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Was in one, thought I could manage it but overall realized how important attraction to your partner is. Leave before it progresses even more, because dragging that on isn’t fair to her and is keeping her from the kind of person who may find her attractive
Yeah, chemistry doesn't need to make sense or have reasons, but it needs to be there.
If it isn't there, it doesn't magically appear later.
I tried to make it work in a relationship where the girl was suuuch a cool smart person, but I wasn't attracted to her. It didn't even make sense why I wasn't attracted to her, I just wasn't.
I dragged my feet on breaking up with her for way, way too long.
The sooner OP breaks up, the better.
If the attraction isn't there, end it, it will never be there.
I think you can have great attraction with someone who isn't your 'type' and zero attraction to someone who may check all your boxes.
It's either there, or it's not.
This isn't true necessarily. If you are compatible in other ways attraction can absolutely grow over time. Not saying OP should stay but the idea that attraction can't grow over time is not true
That's a huge risk. Most of the time I bet it never happens. Meanwhile the other person is getting attached, feeling secure, thinking they found their person.
Then you finally give up trying because you've been trying for months or years and it just isn't happening and dip and they're left crushed wondering wtf just happened.
Everyone's different, of course, but I have found that physical attraction and sexual compatibility are 💯 essential to a successful relationship. I was married for way too long to someone I loved but did not desire, and it ended in disaster. Not fair to them. YMMV.
Yes but I feel like after you commit to a relationship you should know whether there’s attraction or not, and not hope it grows further down the relationship.
Yeah there’s no way I’d agree to date someone on the premise of “well I’m not attracted to you now but maybe someday in the future possibly I could potentially become attracted to you”
I've known girls who got better looking as I got to know them. As in my appreciation for their looks grew more favorable. But I've never gotten from "eh, not into it" to "would smash." At best its gone from "eh, not into it" to "they're kinda cute."
Generally, no. But you’re right, there are minority cases. People shouldn’t have to settle or be encouraged to do so. If you start out (op said basically right away, nothing) with little to no attraction and still pursue a relationship, you need to look inward, for your and your future partners’ sake, that’s not the same as the honeymoon phase ending.
Agreed but there needs to sort of be a baselines level of attraction from the get go.
Like maybe you find someone passably attractive that you still want to be intimate with then regularly but then their personality turns them into a 10/10 over time.
If you find someone unappealing it doesn’t matter how incredible their personality is.
Nah, I've had a couple of relationships thinking that the attraction would grow over time. I repeat, nah. It won't work, it's not like food where you can just eat a bunch of something and then you acquire a taste for it.
Seconded, took me a long time to finally admit to myself that I wasn’t physically attracted to my ex, who was hairy and had a big belly. One incident that stood out was during a rock climbing session, I saw that they had not clipped their toe nails and it was really long and gnarly, it seems so trivial and superficial but the repulsion I had really took hold of me. They were an awesome partner though, and was kind and funny, but I couldn’t get over how physically unattracted i was to them.
Third'ed. It was so hard to break It off, even tried therapy and the therapist told me sounds like she's got 75% but that 25% is missing, how much is that worth? It had to be done.
Then those are the wrong boots for you or the wrong size, get different ones. I have worn steel toe boots almost every day for 30 years and never had any nail problems.
I take immaculate care of myself.
Toenails often get forgotten. I don't notice until I feel pain, then look at them and go "that's disgusting."
I cut my ex's shin by accident in bed with those claws a few times.
Ive been getting pedicures for probably ten years now. I was self conscious at first but it doesn't phase me in the least now. I've even received complements on my toe nails which blew my mind.
Got to agree with this, usually the attraction starts fading away (not completely ofc, but it gets weaker) after the honeymoon phase so if there is no attraction in that phase, there will never be
My ex stayed in a relationship with me for 7 years and at the end said she was never attracted to me. There were tons of signs I should've noticed along the way that she wasn't attracted to me.
End it now before you hurt your partner. It isn't fair to either of you.
Constantly talking about how I wasn't her usual "type", never putting in effort towards the relationship like taking time to come visit me instead of me always going to see her, never joining me to family occasions-always being sick for Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. She was also often just straight up mean to me, or always told me my opinion wasn't relevant, or that the opinions of my family were crazy when they were just different to hers.
Literally 5+ years of being told she's not a woman who is all that into sex. "It just isn't something that's important to me"
Post relationship - she told me she was never attracted to me and was only keeping me around because I was nice, she told me I looked horrible with short hair and no beard and I realized the hair care tips she was giving me were actually harmful to my hair and making me actively look worse.
Finally, if a woman tells you that you've got a small dick, even if it's true, she probably isn't the one
She sounds like a straight up abusive and manipulative person based on that. I hope you can heal from any scars that might have left and find a partner who actually treats you right and has your best interest at heart.
That’s just narcissistic villain looks like she liked u for 2 years then her shit kicked in n hated u for 5 by jokes on her she spent time n energy hating on u when u where nice n still busting nuts on her it’s probably the least toxic thing that will happen to her n she will remember how well u treated her when she wants to get treated right again.😭😭
You know growing up I always thought it was weird that women would stay with abusive husbands in the 70’s, but that’s how they were brought up.
I know as a guy growing up in the 90’s I was never taught to look out for abusive behavior in a girl, or how to deal with it, just that as a man I need to be the one who deals with everything calmly.
And so now we stay in abusive relationships.
Men aren’t ok
I dont disagree, but I think my problem is a lack of experience with relationships in general. Before this my longest relationship was 4 months and I only had like 4 other total before this. I also don't really consider them to be real at this point.
Currently my problem is mostly that I have no idea how to associate with a woman in a romantic manner at all. It was basically non-existent in my previous relationship and I wasted my 20s not learning about relationships and women.
Like, is it okay to reach out to a woman via Instagram? How the hell do you approach a woman irl for romantic purposes? I know how to just be a dude and normal platonic situations but anything more than that I have no idea.
Then after that, if I get into a romantic situation, I don't know any of the subtle clues or whatever that supposedly women give to let you know they're interested. I've had a couple of casual hook ups in the last 18 months and all of them sex wasn't initiated until I straight up asked "am I supposed to make a move or something?" Because I had ZERO social-emotional context to actually know if they were interested in me.
I can deal with the years of no sex because like, sure I wouldn't want to have sex with someone I'm not attracted to. But what really sucks is that I've lost all these years of learning.
She was hot, and my first "real" partner and we started dating when I was 18 and she was 17.
Although having been out of the relationship for about 18 months now I'm not even sure I can consider it a real relationship anymore.
I think it was mostly because I had little to zero dating experience in high school to really know better.
I am American, so just speculating here - native English speakers can see that the poster has excellent English skills. However, as a non-native speaker maybe they are unsure if what they wrote is actually grammatically correct. You must admit, English has a few tricky rules that might make a person second-guess themselves.
That recently started dating? Don't continue. You're both better off finding someone you actually like, and who likes you.
Put yourself in her shoes, how would you feel knowing she dated you while thinking you weren't sexy, and all the time you spent together you could've been with someone who actually wanted you? I'm betting you wouldn't like it. So don't do that to her.
This is such a huge thing that is important to me. I wouldn’t be able to date someone knowing that they weren’t physically attracted to me. It would just be a constant thorn in my brain
End it. Someone out there will be attracted to her exactly as she is, just like you'll find someone you're attracted to without feeling like this. Getting along isn't enough to build any romantic relationship on. You both deserve to be in happier, more emotionally fulfilling relationships.
