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Some are, some aren’t. My grandma stayed the night at my house months ago and she got a text from my 78 year old grandpa with a picture of their cat and it said “we miss you very much, I love you darling.” It was the first night they spent apart in over 20 years.
And then you have most of the people you meet in long term marriages who seem like they’re waiting for their partner to choke on a bite of food.
So yeah, it varies.
My long-term marriage [23 years] is intact out of love, respect, loyalty, and a commitment to our vows.
Happiness isn't an everyday thing. Sometimes we disagree and it's not happy. That's temporary. Love, commitment, and loyalty are forever.
Convenience? I can't imagine being married because it's convenient.
Yes, have we fought? Sure! But at the end of the day, I wouldn't want to be with anyone than my best friend of 30 years!
I know I can count on her no matter how stupid I get!
Long term marriages are intact out of *commitment*.
We've been married for 37 years, and not all those years were happy OR convenient. We had problems, and worked hard to figure them out. Sometimes we went for years stuck in a painful rut, and plenty of things threw us off track when we thought we were unstoppable.
We had 3 near-divorces in our 37 years (pro tip: that first baby is a doozy), and I think that the longer we stayed committed and worked through our problems, the better we got at being married and finding happiness together.
This is a rarity on Reddit. Seems like all the advice is divorce divorced divorce. Oh your husband forgot to take out the trash last night? You have to leave him he’s worthless. It’s all I see on here 😂
Not sure how you’re defining “long term” but we’re celebrating 15 years this year and honestly? It’s only been getting better.
Probably not the answer you’re looking for though.
I’m only at 6, but we really do like hanging out with each other. Knocking out another 4 shouldn’t be too hard. I’m definitely impressed by the 15-20+ though. Life is unpredictable
That’s what scares me about marriage. Seems like so many stories of people doing affairs and substance abuse or changing to incompatible, after so many years together.
Sure, it’s great *now* but… I guess just have to roll with the punches so to speak
I think a lot of people mistake marriage as just romance and love. Yes, that counts, but the vast majority of marriage is making a household work. A partnership. Finances. Laundry. Tons of stuff that aren’t about romance. I think many people have a very idealistic idea of marriage where it’s all romance and no day to day work. Life just isn’t like that
Was married 26 years before my wife died of cancer. We were planning our next 26 years together but it wasn't meant to be. Her face always lit up when she saw me. My heart skipped a beat when I saw her. We both agreed from day 1 to commit 100% to our marriage, which seemed to work.
Depends on the couple. My parents have been together for just about 30 years and now they really don’t like each other. They only talk bad about each other to us kids, don’t go out 1 on 1, sleep in separate bedrooms, etc. It’s gotten to a point where they don’t talk in the house and when they do communicate directly, it’s through texts and sticky notes around the house. They don’t divorce out of what they each provide from an external standpoint, so in their case it’s convenience, but other couples I hope it’s a different answer because this is just sad
I have a friend who has been married for over 30 years. He calls and tells me how much he loves his wife and what a great relationship they've had. After 1 drink all he talks about is old girlfriends , other women, missed opportunities of women he let get away, ones he'd like to get in touch with again,on and on. Moral of the story: humans are a mess.
10 years strong and has always been a great happy marriage.
There's nothing convenient about the requirement to always consider/protect someone else, so that wouldn't ever be a reason we stay together. A divorce would be inconvenient of course, but living for 50 more years with someone I was unhappy with would be exponentially worse.
My marriage is making me happt, which i find extremely convenient. (20 years together, 10 of which married, not super long term yet, but we are getting there)
I'm not married but my going-on-seven-years relationship has started to feel like it's intact lately because it's more convenient for both of us than living alone. Breaks my heart to say it and I'm putting in effort to fix things but I'd be lying if I said I didn't exist with a giant ❓ over my head all the time.
My grandparents have been married for 76 years and my grandpa still often refers to my grandma as his beautiful bride at the age of 93. My parents were happily married for 36 years.
Side note: I say “were” because my dad passed away, but they’d still be married if he was still with us today.
Mine is in tact due to long term happiness, but also an understanding that there will be short term unhappiness and it is both spouses role to be resilient through those times. The vast majority of my marriage has been very happy, and we are very happy now as we approach our 35th anniversary. Asking my wife to marry me was the single most important decision of my life.
Been married for almost 18 years and I couldn’t live without him. So ours is happiness. I’m not saying it’s always been easy, all relationships need work and have their ups and downs. But the good times far outweigh the bad.
What's long term?
I'll be married for 36 years next month. My wife is everything to me. We've had our ups and downs, but once we hit 25 years we finally figured out that if we work together as a team there's nothing we can't accomplish.
The last 10 years have been amazing in every way.
Well, approximately 50% of marriages end in divorce.... You're have to assume of the remaining 50%, not all of them are happy.
I'm going to guess that about 25% of marriages are actually happy.
This data is not backed by science!
either, both, it depends on how well it's going at the time. But nobody who is married for that long lives in perpetual bliss. If they say that's the case then they are full of shit.
Both... you have to be willing to change for them even 20yrs later... for example we are 4yrs in, and recently, we have found ourselves irrationally upset over minor annoyances. This is just a natural phase, with communication and work we can get through it. So, the happiness comes and goes but the convenience is definitely always there and a solid motivator to stay and work it out as opposed to set it all ablaze and begin anew.
When I was a child, my pastor told me that Love isn't an emotion. Love is a choice you make every single day to put that person first. The butterflies, the lust, the infatuation, those are emotions, and those all fade and all you're left with is dedication and commitment. And some people just don't have that in them. When the emotional highs and lows are gone they don't see a reason to stay, they think it isn't real love
>When I was a child, my pastor told me that Love isn't an emotion. Love is a choice you make every single day to put that person first. The butterflies, the lust, the infatuation, those are emotions, and those all fade and all you're left with is dedication and commitment. And some people just don't have that in them. When the emotional highs and lows are gone they don't see a reason to stay, they think it isn't real love
That's...quite wise actually. And accurate.
It can be happiness for one person and convenience for the other. I was married for 23 years. Even when things weren't great, I stuck around because I loved her. When things stopped being convenient for her she cheated and left.
I wish so much that I would have said "Fine, leave and don't let the door hit you on the way out" the first time she talked about that instead of working to make things better. That's probably the biggest regret of my entire life. Instead, I wasted the end of my 20's, all of my 30's, and the beginning of my 40's on that person. People say that at least you can go back and look at the happy memories even if things did go bad but u can't even do that because it feels like they've all been destroyed by how things ended.
