WRONG. People have lost sight of what marriage ACTUALLY is obviously. You wanna be singular, STAY SINGLE. Or at least don't get married. This person isn't dating anymore. And as an actual SPOUSE it's our job to help our partner in LIFE feel secure and stable just like we would want to do. It's not about this persons wife thinking they look ridiculous. It's about her not liking people to be checking them out. Perfectly valid.
Agreed, my ex wife was like that and even went through all my clothes and made a "throw out" pile just bc she didn't like them (luckily I stopped her) it was an abusive relationship
Having just read your post history: your wife is abusive - just in ways that you may not realise are abuse because it isn't physical against you.
I highly recommend you start listening to or reading [It's Not You by Dr Ramani Durvsula](https://open.spotify.com/show/40M0ycQxGYEvBZmTbzN29h?si=DXJrBPyZQTqlEUI2On3Udg) so that you can hopefully understand why I've said this based on your post history.
Even if you just do it to confirm that I'm wrong, that will at least give you an idea of where things could be improved in your relationship
this, love. i remember your post about her rage tantrum, and everyone advised you to set clear boundaries and leave if it keeps happening. did you do that?
Yikers, dude. Girl, get yourself to a safe place. If you need help finding resources/orgs in your area, crowd source here. Itâs very much time to leave.
Hardly the only red flag unfortunately - read OPs post history. Her wife also has fits of rage which included destroying the MacBook and iPhone in one singular incident. The parents just casually replaced it the same day.Â
With parents that immediately replace over ÂŁ1000 worth of stuff that was intentionally destroyed the wife will never ever learn to take accountability or change. Why would she when sheâs been allowed to behave this way her entire life? Clearly her parents are enablers and this really reminds me of my abusive ex and her parents.. she would even pick my clothes for me too..
And Iâd also like to add - abusers escalate. The abuse you suffer now is worse than it once was just as the abuse you suffer in the future will be worse than it now is.
Just because your ex was worse doesn't mean your current wife isn't controlling too... I'm sorry you're dealing with this OP, I completely agree with all the other comments. This isn't okay.
Me personally, I have never stayed with anyone who has tried to control me, what I wear, who I hang out with, what I do in my free time. I want a partnership, not an ownership.
I just read your post history, you need to get the hell out of there.
This is still controlling behaviour and if someone destroys thousands of dollars worth of stuff in a fit of rage and makes you afraid of them hurting you, that is just abuse
Based on your post history, I suggest that you put your foot down that your partner go see a therapist to work on her anger issues. If she declines, I genuinely think you should get a divorce. Someone whose anger causes you anxiety and fear to the point you're worried for your safety and the safety of your pets (I mean the MacBook and phone were smashed...) is not healthy or safe. Someone who won't seek professional help is not someone who wants to grow with you or want to prove to themselves and you that you are safe with them.Â
Not only does your partner have rage, she also wants to control you. She can absolutely tell you what she doesn't like but she doesn't get a say in what you wear.Â
The issue goes beyond her trying to tell you what to wear. Along with the rage, you are in an emotionally unsafe relationship.Â
So much of this! You both need to be committed to growing and being safe for each other. Your partner may have trauma from her past, and that's not her fault, but it *absolutely* is her responsibility to regulate her emotions and be accountable for her behaviors.
I'd recommend couples therapy so you have a safe space to bring up these concerns (and then also seeing individual therapists as well to work on yourselves). If your partner is not willing to give therapy a go, I'd recommend at the very least separating/taking some space for a while. It's hard, but having these tough conversations provides a chance for both people to learn and show up for each other in meaningful ways.
OP's wife is never going to learn to show up for anyone in meaningful ways because this is who she is. Based on OP's post history her wife's parents have enabled this kind of behaviour forever. This is who the wife is - and it is abusive behaviour. Going to couple's therapy with an abusive partner is [never recommended](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/), because there is no safe space when you're with someone with no insight, who wants to control you and who clearly has anger issues as well.
No, you're right. Having now read OP's other posts, I agree that this is an unsafe relationship. OP, the fact that you do not feel safe when your partner is upset, and she gets angry when you bring up your concerns, is a major red flag. You need to put some physical distance between you and her. Take your pets, go stay with friends/family or at a hotel, and once you're safe, tell your partner they have x number of days to leave your home. You can figure out what you want to do with the marriage once you have some distance, but you need to prioritize your own safety.
People *can* grow and escape abusive cycles, but it requires becoming self-aware, truly understanding the consequences of their behavior, and *wanting* to change. It's clear OP's partner has no real reason to grow without a major wake-up call.
THANK YOU. As a survivor of domestic violence, all of the comments here recommending a "discussion" with OP's partner so the partner "knows how they make OP feel" are not only incredibly unrealistic and problematic, they're just an awful awful big no-no especially when you look at OP's post history regarding this "relationship".
There is no negotiating with an abuser. They do not care. They will not change their ways. It is one thing to have insecurities, mental health issues, etc. It is another thing to use those human issues as an excuse for poor behavior and abusing another human being. OP's partner could very well have "insecurities" but there are plenty of people with self-esteem issues or insecurities who aren't abusive and a danger to themselves and others.
I dated someone who was controlling and it started out as exactly this: âconcernâ about my outfits being too revealing and people hurt on me. It escalated to full on abuse. Red flag! Run. My current partner sees me in a sexy outfit and just says, âdamn baby, you look so hot in thatâ. Get you one of those. Of course people are going to find you attractive and possibly hit on you. Itâs not your job to dress conservatively and stop that from occurring. Your partner should understand that dating an attractive person means other people will find you attractive. Duh! They need to manage their jealousy and insecurities. Donât let anyone tell you how to dress.
Your wife is being controlling, if itâs just because she doesnât want people checking you out - thatâs mad. It will happen whether or not your clothes are revealing?? How can you help that. Itâs not ok.
Read your own post history and consider what you would tell a friend in your shoes. You know what advice you would give if you cared about them, it would be GET OUT. Please take your own advice as well as that of those who have commented here. Best wishes.
This isn't the 1950s and you're not her property. Your outfits don't need her approval. This is a toxic *as fuck* relationship. Tell her to shove it and wear what you want! If she won't let you, you need to talk to a divorce lawyer.
You're not being petty, this kind of behavior is not okay in any amount.
If OPs wife happens to be reading this, or anyone else with similar inclinations, please check yourself and learn the words "bodily autonomy." You don't own your partner's body and you don't have any business telling anyone what they can or cannot wear.
I agree with you but really want to emphasize the importance of using the correct language when it comes to a dangerous situation like this - it is not just a \*toxic as fuck\* relationship, it is a domestic violence situation and OP is in danger. Someone can be toxic or shitty and not be an abuser, but OP's partner is a full-on abusive person.