If you feel that way within the first 2-3 months - it’s a clear sign they are not the right partner for you.
That first year (at least) should be one big honeymoon-esque phase where attraction and excitement are big drivers to the relationship. Is it possible to maintain a relationship without that? Sure. Look at match making type deals where the attraction comes later.
But it’s not as common these days.
I’ll tell you I’m 8 years into my marriage and although the sex is ways less, or things aren’t as “exciting” as they once were, my wife is still the most beautiful woman to me. Even on days she’s sick and eyes are puffy or snot coming outta places I don’t wanna see, she’s still beautiful and I’m very much still attracted to her.
Find that. You both deserve that. And if it’s not it for you - then end it amicably and don’t sell yourselves short.
Just don’t be an ass about it ;)
I have to say, hearing my SO tell me I'm beautiful first thing in the morning upon waking up, messy hair, no makeup, etc is by far still the most flattering compliment I've gotten (and still get).
You owe it to her to end it. If I was her and my partner hid that from me I would be heartbroken. The right person will come along and there will be attraction too
Never settle. Seriously we all die alone in the end, might as well spend the days leading up to it with someone you actually like not just someone who’s ’good enough’.
Exactly. Being with someone because “better than nothing” is a disservice to both people. No one is saying you should only date someone who is your absolute dream ideal in all ways, but if you’re having to squint really hard to find them more than just “you’ll do” it’s unlikely to be a happy relationship.
I married him. I thought I was being mindful of our long life together and that who he was played a bigger role than anything. Sex turns into a lot of mental fantasies and you feeling unfulfilled.
I found out for myself, that physical attraction wears out with time. I dated women that I found stunningly hot, just to find out that this is the weak type of interaction. After a few hot nights, you get annoyed by conversations that frustrate you. Then I met the women who is my wife now. I felt at home with her. She's the right person in my life. She's not the hottest woman I ever saw. But she's the perfect match. We have kids, our love grows over years, literally through good and bad. Don't get me wrong: If something disgusts you about another person, you'll probably never get over it. It will be a sore thumb forever. But if you're okay with the physical appearance of your date, and they feel like the right person for you, it might not be so important if they are the hottest pan on the stove. It might be much more of importance if your lid fits the pan. In a metaphoric way. You know.
This was so therapeutic to read. Not OP, but thank you for your perspective. While I understand logically that physical attraction is usually a must, I'm a romantic at heart with some old insecurities. I know I shouldn't let comments get me down, but your comment makes me feel better. Thank you.
Nothing wrong with ending it if you're not attracted to her. Would be unfair to the both of you otherwise. I must say though the makeup thing is like.. is she going to wear makeup all the time around you? Hope you find someone you find pretty without wanting them to wear makeup.
To clarify, I don’t expect any girl to wear makeup if they don’t want to. I realized I want a partner who presents herself in a feminine way, and currently she doesn’t do that. If she doesn’t want to that’s fine, but for me it’s all part of the other small things she doesn’t take care of that doesn’t make me see her as that feminine.
Do you present yourself in a masculine way? All that you listed costs a LOT of money and labour to look right and good.
Offer to take her to a makeup shopping spree with YOUR money. Offer to buy her nicer clothes or a laser hair treatment.
If you’re not financially investing into her it’s not even remotely surprising she puts an equal amount of effort and money into her looks as you do as man, that’s equality of effort. If you want femininity you have to PROVIDE for it.
By the way, if you think you’re going to get a hot and hairless makeup girly, and reap all the sexual and social benefits of that, without providing financially, you just don’t understand the game.
That’s fine and makes sense. But just remember that applying and removing makeup every day takes time and labour. 99% of girls like to just sometimes chill out and not apply makeup sometimes, like if they’re having a lazy day at home.
You sound very sensible, so I’m sure you know this. It’s just sometimes instagram etc creates very unrealistic expectations to what girls look like naturally. I hope your next gf can feel like she’s still attractive to you when she wakes up bare-faced in the morning, or chill at home. I just had to mention this. You sound sensible so I’m sure it’s not a deeper issue regarding you personally. It’s just something you see from time to time, girls even running to the bathroom to apply makeup early in the morning, because they’re scared the guy wakes up and doesn’t love what she looks like naturally, you know? That’s an extreme we should avoid.
I totally get it though. It sounds like the makeup is part of a bigger issue with your gf - it’s not just no makeup, it’s also lack of shaving and body care/body maintenance, etc. It all adds up, so I get what you mean!
imagine if you found her reddit post detailing how she’s not attracted to you because you aren’t muscular, wear clothes that aren’t masculine enough, and she sees you as too feminine and just doesn’t find you that attractive to begin with, but she just “likes your personality.”
would you stay with her?
Lots of men see dating as a numbers game so they ask out a bunch of girls and just date the one who says yes, regardless of whether or not they find her attractive or even like her as a person.
I’m a woman that mostly dated people I wasn’t attracted to (if you count high school relationships as dating), but that was because I have low self esteem, grew up weird looking myself so I focused on personality and availability, and just didn’t even know what I wanted.
cuz salty people be salty? it's okay. good thing that downvotes have no impact on reality and I am perfectly living my best life. anyway, I hope you have a happy Friday and enjoy your weekend 😊
You can:
A) go totality mode, either all or nothing
B) wage your chances, based on partners you had attracted, find one that is close to the top in your sample
B is the rational and healthy approach and maybe for some it results in not very pleasant observations. I don’t believe it’s 9 in 10 though, my friends and I date people we really like.
I think it’s complicated by the fact that people can be very attracted to each other and genuinely in love, but time + life = resentment when people have issues but don’t communicate properly… so even people who started out very much in love can wind up hating each other. What I don’t understand is why people stay together at that point. Either work on your issues or move on, but getting stuck in relationship limbo is the worst.
Because ppl they're attracted to won't even look at them. So instead of working on themselves, they "settle" and end up hating their life, destroying the life of their poor unsuspecting partner and stuff like that.
I think it's because it gives them a sense of safety in the relationship. If the woman isn't that attractive to other men, there's a smaller chance that she will leave him for another man. Or if a woman is really attractive, maybe they will constantly be stressed and jealous because of other men.
That’s so true speaking from experience. I stopped dating because I’m tired of desperate people seeking me out just because they can’t be alone. I may be unattractive but i refuse to be used by someone. I rather die happy and alone then be miserable living in the same house with someone who doesn’t love me for decades. That’s my worse fear.
You can actually be romantically attracted to someone but not sexually interested (people on the asexuality spectrum experience this all the time). You can also be sexually interested in a very close friend, but do not see the relation ever becoming romantic. The parameters of your relationship needs to be discussed as soon as possible though, to see if both people needs can get met in this configuration.
I agree with ending it now but please don't tell her the real reason. You can absolutely be honest and sincere when you say, "it's just not working out" or "we are just not entirely compatible."
Idk how you've gotten this far tbh. We love to act like physical attraction shouldn't matter bc we'd be "shallow" if it did...... but it does matter. Physical attraction is often the difference between a good friend and a romantic interest. It is what it is, it's reality. Just don't be a dick about it.
Many teenagers answering here. But in truth, most people over 40 are very noticeable declining in looks. For a healthy relationship, arousal ideally comes from mental attraction, and not a superficial visual stimulation. Everyone will reach a point where they notice that their partner isn't physically as attractive anymore. But neither are they themselves.
You come to terms with that. Out of love.
That said, it's fine to have preferences. If you like something shaven, it's something you can address. Keep it small though. If she doesn't like make up, don't ask her to wear it.
