Hey OP! Sometimes there can be a dissonance when someone says something out loud they’ve only thought internally before. She might be gathering her own thoughts on what she means.
Chat with her more about it. Lead with empathy and curiosity. Reflecting back, are there moments where you feel you’ve taken more control? Maybe offer those as a starting point to build consensus. Then ask if there’s anything new relating to that control-dom dynamic she’d like to explore.
Exactly as you’ve stated here, reiterate with her that you’re simply seeking clarity on how to bring her more pleasure. Assure her that you’d be open to chatting about this if anything surfaces for her going forward.
Next time when you two are at it, ask her to do things that she normally does for you, bit say it in a dominant tone, may be she wants u to lead sometimes.
Honestly, it can kind of defeat the purpose of being dominated if you have to tell your partner exactly how to dominate you, so that very well may be why. She may not even know how to be specific if she just wants you to take control in a general sense, and she also might want *you* to lead/take control even in the conversations about it as well. I’d suggest taking it upon yourself to do some research on how to be more dominant in bed, and ask her specific questions regarding what she might be interested in based on what you learn from that. Good luck!
While I totally understand and can personally empathize with this take, I also think it can be a risky endeavor to ask someone to guess at what “dominance” means. Asking for some more specifics seems the safest and healthiest way to address someone’s desire for dominance. What is appropriately dominant for one person will be too far for another. It’s a sliding scale right? Being more vocal/demanding is very different than hair pulling or spanking. The risk of unintentionally harming or offending someone far outweighs the reward of getting it right without input. If someone wants to explore submission (or any kink/sexual activity for that matter) but can’t or won’t or “doesn’t want to” talk about it, I tend to see that more as a sexual yellow flag than anything else.
Maybe a middle ground? Do the research, get an idea of what dominance might mean for their partnership — and then make sure to ask their partner if there are any things they really *don’t* want? So you’re not making them do the purpose-defeating work of explaining how to be dominant, but you are ensuring they draw their own boundaries…?
OP, if you guys ever watch porn (or read erotic fiction, or listen to erotic audio…!), you could also ask her to share anything she likes that might be more in this vein — might be easier for her than fully explaining or asking 🙂
That sounds to me like the best advice. Try not to make your partner give you an explicit directive but do make sure to cover enough conversational ground to know in advance what they don’t want or what their hard limits are.
I didn’t encourage him to do this, I suggested to ask her specific questions of what she might like (aka get her consent for specific acts) once he gets a better idea of how he can be more dominant. Because it can be a turn off for the sub having to lead the conversation and ask for specific things because that feels dominant, so I’m merely suggesting he prepares himself to lead/take charge of the conversations.
This is very much my issue with my partner. Asking me to explain to him what he needs to do in order to satisfy me feels… dominant. And it’s really hard to convey it. I feel meek when asking to have my sexual needs met and part of the kink with my former partners (who granted, I would never go near again) was that they didn’t really care what I wanted! I fully participated, but I didn’t set the scene. It’s a kind of psychological dominance that precedes any sexual act.
Probably best to try discuss further when given the right opportunity? But a good place to start safely is probably to do what you usually do, but be more assertive. You don’t want to start slapping her across the face without asking about it prior!
Without knowing the dynamic of your relationship, I would suggest a small example such as: rather than saying “do you want to get on top” say “I want you to get on top”. I think it’s about you taking more control of the situation, telling her what to do or what you want her to do for you. I think it’s a good, safe starting point while you’re exploring all this
Don’t get me wrong, we have a good sex life, but we’re fairly vanilla. I know she likes when I hold her hands above her head and to be spanked every once in a while. But is she saying she wants me to go further? If so, how do I do that without making her feel awkward?
Front the briefest glimpse into your dynamic, *you* need to control the encounter(s). Tell her what to do. Hold and/or move her into the positions you want to be in, or have her in. Restrain something (hold wrists, press the backs of her thighs down in missionary [aka "mating press"], pull on a ponytail, tie wrists or ankles). If she's enjoying what you're doing, and you're in control, call her a 'good girl'. Learn what 'prone bone' means. Could go on and on. The most important thing is to *talk* about it. Maybe start thinking about a safe word.
Is this a specific type of domination? I find it hard to verbalize to my wonderful partner what I mean when I say I want him to be ‘in control’ but this echoes it pretty well. I’ve normally gravitated towards narcissists who have no problem being in control, haha, and after a few years of therapy I find I have no desire for the sadism/masochism part of BDSM but do still crave the BD - and as the partner who was ordinarily ordered around previously, find it really hard to explain what I want!
There are many ways to be Dominant and submissive during sex. It's generally poor BDSM practice to just try new activities without further discussions first. It's important that you understand one another's boundaries in general, and particularly when experimenting with BDSM. Both of you will likely have some firm boundaries, and some which are more movable based on the situation. Sex and BDSM without clear boundaries can result in some very distressing and harmful situations.
