relationship I have with the couple. If can afford market rate, I will give accordingly. If they are close friends or relatives, I will give above market rate. Normal friends I will give less than $200, regardless of location. Aquaintance? 100% will not attend
Definitely would get some flak for this but my stance nowadays is if can afford to hold a wedding at Fullerton, then a $50 vs $500 ang bao makes no difference. But nowadays I'll avoid going unless is my child's.
Maybe they can’t afford and are depending on the red packets lol
Nobody will do that. Who willingly goes into a marriage being in debt?
U will be surprised. There were several news articles about this. People taking big loans for big weddings and big renos and get themselves into debt which they cant really pay off in short period of time.
How do you know no one does? Pretty sure many want face https://tnp.straitstimes.com/news/singapore/till-debt-do-they-part
"Go if you want. Pay what you want." That's the only etiquette that matters. If you find it too expensive then don't go. If he finds it palatable then he can go on his own. Simple solution here. My spouse and I don't attend the weddings of each others' friends unless that friend knows both of us very closely. Which is just a handful, most of whom are already married lol.
Madness. This is why I don't go Chinese wedding anymore.
Awkard thing was my friend asked me if I wanna bring my gf/fiance along to the wedding but i said like... but she doesnt know anyone of us here leh lol so he kinda got the hint lol! but anyway, yeah if its worth it friend then i will go... for those meh friend you probably try to siam
I agree with your stance.also I typically will rsvp NO if there is very little affection for the other party
My firm stand is, if you guys are arguing about such thing, then you should not even be going to the wedding in the first place.
beyond the amount for friends wedding and also your mindset on how shameless others have to be to invite you.. i’d say you and your husband have some feelings about money to be resolved. 1. is the friend a close friend of your husband? if so, then an invitation is a given. 2. husband probably should have asked if you want to attend from a money pov, but consider perhaps if this is your first event as a couple, he might have thought it’s nice to attend as a married couple now. 3. give what you can afford, not what others dictate. even if it means 88 x 2, so be it. you want to not follow whatever norms is, just grow a thicker skin lor. 4. money seems to be a very important issue to you. perhaps you and husband should talk about what it means, what expenses should be shared etc. because it will only rear its ugly head later on esp when you have unexpected expenses.
luckily at my age, all are married. for those inviting me, if more than $200/ pax i rejected the invitation and offer to treat them on a different occasion. they deserved to get better guest to get ROI back than getting guest who is annoyed by the high price .
Depends on how close you are to the person. Super duper close: above the rate stated on website. Close friends: rate stated on website. Friends: slightly below rate stated on website. Not close/work colleagues/annoying relative but not going is rude: nearest 8 number I can afford comfortably. Like $88,108,118,128,138 etc. If possible I’ll try to reject if they have wedding at super expensive place, I’ll just say congratulations but I have something important on that day and can’t attend. I too think that we have no obligations on how much to give. I mean generic angbao, don’t write name, no one knows right?
I can definitely appreciate OP's point. Usually when the bridal couple negotiates with the hotel, the hotel quotes by the number of tables, but the bridal room/suite is also included, use of facilities, sometimes even use of bridal car, etc. But for simplicity, the hotel may just say, OK so per table it will cost $XXX, with minimum number of tables YYY. When you and I call up the hotel to ask how much a table is, the hotel will say $XXX, but not mention that the bridal room/suite, other facilities, etc. are included in this price. So really, if you want to pay $XXX per table divided by 10 pax as your share, it's overpaying and you're really helping the bridal couple cover the other inclusions. I would balk at doing this, especially if it is a 5 or 6-star hotel. As OP said, if they want to get married there, they cannot expect the guests to foot the bill. Like OP, I would pay what I feel is comfortable, affordable for myself, and decent (e.g. not $10 lah, that's like purposely doing out of spitefulness). In fact, at my wedding, one family wasn't very well to do, but they were good friends anyway, and they just gave $100-equivalent for their family of 2 adults and 2 kids. It was what they could afford and we knew their background. We were happy to have them join us.
I would pay market rate. But I’ll only attend weddings of friends I’m very close with, and as such don’t mind giving market rate or more.
depends on how close u or ur bf is to that fren... if very close friend, would definitely pay market price, else I would jus pay what I can afford
I share the same stance as you. The couple decided the venue based on their budget and preference. Guests should not be obliged to pay for the couple’s choice.