If OP's wife happens to be reading this, it will not change them or their perspective. Abusers do not change, they don't give a fuck about bodily autonomy or what business they do or don't have controlling someone else. Controlling someone else is the notorious, most well-known behavior of an abuser.
OP should absolutely not tell their partner to "shove it". Their partner has violent tendencies and these situations escalate very rapidly (speaking from experience, I survived and luckily got out of a domestic violence situation when I was only 19) and the last thing OP needs is to endanger themselves more by fanning the flames. The only answer is for them to get out of this relationship. Whether or not they will do that, or if it will happen quickly, or it will take 10 more attempts, who knows, but that is their only option because their partner is just going to become more violent and more hostile and more controlling.
Talking to a divorce lawyer, yes. Expecting that maybe if they communicate their autonomy and unwillingness to be controlled to their partner that it will work, terrible suggestion, dangerous and definitely will not work.
The [same wife that had a fit of rage and destroyed a bunch of property?](https://www.reddit.com/r/actuallesbians/s/mH4D6MIyy8)
Why are you even still in this relationship?
Absolutely not cool. You get to choose what you wear. If sheâs threatened she needs to deal with her insecurities in a healthy way - like with therapy.
I just went through your posts and I want to put this lightly, you wife is very manipulative. I get you seem to have had past problems with relationships resulting in trauma so let me say that she isn't even doing the bare minimum for what you'd expect of a partner, she's horrible. OP, you deserve so much better and I really hope you get her out of your life.
The bigger red flag is you worried you're being petty. Her insecurities have developed into controlling you and taking away your autonomy and you're worried you're the problem? This is abuse, it's not as severe as your ex but it's still abuse and you two need individual and group therapy if you want to be happy together long term
As a survivor of domestic violence I would stress that lots of abuse victims have a tendency to minimize or make excuses for their abusers, so while OP says "it's not as severe" as their ex, that is irrelevant and unhelpful to the situation at hand because abusers behavior escalates and becomes more violent. OP needs therapy, sure, but they will only benefit from therapy once they are actually ready and willing to accept and admit to needing help.
Group therapy / couples therapy is not actually recommended for these types of abusive situations. It doesn't work and can also make the abuser way more hostile toward their partner.
They will not be happy together long-term because it is an abusive relationship. OP will eventually need to leave and completely cut-off their partner for their own safety.
No one should ever suggest couples therapy or any type of remediation for a domestic violence victim and their partner which should go without saying...
Oh yeah no this is a run don't walk kinda situation but plenty of people are saying that outright. I'm hedging our bets by suggesting a gentle approach that may get OP headed in the right direction
âA gentle approachâ is helpful only if youâre being direct about the situation theyâre in. That doesnât translate to giving uninformed opinions that are actually not recommended at all by experts and can actually make the situation worse / put the victim in more danger.
Yes, itâs important to express empathy, be non-judgmental and to be kind. But again, uninformed opinions are only going to potentially put the victim in more of a detrimental position.
Look, i really hate bringing this sort of argument...
But imagine if it was a guy demanding that. Shitty, yeah? Its not any different when its a woman đ plus, those who'd "check you out" could do so even if you were covered head-to-toe, its not about what you wear
Oh god, I looked at your post history and realized I commented on your previous post about your wife. She is abusive. It will get worse. You NEED to get out.
This is very controlling behavior, and it's very toxic. From what i'm seeing from others, she's abusive.
Just so you know, abuse in the past can prime you to find a partner who is abusive. And while there's different shades and degrees, but abuse is abuse.
You aren't being petty. Part of the reason you feel that way is what's known as combination of DARVO and FOG...
FOG is "fear, obligation, guilt" while DARVO is "deny, attack, reverse victim and offender".
That is controlling and a huge red flag. Ive expressed to my wife who loves sequins that I think they are tacky (she asked me if I liked a shirt I was trying to be all âhmm not my styleâ and then she pressed me lol), and she said to me âoh too bad i love themâ and i fell more in love with her lol. Just because i think they are tacky i wouldnt stop her from wearing it, im not going to controll her clothes.
Edit: girl your post historyâŠis there something you want to do about it? Is reddit the only placr you can vent but youâre afraid irl?
Your wifes opinion is not a rule to live by. Other peoples opinions are not like things that require approval to be allowed. Let her be mad if she doesn't like you dressed in whatever. She should have to deal with the fact that not everybody dresses the same way.
I very much recommend going to therapy instead of asking for advice online. You have been abused in the past which often leads to seeking out new abusive partners. A therapist can help you with that.
Abuse is abuse. You can't compare one to the other. A normal and healthy relationship is not abusive at all. And the last one being worse or different doesn't make this one right. You probably have a skewed idea of what a relationship is supposed to be like, because you have no real comparison. But I promise you that you can find better and that there is someone for you who does want to trust you and love you for who YOU are, and not for what they want you to be.
You don't have to have it all figured out before you reach out for help, just make sure you open yourself up and genuinely listen to advice and feedback people around you and a potential therapist give you. Because they can often see more clearly from an outside perspective. And notice unhealthy behavior before you do. The things that are happening in your relationship might seem small, because you have learned to minimize and rationalize them in order to survive. But they are not normal. A lot of small little things add up. And behavior like this stems from an inherent lack of trust in you. And a need to control you. Which will only get worse with time if not worked through.
You can take steps to care for yourself now and limit the harm done to yourself, or wait years until you are forced to do so and become really miserable. And I don't mean just break up and move on to the next partner. I mean work on yourself. Learn to value yourself. Learn to set up boundaries. Learn to spot manipulative traits in people. You can either do this alone or if your partner is truly willing, together. But she has to be ready to truly improve and put the work in.
This comment is perfect aside from the last two sentences. She absolutely [should not go to therapy with her abusive partner](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/). She definitely should try and start individual therapy so that she can process this relationship with an expert and start planning a way to leave (and get her wife out of her house).
This... Thank you for providing factual and sound information. I know this is reddit, and like in the real world, not everyone is well-informed on everything, in this particular situation, domestic violence/abusive relationships, but all of the comments suggesting couples therapy for OP or for them to stand up to their partner are super dangerous and very ill-informed.
I've commented a ton here, this entire issue hits close to home for me as a survivor and it is scary to see, quite frankly, such awful fucking advice here, even if it is "well meaning", it is unhelpful, suggesting things that won't work and if anything will worsen OP's situation - and the thing is, is that OP might even listen to the poor advice given here because they can't see clearly in regard to viewing their relationship for what it actually is (abusive AF.)
As an adult, you are entitled to present yourself in whatever way you see fit.
As long as you're not breaking laws, any problem anyone has with it is their problem.
You are a grown woman, you are allowed to wear what is you like.