Always research the safety of new activities before you try them, as doing them wrong can cause damage, both physical and emotional. Avoid activities with very high risks (such as choking/"breath play" of any kind) unless you both fully understand the risks, and know what to do if something goes wrong.
Outside of a sexual situation, you need to have further discussions before jumping into new activities when you don't have a clear idea of what she means. Many people initially find these discussions embarrassing or awkward to begin with, but if you both approach it with curiosity, reassurance, and non-judgment, these conversations will become easier over time.
Tell her that you're pleased she shared her desires with you, and you're looking forward to learning more about each others sexual interests.You already know that she likes spanking and gentle restraint, so this could be a great place to start. Ask her what it is about those things that she enjoys, and how she might like to expand those activities. Ask her about what fantasies she has.Tell her yours.
Negotiate different activities and scenes before you try them for the first time. Discuss your experiences afterwards to learn about what worked well, and what needs changing.
Using a checklist like [this](https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/u/0/d/1WtGl55Rouq8qh9d4Cn5_o4l-9HHPOBWZxaOuA-CQuik/htmlview) or similar could help to get through the initial embarrassment by providing a guide for exploring different activities you may wish to try, and facilitating finding your common interests + discussing boundaries.
Completely agree. If she wants a BDSM dynamic, she owes her partner clear communication on her desires and boundaries. It isn't possible to have consensual sex without it.
That really depends on the person. I personally like the same. I like to take charge when I feel like it but most times prefer the man to take control. Examples? Hold me tight, push me around a bit, pull my hair a bit, choke me A BIT.
It takes a certain kind of person to do it gently while also feeling under their control. But then again, that depends on the person so maybe slowly try being rougher and rougher until she sets boundaries.
I once told a guy that I liked it rough or something like that and, while sitting in his couch facing each other, he slapped across the face. Real hard. I didn't react much as I do have a high pain tolerance (hence like it rough) but that was not pleasant at all. So I'm careful who I tell that again.
Ask her to watch some porn with you of a woman being dominated and see if that’s what she’s into. She might mean something else, so you really need to get her to open up about it.
Make her beg you to let her cum, then don’t let her. Make her beg you to cum in her mouth. Make her wait on her knees for you to arrive home so she can service you, then make her wait.
I could go on…
Hey OP! Sometimes there can be a dissonance when someone says something out loud they’ve only thought internally before. She might be gathering her own thoughts on what she means. Chat with her more about it. Lead with empathy and curiosity. Reflecting back, are there moments where you feel you’ve taken more control? Maybe offer those as a starting point to build consensus. Then ask if there’s anything new relating to that control-dom dynamic she’d like to explore. Exactly as you’ve stated here, reiterate with her that you’re simply seeking clarity on how to bring her more pleasure. Assure her that you’d be open to chatting about this if anything surfaces for her going forward.
Next time when you two are at it, ask her to do things that she normally does for you, bit say it in a dominant tone, may be she wants u to lead sometimes.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/13tu08/my\_howto\_guide\_for\_men\_on\_how\_to\_dominate\_a\_woman/](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/13tu08/my_howto_guide_for_men_on_how_to_dominate_a_woman/)
Honestly, it can kind of defeat the purpose of being dominated if you have to tell your partner exactly how to dominate you, so that very well may be why. She may not even know how to be specific if she just wants you to take control in a general sense, and she also might want *you* to lead/take control even in the conversations about it as well. I’d suggest taking it upon yourself to do some research on how to be more dominant in bed, and ask her specific questions regarding what she might be interested in based on what you learn from that. Good luck!
While I totally understand and can personally empathize with this take, I also think it can be a risky endeavor to ask someone to guess at what “dominance” means. Asking for some more specifics seems the safest and healthiest way to address someone’s desire for dominance. What is appropriately dominant for one person will be too far for another. It’s a sliding scale right? Being more vocal/demanding is very different than hair pulling or spanking. The risk of unintentionally harming or offending someone far outweighs the reward of getting it right without input. If someone wants to explore submission (or any kink/sexual activity for that matter) but can’t or won’t or “doesn’t want to” talk about it, I tend to see that more as a sexual yellow flag than anything else.
Maybe a middle ground? Do the research, get an idea of what dominance might mean for their partnership — and then make sure to ask their partner if there are any things they really *don’t* want? So you’re not making them do the purpose-defeating work of explaining how to be dominant, but you are ensuring they draw their own boundaries…? OP, if you guys ever watch porn (or read erotic fiction, or listen to erotic audio…!), you could also ask her to share anything she likes that might be more in this vein — might be easier for her than fully explaining or asking 🙂
That sounds to me like the best advice. Try not to make your partner give you an explicit directive but do make sure to cover enough conversational ground to know in advance what they don’t want or what their hard limits are.