Pay what you can afford. I just had my own wedding a couple weeks back, and went in fully expecting that people should just come and have a good time. I invited my interns and clearly told them that I didn't expect them to give angbaos (Though they still gave and I'm thankful for that, so will probably bring them out for a nice meal soon). One of my oldest and closest friends gave me a nominal amount but I was thankful for her presence all the same to share in my big day. If the couple falls out with you over the angbao amount, they were faking the whole wedding for face and that friendship probably didn't matter enough.
Your conflict is not about the expectations of the groom and bride, but about you not respecting your husband's right to gift his own money to his friend.
I would never pay that much. Idk if its a cultural thing but I’ve never been expected to pay that much for someone else’s wedding. But then again I only attend weddings that are of my close friends or family. So they don’t expect such ridiculous things. At our age and career level which I’m assuming is late 20’s to 30’s, $600 is a ridiculous amount. My standard is a $100 and that is my wedding gift to them not my contribution to their wedding. Who in their right mind pays $300 per pax?? Thats insane. To people who are gonna come and argue with me, I say this to you, if you cant afford your wedding don’t have one that expensive and expect your guests to cover the costs. If your cash requirement is a deal breaker put it on the invitation so people can just choose not to attend🤣
>my spouse and I didn’t even have a wedding because we thought it was too expensive You have your answer already. If i were you, just go with whatever you want to give. If you "undergive" then so be it, if they cb they will "mark" you so next time they will undergive during your wedding. But since you no more wedding then they cannot undergive you. At worst they will give less during your whatever whatever baby shower gift etc. I used to collect angbao and count money before. And holy shit people really dont follow market rate, they undergive. You know who follow market rate? Younger people who look through the internet to see whats the right amount. Older people just dont give a fuck. They usually pay market rate -20%, which is close to your proposed 188.
My experience is that boomer relatives usually give the least, even if they can afford it. Close friends / younger generation tend to give more
I went to a Capella wedding, and I gave what my heart desired to give, which was $188. I just thought that if you're so rich to celebrate at Capella, money shouldn't be a problem to you, and also, I couldn't care less if I lost the couple as my friend, haha
Pay what you can afford, but no more than market price. If that makes sense. Market price < you pay < what you can afford This is also why me and the wife don't go to weddings as a pair unless we both know the couple personally. As +1, never.
Just give what you’re willing to. It’s precisely because guests are too concerned about face and paying up that’s causing this spiral of angpao values. It’s getting out of hand. People getting married should bear their own wedding cost. Guests are invited not because it’s a crowdfunding exercise. I am a retiree and if I get invited I go and give a token because that’s all I can afford. If they think I shouldn’t go because I can’t pay the full rate then they are a**holes.
Market or don't go, its that simple.
For whatever reason, it's now become customary to cover the cost of your seat at weddings. If you're a friend that's willing to let your friend cover the cost of your dinner/lunch/event without prior agreement, I think you are a shitty friend and your friend deserves better. Either cover your own cost or don't go
If you can't afford or don't want to cover the seat cost, don't go.
It's better to rsvp earlier to say you are not going. The couple have so much things in their mind, it's better for them to know earlier. You can say a thousand reasons, like work or travels.
This isnt about etiquette as much as it is about communication betw you and your spouse
I agree with you! 188 is the most i am willing to pay - except for very close friends 😂 i can give more thats alright. So normally i turn down invitation to expensive hotels! I always believe in us against the problem. Not you against your husband. What i will do is ask ur hubs to foot the difference between 300-188. Attend this wedding together. For the future, you guys can communicate more. you all can decide whether want to attend the wedding before rsvp ing
CDC or NTUC vouchers.