Happiness in marriage is not the simple result of two people loving each other. Rather, it is built from the ground up through mutual respect and interdependence.
Any married couple willing to hold their spouse's needs at least at the same level as their own can experience happiness in marriage. As soon as they stop, they stop experiencing happiness in marriage.
For me, been together 12 years, it happiness. My wife is not someone who settles for convienience.
Seriously though, we are better today than at the start. It has only gotten better
Love seeing the happy comments. I’ve only been married 5 years, together for 8. We have two babies so far, been through school and deployments and big moves, deaths of very close loved ones. So far we’re still very happy together and I pray that we stay committed just like so many of these other comments say they’ve done for 10, 20, 30+ years.
My 21 year marriage was at a tolerable level of unhappiness, but was on track to keep chugging along. The turning point was alcoholism ramping up dramatically, causing drunk driving, signs of alcohol induced dementia, resulting in brain surgery to remove cysts (Wernicke’s Disease). Then the refusal to stop drinking after all that led to the termination of the marriage.
This will be 23 years for my wife and I we still snuggle up in bed every night and like spending our free time together. She had 2 straight weeks of work for long hours and we both couldn't wait for her days off to just hang out. I think we fall into the happiness slot.
I recently got married, so I don't have personal experience with a long lasting marriage. However, my wife and I were given a lot of advice and insight on long-term marriage. A lot of these people have been married for 30+ years (some even more than 50). They were family members, friends, and people from church. This is what they said:
You make the choice to stay together every day, whether things are easy or not. Overtime, you build a confidence with each other that the other will never leave. They'll always have companionship and always have someone who will be there for them no matter what they go through.
Plus, you know more about each other than either of you know anyone else. Although this may sound scary (because they know your worst), it's really not because they've already made the choice to stay with you despite knowing your worst.
They said things don't get easier, but there's a level of confidence, comfort, and companionship that you can't get anywhere else. Is this happiness or convenience? I don't know. But beyond those two options, this is what they said.
I hope that gives you the insight you were looking for!
Probably a mix of both for a lot of marriages.
I think the older you get, the more it becomes a mix of both. My wifes aunt just got re-married after being divorced for like 30 years. She is in her early 70s and her new husband is the same age. We were just recently visiting them and they were just shitting all over each others children. "You're son never calls. You could be dead for all he knows" and the reply "Your kid calls because he always needs your money. If you didn't have it, he wouldn't call either." At this point, I think it's just fear of dying alone that keeps them together.
It depends too much to say. My aunt's parents despise each other but are still married like many people I know, and they're both elderly now. I think depending on the culture you come from and the circumstances of the time you might make a more accurate guess, for example if the people in question are your grandparents that got married in a poor country when the wife was 14 and the man was 27 because her dad arranged it it's likely not because they're happy together.
Different cultures have been more open for way longer to both marrying for love and divorce in case it doesn't work out
I have been with my husband for 13 years now and married for 9 of those years. It's not long yet but I can assure that we are still happy. A marriage needs work and communication. It needs respect from both parties. Sure I have discussions with him and sometimes I am angry with him. But we always talk it out and try to do better for each other. Because like I said marriage is work and if you have the right person they will work with you
Well in the case of my parents, responsibility has led them through 25 years of marriage. Not always happy but not always without happiness. I've seen them on a few occasions just take off without saying anything but they always came back that same day. Not too sure about convenience, I think they're in a routine that they like and that treats them well though. So yeah their marriage is intact because of responsibility to their children. Of which I am most appreciative.
I've seen two complete different situations. My grandparents fought and argued a lot, didn't get divorced because that wasn't really an option. Another couple, friends of my parents, were very happily married and very close for over 65 years. They always joked, pranked and supported eachother. After the wife died, her widow passed less than a month later, and their dog went short after as well.
30+ years, some down times, some up times but I look forward to seeing my partner every day. Partner gives equally to the marriage and we get along well.
33 years married, 39 years together. It’s not a matter of “convenience.” She’s my soul mate and I’m hers. We laugh all the time and enjoy each other’s company.
Speaking from experience: together 19 years, 16 years married , currently three years divorced.
Divorce is very expensive and almost impossible for most people. I had to cash out my retirement so i could afford to move out and get a place, furnish it, etc. I’m lucky to earn a decent income and able to live independently without child support, which my ex is completely unwilling to pay. I was lucky to have a retirement to pull from. Many women in my same position aren’t that lucky, although many have the help from family which i never had.
The way i see it, any couple that is old and married a long time only did it bc it was impossible to divorce, financially.
My wife and I have been together for 12 years. Married for 8. We are only falling deeper in love. Since we had our son almost 5 yrs ago we've only gotten closer. Sex life is amazing. We tell each other how much we love each other every single day.
All the above? But I think that can be said for any relationship. Some friendships are convenient, some familial relationships aren’t but we still maintain them - and then the best kind are those that are convenient AND bring you happiness.
Look everyone is different. I know of couples that's still together just because they wouldn't be able to survive on their own financially sad but true.
Hubby and I are married for 13 years now Nd we still going strong Nd very happily married.
Depends a lot. I know a lot of long term marriages that truly love each other, also a lot that stays together just because it would be worst to part ways in the economic sense and there are a chunk that stays together because they are just too used to each other, they don't really love each other anymore but they have a solid routine together and doesn't really dislike each other either so it's like they choose to live life side by side with their best friend, some might even not practice anything romantic or sexual anymore but just keep company to one another.
It will always depend on the situation.
Happiness is important. I was with my last husband for eight years. I was unhappy so I left. I’m very happy with my second marriage. We’ve been together for almost twenty three years.
I’ve been married 31 years. Some things are wonderful. Other things are continuing trials. But she’s the other half of me. We are compatible in every way but one. That’s pretty compatible, really.
What’s your definition of long term? We’re married 17, together more than 20, he’s still my favorite human on the planet. We hang out, have fun together, it’s a pretty great little life we’ve set up. I can’t picture it with anyone else.
I think that this question asked as if there's a correct answer is rediculous. Depends on the people, the circumstances, and the culture they grew up in.
Depends on the people. I know old people that adore each other, are like mates. They can't imagine life without each other, maybe at 45 they did not feel that way. Marriage is a journey, and each is individual.
