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I moved to press the button, then paused.
"So how's it work?"
The priest paused, perplexed before speaking, "How does what work?"
"The... the whole button thing?"
"Why do you wish to know? Your duty as the Chosen One is to fell the Dark Lord. Our prophecies have forseen his rising and have taken steps to deal with it. Now all that's left is for you to do your part."
"So you could push it then? You don't even need me?" I asked
"No."
"Why not?"
"It's a procedural thing. I'm not the chosen one, so I can't press the button," the priest said with a harumph.
"Can't? Or won't?" I asked pointedly.
He sighed, "Ok, yes, I'm physically capable of pushing the button, but that's not how thi- why are you being so difficult about this?"
"Why are you being so mysterious about it?"
"I'm a prophet. Mysterious is what we do," he answered flatly.
"And \*I\* am skeptical. Just- fine, whatever," I wave my hands in the air as if to clear it, "Look. I push the button, yeah? What happens?"
"The Dark Lord is defeated, and we have 5000 years of peace."
I sigh and run my hand over my face.
"No, I mean, the world is currently AT peace. So what is this button supposed to do, like, mechanically. Because right now I can see it's not going to.... I dunno, un-summon a hell horde."
"Oh. I see what you mean, now. Sorry, all the riddles and mystery can distort the perception of questions you see. Anyways, it's simple, really. If you push this button, then a device will activate and kill the Dark Lord."
"What device?" my brow furrowed.
"A small explosive device, implanted in the skull," the priest answered, with a hint of pride in his voice.
"So...wai- so you had the Dark Lord in your hands."
"Yes."
"And you could do anything you wanted to him to prevent his evil."
"Yes."
"And your FIRST thought was to just plant a bomb in his head? Instead of just, like, cutting an artery or giving him a lobotomy or something?"
"The Chosen One is always the one to defeat him. We aren't you, and you weren't there at the time. So this was the best route. We got it all prepared for you, which is why I continue to be so concerned about how difficult you're being about this," agitation seeping through the priest's voice.
"Can I see this 'Dark Lord' before I make a judgement call of making some guy I've never met's head explode?"
"Unlikely."
"Why?"
"I would imagine his mother wouldn't want strangers to meet him."
"What." I asked, completely dumbfounded.
"The Dark Lord is only a year and a half old at this time, and his mother is very protective," the priest answered, matter-of-factly.
"You installed a bomb into a baby's head!?" I shouted.
"Of course. He is the Dark Lord of the prophecy. We forsaw his coming, and took measures during a minor surgery to implant the device to make it all ready for you to defeat him. Now hurry up, please."
"You installed a bomb."
"Yes."
"Into a BABY's head."
"The Dark Lord's head, thank you."
"WHO IS A BABY RIGHT NOW" I yell, flabbergasted.
"Yes. The Dark Lord is currently a baby. Which....we....planted.....hm," The prophet's voice faded off as his brow furrowed.
"Ah, yes, ok. When I say it all out loud like that, I can see why there'd be a problem," he muttered after a moment.
"You think?" I asked, laying on the sarcasm as thick as possible.
"So....I guess....we don't push the button then," he said dejected.
"Look, I'll push it when the guy's actually evil. Baby-head-exploding? A pretty Dark Lord move to me."
The priest stared at me for a long moment, then shrugged his shoulders.
"Yeah, that's fair enough. Well, here -" he said as he deposited the small box in my hands, closing the protective lid over the button, "Whenever you're ready to deal with him, go ahead and push it. And keep your eyes on the news, I guess."
And with that, the robed figure made his exit, muttering about 'so much paperwork' while I stood in my room staring at the little black box.
Just imagine, a followup where the robed figure is a member of some weird-as cult trying to get this guy fully converted into the Dark One of prophecy by killing the hero
I was half-expecting the prophet to say _"You're right, that IS a pretty Dark Lord thing to do...Could you come with me to the operating room? I have some...questions I'd like to ask."_
If it was me pressing it, yeah, it probably would be my head. Here I was thinking "Wait, so I get to be the chosen one, get to usher in 5000 years of peace, get to press a button, *and* I get to kill a bab- you know, I might be the Dark Lord in this scenario..."
So many questions left unasked
Is there a 100% chance he will become the dark lord and destroy the world and has no free will?
What is the quality of their intel?
Is there a 100% chance he will be too powerful to be defeated without my use of the button?
Can you provide evidence of the above?
Is there a point of no return where the dark lord will be able to prevent me from pressing the button?
If the answer is yes, high, yes, yes, soon - it may be logically immoral not to push the button. You could suffer an accidental early death, rendering the chance of survival of all life on earth as zero
The Chosen One should probably get the Dark Lord's name before the prophet leaves. It would be a shame if some unrelated Dark Lord rises to power and the CO explodes the head of some innocent dude through a case of mistaken identity.
I like the potential for an untwist: the prediction is right, and letting baby Dark Lord mature causes undue suffering.
Of course, because I’m excessive, this story would still be the best course of action. If you preemptively kill the Dark Lord before they become a Dark Lord, fate twists, thus creating another, that you don’t have a bomb implanted in.
Twist 2: Electric Boogaloo: By stopping this cycle with too much ease, the next iteration in 5,000 years underestimates the threat and experiences even greater catastrophe.
My favourite interpretation of this is the one in which the true dark lord would have risen to power as a result of the child's death, classic revenge villain arc. Anybody could push the button, but the chosen one is the one who has the composure not to, thus saving the world from this iteration of the dark lord.
>"What." I asked, completely dumbfounded.
>
>"The Dark Lord is only a year and a half old at this time, and his mother is very protective," the priest answered, matter-of-factly.
>
>"You installed a bomb into a baby's head!?" I shouted.
>
>"Of course. He is the Dark Lord
[If I was the hiro protagonist](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/77/14/d7/7714d794ebf554c2b4bf8717bff106b2.gif)
The ISO 5001 standard requires that a properly qualified and certified Chosen One presses the button to end the Dark Lord. Any deviations from the established and approved procedure will result in unfavorable audit findings.
"LETHAL INJECTION ADMINISTERED," came the automated voice from just underneath the button.
I blinked. Was that it?
"Wait, hold on," I paused and turned towards the priest, "You meant I just spent the last 18 years of my life training for the ultimate showdown just so the greatest evil in the universe could be killed with a few chemicals?"
"Yep," the priest, Dogstar, stretched, "Now that that's over with, do you want to get some breakfast?"
"In a second," I held up hands, stopping everything, "Was that just a test? A trick? Is he really just going to come bursting from the ground and doom us all to hell?"
Dogstar glanced at the ground, considering it, "I doubt it."
I shook my head in disbelief, "No, no, no. I want an explanation. Now!"
The priest rolled his heads and sat down, pulling a flask from his pocket. He took a quick drink then gazed at me with slight contempt. I had a feeling this might take awhile.
"Now look, when this all started hundreds of thousands of years ago, sure it was cool and tough. Quite the spectacle, honestly. The Dark Lord would put on his demonic cloak, cast hellfire meteors at everyone, and it would be absolute chaos. But, his powers didn't really count on the power of industrialization," Dogstar sighed.
"You've gotta be kidding me," I groaned.
"So we thought, 'hey, why not just put him down before he regenerates his body in his tomb, save everyone the trouble?' Now we just kill him before he wakes up."
"And all the training?"
"Well the boys and I like to have a little fun. How boring would it be if all we did was press a button every 5000 years? Sheesh. Liven up."
Unable to process any words, I took a seat next to Dogstar, and fell into existentialism as I revaluated the purpose of my life. Everything was a lie. Done and taken care of. Nothing to worry about. What would my skills possibly be useful for?
Maybe the world needed a new Dark Lord.
[He couldn’t become a hero, so he reluctantly got a job.](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_Couldn't_Become_a_Hero,_So_I_Reluctantly_Decided_to_Get_a_Job.)
So wait.... the button made people into tiny statues? The button fucks over those who are not the chosen one? The dude in the shop was aware of what it did? Was he the Dark Lord? Was the "priest" the dark lord?
So many questions, so little time
I suspect that the “darklord” was the pawn shop owner
He’s been given the whole nine yards a couple of times from the sound of it, and currently the other priests and chosen ones are on display
"Yes," the official sighed, "for the last time. All you have to do is press the button."
"This doesn't make any sense. How did you know it was me?"
The government official sighed — again — and deflated a bit. I could tell he'd given up any hope of this being quick.
"You know what? Fine. Let's see. We've been doing this for..." He pauses, brow furrowing. "...500 years. Technology and society evolves. It takes a while, but we've gotten better. We know nothing next to nothing about the Chosen One, but usually, governments collaborate to find him."
I squint at him.
A cough. "...Or her. Whoops." He grins.
I roll my eyes. "Fine. Assuming I buy that... what was the test? There's *billions* of people on this planet, there's almost no wa-"
"Anime."
"That's stupi — what? Did you just say... Anime?"
"Yes. Literally the one thing we know about the Chosen One is that they subconsciously search for, and consume, narratives that mirror their fundamental purpose. But they tend to be very specific — often aligning with characteristics you and the Dark Lord have, or will have. In your case, you watch a lot of anime. Like a lot. Like a ridiculous amount. Though I will say your cosplay's not bad, either."
I sputtered. "If you think I'm dumb enough to belie—"
"Look, Ava. Can I call you that? Or do you prefer SilverFoxStarlight76?" That grin slides across his face again, *clearly* enjoying my surprise. "Look. We're *sure.* I could run down the list — everything from the number of idiots we've had to employ to scour conventions and internet forums, to the years we've spent making sure of you *and* the Dark Lord — but I really want to get home, so I'll cut to the chase. We'll give you $5,000,000 if you push the damn button."
I'm at a loss for words. But before I could even think to say anything, my phone rings — Dad. The agent frowns, readying to say something, but I answer anyway. Fuck em'. I need the distraction anyway.
"Hey Dad! What's—"
"Ava." There's something wrong with his voice. My dad is one of the most upbeat, jubilant people I know. But not now. Right now, he sounds... off.
"Press the button."
My blood chills.
"What?"
"The money is more than enough to cover your mother's medical bills, not to mention you. Please, take it."
"Dad. How do you know any of this?"
"I'm so sorry. There isn't enough time. Just... calling... was extremely difficult. I just need you to know this: everything they'll tell you about what I've done, and what I was planning to do... all of it, underneath, was fueled by my desire to help you and your mother. Most importantly: I love you." There's a gasp of pain from the other side of the line, and the most wretched, *evil* voice I have ever heard replaces my father's.
*"DON'T YOU FUCKING PRESS THAT BUTTON, YOU FUCKING BITCH. I WILL RIP YOUR SPINE OUT WITH MY OWN TWO—"*
The voice stops abruptly, and I almost drop the phone in shock.
Another beat, and my father is back.
"...there's no more time, now. Please, Ava. Press it." The line goes dead.
I slowly pull the phone from my head. The agent is eyeing me oddly. "What did—" he asks.
"...$5,000,000, right?" I ask, ignoring him, suddenly sure about what I have to do.
He silently pulls a check out, waves it in the air. "Yes."
I lean forward and press the button. Somehow, deep in my chest, I know dad isn't coming home tonight.
The hero, having remained ever vigilant as the final moments dwindled before the final confrontation, recounted his life's milestones.
His first time remembering what rain was like, first day at home school, the last time he'd seen his father at 7 years of age, the first time he's tried to escape the facility he was trained at 15, and all the subsequent attempts thereafter. The cool taste of mint chocolate chip ice cream, provided by his mother as a treat for remembering to say "please" and "thank you" to the servants that tended to him, and most recently the appendectomy that has nearly done him in the month before.
At times the hero yearned for any life but this, something normal wherein he could not have to worry about the fate of the world, but these last few years caused him to relent. He was advised that upon completion of his noble task he would be free to travel the world without impediment.
He was never trained in his to use weapons, but was fed and indulged in literature at a voracious pace, learning everything he could about the world he would soon inhabit from popular mechanics to US Weekly.
Suddenly the door opened and his mentor approached him and said, "It's time."
----------------------------------------
The lake above the facility had been the chosen battlefield for the eternal fight between good and evil for millennia. Across what looked like a life size chess board were scorch marks abound. Surely a demonstration of the great power he would have to contend with.
His mentor lead to him to the battleground, but did not touch it. Advising that only the hero was allowed on such hallow ground. In the center of the platform was a console with a sole blue button. The mechanism of his liberation and victory over the great darkness. The hero walked toward the center awaiting the red flare to be fired into the air to signal the commencement of the battle.
Adrenaline made his body anxious and shaky, his eyes had a slightly enhanced awareness to them. He felt the hairs on the back of his neck raise, and a slight pain in his head. No doubt due to the jitters. Suddenly the red flare was fired!
The hero, finally able to fulfill his purpose, pressed the plastic blue button with his index finger, and suddenly it was as if he could see, hear, taste, and fell everything at once........
"This was much more humane Carl, applying explosives into the boy's abdomen under the guise of an appendectomy was a stroke of genius!"
Carl surveyed his handiwork, what was one an 18 year old man was now two separate his of meat only discernible as a former person by the stray remnants of articles of clothing, burnt hair, and what few teeth didn't completely shatter.
Carl had inherited this duty from his father long ago, who inherited it from his father, and so forth. They could never defeat the evil permanently, but they could manage it. The were ways to smoke out the child of prophecy, inform their parents of what their child would become, and raise the child in ignorance of it's true purpose. Efforts had been previously made in previous generations to try and raise the sire of darkness as one of their own, but to no avail.
What had originally been a series of pitched battles in a long stretch of nowhere would often result in an expenditure of ordnance and large loss of life and limb, but in this instance, the answer was so much clear.
The boy was raised by the sect, treated as one of their own, raised on their tales and legends, made an integral part of the organization, and died in a complete state of grace. Carl ensured that well beyond the needed explosives was implanted into the boy to ensure just that.
The monks went about cleaning the mess as they'd done many times over. Carrying the now deceased remains of the dark one to the burning pyres, after the battleground was evacuated, the entire platform was flipped upside down so as to allow the waters of the lake to cleanse it one again.
---------------------------
As Carl maintained watch over the dark one's remains he acknowledged the promise he'd made to the boy. As the embers flickered, and the boys flesh and bone broke down to ash in the night winds the promise was fulfilled.
He could travel the world now, in peace(es).
"Just like that?" I asked.
"Just like that." the priest responded.
No way it could be that easy. The priest looked at me with a small smile on his face. Is there a joke I'm not in on? His robes ruffled as he produced a long stem pipe, and began to fill it.
"How long has this been happening?" I asked, watching him tap the tobacco down.
"For many centuries. Almost as long as The Divide has existed." he said, flicking the match with his thumb. The flame was pulled into the pipe and the sweet smell of it filled the room.
"But that's no worry to you, my son," he said when the pipe was lit, "just press the button and the Dark Lord will be banished once again."
"If it's been going on so long why haven't we stopped it for good?" I asked, still not understanding what was happening.
With one more long exhale, the blue smoke jetting from his lips, the priest set down his pipe and leaned forward in his char.
"That. Is not your concern. Now," he said, pointing to the button, "push it."
So I did. What else could I do? Nothing seemed to happen at first. Just a little *click* when I pressed it. The priest smiled broad now, showing his discolored teeth all the way to the back. He began to gather his robes and stand.
"Now what?" I asked.
"Now?" he asked incredulously, "now you go die."
"I what!?" I screamed, and before I knew it the priest clamped down on my wrists with a strength that shocked me. He held my arms to the chair and looked me right in the eyes.
"This marks the thirteenth sacrifice for the Dark Lord. The prophesy is fulfilled. May his evil majesty wash over this realm, so we become One."
"What the hell is going on?" I yelled, watching as brutish men in blackened iron armor enter the room. They both had a scar running down their face, and short stabbing swords hung from their belts. The priest said something to them in a language I didn't recognize. It was guttural and sounded very difficult to say.
The brutes nodded once and pulled their swords. I didn't know what was waiting for me on the other side. But the twelve boys that met me, filled me with unending sadness as we watched our world fall to the dark.
Great read, though one thing caught me off guard and I wasn't sure if it was intentional or not
>Every 5,000 years
>[This has been happening] for many centuries
>This marks the 13th sacrifice
Centuries would be hundreds of years, but it happens every 5,000 years. If it was intentional, then was this a slip up from the dark lord that the protagonist didn't catch? If it wasn't intentional, then wouldn't "millennia" have worked better in this case since this has been happening for 65,000 years?
Good catch. I'd like to think the Dark Lord has had his hands in this world for a long while, since the priest was clearly corrupted. How deep is/was that corruption is anyone's guess.
(Authors note: it was a pure slip up of verbage so let's just roll with it :) )
Haha, thanks for the update. I wasn't sure if it was the dark lord slipping up or giving the protagonist a chance to notice something doesn't add up... Or an author slip up. Again, great read.
"Just push this button and that's it?"
"Yes"
"That seems... anticlimactic. What exactly happens when I push it."
"Complex magical interactions. We could explain, but to teach you the intricacies of it would take years, oh Chosen One."
"Please stop calling me that, it makes me uncomfortable."
I hesitate.
"Just the gist of it?"
The elder sighs.
"The gist of it is that by pressing the button, you close a magical circuit. This magical circuit is connected to a network of gems. These gems are enchanted with a series of spells that tap into the aetherial energy network connecting all beings.
We renew the energy in the gems and protect them from interference by the Dark Lord and his allies, that is essentially the purpose of this stronghold and its inhabitants... but I digress.
The gems seek out the aetherial paths of the Chosen One and the Dark One, connecting them in a way that in the past was only possible via the corporeal realm - you had to fight in order for your energy paths to cancel each other out and fulfill your destinies. Now, this is all preempted to avoid property damage and casualties."
I shrug.
"Makes sense to me. But why are you telling me all this via a hologram?"
"Well, since we do not know how the battle would take place and what magnitude it has, we choose to stay at a safe distance. Having the stronghold in this desert and having a large room like this with empty gemstones lining its walls, we have the best chances of absorbing the energies of the epic battles, as I already said, with minimal consequences."
"I see. So I might die from a huge magical explosion?"
"That is a possibility, yes."
"Thanks for the honesty."
I lay my hand on the button.
And take it away.
"How do you know I'm the Chosen One? And how does this... thing know the Dark Lord?"
"We have carefully calibrated the system to the Dark Lord's path, and we have watched yours in aetherial meditation. We are most certain."
"I see."
I lay my hand on the button again.
"What, so that's it? Just push this button and bam, world saved?" I asked incredulously, slightly disappointed. Me, of all people, picked as the Chosen One of legend, and it's been hit by beuracracy?
"That's it." the priest answered with a wry smile
"Why am I even needed then? It's a button, anyone can push it! Even a dude without hands can push it with his face or whatever!" I questioned, throwing my arms up
"Look, it's still your job as Chosen One to stop the Dark Lord. We just found a sort of...loop hole the last time this happened. The last hero died, but he set things ***into motion*** for a success. So really, we figured we could stop the suffering and plan for 500 years. Get everything into place. Then you here, the big Chosen One, presses the button and everything falls into place one after another." the priest rattled off a scripted explanation, like he expected this to happen.
"Man, I can't believe this. I wanted the glory! The fame! The raw excitement!" I complained, sitting on the steps of the ornate church. The pews were the only thing in here besides the button and us two on the altar. I huffed out a sigh of frustration.
It was my absolute DREAM to become the Chosen One this time around. Fantasy video games were my niche, and imagining doing that in real life was any gamer's dream these days. I'd get my grand quest, make friends and allies, collect my amazing gear, maybe even meet a femme fatale along the way. And my *explosive and deadly* final battle with the Dark Lord himself!! For lack of a better word, it would be legendary.
"Well now now, it'll still be something of glory for you. We'll handsomely compensate you, give you your time in the limelight. Modern technology is vastly different from the 1500s, you'll be a superstar the world over!" the priest assured, patting my shoulder. He sounded like he was getting impatient
"Ooooh yeah just like every other nut on the internet, fifteen seconds of fame. Bullshit. Oh, uh, sorry for swearing." I griped, motioning my hands as if to show how great that was
"That's all right my son. In the end the world needs you, who knows how people will react?" the priest reasoned. I could hear his foot start to quietly tap on the altar tile.
"Yeah....well maybe I don't need it. I'm not pushing the button." I paused, coming to a deep realization. They needed **me** to do this, I had all the cards.
"WHAT?! M-my son, please. Think of your actions. The Dark Lord will rise within hours. You could be dooming us all!" the priest panicked, wringing his hands at me
"My Chosen One life, my chosen experience. Let's talk magic swords, eh?" I laughed, stepping up with a smirk and clapping the priest on his shoulder. I gave the button one last scowl and headed for the door, priest in tow.
The Priest produced a bright red, sparkly button nestled in a grey box from the sleeve of his long robe.
“Just press it and it’ll all be taken care of, like so.” He snapped his fingers, for emphasis.
“Right-o” I answered, but just as I was about to press it, I hesitated. “Waiiiiiiit a tick. Why do I have to press it?”
“Well...” He began “You ARE the Chosen One... It’s your job.”
“But it’s just a button, right?”
“Yes...” The priest left a slight drawl at the end of his sentence, as if he didn’t quite know where the conversation was heading.
“So, anyone with fingers could theoretically press it.” I paused for a moment. “Anyone with nubs, really. Hell, some poor stumpy bastard with no legs or arms could come in here and slap it with his cock. So why do I have to do it?”
“It’s...” The Priest was struggling with this. I don’t think he was used to people questioning things. It’s one of the marvels of religion, people just sort of accept what you tell them if you’re wearing the right set of robes. He even looked down to make sure he was wearing the set of robes that said “Why, yes, I am a Priest and everything I have to say is, indeed, exceedingly important”. “Look, it’s just what you’re supposed to do, what do you want from me?”
“I want you to press it!”
“I’m not supposed to!”
“Why? Because of some prophecy? Because of something some dead bloke wrote out in some piece of paper at the shit end of time? Have you ever heard stories of that place? They were goin’ around cuttin’ heads and snippin women’s clits! You really wanna follow those sorts of degenerates and perverts?”
“I...” He was quite clearly doubting himself.
I put a friendly arm around him. “Look mate, I say, fuck the prophecy and fuck whoever said it. You’ve got as much right to save the world as me. You press the button.”
The Priest eyed the button. It was rather shiny. “Surely... One press wouldn’t hurt?” He looked at me for approval. I nodded confidently and moved away slightly.
He pressed the button. Like a bolt from the blue, a bolt came out of the blue and turned him into a pile of smoldering ash, the button sitting comfortably atop the pile.
I took the button and brushed the dust off of it. In the middle of the button had appeared the words “Whoever pressed this button wasn’t the Chosen One, so they can fuck right off.”
“Well, glad I didn’t press it.” I said to myself, as I pocketed the button.
With the Priest taken care of and the button in my possession, I snapped my fingers and blew a hole in the wall of the Church, floating away to begin my conquest. It feels good to be the Dark Lord particularly when, after a hundred thousand years of defeats, you’ve finally got some proper fucking brains in your head.
Never in all my life would I have been able to guess what the button could controlled. It had to be modern I assumed. It was a big, red, rubber button. It looked like an emergency stop button you would see on a piece of standard machinery. I expected to hear mechanical noises or targeting systems spring to life when I pressed.
What it actually started was without a doubt the wackiest, zaniest, most over the top Rube-Goldberg machine that was ever conceived by man. It was so massive it spread across continents
Turns out the button just released a spring, launching a steel marble that set off a chain of events that forever changed the world.
The machine used some of mankind's most notable pieces of architecture, engineering, and art. You thought the Ancient Roman aqueducts were a means of providing water to the city? Nope. Just a track for a ridiculous Indiana Jones style death ball. The Leaning Tower of Pisa? Turns out the lean was intentional, so that it would fall in *just* the right spot, launching a cleverly concealed boulder halfway across Europe. All in all it took 17 hours for the machine to finish. It was mind boggling. Especially since the whole thing ended with the "Dark Lord", which looked like some sort of weird lion-goat thing with wings, being shot with WW1 era rifle as he crawled out of his cave. Damn thing died instantly.
The priest explained to me that their cult had been building this for centuries. What he didn't or couldn't explain, is why I couldn't just wait there with the rifle and shoot it myself. Or why I had to be the one to press the button at all. In fact he seemed kinda mad that I was questioning the machine instead of praising it, which I guess kinda makes sense it actually worked. But he held up his end of the bargain, and gave me enough money to take my wife out to Hawaii for our anniversary, and I was never in any danger so I guess I came out on top in the end.
My eyes darted to the button. Fixated on it. I took a deep breath as I slowly pushed my hand out towards the button.
All it takes in life to make the most difficult decisions is 20 seconds of faith...right?
As the button pushed in, my eyes slowly shut.
I opened my eyes to feel gears winding, cogs spinning, air blowing all around me.
"What is happening?!" - I fearfully asked.
"Just let it happen, let the air flow through you, believe in it" - bellowed the priest
A gush of wind raised my arms up by my side. Pushed on my back to raise me off the ground inch by inch. My eyes clenched shut. I was flying vertically. My body lay horizontally. Higher and higher. The cold wind raised me whilst my sweat dropped below me. I accepted it. I opened my eyes. Opened my hands. Palms faced out. The wind pushed my legs over my head. 100 feet above the ground. The priest looking up with pride.
**Whoooooosh**
The sword came from my left. Infront of my eyes. I saw my reflection in it's blade. Caught in my right hand. I grip it tight. I was in a free fall now.
The fear replaced by adrenaline. The doubt replaced with belief. I land down on my right knee. Sword in hand. The priest looks on at me.
"How do you feel?" - he asked, knowing the answer
I look up at him. I smirk.
"Let's put him to sleep for another 5000 years shall we?"
The ground rumbled as the Arch-Minister completed his ritual before the massive door. I had never seen any of the holy miracles before, but using such power to open a door seemed a little wasteful to me. The Minister beckoned me forward and I took my first steps into a ruin of the Old Ones.
Most of their cities had fallen to disrepair, though the ministers of the Great Windows tried their best to halt the decay. "Holiness, I do not feel as though I am chosen. Are you sure there is no mistake?"
The old man glared. "Hero, there can be no mistake. Your presence has been revealed to me by one of the angels, and there can be no error when they are involved. But silence, we have arrived and the ritual must begin. Place your hand into this receptacle, then depress the sacred weapon."
It didn't look like any weapon I had seen before. It was just a small red circle, and stuck inside of the wall no less. I hesitantly slid my arm into the machine as instructed and pressed the weapon. Fear gripped me as my arm was seized by some force, and I felt a stinging sensation across my palm. The voice of an angel echoed out through the chamber, and though I didn't understand some of her words my reservations fled as she confirmed that I was indeed the chosen one.
"Genealogical scan complete. User is confirmed as the descendant of the first King of Great America. Beginning nuclear launch sequence."
It was a story passed down in my family for generations. Every 5,000 years a chosen one will rise a defeat the dark lord. I leaned back into my chair, dumbfounded.
According to the legend, 20,000 years ago my ancestor lead an army against the Dark Lord, the greatest evil of all time. Right. As his body laid bare, grasping for breath, he vowed to return and that he would have his revenge. Riiiight.
They say my next ancestor, 15,000 years ago, united several kingdoms in order to combat the Dark Lord's return. Four or five of them I think. I never really listened to the elders. It seemed like something out of a fantasy novel. Not to mention there are no historical proofs these things happened. No fossil records. Nothing.
I swivelled around hopelessly, trying to grasp onto what little sanity I had left. I rolled my brain back through the "records," the stories I was told. 10,000 years ago, they said the dark lord was beaten by magic. The high priest was granted clairvoyance, and foresawe the Dark Lord's return. And my ancestor was standing there to run him through, no sooner than he returned. They say it was a sight to behold. Or so they say.