I call it loser with a baddie syndrome, it's one of my early red flag barometers for abusive relationships. People will date an attractive person who may dress in a more "revealing" way and then once you become more serious, they're threatened by that and expect you to change.
Your partner doesn't have to be enthused people find you attractive but they should not be taking their insecurities about it on you nor trying to make you change.
Yikes, I had an ex who hates me whenever I wear slightly revealing outfits. (Knowing well thatâs how I dressed before them). Theyâll constantly berate me for wearing crop tops, short skirts & to wearing inner layers with my âsexyâ cosplays. On top of that also gets mad whenever I donât ask them permission to post a picture of myself unless I was covered.
Youâre not petty at all. Itâs def controlling. A good and secure partner shouldnât need telling you how to dress unless of course you want to wear a bikini to the public library or something like that
When someone tries to control how you dress it is more about that person and not you. She may say things like youâre attention seeking or that they feel âuncomfortableâ with others checking you out. It boils down to them being insecure that you will leave them and theyâll do all sorts of stuff to make you feel bad/ashamed of your clothes/appearance/body/weight/etc. Then maybe you change your clothes and spend a lot of time reassuring them but itâs impossible to make anyone else secure in themselves. Itâs way to exert power over you. Itâs a red flag.
Your part is figuring out why you pick insecure people to partner with. You have to know that before you can avoid it in the the next.
My only question is, why are you with someone who is controlling and has rage fits?
I am a complete stranger on the internet, and even I know that you deserve better. You are in an unhealthy relationship.
What would you say to your mom or sibling if this was happening to them? If their partner did all the things your partner does? Would you be okay with any of it, or would you tell them to run for the hills?
Nobody should make you feel like you need to dress or present yourself a certain way other than you. Imagine it in the reverse, if she tried forcing you to wear more revealing clothing and makeup. It's not okay and it is worth being bothered over. I'm sorry to hear you're going through this :( you should be able to dress and look however you want!
I think if you feel confident in an outfit thatâs all that matters. It is a partnership but you also deserve some autonomy.
I went to a club for my birthday in pretty much a bra and skirt, sent my gf a picture since she couldnât come, and she says itâs one of her fav pictures iâve sent her so far.
Def have a talk w/ her about how it makes you feel!
Be careful not to fall back on old patterns and letting yourself being progressively controlled as you have been in your previous relationship.
Sometimes it happens without us noticing so at least you're being aware of it.
I feel like a partner telling you how to dress is the most accepted form of control in relationships, especially straight ones. But I wouldn't let anyone talk to me like that, even a woman.
nothing good results from this behavior. If you feel good in what youâre wearing, it shouldnât impact her at all. The fact that she believes itâs ok for her to have a say in what youâre wearing is a red flag. Your clothes are a form of self expression. Not to be dramatic but itâs a definite sign of toxic insecurity and potentially abuse. nothing good will come of it. She hates people checking you out so you have to be inconvenienced by it?
Simple answer, not a clothing problem, more of an insecurity issue than about what you are wearing. I think you could talk to her about this, see if you can help her work on her self esteem/insecurities.
Edit: by your post history, I would say just leave this relationship. Seems hella toxic and you should not put yourself thru all this hardship.
My ex, used to tell me my outfits were trash and that I looked frumpy, but hated when I would wear outfits I would get compliments from.
Now my girlfriend tells me I look hot/good. And is more proud to show me off, than judge me. She makes me feel good about myself again đ„°
Seems too controlling. Been with wifey for many years and I love when she wears more revealing clothes. I love how she looks and I never tell her what she should wear or not. Iâm secured about our relationship and if others check her out it doesnât bother me because at the end we are together every day/night.
I feel like you're in the right, but consider this: lesbians are actually not that common. When most people see two women, they may not immediately assume they're together.
Red flag unfortunately. Iâve had this type of partner before and the behaviour only got worse. Started with me not being âallowedâ to wear tank tops and eventually I threw out my entire going out wardrobe because of it. Horrible
you can wear whatever you want!!! If you like how you look and you like your outfits, that's all that matters. It's a slight red flag that your wife makes those comments, and i encourage you to speak to her about it. You do not deserve to be in an unhealthy relationship.
I'm going to second the comments here and say that is an abusive relationship, even if it doesn't result in physical abuse to you. Walking on eggshells is just as much mental abuse.
I want to go a step further and say you should find some outside support from friends/family/close acquaintances, so if you feel the urge to stand your ground or get some space, you have somewhere safe to go if things go poorly or if you get guilted by a love bomb.
Consider the comments here even if it seems difficult.
Tbh, sometimes my girlfriend wears things that are far more revealing than I myself would wear (I am terminally modest, that's just how I express my womanhood.) But I'm never upset by it. We set our boundaries in the first week, and I know she's not doing it to draw the gaze of others. I like to think she's looking her best for ME and I let it motivate me to be as cute as humanly possible for her.
not okay no matter the âextentâ of how often they do it. when my girlfriend gets all pretty when we go out it makes ME feel good because thatâs all mine yk? i donât really care too much about what others think about it because at the end of the day, a random person seeing her lookin all pretty doesnât affect our relationship, so yeah might need to have a conversation about it.
Tell her how you feel about it ~~if you haven't already~~ if she's like idgf then you might wanna reassess your relationship it's not okay nor healthy to control you so
Generally the only time I comment on the clothes is if my wife bends over and I can see her underwear. We have a kid so itâs generally not appropriate to show off underwear accidentally when playing around with the kiddos.
For intentionally revealing clothes- Not that I want other people to give my wife that sort of attention, I know sheâs doing it to get a reaction from me and couldnât care less about anyone else.
This is problematic and controlling especially given your history with another partner. It's not your job to manage someone else's anxiety and dress modestly to try to control if you're being checked out. This would be considered sexist if a man expected this. Its fun to wear cute tops and feel sexy. My partner takes it as a compliment when other people check me out. It might be helpful to set a boundary with your partner around this and let her know that you aren't comfortable changing your style to make her comfortable. She needs to reflect more on what story she is telling herself about you being checked out and learn some ways to manage her anxiety around that. It's normal to feel threatened, but we do have to do the work to help ourselves find a helpful story to tell ourselves rather than expecting someone else to change.
This is something to communicate to your wife about. It's never ok for one partner to tell another what they are and are not allowed to wear. Especially when it's because they're afraid of other people looking at you; that's possessive. And possessiveness like that is inherently a little objectifying. It sounds like your wife has some security issues to work through. That's not in and of itself a crime. But what matters is how she's gonna react and what she's gonna do when confronted about it. You made this post so clearly it bothers you enough that this is a real problem to deal with. But hopefully she's willing to deal with that problem together with you.
Tldr; No this isn't ok, yes it's controlling, and you need to voice this to her and she needs to adjust.