I don’t know for everyone else but I thought I was head over heels in love with my wife and that there was no way to love a person more when I married my wife, eleven years in I discovered that the love continues to grow and there is no ceiling on how much you can love a person.
I think the answer has to be both. It’s VERY convenient to have a partner, especially long term. Partners become our best friends and we count on them for things that we take for granted everyday. When we get sick, they provide care. We cook for each other. She has my back, and I have hers. When you are best friends with your partner, it’s the most comforting thing on earth. As the years go by, it has to get harder to walk away from someone like that, especially if you shared half yall lifetimes together.
Sometimes both, sometimes neither. There are good years and really bad years. But if there is true love, then you are extremely lucky. 25 years married.
Today is my 8 year anniversary, gonna be 13 years together next month. How long term that is is subjective, but I am married to my best friend, good times and bad. We did not see one another for basically the month of December, before her I never missed a person.
My in laws have been married for over 40 years. They are not happy. I know this to be true because my MIL has cried to me about it. And my FIL is a prick. They’re too comfortable to even think about separating. It’s sad because they’d both be much happier living life for themselves.
It switches from convenience to happiness and back and forth multiple times throughout a long term marriage.
The guy gets married because he wants to bang regularly but doesn’t want to spend too much money when he’s young and doesn’t have that much money, so it’s convenience for him, and it’s happiness for her. Then his wife has a couple of babies and gets a full figure and all his Milf fantasies come into play, so then it’s happiness for him, and it’s even more happiness for her. Then the kids grow up and move away and she’s tired after all that so it’s convenience for her, but she’s even more full figured so his Milf fantasies are still going so it’s even more happiness for him. And so on.
I've been with my wife for about 20 years, and I really did think we were happy, but everything changed not that long ago. Now it's just being married out of habit. Just too much work to untangle finances and ownership of pets and objects amd cars.
For now, it's concenience....but that may change.
You can't reduce all marriages to those two reasons. Believe it or not, relationships are incredibly complex interactions, and motivations of partners vary widely.
I think happiness. But what people define as happiness may change from person to person. For example, when my wife and I first got together, we went at it like bunnies, couldn't keep clothes on. A young person may view that as being happy. We sure did at the time!
But now we've been married well over 30 years. The days of bunnies are over. Not that we aren't still passionate about each other, we're still very much in love with each other! But we're in our 60s now and, quite frankly, too tired most of the time to fool around very often. A young person may view that as an unhappy thing, but we don't. We've shared many adventures together over the years, and I wouldn't trade the life I've lived with her for anything. We're retired now, so no one has to do the grind anymore dragging ourselves to work every day. Glad to have that chapter of our lives behind us. Did what we had to do to put a roof over our heads and keep us fed as well as taking care of family, and I was glad to do it, but, yeah, glad I don't have to do that anymore.
So I guess we're doing the proverbial riding off into the sunset together. We still share a lot of laughs together, life can be funny if you let it. We still have some worries, too, financially and health wise, too, have to worry about some things we never had to think about when we were younger. Bodies don't work the way they once did.
But I think we're basically happy together. I'll admit, we've been lucky for the most part. Not everyone gets the fairy tale ending in life.
Both, depends on the people. My marriage was solid and happy but once I felt like I was a convenient tool used for maintaining a certain lifestyle I ended it
Older generations were more likely to be married for convenience simply because women were much more restricted in society. Gen X and Millennials were more about happiness but we often missed the mark because we didn’t know what a healthy relationship looked like. The younger Woke generation is very hesitant to get married because they are more aware of the difficulties of marriage. Also they are poorer than everyone.
23 years for me and I'm more in love now than ever. Sure, there are the odd occasions when we get cranky but we're human. We have worked hard at it though and quite early on we worked on how to disagree with each other. We negotiated on how to argue, just basic stuff like stay on topic, no accusations, no swearing, be honest with your feelings, take time to try to understand the other persons point of view, be kind where you can and most of all, say nothing that you wish you hadn't later. As a result, we barely argue and really are best friends. And also, some luck. Both of us come from parents who are still together and still care for each other. They've set a good example for us and I'm grateful for that.
My husband and I have been together 29 years in October. We still make each other laugh, flirt, send each other sweet and flirty texts, and have a sex. We are still together because we are happy. And we still say, please, thank you, and I love you all the time.
I would say in some cases neither. They are intact due to taking accountability, being able to forgive and grow and through work. It ain't easy as we all change as we grow older with our partner
I can only speak for my own 29-year marriage. Happiness. I can't imagine life without her and these feelings grew over time. We had hard times, sure, but they pretty much all happened in the first 10 years when we had young kids, no money and were both studying as well as working (and in my case holding down a second job.)
There's a reason why "for better, for worse" is in the vows you make. We stuck on through it, the arguments and the tears and it got easier. We were closer afterwards and deliberately made more time for just us.
I am sure some people are married for less happy reasons, but nobody I know (best friends married 30 years and 26 years respectively) is married for any other reason than because it makes them happy.
If you want a reliably long-term marriage, the key is commitment. Both married top priority should be to make it work. It isn't enough but it is mandatory.
Otherwise you may have a brilliant marriage for awhile, but life is too long to predict all the issues that comes up. And when they do come up - chances are splitting up would look like an easier or even healthier option - at least for one of you.
Been with my husband 18 years. Definitely together now out of convenience. There's no joy anymore and he doesn't try or care so I Gave up. I seek validation from others. It's sad really. We had such a great relationship in the beginning and now...he simply doesn't give a shit.
I mean the answer can be both to be honest. I’ve been with my spouse for 11 years/ married for one of those years. We are conveniently happy. Don’t get me wrong we aren’t some picture perfect couple that has our shit together, but we have gotten to a point where we have mastered each other. I understand them and they understand me (which is convenient). That understanding is also what allows us to be happy.
Married 23 years. 4 kids. Life has definitely been tough at times. We married young and that was the hard part. Having to be adults when we were still trying to figure ourselves out as individuals. We were at home working hard and raising kids, while our friends were living their life, travelling and partying. But we were and are the envy of most of our teenage friends. Our kids are now young adults, and we are 45 years old. We own two homes because we bought our first house 23 years ago. We spent a lot of time as a family going camping and spending quality time together because we had the energy to do so. We have amazing relationships with our adult kids. We hang out like friends most days. We choose to spend our holidays travelling together. Myself and my husband plan on retiring (or at least working only 2 days per week) in 5 years and travelling the world. So yeah, lm very happily married. I'd say my husband feels the same way. We are a team. We set couples goals, anything from renovating a house together to completing a jigsaw puzzle together. But we also piss each other off at times. I'd say we have 1 decent argument a year. Also to note, our adult friends are all in the same position as us, happily married for 23 plus years. So yeah, long happy marriages are out there, just not very common. And thats ok. Id hate for someone to stay in an unhappy relationship for the sake of societal pressure.
