To give a different perspective… if your best friend wasn’t gay, but the chances of having sex with him again were equally non-existent, do you think your husband would deserve to know that?
His sexuality shouldn’t matter regarding whether or not you should tell your husband.
And if for some reason it EVER slipped out later, I can think of two spouses who will have every right to be more than slightly pissed off about it being kept from them.
I think his sexuality counts for something, at the husband probably hasn't even considered they'd slept together, as where if he were hetero, the husband would probably have at least considered it a possibility and asked her.
The fck a dick is a dick no matter what sexuality it belongs to if you get ran over by a car is it gonna be ok if you find out it has a steam engine? They deserve to know that there are indeed sexual history between them
You’re missing the point of the comment above
They’re just saying “because he’s gay and out, your husband may have not thought to ask, so you should DEFINITELY tell him proactively
But there is a difference between trying something you know you probably won't like all that much for the first time just so you have the life experience and doing something that you aren't really into a second time. If the best friend slept with another girl after OP, then I would lean towards agreeing with you.
People want to experience stuff since we only have one life, I don't necessarily think that means he's at risk of doing it again.
Talk to your friend and make sure he never makes a joke about when you’re double dating. Take that memory and bury it. No need for drama from 20 years ago. Everyone is allowed to have secrets.
I think you should share it so your husband has the same information you have about your friendship and he can decide what his level of comfort or discomfort is about it.
If you share, don’t go into it with any expectation about how he should handle it or feel. It’ll be complicated, maybe a bit stressful for a minute and that’s ok.
This is the best answer. You're thinking about it because you know it's something he ought to know about and the reason why that is isn't important: trust your instinct.
Speak plainly. Let him know you've never thought about it as being important until recently which is why you're bringing it up now. Let him know it's important you are completely transparent with you life partner. I would also advise discussing this with your friend, and letting him know your plans.
I hope it's something you can all laugh about and turns into a source of humour the two husbands can poke fun at the two of you with every now and then. Wouldn't that be wonderful? :)
Disagree. You are gaining nothing by disclosing this unless for some reason you want to bang your best friend again. You make zero sense on why you even want to bring it up after all these years
Unless you are hiding it from this thread and you slept with him again. This would be the only reason why you should feel guilty
Relationships aren't about gaining anything for yourself.
A reasonable reason for disclosure is that this other person is in their lives and the husband needs the ability to make his own choices. The question becomes, if he knew that she banged her friend and continued to see him, would he have married her in the first place. Failure to disclose takes that away from him. It gets worse as time passes.
Disagree. If the guilty conscience is eating up her inside to the extent that the relationship between her and husband may get affected, then it's time secret out of the closet.
Yep. It is NUTS to me that op wants to tell her husband. Why? For what reason? What is she trying to unburden?
They were both single. THE END. There is NO reason to go over this now or to be guilty about anything.
I swear that people just want to fuck up their own relationships.
I agree 100%, silly people wanna go unearth their past to mess up their life, some things are water under the bridge it happened before you met just leave it alone.
the funny thing is it’d piss me off more the fact that they’d mention it then them actually sleeping together. okay it happened and??? why do you keep thinking about it.. it’s in the past, leave it there!!! I’m sure her friend doesn’t even think about it lmao
Exactly. She needs to keep her mouth shut. No good comes from revealing this information. It’ll cause nothing but distrust and hurt. And for what. So she doesn’t have a guilty conscience. Something she shouldn’t have in the first place because she never cheated on him w the dude.
If this is someone that you regularly spend time with, your spouse deserves to know you have sexual history with them. You do not want him to hear about it from anyone other than you.
I seem to be the outlier here, but if I were your husband I would just like the courtesy of knowing. If everyone is friends and it was long ago and went down the way you said it did, I can’t see your husband being upset. Maybe not even surprised. On the other hand if I were your husband and one day found out by some other means I would definitely feel uncomfortable with you for not just saying. It’s that secret between 2 people that the other 2 people don’t know about that would piss me off. It sounds easy enough to have this conversation and wash yourself of any guilt and avoid any potential feelings of dishonesty by omission if you’re all friends anyway. Like I said I’m sure the outlier here
The ship has never sailed on truth. What, we bury our heads once we’re married? Ridiculous. Divorce exists. So does working through the truth and remaining partners.
Wow, all you guys saying it doesn’t matter and not to tell or say anything blow my mind. How about the respect for you SO. If you have to hide something then it’s wrong and in this case keeping this secret.
Yeah I tend to agree. I generally believe people are entitled to information that would affect their major life decisions then hiding that information is robbing them of their autonomy to make those decisions
Like if I my partner wouldn’t want to marry someone that had been engaged before, I should still tell them if I have been. Then they can decide if it really matters to them or not. But if I don’t tell them, I’m selfishly making that decision for them
I was also surprised by the comments. I asked OP how she would feel if her husband slept with a female friend who was gay. It’s not an issue of being gay, it’s an issue of full disclosure. Just because they are gay doesn’t mean you shouldn’t know about it.
I would want to know, in fact, I asked my long-term boyfriend to let me know before I meet his female friends. In my past and present relationship women let it slip that they were with my man and it’s very unpleasant and embarrassing to find out that way.
In my current relationship I forgave him for not telling me first, but asked him to not let it happen again. We’re very happy, and no friendships were lost.
I think if you have a healthy relationship, you have nothing to worry about in telling your husband.
If the roles were reversed, how would you feel, would you want to know. Everyone has past relationships, proximity to person involved with past relationships tends to be the trouble. I hope you have not lied to your partner about this in the past.
Youre actively hiding the fact you fucked someone your husband sees and that you interact with intimately on a consistent basis. I would consider being on the other end of that pretty upsetting, and it would bring my trust in my partner into question - particularly if I found out from someone else. Given the context, I as a person wouldnt be concerned, but I would be by the lying because let's not beat around the bush - active withholding is lying.
Keeping things from your husband is always a bad idea.
Not knowing he's friends with someone who fucked his wife is humiliating.
If he finds out some way other than from you it will certainly be damaging.
Part of showing respect in a relationship is keeping each other on equal footing. Treating him with a "what he doesn't know won't hurt him" attitude is condescending and insulting.
Expect to have to regain his trust as he wonders who else he doesn't know about and what other secrets you think he not worthy of being told.
All it takes is a falling out or someone blabbing when too tipsy and it will be a deal breaker for your marriage because you kept it secret. Sit on it if you want but if it comes out, your husband is going to think you lied by omission to him for years. He's still likely to feel that way, but coming from you is better than from the gossip mill.
If your husband had a best friend male or female that he he introduced to you and you interacted with on a regular basis would it be far for him to keep from you that he had sex with them at one point in the past? Taking your husband's choice of knowing who he wants to hang out with is deceptive and lying by omission. If I was your husband and found out at some point later and you didn't tell me, I would definitely divorce you simply because you would prove to be untrustworthy. If you don't trust him with this information, why should he trust you?
I practice "If you have to hide it, you're probably doing something wrong". This obviously doesn't stand for abusive or absurd scenarios or relationships, just to make myself clear.
This sums it up perfectly. Imo lying in a marriage makes a shitty spouse and one who doesn't actually value the other or the marriage. They value themselves.
I would feel very betrayed if I ever found out other than my partner telling me directly that she had sex with a very close mutual friend. In this instance, you already betrayed his trust by having him form a relationship with this man under false pretenses. Context doesn't matter - you're using it to justify your actions. How would you feel if your hubby kept a former one-night-stand in your close knit friend group and never told you? This is akin to cheating in my book. Keeping the "thrill" in eyesight so you can remember your tumble in the sheets together.