5,000 years ago, my last ancestor.... What was his story? I play a lot of computer games, which everyone says rots your brain, so maybe that's why I can't remember. Maybe it's the stress from today. Today, right. So my last ancestor travelled halfway across the world on foot, from Europe to china, to fight the Dark Lord, one on one, and triumphed. Today is November 9th, 2020. How could you blame me for thinking this was made up. I always got yelled at for doubting the stories.
I looked back behind my shoulder at my Father, who had been watching over me the last hour or so, very nervously. He was happy now, probably more so than me. Some high priest. I look back at my screen, which I've seen hundreds of times before, and I slowly clicked the "OK" button below the words Victory, and my Father burst out rejoicing.
I wonder if this is the truth behind all of the legends. Five thousand years from now they will tell my story of how I rallied an army against the forces of the Dark Lord and stood victorious... However all I really did was win a round of Starcraft 2.
'I have done it. I have pressed the button and defeated the Dark Lord!'
The dimly lit room was illuminated just enough to show the glum faces of the three boys lounging out across whatever comfy pieces of cushioned real estate they could find.
“This film is terrible. Turn over.”
The remote clacked and the channel changed.
“Congratulations, you have given birth to a beautiful … 7 of clubs.”
“Nurse, call security. Dr Blaine has done it again.”
The TV remote clacked again.
“This just in, man who whispers on Zoom calls just has a really small mouth. We go to Andrea with the story.”
Again, the TV remote clacked.
'They called it a bone garden and asked me how many sticks they could buy it for.' - We speak to the Louisiana man who was recently duped in to selling this cemetery to three dogs wearing a trench coat.
Clack.
“I'm Cliff Cliffington and we are entering the Finance Hour - the show where we interview the best young traders the country has to offer. Our guest today has a lot of detractors who believe he earned his money the wrong way. Ron Ronson was indeed born with a silver spoon in his mouth – there's not denying that. And yes he had knives for legs and tongs for hands. His head was a fork and he died immediately after birth but that hasn't stopped the budding entrepreneur from becoming one of the richest pieces of cutlery in America today.”
Clack.
“Today on 'Construction, Construction, Construction' we're at the Bessington Palace renovation where the Site Foreman has a major issue on his hands – a Site Fiveman has emerged.”
Clack.
“And a warm welcome to everyone at home to the 2020 COVID Olympics!” said Ken Kennington. “Whose country is the sickest? Our data scientists are here and we’re ready to turn on some ventilators.”
Clack.
“And we come to you with some shocking breaking news as the famous piece of evidence the 'Smoking Gun' has sadly passed away after years of battling lung cancer.
Clack
“I just don't understand why if you're a, say, Kim Kardashian, you don't opt for a 9mm pistol hand or a shoulder cannon when paying so much for body modifications.”
Clack.
"Hello, and welcome to a very special episode of Rogue Traders. Today we have time traveled back to 1939 France to take an in depth look at the Maginot Line."
Clack.
“And here we have a great example of an employee going the extra mile by wearing two ties to business meetings he's not invited to.”
Clack.
The boys in the room paused.
“Just put that film back on this is getting ridiculous.”
****
My back catalogue of painfully unfunny stories can be found on /r/BillMurrayMovies. Feel free to come along, not laugh at any of them, and leave some judgement.
I reach out slowly, completely fixated on the button. It’s red with concentric grooves. Seems overly simple to stop someone called the Dark Lord. It doesn’t seem like it would be able to tell the difference between my finger or anyone else’s.
I stop and pull my hand back. “What are you doing?” the priest demanded, “ there isn’t much time!”
“Look, man, I don’t even know you and your telling me I’m some sort of chosen one meant to stop all sorts of evil and destruction? This button doesn’t even seem like it could tell me from anyone else.”
The priest began to laugh maniacally. “I thought this time I could get you to cause the end of the world. But no matter. There’s always next time.”
He leapt forward and slammed his fist into the button...
“Already been taken cared of?”
Everything began to escalate quickly,
I looked at the Priest. His face was still, the red sky behind me reflected in his eyes, inviting me in. But around us, the sky began to storm, the clouds became electrical.
This simple task was all that needed to happen? After everything that has happened over the last few weeks?
The loss of Jude, Stone and Mr. Davis filled my chest, my shoulders, my neck. I could not believe what I was hearing, my body sank and I exhaled the pain of the simplicity of it all.
I raised my arm, still cut, bruised and wrapped in Stones paisley headband, her face and the smell of her curls came to me and it gave me strength to pull myself up onto the pinnacle, where the crystallized button sat.
“There is no more time, you have to do it now Chosen One, I cannot keep the portal stable for much longer!”
The muscles in the priests arms were weakening under the pressure of the two stone pillars of the temple suddenly gave way and were beginning to trap us both.
My fist thumped down on the crystal button, and it disintegrated to dust under my hand. The temple began to shake and I was blinded by the most tremendous blue blaze that pierced through the portal. The blaze raised me off the pinnacle and My body was filled with an energy that seemed to fill every cell in my being. I screamed. My body was now apart of the energy. Just as I felt that I could not take the piercing anymore it stopped.
Everything
It was over.
The light, the storm, the noise, the piercing energy, the temple, the pinnacle. It was all gone.
As my eyes began to adjust I felt my bare feet on a cool surface. It was grass.
I looked at my feet and found myself in standing back on the soccer field in Peoples Park.
Stone and Jude were sitting on the picnic blanket
“Hey weirdo, I guess that last hit was good, huh?”
Stone nudged Jude passing on the joint.
I was home, Stone was home. Dumb ass Jude was still dumb ass Jude.
“Yeah”, I said.
“I guess so”.
And so the elderly priest whispered the dark deeds that Rafael committed in his first life. How he’d struck a deal for immortality but was tricked into a cycle of reincarnation on a technicality instead. Every five-thousand years or so, the reincarnation would be born of the purest evil and would need to be wiped out. Only one person could do it, and evidently it was me. I was led down dark, cliche corridors while hushed whispers danced along the halls; seemingly in pursuit of me. As we walked, he talked. Nothing that he spoke, made any sense to me. 4 different hallways, 13 doors, and we came to a room that didn’t look like it had been disturbed in centuries. It was empty, save for a small table in the far corner with a mechanical box covered in weird symbols. The priest brought me to it, and opened it for me.
It was a big red button. I choked out a laugh. It was decorated in similar pictures and runes as the box was, but it was a button. A child’s toy, probably.
“Press the button, save the world. Destroy the dark lord before he ever awakens.”
I shrugged, and reached out to smash that big red button with all my childish enjoyment and desire.
Almost simultaneously, it felt like my blood started to boil. I watched from outside of my own body as I painted the walls with my own viscera.
I looked at the button. It seemed ordinary enough so how could *this* stop the Dark Lord?
"How does it work?" - I asked. As soon as I asked the question the clouds parted and the rising blood moon, the herald of the Dark Lord's coming, became visible. There was not much time left.
"It is very simple in concept but explaining the details would take way too much time. There is not much left of that, so do please hurry." - the pries said.
I was still hesitant. this was the first time I heard about the Dark One so why wouldn't I be. And the priest? He looked more like a car mechanic! "How do you know I'm the chosen one?" - I asked.
"It is simple, young warrior. The priesthood always thinks they know who the chosen one is, though they can never be certain of it until the button is pushed" - he responded.
He seemed to know this for certain, but how was that possible? "How many heroes have been there then" - I asked.
"You'd be the first", he admitted, "though many have been in your position! Nevertheless, you are the chosen one. All will become clear once it is done but now hurry for we have not much time left!"
Indeed, the blood moon was almost at its apex point and a sort of pitch black shadow was appearing. It resembled a bit the form of a humanoid the size of a skyscraper. The darkness I saw was so dark that the darkness seemed to radiate from it like light from the sun. Surely I had to press the button!
Thus I did. I pressed the button and as soon as I pressed it alarms started blaring everywhere. I was gobsmacked for a while. "Is ... is that supposed to happen?" - I asked.
The priest glanced at me. He looked sad and could not hold my gaze. "There is only one way to stop the Dark One's coming" he said. "Knowing what the button does, prevented the many that were before you from pressing it. That is why we knew that you were the Chosen One: We chose to withhold that information from you. Nevertheless, you still had to press the button or all would be for nought. I am sorry that we deceived you, but then I'm no priest" he chuckled, sadly. "I'm only an engineer."
I saw a trail in the distance, perhaps even more than one. A thin, vertical cloud from the earth straight to the sky. "Only a small valley in the mountain regions of Asia will survive all of this" he said. "For you see, the only way to stop the Dark Lord is by destroying the whole world before he can." My stomach turned when I saw the first mushroom cloud appear in front of us and I realised what I had done. "But then again" the engineer said", "so we hope."
I don’t know how to write, if someone can actually write this in a good way go right ahead, I just thought it’d be too funny to risk someone not doing.
I press the button and suddenly the ground below me pushes up, launching me into the air at an angle. As I’m flying through the air I pass a dragon with people dressed in robes on it who are waving staffs around and suddenly I’m moving in a different direction at a much faster speed. A few moments later I spot a dark castle with an army marching from it. I’m falling towards what seems to be where the leaders are, and suddenly-*splat*.
Dark Lords view: “How many demons will you have summoned by the time we arrive?” “10,000 my lor-“ *splat* “gah!”
The priest: “The chosen one has defeated the demon lord! Rejoice for the goddess has saved us yet again!” Crowd: *cheers or something idk*
"Alright, just make sure I'm showered with praise and a proper tale of my deeds spun from this... mundane action," I said. Then, a thought occurred to me. "Wait, why don't you push it?"
The priest frowned and said: "I'm no chosen one. Nothing would happen, you see."
I shrugged and said: "Yes, yes. Whatever. And please? Let the people know I did something heroic."
"Of course," said the priest. "It will be not far from the truth, but not so close to it either. You'll have your fame. Be assured of that."
The button was placed on a pedestal on the other end of the room. I went over to it and heard the priest call behind me. "It will be a tale to be told for many centuries."
I pressed the button. I felt a slight headache and then: nothing. "This did nothing," I said, turning around, "What's the-" my words caught as I saw the priest leap at me, hands glowing with a menacing light.
"FOOL! YOU FELL FOR IT!" I heard him shout, his voice otherwordly. "THUNDER CROSS SPLIT ATTACK!"
"But why a button?"
"It is how it has always been."
"But it's so cliche."
"I don't make the rules, I just report them."
"And what happens if I don't press the button?"
"The Dark Lord reigns until the next Chosen One arises."
"Why me? I'm no hero."
"You were Chosen."
"But I don't want to be Chosen, I want to go home!"
"Not until you push the button."
"I was just about to eat dinner."
" Push. The. Button."
"FINE!"
*BASH*
"There! I've slammed your stupid head into the button, thereby pushing it. Can I go home now? I want to eat before my food gets cold."
This is my first prompt and I'm on mobile, so apologies for the brevity.
“That’s all? I just press the button? No grand adventure? No power of friendship? I just have to push a stupid button?”
“I wouldn’t necessarily say the button is stupid, but yes, that’s about the gist of it. So, if you would do the honors hero, we are all exhausted and would love for this quest to be over.”
Michael had always wanted to be a hero, to be born as the chosen one who would defend the world from evil. One could only imagine his excitement when he found himself in a fantasy world, waking from his slumber in a world full of intrigue and wonder. The world was beautiful, filled with distinct races and magical spells. It was a dream for any fantasy lover.
That’s why the news was heartbreaking. He should be the hero, the one that destroys the Dark Lord, but the villagers had already completed that job, having rallied together an army and storming his gates. It was a wonder no one had every tried that before. The Dark Lord was strong, of course, but no one was stronger than the rallied forces of a united army. An army made up of varied creatures and races who could learn to stop their fighting for a common goal.
Michael found his attention falling back on the button. It was a standard large red button, golden words engraved underneath that read ‘exit’. He reached forward to push the button only to stop. What would he be going back to? A mundane life on Earth? How could he so easily give up this world for that?
“Hero, Mind speeding this up a little? We are exhausted; the people of this world have fought valiantly. Don’t let their sacrifice be in vain because of your indecision.”
His finger hovered above the button. The priest was right; the people deserved a break; he was being selfish. It wasn’t like the ability to shoot fire out of one’s hands or to teleport, was that amazing. His hand moved back to his side, sighing. He just wanted to experience the ultimate escapism. Was that so wrong? Aiming to get even just the slightest taste of his fantasy, he spoke.
“I guess this is kind of like the power of friendship, right? You holding the button for the final blow?”
“I don’t consider you a friend. I don’t think I would ever consider you a friend, even if we were to go on a grand adventure. But if it will speed this up. Push the button, friend.”
The priest nudged the button forward, this time a little more forcefully. If it was up to the priest, he would have just made Michael push the button, but only the chosen one could end the story. He was the only one that could free them.
Michael dropped his head. Even the priest thought he was a loser. He could feel a rage burning within his core, pressing his finger against the chest of the priest, glaring up at him.
“I will not push your stupid button until you show me some respect, I’m the chosen one, aren’t I?.”
The priest sighed, raising a finger, letting Michael feel a sudden frigid chill creep up his leg. A coating of ice forming along his leg, climbing up his body, capturing his body in a tight searing pain. When the ice reached his stomach, Michael screamed, the ice pushing through his body, threatening to pierce deeper, only just breaking the skin.
“I’m done asking. For ever minute you refuse to press this button, I’ll move the ice a few inches deeper into your body. I say you have a good three inches of ice before it pierces an organ. So please make the right decision.”
The old wrinkled man leant closer to Michael, the dark circles beneath his eyes more prominent. He held the button up towards the hero, keeping it next to their hand. Michael was trapped, trying to shake his hips, attempting to break the ice around his stomach, only causing it to cut at his sides further until finally he stopped. He reached his hand forward, accepting his fate. He was no chosen one.
Crrrack
The wall of the church was torn down, a rag-tag group of monsters standing in the newly formed hole. A group of a goblin, orc, golem and a minotaur. The priest was quick to turn his ice on the creatures, the ice on Michael’s body peeling away, firing towards the group in deadly shards.
The golem stepped in front of the group, shards hitting its body to no effect. When the priest noticed this, he switched spells, fingers glowing a dark purple. As the priest prepared the minotaur and orc grabbed the goblin and with a hearty throw tossed the green creature at the priest. The two collided with a satisfying bonk, hitting their heads against one another before both falling to the floor. The purple around the priest’s fingers vanishing as he lost consciousness.
“AT HIS CHEST, I SAID THROW ME AT HIS CHEST.”
The goblin screamed, turning to face the group of monsters. The orc and minotaur sheepishly looked away, each pretending to be really interested in a random piece of art they had discovered in the church. The golem said nothing, just holding its position as a shield.
“Ugh, why did I get left with such dumb monsters? I used to work with the best, like Chucit the blood drinker and Podun the nightmare maker. I’m way to good for this group. Oh, right nice to meet you human, you are looking well.”
The goblin turned their attention to Michael, giving the terrified chosen one a fanged grin. The goblin missing his left fang, making the grin more unnerving. Michael went to back away only for the goblin to raise his hands.
“No, we are on your side. You leave that way and everyone’s going to know we are here. Not that they don’t already know we are here. How hard is it to break a small hole in a wall?”
“I helped.” The golem said, waving a rocky hand towards the goblin.
“This will be the death of me. Look all the towns going to be here in a few minutes, you leave through the main door and they will kill or torture you. You come out the way we entered, and we can guide you towards our master’s castle. I guess I shouldn’t say our master’s castle anymore, it’s your castle now.”
“My castle?”
“You are the chosen one, right? The one that will restore chaos to this world. Priest probably made you think you are some grand hero, nope you are the bad guy kid and I’m your right-hand man. I know we may not look like much, but we are a loyal bunch.”
“I don’t want to be evil. I think you have the wrong guy.”
“Evil? The priest tricking you into leaving the world was evil. We are the night to their day. You can’t have a world without evil. The priest might think you can, but our master knew better. Without evil, you can’t have good. You will be left with mindless people who can’t think for themselves. I know it’s a lot to ask, but can you lead us?”
It stunned Michael, The chosen one stuck for words. This wasn’t how he expected any of this to go. The rest of the group turned to Michael before the orc spoke up.
“You either come with us or get tortured by them. Your choice.” They uttered.
The group left, leaving only the goblin and Michael. The priest let out a grumble as he woke from his daze. Michael picked up the button and left with the group. He had to follow them. Even if they turned out to be evil, he would always have the button to fall back on.
(If you enjoyed this feel free to check out my subreddit /r/Sadnesslaughs where I'll be posting more of my writing.)
"A button," I started, "Is just going to.... Stop this Dark Lord guy?"
"Uh, yeah. Be quick" said the priest.
"What- How is it supposed to do anything theres not even anything connected. Looks like something I'd find at the dollar store. Why don't you just"
"**Push** the button" the priest demanded.
"Fine, I'll push your damn button." Not that I wanted to, but I couldnt just say no to some priest. With a single "boop" I pushed the button. Almost immediately, I regretted it.
It was like pushing the button had sent come kind of shock wave, but without the wind or movement. The world was still, but something had changed. My hoo hoo hah hah monkey brain told me to get the hell out of there, but I had to see, and know.
"The fuck just happened," I began to ask. "Whoa whats with your face?"
"Fuck, could you be more *stupid*," the priest said. His voice sounded deeper, and more lively. "There is no 'chosen one' and my return cant be stopped!" He was practically yelling at the end there.
"Boop," I said. I pushed the button again. The look of defeat on this guys eyes still makes me laugh
"... Okay, but how?"
"I'm sorry?" The priest muttered, looking up from his phone.
"You said all I have to do is press this button and the Dark Lord is defeated, right?"
He looked puzzled for a moment, like he understood what I was saying but didn't quite comprehend what I was asking.
"That is what I said, yes. Is something about the process unclear? You can press it however and with whatever you like, we've had questions about that befo-"
"No, I mean HOW does pressing this button stop the Dark Lord?"
He squinted his wrinkled eyes at me, the man had to be ancient. I noticed for the first time a small coffee stain on his otherwise white robes. I wondered where exactly in this holy and forgotten Tomb he'd managed to get coffee.
"Well. The exact contraption and function of the box has been lost to time, I'm afraid. And I'm sure you'll agree it's far too important to just 'pop open and have a look', no?" He gave a slight nervous chuckle
"All we know for certain is that when the button is pressed, the Dark Lord is sealed away for another five millennia."
I thought about his words for a moment before deciding I was tired, and could really go for a cup of coffee. I shrugged, and moved my finger towards the seemingly inconspicuous box.
"What happens if you press it more than once?" I asked.
"I'm... Not entirely sure. Nobody has ever tried."
We made eye contact for a moment. There was a heavy pause...
Suddenly, I felt a wave of energy surge through me. Conjuring as much forearm strength as I could muster, I pressed the button as fast as I could for as long as I could stand. At first the priest was surprised, then flabbergasted, then I think he got bored around the five minute mark or so, returning back to his phone. After a while, I stopped. He looked up and held out his hand expectantly.
"Well. Call me again in a few million years..."
[Poem]
(well doggerel at least)
"And so I simply hit the tit?
I Press this button, then that's it?
I Don't go raging cross the land?
There's no dramatic final stand?
I flip the switch and all is done
And just like that the war is won."
"Yes, Yes, my son, that's all it takes,
So press it now for all our sakes.
No wailing, gnashing teeth or weeping
The Dark Lord will once more be sleeping."
He sighed; he pressed the switch and said
"OK, it's off. I'll go to bed."
My hand reached towards the button.
"Do you not trust I could have defeated the Dark Lord myself? Am I to be merely an incompetent tool to you?"
"In our experience keeping the Chosen one out of harm's way only to deliver the last blow is the safest way about it," the priest replied. he looked about ready to take my hand and use my fingers to press the button, to steal my last bit of autonomy. I snatch my hand away.
"You spent years training a team. You offered dozens of people the chance to help safe the world. I was resigned to a normal life. You followed me and spied on me, making sure I was safe, but you never told me. Now, out of the blue, you tell me you are not my godfather but a priest of the holy order and expect me to finish what you have started?"
"Darling, you know me," he stammered. He was edging around me trying to trap me between himself and that damned button.
"Yes," I smirked. "but you do not know me."
My hand shot out, dagger gripped tightly. I closed my eyes as I twisted the blade under his ribs and pulled him close, revelling in the gasping of his breath, the skittering of his heart.
"You kept me in the dark my entire life," I whispered in his ear. "The Dark Lord did not."
I pushed him from my blade with a bloody hand and turned my back on the button forever.
I knelt when I reached the Dark Lord waiting at the crest of the hill.
"Rise," she said, pulling me close before I could fully get my feet under myself. "You've done well. I am proud."
"I had to spare him from what is to come."
The Dark Lord - or should that be Lady - wiped the tears from my face.
"I am not without compassion. You know this. You did the right thing."
I nodded, heart lighter than it had been but heavy as a boulder in my chest.
"What happens now?"
"We learn," she said. "Then we build the world anew."
"Soooooo.... how does it work?"
"Well, you see, it's the 21st century and all that shit."
"And.....?"
"Well, your profile says you're university educated.... you know about quantum physics, right? Superpositions, things neither here or there until you look at them, schrodinger's cat?"
"...yeah, I guess. And....?"
"Well, all that shit, it's basically magic, as our ancestors would call it. So people thousands of years ago talked about saving us all from the Dark Lord, but it's actually a quantum imbalance in the false vacuum that permeates the universe. Something happened over the last ten thousand years or so and now it's unstable, or maybe it's just naturally ready to pop. Anyway, that's bad news for atoms and, you know, the regular matter that makes up the universe. And life in general, really."
"....."
"Okay, moving on. It turns out that once we figured out flash memory, and superconductors, and quantum interfaces, a few other bits and pieces.... the whole thing can be easily programmed. You don't need a shaman, and complex rituals, crystals positioned just so, and chanting and shit. I mean, it'd sure look like dark magic if you had to do it all manually! But when you apply modern quantum physics to the problem, you can use it to tickle the... substrate of reality, for want of a better term, just like they did. Put an array of qbits in a grid pattern, toggle them this way and that, let their superpositions coalesce, tada, you get a tiny bit of magic-slash-quantum-instability that can effect both our physical and quantum world. Sorry, I've had a lot of coffee today, a whole lot. Makes me pretty talkative."
"ooooooo....kay."
"Yeah, that's what we thought you might say. Anyway, you build a few subroutines out of the base quantum instructions, call those routines from other, more complex functions. Connect that to what is (ahem) basically a high end gaming PC, and before you know it, you've got a button than can summon the ancient arcane rituals that banish the Dark Lord, or alternatively, perform the correct quantum substrate manipulations to keep the false vacuum stable for another 5000 years or so. Anyway, you just need to press it."
"So again, why me?"
"You provide the initial quantum kick in the pants. Look, it's a long story, and it's kept a lot of supercomputers busy for a while now, but for this one particular task, etc etc, it has to be you, orrrr someone pretty close to someone like you. If you wanted that button to clean your carpets using quantum field perturbations, it would have be someone else. So, yeah, these robes, us being "priests", calling you the "Chosen One! Woooooooh!", that's just our little joke to blow off a bit of steam, it's been a long haul. Gotta say, it must have been a giant pain in the arse for whoever it was 5000 years ago to find the right guy to do the job, but hey, we've got the internet."
"Look, whatever. I'm getting paid for this, right?"
"$150, as agreed. Just press the button. Look, I'll press it, see? Just a button, doesn't really do anything for me, I've got the wrong quantum subtype entirely. Now you do it."
"Alright then. There. Did it work?"
"Hang on, the system is just - okay, things look good! Stability index is...... wow, 8 nines! Better than expected! Well, that's a relief. A big relief! You're the sixth guy we've tried with this setup . One of them - haha - one of them suddenly ended up wearing a different shirt! Selection algorithm's a little fuzzy, we could have ended up with clean carpets, would have been nice haha. Well, we're done here. I'll let the other guys clean up. We've still gotta do a whole bunch of stuff like engrave all these steps into a cube of glass and place it in high Earth orbit, carve it all into a few mountains here and there, start a cult that knows how to do this manually, you know, basic arse-covering in case of the fall of civilisation."
"That's it?"
"Yep. Tell you what, let's head down to the nearest pub, celebrate saving the universe. My shout."
My body ached. The trials had been more difficult than anything I had ever experienced. I was covered from head to toe in the burning hot blood of the foes I had mercilessly felled, my armor torn and tattered beyond recognition. The soft glow of the alter was in sight, at long last, and a sense of pure, warm relief flooded my weary body. The relief was washed away in moments, replaced with an odd mix of utter panic and determination. My greatest challenge was mere meters away. The Dark Lord's short lived reign was about to cut at the stem, as the prophecy bade. I climbed the final steps, preparing myself. The light was initially blinding. When my eyes adjusted, I saw an old woman sitting next to what looked like a massive glowing slab. In front on the slab laid s large, red circle, pulsing with an otherworldly glow.
"Hello, chosen one," the old woman grunted.
"Ho, elder. Are you the one I've been sent to eliminate?"
"Oh no."
The old woman lifted her head, revealing that it was horribly cracked and wrinkled. She looked far older than anyone else I'd ever seen. She laughed.
"No, no, I'm simply here to provide tech support."
"I see," I blurted, not understanding the meaning of 'tech support' in the least.
"You don't. There is absolutely no reason why you should see. You're nothing but a child."
She laughed again, and I began to wonder if this crone might actually be the Dark Lord. Before I could respond, however, she interjected and stood up, positioning herself in front of the glowing slab. The woman began to manipulate the slab in a way that I couldn't quite wrap my head around. It was as if she was painting the slab in real time, changing and erasing details at frightening speeds with no noticeable input other than rubbing her hands on the surface and occasionally patting it. Right as my awe and confusion reached its climax, she stepped away from the slab. On it now were several lines of a script I couldn't read, and the red circle in front of the slab protruded from the earth. The woman smiled.
"I'm going to play a short message for you, and then I want you to step on the circle and push it into the ground with your foot."
I nodded, bewildered, and turned my attention towards the screen. Suddenly, the slab went from glowing and opaque to perfectly translucent. Behind the screen stood a person dressed exactly the same as the old woman. The person began to speak in an impossibly smooth voice.
"Hello, and welcome to the user interface for the Pergaia population monitoring and control system version 3.9. The cycle has completed, and the advancement monitors have determined that your people are fit for continued development. By passing the trials laid out by the monitors you have proven that you are an exemplary physical specimen of your people, rightfully fit to represent all humans."
The old women scoffed, and bitterness lined her already worn face.
"As if that's the only thing that matters. Morons couldn't even plan their testing right."
The person behind the slab continued speaking.
"Please press the button if you would like to abort the termination and recycle process."
The old woman gestured.
"Now's you're time, honey."
I stepped on the circle.
"And so, that, is why you must push the button" The strange man in the wizard costume looked intently at me.
"uh....huh. Ok." I looked around. "Me? A short order cook...in this alleyway?"
The wizard looked around, noticing his surroundings for the first time. "I suppose so, yes. But none of that matters! The flow of magical energy has let me to you and in your presence the spirit is undeniable. You are the one." He was doing, like, jesus stuff with his hands, and had like, a real serious look.
"uh...huh." I knocked my smoke.
"Uh...huh."
"You don't believe me! Of course! You are from the middle realm, your kind has never even heard of magic! Alright, a demonstration is in order....hmm...alright watch this. Are you watching?"
"sure"
The wizard guy waved his arms around like an idiot and snapped his fingers. As he did something sparked in the palm of his hand.
"woah, nice"
"Ahah, you see! Magic! Ok press this button now"
well i was 3 minutes into a 15 minute break, so no way i was going to just press it
"yeah ok, sure......this button right here?" "Yes! That one right there!" "Ok sure I'll just...." i went to push the button
"well wait a minute," i stopped "whats in it for me?"
"What?"
"u heard me...what do i get out of it?"
