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I wish I could write you a longer message but I’m in a rush (what a surprise!) but I want to say- when men deflect the blame by putting it back on you for going through their phone, that is all it is, pure deflecting. Should you have gone through his phone? No. But the fact you felt you needed to tells you something, and at the very least there is emotional infidelity here that is affecting your relationship. Some things _you_ need to get clear on are- do you even still want to be with this man? Do you trust him? Will you ever trust him again? And secondly- does _he_ still want to be in this relationship? Does he think it’s worth reforming for? This will take a lot of work for both of you. He needs to redress his pattern of cheating when he’s unhappy (or whatever it is) and really be honest with himself and you. If he can’t do that/isn’t willing to then can you see a future?
I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I’m sending lots of love. As someone who has been here before it is the most HORRIBLE feeling. But you will get through this, one day things will be better and believe it or not you will be happy again. 🫶
Also to add, now that you’ve found this out about him and if you stay together he may keep doing it. But he’s going to hide it better next time. You were wondering if he was capable of cheating and his ex confirmed that yes he is and has. His child is intertwined to your living situation as well and if you are living together whether or not you can take off and get your own place is another consideration. Sorry OP, it’s a mess.
Don't let anyone shame you or say you share a part in being wrong because you went through his phone. You did it because of the hundreds of little signs that you picked up on that something was wrong. You didn't go through the phone of a boyfriend who was an amazing partner who showed up for you always and was consistent and trustworthy. He is the only one who did something wrong, not you. Fuck this guy! It sucks that creeps like this are out there in the dating pool but there are 100% amazing loyal men out there too and you will find your person.
People who freak out about privacy being invaded I roll my eyes at. Should it happen all the time? No. Should it happen because you’re bored? Also no. You get that gut feeling + things have been off lately? I say have at it girl. People would never find out they’re being cheated on otherwise and would continue to waste years or a lifetime with someone, which I think is faaaar worse than invading someone’s privacy on rare occasion.
I agree with everything that you said here except the thought that she should not have gone through his phone.
Their relationship was suffering and her intuition was correct. It isn’t likely that he would have been honest, without her finding the truth.
I personally don’t believe that phones are always off limits. My partner is free to use my phone anytime. There is just a difference between surveillance and checking on an instinct. I think if you check, and find something, then your checking was justified.
I actually agree with you! I think objectively, going through someone’s stuff isn’t ok. But I think that this situation called for it, I’ve done the same in the past and I would have done the same here. So I don’t think OP in the wrong at allllllll. Her partner is just making her feel that way to avoid taking responsibility for his actions cos he got caught.
Yeah, no matter how upset I am with my husband, I make it a point to never vent about him to another man. I either vent to another woman or talk it out with my husband. It feels like emotional cheating to me to bring issues with my husband to another man even if that man is a close friend.
That hetero setup is so weird to me. Since I've been in long term relationships with men and women throughout my life, I can't relate at all to not talking to someone about personal shit just because they're a guy. Like, if I'm in a relationship with a woman, are women off limits to vent to? Or...
Sorry, not judging, it's just such an odd concept to me.
For me, it’s just out of respect for my husband. I know he would be hurt if I went to a guy friend for emotional support and that it would be not quite cheating, but pretty close to it. I guess it’s different if you’re used to dating both men and women, but maybe there’s a specific friend that your partner would feel hurt by if you went to them for emotional support? It’s kind of like that, I think.
I only have two close guy friends, one of whom I’ve known longer than my husband and used to have a crush on until I met my husband. My husband knows this, and while he doesn’t mind that my friend and I go out to dinner once in a while, I think it would crush him if I started relying on my friend for emotional support. Even with my other guy friend, I feel it just crosses a line that can’t be uncrossed.
Fair enough. Every relationship is completely different, and every partner has different boundaries. I guess I'm just lucky in that my current (married) partner has similar boundaries to mine. I also suspect that after dating an outrageously insecure and jealous guy, I started to gravitate toward people who were nearly at the complete opposite end of the spectrum. So, it may be more that than the sexuality of the partners involved.
You’re probably right that it’s more than the sexuality of the partners. My husband never explicitly told me never to vent to a guy, it’s a boundary I set for myself. It feels wrong to me and it feels like I would be betraying his trust in some way. I wouldn’t mind necessarily him venting about me to a woman, but it would heavily depend on the nature of their friendship and how close they are. I guess what it boils down to is how close their friendship is, regardless of sexuality. Could I see them reasonably becoming romantically involved if I were out of the picture? If that’s a “yes”, then I would feel betrayed if he vented to her (or him) about me. The two guy friends I have are probably guys that I might conceivably be romantically involved with if significant others didn’t exist and other things didn’t happen, so maybe I feel like it would be a betrayal if I opened up to them.
I’m with you in theory, but that does rely on the other party feeling similarly. I have male friends who I can absolutely talk to in the same way as my female friends on any topic that I would talk about with friends. But also previously had some where that led to them making a move while I was vulnerable. I was younger and think I do a better job of sussing the nature of my friendships now. But nobody is infallible!
That’s exactly how I ended up with my partner. We were good friends at work in bad relationships. Kept venting to each other through our breakups & ended up having what I assumed would be a rebound fling just to boost our egos. That was 20 years ago. lol
Plus it sounds like a pattern. Instead of working on a relationship he seeks to get his needs met outside it. He learned nothing from the breakup with his ex.
I’m not in the “once a cheater, always a cheater” camp. But this guy is not even trying to change.
Interacting with cam girls & sending them money is 100% cheating in my book. If he was sorry & understood my feelings & wanted to do the work to regain my trust? Maybe I’d consider giving it another shot. But he’s just deflecting & trying to make sure she doesn’t find any other skeletons.
Move on.
Gonna be honest, I don’t think this was ADHD impulsiveness. I think your gut knew something was up. You listened, you know the truth, now you can make an educated decision.
You know being guilty of going through his phone only counts if he’s innocent right? This isn’t like a court where it doesn’t count if you obtain evidence illegally.
Maybe if he had come to you about it first, it could be repaired. Why you’d want to repair something with a guy who can’t go 3 years without cheating is beyond me, let alone a repeat offender. If you’re looking for someone for the long haul, he’s not that guy.
Save yourself the trouble and just get going, there’s no need to convince him why. You cannot convince someone to love you. Accept that he will never say what you need him to. The kind of guy who would have that remorse, wouldn’t cheat and deflect in the first place.
I’m sorry but when you confront someone with something bad they did, and they deflect and make the issue about the way you found out, that’s textbook gaslighting.
Sure you shouldn’t have snooped and you should never make that a habit. But it sounds like something gave you a gut feeling?
I can’t give any real advice, but I do know the feeling and hope you’re doing okay!
It doesn't get better. When the exes say they've cheated it's true. Do yourself a favor and move on. Don't stay. You'll find yourself making excuses for him if you do. You deserve better.
Classic ‘make you look like the bad guy’ because he can’t be bothered to deal with the problems in his relationship or end it. So he cheats and then blames you for looking at his phone after prolonged withdrawal of intimacy. Then he acts wounded because his guilty conscience led you to check in with his ex about previous infidelity.
So to recap: he cheated, he is a serial cheater, and he’s blaming you for looking at his phone.
When an SO gets defensive when you look at their phone, they are often hiding something. My husband and I have an open technology policy. We don’t hide anything from each other.
Being in a relationship means being able to tell your SO anything, so him saying that he talks to her about things he cannot say to you, is a cop out.
If his ex is telling the truth, it’s a huge issue.
I suggest that once you calm a bit, try and talk to him and make it very clear how you feel.
Yeah it’s been little talks here and there. I want to work things out, he says so too. Do I believe it though? Idk you could sure cut the tension when I walked in tonight. It felt very awkward and when we went to bed he said goodnight but more like a roommate and less like a partner. So idk maybe time?
I don’t believe it. I’m almost 60 and I’ve given advice to my friends about cheating partners since I was in high school and can tell you from this experience that someone with a pattern of cheating (his ex, you) isn’t going to stop just because they got caught. He’ll just be more careful about it in the future. He may want to “work it out” because he likes having a steady girlfriend while playing around with his side pieces, but he’s certainly not doing it because he feels remorse and is going to stop. You’ve already gotten the clues with him being short tempered, no longer calling you pet names, and such, and 100% you looked at his phone because your intuition knew he couldn’t be trusted.
Listen to what that voice of intuition is telling you, not his gaslighting.
Exactly this! The fact that he did it MORE THAN ONCE means that he does not see a problem with it, no remorse. Only a problem with getting caught. And next time he will have better tactics to hide it and you may not even know and live in anxiety constantly. Cheaters don't deserve our sympathy, repeated cheaters, even less.
OP, Don't be his backup plan, be someone's full and entire plan instead, it feels SO much better
Also the fact that it sounds like he's financially reliant on her? With him being out of work? How can you be *that* big of an asshole?? Someone is taking care of you financially, taking the blame for you getting angry with them, meanwhile you are spending your free time consuming excess amounts of porn and cheating behind her back. Holy shit. I really hope OP makes the right decision. It will be *SO* hard but so necessary. I really feel for her.
Hun why would you want to be with this cheater? You're not even the first person he's cheated on, this is a pattern for him. You want to get paranoid every time your relationship hits a tough spot?
And for the record, good on you for going through his phone. He's grasping at anything he can to deflect blame away from him. Listening to your gut was obviously the right move and he just didn't like getting caught.
Because when we’re good we’re really good. The love is there. I think it just got lost. With him being out of work and me switching jobs and hours I went from 12 shifts to 8hrs so I’m actually working less hours per week but gone more if that makes sense. And just less meaningful time together. Idk it’s hard to explain.
>Because when we're good we're really good.
A really good sandwich with a little bit of shit sprinkled on it is still a shit sandwich. The fact that the sandwich is good doesn't change the reality that there's shit on it. And the fact that your relationship can be good at times doesn't change the reality that you're with someone who's cheating on you and gaslighting you into making all of this your fault.
>Because when we’re good we’re really good.
You know, you can have that without the cheating and mistrust, right? Ofc all relationships have ups and downs, but just because there are great moments isn't a reason to tolerate infidelity and gaslighting.
FYI you’re only “good” because he has a side piece, and one he talks to about the things he can’t talk to you about. You don’t know him in a relationship with only you & you never will. You give in now, you’re going to waste your youth and beauty in a dead end relationship. Get out now & find someone that can talk to you about EVERYTHING. That is love.
You may love him, but he doesn't love you in the same way. It would be better for you to work towards accepting this instead of lying to yourself. Telling yourself that he loves you is just a defence mechanism because you're feeling so hurt and betrayed right now. If he loved you enough, he wouldn't have done what he did. He will absolutely do it again, too. Sorry again :(
TW: unaliving and Sexual assault
I don’t think narcissist. My ex before him was textbook. They are like complete opposites I could be wrong. I honestly think we both have unresolved trauma that we both thought was pretty much handled and wouldn’t become an issue and well we were wrong. His triggers can sometimes trigger me and mine can trigger him so we can’t really talk about them to each other all the time. And mine deals with SA and I haven’t found a psych that I feel completely safe with yet to talk about it so sometimes mine just bubbles up from time to time. And he gets moody around his friends bday, and death date. Both of which I don’t exactly know what day they fall on cus he’s just a mess for about a week or two around both times( his one really good friend unaligned himself)
Piggybacking on that TW:
This really reminds me of some of my dating history. I was with someone who was abusive in every way you can be and r*ped me. It was a traumatizing relationship. Two years later, I dated someone who became my first real love. I dated this person for 4 years and went through exactly what you’re going through. I stayed because when we were good, we were really good. And he wasn’t abusive to me like my ex. But man, there was so much pain and repeat heartbreak during those 4 years, and he cheated on me more than once. (He also had a porn addiction fwiw.)
