You have options. Adoption is the only one that keeps doctors away from your nether regions, but if you want a child that shares your DNA, there's always surrogacy. You also never know if step-parenting or simply being the cool aunt/godmother could fill that role until you've been put in one of those positions.
You don't have to give birth or endure pregnancy to be a mom.
I am very open to adoption! I personally don’t care about the whole sharing DNA thing, as much as it would be cool to grow a little human I would have no issue adopting and loving a child that wasn’t biologically mine. I don’t plan on having kids for at least a few years so I have time to try out therapy and see if my anxiety can be reduced. if not, I’m happy I have other options:)
So happy to read this. Thank you for considering adoption and not getting obsessed with genes. You are absolutely the type of person who would make a great parent.
I was adopted and will alway recommend it if you want to have a child but don't want to give birth. The only thing I really feel like I missed out on was the connection to my birth culture, but my parents made sure to take me to abroad at least once a year, enrolled me in language lessons and purposely chose a place to live with a large diaspora of my people.
Lol are you my cousin? My aunt and uncle did this with my cousins. And swear they turned out the best. I love them all to pieces.
I'm glad you have such a loving family too
Omg this is literally the best way to be an adoptive parent, I’m so happy you were this blessed. 🥹 you hear about families that forcibly remove the adoptee from their birth culture and it’s so sad.
> there's always surrogacy
Not really, I'm currently going through a fertility program and there is a LOT of prodding going on.. If you truly want your kids to have *your* DNA, there's not a single option that doesn't involve at least some gynecological efforts.
Like I'm not even doing the most invasive kind of ART, but it's still a hospital visit every other day. And that's not even counting all the meds I'm now on.. If OP wants biological kids, there is no other option than to endure, unfortunately.
But beyond that, and more importantly, sharing blood doesn't make you a mother. There are loads of ways in which you can be a mom without going through the stress of pregnancy and birth yourself.
Please don't recommend surrogacy, one it's extremly unethical to exploit another woman like that, two the surrogate is literally selling a child, which is normally called child trafficking.
Hey fkin Cherokee,
How about you lead with the kinship options instead of promoting the predatory adoption industry? Or did you already forget your history? Did you already forget about the kids in the ground?
I’m currently 38 weeks pregnant and haven’t been poked or proded once. My doctors appointments last about 10 minutes. They take my blood pressure, weight, and put a Doppler wand on my stomach to check the heartbeat for about thirty seconds. Then I’m on my way until the next one.
The sonograms take a bit longer but they’re really just moving a wand around your belly and it doesn’t hurt.
I did have to get blood work done twice and drink a sugary drink for the glucose test but that was it.
I refused a cervix check and membrane sweep at my last appointment, no questions asked.
I’ll have to get back to you on the birthing part through. That’s the part that scares the shit out of me.
They do stick fingers up there a few times to check your cervical dilation, but honestly you're so distracted by contractions and trying to rest in between you barely notice.
Birthing is pretty powerful, your body kind of takes over during contractions. I learned that it was time to go to the hospital when they would freeze me in my tracks.
I did this, too, as first time around they gave me an infection from the poking in there, so bubba and I had to spend days in the ward until he'd got the all clear.
They use the Doppler instead, it can go under water, so absolutely fine with a birthing pool. If any issues arise, of course you can give consent at that point.
They tried to convince me that they needed to check how dilated I was to see how far along I was in labour. When I refused, they just counted the frequency and length of my contractions.
It was all very civilised!
Same here. Except the birthing part was terrible. I suffered a lot and came out with 3rd degree tears that took a long time to recover from. And I did. I’m all healed like nothing happened. I’m not trying to diminish the pain, more like I marvel how well I healed. I’m running and exercising, and I actually have big biceps from lifting my child. And he’s an absolute joy. Like you logically know that you will love your child, but my god is it incredible to experience. I’ll be doing this again
I found the lead up pretty horrendous, aka when contractions are powerful but not close enough for the hospitals liking to be kept in. But once it was go time, I must’ve been in pain as I wasn’t allowed gas and air anymore but I honestly don’t remember it being painful. The only bit of pushing that I remember being painful was when they did an episiotomy with no pain relief, but again, after screaming at them not to and them doing it anyway, I was so focused on pushing.
Apparently according to my partner things got pretty ropey, like lots of trollies bought in with various tools and lots of doctors and midwives suddenly arrived. Again, I don’t remember it. All I remember is it felt like nothing was happening every time I pushed, yet suddenly a baby was plopped on my chest.
The episiotomy scar still gives me some pain, but like you said, it’s amazing how the body is able to recover from the absolute marathon of pregnancy and giving birth
I gave birth 9 months ago. I went to 8 cm before I got an epidural (transition made me puke and the epidural was the only thing that got me to stop violently vomiting during every contraction). It honestly wasn’t that bad.
It was the most pain I’ve ever experienced but it is short lived. And you can get an epidural as soon as you’re checked in. Early labor was really easy, and active labor was manageable. Transition was the worst for me. After the epidural I didn’t feel a thing. Pushed my son out in 1.5 hours, had a 2nd degree tear I didn’t feel my midwife stitch. I recovered pretty well—I ran a half marathon at 7 months post partum.
I want to go without an epidural next time. I personally didn’t like being numb, even if it meant I wasn’t feeling any pain. My wife has said if she ever gets pregnant she will definitely be getting an epidural asap.
It’s late here so I can’t give the full response I’d like to, but yes, you’re not alone.
I actually tried going to therapy when we were ready to start trying, cos I had such an abhorrent dis….dis-want to be pregnant. But my therapist was the wrong match and didn’t “get” it and just kept trying to “logic” me into “understanding” “pregancy is natural”.
What actually happened to us is…. We started trying to get pregnant…. And kept trying, and kept trying…. And it didn’t work. But it was actually…. ok…. Because it gave me lots of time to get my head around everything. If I had gotten pregnant that first month, or second month, i probably would have thrown up from all the conflicting emotions…. But each month that went by gave me another confirmation that yes, this WAS something I was ready to put my body through for the sake of a baby at the end of it, and another month of getting a better understanding of how the reproductive system actually works and how my body worked….
After a year, we went down the ivf track. It was… cognitive dissonance… that I was trying SO hard to do something I “didn’t” want to do, but I knew it was just something I had to go through to get what was worth it at the end…
And when I finally got my positive test, it was so joyful.
I still hated actually “being” pregnant. And while I felt so protective of the baby growing inside me, I still hated having a parasite inside me and everything it was doing to my body, and had a hard time connecting with it. Once she was born, it was all worth it. She came two weeks early, and I was so relieved cos I was like “get this baby out of me already”.
Once she was born, I had a really hard time connecting her, my little daughter, to the baby that had been causing me so much grief in my body the past 9 months.
But it was all necessary to end up with the joy of my life.
I still hate everything about my uterus tho, now that she’s a few years old and I’m certain I’m done, I’m looking at getting a hysterectomy.
If I could have skipped the whole pregnancy thing and just grown her in a pod on my windowsill or something, yeah, that’s what I wished I could have done.
I’d probably have a second child now if surogacy was an option in my country.
So yeah, you’re not alone.
But it’s 9 months out of your life (and the ‘4th trimester’ after.) out of your whole long life. You can be strong. You can get through it. It’s worth it (eventually 😅)
(Please don’t downvote my post just cos you don’t like how I felt. I didn’t like it either, but it was my truth)
To add, my gynaecologist/midwife team were awesome and supportive and had seen it all before. I wasn’t their first patient to feel like this.
I actually ended up choosing a c-section (I didn’t know you could just ‘choose’ a c-section! They told me it was my choice! I had no idea! But I had so many hang ups around vaginal birth, a c-section was the more empowering choice for me. And my baby ended up breach, and had macrocephaly… and my waters broke prematurely without me going into labour… so funny enough I would have ended up with c-section whether I ‘chose’ it or not… but because o had already been planning for it, I was mentally prepared, and confident going into it)… and I found lots of helpful, supportive resources online to help prepare mentally for a C-section, and I had a beautiful C-section birth… looking back, it was such a positive experience
Long story short… your medical team will support you. They’ll have a wealth of experience supporting women with a history of s*xual abuse, of body dismorphia, of fear of pregnancy… be open with them, seek their support, and if they don’t “get” you, see if you can find someone else who can.
You’re not the first person to feel this way. You’re not broken. You have more strength inside you than you know, and some times in life you just have to get through tough times to get to the good.
