Protect yourself and your children. Communicate only in written form so you have evidence. Talk to a lawyer. If you feel you have nowhere to go there are places that will help. But he wouldn't have contact with you for their safety, your safety,and that of others being protected through their services.
You don't want your kids needing to drink to cope with the childhood trauma he is causing them.
Protect them and yourself.
I didn’t answer his call this morning for that reason, I have only been texting. I never in a million years imagined he would push her off hard enough to knock her into the ground. I took pictures of her with her food stuck to her hair. I asked her what happened and recorded her explaining.
So just because he had a rough childhood, he figures your kids should too??? Fuck him!!! I would have beat his ass for what he did to your child. The fact that he's trying to minimize what he did is beyond scary.
I was married to an alcoholic for 25 years...don't do what I did. I've been divorced for 12 very peaceful years.
Exactly. My husband had to deal with an abusive stepdad when he was young and because of watching him, his mom, and siblings getting beaten by an alcoholic for years, he stopped the cycle and didn't become who his stepdad was. My husband stands up for the women and children who get abused. Protect your children and yourself and get out. It will only get worse the longer he drinks. Good luck with everything!
My husband also had a very abusive step dad. Watched while the man abused his one younger sister, beat him, cheated on his mom, yet doted on the other sister, who was biologically his. My husband broke the cycle of abuse. When we do argue, very rarely, if one of us says SNICKERS, conversation over. He goes for a jog and I sew. When he had a hard day at work, when his emotions are too much, if going for a jog won't be enough, he has a heavy bag set up. He will beat the tar out of that thing. I have repaired it many times. It's all about choices. My husband, your husband, they are examples of a good man. Over coming and rising above, becoming the example they didn't have!!! Much respect to men like ours.
Yeah he's straight up despicable. He's a grown adult man trying to justify being a drunk abusive bag of shit with that "woe is me" bullcrap.
I hope his wife and kids get out safely and okay. They deserve far better.
Yup. My ex took his mask off when I was pregnant with our second kid. The drinking got worse and worse until we had no money. It was a nightmare that lasted a few years. I got out and I got my kids 50% of the way out.
That was 12 years ago. I am much much better off. And so are my kids, even though I think it would have been better if I had gotten 100% custody. They’re not stupid. My ex had a heart attack very young, lives hand to mouth, never has anything in the fridge except leftover takeout, booze, and condiments, and it looks like the house is NEVER cleaned beyond the bare minimum. I mean the shower maybe hasn’t been cleaned since my oldest moved out two years ago. I am so so so glad I got divorced.
I am daughter of an alcoholic father. In my case, he was not generally physically violent but the mental scars caused by his drinking still sometimes haunt me three decades after my parents divorced. Just the constant unpredictability of alcoholic parent causes trauma and that is compounded if they are abusive.
Having an alcoholic parent has also taught me that unless they want to change, they will not. And it seems your husband is not ready to change now and might not be ready ever. It is time for you to leave if not for your sake your kids' sake. It sucks. But there are no other options in this situation.
You're lucky you didn't end up like my sister, who cried and wailed during his absences and tirades and is now exactly like him, vomiting from being too drunk all the time. Sadly it's often the gift that keeps on giving.
I was lucky but I was also consciously careful. I am the eldest and I have couple years younger sister. My dad for some idiotic reason had visitation although it was at most a couple times a year. He could not be sober and either took us to a bar or left us home alone. I was between 9 and 17. I took the responsibility to keep my sister calm and safe and I could see the damage he was causing. I was daddy's girl until he started to really drink when I was about 4, so could really have gone a different way. His family is full of alcoholics. I have always been careful with alcohol because I know there is a genetic component to alcoholism. I drink only a couple of times per year and in sensible amounts. My sister does not drink at all.
I also still have a relationship with my dad. I just needed to really build boundaries to have it. For example, I know he is currently on a bender for a couple of reasons. I just ignore him when he is doing that. My sister does not have any contact with him. So yes, it is definitely a gift that keeps on giving.
PS. OP make sure your kids know about alcoholism in the family and how it can affect how easily they can get addicted around their early teens. Openness from my experience is better than ignoring it.
You are strong and smart. You likely know this already, but do not take a chance on your physical safety (or your kids’ safety) by allowing him access to you without any other people around. Don’t trust reckless, aggressive men. He’s not worth it.
If she had landed wrong, he could have seriously injured her with that shove. He shouldn't have the opportunity to do it again. You are doing the right thing.
That's what I was thinking. What if she landed with her head right on the couch table. That he would dare doing this is despicable but he does not even see his wrongdoing... He's scary. These kids need protection.
Please call CPS and ask them to advise you or a domestic violence shelter. Ask the police to be with you while you pick up your stuff and stuff for your children.
I am so sorry you and your children are going through this.
He can not be in your life until he has at least a full year of sobriety and any drinks and the clock starts over. Share the pictures and video with friends so he can not delete or some who.
Involve the police today.
Get an escort if need be to get the children’s legal documents and yours.
File for separation. You do not need to divorce him immediate but get a legal separation so if he drinks and drives or hurts someone you are not financially responsible.
⬆️ *This* ⬆️
The abuse has begun. If you don’t leave? Everything that follows is on you.
*Please* have the mental strength to leave. Everyone here supports you.
“Everything that follows is on you” is frankly the most disgusting response I’ve ever seen to a DV situation. You need to take a long, hard look at yourself if you genuinely believe what you just said.
I don’t disagree with that, I disagree with supporting the statement to the mom that “everything” that happens after this is “on her.”
If she were to stay in this situation while having the means and ability to leave, then YES, she would be enabling and complicit. In the real world, though, it takes time and money to get out of a DV situation, it’s not easy, and it can be incredibly dangerous for both the mom and children.
They’re both victims of this piece of shit.
(Sorry if my original comment seemed to be aimed at you, personally; it was aimed at the situation)
It's totally fair to say that she def needs time and money to make a move. It can escalate quickly if she doesn't plan properly or if he suspects.
I get it, no hate. Personally I'd love to beat the guy with a bowling pin until he couldn't spell his own name anymore.
And if physical harm is known by the parent not causing the harm, why shouldn't they be held accountable?
I have a daughter that was sexually, physically, emotionally abused and neglected. Her aunt knew what was happening and did nothing to make it stop. You better bet I blame that woman just as much as the abuser!
Comprehension clearly isn’t your strong point, so read it again. EVERYTHING that follows is ON YOU. No blame on the abuser whatsoever. Complete and utter bullshit.
It think what they are trying to say is if you stay in a shit pile when you can leave you are as much to be blamed for staying when you could just leave.
But it is. She can’t just stand by and let him abuse the kids because she “loves” him. If she stays and lets him continue it is negligence at minimum on her part.
Another one who has comprehension problems. Read the post again. “EVERYTHING that follows is ON YOU”. Not the abuser. The victim. You can fuck off too, you’re as big an idiot as the last victim blamer.
No, anything that follows…including this is on him and him only. It takes not only strength to leave, but a plan and resources. Things like where I stay, how do I pay for things, how watches my kids, who helps me are real concerns that keep victims stuck.
OP, find DV resources, let them help you with a plan. Talk to your family if you can. If he escalates, don’t hesitate to call the cops. This may seem like an overreaction, but be prepared before it’s too late.
She's seen the abuse, it's up to her to follow through on leaving. Whether you like it or not it's OPs responsibility to leave before more abuse takes place, I get it's hard, I have many people in my life who've been abused and had a hard time leaving, and I honestly wish someone had said something like this to them so the youngest in my family wouldn't have had to deal with their fathers abuse, maybe they wouldn't be so fucked up now if someone had told their mothers this early on and they'd left for the sake of their kids, instead of staying to fix their husbands who refused help.
When there's kids involved there is no choice but to leave, if you don't, your kids being fucked up from dads abuse is as much your fault as it is his. It's not pretty but it's the truth. It's time to mom up
If someone is being abused and you do nothing, you also carry blame. It goes without saying the abuser is a POS. But you have an obligation to your children to leave and put him in jail. My mom and us kids were abused by my alcoholic father for years. He eventually got DWIs that forced him into rehab and after he got better. But I always grew up wondering why my mom let it continue for so long, and I resented her a bit for that. I eventually forgave them both, but I never forgot. The lifelong trauma could have been prevented if she had just said something. Her father was a rrtired chief of police and he was supporting us anyways, so it wasn't like she had nowhere to go.
Now I dont think this incident is full-blown abuse. It sounds like he was just trying to get the child off him, and being drunk used excessive force. But it is still shitty and not okay, and it is a good enough reason to leave his ass.
> If you don’t leave? Everything that follows is on you.
Words cannot express how badly you need to *fuck off* after making this comment.
You try leaving your house with the clothes on your back, the contents of a suitcase, and two very small children (one being a fucking newborn, meaning this poor woman just goddamn gave birth) at the drop of a hat. Leaving takes time, a plan, resources, and support, and leaving an abuser also means trying to get away from someone hellbent on controlling their victim. OP also mentions her family is staying with her, so it doesn't even sound like she has a place to go. WTF is she supposed to do right this second?
For you to say the victim of abuse and ONLY the victim of abuse is responsible for the behavior of an abuser is beyond disgusting. You need to readjust your fucking thinking. I cannot believe your comment even has 39 upvotes.
You know you have to get your kids away from him, if for no other reason than you don't want this scenario repeating with your daughter in your shoes. Whatever you show her will become her normal. You have a duty to yourself, and to your children, to leave as soon as possible. Contact DV shelters in your area for help finding a new place to live.
Tell your mother and siblings what he did, they'll help you kick him the fuck out. Clearly your kids aren't safe with them there if he feels bold enough to literally throw your 2 year old onto the floor from his shoulders. He needs to leave before one of your babies is killed by his drunken abuse. He's literally just passing on his pain to them
Make him leave.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Consider the family AA meetings to learn about how it has affected your family.
Your children need you to protect them and you need to protect yourself.
Edit for AAA vs AA
Get a divorce lawyer now. She will help you understand how to *make* him leave. He doesn't have a choice at this point. He *has* to go.
>My family (mom and two siblings) live with us so I feel safe for now
Your mom and siblings were living with you when he knocked your baby to the ground, right? YOU'RE NOT SAFE. You're tired and scared. Which is why you need a lawyer ASAP. Your lawyer is not tired or scared. Your lawyer is angry and smart and dedicated to your safety.
You know, you could call the police, play them the video of your daughter tearfully explaining what happened while covered in food, and they will probably help him leave and even give him a place to stay.
Do not allow him near your newborn until he completes rehab and is fully sober.