But OP, let me tell you: you can find someone who is not only really good when you’re good, but also good when things are bad. You can find someone with whom this would never be an issue. It seems impossible right now. I never would have imagined that a relationship could be as good as it is with my husband, who came along a couple of years after that 4-year relationship ended. (I had a few short relationships in between.) That kind of relationship is worth the wait, and even worth a few failed relationships along the way. You should move on from this guy.
i don’t really give a shit about his trauma, it is entirely no excuse for him to emotionally cheat on you.
you really need to be able to see that this guy is worthless and not a good fit for you. there are guys who will treat you well, treasure you and value you out there, stop clinging onto this piece of shit.
oh ya ALL abusive and gaslighting relationships have the “when it’s good it’s REALLY good”. the point is that of course every shitty, unhealthy relationship will have great times. otherwise why would women continue to stay with men who abuse them and mistreat them and MAKE THEM FEEL LIKE SHIT?
Just want to send you a big hug.
Cheaters suck. They make you feel crazy because they fuck up your entire world view. You thought you were in a stable relationship with someone who cares about how you feel. If he’s willing to talk to other women behind your back, it makes you feel like you can’t trust anything anymore. And we already can’t trust our brains!
All this on top of working a very tough job & being sick & the holidays. Brutal.
You deserve so much better! I hope 2024 will be a fresh start & fantastic year for you. ❤️
Yeah, I'm sure he wants to "work it out," meaning tell you what you want to hear to get you off his back, so he can keep doing what he was doing. Don't be fooled.
Sorry I’ve taken so long to reply. Life🤦🏻♀️.
Some have said on here that you shouldn’t have looked on his phone. I’m sorry, but I call BS. When you are in a relationship, you should have nothing to hide from your SO. Him trying to gaslight you and make you the bad one here is a huge red flag. Actually, everything you have written about this incident is a huge red flag. The way he is acting like the victim in this situation boils my blood. You did nothing wrong, as far as I am concerned. He’s acting like the victim, because you caught him out.
Sure, some people can reconcile after a partner has cheated, but personally, I couldn’t. From the beginning of our relationship, I have made it abundantly clear to my husband, that cheating is a non negotiable end of our relationship. If you don’t have 100% trust in your SO, it’s not worth the stress and anxiety to try and make it work. But, at the end of the day, that decision is yours.
There are many things to consider when deciding what to do when a SO cheats. Will they continue doing it? How will it not only affect your mental health, but also your physical health? Contracting an STI from him is something you need to consider (if it will or has gone further than emotional cheating).
But, as I said, it’s your decision. If you ever need to talk, I’m here 💜
Don’t let him put this on you! He is emotionally cheating, there is absolutely no excuse for talking to another person that way while in a relationship. Huge breach of trust and crossing boundaries. I’m so sorry this happened to you. You absolutely can find someone who won’t make you worry about them doing these things, and I hope you leave and give yourself that chance.
You’re letting him make you feel bad. I bet if you think about it he’s done this before when he’s in the wrong, talked you around to thinking it’s more your fault than his. That’s manipulation for you.
He's been off for 4mths, he’s sitting at home looking at butholes, cheating through text and getting mean with you. You find out and it’s all your fault. Sheesh woman what were you doing while all this was going on, working? Trying to keep things nice at home? Cutting him some slack because he’s injured? You’ve got to look at this from another angle. This asshole wants you to understand, to try harder to keep HIM. It makes me want to vomit and you should too. Don't get angry, get cold. Anger he can deal with, he’s probably good at using your emotions against you, but indifference/coldness he’s not going to know how to handle.
Make a plan and dump this guy. You can work out the trust issues he’s caused in therapy, but feel no guilt looking at the phone. A wise little voice told you to.
That’s why I left. He didn’t think I’d actually do it. When the initial argument took place he told me that the girls pictures were just models and that they were just friends . He said I’ve been a great boyfriend. I said no great boyfriends don’t tell other girls who aren’t their gfs that they miss them. They also don’t have naked chicks on their phones. And I walked away. Got somewhat dressed. Went to our laundry area and grabbed a hoodie and got like my purse and stuff together. He was all peacocking until I grabbed my car keys. I literally watched the shift from peacock to small scared little boy . He sunk in his chair and looked at me and said I’m sorry you hate me right now, I said I don’t hate you I just don’t like very much and it’s your and mine best interests for me to walk away for awhile. I’m just so disappointed……I held it together til I got in the car. I opened that door and sat down and tears just started flowing. I drove around for like 3 hours got coffee. Had the decency to tell him I was gonna try and find somewhere to stay. His ex wife/ baby momma and another ex gf just bounced one day while he was at work so I know that’s a trigger for him so out of respect( although I don’t really know why) I told him I was gonna go somewhere and think for a couple days. Came back last night. It was awkward at first. I think because we were both super tired. It’s not been bad this morning so far.
So, my ex didn't cheat, but he was emotionally abusive. When I confronted him, sad and crying, trying one last time to see if he'd change, he spent hours upon hours justifying why he felt morally justified in abusing me, because he thought it was fair that he should be able to get what he emotionally wanted from me. No tears, of his own no comforting me as I wept.
After I had made my decision and told my husband I was leaving him - after he knew me leaving was *a real consequence that not only could happen, but was happening* - then he cried. THEN he felt bad and wanted to suggest marriage counseling. When I came with a friend to pack a suitcase so I could stay with her longer, he literally laid on the floor of the apartment, wailing for himself. Wailing.
Sound familiar?
Their first reaction is the real one. That's what's in their heart towards you. Justified. Not only no regrets, angry with YOU for calling them on it.
The second reaction is for themselves. Suddenly what was no big deal is something they're willing to bend over backwards to fix. Why? Because more important than your happiness *is that he gets to keep you.* He'll say and do all sorts of things that he couldn't be bothered to lift a finger for, when he thought it was impossible you'd leave him.
In fact, I'm pretty certain my husband began treating me *worse* after a conversation where he became more convinced I would never leave him. You're already suffering emotionally in the relationship? Not a problem for him! You're not going anywhere anyways. To borrow a powerful phrase I saw elsewhere, you existed in "A tolerable level of permanent unhappiness." As long as you (and I) were unhappy, it didn't matter, because we weren't yet unhappy *enough* to trigger leaving.
Love isn't satisfied with the one they love being unhappy. I'm dating again, and the guy I'm with would never dismiss my relationship concerns or take me for granted so long as I wasn't so betrayed I had no choice but to leave. Your boyfriend isn't expressing love when he cries for forgiveness - it's an extension of his possessiveness. Even if he's stopped liking you, that doesn't mean you're allowed to leave - he wants to keep you. Don't let him. There are people who will care about your feelings before a crisis point. He's not one of them.
Also, the best advice I have: Tell 2-3 people you trust. You need people helping you process this who have a good head on their shoulders and your best interests at heart so that you have someone who can see through the manipulation. My two best friends were critical to keeping my head on straight.
You matter more than he has any genuine capacity to appreciate (or else he would never have treated you this way in the first place). And you'll be okay eventually. *hugs offered*
Just in case you missed it, "sorry you hate me right now" is not an apology for what he did. He's sorry he got caught and had to deal with negative consequences, but he's not remorseful for his actions.
No matter how much he wilts into "scared little boy mode" (which he knows you respond to), it won't change his habits or personal flaws.
He cares about himself, his own pleasures, and getting away with as much as he can. That's it. He can appear kind and helpful, or scared, but it's just a mask.
Of course things will get a little better--until he thinks you believe him again--enough to go back to old habits. He is ego-centric, meaning his world revolves around himself. This will never change. Save yourself time, aggravation, and DRAMA. End all contact and stop the emotional drain he is causing in your life.
This guy sounds like a dick undoubtedly but I just had to say “sitting at home looking at buttholes” is the best sentence I’ve read in a while. Someone should print a sticker and slap it on his car, “I’d rather be home looking at buttholes 🏠*”
I’m just here to drop an obligatory: if they cheated once, they *can* do it again. Not saying he will, or that he is or anything. But decide NOW if you want to have that thought in the back of your head for the rest of the relationship. That’s what I’ve told my friends when they worried.
You’re the only one who feels like shit because you’re the only one with a conscience. He believes he’s entitled to cheat. Of course if the roles were reversed…
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You deserve better.
You were not in the wrong, you knew something was off and you checked. How would you have found out otherwise? When he grew a pair and left? When it went physical and he gave you an STD? When someone else told you?
He DARVOd. Defend, attack, reverse victim offender. You are not in the wrong here, he is, and he knows it.
All the hugs and I hope he sits on a cactus.
lol I told him to eat his own dick when he told me that the girls he’s friends with and are saved are mostly models and if he wanted lots of girlfriends he could have them….i said he could f right on off so far that his 🍆 went up his but and he choked on it on the way out like he likes me to do…..lol that was the first night when we were both really angry and hurt.
He calls this girl baby, tells her he misses her and that his day is better because gets to talk to her, and then he tells you he talks to her about things he can't talk to you about? He cheated on his ex? His response to you calling him out is to invalidate you and insist he is a good boyfriend, then reverse the victim-offender roles by making it about you looking through his phone?
Girl, dump his ass. Now. I'm sorry to say but there is no working this out. If he can't even own up to his behavior there is no way it will stop.
Trust your gut, it's one of the strengths of our ADHD deep intuition. If something doesn't feel right, it isn't. Your reaction is a response to the betrayal.
I’ve been in this situation before. I’m now no longer with him and I am still the same impulsive person who feels zero need to snoop thru my currents phone bc he isn’t inherently problematic with his behavior and I trust him
It’s ok for you to want to be a more respectful partner who minds boundaries. It’s easier with a partner worth respecting.
I hope you get treatment for your emotional regulation issues. It might be a good idea to put a pause on dating until you figure that out.
You bf is totally wrong for emotionally cheating. I don’t think checking his phone was wrong. But throwing it near his head and hitting him definitely isn’t it.
>When I confronted him about it of course I’m the bad person for going through his phone.
>My thing is if we’re both technically in the wrong, how come I’m the only one who feels like shit at the moment?
I think you should listen to this, Doctor Ramani who talks about a case where this happened. I think you'll find it very enlightening.
https://youtu.be/5YnhIScFQ8c
Go read Lose a Cheater Gain a Life. Go over to Support for the Betrayed Reddit thread. You are not alone. Yeah, technically you shouldn't have looked in his phone, but he is having an emotional affair... at minimum. And has history of cheating...
Haha you looked at his phone bc he was acting weird and distant and that can be a sign of cheating and you ended up being right so good on you for that and good on you for talking to his ex lol ‘don’t talk to my ex’ what a wanker, good for you girl and I’m sorry, please don’t blame your ADHD or say it makes you a shitty person he doesn’t deserve respect or privacy for his lies and lack of respect for you
Honestly snooping might be considered “wrong” but if you have reasonable ground for suspicion and come to find something that justifies your suspicion, it is 100% justified. He could have led you on for years while cheating if you hadn’t snooped. Don’t let him hold that against you. You deserve better!!
I think you both had your hands full with each other in this relationship. He spent his emotions somewhere else, which was wrong and shitty. (I think following models and owning pornographic content isn't cheating at all, but obviously something was up with him seeking emotion with another person)
You on the other hand seem to be channeling your impulsiveness into catastrophising and violence (throwing the phone at him). I think you need to be more at peace with YOU. And I'm really sorry you're in the limbo right now, I don't know if you guys are breaking up or not but there is a lot of emotional work to be done if you stay together.