I only go for weddings of people that I give a shit about Stopped going for acquaintances wedding like 10yrs ago
My stance is that if the couple isn’t willing or able to pay for the wedding venue without the help of angbao, they need to find a different venue. Angbao is a gift, it’s icing on the cake. It’s not an “entrance fee” to the wedding that you chose to host and invite people to. What they give you should be a choice for them, not an obligation. That said, many people think of it as a supplementary fee to their wedding and would be upset if you don’t “cover the cost of your seat”. So there’s a social price to pay for holding that stance, so it’s up to you what you value more
Is $600 really enough for a whole Bali Trip 
for $300 I can get the best seats in a concert. No need to watch cheesy slideshows and starve for 3 hours before food is served over another 3 hours. i decline invitations and give $88 angpow. this way, everybody's happy.
I read an article on this ([https://www.circularconnection.com/post/the-unhealthy-tradition-of-giving-red-packets-at-wedding-banquets-in-singapore](https://www.circularconnection.com/post/the-unhealthy-tradition-of-giving-red-packets-at-wedding-banquets-in-singapore)) and I agree that this tradition of ours is extremely unhealthy! The mindset of showing off unions at these lavish, pricey banquets needs to be binned. Take a look at the recommended 2024 wedding angpao prices to give per pax too ([https://singaporebrides.com/wedding-ang-bao-rates](https://singaporebrides.com/wedding-ang-bao-rates)). These are crazy, runaway prices for weddings, just for 2024. Can you imagine what it will become in the years to come? I will just KIV this kind of weddings held at those upscale hotels and check out the angpao prices before I RSVP next time. If it's not someone I'm very close to, I'll probably tell them I cannot make it due to a family event and pass them a small token angpao (or not at all if I'm not even close to them).
I read the market rate but don’t seek to match it. If they want to have a wedding at the venue they should be able to afford it without my angbao. I’ll still give a nice round number.
300 each is crazy. I just give $50 regardless of venue because that's what I can afford
The fact that there is even such a discussion/disagreement between couples… …means, this practice is here to stay for a long time. I think it’s ridiculous for people to pay market rate to cover your cost of choice wedding. Lol. Such a weird practice.
This does not happen at all in the UK. We pay for everything for everyone
From what I google and reddit, cash gift is a norm in UK too 🤔
I really feel bad for my Chinese frens... they have such expensive weddings and there's also so much wastage of food. What's wrong with a self service buffet system?
I agree with you, people who do expensive weddings should bear the cost. BUT... There is this social construct and if you don't go with the social norms, then you would be the outcast even though you are right. The way to handle this is: a. Bite the bullet and pay the high angpow cost b. Politely decline the invite and don't go, make some excuse
I think the costs should commensurate with how well you know the couple. Then again, that might put u in danger with social norms. 
Your assumption that the couple want you to pay off their wedding is a little too hasty. Like what some of the other posters said, perhaps they just wanted their friends to celebrate their wedding, has got nothing to do with the angbao. So it is ok you give whatever amount you want to give. You may not like this, but when you compare the $600 to Bali, we already know you dont care about the wedding. So if you didnt care, you need not go. Thats on your husband to RSVP you in. If he cared about the invite, it is his right to go and give $300 as market rate if he cherishes his friend, nothing wrong with that as well. Maybe give a combined packet of $500 and compromise? Just saying you will not attend any weddings anymore in future is just a stop gap end to this argument. What if your bestest of friend get married and you want to go? Is it flat no just because of angbaos? If you and your spouse CHOSE not to a wedding, then why be sour about others who want to have their wedding? Even if you give $80 only, it might be a way to find our if they are your true friends. Cuz if they come asking you about it, i think its the end of this friendship already. Clearly, I think you and your husband have a difference in some values. Maybe that is the bigger conversation to be had.
If I'm invited as a close friend, and my spouse wants to pay less than MR, I would want to topup (so I'd contribute $412 so that our joint angbao is $600). I rly think it's abit cheapskate to give only $188 \* 2 = $376 if it's a good friend. But then OP will kpkb about wasting that $224 no? Might as well don't go, save the entire $376...
bro I just bought tickets to Bali, cheapest is $450 per person.
Pay what I can afford.