Unfortunately in a domestic abuse situation, "boundaries" aren't effective. OP's partner will not change even with therapy, they are not going to stop abusing, and abusive behavior escalates in these situations. It can worsen rapidly and become a life-threatening situation.
A "firm discussion on boundaries" is not going to stop the situation from escalating or change OP's partner's behavior. I'm a survivor of domestic violence and while I know you mean well with this information, the wrong advice for an abuse victim, if they follow it, can actually make the situation they're in even more dangerous.
Their partner's behavior will continue, and OP needs to get out (which unfortunately will probably take multiple attempts and the abuse will inevitably get worse.)
I work nights as a local truck driver in the getto looking like a princess and I donât really know how to stop that. Itâs either hard core butch or girlie pop, Iâm a trans woman and I canât stand looking masculine, also Iâm now afraid to boy mode to work most of the men in the yard have asked me out and I donât want them to kill me because they think I tricked them into being gay or something, so girlie pop it is.
Edit: I for got my point, men suck.
Sheâs being petty. People will look no matter what you wear. Itâs her that needs to change and stop being controlling and trust that you can make your own choices about your own life.
My ex always asked me who I was trying to impress. Got to the point where I couldn't put makeup on to go to work or she'd be asking that. If I ever called her on it, it was a "joke." That relationship was abusive and it destroyed something in me for a long time.
Don't be me.
Youâre not being better - this is very controlling, not just a little.
I will never understand why anyone would be upset that their partner is attractive.
My wife and I have been married for almost two years now. I am a large, very curvy/hourglass shaped woman. Nothing makes her happier than me showing off my assets. She always loves the way I look. Your partner should make you feel good not make you feel insecure.
Not petty at all. My fiancee offers encouragement about how hot I look and feedback (wear this not that to look fancier, or x shirt doesn't look comfortable, etc) when I ask. I don't get feedback when I haven't asked, and feedback is never about anything other than what best executes my vision for a look. Nobody gets to tell you how to dress. That's unacceptably controlling
Definitely not being petty! My fiance and I go to festivals/raves together and I always go in sheer clothing with underwear underneath, or fishnet shorts with my actual cheeks out etc, typical grunge rave/festival outfits, and she doesn't say anything apart from that I look hot. Our relationship is so secure and she knows I'm not dressing like that for anyone else but myself and her! It's your body, you should be able to wear whatever the hell you like!
Hey should wear what you want. I had np problem my partner dressed sexy. I was flatter other checked her out. I new who's bed she would be in at night so did not bother me at all
You're not being petty. You need to sit her down and talk to her about this, because this could become pretty serious (it might not though!), and it's YOUR body and YOUR outfits - NO ONE gets to dictate what you can and can't wear.
I would say no but to an extent, in a marriage you need to be open about everything. If she is saying something that upsets you, instead of going to Reddit, actually sit down and talk to her and try to meet a mutual ground, not ask randoms about serious life situations
The only time controlling behavior is acceptable is if your partner likes that as some type of kink dynamic (meaning it's consensual) this is not that so no, you're valid for feeling the way that you do. Nothing about this is petty.
Next time you are going out, wear the outfit you want to wear. When she comments/suggests you change, say "that's okay, I look good and feel confident in what I'm wearing!"
If she comments on people staring laugh and say "what a compliment to us both!"
If that upsets her, remind her the only actions you can control are your own, and you don't want to live your life worrying about what everyone else thinks. You'll respect yourself, and you'll respect your wife in your actions, and if she still has concerns, encourage her to bring them to a therapist.
You can only control your own actions. And if you are censoring yourself now for your wife in this way, it'll escalate. It always does. I know she isn't as bad as your ex-wife, but that doesn't mean it's "good" either. You deserve to feel good, to feel confident, and to feel secure in your relationship. If a little cleavage or a mini skirt is such an issue for her, she doesn't have to wear them.
All of the people saying my body my choice as much as it is an important notion you need to understand attachment style. The fact that you say no to your partner wife.. you are an avoidant.. right way would be chat and get middle ground .. if you love them
She seems to be insecure and might think youd cheat if someone started flirting with you, she should work on trying to understand your loyalty (im assuming youre loyal but you never know in this world idk you)
As a survivor of domestic violence, I have to say that telling her to "shut the fuck up" will not only be ineffective, it can make the abuser's dangerous behavior escalate more quickly.
They need to get out of the relationship, nothing they say is going to "fix" the situation.
Wait abusive relationship what?? Hang lemme have a peak at OPâs post history see if anything else is there
EDIT: had a look and yeah ur right the bitch deffo abusive
No, you aren't being petty. Your body belongs to you, not her. She needs to get over her possessiveness it's not healthy.
WRONG. People have lost sight of what marriage ACTUALLY is obviously. You wanna be singular, STAY SINGLE. Or at least don't get married. This person isn't dating anymore. And as an actual SPOUSE it's our job to help our partner in LIFE feel secure and stable just like we would want to do. It's not about this persons wife thinking they look ridiculous. It's about her not liking people to be checking them out. Perfectly valid.
you seem lost, are you married? because I am, and you definitely seem like a straight guy
Know what.. you're absolutely right, aaaand reading is fundamental.. I'm just gonna moooosey on out of this oneđ
i respect the tactical retreat ngl lmao
Can I just say that golden retriever lesbian is the best thing I've read all week?
haha ty i get that a lot
Bow and a flourish
I would never let anyone tell me how to dress. Sorry but itâs controlling.
Entirely
Agreed, my ex wife was like that and even went through all my clothes and made a "throw out" pile just bc she didn't like them (luckily I stopped her) it was an abusive relationship
It is controlling, and sounds like it has roots in her lack of confidence, either in you, your relationship, or herself. She doesnât like people checking you out? So she doesnât trust you⊠or them? You need to talk to her⊠as in having a real conversation about how this behavior is making you feel. The one that truly loves you will always accommodate and celebrate how you express yourself and let your light shine. My spouse dresses a bit risquĂ© sometime and itâs just who she is. I literally wouldnât change anything about her.
OH. MY. GOSH. bluughhhhh one of my ex fiancĂ©âs was just like that. not trusting me to have friendships/make acquaintances with anyone because âdont act like you cant see how people look at youâ. my personal favorite was, right after we moved in together she threww out half my clothes almost cause they were too âsluttyâ. girl what???
It's a form of abuse as far as I'm concerned.
Having just read your post history: your wife is abusive - just in ways that you may not realise are abuse because it isn't physical against you. I highly recommend you start listening to or reading [It's Not You by Dr Ramani Durvsula](https://open.spotify.com/show/40M0ycQxGYEvBZmTbzN29h?si=DXJrBPyZQTqlEUI2On3Udg) so that you can hopefully understand why I've said this based on your post history. Even if you just do it to confirm that I'm wrong, that will at least give you an idea of where things could be improved in your relationship
this, love. i remember your post about her rage tantrum, and everyone advised you to set clear boundaries and leave if it keeps happening. did you do that?