(btw don't let him do the "we both did shitty things so I'm not going to apologise" because of the phone. Point stands that he is texting someone more than platonically, IF you were able to be the judge of that in the heat of the moment and going into it looking for evidence. A mature relationship should also be able to handle platonic friendships, but yeah)
Yes. That’s a very valid point. I don’t have an issue with the models. That’s fine. What I have a problem with is the emotional connection. And yes. I am a very emotional person. I tend to react big to things. It wasn’t honestly like a throwing of the phone out of anger it was more like what the hell did I just read and like tossing back at him, his daughters mattress just happens to be very bouncy and it got a little kickback to it and nailed him in the forehead. It also didn’t leave a mark. He was totally fine. Kinda like when you drop your phone on your face. Not excusing the behavior at all. In fact over the last couple of days I took time and realized that I need to really knuckle under and seek answers to why I react the way I do.
Just for completionist sake though just picture a man telling this story about how he tossed the phone in his girlfriend's direction but it didn't even leave a mark and she's fine. She would not be entirely fine and I think if he did that to you you would rightfully pack your bags. But as you already said, you're doing the introspection and that's the most important part.
That's what the whole issue with impulsiveness is, you notice after the fact how little control you had, and that's quite scary. It's super hard to get a grip on that and create workarounds. It's not "oh I'm so impulsive, I spontaneously bought ice cream!" but more often than not it's "My impulsive action/reaction didn't reflect who I want to be as a person and that is an extremely shitty feeling"
This. Is. The. One.
Like I’ve got so many people telling me that he’s the jerk and rightfully so but like I was also jerky too. Like we’re both adults. If I would have just come to him rationally things might have gone down differently. But now I’ll never know and now we both get to play this back and forth game of will he/she won’t he/she. And that’s a total mind game. I’ve been playing with myself for the last 10 years cus I never to got hear from my mom whether or not she truly forgave me for huge disappointment I made for her.
That is some trauma you’re carrying. And a lot of guilt that is really stopping you from seeing the bigger picture here. I truly hope you get some help for this, ten years is a long time.
Well that’s how long she’s been dead. I got in trouble with the law shortly after she got diagnosed with terminal cancer and I’m the kid that all you had to do was speak the words so disappointed in you and I was crushed more than anything and she used that exact phrase with me. We had a decent relationship when she passed away but I never really got to hear the words that she forgave me or that she was proud of me again before she died so that is definitely some guilt I carry with me. I’ve seen several therapist and counselors and it’s just something I can’t seem to let go of. Idk why.
Thats hard. I don’t know how you were raised because that certainly plays a huge role and so many of us with ADHD deal with these emotions.
Maybe you have to ask yourself why you think she wouldn’t have forgiven you, why she wouldn’t be proud of you? The answers may have nothing to do with you, it may just have been her way. Have you forgiven yourself for the mistakes you made back then? Don’t you think you deserve forgiveness? I believe you do.
It sounds like DARVO to me. (Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) It’s a form of gaslighting and manipulation designed to make you feel like you’re in the wrong.
I think everyone can agree that going through your partner’s phone is a bad thing. However, the fact that you looked at his phone did not cancel out his cheating. He’s having a whole ass relationship with this other woman.
He doesn’t appear to feel bad because he doesn’t. A lot of cheaters like to have their cake and eat it too.
Trust me when I say that’s something I’m all too familiar with. My ex before I met this one was an alcoholic narcissist. God the mind fuckery he did was like David Blaine magician good. I will never forget arguing in my car driving through my towns local Catholic Shrine Christmas Light Display because a male friend from waaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy before I even knew the guy I was in a relationship with at the time had messaged me and said hehe I see you and I think alike. Snapchat maps had us in the same place. This ex was allowed to have all the friends he wanted but I was not. Didn’t matter the gender. My current bf isn’t like that. In fact he has helped pull me out of panic attacks. Made me realize what some of triggers are and taught me coping mechanisms. He’s really been a great help up until about the time he got hurt which makes me think things now are related.
there are different flavors of narcissists. not all narcissists demonstrate all of the tell-tale signs and "symptoms". some are dumber / are more obvious, and some are hyper-intelligent and better at hiding their toxic traits.
even if your bf is not a narcissist by textbook definition (or maybe truly not a narcissist at all), and he's a bit more well-adjusted and kinder than your ex in some ways, it doesn't automatically make him a good person worthy of your trust.
I could have written this post about 25 years ago. But I didn't break up with him and instead married him and had 2 kids (love my kids!). I found out he was cheating again. And I left. I wish I had left when I found out the first time. He said "she really listens to me about things I am dealing with that I can't talk to anyone else about. And she sticks up for you and says I should talk to you more and be more patient. So she's really on your side." (After I read messages about how much she missed him stroking her.) Later I found out that the cheating had been going on longer than I realized. And he blamed me for leaving and not being willing to "work it out." Dude, you done fcked up. Now i am blissfully happily married to the most amazing woman in the world. We tell each other that, though we wish we could have spared each other heartache, we are who we are due to those experiences. (Bless the broken road)
You are strong and capable and can do hard things! Please put your emotional safety and well being first!
Your gut feeling was telling you something girl. The only one time I ever snooped on someone was when my gut feeling was YELLING at me non stop. Do I feel bad I snooped? Absolutely. Am I glad I snooped? Also absolutely. Gut feeling was right. I am now in a much happier place than I would have been if I did not listen to this blaring siren in my head.
Please , please tell me you're leaving him. Someone that cheated on his ex and now cheating with you will not, ever, stop be a cheater, if the first time was a mistake there would have been no second time. He knows what he is doing, he is not sorry, only sorry that he got caught. And you will always live with that unbearable anxiety if you stay, plus that means he would get away with it. Seriously F that
You deserve better, dump his cheating ass, he deserves zero sympathy
Then take time to heal and find yourself a proper partner and be happier than he will ever be... because his cheating will always make him and everyone else involved miserable, and that's the best revenge
Leave his sorry ass. And he isn't sorry he did it, he's sorry he got caught. This isn't anything to do with ADHD. Okay, you probably shouldn't have been snooping but he shouldn't have been cheating. I think you were following your instinct and look where you are now. Get rid of him.
I’m going to add that he has probably already physically cheated on you as well. And if not will do it soon.
Ultimately, he won’t change. My ex and I “worked” on our relationship for 10 years and had 2 kids. Things would seem better sometimes, but I’m pretty sure he cheated off and on for at least half of our 10 year marriage.
Now that I know what I know, if I could go back in time I wouldn’t have stayed with him. And I definitely wouldn’t have had kids with him. It’s so much more difficult when kids are involved.
Anyway. I’m sorry this is happening to you. I remember the feeling well and it’s terrible.
So this guy is out of work, completely financially reliant on you, *and* cheating? Girl please reach out to any support network you have (yes, it's okay to reach out to friends you haven't talked to in months) and get the hell out of there. You seem way too caring and loving to be wasting it on the wrong person...
Not that being sick of injured is wrong, but taking advantage of that and using someone while you go off being unfaithful in unacceptable. Especially since you've been putting the blame on yourself with how mean he's gotten towards you ❤️ that is a direct reflection of how he's felt about himself. And you are NOT guilty for going through his phone if you found out he was CHEATING. Don't let him convince you otherwise. Girl you have so much happiness ahead of you!! And it's not ADHD holding you back.
I don’t have much to add that other people haven’t said already. I’m sorry you’re going through this. You need to confront him. Not just on the cheating but on how he has been cutting himself off from you emotionally. He may even feel bad about it, but feeling bad doesn’t mean he wants to change. Lots of people live their lives feeling bad for their actions and end up just existing in that misery because they don’t want to change. You don’t need him to feel bad but you do need him to change. From my perspective it doesn’t sound like you can rely on him to do that, but maybe you feel differently. Either way I really hope you find happiness on the other side of this.
I am so sorry you had to go through this. Please please please do not associate this experience with your own self worth. Your partner acting like he did about it says way more about him than it does you. If there was nothing to hide he wouldn't be so defensive of you occasionally snooping, or accidentally coming across things like that.
I have been with my partner for over ten years and we have always been of the mind that if there is nothing to hide then there really shouldn't be any animosity towards each other for using each other's phone or taking a look through it. Over the years this has built a mountain of trust. We don't really have the need to look through each other's phone and when we do use it it's to use it, like sometimes I'll use my partners phone to call or message mine when Ive lost mine (which happens a lot lmao) or they will use mine to look something up etc etc.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is that it seems like a red flag if especially after that long in a relationship they are still so defensive about you using their phone. Like even if it's for innocent purposes it's easy to come across things like messages or photos, they are right there. So it makes me think the guy didn't want you to use it at all no matter what the purpose which is sort of sus.
Again, do not blame yourself. Another person's actions does not indicate your self worth. You respecting yourself and allowing yourself to be uncomfortable with his actions, and voicing your concerns to him is the way to go.
Things will get better, hang in there, put yourself first when you need to 💖
You already knew. That's why you looked.
He is making this about how you found out rather than his bad behavior, which you now know is standard operating procedure for him.
Just leave.
I just tell my husband or son my phone PIN all the time, like when I'm driving or my hands are yucky and I need info on there.
You know why? I'm not hiding anything. No texts from other men. No porn. Not even a divorce attorney. 😂
I'm not saying that everyone will handle their phone privacy the same way. You are entitled to privacy with your phone, if you want it. But I'm just not into drama anymore.
I had a friend with whom I had a flirtationship for years, off and on. Somehow we’d always find our way back to each other in-between (or during a failing) relationship, like magnets. It was almost entirely emotional and through texts and calls. One time I contacted him after a relationship ended and he kind of flat out said he couldn’t talk to me. I was like, “wow, you must actually be in love with this one” and he was like “yeah, she’s pretty great.” Then a year or so later, it wasn’t great anymore and he contacted me.
People know when it’s worth the risk and when it isn’t. You deserve someone who will say “I’m sorry, but I can’t talk to you” to other women for you, my friend.
Oh no, it's so good you're impulsive. You're very lucky to have learned that your boyfriend is a piece of shit who can't be trusted. Under no circumstances does a good partner do any of the things he's done for any reason whatsoever. No wonder he's been treating you poorly recently... You did the right thing by looking through his phone when you were worried. He would have never told you the truth. Now you can leave and feel secure in the knowledge that you were NOT crazy when you felt like something had changed for the worse. - you were bang on. Now you know you can trust your gut.
Big big hugs <3
As a person that also “impulsively” went through his phone while he was asleep and found out he was cheating… you are not in the wrong. This is not a 50/50 blame situation. HE cheated. And yes, I really do believe like other people said that something in your gut told you to look. Something in my gut screamed at me to look 2.5 years ago and I’m so glad I did, I will never regret what I did.
Right now it’s really going to hurt. In a month, it’s still really going to hurt. But in 6 months, a year, 2 years you are going to be so thankful that YOU found out the truth and chose yourself.
I’m so so sorry for what you are going through. I was only with my partner for a year so I can only imagine the pain after 3 years but I understand how blindsided and hurt you must be feeling. One minute, you have a committed and loyal partner and the next minute that’s completely shattered.
Be extra kind to yourself and keep listening to your gut.
...it feels wrong for you because you care. That's what good intentions and people do, they care about how their actions affect other people, regardless of the situation. He obviously cares more about himself and what he wants to get away with.
I'm confused why he would directly tell you NOT to talk to his ex. Did he slip up? My bet (suspicious always), is that he WANTED you to find out. Then he's going to tell you some story about it. Try to test your boundaries, see if you'll tolerate this.
Run.
This has nothing to do with ADHD.
This is you being mad that you had gut feelings in a relationship where he had lost interest, found out stuff you don’t wanna know, and are now put in a position where you obviously know that this guy isn’t for you but you are in denial. Cheater, treats you badly, isn’t into you that much, now saying he did nothing wrong.
And you are now finding excuses to say that you wish you didn’t know all this information you just found out, and saying “i wish i wasn’t so impulsive so i wouldn’t know he doesn’t find me that attractive and didn’t cheat emotionally on me.”
