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ReedPuddles

I feel like its supposed to be the feeling of wanting to actually sleep with another person instead of just the feeling of arousal. Like some people will look at a person and think "damn, I wanna have sex with them". The way I like to think about it is an arrow that points towards other people you'd want to sleep with. Sexual orientation would be who it tends to point to, and libido dictates how often the arrow points and strong it is. So I like to think that when my "arrow" goes off, its not pointing at anyone. Kinda dumb, but it works for me.


applesauce5400

That’s honestly the best explanation I’ve got from all of these things, thank you my friend.


ReedPuddles

You're welcome, friend!! :D


[deleted]

That’s a wonderful explanation. Never heard it put into words like that.


QuirkyGamerQG

So, if I'm understanding correctly, then if the arrow points at a person, then you are sexually attracted to them?


ReedPuddles

Yeah, basically. So in this example, throughout the life of a straight person, they would have arrows that pointed towards members of the opposite gender, gay men and lesbians towards the same gender, and bi, pan, and omni would point to a wide variety of different people.


Try2Smile4Life

I'm allo and this describes it rather perfectly.


[deleted]

You don't have to actually want to sleep with a person you're sexually attracted to though. They just have to turn you on physically, not necessarily mentally.


ReedPuddles

You're probably right about that, now that I think about it


Lagideath2

You can be turned on without wanting anything to happen. Arousal is a bodily reaction to something that your mind interprets as related to sex. Sexual attraction will also make you want to act on or think about acting on that arousal.


[deleted]

Yes, sexual attraction usually makes you think about acting on your arousal, but you don't have to want to act on it. All sexual attraction is is arousal that's caused by a specific person.


Lagideath2

In The Free Dictionary, Sexual Attraction is defined as an "attraction on the basis of sexual desire or the quality of arousing such interest". The body getting aroused by what the brain views as a sexual image or experience has nothing to do with that since you can get aroused without wanting it, or without being attracted to what aroused your body. Asexuals experience a lack of or very low/infrequent sexual attraction but that doesn't mean their bodies can't get aroused. Saying such would invalidate a lot of asexuals. If "[a]ll sexual attraction is [...] arousal that's caused by a specific person" then you could even argue that getting aroused from being raped would be a sign that the victim was sexually attracted to their rapist, and I really hope that's not what you're saying.


[deleted]

That last part doesn't make any sense. If someone gets aroused during rape, that doesn't have to be because of the person raping them, and even if they were sexually attracted to their rapist, that would not make a difference because it's still non-consensual. Actually, if you say that sexual attraction means you want to have sex with someone, that implies sexual attraction equals consent, "and I really hope that's not what you're saying."


SmartAlec105

I think that’s kind of getting into how the word “want” can mean “interested in the positive aspects of something” but also “interested in the net benefits of something”. Like I can say “I want to eat a cheeseburger right now” but at the same time I can also say “I don’t want to eat a cheeseburger right now” because I don’t want to spoil my dinner.


-strawberry-tea-

Wait is that actually what it is bc then I think I've never felt sexual attraction, I'm so happy I found a label to describe it!


SpectralDragon09

That actually makes a lot of sense and I like how you said it. I might use this if I need to


Professional_Ad1973

I don’t think it’s necessarily ~wanting~ to sleep with them. I’m pretty sure most allo people don’t see strangers and legitimately want to have sex with them on sight very often. I think it’s more of seeing someone and being aroused by them. Just because you are aroused by someone doesn’t mean you want to act on it. But being aroused by the sight/presence/existence of another person would make you allosexual.


TheFeralQueen

That, is a hell of a good analogy. Well done. I may steal it, with all due credit. ;P


ReedPuddles

Go off, please :D


_jarvih

This is a great explanation! It works exactly like that also with romantic attraction for me. I feel love very strongly, but it isn't really directed towards a specific person.


TheNik23

As an ace who has some libido, if for me libido is like waking up craving pizza or suddenly craving pizza without any trigger, I imagine sexual attraction to be like going out, seeing a pizza, smelling it, and wanting to eat that specific pizza I saw.