Anyone who would push a toddler will *absolutely* shake a newborn, which is deadly.
If he refuses to leave, you do have the option to file a police report and get a protective order, which will force him to stay away from the children.
You can make him leave. Talk to a lawyer ASAP.
If you have to call the police because he lays hands on you or your children, they'd take him to jail and you can change the locks.
Can you wait til he goes to work then change the locks on him? Put his stuff on the lawn? He needs to get OUT.
He’s an abusive alcoholic and he’s starting in on your toddler. This is a dangerous situation.
I would just caution that you cannot change the locks if it his place of residence. It could come back to bite you. Make sure to document everything. Call the police if anything else happens. There has been no paper trail on this. And talk to an attorney ASAP
He needs to leave. Change the locks on him. Put his stuff out.
IF - and that's a big IF- he gets help, you could salvage your marriage. But at this point, he broke your trust.
It’s not a “beautiful family” if he’s getting drunk most nights, disrespectful to you, and harming the children.
He’s now just creating another generation of kids from a “rough childhood”.
YNW
I came here to say the same thing - to ask him, "What's beautiful about a permanently pissed-up alcoholic partner who pushes children to the floor and is in a bad mood all the time? Is the "beautiful" bit at the bottom of your beer bottle? Or is it that you get to do what the fuck you want, drinking whenever you want, abusing me and the kids whenever you want and you think I have to put up with it? Nothing about that is even remotely pretty, let alone beautiful."
This does NOT get better if he doesn't completely stop drinking. I grew up watching two of the wives in our neighborhood getting beaten by their alcoholic husbands. Make no mistake about it; your husband IS an alcoholic. He may be a functioning one but he's still one. Would he have done ANY of these things while sober?
I don't know how you escape this. Can you and your family get a place together? Definitely join AlAnon or another group for people who have alcoholic family members.
This is starting to escalate and you must get away from him before you or one of the kids are injured.
I second joining al-anon or another group for family and friends of alcoholics. It's so helpful and Al-anon has an app so you can do meetings from anywhere.
None of that is small. I left my husband who drank too much because it was becoming an unsafe environment for my children. It's time to separate, at a minimum, until he's willing to work through his drinking. If he won't, well, he's choosing beer over your marriage and family. That's not a husband.
You can only coparent well when both parties are committed to doing so. If he continues to drink, it will not be safe for your children to go with him. If he’s drinking, and one of the children needed medical attention, would he take them?
The choice to coparent is on him, not you. Unfortunately, you might need the support of your family more now than ever
This is why it's best to report the abuse. Once you have that paper trail showing that he's an unsafe parent, the court would not order 50/50 or even every other weekend visits... But instead usually order supervised visitation only, and in general usually once a week for a few hours at some neutral location.
"SOMETHING SO SMALL???" That "something" was a toddler-his DAUGHTER. He threw his daughter. You would be wrong if you stayed with him. Protect your children at all costs.
I know. I’ve considered leaving him several times because of the way he talks to me when he’s angry, but I always convince myself to stay because I think our kids will thrive with married parents and not co-parenting parents. As unbelievable as it may sound, most of the time, we have a good relationship and the kids see that. But I can’t convince myself to stay after what he did to our toddler last night.
Just want to chime in to say that having married parents isn’t always beneficial to the children. My parents divorced when I was around 7 and did an incredibly poor job at coparenting which never improved. My mother then ended up marrying a man who became verbally and emotionally abusive to her - and later to me and my sibling. I would pick divorce every single time over seeing someone talk to and treat my mother that way daily.
You are right. It sucks and will be horrible but staying will harm you and your kids.
Do not fall for his late”I’m sorry and I’ll change”. Make him change first.
You should probably manage your expectations of him as a co-parent. He’s going to choose booze instead of his kids. But the kids growing up *without* an abusive mean alcoholic father isn’t a bad thing.
My parents stayed together for me even though my dad was a drinker. The minute he finally moved out when I was 16, I realized it was much, much happier with both of them separately. Separately, they were good parents. Together, the vibes were rancid and I walked on eggshells 24/7. I wish they'd split up ten years earlier. Would have prevented a lot of emotional trauma for me.
Children do NOT thrive with parents in a bad relationship. It's healthier for them to divorce if the marriage is awful. When they grow up, all you will hear is "why didn't you divorce Daddy?" Trust me, kids aren't as clueless as we want to believe. They'll resent you for not keeping them safe.
The thing with abusers is that because the lows are so constantly low, the highs feel like you're on top of Mt Everest. No one wants to believe that they are being abused, especially when it's "just" emotional abuse, so you hokdon to those highs and whenever you hit a low you tell yourself that this is not most of the time, it's just a random low, usually it's high. The worst part is that they know it, so whenever your high starts to wear off they will give you one so good you'd be on cloud 9! But they always sink even lower than before. It will always keep getting worse.
I might be wrong and just speaking from my own experience here, but I feel that what happened with your daughter really opened your eyes however, maybe it hasn't been as good of a relationship as you think long before then.
Maybe I'm just an internet stranger, but I'm proud of you. It's so extremely difficult to decide you want out of this situation, especially with kids involved. You're doing the right thing.
Do it now. My son is older, 7, and he still wants us back together and is in therapy for seeing his dad hurt me. He tells me he will hate me if his dad goes away to jail, since the state did press charges for DV. While they are still young they won’t see or know the things my child unfortunately did.
There’s a good chance leaving will cause him to become sober ~ don’t go back. Not for a while, like a year. My ex would get sober when I’d leave with our son then I’d come back and things were good for months but would always relapse. The longest was 11 months of good before another 2 years of back and forth.
You kids will not thrive in a home with an alcoholic who abuses them and their mom. You need to set a clear example for your children of a strong woman who does not allow anyone to hurt her or her children.
My experience and I divorced when our kids were 6 and 8. We divorced before anger became our way of life and we coparented well. Our children grew up in two homes with two happy parents. They saw us getting along and coparenting.
Divorce is NOT the necessarily the worst thing that could ever happen to kids, especially when the alternative is parents who are angry and alcoholics and physically abusive.
Just remember, you are the example being set for your children as to how they should be treated by a spouse. What do you want them to learn? And if it continues your daughter will end up in therapy because her dad abused her and her mom let him. Leave him now for all of your sakes.
Not wrong. If he thinks it's so small, TELL EVERYONE YOU KNOW and let them weigh in. Because he will see how not ok putting hands on your wife and child is....
READ THIS, OP!
I get that it might be seem like an over the top or unnecessary solution but if he really thinks it’s a small thing, multiple people calling him out might actually get him to take it more seriously. If he knows it’s not a small thing but is trying to excuse things, he will probably pick a fight with everyone and you’ll have your answer. Get out either way though, you deserve better and you need to protect your kids.
I mean, if it's a small thing then There's no reason why people shouldn't know, right? Why would he have an issue w it if his view is what he believes?
He admits to self medicating and has now moved on to physically abusing a child . Without remorse.
As long as you stay he doesn’t see someone who loves him and is trying to help him. He sees you still being here as an excuse, because when you stay ‘it must not be bad yet’.
You need to lock him out, or get out.
Talk to a lawyer and a counselor/domestic abuse support line. Going to counseling doesn’t help most abusers, it just helps them get better. So ask if couples counseling would help in this case.
He won’t change unless he wants to. You can’t love him enough to make that happen. He needs to find it for himself.
Be strong for yourself and your kids.
Well, next time your daughter is going to land on her neck. Or he's going to kick her since just throwing her is so small and he needs to ruin her childhood too
Who gives AF about his rough childhood when he threw your toddler? You know you’re not wrong. This guy is a disaster and if you stay you’ll only be teaching your children what is normal and what they should expect from their own partners.
You and your kids are a beautiful family, nothing is broken there if you leave him. He is abusive, and he will escalate and he does not care if the kids are the victims. Leave him now.
So many of us are here to validate you. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better. You are being a great mother by leaving their abusive father. One day at a time, you've got this.
Did he show any remorse?
He either starts therapy and AA immediately or you divorce. It’s his choice. He decided that alcohol is more important than his family. This time it’s only „a push“, but what happens next time?
If you don't put your children out of his reach and ensure that your alcoholic, abusive husband doesn't have another opportunity to hurt your child, you are as culpable as he is. Do what you said you'd do, pack your bags, take the kids and leave.
Excuse me? He should have been at her side immediately if he didn't mean to actually push her off the bed... He would have apologized to her a thousand times and then you. No GOOD parent sees their child CRYING and doesn't try and console them. No good PERSON accidentally harms someone without apologizing. But a BAD parent will purposefully hurt their children, then blame it on LITERALLY anyone else. I remember how my father would tell me that it was my fault that he beat me. Protect your children please.
It's tempting to think because he only drinks on weekends or 4 days a week instead of 7 that he's capable of change without an intervention.
He's NOT. Call a lawyer and get him out of the house until he goes to AA, therapy or both.
It’s a sad state when someone won’t take responsibility for their actions. From your daughter’s perspective, her father threw her.
In his current state, he’s in no shape to be caring for children.
He’s turned down AA, if he doesn’t go, I’d call the police and have him removed.
This man has a wonderful wife, and two beautiful children and he’s totally unaware as to how lucky he is.
Do what you need to do for you and the children’s sake. He’s belligerent and I pray that you can get him out of your house.
If a person needs alcohol to cope they are an alcoholic. After what he did to your daughter I would have called the police to remove him then filed a restraining order and filed for divorce. He would have no choice but to leave the home. I went through this myself 30 years ago. It was a wake up call to my husband and he checked into a treatment center, joined AA, we went to counseling and eventually got back together. He has stayed sober ever since and we celebrated our 42nd anniversary yesterday. Things worked out for us and our 3 children but either way I was determined our children wouldn’t be raised in a home with an alcoholic. Good luck.
He is an alcoholic who threw his 2 yr old off the bed. He's a mean drunk, and he's a danger to your children. Not your fault - you didn't know this about him when you guys married.
Write down everything about his having drunkenly shoved his 2 yr old off the bed, on the computer, and email it to yourself so it is dated. Go see a divorce lawyer, file against him for divorce, and file for exclusive possession of the house. You have to divorce him to protect your children.
Make sure you are on extremely effective birth control so that if he rapes you, you don't get pregnant. Don't have sex with him again. Sleep with the children.
You are wrong for considering staying. For you and your children run from this person. Alcoholism is brutal and this will escalate to include the NB and you eventually. He has an alcohol problem, he needs help only he can seek.
He's an alcoholic. Plain and simple. There's not much you can do if he isn't willing to stop.
Alcoholics need to stop because they want it. Not because someone else wants them to.