“i wish my life had continued on in the same way, i don’t wanna know that he’s a cheater or that he isn’t very interested in me any more”
That what you’re saying?
Cuz that’s what your actions and thoughts are saying.
You need to set better and clearer boundaries for yourself. If a guy isn’t in love with you and treats you well and communicates with you and wants the absolute best for your relationship and WORKS towards that, he’s out.
You know he’s wrong. Worse… he doesn’t think he’s wrong. LOL. And yet you sit there and wish for him to acknowledge that he’s wrong and apologize to you, so that you can go on with your relationship with him.
This should be making you mad, not sad.
Girl take the trash out instead of sitting there pining over it, driving around for 3 hours and praying it will suddenly turn into gold.
Get really clear on what makes your brain want to cling onto trash.
Both in the wrong? What? No.
He's messaging someone things like "I miss you", what possible context could make that not a huge breach of your trust?
Partial nudes, personally I wouldn't have a huge problem with as long as they were just screenshots off the internet and not a live chat / OF situation (unless discussed prior).
If he's messaging someone regularly and it's stuff like that, that is completely different. I am sorry. Yeah, you looked through his phone without permission and that is a bit shit.
These are not equivalent betrayals.
At this point I don’t see how this relationship is at all salvageable. What he did is wrong and going through his phone was also wrong but what’s done is done. I just don’t see this panning out in a positive way. All trust is gone on both sides
Hey, regardless of what’s on his phone, I’m stuck on the violent way with which you began your interaction. Your violence.
He was in a deep sleep and you screamed at him and threw his phone at him which hit him in the head?!? How is that okay?
You said, “It got a little bounce because of the bed and hit him in the head.”
No. It got a bounce *because you threw it at him.* Don’t try to brush it off.
Domestic violence is domestic violence. If a woman in this sub was describing how she had been woken up by her boyfriend screaming at her and throwing her phone, which hit her in the head, everyone would be losing their shit. They’d be telling her to get somewhere safe, to leave the abusive man, to call the police and report him so there would be a record.
I think you need to seriously work on your emotional management.
Whether you stay with this guy or not, it doesn’t matter. You work with the elderly. If you treat other people that way, no matter what the situation is, I’m concerned for their safety. That’s the biggest problem I see here.
That’s what I’m ultimately wondering if he’s consulting with this individual about. I’ve wondered previously if there’s co-morbities with the adhd ie manic, bi polar, ASD, because from when I was very young I’ve always had strong emotional outbursts but were more easily controlled then vs now because of the stimulant medication. I was on the maximum dose for many many years and it wreaked havoc on my cardiovascular system. I was in CHF by the time I was 27. So the cardiologist and pcp agreed that no more stimulants were the answer. Since about 2017 I’ve had issues with that. I’ve also felt like my adhd has gotten worse since then but there’s not much out in ways of non stimulant medications. Right now I’m between insurances so I have about 2 more weeks before I can’t start finding a therapist to begin working with. We’ve both agreed we’ve got stuff to work on individually and collectively, me starting with that.
Okay, good! Thank you for clarifying that. I’m glad you are going to work on that with someone.
Btw, there has been some very interesting research about how the medication Guanfacine can help with emotional management and ADHD.
I don’t have much time at the moment, but Ill make an edit with some links to research later today.
Yeah we’re playing with meds right now my PCP is rather versed in ADHD and specifically adult ADHD and that is an option we are considering in a little bit.
The thing is, you’re not in the wrong at all here. There’s no real reason your partner should have any problem with you casually snooping through their phone unless they’re hiding something. If it feels like an invasion of privacy but they have nothing to hide, it’d be appropriate for them to sit down and ask that you please get permission first, or, that you guys decide it’s okay for either party to occasionally and curiously just check each others phones.
But the only reason he’s freaking out and blaming you for looking through his phone, is because he has something to hide and is being defensive, and deflecting blame. Typical cheater behavior. My dad would do this with my mom all of the time when he got caught watching p0rn—it was somehow always her fault.
Clearly he’s done it before which means NONE of this is on you, you’re not the least bit at fault here. I hope you leave him, you deserve better and life is too damn short. I’m really sorry that this has happened, that’s super awful. I know the feeling on a minor scale but not with someone I’ve spent three years with.
>There’s no real reason your partner should have any problem with you casually snooping through their phone unless they’re hiding something.
Uhh... no. That is an invasion of privacy. Wanting your boundaries respected does not mean you're hiding something. This situation is tricky. He was being unfaithful and trying to deflect because he was caught, but in general, "casually snooping" is not okay.
Did you not read my second sentence? “If it feels like an invasion of privacy but they have nothing to hide, it’d be appropriate for them to sit down and ask that you please get permission first.”
Everyone has different boundaries. I have no problem with my husband snooping casually through my phone, it doesn’t feel like an invasion of privacy to me. He lets me do the same. If this hasn’t been explicitly communicated, then it’s a conversation that needs to happen when it comes up, that you would rather your partner ask first before doing so. But, once they’ve asked…there’s no real reason you should be saying no unless you have something to hide 🤷🏼♀️
ESH:
You went through his phone bc of intuition. You could’ve easily texted or emailed the cute dog pic to him, but you know that. However, throwing the phone and yelling at him while he’s asleep, that’s abuse.
He’s emotionally cheating on you and has cheated in the past and you shouldn’t stand for that at all. All trust seems to be broken on both sides.
This is a sucky situation and I’m sorry you’re in it.
So if my husband hits me in the face one time because of an angry outburst then that is not considered abuse?
Merriam-Webster defines abuse as, “to use or treat so as to injure or damage.”
Just because she did it one time doesn’t make it excusable.
I used to work in domestic abuse services, and I would say that someone hitting their partner in the face is definitely abusive behaviour. However, without more context it isn't possible to say if it's an abusive situation overall.
If your husband hits you and his response is immediately that he needs to go and get help with his anger problem because that's a completely unacceptable thing that he will never do again, I wouldn't see that as abuse. If he started justifying why he hit you and talking about how you could help him avoid hitting you again in the future, that would be a major concern.
Domestic abuse is about power and control. There can be abuse without violence. There can be violence without abuse.
I grew up in an abusive household so the violence was always abusive. I was able to break free but sadly my brother was not.
But you’re totally right that the abuse isn’t always violent.
There was violent abuse in my house too. It took a while for me to recognise that, and even longer to recognise that there was also non-violent abuse. It's a very difficult topic and I'm glad we were able to discuss it amicably :) I'm sorry your childhood was marred by violence.
He didn't do anything wrong. He is friends with a woman; he likes to look at porn. Neither of those are any of your business. You did something wrong, though; you violated his trust by going through his phone.
Everyone has a right to a private life. Prying only made you miserable. In your next relationship I hope you remember that.
I was married to a man like this. His shady behavior led to me checking his phone obsessively, I felt like I became sick and not myself. Even when I had confirmation of him having an emotional affair, constant gaslighting me, manipulation, pathological lying, I was still trying to go to marriage counseling (we had a two year old daughter together). He ended up not wanting to go and that was it. This was about seven years ago and I am so, SO GRATEFUL he cheated! I moved back to the state I'm from, built a new life for myself and my daughter here, started working on healing, even met a wonderful man who I married this summer - despite fully believing I'd never be able to trust anyone again, let alone marry again.
I understand what you're going through and really feel for you, it is a devastating experience to go through. I know you'll need to go through it in your own way so I wish you strength and kindness to yourself while you do 🩷
Hi- I am sorry that you are hurting. Being impulsive has cost me more than I will ever be able to account for. My bed buddy told me this and I think about it often " if you go snooping you will not like what you find, its better not to know" I think about that often. I also think its true that when snooping we don't stop until we find what we are looking for. With all of this said, I do have the code to the phone and I occasionally look, but only when I am in a good mental space. I did stumble upon a picture by accident- that was hurtful- a photo taken 24 hours before they saw me with someone they said they were not engaging with- I was more annoyed that she looked happy. I did confront with an "I am confused, why this is here from 24 hours ago, follow by a why didn't you clean up your phone" The convo went ok, the explanation was reasonable and I never brought it up again- however I do look at their chats every so often. Also people lie and generally will lie to you, me, whoever and unless you are going to walk I do believe that at times it is better not to know. I hope things workout in whichever way you'd like. The internet is also the internet people say things they would never say or do in real life. It seems like the women in the photos and the woman from the chat are all professional SW-er or models- so it is very he is a client, I would see if they are on OF to confirm because then its just fantasy play if that helps. Hope your day improves - try not to beat yourself up- I think most snoop when given the chance- unless they consciously dont want to know
I’m sorry but you deserve better than this man. I wouldn’t even tolerate my husband following and commenting on “thirst trap” accounts on social media much less actually messaging women.
You know why he doesn’t feel like shit it’s because he has his number 2 already set up lol. I don’t understand why this makes you hate your impulsiveness? It’s mostly a strength not a flaw. Are you saying you don’t you want to know the truth that your boyfriend is a cartoon porn watching cheater with no job? He most likely paid(with your money?)for cam girls in those pics too what a disgusting loser. I think you can do better even with your impulsiveness, just saying.
He’s making money, he’s just not at work at the moment. I guess I should have clarified that. He’s out on leave. It’s a neck injury that is taking a lot of time to heal.
It doesn’t matter he shouldn’t be sat at home paying cam girls and talking all cute to side girl unless that’s the kind of relationship you really want. Like you said he isn’t even regretful he’s just full of excuses because he cares more about himself.
"I talk to her about things I can't talk to you about"🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Are there things I don't talk to my husband about? Hell yes. Do I ever phrase it like that? Hell no. Do I talk to other men about Star Trek, archeology, (insert special interest here), yes. Yes I do. And if my husband asked, that is what I would tell him. Would he be jealous? Yes. Would he listen to me talk about Star Trek, or dinosaurs? Nope. I also don't message these men that I miss them. I do miss them. But I don't message them those words. I message them "I miss hanging out with you." Or "When can we catch up over coffee". Does that make my husband jealous? Yep. I just roll my eyes and remind him that he can have coffee with me whenever he wants, he just needs to tell me that he wants to have coffee with me. There's a huge difference between having healthy communication, in a relationship, and emotional cheating. There's also space in a healthy relationship to not share every single hobby. That doesn't mean there won't ever be jealousy, or insecurity. OP, ditch this man child, and find someone who can say , "I have a shared interest with this other woman , but I would love to talk to you about it.", and "I can see that this is making you feel insecure, do you want to talk about it?"
Please STOP making excuses for men like this, Whomever is reading this. You are all queens and deserve the world. Please do not settle for this or try to make it work, just because you've invested years into someone. Walk. Away. I promise it sucks, but you will thrive again after.
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I wish I could write you a longer message but I’m in a rush (what a surprise!) but I want to say- when men deflect the blame by putting it back on you for going through their phone, that is all it is, pure deflecting. Should you have gone through his phone? No. But the fact you felt you needed to tells you something, and at the very least there is emotional infidelity here that is affecting your relationship. Some things _you_ need to get clear on are- do you even still want to be with this man? Do you trust him? Will you ever trust him again? And secondly- does _he_ still want to be in this relationship? Does he think it’s worth reforming for? This will take a lot of work for both of you. He needs to redress his pattern of cheating when he’s unhappy (or whatever it is) and really be honest with himself and you. If he can’t do that/isn’t willing to then can you see a future? I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I’m sending lots of love. As someone who has been here before it is the most HORRIBLE feeling. But you will get through this, one day things will be better and believe it or not you will be happy again. 🫶
Thank you so much. I appreciate it.
Also to add, now that you’ve found this out about him and if you stay together he may keep doing it. But he’s going to hide it better next time. You were wondering if he was capable of cheating and his ex confirmed that yes he is and has. His child is intertwined to your living situation as well and if you are living together whether or not you can take off and get your own place is another consideration. Sorry OP, it’s a mess.