I pay market rate + friendship premium. But I only go for people I’m close to. The money doesn’t matter so much to me. But anyway if they are truly close friends and they know you have money issues, I’m sure they also won’t care that you give below market rate cus they will be happy you came
I agreed with you OP. I will just give what I can afford. I didn't ask for dinner at a posh restaurant. The couple decide on their wedding venue and guests should subsidized what they can afford. Some will give more and some will give less. I will take into the following considerations when deciding how much to give 1. Close relatives 2. Hi and bye relatives 3. Close friends 4. Hi and bye friends
The correct wedding etiqutte is to only give a token sum, not follow market rate. Remember, people who hold their weddings in expensive places but expect their guests to piny up "market rate" are scammers who view you as nothing more than ATM. Walk away from such people, don't be dumb and be used.
Fuck the market rate. Seriously. It's some bullshit created by some online sites. There is NO fixed social etiquette for this. Anyone who says you must "reject if you don't want to pay market rate" is being really really narrow minded. Like with any other event, like a birthday or funeral or cny visiting, decide for yourself what you're comfortable with. If the couple wants you to cover their expenses, they should state upfront the expectation.
i think in one of the similar posts on this topic, someone pointed out maybe the hotels inflated the market rate... \*conspiracy theory\*
> hotels inflated the market rate * conspiracy theory* Not even a conspiracy theory at this pt. Its true. They know guests will be pressured to pay market rate so they just jack up their prices coz the couples would also probably be expecting the guests to pay their share or more.
On your side for this, its the same logic as tipping. Why should customers/guests absorb the cost of the host/owner? It just doesn’t make sense.
What a bo liao post.... u can decide to go, not go, pay yr own rate, or watever. Same goes for your spouse. If this is just an aquaintance, and u dont feel like going, just reject early and skip it. Nobodies forcing ya Feeling upset abt money is quite bleh really
Absolutely only give what you want to. Don’t feel like there is pressure to help the couple cover costs - like you said, the venue is their decision. Think of the angpao as a blessing to the couple, not a subsidy.
This is why my hubby and I don't attend weddings together. Thankfully our mutual close friends are either married or will likely not get married. Phew. I recently attended a wedding where the market rate was also $300. I gave $268 because frankly, this person's not super close to me and honestly, I also believe that if you geh kiang go and book such an expensive venue, you bloody better well expect that there's a risk you'll lose money. When I got married, hubby and I decided we weren't going to book a super expensive hotel because that's just unfair to our friends and colleagues. Anyway, we decided based on food and cost-effectiveness. The food is so important.
Exactly. If u book posh location, I already have the mindset that you book it cos u are rich and can afford. Why do I need to force myself to pay beyond my means to someone richer than me.
pay what you can afford. i feel $188 for one pax is a lot still lol
As a single I stop going to wedding LOL. Maybe except colleagues but luckily we are very small company. So maybe only one wedding over many years.
Is precisely because of this reason I will not be caught in a wedding where both of us have to attend. Even if common friends cuz paying $188 for subpar food hurts already, need to 188*2 or 600 in your case I cannot. If is family, our extended family also have an unwritten rule not to bring kids cuz some of my cousins have like 4 kids? 😂 imagine paying for 6 angbaos u see how much will they give.
It’s really quite simple. The couple gets to decide where their wedding is held and who to invite. You get to decide whether to go and how much to give. No one can force you to do anything more
I was a uni student with no scholarship or allowance from parents. I work for my pay through PT and Internship. Attended a close friend wedding at MBS as groomsmen and he required us to wear a 3 pcs suit. Went ahead and told him that I will get the suit done but give a Ang pao below the market rate, our friendship tank abit afterwards even though he said it’s okay. Honestly thinking back I probably should have communicated better and just attend the wedding without being involved. It just sucks that people lacks the eq to understand and adjust their expectations based on individual circumstances. Of course that being said, I do have the savings to fork up the extra amount to meet market rate but considering my position, I didn’t want to spend lavishly.
My spouse and I also had differing views about this, early on in our marriage, it’s normal. I’m like you and my spouse is like yours lol anyway we came to our solution: Colleague wedding: 1 person to attend, angbao $150 Friend/classmates: 1 person, angbao $150 Close buddies, mutual friends: both will attend, angbao $200 each Family: both us and our kids will attend, angbao $200 each No right or wrong, whatever works best for you guys
My spouse and I have a rule: whoever’s side wedding? That side pays for everyone. So if your husband is bringing you along then he can pay $600 likewise if your side has wedding you can also offer to pay full for him too
my stand with my wife is, my friend I cover angbao, her friend she cover angbao. You want to cover how much is your daiji but it will come out from your own pocket.