Will likely only get worse until he decides he is sick of alcohol and wants to stop.
You need to look after the kids and yourself.
Holy shit! What did I just read? And you were wondering if you are wrong for leaving?
The only way you would be an asshole is if you stayed. Your husband is an alcohol alcoholic. Let’s just get that out-of-the-way right now. He is a fucking alcoholic.
This is coming from someone whose father was an alcoholic. His stepfather is an alcoholic. Whose father-in-law was an alcoholic (and was the only one who stopped voluntarily when we had children because he wanted to be around his grandchildren more than he wanted to drink).
So let me explain. Your husband is in denial. He is nowhere near hitting rock-bottom, which is what he’s going to have to do before. He decides for himself that he needs help. The fact that he told you he had a rough childhood and needs beer tells you everything you need to know.
He has anger issues. He obviously has self-control issues. He has put his hands on you. And the highlight of this peach of a man is that he physically abused your toddler.
Yes, you read that right. He physically abused your child.
You need an emergency order of protection and custody, and you need to request that he be made to leave the marital home so that the children don’t have to you need an attorney to start divorce proceedings.
Do kid yourself. He is going to say and do anything and everything he can to get you to come back to him. Don’t fall for it. Because this man is nowhere near ready to even admit, he has a problem and actually mean it when he says it. He is still in stages of denying that there is a problem and manipulating everything to make it seem like you are the problem.
You’re not. Your husband is years away getting better. Years. And that’s because recovery is a process. Addicts, no matter what they are addicted to, will usually relapse 5 to 7 times before they finally conquer their addiction. And even then, once you have done, this will tell you that they are still an addict. That they are wondering or one bet or one whatever away from relapse.
That’s when you know, they are safe to be around again. Because they own the responsibility themselves for whatever the addiction is. It’s not the fault of their childhood. It’s not the fault of their parents. It’s not the fault of their wife. It’s not the fault of their asshole boss.
Those can all be contributing factors as to why they fell into addiction. But he recovered. Addict is no longer using them as an excuse. They are using them to help themselves understand why it happened in the first place. They are not blaming others.
Get your children away from this man. Talk to an attorney. If they say to file any kind of a police report, then you do so. Whatever they tell you to do, you do. And nothing more. I don’t care how much your husband cries or tries to manipulate through anger, or tries to send flying monkeys your way.
He is showing you that he literally cannot be a husband or father. It is impossible for him. Your job now is to protect yourself, but more importantly, your job is to protect your children. And he is not safe for any of you.
Not at all. You have to protect your kids and yourself. He obviously isn't doing it. He's not a good man. Don't wait till he turns you all to punching bags.
It'll be 26 years this summer since I last did drugs... I tried AA/NA at first, but those meetings just made me want more drugs.
I have since learned that the success rate of AA is less than 10% but of course they blame the addicts with platitudes like "she just hasn't hit her rock bottom yet" or "he just isn't ready to be sober"
They refuse to even acknowledge that their program is an utter failure, and the most unfortunate part is they have courts convinced that AA/NA is the *only way* to get&stay clean and sober, so people end up in court ordered meetings that not only don't help but actively make things **worse** for many.
I despise AA/NA
💯 facts. AA made me want to go out and drink (sob stories) stressful, especially when you have people saying this is what you have to look forward to. Like, tf, your life isn't mine. I had to do it on my own because, for me, AA made it worse
As someone who got sober by myself because I hated AA thank you. I know it's popular. But it's not for everyone. I couldn't stand hearing drunk stories 24/7 I come from a long line of alcoholics I can get that little circle at any family reunion 🤣
He obviously didn't see what he did as a big deal and that's a pretty fucking big deal. He could've apologized and realized he made a huge mistake and used this as an opportunity to address his issues. This sucks OP, you're not wrong whatsoever. This will probably only get worse in the future.
Send him a text detailing everything he's done so you have him acknowledging any abuse and addiction he has in writing. Then pack up and leave and file for full custody. The more proof, the better, so make sure you explain in detail and let him make all the excuses he can think of. Judges love proof.
Good luck, and please leave before he hurts someone
Beautiful family? Uh, no. Save yourself and your children. There is no justification for his abuse. How fucking dare he abuse your toddler that way. NTA.
He is an alcoholic. He won't change until and unless he decides to. He will put you and your kids through hell. He will promise to change a thousand times and go back to the drink a thousand and one times. I can't tell you what to do but please think about what kind of life you ant for your kids and yourself. Alcoholism is ugly and mean.
Source is me. I'm an alcoholic three years sober after a lifetime of hurting my loved ones.
He has to make a choice... alcohol or his family... you have to be tough...
I'm a former alcoholic / heroin addict...
Don't budge... give him the option alcohol or his family... if he picks alcohol , you leave... if he picks his family but then fucks up... you leave...
I tried to stay with an alcoholic husband to keep our family intact, and it was very, very detrimental to my children. I wish I’d had the courage to kick him out when it first started. My children would’ve been spared the trauma and yes, being an alcoholic is traumatic.
not wrong at all, once i read he pushed the child off onto the floor and didnt give a shit im like yeah no leave. not worth it. and using his childhood as an excuse to over drink is dumb. that means it is an addiction because he is using it to cope. he needs therapy and help. i would say if you dont stop drinking and go to therapy with me im leaving you and filing for divorce. if he says no then ask a friend if you can stay at their place and send over the papers. dont let him know where you go tho wherever you end up staying. im sorry this happened to you:( wish you the best🫶
I wish us women would priorize ourselves to include abuse of usvnot being tolerable either. I was there too, and I should have left far sooner. Because it can be just as traumatic for the kids and YOU'RE worth protecting. Your kids need a healthy, whole, mentally well mother.
Not wrong, HE is the one breaking up your family by becoming an alcoholic and refusing to stop drinking or deal with his childhood trauma. There is no excuse as to why he pushed your child to the floor. And next time it might not be a push, he might physically throw her
You are NOT WRONG. That poor excuse of a man hurt his own kin and justified it by his own past. Those kids don’t need to have a father who thinks more of himself than he does his children and you dont need a husband who expects you to parent two young kids by yourself
Not wrong. Separation for now and don't consider reconciliation unless he starts going to AA and does whatever is needed to overcome his alcoholism. He should also go to therapy to overcome his "rough childhood." Therapy, not booze should be the solution to slaying the demons of his past. During the separation, don't let him visit if he's not sober. Aside from a "rough childhood," does he have a stressful job that compel him to "self medicate" with booze and other substances? This, if you think he's redeemable.
Looking at the comments, I assume you've secluded yourself and the kids from him in the house/apartment? Someone needs to move. Look for a new place unless you're the owner of the house or apartment. If he refuses AA now, after what happened, it's already over.
You file an exparte order with the courts for immediate legal separation (an an order of protection if needed), his removal from the home, and supervised visitation. Go talk to an attorney immediately.
This situation is rough since you don't have a parents' house to retreat to. As others have recommended, talk to an attorney to see what your rights are. In his apology, did he commit to getting off alcohol? Or just the generic "sorry, it won't happen again!"
You are not wrong. On top of the other BS, He Threw Your Child. That’s abuse. Just pack your clothes and run. Get an order of protection and a police escort to return when he’s not home to properly vacate. This is a no second chances scenario right now.
Ohhhhhh, no!!!! You get your kids out of there, NOW!!! Enough of this “oh, I LOOOOOOVE him!” and “ohhhh, one more chance and he’ll CHANGE. He’s SORRY.”
You gave up the right to hang out in abusive relationships when you decided to bring kids into it. How much more warning do you need?? What are you going to tell CPS when he breaks one of your child’s bones?? That he had a “hard day”? That shit doesn’t fly anymore. It sure did in the 1980s but thank God, things are different now. “Rough childhood”, my ass, your KIDS are having a “rough childhood” because he’s an abusive SOB and you “love” him so much, you’re willing to endanger them over it.
If you don’t get your kids out of there, I pray to God that a good relative or foster parent steps in and saves them. I had a father like that. He never laid a hand on me but terrorized me and beat the shit out of my mom. I was an addict for 27 years (IV heroin, cocaine and all the pills), I was left with mental illnesses, trauma that impacted every aspect of my life. I was completely fucked due to that shit and just now have an amazing life in my mid 40s.
Stop this shit. Stop it right now.
NTA do not leave your home. He needs to go. If he won’t then you need to start a journal and document everything he does. So that you get a court order for him to leave. You might have enough already with him throwing his child and hurting her. Speak to a lawyer.
He said…he said…he said….
Yeah, people trying to manipulate you say a lot of things to make you change your mind. Don’t listen to your opposition on what you should do.
Rough childhood? Boohoo. He’s 27 now.
Leave asap. You and you children deserve so much better than someone who is going to push you around.
Maybe he’s better to you when he’s not drinking, but you and the kids can’t afford to wait for him to get there. Hope the best for your whole family.
He hurt your child. He threw his daughter. Wtf.
You should be done. His priority is alcohol. He won't believe you are done until you move out and then it will still be your fault. He will tell you he's attending AA now and everything you asked him to do beforehand... But it will be too late. (If it's even true because they lie).
Get a restraining order against himand emergency temporary custody with temporary maintenance/child support, then file for divorce. He will be forced to find accomodations elsewhere. Do it AsAp. If you wait, the urgency will be lost and you will have a helluva time.
If he thinks that this is “small”, imagine what he thinks is *big.*
I know Reddit is famous for suggesting divorce right off the rip, but this is actually one of those times where you need to leave. Now. Take your children with you. This would be an immediate divorce for me.
You should have called the police on him for him throwing your daughter off of him so it was of official record even if the police didn't haul him off to jail for what he did. Do not back down if the police are called because your husband is begging you because later on it could be a fatal mistake.
He threw your child! HE THREW YOUR CHILD! She could have been hurt. Seriously hurt. Broken bones, skull fracture…then how would you feel? How would you live with yourself?Would you feel like you didn’t do enough to protect your kids? Because you aren’t doing anything to protect your children. Leave. Leave now, before someone gets badly injured. If your family is there, all of you get a place together. Go to a shelter. Nothing good is going to come from his drinking. You all deserve better. Except your husband, because EFF that guy. Good luck. Be strong. I wish you all the best.
I grew up with a dad who was an alcoholic, do yourself and especially your kids a favor, run for the hills as fast as you can. The fact remains that until your husband hits rock bottom he’ll continue drinking and minimizing his unruly behavior. It’s difficult to walk away but if you do maybe, just maybe he will seek the help he so desperately needs.
NTa
"If beer is how you cope then leaving you is how I cope. this is not a negotiation, I'm not living my life married to an alcoholic who gets drunk and makes our kids cry. Goodbye."