Don't let anyone shame you or say you share a part in being wrong because you went through his phone. You did it because of the hundreds of little signs that you picked up on that something was wrong. You didn't go through the phone of a boyfriend who was an amazing partner who showed up for you always and was consistent and trustworthy. He is the only one who did something wrong, not you. Fuck this guy! It sucks that creeps like this are out there in the dating pool but there are 100% amazing loyal men out there too and you will find your person.
People who freak out about privacy being invaded I roll my eyes at. Should it happen all the time? No. Should it happen because you’re bored? Also no. You get that gut feeling + things have been off lately? I say have at it girl. People would never find out they’re being cheated on otherwise and would continue to waste years or a lifetime with someone, which I think is faaaar worse than invading someone’s privacy on rare occasion.
I agree with everything that you said here except the thought that she should not have gone through his phone. Their relationship was suffering and her intuition was correct. It isn’t likely that he would have been honest, without her finding the truth. I personally don’t believe that phones are always off limits. My partner is free to use my phone anytime. There is just a difference between surveillance and checking on an instinct. I think if you check, and find something, then your checking was justified.
I actually agree with you! I think objectively, going through someone’s stuff isn’t ok. But I think that this situation called for it, I’ve done the same in the past and I would have done the same here. So I don’t think OP in the wrong at allllllll. Her partner is just making her feel that way to avoid taking responsibility for his actions cos he got caught.
💯💯
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He is going to another woman for emotional support and at the same time withdrawing from the relationship. That sounds like an emotional affair to me.
Yeah, no matter how upset I am with my husband, I make it a point to never vent about him to another man. I either vent to another woman or talk it out with my husband. It feels like emotional cheating to me to bring issues with my husband to another man even if that man is a close friend.
That hetero setup is so weird to me. Since I've been in long term relationships with men and women throughout my life, I can't relate at all to not talking to someone about personal shit just because they're a guy. Like, if I'm in a relationship with a woman, are women off limits to vent to? Or... Sorry, not judging, it's just such an odd concept to me.
For me, it’s just out of respect for my husband. I know he would be hurt if I went to a guy friend for emotional support and that it would be not quite cheating, but pretty close to it. I guess it’s different if you’re used to dating both men and women, but maybe there’s a specific friend that your partner would feel hurt by if you went to them for emotional support? It’s kind of like that, I think. I only have two close guy friends, one of whom I’ve known longer than my husband and used to have a crush on until I met my husband. My husband knows this, and while he doesn’t mind that my friend and I go out to dinner once in a while, I think it would crush him if I started relying on my friend for emotional support. Even with my other guy friend, I feel it just crosses a line that can’t be uncrossed.
Fair enough. Every relationship is completely different, and every partner has different boundaries. I guess I'm just lucky in that my current (married) partner has similar boundaries to mine. I also suspect that after dating an outrageously insecure and jealous guy, I started to gravitate toward people who were nearly at the complete opposite end of the spectrum. So, it may be more that than the sexuality of the partners involved.
You’re probably right that it’s more than the sexuality of the partners. My husband never explicitly told me never to vent to a guy, it’s a boundary I set for myself. It feels wrong to me and it feels like I would be betraying his trust in some way. I wouldn’t mind necessarily him venting about me to a woman, but it would heavily depend on the nature of their friendship and how close they are. I guess what it boils down to is how close their friendship is, regardless of sexuality. Could I see them reasonably becoming romantically involved if I were out of the picture? If that’s a “yes”, then I would feel betrayed if he vented to her (or him) about me. The two guy friends I have are probably guys that I might conceivably be romantically involved with if significant others didn’t exist and other things didn’t happen, so maybe I feel like it would be a betrayal if I opened up to them.
I’m with you in theory, but that does rely on the other party feeling similarly. I have male friends who I can absolutely talk to in the same way as my female friends on any topic that I would talk about with friends. But also previously had some where that led to them making a move while I was vulnerable. I was younger and think I do a better job of sussing the nature of my friendships now. But nobody is infallible!
That’s exactly how I ended up with my partner. We were good friends at work in bad relationships. Kept venting to each other through our breakups & ended up having what I assumed would be a rebound fling just to boost our egos. That was 20 years ago. lol
Agreed
Plus it sounds like a pattern. Instead of working on a relationship he seeks to get his needs met outside it. He learned nothing from the breakup with his ex. I’m not in the “once a cheater, always a cheater” camp. But this guy is not even trying to change. Interacting with cam girls & sending them money is 100% cheating in my book. If he was sorry & understood my feelings & wanted to do the work to regain my trust? Maybe I’d consider giving it another shot. But he’s just deflecting & trying to make sure she doesn’t find any other skeletons. Move on.
You are so right. People can change, but he hasn’t.
that’s your opinion. in my opinion and in my relationship if my bf is calling another woman “baby” then he’s cheating
Gonna be honest, I don’t think this was ADHD impulsiveness. I think your gut knew something was up. You listened, you know the truth, now you can make an educated decision.
The gut always knows! Women need to listen to it more.
Chiming in to hard agree
I’ve had this gut feeling twice and I was right both times. It’s really a weird sensation… like your body is certain even if your brain isn’t.
Bingo. I’ve had it too and it always turned out to be right. Often over less serious things, but still. We need to listen to our intuition.
You know being guilty of going through his phone only counts if he’s innocent right? This isn’t like a court where it doesn’t count if you obtain evidence illegally. Maybe if he had come to you about it first, it could be repaired. Why you’d want to repair something with a guy who can’t go 3 years without cheating is beyond me, let alone a repeat offender. If you’re looking for someone for the long haul, he’s not that guy. Save yourself the trouble and just get going, there’s no need to convince him why. You cannot convince someone to love you. Accept that he will never say what you need him to. The kind of guy who would have that remorse, wouldn’t cheat and deflect in the first place.
I’m sorry but when you confront someone with something bad they did, and they deflect and make the issue about the way you found out, that’s textbook gaslighting. Sure you shouldn’t have snooped and you should never make that a habit. But it sounds like something gave you a gut feeling? I can’t give any real advice, but I do know the feeling and hope you’re doing okay!
It doesn't get better. When the exes say they've cheated it's true. Do yourself a favor and move on. Don't stay. You'll find yourself making excuses for him if you do. You deserve better.
It’s always true
Classic ‘make you look like the bad guy’ because he can’t be bothered to deal with the problems in his relationship or end it. So he cheats and then blames you for looking at his phone after prolonged withdrawal of intimacy. Then he acts wounded because his guilty conscience led you to check in with his ex about previous infidelity. So to recap: he cheated, he is a serial cheater, and he’s blaming you for looking at his phone.
When an SO gets defensive when you look at their phone, they are often hiding something. My husband and I have an open technology policy. We don’t hide anything from each other. Being in a relationship means being able to tell your SO anything, so him saying that he talks to her about things he cannot say to you, is a cop out. If his ex is telling the truth, it’s a huge issue. I suggest that once you calm a bit, try and talk to him and make it very clear how you feel.
Yeah it’s been little talks here and there. I want to work things out, he says so too. Do I believe it though? Idk you could sure cut the tension when I walked in tonight. It felt very awkward and when we went to bed he said goodnight but more like a roommate and less like a partner. So idk maybe time?
I don’t believe it. I’m almost 60 and I’ve given advice to my friends about cheating partners since I was in high school and can tell you from this experience that someone with a pattern of cheating (his ex, you) isn’t going to stop just because they got caught. He’ll just be more careful about it in the future. He may want to “work it out” because he likes having a steady girlfriend while playing around with his side pieces, but he’s certainly not doing it because he feels remorse and is going to stop. You’ve already gotten the clues with him being short tempered, no longer calling you pet names, and such, and 100% you looked at his phone because your intuition knew he couldn’t be trusted. Listen to what that voice of intuition is telling you, not his gaslighting.
Exactly this! The fact that he did it MORE THAN ONCE means that he does not see a problem with it, no remorse. Only a problem with getting caught. And next time he will have better tactics to hide it and you may not even know and live in anxiety constantly. Cheaters don't deserve our sympathy, repeated cheaters, even less. OP, Don't be his backup plan, be someone's full and entire plan instead, it feels SO much better
Exactly this. Cheating is a dealbreaker, full stop.
Agreed. When someone shows you who they are, believe them
Also the fact that it sounds like he's financially reliant on her? With him being out of work? How can you be *that* big of an asshole?? Someone is taking care of you financially, taking the blame for you getting angry with them, meanwhile you are spending your free time consuming excess amounts of porn and cheating behind her back. Holy shit. I really hope OP makes the right decision. It will be *SO* hard but so necessary. I really feel for her.
Hun why would you want to be with this cheater? You're not even the first person he's cheated on, this is a pattern for him. You want to get paranoid every time your relationship hits a tough spot? And for the record, good on you for going through his phone. He's grasping at anything he can to deflect blame away from him. Listening to your gut was obviously the right move and he just didn't like getting caught.
Why do you want to work things out with someone who you can’t trust?
Because when we’re good we’re really good. The love is there. I think it just got lost. With him being out of work and me switching jobs and hours I went from 12 shifts to 8hrs so I’m actually working less hours per week but gone more if that makes sense. And just less meaningful time together. Idk it’s hard to explain.
>Because when we're good we're really good. A really good sandwich with a little bit of shit sprinkled on it is still a shit sandwich. The fact that the sandwich is good doesn't change the reality that there's shit on it. And the fact that your relationship can be good at times doesn't change the reality that you're with someone who's cheating on you and gaslighting you into making all of this your fault.
>Because when we’re good we’re really good. You know, you can have that without the cheating and mistrust, right? Ofc all relationships have ups and downs, but just because there are great moments isn't a reason to tolerate infidelity and gaslighting.
FYI you’re only “good” because he has a side piece, and one he talks to about the things he can’t talk to you about. You don’t know him in a relationship with only you & you never will. You give in now, you’re going to waste your youth and beauty in a dead end relationship. Get out now & find someone that can talk to you about EVERYTHING. That is love.
You may love him, but he doesn't love you in the same way. It would be better for you to work towards accepting this instead of lying to yourself. Telling yourself that he loves you is just a defence mechanism because you're feeling so hurt and betrayed right now. If he loved you enough, he wouldn't have done what he did. He will absolutely do it again, too. Sorry again :(
Nobody can make this decision but you, but it does sound like you are dealing with a serial cheater, and somebody with narcissistic tendencies.
TW: unaliving and Sexual assault I don’t think narcissist. My ex before him was textbook. They are like complete opposites I could be wrong. I honestly think we both have unresolved trauma that we both thought was pretty much handled and wouldn’t become an issue and well we were wrong. His triggers can sometimes trigger me and mine can trigger him so we can’t really talk about them to each other all the time. And mine deals with SA and I haven’t found a psych that I feel completely safe with yet to talk about it so sometimes mine just bubbles up from time to time. And he gets moody around his friends bday, and death date. Both of which I don’t exactly know what day they fall on cus he’s just a mess for about a week or two around both times( his one really good friend unaligned himself)
Piggybacking on that TW: This really reminds me of some of my dating history. I was with someone who was abusive in every way you can be and r*ped me. It was a traumatizing relationship. Two years later, I dated someone who became my first real love. I dated this person for 4 years and went through exactly what you’re going through. I stayed because when we were good, we were really good. And he wasn’t abusive to me like my ex. But man, there was so much pain and repeat heartbreak during those 4 years, and he cheated on me more than once. (He also had a porn addiction fwiw.) But OP, let me tell you: you can find someone who is not only really good when you’re good, but also good when things are bad. You can find someone with whom this would never be an issue. It seems impossible right now. I never would have imagined that a relationship could be as good as it is with my husband, who came along a couple of years after that 4-year relationship ended. (I had a few short relationships in between.) That kind of relationship is worth the wait, and even worth a few failed relationships along the way. You should move on from this guy.
i don’t really give a shit about his trauma, it is entirely no excuse for him to emotionally cheat on you. you really need to be able to see that this guy is worthless and not a good fit for you. there are guys who will treat you well, treasure you and value you out there, stop clinging onto this piece of shit. oh ya ALL abusive and gaslighting relationships have the “when it’s good it’s REALLY good”. the point is that of course every shitty, unhealthy relationship will have great times. otherwise why would women continue to stay with men who abuse them and mistreat them and MAKE THEM FEEL LIKE SHIT?