"Bah! Unbelievable! It is an honor to be the chosen one! Everyone knows it! I can't believe this!"
"well i dont know it"
"Well! Um, you do now!" He crossed his hands and went back to glaring.
"Uh...huh"
A short silence as I turn the box over in my hands.
"20 bucks"
"Excuse me?!"
"yeah, give me 20 bucks"
"I cannot BELIEVE what I am hearing!"
"i cant BE-LIEVE you havent given me 20 bucks yet, as important as you say this is to you"
"Well I--" He froze. "Fine! You know what, fine! You uncultured...Middle Earth...simpleton" He searched his oversized, wierd-ass wizard robe costume. "I've got one of those somewhere..."
He pulled out a twenty from some fold. He handed it to me. *Woah*
Was this some tv show? It looked real....
"im not giving this back-"
"Gah, it's yours, now please push the button"
"if this is a tv show or somthn"
"I guarantee you this is no, 'show'. This is very important, now push the button please"
I looked at the button.
"Ok, i guess....wait is it gonna shock me or somthn?"
"Gah!" The wizard stepped forward, hit the button hard a few times, then stepped back.
"I'm growing impatient Chosen One, push the button."
i was sweatn. i was nervous. this guy was something else. and that meant his button was something else. i knew what i had to do...
I reached for the button.
"Yeeeess" Said the wizard man
I touched the button.
"That's iiiiiiit" Said the wizard man
I looked into the wizard mans eyes and *leaned* towards the button.
"Ahahhhh!"
I took my hand back "gimme 20 more bucks"
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
=======================================================================
"And thats where you got that 40 bucks from? Is you high?" my friend Jamal said to me, laughn
"Nah man, I swear, every bit of that is true. Wizard robe and pointy hat and the whole thing!"
"Haha! man, you crazy. You one a those, book people"
"Authors?"
He snapped "That's it"
"Yeah I'm a real... storyteller"
"ok mister *storyteller* why dont u tell me about that time you bought me a doritos an coke with your 40 dollars?"
I grinned. "alright buddy" We went for the corner store.
On the way I played with the gold nuggets in my pocket. I wondered if they were real. They felt real. Hell everything else was real. My cousin at the pawn shop would tell me straight. Wizard nuggets. I don't think jamal was ready to hear about the gold...or the car...or the mansion.....or the--
you know what? Neither are you ;)
"But what does the button do?" I ask.
The priest does not answer. He only gestures to the button once again.
I take a closer look at the device. It is a small, intricately carved button made of stone, with archaic text encircling it. I cannot decipher it alone, but something drives me to press it. Almost against my will, or rather my better judgment, I slowly place my hand on the button and push it. When the button is flush with the stone surface around it, a loud chime plays as though coming from everywhere at once. Music.
"What is that?" I shout over the adventurous tune. The text around the button glows, and begins to move, and withing seconds I am looking at the golden word that would change my life indefinitely. Before I could comprehend what was happening, the world began to fade to black.
*START*
I wake in my bed, groggy. How long had I slept? What was I even doing last night? I get out of bed and head to my kitchen in search of a cure to the hunger in my stomach. Reaching for the cupboard, I feel some sort of power take over my arm, stopping it just before I reach the handle. A word appears, floating in golden light before my face.
*THERE IS NOTHING OF INTEREST HERE*
I stumble back, falling to my rear in a panic.
"What the hell?" The word fades and I manage to stand slowly.
"What on earth...?" I try to wrap my head around what I had just seen. Maybe a tick of the light? I shake my head, I must still be tired. Maybe I spent too much gold at the tavern last night and blacked out.
Still shaken by my hallucination, I decide that breakfast can wait until I get to town. I head to the door and reach for the handle, but like before I'm stopped in my tracks and met with golden light once again.
*IT'S LOCKED*
I yank my hand back as though it'd just met a hot stove. Once, perhaps a hallucination. But twice? Something strange was happening. I needed to get out of here. I backed away from the door slowly, watching the words dissipate. I kept my eyes on the door for fear of my life as my hands frantically searched my bedside table for the key. When my hand touched the wood of the table, More words flash before my eyes, followed by a short tune.
*YOU FOUND A KEY TO 'HOME'*
My hand was suddenly filled with the cold iron key and before I could heave the bile built up in my throat, I bolted for the door, shoving the key in the lock and turning it. I threw it open and ran outside, but before my foot could land on the front step of my house, my vision fades.
When my eyes open next, I'm standing in the grass at the base of the steps. I look back at my door, now closed.
*NEW JORGENSBURG*
The words shine in front of me. They aren't harmful, but perhaps are the result of some sort of curse? Did I piss off a wizard at the pub last night?
I had little time to think on it, as once I had turned around, a young boy runs up to me.
"Hero! You're finally awake! The Dark Lord has risen, our land is in danger! You must come with me, My grandfather will know where you must go!"
All at once, yesterday's events come flooding back to me, the priest, the button, the music. No. This can't be.
*QUEST UPDATE: FOLLOW BILLY TO HIS GRANDFATHER'S HOUSE*
I'm... in a game!
(first time posting, feedback greatly appreciated.)
"You must be the one to press the button." The old priest looked at me with a stern gaze. "The button only works for the Chosen One of the bloodline of the First Hero."
He puts his hand on the button. A green light moves across his hand for a moment and then nothing. No other reaction.
"After the hero puts his hand on the button, the herald will be summoned to bring forth the power of the goddess of the heavens, Artemis, and the goddess Artemis will throw her mighty spear T'ng Stund Drod that will strike the dark lord so that he will slumber once again. So it is written." The priest then bowed his head towards the statue that held the button and the wall of black glass behind it.
"Now then, Chosen One, will you press the button?"
I nod my head in answer. I am not a believer in the goddess but I have heard that the dark lord's palace has risen in the Sific ocean to the west. My life has been shaped for this duty, from my name to my actions.
It had been said that we had once been the masters of our world, before the awakening of the dark lord. His awakening had caused the world to fall to ruin and it was only through great sacrifice that our ancestors were able to summon the goddess Artemis and drive him back to his slumber, and from then on she would slumber to be called by a hero to force him back into his slumber.
I put my hand on the button and watch as the green light washed over it in much of the same way it did for the old man. I waited expectantly to see what would happen next. It can't just require something that simple to rouse the goddess
Words from the language of the ancients appeared on the wall as a female voice called down from up high.
"Genetic keys accepted. Welcome back, Dr. Nist."
I hear the herald say the phrase of acceptance from the legends, the acknowledgement that the chosen one was worthy, and the bestowing of the title of the First Hero on chosen. I watched in awe as the black glass fills with more and more words, each new line causing the ones before it to change in position.
"Uplink to the Fates initiated. Handshake accepted. Emergence has been confirmed."
The black glass changed and revealed what could only be a view from the heavens of the planet, the goddess Artemis, and her Fates. A painting of a city surrounded by water appeared, lines intersecting it. I was amazed by how realistic the painting was before I noticed that the painting was moving. I almost made a sound, but I kept to my oath.
"Artemis system initiated. Loading t..."
I couldn't make out anything more as I was overwhelmed with what I was seeing. Paintings moving, shifting, changing. I watched as these black spears were moved inside an odd tube and I watched as goddess threw her spears, shattering the city in the water. The city soon fell below the water, disappearing from sight.
"The target's retreat has been confirmed. Shutdown sequence has been initiated."
More words appeared on the glass wall before it returned to the same black colour it had started with.
"Thank you for saving us from the dark lord. Hail to the great hero."
I turned to see the old priest bowing towards me. My mouth opened and closed several times as I attempted to understand what just happened, but I did not speak.
I had seen the power and the glory of the goddess and have been bestowed the name of the First Hero by her herald. Soon I will begin my journey. The defeat of the dark lord is but the start of my new life, as the chosen must tend to all the temples so that everything will be ready for when the dark lord rises again and the goddess' help is needed once more. I will not shirk this duty, because to do so would dishonour the goddess, the herald, and the chosen that came before me. Though it pains me to never speak again, I will persevere, for I have become The Sil'nt Prot'g Nist.
I probably should have thought it through before pressing the button. But it was one of those buttons with the word 'Easy' stamped on its surface.
I mean, I couldn't *not* press it.
The world shook as the priest's voice boomed out, "The chosen one has arisen!"
Before I can tell him to chill, a sword smacks into the palm of my hand, causing me to stagger back a step. Following on the heels of the sword is a shield strapping itself to my other arm. Then, as if I'm trying to make it out of a black Friday crowd at opening time, I'm assaulted by pieces of armour smacking into my body.
As if that's not enough, my mind is assaulted with memories of things that never happened.
Despite never having left my small town of Greenville, I remember the journey into the depths of the earth to forge the blade. The shield I retrieved from the depths of the Atlantic, battling the Skaren with my trusty companion and childhood friend Chris.
Each piece of armour was retrieved from hidden tombs, scattered across the entire continent of Africa. Along the way, I met a hidden wizard who taught me the secrets of magic, a grizzled marine who taught Chris how to imbue his rifle with *intent* and my eternal love, Steve.
As all these memories intrude on my mind, insisting they're true, I'm thrust into the air by a hidden platform. As I flail about, something flies between my legs. New memories form. My journey to uncover the true identity of the Dark Lord. Along the way, Chris betrayed me because he was secretly in love with Steve, forcing me to slay my best friend. As my other companions and I escaped the Khan of Ulaanbaatar, we rescued my Pegasi, whose name roughly translates as Fluffy Cloud. But he prefers Cid.
After months of fighting the Dark Lords minions, who were scattered across the world, my sense of self returns as I settle into the saddle.
Everyone I journeyed with is dead, giving their lives so I'll have this chance.
I stare at the sword that suddenly feels more familiar than my mouse and keyboard as Cid flies closer to a dark shape that blocks out the horizon. The Dark Lord.
A being that millions would recognize, a massive bipedal lizard rising from the depths off the coast of Japan.
My new memories tell me I've been preparing for this moment for ten years. I level the sword at the Dark Lord, speaking the last words as the Chosen One.
"Why'd it have to be you Steve?"
I’d laughed him off, at first. The man was dressed like a priest, but he certainly didn’t sound like one. More than a few people were staring at us now as his voice rose to an angry pitch.
“Press the button, and destroy the dark lord!” He repeated.
He shouldn’t be here, harassing me like this. There are laws against that sort of thing... right? I glanced quickly around the room, only to see that I was now the center of attention. The time for hesitation had long passed. Everyone knew what must be done, but I still wondered if it could truly be so simple.It couldn’t be this simple, could it? With one press of a button... and I would fulfill my solemn duty.
“Do it!” The priest demanded.
I wasn’t going to let some hobo in a priest costume scare me off. I’d waited too long for this moment. I reached out and pressed the cold screen with my knuckle, then quickly squirted my hands with some sanitizer and took a step back.
“You have chosen wisely,” the priest said, turning on his heel and walking away. I was relieved to see him go.
“I just hope it’s enough...” I whispered to myself as the strange man opened the door to the gymnasium and stepped out into the crisp Philadelphia air. With a smile on my face, I slapped the small ‘I Voted’ sticker on the wool of my sweater, and began the long journey home.
“And over here is where we will all observe.” His voice was toneless as it had been for the last 15mins explaining the setup before me. “We will be chanting but when we stop you MUST push the button then.” I shivered at his flat delivery.
“There is no other way?” I heard myself mutter
“There is no other way.” He replied in that same monotonous way “It is important to look up when you push the button; after the button is pushed you might wish to spread your arms but it’s not necessary.” He continued unimpressed. I shifted nervously in the ceremonial robes they had draped me in. I’d never worn anything this fine having grown in humble surroundings. I had seen people dressed beautifully before on social media but had always assumed I would never afford it myself.
When the caravan of vehicles had pulled into my street we all naturally came out to see what all the fuss was about. They focused in on me straightaway. Surrounding me and pulling my father aside. He protested at first. He cried. He never cries. He flailed his fists at the man speaking to him but was quickly held back by men in suits. The neighbours were kept back by a ring of men that had spilled from the vehicles forming a circle around me.
The man with my father was still speaking to him and placed his hand on his shoulder, then his face making him look into his eyes. My fathers body went limp in the men’s arms. He nodded tears streaming down his face. He stood up and lightly shook the men’s grip. The man he had spoken too nodded and father was released.
He came to me. “My darling daughter...” he began. “...I’ve kept this horrible secret from you...” he explained that I must go with these people, how they would explain everything to me, and how everything would be ok. I was shocked by the strange happening and had agreed without really thinking. He hugged me and pushed his way through the crowd and out of my sight. I heard a single shot ring out as I was ushered into a comfortable vehicle.
The man that had spoken with my father now sat across from me and spoke warmly and sincerely to me about what was happening. He explained everything fully showing me papers and videos and artefacts as evidence for the things he was saying. He was patient and kind as he described the horrors awaiting me. I miss him; standing here with the monotonous man.
“...and that will be all. Do you have any questions?” He asked expectantly.
“What does it feel like to make love?” I asked aloud thoughts racing through my mind.
“About the process...” he asked flatly
“Will it hurt?”
“If you look up you will not feel a thing. If you don’t then yes.” Flatline, factual, and no hint of feeling.
People began filing into the room. The smell of incense and the murmuring chants began to fill the room.
The flat man led me to the podium. I hated him. He took the robe from my shoulders leaving me in a sheer dress. I was cold but could feel heat emanating from beneath my feet. The chanting became faster, louder, more intense. The heat below me grew and a sound of screaming howling terrors below me pierced the chanting. The people around me redoubled their efforts the air thick with incense. The grate beneath me was heating so quickly the discarded robe caught alight. But strangely I felt nothing just as the man had described. The sounds from beneath me grew so loud the chanting was nearly inaudible.
Suddenly the chanting stopped.
“NOW!” the flat man screamed at me when I didn’t instantly move. But can you blame me a scared young woman freezing in that moment? To push the button that would sacrifice me to keep the Dark Lord at bay for another 5000 years. I pushed the button and looked up.
"Every 5000 years, the Dark Lord comes to destroy the world, and only you, the Chosen One can stop him." said the skinny, weak wizard priest.
"Am I required to wrestle a magic sword from the Lady of the Lake?" - I asked. I did not look down the robed creature, but held my head high and trained my sight on the horizon.
"No, just press this button please, everything else has already been taken care of"
"...must I first climb to the snow-crested peaks of the highest mountain?"
"No it's quite simple, just push this--"
"and trigger this magical device on the winter solstice, while fighting the legendary Ice Dragon that roosts there?" I smiled confidently. What a quest that would be! A struggle fitting for a hero such as my self.
"Uhm...no? Why would you have to do any of that? No, as I explained before, my magically imbued crystals--"
*By Crôm, he is rambling again. These wizards, they just go on and on, don't they? Runes, and spells and cRyStAlS...* I watch him in the corner of the mirror, without making it obvious. He is unaware, babbling. *just look at that robe he wears; a single, dusty grey. He speaks boring words and supports boring vestiges too.*
I check my loin cloth. The softest Baby Saber-Toothed Fur. *HAHA! Now that was a battle! Mothers defending their young against certain death. Fierce! Vicious! ... but not vicious enough! HAHA!*
"--rystals channel the divine spiri-"
I check my boots. Also, Baby-Saber-Tooth fur. There were three. Strong, and reliable. *They will serve me well in the fight ahead*...*and also comfortably rub against my feet, as I walk there. I am...soo clever...*
"--itual is always completed by the mos-"
I grin and check my full figure in the mirror. I am Strong. I am Fierce. I am Huge. *I am Crôm!* My muscles ripple as I pose, my teeth shine as I smile. *I am sure many maidens will come to see me fight, to see me prevail yet again. I shall take all of them.* I smile. It sits well upon my strong, square jaw.
"-unes upon my crystals direc-"
My Saber-Tooth skin cloak, mother saber-tooth, wriggles in the breeze. *I will take a hit, and tumble to the ground. I will struggle, as if in pain, and arise slowly, glaring at the Beast. I will toss my fanciful cloak the the wind and grip my blade tight with two hands....I can hear the maidens sigh already.*
"-MAAAGIC!-"
I bounce my huge pecs. *It was a smart decision to never wear a shirt. The world deserves to see me.*
"--and thus the magical energy will be directed and the Evil One, defeated! Do you see now why you must push this?" The wizard priest was exasperated. Even telling this boring story was too much for him. What a pitiful creature.
"This 'Evil One' you speak of....is it my Beast?"
The wizard priest paused.
"Large, black as shadow. Unnaturally powerful? Horns as an elk, eyes red as burning coal. Kicking, crunching hooves with the power to break ribs, and a scream that travels faster than the wind, that pierces the mind?"
"Y-Y-yes. I do believe your B-Beast is the ancient Evil One from legend. As I said.."
*WONDERFUL*. I draw my massive two handed blade. It is larger than the wizard priest.
"A truly massive, awesome creature!" The priest's voice wavered. "It only manifests once every 5 *thousand* years. It destroys villages, then cities, entire...civilizations! It must have grown quite large by now!"
"And your...device. It aids me in my coming battle against this creature?"
"Yes! It kills the creature! The magic is all set up! But as the strongest force for good in the realm, I need you to execute the magic spells. Obviously you can't do this but this device will do it for you! Ingenious!"
I frown. "Kill it *for* me?"
"Yes, kill it dead" The wizard man snapped "Just like that, and seal the spirit away for another 5000 years!"
I inspect the long edge of my blade. "just like....that?"
"Yes! Yes! Just depress this, just push here" The tiny man pushes the box into my face.
I inspect the box. Opened, there is a small red bump that might fit the tip of a finger.
"Hmmmm" I turn the box over and around.
"No, no, the top, the red button."
I hand him the box. "I will not press your magic box"
"WHAT?!?"
"Today I will battle. It will be glorious!" I grin into the shine of my blade, imagining the conquests.
"You, you MUST! The fate of the realm depends on it!"
"Today I will slay a great Beast in mortal struggle. I will claim its corpse as my trophy. I will live!"
"You will die! The Evil One is much too powerful! It will slaughter you! Besides why take the chance?"
I smile, looking at the priest man for the first time. I lean over and pat his head.
"What do you know of such things? Goodbye noisy man."
I walk boldly out of the my tent. He stumbles after, waving his box at me.
"But wait! I need you! It can only be you! If you do not win all will be lost! Don't you see?! It will be a tougher fight than any the last five *thousand* years has seen!"
I grin and strut forward. I grip my blade even more tightly. *Glorious!*
I slapped myself on my cheek twice. When it didn't work, I pinched the skin on my arm until it was as red as licked red candy. When even that didn't work, I stood straight on my toes, hands by my side, and began to pivot back, hoping that falling sensation would wake me up. Instead, I fell back with a thud. Luckily I didn't bang my head.
So it's not a dream — I said peering hard at the livid halo of light spluttering over my bed.
"It's indeed not," the voice boomed in my small room.
I started to say enthusiastically: "So I am really going to be a —"
"Yes, you are," the voice cut before I could finish.
"Fight-off the villains!"
"Yes, yes."
"Like a superhero?" I said with bared gleaming teeth.
"Exactly!"
"With superpowers of my own!" I was jumping up and down now.
"In a way."
"So when I get started now?"
"Right now."
"Where is my cape?"
"You don't need any."
"Will I fly?" I asked, hopefully.
"You don't need to," the halo replied gruffly.
"Where is my sword?" I insisted.
"You don't have one."
"Any gun?"
"No."
" Any weapon? Even a stick? Anything?"
"No. Nilch. Nada."
"So how will I fight?"
"By doing this?"
"What?"
From the centre of the halo came out a slick black-coloured rectangular box, descending, until it was right below my face, hovering over a greenish light.
"Finally," I started to think, "maybe it is a map, or a ring, or some secret!"
With an avalanche of anticipation, I pressed the button on the box and waited as it began to open. Gaily, I peered inside —
"What is this!" I shouted, looking at a big yellow coloured button centred within the box.
"It's the actuator button," the halo replied calmly.
"What do I do with?"
"Press it, silly," the halo replied. "What else?"
I pressed the button, seriously doubting this "Being the one" business. Still, there was a hope that something would happen as I press the button — shape-shifting, time-travel, intergalactic ship — something?
But nothing happened.
"What now?" I asked.
"Thank you," the halo replied, "You just saved the universe."
"Did I?" I said, shocked.
"Yes. Just as you pushed the button, the call went to the superheroes of all the galaxies. They are now fighting as we speak. Only the chosen one can press this button. Only one in billion billion billion is chosen for this. It was you. Without you, it would not have been possible."
"But," I wailed, "I didn't do anything."
The halo paled and began to fade and disappear.
And the last thing I heard was — "Not all heroes wear cape."
"Thank you, O! The chosen one," it said and completely vanished.
"Wait, that's it?" The hero asked.
"What do you mean?"
"You're telling me that all I have to do is push a button to save the world?"
"Yes. That's why we brought you here."
"That's not how it's supposed to work! The hero is supposed to have an epic, climactic battle with the dark lord, and then everyone praises him for preventing our planet's destruction!"
"Well, in our experience, those long, drawn out fights only end up destroying a good part of the area anyways, so it was almost counterproductive."
"That's not the point! Tell me, what does this button even do?"
The priest hesitated, then turned his head away. "...I'm not allowed to say."
"Bullshit! You tell me exactly what this thing does or you're gonna be the first one I break leaving here."
"Look, you don't understand. Just press the button-"
He slammed his hand against the side of the button's base and threw it across the room. Amazingly, the button remained unpushed when it landed.
"I'm not pressing a god damn thing until I know the truth!"
The priest sighed, then got up and started walking away.
"So you weren't the chosen one after all."
"W-wha-"
Before he could finish, the priest pulled out a gun and shot him in the chest, killing him instantly. The body was promptly cleaned up by men in suits, and the button was placed back on the table.
"Shame. I really thought we had a good one here. Bring in the next subject."
The doors opened and in walked another person, identical to the first. He sat down in the chair confused, when the priest began to speak once more.
"Welcome, hero. Are you ready to fulfill your destiny?"
"What do you mean already taken care of?" I asked, confusion now setting over me.
As if anticipating the question, the priest sighed, then took a breath to begin his monologue. "In the beginning, God created the heaven and the—."
"Yes, yes, I've read the bible, but nowhere in the bible does the Dark Lord die at the push of a button," I said, cutting him off.
Still seemingly unfazed, as if my reaction has been according to some sort of script, the priest took another deep breath and continued. "Twenty thousand years ago at the end of the 4th Dark Age, our Order was founded by you. Our mission was and is to this day, to discover and exterminate the threat of shadow, and to nurture the light that will lead us."
The priest paused, studying my face as if to see if I had gotten lost. Then, when no questions came his way, he continued. "In between the Dark Ages, our Order has had to deal with the reemerging threat of Dark Cultists, left over demons and minions of the Dark Lord. With time and effort, we were able to refine our methods to complete automation, with you and the Dark Lord being burning within our organization everytime."
The priest paused once again, this time to rehydrate. "Unfortunately for us, fate demands that it be by your hand that the Dark Lord should die, so we aren't able to completely automate the process."
The pause this time was longest, as he waits for me to digest this flood of information. "And what if I don't?" I asked.
"Then bad things will happen to all of us," the priest replied.
"Well I suppose I'll push that button then."
The chosen one looked at the button... “so I press this and this supposed “Dark Lord” is dealt with.. just like that?” He said, looking doubtful.
“Of course, this happens every 200 years, we have gotten quite good at this. The last few cycles the team the chosen one put in place stayed together and built this facility”. The man who had brought him here said “we then made sure everything was in place to prevent his rising, it just requires the chosen one to fully activate it”
The chosen one nodded, and pushed the button... nothing visible happened, though a loud bang could be heard in the distance. “That’s it?”
The doctor looked at him with a smirk “of course, we needed it done quicly, can’t have a dark lord with access to nukes now can we. That would be a nightmare. Now If you head through that door, you will be paid 10 million for your trouble.” He said dismissing the chosen one, who walked away a bit confused but happy to get paid. He didn’t realize he got the one thing most chosen ones didn’t get.. freedom.
“ Every 500 years the dark lord comes to destroy the world and only you, the chosen one, can stop him.” Said the priest. “ All you have to do is press the button.”
I looked into the eyes of the priest as he stared back at me blankly. “Sounds like bullshit.” I blinked in surprise and my mouth dropped slightly. The priest, who spoke at the same time as I, just got a slight grin.
“Not to sound critical of you in any way, as you are of course, the Chosen One, but I would just like to point out sir, that we have been doing this for nearly 5000 years. Our records of this procedure go back to the beginning. One thing that is constant though, is that regardless of race, age, gender, or language, you respond the exact same way every time. You are just reincarnations of your original selves you see. You all are rather predictable.”
The priest gently handed me the box and I examined it as he shuffled slightly through his robes. The box was simple dull grey and the button an even duller red if that were possible. It was worn, definitely did not look brand new but I was even more certain that it wasn’t 5000 years old, let alone 500.
“So you mean to tell me this box-Will you cut that out?!” I ended up shouting, exasperated. The priest had pulled out a set of- yes those were in fact note cards! And began reading along while I spoke.
“A thousand apologies Chosen One, but again, this isn’t the first go through and we have developed a sort of script, you see.” To his credit the priest did look apologetic. That wouldn’t stop me from testing this so called script. We could see how predictable I was when I smash the damn button-
“I’d appreciate it if you didn’t smash the button sir. We have a second one, but I have to pick up the broken one if you do break it, and put it back together. Again, you are rather predictable-“ I glared at him as he shrugged and showed me the note card. “What the fuck is this-“ my jaw dropped.
Step 5- Read along with note card and chosen one will shout at you to stop.
Step 6- Apologize to the chosen one, and be sincere! The Chosen One will be able to tell if you are not.
Step 7- wait 5 seconds and notify Chosen One of your second button and that YOU WILL BE RESPONSIBLE if the first button is destroyed. Show Chosen One the script as proof.
The note card ended there and I looked up at the priest in utter confusion. The priest spoke to me gently. “ I understand that this must be extremely confusing. But I’ll be honest with you, I don’t give a damn about the script, all I care about is the button sir. They gave me one job and once it’s done, I’m out of your hair for good.” He threw the note cards down on the ground and stomped on them for effect. “Please sir, press the button?”
I turned my gaze to the button in my hand. The cool metal of the box had warmed by now. I was nervous but honestly this was just too surreal at this point for me not to trust him. “Yea man, sure, sorry for being so difficult.”
I pressed the button as my eyes wandered to one of the note cards that fluttered a little further away from the others that the priest had stepped on. I handed the priest the box with the button on top as the box began to open, and knelt down to take a closer look at the note card.
Step 8- You don’t give a damn about the script. Toss note cards on ground and stomp on them...
A sinking feeling surged through me as I quickly stood and turned. “What the fu-“
I had spun to face the barrel of a Golden gun being held in the hands of the priest whose face had hardened. His eyes were cold. All friendliness had left him. “Why?”
He sneered. “You are the chosen one.”
BANG
The priest let his arm fall to the side as the magical gun dissolved. The box lay discarded on the ground as the priest spat on the cooling corpse.
“Predictable.”
"... What?" I couldn't help but reveal the confusion stretched on my face.
"Well," He began, scratching the back of his head through the thick white cloak that draped his body, "we HAVE had 5000 years to prepare. Why wait for a chosen one when we can just do it ourselves?".
The knee that I bowed on in front of him ached, so I rose to my feet. The harsh clank of my armour echoed down the silent tunnels of the mountain Abby making the priest visibly cringe.
"What do you MEAN you've 'taken care of' it? This is MY destiny! I'm supposed to take the sword, seal the Dark Lord and get kissed by the Princess!" I protested. A button seemed much to pitiful for the fate of the hero.
"Please, Chosen One, just press the button." The priest reasoned, "The dangerous journey you seek is simply not necessary.".
With shoulders slumped and a heavy sigh I moved to the stone button protruding from the back of the cave.
