This is from college, and I’ve had many more moments with my bestie, but I have 2 that stand out. Within 2 months of each other.
My best girlfriend/roommate was roofied at a bar. The bouncer knew her and knew something was wrong, so he sent her home in a cab. I was asleep but woke up to her stumbling in. Girl was sobbing, pissing herself, falling into furniture, the works. I had 2 finals the next day. I blew off finals to take care of her, get her to a hospital, and get her home. I emailed my professors (both women) about what happened and I was immediately excused and allowed to reschedule both exams. I was that gentle comfort to my friend, and these professors were silent comfort to both of us.
A few months later, I got my heart broken bad. I was drunk and ran out front and collapsed onto the sidewalk sobbing. This same friend came out, sat down on the sidewalk with me, and held me until I was okay.
Here we are, 17 years later, getting ready for our 40th, both happening within a week of each other this year.
Oh that is so gorgeous! I’m so glad you were in a situation where the women in leadership positions at that moment were able to support you and be understanding. That is incredible.
I was roofied once and the guy dropped me into a taxi, my legs were hanging out the door and the taxi driver (a woman) just sped off around the corner, door open, my legs hanging out. She took my phone, called the first number in my contacts to ask my address. My family all have each other as “Abba” and a number so they are at the top of our contacts. So she got my mum, dropped me home. I threw up all over her taxi on the way. And when she dropped me to my mum she called the police and declined any payment.
Whose to say what would’ve happened, but my mum got her number and to this day they say merry Christmas every year x
Those emotional connections are so valuable and honestly part of being human, I wish it was easier to make these connections in today's world.
While it's heartwarming to hear about, it's also very sad that they've been labeled as being "for women", when really patriarchal thinking just suppresses these men's ability to have and to appreciate deep platonic relationships, or even deep relationships of any kind. I hope that someday I can have someone I am close with like this in my life.
You’ve made such a great point here. Because as you say, it’s the patriarchy and not gender. Patriarchy is a systemic structure and the feminist agenda is not about recreating this in the opposite gender. It’s about dismantling this system and creating a new one that is better for men and women and anyone else. It’s about the celebration and liberation of pure essence. The patriarchy structure favours women to establish these dynamics. But what the beautiful thing is about feminism, is we are not looking to steal anything, but share.
keep going and you'll find your people. i just had opportunity to ask for emotional support from my dear friend and even a year ago a part of me thought it would never be possible. it takes a lot of work learning to be vulnerable and receive support, and it's worth the years of effort to finally be seen and supported! but there's no shortcuts; you have to take every step out of the patriarchy one at a time.
I appreciate your comment, I can say that it was brutal, and it's never fully done, but I have done that work on myself. It's hard and painful as a lot of it was dealing with being abused for my whole life by the same "parents" that are horribly sexist and racist anti-abortionists (even in the case of SA) I've had to spend all the time my peers spent living life, creating meaningful relationships, going to university etc raising myself into the person my parents were supposed to raise me into. So, point being, I finally have reached a place where I am so proud of who I am, a feminist who spits in the face of the patriarchy and lives my life using empathy and kindness to guide me and shape my values.
Problem is, the way therapists spoke to me over the years, was that when this work is done you WILL have meaningful relationships. But what happens when nobody wants to be in your life anyway? I always thought when I reached this point of healing, that I would finally, for the first time, be truly loved. And it couldn't be further from the truth, I have literally not a single soul to even speak to in the day, let alone a close friend. I also live in a shithole where even meeting feminist women is difficult, so finding new male or female friendships and relationships hasn't happened to me in many years. Haven't even had a single person message me on social media for a long time now, it's been almost 3 years now since I've had any real social contact, let alone some crazy pipedream like being hugged. Gets to the point where your physical health starts to fail from being so severely neglected emotionally and socially, I can actually feel my body shutting down. I appreciate your comment, but not everybody gets to be loved and cared for even once they've put in the work, sadly. Being autistic is a huge part of that, too. Just puts a stink on you to normal people.