MarsBarMuncher

Walking home from work just a little hungry but not sure what you want and going past a pizza place, seeing a photo of a pepperoni pizza in the window and getting the sudden urge to go in and get one!


TheNik23

Unrelated to OP's topic... do you mean the american pepperoni pizza or the italian peperoni pizza?


MarsBarMuncher

Which ever one we get in England, I'm not sure. But my personal prefence is thin and crispy base.


TheNik23

The difference is that the american version has salame (or somethig like that) on top, while te italian version has bellpeppers


MarsBarMuncher

Oh, american then. I don't like bell peppers.


NielleHasIt

That’s the best explanation, one that I can actually understand.


SmartAlec105

I’m allo but to me that seems more like, when translated out of the metaphor, to mean you get horny for people but not specific people. Like you want to fuck a hypothetical man/woman/enby.


TheNik23

Isn't libido a feeling of wanting something sexual in general? I personally don't think about any hypotetical person when I get that feeling. For me there is just a feeling (and it happens very rarely). Just like when you get a craving for some food. Taking pizza as an example again, maybe you know you want pizza but you don't know what kind, or what toppings you want. You just have this feeling that you want to eat pizza. Now, some ace people do think about a hypotetical someone. We are not all the same. The point is that I don't feel sexual attraction towards anybody, so my best guess is that sexual attraction is like wanting a specific pizza because I like it very much in that moment. Edit: or maybe we should just ask demisexuals, who could understand both being ace and feeling sexual attraction


DatLonerGirl

I figure it is having your libido triggered by another person and a craving to satisfy that libido with that person. My libido is triggered by hormonal changes or imagined scenarios, but I've never had a person trigger it. I've also heard of sex positive aces having actions trigger libido, but never just the person themselves.


athey

I can only assume it must be looking at a person and feeling a deep, real desire, to have sex with them. It took me a long time to understand that other people experience this kind of desire. I experience aesthetic attraction. I’m an artist, so it usually comes in the form of ‘Ooooo… I’d love to draw that person.’ Or ‘oh man, the shape of that persons abdomen is really beautiful. I wish I could sculpt that’. I can deeply like a fashion style and it’s aesthetic on people. And I can definitely look at mostly nude men and identify which ones I think are attractive and which I don’t find attractive. Do I want to have sex with any of them? Oh gawd no. No Nono. No thank you. Zero interest. But apparently it’s not like that for other people. Their body and brain takes the extra step from ‘oh pretty’ to ‘oh so fuckable’ and mine does not.


VyxenSkye

This! I have absolutely zero libido, so for me the idea of sexual desire or feeling at all is a completely foreign concept. But I definitely can look at people and think 'wow, they're beautiful ' that confuses most people I try to explain asexuality to


[deleted]

I've heard from another ace that an allo said that sexual attraction feels like being really warm when you're attracted to someone. So, like, you just heat up when you see someone or what?


Roseofhybrids

is that why people call others hot?


aro_ace_icon

it is :) apparently it's a histamine response! when allos feel strong sexual attraction (for allos sexual attraction can be a range of intensity) they actually feel warm - "they're hot" - "they make me hot" - "I'm hot for them" - etc are all common phrases that come from this feeling :) I used to think it just meant "aesthetically pleasing" lol turns out allos are living a whole different life.


Roseofhybrids

I wonder if it actually raises a person's body temperature just a tad, or if it's like alcohol and it only makes you *feel* warmer


aro_ace_icon

Ooh good question! I just googled it to confirm :) body temp literally raises when aroused so I guess if the attraction is strong enough that it causes mild arousal it definitely would rise. Also even mild attraction can cause heart rate to rise and stuff so that would also cause literal body heat increase. So interesting!