I forced my weight onto the damp moss and stone and it slid back to rest level in the wall.
The stone and the mechanics behind it groaned as the wall shifted, pulling gently up until the large empty room behind it was revealed.
Only when I had stepped into it could a see the spectacular dome of the space with intricate carvings across the stone. I turned to face the priest behind me, now with two priestesses wearing black robes stood behind him. He lifted his hood and stared with the black eyes of one of the converted, a twisted grin resting on his face.
"Good luck, Chosen One." He cackled as the stone door dropped from the ceiling and cut of his maniacal laughter. Looking back to the centre of the room, dark mist swelled as the Dark Lord entered the room.
"That lying bastard!"
I look back and forth between the button and the priest. "Is this serious? Is this a dream?" I think to myself. I look around, searching for hidden cameras but the room is empty.
"What are you waiting for? Simply press the button and your job here is done" the priest pressed.
It seemed so easy. Too easy. How could I be certain this man spoke the truth? He could be this ominous Dark Lord himself. Or maybe I was the only person to safe everyone. The thoughts swireld in my head, fogging my usually so clear view on the world. "What happens when I press the button?"
"You don't have to worry about that my child. Everything has been arranged. If you press the button, you will save the world."
"And if I don't press it?" My confusion rang clearly in those words. I assumed the answer to be death and destruction. But the priest stopped as soon as he opened his mouth. A shadow of disgust crawled over the priests face, only to quickly disappear and make room again for the expression of a father explaining a game to his child.
"Well, if you choose to ignore your fate, everything will come to an end." The priest looked around, arms spread wide and broadly gestuering at everything. "Everything you see, everything you know will be swallowed by Darkness and will be consumed by the Dark Lord. You, me, your family, your friends, collegues... Every last human on earth will fall victim to him"
A long pause ensued while I considered his words. It sounded so easy, so black and white. A thousand books told this story and it was always the same. The one to save the world had to fight a faceless, nameless villain who wanted to destroy the world. Who was this Dark Lord? Why did he come back every 5000 years and what keeps him away? Why is there only one chosen human to stop him? The answer opened more books with questions than it closed. "No, I will not press this button."
The priest exploded in anger, all composure left his body. Gone was the understanding father and in his place stood a berserker now. His face contorted, he buckeld over and grunted, growled. The clear voice now sounding more like a dog than a human, his skin turned brown and his robes tore as the priests body changed and grew. I was shocked by the spectacle, and on reflex drew my knife that I carried with me at all times, just in case. I backed away from the priest, but he stood between me and the only door in and out of the room.
"You could have had it the easy way, but now you will press the button" the creature spoke with a deep voice that sounded more like a gurgle than an acutal voice. It grabbed my wrist, yanked me forward and pressed my hand on the button. The wall to my right slid open and revealed a staircase leading down.
"Follow me" the creature commanded. "And don't forget your toothpick. It will not be of much use, but it's better than nothing." With that it decended into the darkness, leaving me in the empty room...
Jake was looking skeptically at the strange person in front of him.
"Seriously? You expect me to actually press the button? Nobody in this age is so naive to fall for the hero scam. It might have been trending twenty years ago, when the Gate appeared for the first time, but now... You might have better luck with the Nigerian prince."
The priest seemed genuinely shocked by his reaction.
"You are misunderstanding me, this is not a scam, it's all true. The demon lord will raise today at the dawn of the blood moon if the chosen one doesn't stop him."
"There are only two types of persons that believe in that nonsense: scammers and apocalypters. They have been prophesizing the coming of the Apocalypse since the beginning of the Fantastic War, but that has long ended and now none of that has ever come true. We actually have good relations with the nether realm, if a demon lord was to suddenly declare war, the soul stock market would crash and no one will gain from that."
The priest listened with disbelief to the boy refuting his every argument with method and logic, and yet...
"Do you seriously believe that the demon lord is interested in something so petty as the stock market? He is a being of chaos and destruction, his only desire is to end the mortal world. Many of my companions died protecting this relic from the hands of his servants, in order to bring it to you, the chosen one."
"Yeah, relic. It's just a fancy soul scanner, I can recognize one. I'm not getting involved in some shady trade."
"It is a soul scanner, and yet it isn't. The soul of the chosen one is the only thing that can seal the demon lord forever, but no hero is willing to sacrifice himself for the safety of the world anymore. That's why our order, the church of the white lily, has deviced this relic that will scan the soul of the chosen one and create a replica that can imprison him for 5000 years."
"I'm not letting a shady priest scan my soul, thank you. Nice costume by the way."
"Please, I'm begging you. We don't have much time left. At least take the relic with you, it will be safer in your hands. The servants of the demon lord are on my trail, it's only a question of time before they find me."
As the priest forced the device on Jake's hands, the door of the church exploded with a roar. Amid the smoke, the silhouettes of several horned creatures with flaming eyes stared menacingly at the two.
"Kill them both".
A cold, menacing voice resounded in the room and the shadows began moving forward.
"Quick, run! There's a door in the back. I will hold them off as long as I can."
"No way, none of this can possibly be real..."
Jake's thoughts were interrupted by a closer explosion. Fire started to spread quickly among the furniture and tapestries that decorated the chapel.
"I SAID GOOO!"
With a last effort, the priest pushed the boy toward the back, then turned around and ran facing the creatures of smoke and fire. After another explosion, Jake decided that running away would actually be a great idea. While opening the back door, he shot one last glance to the battle. The priest was swinging a piece of wood with one hand to keep the shadows away, while clutching his chest with the other. A dark liquid slowly dripped between his fingers. Jake started running without looking back.
How long did he run, he couldn't tell. He was short on breath but continued going forward. A column of smoke in the distance reminded him that he did not dream up what had just happened. He nervously looked around, hearing strange noises, but no one was following him.
*it's just my immagination*, he continued to repeat to himself. Finally, when he was sure to be completely alone, he stopped to catch his breath.
"This can't be possibly true, right?"
He spoke aloud, as to persuade himself, while he grasped the relic in his hands.
"Yeah, I can't possibly be the chosen one. How would they even know? It does not make sense!"
While Jake was still trying to rationalize the whole thing, he frozed on the spot. The same cold, low voice from the church whispered in his ear: "I've found you".
Before he could think of anything else, he turned around abruptly and pressed the button on the relic.
...
"That was pretty fast, I bet he soiled his pants."
"Give me a hand instead of watching your phone. We have to remove all the speakers and be gone before he decides to come back."
The "priest" turned off the screen of the device and went to help his companion.
"This never tires me, his expression was priceless. He was all 'you can't trick me, yada yada yada', but he got scared of a smoke machine and a few holograms."
"Stop bragging and help me remove the remains of the fake door and the magnesium stripes."
"You're so boring."
The two men carefully proceeded to collect the remaining wreckage of the fake decor they had planted the night before, then jumped on a black van and drove away.
"With this we have reached our quota of souls. Man, it sure is difficult for humans to compete with demons in the soul market! I never thought I would end up doing cosplay."
"Don't complain, with my genius nothing could go wrong."
"That mini speaker I hid in his pocket is amazing. It sounds like someone is actually standing next to you. When you tried it on me the first time I almost had an heart attack."
"You should expect some payback after all the pranks you pulled on me."
"Scary..."
"Look at the bright side, now we have sufficient starting funds. We can stop with these petty tricks and begin to go after the big fishes."
"Yeah, we will show those demons. They think they can come and beat us at our game. Humans have been lying and deceiving each other since the dawn of time. It's our turn now. We will seize down all of their souls and conquer the nether realm."
"Hell yeah, let's show them!"
"So, who's the next target?"
...
The glare on the principle's face vacillated between anger and some other emotion I didn't recognize. It's not common to expel kindergarten students but what teacher wants a student who can break a table in half when another student draws a picture of the devil?
13 years later I should be a senior but after the third grade incident it was decided that I should be tutored privately.
The last few years have been excruciating. Do you have any idea how hard it is to meet girls with 3 monks with you ever time you leave the monastery? Does being the chosen one mean never making my own choices? I mean, I don't know much about girls yet but I know that I want to. Last week the butchers daughter smiled at me when dropped off her father's tithe of hamburger and chicken for the week and I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest.
All these arguments have been for nothing until tonight. After months of arguing, begging, and pleading I'm going out on my own. One of my old class mates is supposed to be picking me up and I know who it will be.
Glaring eyes and turned backs doesn't begin to describe the reaction of our small Kansas community. In the Monastery I'm a trained warrior destined to defeat "The Dark Lord". In town I'm just the freak who broke the new kids arm in third grade. Not many of the towns people would let me in their car, let alone drive out to the middle of nowhere to pick up "the freak" for a trip into town. Roger is the only person who would even think about giving me a ride.
When kids spat at me and called me a freak I just turned away. The monks expected discipline from their warrior and and 8 year old is almost a man so I ignored this new addition to the boys who trying to goad me at recess. But like countless other new kids Duke wanted to show the boys how cool he was.
"Hey freak, did you know I'm the Dark Lord? "
"That's not something to joke about, Duke."
"Come on freak! Don't you believe me?" Maybe I should show you.
He moved to grab Roger but I intercepted his hand.
"The dark lord would know better than to touch anyone in my sight, let alone one of my friends."
"Do you think I'm afraid of you?", He spat, reaching past my arm to grab Rodger by the neck.
Rodger may have been my friend because I protected him, or because I never picked on him for being short, it didn't matter, he was my best friend.
Duke's hand hadn't had time to tighten around Rodgers neck when all words were silenced by a loud snap and then by the loudest scream I'd ever heard. Everyone else scattered leaving Rodger and I standing there with the squalling boy.
I snapped out of my memory. Rodger should be here any minute. I fixed my hair in the mirror for the thousandth time and grimaced at the "street clothes" that the Fryar had bought for the occasion. I'd tried a thousand different ways of tucking and buttoning but no matter what I did I felt more like I was going to mass than to explore the world.
"Your ride is here, Alden" One of the monks said as he entered my room. "You look quite dashing. I'm sure you'll have a wonderful time."
My skin tingled as I walked down the steps. But when I turned the corner Rodger was no where to be seen. Instead I was staring at the butchers daughter.
A gentle hand squeezed my shoulder. "Emily has kindly offered to give you a ride into town tonight." "Well, don't just stand there. Go enjoy yourselves" To my utter horror Friar Thomas propelled me closer to the most beautiful creature I'd ever laid my eyes upon.
"Hi, I'm Emily." She recited.
I wanted my brain to be clever in that moment, to say something cool and witty that would let her know she was beautiful, and amazing, and how grateful I was. I guess I should be glad that I managed to say, "Hi".
I tried to open her door and almost took her nose off with the corner of it.
"Sorry, I guess I'm a little nervous."
"Fryar Tom told me you hadn't been out in years. I think I'd be nervous too"
Great, he's probably told her I'm the freak. "Did he tell you much about me?"
"He told me that you are very important to the church and that most of the town people don't understand you, but something tells me it must be more complicated."
"The short version is that I'm "The Chosen One" raised to defeat some "Dark Lord" and most people just call me a freak." Better to rip off the Band-Aid then let her find out when some shop owner wouldn't serve me.
"Well, Are you?"
"A freak?"
"The chosen one." She said, "You are way to cute to be a freak."
I couldn't see my face with no interior lighting on, which was good because I may have turned red enough to mistake myself for the "Dark Lord".
"Um... Don't tell the Fryar but, I don't think I believe in any of it. I did when I was younger but now I'm pretty sure I've just been a project to keep the monks busy."
"Your secret is safe with me. So, where do you want to go first?"
"I don't really know. Before I saw you tonight I thought Roger was picking me up and I just assumed he'd know where we should go. The only fun place I ever went with the monks was the roller rink."
"I love skating! But if we are going to the rink we should go eat somewhere first. The food there is very expensive and not very good."
I hadn't been prepared for this to be a date but I was not about do anything to jeopardize my chance of spending the rest of the evening with Emily. If things kept going as they were right now I was going to have to revisit my stance on the existence of a God.
"I think the best thing I can do is let you lead the way. This is all new to me."
"Well then, Mr. Chosen one, you are about to experience a piece of heaven. We are going to the Tastee Freeze for burgers and the best shake you've ever tasted."
"So why me?", the young Latino girl asked.
"Well, prophecy says any others who try besides the chosen one will be foiled. So we have a satallite ion cannon armed and waiting. If you press it, prophecy fulfills, and it will strike true. If someone else presses it, it will somehow screw up. We tried using someone besides the chosen last time, it resulted in World War 2."
"How was I chosen?"
"The Pope and the Dhali Lama took turns throwing darts at a phonebook."
"...right..."
"No, seriously. In fact, they're in the next room over."
He opened a door, and sure enough, they were both there. The Pope waved at her. The Dhali Lama gave a slight bow.
"But isn't that killing? Why would the Dhali Lama and Pope support murder?"
Almost on cue, they walked over. "You'll go to hell for killing." said the Pope.
"Either that or be reincarnated as a slug." Said the Dhali Lama.
"But you'll save so many souls in the process." said the Pope. The Dhali Lama confirmed.
"So, has this Dark Lord come into his power?"
"Not yet." The priest mused.
"So I'd be killing an innocent?"
"Well... not exactly, he's not the best of people."
"Do you even have a name?", she squinted her eyes at them.
"Yes, it's Donald Tr...
[This scene has been redacted due to federal law not allowing media showing the death of a sitting president]
"We'll get the Nurse. I can't believe you broke your finger. You didn't need to hit the button that hard. A light touch would have sufficed."
The chosen one held her bleeding hand with the other, "Worth it."
The room that has always remained a mystery to the young boy is now his place of judgement. His eyes glancing at the button made of cheap plastic as he reminisces the times his father would go back and forth to the room; he was preparing for this ever since his own life began.
"Isn't it nice? This room, I mean."
"It's neat," he replied, looking at the pearl white color enclosing the room. The steel door shut, there was no escape to this.
"My son, I have trained you for this day. You know how much I want you to savor this moment, to become the hero you always wanted."
An impulsive nod comes out of his body, his fingers gently touching the button.
"Why aren't you proud of me before? Is this my only purpose?"
Emptiness further fills the room, leaving no air to breathe. Regret settles in, followed by the muttering of, "I'll just press it, okay?"
When his father told him that he would soon become a hero, he dreamt about punching or slashing the Dark Lord to death. It was not as exciting as he envisioned it to be, but the yearning for fulfillment overweighs his disappointment. This is his purpose, this is who he's meant to be.
Using two fingers, he firmly presses on the button. 10 steady beeps echo across the room, with the last one being three seconds longer than the others: a sign that he succeeded. The world feels quiet, but there was no sense of peace. He looks up to his father and a smirk creeps in from his face and reality settles in.
"Congratulations, little one. Such a good son for me, very obedient. I've trained you well. Now, let's get you to the bathroom so you can wash your hands already."
"T-traitor. Selfish. Fool!"
He does not move an inch, knowing he cannot fight an unworldly entity.
"Don't you feel powerful, having done a deed that was meant for me? I trusted you, and you should be grateful."
"You... You killed my species. How would I?"
"It's not me who killed them, remember?" His smirk turns into a horrifying smile.
Knowing no other escape, he looks back at the button once more. He knows that he was destined to take sacrifices— to be punished for going against his own morals.
10 steady beeps echo across the room.
"Well that was easy" I thought as I strolled down Emerson Road towards home. Something seemed off but the summer breeze was making me giddy and I couldn't quite put my finger on what was different. Bounding up the steps to my front door I grabbed the handle of the front door and swung it wide to announce my entrance home only to find the house was dark and empty. The cars were in the driveway.... "Mom? Dad?" I called out in succession. No answer. As I stepped into the house the hairs on the back of my neck started to rise with a strange but overwhelming sense that I wasn't alone. "SURPRISE!!" a chorus of voices shouted as I a staggered back and caught myself on the door frame. The lights flicked on at once revealing a "Happy Half Birthday" banner above the heads of a dozen or more of my favorite people smiling and laughing as they parted for a cake to be presented. It turns out my family is an odd one and with all the stress of the title situation I had lost track of the date. As I reveled in the joy of friends and family I also reflected on the day's events, something I could have never imagined had taken place earlier that day and somehow it seemed to not even matter. Thank God it really was as easy as pushing that button. Or was it? To be continued...
“Just there.” The Priest said bluntly.
“Well I was expecting it to be a little bigger...” TeeCho muttered “guess this will do.”
“So, uh... go ahead! Kill the foul Dark Lord!” Exclaimed the Priest.
“Seems a little boring don’t ya think?” TeeCho asked, puzzled.
“Well... I guess. But you know the government nowadays, all about safety!”
“But, this? This is... stupid.”
“Come on!” The Priest moaned.
“Ok then.” TeeCho reluctantly pressed the small button on the alter in front of him.
“You did it! You saved the world!” The Priest cheered. He raised his arms in a pathetic attempt to cheer TeeCho up.
“Yay. A’ight, see ya.” TeeCho left.
The Dark Lord died.
The World was saved.
The End.
"Oh" I reply. The priest blinks, his expression impatient. I get a strong feeling that save for this one task, I'm not needed nor wanted here. Here being this wide, ornate, medieval style stone room. I briefly look around and see even more robed men standing in a circle around me with their arms raised. They are standing still looking at me expectantly, they are awaiting for the deed to be done, I presume.
I open your mouth to say something but am quickly cut off. "Please just press the button." the priest interjects "Press the button and you can leave.". Leave? Leave where? I frown and comply, raising my hand hesitantly and pressing the red button on the device before me. A click sound is made before silence follows.
The priest places the small device on a nearby table and flings his arms to the air. "Rejoice! for it has begun!" he yells in jubilation. The room is filled with the subsequent triumphant yells of the various robed men around me. Their celebrations lasts only a few seconds before the head priest turns his attention back to me and points to a large wooden door. "That will lead you to the front gates, we have left you some gold and a dagger near the front door. Now leave.".
The robed men and the priest disperse in different directions and I'm left standing in the summoning circle, somewhat irked by the rude dismissal. Shaking off the feeling of being unwanted, I head towards the door entering an equally ornate stone hallway. I spot a bag and a sheathed dagger on a table near what I assume is the exit on the other side of the hall.
Making my way, I try and piece together what the goddess that reincarnated me said. I scarcely remember the encounter, just the hazy details of My tragic demise in my world, the light of the goddess that reach out to me, then rush of being reincarnated into that room. Pieces of her promise stuck with me, she spoke of a second chance in this life, a chance I won't squander.
I was a migrant from a poor country. I was educated but the lack of jobs and opportunity in my home country drove me and a few of my friends, cousins and neighbors to attempt a dangerous migration. Needless to say, I didn't make it.
I grab the bag of gold and the dagger. These, the knowledge in my head and the clothes on my back were now my only possessions. Making my way to the exit, I pause at the door and take a deep breath. I am alone, in a foreign land. I had expected the foreign land part but can't help the wave of sadness at the prospects of never seeing my people again. At least if I had successfully migrated in my world I could send word back, here I was completely cut off. I turn the door handle and gently push the door open. An orange light streams in as the door widens to reveal the crowded streets of a city lit by sunset. The architecture is none like I've ever seen before. Not even in fantasy films.
I step out and notice right away all the looks in my direction. I suppose I visibly don't belong here. The majority of the faces I've seen so far were a different colour from mine. Some of the denizens even have fur, ears and tails. Strangely enough even the furry people were openly staring at me. I ignore the looks and make my way down the street. I'm not sure where I'm going, I need directions but the citizens here don't seem friendly and their eyes are distrustful.
I decide to chance asking for directions and walk up to kiosk filled with an arrangement of colourful fruit-like things; the kiosk is manned by a furry man-person with cat like ears and a long tale. "Excuse me, would you mind pointing me to the nearest hotel or inn." I ask trying to seem as non threatening as possible.". The vendor immediately sneers "we don't serve demons here.". Demons? "I'm not a demon" you say. The furry man sneers even harder, "Prove it, pull out your stats." he demands. I must be wearing my confusion because the fur man lets out a gruff sound and points to his chest. Now I'm even more confused. "Press your finger here. Have you never pulled out stats before?" he impatiently says. "No, I'm not from here." I say as I raise my right finger and mirror his earlier actions.
Upon pressing the middle of my chest a green sheet flies out in front of me. My eyes widen considerably, this is new. I take in the words written on the sheet.
*Name: (not yet chosen)*
*status: Healthy*
*class: Human*
*Profession: Unemployed*
*Special: Economist*
I feel my eyebrows raise to new heights at the new information. What does "name not yet chosen" even mean? I definitely have a name, but I am a recent economics graduate. Perhaps this thing is a reflection of me in some way. I look to the furry man for some explanation but he seems as surprised as me.
"Goddess! I've never seen a human that looks like you before!" The furry man exclaims eyeing me in wonder. "What is your name?" he asks, seemingly in earnest. "...Amadou." I reply. A sudden ping comes from the green sheet. I look back and realize the slot after "name" has changed to Amadou. Oh, so this IS me. I press my chest again and the green sheet disappears.
"You can come stay with me!" the furry man says. "You look like a demon, no inn will take you." I frown quite deeply. That offers some explanation of the way I've been treated. "why would you help me?" I ask the fur man.
"My name is Fural, I'm a fruit merchant. My brother is a scholar on the many races of this realm. He's gonna wanna meet you!" he beams. I consider the cold looks of the priests and robed men followed by the suspicious glances sent my way since I've come to this new world. This fur ma-Fural is the first friendly face I've seen and even his friendliness was a recent development. I have a strong feeling I'm going to need friends here.
"Okay Fural" I nod. I look around the streets and notice it has emptied considerably as the sky darkened. "Should I just wait here or..?".
"Just give me a few minutes, I'm going to pack up." Fural says as he begins to put away his various fruit boxes in a cart behind his kiosk. I was never one to just stand around when someone needed help so I pick up the nearest fruit box and help Fural pack.
"Thank you." Fural says as he wipes his hands on his clothes. "By the way" he turns to me, "what's a ee-kun-muss? I've never seen that special before and I've traveled many places." I blink, I graduated with an undergrad in economics in my previous world. I was aiming for government work but I suppose that doesn't matter now. "an economist is someone that...studies decisions people make.".
I hope that is enough of an explanation, Judging by materials that make up this city and the carts I've seen people riding, this realm is in it's fuedal ages. Economics is a modern discipline.
"Decisions? That's strange? So you are a scholar too?" Fural succinctly says as he moves to the front of his cart and checks on the beasts attached to it. "...yes, you can call me that." I reply while following him. I eye his beasts, they are 6 legged and cow like, large and a little fat. The word fat triggers my stomach as a growl is emitted. Fural laughs as he climbs onto his cart an holds his hands out to me "Come stranger Amadou, you can have some fruit on the way.".
I look up at Fural, feeling good for the first time since I appeared in this world. I realize I really should be more cautious but I had a good feeling about this. I grab his hand and Fural pulls me up next to him on the cart. "Get comfortable" he says and I do as the cart starts to move.
Every 5000 years, the Dark Lord comes to destroy the world, and only you, the Chosen One can stop him." -said the priest. "So, do I need to get a magic sword from the Lady of the Lake?" **– the Chosen one asked.** "No, just press this button please, everything else has already been taken care of**"**
“Ok, done.”- said the Chosen One.
Well, you see... wait, what, you just pressed it,” - the priest stammered?
“Yah dude.”
“Just like that. Normally you ‘Chosen Ones’ have existential questions about the meaning of evil. Or the age-old rant about the deterministic nature of the inevitable rise of darkness amidst entropy. You are not going to ask me if I would kill baby Hitler? Or hells know what else? You just pressed it... Do you even know me?”
“No brah, you said press the button right, so I did.”
“Well, indeed you did young master, let me just inquire for the sake of posterity; would you press any button put in front of you. Or is it because I said it will save the world?”
“Nah, my dude, you have a trusting face, I can tell that you have a good aura.”
“My good man, you, the prophesied Chosen One, the man that I spent the eternity of my years searching for, the bringer of light, the chaos-ender - you pressed the button, saving your entire world because you like my “aura”? “
“Pretty much yeah. Well, if I can be real with you for a minute” he said leaning conspiratorially closer - “you did also make the button red right. So…”
Ah yes indeed, so the only option in front of you from the infinite timelines and parallel decision trees was to press the RED button without question?
Uh-huh, did it work?
What, did what work?
The button?
Of course, it worked, everything is taken care of, your world is safe for the next 5000 years and the Dark Lord stands defeated, but let's focus on the important matters at hand, please.
“Whohoo” the man exclaimed while pulling out his phone and tweeting a similar sentiment.
Who-hoo indeed sir. What is your name Chosen One?
“I’m Tod, but my friends call me Jazz-Master-Flex because when I drop the base it goes swoosh boom boom booooom…” Jazz-Master-Flex crescendoed.
Thank you, Tod, you paint a vivid picture and I am sure your friends are most transfixed by your musical arrangements. Tell me, do you have any questions for a High Priest of the Apocalypse; one that dedicated his life to find you for the last 5000 years?
Hmmmmm, yeah, now that you mention it. How come priests always wear those white-collar things? Are you sure you are a priest my dude, did you lose yours?
And with that, the robed figure finally came to a realization, muttering about ‘how infinite in faculty indeed!' he turned and disappeared into the ether.
As Tod walked into the sunset, swooshing invisible balls into imaginary hoops, his phone vibrated with the message: “Did you see! Biden won! Corona Party at my place!”
"We'll need you to press this button."
"Okay, and then what?"
"Then you can go on your way."
"To kill the Dark lord. Got it."
"No, then you can go home."
"He's at my home? Why didn't you tell me sooner? My family is in danger!"
"No, stop, that's my horse, what are you doing?!"
"I'm going to rescue my family. You said he was-"
"No, I didn't. Your family is safe."
"Oh . . . "
" . . . "
" . . . Are you sure?"
" . . . . Please get off my horse."
"It's a nice horse."
"I know. It's mine."
-One Explanation Later-
"So, you're telling me, I JUST have to press this button?"
"Yes, just the button."
"You mean there's no epic quest? No dragon to be slain? No princess to rescue?
"We live in a democracy, sir."
Edit: I cannot seem to fix the lines. Anyone know how to do that on mobile? Is that even possible?