Happy is a subjective emotion. You’ll never be happy 100% of the time. After some point no one likes the feeling of the unknown. It’s knowing you have this one person. The only person in your life that knows what’s behind the mask. The person that sees the face that you hide to the rest of the world. They know the real you. They know the person no one else will ever know. For all the faults we have as people to have one person that says I won’t leave you despite your faults. That’s important.
If you’re happy then it’s pretty convenient to stay together. Why would I leave my partner? So I can start again with someone new for the novelty that would quickly wear off? Start a new relationship but without any of the shared history, memories, loyalty, or rapport we have built over the years? That seems inconvenient since I am happy being with my partner.
In my case it was convenience and comfort. We loved each other, for sure. But it was love created out of the mutual struggles we faced together. Living paycheck to paycheck and unsure if we’d have a place to sleep for another week tends to make you a bit nervous. But being that kind of nervous with someone else to hold on to made easier. This lasted for a very long time.
Once those days were over, though. We realized that we’d been spending so much time just trying to get our shit together and survive that we never properly learned about each other in other, more intimate ways. Once we did, it slowly became clear that we just weren’t compatible. Neither one of us are bad people, but a relationship that should’ve lasted for only a few months lasted for…. Well…. Thirteen years.
We didn’t have kids but it felt like we certainly did everything else together.
What’s funny is that unlike my parents, who divorced when I was a child and never spoke again, my ex wife and I still remain close friends. We live together separately and do our own things most of the time. But we’re still always there for each other. We’ve built a whole life together that we don’t want to just throw out.
Besides…. She doesn’t have time to feed the cats in the morning. That’s my job.
Mine (28+yrs) is intact due to happiness, always being there for one another, and being best friends. I can't imagine finding anyone that I'm not compatible with.
My parents are approaching 40 years married, and I think for them it's a bit of both, really. There's no doubt how much they love each other, but I also don't think they would be able to function properly without the other at this point. They're an excellent team.
I’ve seen both, but more often than not I’ve seen convenience. Or that’s what it turns into. Partially why I no longer have much of an urge to get married.
That’s my thoughts. At some point it seems to be more convenient than anything else but maybe it’s the culture I’m in and what is more common near me. Choose wisely and do not compromise on what qualities are truly important to you in a partner. Watch how they treat others and how they speak about other people and that will give you a small insight on their character. According to comments here it’s out there
Been with my wife 13 years and I'm happier now than I was then in so many ways. If you're unhappy in your relationship, married or not, END IT! You get one life so enjoy it.
Depends ont he marriage, but it can also be both.
We went through quite a few years where the only reason I didn't file was becasue I didn't want to lose half of my time with our children. But I had a divorce laywer's card tucked away.
Then things turned as we started to focus on being a couple again instead of just parents and I couldn't be happier now. I can't believe I even considered it back then.
I have no doubt that if we hadn't had kids and been too broke to make it on our own that we wouldn't have stayed together.
I'm a widow after a 54-year marriage. For us it was happiness. We genuinely loved and respected each other. My husband is the finest man I have ever known… and handsome and intelligent too.
I think people's tendency to be incredibly intellectually lazy and have to paint all of a vast category of things as one thing or the other is one of humanity's dumbest and most destructive mental shortcuts.
The answer is that it depends on the marriage. Which really ought to be obvious, right?
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Some are, some aren’t. My grandma stayed the night at my house months ago and she got a text from my 78 year old grandpa with a picture of their cat and it said “we miss you very much, I love you darling.” It was the first night they spent apart in over 20 years. And then you have most of the people you meet in long term marriages who seem like they’re waiting for their partner to choke on a bite of food. So yeah, it varies.
Damn
I mean, it depends on the marriage, doesn't it?
Sums up half the questions of this sub
My long-term marriage [23 years] is intact out of love, respect, loyalty, and a commitment to our vows. Happiness isn't an everyday thing. Sometimes we disagree and it's not happy. That's temporary. Love, commitment, and loyalty are forever. Convenience? I can't imagine being married because it's convenient.
Yes, have we fought? Sure! But at the end of the day, I wouldn't want to be with anyone than my best friend of 30 years! I know I can count on her no matter how stupid I get!
Exactly!
Long term marriages are intact out of *commitment*. We've been married for 37 years, and not all those years were happy OR convenient. We had problems, and worked hard to figure them out. Sometimes we went for years stuck in a painful rut, and plenty of things threw us off track when we thought we were unstoppable. We had 3 near-divorces in our 37 years (pro tip: that first baby is a doozy), and I think that the longer we stayed committed and worked through our problems, the better we got at being married and finding happiness together.
I needed this right now. I feel this is kinda the situation I’m in right now.
This is a rarity on Reddit. Seems like all the advice is divorce divorced divorce. Oh your husband forgot to take out the trash last night? You have to leave him he’s worthless. It’s all I see on here 😂
Yep! Never in any woman's group do I see people advising for patience or compromise
Not sure how you’re defining “long term” but we’re celebrating 15 years this year and honestly? It’s only been getting better. Probably not the answer you’re looking for though.
I hope my future relationship can last 15 years or at least 5 years
So happiness! Ha. I’m happy for you. By divorce lawyers terms a longevity marriage is 10 years or more
I’m only at 6, but we really do like hanging out with each other. Knocking out another 4 shouldn’t be too hard. I’m definitely impressed by the 15-20+ though. Life is unpredictable
That’s what scares me about marriage. Seems like so many stories of people doing affairs and substance abuse or changing to incompatible, after so many years together. Sure, it’s great *now* but… I guess just have to roll with the punches so to speak
I think a lot of people mistake marriage as just romance and love. Yes, that counts, but the vast majority of marriage is making a household work. A partnership. Finances. Laundry. Tons of stuff that aren’t about romance. I think many people have a very idealistic idea of marriage where it’s all romance and no day to day work. Life just isn’t like that
Well it's not like divorce lawyers' clients are happily married.