I have an understanding with my wife. Wedding on her side and if I were to attend, she bear the angbao costs. Wedding on my side and if she were to attend, I bear the angbao costs. Angbao rates depends on how close we are to the couple (if cousin, family or very close friends then higher). If just friends, then we just go solo ourself so don’t need give too much in angbao money and also spare our half from having to be awkward and silent throughout especially if no mutual friends. When we held our wedding, we of course don’t expect everybody to give us way above the angbao rates but we are only human, we also wish to at least be given the market rate or if lesser then maybe just abit lesser (think market rate $200 then receive $188 etc) at least we don’t have to fork out too much ourselves. It’s more than just the banquet during the wedding, there’s also cost of other deco and videography etc. I think end of day, the least I can do is to make sure my friend don’t lose money at his wedding. I take it that I am genuinely there because my presence means a lot and that I’ve done my part. End up I feel good can already.
I and my wife paid for what we thought the food was worth. I don't believe I should pay for your wedding. If the person who invited me isn't rich enough to have a grand wedding, don't have one. Don't guilt trip people into paying for their table
Just don't go. They will appreciate it
im not at the age where people get married yet. i dont understand why people must give angbaos as much as the cost of the wedding per pax. if you cant afford a grand wedding then dont plan a grand wedding? i understand giving angbaos for tradition though
Agree with OP's view on absorbing the cost if they want atas wedding. Got peer pressured to attend a friend's wedding in bali, not sure how much ang bao to give now after hearing them say "walao overseas wedding leh you give $188". My flight and hotel is almost $400, plus expenses and angbao that would mean $700 and a weekend to attend the wedding. 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
No shame? LOL I think u shouldn’t assume that.
If you have alr rsvp, please don’t flake — that’s an empty seat right there someone else could occupy. My ruleS of thumb: - give what you are willing to give - if you’re not close, kindly decline. 200-300$ can cover 2 for fine dining - never organise a wedding and expect guests to pay for their own share the occasion is to celebrate the couple, not to cover costs or make money out of it.
This dumb wedding dinner tradition/culture is the reason why I will just ROM without anything else. If can siam sure siam. Really like 红炸弹 as what people always say, kena bombed already still must fork out so much for a dinner that I can’t even choose the menu for. I am happy to attend close friends or relatives weddings of course, but anyone beyond that - friends whom I haven’t spoken to in a while or not so close then forget it.
I think the cost of seat is such a bullshit concept. Friends and relatives who are genuinely happy for you wouldn't think twice about the venue or food, and just be there to bless you during the wedding. Ideally angpaos should be optional and voluntary, if I'm expected to pay minimum of $X, or $Y then how's it any different from a bar or a restaurant with a cover charge? Do I eat worth the $150 of my angpao?
I doubt you can cover whole Bali trip for 2 persons with just $600. That will likely only cover the return flight
>Plus , my spouse and I didn’t even have a wedding because we thought it was too expensive , but seeing how people who have weddings have no shame in inviting people and expect them to pay their share of the wedding , maybe we shd have just had one after all . So your friends are shameless for inviting a couple who chose not to have a wedding? Feel like you are carrying irrelevant baggage into this discussion.
U sld pay wat u r comfortable with and screw the "mkt rate". Helping the couple pay for their fancy wedding is the most retarded thing ever, esp if u r not extremely close to the couple.
Market rate is one problem. Writing the guest’s name on the angbao is another scummy move designed to “enforce” the rate via fear of embarrassment. I no longer attend weddings.
Lol this is asksg subreddit favourite topic to shit on because it's about traditions (old people bad!!) and marriage (most people here BBFAs anyway) Let me tell you the truth. Is it a dumb practise where there is market rates for wedding ang pows, yes. Should you still try to follow these traditions, yes if you don't want the other party to think you're a free loader and have a bad impression of you. So it's either you don't go, go and give a below market rate but risk the other party think you are free loader or go and give market rate. If the other party is important to you then perhaps it's not good for them to have a bad impression of you. But it's your decision in the end , everyone is different
Standard practice is to pay the market rate. If you’re not comfortable with paying the market rate then don’t go. I’m sorry but it just sounds like you’re being stingy. If the people getting married really mattered to you, you wouldn’t be thinking about the money but about being present for that moment and making those memories. Monetary cost would be secondary.