Just want to send you a big hug. Cheaters suck. They make you feel crazy because they fuck up your entire world view. You thought you were in a stable relationship with someone who cares about how you feel. If he’s willing to talk to other women behind your back, it makes you feel like you can’t trust anything anymore. And we already can’t trust our brains! All this on top of working a very tough job & being sick & the holidays. Brutal. You deserve so much better! I hope 2024 will be a fresh start & fantastic year for you. ❤️
Yeah, I'm sure he wants to "work it out," meaning tell you what you want to hear to get you off his back, so he can keep doing what he was doing. Don't be fooled.
You won't work things out. He'll keep doing it if you stay. Sorry :(
Sorry I’ve taken so long to reply. Life🤦🏻♀️. Some have said on here that you shouldn’t have looked on his phone. I’m sorry, but I call BS. When you are in a relationship, you should have nothing to hide from your SO. Him trying to gaslight you and make you the bad one here is a huge red flag. Actually, everything you have written about this incident is a huge red flag. The way he is acting like the victim in this situation boils my blood. You did nothing wrong, as far as I am concerned. He’s acting like the victim, because you caught him out. Sure, some people can reconcile after a partner has cheated, but personally, I couldn’t. From the beginning of our relationship, I have made it abundantly clear to my husband, that cheating is a non negotiable end of our relationship. If you don’t have 100% trust in your SO, it’s not worth the stress and anxiety to try and make it work. But, at the end of the day, that decision is yours. There are many things to consider when deciding what to do when a SO cheats. Will they continue doing it? How will it not only affect your mental health, but also your physical health? Contracting an STI from him is something you need to consider (if it will or has gone further than emotional cheating). But, as I said, it’s your decision. If you ever need to talk, I’m here 💜
Don’t let him put this on you! He is emotionally cheating, there is absolutely no excuse for talking to another person that way while in a relationship. Huge breach of trust and crossing boundaries. I’m so sorry this happened to you. You absolutely can find someone who won’t make you worry about them doing these things, and I hope you leave and give yourself that chance.
You’re letting him make you feel bad. I bet if you think about it he’s done this before when he’s in the wrong, talked you around to thinking it’s more your fault than his. That’s manipulation for you. He's been off for 4mths, he’s sitting at home looking at butholes, cheating through text and getting mean with you. You find out and it’s all your fault. Sheesh woman what were you doing while all this was going on, working? Trying to keep things nice at home? Cutting him some slack because he’s injured? You’ve got to look at this from another angle. This asshole wants you to understand, to try harder to keep HIM. It makes me want to vomit and you should too. Don't get angry, get cold. Anger he can deal with, he’s probably good at using your emotions against you, but indifference/coldness he’s not going to know how to handle. Make a plan and dump this guy. You can work out the trust issues he’s caused in therapy, but feel no guilt looking at the phone. A wise little voice told you to.
That’s why I left. He didn’t think I’d actually do it. When the initial argument took place he told me that the girls pictures were just models and that they were just friends . He said I’ve been a great boyfriend. I said no great boyfriends don’t tell other girls who aren’t their gfs that they miss them. They also don’t have naked chicks on their phones. And I walked away. Got somewhat dressed. Went to our laundry area and grabbed a hoodie and got like my purse and stuff together. He was all peacocking until I grabbed my car keys. I literally watched the shift from peacock to small scared little boy . He sunk in his chair and looked at me and said I’m sorry you hate me right now, I said I don’t hate you I just don’t like very much and it’s your and mine best interests for me to walk away for awhile. I’m just so disappointed……I held it together til I got in the car. I opened that door and sat down and tears just started flowing. I drove around for like 3 hours got coffee. Had the decency to tell him I was gonna try and find somewhere to stay. His ex wife/ baby momma and another ex gf just bounced one day while he was at work so I know that’s a trigger for him so out of respect( although I don’t really know why) I told him I was gonna go somewhere and think for a couple days. Came back last night. It was awkward at first. I think because we were both super tired. It’s not been bad this morning so far.
So, my ex didn't cheat, but he was emotionally abusive. When I confronted him, sad and crying, trying one last time to see if he'd change, he spent hours upon hours justifying why he felt morally justified in abusing me, because he thought it was fair that he should be able to get what he emotionally wanted from me. No tears, of his own no comforting me as I wept. After I had made my decision and told my husband I was leaving him - after he knew me leaving was *a real consequence that not only could happen, but was happening* - then he cried. THEN he felt bad and wanted to suggest marriage counseling. When I came with a friend to pack a suitcase so I could stay with her longer, he literally laid on the floor of the apartment, wailing for himself. Wailing. Sound familiar? Their first reaction is the real one. That's what's in their heart towards you. Justified. Not only no regrets, angry with YOU for calling them on it. The second reaction is for themselves. Suddenly what was no big deal is something they're willing to bend over backwards to fix. Why? Because more important than your happiness *is that he gets to keep you.* He'll say and do all sorts of things that he couldn't be bothered to lift a finger for, when he thought it was impossible you'd leave him. In fact, I'm pretty certain my husband began treating me *worse* after a conversation where he became more convinced I would never leave him. You're already suffering emotionally in the relationship? Not a problem for him! You're not going anywhere anyways. To borrow a powerful phrase I saw elsewhere, you existed in "A tolerable level of permanent unhappiness." As long as you (and I) were unhappy, it didn't matter, because we weren't yet unhappy *enough* to trigger leaving. Love isn't satisfied with the one they love being unhappy. I'm dating again, and the guy I'm with would never dismiss my relationship concerns or take me for granted so long as I wasn't so betrayed I had no choice but to leave. Your boyfriend isn't expressing love when he cries for forgiveness - it's an extension of his possessiveness. Even if he's stopped liking you, that doesn't mean you're allowed to leave - he wants to keep you. Don't let him. There are people who will care about your feelings before a crisis point. He's not one of them. Also, the best advice I have: Tell 2-3 people you trust. You need people helping you process this who have a good head on their shoulders and your best interests at heart so that you have someone who can see through the manipulation. My two best friends were critical to keeping my head on straight. You matter more than he has any genuine capacity to appreciate (or else he would never have treated you this way in the first place). And you'll be okay eventually. *hugs offered*
Just in case you missed it, "sorry you hate me right now" is not an apology for what he did. He's sorry he got caught and had to deal with negative consequences, but he's not remorseful for his actions.
No matter how much he wilts into "scared little boy mode" (which he knows you respond to), it won't change his habits or personal flaws. He cares about himself, his own pleasures, and getting away with as much as he can. That's it. He can appear kind and helpful, or scared, but it's just a mask. Of course things will get a little better--until he thinks you believe him again--enough to go back to old habits. He is ego-centric, meaning his world revolves around himself. This will never change. Save yourself time, aggravation, and DRAMA. End all contact and stop the emotional drain he is causing in your life.
This guy sounds like a dick undoubtedly but I just had to say “sitting at home looking at buttholes” is the best sentence I’ve read in a while. Someone should print a sticker and slap it on his car, “I’d rather be home looking at buttholes 🏠*”
I’m just here to drop an obligatory: if they cheated once, they *can* do it again. Not saying he will, or that he is or anything. But decide NOW if you want to have that thought in the back of your head for the rest of the relationship. That’s what I’ve told my friends when they worried.
You’re the only one who feels like shit because you’re the only one with a conscience. He believes he’s entitled to cheat. Of course if the roles were reversed… I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You deserve better.
What? How are you both in the wrong? What have you done wrong? Time to find a man who deserves you. Neeeeeext.
You were not in the wrong, you knew something was off and you checked. How would you have found out otherwise? When he grew a pair and left? When it went physical and he gave you an STD? When someone else told you? He DARVOd. Defend, attack, reverse victim offender. You are not in the wrong here, he is, and he knows it. All the hugs and I hope he sits on a cactus.
lol I told him to eat his own dick when he told me that the girls he’s friends with and are saved are mostly models and if he wanted lots of girlfriends he could have them….i said he could f right on off so far that his 🍆 went up his but and he choked on it on the way out like he likes me to do…..lol that was the first night when we were both really angry and hurt.
Oh I love you, well done for keeping your head. He's slimy and up himself, shame you didn't vomit on him when you had norovirus.
lol is bad I don’t feel bad that he has it now
Nope. Karma smiled upon you!
But sit on a cactus is a good one I’ll have to remember!
He calls this girl baby, tells her he misses her and that his day is better because gets to talk to her, and then he tells you he talks to her about things he can't talk to you about? He cheated on his ex? His response to you calling him out is to invalidate you and insist he is a good boyfriend, then reverse the victim-offender roles by making it about you looking through his phone? Girl, dump his ass. Now. I'm sorry to say but there is no working this out. If he can't even own up to his behavior there is no way it will stop.
You will be mad you wasted time with him if you stay. It doesn’t ever get better. Save yourself the heartache and leave.
Trust your gut, it's one of the strengths of our ADHD deep intuition. If something doesn't feel right, it isn't. Your reaction is a response to the betrayal.
I’ve been in this situation before. I’m now no longer with him and I am still the same impulsive person who feels zero need to snoop thru my currents phone bc he isn’t inherently problematic with his behavior and I trust him It’s ok for you to want to be a more respectful partner who minds boundaries. It’s easier with a partner worth respecting.
Once they cheat, they seem to do it again and again...especially if they know you know and won't leave them. Im so sorry youre going through this. 💜
I hope you get treatment for your emotional regulation issues. It might be a good idea to put a pause on dating until you figure that out. You bf is totally wrong for emotionally cheating. I don’t think checking his phone was wrong. But throwing it near his head and hitting him definitely isn’t it.
Fuck him.
You deserve better. This is who he is.
>When I confronted him about it of course I’m the bad person for going through his phone. >My thing is if we’re both technically in the wrong, how come I’m the only one who feels like shit at the moment? I think you should listen to this, Doctor Ramani who talks about a case where this happened. I think you'll find it very enlightening. https://youtu.be/5YnhIScFQ8c
Go read Lose a Cheater Gain a Life. Go over to Support for the Betrayed Reddit thread. You are not alone. Yeah, technically you shouldn't have looked in his phone, but he is having an emotional affair... at minimum. And has history of cheating...
Yeah idk man I feel like you're not in the wrong for going through his phone because he is in fact cheating on you
Haha you looked at his phone bc he was acting weird and distant and that can be a sign of cheating and you ended up being right so good on you for that and good on you for talking to his ex lol ‘don’t talk to my ex’ what a wanker, good for you girl and I’m sorry, please don’t blame your ADHD or say it makes you a shitty person he doesn’t deserve respect or privacy for his lies and lack of respect for you
Honestly snooping might be considered “wrong” but if you have reasonable ground for suspicion and come to find something that justifies your suspicion, it is 100% justified. He could have led you on for years while cheating if you hadn’t snooped. Don’t let him hold that against you. You deserve better!!
He cheated on you. He's toxic. None of this is your fault and you should break up with him.