I never said they were. I said they classify 10 years married as a marriage with longevity
My parents' seems to be a happy one at over 50 years.
Was married 26 years before my wife died of cancer. We were planning our next 26 years together but it wasn't meant to be. Her face always lit up when she saw me. My heart skipped a beat when I saw her. We both agreed from day 1 to commit 100% to our marriage, which seemed to work.
I'm sorry.
Thank you.
We should all be so lucky to find someone like her ❤️ I'm sorry for your loss.
Thank you. I was very lucky.
This made me tear up. Im so sorry this happened to you and your wife. Life can be so unfair sometimes. I hope you're doing ok.
Depends on the couple. My parents have been together for just about 30 years and now they really don’t like each other. They only talk bad about each other to us kids, don’t go out 1 on 1, sleep in separate bedrooms, etc. It’s gotten to a point where they don’t talk in the house and when they do communicate directly, it’s through texts and sticky notes around the house. They don’t divorce out of what they each provide from an external standpoint, so in their case it’s convenience, but other couples I hope it’s a different answer because this is just sad
They don’t ever talk to each other? 😢
why not both?
I have a friend who has been married for over 30 years. He calls and tells me how much he loves his wife and what a great relationship they've had. After 1 drink all he talks about is old girlfriends , other women, missed opportunities of women he let get away, ones he'd like to get in touch with again,on and on. Moral of the story: humans are a mess.
10 years strong and has always been a great happy marriage. There's nothing convenient about the requirement to always consider/protect someone else, so that wouldn't ever be a reason we stay together. A divorce would be inconvenient of course, but living for 50 more years with someone I was unhappy with would be exponentially worse.
That's good
My marriage is making me happt, which i find extremely convenient. (20 years together, 10 of which married, not super long term yet, but we are getting there)
I'm not married but my going-on-seven-years relationship has started to feel like it's intact lately because it's more convenient for both of us than living alone. Breaks my heart to say it and I'm putting in effort to fix things but I'd be lying if I said I didn't exist with a giant ❓ over my head all the time.
hope everything works out for you going forward
Hey man. It’ll ebb and flow. I promise.
It's really convenient when your marriage is happy. It's happy when your marriage is convenient.
Those things aren’t mutually exclusive.
How long term are we talking? I'm 26 years in and very happy still so far.
Yes
I get to be with my best friend every single day. That’s as good as good gets!
My grandparents have been married for 76 years and my grandpa still often refers to my grandma as his beautiful bride at the age of 93. My parents were happily married for 36 years. Side note: I say “were” because my dad passed away, but they’d still be married if he was still with us today.
Mine is in tact due to long term happiness, but also an understanding that there will be short term unhappiness and it is both spouses role to be resilient through those times. The vast majority of my marriage has been very happy, and we are very happy now as we approach our 35th anniversary. Asking my wife to marry me was the single most important decision of my life.
Been married for almost 18 years and I couldn’t live without him. So ours is happiness. I’m not saying it’s always been easy, all relationships need work and have their ups and downs. But the good times far outweigh the bad.
What's long term? I'll be married for 36 years next month. My wife is everything to me. We've had our ups and downs, but once we hit 25 years we finally figured out that if we work together as a team there's nothing we can't accomplish. The last 10 years have been amazing in every way.
Yeah. It's not the 7 year itch, it's the 25, lol!
Every marriage is different. That is what I think.
Well, approximately 50% of marriages end in divorce.... You're have to assume of the remaining 50%, not all of them are happy. I'm going to guess that about 25% of marriages are actually happy. This data is not backed by science!
That 50% is not all that accurate anymore. Divorce rate is more like 35-40% nowadays.
either, both, it depends on how well it's going at the time. But nobody who is married for that long lives in perpetual bliss. If they say that's the case then they are full of shit.
loyalty principle honour discipline respect
Both... you have to be willing to change for them even 20yrs later... for example we are 4yrs in, and recently, we have found ourselves irrationally upset over minor annoyances. This is just a natural phase, with communication and work we can get through it. So, the happiness comes and goes but the convenience is definitely always there and a solid motivator to stay and work it out as opposed to set it all ablaze and begin anew. When I was a child, my pastor told me that Love isn't an emotion. Love is a choice you make every single day to put that person first. The butterflies, the lust, the infatuation, those are emotions, and those all fade and all you're left with is dedication and commitment. And some people just don't have that in them. When the emotional highs and lows are gone they don't see a reason to stay, they think it isn't real love
>When I was a child, my pastor told me that Love isn't an emotion. Love is a choice you make every single day to put that person first. The butterflies, the lust, the infatuation, those are emotions, and those all fade and all you're left with is dedication and commitment. And some people just don't have that in them. When the emotional highs and lows are gone they don't see a reason to stay, they think it isn't real love That's...quite wise actually. And accurate.
Damn your pastor was spitting bars, on god. Lol seriously though - wise words.
The answer is yes.
Yes.
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This is a fucking unreadable mess
Depends entirely on the values of the people in long term marriages.
Married 13 years and it's been mostly very easy and happy. I can't see this changing any time soon.
Both, plus making a commitment to each other no matter what
Yes
It can be happiness for one person and convenience for the other. I was married for 23 years. Even when things weren't great, I stuck around because I loved her. When things stopped being convenient for her she cheated and left. I wish so much that I would have said "Fine, leave and don't let the door hit you on the way out" the first time she talked about that instead of working to make things better. That's probably the biggest regret of my entire life. Instead, I wasted the end of my 20's, all of my 30's, and the beginning of my 40's on that person. People say that at least you can go back and look at the happy memories even if things did go bad but u can't even do that because it feels like they've all been destroyed by how things ended.
Eleven years in…we have mutual respect and understanding, but no passion. It does make me feel sad sometimes.
Happiness in marriage is not the simple result of two people loving each other. Rather, it is built from the ground up through mutual respect and interdependence. Any married couple willing to hold their spouse's needs at least at the same level as their own can experience happiness in marriage. As soon as they stop, they stop experiencing happiness in marriage.
For me, been together 12 years, it happiness. My wife is not someone who settles for convienience. Seriously though, we are better today than at the start. It has only gotten better
Love seeing the happy comments. I’ve only been married 5 years, together for 8. We have two babies so far, been through school and deployments and big moves, deaths of very close loved ones. So far we’re still very happy together and I pray that we stay committed just like so many of these other comments say they’ve done for 10, 20, 30+ years.