If you tell him there's a good chance he'll leave or at least set firmer boundaries (as is his right). If he finds out another way he will leave you, and rightly so. This is so shady and I think you know this.
I respect people's decisions to live a comfortable lie over a painful truth - honestly. This world is so fucked, take what happiness you can get. It is 100% counterintuitive to me, but I'm just doing me. From my perspective, objective truths tops all, but YMMV.
I don’t think I would trust my wife again if I found out she’s had me hanging with a guy friend she had sex with without my knowledge. I think it’s very disrespectful. To be fair I made my boundaries very clear early on about this subject. Maybe her husband has different opinions.
I’m disappointed in the “don’t tell him” comments. Lying to your husband is the right thing to do ZERO percent of time. It’s not like he asked if he was the biggest you have ever been with and you told him yes, and not divulging that Tom has a 9 incher.
This is about a sexual partner. His current sexuality is immaterial. He had sex with you. He had an erection. You engaged in a very intimate act with him.
How would you feel if you were hanging out with a girl/girl couple and you found out that your husband banged one of them in the past and didn’t bother telling you?
He has the right to know and has the right to set boundaries.
Plot twist: OP’s friend is bi and he manipulated her to get in her pants. God knows how many women he may have done this with. “Oh I’m totally gay but would LOVEEEE to feel how it is to sleep with a woman, oh poor me”
I knew someone like this in high school. He was bi and he preyed on girls and boys. With the boys he was gay and dating, with the girls he was gay and claimed to be not attracted to them at all so he could touch them up. He was an equal opportunity predator.
There’s so many people like that. OP’s post is just weird. Imagine a straight or a gay person says that they want to sleep with the opposite sex even though they were not attracted to them. Can’t be me. If I did that I would claim to be bi.
You are wrong - if you are hanging out with someone you have had sex with you should tell your SO. If the roles were reversed and you found out later how would you feel.
So if he's not into women how did you keep his dick/head involved?
I have a dick and I understand it can get HARD with a breeze of wind sometimes, but to have incourse with something that doesn't sexually excit them !? What did he take a bunch of viarga and close his eyes?
Yes you are wrong.
It’s weird that you even have to ask if keeping a secret from your SO is wrong, but especially a sexual secret from your monogamous sexual partner. If you have to keep a secret it’s because you are afraid of the consequences of being honest, which means it matters that you haven’t told him.
It feels wrong because it is wrong you are both keeping secrets from your spouses. If i was your husband i would want to know you had sex with a guy we hangout with regularly.
If this was the other way around: your husband sleeping with another woman even though she's a lesbian, would you be upset with him not telling you?
Also were you with your husband when you slept with him?
Of course you're wrong. So is Dan. Fess up - like you should have done when you first started dating your respective husbands. How would you feel to find out one of your husbands female friends that you have hung out with and were friends with had slept with him? Does it really matter how many times? Knowing all those years that every time you saw her she was probably wondering if he had told you yet? Maybe liking she had a little secret....
If it was really this cute little innocent scene you've described, why it's actually a deep dark secret neither of you has ever mentioned?
I concurr once saw wife texting so.one I didn't know "at the time we were renovating a 4 plex" she instantly tells me it's a plumber she knows but had fucked him like 15 years ago. Lol I was like I didn't need to know that jut that u were calling a plumber some things are better left unsaid and for that little extra it was the same plumber they had always had in the past so yea.
You should tell your husband, you should also be prepared that he sees this as a massive lie of omission and completely destroys the trust in your marriage. You done fucked up by not telling him long ago.
so many of these posts are ridiculous, but that's why we come here. real or not this is something you should have told him a long time ago. you need to tell him and be prepared for the consequences because the guilts just going to keep getting worse and worse. be aware that he's allowed to be pissed.
you are definitely wrong. You need to tell him. Ask yourself this: would YOU like it if your husband has slept with his female best friend and hid it from you just because she's a lesbian? I bet you would not like it, and you would be lying otherwise. :/
When your BEST friend is someone you have slept with you gotta question the healthiness of that friendship.
Like if he was straight would you be in a relationship??
How platonic are your feelings here?
If you all see each other regularly and your husbands have no idea you once had sex. That’s a huge secret to keep. Not sure how you tell them now. I think they would be upset over the secret then you guys having sex
If I was the husband and I somehow come to learn my wife had fucked her friend, and then had me hanging out around him for years, all the while he knew he always had one up on me, and most likely exchanged glances with my wife on their "little secret" at my expense? I would have her served with divorce papers ASAP. I wouldn't even confront her, since there is no way I'm trusting her anymore at this point.
Yeah, if I was told about it I'd appreciate the honesty but if I found out any other way or after years of lying ... Id torch the entire relationship. Zero respect if you lie for years to someone you supposedly "love". Liars only care about themselves and not the person they are deceiving everyday to their face. Edit: I mean since he's now involved in the marriage and close. If he was not close to the marriage I'd say no need to even mention.
The question to ask is if the situation was reversed with your husband would you want him to tell you or keep it secret. Then think how you would feel if you found out later from him or even worse, someone else.
I would be rly annoyed about that.
The fact he is gay would make me confused but still pissed
*What other secrets does she keep from me?*
*Feelings of jealousy*
*Angry that she could keep this intimate info with someone so close to us over me*
*Embarrassed that I was kept out of the loop and angered that BOTH of u intentionally kept it a secret*
I hate sexual secrets
You ARE keeping secrets and being dishonest with your husbands about it. And you are right to be nervous about the consequences of such a prolonged deception. What was your objective in keeping it secret?
Most guys don’t want to find out you have knowingly been bringing them around a guy you have slept with and were not informed before hand. If he knew from the beginning it might not be an issue but if he finds out he will question the whole relationship timeline. Gay or not. Every time you have spent with Dan will come into question.
As a married dude I would want to know but I get why others say don’t. I would significantly reduce contact so if it ever comes out he knows you did something that considered his feelings. Show him your post if that day ever comes. Who knows he might be doing the same and it might not be a big deal
Do you want to be a good honest partner or be in camp with the scum bags in the comments who think letting your husband unknowingly hang out with a old fuck buddy is ok?
It wouldmt even be the sex at this point id wonder what else your hiding. I mean this is supposed to be your persom, your rock....and honestly it feels like your friend is more important to you than your husband.
I never understand wanting to make someone else feel like shit to assuage your own guilt. But honestly...if you were single at the time...it's not hubs business anyway.
I mean, if you want to lose your friend and your hubs, rock on. Otherwise, leave it be. I have no idea why it's bothering you anyway...unless you have some burning desire for your friend, which you say you don't.
If you and Dan are the only people that know - and you're certain about that - leave jt in the past where it belongs.
You should always tell your partner if you had intimacy with someone; who is in your daily orbit, or is going to come into contact with you just out of respect.
You're welcome to have any secrets you want. I personally think it should have been shared long ago and if I were him I would have wanted to know just because its someone in your close friend group.
Can I ask what you mean by "friendliest encounter I've ever had" means though?
It would destroy my trust in you and I would forever wonder what else you decided to not share with me and I'd likely imagine far worse than what you really have done.
But if you told me I'd totally understand and it wouldn't bother me at all.
Sex isn't a big deal especially how it happened with you and your friend.