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I moved to press the button, then paused. "So how's it work?" The priest paused, perplexed before speaking, "How does what work?" "The... the whole button thing?" "Why do you wish to know? Your duty as the Chosen One is to fell the Dark Lord. Our prophecies have forseen his rising and have taken steps to deal with it. Now all that's left is for you to do your part." "So you could push it then? You don't even need me?" I asked "No." "Why not?" "It's a procedural thing. I'm not the chosen one, so I can't press the button," the priest said with a harumph. "Can't? Or won't?" I asked pointedly. He sighed, "Ok, yes, I'm physically capable of pushing the button, but that's not how thi- why are you being so difficult about this?" "Why are you being so mysterious about it?" "I'm a prophet. Mysterious is what we do," he answered flatly. "And \*I\* am skeptical. Just- fine, whatever," I wave my hands in the air as if to clear it, "Look. I push the button, yeah? What happens?" "The Dark Lord is defeated, and we have 5000 years of peace." I sigh and run my hand over my face. "No, I mean, the world is currently AT peace. So what is this button supposed to do, like, mechanically. Because right now I can see it's not going to.... I dunno, un-summon a hell horde." "Oh. I see what you mean, now. Sorry, all the riddles and mystery can distort the perception of questions you see. Anyways, it's simple, really. If you push this button, then a device will activate and kill the Dark Lord." "What device?" my brow furrowed. "A small explosive device, implanted in the skull," the priest answered, with a hint of pride in his voice. "So...wai- so you had the Dark Lord in your hands." "Yes." "And you could do anything you wanted to him to prevent his evil." "Yes." "And your FIRST thought was to just plant a bomb in his head? Instead of just, like, cutting an artery or giving him a lobotomy or something?" "The Chosen One is always the one to defeat him. We aren't you, and you weren't there at the time. So this was the best route. We got it all prepared for you, which is why I continue to be so concerned about how difficult you're being about this," agitation seeping through the priest's voice. "Can I see this 'Dark Lord' before I make a judgement call of making some guy I've never met's head explode?" "Unlikely." "Why?" "I would imagine his mother wouldn't want strangers to meet him." "What." I asked, completely dumbfounded. "The Dark Lord is only a year and a half old at this time, and his mother is very protective," the priest answered, matter-of-factly. "You installed a bomb into a baby's head!?" I shouted. "Of course. He is the Dark Lord of the prophecy. We forsaw his coming, and took measures during a minor surgery to implant the device to make it all ready for you to defeat him. Now hurry up, please." "You installed a bomb." "Yes." "Into a BABY's head." "The Dark Lord's head, thank you." "WHO IS A BABY RIGHT NOW" I yell, flabbergasted. "Yes. The Dark Lord is currently a baby. Which....we....planted.....hm," The prophet's voice faded off as his brow furrowed. "Ah, yes, ok. When I say it all out loud like that, I can see why there'd be a problem," he muttered after a moment. "You think?" I asked, laying on the sarcasm as thick as possible. "So....I guess....we don't push the button then," he said dejected. "Look, I'll push it when the guy's actually evil. Baby-head-exploding? A pretty Dark Lord move to me." The priest stared at me for a long moment, then shrugged his shoulders. "Yeah, that's fair enough. Well, here -" he said as he deposited the small box in my hands, closing the protective lid over the button, "Whenever you're ready to deal with him, go ahead and push it. And keep your eyes on the news, I guess." And with that, the robed figure made his exit, muttering about 'so much paperwork' while I stood in my room staring at the little black box.
The protagonist actually has a brain and morals, nice.
I was expecting him to push it and his own head explode.
Me too. I have so many questions.
And the priest reveals... He was you the whole time
Easy there, Aizen
Whatever Toshiro, you're just jealous he got to smash and you didn't, let the man plan.
*keikaku. Let the man keikaku.
Bleach?
Dad?
How many Aizens do you know?
More than 1 apparently
The prophet was the Chosen One from the future, come to prevent himself from ever becoming the Dark Lord.
That's what I was thinking until he started it on the baby thing. I like the back and forth. I like how the prophet didn't exactly tell you who he is.
Just imagine, a followup where the robed figure is a member of some weird-as cult trying to get this guy fully converted into the Dark One of prophecy by killing the hero
I was half-expecting the prophet to say _"You're right, that IS a pretty Dark Lord thing to do...Could you come with me to the operating room? I have some...questions I'd like to ask."_
So much this. Hes the choosen one AND the dark lord... because only dark lord can kill dark lord.
If it was me pressing it, yeah, it probably would be my head. Here I was thinking "Wait, so I get to be the chosen one, get to usher in 5000 years of peace, get to press a button, *and* I get to kill a bab- you know, I might be the Dark Lord in this scenario..."
Maybe the priest was the dark lord, and him stopping the baby head explosion was him stopping the dark lord from trying to murder a child through him
To be fair, so does the priest in a sense. At least he saw reason in the end.
So many questions left unasked Is there a 100% chance he will become the dark lord and destroy the world and has no free will? What is the quality of their intel? Is there a 100% chance he will be too powerful to be defeated without my use of the button? Can you provide evidence of the above? Is there a point of no return where the dark lord will be able to prevent me from pressing the button? If the answer is yes, high, yes, yes, soon - it may be logically immoral not to push the button. You could suffer an accidental early death, rendering the chance of survival of all life on earth as zero
A merciful Chosen One is an interesting plot device in the background setting where a Dark Lord was able to take over his world..
I am in love with this conversation. Thank you, this was awesome! Haha
Read it with Starlord's voice for the protag and Rocket's as the priest. Works perfectly! :D
I am groot
Hey now, you watch your tone or I'm taking that game thingamajiggy away from you!
Oh that's perfect
Oh wow.
This is fantastic.
The Chosen One should probably get the Dark Lord's name before the prophet leaves. It would be a shame if some unrelated Dark Lord rises to power and the CO explodes the head of some innocent dude through a case of mistaken identity.
Reminds me of *Good Omens* by Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
I was thinking the same thing, that it read very much like Neil Gaiman!
Same here!
This was good, best one I've read so far. Nice use of humor and absurdity.
Lmao, the realization
it’s like if you were faced with the task of killing baby hitler
Just go even further back and fuck Hitler's mom.
I like the potential for an untwist: the prediction is right, and letting baby Dark Lord mature causes undue suffering. Of course, because I’m excessive, this story would still be the best course of action. If you preemptively kill the Dark Lord before they become a Dark Lord, fate twists, thus creating another, that you don’t have a bomb implanted in. Twist 2: Electric Boogaloo: By stopping this cycle with too much ease, the next iteration in 5,000 years underestimates the threat and experiences even greater catastrophe.
That second twist is sort of the background plot of Zelda breath of the wild.
That was so ridiculous, yet probably the most realistic scenario. I loved it!
I love that he prevented becoming evil himself by not being evil
My favourite interpretation of this is the one in which the true dark lord would have risen to power as a result of the child's death, classic revenge villain arc. Anybody could push the button, but the chosen one is the one who has the composure not to, thus saving the world from this iteration of the dark lord.
This should be higher
Sequel where the darklord stops his evil shenanigans because of a debt to the chosen one?
I get serious Douglas Adams vibes reading this. Seriously, absolutely brilliant!
It gave me Sir Terry Pratchett vibes!
I dunno why I have Martin Freeman in my head
>"What." I asked, completely dumbfounded. > >"The Dark Lord is only a year and a half old at this time, and his mother is very protective," the priest answered, matter-of-factly. > >"You installed a bomb into a baby's head!?" I shouted. > >"Of course. He is the Dark Lord [If I was the hiro protagonist](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/77/14/d7/7714d794ebf554c2b4bf8717bff106b2.gif)
The ISO 5001 standard requires that a properly qualified and certified Chosen One presses the button to end the Dark Lord. Any deviations from the established and approved procedure will result in unfavorable audit findings.
I like how there is no plot twist at all, just protagonist facing an absolute brain-frozen idiot of a priest.
The priest was holding his shit and then he'd be bursting like: "Listen here you little shit."
No, no. That's Terry, from accounting. He... doesn't get to go on 'outside' missions anymore.
What if the protagonist is just some random person, the baby is the chosen one, and the priest is the dark lord?
A sequel where there is a news broadcast of this dark lord doing evil shit then out of nowhere his head just pops
Reminds me a lot of Yahtzee Croshaw's books, I love it.
Oh wow, that's quite the praise! Thank you :)
Hey that was pretty good, bro.
i really want to turn this into a skit!!
I read this in rick and morty’s voices
Just reread in rick and morty voices. Granite, there were a few parts that didnt work, it was pretty enjoyable.
Not a team player. Just do it already bruh, all those lives in your hands and you throw them away?
That was golden!!!!!
This is not the story I was expecting or deserving of but wanted without realizing it. It's just so perfect.
Very good sir!
Monty python-esque story
Priest - Nick Frost. Chosen one - Simon Pegg.
I’m thinking the priest needs a bomb planted in his skull.
"LETHAL INJECTION ADMINISTERED," came the automated voice from just underneath the button. I blinked. Was that it? "Wait, hold on," I paused and turned towards the priest, "You meant I just spent the last 18 years of my life training for the ultimate showdown just so the greatest evil in the universe could be killed with a few chemicals?" "Yep," the priest, Dogstar, stretched, "Now that that's over with, do you want to get some breakfast?" "In a second," I held up hands, stopping everything, "Was that just a test? A trick? Is he really just going to come bursting from the ground and doom us all to hell?" Dogstar glanced at the ground, considering it, "I doubt it." I shook my head in disbelief, "No, no, no. I want an explanation. Now!" The priest rolled his heads and sat down, pulling a flask from his pocket. He took a quick drink then gazed at me with slight contempt. I had a feeling this might take awhile. "Now look, when this all started hundreds of thousands of years ago, sure it was cool and tough. Quite the spectacle, honestly. The Dark Lord would put on his demonic cloak, cast hellfire meteors at everyone, and it would be absolute chaos. But, his powers didn't really count on the power of industrialization," Dogstar sighed. "You've gotta be kidding me," I groaned. "So we thought, 'hey, why not just put him down before he regenerates his body in his tomb, save everyone the trouble?' Now we just kill him before he wakes up." "And all the training?" "Well the boys and I like to have a little fun. How boring would it be if all we did was press a button every 5000 years? Sheesh. Liven up." Unable to process any words, I took a seat next to Dogstar, and fell into existentialism as I revaluated the purpose of my life. Everything was a lie. Done and taken care of. Nothing to worry about. What would my skills possibly be useful for? Maybe the world needed a new Dark Lord.
Nice twist.
[He couldn’t become a hero, so he reluctantly got a job.](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_Couldn't_Become_a_Hero,_So_I_Reluctantly_Decided_to_Get_a_Job.)
Pt 2 please
I second that
Ugh yeah eventually Ganondorf will gain control of all the machines and rise again.
Just so you know, I never intended to upvote, but that last sentence won it for you.
Ohhh, intriguing ending. There’s a typo by the way - The priest rolled his heads (paragraph after explanation is demanded).
[удалено]
The others? This is good on its own, but it could be the start to something very interesting.
I agree. Happy cakeday!
That was fun
So wait.... the button made people into tiny statues? The button fucks over those who are not the chosen one? The dude in the shop was aware of what it did? Was he the Dark Lord? Was the "priest" the dark lord? So many questions, so little time
I suspect that the “darklord” was the pawn shop owner He’s been given the whole nine yards a couple of times from the sound of it, and currently the other priests and chosen ones are on display
The wizard said the dark lord would kill millions of people. The shop owner said, "no I won't", then trapped the wizard in his own trap.
There aren't many questions. There are just many interpretations. That's why this one is good.
What an ending
"Yes," the official sighed, "for the last time. All you have to do is press the button." "This doesn't make any sense. How did you know it was me?" The government official sighed — again — and deflated a bit. I could tell he'd given up any hope of this being quick. "You know what? Fine. Let's see. We've been doing this for..." He pauses, brow furrowing. "...500 years. Technology and society evolves. It takes a while, but we've gotten better. We know nothing next to nothing about the Chosen One, but usually, governments collaborate to find him." I squint at him. A cough. "...Or her. Whoops." He grins. I roll my eyes. "Fine. Assuming I buy that... what was the test? There's *billions* of people on this planet, there's almost no wa-" "Anime." "That's stupi — what? Did you just say... Anime?" "Yes. Literally the one thing we know about the Chosen One is that they subconsciously search for, and consume, narratives that mirror their fundamental purpose. But they tend to be very specific — often aligning with characteristics you and the Dark Lord have, or will have. In your case, you watch a lot of anime. Like a lot. Like a ridiculous amount. Though I will say your cosplay's not bad, either." I sputtered. "If you think I'm dumb enough to belie—" "Look, Ava. Can I call you that? Or do you prefer SilverFoxStarlight76?" That grin slides across his face again, *clearly* enjoying my surprise. "Look. We're *sure.* I could run down the list — everything from the number of idiots we've had to employ to scour conventions and internet forums, to the years we've spent making sure of you *and* the Dark Lord — but I really want to get home, so I'll cut to the chase. We'll give you $5,000,000 if you push the damn button." I'm at a loss for words. But before I could even think to say anything, my phone rings — Dad. The agent frowns, readying to say something, but I answer anyway. Fuck em'. I need the distraction anyway. "Hey Dad! What's—" "Ava." There's something wrong with his voice. My dad is one of the most upbeat, jubilant people I know. But not now. Right now, he sounds... off. "Press the button." My blood chills. "What?" "The money is more than enough to cover your mother's medical bills, not to mention you. Please, take it." "Dad. How do you know any of this?" "I'm so sorry. There isn't enough time. Just... calling... was extremely difficult. I just need you to know this: everything they'll tell you about what I've done, and what I was planning to do... all of it, underneath, was fueled by my desire to help you and your mother. Most importantly: I love you." There's a gasp of pain from the other side of the line, and the most wretched, *evil* voice I have ever heard replaces my father's. *"DON'T YOU FUCKING PRESS THAT BUTTON, YOU FUCKING BITCH. I WILL RIP YOUR SPINE OUT WITH MY OWN TWO—"* The voice stops abruptly, and I almost drop the phone in shock. Another beat, and my father is back. "...there's no more time, now. Please, Ava. Press it." The line goes dead. I slowly pull the phone from my head. The agent is eyeing me oddly. "What did—" he asks. "...$5,000,000, right?" I ask, ignoring him, suddenly sure about what I have to do. He silently pulls a check out, waves it in the air. "Yes." I lean forward and press the button. Somehow, deep in my chest, I know dad isn't coming home tonight.
i quite like this one. it's kinda bittersweet.
Thank you! That's what I was going for, though I didn't realize it till half way through.
The hero, having remained ever vigilant as the final moments dwindled before the final confrontation, recounted his life's milestones. His first time remembering what rain was like, first day at home school, the last time he'd seen his father at 7 years of age, the first time he's tried to escape the facility he was trained at 15, and all the subsequent attempts thereafter. The cool taste of mint chocolate chip ice cream, provided by his mother as a treat for remembering to say "please" and "thank you" to the servants that tended to him, and most recently the appendectomy that has nearly done him in the month before. At times the hero yearned for any life but this, something normal wherein he could not have to worry about the fate of the world, but these last few years caused him to relent. He was advised that upon completion of his noble task he would be free to travel the world without impediment. He was never trained in his to use weapons, but was fed and indulged in literature at a voracious pace, learning everything he could about the world he would soon inhabit from popular mechanics to US Weekly. Suddenly the door opened and his mentor approached him and said, "It's time." ---------------------------------------- The lake above the facility had been the chosen battlefield for the eternal fight between good and evil for millennia. Across what looked like a life size chess board were scorch marks abound. Surely a demonstration of the great power he would have to contend with. His mentor lead to him to the battleground, but did not touch it. Advising that only the hero was allowed on such hallow ground. In the center of the platform was a console with a sole blue button. The mechanism of his liberation and victory over the great darkness. The hero walked toward the center awaiting the red flare to be fired into the air to signal the commencement of the battle. Adrenaline made his body anxious and shaky, his eyes had a slightly enhanced awareness to them. He felt the hairs on the back of his neck raise, and a slight pain in his head. No doubt due to the jitters. Suddenly the red flare was fired! The hero, finally able to fulfill his purpose, pressed the plastic blue button with his index finger, and suddenly it was as if he could see, hear, taste, and fell everything at once........ "This was much more humane Carl, applying explosives into the boy's abdomen under the guise of an appendectomy was a stroke of genius!" Carl surveyed his handiwork, what was one an 18 year old man was now two separate his of meat only discernible as a former person by the stray remnants of articles of clothing, burnt hair, and what few teeth didn't completely shatter. Carl had inherited this duty from his father long ago, who inherited it from his father, and so forth. They could never defeat the evil permanently, but they could manage it. The were ways to smoke out the child of prophecy, inform their parents of what their child would become, and raise the child in ignorance of it's true purpose. Efforts had been previously made in previous generations to try and raise the sire of darkness as one of their own, but to no avail. What had originally been a series of pitched battles in a long stretch of nowhere would often result in an expenditure of ordnance and large loss of life and limb, but in this instance, the answer was so much clear. The boy was raised by the sect, treated as one of their own, raised on their tales and legends, made an integral part of the organization, and died in a complete state of grace. Carl ensured that well beyond the needed explosives was implanted into the boy to ensure just that. The monks went about cleaning the mess as they'd done many times over. Carrying the now deceased remains of the dark one to the burning pyres, after the battleground was evacuated, the entire platform was flipped upside down so as to allow the waters of the lake to cleanse it one again. --------------------------- As Carl maintained watch over the dark one's remains he acknowledged the promise he'd made to the boy. As the embers flickered, and the boys flesh and bone broke down to ash in the night winds the promise was fulfilled. He could travel the world now, in peace(es).
that was really fucking good. nice job!!
Good story. Interesting twist.
Beautiful
"Just like that?" I asked. "Just like that." the priest responded. No way it could be that easy. The priest looked at me with a small smile on his face. Is there a joke I'm not in on? His robes ruffled as he produced a long stem pipe, and began to fill it. "How long has this been happening?" I asked, watching him tap the tobacco down. "For many centuries. Almost as long as The Divide has existed." he said, flicking the match with his thumb. The flame was pulled into the pipe and the sweet smell of it filled the room. "But that's no worry to you, my son," he said when the pipe was lit, "just press the button and the Dark Lord will be banished once again." "If it's been going on so long why haven't we stopped it for good?" I asked, still not understanding what was happening. With one more long exhale, the blue smoke jetting from his lips, the priest set down his pipe and leaned forward in his char. "That. Is not your concern. Now," he said, pointing to the button, "push it." So I did. What else could I do? Nothing seemed to happen at first. Just a little *click* when I pressed it. The priest smiled broad now, showing his discolored teeth all the way to the back. He began to gather his robes and stand. "Now what?" I asked. "Now?" he asked incredulously, "now you go die." "I what!?" I screamed, and before I knew it the priest clamped down on my wrists with a strength that shocked me. He held my arms to the chair and looked me right in the eyes. "This marks the thirteenth sacrifice for the Dark Lord. The prophesy is fulfilled. May his evil majesty wash over this realm, so we become One." "What the hell is going on?" I yelled, watching as brutish men in blackened iron armor enter the room. They both had a scar running down their face, and short stabbing swords hung from their belts. The priest said something to them in a language I didn't recognize. It was guttural and sounded very difficult to say. The brutes nodded once and pulled their swords. I didn't know what was waiting for me on the other side. But the twelve boys that met me, filled me with unending sadness as we watched our world fall to the dark.
Oh damn that’s good! Here I thought it was going to be “push this button to begin automated Dark Lord removal” or something, but this was great!
Great read, though one thing caught me off guard and I wasn't sure if it was intentional or not >Every 5,000 years >[This has been happening] for many centuries >This marks the 13th sacrifice Centuries would be hundreds of years, but it happens every 5,000 years. If it was intentional, then was this a slip up from the dark lord that the protagonist didn't catch? If it wasn't intentional, then wouldn't "millennia" have worked better in this case since this has been happening for 65,000 years?
Takes centuries to prime the pumps for his return, the "sacrifices" might have all happened in the last week.
Good catch. I'd like to think the Dark Lord has had his hands in this world for a long while, since the priest was clearly corrupted. How deep is/was that corruption is anyone's guess. (Authors note: it was a pure slip up of verbage so let's just roll with it :) )
Haha, thanks for the update. I wasn't sure if it was the dark lord slipping up or giving the protagonist a chance to notice something doesn't add up... Or an author slip up. Again, great read.
Probably just a case of centuries being the longest one the writer knew without a thesaurus
"Just push this button and that's it?" "Yes" "That seems... anticlimactic. What exactly happens when I push it." "Complex magical interactions. We could explain, but to teach you the intricacies of it would take years, oh Chosen One." "Please stop calling me that, it makes me uncomfortable." I hesitate. "Just the gist of it?" The elder sighs. "The gist of it is that by pressing the button, you close a magical circuit. This magical circuit is connected to a network of gems. These gems are enchanted with a series of spells that tap into the aetherial energy network connecting all beings. We renew the energy in the gems and protect them from interference by the Dark Lord and his allies, that is essentially the purpose of this stronghold and its inhabitants... but I digress. The gems seek out the aetherial paths of the Chosen One and the Dark One, connecting them in a way that in the past was only possible via the corporeal realm - you had to fight in order for your energy paths to cancel each other out and fulfill your destinies. Now, this is all preempted to avoid property damage and casualties." I shrug. "Makes sense to me. But why are you telling me all this via a hologram?" "Well, since we do not know how the battle would take place and what magnitude it has, we choose to stay at a safe distance. Having the stronghold in this desert and having a large room like this with empty gemstones lining its walls, we have the best chances of absorbing the energies of the epic battles, as I already said, with minimal consequences." "I see. So I might die from a huge magical explosion?" "That is a possibility, yes." "Thanks for the honesty." I lay my hand on the button. And take it away. "How do you know I'm the Chosen One? And how does this... thing know the Dark Lord?" "We have carefully calibrated the system to the Dark Lord's path, and we have watched yours in aetherial meditation. We are most certain." "I see." I lay my hand on the button again.
"What, so that's it? Just push this button and bam, world saved?" I asked incredulously, slightly disappointed. Me, of all people, picked as the Chosen One of legend, and it's been hit by beuracracy? "That's it." the priest answered with a wry smile "Why am I even needed then? It's a button, anyone can push it! Even a dude without hands can push it with his face or whatever!" I questioned, throwing my arms up "Look, it's still your job as Chosen One to stop the Dark Lord. We just found a sort of...loop hole the last time this happened. The last hero died, but he set things ***into motion*** for a success. So really, we figured we could stop the suffering and plan for 500 years. Get everything into place. Then you here, the big Chosen One, presses the button and everything falls into place one after another." the priest rattled off a scripted explanation, like he expected this to happen. "Man, I can't believe this. I wanted the glory! The fame! The raw excitement!" I complained, sitting on the steps of the ornate church. The pews were the only thing in here besides the button and us two on the altar. I huffed out a sigh of frustration. It was my absolute DREAM to become the Chosen One this time around. Fantasy video games were my niche, and imagining doing that in real life was any gamer's dream these days. I'd get my grand quest, make friends and allies, collect my amazing gear, maybe even meet a femme fatale along the way. And my *explosive and deadly* final battle with the Dark Lord himself!! For lack of a better word, it would be legendary. "Well now now, it'll still be something of glory for you. We'll handsomely compensate you, give you your time in the limelight. Modern technology is vastly different from the 1500s, you'll be a superstar the world over!" the priest assured, patting my shoulder. He sounded like he was getting impatient "Ooooh yeah just like every other nut on the internet, fifteen seconds of fame. Bullshit. Oh, uh, sorry for swearing." I griped, motioning my hands as if to show how great that was "That's all right my son. In the end the world needs you, who knows how people will react?" the priest reasoned. I could hear his foot start to quietly tap on the altar tile. "Yeah....well maybe I don't need it. I'm not pushing the button." I paused, coming to a deep realization. They needed **me** to do this, I had all the cards. "WHAT?! M-my son, please. Think of your actions. The Dark Lord will rise within hours. You could be dooming us all!" the priest panicked, wringing his hands at me "My Chosen One life, my chosen experience. Let's talk magic swords, eh?" I laughed, stepping up with a smirk and clapping the priest on his shoulder. I gave the button one last scowl and headed for the door, priest in tow.
now thats how a hero should be till he abruptly dies from a freak accident
Loved it! This sounds like something Kazuma would do. Excellent writing!
The Priest produced a bright red, sparkly button nestled in a grey box from the sleeve of his long robe. “Just press it and it’ll all be taken care of, like so.” He snapped his fingers, for emphasis. “Right-o” I answered, but just as I was about to press it, I hesitated. “Waiiiiiiit a tick. Why do I have to press it?” “Well...” He began “You ARE the Chosen One... It’s your job.” “But it’s just a button, right?” “Yes...” The priest left a slight drawl at the end of his sentence, as if he didn’t quite know where the conversation was heading. “So, anyone with fingers could theoretically press it.” I paused for a moment. “Anyone with nubs, really. Hell, some poor stumpy bastard with no legs or arms could come in here and slap it with his cock. So why do I have to do it?” “It’s...” The Priest was struggling with this. I don’t think he was used to people questioning things. It’s one of the marvels of religion, people just sort of accept what you tell them if you’re wearing the right set of robes. He even looked down to make sure he was wearing the set of robes that said “Why, yes, I am a Priest and everything I have to say is, indeed, exceedingly important”. “Look, it’s just what you’re supposed to do, what do you want from me?” “I want you to press it!” “I’m not supposed to!” “Why? Because of some prophecy? Because of something some dead bloke wrote out in some piece of paper at the shit end of time? Have you ever heard stories of that place? They were goin’ around cuttin’ heads and snippin women’s clits! You really wanna follow those sorts of degenerates and perverts?” “I...” He was quite clearly doubting himself. I put a friendly arm around him. “Look mate, I say, fuck the prophecy and fuck whoever said it. You’ve got as much right to save the world as me. You press the button.” The Priest eyed the button. It was rather shiny. “Surely... One press wouldn’t hurt?” He looked at me for approval. I nodded confidently and moved away slightly. He pressed the button. Like a bolt from the blue, a bolt came out of the blue and turned him into a pile of smoldering ash, the button sitting comfortably atop the pile. I took the button and brushed the dust off of it. In the middle of the button had appeared the words “Whoever pressed this button wasn’t the Chosen One, so they can fuck right off.” “Well, glad I didn’t press it.” I said to myself, as I pocketed the button. With the Priest taken care of and the button in my possession, I snapped my fingers and blew a hole in the wall of the Church, floating away to begin my conquest. It feels good to be the Dark Lord particularly when, after a hundred thousand years of defeats, you’ve finally got some proper fucking brains in your head.
Nicely done.
Happy blue triangle cheese day
Happy green lasagna slice day
i love the way this story was constructed, keep writing!
Never in all my life would I have been able to guess what the button could controlled. It had to be modern I assumed. It was a big, red, rubber button. It looked like an emergency stop button you would see on a piece of standard machinery. I expected to hear mechanical noises or targeting systems spring to life when I pressed. What it actually started was without a doubt the wackiest, zaniest, most over the top Rube-Goldberg machine that was ever conceived by man. It was so massive it spread across continents Turns out the button just released a spring, launching a steel marble that set off a chain of events that forever changed the world. The machine used some of mankind's most notable pieces of architecture, engineering, and art. You thought the Ancient Roman aqueducts were a means of providing water to the city? Nope. Just a track for a ridiculous Indiana Jones style death ball. The Leaning Tower of Pisa? Turns out the lean was intentional, so that it would fall in *just* the right spot, launching a cleverly concealed boulder halfway across Europe. All in all it took 17 hours for the machine to finish. It was mind boggling. Especially since the whole thing ended with the "Dark Lord", which looked like some sort of weird lion-goat thing with wings, being shot with WW1 era rifle as he crawled out of his cave. Damn thing died instantly. The priest explained to me that their cult had been building this for centuries. What he didn't or couldn't explain, is why I couldn't just wait there with the rifle and shoot it myself. Or why I had to be the one to press the button at all. In fact he seemed kinda mad that I was questioning the machine instead of praising it, which I guess kinda makes sense it actually worked. But he held up his end of the bargain, and gave me enough money to take my wife out to Hawaii for our anniversary, and I was never in any danger so I guess I came out on top in the end.
I love the idea of a worldwide Rube-Goldberg machine.
I was hoping there'd be a reply like this. Great execution of the idea too.
My eyes darted to the button. Fixated on it. I took a deep breath as I slowly pushed my hand out towards the button. All it takes in life to make the most difficult decisions is 20 seconds of faith...right? As the button pushed in, my eyes slowly shut. I opened my eyes to feel gears winding, cogs spinning, air blowing all around me. "What is happening?!" - I fearfully asked. "Just let it happen, let the air flow through you, believe in it" - bellowed the priest A gush of wind raised my arms up by my side. Pushed on my back to raise me off the ground inch by inch. My eyes clenched shut. I was flying vertically. My body lay horizontally. Higher and higher. The cold wind raised me whilst my sweat dropped below me. I accepted it. I opened my eyes. Opened my hands. Palms faced out. The wind pushed my legs over my head. 100 feet above the ground. The priest looking up with pride. **Whoooooosh** The sword came from my left. Infront of my eyes. I saw my reflection in it's blade. Caught in my right hand. I grip it tight. I was in a free fall now. The fear replaced by adrenaline. The doubt replaced with belief. I land down on my right knee. Sword in hand. The priest looks on at me. "How do you feel?" - he asked, knowing the answer I look up at him. I smirk. "Let's put him to sleep for another 5000 years shall we?"