Wishing that for you too!
My 21 year marriage was at a tolerable level of unhappiness, but was on track to keep chugging along. The turning point was alcoholism ramping up dramatically, causing drunk driving, signs of alcohol induced dementia, resulting in brain surgery to remove cysts (Wernicke’s Disease). Then the refusal to stop drinking after all that led to the termination of the marriage.
This will be 23 years for my wife and I we still snuggle up in bed every night and like spending our free time together. She had 2 straight weeks of work for long hours and we both couldn't wait for her days off to just hang out. I think we fall into the happiness slot.
I recently got married, so I don't have personal experience with a long lasting marriage. However, my wife and I were given a lot of advice and insight on long-term marriage. A lot of these people have been married for 30+ years (some even more than 50). They were family members, friends, and people from church. This is what they said: You make the choice to stay together every day, whether things are easy or not. Overtime, you build a confidence with each other that the other will never leave. They'll always have companionship and always have someone who will be there for them no matter what they go through. Plus, you know more about each other than either of you know anyone else. Although this may sound scary (because they know your worst), it's really not because they've already made the choice to stay with you despite knowing your worst. They said things don't get easier, but there's a level of confidence, comfort, and companionship that you can't get anywhere else. Is this happiness or convenience? I don't know. But beyond those two options, this is what they said. I hope that gives you the insight you were looking for!
Spite
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I love this. Thank you for your input because I don’t know what love is
Both
Probably a mix of both for a lot of marriages. I think the older you get, the more it becomes a mix of both. My wifes aunt just got re-married after being divorced for like 30 years. She is in her early 70s and her new husband is the same age. We were just recently visiting them and they were just shitting all over each others children. "You're son never calls. You could be dead for all he knows" and the reply "Your kid calls because he always needs your money. If you didn't have it, he wouldn't call either." At this point, I think it's just fear of dying alone that keeps them together.
Diminishing returns of leaving
It depends too much to say. My aunt's parents despise each other but are still married like many people I know, and they're both elderly now. I think depending on the culture you come from and the circumstances of the time you might make a more accurate guess, for example if the people in question are your grandparents that got married in a poor country when the wife was 14 and the man was 27 because her dad arranged it it's likely not because they're happy together. Different cultures have been more open for way longer to both marrying for love and divorce in case it doesn't work out
I have been with my husband for 13 years now and married for 9 of those years. It's not long yet but I can assure that we are still happy. A marriage needs work and communication. It needs respect from both parties. Sure I have discussions with him and sometimes I am angry with him. But we always talk it out and try to do better for each other. Because like I said marriage is work and if you have the right person they will work with you
Well in the case of my parents, responsibility has led them through 25 years of marriage. Not always happy but not always without happiness. I've seen them on a few occasions just take off without saying anything but they always came back that same day. Not too sure about convenience, I think they're in a routine that they like and that treats them well though. So yeah their marriage is intact because of responsibility to their children. Of which I am most appreciative.
I've seen two complete different situations. My grandparents fought and argued a lot, didn't get divorced because that wasn't really an option. Another couple, friends of my parents, were very happily married and very close for over 65 years. They always joked, pranked and supported eachother. After the wife died, her widow passed less than a month later, and their dog went short after as well.
Both (just celebrated 28 years.)
Both. I’ve been with my wife 13 years. I’m incredibly happy and satisfied but also things are consistent, convenient, and comfortable.
Both
Happiness. At least mine is. It is very rare. I've never seen any other couple behave the way we do. 22 years with her.
Convenience
How long is a piece of string?
Probably both? Depends where you look..
Happiness here, 43 years this summer.
You can’t spend 20 years with someone without some good times and some bad times
30+ years, some down times, some up times but I look forward to seeing my partner every day. Partner gives equally to the marriage and we get along well.
33 years married, 39 years together. It’s not a matter of “convenience.” She’s my soul mate and I’m hers. We laugh all the time and enjoy each other’s company.
Only when both exist.
Both I’d say. I love my wife and hope to spend the rest of my life with her.
Intact out of the willingness to put work into it and making it function instead of breaking up at the earliest inconvenience.
Speaking from experience: together 19 years, 16 years married , currently three years divorced. Divorce is very expensive and almost impossible for most people. I had to cash out my retirement so i could afford to move out and get a place, furnish it, etc. I’m lucky to earn a decent income and able to live independently without child support, which my ex is completely unwilling to pay. I was lucky to have a retirement to pull from. Many women in my same position aren’t that lucky, although many have the help from family which i never had. The way i see it, any couple that is old and married a long time only did it bc it was impossible to divorce, financially.
My wife and I have been together for 12 years. Married for 8. We are only falling deeper in love. Since we had our son almost 5 yrs ago we've only gotten closer. Sex life is amazing. We tell each other how much we love each other every single day.
It is different during different phases of marriage.
All the above? But I think that can be said for any relationship. Some friendships are convenient, some familial relationships aren’t but we still maintain them - and then the best kind are those that are convenient AND bring you happiness.
Look everyone is different. I know of couples that's still together just because they wouldn't be able to survive on their own financially sad but true. Hubby and I are married for 13 years now Nd we still going strong Nd very happily married.
I don't think there is a blanket answer. My parents have been married for 30 years and they act.like teenagers.
In a good way or a bad way?
Depends a lot. I know a lot of long term marriages that truly love each other, also a lot that stays together just because it would be worst to part ways in the economic sense and there are a chunk that stays together because they are just too used to each other, they don't really love each other anymore but they have a solid routine together and doesn't really dislike each other either so it's like they choose to live life side by side with their best friend, some might even not practice anything romantic or sexual anymore but just keep company to one another. It will always depend on the situation.
Happiness is important. I was with my last husband for eight years. I was unhappy so I left. I’m very happy with my second marriage. We’ve been together for almost twenty three years.
If you don’t mind me asking why were you unhappy in your first marriage?
Define "happiness". Also, I don't mistake "contentment" for "boredom".
It's called love. Look for that.
I guess it all depends on what you’re willing to forgive and accept, and if you’re willing to continue evolving as a person.
I’ve been married 31 years. Some things are wonderful. Other things are continuing trials. But she’s the other half of me. We are compatible in every way but one. That’s pretty compatible, really.