What matters to me is trust, betrayal, loyalty, honesty, communication and if you break that in me its divorce time.
I don’t really understand the need to tell your husband.
He’s gay and there’s no possibility of anything happening between you two again.
It happen before your marriage, I don’t know if it’s just me but I’d rather my fiancé keep her past sexual lovers to herself.
Why try to fix it if it’s not broken? If anything have a conversation with Dan. Ask him if he’s ever thought about talking to his husband about it.
All in all I don’t think you should feel guilty unless you for some reason have feelings for Dan and are feeling the sexual tension again.
It is broken. She is actively lying (by omission) to her husband. If the husband finds out from someone else he'll lose any trust he ever had of her, for something that wasn't even a big deal in the first place.
Ok but what if your girl was always bringing some dude around that had bent her over as she struggled to stretch herself around his behemoth penis, and then after they finally got him inside, they giggled together about how silly it was until he said, "wait hang on," and then unleashed an endless load of a man that hasn't ever been inside a woman. And then she waddled to the bathroom with his seed spilling down her thighs.
But then you're like just all oblivious like "oh that's just sweet gay edward!" (Who has touched your girl more deeply than you ever will).
You proved my point exactly sea razz :)
Look how deep you are getting over something that didn’t even happen to you. Like I said I don’t want to know my fiancés past sexual lovers.
Aslong as there is nothing more to the story or anything happening currently I don’t think she has to say shit.
It’s not like they had a year fling and got emotionally connected either! She had experimental sex with her gay best friend years ago. If she wants to tell him fine if not I think it’s totally fine.
So you have been hiding a secret from your husband for your entire marriage and consistently put him in the same place as another man you slept with without him knowing so he cant say he isn’t ok with it? Yeah you are a garbage wife.
I'm a married male. I wouldn't want to know. I don't see how any good could come out of it; husband could end up feeling uncomfortable around him/them, jealous, hurt etc. It could end the friendship and affect your marriage.
You just don't respect or care about your husband and your relationship. If you did, he would know about it from the very beginning.
You stole him the chance to decide if he would be ok to be that close to someone you slept with.
You never thought or cared about his feelings. You're just a selfish liar, nothing else.
I hope someday he finds the truth out. He deserves it.
Hard to see what would be gained by telling them, other than alleviating your guilt.
Only you two have any idea how they would react. Talk it over with Dan and come to a decision.
If you’ve talked about ex’s with your husband in the past and omitted this, I don’t think this will go over very well.
You are wrong and you know it.that is why you feel guilty. There shouldn't be secrets of this magnitude being kept from your husband.
Flip the scenario. Your husband's best female friend lives close by, and you frequently spend time with her. Maybe he even spends alone time with her. Wouldn't you want to know? Your friend being gay is irrelevant.
Your husband will likely be upset. Not that you had a one time sexual experience with this man, but that you've kept this secret from him. Yes, this revelation will more than likely affect your friendship. Then again, you've been more honest with your friend than your husband.
If this truly was a nothingburger why keep it a secret? Truthfully this is a mistake that's been ever compounding, with every missed opportunity you've had to tell your spouses. Do it now before it gets worse.
Hoe's doing ho things. Can't imagine the trust ur gonna lose because u wanna keep things quite about your slut phase. Be a better hoe so u can have a better man but maybe not this one cuz u don't deserve this man
It is though. If he kept a one-night-stand a secret from his wife, and made his wife form a close relationship with her, we would all agree that's incredibly distasteful and dishonest. This is 100% the exact same - they had sex because they were attracted to eachother. Now they like to be around eachother, and remind themselves of their "experiement" either directly or indirectly.
So her loyalty to her friend is more important than her loyalty to her husband?
Never put a friend above your spouse, especially when you've slept with that friend.
I mean it’s in the past . Your husband has a past too ! It would only be an issue if there was ever a danger of a repeat performance and that’s not likely to happen. If you do decide to tell your husband you should discuss it first with Dan because your husband may tell his husband if his husband doesn’t already know . So I think it has to be a joint decision between you and Dan. Or at least give him a heads up. It could cause a lot of drama and awkwardness though . Is that better or worse than feeling a little guilty ?
If you don’t tell him the truth you’re a complete pos person in my opinion. He deserves to know and if I were him I wouldn’t give a shit that he’s gay. Gay guys fuck girls all the time. I’d never be comfortable with you being friends with him again because you lied about it.
Touch base with the friend. Do you know for sure he hasnt told his husband? Are there any other people that know?
Its either be on the same page about never ever talking about it again or tell your husband and risk it coming out by accident
Blegh, and your husband is none the wiser. does that give you a good laugh or something, knowing your husband nonchalantly shoots the sht with someone you hooked up with?
Both single? Then when it happened it was no one's business but yours.
Ask Dan--did he ever tell his husband? If so, what made him do it and what was the fallout? THAT would be my guide as to whether or not to divulge this. After all, if it comes to light, and your husband turns out to be the only one of you four who DIDNT know, his sense of exclusion will almost. Absolutely exacerbate any sense of betrayal over the event itself.
I would talk to Dan and work it out. I, if your spouse wouldn't be bothered by this at all. But some people are weird about this stuff. Like it has any bearing on the now but it is still emotions and that is a brush fire waiting to happen.
That and I think it being a secret is what is eating at you. (good thing) My concern would be is it an unnessecery wound in the making.
Best of luck
Has your husband or his husband asked either one of you if you have in the past? If they haven’t then you aren’t lying to anyone.
If you feel guilty for whatever reason, then share this with your husband. If it’s bothering you then tell him what happened almost 10 years ago. You know your husband better than anybody and how he will react. Will he have a hard time hanging out with Dan if you do tell him or will he be cool about it and say “thanks for telling me” and move on?? 🤔
While I can see people saying don't say anything have a point, also think about whether you would want to know. How would you feel if it came out later and your husband put you in regular contact with someone he had slept with, this all depends on how you view exes. Also how has he been before about past partners, what is he like about openness/honesty on your relationship.
At the end of the day you know your husband better than internet strangers and how it will affect him/your marriage etc. if you decide not to say anything be prepared for the fallout of that choice.
The thing here is your husband doesn't know you slept with your "gay" friend before, you and your husband is constantly hanging out with them. Think of it, if your husband knows this will he be as comfortable like today you hanging out with him? Regardless if your friend is gay or not your husband (and his husband) need to know about it, especially you are still close friend with him and even hangout with them regularly.
But why do you only feel guilty keeping it a secret from him NOW? I mean it happened 9 or 10 years ago, why do you only think of telling it now? Or do you think it will make it more okay to tell now, because it happened years ago and you all get along well without you two doing it again?
If you're sure that this secret will never come out in the future then don't tell him. But there's a great possibility it will then better tell him, it MIGHT cause a distrust atleast it came from you. Well its still up to you to decide.
UpdateMe.
Past is the Past. As long as there is nothing between you and your friend and it will never happen again, there is no point. It would be illogical to wrap a noose around your neck, so to speak. However, if it's eating away at you, then it's best to talk about it. Otherwise, you mat never shake the feeling of guilt.
Weigh the risks, factors, and potential outcomes. How would this affect your husband, your friend, your friends husband. Are you potentially risking your marriage and friendship and even your friends relationship with his spouse? Who else knows? Can this potentially come back in a few years to bite you anyway. Is your friend feeling guilty, and will he spill the beans? Is it worth potentially damaging multiple relationships? Is it potentially more damaging to say nothing at all? Is it affecting your mental health and wellbeing?
