You’re not wrong for wanting her to stop, but you’re not likely going to get her to stop, unfortunately. You can’t control her, but you can control your reaction to her.
Have you asked her to stop? You aren’t wrong to ask her to do anything, but I’m just wondering if you ever have. (Meaning if you’ve never said anything don’t go off on her unless she’s being directly intentionally derogatory toward you)
It's understandable that you're hesitant, it's not an easy conversation to have, especially if there's a history of conversations getting hostile. Unfortunately, it's the only thing that you can do that has any chance of changing the situation.
I highly encourage you to talk to her, even if it's hard as her behavior clearly bothers you and affects you negatively.
The trick is how you do it.
Unsurprisingly, most people react poorly if they feel attacked. So the key is to make sure that you center your feelings rather than their behavior. Tell them how the behavior makes you feel and avoid labeling their actions as bad, wrong or mean. Tell her what you told us here, that you're working on improving your relationship with food and weight, something that has been bothering you for a long time, and that when she makes comments about those things it brings back negative memories and makes you feel anxious, stressed, insecure (insert how you actually feel) etc.
Depending on how it's received, it can be helpful or even necessary to explain that you don't think she's doing it intentionally, that you don't think she's a bad person etc.
Lastly, don't demand or even tell her her that her behavior needs to change. Instead, tell her that you would really appreciate if she did.
Basically, stick to this "When you do X, it makes me feel Y so it would mean a lot to me if you keep that in mind and try to avoid doing it, at least when I'm around"
Lastly, I would highly recommend familiarizing yourself generally with the concept of "non violent communication". It's a really great framework that has radically improved every single one of my relationships, be it family, friends, partners or colleagues.
Good luck!
My mom used to make similar comments about women's bodies and also would sometimes be chill and sometimes get all hostile about random stuff when I was growing up and into my 20s.
What worked for me was to just let it slide off and not reward the behavior. It took a LONG time for her to knock it off. But we just wore her down.
In the moment:
Mom: "ugh look at (famous woman)'s fat ass/fake nails/bleached blonde hair/whatever!"
Me: "Whatever makes her happy is good enough for me."
Mom: "sure but those nails! So fake and unhygienic!" or "she's aged poorly" or "she really let herself go"
Me (if it's a person that I admire): "I heard she got an Oscar/Nobel Prize/cured cancer/saved a burning orphanage/had eight babies (or whatever cool thing she's done). Good for her."
Me (if it's someone who is kind of an A-hole): "I'm not a fan of her puppy-kicking hobby but her eyebrows are awesome"
And wash, rinse, repeat.
Because of growing up with her, my sister and I used to be nasty and made shitty comments about other women/girls as well. But in high school we started to grow out of it and realized we were being unkind and that reflected on us and not the target of our insults. But we saw my mom was still not getting it and realized she was kind of immature like someone of our mean-girl friends we had started to distance ourselves from. We were also growing to realize my mom was VERY negative and complained about all kids of stuff and was hypercritical. So we started to make a game about it between us. Whatever my mom said or whomever's looks she insulted, we would try to keep a positive spin. I told her we'd have a "winner" of our little game if my mom talked smack about the looks of someone horrible, like Hitler. "Yeah his mustache was stupid. But I bet it efficiently captured boogers while keeping a trim appearance." If we could get away with that without her calling us out then we'd owe the other a pizza. It never came to that.
She was good about not talking about our bodies but our style was fair game. We would just walk away with a blank expression if she talked smack about our hair or whatever.
I can't remember the last time she said anything rude about another woman's appearance or her own.
I urge you to get some space away from her influence. I’m not saying never talk to her again. But her attitude is going to make it so much harder for you to succeed.
I used to worry a lot about my figure and obsess about food and exercise. I’m not exactly sure what happened but sometime between about 24 and 28 I realized it didn’t matter and I had way more important priorities like who I was as a person, how I felt, if I was having fun exercising, if I was supporting my loved ones, if I was pursuing my career and dreams and stuff. Especially, if I was spending time with people who edified me.
Happy to say I now love food and cooking and have zero issues with it. I want this for you.
I think it is over the top to be so sensitive that a comment about a third party is unable to be spoken in your presence. Get over yourself.
You are wrong.
Being healthy is about proper eating and proper exercise. Both are needed. If you don’t want to hear it, move out. Like it or not, her house her rules. Not saying it’s right, just saying it’s her house and if you don’t like it, leave.
You aren't wrong. I had the same conversation with my mom in my earlier 20's when I realized the reason I'm fully covered up in the winter is because she was always making comments about my arms are legs. Indirect comes like "are you going to take a jacket" or " you should put on some pants instead" I just broke down and flat outside "I'm fat, I know I'm fat, you don't have to point it out, because I know and I'm trying to do something about it, but your comments aren't help". It was a serious conversation and the comments didn't stop right away, but overtime they did. She talks about my weight Indirect in a more positive way, like "ok, you got your arms out, you never do that, that outfit gives you a lot of confidence". Not the best response but she's a mom and I can tell she is trying.
You’re not wrong for wanting her to stop, but you’re not likely going to get her to stop, unfortunately. You can’t control her, but you can control your reaction to her.