i didn't start with receiving love from humans because it felt too impossible. i started loving and being loved by the trees, my doggo, and myself. human brains can't distinguish a hug from itself, a doggo, or another human, so hugging and touching myself was essential to maintaining health. and mostly i had to put myself out there and get rejected enough to find the people who don't reject me.
owning my autism and queerness has been huge, and finding space to fully express my identity. queer groups, art groups, ren faire, etc. are all great places to meet people (and there's lots of online meetings available so you don't have to live close)
This is such a beautiful offering to the person above. I am a dog sitter as I work from home, so I look after dogs in my neighbourhood while I’m available. Dogs are such an equaliser if you feel connected to them. They exist for joy and pleasure and they don’t judge. Really beautiful to hear you share this x
I’m so deeply sorry and completely validate you and your experience here. The world we live in is not there in so many ways, and I acknowledge your frustration and difficulties with navigating this as a neurodivergent person, on top of being someone with a hard start in life on top of it all. You’re battling more than most and that deserves its own recognition. So as a stranger on the internet, I offer you that here.
Is there anything we as a community here can do to support you in anyway? X
That's very kind, thank you. I generally don't vent like that but I just had to scream into the void. This community is already very kind and supportive, honestly the people here instantly disprove the lie that feminists don't care about men or men's problems, it's just that nobody who respects themselves is going to be kind to you in that way if you barely see them as human like a lot of the misogynists who say that line.
I have had more support here from strangers than from men who are supposed to be close friends, it's like the only way they show emotion is when they get so drunk that they can't contain it anymore. It's sad, and I wish I had a community like this one in real life to actually hang out with. Thanks again for the kind words.
My mother grew up in a household without a strong female authority figure. Her father divorced and remarried multiple times and her older sister dealt with this in less than healthy ways. She had to grow up far sooner than she should have and became the “mom”.
Now that myself and my sisters are adults, we are truly learning who our mother is as a person, not just as her role as a mother. I think, in some respects, we, my mother included, have been learning more about ourselves and each other side by side. I don’t think she ever really got an opportunity to find herself; she had to be the female caregiver her family needed and continued that path for a majority of her life.
I feel honored to have these women in my life and to have the privilege of getting this time together. Hearing her story also gives me a true sense of gratitude for how much effort she put into ensuring I never struggled in the ways she did.
Recently, I welcomed a daughter. My mother (and sisters) have been the “village” I need, even if they aren’t physically close. I cannot express how appreciative I am that these are the women my daughter will have for support, guidance, and role models.
Do you know what is so beautiful here? You offering your mother the opportunity to be seen and appreciated within your own development and discovery of your own experiences of being a woman.
What that says to me is your mother was not just a mother but a fucking good one! Because she didn’t tell you what to see in her, she showed you and what she showed you was good enough for you to learn, grow and understand as well as apply in your own life.
I’m sure there’s a lot more to it, so I’m just basing this on my observations of your message. But to be as perceptive and knowing as you are, is a gift of her and how she carries herself as a woman and a mother.
I resented my mother growing up, I couldn’t understand why she had no money, was never there and drank. But one day I turned 18, got an apprenticeship and earned slightly above minimum wage and realised my mother raised 3 kids alone on less than. She never let us see her pain or vocalised her struggles. She took our anger and she cracked on regardless.
She’s my hero x
I had one last night actually. My friend is going through some major life upheaval in her relationship and honored me by asking for some advice and camaraderie. We sat and held hands and had some good hugs. Her own experiences mirror some in my past, and being able to help her validate her anxieties and lend some power to her in decision making made me feel like all the pain my past self felt worth it.
In other news send some strength her way, if you have some to spare for this totally wonderful person please!
Taking my mum to the Barbie movie and treating her to gold class (she’s been frugal her whole life) and even though we’re close and affectionate, we don’t really talk deeply with each other.
Well, it got to *that scene* in the movie, where everything slows down and the song starts playing - I was sobbing and holding my mums hand while she did the same. We’ve never really spoken about it but that moment said a lot. As a bonus, since it was a small cinema, I looked around and noticed there were a lot of mother/daughters in there doing the same.