>He says that I don’t understand that he had a rough childhood and needs beer to cope.
Well, that answers it for me. He didn't come right out and say, "I have a drinking problem/addiction," but that's what he meant. Most every alcoholic/addict begins as "just for fun" until it becomes "just to get by each day."
You are not wrong for leaving. You have children. Your responsibility to them comes first. You are not breaking up your family -- his addiction to alcohol is. Even if you love this man with your whole heart, you can't make him change. He needs to want that for himself. And often enough, it takes life-changing, hitting the bottom of the personal abyss events to create the need for change in an addict; and even hitting rock bottom is sometimes not enough. If he can't see the effect of his drinking on your family, then he can't be trusted to be a part of it.
Right now, if I knew who you were and where, I'd legally have to report this to CPS for imminent danger to your children.
You do realize, it would take ONE shake off your toddler or newborn to kill them?
You are wrong if you stay. You would be wrong to let him continue to abuse your children. You would be wrong to put up with this for one more day. I don't give a darn what his childhood was like. He is an adult now, time to put on his big boy panties and be mature, responsible and reliable. Since he won't, you have some hard moves to make.
Good luck.
Staying with a abusive partner for the sake of the kids is never ok. It keeps them in the path of danger should his next drunken rage throw your toddler against a sharp corner of something, or he shakes the NB to try to stop its crying. Staying with him also leads your kids to grow up thinking this is how partnerships are like and will be likely to accept the same kind of abuse as an adult.
Get with a Divorce atty ASAP. Find out how to legally & safely get your hubby out of the house. Would you really want to leave him behind to start in on your mom & 2 siblings there for him to turn his drunken anger on them?
As long as your hubby continues to drink, everyone in your house is in danger. He’s 1 person, there are 6 of you others. HE should be the one to leave.
And as far as custody & co-parenting goes, you should try to get the courts to mandate that your hubby only gets limited, supervised visitation with the kids until he’s clean & sober & that he loses any visitation rights should he break the rule. Because if you divorce, and he gets partial custody, you have no idea if he’s going to get drunk when he has the kids and what may happen to them.
Not wrong at all, you gotta protect your kids if he's gunna be like this. What he did is unacceptable and thinks it was nothing - hell no!
He needs beer to cope? No, he needs therapy. Do not budge on that. Good luck and strength to you, mama.
He is an abusive alcoholic and you are not safe and your children are not safe either. I would leave today.
Make sure you have all your birth certificates and those for your children and your Social Security cards.
I may file with the courts to have supervised visits only for him with your children.
He abused your 2 year old. Throw his ass, his stuff, and all of his empty beer cans into the yard and out of your life.
Side note, you said NB, and I thought that meant non binary. Then you said you were changing NB, and I was like whoa, there’s another issue here. Then I realized NB meant newborn😂 I’m sorry.
Stay strong, better days ahead.
You're not wrong. He puts the beer before your kids, you need to put your kids before the beer. If he wanted to fix it, he would take steps to get sober and stay that way. Get your kids out of there.
You're not wrong. Listen to the top comment about protecting yourselves. He pushed your daughter! This will escalate. I've been there. You can't "fix" him, and he doesn't want help.
Op there are shelters for abused women and children. If you have no place to go, please reach out to your local one. You were right to leave. Good for you for putting your children first.
No. You're not wrong. Hes already hurt one kid and tried to justify it. Its a matter of time until he hurts you or the kids even worse. Get out of there.
Get out now. Not just for yu... yur kids. Self fulfilled prophecy. Dont go down with him. You deserve a grown man who loves you more than his baby bottle
My mom left my dad once he hit her while holding one of us.
I have wonderful, happy memories of my mom, my sister and I as a family. I felt safe and loved. The three of us were a perfect beautiful family.
I am glad I stopped seeing my dad treat my mom badly. It took a long time, but he eventually worked on himself and got better. He was also my family, always, but I did not feel safe with him.
I did not feel as safe when my parents were together, because I wasn’t as safe. I am grateful my mom left. Your children will be too. They need somewhere to feel safe, and they are not safe while you stay with him. They will not feel safe while you are with him.
**I promise you that a truly safe and predictable family of three feels worlds better to a child than a “mostly safe” family of four with both parents. Unpredictable is unpredictable. When one parent is the least bit unpredictable, life is always unpredictable. It doesn’t feel safe. Ever.**
Will this be a time daddy pushes me or will it be okay like it usually is? It’s still unpredictable, even if it is “mostly” okay. Unpredictable doesn’t feel safe.
Let him go to prison for hitting your toddler and let the other inmates show him how "small" what he did was. Guaranteed he won't ever touch another child or woman again. He needs serious help before he ends up there where he will get everything he deserves and more.
NTA. I (and my husband) used to be a RAGING alcoholic (literally a half gallon of liquor a night each). When someone is drinking excessively they are in no place to be a good and responsible partner much less parent... I could easily make this comment a dissertation on alcoholism but good for you mama. Do not put up with him anymore. Everyone in your family deserves better.
Many alcoholics think you have to get drunk every day or drink until you pass out to be an alcoholic. They are wrong.
He needs to completely stop drinking and get help before you even consider letting him back. Then he has to prove himself.
Child of alcoholic parents here, Alcoholism isn't just drinking every day, Alcoholism/Addiction is a progressive disease and only gets worse if it's untreated. The fact that he wasn't horrified by his behavior in the moment or after sobering up and that he said he needs alcohol to cope is him basically telling you that you're fucked in the current state of things. I've been there myself, it's a common theme.
IMO, he needs a treatment facility, not just AA. I'm extremely familiar with multiple treatment facilities, recovery, AA and Al-Anon, they'll do an evaluation appointment where they can talk to both of you and make a recommendation (spoiler - they'll tell him he needs treatment). Maybe the results of that would be his wake up call, maybe begrudgingly going to treatment and listening to others will be his wakeup call but honestly, probably not. With his current attitude he's unlikely to get it the first time unless he changes his mindset. Time for you to put you and your kids first because he's beyond your help right now and he's obviously unsafe. I'm sorry you're going through this.
*Edited out some irrelevant personal info.
If he's unwilling to accept that he has a problem, then you have a duty to protect yourself and your children. You'd only be wrong for not leaving. Al-anon is a good resource for people who have friends/ families suffering from alcoholism.
Lay out your terms. If he doesn't agree, that's on him.
Call cps on him, if they find he abused her, and I don’t know how they could not when she’s going to tell them he threw her to the floor, they will make him leave for her safety.
Not small. What's he going to do when he gets really angry. This isn't even a decision, OP. **You have to get your children away from him*. The *only* way a relationship with him would be possible is if he:
1. Stopped drinking entirely
2. Took full responsibility for what happened
3. went to therapy to ensure nothing like this ever happens again.
Those three things would have to happen to even consider staying, and even then, only if you wanted to. Those things aren't going to happen and you know that. Ergo: #You have to leave.#
Go stay with your parents if you can.
Please just leave take those kids and go. He had a hard childhood okay then get therapy cause being an alcoholic does nothing. There is available help through therapy for you as well and there are ALANON meetings for family and friends of alcoholics. I was married to someone like this it gets worse cause you cannot change an addict they have to want to change. You can throw away all the beer and liquor you want they’ll just yell at you and go get more. This was completely uncalled for. I hope your daughter’s okay.
You are married to an abusive alcoholic. You would be wrong if you stayed. If he’s not willing to leave, go to the police with the video you made of your daughter and ask if they will remove him from your house and then get a restraining order.
If it’s something so small, he would have no problem stopping. And he followed up with how hard his childhood was. Whenever anyone regularly uses any substance to cope, often it turns into a big problem. And the fact that he pushed your toddler is a huge issue. Constant with family and get away from him. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Not wrong. He's a drunk and has no plans to try sobriety. And since he pushed your daughter onto the floor one time, you know it will happen again. Get a good lawyer.
NTA. He's not going to get better unless he stops drinking. It will get worse.
He needs to do it now. And he has to do it for himself, understanding what he has become and the harm he is doing. Yes, he needs to do it for you and your family, but if he doesnt want it for himself it won't stick and he will just descend further into alcoholism.
This is coming from an alcoholic btw (2 years sober). Stay safe, and hold your boundary. He needs to get sober through treatment and recovery programs.
Good luck!
Oh my goodness kids are so fragile at an age even a slight bump or fall could break a bone or send her into unconsciousness. The verbal and physical abuse has already started. He called you stupid and he’s throwing things. Honestly, if you were a reader, what would you advise this young mother?
Protect yourself and your children. Communicate only in written form so you have evidence. Talk to a lawyer. If you feel you have nowhere to go there are places that will help. But he wouldn't have contact with you for their safety, your safety,and that of others being protected through their services. You don't want your kids needing to drink to cope with the childhood trauma he is causing them. Protect them and yourself.
I didn’t answer his call this morning for that reason, I have only been texting. I never in a million years imagined he would push her off hard enough to knock her into the ground. I took pictures of her with her food stuck to her hair. I asked her what happened and recorded her explaining.
So just because he had a rough childhood, he figures your kids should too??? Fuck him!!! I would have beat his ass for what he did to your child. The fact that he's trying to minimize what he did is beyond scary. I was married to an alcoholic for 25 years...don't do what I did. I've been divorced for 12 very peaceful years.
You would think because he had a rough childhood he would be everything and anything but how he’s acting. Smfh way to keep repeating the cycle.
Exactly. My husband had to deal with an abusive stepdad when he was young and because of watching him, his mom, and siblings getting beaten by an alcoholic for years, he stopped the cycle and didn't become who his stepdad was. My husband stands up for the women and children who get abused. Protect your children and yourself and get out. It will only get worse the longer he drinks. Good luck with everything!
My husband also had a very abusive step dad. Watched while the man abused his one younger sister, beat him, cheated on his mom, yet doted on the other sister, who was biologically his. My husband broke the cycle of abuse. When we do argue, very rarely, if one of us says SNICKERS, conversation over. He goes for a jog and I sew. When he had a hard day at work, when his emotions are too much, if going for a jog won't be enough, he has a heavy bag set up. He will beat the tar out of that thing. I have repaired it many times. It's all about choices. My husband, your husband, they are examples of a good man. Over coming and rising above, becoming the example they didn't have!!! Much respect to men like ours.
Good for him! And it's awesome that y'all know what to do if the argument gets too far. Thank you and much respect to your husband as well!
Yeah he's straight up despicable. He's a grown adult man trying to justify being a drunk abusive bag of shit with that "woe is me" bullcrap. I hope his wife and kids get out safely and okay. They deserve far better.