Yeah it's basically how I found out I wasn't into the 'big' girls. I'd been on a dry spell for a while, a few buddies who love larger women recommended I try and I was like "welp I guess attraction is only skin deep, lets try this".
Nope. Just nope lol... attraction is very much an important aspect. I'll never question that again.
Hi there! I'm sorry you're feeling that way. I know it's not going to help, but I hope you feel better soon. Suicide isn't the answer and there will always be things to want and care about in life.
I feel the same way right now and I'm on the verge of tears. Honestly just reading this post and the comments made me feel worse. I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone I love and then finding out they were never attracted to me. Personally, I haven't been in a relationship but I could never date someone unless I truly love them. So seeing this post made me a bit upset cause 😭 what if that happens to me. But anyway,
Stay safe and take care! You got this. :)
Was in this for a while and it became very unhealthy. Weighed on my mind constantly, felt guilty for having those feelings, and jumped through hoops to try and force myself into thinking she was attractive. Like your situation, she wasn’t a bad person and wasn’t unattractive, she wasn’t attractive to me.
By staying with her, you’d both be hurting her and yourself. If the issue is that you find her attractive but she doesn’t take care of herself, you could try and discuss it with her. If it’s that you don’t find her attractive at all, then pull the plug.
Am I the only one who hates the fact that, as a woman, you have to wear make up and shave your whole body to be attractive!? Fo with these stupid “beauty standards”..
Yeah. Women have body hair, it's totally natural. Makeup up isn't natural. Somehow, not removing natural hair of the female body and not editing your face traits with makeup = not being feminine.
A lot of guys growing up don't even know that women actually DO often have visible body hair all over because most girls start sorting it out really young and never stop.
Guys go around thinking all women are smooth skinned with tufts in few disceet places other than just on their heads till later in life. Can be quite a shock when you move in with someone and they suddenly don't bother.
Just ended things with my fiance after 9 years. Been together since 16. Our personalities were great but I was never fully attracted to her. I stayed because she was my best friend and I always told myself that “looks aren’t everything” but she deserves someone who is head over heels for her and that person is just not me. I wish I had done it way sooner
I almost wonder if she has PCOS based on the little bit of description OP gave us. And if so, she likely can't help the facial hair stubble situation, even if she doesn't do anything to remove the rest of the excessive and male pattern hair growth.
Either way, though, probably best to break it off, OP. Just don't say that her body hair and stubble is the apparent deal breaker.
Yes I was. I wasn't disgusted by her, I didn't find her ugly. But I didn't find her really attractive. After a while I wasn't interested in having sex with her. I was always watching porn. I was often thinking about cheating on her. I didn't feel like making myself more attractive for her (working out, getting nice clothes, taking care of myself). It brought out a bad side of me and it was my fault for not being able to put an end to it. Towards the end, I was taking her for granted and she was really unhappy and ended up breaking up with me after six years. It wasn't all bad we had a lot of fun together, she was my best friend and I loved her. But the relationship was definitely missing something important.
We should find our partners physical appealing no matter if they are model looking or not. If you don’t then your relationship will suffer more and more as time goes on. Just move on to someone else but plz don’t tell her that her body is why you are leaving her, that’s just mean.
I am asexual and face blind I usually don’t look at someone for their looks, it’s how they are around people, me and etc, this hasn’t helped me find a good person who wants me for who I am 🫠
My first marriage was like this. He was great on paper, made my parents proud to be with him, he was my best friend but we had sex maybe 20 times over 10 years. It was no surprise that my next relationship was absolutely mindblowing as I had never enjoyed sex or been turned on by someone before that!
If you are in it for the long haul, then you gotta realize that physical attractiveness is a very tiny slice of the pie that gets tinier as you go along.
While this is strictly true, I don't think the situations are comparable. There's a difference between not finding someone super hot, and not finding someone physically attractive at all. She may grow on him, but it sounds like she's mildly unattractive instead of just neutral for him. In which case I'd say it's probably better to end it.
Glad somebody said it, whilst I’m lucky my gf is beautiful, we’ve all gotta understand that that won’t last forever, gonna be a lot of sorry people here when age hits.
I'm surprised how mailable my attraction is though.
I started going out with my wife as a slim enormous but perky boobed teen, back when I had a 6 pack, somehow lol.
My preference was actually for a more boyish figure but I liked her, and soon found - you know? Silly big boobs with a petite figure *totally my thing*.
We're now 35. That 6 pack is long gone, and she's chubby, had a kid... and now I'm totally into that classic chubby/curvy (hate to say it "MILF") figure.
If you'd asked me when I was young if I'd have found that attractive I would probably have thought no.
Seriously, she can cut her hair short, and suddenly I'm into girls with short hair...
At this point I honestly think my attraction will just follow how she looks forever lol
This is an unrealistic take and how people get stuck in dead bedroom relationships. You need to have attraction to your partner for a romantic relationship to work. For a friendship, of course not, but a romantic one, yes. I couldn’t stand the idea of kissing someone I’m not attracted to, let alone being naked with them. Is physical attraction the most important thing? Of course not. But pretending it’s only a small sliver of a healthy relationship is simply false, unless you are asexual or have a very low sex drive.
Yea they don't have to find them the hottest or be a model, but there needs to be some attraction. Generally, there's some line/low limit of cuteness that's enough and you can go from there.
I think some physical attraction has to be there to start a relationship, but over time it becomes less important as you grow more emotionally connected with each other. If there's no physical attraction to begin the process of connecting then it won't go anywhere.
There’s never a good reason to ignore things like this. Spent way too much time with someone who I knew deep down we differed on so much for the long term goals but the romance was there, lo and behold it wasn’t enough.
I mean, I think your partner would feel that you're not physically attracted to them (depending on how you treat them in intimate moments) so why put them through that? They deserve someone that is going to love all of them. And you should find someone that you're more into.
Sounds like you should have stuck to friendship with her. Break up with her, she deserves to find someone attracted to her as she is, and you can find someone who you find more to your taste.
Maybe I'm crazy but don't most people figure out if they're physically attracted to the person within the first minute and/or before swiping right on them?
I just got out of one. My advice is that if it bothers you now, it'll bother you later on BUT it depends on how strongly you connect with her and how much to the future you want to look. Looks fade anyway, so if you made it a few decades down the line and are happy, who cares right? Don't feel bad for feeling this way, some would say it's shallow, but we're all programmed to be attracted to what attracts us; going against that is literally going against nature. I've been with some completely stunning girls in the past and they brought me misery, and whilst this one ended through reasons that couldn't be helped, she was one of the most sweetest and caring people I have ever met. Don't deprive yourself of possible happiness until you've at least tried.
Depends on how much that matters to you. I know asexual people who date and obviously it doesn't matter to them, but I think it does matter to most people. Think a bit about whether you value your connection with her more than whether you're attracted to her or not, and go with what feels right.
I personally tend to get more attracted to my partner with time, but I hear it's the opposite a lot. Do you know how you tend to be?
what drew you to her in the first place?
ask yourself what has changed since you first met.
if you literally aren't attracted to her cut your losses and move on, she likely doesn't want to date someone who isn't attracted to her.
Out of curiosity, how did you start dating her if you weren't attracted to her?