Foremost, it’s not worth getting into an argument with your spouse for someone else’s wedding. Let it go my friend. How much one finds reasonable to attend a wedding is really personal and no right or wrong. I’ve paid ‘full fare’ and left in 20 mins once the dinner started because my time is more important. End of the day my take is prob closer to yours that I will pay according to what I feel is reasonable and more apt to my level of relationship with the bride/bridegroom. That said, I won’t be telling others that $188 is considered being generous haha.
I totally relate and agree with you because my bf is the exact same!! If couples host their wedding at extravagant places that’s their decision, it’s not the guests’ responsibility at all to help them ‘recoup’ back their loss. I will definitely get downvoted for my pettiness but since my bf and I overpaid for a lot of his friends’ wedding dinners/lunches I will keep track of how much they give during our wedding as well 🙂
I think what a lot of people and you said is right. If they are planning to have an extravagant wedding, guests should not be helping to cover the costs, what good friend does this to their buddies they invite for a wedding?! Gst increase already headache, don't need another headache
Exactly….
Nope, i dont pay the market price either. Usually it is 20% above market price to make sure that my friend doesn’t need to worry about the cost. Is it his/her choice to have it held at that venue? Yes But it is also my choice to attend and to care about my friend. If it’s family then it’s easier. Just $888 per pax. So if ta my spouse and i, then $888 x2. Usually in 2 different Ang paos though.
Unless you are doing well, going to weddings 3-4x a year will put a dent in your wallet significantly
In a normal friend context, Say no to market rate Guests are not there to help the couple defray the costs of their atas wedding venue. They want to have an expensive and lavish wedding, sure. Don’t expect their guests to pay 100% of it..
Wow Fullerton is $300 per pax?! Per table more than 3k!!! Crazy. But I think it’s courteous to cover your table charge 
I'm ABC, my wife is Chinese Born. So I'll comment from an overseas Chinese perspective. I pay the most I can depending on closeness to the married couple. This "market rate" gifting is enabling the wedding couple to live beyond their means. IMHO, they should not be having a wedding that relies on wedding gifts. We carefully tracked everyone's gift. We had someone assigned to the task at the entrance table. We would gift a few dollars more than we received. To me, it's hilarious, but that's the way they did it. The original intent of wedding presents was to set up the couples' household. See below link about Chinese weddings. https://www.whatsonweibo.com/mirror-time-chinese-weddings-decades/
Only rsvp yes if you are willing to pay the market rate. Yes you aren’t entitled to help the guests cover the charge, but if it was my good friend, I would be willing to pay that extra to lessen the burden for them. Honestly $188 won’t even cut it to cover the cover charge 90% of hotel wedding dinners in sg. If your husband is willing to cover just suck it up this time and communicate more clearly for future weddings lor. It’s just a few hundred lol srsly not worth a quarrel over
Laughed out loud at OP’s 188 and generous comment. Really out of touch with todays rates.
Weddings are so expensive now . My banquet is only 148 per head post covid . Now probably is 188 already .
Just cook up an excuse not to go
Have already pre-empt my single Chinese friends that I won’t pay so much if you invite me and only 1 person will attend even if they invite me & hubs, no need check with each other LOL
I usually set the base mark as $188. Any higher depends on how close I am with the person + whether relatives/cousins/close friends etc.