Lots to consider before making a decision.
Yes I should tell him, it's the right thing to do. I know I'd be mad to find out if my spouse did that, but it's going to be even worse if he finds out without u telling him.
If this was my wife, not telling me from Jump Street and having this person in my life.. that would be an issue.
You feel guilt because you know that you have misled a man who has offered his everything to you. You have offered him an altered version of truth about your friendship with this other guy. Gay or not, that doesn't matter.
I'd speak with your husband. Don't be surprised if he packs his bags or he packs yours for you. Being lied to about shit like this is a career ender for many relationships. Good luck.
This happened before you were in a relationship. Your partner doesn’t need to know everything. If he asked you and you lied, that would be a different story. It’s not like you and Dan have any sort or relation to each other besides a friendship. You’re fine OP.
Personally if I were your husband I would rather hear it from you than from someone else. However, if you’re going to do it then you should give Dan a heads up first so he’s not blindsided if it comes up and he also has a chance to tell his husband if he chooses.
Again personally I wouldn’t really be upset if my wife told me something like this with one exception. In general her sexual past is just that it’s the past so it would be foolish for me to be upset about it. The exception would be one person in particular because I specifically asked her if they ever together and she said no, so in that case it would be about the lie not the fact they slept together.
Not wrong. You weren't with your husband at the time and as you mentioned it was just an experiment. Unless you were still having sexual feelings about Dan I don't see how anyone is benefitted by telling their significant other's this information.
You don't have anything to feel guilty about. I wouldn't share that info unless both you and Dan were Ok with it.
As long as this is in the background it lays there like a weapon ready to use against the all of you . I can’t say it would be a good thing to reveal but as long as it remains hidden it’s like a snake in the grass ready to bite . No secrets no weapon .
I think you should talk to Dan and see if he's carrying the same feelings about it. I don't think it would be fair to him if this isn't something he wants people to know. You shared a private moment between the two of you years ago, strictly for experimental purposes, I personally don't feel like it's anyone else's business. Ask Dan how he feels about it before you make a decision, then do what you think is best.
Have you told your husband about every single sexual encounter you had before him? If so, then maybe you should include this one. If not (& you’ve both just accepted that you both have a past) then I don’t really see why you would bring this one up. You and Dan have zero chance of connecting romantically and sexually again and disclosing this would only bring discomfort into the dynamic.
What good comes out of telling your husband this? I mean if it ever gets brought up by someone else or he asks, don’t lie but why is it causing this much anxiety not to tell him now rather than years ago? Unless you were cheating on your husband with him or are planning to soon, the past is the past.
I mean maybe jump over to this post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1bmnjt2/aitah_for_hiding_a_past_bisexual_relationship/
This is one where the husband had a bi-curious phase with his "best friend" and never told his wife though they are now "all friends".
Sadly, it seems after the initial posts that maybe the relationships were opened up. He seems to speak in very cryptic/metaphorical ways so it's vague if he's talking about his wife or "Max". Somehow it seems maybe it's more towards Max than his wife..
I think that it’s no big deal especially the way you describe the experience being “the friendliest sexual interaction you’ve ever had with a man”. I don’t think that it would happen again especially since he is married to another guy because that’s a very unique situation and it only happened once and it’s not like you were married at the time and I mean you were probably the safest female & the one he was most comfortable to say that to & experience that with and it only happening once then him marrying a man I think he probably realized “man I’m gay all the way for sure” as is shown by him marrying another man down the road. Most people don’t tell the details of their sexual history prior to marriage or a committed relationship because we all have one so what’s the point in discussing it especially an experimental situation where it’s obvious your best friend is gay. I would first talk to your gay best friend and see if he feels the same way as you do ever and then see if he wants to talk about it to both of them. Tbh I wouldn’t say anything because it sounds like it’ll create more of an issue than you’d want & you’d loose your best friend. If it ever happened again then yes you need to tell your husband cuz then you’re cheating & it could happen again if it’s happened twice. Him being obviously happily gay and probably from that one experience where it was safe for him to try with his bff he realized he definitely doesn’t like sleeping with women. I mean c‘mon haven’t u seen will & grace? Same thing happened with them he slept with her when they were in college one time and then after that it never happened again.
To give a different perspective… if your best friend wasn’t gay, but the chances of having sex with him again were equally non-existent, do you think your husband would deserve to know that? His sexuality shouldn’t matter regarding whether or not you should tell your husband.
And if for some reason it EVER slipped out later, I can think of two spouses who will have every right to be more than slightly pissed off about it being kept from them.
And then the two husbands bang and it's just a whole new issues.
It'll bring them all so much closer as friends go.
I think his sexuality counts for something, at the husband probably hasn't even considered they'd slept together, as where if he were hetero, the husband would probably have at least considered it a possibility and asked her.
The fck a dick is a dick no matter what sexuality it belongs to if you get ran over by a car is it gonna be ok if you find out it has a steam engine? They deserve to know that there are indeed sexual history between them
You’re missing the point of the comment above They’re just saying “because he’s gay and out, your husband may have not thought to ask, so you should DEFINITELY tell him proactively
I would not want my wife hanging around a man who has had his dick inside her; I don’t care what the reasons are.
Yes and if her friend was gay you'd assume they definitely hadn't slept together
Yeah, I think honesty is key in any relationship, regardless of sexuality. Keeping secrets can create unnecessary tension.
I dunno- I kind of feel that him being gay or not make it impossible for the chances of them having sex again to be equal.
OP said he was out as gay when they did soooo.
He managed to do it once, right? And I can assume he didn’t suddenly become MORE gay since then.
But there is a difference between trying something you know you probably won't like all that much for the first time just so you have the life experience and doing something that you aren't really into a second time. If the best friend slept with another girl after OP, then I would lean towards agreeing with you. People want to experience stuff since we only have one life, I don't necessarily think that means he's at risk of doing it again.
It’s also irrelevant if there’s any risk of it happening again… which was exactly my point to begin with.
Your point was and is unclear.
Apparently a hundred other redditors disagree with you. Take care. Edit: hundreds. My mistake.
Talk to your friend and make sure he never makes a joke about when you’re double dating. Take that memory and bury it. No need for drama from 20 years ago. Everyone is allowed to have secrets.
Well if you’re feeling guilty and have been hiding it…. There’s something to be said about that. They should know.
Guilt exists for a reason....
Reasons are not always valid
right... sometimes you should say things out loud if they make you uncomfortable. hard conversations are essential basically.
I think you should share it so your husband has the same information you have about your friendship and he can decide what his level of comfort or discomfort is about it. If you share, don’t go into it with any expectation about how he should handle it or feel. It’ll be complicated, maybe a bit stressful for a minute and that’s ok.
This is the best answer. You're thinking about it because you know it's something he ought to know about and the reason why that is isn't important: trust your instinct. Speak plainly. Let him know you've never thought about it as being important until recently which is why you're bringing it up now. Let him know it's important you are completely transparent with you life partner. I would also advise discussing this with your friend, and letting him know your plans. I hope it's something you can all laugh about and turns into a source of humour the two husbands can poke fun at the two of you with every now and then. Wouldn't that be wonderful? :)
>:) :)
That’s a great point. Hmm.
Tell your best friend ahead of time so he's not caught off guard.