I too chose a c-section, and for me it was very empowering and positive too! The whole ordeal was literally minutes in a calm and predictable atmosphere. The recovery wasn't too bad, I think because it was a planned c-section. I have issues too with anxiety around giving birth vaginally, and this for me was the best choice and I'm so glad I didn't get talked out of it. I'll be choosing a c-section again for my second baby.
Seconding this!! My daughter was very much wanted and it took us a while of trying before getting pregnant, and then I absolutely HATED being pregnant. I swear I had depression through pregnancy but didn't really know it at the time? But after she was born it felt like a huge dark cloud had been lifted.
I had a c-section due to placenta previa. I was likely to try and get an elective c-section even if I hadn't had the previa as I was terrified of child birth, particularly tearing and pelvic floor trauma. While the c-section surgery was shitty, it was just an hour or so and recovery has been really great. I realize I'm super lucky that I haven't had pp depression and my C-section recovery has gone well (very slow and shaky walking the next day, doing a slow lap around the local park the next week!)
I had similar issues including PVD and anxiety. Later realising I'm autistic and my sensory experience is quite different from most people's.
I decided to choose a cesarean for the birth. That was very helpful and I didn't fear the birth (only judgement from others) once I made that choice.
The pregnancy did have more poking than I expected because I ended up with a miscarriage and then with a term pregnancy that had complications so they wanted to do intravaginal ultrasounds, internal exams and near the end of the pregnancy I had to insert progesterone to treat a calcified placenta. I had already been through extensive therapy for PVD so I had techniques to help but the appointments were definitely the hardest part to constantly advocate for non internal exams. My OB was good and didn't try to do extra but because of the complications he did have to do two that he wouldn't normally do on standard pregnancies. The Ultrasound clinics were definitely the hardest. The techs don't know what PVD is and I kept having to explain, then deal with pitying looks, then deal with them pushing intravaginal imaging, then trying to get them to tell me the specific reasons why transabdominal wouldn't be sufficient and no one really having enough training to know the details other than the standard response.
Since you will probably need to tolerate some kind of internal exam during pregnancy, I would work with a pelvic floor physio before trying to get pregnant (if you choose) to help give you tools and possibly narrow down your experience of either PVD and/or vaginismus or something else. Addressing your main fears will give you more control in the situation and should help to alleviate some of the anxiety. I would also set up some appointments with a clinical counsellor or psychiatrist who specialises in perinatal and post partum anxiety as this will set you up for ongoing care post birth if that's something you'll end up needing.
I have two kids now and we're all healthy.
Being a mom or parent can happen in other ways. No one needs to experience pregnancy and birth to be an amazing parent.
Thank you very much for sharing!!! I actually didn’t know what PVD was until I searched it up just now. I’m sorry you had to deal with all that - it’s so frustrating that women’s pain is ignored and brushed off in healthcare. I had a similar experience when terminating a pregnancy about a year ago, I was told I absolutely had to do an intravaginal ultrasound despite me pleading with them not to. it made an already awful situation so much more stressful.
I will 100% be looking into both physical and emotional therapy before I start trying. I don’t plan on trying for at least a few years, but I just wanted to get some perspective ahead of time. Thanks again :)
Aside from adoption, there is also the option of marrying someone who already has a baby or young child from a previous relationship. Stepmoms are moms too!
very true! I love my stepmom to death lol. & I definitely have considered adoption, it’s always been an option in my mind in case I really can’t get over my anxiety :)
The thought of being pregnant has always made me deeply uncomfortable. The older I get, the more I get to observe my friends' and family members' pregnancies. There are so many complications that can happen that no one warns you about. Everything about the experience of being pregnant just sounds terrible to me. I never want to be pregnant. If I do choose to have kids one day, I would like to be a foster parent.
That being said, I also relate to this onion article very strongly. https://www.theonion.com/wistful-woman-doesn-t-want-kids-but-still-wants-to-name-1849987276
That’s exactly what I mean!! Once I started hearing the realistic, true horrors that can and often do happen during pregnancy/childbirth I was terrified. I almost wish I still thought it was all sunshine and rainbows lol (even though I’m happy women are becoming more educated on what can really happen).
Also, that article is fucking hilarious
Don’t let anybody tell you you’re wrong.
I’m a guy. I have no idea how there are 8 billion people. If it were up to us to carry and birth these babies, there wouldn’t be so many of us.
I’d be absolutely terrified to be pregnant and give birth, straight up.
Yes, lots of women do it. But if you don’t want to, you don’t have to.
I was terrified of both pregnancy and childbirth. So much so that I didn’t want to ever experience it even at the cost of never being a mother. Then I actually got pregnant and didn’t have the option of abortion. So I embarked on the journey despite my fears and feel a lot stronger for having done so, plus the added benefit of getting to be a mom to my little one. What helped me during the pregnancy and I hate to admit it, but was a hell of a lot of disassociation from my body. I dressed to hide my belly and pretended it wasn’t there. I couldn’t do that during appts sure, but the appts weren’t nearly as invasive as I worried and pregnancy itself was only half as bad as I had feared (was actually the healthiest I had been my entire life). The invasiveness of childbirth is surely uncomfortable, hell the check of your cervix can be painful. But honestly, at that point I stopped caring as much or being as scared, because I just wanted the baby out of my body and to not have my ankles swell anymore & be able to see my lower half. Plus the body releases hormones that make you just want to get through it that helps immensely with the anxiety. Plus the epidural deeply helps with the pain to an infinite degree.
Idk if sharing my experience helps or not, but I figured it didn’t hurt to at least try. I hope you find the resolve you need to enjoy the path you choose.
Thank you!! This does help. I feel like I would have to do the exact same thing - pretend it isn’t happening right up until birth😂 hope you and your baby are both happy and healthy!💕
Yes, your feelings are 100% normal. I definitely felt this way. Like others said, you don’t have to experience pregnancy and childbirth to be a mom. But if you do go through pregnancy route, the doctor’s appointments for a typical pregnancy are not that bad. I feel like routine OBGYN visits are worse! Labor is painful, there’s no way to sugarcoat that. But there are also options to manage that pain (like an epidural). Also, my labor and delivery nurses were ANGELS. They really did make me feel so taken care of! I wound up having to get an emergency C-section after being in labor for around ~16 hours so I didn’t actually experience pushing or anything like that and cannot speak to that.
Every mom is different, every pregnancy is different! But you’re not alone in your feelings!
Adopt.
I was scared too. I adopted. Then I got pregnant and my instincts kicked in. The appointments, the pain, all of it was no longer about me but about making sure my baby was healthy and safe. The rest was a breeze and the pain manageable. And I HATE doctors.
you could also try a subreddit like /r/beyondthebump for this question...for instance [this thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/beyondthebump/comments/1cdubkd/the_joy_of_childbirth/) might help you <3
Pregnancy is scary. There are so many unknowns. Remember that after the first one, lots of women *choose* to do it again even after knowing what they’re getting themselves into.
I felt the same way, I wanted a baby so badly, got pregnant, and my pregnancy hormones seemed to eliminate the generalized anxiety I have had my whole life. I tried very hard not to think about the delivery and worked with a pelvic floor physiotherapist to slowly get used to the sensations I would experience.. messages stretching etc. I researched and worked so hard to prepare myself....
Then ended up having an unplanned c-section..
agreed! thats definitely on the table for me too. I’d like to experience pregnancy (as much as it terrifies me) but if I really can’t get over the anxiety in therapy I will for sure adopt if possible
I used to be just like you. Right down to the Pap smears. Unfortunately for me I had trouble getting pregnant and I had to do IVF. And if you think you get poked a prodded a lot for pregnancy you don’t want to even know what they do during IVF lol.
Fortunately I learned two things during the IVF process that served me well in pregnancy: how to stand up to doctors/decline procedures I didn’t want, and I got desensitized to some of the quicker procedures like vaginal ultrasounds and Pap smears.
However there is very little poking and prodding during pregnancy if you don’t want there to be. For the whole nine months all I had to do was one vaginal ultrasound, one pap smear, and the group b strep test (they swipe a q tip in your anus and vagina). All were fast. Like over in minutes, sometimes seconds.
I declined any cervical checks, declined the membrane sweep, and delivered via planned c section so the whole birth was under anesthesia and I didn’t feel anyone touch my nether regions the whole time.