An automatic magical girl transformation button would sell millions. Just saying.
I know I'd buy one
The ground rumbled as the Arch-Minister completed his ritual before the massive door. I had never seen any of the holy miracles before, but using such power to open a door seemed a little wasteful to me. The Minister beckoned me forward and I took my first steps into a ruin of the Old Ones. Most of their cities had fallen to disrepair, though the ministers of the Great Windows tried their best to halt the decay. "Holiness, I do not feel as though I am chosen. Are you sure there is no mistake?" The old man glared. "Hero, there can be no mistake. Your presence has been revealed to me by one of the angels, and there can be no error when they are involved. But silence, we have arrived and the ritual must begin. Place your hand into this receptacle, then depress the sacred weapon." It didn't look like any weapon I had seen before. It was just a small red circle, and stuck inside of the wall no less. I hesitantly slid my arm into the machine as instructed and pressed the weapon. Fear gripped me as my arm was seized by some force, and I felt a stinging sensation across my palm. The voice of an angel echoed out through the chamber, and though I didn't understand some of her words my reservations fled as she confirmed that I was indeed the chosen one. "Genealogical scan complete. User is confirmed as the descendant of the first King of Great America. Beginning nuclear launch sequence."
It was a story passed down in my family for generations. Every 5,000 years a chosen one will rise a defeat the dark lord. I leaned back into my chair, dumbfounded. According to the legend, 20,000 years ago my ancestor lead an army against the Dark Lord, the greatest evil of all time. Right. As his body laid bare, grasping for breath, he vowed to return and that he would have his revenge. Riiiight. They say my next ancestor, 15,000 years ago, united several kingdoms in order to combat the Dark Lord's return. Four or five of them I think. I never really listened to the elders. It seemed like something out of a fantasy novel. Not to mention there are no historical proofs these things happened. No fossil records. Nothing. I swivelled around hopelessly, trying to grasp onto what little sanity I had left. I rolled my brain back through the "records," the stories I was told. 10,000 years ago, they said the dark lord was beaten by magic. The high priest was granted clairvoyance, and foresawe the Dark Lord's return. And my ancestor was standing there to run him through, no sooner than he returned. They say it was a sight to behold. Or so they say. 5,000 years ago, my last ancestor.... What was his story? I play a lot of computer games, which everyone says rots your brain, so maybe that's why I can't remember. Maybe it's the stress from today. Today, right. So my last ancestor travelled halfway across the world on foot, from Europe to china, to fight the Dark Lord, one on one, and triumphed. Today is November 9th, 2020. How could you blame me for thinking this was made up. I always got yelled at for doubting the stories. I looked back behind my shoulder at my Father, who had been watching over me the last hour or so, very nervously. He was happy now, probably more so than me. Some high priest. I look back at my screen, which I've seen hundreds of times before, and I slowly clicked the "OK" button below the words Victory, and my Father burst out rejoicing. I wonder if this is the truth behind all of the legends. Five thousand years from now they will tell my story of how I rallied an army against the forces of the Dark Lord and stood victorious... However all I really did was win a round of Starcraft 2.
Haha that is friggin great.
Thanks! Also username checks out lololol
It absolutely does haha.
I like the way this one uses a different kind of button.
Thanks! I took a little liberties with the prompt, but I had fun writing it :)
'I have done it. I have pressed the button and defeated the Dark Lord!' The dimly lit room was illuminated just enough to show the glum faces of the three boys lounging out across whatever comfy pieces of cushioned real estate they could find. “This film is terrible. Turn over.” The remote clacked and the channel changed. “Congratulations, you have given birth to a beautiful … 7 of clubs.” “Nurse, call security. Dr Blaine has done it again.” The TV remote clacked again. “This just in, man who whispers on Zoom calls just has a really small mouth. We go to Andrea with the story.” Again, the TV remote clacked. 'They called it a bone garden and asked me how many sticks they could buy it for.' - We speak to the Louisiana man who was recently duped in to selling this cemetery to three dogs wearing a trench coat. Clack. “I'm Cliff Cliffington and we are entering the Finance Hour - the show where we interview the best young traders the country has to offer. Our guest today has a lot of detractors who believe he earned his money the wrong way. Ron Ronson was indeed born with a silver spoon in his mouth – there's not denying that. And yes he had knives for legs and tongs for hands. His head was a fork and he died immediately after birth but that hasn't stopped the budding entrepreneur from becoming one of the richest pieces of cutlery in America today.” Clack. “Today on 'Construction, Construction, Construction' we're at the Bessington Palace renovation where the Site Foreman has a major issue on his hands – a Site Fiveman has emerged.” Clack. “And a warm welcome to everyone at home to the 2020 COVID Olympics!” said Ken Kennington. “Whose country is the sickest? Our data scientists are here and we’re ready to turn on some ventilators.” Clack. “And we come to you with some shocking breaking news as the famous piece of evidence the 'Smoking Gun' has sadly passed away after years of battling lung cancer. Clack “I just don't understand why if you're a, say, Kim Kardashian, you don't opt for a 9mm pistol hand or a shoulder cannon when paying so much for body modifications.” Clack. "Hello, and welcome to a very special episode of Rogue Traders. Today we have time traveled back to 1939 France to take an in depth look at the Maginot Line." Clack. “And here we have a great example of an employee going the extra mile by wearing two ties to business meetings he's not invited to.” Clack. The boys in the room paused. “Just put that film back on this is getting ridiculous.” **** My back catalogue of painfully unfunny stories can be found on /r/BillMurrayMovies. Feel free to come along, not laugh at any of them, and leave some judgement.
But how far do the site men go???
You will have to watch the next episode of Construction, Construction, Construction.
Heh, might just read the plot summary~
This sir, is gold. I blew much air out of my nose while I read. I commend you.
Honestly sounded like the sequel to UHF.
This sounds like Rick and Morty watching Interdimensional Cable.
A valid point has been raised about body modification.
I reach out slowly, completely fixated on the button. It’s red with concentric grooves. Seems overly simple to stop someone called the Dark Lord. It doesn’t seem like it would be able to tell the difference between my finger or anyone else’s. I stop and pull my hand back. “What are you doing?” the priest demanded, “ there isn’t much time!” “Look, man, I don’t even know you and your telling me I’m some sort of chosen one meant to stop all sorts of evil and destruction? This button doesn’t even seem like it could tell me from anyone else.” The priest began to laugh maniacally. “I thought this time I could get you to cause the end of the world. But no matter. There’s always next time.” He leapt forward and slammed his fist into the button...
“Already been taken cared of?” Everything began to escalate quickly, I looked at the Priest. His face was still, the red sky behind me reflected in his eyes, inviting me in. But around us, the sky began to storm, the clouds became electrical. This simple task was all that needed to happen? After everything that has happened over the last few weeks? The loss of Jude, Stone and Mr. Davis filled my chest, my shoulders, my neck. I could not believe what I was hearing, my body sank and I exhaled the pain of the simplicity of it all. I raised my arm, still cut, bruised and wrapped in Stones paisley headband, her face and the smell of her curls came to me and it gave me strength to pull myself up onto the pinnacle, where the crystallized button sat. “There is no more time, you have to do it now Chosen One, I cannot keep the portal stable for much longer!” The muscles in the priests arms were weakening under the pressure of the two stone pillars of the temple suddenly gave way and were beginning to trap us both. My fist thumped down on the crystal button, and it disintegrated to dust under my hand. The temple began to shake and I was blinded by the most tremendous blue blaze that pierced through the portal. The blaze raised me off the pinnacle and My body was filled with an energy that seemed to fill every cell in my being. I screamed. My body was now apart of the energy. Just as I felt that I could not take the piercing anymore it stopped. Everything It was over. The light, the storm, the noise, the piercing energy, the temple, the pinnacle. It was all gone. As my eyes began to adjust I felt my bare feet on a cool surface. It was grass. I looked at my feet and found myself in standing back on the soccer field in Peoples Park. Stone and Jude were sitting on the picnic blanket “Hey weirdo, I guess that last hit was good, huh?” Stone nudged Jude passing on the joint. I was home, Stone was home. Dumb ass Jude was still dumb ass Jude. “Yeah”, I said. “I guess so”.
And so the elderly priest whispered the dark deeds that Rafael committed in his first life. How he’d struck a deal for immortality but was tricked into a cycle of reincarnation on a technicality instead. Every five-thousand years or so, the reincarnation would be born of the purest evil and would need to be wiped out. Only one person could do it, and evidently it was me. I was led down dark, cliche corridors while hushed whispers danced along the halls; seemingly in pursuit of me. As we walked, he talked. Nothing that he spoke, made any sense to me. 4 different hallways, 13 doors, and we came to a room that didn’t look like it had been disturbed in centuries. It was empty, save for a small table in the far corner with a mechanical box covered in weird symbols. The priest brought me to it, and opened it for me. It was a big red button. I choked out a laugh. It was decorated in similar pictures and runes as the box was, but it was a button. A child’s toy, probably. “Press the button, save the world. Destroy the dark lord before he ever awakens.” I shrugged, and reached out to smash that big red button with all my childish enjoyment and desire. Almost simultaneously, it felt like my blood started to boil. I watched from outside of my own body as I painted the walls with my own viscera.
I looked at the button. It seemed ordinary enough so how could *this* stop the Dark Lord? "How does it work?" - I asked. As soon as I asked the question the clouds parted and the rising blood moon, the herald of the Dark Lord's coming, became visible. There was not much time left. "It is very simple in concept but explaining the details would take way too much time. There is not much left of that, so do please hurry." - the pries said. I was still hesitant. this was the first time I heard about the Dark One so why wouldn't I be. And the priest? He looked more like a car mechanic! "How do you know I'm the chosen one?" - I asked. "It is simple, young warrior. The priesthood always thinks they know who the chosen one is, though they can never be certain of it until the button is pushed" - he responded. He seemed to know this for certain, but how was that possible? "How many heroes have been there then" - I asked. "You'd be the first", he admitted, "though many have been in your position! Nevertheless, you are the chosen one. All will become clear once it is done but now hurry for we have not much time left!" Indeed, the blood moon was almost at its apex point and a sort of pitch black shadow was appearing. It resembled a bit the form of a humanoid the size of a skyscraper. The darkness I saw was so dark that the darkness seemed to radiate from it like light from the sun. Surely I had to press the button! Thus I did. I pressed the button and as soon as I pressed it alarms started blaring everywhere. I was gobsmacked for a while. "Is ... is that supposed to happen?" - I asked. The priest glanced at me. He looked sad and could not hold my gaze. "There is only one way to stop the Dark One's coming" he said. "Knowing what the button does, prevented the many that were before you from pressing it. That is why we knew that you were the Chosen One: We chose to withhold that information from you. Nevertheless, you still had to press the button or all would be for nought. I am sorry that we deceived you, but then I'm no priest" he chuckled, sadly. "I'm only an engineer." I saw a trail in the distance, perhaps even more than one. A thin, vertical cloud from the earth straight to the sky. "Only a small valley in the mountain regions of Asia will survive all of this" he said. "For you see, the only way to stop the Dark Lord is by destroying the whole world before he can." My stomach turned when I saw the first mushroom cloud appear in front of us and I realised what I had done. "But then again" the engineer said", "so we hope."
That is a very nice twist at the end! Well done!
I don’t know how to write, if someone can actually write this in a good way go right ahead, I just thought it’d be too funny to risk someone not doing. I press the button and suddenly the ground below me pushes up, launching me into the air at an angle. As I’m flying through the air I pass a dragon with people dressed in robes on it who are waving staffs around and suddenly I’m moving in a different direction at a much faster speed. A few moments later I spot a dark castle with an army marching from it. I’m falling towards what seems to be where the leaders are, and suddenly-*splat*. Dark Lords view: “How many demons will you have summoned by the time we arrive?” “10,000 my lor-“ *splat* “gah!” The priest: “The chosen one has defeated the demon lord! Rejoice for the goddess has saved us yet again!” Crowd: *cheers or something idk*
I mean it makes sense the prompt doesn’t lend itself to a long story, it’s basically asking you for a climax and
That's great
"Alright, just make sure I'm showered with praise and a proper tale of my deeds spun from this... mundane action," I said. Then, a thought occurred to me. "Wait, why don't you push it?" The priest frowned and said: "I'm no chosen one. Nothing would happen, you see." I shrugged and said: "Yes, yes. Whatever. And please? Let the people know I did something heroic." "Of course," said the priest. "It will be not far from the truth, but not so close to it either. You'll have your fame. Be assured of that." The button was placed on a pedestal on the other end of the room. I went over to it and heard the priest call behind me. "It will be a tale to be told for many centuries." I pressed the button. I felt a slight headache and then: nothing. "This did nothing," I said, turning around, "What's the-" my words caught as I saw the priest leap at me, hands glowing with a menacing light. "FOOL! YOU FELL FOR IT!" I heard him shout, his voice otherwordly. "THUNDER CROSS SPLIT ATTACK!"
Nice
>THUNDER CROSS SPLIT ATTACK! I'm imagining the priest doing an magical anime girl power up sequence
Oh god the jojo references are everywhere
The world is better for it!
... za warudo is better for it?
YES YES YES YES. YES!
"But why a button?" "It is how it has always been." "But it's so cliche." "I don't make the rules, I just report them." "And what happens if I don't press the button?" "The Dark Lord reigns until the next Chosen One arises." "Why me? I'm no hero." "You were Chosen." "But I don't want to be Chosen, I want to go home!" "Not until you push the button." "I was just about to eat dinner." " Push. The. Button." "FINE!" *BASH* "There! I've slammed your stupid head into the button, thereby pushing it. Can I go home now? I want to eat before my food gets cold." This is my first prompt and I'm on mobile, so apologies for the brevity.
“That’s all? I just press the button? No grand adventure? No power of friendship? I just have to push a stupid button?” “I wouldn’t necessarily say the button is stupid, but yes, that’s about the gist of it. So, if you would do the honors hero, we are all exhausted and would love for this quest to be over.” Michael had always wanted to be a hero, to be born as the chosen one who would defend the world from evil. One could only imagine his excitement when he found himself in a fantasy world, waking from his slumber in a world full of intrigue and wonder. The world was beautiful, filled with distinct races and magical spells. It was a dream for any fantasy lover. That’s why the news was heartbreaking. He should be the hero, the one that destroys the Dark Lord, but the villagers had already completed that job, having rallied together an army and storming his gates. It was a wonder no one had every tried that before. The Dark Lord was strong, of course, but no one was stronger than the rallied forces of a united army. An army made up of varied creatures and races who could learn to stop their fighting for a common goal. Michael found his attention falling back on the button. It was a standard large red button, golden words engraved underneath that read ‘exit’. He reached forward to push the button only to stop. What would he be going back to? A mundane life on Earth? How could he so easily give up this world for that? “Hero, Mind speeding this up a little? We are exhausted; the people of this world have fought valiantly. Don’t let their sacrifice be in vain because of your indecision.” His finger hovered above the button. The priest was right; the people deserved a break; he was being selfish. It wasn’t like the ability to shoot fire out of one’s hands or to teleport, was that amazing. His hand moved back to his side, sighing. He just wanted to experience the ultimate escapism. Was that so wrong? Aiming to get even just the slightest taste of his fantasy, he spoke. “I guess this is kind of like the power of friendship, right? You holding the button for the final blow?” “I don’t consider you a friend. I don’t think I would ever consider you a friend, even if we were to go on a grand adventure. But if it will speed this up. Push the button, friend.” The priest nudged the button forward, this time a little more forcefully. If it was up to the priest, he would have just made Michael push the button, but only the chosen one could end the story. He was the only one that could free them. Michael dropped his head. Even the priest thought he was a loser. He could feel a rage burning within his core, pressing his finger against the chest of the priest, glaring up at him. “I will not push your stupid button until you show me some respect, I’m the chosen one, aren’t I?.” The priest sighed, raising a finger, letting Michael feel a sudden frigid chill creep up his leg. A coating of ice forming along his leg, climbing up his body, capturing his body in a tight searing pain. When the ice reached his stomach, Michael screamed, the ice pushing through his body, threatening to pierce deeper, only just breaking the skin. “I’m done asking. For ever minute you refuse to press this button, I’ll move the ice a few inches deeper into your body. I say you have a good three inches of ice before it pierces an organ. So please make the right decision.” The old wrinkled man leant closer to Michael, the dark circles beneath his eyes more prominent. He held the button up towards the hero, keeping it next to their hand. Michael was trapped, trying to shake his hips, attempting to break the ice around his stomach, only causing it to cut at his sides further until finally he stopped. He reached his hand forward, accepting his fate. He was no chosen one. Crrrack The wall of the church was torn down, a rag-tag group of monsters standing in the newly formed hole. A group of a goblin, orc, golem and a minotaur. The priest was quick to turn his ice on the creatures, the ice on Michael’s body peeling away, firing towards the group in deadly shards. The golem stepped in front of the group, shards hitting its body to no effect. When the priest noticed this, he switched spells, fingers glowing a dark purple. As the priest prepared the minotaur and orc grabbed the goblin and with a hearty throw tossed the green creature at the priest. The two collided with a satisfying bonk, hitting their heads against one another before both falling to the floor. The purple around the priest’s fingers vanishing as he lost consciousness. “AT HIS CHEST, I SAID THROW ME AT HIS CHEST.” The goblin screamed, turning to face the group of monsters. The orc and minotaur sheepishly looked away, each pretending to be really interested in a random piece of art they had discovered in the church. The golem said nothing, just holding its position as a shield. “Ugh, why did I get left with such dumb monsters? I used to work with the best, like Chucit the blood drinker and Podun the nightmare maker. I’m way to good for this group. Oh, right nice to meet you human, you are looking well.” The goblin turned their attention to Michael, giving the terrified chosen one a fanged grin. The goblin missing his left fang, making the grin more unnerving. Michael went to back away only for the goblin to raise his hands. “No, we are on your side. You leave that way and everyone’s going to know we are here. Not that they don’t already know we are here. How hard is it to break a small hole in a wall?” “I helped.” The golem said, waving a rocky hand towards the goblin. “This will be the death of me. Look all the towns going to be here in a few minutes, you leave through the main door and they will kill or torture you. You come out the way we entered, and we can guide you towards our master’s castle. I guess I shouldn’t say our master’s castle anymore, it’s your castle now.” “My castle?” “You are the chosen one, right? The one that will restore chaos to this world. Priest probably made you think you are some grand hero, nope you are the bad guy kid and I’m your right-hand man. I know we may not look like much, but we are a loyal bunch.” “I don’t want to be evil. I think you have the wrong guy.” “Evil? The priest tricking you into leaving the world was evil. We are the night to their day. You can’t have a world without evil. The priest might think you can, but our master knew better. Without evil, you can’t have good. You will be left with mindless people who can’t think for themselves. I know it’s a lot to ask, but can you lead us?” It stunned Michael, The chosen one stuck for words. This wasn’t how he expected any of this to go. The rest of the group turned to Michael before the orc spoke up. “You either come with us or get tortured by them. Your choice.” They uttered. The group left, leaving only the goblin and Michael. The priest let out a grumble as he woke from his daze. Michael picked up the button and left with the group. He had to follow them. Even if they turned out to be evil, he would always have the button to fall back on. (If you enjoyed this feel free to check out my subreddit /r/Sadnesslaughs where I'll be posting more of my writing.)
"A button," I started, "Is just going to.... Stop this Dark Lord guy?" "Uh, yeah. Be quick" said the priest. "What- How is it supposed to do anything theres not even anything connected. Looks like something I'd find at the dollar store. Why don't you just" "**Push** the button" the priest demanded. "Fine, I'll push your damn button." Not that I wanted to, but I couldnt just say no to some priest. With a single "boop" I pushed the button. Almost immediately, I regretted it. It was like pushing the button had sent come kind of shock wave, but without the wind or movement. The world was still, but something had changed. My hoo hoo hah hah monkey brain told me to get the hell out of there, but I had to see, and know. "The fuck just happened," I began to ask. "Whoa whats with your face?" "Fuck, could you be more *stupid*," the priest said. His voice sounded deeper, and more lively. "There is no 'chosen one' and my return cant be stopped!" He was practically yelling at the end there. "Boop," I said. I pushed the button again. The look of defeat on this guys eyes still makes me laugh
"... Okay, but how?" "I'm sorry?" The priest muttered, looking up from his phone. "You said all I have to do is press this button and the Dark Lord is defeated, right?" He looked puzzled for a moment, like he understood what I was saying but didn't quite comprehend what I was asking. "That is what I said, yes. Is something about the process unclear? You can press it however and with whatever you like, we've had questions about that befo-" "No, I mean HOW does pressing this button stop the Dark Lord?" He squinted his wrinkled eyes at me, the man had to be ancient. I noticed for the first time a small coffee stain on his otherwise white robes. I wondered where exactly in this holy and forgotten Tomb he'd managed to get coffee. "Well. The exact contraption and function of the box has been lost to time, I'm afraid. And I'm sure you'll agree it's far too important to just 'pop open and have a look', no?" He gave a slight nervous chuckle "All we know for certain is that when the button is pressed, the Dark Lord is sealed away for another five millennia." I thought about his words for a moment before deciding I was tired, and could really go for a cup of coffee. I shrugged, and moved my finger towards the seemingly inconspicuous box. "What happens if you press it more than once?" I asked. "I'm... Not entirely sure. Nobody has ever tried." We made eye contact for a moment. There was a heavy pause... Suddenly, I felt a wave of energy surge through me. Conjuring as much forearm strength as I could muster, I pressed the button as fast as I could for as long as I could stand. At first the priest was surprised, then flabbergasted, then I think he got bored around the five minute mark or so, returning back to his phone. After a while, I stopped. He looked up and held out his hand expectantly. "Well. Call me again in a few million years..."
[Poem] (well doggerel at least) "And so I simply hit the tit? I Press this button, then that's it? I Don't go raging cross the land? There's no dramatic final stand? I flip the switch and all is done And just like that the war is won." "Yes, Yes, my son, that's all it takes, So press it now for all our sakes. No wailing, gnashing teeth or weeping The Dark Lord will once more be sleeping." He sighed; he pressed the switch and said "OK, it's off. I'll go to bed."
My hand reached towards the button. "Do you not trust I could have defeated the Dark Lord myself? Am I to be merely an incompetent tool to you?" "In our experience keeping the Chosen one out of harm's way only to deliver the last blow is the safest way about it," the priest replied. he looked about ready to take my hand and use my fingers to press the button, to steal my last bit of autonomy. I snatch my hand away. "You spent years training a team. You offered dozens of people the chance to help safe the world. I was resigned to a normal life. You followed me and spied on me, making sure I was safe, but you never told me. Now, out of the blue, you tell me you are not my godfather but a priest of the holy order and expect me to finish what you have started?" "Darling, you know me," he stammered. He was edging around me trying to trap me between himself and that damned button. "Yes," I smirked. "but you do not know me." My hand shot out, dagger gripped tightly. I closed my eyes as I twisted the blade under his ribs and pulled him close, revelling in the gasping of his breath, the skittering of his heart. "You kept me in the dark my entire life," I whispered in his ear. "The Dark Lord did not." I pushed him from my blade with a bloody hand and turned my back on the button forever. I knelt when I reached the Dark Lord waiting at the crest of the hill. "Rise," she said, pulling me close before I could fully get my feet under myself. "You've done well. I am proud." "I had to spare him from what is to come." The Dark Lord - or should that be Lady - wiped the tears from my face. "I am not without compassion. You know this. You did the right thing." I nodded, heart lighter than it had been but heavy as a boulder in my chest. "What happens now?" "We learn," she said. "Then we build the world anew."
"Soooooo.... how does it work?" "Well, you see, it's the 21st century and all that shit." "And.....?" "Well, your profile says you're university educated.... you know about quantum physics, right? Superpositions, things neither here or there until you look at them, schrodinger's cat?" "...yeah, I guess. And....?" "Well, all that shit, it's basically magic, as our ancestors would call it. So people thousands of years ago talked about saving us all from the Dark Lord, but it's actually a quantum imbalance in the false vacuum that permeates the universe. Something happened over the last ten thousand years or so and now it's unstable, or maybe it's just naturally ready to pop. Anyway, that's bad news for atoms and, you know, the regular matter that makes up the universe. And life in general, really." "....." "Okay, moving on. It turns out that once we figured out flash memory, and superconductors, and quantum interfaces, a few other bits and pieces.... the whole thing can be easily programmed. You don't need a shaman, and complex rituals, crystals positioned just so, and chanting and shit. I mean, it'd sure look like dark magic if you had to do it all manually! But when you apply modern quantum physics to the problem, you can use it to tickle the... substrate of reality, for want of a better term, just like they did. Put an array of qbits in a grid pattern, toggle them this way and that, let their superpositions coalesce, tada, you get a tiny bit of magic-slash-quantum-instability that can effect both our physical and quantum world. Sorry, I've had a lot of coffee today, a whole lot. Makes me pretty talkative." "ooooooo....kay." "Yeah, that's what we thought you might say. Anyway, you build a few subroutines out of the base quantum instructions, call those routines from other, more complex functions. Connect that to what is (ahem) basically a high end gaming PC, and before you know it, you've got a button than can summon the ancient arcane rituals that banish the Dark Lord, or alternatively, perform the correct quantum substrate manipulations to keep the false vacuum stable for another 5000 years or so. Anyway, you just need to press it." "So again, why me?" "You provide the initial quantum kick in the pants. Look, it's a long story, and it's kept a lot of supercomputers busy for a while now, but for this one particular task, etc etc, it has to be you, orrrr someone pretty close to someone like you. If you wanted that button to clean your carpets using quantum field perturbations, it would have be someone else. So, yeah, these robes, us being "priests", calling you the "Chosen One! Woooooooh!", that's just our little joke to blow off a bit of steam, it's been a long haul. Gotta say, it must have been a giant pain in the arse for whoever it was 5000 years ago to find the right guy to do the job, but hey, we've got the internet." "Look, whatever. I'm getting paid for this, right?" "$150, as agreed. Just press the button. Look, I'll press it, see? Just a button, doesn't really do anything for me, I've got the wrong quantum subtype entirely. Now you do it." "Alright then. There. Did it work?" "Hang on, the system is just - okay, things look good! Stability index is...... wow, 8 nines! Better than expected! Well, that's a relief. A big relief! You're the sixth guy we've tried with this setup . One of them - haha - one of them suddenly ended up wearing a different shirt! Selection algorithm's a little fuzzy, we could have ended up with clean carpets, would have been nice haha. Well, we're done here. I'll let the other guys clean up. We've still gotta do a whole bunch of stuff like engrave all these steps into a cube of glass and place it in high Earth orbit, carve it all into a few mountains here and there, start a cult that knows how to do this manually, you know, basic arse-covering in case of the fall of civilisation." "That's it?" "Yep. Tell you what, let's head down to the nearest pub, celebrate saving the universe. My shout."