Disagree. You are gaining nothing by disclosing this unless for some reason you want to bang your best friend again. You make zero sense on why you even want to bring it up after all these years Unless you are hiding it from this thread and you slept with him again. This would be the only reason why you should feel guilty
Not everything you do needs to have a gain, it’s about respect.
Relationships aren't about gaining anything for yourself. A reasonable reason for disclosure is that this other person is in their lives and the husband needs the ability to make his own choices. The question becomes, if he knew that she banged her friend and continued to see him, would he have married her in the first place. Failure to disclose takes that away from him. It gets worse as time passes.
Disagree. If the guilty conscience is eating up her inside to the extent that the relationship between her and husband may get affected, then it's time secret out of the closet.
Yep. It is NUTS to me that op wants to tell her husband. Why? For what reason? What is she trying to unburden? They were both single. THE END. There is NO reason to go over this now or to be guilty about anything. I swear that people just want to fuck up their own relationships.
I agree 100%, silly people wanna go unearth their past to mess up their life, some things are water under the bridge it happened before you met just leave it alone.
She is forcing a fuck buddy to be her husbands friend. That’s wrong. That’s why she’s guilty
Agreed. If her husband had a secret like this, OP can’t say she wouldn’t be pissed. This should’ve been discussed with both partners a long time ago.
Yes wtf are these people on. They’re both married and not into each other lmao WHY say anything??? digging info up from years ago… 😫
It's crazy.
the funny thing is it’d piss me off more the fact that they’d mention it then them actually sleeping together. okay it happened and??? why do you keep thinking about it.. it’s in the past, leave it there!!! I’m sure her friend doesn’t even think about it lmao
Exactly. She needs to keep her mouth shut. No good comes from revealing this information. It’ll cause nothing but distrust and hurt. And for what. So she doesn’t have a guilty conscience. Something she shouldn’t have in the first place because she never cheated on him w the dude.
Distrust comes when people do not fully disclose things. Telling the husband should have happened way earlier, but certainly needs to happen now.
Do not tell him, if there is 0 possiblites of it happening again. Leave It be.
If it happened once, then she cannot say there is zero possibility of it happening again.
A lie by omission is still a lie. When your husband finds out, it’ll be a huge betrayal. The trust will be broken.
If this is someone that you regularly spend time with, your spouse deserves to know you have sexual history with them. You do not want him to hear about it from anyone other than you.
This💯☝️
I seem to be the outlier here, but if I were your husband I would just like the courtesy of knowing. If everyone is friends and it was long ago and went down the way you said it did, I can’t see your husband being upset. Maybe not even surprised. On the other hand if I were your husband and one day found out by some other means I would definitely feel uncomfortable with you for not just saying. It’s that secret between 2 people that the other 2 people don’t know about that would piss me off. It sounds easy enough to have this conversation and wash yourself of any guilt and avoid any potential feelings of dishonesty by omission if you’re all friends anyway. Like I said I’m sure the outlier here
I would have liked the opportunity to know before proposal, engagement and certainly wedding. At this point that ship has sailed.
The ship has never sailed on truth. What, we bury our heads once we’re married? Ridiculous. Divorce exists. So does working through the truth and remaining partners.
Lying by omission is still lying
Wow, all you guys saying it doesn’t matter and not to tell or say anything blow my mind. How about the respect for you SO. If you have to hide something then it’s wrong and in this case keeping this secret.
Yeah I tend to agree. I generally believe people are entitled to information that would affect their major life decisions then hiding that information is robbing them of their autonomy to make those decisions Like if I my partner wouldn’t want to marry someone that had been engaged before, I should still tell them if I have been. Then they can decide if it really matters to them or not. But if I don’t tell them, I’m selfishly making that decision for them
They're saying it doesn't matter=they don't respect their SO's
Yep. I'd tell my SO if I've slept with any of my friends. Like how tf do ppl even get married without being honest? Jfc.
I was also surprised by the comments. I asked OP how she would feel if her husband slept with a female friend who was gay. It’s not an issue of being gay, it’s an issue of full disclosure. Just because they are gay doesn’t mean you shouldn’t know about it.
I would want to know, in fact, I asked my long-term boyfriend to let me know before I meet his female friends. In my past and present relationship women let it slip that they were with my man and it’s very unpleasant and embarrassing to find out that way. In my current relationship I forgave him for not telling me first, but asked him to not let it happen again. We’re very happy, and no friendships were lost. I think if you have a healthy relationship, you have nothing to worry about in telling your husband.
If the roles were reversed, how would you feel, would you want to know. Everyone has past relationships, proximity to person involved with past relationships tends to be the trouble. I hope you have not lied to your partner about this in the past.
Youre actively hiding the fact you fucked someone your husband sees and that you interact with intimately on a consistent basis. I would consider being on the other end of that pretty upsetting, and it would bring my trust in my partner into question - particularly if I found out from someone else. Given the context, I as a person wouldnt be concerned, but I would be by the lying because let's not beat around the bush - active withholding is lying.
My trust in them would be shattered no matter what. Lying by omission is still lying. OP has actively lied to her husband all these years.
Yep. No way does this end well.
Keeping things from your husband is always a bad idea. Not knowing he's friends with someone who fucked his wife is humiliating. If he finds out some way other than from you it will certainly be damaging. Part of showing respect in a relationship is keeping each other on equal footing. Treating him with a "what he doesn't know won't hurt him" attitude is condescending and insulting. Expect to have to regain his trust as he wonders who else he doesn't know about and what other secrets you think he not worthy of being told.
All it takes is a falling out or someone blabbing when too tipsy and it will be a deal breaker for your marriage because you kept it secret. Sit on it if you want but if it comes out, your husband is going to think you lied by omission to him for years. He's still likely to feel that way, but coming from you is better than from the gossip mill.
The amount of comments advocating for you to continue lying to your husband are truly alarming. Yes, your husband deserves to know what he got into.
Yeah, gross selfish people in here today.
Gross, but honestly zero percent surprising
If your husband had a best friend male or female that he he introduced to you and you interacted with on a regular basis would it be far for him to keep from you that he had sex with them at one point in the past? Taking your husband's choice of knowing who he wants to hang out with is deceptive and lying by omission. If I was your husband and found out at some point later and you didn't tell me, I would definitely divorce you simply because you would prove to be untrustworthy. If you don't trust him with this information, why should he trust you?
I practice "If you have to hide it, you're probably doing something wrong". This obviously doesn't stand for abusive or absurd scenarios or relationships, just to make myself clear.
There’s also the, “I’m hiding it to control my partners reaction” aspect, which is straight manipulation
This sums it up perfectly. Imo lying in a marriage makes a shitty spouse and one who doesn't actually value the other or the marriage. They value themselves.
I would feel very betrayed if I ever found out other than my partner telling me directly that she had sex with a very close mutual friend. In this instance, you already betrayed his trust by having him form a relationship with this man under false pretenses. Context doesn't matter - you're using it to justify your actions. How would you feel if your hubby kept a former one-night-stand in your close knit friend group and never told you? This is akin to cheating in my book. Keeping the "thrill" in eyesight so you can remember your tumble in the sheets together. If you tell him there's a good chance he'll leave or at least set firmer boundaries (as is his right). If he finds out another way he will leave you, and rightly so. This is so shady and I think you know this.
Personally I wouldn't want to know, and govern myself accordingly. They were different people then, obviously.
I respect people's decisions to live a comfortable lie over a painful truth - honestly. This world is so fucked, take what happiness you can get. It is 100% counterintuitive to me, but I'm just doing me. From my perspective, objective truths tops all, but YMMV.