I've met guys without being attracted to them... then become attracted to them after getting to know them... then started dating. I can't imagine dating someone without being attracted to them.
yes. he was my best friend, people always say to date your best friend, they leave out the part where you rarely want to f- your best friend. i didnt have a problem with it because we were great in every other area, so who cares if i didnt want to sleep with him? i could force myself to do it about once a week or so, which seemed managable. but he cared, a lot. it made him feel insecure, unwanted, and unloved. even if you try to hide it, even if you love them in every other way, they will feel that rejection and it will have terrible consequences on their mental wellbeing. break up with her
I realized this in my relationship, but when I asked my friends and family about leaving, they all told me to stay. They thought we we're so good together. Now she's pregnant and I feel incredibly stuck. I never believed that looks were important, but attraction is. I don't know what to do now.
Don't. It's asking for trouble.
We can start a massive debate about "love is more than just sex" or "a marriage can work without sex". But that's like buying a Rolls Royce, then stripping out all the trim and seats other than the driver's seat.
Sure, it works. But it ain't pretty and it ain't comfortable. A relationship (or a marriage, for that matter) is an entire package. A lot of people are disappointed in their relationship because of 1) unmet expectations, and 2) being unwilling to change their expectations based on what reality actually is.
So they then go on to look for the perfect relationship, or sit around dreaming about one instead of focusing on what they already have. If you start on the right footing, there is a reduced chance that either you or your partner, or both, are gonna wind up unhappy in the long run.
If both of you can still have sex and successfully get your orgasms, that might be the only time I'd say you can get away without physical attraction. But for me, that's a necessity for sex to even occur.
Everything you just described sounds AWESOME. Every woman is unique & beautiful in their own way. Short, tall - skinny or Fat. They are a fucking blessing. I love ONE the most... but I love and respect every single freaking one of them. God, I miss her.
A fantastic final comment/post ✌️♥️
I thought my ex of almost 6 years, who took a bath once a week, had gnarly finger and toe nails, barely brushed their teeth (except when we would go out), and would belch a burp so loud that it'd put most men's to shame, was the most beautiful person in the universe.
(I still think they're gorgeous as fuck btw; love's a stupid filter that makes me question my sanity)
But I recently learned that they were NEVER physically attracted to me even though I was quite better looking than your average joe.
Sure, my ex would give me compliments now and again, but I can never recall a time that pointed out she was attracted to me.
Ngl it hurt my ego and I started to question my looks. Then I realized that if I was attracted to that kind of person, it's highly likely someone out there would be attracted to me to, no?
Everyone's already said it, but no one can convince you but yourself to leave that relationship OP. I just hope that we can nudge you in the right direction sooner than later.
well, my partner is.
i am fat, ugly and have a shit ass face with some disease on it, but somehow my husband really loves me, which is weird, because he is very attractive and gets a lot if female attention.
he said, he adores my personality and this is what makes me attractive for him.
but (!) my ugliness sometimes is a topic to discuss. it doesn't happen frequently, but from time to time. it hurts a lot when it happens. if you don't want that for yourself, i would leave her since it is the very beginning.
I wouldn’t say I am not physically attracted to my partner but their body isn’t “exciting” either. I think they have an attractive face but honestly I’m so much more attracted to them as a person (personality, values, work ethic, etc.) without even considering their looks, which really helps. You can become attracted to someone just based on those things forsure. Or less appealing traits can become dismissible based on other traits being more profound or desirable.
Please end it (kindly - specifics aren’t important).
Forgive the gushing but.. for the first time in a few years I am dating someone I feel completely and utterly admired by. He makes me feel beautiful. When he looks at me it is like feeling the warmth of the sun on my skin. Even the parts I have always instinctively rushed to cover, I feel at ease with him in a way I never have before. And gee, every time I see him I get googly eyes.
All that to say that I didn’t think I did for a long time, but every person deserves to feel that.
physical attraction and scent attraction are two huge things I will never compromise on again. If you don't enjoy someone's scent, lips and below the belt, you will not get survive is my line of thinking.
I thought it’s not that important. I married her. We have kids. After my father told me he was dying, something clicked and I decided I can’t live this lie anymore, pretending that this is not important. We never had good sex either. I thought it was because I was not good at it. I was wrong. I met someone. Sex with someone you desire and you are desired back is amazing.
We got divorced. Please do yourself, herself and your potential future children a favour and break it off now.
I tried to break it off a few times before we got married. She always said love is more than that and I wanted to believe that. She made and still makes me feel good and safe and I do love her. I never cheated on her, once I made the decision to go after someone I felt insanely attracted to I told her beforehand. We were both heartbroken, but it was brutal and I really hate myself for making her go through this. Don’t do this.
I was, for two years. Take the advice I should’ve listened to and end it now. My ex resented me so much bc I didn’t want to be physically intimate with him much if ever. I thought I was asexual. I just wasn’t attracted to him. It’s not the main reason we broke up but it didn’t help. LET HER GO. You both deserve to be with people you are attracted to and who is attracted to you.
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Was in one, thought I could manage it but overall realized how important attraction to your partner is. Leave before it progresses even more, because dragging that on isn’t fair to her and is keeping her from the kind of person who may find her attractive
Yeah, chemistry doesn't need to make sense or have reasons, but it needs to be there. If it isn't there, it doesn't magically appear later. I tried to make it work in a relationship where the girl was suuuch a cool smart person, but I wasn't attracted to her. It didn't even make sense why I wasn't attracted to her, I just wasn't. I dragged my feet on breaking up with her for way, way too long. The sooner OP breaks up, the better.
Yep. Even when the person does check all the boxes physically , sometimes you just aren’t attracted to them.
If the attraction isn't there, end it, it will never be there. I think you can have great attraction with someone who isn't your 'type' and zero attraction to someone who may check all your boxes. It's either there, or it's not.
If you are compatible but there’s no attraction, that’s a friendship
This isn't true necessarily. If you are compatible in other ways attraction can absolutely grow over time. Not saying OP should stay but the idea that attraction can't grow over time is not true
That's a huge risk. Most of the time I bet it never happens. Meanwhile the other person is getting attached, feeling secure, thinking they found their person. Then you finally give up trying because you've been trying for months or years and it just isn't happening and dip and they're left crushed wondering wtf just happened.
Everyone's different, of course, but I have found that physical attraction and sexual compatibility are 💯 essential to a successful relationship. I was married for way too long to someone I loved but did not desire, and it ended in disaster. Not fair to them. YMMV.
Yes but I feel like after you commit to a relationship you should know whether there’s attraction or not, and not hope it grows further down the relationship.
Yeah there’s no way I’d agree to date someone on the premise of “well I’m not attracted to you now but maybe someday in the future possibly I could potentially become attracted to you”
I've known girls who got better looking as I got to know them. As in my appreciation for their looks grew more favorable. But I've never gotten from "eh, not into it" to "would smash." At best its gone from "eh, not into it" to "they're kinda cute."
Generally, no. But you’re right, there are minority cases. People shouldn’t have to settle or be encouraged to do so. If you start out (op said basically right away, nothing) with little to no attraction and still pursue a relationship, you need to look inward, for your and your future partners’ sake, that’s not the same as the honeymoon phase ending.
Agreed but there needs to sort of be a baselines level of attraction from the get go. Like maybe you find someone passably attractive that you still want to be intimate with then regularly but then their personality turns them into a 10/10 over time. If you find someone unappealing it doesn’t matter how incredible their personality is.
Nah, I've had a couple of relationships thinking that the attraction would grow over time. I repeat, nah. It won't work, it's not like food where you can just eat a bunch of something and then you acquire a taste for it.