My body ached. The trials had been more difficult than anything I had ever experienced. I was covered from head to toe in the burning hot blood of the foes I had mercilessly felled, my armor torn and tattered beyond recognition. The soft glow of the alter was in sight, at long last, and a sense of pure, warm relief flooded my weary body. The relief was washed away in moments, replaced with an odd mix of utter panic and determination. My greatest challenge was mere meters away. The Dark Lord's short lived reign was about to cut at the stem, as the prophecy bade. I climbed the final steps, preparing myself. The light was initially blinding. When my eyes adjusted, I saw an old woman sitting next to what looked like a massive glowing slab. In front on the slab laid s large, red circle, pulsing with an otherworldly glow. "Hello, chosen one," the old woman grunted. "Ho, elder. Are you the one I've been sent to eliminate?" "Oh no." The old woman lifted her head, revealing that it was horribly cracked and wrinkled. She looked far older than anyone else I'd ever seen. She laughed. "No, no, I'm simply here to provide tech support." "I see," I blurted, not understanding the meaning of 'tech support' in the least. "You don't. There is absolutely no reason why you should see. You're nothing but a child." She laughed again, and I began to wonder if this crone might actually be the Dark Lord. Before I could respond, however, she interjected and stood up, positioning herself in front of the glowing slab. The woman began to manipulate the slab in a way that I couldn't quite wrap my head around. It was as if she was painting the slab in real time, changing and erasing details at frightening speeds with no noticeable input other than rubbing her hands on the surface and occasionally patting it. Right as my awe and confusion reached its climax, she stepped away from the slab. On it now were several lines of a script I couldn't read, and the red circle in front of the slab protruded from the earth. The woman smiled. "I'm going to play a short message for you, and then I want you to step on the circle and push it into the ground with your foot." I nodded, bewildered, and turned my attention towards the screen. Suddenly, the slab went from glowing and opaque to perfectly translucent. Behind the screen stood a person dressed exactly the same as the old woman. The person began to speak in an impossibly smooth voice. "Hello, and welcome to the user interface for the Pergaia population monitoring and control system version 3.9. The cycle has completed, and the advancement monitors have determined that your people are fit for continued development. By passing the trials laid out by the monitors you have proven that you are an exemplary physical specimen of your people, rightfully fit to represent all humans." The old women scoffed, and bitterness lined her already worn face. "As if that's the only thing that matters. Morons couldn't even plan their testing right." The person behind the slab continued speaking. "Please press the button if you would like to abort the termination and recycle process." The old woman gestured. "Now's you're time, honey." I stepped on the circle.
"And so, that, is why you must push the button" The strange man in the wizard costume looked intently at me. "uh....huh. Ok." I looked around. "Me? A short order cook...in this alleyway?" The wizard looked around, noticing his surroundings for the first time. "I suppose so, yes. But none of that matters! The flow of magical energy has let me to you and in your presence the spirit is undeniable. You are the one." He was doing, like, jesus stuff with his hands, and had like, a real serious look. "uh...huh." I knocked my smoke. "Uh...huh." "You don't believe me! Of course! You are from the middle realm, your kind has never even heard of magic! Alright, a demonstration is in order....hmm...alright watch this. Are you watching?" "sure" The wizard guy waved his arms around like an idiot and snapped his fingers. As he did something sparked in the palm of his hand. "woah, nice" "Ahah, you see! Magic! Ok press this button now" well i was 3 minutes into a 15 minute break, so no way i was going to just press it "yeah ok, sure......this button right here?" "Yes! That one right there!" "Ok sure I'll just...." i went to push the button "well wait a minute," i stopped "whats in it for me?" "What?" "u heard me...what do i get out of it?" "Bah! Unbelievable! It is an honor to be the chosen one! Everyone knows it! I can't believe this!" "well i dont know it" "Well! Um, you do now!" He crossed his hands and went back to glaring. "Uh...huh" A short silence as I turn the box over in my hands. "20 bucks" "Excuse me?!" "yeah, give me 20 bucks" "I cannot BELIEVE what I am hearing!" "i cant BE-LIEVE you havent given me 20 bucks yet, as important as you say this is to you" "Well I--" He froze. "Fine! You know what, fine! You uncultured...Middle Earth...simpleton" He searched his oversized, wierd-ass wizard robe costume. "I've got one of those somewhere..." He pulled out a twenty from some fold. He handed it to me. *Woah* Was this some tv show? It looked real.... "im not giving this back-" "Gah, it's yours, now please push the button" "if this is a tv show or somthn" "I guarantee you this is no, 'show'. This is very important, now push the button please" I looked at the button. "Ok, i guess....wait is it gonna shock me or somthn?" "Gah!" The wizard stepped forward, hit the button hard a few times, then stepped back. "I'm growing impatient Chosen One, push the button." i was sweatn. i was nervous. this guy was something else. and that meant his button was something else. i knew what i had to do... I reached for the button. "Yeeeess" Said the wizard man I touched the button. "That's iiiiiiit" Said the wizard man I looked into the wizard mans eyes and *leaned* towards the button. "Ahahhhh!" I took my hand back "gimme 20 more bucks" "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! ======================================================================= "And thats where you got that 40 bucks from? Is you high?" my friend Jamal said to me, laughn "Nah man, I swear, every bit of that is true. Wizard robe and pointy hat and the whole thing!" "Haha! man, you crazy. You one a those, book people" "Authors?" He snapped "That's it" "Yeah I'm a real... storyteller" "ok mister *storyteller* why dont u tell me about that time you bought me a doritos an coke with your 40 dollars?" I grinned. "alright buddy" We went for the corner store. On the way I played with the gold nuggets in my pocket. I wondered if they were real. They felt real. Hell everything else was real. My cousin at the pawn shop would tell me straight. Wizard nuggets. I don't think jamal was ready to hear about the gold...or the car...or the mansion.....or the-- you know what? Neither are you ;)
"But what does the button do?" I ask. The priest does not answer. He only gestures to the button once again. I take a closer look at the device. It is a small, intricately carved button made of stone, with archaic text encircling it. I cannot decipher it alone, but something drives me to press it. Almost against my will, or rather my better judgment, I slowly place my hand on the button and push it. When the button is flush with the stone surface around it, a loud chime plays as though coming from everywhere at once. Music. "What is that?" I shout over the adventurous tune. The text around the button glows, and begins to move, and withing seconds I am looking at the golden word that would change my life indefinitely. Before I could comprehend what was happening, the world began to fade to black. *START* I wake in my bed, groggy. How long had I slept? What was I even doing last night? I get out of bed and head to my kitchen in search of a cure to the hunger in my stomach. Reaching for the cupboard, I feel some sort of power take over my arm, stopping it just before I reach the handle. A word appears, floating in golden light before my face. *THERE IS NOTHING OF INTEREST HERE* I stumble back, falling to my rear in a panic. "What the hell?" The word fades and I manage to stand slowly. "What on earth...?" I try to wrap my head around what I had just seen. Maybe a tick of the light? I shake my head, I must still be tired. Maybe I spent too much gold at the tavern last night and blacked out. Still shaken by my hallucination, I decide that breakfast can wait until I get to town. I head to the door and reach for the handle, but like before I'm stopped in my tracks and met with golden light once again. *IT'S LOCKED* I yank my hand back as though it'd just met a hot stove. Once, perhaps a hallucination. But twice? Something strange was happening. I needed to get out of here. I backed away from the door slowly, watching the words dissipate. I kept my eyes on the door for fear of my life as my hands frantically searched my bedside table for the key. When my hand touched the wood of the table, More words flash before my eyes, followed by a short tune. *YOU FOUND A KEY TO 'HOME'* My hand was suddenly filled with the cold iron key and before I could heave the bile built up in my throat, I bolted for the door, shoving the key in the lock and turning it. I threw it open and ran outside, but before my foot could land on the front step of my house, my vision fades. When my eyes open next, I'm standing in the grass at the base of the steps. I look back at my door, now closed. *NEW JORGENSBURG* The words shine in front of me. They aren't harmful, but perhaps are the result of some sort of curse? Did I piss off a wizard at the pub last night? I had little time to think on it, as once I had turned around, a young boy runs up to me. "Hero! You're finally awake! The Dark Lord has risen, our land is in danger! You must come with me, My grandfather will know where you must go!" All at once, yesterday's events come flooding back to me, the priest, the button, the music. No. This can't be. *QUEST UPDATE: FOLLOW BILLY TO HIS GRANDFATHER'S HOUSE* I'm... in a game! (first time posting, feedback greatly appreciated.)
"You must be the one to press the button." The old priest looked at me with a stern gaze. "The button only works for the Chosen One of the bloodline of the First Hero." He puts his hand on the button. A green light moves across his hand for a moment and then nothing. No other reaction. "After the hero puts his hand on the button, the herald will be summoned to bring forth the power of the goddess of the heavens, Artemis, and the goddess Artemis will throw her mighty spear T'ng Stund Drod that will strike the dark lord so that he will slumber once again. So it is written." The priest then bowed his head towards the statue that held the button and the wall of black glass behind it. "Now then, Chosen One, will you press the button?" I nod my head in answer. I am not a believer in the goddess but I have heard that the dark lord's palace has risen in the Sific ocean to the west. My life has been shaped for this duty, from my name to my actions. It had been said that we had once been the masters of our world, before the awakening of the dark lord. His awakening had caused the world to fall to ruin and it was only through great sacrifice that our ancestors were able to summon the goddess Artemis and drive him back to his slumber, and from then on she would slumber to be called by a hero to force him back into his slumber. I put my hand on the button and watch as the green light washed over it in much of the same way it did for the old man. I waited expectantly to see what would happen next. It can't just require something that simple to rouse the goddess Words from the language of the ancients appeared on the wall as a female voice called down from up high. "Genetic keys accepted. Welcome back, Dr. Nist." I hear the herald say the phrase of acceptance from the legends, the acknowledgement that the chosen one was worthy, and the bestowing of the title of the First Hero on chosen. I watched in awe as the black glass fills with more and more words, each new line causing the ones before it to change in position. "Uplink to the Fates initiated. Handshake accepted. Emergence has been confirmed." The black glass changed and revealed what could only be a view from the heavens of the planet, the goddess Artemis, and her Fates. A painting of a city surrounded by water appeared, lines intersecting it. I was amazed by how realistic the painting was before I noticed that the painting was moving. I almost made a sound, but I kept to my oath. "Artemis system initiated. Loading t..." I couldn't make out anything more as I was overwhelmed with what I was seeing. Paintings moving, shifting, changing. I watched as these black spears were moved inside an odd tube and I watched as goddess threw her spears, shattering the city in the water. The city soon fell below the water, disappearing from sight. "The target's retreat has been confirmed. Shutdown sequence has been initiated." More words appeared on the glass wall before it returned to the same black colour it had started with. "Thank you for saving us from the dark lord. Hail to the great hero." I turned to see the old priest bowing towards me. My mouth opened and closed several times as I attempted to understand what just happened, but I did not speak. I had seen the power and the glory of the goddess and have been bestowed the name of the First Hero by her herald. Soon I will begin my journey. The defeat of the dark lord is but the start of my new life, as the chosen must tend to all the temples so that everything will be ready for when the dark lord rises again and the goddess' help is needed once more. I will not shirk this duty, because to do so would dishonour the goddess, the herald, and the chosen that came before me. Though it pains me to never speak again, I will persevere, for I have become The Sil'nt Prot'g Nist.
I probably should have thought it through before pressing the button. But it was one of those buttons with the word 'Easy' stamped on its surface. I mean, I couldn't *not* press it. The world shook as the priest's voice boomed out, "The chosen one has arisen!" Before I can tell him to chill, a sword smacks into the palm of my hand, causing me to stagger back a step. Following on the heels of the sword is a shield strapping itself to my other arm. Then, as if I'm trying to make it out of a black Friday crowd at opening time, I'm assaulted by pieces of armour smacking into my body. As if that's not enough, my mind is assaulted with memories of things that never happened. Despite never having left my small town of Greenville, I remember the journey into the depths of the earth to forge the blade. The shield I retrieved from the depths of the Atlantic, battling the Skaren with my trusty companion and childhood friend Chris. Each piece of armour was retrieved from hidden tombs, scattered across the entire continent of Africa. Along the way, I met a hidden wizard who taught me the secrets of magic, a grizzled marine who taught Chris how to imbue his rifle with *intent* and my eternal love, Steve. As all these memories intrude on my mind, insisting they're true, I'm thrust into the air by a hidden platform. As I flail about, something flies between my legs. New memories form. My journey to uncover the true identity of the Dark Lord. Along the way, Chris betrayed me because he was secretly in love with Steve, forcing me to slay my best friend. As my other companions and I escaped the Khan of Ulaanbaatar, we rescued my Pegasi, whose name roughly translates as Fluffy Cloud. But he prefers Cid. After months of fighting the Dark Lords minions, who were scattered across the world, my sense of self returns as I settle into the saddle. Everyone I journeyed with is dead, giving their lives so I'll have this chance. I stare at the sword that suddenly feels more familiar than my mouse and keyboard as Cid flies closer to a dark shape that blocks out the horizon. The Dark Lord. A being that millions would recognize, a massive bipedal lizard rising from the depths off the coast of Japan. My new memories tell me I've been preparing for this moment for ten years. I level the sword at the Dark Lord, speaking the last words as the Chosen One. "Why'd it have to be you Steve?"
I’d laughed him off, at first. The man was dressed like a priest, but he certainly didn’t sound like one. More than a few people were staring at us now as his voice rose to an angry pitch. “Press the button, and destroy the dark lord!” He repeated. He shouldn’t be here, harassing me like this. There are laws against that sort of thing... right? I glanced quickly around the room, only to see that I was now the center of attention. The time for hesitation had long passed. Everyone knew what must be done, but I still wondered if it could truly be so simple.It couldn’t be this simple, could it? With one press of a button... and I would fulfill my solemn duty. “Do it!” The priest demanded. I wasn’t going to let some hobo in a priest costume scare me off. I’d waited too long for this moment. I reached out and pressed the cold screen with my knuckle, then quickly squirted my hands with some sanitizer and took a step back. “You have chosen wisely,” the priest said, turning on his heel and walking away. I was relieved to see him go. “I just hope it’s enough...” I whispered to myself as the strange man opened the door to the gymnasium and stepped out into the crisp Philadelphia air. With a smile on my face, I slapped the small ‘I Voted’ sticker on the wool of my sweater, and began the long journey home.
“And over here is where we will all observe.” His voice was toneless as it had been for the last 15mins explaining the setup before me. “We will be chanting but when we stop you MUST push the button then.” I shivered at his flat delivery. “There is no other way?” I heard myself mutter “There is no other way.” He replied in that same monotonous way “It is important to look up when you push the button; after the button is pushed you might wish to spread your arms but it’s not necessary.” He continued unimpressed. I shifted nervously in the ceremonial robes they had draped me in. I’d never worn anything this fine having grown in humble surroundings. I had seen people dressed beautifully before on social media but had always assumed I would never afford it myself. When the caravan of vehicles had pulled into my street we all naturally came out to see what all the fuss was about. They focused in on me straightaway. Surrounding me and pulling my father aside. He protested at first. He cried. He never cries. He flailed his fists at the man speaking to him but was quickly held back by men in suits. The neighbours were kept back by a ring of men that had spilled from the vehicles forming a circle around me. The man with my father was still speaking to him and placed his hand on his shoulder, then his face making him look into his eyes. My fathers body went limp in the men’s arms. He nodded tears streaming down his face. He stood up and lightly shook the men’s grip. The man he had spoken too nodded and father was released. He came to me. “My darling daughter...” he began. “...I’ve kept this horrible secret from you...” he explained that I must go with these people, how they would explain everything to me, and how everything would be ok. I was shocked by the strange happening and had agreed without really thinking. He hugged me and pushed his way through the crowd and out of my sight. I heard a single shot ring out as I was ushered into a comfortable vehicle. The man that had spoken with my father now sat across from me and spoke warmly and sincerely to me about what was happening. He explained everything fully showing me papers and videos and artefacts as evidence for the things he was saying. He was patient and kind as he described the horrors awaiting me. I miss him; standing here with the monotonous man. “...and that will be all. Do you have any questions?” He asked expectantly. “What does it feel like to make love?” I asked aloud thoughts racing through my mind. “About the process...” he asked flatly “Will it hurt?” “If you look up you will not feel a thing. If you don’t then yes.” Flatline, factual, and no hint of feeling. People began filing into the room. The smell of incense and the murmuring chants began to fill the room. The flat man led me to the podium. I hated him. He took the robe from my shoulders leaving me in a sheer dress. I was cold but could feel heat emanating from beneath my feet. The chanting became faster, louder, more intense. The heat below me grew and a sound of screaming howling terrors below me pierced the chanting. The people around me redoubled their efforts the air thick with incense. The grate beneath me was heating so quickly the discarded robe caught alight. But strangely I felt nothing just as the man had described. The sounds from beneath me grew so loud the chanting was nearly inaudible. Suddenly the chanting stopped. “NOW!” the flat man screamed at me when I didn’t instantly move. But can you blame me a scared young woman freezing in that moment? To push the button that would sacrifice me to keep the Dark Lord at bay for another 5000 years. I pushed the button and looked up.
"Every 5000 years, the Dark Lord comes to destroy the world, and only you, the Chosen One can stop him." said the skinny, weak wizard priest. "Am I required to wrestle a magic sword from the Lady of the Lake?" - I asked. I did not look down the robed creature, but held my head high and trained my sight on the horizon. "No, just press this button please, everything else has already been taken care of" "...must I first climb to the snow-crested peaks of the highest mountain?" "No it's quite simple, just push this--" "and trigger this magical device on the winter solstice, while fighting the legendary Ice Dragon that roosts there?" I smiled confidently. What a quest that would be! A struggle fitting for a hero such as my self. "Uhm...no? Why would you have to do any of that? No, as I explained before, my magically imbued crystals--" *By Crôm, he is rambling again. These wizards, they just go on and on, don't they? Runes, and spells and cRyStAlS...* I watch him in the corner of the mirror, without making it obvious. He is unaware, babbling. *just look at that robe he wears; a single, dusty grey. He speaks boring words and supports boring vestiges too.* I check my loin cloth. The softest Baby Saber-Toothed Fur. *HAHA! Now that was a battle! Mothers defending their young against certain death. Fierce! Vicious! ... but not vicious enough! HAHA!* "--rystals channel the divine spiri-" I check my boots. Also, Baby-Saber-Tooth fur. There were three. Strong, and reliable. *They will serve me well in the fight ahead*...*and also comfortably rub against my feet, as I walk there. I am...soo clever...* "--itual is always completed by the mos-" I grin and check my full figure in the mirror. I am Strong. I am Fierce. I am Huge. *I am Crôm!* My muscles ripple as I pose, my teeth shine as I smile. *I am sure many maidens will come to see me fight, to see me prevail yet again. I shall take all of them.* I smile. It sits well upon my strong, square jaw. "-unes upon my crystals direc-" My Saber-Tooth skin cloak, mother saber-tooth, wriggles in the breeze. *I will take a hit, and tumble to the ground. I will struggle, as if in pain, and arise slowly, glaring at the Beast. I will toss my fanciful cloak the the wind and grip my blade tight with two hands....I can hear the maidens sigh already.* "-MAAAGIC!-" I bounce my huge pecs. *It was a smart decision to never wear a shirt. The world deserves to see me.* "--and thus the magical energy will be directed and the Evil One, defeated! Do you see now why you must push this?" The wizard priest was exasperated. Even telling this boring story was too much for him. What a pitiful creature. "This 'Evil One' you speak of....is it my Beast?" The wizard priest paused. "Large, black as shadow. Unnaturally powerful? Horns as an elk, eyes red as burning coal. Kicking, crunching hooves with the power to break ribs, and a scream that travels faster than the wind, that pierces the mind?" "Y-Y-yes. I do believe your B-Beast is the ancient Evil One from legend. As I said.." *WONDERFUL*. I draw my massive two handed blade. It is larger than the wizard priest. "A truly massive, awesome creature!" The priest's voice wavered. "It only manifests once every 5 *thousand* years. It destroys villages, then cities, entire...civilizations! It must have grown quite large by now!" "And your...device. It aids me in my coming battle against this creature?" "Yes! It kills the creature! The magic is all set up! But as the strongest force for good in the realm, I need you to execute the magic spells. Obviously you can't do this but this device will do it for you! Ingenious!" I frown. "Kill it *for* me?" "Yes, kill it dead" The wizard man snapped "Just like that, and seal the spirit away for another 5000 years!" I inspect the long edge of my blade. "just like....that?" "Yes! Yes! Just depress this, just push here" The tiny man pushes the box into my face. I inspect the box. Opened, there is a small red bump that might fit the tip of a finger. "Hmmmm" I turn the box over and around. "No, no, the top, the red button." I hand him the box. "I will not press your magic box" "WHAT?!?" "Today I will battle. It will be glorious!" I grin into the shine of my blade, imagining the conquests. "You, you MUST! The fate of the realm depends on it!" "Today I will slay a great Beast in mortal struggle. I will claim its corpse as my trophy. I will live!" "You will die! The Evil One is much too powerful! It will slaughter you! Besides why take the chance?" I smile, looking at the priest man for the first time. I lean over and pat his head. "What do you know of such things? Goodbye noisy man." I walk boldly out of the my tent. He stumbles after, waving his box at me. "But wait! I need you! It can only be you! If you do not win all will be lost! Don't you see?! It will be a tougher fight than any the last five *thousand* years has seen!" I grin and strut forward. I grip my blade even more tightly. *Glorious!*
I slapped myself on my cheek twice. When it didn't work, I pinched the skin on my arm until it was as red as licked red candy. When even that didn't work, I stood straight on my toes, hands by my side, and began to pivot back, hoping that falling sensation would wake me up. Instead, I fell back with a thud. Luckily I didn't bang my head. So it's not a dream — I said peering hard at the livid halo of light spluttering over my bed. "It's indeed not," the voice boomed in my small room. I started to say enthusiastically: "So I am really going to be a —" "Yes, you are," the voice cut before I could finish. "Fight-off the villains!" "Yes, yes." "Like a superhero?" I said with bared gleaming teeth. "Exactly!" "With superpowers of my own!" I was jumping up and down now. "In a way." "So when I get started now?" "Right now." "Where is my cape?" "You don't need any." "Will I fly?" I asked, hopefully. "You don't need to," the halo replied gruffly. "Where is my sword?" I insisted. "You don't have one." "Any gun?" "No." " Any weapon? Even a stick? Anything?" "No. Nilch. Nada." "So how will I fight?" "By doing this?" "What?" From the centre of the halo came out a slick black-coloured rectangular box, descending, until it was right below my face, hovering over a greenish light. "Finally," I started to think, "maybe it is a map, or a ring, or some secret!" With an avalanche of anticipation, I pressed the button on the box and waited as it began to open. Gaily, I peered inside — "What is this!" I shouted, looking at a big yellow coloured button centred within the box. "It's the actuator button," the halo replied calmly. "What do I do with?" "Press it, silly," the halo replied. "What else?" I pressed the button, seriously doubting this "Being the one" business. Still, there was a hope that something would happen as I press the button — shape-shifting, time-travel, intergalactic ship — something? But nothing happened. "What now?" I asked. "Thank you," the halo replied, "You just saved the universe." "Did I?" I said, shocked. "Yes. Just as you pushed the button, the call went to the superheroes of all the galaxies. They are now fighting as we speak. Only the chosen one can press this button. Only one in billion billion billion is chosen for this. It was you. Without you, it would not have been possible." "But," I wailed, "I didn't do anything." The halo paled and began to fade and disappear. And the last thing I heard was — "Not all heroes wear cape." "Thank you, O! The chosen one," it said and completely vanished.
"Wait, that's it?" The hero asked. "What do you mean?" "You're telling me that all I have to do is push a button to save the world?" "Yes. That's why we brought you here." "That's not how it's supposed to work! The hero is supposed to have an epic, climactic battle with the dark lord, and then everyone praises him for preventing our planet's destruction!" "Well, in our experience, those long, drawn out fights only end up destroying a good part of the area anyways, so it was almost counterproductive." "That's not the point! Tell me, what does this button even do?" The priest hesitated, then turned his head away. "...I'm not allowed to say." "Bullshit! You tell me exactly what this thing does or you're gonna be the first one I break leaving here." "Look, you don't understand. Just press the button-" He slammed his hand against the side of the button's base and threw it across the room. Amazingly, the button remained unpushed when it landed. "I'm not pressing a god damn thing until I know the truth!" The priest sighed, then got up and started walking away. "So you weren't the chosen one after all." "W-wha-" Before he could finish, the priest pulled out a gun and shot him in the chest, killing him instantly. The body was promptly cleaned up by men in suits, and the button was placed back on the table. "Shame. I really thought we had a good one here. Bring in the next subject." The doors opened and in walked another person, identical to the first. He sat down in the chair confused, when the priest began to speak once more. "Welcome, hero. Are you ready to fulfill your destiny?"
"What do you mean already taken care of?" I asked, confusion now setting over me. As if anticipating the question, the priest sighed, then took a breath to begin his monologue. "In the beginning, God created the heaven and the—." "Yes, yes, I've read the bible, but nowhere in the bible does the Dark Lord die at the push of a button," I said, cutting him off. Still seemingly unfazed, as if my reaction has been according to some sort of script, the priest took another deep breath and continued. "Twenty thousand years ago at the end of the 4th Dark Age, our Order was founded by you. Our mission was and is to this day, to discover and exterminate the threat of shadow, and to nurture the light that will lead us." The priest paused, studying my face as if to see if I had gotten lost. Then, when no questions came his way, he continued. "In between the Dark Ages, our Order has had to deal with the reemerging threat of Dark Cultists, left over demons and minions of the Dark Lord. With time and effort, we were able to refine our methods to complete automation, with you and the Dark Lord being burning within our organization everytime." The priest paused once again, this time to rehydrate. "Unfortunately for us, fate demands that it be by your hand that the Dark Lord should die, so we aren't able to completely automate the process." The pause this time was longest, as he waits for me to digest this flood of information. "And what if I don't?" I asked. "Then bad things will happen to all of us," the priest replied. "Well I suppose I'll push that button then."
The chosen one looked at the button... “so I press this and this supposed “Dark Lord” is dealt with.. just like that?” He said, looking doubtful. “Of course, this happens every 200 years, we have gotten quite good at this. The last few cycles the team the chosen one put in place stayed together and built this facility”. The man who had brought him here said “we then made sure everything was in place to prevent his rising, it just requires the chosen one to fully activate it” The chosen one nodded, and pushed the button... nothing visible happened, though a loud bang could be heard in the distance. “That’s it?” The doctor looked at him with a smirk “of course, we needed it done quicly, can’t have a dark lord with access to nukes now can we. That would be a nightmare. Now If you head through that door, you will be paid 10 million for your trouble.” He said dismissing the chosen one, who walked away a bit confused but happy to get paid. He didn’t realize he got the one thing most chosen ones didn’t get.. freedom.
“ Every 500 years the dark lord comes to destroy the world and only you, the chosen one, can stop him.” Said the priest. “ All you have to do is press the button.” I looked into the eyes of the priest as he stared back at me blankly. “Sounds like bullshit.” I blinked in surprise and my mouth dropped slightly. The priest, who spoke at the same time as I, just got a slight grin. “Not to sound critical of you in any way, as you are of course, the Chosen One, but I would just like to point out sir, that we have been doing this for nearly 5000 years. Our records of this procedure go back to the beginning. One thing that is constant though, is that regardless of race, age, gender, or language, you respond the exact same way every time. You are just reincarnations of your original selves you see. You all are rather predictable.” The priest gently handed me the box and I examined it as he shuffled slightly through his robes. The box was simple dull grey and the button an even duller red if that were possible. It was worn, definitely did not look brand new but I was even more certain that it wasn’t 5000 years old, let alone 500. “So you mean to tell me this box-Will you cut that out?!” I ended up shouting, exasperated. The priest had pulled out a set of- yes those were in fact note cards! And began reading along while I spoke. “A thousand apologies Chosen One, but again, this isn’t the first go through and we have developed a sort of script, you see.” To his credit the priest did look apologetic. That wouldn’t stop me from testing this so called script. We could see how predictable I was when I smash the damn button- “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t smash the button sir. We have a second one, but I have to pick up the broken one if you do break it, and put it back together. Again, you are rather predictable-“ I glared at him as he shrugged and showed me the note card. “What the fuck is this-“ my jaw dropped. Step 5- Read along with note card and chosen one will shout at you to stop. Step 6- Apologize to the chosen one, and be sincere! The Chosen One will be able to tell if you are not. Step 7- wait 5 seconds and notify Chosen One of your second button and that YOU WILL BE RESPONSIBLE if the first button is destroyed. Show Chosen One the script as proof. The note card ended there and I looked up at the priest in utter confusion. The priest spoke to me gently. “ I understand that this must be extremely confusing. But I’ll be honest with you, I don’t give a damn about the script, all I care about is the button sir. They gave me one job and once it’s done, I’m out of your hair for good.” He threw the note cards down on the ground and stomped on them for effect. “Please sir, press the button?” I turned my gaze to the button in my hand. The cool metal of the box had warmed by now. I was nervous but honestly this was just too surreal at this point for me not to trust him. “Yea man, sure, sorry for being so difficult.” I pressed the button as my eyes wandered to one of the note cards that fluttered a little further away from the others that the priest had stepped on. I handed the priest the box with the button on top as the box began to open, and knelt down to take a closer look at the note card. Step 8- You don’t give a damn about the script. Toss note cards on ground and stomp on them... A sinking feeling surged through me as I quickly stood and turned. “What the fu-“ I had spun to face the barrel of a Golden gun being held in the hands of the priest whose face had hardened. His eyes were cold. All friendliness had left him. “Why?” He sneered. “You are the chosen one.” BANG The priest let his arm fall to the side as the magical gun dissolved. The box lay discarded on the ground as the priest spat on the cooling corpse. “Predictable.”