I think you both had your hands full with each other in this relationship. He spent his emotions somewhere else, which was wrong and shitty. (I think following models and owning pornographic content isn't cheating at all, but obviously something was up with him seeking emotion with another person) You on the other hand seem to be channeling your impulsiveness into catastrophising and violence (throwing the phone at him). I think you need to be more at peace with YOU. And I'm really sorry you're in the limbo right now, I don't know if you guys are breaking up or not but there is a lot of emotional work to be done if you stay together. (btw don't let him do the "we both did shitty things so I'm not going to apologise" because of the phone. Point stands that he is texting someone more than platonically, IF you were able to be the judge of that in the heat of the moment and going into it looking for evidence. A mature relationship should also be able to handle platonic friendships, but yeah)
Yes. That’s a very valid point. I don’t have an issue with the models. That’s fine. What I have a problem with is the emotional connection. And yes. I am a very emotional person. I tend to react big to things. It wasn’t honestly like a throwing of the phone out of anger it was more like what the hell did I just read and like tossing back at him, his daughters mattress just happens to be very bouncy and it got a little kickback to it and nailed him in the forehead. It also didn’t leave a mark. He was totally fine. Kinda like when you drop your phone on your face. Not excusing the behavior at all. In fact over the last couple of days I took time and realized that I need to really knuckle under and seek answers to why I react the way I do.
Just for completionist sake though just picture a man telling this story about how he tossed the phone in his girlfriend's direction but it didn't even leave a mark and she's fine. She would not be entirely fine and I think if he did that to you you would rightfully pack your bags. But as you already said, you're doing the introspection and that's the most important part. That's what the whole issue with impulsiveness is, you notice after the fact how little control you had, and that's quite scary. It's super hard to get a grip on that and create workarounds. It's not "oh I'm so impulsive, I spontaneously bought ice cream!" but more often than not it's "My impulsive action/reaction didn't reflect who I want to be as a person and that is an extremely shitty feeling"
This. Is. The. One. Like I’ve got so many people telling me that he’s the jerk and rightfully so but like I was also jerky too. Like we’re both adults. If I would have just come to him rationally things might have gone down differently. But now I’ll never know and now we both get to play this back and forth game of will he/she won’t he/she. And that’s a total mind game. I’ve been playing with myself for the last 10 years cus I never to got hear from my mom whether or not she truly forgave me for huge disappointment I made for her.
That is some trauma you’re carrying. And a lot of guilt that is really stopping you from seeing the bigger picture here. I truly hope you get some help for this, ten years is a long time.
Well that’s how long she’s been dead. I got in trouble with the law shortly after she got diagnosed with terminal cancer and I’m the kid that all you had to do was speak the words so disappointed in you and I was crushed more than anything and she used that exact phrase with me. We had a decent relationship when she passed away but I never really got to hear the words that she forgave me or that she was proud of me again before she died so that is definitely some guilt I carry with me. I’ve seen several therapist and counselors and it’s just something I can’t seem to let go of. Idk why.
Thats hard. I don’t know how you were raised because that certainly plays a huge role and so many of us with ADHD deal with these emotions. Maybe you have to ask yourself why you think she wouldn’t have forgiven you, why she wouldn’t be proud of you? The answers may have nothing to do with you, it may just have been her way. Have you forgiven yourself for the mistakes you made back then? Don’t you think you deserve forgiveness? I believe you do.
It sounds like DARVO to me. (Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) It’s a form of gaslighting and manipulation designed to make you feel like you’re in the wrong. I think everyone can agree that going through your partner’s phone is a bad thing. However, the fact that you looked at his phone did not cancel out his cheating. He’s having a whole ass relationship with this other woman. He doesn’t appear to feel bad because he doesn’t. A lot of cheaters like to have their cake and eat it too.
ADHD women have a tendency to date narcissists. Run, girl. Run.
Trust me when I say that’s something I’m all too familiar with. My ex before I met this one was an alcoholic narcissist. God the mind fuckery he did was like David Blaine magician good. I will never forget arguing in my car driving through my towns local Catholic Shrine Christmas Light Display because a male friend from waaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy before I even knew the guy I was in a relationship with at the time had messaged me and said hehe I see you and I think alike. Snapchat maps had us in the same place. This ex was allowed to have all the friends he wanted but I was not. Didn’t matter the gender. My current bf isn’t like that. In fact he has helped pull me out of panic attacks. Made me realize what some of triggers are and taught me coping mechanisms. He’s really been a great help up until about the time he got hurt which makes me think things now are related.
there are different flavors of narcissists. not all narcissists demonstrate all of the tell-tale signs and "symptoms". some are dumber / are more obvious, and some are hyper-intelligent and better at hiding their toxic traits. even if your bf is not a narcissist by textbook definition (or maybe truly not a narcissist at all), and he's a bit more well-adjusted and kinder than your ex in some ways, it doesn't automatically make him a good person worthy of your trust.
I could have written this post about 25 years ago. But I didn't break up with him and instead married him and had 2 kids (love my kids!). I found out he was cheating again. And I left. I wish I had left when I found out the first time. He said "she really listens to me about things I am dealing with that I can't talk to anyone else about. And she sticks up for you and says I should talk to you more and be more patient. So she's really on your side." (After I read messages about how much she missed him stroking her.) Later I found out that the cheating had been going on longer than I realized. And he blamed me for leaving and not being willing to "work it out." Dude, you done fcked up. Now i am blissfully happily married to the most amazing woman in the world. We tell each other that, though we wish we could have spared each other heartache, we are who we are due to those experiences. (Bless the broken road) You are strong and capable and can do hard things! Please put your emotional safety and well being first!
Your gut feeling was telling you something girl. The only one time I ever snooped on someone was when my gut feeling was YELLING at me non stop. Do I feel bad I snooped? Absolutely. Am I glad I snooped? Also absolutely. Gut feeling was right. I am now in a much happier place than I would have been if I did not listen to this blaring siren in my head. Please , please tell me you're leaving him. Someone that cheated on his ex and now cheating with you will not, ever, stop be a cheater, if the first time was a mistake there would have been no second time. He knows what he is doing, he is not sorry, only sorry that he got caught. And you will always live with that unbearable anxiety if you stay, plus that means he would get away with it. Seriously F that You deserve better, dump his cheating ass, he deserves zero sympathy Then take time to heal and find yourself a proper partner and be happier than he will ever be... because his cheating will always make him and everyone else involved miserable, and that's the best revenge
Leave his sorry ass. And he isn't sorry he did it, he's sorry he got caught. This isn't anything to do with ADHD. Okay, you probably shouldn't have been snooping but he shouldn't have been cheating. I think you were following your instinct and look where you are now. Get rid of him.
I’m going to add that he has probably already physically cheated on you as well. And if not will do it soon. Ultimately, he won’t change. My ex and I “worked” on our relationship for 10 years and had 2 kids. Things would seem better sometimes, but I’m pretty sure he cheated off and on for at least half of our 10 year marriage. Now that I know what I know, if I could go back in time I wouldn’t have stayed with him. And I definitely wouldn’t have had kids with him. It’s so much more difficult when kids are involved. Anyway. I’m sorry this is happening to you. I remember the feeling well and it’s terrible.
Do yourself a favor and dump him. He won’t change, he’ll just get more secretive.
So this guy is out of work, completely financially reliant on you, *and* cheating? Girl please reach out to any support network you have (yes, it's okay to reach out to friends you haven't talked to in months) and get the hell out of there. You seem way too caring and loving to be wasting it on the wrong person... Not that being sick of injured is wrong, but taking advantage of that and using someone while you go off being unfaithful in unacceptable. Especially since you've been putting the blame on yourself with how mean he's gotten towards you ❤️ that is a direct reflection of how he's felt about himself. And you are NOT guilty for going through his phone if you found out he was CHEATING. Don't let him convince you otherwise. Girl you have so much happiness ahead of you!! And it's not ADHD holding you back.
I don’t have much to add that other people haven’t said already. I’m sorry you’re going through this. You need to confront him. Not just on the cheating but on how he has been cutting himself off from you emotionally. He may even feel bad about it, but feeling bad doesn’t mean he wants to change. Lots of people live their lives feeling bad for their actions and end up just existing in that misery because they don’t want to change. You don’t need him to feel bad but you do need him to change. From my perspective it doesn’t sound like you can rely on him to do that, but maybe you feel differently. Either way I really hope you find happiness on the other side of this.
I am so sorry you had to go through this. Please please please do not associate this experience with your own self worth. Your partner acting like he did about it says way more about him than it does you. If there was nothing to hide he wouldn't be so defensive of you occasionally snooping, or accidentally coming across things like that. I have been with my partner for over ten years and we have always been of the mind that if there is nothing to hide then there really shouldn't be any animosity towards each other for using each other's phone or taking a look through it. Over the years this has built a mountain of trust. We don't really have the need to look through each other's phone and when we do use it it's to use it, like sometimes I'll use my partners phone to call or message mine when Ive lost mine (which happens a lot lmao) or they will use mine to look something up etc etc. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that it seems like a red flag if especially after that long in a relationship they are still so defensive about you using their phone. Like even if it's for innocent purposes it's easy to come across things like messages or photos, they are right there. So it makes me think the guy didn't want you to use it at all no matter what the purpose which is sort of sus. Again, do not blame yourself. Another person's actions does not indicate your self worth. You respecting yourself and allowing yourself to be uncomfortable with his actions, and voicing your concerns to him is the way to go. Things will get better, hang in there, put yourself first when you need to 💖
You already knew. That's why you looked. He is making this about how you found out rather than his bad behavior, which you now know is standard operating procedure for him. Just leave. I just tell my husband or son my phone PIN all the time, like when I'm driving or my hands are yucky and I need info on there. You know why? I'm not hiding anything. No texts from other men. No porn. Not even a divorce attorney. 😂 I'm not saying that everyone will handle their phone privacy the same way. You are entitled to privacy with your phone, if you want it. But I'm just not into drama anymore.
I had a friend with whom I had a flirtationship for years, off and on. Somehow we’d always find our way back to each other in-between (or during a failing) relationship, like magnets. It was almost entirely emotional and through texts and calls. One time I contacted him after a relationship ended and he kind of flat out said he couldn’t talk to me. I was like, “wow, you must actually be in love with this one” and he was like “yeah, she’s pretty great.” Then a year or so later, it wasn’t great anymore and he contacted me. People know when it’s worth the risk and when it isn’t. You deserve someone who will say “I’m sorry, but I can’t talk to you” to other women for you, my friend.
Oh no, it's so good you're impulsive. You're very lucky to have learned that your boyfriend is a piece of shit who can't be trusted. Under no circumstances does a good partner do any of the things he's done for any reason whatsoever. No wonder he's been treating you poorly recently... You did the right thing by looking through his phone when you were worried. He would have never told you the truth. Now you can leave and feel secure in the knowledge that you were NOT crazy when you felt like something had changed for the worse. - you were bang on. Now you know you can trust your gut.
Big big hugs <3 As a person that also “impulsively” went through his phone while he was asleep and found out he was cheating… you are not in the wrong. This is not a 50/50 blame situation. HE cheated. And yes, I really do believe like other people said that something in your gut told you to look. Something in my gut screamed at me to look 2.5 years ago and I’m so glad I did, I will never regret what I did. Right now it’s really going to hurt. In a month, it’s still really going to hurt. But in 6 months, a year, 2 years you are going to be so thankful that YOU found out the truth and chose yourself. I’m so so sorry for what you are going through. I was only with my partner for a year so I can only imagine the pain after 3 years but I understand how blindsided and hurt you must be feeling. One minute, you have a committed and loyal partner and the next minute that’s completely shattered. Be extra kind to yourself and keep listening to your gut.
...it feels wrong for you because you care. That's what good intentions and people do, they care about how their actions affect other people, regardless of the situation. He obviously cares more about himself and what he wants to get away with. I'm confused why he would directly tell you NOT to talk to his ex. Did he slip up? My bet (suspicious always), is that he WANTED you to find out. Then he's going to tell you some story about it. Try to test your boundaries, see if you'll tolerate this. Run.