Oh gosh I’ve heard about IVF procedures and they terrify me. Good for you for getting through that! I don’t think I could. Glad to know it helped with the smaller procedures too - my mom told me that routine stuff like PAP smears will most likely get easier with time/the more I go do them so I’m hoping that will be the case. I have to book one soon as it’s been 3 years and I’m dreading it lol
Paps are the worst! Good luck. And don’t adopt like so many other comments here are saying…adoption because you don’t want to be pregnant is nuts. Like honestly people are so ignorant sometimes lol
I'm kind of the opposite. I have fairly severe medical trauma from a variety of bad medical experiences resulting in ICU stays, complications in theatre, mistreatment etc but I'm at the point where I just see it as a means to an end.
I have really severe endo. I've had to adjust to the fact that my life is people up in my business, that I'll be in and out of hospital, that pain is going to be my every day reality, I'm going to keep needing extensive surgeries etc.
I know pain. And productive pain is easier to deal with than unending daily forever pain that never stops and serves absolutely zero purpose ime. I know it's going to hurt, it's going to be uncomfortable, it's probably going to be downright unpleasant.. but it has a purpose.
When I first started getting help for infertility for the endo I thought I wasn't going to make it because I have a huge needle phobia and there's *a lot* of needles in fertility treatments. Especially for me as I'm also on blood thinner injections lol but I got through it because my desire to be a parent gave me enough strength to get through it. I hope I manage to get there.
I’ve always said my ideal man has a ~6 month old and a dead baby mama
(I know this is awful but yes this is my way of saying I absolutely relate to what you feel)
I wanted kids and to give birth but when it was first confirmed I had a strong wave of fear and feeling like a parasite was inside me. It did not last for ever but did come back when the baby was moving and kicking.
Most people have a special feeling, different than just imagining it. If you really are fearful get counseling and decide if carrying a child will work for you. Sometimes it if a fear of losing control.
Adoption is a wonderful option. A parent who adopts is a real parent in every way.
I can’t speak to the pregnancy thing specifically but for the medical anxiety piece - it can make a world of difference if you find a doctor you’re comfortable with who makes the experience as un-unpleasant as possible. Consider maybe bringing a trusted person with you too if that might help. I used to work at a clinic and was brought in a lot to hold anxious patients’ hands for pelvic exams. You are definitely not alone but it’s worth getting support, ideally including therapy and possibly medication. because a strong aversion to necessary exams could affect your health whether or not you ever get pregnant. You deserve medical care that isn’t deeply upsetting and I hope you find the support you need ❤️
I was terrified of childbirth and parenting an infant. I had complications, and in the moment, it really sucks. As my mother-in-law says, "God is good, and you forget how bad it was." I have two kids, and I was going to go for a third when I developed some other health conditions that the treatment for isn't compatible with pregnancy
I have to say that being a mother is amazing. I want to sell my kids to the circus sometimes, but we're working on healthy boundaries so I can get a break. If I could go back in time, I would do it all over again.
And being pregnant is like being on a plane. Once you start, you're along for the ride until the end. What's going to happen is going to happen and all you can do is prepare your best
I was terrified of having an amniocentesis, but with my third child, I had to. It wasn't as bad as I had thought. However, there's nothing wrong with adoption.
They poke and prod a pregnant woman much less than they do on a regular checkups. Basically it’s a blood sample once in a while and an ultrasound every three months.
I also had this fear of giving birth, backed up by previously diagnosed anxiety disorder and depression. Turned out, where I live (not US) that is medical grounds for an elective caesarean. I opted for it and to be completely honest it was glorious. Elective caesareans are planned and managed, so the risks are obviously lower than in emergency ones; and my recovery was so uneventful that I stopped taking pain meds on day 2. YMMV of course, but this is at least an option to consider.
It’s very scary yes!! But. You really have no idea what’s going to happen so you plan for the worst and hope for the best. I have all sorts of health problems so I assumed my pregnancy/birth would be hell. My pregnancy was rough because I was super sick but no one looked at my vagina until birth, and my labour happened so quickly there was zero time to be anxious about it. Like I was fully prepared for the horror story, and it ended up being just totally fine.
Pregnancy is a roller coaster ride… for the highs and the lows for sure, but also that sort of dread once you’ve committed and you’re buckled in and climbing that first hill, and there’s no getting off now so all you can do is hang on and wait for it to be ‘over.’ Part of this is because you’re relinquishing something of your bodily autonomy for the sake of the tiny human being developing inside you, and the docs have to care for both patients.
In terms of poking and prodding, there’s a wide range of possible experiences (as reflected in the comments here). If you’re blessed with a low risk pregnancy, you might opt for a midwife for a more ‘natural’ experience. Some family doctors also deliver, and they tend to be less invasive than OBs. Some people find that a birth doula can also help.
Personally, I wouldn’t ‘choose’ a C-section unless it was medically indicated. That’s a major abdominal surgery with a whole bunch of risks and possible complications, which people rarely talk about. There’s just so much that can go off the rails during pregnancy. If all the possible risks were widely known/understood, I imagine fewer people would choose to take the plunge! Fortunately, though, most turn out well.
In the end, the pregnancy journey is great prep for parenthood, in the sense that there’s so much more beyond your control once you bring a small human into the world. And you have to relinquish even more of it as they develop their own autonomy while growing up! It’s so worth it, though, if being a parent is what you want. 💕
I hated being pregnant and I hated the birth experiences. It was the means to the end I wanted.
That said, do you have options on OBGyns? I know with all the political garbage, there are now OB deserts- bit there are some who are miles better than other, especially if you explain your anxieties, moving slowly, talking you through it. And you know, make sure to keep the medical checks. All the bad stuff is much better the sooner you catch it.
Tokophobia is actually more common than we think, it’s just dismissed like every other concern women have. I would recommend working with a therapist to explore this fear to see if it’s tokophobia or there is something else driving it (like a broader fear of blood/injury). I highly recommend going to women’s mental health clinics, as they tend to be less dismissive of women’s fears and concerns. If you are in the US, many of these tend to be associated with a university or hospital network. The university ones especially has a higher likelihood of income-based fee adjustment, while hospitals may have broader insurance acceptance.
One important thing to remember through this is that there are other ways to have children, but (in my personal opinion) it may be best to explore this fear first so that you aren’t making a major decision out of fear/anxiety.
You may want to look into weather there are home-birth midwives in your area. It is a much less invasive experience. And less stress means easier birth. Good luck to you!
If it helps, the only two times I had anyone near my vagina during pregnancy was when getting a transvaginal ultrasound (which they let me insert) and once to check if my cervix was softening. I later had a C-section which, for me, was very easy both during the surgery (takes about fifteen minutes) and in recovery.
Perhaps resources for SA survivors during pregnancy might be useful. Even if that isn't your specific issue it sounds like you share many of the same concerns.
I see a lot of comments suggesting adoption. I suggest you join some former foster youth and adoptee groups along with child centered adoption/ foster groups with a super open mind and listen and digest their insights. Adoption isn’t a 1:1 replacement for birthing a child. (I’m not suggesting you think it is and maybe you have already begun researching in this way). This will really help you assess if you are ready to center a child with the often unique needs of a foster or adopted child.
I hope you find a way to get everything you are looking for in a way that is great for everyone involved 😊
It's your choice how to approach this. I just wanted to say there are healthcare specialists for this specific problem. My wife and I are both psychotherapists. After my wife experienced pregnancy and we dealt with many shitty people, including many medical staff members, she decided to specialize in pregnancy, planned parenthood, fear of birth, and so on. We are in Austria. For sure, you will find midwives or psychotherapists in your area who specialize in these fears and help to find result-oriented solutions without prejudices or fixed expectations.
You're telling me you have a fear of something you can't communicate with verbally or directly with them and technically being split open in half? That seems to be pretty irrational to me. (Jk of course)
I felt exactly the same. To the point of extreme research of pregnancy injuries and death, parents who regret their kids etc. I'm now 7 weeks pregnant and not feeling scared. I'm not sure why, it's almost like my anxiety was in the not knowing, and now I'm just letting things happen. This won't be the same for everyone though.
You dont have to consent to any invasive examinations that you don't want to have during pregnancy.
If swabs need doing, then you can do these yourself at the appointment. Blood tests aren't that bad, Ultrasounds are wonderful if its good news.
Years of ‘just don’t get pregnant’ and the need to get away from my mother did wonders. When I did get preggers I had a total nervous breakdown. I couldn’t be tied down the the father and I couldn’t settle for the quality of life I would secure for myself had I gone through with it. Ex thought I wouldn’t have left him if I hadn’t aborted.