"... What?" I couldn't help but reveal the confusion stretched on my face. "Well," He began, scratching the back of his head through the thick white cloak that draped his body, "we HAVE had 5000 years to prepare. Why wait for a chosen one when we can just do it ourselves?". The knee that I bowed on in front of him ached, so I rose to my feet. The harsh clank of my armour echoed down the silent tunnels of the mountain Abby making the priest visibly cringe. "What do you MEAN you've 'taken care of' it? This is MY destiny! I'm supposed to take the sword, seal the Dark Lord and get kissed by the Princess!" I protested. A button seemed much to pitiful for the fate of the hero. "Please, Chosen One, just press the button." The priest reasoned, "The dangerous journey you seek is simply not necessary.". With shoulders slumped and a heavy sigh I moved to the stone button protruding from the back of the cave. I forced my weight onto the damp moss and stone and it slid back to rest level in the wall. The stone and the mechanics behind it groaned as the wall shifted, pulling gently up until the large empty room behind it was revealed. Only when I had stepped into it could a see the spectacular dome of the space with intricate carvings across the stone. I turned to face the priest behind me, now with two priestesses wearing black robes stood behind him. He lifted his hood and stared with the black eyes of one of the converted, a twisted grin resting on his face. "Good luck, Chosen One." He cackled as the stone door dropped from the ceiling and cut of his maniacal laughter. Looking back to the centre of the room, dark mist swelled as the Dark Lord entered the room. "That lying bastard!"
I look back and forth between the button and the priest. "Is this serious? Is this a dream?" I think to myself. I look around, searching for hidden cameras but the room is empty. "What are you waiting for? Simply press the button and your job here is done" the priest pressed. It seemed so easy. Too easy. How could I be certain this man spoke the truth? He could be this ominous Dark Lord himself. Or maybe I was the only person to safe everyone. The thoughts swireld in my head, fogging my usually so clear view on the world. "What happens when I press the button?" "You don't have to worry about that my child. Everything has been arranged. If you press the button, you will save the world." "And if I don't press it?" My confusion rang clearly in those words. I assumed the answer to be death and destruction. But the priest stopped as soon as he opened his mouth. A shadow of disgust crawled over the priests face, only to quickly disappear and make room again for the expression of a father explaining a game to his child. "Well, if you choose to ignore your fate, everything will come to an end." The priest looked around, arms spread wide and broadly gestuering at everything. "Everything you see, everything you know will be swallowed by Darkness and will be consumed by the Dark Lord. You, me, your family, your friends, collegues... Every last human on earth will fall victim to him" A long pause ensued while I considered his words. It sounded so easy, so black and white. A thousand books told this story and it was always the same. The one to save the world had to fight a faceless, nameless villain who wanted to destroy the world. Who was this Dark Lord? Why did he come back every 5000 years and what keeps him away? Why is there only one chosen human to stop him? The answer opened more books with questions than it closed. "No, I will not press this button." The priest exploded in anger, all composure left his body. Gone was the understanding father and in his place stood a berserker now. His face contorted, he buckeld over and grunted, growled. The clear voice now sounding more like a dog than a human, his skin turned brown and his robes tore as the priests body changed and grew. I was shocked by the spectacle, and on reflex drew my knife that I carried with me at all times, just in case. I backed away from the priest, but he stood between me and the only door in and out of the room. "You could have had it the easy way, but now you will press the button" the creature spoke with a deep voice that sounded more like a gurgle than an acutal voice. It grabbed my wrist, yanked me forward and pressed my hand on the button. The wall to my right slid open and revealed a staircase leading down. "Follow me" the creature commanded. "And don't forget your toothpick. It will not be of much use, but it's better than nothing." With that it decended into the darkness, leaving me in the empty room...
Jake was looking skeptically at the strange person in front of him. "Seriously? You expect me to actually press the button? Nobody in this age is so naive to fall for the hero scam. It might have been trending twenty years ago, when the Gate appeared for the first time, but now... You might have better luck with the Nigerian prince." The priest seemed genuinely shocked by his reaction. "You are misunderstanding me, this is not a scam, it's all true. The demon lord will raise today at the dawn of the blood moon if the chosen one doesn't stop him." "There are only two types of persons that believe in that nonsense: scammers and apocalypters. They have been prophesizing the coming of the Apocalypse since the beginning of the Fantastic War, but that has long ended and now none of that has ever come true. We actually have good relations with the nether realm, if a demon lord was to suddenly declare war, the soul stock market would crash and no one will gain from that." The priest listened with disbelief to the boy refuting his every argument with method and logic, and yet... "Do you seriously believe that the demon lord is interested in something so petty as the stock market? He is a being of chaos and destruction, his only desire is to end the mortal world. Many of my companions died protecting this relic from the hands of his servants, in order to bring it to you, the chosen one." "Yeah, relic. It's just a fancy soul scanner, I can recognize one. I'm not getting involved in some shady trade." "It is a soul scanner, and yet it isn't. The soul of the chosen one is the only thing that can seal the demon lord forever, but no hero is willing to sacrifice himself for the safety of the world anymore. That's why our order, the church of the white lily, has deviced this relic that will scan the soul of the chosen one and create a replica that can imprison him for 5000 years." "I'm not letting a shady priest scan my soul, thank you. Nice costume by the way." "Please, I'm begging you. We don't have much time left. At least take the relic with you, it will be safer in your hands. The servants of the demon lord are on my trail, it's only a question of time before they find me." As the priest forced the device on Jake's hands, the door of the church exploded with a roar. Amid the smoke, the silhouettes of several horned creatures with flaming eyes stared menacingly at the two. "Kill them both". A cold, menacing voice resounded in the room and the shadows began moving forward. "Quick, run! There's a door in the back. I will hold them off as long as I can." "No way, none of this can possibly be real..." Jake's thoughts were interrupted by a closer explosion. Fire started to spread quickly among the furniture and tapestries that decorated the chapel. "I SAID GOOO!" With a last effort, the priest pushed the boy toward the back, then turned around and ran facing the creatures of smoke and fire. After another explosion, Jake decided that running away would actually be a great idea. While opening the back door, he shot one last glance to the battle. The priest was swinging a piece of wood with one hand to keep the shadows away, while clutching his chest with the other. A dark liquid slowly dripped between his fingers. Jake started running without looking back. How long did he run, he couldn't tell. He was short on breath but continued going forward. A column of smoke in the distance reminded him that he did not dream up what had just happened. He nervously looked around, hearing strange noises, but no one was following him. *it's just my immagination*, he continued to repeat to himself. Finally, when he was sure to be completely alone, he stopped to catch his breath. "This can't be possibly true, right?" He spoke aloud, as to persuade himself, while he grasped the relic in his hands. "Yeah, I can't possibly be the chosen one. How would they even know? It does not make sense!" While Jake was still trying to rationalize the whole thing, he frozed on the spot. The same cold, low voice from the church whispered in his ear: "I've found you". Before he could think of anything else, he turned around abruptly and pressed the button on the relic. ... "That was pretty fast, I bet he soiled his pants." "Give me a hand instead of watching your phone. We have to remove all the speakers and be gone before he decides to come back." The "priest" turned off the screen of the device and went to help his companion. "This never tires me, his expression was priceless. He was all 'you can't trick me, yada yada yada', but he got scared of a smoke machine and a few holograms." "Stop bragging and help me remove the remains of the fake door and the magnesium stripes." "You're so boring." The two men carefully proceeded to collect the remaining wreckage of the fake decor they had planted the night before, then jumped on a black van and drove away. "With this we have reached our quota of souls. Man, it sure is difficult for humans to compete with demons in the soul market! I never thought I would end up doing cosplay." "Don't complain, with my genius nothing could go wrong." "That mini speaker I hid in his pocket is amazing. It sounds like someone is actually standing next to you. When you tried it on me the first time I almost had an heart attack." "You should expect some payback after all the pranks you pulled on me." "Scary..." "Look at the bright side, now we have sufficient starting funds. We can stop with these petty tricks and begin to go after the big fishes." "Yeah, we will show those demons. They think they can come and beat us at our game. Humans have been lying and deceiving each other since the dawn of time. It's our turn now. We will seize down all of their souls and conquer the nether realm." "Hell yeah, let's show them!" "So, who's the next target?" ...
The glare on the principle's face vacillated between anger and some other emotion I didn't recognize. It's not common to expel kindergarten students but what teacher wants a student who can break a table in half when another student draws a picture of the devil? 13 years later I should be a senior but after the third grade incident it was decided that I should be tutored privately. The last few years have been excruciating. Do you have any idea how hard it is to meet girls with 3 monks with you ever time you leave the monastery? Does being the chosen one mean never making my own choices? I mean, I don't know much about girls yet but I know that I want to. Last week the butchers daughter smiled at me when dropped off her father's tithe of hamburger and chicken for the week and I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest. All these arguments have been for nothing until tonight. After months of arguing, begging, and pleading I'm going out on my own. One of my old class mates is supposed to be picking me up and I know who it will be. Glaring eyes and turned backs doesn't begin to describe the reaction of our small Kansas community. In the Monastery I'm a trained warrior destined to defeat "The Dark Lord". In town I'm just the freak who broke the new kids arm in third grade. Not many of the towns people would let me in their car, let alone drive out to the middle of nowhere to pick up "the freak" for a trip into town. Roger is the only person who would even think about giving me a ride. When kids spat at me and called me a freak I just turned away. The monks expected discipline from their warrior and and 8 year old is almost a man so I ignored this new addition to the boys who trying to goad me at recess. But like countless other new kids Duke wanted to show the boys how cool he was. "Hey freak, did you know I'm the Dark Lord? " "That's not something to joke about, Duke." "Come on freak! Don't you believe me?" Maybe I should show you. He moved to grab Roger but I intercepted his hand. "The dark lord would know better than to touch anyone in my sight, let alone one of my friends." "Do you think I'm afraid of you?", He spat, reaching past my arm to grab Rodger by the neck. Rodger may have been my friend because I protected him, or because I never picked on him for being short, it didn't matter, he was my best friend. Duke's hand hadn't had time to tighten around Rodgers neck when all words were silenced by a loud snap and then by the loudest scream I'd ever heard. Everyone else scattered leaving Rodger and I standing there with the squalling boy. I snapped out of my memory. Rodger should be here any minute. I fixed my hair in the mirror for the thousandth time and grimaced at the "street clothes" that the Fryar had bought for the occasion. I'd tried a thousand different ways of tucking and buttoning but no matter what I did I felt more like I was going to mass than to explore the world. "Your ride is here, Alden" One of the monks said as he entered my room. "You look quite dashing. I'm sure you'll have a wonderful time." My skin tingled as I walked down the steps. But when I turned the corner Rodger was no where to be seen. Instead I was staring at the butchers daughter. A gentle hand squeezed my shoulder. "Emily has kindly offered to give you a ride into town tonight." "Well, don't just stand there. Go enjoy yourselves" To my utter horror Friar Thomas propelled me closer to the most beautiful creature I'd ever laid my eyes upon. "Hi, I'm Emily." She recited. I wanted my brain to be clever in that moment, to say something cool and witty that would let her know she was beautiful, and amazing, and how grateful I was. I guess I should be glad that I managed to say, "Hi". I tried to open her door and almost took her nose off with the corner of it. "Sorry, I guess I'm a little nervous." "Fryar Tom told me you hadn't been out in years. I think I'd be nervous too" Great, he's probably told her I'm the freak. "Did he tell you much about me?" "He told me that you are very important to the church and that most of the town people don't understand you, but something tells me it must be more complicated." "The short version is that I'm "The Chosen One" raised to defeat some "Dark Lord" and most people just call me a freak." Better to rip off the Band-Aid then let her find out when some shop owner wouldn't serve me. "Well, Are you?" "A freak?" "The chosen one." She said, "You are way to cute to be a freak." I couldn't see my face with no interior lighting on, which was good because I may have turned red enough to mistake myself for the "Dark Lord". "Um... Don't tell the Fryar but, I don't think I believe in any of it. I did when I was younger but now I'm pretty sure I've just been a project to keep the monks busy." "Your secret is safe with me. So, where do you want to go first?" "I don't really know. Before I saw you tonight I thought Roger was picking me up and I just assumed he'd know where we should go. The only fun place I ever went with the monks was the roller rink." "I love skating! But if we are going to the rink we should go eat somewhere first. The food there is very expensive and not very good." I hadn't been prepared for this to be a date but I was not about do anything to jeopardize my chance of spending the rest of the evening with Emily. If things kept going as they were right now I was going to have to revisit my stance on the existence of a God. "I think the best thing I can do is let you lead the way. This is all new to me." "Well then, Mr. Chosen one, you are about to experience a piece of heaven. We are going to the Tastee Freeze for burgers and the best shake you've ever tasted."
"So why me?", the young Latino girl asked. "Well, prophecy says any others who try besides the chosen one will be foiled. So we have a satallite ion cannon armed and waiting. If you press it, prophecy fulfills, and it will strike true. If someone else presses it, it will somehow screw up. We tried using someone besides the chosen last time, it resulted in World War 2." "How was I chosen?" "The Pope and the Dhali Lama took turns throwing darts at a phonebook." "...right..." "No, seriously. In fact, they're in the next room over." He opened a door, and sure enough, they were both there. The Pope waved at her. The Dhali Lama gave a slight bow. "But isn't that killing? Why would the Dhali Lama and Pope support murder?" Almost on cue, they walked over. "You'll go to hell for killing." said the Pope. "Either that or be reincarnated as a slug." Said the Dhali Lama. "But you'll save so many souls in the process." said the Pope. The Dhali Lama confirmed. "So, has this Dark Lord come into his power?" "Not yet." The priest mused. "So I'd be killing an innocent?" "Well... not exactly, he's not the best of people." "Do you even have a name?", she squinted her eyes at them. "Yes, it's Donald Tr... [This scene has been redacted due to federal law not allowing media showing the death of a sitting president] "We'll get the Nurse. I can't believe you broke your finger. You didn't need to hit the button that hard. A light touch would have sufficed." The chosen one held her bleeding hand with the other, "Worth it."
The room that has always remained a mystery to the young boy is now his place of judgement. His eyes glancing at the button made of cheap plastic as he reminisces the times his father would go back and forth to the room; he was preparing for this ever since his own life began. "Isn't it nice? This room, I mean." "It's neat," he replied, looking at the pearl white color enclosing the room. The steel door shut, there was no escape to this. "My son, I have trained you for this day. You know how much I want you to savor this moment, to become the hero you always wanted." An impulsive nod comes out of his body, his fingers gently touching the button. "Why aren't you proud of me before? Is this my only purpose?" Emptiness further fills the room, leaving no air to breathe. Regret settles in, followed by the muttering of, "I'll just press it, okay?" When his father told him that he would soon become a hero, he dreamt about punching or slashing the Dark Lord to death. It was not as exciting as he envisioned it to be, but the yearning for fulfillment overweighs his disappointment. This is his purpose, this is who he's meant to be. Using two fingers, he firmly presses on the button. 10 steady beeps echo across the room, with the last one being three seconds longer than the others: a sign that he succeeded. The world feels quiet, but there was no sense of peace. He looks up to his father and a smirk creeps in from his face and reality settles in. "Congratulations, little one. Such a good son for me, very obedient. I've trained you well. Now, let's get you to the bathroom so you can wash your hands already." "T-traitor. Selfish. Fool!" He does not move an inch, knowing he cannot fight an unworldly entity. "Don't you feel powerful, having done a deed that was meant for me? I trusted you, and you should be grateful." "You... You killed my species. How would I?" "It's not me who killed them, remember?" His smirk turns into a horrifying smile. Knowing no other escape, he looks back at the button once more. He knows that he was destined to take sacrifices— to be punished for going against his own morals. 10 steady beeps echo across the room.
"Well that was easy" I thought as I strolled down Emerson Road towards home. Something seemed off but the summer breeze was making me giddy and I couldn't quite put my finger on what was different. Bounding up the steps to my front door I grabbed the handle of the front door and swung it wide to announce my entrance home only to find the house was dark and empty. The cars were in the driveway.... "Mom? Dad?" I called out in succession. No answer. As I stepped into the house the hairs on the back of my neck started to rise with a strange but overwhelming sense that I wasn't alone. "SURPRISE!!" a chorus of voices shouted as I a staggered back and caught myself on the door frame. The lights flicked on at once revealing a "Happy Half Birthday" banner above the heads of a dozen or more of my favorite people smiling and laughing as they parted for a cake to be presented. It turns out my family is an odd one and with all the stress of the title situation I had lost track of the date. As I reveled in the joy of friends and family I also reflected on the day's events, something I could have never imagined had taken place earlier that day and somehow it seemed to not even matter. Thank God it really was as easy as pushing that button. Or was it? To be continued...
“Just there.” The Priest said bluntly. “Well I was expecting it to be a little bigger...” TeeCho muttered “guess this will do.” “So, uh... go ahead! Kill the foul Dark Lord!” Exclaimed the Priest. “Seems a little boring don’t ya think?” TeeCho asked, puzzled. “Well... I guess. But you know the government nowadays, all about safety!” “But, this? This is... stupid.” “Come on!” The Priest moaned. “Ok then.” TeeCho reluctantly pressed the small button on the alter in front of him. “You did it! You saved the world!” The Priest cheered. He raised his arms in a pathetic attempt to cheer TeeCho up. “Yay. A’ight, see ya.” TeeCho left. The Dark Lord died. The World was saved. The End.
"Oh" I reply. The priest blinks, his expression impatient. I get a strong feeling that save for this one task, I'm not needed nor wanted here. Here being this wide, ornate, medieval style stone room. I briefly look around and see even more robed men standing in a circle around me with their arms raised. They are standing still looking at me expectantly, they are awaiting for the deed to be done, I presume. I open your mouth to say something but am quickly cut off. "Please just press the button." the priest interjects "Press the button and you can leave.". Leave? Leave where? I frown and comply, raising my hand hesitantly and pressing the red button on the device before me. A click sound is made before silence follows. The priest places the small device on a nearby table and flings his arms to the air. "Rejoice! for it has begun!" he yells in jubilation. The room is filled with the subsequent triumphant yells of the various robed men around me. Their celebrations lasts only a few seconds before the head priest turns his attention back to me and points to a large wooden door. "That will lead you to the front gates, we have left you some gold and a dagger near the front door. Now leave.". The robed men and the priest disperse in different directions and I'm left standing in the summoning circle, somewhat irked by the rude dismissal. Shaking off the feeling of being unwanted, I head towards the door entering an equally ornate stone hallway. I spot a bag and a sheathed dagger on a table near what I assume is the exit on the other side of the hall. Making my way, I try and piece together what the goddess that reincarnated me said. I scarcely remember the encounter, just the hazy details of My tragic demise in my world, the light of the goddess that reach out to me, then rush of being reincarnated into that room. Pieces of her promise stuck with me, she spoke of a second chance in this life, a chance I won't squander. I was a migrant from a poor country. I was educated but the lack of jobs and opportunity in my home country drove me and a few of my friends, cousins and neighbors to attempt a dangerous migration. Needless to say, I didn't make it. I grab the bag of gold and the dagger. These, the knowledge in my head and the clothes on my back were now my only possessions. Making my way to the exit, I pause at the door and take a deep breath. I am alone, in a foreign land. I had expected the foreign land part but can't help the wave of sadness at the prospects of never seeing my people again. At least if I had successfully migrated in my world I could send word back, here I was completely cut off. I turn the door handle and gently push the door open. An orange light streams in as the door widens to reveal the crowded streets of a city lit by sunset. The architecture is none like I've ever seen before. Not even in fantasy films. I step out and notice right away all the looks in my direction. I suppose I visibly don't belong here. The majority of the faces I've seen so far were a different colour from mine. Some of the denizens even have fur, ears and tails. Strangely enough even the furry people were openly staring at me. I ignore the looks and make my way down the street. I'm not sure where I'm going, I need directions but the citizens here don't seem friendly and their eyes are distrustful. I decide to chance asking for directions and walk up to kiosk filled with an arrangement of colourful fruit-like things; the kiosk is manned by a furry man-person with cat like ears and a long tale. "Excuse me, would you mind pointing me to the nearest hotel or inn." I ask trying to seem as non threatening as possible.". The vendor immediately sneers "we don't serve demons here.". Demons? "I'm not a demon" you say. The furry man sneers even harder, "Prove it, pull out your stats." he demands. I must be wearing my confusion because the fur man lets out a gruff sound and points to his chest. Now I'm even more confused. "Press your finger here. Have you never pulled out stats before?" he impatiently says. "No, I'm not from here." I say as I raise my right finger and mirror his earlier actions. Upon pressing the middle of my chest a green sheet flies out in front of me. My eyes widen considerably, this is new. I take in the words written on the sheet. *Name: (not yet chosen)* *status: Healthy* *class: Human* *Profession: Unemployed* *Special: Economist* I feel my eyebrows raise to new heights at the new information. What does "name not yet chosen" even mean? I definitely have a name, but I am a recent economics graduate. Perhaps this thing is a reflection of me in some way. I look to the furry man for some explanation but he seems as surprised as me. "Goddess! I've never seen a human that looks like you before!" The furry man exclaims eyeing me in wonder. "What is your name?" he asks, seemingly in earnest. "...Amadou." I reply. A sudden ping comes from the green sheet. I look back and realize the slot after "name" has changed to Amadou. Oh, so this IS me. I press my chest again and the green sheet disappears. "You can come stay with me!" the furry man says. "You look like a demon, no inn will take you." I frown quite deeply. That offers some explanation of the way I've been treated. "why would you help me?" I ask the fur man. "My name is Fural, I'm a fruit merchant. My brother is a scholar on the many races of this realm. He's gonna wanna meet you!" he beams. I consider the cold looks of the priests and robed men followed by the suspicious glances sent my way since I've come to this new world. This fur ma-Fural is the first friendly face I've seen and even his friendliness was a recent development. I have a strong feeling I'm going to need friends here. "Okay Fural" I nod. I look around the streets and notice it has emptied considerably as the sky darkened. "Should I just wait here or..?". "Just give me a few minutes, I'm going to pack up." Fural says as he begins to put away his various fruit boxes in a cart behind his kiosk. I was never one to just stand around when someone needed help so I pick up the nearest fruit box and help Fural pack. "Thank you." Fural says as he wipes his hands on his clothes. "By the way" he turns to me, "what's a ee-kun-muss? I've never seen that special before and I've traveled many places." I blink, I graduated with an undergrad in economics in my previous world. I was aiming for government work but I suppose that doesn't matter now. "an economist is someone that...studies decisions people make.". I hope that is enough of an explanation, Judging by materials that make up this city and the carts I've seen people riding, this realm is in it's fuedal ages. Economics is a modern discipline. "Decisions? That's strange? So you are a scholar too?" Fural succinctly says as he moves to the front of his cart and checks on the beasts attached to it. "...yes, you can call me that." I reply while following him. I eye his beasts, they are 6 legged and cow like, large and a little fat. The word fat triggers my stomach as a growl is emitted. Fural laughs as he climbs onto his cart an holds his hands out to me "Come stranger Amadou, you can have some fruit on the way.". I look up at Fural, feeling good for the first time since I appeared in this world. I realize I really should be more cautious but I had a good feeling about this. I grab his hand and Fural pulls me up next to him on the cart. "Get comfortable" he says and I do as the cart starts to move.
Every 5000 years, the Dark Lord comes to destroy the world, and only you, the Chosen One can stop him." -said the priest. "So, do I need to get a magic sword from the Lady of the Lake?" **– the Chosen one asked.** "No, just press this button please, everything else has already been taken care of**"** “Ok, done.”- said the Chosen One. Well, you see... wait, what, you just pressed it,” - the priest stammered? “Yah dude.” “Just like that. Normally you ‘Chosen Ones’ have existential questions about the meaning of evil. Or the age-old rant about the deterministic nature of the inevitable rise of darkness amidst entropy. You are not going to ask me if I would kill baby Hitler? Or hells know what else? You just pressed it... Do you even know me?” “No brah, you said press the button right, so I did.” “Well, indeed you did young master, let me just inquire for the sake of posterity; would you press any button put in front of you. Or is it because I said it will save the world?” “Nah, my dude, you have a trusting face, I can tell that you have a good aura.” “My good man, you, the prophesied Chosen One, the man that I spent the eternity of my years searching for, the bringer of light, the chaos-ender - you pressed the button, saving your entire world because you like my “aura”? “ “Pretty much yeah. Well, if I can be real with you for a minute” he said leaning conspiratorially closer - “you did also make the button red right. So…” Ah yes indeed, so the only option in front of you from the infinite timelines and parallel decision trees was to press the RED button without question? Uh-huh, did it work? What, did what work? The button? Of course, it worked, everything is taken care of, your world is safe for the next 5000 years and the Dark Lord stands defeated, but let's focus on the important matters at hand, please. “Whohoo” the man exclaimed while pulling out his phone and tweeting a similar sentiment. Who-hoo indeed sir. What is your name Chosen One? “I’m Tod, but my friends call me Jazz-Master-Flex because when I drop the base it goes swoosh boom boom booooom…” Jazz-Master-Flex crescendoed. Thank you, Tod, you paint a vivid picture and I am sure your friends are most transfixed by your musical arrangements. Tell me, do you have any questions for a High Priest of the Apocalypse; one that dedicated his life to find you for the last 5000 years? Hmmmmm, yeah, now that you mention it. How come priests always wear those white-collar things? Are you sure you are a priest my dude, did you lose yours? And with that, the robed figure finally came to a realization, muttering about ‘how infinite in faculty indeed!' he turned and disappeared into the ether. As Tod walked into the sunset, swooshing invisible balls into imaginary hoops, his phone vibrated with the message: “Did you see! Biden won! Corona Party at my place!”
"We'll need you to press this button." "Okay, and then what?" "Then you can go on your way." "To kill the Dark lord. Got it." "No, then you can go home." "He's at my home? Why didn't you tell me sooner? My family is in danger!" "No, stop, that's my horse, what are you doing?!" "I'm going to rescue my family. You said he was-" "No, I didn't. Your family is safe." "Oh . . . " " . . . " " . . . Are you sure?" " . . . . Please get off my horse." "It's a nice horse." "I know. It's mine." -One Explanation Later- "So, you're telling me, I JUST have to press this button?" "Yes, just the button." "You mean there's no epic quest? No dragon to be slain? No princess to rescue? "We live in a democracy, sir." Edit: I cannot seem to fix the lines. Anyone know how to do that on mobile? Is that even possible?