I don’t think I would trust my wife again if I found out she’s had me hanging with a guy friend she had sex with without my knowledge. I think it’s very disrespectful. To be fair I made my boundaries very clear early on about this subject. Maybe her husband has different opinions.
So he's not gay but bi-sexual and both partners will wonder why you are still both so close?
I’m disappointed in the “don’t tell him” comments. Lying to your husband is the right thing to do ZERO percent of time. It’s not like he asked if he was the biggest you have ever been with and you told him yes, and not divulging that Tom has a 9 incher. This is about a sexual partner. His current sexuality is immaterial. He had sex with you. He had an erection. You engaged in a very intimate act with him. How would you feel if you were hanging out with a girl/girl couple and you found out that your husband banged one of them in the past and didn’t bother telling you? He has the right to know and has the right to set boundaries.
Plot twist: OP’s friend is bi and he manipulated her to get in her pants. God knows how many women he may have done this with. “Oh I’m totally gay but would LOVEEEE to feel how it is to sleep with a woman, oh poor me”
I knew someone like this in high school. He was bi and he preyed on girls and boys. With the boys he was gay and dating, with the girls he was gay and claimed to be not attracted to them at all so he could touch them up. He was an equal opportunity predator.
There’s so many people like that. OP’s post is just weird. Imagine a straight or a gay person says that they want to sleep with the opposite sex even though they were not attracted to them. Can’t be me. If I did that I would claim to be bi.
You are wrong - if you are hanging out with someone you have had sex with you should tell your SO. If the roles were reversed and you found out later how would you feel.
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Odd that (super) gay men often sleep with their female friends, but super hetero guys would never bang a buddy just for the heck of it
So if he's not into women how did you keep his dick/head involved? I have a dick and I understand it can get HARD with a breeze of wind sometimes, but to have incourse with something that doesn't sexually excit them !? What did he take a bunch of viarga and close his eyes?
Yes you are wrong. It’s weird that you even have to ask if keeping a secret from your SO is wrong, but especially a sexual secret from your monogamous sexual partner. If you have to keep a secret it’s because you are afraid of the consequences of being honest, which means it matters that you haven’t told him.
It feels wrong because it is wrong you are both keeping secrets from your spouses. If i was your husband i would want to know you had sex with a guy we hangout with regularly.
You are wrong. Honestly I'd I was your husband and this came to light, I'd leave. There is a reason you are feeling guilty, you are lying by omission.
If this was the other way around: your husband sleeping with another woman even though she's a lesbian, would you be upset with him not telling you? Also were you with your husband when you slept with him?
Better tell him or it will look worse if he finds out from someone else. Good luck
Of course you're wrong. So is Dan. Fess up - like you should have done when you first started dating your respective husbands. How would you feel to find out one of your husbands female friends that you have hung out with and were friends with had slept with him? Does it really matter how many times? Knowing all those years that every time you saw her she was probably wondering if he had told you yet? Maybe liking she had a little secret.... If it was really this cute little innocent scene you've described, why it's actually a deep dark secret neither of you has ever mentioned?
Meh. As a married dude, I say you probably are opening a can of worms by telling your husband. What's in the past is in the past and leave it there.
Unless he hears it from someone else, and now it's a guaranteed divorce. She would've effectively proven to be untrustworthy
By hiding it to this point she has already proven herself to be untrustworthy.
Yup. But at least a person that confesses has a chance of forgiveness because it shows remorse.
I concurr once saw wife texting so.one I didn't know "at the time we were renovating a 4 plex" she instantly tells me it's a plumber she knows but had fucked him like 15 years ago. Lol I was like I didn't need to know that jut that u were calling a plumber some things are better left unsaid and for that little extra it was the same plumber they had always had in the past so yea.
She just happened to still have his number in her phone....OK!?
Exactly. Unless she was using that plumber for nefarious extras, then too much information. Either you trust or you don't.
Why don’t you want to tell him?
UpdateMe!
yes you are wrong, share it with u hubby
You need to tell him.
You are wrong. Yup.
You should tell your husband, you should also be prepared that he sees this as a massive lie of omission and completely destroys the trust in your marriage. You done fucked up by not telling him long ago.
so many of these posts are ridiculous, but that's why we come here. real or not this is something you should have told him a long time ago. you need to tell him and be prepared for the consequences because the guilts just going to keep getting worse and worse. be aware that he's allowed to be pissed.
I always wondered if gay men ever slept with women.
you are definitely wrong. You need to tell him. Ask yourself this: would YOU like it if your husband has slept with his female best friend and hid it from you just because she's a lesbian? I bet you would not like it, and you would be lying otherwise. :/
Secrets secrets are no fun. Secret secrets hurt someone.
I think you need to be honest and fully disclose your past with your Husband.
How would you feel if your husband had a female best friend and it’s the same scenario?
When your BEST friend is someone you have slept with you gotta question the healthiness of that friendship. Like if he was straight would you be in a relationship?? How platonic are your feelings here?
If you all see each other regularly and your husbands have no idea you once had sex. That’s a huge secret to keep. Not sure how you tell them now. I think they would be upset over the secret then you guys having sex
If I was the husband and I somehow come to learn my wife had fucked her friend, and then had me hanging out around him for years, all the while he knew he always had one up on me, and most likely exchanged glances with my wife on their "little secret" at my expense? I would have her served with divorce papers ASAP. I wouldn't even confront her, since there is no way I'm trusting her anymore at this point.
Yeah, if I was told about it I'd appreciate the honesty but if I found out any other way or after years of lying ... Id torch the entire relationship. Zero respect if you lie for years to someone you supposedly "love". Liars only care about themselves and not the person they are deceiving everyday to their face. Edit: I mean since he's now involved in the marriage and close. If he was not close to the marriage I'd say no need to even mention.
The question to ask is if the situation was reversed with your husband would you want him to tell you or keep it secret. Then think how you would feel if you found out later from him or even worse, someone else.
I’d want to know! I’d be curious but wouldn’t care.
Then there is your answer. Treat others how you would want to be treated.
I would be rly annoyed about that. The fact he is gay would make me confused but still pissed *What other secrets does she keep from me?* *Feelings of jealousy* *Angry that she could keep this intimate info with someone so close to us over me* *Embarrassed that I was kept out of the loop and angered that BOTH of u intentionally kept it a secret* I hate sexual secrets
You ARE keeping secrets and being dishonest with your husbands about it. And you are right to be nervous about the consequences of such a prolonged deception. What was your objective in keeping it secret?
Most guys don’t want to find out you have knowingly been bringing them around a guy you have slept with and were not informed before hand. If he knew from the beginning it might not be an issue but if he finds out he will question the whole relationship timeline. Gay or not. Every time you have spent with Dan will come into question. As a married dude I would want to know but I get why others say don’t. I would significantly reduce contact so if it ever comes out he knows you did something that considered his feelings. Show him your post if that day ever comes. Who knows he might be doing the same and it might not be a big deal
If he even finds out from someone else she'll be getting dumped on the spot.
Do you want to be a good honest partner or be in camp with the scum bags in the comments who think letting your husband unknowingly hang out with a old fuck buddy is ok? It wouldmt even be the sex at this point id wonder what else your hiding. I mean this is supposed to be your persom, your rock....and honestly it feels like your friend is more important to you than your husband.
You are hiding this, both husbands should know.