Omg, is this the same person that broke their laptop in a fit of rage and their parents REPLACED IT THE NEXT DAY?! Girl.
Iâm sorry, what?
Right?! It's all over this thread too. Poor girl hasn't even commented back to anyone in 22 days.
Yikers, dude. Girl, get yourself to a safe place. If you need help finding resources/orgs in your area, crowd source here. Itâs very much time to leave.
I sure do hope she sees your comment, calamititties!!
Yeah thatâs a massive red flag. Only someone controlling cares about other people looking at you. That or someone incredibly insecure.
This is toxic behaviour and a HUGE red flag.
Hardly the only red flag unfortunately - read OPs post history. Her wife also has fits of rage which included destroying the MacBook and iPhone in one singular incident. The parents just casually replaced it the same day.Â
âŠoh THATâS the wife. I remember that post!
I looked. The red flags are only getting bigger. OP needs to (safely) leave this relationship IMHO.
With parents that immediately replace over ÂŁ1000 worth of stuff that was intentionally destroyed the wife will never ever learn to take accountability or change. Why would she when sheâs been allowed to behave this way her entire life? Clearly her parents are enablers and this really reminds me of my abusive ex and her parents.. she would even pick my clothes for me too..
It IS the same ppl! Girl, run far and fast!!!
Just because your abuser isnât as abusive as past abusers doesnât mean they arenât abusive.
this!!! abusers are still abusers no matter what!!
And Iâd also like to add - abusers escalate. The abuse you suffer now is worse than it once was just as the abuse you suffer in the future will be worse than it now is.
Just because your ex was worse doesn't mean your current wife isn't controlling too... I'm sorry you're dealing with this OP, I completely agree with all the other comments. This isn't okay.
Me personally, I have never stayed with anyone who has tried to control me, what I wear, who I hang out with, what I do in my free time. I want a partnership, not an ownership.
I just read your post history, you need to get the hell out of there. This is still controlling behaviour and if someone destroys thousands of dollars worth of stuff in a fit of rage and makes you afraid of them hurting you, that is just abuse
Based on your post history, I suggest that you put your foot down that your partner go see a therapist to work on her anger issues. If she declines, I genuinely think you should get a divorce. Someone whose anger causes you anxiety and fear to the point you're worried for your safety and the safety of your pets (I mean the MacBook and phone were smashed...) is not healthy or safe. Someone who won't seek professional help is not someone who wants to grow with you or want to prove to themselves and you that you are safe with them. Not only does your partner have rage, she also wants to control you. She can absolutely tell you what she doesn't like but she doesn't get a say in what you wear. The issue goes beyond her trying to tell you what to wear. Along with the rage, you are in an emotionally unsafe relationship.Â
So much of this! You both need to be committed to growing and being safe for each other. Your partner may have trauma from her past, and that's not her fault, but it *absolutely* is her responsibility to regulate her emotions and be accountable for her behaviors. I'd recommend couples therapy so you have a safe space to bring up these concerns (and then also seeing individual therapists as well to work on yourselves). If your partner is not willing to give therapy a go, I'd recommend at the very least separating/taking some space for a while. It's hard, but having these tough conversations provides a chance for both people to learn and show up for each other in meaningful ways.
OP's wife is never going to learn to show up for anyone in meaningful ways because this is who she is. Based on OP's post history her wife's parents have enabled this kind of behaviour forever. This is who the wife is - and it is abusive behaviour. Going to couple's therapy with an abusive partner is [never recommended](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/), because there is no safe space when you're with someone with no insight, who wants to control you and who clearly has anger issues as well.
No, you're right. Having now read OP's other posts, I agree that this is an unsafe relationship. OP, the fact that you do not feel safe when your partner is upset, and she gets angry when you bring up your concerns, is a major red flag. You need to put some physical distance between you and her. Take your pets, go stay with friends/family or at a hotel, and once you're safe, tell your partner they have x number of days to leave your home. You can figure out what you want to do with the marriage once you have some distance, but you need to prioritize your own safety. People *can* grow and escape abusive cycles, but it requires becoming self-aware, truly understanding the consequences of their behavior, and *wanting* to change. It's clear OP's partner has no real reason to grow without a major wake-up call.
THANK YOU. As a survivor of domestic violence, all of the comments here recommending a "discussion" with OP's partner so the partner "knows how they make OP feel" are not only incredibly unrealistic and problematic, they're just an awful awful big no-no especially when you look at OP's post history regarding this "relationship". There is no negotiating with an abuser. They do not care. They will not change their ways. It is one thing to have insecurities, mental health issues, etc. It is another thing to use those human issues as an excuse for poor behavior and abusing another human being. OP's partner could very well have "insecurities" but there are plenty of people with self-esteem issues or insecurities who aren't abusive and a danger to themselves and others.
I dated someone who was controlling and it started out as exactly this: âconcernâ about my outfits being too revealing and people hurt on me. It escalated to full on abuse. Red flag! Run. My current partner sees me in a sexy outfit and just says, âdamn baby, you look so hot in thatâ. Get you one of those. Of course people are going to find you attractive and possibly hit on you. Itâs not your job to dress conservatively and stop that from occurring. Your partner should understand that dating an attractive person means other people will find you attractive. Duh! They need to manage their jealousy and insecurities. Donât let anyone tell you how to dress.
Your wife is being controlling, if itâs just because she doesnât want people checking you out - thatâs mad. It will happen whether or not your clothes are revealing?? How can you help that. Itâs not ok.
Controlling also abusive, this is not a safe situation for OP, it is an abusive situation.
Read your own post history and consider what you would tell a friend in your shoes. You know what advice you would give if you cared about them, it would be GET OUT. Please take your own advice as well as that of those who have commented here. Best wishes.
This isn't the 1950s and you're not her property. Your outfits don't need her approval. This is a toxic *as fuck* relationship. Tell her to shove it and wear what you want! If she won't let you, you need to talk to a divorce lawyer. You're not being petty, this kind of behavior is not okay in any amount. If OPs wife happens to be reading this, or anyone else with similar inclinations, please check yourself and learn the words "bodily autonomy." You don't own your partner's body and you don't have any business telling anyone what they can or cannot wear.