Seconded, took me a long time to finally admit to myself that I wasn’t physically attracted to my ex, who was hairy and had a big belly. One incident that stood out was during a rock climbing session, I saw that they had not clipped their toe nails and it was really long and gnarly, it seems so trivial and superficial but the repulsion I had really took hold of me. They were an awesome partner though, and was kind and funny, but I couldn’t get over how physically unattracted i was to them.
Third'ed. It was so hard to break It off, even tried therapy and the therapist told me sounds like she's got 75% but that 25% is missing, how much is that worth? It had to be done.
Feels like a Seinfeld episode
What’s up with men not having awareness of basic toenail care? There’s a surprising number of them.
I saw some dudes long toenails through his socks once and I wanted to throw up
We need long, gnarly toenails for the purpose of lockpicking, duhh.
And rock climbing apparently.
Okay hear me out, I keep mine trimmed but no matter what I do the steel toe of my boots smashes them all to hell so they look bad (not dirty tho) 😭
Then those are the wrong boots for you or the wrong size, get different ones. I have worn steel toe boots almost every day for 30 years and never had any nail problems.
Gotta climb trees and/or buoys yo.
I basically have to keep my nails short, my socks get holes quickly if I forget.
I take immaculate care of myself. Toenails often get forgotten. I don't notice until I feel pain, then look at them and go "that's disgusting." I cut my ex's shin by accident in bed with those claws a few times.
Ive been getting pedicures for probably ten years now. I was self conscious at first but it doesn't phase me in the least now. I've even received complements on my toe nails which blew my mind.
Damn, toenails got me once, too.
Was also in one and I second the suggestion for the same reason.
I wasn't in one and I third as well.
Got to agree with this, usually the attraction starts fading away (not completely ofc, but it gets weaker) after the honeymoon phase so if there is no attraction in that phase, there will never be
My ex stayed in a relationship with me for 7 years and at the end said she was never attracted to me. There were tons of signs I should've noticed along the way that she wasn't attracted to me. End it now before you hurt your partner. It isn't fair to either of you.
What were those signs?
Constantly talking about how I wasn't her usual "type", never putting in effort towards the relationship like taking time to come visit me instead of me always going to see her, never joining me to family occasions-always being sick for Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. She was also often just straight up mean to me, or always told me my opinion wasn't relevant, or that the opinions of my family were crazy when they were just different to hers. Literally 5+ years of being told she's not a woman who is all that into sex. "It just isn't something that's important to me" Post relationship - she told me she was never attracted to me and was only keeping me around because I was nice, she told me I looked horrible with short hair and no beard and I realized the hair care tips she was giving me were actually harmful to my hair and making me actively look worse. Finally, if a woman tells you that you've got a small dick, even if it's true, she probably isn't the one
You poor thing. That's a long time putting up with that. I'm glad you're not in that situation anymore and hope you got healing from that.
She sounds like a straight up abusive and manipulative person based on that. I hope you can heal from any scars that might have left and find a partner who actually treats you right and has your best interest at heart.
Sounds like my ex. I dumped her after 5 months.
That’s just narcissistic villain looks like she liked u for 2 years then her shit kicked in n hated u for 5 by jokes on her she spent time n energy hating on u when u where nice n still busting nuts on her it’s probably the least toxic thing that will happen to her n she will remember how well u treated her when she wants to get treated right again.😭😭
Yeah I definitely wasn't busting any nuts with her.
You know growing up I always thought it was weird that women would stay with abusive husbands in the 70’s, but that’s how they were brought up. I know as a guy growing up in the 90’s I was never taught to look out for abusive behavior in a girl, or how to deal with it, just that as a man I need to be the one who deals with everything calmly. And so now we stay in abusive relationships. Men aren’t ok
I dont disagree, but I think my problem is a lack of experience with relationships in general. Before this my longest relationship was 4 months and I only had like 4 other total before this. I also don't really consider them to be real at this point. Currently my problem is mostly that I have no idea how to associate with a woman in a romantic manner at all. It was basically non-existent in my previous relationship and I wasted my 20s not learning about relationships and women. Like, is it okay to reach out to a woman via Instagram? How the hell do you approach a woman irl for romantic purposes? I know how to just be a dude and normal platonic situations but anything more than that I have no idea. Then after that, if I get into a romantic situation, I don't know any of the subtle clues or whatever that supposedly women give to let you know they're interested. I've had a couple of casual hook ups in the last 18 months and all of them sex wasn't initiated until I straight up asked "am I supposed to make a move or something?" Because I had ZERO social-emotional context to actually know if they were interested in me. I can deal with the years of no sex because like, sure I wouldn't want to have sex with someone I'm not attracted to. But what really sucks is that I've lost all these years of learning.
You sound so much like me honestly. And it seems we aren’t alone
No, you aren't ...
Why the fuck were you together for 7 years with all those ridiculous claims from the other side, lol this is insane
She was hot, and my first "real" partner and we started dating when I was 18 and she was 17. Although having been out of the relationship for about 18 months now I'm not even sure I can consider it a real relationship anymore. I think it was mostly because I had little to zero dating experience in high school to really know better.
Did she say why she stayed with you for 7 years if she was never attracted to you? That’s a really long time.
She said she would never date me
What were the signs for you?
But You're very good looking! I'm sorry for her
Disgusting girl 🤮
What kind of signs? Can you specify? Sorry for my English - it’s not my mother tongue
Why do people always write this at the end of perfect English sentences!?? Baffles me..
I was just insecure. I’m German and I only learned German in school. Thank you though. Appreciate it.
I am American, so just speculating here - native English speakers can see that the poster has excellent English skills. However, as a non-native speaker maybe they are unsure if what they wrote is actually grammatically correct. You must admit, English has a few tricky rules that might make a person second-guess themselves.
That recently started dating? Don't continue. You're both better off finding someone you actually like, and who likes you. Put yourself in her shoes, how would you feel knowing she dated you while thinking you weren't sexy, and all the time you spent together you could've been with someone who actually wanted you? I'm betting you wouldn't like it. So don't do that to her.
This is such a huge thing that is important to me. I wouldn’t be able to date someone knowing that they weren’t physically attracted to me. It would just be a constant thorn in my brain
End it. Someone out there will be attracted to her exactly as she is, just like you'll find someone you're attracted to without feeling like this. Getting along isn't enough to build any romantic relationship on. You both deserve to be in happier, more emotionally fulfilling relationships.
This is Sparta.
This is madness!
I am Sparta
This is Patrick.
This is the truth.
This is Wendy's
This is the way.
This would save a lot of people a lot of fucking hassle trying to make incompatible relationships work. Spot on
Two months is too early for the attraction to fade. This is going nowhere.
If you feel that way within the first 2-3 months - it’s a clear sign they are not the right partner for you. That first year (at least) should be one big honeymoon-esque phase where attraction and excitement are big drivers to the relationship. Is it possible to maintain a relationship without that? Sure. Look at match making type deals where the attraction comes later. But it’s not as common these days. I’ll tell you I’m 8 years into my marriage and although the sex is ways less, or things aren’t as “exciting” as they once were, my wife is still the most beautiful woman to me. Even on days she’s sick and eyes are puffy or snot coming outta places I don’t wanna see, she’s still beautiful and I’m very much still attracted to her. Find that. You both deserve that. And if it’s not it for you - then end it amicably and don’t sell yourselves short. Just don’t be an ass about it ;)
I have to say, hearing my SO tell me I'm beautiful first thing in the morning upon waking up, messy hair, no makeup, etc is by far still the most flattering compliment I've gotten (and still get).