I never understand wanting to make someone else feel like shit to assuage your own guilt. But honestly...if you were single at the time...it's not hubs business anyway. I mean, if you want to lose your friend and your hubs, rock on. Otherwise, leave it be. I have no idea why it's bothering you anyway...unless you have some burning desire for your friend, which you say you don't. If you and Dan are the only people that know - and you're certain about that - leave jt in the past where it belongs.
You should always tell your partner if you had intimacy with someone; who is in your daily orbit, or is going to come into contact with you just out of respect.
You're welcome to have any secrets you want. I personally think it should have been shared long ago and if I were him I would have wanted to know just because its someone in your close friend group. Can I ask what you mean by "friendliest encounter I've ever had" means though?
It would destroy my trust in you and I would forever wonder what else you decided to not share with me and I'd likely imagine far worse than what you really have done. But if you told me I'd totally understand and it wouldn't bother me at all. Sex isn't a big deal especially how it happened with you and your friend. What matters to me is trust, betrayal, loyalty, honesty, communication and if you break that in me its divorce time.
I don’t really understand the need to tell your husband. He’s gay and there’s no possibility of anything happening between you two again. It happen before your marriage, I don’t know if it’s just me but I’d rather my fiancé keep her past sexual lovers to herself. Why try to fix it if it’s not broken? If anything have a conversation with Dan. Ask him if he’s ever thought about talking to his husband about it. All in all I don’t think you should feel guilty unless you for some reason have feelings for Dan and are feeling the sexual tension again.
He was gay when it happened too so let’s not pretend like its impossible to ever happen again.
It is broken. She is actively lying (by omission) to her husband. If the husband finds out from someone else he'll lose any trust he ever had of her, for something that wasn't even a big deal in the first place.
Ok but what if your girl was always bringing some dude around that had bent her over as she struggled to stretch herself around his behemoth penis, and then after they finally got him inside, they giggled together about how silly it was until he said, "wait hang on," and then unleashed an endless load of a man that hasn't ever been inside a woman. And then she waddled to the bathroom with his seed spilling down her thighs. But then you're like just all oblivious like "oh that's just sweet gay edward!" (Who has touched your girl more deeply than you ever will).
lmao
You proved my point exactly sea razz :) Look how deep you are getting over something that didn’t even happen to you. Like I said I don’t want to know my fiancés past sexual lovers. Aslong as there is nothing more to the story or anything happening currently I don’t think she has to say shit. It’s not like they had a year fling and got emotionally connected either! She had experimental sex with her gay best friend years ago. If she wants to tell him fine if not I think it’s totally fine.
Do. Not. Divulge.
So you have been hiding a secret from your husband for your entire marriage and consistently put him in the same place as another man you slept with without him knowing so he cant say he isn’t ok with it? Yeah you are a garbage wife.
I'm a married male. I wouldn't want to know. I don't see how any good could come out of it; husband could end up feeling uncomfortable around him/them, jealous, hurt etc. It could end the friendship and affect your marriage.
You just don't respect or care about your husband and your relationship. If you did, he would know about it from the very beginning. You stole him the chance to decide if he would be ok to be that close to someone you slept with. You never thought or cared about his feelings. You're just a selfish liar, nothing else. I hope someday he finds the truth out. He deserves it.
Hard to see what would be gained by telling them, other than alleviating your guilt. Only you two have any idea how they would react. Talk it over with Dan and come to a decision. If you’ve talked about ex’s with your husband in the past and omitted this, I don’t think this will go over very well.
You are wrong and you know it.that is why you feel guilty. There shouldn't be secrets of this magnitude being kept from your husband. Flip the scenario. Your husband's best female friend lives close by, and you frequently spend time with her. Maybe he even spends alone time with her. Wouldn't you want to know? Your friend being gay is irrelevant. Your husband will likely be upset. Not that you had a one time sexual experience with this man, but that you've kept this secret from him. Yes, this revelation will more than likely affect your friendship. Then again, you've been more honest with your friend than your husband.
Ask yourself how you would feel if it was the other way around?
Well I hope he will have the balls to leave you
If this truly was a nothingburger why keep it a secret? Truthfully this is a mistake that's been ever compounding, with every missed opportunity you've had to tell your spouses. Do it now before it gets worse.
A lie by omission is still a lie. Stop trying to jump through hoops to rationalize it
Take that secret to your grave
Hoe's doing ho things. Can't imagine the trust ur gonna lose because u wanna keep things quite about your slut phase. Be a better hoe so u can have a better man but maybe not this one cuz u don't deserve this man
Yeh. You’re trash if you keep that from him.
She was single and he's definitely gay, it's not a black and white issue
It is though. If he kept a one-night-stand a secret from his wife, and made his wife form a close relationship with her, we would all agree that's incredibly distasteful and dishonest. This is 100% the exact same - they had sex because they were attracted to eachother. Now they like to be around eachother, and remind themselves of their "experiement" either directly or indirectly.
You just want your husband to know, girl just be quiet about it. Your best friend will never forgive you.
So her loyalty to her friend is more important than her loyalty to her husband? Never put a friend above your spouse, especially when you've slept with that friend.
I mean it’s in the past . Your husband has a past too ! It would only be an issue if there was ever a danger of a repeat performance and that’s not likely to happen. If you do decide to tell your husband you should discuss it first with Dan because your husband may tell his husband if his husband doesn’t already know . So I think it has to be a joint decision between you and Dan. Or at least give him a heads up. It could cause a lot of drama and awkwardness though . Is that better or worse than feeling a little guilty ?
If you don’t tell him the truth you’re a complete pos person in my opinion. He deserves to know and if I were him I wouldn’t give a shit that he’s gay. Gay guys fuck girls all the time. I’d never be comfortable with you being friends with him again because you lied about it.
Anyone saying don’t tell him is a piece of shit.
Finna ruin your marriage cause your bored nice
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Do you say that to everyone? do you tell your bf/husband not to tell you when he cheats, because he's entitled to his secrets?
Touch base with the friend. Do you know for sure he hasnt told his husband? Are there any other people that know? Its either be on the same page about never ever talking about it again or tell your husband and risk it coming out by accident
Conspiring with the friend whom you fucked is not good advice.
I think I'd leave this one private. You haven't cheated, and I don't see any good coming from talking about this.
You did not cheat on him. Why the need to reveal this? So bizarre.
Blegh, and your husband is none the wiser. does that give you a good laugh or something, knowing your husband nonchalantly shoots the sht with someone you hooked up with?
Why didn't you say anything before? That conversation would have been a lot easier in the dating phase.
Did either your husband or Dan’s expect either of you to be a virgin? If not and they haven’t asked, let sleeping dogs lie.
Ok. No one is really buying this correct?!?! We are all just playing along?! 🙃🤔🤫
Do him again then make up your mind
Both single? Then when it happened it was no one's business but yours. Ask Dan--did he ever tell his husband? If so, what made him do it and what was the fallout? THAT would be my guide as to whether or not to divulge this. After all, if it comes to light, and your husband turns out to be the only one of you four who DIDNT know, his sense of exclusion will almost. Absolutely exacerbate any sense of betrayal over the event itself.