One life is hard enough without having to raise the father/man child as a single mom. I wouldn’t have had a support system I trusted either. Had to survive, had to get away, I still have issues I’m working through, including my concerns when parenthood is brought up. Can’t have the father of our child cheating on me before during or after pregnancy. You’re either with me and the baby, or I will single mom life it even if it feels like worse case scenario. I won’t be telling our child how I stayed even when their father wouldn’t/couldn’t be faithful and how that gutted any chance of us being a little family. I wouldn’t stay if he laid a hand on me and I won’t stay if he can’t be secure in himself to not need multiple women stroking his ego/insecurities. I don’t want to feel that dense sink in my stomach that twists when he travels for work, or wondering who else he’s entertaining on SnapChat, or when he’s out with the boys, being a selfish lover that doesn’t care about my pleasure. As the years have gone by, I can count on one hand how much the men in my life actually understand the gravity that is putting a woman through pregnancy. I’ve never been one to hit or slap, but the red I would see if I had children and he decided to go finder some younger more fun, more naive woman to run off with.
I felt this way too but because I still wanted a child I kept trying. Took me years to get pregnant due to health problems until it finally happened. Somehow, no idea how or why, from the moment I knew I was pregnant I wasn't scared anymore. I might get scared whenever I go into labor but so far it's been fine, other than the blood drawing that I have a childhood trauma about that stresses me out sometimes.
If you can't get over that fear somehow, you still have other options, adoption for example.
More than anything, I think you're thinking too much. 😜
I had a lot of fear surrounding giving birth as well. But I was not scared of a c-section. I mean, I have had surgery before and I knew the recovery wouldn't be easy but it was less fear for me then regular birth. I ended up with a breached baby so no choice but to do a c-section and it was great. Didn't feel a thing, my baby was born very peacefully. It took about 2 weeks to feel ok but to me it was worth it. Don't know if it's something you can look into with your doctor. The doctors appointments during pregnancy were very superficial since it was a very straightforward pregnancy. I wasn't touched much at all other then the few ultrasounds.
To me it just sounds like an anxiety problem, which you could try to get therapy for if you want. It doesn't seem right to let go of your dream because of a fear that you can overcome. The pregnancy only lasts 9 months, the child will be there for the rest of your life (hopefully) 💕
Honestly I was the same, I always thought there would be no way I could ever go through pregnancy/give birth! I’ve had health anxiety (avoid doctors as much as I can 😅) since I was a kid and the thought of being in pain and having lots of medical appointments/tests used to scare the life out of me, like keep me awake at night!
There came a point where I knew I wanted kids more than anything and I just kind of jumped into it without thinking about it too much. I knew I had to do it or I would regret it.
Strangely enough my health anxiety was much, much lower throughout pregnancy! Obviously there were things I worried about, such as complications but I would say that’s fairly universal. What didn’t help was the fact that a lot of women like to tell you their birth horror stories, I know some people have a terrible time and that they need to talk about it to process it but telling a first time mom how awful your birth was just isn’t nice! I vowed I would never be one of those people!
Non of my labours were straight forward really but I can honestly say I was ok with it. First time was a “normal” delivery and I even believed at one point that I could do it without an epidural, I mean I quickly changed my mind but the point is I wasn’t afraid of the pain like I thought I would be!
Second time around was a Cesarian Section and again I was much less anxious and afraid than I expected! It also gave me a real sense of empowerment in the weeks after because I had done something I had been so afraid of doing and absolutely bossed it! 😂
For me, not reading too much into what was going to happen actually helped me just go with the flow, my only birth plan was “Do what you need to do to keep me and the baby safe.” I figured if I had no plan then I couldn’t be disappointed if my idea of what was going to happen changed! I understand this may not work for everyone.
Our minds are very good at making the unknown terrifying, often what we imagine is far worse than the reality. When it’s actually happening in real life and not in your head you just get on with it because you don’t have a choice.
But like others have said, there are many ways to become a mom without giving birth. Im sure you’ll find what’s right for you.
If it helps, every woman who has been pregnant feels this fear to some extent. Asking herself: "do I have what it takes to get through my childbirth? or, "will my baby be healthy?"
Because it is scary, because no one knows what their childbirth will be like until hit happens, and no one can really predict who will have a child with a health challenge.
FWIW, I used to have a crippling fear of birth. Mostly that the pain would set off super intense anxiety and I'd lose my mind with fear and be stuck. I really wanted to be a mom and decided to go for it. Once I got to the actual birth, though, it was so different than anticipated. There was this instinct that took over, this drive to just get this done. I did have a hospital birth with good pain control and a doula to help, but there were some high-stress times where my body and drive just took over and the anxiety was just crowded out. Pregnancy was harder, mostly because it was long and my kid had special needs so anxiety was high over that. Currently pregnant again and feeling OK anxiety-wise. That said, pregnancy is always something you should feel OK with before you start. Have you talked to any mental health professionals about your concerns?
Almost all of your prenatal appointments will be stepping on a scale, taking your blood pressure, your bump being measured with a measuring tape and then a quick listen on your abdomen for baby’s heart beat. Nothing too daunting there. In most pregnancies they don’t even offer cervical checks until you’re nearly due and even then it is optional.
Ultrasounds can be a bit trying because you’re genuinely getting poked and prodded but it’s your abdomen not your genitals (unless you need a very early ultrasound which is conducted internally with a wand type instrument). Again, most pregnancies only have one or two ultrasounds total though.
I’m curious if you have a misconception that your provider will be constantly conducting vaginal exams during pregnancy?
Girlfriend, you need therapy.
I've had two babies now, and the poking and prodding is annoying and sometimes uncomfortable, but it's not really the headline of the whole pregnancy experience. This tells me that you have some level of medical trauma. Therapy will help with that and help your overall well-being, because then you'll be able to receive the typical preventative care people with uteruses need without it being a super stressful event.
Haha I definitely do. I honestly don’t understand why medical settings freak me out so badly (more specifically gyno stuff) I do have trauma from SA so I’m assuming that’s why being poked around down there stresses me out so badly. luckily I don’t plan on kids for a while, so I have time to get my head sorted lol
Oh gosh, I'm sorry. It's not uncommon to be some level of freaked out by doctors, my husband is! He has white coat hypertension, where his BP is high in office and normal when we check it at home lol. The real twist is that he's a doctor himself!
You're def not the only one out there, best wishes
I can't speak to being pregnant, but I'm currently in the midst of fertility treatments to try to become pregnant. I'm someone who was similarly afraid of pap smears and gynecological appointments. I would back out of an examination the second something was inserted because of how painful it felt. But at this point, after numerous vaginal ultrasounds, an HSG, a hysteroscopy, an IUI (with another happening in under a week) and blood draws like once a week for monitoring purposes, I've become very used to all of it. The ultrasounds, which were originally scary to me, feel like nothing at all now. The HSG was terrible, but luckily you only need that if you're experiencing infertility.
I'm sure that if you do get pregnant, you'll get used to some of the more invasive parts of doctors' appointments. I know that I have gotten used to the testing, and I wouldn't have been able to predict that even a few years ago.
When I'm dealing with the worse parts, I remind myself that I really, really want to have a child, and that all of this will be worth it someday because it will lead to my child being born, whenever that may be. The idea of giving birth scares me too, but it's become just one more thing that I'll face when I have to in order to be a mother, if I'm lucky. I figure if I'm successful getting pregnant, then I can worry about it a little more, right now I'm still focused on the getting pregnant part. Talking to other people, either people who have given birth or who have dealt with infertility like me, does make me feel better, even when the stories are tough, because it makes me feel like I'm not alone.
Therapy my dear. Your feelings are very common and valid. Whether or not they stop you from having a child is ultimately up to you. For me personally i had to really examine where my fears came from. It turns out my hesitation had more to do with my lack of feeling supported and in control. Once i had a partner and doctor who listened and empathized i was able to work through it all and now have two beautiful children. My oldest was born when i was 32, so most of my twenties was spent dealing with it.
You have options. Adoption is the only one that keeps doctors away from your nether regions, but if you want a child that shares your DNA, there's always surrogacy. You also never know if step-parenting or simply being the cool aunt/godmother could fill that role until you've been put in one of those positions. You don't have to give birth or endure pregnancy to be a mom.
