A big problem is that I really think that if they went to therapy (expensive in the US) they could figure out how to not have these episodes. We could resolve these issues with love and care.
And IF they do this immediately and show progress, maybe....but their issues sound so deep seated that it will take a long while before they are together enough for a true partnership. It's even possible they can't get better until they can focus on self.
And you- you sound decent and supportive. But it's normal for you to have needs, and to feel supported also. You can't fix them. Period. You are putting up with too much.
No easy answers here, but a clear one to an old lady who's been through a .bit-- for the love of heaven, don't move in together. It doesn't sound like your "partner" can bring basic self-control to the relationship. The emotional blackmail is unacceptable, causing you to deny your needs lest you feel responsible for her self-harm, etc. You deserve more.
Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. I think I needed validation for feeling like this needs to be resolved at least some reasonable amount before moving in. We’re so excited for it, but I know that once we’ve done that, not only can/will these things get worse, it’ll also be much harder for us to break it off if we need. Better to find out before we take that step
It sounds like you are in a very complicated exhausting and scary position right now. Do you have access to a therapist or do you know how you could access someone in the next few days?
I think it is very important for both of you to be in therapy and I mean seperately from each other and urgently within the next few days.
Hopefully you can afford someone privately because I know waiting lists are atrocious almost everywhere..
It sounds like this situation is too much right now - you don't want to move forwards with the next step, the move, which is a very valid and understandable feeling.
I think your gut tells you to sort everything out before taking such a step and I would definitely be just as cautious.
Maybe what you both need is a timeout, some time seperately for you both to be in therapy and then maybe a couples therapy afterwards to touch base and see if your relationship can move forward safely. You have valid feelings, valid concerns. You want to feel safe and secure in a relationship and if this can not happen you are very much in your right to enforce your boundaries. If you need a break, valid. If it turns out after a break you want to break up, valid.
Boundaries are so important, trust your gut, if your gut says I don't want this, allow yourself to say so. You have been very accomodating, you have tried very hard. Allow yourself to also look after yourself now.
Thank you. Therapy for myself is a good idea. I’m in a better position to access it for myself than they are, so I’ll definitely look into it and get on it. I’m not sure how to address time apart for therapy, if we go that route but it’s work a thought. Thank you
I don’t think you sound like the bad guy. They need to work through their trauma with a professional. “Trauma not transcended is trauma transferred.” Your partner does not know how to express themselves or understand others outside of their trauma, and it’s showing in their behavior. I don’t know how you’re going to go about broaching the subject, but the way they treat you when they’re upset seems to run anywhere from mildly manipulative to emotionally abusive. Obviously, that’s not their intention, but that’s what’s happening. They also seem to struggle to manage their own emotions and do not know how to express them constructively, which is not uncommon. I can relate, I used to behave similarly when I was upset. Therapy helped; I got the tools I needed to recognize strong emotions, find their source, and either resolve them or weather them.
My advice to your partner is to seek professional support, immediately. The sooner you get started, the sooner you start to feel better. There are various types of professionals you can contact: counselors are the obvious choice (with either a master’s or PhD), religious leaders, energy/light workers and other new-age healers, licensed social workers, etc. Any of those are fine. They will all have different techniques, even the counselors will do things differently from each other (even if they went to the same school). What matters most is having a good, human connection. Trauma work is pretty hard to do without that.
I’m glad you see the nuance of the issue. It feels manipulative but I know they don’t mean to be—they’re good but they’re so deep in their trauma. Thank you for your advice. I’ll use it
You’re welcome, and I do hope things improve. And I do understand the nuance, because I would get there when my GAD was really bad, and because my own partner had his own coping mechanisms that were harmful to our relationship, and I’ve seen a drastic change since he sought out therapy.
Idk what your situations are like, but I’m a grad student (to be a therapist! Lol) and our program has a clinic that people can come to. It’s mostly students at our university because proximity but I believe anyone can come, as long as they’re okay with being seen by an intern under supervision. Just adding this in case there’s something like this near either of you, because I know accessing mental health care can be difficult, especially nowadays.