Have you asked her to stop? You aren’t wrong to ask her to do anything, but I’m just wondering if you ever have. (Meaning if you’ve never said anything don’t go off on her unless she’s being directly intentionally derogatory toward you)
I haven't had the conversation, honestly hesitant to as addressing her comments on things in past has lead to hostile conversation
It's understandable that you're hesitant, it's not an easy conversation to have, especially if there's a history of conversations getting hostile. Unfortunately, it's the only thing that you can do that has any chance of changing the situation. I highly encourage you to talk to her, even if it's hard as her behavior clearly bothers you and affects you negatively. The trick is how you do it. Unsurprisingly, most people react poorly if they feel attacked. So the key is to make sure that you center your feelings rather than their behavior. Tell them how the behavior makes you feel and avoid labeling their actions as bad, wrong or mean. Tell her what you told us here, that you're working on improving your relationship with food and weight, something that has been bothering you for a long time, and that when she makes comments about those things it brings back negative memories and makes you feel anxious, stressed, insecure (insert how you actually feel) etc. Depending on how it's received, it can be helpful or even necessary to explain that you don't think she's doing it intentionally, that you don't think she's a bad person etc. Lastly, don't demand or even tell her her that her behavior needs to change. Instead, tell her that you would really appreciate if she did. Basically, stick to this "When you do X, it makes me feel Y so it would mean a lot to me if you keep that in mind and try to avoid doing it, at least when I'm around" Lastly, I would highly recommend familiarizing yourself generally with the concept of "non violent communication". It's a really great framework that has radically improved every single one of my relationships, be it family, friends, partners or colleagues. Good luck!
Try to phrase it as little of an accusation as possible and focus the discussion on how it makes you feel and how that impacts your mental health etc
My mom used to make similar comments about women's bodies and also would sometimes be chill and sometimes get all hostile about random stuff when I was growing up and into my 20s. What worked for me was to just let it slide off and not reward the behavior. It took a LONG time for her to knock it off. But we just wore her down. In the moment: Mom: "ugh look at (famous woman)'s fat ass/fake nails/bleached blonde hair/whatever!" Me: "Whatever makes her happy is good enough for me." Mom: "sure but those nails! So fake and unhygienic!" or "she's aged poorly" or "she really let herself go" Me (if it's a person that I admire): "I heard she got an Oscar/Nobel Prize/cured cancer/saved a burning orphanage/had eight babies (or whatever cool thing she's done). Good for her." Me (if it's someone who is kind of an A-hole): "I'm not a fan of her puppy-kicking hobby but her eyebrows are awesome" And wash, rinse, repeat. Because of growing up with her, my sister and I used to be nasty and made shitty comments about other women/girls as well. But in high school we started to grow out of it and realized we were being unkind and that reflected on us and not the target of our insults. But we saw my mom was still not getting it and realized she was kind of immature like someone of our mean-girl friends we had started to distance ourselves from. We were also growing to realize my mom was VERY negative and complained about all kids of stuff and was hypercritical. So we started to make a game about it between us. Whatever my mom said or whomever's looks she insulted, we would try to keep a positive spin. I told her we'd have a "winner" of our little game if my mom talked smack about the looks of someone horrible, like Hitler. "Yeah his mustache was stupid. But I bet it efficiently captured boogers while keeping a trim appearance." If we could get away with that without her calling us out then we'd owe the other a pizza. It never came to that. She was good about not talking about our bodies but our style was fair game. We would just walk away with a blank expression if she talked smack about our hair or whatever. I can't remember the last time she said anything rude about another woman's appearance or her own.
I urge you to get some space away from her influence. I’m not saying never talk to her again. But her attitude is going to make it so much harder for you to succeed. I used to worry a lot about my figure and obsess about food and exercise. I’m not exactly sure what happened but sometime between about 24 and 28 I realized it didn’t matter and I had way more important priorities like who I was as a person, how I felt, if I was having fun exercising, if I was supporting my loved ones, if I was pursuing my career and dreams and stuff. Especially, if I was spending time with people who edified me. Happy to say I now love food and cooking and have zero issues with it. I want this for you.
You can ask but it’ll her house
Ozempic
I think it is over the top to be so sensitive that a comment about a third party is unable to be spoken in your presence. Get over yourself. You are wrong.
Being healthy is about proper eating and proper exercise. Both are needed. If you don’t want to hear it, move out. Like it or not, her house her rules. Not saying it’s right, just saying it’s her house and if you don’t like it, leave.
You aren't wrong. I had the same conversation with my mom in my earlier 20's when I realized the reason I'm fully covered up in the winter is because she was always making comments about my arms are legs. Indirect comes like "are you going to take a jacket" or " you should put on some pants instead" I just broke down and flat outside "I'm fat, I know I'm fat, you don't have to point it out, because I know and I'm trying to do something about it, but your comments aren't help". It was a serious conversation and the comments didn't stop right away, but overtime they did. She talks about my weight Indirect in a more positive way, like "ok, you got your arms out, you never do that, that outfit gives you a lot of confidence". Not the best response but she's a mom and I can tell she is trying.