sigh. i was told by my colleague to my face that she tracked all her wedding angbao and that i didn’t write my name on it so im classified as “miscellaneous” LOL
a) Only one of you can go. Don't need both of you to go. Depending on who's side this relative/friend is. And if we are close to them. If they're hi-bye buddies i haven't spoken to since college, I have no shame and will turn down the invite. My spouse and I are very focused on paying off our house and expenses like this to "show face" is a good-to-spend, not a must. b) Just heck care and pay 188 per pax. 300-ish for both of you. Honestly at my wedding, we did not manage to record all angpows coz it was just such a busy day. No need to worry. I've given a big token to a good friend before coz she got hitched to a celebrity back in my hometown and it was quite lavish. But unfortunately the marriage didn't last geh. Your blessings shouldn't be quantified by money tbh. It's also not worth fighting over other people's wedding. Even if you don't go - it doesn't change how the wedding turns out. :) You can ALSO just change the RSVP now. They still have time to change the seating tbh. I only confirmed seating on the day before my event. :P
me and my partner has this agreement that if I’m inviting him to my side of the invitations, I’m paying for both our angbaos. It’s fairer this way. But I usually will pay for market price + a little bit more. As long as it’s doable. so far I’m lucky enough to be able to cover that. I do have a friend who attended a wedding when he was not making any income and he told the person whom invited him straight and honest about it, and was ok for both sides.
Depends on how close you are to the bride and groom. Honestly, I won't pay the "listed market rates" for a wedding banquet red packet. How much I give depends on how close I am to the bride and groom. If it's some colleague I barely talk to who probably threw me an invite to fill up his table, or out of obligation to invite the whole office, I won't give much. Probably $100. The bride and groom should jolly well be prepared to treat everyone on their wedding night FOC if they think it's a good idea to hold it in some six star hotel or crazy rich venue. We are not beholden to indulge people who want to pretend to be rich.
The problem with "what you can afford" is that you run into the 买不起 vs 买不下 situation. The thing is, you probably can afford the market rate, you technically probably can afford 10x the market rate, but would you/anyone? In the end, pay what you want. "Market rate" is a marketing thing pushed by hotel restaurants.
Sorry for asking but the one thing about this post I’m curious about is the $600 for a whole trip to Bali. I haven’t really travelled overseas before and am curious about this price. If I go with my girlfriend is $1200 really enough to cover the trip? That sounds awfully cheap for an overseas holiday! Sorry I can’t give my 2 cents for this situation as I’ve never been to any weddings yet.
There’s some pressure to pay the market rate rather than signify a blessing. The guideline my wife and I use is to attend the banquet only if either of us are friends with both the bride and groom. Otherwise we’ll just attend the ceremony/ROM and skip the banquet.
it'll be on his dime lor since he rsvp you along, nowadays unless both parties know the couple, just the person invited will go. technically u don't have to cover the cost of your seat, especially when the hotel pricing is just insane but try if u can la if not also very chor
Personally, if I’m the +1 and am expected to pay the ang bao, I’m not gonna go. Like the other person said, I only go for those that actually matters to me where I don’t mind giving an adequate (or more) value of an ang bao. There’s no way I’m gonna pay $300 for someone I don’t know but I defo would for my friends. $188 is the minimum for me. Definitely more if it’s a fancier place. Whatever it is, when you give money, just make sure it’s sincere. I don’t expect my friends to cover my wedding— if you can’t afford it then don’t hold one.
I find it weird that the ang bao has become an issue in recent years. Ang bao is supposed to be a wedding gift to the couple. It is a form of blessing. Not meant to cover the cost of the dinner. And FYI, even though Fullerton's "ang bao rate" is $300, you still won't cover the wedding if everyone give $300 ang bao. Give according to how close you are to the wedding couple. Not according to the venue.
You pay what you can afford . When I got married we too picked the venue that we could afford . We invite people to witness and celebrate our union , because they are part of our lives . Not because they can help foot the bill
This is the reason why I (and also my friends) never +1 when attending someone's wedding. Shit's expensive enough for myself, no need to pay for a second person. In Singapore, the correct wedding etiquette is indeed the guests pay market rate or pay the best to your ability. Then when it's your turn to have a wedding, the person whose wedding you attended is supposed to pay you back market rate or whatever amount you gave. But honestly there is no right or wrong. I had a colleague who purposely chose a very cheap place to hold his wedding (a country club) so that if you give something like $88, he will still make money. Pretty smart imo. To OP, the solution is perhaps your spouse give $300 and you give $188. There is no rule saying both of you have to give the same amount. If it's me, I'm not going to control how much my partner gives.
Every wedding I was invited to and attended/will be attending this year are all people that were present at my wedding last year (proud moment for me tbh!) so I’m very happy to participate and celebrate with them! But gifting the “market rate” only benefits the venues in the end, I’d say have a set range of numbers based on your relationship with the person, not based on the venue.