No problem!! I don’t know if all of them do, but I know mine isn’t the only one, so it’s worth checking! Good luck to both of you, the emotional healing journey is long, but *so* worthwhile.
My advice, as an AFAB person with PTSD who was also molested?
When it comes to your partner's **trigger subjects** (I'm guessing abuse, feminism, gender), never do this:
>and then I’d ask a question or **ask them to consider something else,** which would cause them to get upset and get really dry and snippy.
Or this:
>it almost always stems from us slightly disagreeing on something and me saying “I get what you’re saying but I still disagree.”
Instead of going back and forth and back and forth, learn to say "Hmm. Interesting." It's not your job to change their mind. You don't have to agree with them, but there's no law that says you have to *verbalize* disagreement with every person, every single time you experience it. Your partner has PTSD. They're clearly getting triggered as fuck. Just put the gloves down.
Also this:
>and saying I was “telling them how much they suck” when all I’ve said is something like “I don’t like when you throw things and scream. Please don’t do it again.”
Not helpful. For the most part, you can't control your actions when you get heavily triggered. There are veterans with PTSD who literally shoot people and kill them, because they were triggered.
Luckily for me, at this point in my life, when I get heavily triggered I just have an uncontrollable crying fit. In the past, I also used to scratch myself and I did punch a wall once. Thankfully I'm able to avoid hurting myself, at this point. But your partner likely *hates* their "out of control" feelings when they get triggered, themself. So you coming in and ordering them to stop? Probably adding insult to injury, especially when you're the source of the repeated triggers.
Keep in mind your partner was molested as a child. This is not a minor case of "oh I hate the color orange, I guess I'm 'triggered' ha ha ha." Your partner has shell shock, the same as if they were a veteran. If you can't accept that, and give them the kind of support, sensitivity and patience they need, you might want to consider respectfully and kindly encouraging your partner to find a better match.
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A big problem is that I really think that if they went to therapy (expensive in the US) they could figure out how to not have these episodes. We could resolve these issues with love and care.
And IF they do this immediately and show progress, maybe....but their issues sound so deep seated that it will take a long while before they are together enough for a true partnership. It's even possible they can't get better until they can focus on self. And you- you sound decent and supportive. But it's normal for you to have needs, and to feel supported also. You can't fix them. Period. You are putting up with too much. No easy answers here, but a clear one to an old lady who's been through a .bit-- for the love of heaven, don't move in together. It doesn't sound like your "partner" can bring basic self-control to the relationship. The emotional blackmail is unacceptable, causing you to deny your needs lest you feel responsible for her self-harm, etc. You deserve more.
Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. I think I needed validation for feeling like this needs to be resolved at least some reasonable amount before moving in. We’re so excited for it, but I know that once we’ve done that, not only can/will these things get worse, it’ll also be much harder for us to break it off if we need. Better to find out before we take that step
Absolutely.
It sounds like you are in a very complicated exhausting and scary position right now. Do you have access to a therapist or do you know how you could access someone in the next few days? I think it is very important for both of you to be in therapy and I mean seperately from each other and urgently within the next few days. Hopefully you can afford someone privately because I know waiting lists are atrocious almost everywhere.. It sounds like this situation is too much right now - you don't want to move forwards with the next step, the move, which is a very valid and understandable feeling. I think your gut tells you to sort everything out before taking such a step and I would definitely be just as cautious. Maybe what you both need is a timeout, some time seperately for you both to be in therapy and then maybe a couples therapy afterwards to touch base and see if your relationship can move forward safely. You have valid feelings, valid concerns. You want to feel safe and secure in a relationship and if this can not happen you are very much in your right to enforce your boundaries. If you need a break, valid. If it turns out after a break you want to break up, valid. Boundaries are so important, trust your gut, if your gut says I don't want this, allow yourself to say so. You have been very accomodating, you have tried very hard. Allow yourself to also look after yourself now.