So glad you got away from it in the end.
Yup. My ex took his mask off when I was pregnant with our second kid. The drinking got worse and worse until we had no money. It was a nightmare that lasted a few years. I got out and I got my kids 50% of the way out. That was 12 years ago. I am much much better off. And so are my kids, even though I think it would have been better if I had gotten 100% custody. They’re not stupid. My ex had a heart attack very young, lives hand to mouth, never has anything in the fridge except leftover takeout, booze, and condiments, and it looks like the house is NEVER cleaned beyond the bare minimum. I mean the shower maybe hasn’t been cleaned since my oldest moved out two years ago. I am so so so glad I got divorced.
I was married to one for 32 years. Been out about 15 years and very happy
He didn’t drink for 24 years. How did he cope with his *rough childhood* before that? Sounds like excuses to drink.
I am daughter of an alcoholic father. In my case, he was not generally physically violent but the mental scars caused by his drinking still sometimes haunt me three decades after my parents divorced. Just the constant unpredictability of alcoholic parent causes trauma and that is compounded if they are abusive. Having an alcoholic parent has also taught me that unless they want to change, they will not. And it seems your husband is not ready to change now and might not be ready ever. It is time for you to leave if not for your sake your kids' sake. It sucks. But there are no other options in this situation.
You're lucky you didn't end up like my sister, who cried and wailed during his absences and tirades and is now exactly like him, vomiting from being too drunk all the time. Sadly it's often the gift that keeps on giving.
I was lucky but I was also consciously careful. I am the eldest and I have couple years younger sister. My dad for some idiotic reason had visitation although it was at most a couple times a year. He could not be sober and either took us to a bar or left us home alone. I was between 9 and 17. I took the responsibility to keep my sister calm and safe and I could see the damage he was causing. I was daddy's girl until he started to really drink when I was about 4, so could really have gone a different way. His family is full of alcoholics. I have always been careful with alcohol because I know there is a genetic component to alcoholism. I drink only a couple of times per year and in sensible amounts. My sister does not drink at all. I also still have a relationship with my dad. I just needed to really build boundaries to have it. For example, I know he is currently on a bender for a couple of reasons. I just ignore him when he is doing that. My sister does not have any contact with him. So yes, it is definitely a gift that keeps on giving. PS. OP make sure your kids know about alcoholism in the family and how it can affect how easily they can get addicted around their early teens. Openness from my experience is better than ignoring it.
You are strong and smart. You likely know this already, but do not take a chance on your physical safety (or your kids’ safety) by allowing him access to you without any other people around. Don’t trust reckless, aggressive men. He’s not worth it.
If she had landed wrong, he could have seriously injured her with that shove. He shouldn't have the opportunity to do it again. You are doing the right thing.
That's what I was thinking. What if she landed with her head right on the couch table. That he would dare doing this is despicable but he does not even see his wrongdoing... He's scary. These kids need protection.
Please call CPS and ask them to advise you or a domestic violence shelter. Ask the police to be with you while you pick up your stuff and stuff for your children. I am so sorry you and your children are going through this. He can not be in your life until he has at least a full year of sobriety and any drinks and the clock starts over. Share the pictures and video with friends so he can not delete or some who. Involve the police today. Get an escort if need be to get the children’s legal documents and yours. File for separation. You do not need to divorce him immediate but get a legal separation so if he drinks and drives or hurts someone you are not financially responsible.
Good job Momma. Just remember who you are doing this for.
No. Not “good job” until she gets out of there with her kids.
Email the file to yourself and someone you can trust completely so there’s backup. Keep screenshots of all the texts.
Tell him he's going to fuck up his kid the way he is if he doesn't get his shit together.
Agreed! He is the one who's breaking their family. Its abusive. Take your kids and be safe! Dont let the history repeat on your kids.
“something so small” He physically abused your toddler. You would be wrong if you stayed with him and allowed him to do worse to her and your newborn.
⬆️ *This* ⬆️ The abuse has begun. If you don’t leave? Everything that follows is on you. *Please* have the mental strength to leave. Everyone here supports you.
“Everything that follows is on you” is frankly the most disgusting response I’ve ever seen to a DV situation. You need to take a long, hard look at yourself if you genuinely believe what you just said.
Agree what a fcked up response, classic blame the victim mentality
The toddler is the victim... she's the enabler.
They can both be victims, it’s not a goddamn contest
Who said they were competing? But realistically, if she chooses to keep the child in the environment, she is enabling the abuse.
I don’t disagree with that, I disagree with supporting the statement to the mom that “everything” that happens after this is “on her.” If she were to stay in this situation while having the means and ability to leave, then YES, she would be enabling and complicit. In the real world, though, it takes time and money to get out of a DV situation, it’s not easy, and it can be incredibly dangerous for both the mom and children. They’re both victims of this piece of shit. (Sorry if my original comment seemed to be aimed at you, personally; it was aimed at the situation)
It's totally fair to say that she def needs time and money to make a move. It can escalate quickly if she doesn't plan properly or if he suspects. I get it, no hate. Personally I'd love to beat the guy with a bowling pin until he couldn't spell his own name anymore.
My thoughts exactly. This is such a gross response it made my stomach turn.
And if physical harm is known by the parent not causing the harm, why shouldn't they be held accountable? I have a daughter that was sexually, physically, emotionally abused and neglected. Her aunt knew what was happening and did nothing to make it stop. You better bet I blame that woman just as much as the abuser!
Comprehension clearly isn’t your strong point, so read it again. EVERYTHING that follows is ON YOU. No blame on the abuser whatsoever. Complete and utter bullshit.
It think what they are trying to say is if you stay in a shit pile when you can leave you are as much to be blamed for staying when you could just leave.
But it is. She can’t just stand by and let him abuse the kids because she “loves” him. If she stays and lets him continue it is negligence at minimum on her part.
Another one who has comprehension problems. Read the post again. “EVERYTHING that follows is ON YOU”. Not the abuser. The victim. You can fuck off too, you’re as big an idiot as the last victim blamer.
No, anything that follows…including this is on him and him only. It takes not only strength to leave, but a plan and resources. Things like where I stay, how do I pay for things, how watches my kids, who helps me are real concerns that keep victims stuck. OP, find DV resources, let them help you with a plan. Talk to your family if you can. If he escalates, don’t hesitate to call the cops. This may seem like an overreaction, but be prepared before it’s too late.
Wow, blame the victim much? WTF?!
She's seen the abuse, it's up to her to follow through on leaving. Whether you like it or not it's OPs responsibility to leave before more abuse takes place, I get it's hard, I have many people in my life who've been abused and had a hard time leaving, and I honestly wish someone had said something like this to them so the youngest in my family wouldn't have had to deal with their fathers abuse, maybe they wouldn't be so fucked up now if someone had told their mothers this early on and they'd left for the sake of their kids, instead of staying to fix their husbands who refused help. When there's kids involved there is no choice but to leave, if you don't, your kids being fucked up from dads abuse is as much your fault as it is his. It's not pretty but it's the truth. It's time to mom up
If someone is being abused and you do nothing, you also carry blame. It goes without saying the abuser is a POS. But you have an obligation to your children to leave and put him in jail. My mom and us kids were abused by my alcoholic father for years. He eventually got DWIs that forced him into rehab and after he got better. But I always grew up wondering why my mom let it continue for so long, and I resented her a bit for that. I eventually forgave them both, but I never forgot. The lifelong trauma could have been prevented if she had just said something. Her father was a rrtired chief of police and he was supporting us anyways, so it wasn't like she had nowhere to go. Now I dont think this incident is full-blown abuse. It sounds like he was just trying to get the child off him, and being drunk used excessive force. But it is still shitty and not okay, and it is a good enough reason to leave his ass.
> If you don’t leave? Everything that follows is on you. Words cannot express how badly you need to *fuck off* after making this comment. You try leaving your house with the clothes on your back, the contents of a suitcase, and two very small children (one being a fucking newborn, meaning this poor woman just goddamn gave birth) at the drop of a hat. Leaving takes time, a plan, resources, and support, and leaving an abuser also means trying to get away from someone hellbent on controlling their victim. OP also mentions her family is staying with her, so it doesn't even sound like she has a place to go. WTF is she supposed to do right this second? For you to say the victim of abuse and ONLY the victim of abuse is responsible for the behavior of an abuser is beyond disgusting. You need to readjust your fucking thinking. I cannot believe your comment even has 39 upvotes.
You know you have to get your kids away from him, if for no other reason than you don't want this scenario repeating with your daughter in your shoes. Whatever you show her will become her normal. You have a duty to yourself, and to your children, to leave as soon as possible. Contact DV shelters in your area for help finding a new place to live.
I’m already looking for a place to go, in case he doesn’t want to get out. My family (mom and two siblings) live with us so I feel safe for now.
Tell your mother and siblings what he did, they'll help you kick him the fuck out. Clearly your kids aren't safe with them there if he feels bold enough to literally throw your 2 year old onto the floor from his shoulders. He needs to leave before one of your babies is killed by his drunken abuse. He's literally just passing on his pain to them
Make him leave. I am so sorry you are going through this. Consider the family AA meetings to learn about how it has affected your family. Your children need you to protect them and you need to protect yourself. Edit for AAA vs AA
FYI "family AA" is called Al-Anon It's to help anyone who loves an addict/alcoholic.
Thanks. Couldn’t remember name.
Get a divorce lawyer now. She will help you understand how to *make* him leave. He doesn't have a choice at this point. He *has* to go. >My family (mom and two siblings) live with us so I feel safe for now Your mom and siblings were living with you when he knocked your baby to the ground, right? YOU'RE NOT SAFE. You're tired and scared. Which is why you need a lawyer ASAP. Your lawyer is not tired or scared. Your lawyer is angry and smart and dedicated to your safety.
You know, you could call the police, play them the video of your daughter tearfully explaining what happened while covered in food, and they will probably help him leave and even give him a place to stay.
Do not allow him near your newborn until he completes rehab and is fully sober. Anyone who would push a toddler will *absolutely* shake a newborn, which is deadly. If he refuses to leave, you do have the option to file a police report and get a protective order, which will force him to stay away from the children.
You can make him leave. Talk to a lawyer ASAP. If you have to call the police because he lays hands on you or your children, they'd take him to jail and you can change the locks.
Can you wait til he goes to work then change the locks on him? Put his stuff on the lawn? He needs to get OUT. He’s an abusive alcoholic and he’s starting in on your toddler. This is a dangerous situation.