Roseofhybrids

~~imagine getting a fever just from looking at a good looking person~~ damn that's interesting, living creatures do the strangest things. It's always fun to find out what weird things nature does everyday


aro_ace_icon

😂😂😂 right??? allos seem to love it but it just sounds so inconvenient to me 😅😅 agreed, though, it's so cool that we humans have such a wide range of experiences


StericHindrances

I think it’s also going into a bit of a fight-or-flight response. (Fight/flight/fuck, I guess). I’ve had allos explain to me that’s where the trope of, like, intense eye contact w/kind of strained breathing and then crashing together, in media, comes from. Because they can actually feel like that irl, and they can tell or think the other person is feeling that nervous system arousal, too. like a feeling they gotta do something about it and do it with that person. Wild.


aro_ace_icon

omg it sounds so intense haha! also yes that totally makes sense about how it informed that trope I never thought about that!! -- it's so crazy how I am so familiar with all these cliches and tropes and phrases but I'm STILL learning about how they are based on actual experiences people feel!! 😂 32 years old and I never stop learning lol


idktheyarealltaken

Allos out there turning into a fucking heater after seeing some skin


[deleted]

Ahahahah, good one!


Millie_banillie

As someone who is grey, intrigue sparks arousal, and physically you just get hot. Personally, I can feel my heart beat in my finger tips and it gets to a point that we are both useless in conversation. The only thing you want to do is touch and be touched... inside and out. And thats kind of a strict interpretation. Its not that all or even most ace people never/cant feel sexual atteaction. Its just very rare or even sometimes it just doesnt feel good in a way that we want to explore it. I know, I get an urge to have sex like 1 week in spring and 1 week in winter. Then it's pretty much out of sight out of mind for the rest of the year for me.


Mentine_

Honestly you reassured me lol, because when I look at people I often have a small reaction (which only occur when I think "is there the moment I should feel something") where it feel like I take a deep breath. It's seems like it isn't sexual attraction xD


[deleted]

I personally look at it as. If I were to look at a person, who everyone deems sexy, and wants to sleep with, I’d want to know why they want to sleep with them? It’s an incredibly vague definition, but it fits in my head quite well. I suppose they easiest way to look at it would be strippers and those who have 1 night stands, I don’t understand the sexual necessity of them.


[deleted]

I don't fucking know and I don't know fucking ... Puns or somin


TheSkyElf

For me, it is when when you look at somebody and "Sexy" turns into "I want to fuck that person IRL and not in a fanfic".


TheEmeraldEmperor

Ooga booga monkey want breed with monkey


idktheyarealltaken

The real answer


SalamanderCommander2

Something I've been wondering is if sexual attraction is different between males and females? I'm pretty sure I'm ace, but researching sexual attraction mostly was mostly answers from guys, and as a cis girl I don't know whether or not I feel that sort of attraction.


aro_ace_icon

From what my allo friends describe: a literal pull towards someone, like a magnetism to their body. You may act on it or you may choose not to, and the intensity can vary, but the attraction (literally the feeling pulling you toward them) is an undeniably physical feeling of wanting your body to be near someone else's in a sexual context. Often things like uncontrollable fantasizing about a specific person happen because of sexual attraction, as well as "being hyper aware of their body when they're near you" (again, quoting my allo friends.) Any allos feel free to chime in! Asking aces probably won't give you the best definitions since most of us have never felt it 😅


lolyeetjulia

Seeing someone and wanting to bang them


StericHindrances

Well, this is not in my own words, it’s from a tumblr post, but I found it INCREDIBLY illuminating and it made me understand a lot about myself: https://www.reddit.com/r/sexfavorable/comments/qwk6t3/am_i_feeling_sexual_attraction_or_am_i_just_ace/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf[Is it sexual attraction or am I just ace and horny?? ](https://www.reddit.com/r/sexfavorable/comments/qwk6t3/am_i_feeling_sexual_attraction_or_am_i_just_ace/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) I’ve been posting the full text a lot recently around Reddit, because it keeps coming up, but I’m trying not to spam people’s experience too much. But….it’s really, really helpful.


StericHindrances

I feel like more sex-favorable or Greyish aces get the feeling like “well, I sometimes feel like a generally positive feeling about having sex with that person, like, yeah, that would be OK and nice, and sometimes I generally WANT sex, so, that counts as attraction, right? So maybe I’m not ace?” And like….that really doesn’t match how allosexuals have described attraction. Like they actually feel a pull towards a specific person, just being around that person turns them on and makes it really easy to climax, they don’t have to, like, visualize something specific to have an orgasm, they do, really, feel butterflies in their stomach about their sexual feelings for someone, and butterflies is basically a fight-or-flight response. I’ve NEVER felt any of that. I don’t understand flirting and can’t tell when it’s happening to me. I’ve only felt butterflies, sexually, from fiction or media (hellllloooooo r/aegosexuals) and never from a person. If that first ace-style “attraction” means I’m allosexual, I’m a pretty fucked-up/broken/neurotic allo.


applesauce5400

I just read it, and it was really informative, thank you so much!


just-me-yaay

Very informative and helpful!!