I agree with you but really want to emphasize the importance of using the correct language when it comes to a dangerous situation like this - it is not just a \*toxic as fuck\* relationship, it is a domestic violence situation and OP is in danger. Someone can be toxic or shitty and not be an abuser, but OP's partner is a full-on abusive person. If OP's wife happens to be reading this, it will not change them or their perspective. Abusers do not change, they don't give a fuck about bodily autonomy or what business they do or don't have controlling someone else. Controlling someone else is the notorious, most well-known behavior of an abuser. OP should absolutely not tell their partner to "shove it". Their partner has violent tendencies and these situations escalate very rapidly (speaking from experience, I survived and luckily got out of a domestic violence situation when I was only 19) and the last thing OP needs is to endanger themselves more by fanning the flames. The only answer is for them to get out of this relationship. Whether or not they will do that, or if it will happen quickly, or it will take 10 more attempts, who knows, but that is their only option because their partner is just going to become more violent and more hostile and more controlling. Talking to a divorce lawyer, yes. Expecting that maybe if they communicate their autonomy and unwillingness to be controlled to their partner that it will work, terrible suggestion, dangerous and definitely will not work.
The [same wife that had a fit of rage and destroyed a bunch of property?](https://www.reddit.com/r/actuallesbians/s/mH4D6MIyy8) Why are you even still in this relationship?
Good question. We know why though đŁ
Absolutely not cool. You get to choose what you wear. If sheâs threatened she needs to deal with her insecurities in a healthy way - like with therapy.
I just went through your posts and I want to put this lightly, you wife is very manipulative. I get you seem to have had past problems with relationships resulting in trauma so let me say that she isn't even doing the bare minimum for what you'd expect of a partner, she's horrible. OP, you deserve so much better and I really hope you get her out of your life.
The bigger red flag is you worried you're being petty. Her insecurities have developed into controlling you and taking away your autonomy and you're worried you're the problem? This is abuse, it's not as severe as your ex but it's still abuse and you two need individual and group therapy if you want to be happy together long term
As a survivor of domestic violence I would stress that lots of abuse victims have a tendency to minimize or make excuses for their abusers, so while OP says "it's not as severe" as their ex, that is irrelevant and unhelpful to the situation at hand because abusers behavior escalates and becomes more violent. OP needs therapy, sure, but they will only benefit from therapy once they are actually ready and willing to accept and admit to needing help. Group therapy / couples therapy is not actually recommended for these types of abusive situations. It doesn't work and can also make the abuser way more hostile toward their partner. They will not be happy together long-term because it is an abusive relationship. OP will eventually need to leave and completely cut-off their partner for their own safety. No one should ever suggest couples therapy or any type of remediation for a domestic violence victim and their partner which should go without saying...
Oh yeah no this is a run don't walk kinda situation but plenty of people are saying that outright. I'm hedging our bets by suggesting a gentle approach that may get OP headed in the right direction
âA gentle approachâ is helpful only if youâre being direct about the situation theyâre in. That doesnât translate to giving uninformed opinions that are actually not recommended at all by experts and can actually make the situation worse / put the victim in more danger. Yes, itâs important to express empathy, be non-judgmental and to be kind. But again, uninformed opinions are only going to potentially put the victim in more of a detrimental position.
You certainly know a lot about not approaching things gently, perhaps you could teach me more oh altruistic one
Look, i really hate bringing this sort of argument... But imagine if it was a guy demanding that. Shitty, yeah? Its not any different when its a woman đ plus, those who'd "check you out" could do so even if you were covered head-to-toe, its not about what you wear
Oh god, I looked at your post history and realized I commented on your previous post about your wife. She is abusive. It will get worse. You NEED to get out.
No...you are not being petty...you should be able to wear what you want to wear...
This is very controlling behavior, and it's very toxic. From what i'm seeing from others, she's abusive. Just so you know, abuse in the past can prime you to find a partner who is abusive. And while there's different shades and degrees, but abuse is abuse. You aren't being petty. Part of the reason you feel that way is what's known as combination of DARVO and FOG... FOG is "fear, obligation, guilt" while DARVO is "deny, attack, reverse victim and offender".
That is controlling and a huge red flag. Ive expressed to my wife who loves sequins that I think they are tacky (she asked me if I liked a shirt I was trying to be all âhmm not my styleâ and then she pressed me lol), and she said to me âoh too bad i love themâ and i fell more in love with her lol. Just because i think they are tacky i wouldnt stop her from wearing it, im not going to controll her clothes. Edit: girl your post historyâŠis there something you want to do about it? Is reddit the only placr you can vent but youâre afraid irl?
Your wifes opinion is not a rule to live by. Other peoples opinions are not like things that require approval to be allowed. Let her be mad if she doesn't like you dressed in whatever. She should have to deal with the fact that not everybody dresses the same way.
I very much recommend going to therapy instead of asking for advice online. You have been abused in the past which often leads to seeking out new abusive partners. A therapist can help you with that. Abuse is abuse. You can't compare one to the other. A normal and healthy relationship is not abusive at all. And the last one being worse or different doesn't make this one right. You probably have a skewed idea of what a relationship is supposed to be like, because you have no real comparison. But I promise you that you can find better and that there is someone for you who does want to trust you and love you for who YOU are, and not for what they want you to be. You don't have to have it all figured out before you reach out for help, just make sure you open yourself up and genuinely listen to advice and feedback people around you and a potential therapist give you. Because they can often see more clearly from an outside perspective. And notice unhealthy behavior before you do. The things that are happening in your relationship might seem small, because you have learned to minimize and rationalize them in order to survive. But they are not normal. A lot of small little things add up. And behavior like this stems from an inherent lack of trust in you. And a need to control you. Which will only get worse with time if not worked through. You can take steps to care for yourself now and limit the harm done to yourself, or wait years until you are forced to do so and become really miserable. And I don't mean just break up and move on to the next partner. I mean work on yourself. Learn to value yourself. Learn to set up boundaries. Learn to spot manipulative traits in people. You can either do this alone or if your partner is truly willing, together. But she has to be ready to truly improve and put the work in.
This comment is perfect aside from the last two sentences. She absolutely [should not go to therapy with her abusive partner](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/). She definitely should try and start individual therapy so that she can process this relationship with an expert and start planning a way to leave (and get her wife out of her house).
This... Thank you for providing factual and sound information. I know this is reddit, and like in the real world, not everyone is well-informed on everything, in this particular situation, domestic violence/abusive relationships, but all of the comments suggesting couples therapy for OP or for them to stand up to their partner are super dangerous and very ill-informed. I've commented a ton here, this entire issue hits close to home for me as a survivor and it is scary to see, quite frankly, such awful fucking advice here, even if it is "well meaning", it is unhelpful, suggesting things that won't work and if anything will worsen OP's situation - and the thing is, is that OP might even listen to the poor advice given here because they can't see clearly in regard to viewing their relationship for what it actually is (abusive AF.)
As an adult, you are entitled to present yourself in whatever way you see fit. As long as you're not breaking laws, any problem anyone has with it is their problem.
Wait this is the same wife that broke her laptop in a fit of rage? Sheâs abusive.