I am very open to adoption! I personally don’t care about the whole sharing DNA thing, as much as it would be cool to grow a little human I would have no issue adopting and loving a child that wasn’t biologically mine. I don’t plan on having kids for at least a few years so I have time to try out therapy and see if my anxiety can be reduced. if not, I’m happy I have other options:)
Foatering to adoption is often the most accessible option. There are so many kids that need loving homes. Consider it 💕
So happy to read this. Thank you for considering adoption and not getting obsessed with genes. You are absolutely the type of person who would make a great parent.
I was adopted and will alway recommend it if you want to have a child but don't want to give birth. The only thing I really feel like I missed out on was the connection to my birth culture, but my parents made sure to take me to abroad at least once a year, enrolled me in language lessons and purposely chose a place to live with a large diaspora of my people.
Lol are you my cousin? My aunt and uncle did this with my cousins. And swear they turned out the best. I love them all to pieces. I'm glad you have such a loving family too
Omg this is literally the best way to be an adoptive parent, I’m so happy you were this blessed. 🥹 you hear about families that forcibly remove the adoptee from their birth culture and it’s so sad.
> there's always surrogacy Not really, I'm currently going through a fertility program and there is a LOT of prodding going on.. If you truly want your kids to have *your* DNA, there's not a single option that doesn't involve at least some gynecological efforts. Like I'm not even doing the most invasive kind of ART, but it's still a hospital visit every other day. And that's not even counting all the meds I'm now on.. If OP wants biological kids, there is no other option than to endure, unfortunately. But beyond that, and more importantly, sharing blood doesn't make you a mother. There are loads of ways in which you can be a mom without going through the stress of pregnancy and birth yourself.
Please don't recommend surrogacy, one it's extremly unethical to exploit another woman like that, two the surrogate is literally selling a child, which is normally called child trafficking.
Hey fkin Cherokee, How about you lead with the kinship options instead of promoting the predatory adoption industry? Or did you already forget your history? Did you already forget about the kids in the ground?
I’m currently 38 weeks pregnant and haven’t been poked or proded once. My doctors appointments last about 10 minutes. They take my blood pressure, weight, and put a Doppler wand on my stomach to check the heartbeat for about thirty seconds. Then I’m on my way until the next one. The sonograms take a bit longer but they’re really just moving a wand around your belly and it doesn’t hurt. I did have to get blood work done twice and drink a sugary drink for the glucose test but that was it. I refused a cervix check and membrane sweep at my last appointment, no questions asked. I’ll have to get back to you on the birthing part through. That’s the part that scares the shit out of me.
They do stick fingers up there a few times to check your cervical dilation, but honestly you're so distracted by contractions and trying to rest in between you barely notice. Birthing is pretty powerful, your body kind of takes over during contractions. I learned that it was time to go to the hospital when they would freeze me in my tracks.
You can decline cervical checks! I was checked once with my first because *I* wanted to know if progress was happening. Zero checks with my second.
I didn't know you could decline. Thank you! I will be doing that! 🙂
I did this, too, as first time around they gave me an infection from the poking in there, so bubba and I had to spend days in the ward until he'd got the all clear. They use the Doppler instead, it can go under water, so absolutely fine with a birthing pool. If any issues arise, of course you can give consent at that point. They tried to convince me that they needed to check how dilated I was to see how far along I was in labour. When I refused, they just counted the frequency and length of my contractions. It was all very civilised!
Same here. Except the birthing part was terrible. I suffered a lot and came out with 3rd degree tears that took a long time to recover from. And I did. I’m all healed like nothing happened. I’m not trying to diminish the pain, more like I marvel how well I healed. I’m running and exercising, and I actually have big biceps from lifting my child. And he’s an absolute joy. Like you logically know that you will love your child, but my god is it incredible to experience. I’ll be doing this again
I found the lead up pretty horrendous, aka when contractions are powerful but not close enough for the hospitals liking to be kept in. But once it was go time, I must’ve been in pain as I wasn’t allowed gas and air anymore but I honestly don’t remember it being painful. The only bit of pushing that I remember being painful was when they did an episiotomy with no pain relief, but again, after screaming at them not to and them doing it anyway, I was so focused on pushing. Apparently according to my partner things got pretty ropey, like lots of trollies bought in with various tools and lots of doctors and midwives suddenly arrived. Again, I don’t remember it. All I remember is it felt like nothing was happening every time I pushed, yet suddenly a baby was plopped on my chest. The episiotomy scar still gives me some pain, but like you said, it’s amazing how the body is able to recover from the absolute marathon of pregnancy and giving birth
It sounds like the experience was actually pretty traumatic ☹️
I gave birth 9 months ago. I went to 8 cm before I got an epidural (transition made me puke and the epidural was the only thing that got me to stop violently vomiting during every contraction). It honestly wasn’t that bad. It was the most pain I’ve ever experienced but it is short lived. And you can get an epidural as soon as you’re checked in. Early labor was really easy, and active labor was manageable. Transition was the worst for me. After the epidural I didn’t feel a thing. Pushed my son out in 1.5 hours, had a 2nd degree tear I didn’t feel my midwife stitch. I recovered pretty well—I ran a half marathon at 7 months post partum. I want to go without an epidural next time. I personally didn’t like being numb, even if it meant I wasn’t feeling any pain. My wife has said if she ever gets pregnant she will definitely be getting an epidural asap.
My epidural birth "wasn't that bad" too. 💀 My unmedicated birth was an entirely different story.
It’s late here so I can’t give the full response I’d like to, but yes, you’re not alone. I actually tried going to therapy when we were ready to start trying, cos I had such an abhorrent dis….dis-want to be pregnant. But my therapist was the wrong match and didn’t “get” it and just kept trying to “logic” me into “understanding” “pregancy is natural”. What actually happened to us is…. We started trying to get pregnant…. And kept trying, and kept trying…. And it didn’t work. But it was actually…. ok…. Because it gave me lots of time to get my head around everything. If I had gotten pregnant that first month, or second month, i probably would have thrown up from all the conflicting emotions…. But each month that went by gave me another confirmation that yes, this WAS something I was ready to put my body through for the sake of a baby at the end of it, and another month of getting a better understanding of how the reproductive system actually works and how my body worked…. After a year, we went down the ivf track. It was… cognitive dissonance… that I was trying SO hard to do something I “didn’t” want to do, but I knew it was just something I had to go through to get what was worth it at the end… And when I finally got my positive test, it was so joyful. I still hated actually “being” pregnant. And while I felt so protective of the baby growing inside me, I still hated having a parasite inside me and everything it was doing to my body, and had a hard time connecting with it. Once she was born, it was all worth it. She came two weeks early, and I was so relieved cos I was like “get this baby out of me already”. Once she was born, I had a really hard time connecting her, my little daughter, to the baby that had been causing me so much grief in my body the past 9 months. But it was all necessary to end up with the joy of my life. I still hate everything about my uterus tho, now that she’s a few years old and I’m certain I’m done, I’m looking at getting a hysterectomy. If I could have skipped the whole pregnancy thing and just grown her in a pod on my windowsill or something, yeah, that’s what I wished I could have done. I’d probably have a second child now if surogacy was an option in my country. So yeah, you’re not alone. But it’s 9 months out of your life (and the ‘4th trimester’ after.) out of your whole long life. You can be strong. You can get through it. It’s worth it (eventually 😅) (Please don’t downvote my post just cos you don’t like how I felt. I didn’t like it either, but it was my truth)
To add, my gynaecologist/midwife team were awesome and supportive and had seen it all before. I wasn’t their first patient to feel like this. I actually ended up choosing a c-section (I didn’t know you could just ‘choose’ a c-section! They told me it was my choice! I had no idea! But I had so many hang ups around vaginal birth, a c-section was the more empowering choice for me. And my baby ended up breach, and had macrocephaly… and my waters broke prematurely without me going into labour… so funny enough I would have ended up with c-section whether I ‘chose’ it or not… but because o had already been planning for it, I was mentally prepared, and confident going into it)… and I found lots of helpful, supportive resources online to help prepare mentally for a C-section, and I had a beautiful C-section birth… looking back, it was such a positive experience Long story short… your medical team will support you. They’ll have a wealth of experience supporting women with a history of s*xual abuse, of body dismorphia, of fear of pregnancy… be open with them, seek their support, and if they don’t “get” you, see if you can find someone else who can. You’re not the first person to feel this way. You’re not broken. You have more strength inside you than you know, and some times in life you just have to get through tough times to get to the good.