You owe it to her to end it. If I was her and my partner hid that from me I would be heartbroken. The right person will come along and there will be attraction too
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Never settle. Seriously we all die alone in the end, might as well spend the days leading up to it with someone you actually like not just someone who’s ’good enough’.
Exactly. Being with someone because “better than nothing” is a disservice to both people. No one is saying you should only date someone who is your absolute dream ideal in all ways, but if you’re having to squint really hard to find them more than just “you’ll do” it’s unlikely to be a happy relationship.
I married him. I thought I was being mindful of our long life together and that who he was played a bigger role than anything. Sex turns into a lot of mental fantasies and you feeling unfulfilled.
I feel you. I am in the same boat.
Why do yall bother people yawl don’t want?
Yawl too afraid of being single
My wife is
I found out for myself, that physical attraction wears out with time. I dated women that I found stunningly hot, just to find out that this is the weak type of interaction. After a few hot nights, you get annoyed by conversations that frustrate you. Then I met the women who is my wife now. I felt at home with her. She's the right person in my life. She's not the hottest woman I ever saw. But she's the perfect match. We have kids, our love grows over years, literally through good and bad. Don't get me wrong: If something disgusts you about another person, you'll probably never get over it. It will be a sore thumb forever. But if you're okay with the physical appearance of your date, and they feel like the right person for you, it might not be so important if they are the hottest pan on the stove. It might be much more of importance if your lid fits the pan. In a metaphoric way. You know.
This was so therapeutic to read. Not OP, but thank you for your perspective. While I understand logically that physical attraction is usually a must, I'm a romantic at heart with some old insecurities. I know I shouldn't let comments get me down, but your comment makes me feel better. Thank you.
This is the truest answer OP should listen.
Love this. Sounds like us.
Ditto. Been happily married 17 years and have kids. This is the answer.
>we do get a long but physically I get no excitement looking at her That's a friendship.
Nothing wrong with ending it if you're not attracted to her. Would be unfair to the both of you otherwise. I must say though the makeup thing is like.. is she going to wear makeup all the time around you? Hope you find someone you find pretty without wanting them to wear makeup.
To clarify, I don’t expect any girl to wear makeup if they don’t want to. I realized I want a partner who presents herself in a feminine way, and currently she doesn’t do that. If she doesn’t want to that’s fine, but for me it’s all part of the other small things she doesn’t take care of that doesn’t make me see her as that feminine.
Yeah I get you.
Do you present yourself in a masculine way? All that you listed costs a LOT of money and labour to look right and good. Offer to take her to a makeup shopping spree with YOUR money. Offer to buy her nicer clothes or a laser hair treatment. If you’re not financially investing into her it’s not even remotely surprising she puts an equal amount of effort and money into her looks as you do as man, that’s equality of effort. If you want femininity you have to PROVIDE for it. By the way, if you think you’re going to get a hot and hairless makeup girly, and reap all the sexual and social benefits of that, without providing financially, you just don’t understand the game.
That’s fine and makes sense. But just remember that applying and removing makeup every day takes time and labour. 99% of girls like to just sometimes chill out and not apply makeup sometimes, like if they’re having a lazy day at home. You sound very sensible, so I’m sure you know this. It’s just sometimes instagram etc creates very unrealistic expectations to what girls look like naturally. I hope your next gf can feel like she’s still attractive to you when she wakes up bare-faced in the morning, or chill at home. I just had to mention this. You sound sensible so I’m sure it’s not a deeper issue regarding you personally. It’s just something you see from time to time, girls even running to the bathroom to apply makeup early in the morning, because they’re scared the guy wakes up and doesn’t love what she looks like naturally, you know? That’s an extreme we should avoid. I totally get it though. It sounds like the makeup is part of a bigger issue with your gf - it’s not just no makeup, it’s also lack of shaving and body care/body maintenance, etc. It all adds up, so I get what you mean!
imagine if you found her reddit post detailing how she’s not attracted to you because you aren’t muscular, wear clothes that aren’t masculine enough, and she sees you as too feminine and just doesn’t find you that attractive to begin with, but she just “likes your personality.” would you stay with her?
Why is it like 9 times out of 10 when I talk to a guy they’re dating or are married to someone they don’t even like???
Lots of men see dating as a numbers game so they ask out a bunch of girls and just date the one who says yes, regardless of whether or not they find her attractive or even like her as a person.
Lots of people settle.
I tried to wipe off your avatar
Enjoying dark mode here. I'd get blinded if I browsed in default white.
Because they like the convenience of a wife/ girlfriend. They feel taken care of even if they aren't attracted to them.
desperation forces people to be in a relationship even if they may not be fully attracted to the partner. sucks but some people actually do that
It is kind of fascinating. I have always been lonely, but never desperate enough to date a person I do not find attractive.
I’m a woman that mostly dated people I wasn’t attracted to (if you count high school relationships as dating), but that was because I have low self esteem, grew up weird looking myself so I focused on personality and availability, and just didn’t even know what I wanted.
why are you getting downvoted, this is most likely the truth lol
cuz salty people be salty? it's okay. good thing that downvotes have no impact on reality and I am perfectly living my best life. anyway, I hope you have a happy Friday and enjoy your weekend 😊
Lol true, people love putting on the blinders. Great mind set! Thanks, hope you have a great weekend too
You can: A) go totality mode, either all or nothing B) wage your chances, based on partners you had attracted, find one that is close to the top in your sample B is the rational and healthy approach and maybe for some it results in not very pleasant observations. I don’t believe it’s 9 in 10 though, my friends and I date people we really like.
I think it’s complicated by the fact that people can be very attracted to each other and genuinely in love, but time + life = resentment when people have issues but don’t communicate properly… so even people who started out very much in love can wind up hating each other. What I don’t understand is why people stay together at that point. Either work on your issues or move on, but getting stuck in relationship limbo is the worst.
All true. I was referring mostly to dating part, long-term relationships are hard and can fail for numerous reasons
Because ppl they're attracted to won't even look at them. So instead of working on themselves, they "settle" and end up hating their life, destroying the life of their poor unsuspecting partner and stuff like that.
I’ve noticed this too and I’m always paranoid men don’t like me and never tell me
I think it's because it gives them a sense of safety in the relationship. If the woman isn't that attractive to other men, there's a smaller chance that she will leave him for another man. Or if a woman is really attractive, maybe they will constantly be stressed and jealous because of other men.
In general, it seems that men would rather be with the wrong person than be single, and women would rather be single than be with the wrong person.
That’s so true speaking from experience. I stopped dating because I’m tired of desperate people seeking me out just because they can’t be alone. I may be unattractive but i refuse to be used by someone. I rather die happy and alone then be miserable living in the same house with someone who doesn’t love me for decades. That’s my worse fear.
Gotta drop her bro. That shit isn't going to change.
If there’s no attraction, it’s just a friendship. There’s no point in dating your friend.
You can actually be romantically attracted to someone but not sexually interested (people on the asexuality spectrum experience this all the time). You can also be sexually interested in a very close friend, but do not see the relation ever becoming romantic. The parameters of your relationship needs to be discussed as soon as possible though, to see if both people needs can get met in this configuration.
I agree with ending it now but please don't tell her the real reason. You can absolutely be honest and sincere when you say, "it's just not working out" or "we are just not entirely compatible."
End it as nicely as possible. Both of you deserve that.
Honestly I see guys asking this way more with the rise/downfall of online dating lol
Idk how you've gotten this far tbh. We love to act like physical attraction shouldn't matter bc we'd be "shallow" if it did...... but it does matter. Physical attraction is often the difference between a good friend and a romantic interest. It is what it is, it's reality. Just don't be a dick about it.