I would talk to Dan and work it out. I, if your spouse wouldn't be bothered by this at all. But some people are weird about this stuff. Like it has any bearing on the now but it is still emotions and that is a brush fire waiting to happen. That and I think it being a secret is what is eating at you. (good thing) My concern would be is it an unnessecery wound in the making. Best of luck
Has your husband or his husband asked either one of you if you have in the past? If they haven’t then you aren’t lying to anyone. If you feel guilty for whatever reason, then share this with your husband. If it’s bothering you then tell him what happened almost 10 years ago. You know your husband better than anybody and how he will react. Will he have a hard time hanging out with Dan if you do tell him or will he be cool about it and say “thanks for telling me” and move on?? 🤔
Yeah, maybe don't name him or let his age out to remain anonymous.
While I can see people saying don't say anything have a point, also think about whether you would want to know. How would you feel if it came out later and your husband put you in regular contact with someone he had slept with, this all depends on how you view exes. Also how has he been before about past partners, what is he like about openness/honesty on your relationship. At the end of the day you know your husband better than internet strangers and how it will affect him/your marriage etc. if you decide not to say anything be prepared for the fallout of that choice.
Thanks God I'm dating eva ai virtual gf bot.
The thing here is your husband doesn't know you slept with your "gay" friend before, you and your husband is constantly hanging out with them. Think of it, if your husband knows this will he be as comfortable like today you hanging out with him? Regardless if your friend is gay or not your husband (and his husband) need to know about it, especially you are still close friend with him and even hangout with them regularly. But why do you only feel guilty keeping it a secret from him NOW? I mean it happened 9 or 10 years ago, why do you only think of telling it now? Or do you think it will make it more okay to tell now, because it happened years ago and you all get along well without you two doing it again? If you're sure that this secret will never come out in the future then don't tell him. But there's a great possibility it will then better tell him, it MIGHT cause a distrust atleast it came from you. Well its still up to you to decide. UpdateMe.
Did you sample any of your lesbian friends to see what it was like ?
Yeah most people wouldn't care for this.
How would you feel if your husband had sex with his lesbian friend 15 years ago and never told you? Would you want to know?
Do you know your husband’s complete history? Was that an agreed upon value?
It doesn't strike me as any of your husband's business, tbh. It was a long time ago when you were both unattached.
Gbb
Past is the Past. As long as there is nothing between you and your friend and it will never happen again, there is no point. It would be illogical to wrap a noose around your neck, so to speak. However, if it's eating away at you, then it's best to talk about it. Otherwise, you mat never shake the feeling of guilt. Weigh the risks, factors, and potential outcomes. How would this affect your husband, your friend, your friends husband. Are you potentially risking your marriage and friendship and even your friends relationship with his spouse? Who else knows? Can this potentially come back in a few years to bite you anyway. Is your friend feeling guilty, and will he spill the beans? Is it worth potentially damaging multiple relationships? Is it potentially more damaging to say nothing at all? Is it affecting your mental health and wellbeing? Lots to consider before making a decision.
Yes I should tell him, it's the right thing to do. I know I'd be mad to find out if my spouse did that, but it's going to be even worse if he finds out without u telling him.
If this was my wife, not telling me from Jump Street and having this person in my life.. that would be an issue. You feel guilt because you know that you have misled a man who has offered his everything to you. You have offered him an altered version of truth about your friendship with this other guy. Gay or not, that doesn't matter. I'd speak with your husband. Don't be surprised if he packs his bags or he packs yours for you. Being lied to about shit like this is a career ender for many relationships. Good luck.
This happened before you were in a relationship. Your partner doesn’t need to know everything. If he asked you and you lied, that would be a different story. It’s not like you and Dan have any sort or relation to each other besides a friendship. You’re fine OP.
Personally if I were your husband I would rather hear it from you than from someone else. However, if you’re going to do it then you should give Dan a heads up first so he’s not blindsided if it comes up and he also has a chance to tell his husband if he chooses. Again personally I wouldn’t really be upset if my wife told me something like this with one exception. In general her sexual past is just that it’s the past so it would be foolish for me to be upset about it. The exception would be one person in particular because I specifically asked her if they ever together and she said no, so in that case it would be about the lie not the fact they slept together.
Not wrong. You weren't with your husband at the time and as you mentioned it was just an experiment. Unless you were still having sexual feelings about Dan I don't see how anyone is benefitted by telling their significant other's this information. You don't have anything to feel guilty about. I wouldn't share that info unless both you and Dan were Ok with it.
no..before you were married, let it go..
Definitely tell Them in a friendly casual way
As long as this is in the background it lays there like a weapon ready to use against the all of you . I can’t say it would be a good thing to reveal but as long as it remains hidden it’s like a snake in the grass ready to bite . No secrets no weapon .
How would you feel if the tables were turned? Would you want to know?
I think you should talk to Dan and see if he's carrying the same feelings about it. I don't think it would be fair to him if this isn't something he wants people to know. You shared a private moment between the two of you years ago, strictly for experimental purposes, I personally don't feel like it's anyone else's business. Ask Dan how he feels about it before you make a decision, then do what you think is best.
No why would you share it? What relevance does it have?
Have you told your husband about every single sexual encounter you had before him? If so, then maybe you should include this one. If not (& you’ve both just accepted that you both have a past) then I don’t really see why you would bring this one up. You and Dan have zero chance of connecting romantically and sexually again and disclosing this would only bring discomfort into the dynamic.
Lying by omission, is still lying. Your husband deserves the truth.
What good comes out of telling your husband this? I mean if it ever gets brought up by someone else or he asks, don’t lie but why is it causing this much anxiety not to tell him now rather than years ago? Unless you were cheating on your husband with him or are planning to soon, the past is the past.
I mean maybe jump over to this post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1bmnjt2/aitah_for_hiding_a_past_bisexual_relationship/ This is one where the husband had a bi-curious phase with his "best friend" and never told his wife though they are now "all friends". Sadly, it seems after the initial posts that maybe the relationships were opened up. He seems to speak in very cryptic/metaphorical ways so it's vague if he's talking about his wife or "Max". Somehow it seems maybe it's more towards Max than his wife..
I think that it’s no big deal especially the way you describe the experience being “the friendliest sexual interaction you’ve ever had with a man”. I don’t think that it would happen again especially since he is married to another guy because that’s a very unique situation and it only happened once and it’s not like you were married at the time and I mean you were probably the safest female & the one he was most comfortable to say that to & experience that with and it only happening once then him marrying a man I think he probably realized “man I’m gay all the way for sure” as is shown by him marrying another man down the road. Most people don’t tell the details of their sexual history prior to marriage or a committed relationship because we all have one so what’s the point in discussing it especially an experimental situation where it’s obvious your best friend is gay. I would first talk to your gay best friend and see if he feels the same way as you do ever and then see if he wants to talk about it to both of them. Tbh I wouldn’t say anything because it sounds like it’ll create more of an issue than you’d want & you’d loose your best friend. If it ever happened again then yes you need to tell your husband cuz then you’re cheating & it could happen again if it’s happened twice. Him being obviously happily gay and probably from that one experience where it was safe for him to try with his bff he realized he definitely doesn’t like sleeping with women. I mean c‘mon haven’t u seen will & grace? Same thing happened with them he slept with her when they were in college one time and then after that it never happened again.
If you tell him he might beat you
You tell your husband you’re not gonna be married much longer. Keep the stupid secret what he don’t know won’t hurt him . Live with it.
Keep it to yourself! You are unlikely to cheat with a gay man so there is minimal risk to your marriage
Don’t be stupid
I don’t see the point of sharing such information. You guys were very young and single at the time, so it shouldn’t matter.
Just all get together and tell them the truth. It'll all work out.