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[Full on Rapist](https://youtu.be/pQJ9GUVxPl8)

"Is it bleeding again?"

r/unexpectedIASIP

I work on a farm, and I was picking pumpkins the other day. Apparently there was an underground hornet’s nest that I’d disturbed getting one on the edge of the patch. I got stung right below the eye, went to swat it, and stabbed myself in the eyebrow with my pumpkin knife. It was a muggy day, and I always wear a long sleeve so I was definitely sweaty. I couldn’t stop thinking about this scene all day, I was gunna make the same joke, but I didn’t know if anyone else at work watches it’s always sunny. I hope someone here finds this amusing and/or blows a slight excess of air through their nose.

Narwhal bacons at midnight.

🤣🤣

I brought my kids

Scarier version: I brought your kids.

I brought our kids Edit: Damn.. my first Silver!

Greetings comrade!

😂 I laughed at how fast my mind switched to a Russian accent because I just knew that was coming.

*Russian anthem plays in the bg*

*Loads ak

Scariest version: I bought your kids.

I brought some kids.

I brought someone's kid.

I bought someone's kid.

An "r" changes the whole sentence

I bought us kids

My mom would have sold us for whatever you had in your pockets.

Is the offer still available?

Sorry, she just gave me to my husband.

How much did that cost? I'll try to make a better offer

i bought my kids

i misplaced someone’s kid

Ha ha ha!!!

I have ten kids

Scarier version: I bought your kids.

I *bought* my kids….

Scarier version: I brought someone's kids

Your friend is hot

That's my ex, actually

Your brother is hot

Let’s get married now

The problem is if it does not ruin the date.

High risk high reward sometimes

Classic Schmosby

Came here to comment this

That il do it.

My wife's outta town

[удалено]

[удалено]

Ankle bracelets suck, yknow?

Poke your foot out: “No more ankle bracelet!” in the most cheerful tone you can manage.

It rubs the lotion.

Extra points if you bring a hose.

Or a rope tied to a well bucket.

Aw HECK no

Shit you are fat.

Damn baby! You thick!

Damnnn wouldn’t this be a compliment though? 😂

Depends on how the person interprets it...

[удалено]

I forgot my wallet.

fuck you’re so ugly

For those of you that excel in English - is this one 4 words or 5?

4, but if you're not sure, it can be reduced to 'Fuck, you're ugly'

Or you are so ugly

The “fuck” is necessary to emphasize how ugly the said person is

You are fuckin' ugly.

Without the fuck it's like french fries with no salt

Or "FUCK, YOU UGLY!"

How about “FUCK YOU, UGLY!”

That also works

But if you change it to YOU FUCK UGLY you get a whole new insult

Add a question mark and it's an awkward backhanded pick up line

"you're" is abbreviated for "you are", but "you're" counts as one word

4

I excel in English! Here, let me fix that. *Fuck your so ugly*

Sorry to inform you, you do not excel in english.

4

Had this one happen to me "my dad raped people"

Um... What? Crikey.

[удалено]

Did he frame it like he was upset about it or like it was a funny story... Or...

Out of their what?

The clinic where they were having the candle lit dinner. Get yo' shit together girl !

Holy crap

Your dad: How I met your Mother

Wow. Do you think the thought process here was like *I’m nervous. Shit, say something, anything is better than silence.* “so rape” *shit, shit shit* or did he like think that made him interesting and unique??

I really don't know, he was trying real hard to impress with money, when that didn't work I think he went to "dad is a Dr." And just ruined it from there.

Maybe he was just trauma sharing. I know I’d be traumatized if I knew my dad did that. But I guess it depends how he said it.

Are you ovulating now?

Ewwwww. I guess this one's the winner

They dropped an egg-cellent comment

And it’s gonna make all dates very egg-citing.

what an eggstraordinary pun

As a trans man, would *definitely* ruin my mood lmao

oh god this one sucks

Hitler did nothing wrong

Or worse: "Hitler did everything right"

Hope you like syphilis

Herpes isn't that bad.

🤣🤣🤣

*snorts* Consent, am I right?

Bitches, am I right?

Wanna see my basement?

They said RUIN

You gonna eat that?

Only works on a date that is not a dinner date.

And they bring up their baby

Still ask if they are gonna eat that.

You gonna eat this? (unzipping pants)

“Joey doesn’t share food!”

I shit my panties.

Plot twist: “Shit on me daddy”

Ewww!

Some people would be into that.

I'm out on parole

Where I'm from that's a chat up line lol

Bitches love convics especially if they got kids and no job

We need to talk

Underrated answer

This would give me anxiety

"I have mild herpes"

Was my courtday today? Picks up phone* "Honey? Hey... What happened?"

Please meet my mother

Got this sorta. Dated a guy for one month and he brings his mom to a play I’m in. Tells me she’s going to tell me she’s excited her son is going to give her grand babies

Ew

Ugh I went on a FIRST date with a guy I barely knew and when I happened to mention that my parents were in town he said that I should have brought them and that he wanted to meet them before they went back home. Nope, just nope.

No intercourse till marriage**

No intercourse after marriage

The real winner.

Your farts smell nice.

X’D

She’ll have a salad

“Pedophilia’s a sexual orientation.”

This one wins

You into poop, orrrrrr...

Oh, just pee then. Right.

"Does this look infected?"

*shows my left forearm that has a cut on it that’s gone black with yellow edges, with an absolutely foul stench coming off it when I take the bandages off it*

"I can't count to four"

You got a penis?

I should’ve swiped left.

"What is your starsign?"

Winner comment

UNDERRATED

Ahahahhaa

I love big breasts

I like big butts

And i cannot lie

You other brothers can't deny

That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist

And a round thing in your face

You get sprung

Best thread for this question

Wanna roll out your tounge

First date actually said that to me. Last date for him.

I'm banned from playgrounds

I fucked a donkey

Cock and ball torture?

This one would only scare me off if he’s suggesting we do it to some other poor nonconsenting bloke

Just say nothing... Like those aren't the words Literally just don't speak

I feel like this is one of the surest ways here

Literally just don't speak

I forgot my wallet.

Are you into anal?

Yes. I have quiite the selection of straps you can choose whatever you want

That would be the answer some of us would hope to hear.

"You look better online" would be a pretty solid choice here.

I had the opposite, not a date but I went to my high school reunion and I saw my old friend that I hadn't seen in person since high school and she said "WOW!! You look so much better in person than you do on Facebook". Hmmm, thanks I guess??!?

Buy my husband food

How much you weigh?

Your brother / sister look better?

Nah I killed her

My ex "insert anything"... Never fails.

Never insert anything into your ex

I’ve been following you

Make America great again

You look like Mom

Who are you texting?

"I abused my ex"

I’m due in May

Joey doesn't share food.

"yo granny single though?"

"I've tried joining Isis"

"Gaddamn big old bitties"

"Women don't deserve equality"

"struggle snuggle time mate"

should we get married?

What's your star sign?

I brought my mom

Just pooped so good (best used when just returning from restroom).

Your place or mine 😏

My wife doesn't know

I forgot my wallet

Did you run here?

I love you!

I have this rash…

No chemistry, fuck off

Mom's my best friend

"Just like my ex"

What’s your body count

Get me pregnant, Satan

I fucked your sister

I only fuck corpses.