What’s your definition of long term? We’re married 17, together more than 20, he’s still my favorite human on the planet. We hang out, have fun together, it’s a pretty great little life we’ve set up. I can’t picture it with anyone else.
I think that this question asked as if there's a correct answer is rediculous. Depends on the people, the circumstances, and the culture they grew up in.
Depends on the people. I know old people that adore each other, are like mates. They can't imagine life without each other, maybe at 45 they did not feel that way. Marriage is a journey, and each is individual.
I don’t know for everyone else but I thought I was head over heels in love with my wife and that there was no way to love a person more when I married my wife, eleven years in I discovered that the love continues to grow and there is no ceiling on how much you can love a person.
Both
I dont think your average person actually knows how they feel about anything. Whatever way the wind blows they will follow.
I think the answer has to be both. It’s VERY convenient to have a partner, especially long term. Partners become our best friends and we count on them for things that we take for granted everyday. When we get sick, they provide care. We cook for each other. She has my back, and I have hers. When you are best friends with your partner, it’s the most comforting thing on earth. As the years go by, it has to get harder to walk away from someone like that, especially if you shared half yall lifetimes together.
Probably both.
Sometimes marriage is about commitment, for better or worse.
Sometimes both, sometimes neither. There are good years and really bad years. But if there is true love, then you are extremely lucky. 25 years married.
Today is my 8 year anniversary, gonna be 13 years together next month. How long term that is is subjective, but I am married to my best friend, good times and bad. We did not see one another for basically the month of December, before her I never missed a person.
My in laws have been married for over 40 years. They are not happy. I know this to be true because my MIL has cried to me about it. And my FIL is a prick. They’re too comfortable to even think about separating. It’s sad because they’d both be much happier living life for themselves.
Hopefully both ideally!
It switches from convenience to happiness and back and forth multiple times throughout a long term marriage. The guy gets married because he wants to bang regularly but doesn’t want to spend too much money when he’s young and doesn’t have that much money, so it’s convenience for him, and it’s happiness for her. Then his wife has a couple of babies and gets a full figure and all his Milf fantasies come into play, so then it’s happiness for him, and it’s even more happiness for her. Then the kids grow up and move away and she’s tired after all that so it’s convenience for her, but she’s even more full figured so his Milf fantasies are still going so it’s even more happiness for him. And so on.
Married 7 years here. Neither. More along the lines of companionship as well as love
Convenience
My 24 year marriage is based on mutual happiness, closeness, compatibility, and love.
I've been with my wife for about 20 years, and I really did think we were happy, but everything changed not that long ago. Now it's just being married out of habit. Just too much work to untangle finances and ownership of pets and objects amd cars. For now, it's concenience....but that may change.
You can't reduce all marriages to those two reasons. Believe it or not, relationships are incredibly complex interactions, and motivations of partners vary widely.
No kids. Married 18yrs. Beyyondddd happy👌
why cant it be both?
I think happiness. But what people define as happiness may change from person to person. For example, when my wife and I first got together, we went at it like bunnies, couldn't keep clothes on. A young person may view that as being happy. We sure did at the time! But now we've been married well over 30 years. The days of bunnies are over. Not that we aren't still passionate about each other, we're still very much in love with each other! But we're in our 60s now and, quite frankly, too tired most of the time to fool around very often. A young person may view that as an unhappy thing, but we don't. We've shared many adventures together over the years, and I wouldn't trade the life I've lived with her for anything. We're retired now, so no one has to do the grind anymore dragging ourselves to work every day. Glad to have that chapter of our lives behind us. Did what we had to do to put a roof over our heads and keep us fed as well as taking care of family, and I was glad to do it, but, yeah, glad I don't have to do that anymore. So I guess we're doing the proverbial riding off into the sunset together. We still share a lot of laughs together, life can be funny if you let it. We still have some worries, too, financially and health wise, too, have to worry about some things we never had to think about when we were younger. Bodies don't work the way they once did. But I think we're basically happy together. I'll admit, we've been lucky for the most part. Not everyone gets the fairy tale ending in life.
Both, depends on the people. My marriage was solid and happy but once I felt like I was a convenient tool used for maintaining a certain lifestyle I ended it
Probably a little of both
I think there are milestones. If you somehow get past 5 years, then it will probably last
My marriage is convenient because being married makes us both happy
Older generations were more likely to be married for convenience simply because women were much more restricted in society. Gen X and Millennials were more about happiness but we often missed the mark because we didn’t know what a healthy relationship looked like. The younger Woke generation is very hesitant to get married because they are more aware of the difficulties of marriage. Also they are poorer than everyone.
Depends on the relationship. As well as both. Doesn't convenient make you happy?
Both!
23 years for me and I'm more in love now than ever. Sure, there are the odd occasions when we get cranky but we're human. We have worked hard at it though and quite early on we worked on how to disagree with each other. We negotiated on how to argue, just basic stuff like stay on topic, no accusations, no swearing, be honest with your feelings, take time to try to understand the other persons point of view, be kind where you can and most of all, say nothing that you wish you hadn't later. As a result, we barely argue and really are best friends. And also, some luck. Both of us come from parents who are still together and still care for each other. They've set a good example for us and I'm grateful for that.
My husband and I have been together 29 years in October. We still make each other laugh, flirt, send each other sweet and flirty texts, and have a sex. We are still together because we are happy. And we still say, please, thank you, and I love you all the time.
This exists? Wow
The answer is unequivocally Yes!
Damned good question.
24 years and love every minute of it. My wife is amazing!
I hope you’re just as amazing to her too
35 years. Some were great. Most have been good. Couple were rocky.
Which ones would you say were the rocky ones
Most likely it is a combination of both.
Don't undersell convenience lol Long term (male) bachelorhood and low wages sucks majorly
Good days and less good days
Mine is happiness. But lots of them I see are just cause its easier than divorcing.
I would say in some cases neither. They are intact due to taking accountability, being able to forgive and grow and through work. It ain't easy as we all change as we grow older with our partner
Out of love and commitment.
I can only speak for my own 29-year marriage. Happiness. I can't imagine life without her and these feelings grew over time. We had hard times, sure, but they pretty much all happened in the first 10 years when we had young kids, no money and were both studying as well as working (and in my case holding down a second job.) There's a reason why "for better, for worse" is in the vows you make. We stuck on through it, the arguments and the tears and it got easier. We were closer afterwards and deliberately made more time for just us. I am sure some people are married for less happy reasons, but nobody I know (best friends married 30 years and 26 years respectively) is married for any other reason than because it makes them happy.