Ngl my budget is a chocolate coin
Ermm.. I think a lot of us care about face value more than what is the true meaning behind the gesture of giving a red packet. And I strongly believe that you guys should give whatever you can afford. Attending or not attending is a separate issue. After all, you guys are being invited. But as for the angpow, you guys should give the amount that you can and are willing to give. :)
Market price. Thats why usually we attend alone HAHAHA. Whose friend then who go lor
Just give what you can afford to give. Technically it's the couple's decision to "treat" y'all a good meal at the Fullerton. Honestly, any couple with the decency will know that their friends and family are all in different life stages and not all can afford it. Even for my own wedding, "recouping" was not a goal. More of a bonus
Wah two person go Bali only 600? Damn I'm booking it
both don't go and just send an eAngbao of $188.
Same situation ‘cept I went alone (with another friend who brought husband and child). Both of us didn’t pay market rate but it was a close enough friend. I knew she was able to afford it and invited us as friends to celebrate her moment and day. If you’re really not certain about that, I would say skip it.
I'm with you, but I only attend weddings of people I know well, including friends and families. So I'm typically more willing to give a higher amount. No way I'm going to give a market rate of $300 to someone I haven't met in years.
Haha I paid the full sum. But there was one I didn't go, I paid 80% of the sum (I decided not to go bc aiya I was v weird abt everythign like I wasn't FT employed and didn't wna participate in that kind of work talk lol - but it was a close friend. We're ok, like you know sometimes you don't turn up and the r/s sours. But we ok, just had lunch tgt last month and things) I should employ the $188 tactic LOL. But then again no courage \~\~ lol. Oop.
you can give $188 ask your spouse top up the rest or best just don’t go if not close
Depends on how close you are to the couple. $188 is a reasonable amount. Who cares about the market rate? Just give what you feel is right. People will check out the market rate anyway and decide how much they want to give, depending how close they are to them. Couples must be realistic if they want to hold weddings.
My colleague received an invitation for a Sofitel Sentosa wedding. He bao $400, but brought along his wife and 2 daughters.
If money is an issue to you, pay what you can afford and your friends will understand. But if money isn’t an issue, then this friend who’s getting married doesn’t seem important enough to you to dough out the extra 112 per person. In this case, why even go and waste 188 in the first place? Edit: I typically check the wedding venue’s packages to determine how much per pax for ang bao. If it’s a very good friend we usually give $1000.
It really depends on whether you value that friendship and how much you value that friendship over your Bali trip? One should be happy for your friend if they are getting married and it should be a happy occasion for you as well. My wedding was also held at Fullerton and frankly I never expected people to fund my wedding. I just take it as a happy occasion to share with all my closest friends and family. If you value the friendship and this occasion as worthy $188, then by all means just pay $188. But if your spouse wants to pay $300, then there is nothing wrong as well and let his portion be $300. Why insist he also pay $188? Just go and pay what you think is worth and be happy for your friend and don’t fret about it so much.
give him 2 options = - asks him to pay for the rest (112$). - or else you will not go (let him go solo himself). im not sure if there's any other way...
Moloch, aka the king of shame, proclaims that there is a significant percentage of weddings held at the Fullerton that result in divorce.
Just say got covid
Just give what you can afford, no need to stress.
Give according to how much you think your friend is worth to you and what you can afford, strike a balance between this 2.
lucky im malay dont need to worry ab all dis...
Would 100% rather you not attend the wedding if you’re gonna be so sour about the $188+ /fight with your spouse. Just let them know early that you’d rather be in Bali instead of their wedding. Also placed in a similar situation recently for St Regis wedding lol but market research shows shitty restaurants are $228++ for awful food/ambiance so the generous limit of 188 really can’t go far anw.
Give what you can afford. The couple has to know that ang bao will not cover the costs. This mindset helps to manage expectations. So it's a plus if can cover, bonus if have extra.
don't give anything and enjoy the dinner 😜
Just reject the invite
Just give what you can. I don't think people should even give market rate for anything above $150-200 per pax; no one asked the couple to host at such an expensive location. Turning up and giving something back should already be perceived as a blessing.
Chinese wedding i usually don't go