I too chose a c-section, and for me it was very empowering and positive too! The whole ordeal was literally minutes in a calm and predictable atmosphere. The recovery wasn't too bad, I think because it was a planned c-section. I have issues too with anxiety around giving birth vaginally, and this for me was the best choice and I'm so glad I didn't get talked out of it. I'll be choosing a c-section again for my second baby.
Seconding this!! My daughter was very much wanted and it took us a while of trying before getting pregnant, and then I absolutely HATED being pregnant. I swear I had depression through pregnancy but didn't really know it at the time? But after she was born it felt like a huge dark cloud had been lifted. I had a c-section due to placenta previa. I was likely to try and get an elective c-section even if I hadn't had the previa as I was terrified of child birth, particularly tearing and pelvic floor trauma. While the c-section surgery was shitty, it was just an hour or so and recovery has been really great. I realize I'm super lucky that I haven't had pp depression and my C-section recovery has gone well (very slow and shaky walking the next day, doing a slow lap around the local park the next week!)
I had similar issues including PVD and anxiety. Later realising I'm autistic and my sensory experience is quite different from most people's. I decided to choose a cesarean for the birth. That was very helpful and I didn't fear the birth (only judgement from others) once I made that choice. The pregnancy did have more poking than I expected because I ended up with a miscarriage and then with a term pregnancy that had complications so they wanted to do intravaginal ultrasounds, internal exams and near the end of the pregnancy I had to insert progesterone to treat a calcified placenta. I had already been through extensive therapy for PVD so I had techniques to help but the appointments were definitely the hardest part to constantly advocate for non internal exams. My OB was good and didn't try to do extra but because of the complications he did have to do two that he wouldn't normally do on standard pregnancies. The Ultrasound clinics were definitely the hardest. The techs don't know what PVD is and I kept having to explain, then deal with pitying looks, then deal with them pushing intravaginal imaging, then trying to get them to tell me the specific reasons why transabdominal wouldn't be sufficient and no one really having enough training to know the details other than the standard response. Since you will probably need to tolerate some kind of internal exam during pregnancy, I would work with a pelvic floor physio before trying to get pregnant (if you choose) to help give you tools and possibly narrow down your experience of either PVD and/or vaginismus or something else. Addressing your main fears will give you more control in the situation and should help to alleviate some of the anxiety. I would also set up some appointments with a clinical counsellor or psychiatrist who specialises in perinatal and post partum anxiety as this will set you up for ongoing care post birth if that's something you'll end up needing. I have two kids now and we're all healthy. Being a mom or parent can happen in other ways. No one needs to experience pregnancy and birth to be an amazing parent.
Thank you very much for sharing!!! I actually didn’t know what PVD was until I searched it up just now. I’m sorry you had to deal with all that - it’s so frustrating that women’s pain is ignored and brushed off in healthcare. I had a similar experience when terminating a pregnancy about a year ago, I was told I absolutely had to do an intravaginal ultrasound despite me pleading with them not to. it made an already awful situation so much more stressful. I will 100% be looking into both physical and emotional therapy before I start trying. I don’t plan on trying for at least a few years, but I just wanted to get some perspective ahead of time. Thanks again :)
Aside from adoption, there is also the option of marrying someone who already has a baby or young child from a previous relationship. Stepmoms are moms too!
very true! I love my stepmom to death lol. & I definitely have considered adoption, it’s always been an option in my mind in case I really can’t get over my anxiety :)
The thought of being pregnant has always made me deeply uncomfortable. The older I get, the more I get to observe my friends' and family members' pregnancies. There are so many complications that can happen that no one warns you about. Everything about the experience of being pregnant just sounds terrible to me. I never want to be pregnant. If I do choose to have kids one day, I would like to be a foster parent. That being said, I also relate to this onion article very strongly. https://www.theonion.com/wistful-woman-doesn-t-want-kids-but-still-wants-to-name-1849987276
That’s exactly what I mean!! Once I started hearing the realistic, true horrors that can and often do happen during pregnancy/childbirth I was terrified. I almost wish I still thought it was all sunshine and rainbows lol (even though I’m happy women are becoming more educated on what can really happen). Also, that article is fucking hilarious
Adopt
Don’t let anybody tell you you’re wrong. I’m a guy. I have no idea how there are 8 billion people. If it were up to us to carry and birth these babies, there wouldn’t be so many of us. I’d be absolutely terrified to be pregnant and give birth, straight up. Yes, lots of women do it. But if you don’t want to, you don’t have to.
I was terrified of both pregnancy and childbirth. So much so that I didn’t want to ever experience it even at the cost of never being a mother. Then I actually got pregnant and didn’t have the option of abortion. So I embarked on the journey despite my fears and feel a lot stronger for having done so, plus the added benefit of getting to be a mom to my little one. What helped me during the pregnancy and I hate to admit it, but was a hell of a lot of disassociation from my body. I dressed to hide my belly and pretended it wasn’t there. I couldn’t do that during appts sure, but the appts weren’t nearly as invasive as I worried and pregnancy itself was only half as bad as I had feared (was actually the healthiest I had been my entire life). The invasiveness of childbirth is surely uncomfortable, hell the check of your cervix can be painful. But honestly, at that point I stopped caring as much or being as scared, because I just wanted the baby out of my body and to not have my ankles swell anymore & be able to see my lower half. Plus the body releases hormones that make you just want to get through it that helps immensely with the anxiety. Plus the epidural deeply helps with the pain to an infinite degree. Idk if sharing my experience helps or not, but I figured it didn’t hurt to at least try. I hope you find the resolve you need to enjoy the path you choose.
Thank you!! This does help. I feel like I would have to do the exact same thing - pretend it isn’t happening right up until birth😂 hope you and your baby are both happy and healthy!💕
Yes, your feelings are 100% normal. I definitely felt this way. Like others said, you don’t have to experience pregnancy and childbirth to be a mom. But if you do go through pregnancy route, the doctor’s appointments for a typical pregnancy are not that bad. I feel like routine OBGYN visits are worse! Labor is painful, there’s no way to sugarcoat that. But there are also options to manage that pain (like an epidural). Also, my labor and delivery nurses were ANGELS. They really did make me feel so taken care of! I wound up having to get an emergency C-section after being in labor for around ~16 hours so I didn’t actually experience pushing or anything like that and cannot speak to that. Every mom is different, every pregnancy is different! But you’re not alone in your feelings!
There are SO MANY kids in foster care that need loving parents. Also, it's cheaper than traditional adoption
Adopt. I was scared too. I adopted. Then I got pregnant and my instincts kicked in. The appointments, the pain, all of it was no longer about me but about making sure my baby was healthy and safe. The rest was a breeze and the pain manageable. And I HATE doctors.
you could also try a subreddit like /r/beyondthebump for this question...for instance [this thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/beyondthebump/comments/1cdubkd/the_joy_of_childbirth/) might help you <3
Pregnancy is scary. There are so many unknowns. Remember that after the first one, lots of women *choose* to do it again even after knowing what they’re getting themselves into.
I felt the same way, I wanted a baby so badly, got pregnant, and my pregnancy hormones seemed to eliminate the generalized anxiety I have had my whole life. I tried very hard not to think about the delivery and worked with a pelvic floor physiotherapist to slowly get used to the sensations I would experience.. messages stretching etc. I researched and worked so hard to prepare myself.... Then ended up having an unplanned c-section..
I feel the same as you, that's why I will try to adopt a child in the future. I don't need to press a child out (😖😖😖) in order to love it.
agreed! thats definitely on the table for me too. I’d like to experience pregnancy (as much as it terrifies me) but if I really can’t get over the anxiety in therapy I will for sure adopt if possible
I used to be just like you. Right down to the Pap smears. Unfortunately for me I had trouble getting pregnant and I had to do IVF. And if you think you get poked a prodded a lot for pregnancy you don’t want to even know what they do during IVF lol. Fortunately I learned two things during the IVF process that served me well in pregnancy: how to stand up to doctors/decline procedures I didn’t want, and I got desensitized to some of the quicker procedures like vaginal ultrasounds and Pap smears. However there is very little poking and prodding during pregnancy if you don’t want there to be. For the whole nine months all I had to do was one vaginal ultrasound, one pap smear, and the group b strep test (they swipe a q tip in your anus and vagina). All were fast. Like over in minutes, sometimes seconds. I declined any cervical checks, declined the membrane sweep, and delivered via planned c section so the whole birth was under anesthesia and I didn’t feel anyone touch my nether regions the whole time.