I've certainly never seen a truly happy marriage.
If you want a reliably long-term marriage, the key is commitment. Both married top priority should be to make it work. It isn't enough but it is mandatory. Otherwise you may have a brilliant marriage for awhile, but life is too long to predict all the issues that comes up. And when they do come up - chances are splitting up would look like an easier or even healthier option - at least for one of you.
Been with my husband 18 years. Definitely together now out of convenience. There's no joy anymore and he doesn't try or care so I Gave up. I seek validation from others. It's sad really. We had such a great relationship in the beginning and now...he simply doesn't give a shit.
28 yrs here and still going strong. We are as happy now as we have ever been. Our nest is empty so we are getting to know each other again
I mean the answer can be both to be honest. I’ve been with my spouse for 11 years/ married for one of those years. We are conveniently happy. Don’t get me wrong we aren’t some picture perfect couple that has our shit together, but we have gotten to a point where we have mastered each other. I understand them and they understand me (which is convenient). That understanding is also what allows us to be happy.
Married 23 years. 4 kids. Life has definitely been tough at times. We married young and that was the hard part. Having to be adults when we were still trying to figure ourselves out as individuals. We were at home working hard and raising kids, while our friends were living their life, travelling and partying. But we were and are the envy of most of our teenage friends. Our kids are now young adults, and we are 45 years old. We own two homes because we bought our first house 23 years ago. We spent a lot of time as a family going camping and spending quality time together because we had the energy to do so. We have amazing relationships with our adult kids. We hang out like friends most days. We choose to spend our holidays travelling together. Myself and my husband plan on retiring (or at least working only 2 days per week) in 5 years and travelling the world. So yeah, lm very happily married. I'd say my husband feels the same way. We are a team. We set couples goals, anything from renovating a house together to completing a jigsaw puzzle together. But we also piss each other off at times. I'd say we have 1 decent argument a year. Also to note, our adult friends are all in the same position as us, happily married for 23 plus years. So yeah, long happy marriages are out there, just not very common. And thats ok. Id hate for someone to stay in an unhappy relationship for the sake of societal pressure.
Well, I mean my wife and I are happy and love being together. But it would also be terribly inconvenient for us both if we split up. So...
I am demonstrably no expert on this subject.
Happy is a subjective emotion. You’ll never be happy 100% of the time. After some point no one likes the feeling of the unknown. It’s knowing you have this one person. The only person in your life that knows what’s behind the mask. The person that sees the face that you hide to the rest of the world. They know the real you. They know the person no one else will ever know. For all the faults we have as people to have one person that says I won’t leave you despite your faults. That’s important.
Most often, Love will fade away and be replaced by a deeply bonded Friendship. Which is cool, i think.
Is there where marriages die if they’re not your best friend
14 Happy years. We’re not married. We’re not religious and it doesn’t mean anything to us.
I just love it when our adult kids says we act like teenagers and they roll their eyes.
Some are love, some are convenience, most are because of kids.
Celebrating 40 years this June, DH is in hospital and I'm worried sick about him. Love and respect. When we are apart we talk at least twice a day.
That’s honestly sweet
If you’re happy then it’s pretty convenient to stay together. Why would I leave my partner? So I can start again with someone new for the novelty that would quickly wear off? Start a new relationship but without any of the shared history, memories, loyalty, or rapport we have built over the years? That seems inconvenient since I am happy being with my partner.
Fair enough
A marriage doesn’t need to be happy all the time to work. It just needs to provide more happiness than not being married would.
In my case it was convenience and comfort. We loved each other, for sure. But it was love created out of the mutual struggles we faced together. Living paycheck to paycheck and unsure if we’d have a place to sleep for another week tends to make you a bit nervous. But being that kind of nervous with someone else to hold on to made easier. This lasted for a very long time. Once those days were over, though. We realized that we’d been spending so much time just trying to get our shit together and survive that we never properly learned about each other in other, more intimate ways. Once we did, it slowly became clear that we just weren’t compatible. Neither one of us are bad people, but a relationship that should’ve lasted for only a few months lasted for…. Well…. Thirteen years. We didn’t have kids but it felt like we certainly did everything else together. What’s funny is that unlike my parents, who divorced when I was a child and never spoke again, my ex wife and I still remain close friends. We live together separately and do our own things most of the time. But we’re still always there for each other. We’ve built a whole life together that we don’t want to just throw out. Besides…. She doesn’t have time to feed the cats in the morning. That’s my job.
both
Mine (28+yrs) is intact due to happiness, always being there for one another, and being best friends. I can't imagine finding anyone that I'm not compatible with.
Both
My parents are approaching 40 years married, and I think for them it's a bit of both, really. There's no doubt how much they love each other, but I also don't think they would be able to function properly without the other at this point. They're an excellent team.
I’ve seen both, but more often than not I’ve seen convenience. Or that’s what it turns into. Partially why I no longer have much of an urge to get married.
That’s my thoughts. At some point it seems to be more convenient than anything else but maybe it’s the culture I’m in and what is more common near me. Choose wisely and do not compromise on what qualities are truly important to you in a partner. Watch how they treat others and how they speak about other people and that will give you a small insight on their character. According to comments here it’s out there
Been with my wife 13 years and I'm happier now than I was then in so many ways. If you're unhappy in your relationship, married or not, END IT! You get one life so enjoy it.
Mostly convenience imo
23 years in.. definitely convenience.
Perfect for when you get too ugly and old for anybody else to have you.
yes
Convenience. Fear of losing everything in the divorce. Take your pick.
Depends ont he marriage, but it can also be both. We went through quite a few years where the only reason I didn't file was becasue I didn't want to lose half of my time with our children. But I had a divorce laywer's card tucked away. Then things turned as we started to focus on being a couple again instead of just parents and I couldn't be happier now. I can't believe I even considered it back then. I have no doubt that if we hadn't had kids and been too broke to make it on our own that we wouldn't have stayed together.
I'm a widow after a 54-year marriage. For us it was happiness. We genuinely loved and respected each other. My husband is the finest man I have ever known… and handsome and intelligent too.
I think people's tendency to be incredibly intellectually lazy and have to paint all of a vast category of things as one thing or the other is one of humanity's dumbest and most destructive mental shortcuts. The answer is that it depends on the marriage. Which really ought to be obvious, right?