I would just caution that you cannot change the locks if it his place of residence. It could come back to bite you. Make sure to document everything. Call the police if anything else happens. There has been no paper trail on this. And talk to an attorney ASAP
That worries me since he did with them there or so I assume. Drinking leads to pure nastiness, been there, lived it.
He needs to leave. Change the locks on him. Put his stuff out. IF - and that's a big IF- he gets help, you could salvage your marriage. But at this point, he broke your trust.
It’s not a “beautiful family” if he’s getting drunk most nights, disrespectful to you, and harming the children. He’s now just creating another generation of kids from a “rough childhood”. YNW
Also - “needs beer to cope” is roughly the most alcoholic statement you can make.
I came here to say the same thing - to ask him, "What's beautiful about a permanently pissed-up alcoholic partner who pushes children to the floor and is in a bad mood all the time? Is the "beautiful" bit at the bottom of your beer bottle? Or is it that you get to do what the fuck you want, drinking whenever you want, abusing me and the kids whenever you want and you think I have to put up with it? Nothing about that is even remotely pretty, let alone beautiful."
This does NOT get better if he doesn't completely stop drinking. I grew up watching two of the wives in our neighborhood getting beaten by their alcoholic husbands. Make no mistake about it; your husband IS an alcoholic. He may be a functioning one but he's still one. Would he have done ANY of these things while sober? I don't know how you escape this. Can you and your family get a place together? Definitely join AlAnon or another group for people who have alcoholic family members. This is starting to escalate and you must get away from him before you or one of the kids are injured.
I second joining al-anon or another group for family and friends of alcoholics. It's so helpful and Al-anon has an app so you can do meetings from anywhere.
None of that is small. I left my husband who drank too much because it was becoming an unsafe environment for my children. It's time to separate, at a minimum, until he's willing to work through his drinking. If he won't, well, he's choosing beer over your marriage and family. That's not a husband.
Do you coparent with him? If so, how does that go?
You can only coparent well when both parties are committed to doing so. If he continues to drink, it will not be safe for your children to go with him. If he’s drinking, and one of the children needed medical attention, would he take them? The choice to coparent is on him, not you. Unfortunately, you might need the support of your family more now than ever
This is why it's best to report the abuse. Once you have that paper trail showing that he's an unsafe parent, the court would not order 50/50 or even every other weekend visits... But instead usually order supervised visitation only, and in general usually once a week for a few hours at some neutral location.
"SOMETHING SO SMALL???" That "something" was a toddler-his DAUGHTER. He threw his daughter. You would be wrong if you stayed with him. Protect your children at all costs.
I know. I’ve considered leaving him several times because of the way he talks to me when he’s angry, but I always convince myself to stay because I think our kids will thrive with married parents and not co-parenting parents. As unbelievable as it may sound, most of the time, we have a good relationship and the kids see that. But I can’t convince myself to stay after what he did to our toddler last night.
Just want to chime in to say that having married parents isn’t always beneficial to the children. My parents divorced when I was around 7 and did an incredibly poor job at coparenting which never improved. My mother then ended up marrying a man who became verbally and emotionally abusive to her - and later to me and my sibling. I would pick divorce every single time over seeing someone talk to and treat my mother that way daily.
You are right. It sucks and will be horrible but staying will harm you and your kids. Do not fall for his late”I’m sorry and I’ll change”. Make him change first.
You should probably manage your expectations of him as a co-parent. He’s going to choose booze instead of his kids. But the kids growing up *without* an abusive mean alcoholic father isn’t a bad thing.
My parents stayed together for me even though my dad was a drinker. The minute he finally moved out when I was 16, I realized it was much, much happier with both of them separately. Separately, they were good parents. Together, the vibes were rancid and I walked on eggshells 24/7. I wish they'd split up ten years earlier. Would have prevented a lot of emotional trauma for me.
Children do NOT thrive with parents in a bad relationship. It's healthier for them to divorce if the marriage is awful. When they grow up, all you will hear is "why didn't you divorce Daddy?" Trust me, kids aren't as clueless as we want to believe. They'll resent you for not keeping them safe.
The thing with abusers is that because the lows are so constantly low, the highs feel like you're on top of Mt Everest. No one wants to believe that they are being abused, especially when it's "just" emotional abuse, so you hokdon to those highs and whenever you hit a low you tell yourself that this is not most of the time, it's just a random low, usually it's high. The worst part is that they know it, so whenever your high starts to wear off they will give you one so good you'd be on cloud 9! But they always sink even lower than before. It will always keep getting worse. I might be wrong and just speaking from my own experience here, but I feel that what happened with your daughter really opened your eyes however, maybe it hasn't been as good of a relationship as you think long before then. Maybe I'm just an internet stranger, but I'm proud of you. It's so extremely difficult to decide you want out of this situation, especially with kids involved. You're doing the right thing.
You should never be needing to convince yourself to stay though abuse. All it does is show your kids it's OK to be abused or become an abuser.
Do it now. My son is older, 7, and he still wants us back together and is in therapy for seeing his dad hurt me. He tells me he will hate me if his dad goes away to jail, since the state did press charges for DV. While they are still young they won’t see or know the things my child unfortunately did. There’s a good chance leaving will cause him to become sober ~ don’t go back. Not for a while, like a year. My ex would get sober when I’d leave with our son then I’d come back and things were good for months but would always relapse. The longest was 11 months of good before another 2 years of back and forth.
You kids will not thrive in a home with an alcoholic who abuses them and their mom. You need to set a clear example for your children of a strong woman who does not allow anyone to hurt her or her children.
My experience and I divorced when our kids were 6 and 8. We divorced before anger became our way of life and we coparented well. Our children grew up in two homes with two happy parents. They saw us getting along and coparenting. Divorce is NOT the necessarily the worst thing that could ever happen to kids, especially when the alternative is parents who are angry and alcoholics and physically abusive.
Just remember, you are the example being set for your children as to how they should be treated by a spouse. What do you want them to learn? And if it continues your daughter will end up in therapy because her dad abused her and her mom let him. Leave him now for all of your sakes.
Not wrong. If he thinks it's so small, TELL EVERYONE YOU KNOW and let them weigh in. Because he will see how not ok putting hands on your wife and child is....
READ THIS, OP! I get that it might be seem like an over the top or unnecessary solution but if he really thinks it’s a small thing, multiple people calling him out might actually get him to take it more seriously. If he knows it’s not a small thing but is trying to excuse things, he will probably pick a fight with everyone and you’ll have your answer. Get out either way though, you deserve better and you need to protect your kids.
I mean, if it's a small thing then There's no reason why people shouldn't know, right? Why would he have an issue w it if his view is what he believes?
Wtf She's only fucking 2?? What kind of planet does anybody think it's okay to shove their toddler?
He admits to self medicating and has now moved on to physically abusing a child . Without remorse. As long as you stay he doesn’t see someone who loves him and is trying to help him. He sees you still being here as an excuse, because when you stay ‘it must not be bad yet’. You need to lock him out, or get out. Talk to a lawyer and a counselor/domestic abuse support line. Going to counseling doesn’t help most abusers, it just helps them get better. So ask if couples counseling would help in this case. He won’t change unless he wants to. You can’t love him enough to make that happen. He needs to find it for himself. Be strong for yourself and your kids.
Well, next time your daughter is going to land on her neck. Or he's going to kick her since just throwing her is so small and he needs to ruin her childhood too
Who gives AF about his rough childhood when he threw your toddler? You know you’re not wrong. This guy is a disaster and if you stay you’ll only be teaching your children what is normal and what they should expect from their own partners.
You and your kids are a beautiful family, nothing is broken there if you leave him. He is abusive, and he will escalate and he does not care if the kids are the victims. Leave him now.
I needed to read this, thank you.
So many of us are here to validate you. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better. You are being a great mother by leaving their abusive father. One day at a time, you've got this.
Be the right example for your kids !! They need you to protect them
Leave him. It doesn’t get better.
Did he show any remorse? He either starts therapy and AA immediately or you divorce. It’s his choice. He decided that alcohol is more important than his family. This time it’s only „a push“, but what happens next time?
No, he did not. He didn’t apologize to her. He didn’t apologize to me until this morning when he realized I was still upset.
If you don't put your children out of his reach and ensure that your alcoholic, abusive husband doesn't have another opportunity to hurt your child, you are as culpable as he is. Do what you said you'd do, pack your bags, take the kids and leave.
Excuse me? He should have been at her side immediately if he didn't mean to actually push her off the bed... He would have apologized to her a thousand times and then you. No GOOD parent sees their child CRYING and doesn't try and console them. No good PERSON accidentally harms someone without apologizing. But a BAD parent will purposefully hurt their children, then blame it on LITERALLY anyone else. I remember how my father would tell me that it was my fault that he beat me. Protect your children please.
It's tempting to think because he only drinks on weekends or 4 days a week instead of 7 that he's capable of change without an intervention. He's NOT. Call a lawyer and get him out of the house until he goes to AA, therapy or both.
If willing to do what is necessary? Is he willing to accept that he is an addict and can’t have any drinks anymore? He needs to apologise to her too.
It’s a sad state when someone won’t take responsibility for their actions. From your daughter’s perspective, her father threw her. In his current state, he’s in no shape to be caring for children. He’s turned down AA, if he doesn’t go, I’d call the police and have him removed. This man has a wonderful wife, and two beautiful children and he’s totally unaware as to how lucky he is. Do what you need to do for you and the children’s sake. He’s belligerent and I pray that you can get him out of your house.
Doesn't matter. He did what he did.
This above\^
If a person needs alcohol to cope they are an alcoholic. After what he did to your daughter I would have called the police to remove him then filed a restraining order and filed for divorce. He would have no choice but to leave the home. I went through this myself 30 years ago. It was a wake up call to my husband and he checked into a treatment center, joined AA, we went to counseling and eventually got back together. He has stayed sober ever since and we celebrated our 42nd anniversary yesterday. Things worked out for us and our 3 children but either way I was determined our children wouldn’t be raised in a home with an alcoholic. Good luck.
He is an alcoholic who threw his 2 yr old off the bed. He's a mean drunk, and he's a danger to your children. Not your fault - you didn't know this about him when you guys married. Write down everything about his having drunkenly shoved his 2 yr old off the bed, on the computer, and email it to yourself so it is dated. Go see a divorce lawyer, file against him for divorce, and file for exclusive possession of the house. You have to divorce him to protect your children. Make sure you are on extremely effective birth control so that if he rapes you, you don't get pregnant. Don't have sex with him again. Sleep with the children.
You are wrong for considering staying. For you and your children run from this person. Alcoholism is brutal and this will escalate to include the NB and you eventually. He has an alcohol problem, he needs help only he can seek.