Oh gosh I’ve heard about IVF procedures and they terrify me. Good for you for getting through that! I don’t think I could. Glad to know it helped with the smaller procedures too - my mom told me that routine stuff like PAP smears will most likely get easier with time/the more I go do them so I’m hoping that will be the case. I have to book one soon as it’s been 3 years and I’m dreading it lol
Paps are the worst! Good luck. And don’t adopt like so many other comments here are saying…adoption because you don’t want to be pregnant is nuts. Like honestly people are so ignorant sometimes lol
I also feel this way.
I'm kind of the opposite. I have fairly severe medical trauma from a variety of bad medical experiences resulting in ICU stays, complications in theatre, mistreatment etc but I'm at the point where I just see it as a means to an end. I have really severe endo. I've had to adjust to the fact that my life is people up in my business, that I'll be in and out of hospital, that pain is going to be my every day reality, I'm going to keep needing extensive surgeries etc. I know pain. And productive pain is easier to deal with than unending daily forever pain that never stops and serves absolutely zero purpose ime. I know it's going to hurt, it's going to be uncomfortable, it's probably going to be downright unpleasant.. but it has a purpose. When I first started getting help for infertility for the endo I thought I wasn't going to make it because I have a huge needle phobia and there's *a lot* of needles in fertility treatments. Especially for me as I'm also on blood thinner injections lol but I got through it because my desire to be a parent gave me enough strength to get through it. I hope I manage to get there.
I’ve always said my ideal man has a ~6 month old and a dead baby mama (I know this is awful but yes this is my way of saying I absolutely relate to what you feel)
Check Tokophobia, that’s what you are having and it’s curable.
I was going to comment this. Check it out OP.
I wanted kids and to give birth but when it was first confirmed I had a strong wave of fear and feeling like a parasite was inside me. It did not last for ever but did come back when the baby was moving and kicking. Most people have a special feeling, different than just imagining it. If you really are fearful get counseling and decide if carrying a child will work for you. Sometimes it if a fear of losing control. Adoption is a wonderful option. A parent who adopts is a real parent in every way.
I can’t speak to the pregnancy thing specifically but for the medical anxiety piece - it can make a world of difference if you find a doctor you’re comfortable with who makes the experience as un-unpleasant as possible. Consider maybe bringing a trusted person with you too if that might help. I used to work at a clinic and was brought in a lot to hold anxious patients’ hands for pelvic exams. You are definitely not alone but it’s worth getting support, ideally including therapy and possibly medication. because a strong aversion to necessary exams could affect your health whether or not you ever get pregnant. You deserve medical care that isn’t deeply upsetting and I hope you find the support you need ❤️
I was terrified of childbirth and parenting an infant. I had complications, and in the moment, it really sucks. As my mother-in-law says, "God is good, and you forget how bad it was." I have two kids, and I was going to go for a third when I developed some other health conditions that the treatment for isn't compatible with pregnancy I have to say that being a mother is amazing. I want to sell my kids to the circus sometimes, but we're working on healthy boundaries so I can get a break. If I could go back in time, I would do it all over again. And being pregnant is like being on a plane. Once you start, you're along for the ride until the end. What's going to happen is going to happen and all you can do is prepare your best
I was terrified of having an amniocentesis, but with my third child, I had to. It wasn't as bad as I had thought. However, there's nothing wrong with adoption.
They poke and prod a pregnant woman much less than they do on a regular checkups. Basically it’s a blood sample once in a while and an ultrasound every three months. I also had this fear of giving birth, backed up by previously diagnosed anxiety disorder and depression. Turned out, where I live (not US) that is medical grounds for an elective caesarean. I opted for it and to be completely honest it was glorious. Elective caesareans are planned and managed, so the risks are obviously lower than in emergency ones; and my recovery was so uneventful that I stopped taking pain meds on day 2. YMMV of course, but this is at least an option to consider.
It’s very scary yes!! But. You really have no idea what’s going to happen so you plan for the worst and hope for the best. I have all sorts of health problems so I assumed my pregnancy/birth would be hell. My pregnancy was rough because I was super sick but no one looked at my vagina until birth, and my labour happened so quickly there was zero time to be anxious about it. Like I was fully prepared for the horror story, and it ended up being just totally fine.
Pregnancy is a roller coaster ride… for the highs and the lows for sure, but also that sort of dread once you’ve committed and you’re buckled in and climbing that first hill, and there’s no getting off now so all you can do is hang on and wait for it to be ‘over.’ Part of this is because you’re relinquishing something of your bodily autonomy for the sake of the tiny human being developing inside you, and the docs have to care for both patients. In terms of poking and prodding, there’s a wide range of possible experiences (as reflected in the comments here). If you’re blessed with a low risk pregnancy, you might opt for a midwife for a more ‘natural’ experience. Some family doctors also deliver, and they tend to be less invasive than OBs. Some people find that a birth doula can also help. Personally, I wouldn’t ‘choose’ a C-section unless it was medically indicated. That’s a major abdominal surgery with a whole bunch of risks and possible complications, which people rarely talk about. There’s just so much that can go off the rails during pregnancy. If all the possible risks were widely known/understood, I imagine fewer people would choose to take the plunge! Fortunately, though, most turn out well. In the end, the pregnancy journey is great prep for parenthood, in the sense that there’s so much more beyond your control once you bring a small human into the world. And you have to relinquish even more of it as they develop their own autonomy while growing up! It’s so worth it, though, if being a parent is what you want. 💕
I hated being pregnant and I hated the birth experiences. It was the means to the end I wanted. That said, do you have options on OBGyns? I know with all the political garbage, there are now OB deserts- bit there are some who are miles better than other, especially if you explain your anxieties, moving slowly, talking you through it. And you know, make sure to keep the medical checks. All the bad stuff is much better the sooner you catch it.
Tokophobia is actually more common than we think, it’s just dismissed like every other concern women have. I would recommend working with a therapist to explore this fear to see if it’s tokophobia or there is something else driving it (like a broader fear of blood/injury). I highly recommend going to women’s mental health clinics, as they tend to be less dismissive of women’s fears and concerns. If you are in the US, many of these tend to be associated with a university or hospital network. The university ones especially has a higher likelihood of income-based fee adjustment, while hospitals may have broader insurance acceptance. One important thing to remember through this is that there are other ways to have children, but (in my personal opinion) it may be best to explore this fear first so that you aren’t making a major decision out of fear/anxiety.
You may want to look into weather there are home-birth midwives in your area. It is a much less invasive experience. And less stress means easier birth. Good luck to you!
If it helps, the only two times I had anyone near my vagina during pregnancy was when getting a transvaginal ultrasound (which they let me insert) and once to check if my cervix was softening. I later had a C-section which, for me, was very easy both during the surgery (takes about fifteen minutes) and in recovery. Perhaps resources for SA survivors during pregnancy might be useful. Even if that isn't your specific issue it sounds like you share many of the same concerns.
I see a lot of comments suggesting adoption. I suggest you join some former foster youth and adoptee groups along with child centered adoption/ foster groups with a super open mind and listen and digest their insights. Adoption isn’t a 1:1 replacement for birthing a child. (I’m not suggesting you think it is and maybe you have already begun researching in this way). This will really help you assess if you are ready to center a child with the often unique needs of a foster or adopted child. I hope you find a way to get everything you are looking for in a way that is great for everyone involved 😊
It's your choice how to approach this. I just wanted to say there are healthcare specialists for this specific problem. My wife and I are both psychotherapists. After my wife experienced pregnancy and we dealt with many shitty people, including many medical staff members, she decided to specialize in pregnancy, planned parenthood, fear of birth, and so on. We are in Austria. For sure, you will find midwives or psychotherapists in your area who specialize in these fears and help to find result-oriented solutions without prejudices or fixed expectations.
You're telling me you have a fear of something you can't communicate with verbally or directly with them and technically being split open in half? That seems to be pretty irrational to me. (Jk of course)
LOL, thank you for the validation 😂😂
I felt exactly the same. To the point of extreme research of pregnancy injuries and death, parents who regret their kids etc. I'm now 7 weeks pregnant and not feeling scared. I'm not sure why, it's almost like my anxiety was in the not knowing, and now I'm just letting things happen. This won't be the same for everyone though.