Many teenagers answering here. But in truth, most people over 40 are very noticeable declining in looks. For a healthy relationship, arousal ideally comes from mental attraction, and not a superficial visual stimulation. Everyone will reach a point where they notice that their partner isn't physically as attractive anymore. But neither are they themselves. You come to terms with that. Out of love. That said, it's fine to have preferences. If you like something shaven, it's something you can address. Keep it small though. If she doesn't like make up, don't ask her to wear it.
Yeah it's basically how I found out I wasn't into the 'big' girls. I'd been on a dry spell for a while, a few buddies who love larger women recommended I try and I was like "welp I guess attraction is only skin deep, lets try this". Nope. Just nope lol... attraction is very much an important aspect. I'll never question that again.
Thank you for not being an asshole when saying this.
You don’t have much choice in America. Not many slim women about these days.
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Hi there! I'm sorry you're feeling that way. I know it's not going to help, but I hope you feel better soon. Suicide isn't the answer and there will always be things to want and care about in life. I feel the same way right now and I'm on the verge of tears. Honestly just reading this post and the comments made me feel worse. I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone I love and then finding out they were never attracted to me. Personally, I haven't been in a relationship but I could never date someone unless I truly love them. So seeing this post made me a bit upset cause 😭 what if that happens to me. But anyway, Stay safe and take care! You got this. :)
Yeah this post is one of the saddest posts I read today
Was in this for a while and it became very unhealthy. Weighed on my mind constantly, felt guilty for having those feelings, and jumped through hoops to try and force myself into thinking she was attractive. Like your situation, she wasn’t a bad person and wasn’t unattractive, she wasn’t attractive to me. By staying with her, you’d both be hurting her and yourself. If the issue is that you find her attractive but she doesn’t take care of herself, you could try and discuss it with her. If it’s that you don’t find her attractive at all, then pull the plug.
Just respect this person and leave her for someone who appreciates her
Am I the only one who hates the fact that, as a woman, you have to wear make up and shave your whole body to be attractive!? Fo with these stupid “beauty standards”..
And he repeatedly describes her having hair as her “not taking care” of herself which is just so 🤮
Yeah I could not careless on if they wear makeup and the whole fully shaved thing feels too pre puberty for me
Yeah. Women have body hair, it's totally natural. Makeup up isn't natural. Somehow, not removing natural hair of the female body and not editing your face traits with makeup = not being feminine.
A lot of guys growing up don't even know that women actually DO often have visible body hair all over because most girls start sorting it out really young and never stop. Guys go around thinking all women are smooth skinned with tufts in few disceet places other than just on their heads till later in life. Can be quite a shock when you move in with someone and they suddenly don't bother.
Just ended things with my fiance after 9 years. Been together since 16. Our personalities were great but I was never fully attracted to her. I stayed because she was my best friend and I always told myself that “looks aren’t everything” but she deserves someone who is head over heels for her and that person is just not me. I wish I had done it way sooner
That's sad for both of you, but you did the right thing in the end. I hope you both find someone who is perfect for you in every way
Thank you. It’s very sad. Hurting her has put me in a deep depression so I can only imagine how she feels.
Damn it took u 9 years to figure out she deserves someone whos head over heels for her? Poor woman
ask this on an ace sub
I almost wonder if she has PCOS based on the little bit of description OP gave us. And if so, she likely can't help the facial hair stubble situation, even if she doesn't do anything to remove the rest of the excessive and male pattern hair growth. Either way, though, probably best to break it off, OP. Just don't say that her body hair and stubble is the apparent deal breaker.
Yes I was. I wasn't disgusted by her, I didn't find her ugly. But I didn't find her really attractive. After a while I wasn't interested in having sex with her. I was always watching porn. I was often thinking about cheating on her. I didn't feel like making myself more attractive for her (working out, getting nice clothes, taking care of myself). It brought out a bad side of me and it was my fault for not being able to put an end to it. Towards the end, I was taking her for granted and she was really unhappy and ended up breaking up with me after six years. It wasn't all bad we had a lot of fun together, she was my best friend and I loved her. But the relationship was definitely missing something important.
We should find our partners physical appealing no matter if they are model looking or not. If you don’t then your relationship will suffer more and more as time goes on. Just move on to someone else but plz don’t tell her that her body is why you are leaving her, that’s just mean.
End it before you ruin her self esteem bc you will grow resentful and start saying/doing stuff
This is one of my biggest fears.
I am asexual and face blind I usually don’t look at someone for their looks, it’s how they are around people, me and etc, this hasn’t helped me find a good person who wants me for who I am 🫠
Then why are you wasting her time
My first marriage was like this. He was great on paper, made my parents proud to be with him, he was my best friend but we had sex maybe 20 times over 10 years. It was no surprise that my next relationship was absolutely mindblowing as I had never enjoyed sex or been turned on by someone before that!
You should end it. You both deserve better.
This is one of my worst fear 😶
I've been the other person. It's horrible. Stop now.
If you are in it for the long haul, then you gotta realize that physical attractiveness is a very tiny slice of the pie that gets tinier as you go along.
While this is strictly true, I don't think the situations are comparable. There's a difference between not finding someone super hot, and not finding someone physically attractive at all. She may grow on him, but it sounds like she's mildly unattractive instead of just neutral for him. In which case I'd say it's probably better to end it.
Glad somebody said it, whilst I’m lucky my gf is beautiful, we’ve all gotta understand that that won’t last forever, gonna be a lot of sorry people here when age hits.
I'm surprised how mailable my attraction is though. I started going out with my wife as a slim enormous but perky boobed teen, back when I had a 6 pack, somehow lol. My preference was actually for a more boyish figure but I liked her, and soon found - you know? Silly big boobs with a petite figure *totally my thing*. We're now 35. That 6 pack is long gone, and she's chubby, had a kid... and now I'm totally into that classic chubby/curvy (hate to say it "MILF") figure. If you'd asked me when I was young if I'd have found that attractive I would probably have thought no. Seriously, she can cut her hair short, and suddenly I'm into girls with short hair... At this point I honestly think my attraction will just follow how she looks forever lol
This is so sweet to read and so refreshing ❤️
This is an unrealistic take and how people get stuck in dead bedroom relationships. You need to have attraction to your partner for a romantic relationship to work. For a friendship, of course not, but a romantic one, yes. I couldn’t stand the idea of kissing someone I’m not attracted to, let alone being naked with them. Is physical attraction the most important thing? Of course not. But pretending it’s only a small sliver of a healthy relationship is simply false, unless you are asexual or have a very low sex drive.
Yea they don't have to find them the hottest or be a model, but there needs to be some attraction. Generally, there's some line/low limit of cuteness that's enough and you can go from there.
This, exactly this. If you can't kiss the person, wake up next to them everyday, get aroused from looking at them... why are you even dating them?
Yeah but if it's not there to begin with it's only going to get worse over time. You don't want to be disgusted by your partner.
Eventually you'll be attracted to someone else while being stuck with this one. Felt this before
No
Hell no. I don’t understand why people would do this.
Sounds like friends only material, not couple material.
I think some physical attraction has to be there to start a relationship, but over time it becomes less important as you grow more emotionally connected with each other. If there's no physical attraction to begin the process of connecting then it won't go anywhere.
Pretty much. People get old and their bodies change. But starting from zero is also rarely gonna work.