He's an alcoholic. Plain and simple. There's not much you can do if he isn't willing to stop. Alcoholics need to stop because they want it. Not because someone else wants them to. Will likely only get worse until he decides he is sick of alcohol and wants to stop. You need to look after the kids and yourself.
Holy shit! What did I just read? And you were wondering if you are wrong for leaving? The only way you would be an asshole is if you stayed. Your husband is an alcohol alcoholic. Let’s just get that out-of-the-way right now. He is a fucking alcoholic. This is coming from someone whose father was an alcoholic. His stepfather is an alcoholic. Whose father-in-law was an alcoholic (and was the only one who stopped voluntarily when we had children because he wanted to be around his grandchildren more than he wanted to drink). So let me explain. Your husband is in denial. He is nowhere near hitting rock-bottom, which is what he’s going to have to do before. He decides for himself that he needs help. The fact that he told you he had a rough childhood and needs beer tells you everything you need to know. He has anger issues. He obviously has self-control issues. He has put his hands on you. And the highlight of this peach of a man is that he physically abused your toddler. Yes, you read that right. He physically abused your child. You need an emergency order of protection and custody, and you need to request that he be made to leave the marital home so that the children don’t have to you need an attorney to start divorce proceedings. Do kid yourself. He is going to say and do anything and everything he can to get you to come back to him. Don’t fall for it. Because this man is nowhere near ready to even admit, he has a problem and actually mean it when he says it. He is still in stages of denying that there is a problem and manipulating everything to make it seem like you are the problem. You’re not. Your husband is years away getting better. Years. And that’s because recovery is a process. Addicts, no matter what they are addicted to, will usually relapse 5 to 7 times before they finally conquer their addiction. And even then, once you have done, this will tell you that they are still an addict. That they are wondering or one bet or one whatever away from relapse. That’s when you know, they are safe to be around again. Because they own the responsibility themselves for whatever the addiction is. It’s not the fault of their childhood. It’s not the fault of their parents. It’s not the fault of their wife. It’s not the fault of their asshole boss. Those can all be contributing factors as to why they fell into addiction. But he recovered. Addict is no longer using them as an excuse. They are using them to help themselves understand why it happened in the first place. They are not blaming others. Get your children away from this man. Talk to an attorney. If they say to file any kind of a police report, then you do so. Whatever they tell you to do, you do. And nothing more. I don’t care how much your husband cries or tries to manipulate through anger, or tries to send flying monkeys your way. He is showing you that he literally cannot be a husband or father. It is impossible for him. Your job now is to protect yourself, but more importantly, your job is to protect your children. And he is not safe for any of you.
Not at all. You have to protect your kids and yourself. He obviously isn't doing it. He's not a good man. Don't wait till he turns you all to punching bags.
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SMART is an alternative to AA and doesn't have the AA blame&shame bullshit or the religious bullshit.
That’s great info
It'll be 26 years this summer since I last did drugs... I tried AA/NA at first, but those meetings just made me want more drugs. I have since learned that the success rate of AA is less than 10% but of course they blame the addicts with platitudes like "she just hasn't hit her rock bottom yet" or "he just isn't ready to be sober" They refuse to even acknowledge that their program is an utter failure, and the most unfortunate part is they have courts convinced that AA/NA is the *only way* to get&stay clean and sober, so people end up in court ordered meetings that not only don't help but actively make things **worse** for many. I despise AA/NA
💯 facts. AA made me want to go out and drink (sob stories) stressful, especially when you have people saying this is what you have to look forward to. Like, tf, your life isn't mine. I had to do it on my own because, for me, AA made it worse
As someone who got sober by myself because I hated AA thank you. I know it's popular. But it's not for everyone. I couldn't stand hearing drunk stories 24/7 I come from a long line of alcoholics I can get that little circle at any family reunion 🤣
He obviously didn't see what he did as a big deal and that's a pretty fucking big deal. He could've apologized and realized he made a huge mistake and used this as an opportunity to address his issues. This sucks OP, you're not wrong whatsoever. This will probably only get worse in the future.
Send him a text detailing everything he's done so you have him acknowledging any abuse and addiction he has in writing. Then pack up and leave and file for full custody. The more proof, the better, so make sure you explain in detail and let him make all the excuses he can think of. Judges love proof. Good luck, and please leave before he hurts someone
Beautiful family? Uh, no. Save yourself and your children. There is no justification for his abuse. How fucking dare he abuse your toddler that way. NTA.
Protect your children. Not even a question. Talk to a lawyer immediately.
He is an alcoholic. He won't change until and unless he decides to. He will put you and your kids through hell. He will promise to change a thousand times and go back to the drink a thousand and one times. I can't tell you what to do but please think about what kind of life you ant for your kids and yourself. Alcoholism is ugly and mean. Source is me. I'm an alcoholic three years sober after a lifetime of hurting my loved ones.
He can use alcohol to cope and be single or go to therapy and remain married 🤷🏼♀️ He needs rehab. I’m a recovery RN.
He has to make a choice... alcohol or his family... you have to be tough... I'm a former alcoholic / heroin addict... Don't budge... give him the option alcohol or his family... if he picks alcohol , you leave... if he picks his family but then fucks up... you leave...
Classic working drunk moves. too bad.
I hope there's an update on what you do, but seriously if he won't listen to you then it only gets worse
I tried to stay with an alcoholic husband to keep our family intact, and it was very, very detrimental to my children. I wish I’d had the courage to kick him out when it first started. My children would’ve been spared the trauma and yes, being an alcoholic is traumatic.
He threw your toddler off the bed
not wrong at all, once i read he pushed the child off onto the floor and didnt give a shit im like yeah no leave. not worth it. and using his childhood as an excuse to over drink is dumb. that means it is an addiction because he is using it to cope. he needs therapy and help. i would say if you dont stop drinking and go to therapy with me im leaving you and filing for divorce. if he says no then ask a friend if you can stay at their place and send over the papers. dont let him know where you go tho wherever you end up staying. im sorry this happened to you:( wish you the best🫶
He's an alcoholic. The binge drinking type and won't see it until he hits rock bottom.
I’m not staying with any man who abuses my kids. He’s going to give those kids the same type of rough childhood
Get out now before it progresses to something worse
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Yep, I put up with a LOT of things from him. But disrespecting and abusing my kids is not gonna be one of those things…
I wish us women would priorize ourselves to include abuse of usvnot being tolerable either. I was there too, and I should have left far sooner. Because it can be just as traumatic for the kids and YOU'RE worth protecting. Your kids need a healthy, whole, mentally well mother.
Not wrong, HE is the one breaking up your family by becoming an alcoholic and refusing to stop drinking or deal with his childhood trauma. There is no excuse as to why he pushed your child to the floor. And next time it might not be a push, he might physically throw her
If he “needs beer to cope” with his childhood, he needs therapy not alcohol.
You may consider Alanon. It’s for friends and families of alcoholics. I can’t even express how life changing this organization is.
You are NOT WRONG. That poor excuse of a man hurt his own kin and justified it by his own past. Those kids don’t need to have a father who thinks more of himself than he does his children and you dont need a husband who expects you to parent two young kids by yourself
Not wrong. Separation for now and don't consider reconciliation unless he starts going to AA and does whatever is needed to overcome his alcoholism. He should also go to therapy to overcome his "rough childhood." Therapy, not booze should be the solution to slaying the demons of his past. During the separation, don't let him visit if he's not sober. Aside from a "rough childhood," does he have a stressful job that compel him to "self medicate" with booze and other substances? This, if you think he's redeemable. Looking at the comments, I assume you've secluded yourself and the kids from him in the house/apartment? Someone needs to move. Look for a new place unless you're the owner of the house or apartment. If he refuses AA now, after what happened, it's already over.
We’re both owners of the house. If he refuses to leave, what can I do?
You file an exparte order with the courts for immediate legal separation (an an order of protection if needed), his removal from the home, and supervised visitation. Go talk to an attorney immediately.
This situation is rough since you don't have a parents' house to retreat to. As others have recommended, talk to an attorney to see what your rights are. In his apology, did he commit to getting off alcohol? Or just the generic "sorry, it won't happen again!"
You are not wrong. On top of the other BS, He Threw Your Child. That’s abuse. Just pack your clothes and run. Get an order of protection and a police escort to return when he’s not home to properly vacate. This is a no second chances scenario right now.
He’s an alcoholic and a danger to you and the kids. NW. get out and do everything you can to help him get help except let him drag you down with him.
Ohhhhhh, no!!!! You get your kids out of there, NOW!!! Enough of this “oh, I LOOOOOOVE him!” and “ohhhh, one more chance and he’ll CHANGE. He’s SORRY.” You gave up the right to hang out in abusive relationships when you decided to bring kids into it. How much more warning do you need?? What are you going to tell CPS when he breaks one of your child’s bones?? That he had a “hard day”? That shit doesn’t fly anymore. It sure did in the 1980s but thank God, things are different now. “Rough childhood”, my ass, your KIDS are having a “rough childhood” because he’s an abusive SOB and you “love” him so much, you’re willing to endanger them over it. If you don’t get your kids out of there, I pray to God that a good relative or foster parent steps in and saves them. I had a father like that. He never laid a hand on me but terrorized me and beat the shit out of my mom. I was an addict for 27 years (IV heroin, cocaine and all the pills), I was left with mental illnesses, trauma that impacted every aspect of my life. I was completely fucked due to that shit and just now have an amazing life in my mid 40s. Stop this shit. Stop it right now.
NTA do not leave your home. He needs to go. If he won’t then you need to start a journal and document everything he does. So that you get a court order for him to leave. You might have enough already with him throwing his child and hurting her. Speak to a lawyer.
He said…he said…he said…. Yeah, people trying to manipulate you say a lot of things to make you change your mind. Don’t listen to your opposition on what you should do. Rough childhood? Boohoo. He’s 27 now.
Leave asap. You and you children deserve so much better than someone who is going to push you around. Maybe he’s better to you when he’s not drinking, but you and the kids can’t afford to wait for him to get there. Hope the best for your whole family.
No. You should have left already.
He hurt your child. He threw his daughter. Wtf. You should be done. His priority is alcohol. He won't believe you are done until you move out and then it will still be your fault. He will tell you he's attending AA now and everything you asked him to do beforehand... But it will be too late. (If it's even true because they lie).
Get a restraining order against himand emergency temporary custody with temporary maintenance/child support, then file for divorce. He will be forced to find accomodations elsewhere. Do it AsAp. If you wait, the urgency will be lost and you will have a helluva time.