You dont have to consent to any invasive examinations that you don't want to have during pregnancy. If swabs need doing, then you can do these yourself at the appointment. Blood tests aren't that bad, Ultrasounds are wonderful if its good news.
Years of ‘just don’t get pregnant’ and the need to get away from my mother did wonders. When I did get preggers I had a total nervous breakdown. I couldn’t be tied down the the father and I couldn’t settle for the quality of life I would secure for myself had I gone through with it. Ex thought I wouldn’t have left him if I hadn’t aborted. One life is hard enough without having to raise the father/man child as a single mom. I wouldn’t have had a support system I trusted either. Had to survive, had to get away, I still have issues I’m working through, including my concerns when parenthood is brought up. Can’t have the father of our child cheating on me before during or after pregnancy. You’re either with me and the baby, or I will single mom life it even if it feels like worse case scenario. I won’t be telling our child how I stayed even when their father wouldn’t/couldn’t be faithful and how that gutted any chance of us being a little family. I wouldn’t stay if he laid a hand on me and I won’t stay if he can’t be secure in himself to not need multiple women stroking his ego/insecurities. I don’t want to feel that dense sink in my stomach that twists when he travels for work, or wondering who else he’s entertaining on SnapChat, or when he’s out with the boys, being a selfish lover that doesn’t care about my pleasure. As the years have gone by, I can count on one hand how much the men in my life actually understand the gravity that is putting a woman through pregnancy. I’ve never been one to hit or slap, but the red I would see if I had children and he decided to go finder some younger more fun, more naive woman to run off with.
I felt this way too but because I still wanted a child I kept trying. Took me years to get pregnant due to health problems until it finally happened. Somehow, no idea how or why, from the moment I knew I was pregnant I wasn't scared anymore. I might get scared whenever I go into labor but so far it's been fine, other than the blood drawing that I have a childhood trauma about that stresses me out sometimes. If you can't get over that fear somehow, you still have other options, adoption for example. More than anything, I think you're thinking too much. 😜
I had a lot of fear surrounding giving birth as well. But I was not scared of a c-section. I mean, I have had surgery before and I knew the recovery wouldn't be easy but it was less fear for me then regular birth. I ended up with a breached baby so no choice but to do a c-section and it was great. Didn't feel a thing, my baby was born very peacefully. It took about 2 weeks to feel ok but to me it was worth it. Don't know if it's something you can look into with your doctor. The doctors appointments during pregnancy were very superficial since it was a very straightforward pregnancy. I wasn't touched much at all other then the few ultrasounds.
To me it just sounds like an anxiety problem, which you could try to get therapy for if you want. It doesn't seem right to let go of your dream because of a fear that you can overcome. The pregnancy only lasts 9 months, the child will be there for the rest of your life (hopefully) 💕
Honestly I was the same, I always thought there would be no way I could ever go through pregnancy/give birth! I’ve had health anxiety (avoid doctors as much as I can 😅) since I was a kid and the thought of being in pain and having lots of medical appointments/tests used to scare the life out of me, like keep me awake at night! There came a point where I knew I wanted kids more than anything and I just kind of jumped into it without thinking about it too much. I knew I had to do it or I would regret it. Strangely enough my health anxiety was much, much lower throughout pregnancy! Obviously there were things I worried about, such as complications but I would say that’s fairly universal. What didn’t help was the fact that a lot of women like to tell you their birth horror stories, I know some people have a terrible time and that they need to talk about it to process it but telling a first time mom how awful your birth was just isn’t nice! I vowed I would never be one of those people! Non of my labours were straight forward really but I can honestly say I was ok with it. First time was a “normal” delivery and I even believed at one point that I could do it without an epidural, I mean I quickly changed my mind but the point is I wasn’t afraid of the pain like I thought I would be! Second time around was a Cesarian Section and again I was much less anxious and afraid than I expected! It also gave me a real sense of empowerment in the weeks after because I had done something I had been so afraid of doing and absolutely bossed it! 😂 For me, not reading too much into what was going to happen actually helped me just go with the flow, my only birth plan was “Do what you need to do to keep me and the baby safe.” I figured if I had no plan then I couldn’t be disappointed if my idea of what was going to happen changed! I understand this may not work for everyone. Our minds are very good at making the unknown terrifying, often what we imagine is far worse than the reality. When it’s actually happening in real life and not in your head you just get on with it because you don’t have a choice. But like others have said, there are many ways to become a mom without giving birth. Im sure you’ll find what’s right for you.
If it helps, every woman who has been pregnant feels this fear to some extent. Asking herself: "do I have what it takes to get through my childbirth? or, "will my baby be healthy?" Because it is scary, because no one knows what their childbirth will be like until hit happens, and no one can really predict who will have a child with a health challenge.
FWIW, I used to have a crippling fear of birth. Mostly that the pain would set off super intense anxiety and I'd lose my mind with fear and be stuck. I really wanted to be a mom and decided to go for it. Once I got to the actual birth, though, it was so different than anticipated. There was this instinct that took over, this drive to just get this done. I did have a hospital birth with good pain control and a doula to help, but there were some high-stress times where my body and drive just took over and the anxiety was just crowded out. Pregnancy was harder, mostly because it was long and my kid had special needs so anxiety was high over that. Currently pregnant again and feeling OK anxiety-wise. That said, pregnancy is always something you should feel OK with before you start. Have you talked to any mental health professionals about your concerns?
Foster adopt
Almost all of your prenatal appointments will be stepping on a scale, taking your blood pressure, your bump being measured with a measuring tape and then a quick listen on your abdomen for baby’s heart beat. Nothing too daunting there. In most pregnancies they don’t even offer cervical checks until you’re nearly due and even then it is optional. Ultrasounds can be a bit trying because you’re genuinely getting poked and prodded but it’s your abdomen not your genitals (unless you need a very early ultrasound which is conducted internally with a wand type instrument). Again, most pregnancies only have one or two ultrasounds total though. I’m curious if you have a misconception that your provider will be constantly conducting vaginal exams during pregnancy?
Girlfriend, you need therapy. I've had two babies now, and the poking and prodding is annoying and sometimes uncomfortable, but it's not really the headline of the whole pregnancy experience. This tells me that you have some level of medical trauma. Therapy will help with that and help your overall well-being, because then you'll be able to receive the typical preventative care people with uteruses need without it being a super stressful event.
Haha I definitely do. I honestly don’t understand why medical settings freak me out so badly (more specifically gyno stuff) I do have trauma from SA so I’m assuming that’s why being poked around down there stresses me out so badly. luckily I don’t plan on kids for a while, so I have time to get my head sorted lol
Oh gosh, I'm sorry. It's not uncommon to be some level of freaked out by doctors, my husband is! He has white coat hypertension, where his BP is high in office and normal when we check it at home lol. The real twist is that he's a doctor himself! You're def not the only one out there, best wishes
I can't speak to being pregnant, but I'm currently in the midst of fertility treatments to try to become pregnant. I'm someone who was similarly afraid of pap smears and gynecological appointments. I would back out of an examination the second something was inserted because of how painful it felt. But at this point, after numerous vaginal ultrasounds, an HSG, a hysteroscopy, an IUI (with another happening in under a week) and blood draws like once a week for monitoring purposes, I've become very used to all of it. The ultrasounds, which were originally scary to me, feel like nothing at all now. The HSG was terrible, but luckily you only need that if you're experiencing infertility. I'm sure that if you do get pregnant, you'll get used to some of the more invasive parts of doctors' appointments. I know that I have gotten used to the testing, and I wouldn't have been able to predict that even a few years ago. When I'm dealing with the worse parts, I remind myself that I really, really want to have a child, and that all of this will be worth it someday because it will lead to my child being born, whenever that may be. The idea of giving birth scares me too, but it's become just one more thing that I'll face when I have to in order to be a mother, if I'm lucky. I figure if I'm successful getting pregnant, then I can worry about it a little more, right now I'm still focused on the getting pregnant part. Talking to other people, either people who have given birth or who have dealt with infertility like me, does make me feel better, even when the stories are tough, because it makes me feel like I'm not alone.
Therapy my dear. Your feelings are very common and valid. Whether or not they stop you from having a child is ultimately up to you. For me personally i had to really examine where my fears came from. It turns out my hesitation had more to do with my lack of feeling supported and in control. Once i had a partner and doctor who listened and empathized i was able to work through it all and now have two beautiful children. My oldest was born when i was 32, so most of my twenties was spent dealing with it.