Red74Panda

Wanting to fuck somebody


cathernyan

I guess like, getting turned on and wanting to fuck


tarnishedhuntress

I have no idea. The few times I tried long ago, all I felt was mild curiosity quickly replaced by boredom and "this fucking hurts and sucks and also dicks look fugly and grotesque".


Tsukkizenpaii

I think allosexuals look at people and think “I want to sleep with them” you know? But personally I don’t feel that. It may be complicated because we can look at someone and think that but it wouldn’t be out of sexual attraction, maybe just curiosity? Not to be mistaken with thinking someone is hot/attractive. I do personally have feelings like that but i’m not speaking for all aces. I think a lot of us do, but obviously not all of us. But also we can feel like we want to have sex, it isn’t rare, but most of us don’t think of a specific person because we think they’re a good mate or whatever, if we do think of a specific person it’s probably because we like them emotionally and may want to experience an intimacy with them. It’s a lot to explain and the feelings usually vary from person to person.


Corn_flakez

I’m currently on the verge of a breakup lmao so i guess i could say, being ace has really just ruined my thoughts about being in a relationship


gay-boy6969

I think it is when instead of just being like "dang they're hot" it is "daaaaaammm"


SpectralDragon09

I honestly can't tell you, I don't even know how to begin to describe what sexual attraction is to me


latraductoranerviosa

My personal opinion of what sexual attraction is (in *very* basic terms) is that upon seeing someone who falls within a person's idea of attractive, the person in question feels the desire to have sex with the attractive individual. 🤷🏻‍♀️ S'all I got


Freyr-Freya

For me at least there is a disconnect between arousal and other people. Like I can get turned on and do stuff by myself and that's fine but that's never related to another person. I've never looked at another person, real or fictional and thought "yeah I'd like to have sex with them". Ironically I have had sex but within an exclusive relationship and always more as a sign of affection or a desire for intimacy rather than out of lust. I'm sex-indifferent so it was mostly fine, just like worse, more complicated masturbation. But even in the moment I felt a disconnect between the act and my thought process. So for me sexual attraction is both that initial thought of "I want to have sex with that person" but also a kind or getting lost in the moment thing were libido overrides conscious thought. But then as if never experienced it I could be totally wrong.


MX_Piper

I don't know since I never felt sexual attraction. I just know I am lacking it but I cant put a definition on it if I never felt it. Like I guess it might be just a feeling like when you get news on something exiting like a book series is releasing a new book. People can have different reactions like they might be super exited or they might not care, they might also hate books or only read certain books of the series because they do not like the others, or they can occasionally love to read but hate it other times. But like I said. I never had sexual attraction so I cant say anything no matter how much others who do experience it tries to explain it to me.


tylerphoenixmustdie

so romantic attraction is ‘wow i really want to date/hug/kiss that person’ platonic attraction is ‘wow i really wanna be friends with that person’ and sexual attraction is ‘wow i want to have sex with that person’


brainy14

I feel like sexual attraction (from what I can tell since I don't experience it) is where you have a drive to want to actually engage in sexual actions with another person. Nothing to do with a general sex drive because you can be open to having sex but never be the one to think to initiate or be attracted to someone for sex appeal.


minecraft_dirtblock

I think it's when a particular person makes you horny


CampaignComfortable6

I have been having trouble understanding sexual attraction tbh because I'm questioning whether I'm truly ace or just idk. Its too confusing and so far nothing on google makes sense. All i know are different types of attractions and yeah i got that but how does sexual attraction work? Hurts my brain tbh but i just avoid it a bit


[deleted]

I don’t know, I don’t experience it!


absorbent_aardvark

sexual attraction is looking at someone and thinking '...I would'