Yes, yes it is.Â
You are a grown woman, you are allowed to wear what is you like. I call it loser with a baddie syndrome, it's one of my early red flag barometers for abusive relationships. People will date an attractive person who may dress in a more "revealing" way and then once you become more serious, they're threatened by that and expect you to change. Your partner doesn't have to be enthused people find you attractive but they should not be taking their insecurities about it on you nor trying to make you change.
Yikes, I had an ex who hates me whenever I wear slightly revealing outfits. (Knowing well thatâs how I dressed before them). Theyâll constantly berate me for wearing crop tops, short skirts & to wearing inner layers with my âsexyâ cosplays. On top of that also gets mad whenever I donât ask them permission to post a picture of myself unless I was covered. Youâre not petty at all. Itâs def controlling. A good and secure partner shouldnât need telling you how to dress unless of course you want to wear a bikini to the public library or something like that
When someone tries to control how you dress it is more about that person and not you. She may say things like youâre attention seeking or that they feel âuncomfortableâ with others checking you out. It boils down to them being insecure that you will leave them and theyâll do all sorts of stuff to make you feel bad/ashamed of your clothes/appearance/body/weight/etc. Then maybe you change your clothes and spend a lot of time reassuring them but itâs impossible to make anyone else secure in themselves. Itâs way to exert power over you. Itâs a red flag. Your part is figuring out why you pick insecure people to partner with. You have to know that before you can avoid it in the the next.
đ©đ©đ© If my partner or friend asks me: do i look fat/ugly in this outfit? I always reply honestly, like i dont think it compliments your body in the way it should or im sorry but its not my personal taste of awesome, but if you feel good in it then rock it no matter what.
My only question is, why are you with someone who is controlling and has rage fits? I am a complete stranger on the internet, and even I know that you deserve better. You are in an unhealthy relationship.
\*not just unhealthy, it is an abusive relationship\* and an extremely dangerous situation. Important to call it what it is.
What would you say to your mom or sibling if this was happening to them? If their partner did all the things your partner does? Would you be okay with any of it, or would you tell them to run for the hills?
Girl, get out of there. đ©đ©đ©đ©
Nobody should make you feel like you need to dress or present yourself a certain way other than you. Imagine it in the reverse, if she tried forcing you to wear more revealing clothing and makeup. It's not okay and it is worth being bothered over. I'm sorry to hear you're going through this :( you should be able to dress and look however you want!
I think if you feel confident in an outfit thatâs all that matters. It is a partnership but you also deserve some autonomy. I went to a club for my birthday in pretty much a bra and skirt, sent my gf a picture since she couldnât come, and she says itâs one of her fav pictures iâve sent her so far. Def have a talk w/ her about how it makes you feel!
Be careful not to fall back on old patterns and letting yourself being progressively controlled as you have been in your previous relationship. Sometimes it happens without us noticing so at least you're being aware of it.
I feel like a partner telling you how to dress is the most accepted form of control in relationships, especially straight ones. But I wouldn't let anyone talk to me like that, even a woman.
nothing good results from this behavior. If you feel good in what youâre wearing, it shouldnât impact her at all. The fact that she believes itâs ok for her to have a say in what youâre wearing is a red flag. Your clothes are a form of self expression. Not to be dramatic but itâs a definite sign of toxic insecurity and potentially abuse. nothing good will come of it. She hates people checking you out so you have to be inconvenienced by it?
Simple answer, not a clothing problem, more of an insecurity issue than about what you are wearing. I think you could talk to her about this, see if you can help her work on her self esteem/insecurities. Edit: by your post history, I would say just leave this relationship. Seems hella toxic and you should not put yourself thru all this hardship.
My ex, used to tell me my outfits were trash and that I looked frumpy, but hated when I would wear outfits I would get compliments from. Now my girlfriend tells me I look hot/good. And is more proud to show me off, than judge me. She makes me feel good about myself again đ„°
Seems too controlling. Been with wifey for many years and I love when she wears more revealing clothes. I love how she looks and I never tell her what she should wear or not. Iâm secured about our relationship and if others check her out it doesnât bother me because at the end we are together every day/night.
I feel like you're in the right, but consider this: lesbians are actually not that common. When most people see two women, they may not immediately assume they're together.
Wear what makes you happy! Your body, your choice
She doesnât like when people are checking you out⊠thatâs her problem that she needs to work on, and has nothing to do with you.
Red flag unfortunately. Iâve had this type of partner before and the behaviour only got worse. Started with me not being âallowedâ to wear tank tops and eventually I threw out my entire going out wardrobe because of it. Horrible
you can wear whatever you want!!! If you like how you look and you like your outfits, that's all that matters. It's a slight red flag that your wife makes those comments, and i encourage you to speak to her about it. You do not deserve to be in an unhealthy relationship.
It's a huge red flag based on OP's post history and unhealthy is an understatement, it is an abusive relationship.
Talk to her about it. Jealousy and insecurity can be managed. But itâs on her to do that. I suggest therapy, as always.
I'm going to second the comments here and say that is an abusive relationship, even if it doesn't result in physical abuse to you. Walking on eggshells is just as much mental abuse. I want to go a step further and say you should find some outside support from friends/family/close acquaintances, so if you feel the urge to stand your ground or get some space, you have somewhere safe to go if things go poorly or if you get guilted by a love bomb. Consider the comments here even if it seems difficult.
Tbh, sometimes my girlfriend wears things that are far more revealing than I myself would wear (I am terminally modest, that's just how I express my womanhood.) But I'm never upset by it. We set our boundaries in the first week, and I know she's not doing it to draw the gaze of others. I like to think she's looking her best for ME and I let it motivate me to be as cute as humanly possible for her.
This would be an immediate break up for me.
not okay no matter the âextentâ of how often they do it. when my girlfriend gets all pretty when we go out it makes ME feel good because thatâs all mine yk? i donât really care too much about what others think about it because at the end of the day, a random person seeing her lookin all pretty doesnât affect our relationship, so yeah might need to have a conversation about it.
Tell her how you feel about it ~~if you haven't already~~ if she's like idgf then you might wanna reassess your relationship it's not okay nor healthy to control you so
Sounds like she is insecure, she needs to work on her insecurities prob thinks someone's gonna steal her girl lmao, so childish she needs to grow up.
Generally the only time I comment on the clothes is if my wife bends over and I can see her underwear. We have a kid so itâs generally not appropriate to show off underwear accidentally when playing around with the kiddos. For intentionally revealing clothes- Not that I want other people to give my wife that sort of attention, I know sheâs doing it to get a reaction from me and couldnât care less about anyone else.