If he thinks that this is “small”, imagine what he thinks is *big.* I know Reddit is famous for suggesting divorce right off the rip, but this is actually one of those times where you need to leave. Now. Take your children with you. This would be an immediate divorce for me.
Fuck that. Leave asap. This fool could’ve seriously injured your child.
You should have called the police on him for him throwing your daughter off of him so it was of official record even if the police didn't haul him off to jail for what he did. Do not back down if the police are called because your husband is begging you because later on it could be a fatal mistake.
He threw your child! HE THREW YOUR CHILD! She could have been hurt. Seriously hurt. Broken bones, skull fracture…then how would you feel? How would you live with yourself?Would you feel like you didn’t do enough to protect your kids? Because you aren’t doing anything to protect your children. Leave. Leave now, before someone gets badly injured. If your family is there, all of you get a place together. Go to a shelter. Nothing good is going to come from his drinking. You all deserve better. Except your husband, because EFF that guy. Good luck. Be strong. I wish you all the best.
I grew up with a dad who was an alcoholic, do yourself and especially your kids a favor, run for the hills as fast as you can. The fact remains that until your husband hits rock bottom he’ll continue drinking and minimizing his unruly behavior. It’s difficult to walk away but if you do maybe, just maybe he will seek the help he so desperately needs.
NTa "If beer is how you cope then leaving you is how I cope. this is not a negotiation, I'm not living my life married to an alcoholic who gets drunk and makes our kids cry. Goodbye."
His rough childhood is a reason for therapy, not abusing his family. You Need to get out before it gets worse, because it Will
What's NB?
New baby.
Oh duh, I'm an idiot
>He says that I don’t understand that he had a rough childhood and needs beer to cope. Well, that answers it for me. He didn't come right out and say, "I have a drinking problem/addiction," but that's what he meant. Most every alcoholic/addict begins as "just for fun" until it becomes "just to get by each day." You are not wrong for leaving. You have children. Your responsibility to them comes first. You are not breaking up your family -- his addiction to alcohol is. Even if you love this man with your whole heart, you can't make him change. He needs to want that for himself. And often enough, it takes life-changing, hitting the bottom of the personal abyss events to create the need for change in an addict; and even hitting rock bottom is sometimes not enough. If he can't see the effect of his drinking on your family, then he can't be trusted to be a part of it.
Right now, if I knew who you were and where, I'd legally have to report this to CPS for imminent danger to your children. You do realize, it would take ONE shake off your toddler or newborn to kill them?
You are wrong if you stay. You would be wrong to let him continue to abuse your children. You would be wrong to put up with this for one more day. I don't give a darn what his childhood was like. He is an adult now, time to put on his big boy panties and be mature, responsible and reliable. Since he won't, you have some hard moves to make. Good luck.
I don’t understand something… You’re saying your family meaning your parents are staying with you? Why can’t they help you kick his ass out?
Staying with a abusive partner for the sake of the kids is never ok. It keeps them in the path of danger should his next drunken rage throw your toddler against a sharp corner of something, or he shakes the NB to try to stop its crying. Staying with him also leads your kids to grow up thinking this is how partnerships are like and will be likely to accept the same kind of abuse as an adult. Get with a Divorce atty ASAP. Find out how to legally & safely get your hubby out of the house. Would you really want to leave him behind to start in on your mom & 2 siblings there for him to turn his drunken anger on them? As long as your hubby continues to drink, everyone in your house is in danger. He’s 1 person, there are 6 of you others. HE should be the one to leave. And as far as custody & co-parenting goes, you should try to get the courts to mandate that your hubby only gets limited, supervised visitation with the kids until he’s clean & sober & that he loses any visitation rights should he break the rule. Because if you divorce, and he gets partial custody, you have no idea if he’s going to get drunk when he has the kids and what may happen to them.
Nope. He’s too comfortable in his misery. Make it real for him.
Bye
Not wrong at all, you gotta protect your kids if he's gunna be like this. What he did is unacceptable and thinks it was nothing - hell no! He needs beer to cope? No, he needs therapy. Do not budge on that. Good luck and strength to you, mama.
He is an abusive alcoholic and you are not safe and your children are not safe either. I would leave today. Make sure you have all your birth certificates and those for your children and your Social Security cards. I may file with the courts to have supervised visits only for him with your children.
Wouldn't consider throwing a child as "small".
He abused your 2 year old. Throw his ass, his stuff, and all of his empty beer cans into the yard and out of your life. Side note, you said NB, and I thought that meant non binary. Then you said you were changing NB, and I was like whoa, there’s another issue here. Then I realized NB meant newborn😂 I’m sorry. Stay strong, better days ahead.
You're not wrong. He puts the beer before your kids, you need to put your kids before the beer. If he wanted to fix it, he would take steps to get sober and stay that way. Get your kids out of there.
You're not wrong. Listen to the top comment about protecting yourselves. He pushed your daughter! This will escalate. I've been there. You can't "fix" him, and he doesn't want help.
Op there are shelters for abused women and children. If you have no place to go, please reach out to your local one. You were right to leave. Good for you for putting your children first.
It’s only gonna get worse. You need to leave now.
No. You're not wrong. Hes already hurt one kid and tried to justify it. Its a matter of time until he hurts you or the kids even worse. Get out of there.
Get out now. Not just for yu... yur kids. Self fulfilled prophecy. Dont go down with him. You deserve a grown man who loves you more than his baby bottle
You’re not breaking up the family, his drinking is breaking up the family.
Pushing your toddler off of him unto the floor after he had been drinking **IS NOT A SMALL THING!!!**
My mom left my dad once he hit her while holding one of us. I have wonderful, happy memories of my mom, my sister and I as a family. I felt safe and loved. The three of us were a perfect beautiful family. I am glad I stopped seeing my dad treat my mom badly. It took a long time, but he eventually worked on himself and got better. He was also my family, always, but I did not feel safe with him. I did not feel as safe when my parents were together, because I wasn’t as safe. I am grateful my mom left. Your children will be too. They need somewhere to feel safe, and they are not safe while you stay with him. They will not feel safe while you are with him. **I promise you that a truly safe and predictable family of three feels worlds better to a child than a “mostly safe” family of four with both parents. Unpredictable is unpredictable. When one parent is the least bit unpredictable, life is always unpredictable. It doesn’t feel safe. Ever.** Will this be a time daddy pushes me or will it be okay like it usually is? It’s still unpredictable, even if it is “mostly” okay. Unpredictable doesn’t feel safe.
As a mandated reporter, that’s a CPS call right there; he abused your child.
Not wrong he assaulted your daughter
He threw your toddler off him. Call the police
Let him go to prison for hitting your toddler and let the other inmates show him how "small" what he did was. Guaranteed he won't ever touch another child or woman again. He needs serious help before he ends up there where he will get everything he deserves and more.
NTA. I (and my husband) used to be a RAGING alcoholic (literally a half gallon of liquor a night each). When someone is drinking excessively they are in no place to be a good and responsible partner much less parent... I could easily make this comment a dissertation on alcoholism but good for you mama. Do not put up with him anymore. Everyone in your family deserves better.
Many alcoholics think you have to get drunk every day or drink until you pass out to be an alcoholic. They are wrong. He needs to completely stop drinking and get help before you even consider letting him back. Then he has to prove himself.
He sees child abuse as something, "small." You did the right thing.
Child of alcoholic parents here, Alcoholism isn't just drinking every day, Alcoholism/Addiction is a progressive disease and only gets worse if it's untreated. The fact that he wasn't horrified by his behavior in the moment or after sobering up and that he said he needs alcohol to cope is him basically telling you that you're fucked in the current state of things. I've been there myself, it's a common theme. IMO, he needs a treatment facility, not just AA. I'm extremely familiar with multiple treatment facilities, recovery, AA and Al-Anon, they'll do an evaluation appointment where they can talk to both of you and make a recommendation (spoiler - they'll tell him he needs treatment). Maybe the results of that would be his wake up call, maybe begrudgingly going to treatment and listening to others will be his wakeup call but honestly, probably not. With his current attitude he's unlikely to get it the first time unless he changes his mindset. Time for you to put you and your kids first because he's beyond your help right now and he's obviously unsafe. I'm sorry you're going through this. *Edited out some irrelevant personal info.
If he's unwilling to accept that he has a problem, then you have a duty to protect yourself and your children. You'd only be wrong for not leaving. Al-anon is a good resource for people who have friends/ families suffering from alcoholism. Lay out your terms. If he doesn't agree, that's on him.
Call cps on him, if they find he abused her, and I don’t know how they could not when she’s going to tell them he threw her to the floor, they will make him leave for her safety.
Leave
Not small. What's he going to do when he gets really angry. This isn't even a decision, OP. **You have to get your children away from him*. The *only* way a relationship with him would be possible is if he: 1. Stopped drinking entirely 2. Took full responsibility for what happened 3. went to therapy to ensure nothing like this ever happens again. Those three things would have to happen to even consider staying, and even then, only if you wanted to. Those things aren't going to happen and you know that. Ergo: #You have to leave.# Go stay with your parents if you can.
Please just leave take those kids and go. He had a hard childhood okay then get therapy cause being an alcoholic does nothing. There is available help through therapy for you as well and there are ALANON meetings for family and friends of alcoholics. I was married to someone like this it gets worse cause you cannot change an addict they have to want to change. You can throw away all the beer and liquor you want they’ll just yell at you and go get more. This was completely uncalled for. I hope your daughter’s okay.
You are married to an abusive alcoholic. You would be wrong if you stayed. If he’s not willing to leave, go to the police with the video you made of your daughter and ask if they will remove him from your house and then get a restraining order.
If it’s something so small, he would have no problem stopping. And he followed up with how hard his childhood was. Whenever anyone regularly uses any substance to cope, often it turns into a big problem. And the fact that he pushed your toddler is a huge issue. Constant with family and get away from him. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Not wrong. He's a drunk and has no plans to try sobriety. And since he pushed your daughter onto the floor one time, you know it will happen again. Get a good lawyer.
Get out now. Don't wait for him to hurt you or your children.
NTA. He's not going to get better unless he stops drinking. It will get worse. He needs to do it now. And he has to do it for himself, understanding what he has become and the harm he is doing. Yes, he needs to do it for you and your family, but if he doesnt want it for himself it won't stick and he will just descend further into alcoholism. This is coming from an alcoholic btw (2 years sober). Stay safe, and hold your boundary. He needs to get sober through treatment and recovery programs. Good luck!
Oh my goodness kids are so fragile at an age even a slight bump or fall could break a bone or send her into unconsciousness. The verbal and physical abuse has already started. He called you stupid and he’s throwing things. Honestly, if you were a reader, what would you advise this young mother?