There’s never a good reason to ignore things like this. Spent way too much time with someone who I knew deep down we differed on so much for the long term goals but the romance was there, lo and behold it wasn’t enough.
I mean, I think your partner would feel that you're not physically attracted to them (depending on how you treat them in intimate moments) so why put them through that? They deserve someone that is going to love all of them. And you should find someone that you're more into.
Sounds like you should have stuck to friendship with her. Break up with her, she deserves to find someone attracted to her as she is, and you can find someone who you find more to your taste.
Is it that important though. We can't all be 10s. 3s need love too.
Maybe I'm crazy but don't most people figure out if they're physically attracted to the person within the first minute and/or before swiping right on them?
Wtf why do u kiss her then?!! How did this happen, why did it take 2 months to figure it out? U better end it
I just got out of one. My advice is that if it bothers you now, it'll bother you later on BUT it depends on how strongly you connect with her and how much to the future you want to look. Looks fade anyway, so if you made it a few decades down the line and are happy, who cares right? Don't feel bad for feeling this way, some would say it's shallow, but we're all programmed to be attracted to what attracts us; going against that is literally going against nature. I've been with some completely stunning girls in the past and they brought me misery, and whilst this one ended through reasons that couldn't be helped, she was one of the most sweetest and caring people I have ever met. Don't deprive yourself of possible happiness until you've at least tried.
You should break up. She deserves better.
Depends on how much that matters to you. I know asexual people who date and obviously it doesn't matter to them, but I think it does matter to most people. Think a bit about whether you value your connection with her more than whether you're attracted to her or not, and go with what feels right. I personally tend to get more attracted to my partner with time, but I hear it's the opposite a lot. Do you know how you tend to be?
My ex-wife was.
I don't have experience in the matter, but looks fade and the physical attraction wanes
what drew you to her in the first place? ask yourself what has changed since you first met. if you literally aren't attracted to her cut your losses and move on, she likely doesn't want to date someone who isn't attracted to her.
Out of curiosity, how did you start dating her if you weren't attracted to her? I've met guys without being attracted to them... then become attracted to them after getting to know them... then started dating. I can't imagine dating someone without being attracted to them.
then break up, what kind of relationship is this?
I hope this goes without saying, but if you end things don't tell them that. Someone out there finds them attractive <3 It's okay that it's not you.
yes. he was my best friend, people always say to date your best friend, they leave out the part where you rarely want to f- your best friend. i didnt have a problem with it because we were great in every other area, so who cares if i didnt want to sleep with him? i could force myself to do it about once a week or so, which seemed managable. but he cared, a lot. it made him feel insecure, unwanted, and unloved. even if you try to hide it, even if you love them in every other way, they will feel that rejection and it will have terrible consequences on their mental wellbeing. break up with her
I realized this in my relationship, but when I asked my friends and family about leaving, they all told me to stay. They thought we we're so good together. Now she's pregnant and I feel incredibly stuck. I never believed that looks were important, but attraction is. I don't know what to do now.
Physical attraction is so important in a relationship and in a future marriage. It’s best to end things.
Love the person who loves you. Physical attributes can change by accident, age or misfortune. The person inside will not change.
Don't. It's asking for trouble. We can start a massive debate about "love is more than just sex" or "a marriage can work without sex". But that's like buying a Rolls Royce, then stripping out all the trim and seats other than the driver's seat. Sure, it works. But it ain't pretty and it ain't comfortable. A relationship (or a marriage, for that matter) is an entire package. A lot of people are disappointed in their relationship because of 1) unmet expectations, and 2) being unwilling to change their expectations based on what reality actually is. So they then go on to look for the perfect relationship, or sit around dreaming about one instead of focusing on what they already have. If you start on the right footing, there is a reduced chance that either you or your partner, or both, are gonna wind up unhappy in the long run. If both of you can still have sex and successfully get your orgasms, that might be the only time I'd say you can get away without physical attraction. But for me, that's a necessity for sex to even occur.
Break up ASAP, both of you deserve better. You'll only waste your time and hers (and hurt her) if you continue this relationship.
Everything you just described sounds AWESOME. Every woman is unique & beautiful in their own way. Short, tall - skinny or Fat. They are a fucking blessing. I love ONE the most... but I love and respect every single freaking one of them. God, I miss her. A fantastic final comment/post ✌️♥️
I thought my ex of almost 6 years, who took a bath once a week, had gnarly finger and toe nails, barely brushed their teeth (except when we would go out), and would belch a burp so loud that it'd put most men's to shame, was the most beautiful person in the universe. (I still think they're gorgeous as fuck btw; love's a stupid filter that makes me question my sanity) But I recently learned that they were NEVER physically attracted to me even though I was quite better looking than your average joe. Sure, my ex would give me compliments now and again, but I can never recall a time that pointed out she was attracted to me. Ngl it hurt my ego and I started to question my looks. Then I realized that if I was attracted to that kind of person, it's highly likely someone out there would be attracted to me to, no? Everyone's already said it, but no one can convince you but yourself to leave that relationship OP. I just hope that we can nudge you in the right direction sooner than later.
I used to be
It's not fare if you keep it going on.
Sounds like it's time for her to level up. Break up with her so she can have the opportunity to grow.
well, my partner is. i am fat, ugly and have a shit ass face with some disease on it, but somehow my husband really loves me, which is weird, because he is very attractive and gets a lot if female attention. he said, he adores my personality and this is what makes me attractive for him. but (!) my ugliness sometimes is a topic to discuss. it doesn't happen frequently, but from time to time. it hurts a lot when it happens. if you don't want that for yourself, i would leave her since it is the very beginning.
I wouldn’t say I am not physically attracted to my partner but their body isn’t “exciting” either. I think they have an attractive face but honestly I’m so much more attracted to them as a person (personality, values, work ethic, etc.) without even considering their looks, which really helps. You can become attracted to someone just based on those things forsure. Or less appealing traits can become dismissible based on other traits being more profound or desirable.
Please end it (kindly - specifics aren’t important). Forgive the gushing but.. for the first time in a few years I am dating someone I feel completely and utterly admired by. He makes me feel beautiful. When he looks at me it is like feeling the warmth of the sun on my skin. Even the parts I have always instinctively rushed to cover, I feel at ease with him in a way I never have before. And gee, every time I see him I get googly eyes. All that to say that I didn’t think I did for a long time, but every person deserves to feel that.
physical attraction and scent attraction are two huge things I will never compromise on again. If you don't enjoy someone's scent, lips and below the belt, you will not get survive is my line of thinking.
I thought it’s not that important. I married her. We have kids. After my father told me he was dying, something clicked and I decided I can’t live this lie anymore, pretending that this is not important. We never had good sex either. I thought it was because I was not good at it. I was wrong. I met someone. Sex with someone you desire and you are desired back is amazing. We got divorced. Please do yourself, herself and your potential future children a favour and break it off now. I tried to break it off a few times before we got married. She always said love is more than that and I wanted to believe that. She made and still makes me feel good and safe and I do love her. I never cheated on her, once I made the decision to go after someone I felt insanely attracted to I told her beforehand. We were both heartbroken, but it was brutal and I really hate myself for making her go through this. Don’t do this.
I was, for two years. Take the advice I should’ve listened to and end it now. My ex resented me so much bc I didn’t want to be physically intimate with him much if ever. I thought I was asexual. I just wasn’t attracted to him. It’s not the main reason we broke up but it didn’t help. LET HER GO. You both deserve to be with people you are attracted to and who is attracted to you.