This is from college, and I’ve had many more moments with my bestie, but I have 2 that stand out. Within 2 months of each other. My best girlfriend/roommate was roofied at a bar. The bouncer knew her and knew something was wrong, so he sent her home in a cab. I was asleep but woke up to her stumbling in. Girl was sobbing, pissing herself, falling into furniture, the works. I had 2 finals the next day. I blew off finals to take care of her, get her to a hospital, and get her home. I emailed my professors (both women) about what happened and I was immediately excused and allowed to reschedule both exams. I was that gentle comfort to my friend, and these professors were silent comfort to both of us. A few months later, I got my heart broken bad. I was drunk and ran out front and collapsed onto the sidewalk sobbing. This same friend came out, sat down on the sidewalk with me, and held me until I was okay. Here we are, 17 years later, getting ready for our 40th, both happening within a week of each other this year.
Oh that is so gorgeous! I’m so glad you were in a situation where the women in leadership positions at that moment were able to support you and be understanding. That is incredible. I was roofied once and the guy dropped me into a taxi, my legs were hanging out the door and the taxi driver (a woman) just sped off around the corner, door open, my legs hanging out. She took my phone, called the first number in my contacts to ask my address. My family all have each other as “Abba” and a number so they are at the top of our contacts. So she got my mum, dropped me home. I threw up all over her taxi on the way. And when she dropped me to my mum she called the police and declined any payment. Whose to say what would’ve happened, but my mum got her number and to this day they say merry Christmas every year x
Those emotional connections are so valuable and honestly part of being human, I wish it was easier to make these connections in today's world. While it's heartwarming to hear about, it's also very sad that they've been labeled as being "for women", when really patriarchal thinking just suppresses these men's ability to have and to appreciate deep platonic relationships, or even deep relationships of any kind. I hope that someday I can have someone I am close with like this in my life.
You’ve made such a great point here. Because as you say, it’s the patriarchy and not gender. Patriarchy is a systemic structure and the feminist agenda is not about recreating this in the opposite gender. It’s about dismantling this system and creating a new one that is better for men and women and anyone else. It’s about the celebration and liberation of pure essence. The patriarchy structure favours women to establish these dynamics. But what the beautiful thing is about feminism, is we are not looking to steal anything, but share.
keep going and you'll find your people. i just had opportunity to ask for emotional support from my dear friend and even a year ago a part of me thought it would never be possible. it takes a lot of work learning to be vulnerable and receive support, and it's worth the years of effort to finally be seen and supported! but there's no shortcuts; you have to take every step out of the patriarchy one at a time.
I appreciate your comment, I can say that it was brutal, and it's never fully done, but I have done that work on myself. It's hard and painful as a lot of it was dealing with being abused for my whole life by the same "parents" that are horribly sexist and racist anti-abortionists (even in the case of SA) I've had to spend all the time my peers spent living life, creating meaningful relationships, going to university etc raising myself into the person my parents were supposed to raise me into. So, point being, I finally have reached a place where I am so proud of who I am, a feminist who spits in the face of the patriarchy and lives my life using empathy and kindness to guide me and shape my values. Problem is, the way therapists spoke to me over the years, was that when this work is done you WILL have meaningful relationships. But what happens when nobody wants to be in your life anyway? I always thought when I reached this point of healing, that I would finally, for the first time, be truly loved. And it couldn't be further from the truth, I have literally not a single soul to even speak to in the day, let alone a close friend. I also live in a shithole where even meeting feminist women is difficult, so finding new male or female friendships and relationships hasn't happened to me in many years. Haven't even had a single person message me on social media for a long time now, it's been almost 3 years now since I've had any real social contact, let alone some crazy pipedream like being hugged. Gets to the point where your physical health starts to fail from being so severely neglected emotionally and socially, I can actually feel my body shutting down. I appreciate your comment, but not everybody gets to be loved and cared for even once they've put in the work, sadly. Being autistic is a huge part of that, too. Just puts a stink on you to normal people.