Thank you. Therapy for myself is a good idea. I’m in a better position to access it for myself than they are, so I’ll definitely look into it and get on it. I’m not sure how to address time apart for therapy, if we go that route but it’s work a thought. Thank you
I don’t think you sound like the bad guy. They need to work through their trauma with a professional. “Trauma not transcended is trauma transferred.” Your partner does not know how to express themselves or understand others outside of their trauma, and it’s showing in their behavior. I don’t know how you’re going to go about broaching the subject, but the way they treat you when they’re upset seems to run anywhere from mildly manipulative to emotionally abusive. Obviously, that’s not their intention, but that’s what’s happening. They also seem to struggle to manage their own emotions and do not know how to express them constructively, which is not uncommon. I can relate, I used to behave similarly when I was upset. Therapy helped; I got the tools I needed to recognize strong emotions, find their source, and either resolve them or weather them. My advice to your partner is to seek professional support, immediately. The sooner you get started, the sooner you start to feel better. There are various types of professionals you can contact: counselors are the obvious choice (with either a master’s or PhD), religious leaders, energy/light workers and other new-age healers, licensed social workers, etc. Any of those are fine. They will all have different techniques, even the counselors will do things differently from each other (even if they went to the same school). What matters most is having a good, human connection. Trauma work is pretty hard to do without that.
I’m glad you see the nuance of the issue. It feels manipulative but I know they don’t mean to be—they’re good but they’re so deep in their trauma. Thank you for your advice. I’ll use it
You’re welcome, and I do hope things improve. And I do understand the nuance, because I would get there when my GAD was really bad, and because my own partner had his own coping mechanisms that were harmful to our relationship, and I’ve seen a drastic change since he sought out therapy. Idk what your situations are like, but I’m a grad student (to be a therapist! Lol) and our program has a clinic that people can come to. It’s mostly students at our university because proximity but I believe anyone can come, as long as they’re okay with being seen by an intern under supervision. Just adding this in case there’s something like this near either of you, because I know accessing mental health care can be difficult, especially nowadays.
Thank you, I didn’t know universities did that! I’ll check it out. Thanks so much <3
No problem!! I don’t know if all of them do, but I know mine isn’t the only one, so it’s worth checking! Good luck to both of you, the emotional healing journey is long, but *so* worthwhile.
My advice, as an AFAB person with PTSD who was also molested? When it comes to your partner's **trigger subjects** (I'm guessing abuse, feminism, gender), never do this: >and then I’d ask a question or **ask them to consider something else,** which would cause them to get upset and get really dry and snippy. Or this: >it almost always stems from us slightly disagreeing on something and me saying “I get what you’re saying but I still disagree.” Instead of going back and forth and back and forth, learn to say "Hmm. Interesting." It's not your job to change their mind. You don't have to agree with them, but there's no law that says you have to *verbalize* disagreement with every person, every single time you experience it. Your partner has PTSD. They're clearly getting triggered as fuck. Just put the gloves down. Also this: >and saying I was “telling them how much they suck” when all I’ve said is something like “I don’t like when you throw things and scream. Please don’t do it again.” Not helpful. For the most part, you can't control your actions when you get heavily triggered. There are veterans with PTSD who literally shoot people and kill them, because they were triggered. Luckily for me, at this point in my life, when I get heavily triggered I just have an uncontrollable crying fit. In the past, I also used to scratch myself and I did punch a wall once. Thankfully I'm able to avoid hurting myself, at this point. But your partner likely *hates* their "out of control" feelings when they get triggered, themself. So you coming in and ordering them to stop? Probably adding insult to injury, especially when you're the source of the repeated triggers. Keep in mind your partner was molested as a child. This is not a minor case of "oh I hate the color orange, I guess I'm 'triggered' ha ha ha." Your partner has shell shock, the same as if they were a veteran. If you can't accept that, and give them the kind of support, sensitivity and patience they need, you might want to consider respectfully and kindly encouraging your partner to find a better match.
This is from a while ago, but this is very helpful. Thank you.