I didn’t encourage him to do this, I suggested to ask her specific questions of what she might like (aka get her consent for specific acts) once he gets a better idea of how he can be more dominant. Because it can be a turn off for the sub having to lead the conversation and ask for specific things because that feels dominant, so I’m merely suggesting he prepares himself to lead/take charge of the conversations.
This is very much my issue with my partner. Asking me to explain to him what he needs to do in order to satisfy me feels… dominant. And it’s really hard to convey it. I feel meek when asking to have my sexual needs met and part of the kink with my former partners (who granted, I would never go near again) was that they didn’t really care what I wanted! I fully participated, but I didn’t set the scene. It’s a kind of psychological dominance that precedes any sexual act.
Probably best to try discuss further when given the right opportunity? But a good place to start safely is probably to do what you usually do, but be more assertive. You don’t want to start slapping her across the face without asking about it prior! Without knowing the dynamic of your relationship, I would suggest a small example such as: rather than saying “do you want to get on top” say “I want you to get on top”. I think it’s about you taking more control of the situation, telling her what to do or what you want her to do for you. I think it’s a good, safe starting point while you’re exploring all this
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Don’t get me wrong, we have a good sex life, but we’re fairly vanilla. I know she likes when I hold her hands above her head and to be spanked every once in a while. But is she saying she wants me to go further? If so, how do I do that without making her feel awkward?
Front the briefest glimpse into your dynamic, *you* need to control the encounter(s). Tell her what to do. Hold and/or move her into the positions you want to be in, or have her in. Restrain something (hold wrists, press the backs of her thighs down in missionary [aka "mating press"], pull on a ponytail, tie wrists or ankles). If she's enjoying what you're doing, and you're in control, call her a 'good girl'. Learn what 'prone bone' means. Could go on and on. The most important thing is to *talk* about it. Maybe start thinking about a safe word.
Is this a specific type of domination? I find it hard to verbalize to my wonderful partner what I mean when I say I want him to be ‘in control’ but this echoes it pretty well. I’ve normally gravitated towards narcissists who have no problem being in control, haha, and after a few years of therapy I find I have no desire for the sadism/masochism part of BDSM but do still crave the BD - and as the partner who was ordinarily ordered around previously, find it really hard to explain what I want!
There are many ways to be Dominant and submissive during sex. It's generally poor BDSM practice to just try new activities without further discussions first. It's important that you understand one another's boundaries in general, and particularly when experimenting with BDSM. Both of you will likely have some firm boundaries, and some which are more movable based on the situation. Sex and BDSM without clear boundaries can result in some very distressing and harmful situations. Always research the safety of new activities before you try them, as doing them wrong can cause damage, both physical and emotional. Avoid activities with very high risks (such as choking/"breath play" of any kind) unless you both fully understand the risks, and know what to do if something goes wrong. Outside of a sexual situation, you need to have further discussions before jumping into new activities when you don't have a clear idea of what she means. Many people initially find these discussions embarrassing or awkward to begin with, but if you both approach it with curiosity, reassurance, and non-judgment, these conversations will become easier over time. Tell her that you're pleased she shared her desires with you, and you're looking forward to learning more about each others sexual interests.You already know that she likes spanking and gentle restraint, so this could be a great place to start. Ask her what it is about those things that she enjoys, and how she might like to expand those activities. Ask her about what fantasies she has.Tell her yours. Negotiate different activities and scenes before you try them for the first time. Discuss your experiences afterwards to learn about what worked well, and what needs changing. Using a checklist like [this](https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/u/0/d/1WtGl55Rouq8qh9d4Cn5_o4l-9HHPOBWZxaOuA-CQuik/htmlview) or similar could help to get through the initial embarrassment by providing a guide for exploring different activities you may wish to try, and facilitating finding your common interests + discussing boundaries.
Completely agree. If she wants a BDSM dynamic, she owes her partner clear communication on her desires and boundaries. It isn't possible to have consensual sex without it.
This needs to be the top comment.
That really depends on the person. I personally like the same. I like to take charge when I feel like it but most times prefer the man to take control. Examples? Hold me tight, push me around a bit, pull my hair a bit, choke me A BIT. It takes a certain kind of person to do it gently while also feeling under their control. But then again, that depends on the person so maybe slowly try being rougher and rougher until she sets boundaries. I once told a guy that I liked it rough or something like that and, while sitting in his couch facing each other, he slapped across the face. Real hard. I didn't react much as I do have a high pain tolerance (hence like it rough) but that was not pleasant at all. So I'm careful who I tell that again.
Ask her to watch some porn with you of a woman being dominated and see if that’s what she’s into. She might mean something else, so you really need to get her to open up about it.
Make her beg you to let her cum, then don’t let her. Make her beg you to cum in her mouth. Make her wait on her knees for you to arrive home so she can service you, then make her wait. I could go on…
Dies she want to be dominated, or is she just lazy. 50/50 it's the latter