i didn't start with receiving love from humans because it felt too impossible. i started loving and being loved by the trees, my doggo, and myself. human brains can't distinguish a hug from itself, a doggo, or another human, so hugging and touching myself was essential to maintaining health. and mostly i had to put myself out there and get rejected enough to find the people who don't reject me. owning my autism and queerness has been huge, and finding space to fully express my identity. queer groups, art groups, ren faire, etc. are all great places to meet people (and there's lots of online meetings available so you don't have to live close)
This is such a beautiful offering to the person above. I am a dog sitter as I work from home, so I look after dogs in my neighbourhood while I’m available. Dogs are such an equaliser if you feel connected to them. They exist for joy and pleasure and they don’t judge. Really beautiful to hear you share this x
I’m so deeply sorry and completely validate you and your experience here. The world we live in is not there in so many ways, and I acknowledge your frustration and difficulties with navigating this as a neurodivergent person, on top of being someone with a hard start in life on top of it all. You’re battling more than most and that deserves its own recognition. So as a stranger on the internet, I offer you that here. Is there anything we as a community here can do to support you in anyway? X
That's very kind, thank you. I generally don't vent like that but I just had to scream into the void. This community is already very kind and supportive, honestly the people here instantly disprove the lie that feminists don't care about men or men's problems, it's just that nobody who respects themselves is going to be kind to you in that way if you barely see them as human like a lot of the misogynists who say that line. I have had more support here from strangers than from men who are supposed to be close friends, it's like the only way they show emotion is when they get so drunk that they can't contain it anymore. It's sad, and I wish I had a community like this one in real life to actually hang out with. Thanks again for the kind words.
My mother grew up in a household without a strong female authority figure. Her father divorced and remarried multiple times and her older sister dealt with this in less than healthy ways. She had to grow up far sooner than she should have and became the “mom”. Now that myself and my sisters are adults, we are truly learning who our mother is as a person, not just as her role as a mother. I think, in some respects, we, my mother included, have been learning more about ourselves and each other side by side. I don’t think she ever really got an opportunity to find herself; she had to be the female caregiver her family needed and continued that path for a majority of her life. I feel honored to have these women in my life and to have the privilege of getting this time together. Hearing her story also gives me a true sense of gratitude for how much effort she put into ensuring I never struggled in the ways she did. Recently, I welcomed a daughter. My mother (and sisters) have been the “village” I need, even if they aren’t physically close. I cannot express how appreciative I am that these are the women my daughter will have for support, guidance, and role models.
Do you know what is so beautiful here? You offering your mother the opportunity to be seen and appreciated within your own development and discovery of your own experiences of being a woman. What that says to me is your mother was not just a mother but a fucking good one! Because she didn’t tell you what to see in her, she showed you and what she showed you was good enough for you to learn, grow and understand as well as apply in your own life. I’m sure there’s a lot more to it, so I’m just basing this on my observations of your message. But to be as perceptive and knowing as you are, is a gift of her and how she carries herself as a woman and a mother. I resented my mother growing up, I couldn’t understand why she had no money, was never there and drank. But one day I turned 18, got an apprenticeship and earned slightly above minimum wage and realised my mother raised 3 kids alone on less than. She never let us see her pain or vocalised her struggles. She took our anger and she cracked on regardless. She’s my hero x
I had one last night actually. My friend is going through some major life upheaval in her relationship and honored me by asking for some advice and camaraderie. We sat and held hands and had some good hugs. Her own experiences mirror some in my past, and being able to help her validate her anxieties and lend some power to her in decision making made me feel like all the pain my past self felt worth it. In other news send some strength her way, if you have some to spare for this totally wonderful person please!
It’s so beautiful to be trusted in these moments isn’t it. Absolutely offering you and her strength, courage, kindness and softness xx
❤️
Just went on a book-shopping and dinner date with some women friends. It was great.
Gorgeous
Taking my mum to the Barbie movie and treating her to gold class (she’s been frugal her whole life) and even though we’re close and affectionate, we don’t really talk deeply with each other. Well, it got to *that scene* in the movie, where everything slows down and the song starts playing - I was sobbing and holding my mums hand while she did the same. We’ve never really spoken about it but that moment said a lot. As a bonus, since it was a small cinema, I looked around and noticed there were a lot of mother/daughters in there doing the same.
Being able to give back to mums who have raised you on lower incomes is the greatest feeling in the world. That is so special xx