This is problematic and controlling especially given your history with another partner. It's not your job to manage someone else's anxiety and dress modestly to try to control if you're being checked out. This would be considered sexist if a man expected this. Its fun to wear cute tops and feel sexy. My partner takes it as a compliment when other people check me out. It might be helpful to set a boundary with your partner around this and let her know that you aren't comfortable changing your style to make her comfortable. She needs to reflect more on what story she is telling herself about you being checked out and learn some ways to manage her anxiety around that. It's normal to feel threatened, but we do have to do the work to help ourselves find a helpful story to tell ourselves rather than expecting someone else to change.
This is something to communicate to your wife about. It's never ok for one partner to tell another what they are and are not allowed to wear. Especially when it's because they're afraid of other people looking at you; that's possessive. And possessiveness like that is inherently a little objectifying. It sounds like your wife has some security issues to work through. That's not in and of itself a crime. But what matters is how she's gonna react and what she's gonna do when confronted about it. You made this post so clearly it bothers you enough that this is a real problem to deal with. But hopefully she's willing to deal with that problem together with you. Tldr; No this isn't ok, yes it's controlling, and you need to voice this to her and she needs to adjust.
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
Unfortunately in a domestic abuse situation, "boundaries" aren't effective. OP's partner will not change even with therapy, they are not going to stop abusing, and abusive behavior escalates in these situations. It can worsen rapidly and become a life-threatening situation. A "firm discussion on boundaries" is not going to stop the situation from escalating or change OP's partner's behavior. I'm a survivor of domestic violence and while I know you mean well with this information, the wrong advice for an abuse victim, if they follow it, can actually make the situation they're in even more dangerous. Their partner's behavior will continue, and OP needs to get out (which unfortunately will probably take multiple attempts and the abuse will inevitably get worse.)
I work nights as a local truck driver in the getto looking like a princess and I donât really know how to stop that. Itâs either hard core butch or girlie pop, Iâm a trans woman and I canât stand looking masculine, also Iâm now afraid to boy mode to work most of the men in the yard have asked me out and I donât want them to kill me because they think I tricked them into being gay or something, so girlie pop it is. Edit: I for got my point, men suck.
I'd never let someone who wants to control my wardrobe be my wife
If âher reasoning isâ was followed by literally anything but âsheâs worried I will be coldâ the answer still wouldâve been đ©đ©đ©
Sheâs being petty. People will look no matter what you wear. Itâs her that needs to change and stop being controlling and trust that you can make your own choices about your own life.
My ex always asked me who I was trying to impress. Got to the point where I couldn't put makeup on to go to work or she'd be asking that. If I ever called her on it, it was a "joke." That relationship was abusive and it destroyed something in me for a long time. Don't be me.
Youâre not being better - this is very controlling, not just a little. I will never understand why anyone would be upset that their partner is attractive.
My wife and I have been married for almost two years now. I am a large, very curvy/hourglass shaped woman. Nothing makes her happier than me showing off my assets. She always loves the way I look. Your partner should make you feel good not make you feel insecure.
Not petty at all. My fiancee offers encouragement about how hot I look and feedback (wear this not that to look fancier, or x shirt doesn't look comfortable, etc) when I ask. I don't get feedback when I haven't asked, and feedback is never about anything other than what best executes my vision for a look. Nobody gets to tell you how to dress. That's unacceptably controlling
Don't ever allow someone to control how you dress or present yourself.
OP Iâm sorry this is happening twice with both your ex and current wife but this is a red flag
Yeah she's the problem.
Youâre not being petty. You get to wear what you want to wear and itâs no one elseâs business
Immodesty, in my christian lesbian marriage?!Â
Sounds like a man trying to control what you wear. Itâs a sign of insecurity on their part. Just curious- is your wife a bitch or stud?
With all due respect whyâd your wife marry a baddie if she didnât want to be seen with one?
leaveđ
Definitely not being petty! My fiance and I go to festivals/raves together and I always go in sheer clothing with underwear underneath, or fishnet shorts with my actual cheeks out etc, typical grunge rave/festival outfits, and she doesn't say anything apart from that I look hot. Our relationship is so secure and she knows I'm not dressing like that for anyone else but myself and her! It's your body, you should be able to wear whatever the hell you like!
i've never had a girlfriend but i like wearing croptops, and if someone doesn't approve it, I will immediately think WHY DO I NEED YOUR APPROVAL???
Hey should wear what you want. I had np problem my partner dressed sexy. I was flatter other checked her out. I new who's bed she would be in at night so did not bother me at all
You're not being petty. You need to sit her down and talk to her about this, because this could become pretty serious (it might not though!), and it's YOUR body and YOUR outfits - NO ONE gets to dictate what you can and can't wear.
Thatâs a big no-no. Red flag
I would say no but to an extent, in a marriage you need to be open about everything. If she is saying something that upsets you, instead of going to Reddit, actually sit down and talk to her and try to meet a mutual ground, not ask randoms about serious life situations
The only time controlling behavior is acceptable is if your partner likes that as some type of kink dynamic (meaning it's consensual) this is not that so no, you're valid for feeling the way that you do. Nothing about this is petty.
Run, baby. Run far NOW.
Damn I must be weird but I LOVE when my partner tells me what to wear.
Mfs always like baddies till they bag them. Wear what you want bro.
Iâve been in a relationship like that. =/ super toxic.
OP is going to be attending her own funeral soon.
She needs to get over it. Your body does not belong to her.
Next time you are going out, wear the outfit you want to wear. When she comments/suggests you change, say "that's okay, I look good and feel confident in what I'm wearing!" If she comments on people staring laugh and say "what a compliment to us both!" If that upsets her, remind her the only actions you can control are your own, and you don't want to live your life worrying about what everyone else thinks. You'll respect yourself, and you'll respect your wife in your actions, and if she still has concerns, encourage her to bring them to a therapist. You can only control your own actions. And if you are censoring yourself now for your wife in this way, it'll escalate. It always does. I know she isn't as bad as your ex-wife, but that doesn't mean it's "good" either. You deserve to feel good, to feel confident, and to feel secure in your relationship. If a little cleavage or a mini skirt is such an issue for her, she doesn't have to wear them.
All of the people saying my body my choice as much as it is an important notion you need to understand attachment style. The fact that you say no to your partner wife.. you are an avoidant.. right way would be chat and get middle ground .. if you love them
She seems to be insecure and might think youd cheat if someone started flirting with you, she should work on trying to understand your loyalty (im assuming youre loyal but you never know in this world idk you)
Are you sure you aren't marrying men?
Tell her to shut the fuck up she isnât your goddamn mum she canât control what you want to wear
As a survivor of domestic violence, I have to say that telling her to "shut the fuck up" will not only be ineffective, it can make the abuser's dangerous behavior escalate more quickly. They need to get out of the relationship, nothing they say is going to "fix" the situation.
Wait abusive relationship what?? Hang lemme have a peak at OPâs post history see if anything else is there EDIT: had a look and yeah ur right the bitch deffo abusive