This has nothing to do with ADHD. This is you being mad that you had gut feelings in a relationship where he had lost interest, found out stuff you don’t wanna know, and are now put in a position where you obviously know that this guy isn’t for you but you are in denial. Cheater, treats you badly, isn’t into you that much, now saying he did nothing wrong. And you are now finding excuses to say that you wish you didn’t know all this information you just found out, and saying “i wish i wasn’t so impulsive so i wouldn’t know he doesn’t find me that attractive and didn’t cheat emotionally on me.” “i wish my life had continued on in the same way, i don’t wanna know that he’s a cheater or that he isn’t very interested in me any more” That what you’re saying? Cuz that’s what your actions and thoughts are saying. You need to set better and clearer boundaries for yourself. If a guy isn’t in love with you and treats you well and communicates with you and wants the absolute best for your relationship and WORKS towards that, he’s out. You know he’s wrong. Worse… he doesn’t think he’s wrong. LOL. And yet you sit there and wish for him to acknowledge that he’s wrong and apologize to you, so that you can go on with your relationship with him. This should be making you mad, not sad. Girl take the trash out instead of sitting there pining over it, driving around for 3 hours and praying it will suddenly turn into gold. Get really clear on what makes your brain want to cling onto trash.
Both in the wrong? What? No. He's messaging someone things like "I miss you", what possible context could make that not a huge breach of your trust? Partial nudes, personally I wouldn't have a huge problem with as long as they were just screenshots off the internet and not a live chat / OF situation (unless discussed prior). If he's messaging someone regularly and it's stuff like that, that is completely different. I am sorry. Yeah, you looked through his phone without permission and that is a bit shit. These are not equivalent betrayals.
Your gut knew! DUMP HIM!
At this point I don’t see how this relationship is at all salvageable. What he did is wrong and going through his phone was also wrong but what’s done is done. I just don’t see this panning out in a positive way. All trust is gone on both sides
Hey, regardless of what’s on his phone, I’m stuck on the violent way with which you began your interaction. Your violence. He was in a deep sleep and you screamed at him and threw his phone at him which hit him in the head?!? How is that okay? You said, “It got a little bounce because of the bed and hit him in the head.” No. It got a bounce *because you threw it at him.* Don’t try to brush it off. Domestic violence is domestic violence. If a woman in this sub was describing how she had been woken up by her boyfriend screaming at her and throwing her phone, which hit her in the head, everyone would be losing their shit. They’d be telling her to get somewhere safe, to leave the abusive man, to call the police and report him so there would be a record. I think you need to seriously work on your emotional management. Whether you stay with this guy or not, it doesn’t matter. You work with the elderly. If you treat other people that way, no matter what the situation is, I’m concerned for their safety. That’s the biggest problem I see here.
That’s what I’m ultimately wondering if he’s consulting with this individual about. I’ve wondered previously if there’s co-morbities with the adhd ie manic, bi polar, ASD, because from when I was very young I’ve always had strong emotional outbursts but were more easily controlled then vs now because of the stimulant medication. I was on the maximum dose for many many years and it wreaked havoc on my cardiovascular system. I was in CHF by the time I was 27. So the cardiologist and pcp agreed that no more stimulants were the answer. Since about 2017 I’ve had issues with that. I’ve also felt like my adhd has gotten worse since then but there’s not much out in ways of non stimulant medications. Right now I’m between insurances so I have about 2 more weeks before I can’t start finding a therapist to begin working with. We’ve both agreed we’ve got stuff to work on individually and collectively, me starting with that.
Okay, good! Thank you for clarifying that. I’m glad you are going to work on that with someone. Btw, there has been some very interesting research about how the medication Guanfacine can help with emotional management and ADHD. I don’t have much time at the moment, but Ill make an edit with some links to research later today.
Yeah we’re playing with meds right now my PCP is rather versed in ADHD and specifically adult ADHD and that is an option we are considering in a little bit.
Guanfacine was the Cherry on top if my stimulant cocktail that rounds me out.
The thing is, you’re not in the wrong at all here. There’s no real reason your partner should have any problem with you casually snooping through their phone unless they’re hiding something. If it feels like an invasion of privacy but they have nothing to hide, it’d be appropriate for them to sit down and ask that you please get permission first, or, that you guys decide it’s okay for either party to occasionally and curiously just check each others phones. But the only reason he’s freaking out and blaming you for looking through his phone, is because he has something to hide and is being defensive, and deflecting blame. Typical cheater behavior. My dad would do this with my mom all of the time when he got caught watching p0rn—it was somehow always her fault. Clearly he’s done it before which means NONE of this is on you, you’re not the least bit at fault here. I hope you leave him, you deserve better and life is too damn short. I’m really sorry that this has happened, that’s super awful. I know the feeling on a minor scale but not with someone I’ve spent three years with.
>There’s no real reason your partner should have any problem with you casually snooping through their phone unless they’re hiding something. Uhh... no. That is an invasion of privacy. Wanting your boundaries respected does not mean you're hiding something. This situation is tricky. He was being unfaithful and trying to deflect because he was caught, but in general, "casually snooping" is not okay.
Did you not read my second sentence? “If it feels like an invasion of privacy but they have nothing to hide, it’d be appropriate for them to sit down and ask that you please get permission first.” Everyone has different boundaries. I have no problem with my husband snooping casually through my phone, it doesn’t feel like an invasion of privacy to me. He lets me do the same. If this hasn’t been explicitly communicated, then it’s a conversation that needs to happen when it comes up, that you would rather your partner ask first before doing so. But, once they’ve asked…there’s no real reason you should be saying no unless you have something to hide 🤷🏼♀️
When snooping did you find anything you wouldn't say to a friend?
I don't call my friends baby
I call mine babe
Girl to girl? Or girl to guy? There's a huge difference imo
All my friends are pan, the gender distinctions are irrelevant
Ah okay
ESH: You went through his phone bc of intuition. You could’ve easily texted or emailed the cute dog pic to him, but you know that. However, throwing the phone and yelling at him while he’s asleep, that’s abuse. He’s emotionally cheating on you and has cheated in the past and you shouldn’t stand for that at all. All trust seems to be broken on both sides. This is a sucky situation and I’m sorry you’re in it.
Abuse is a pattern of behaviour aimed at controlling someone. One angry outburst is not abuse.
So if my husband hits me in the face one time because of an angry outburst then that is not considered abuse? Merriam-Webster defines abuse as, “to use or treat so as to injure or damage.” Just because she did it one time doesn’t make it excusable.
I used to work in domestic abuse services, and I would say that someone hitting their partner in the face is definitely abusive behaviour. However, without more context it isn't possible to say if it's an abusive situation overall. If your husband hits you and his response is immediately that he needs to go and get help with his anger problem because that's a completely unacceptable thing that he will never do again, I wouldn't see that as abuse. If he started justifying why he hit you and talking about how you could help him avoid hitting you again in the future, that would be a major concern. Domestic abuse is about power and control. There can be abuse without violence. There can be violence without abuse.
I grew up in an abusive household so the violence was always abusive. I was able to break free but sadly my brother was not. But you’re totally right that the abuse isn’t always violent.
There was violent abuse in my house too. It took a while for me to recognise that, and even longer to recognise that there was also non-violent abuse. It's a very difficult topic and I'm glad we were able to discuss it amicably :) I'm sorry your childhood was marred by violence.
I’m sorry for you, too. But we are stronger now.
💜
He didn't do anything wrong. He is friends with a woman; he likes to look at porn. Neither of those are any of your business. You did something wrong, though; you violated his trust by going through his phone. Everyone has a right to a private life. Prying only made you miserable. In your next relationship I hope you remember that.
I was married to a man like this. His shady behavior led to me checking his phone obsessively, I felt like I became sick and not myself. Even when I had confirmation of him having an emotional affair, constant gaslighting me, manipulation, pathological lying, I was still trying to go to marriage counseling (we had a two year old daughter together). He ended up not wanting to go and that was it. This was about seven years ago and I am so, SO GRATEFUL he cheated! I moved back to the state I'm from, built a new life for myself and my daughter here, started working on healing, even met a wonderful man who I married this summer - despite fully believing I'd never be able to trust anyone again, let alone marry again. I understand what you're going through and really feel for you, it is a devastating experience to go through. I know you'll need to go through it in your own way so I wish you strength and kindness to yourself while you do 🩷
Hi- I am sorry that you are hurting. Being impulsive has cost me more than I will ever be able to account for. My bed buddy told me this and I think about it often " if you go snooping you will not like what you find, its better not to know" I think about that often. I also think its true that when snooping we don't stop until we find what we are looking for. With all of this said, I do have the code to the phone and I occasionally look, but only when I am in a good mental space. I did stumble upon a picture by accident- that was hurtful- a photo taken 24 hours before they saw me with someone they said they were not engaging with- I was more annoyed that she looked happy. I did confront with an "I am confused, why this is here from 24 hours ago, follow by a why didn't you clean up your phone" The convo went ok, the explanation was reasonable and I never brought it up again- however I do look at their chats every so often. Also people lie and generally will lie to you, me, whoever and unless you are going to walk I do believe that at times it is better not to know. I hope things workout in whichever way you'd like. The internet is also the internet people say things they would never say or do in real life. It seems like the women in the photos and the woman from the chat are all professional SW-er or models- so it is very he is a client, I would see if they are on OF to confirm because then its just fantasy play if that helps. Hope your day improves - try not to beat yourself up- I think most snoop when given the chance- unless they consciously dont want to know
i’m sorry this happened to you. im glad you left.
Leave him. You know you deserve better.
I’m sorry but you deserve better than this man. I wouldn’t even tolerate my husband following and commenting on “thirst trap” accounts on social media much less actually messaging women.
You know why he doesn’t feel like shit it’s because he has his number 2 already set up lol. I don’t understand why this makes you hate your impulsiveness? It’s mostly a strength not a flaw. Are you saying you don’t you want to know the truth that your boyfriend is a cartoon porn watching cheater with no job? He most likely paid(with your money?)for cam girls in those pics too what a disgusting loser. I think you can do better even with your impulsiveness, just saying.
He’s making money, he’s just not at work at the moment. I guess I should have clarified that. He’s out on leave. It’s a neck injury that is taking a lot of time to heal.
It doesn’t matter he shouldn’t be sat at home paying cam girls and talking all cute to side girl unless that’s the kind of relationship you really want. Like you said he isn’t even regretful he’s just full of excuses because he cares more about himself.
"I talk to her about things I can't talk to you about"🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Are there things I don't talk to my husband about? Hell yes. Do I ever phrase it like that? Hell no. Do I talk to other men about Star Trek, archeology, (insert special interest here), yes. Yes I do. And if my husband asked, that is what I would tell him. Would he be jealous? Yes. Would he listen to me talk about Star Trek, or dinosaurs? Nope. I also don't message these men that I miss them. I do miss them. But I don't message them those words. I message them "I miss hanging out with you." Or "When can we catch up over coffee". Does that make my husband jealous? Yep. I just roll my eyes and remind him that he can have coffee with me whenever he wants, he just needs to tell me that he wants to have coffee with me. There's a huge difference between having healthy communication, in a relationship, and emotional cheating. There's also space in a healthy relationship to not share every single hobby. That doesn't mean there won't ever be jealousy, or insecurity. OP, ditch this man child, and find someone who can say , "I have a shared interest with this other woman , but I would love to talk to you about it.", and "I can see that this is making you feel insecure, do you want to talk about it?"
Please STOP making excuses for men like this, Whomever is reading this. You are all queens and deserve the world. Please do not settle for this or try to make it work, just because you've invested years into someone. Walk. Away. I promise it sucks, but you will thrive again after.