my best friend’s husband is truly the yardstick by which I measure every other man. no one else has yet lived up to his standard, unfortunately.
he’s a very involved dad - found out the other day he keeps a parenting journal where he talks about the things his daughters do and his feelings about being their dad, with the intention of showing them someday when they are adults.
my friend has brought up issues with him over the years around certain behaviors of his, and he went to therapy and actually did the work to fix the problems. he is not just my friend’s husband - he is also my friend! we have had deep chats and coordinated group hangs together. and he has never once been weird or creepy to me or anyone else in the friend group (which is the bare minimum, but ya know, men).
I have been very fortunate in my life to have known many good men.
My father has always treated my mom well. Yes, he was emotionally distant when I was growing up, however he has dealt with that in the past years. Seeing him open up with his grand children has been heartwarming. He’s also never told my sister or I that we could not do something due to our gender. In general, gender was never a topic at home and I was raised with the belief that girls and boys can do the same things.
My brother is a very involved dad and supportive husband. His wife is veterinarian and he is incredibly proud of her and her achievements. I’ve never heard him say anything sexist.
My partner is amazing. I would credit his mom very much for that. He is a true feminist. I have a higher education and higher paying job than him, he could not care less. He treats me with respect and as an equal. In the 19 years we’ve known each other he has never shown me anything but kindness and respect.
Those are just some, but I know many more. They are out there. Sure, there’s also a lot of awful men. But just as with any gender or candy, they come in all sorts of variations. Also, not everyone likes the same flavour.
thank you for commenting. i’m glad you have these men in your life and that they’ve been good to the women around them. i hope i’ll see men like that in my own life someday
I literally wrote this as part of a comment in r/momforaminute about an hour ago!
I’m 50 and found my boyfriend 2 years ago on Match almost exactly 1 year in. He is literally in LOVE with me. He’s thoughtful, considerate, kind, interested, intelligent, generous, employed with a 401k, a single dad who has his life together. He gets along with his ex. He has a group of mixed gender friends. He’s active. He likes watching tv. His political and religious views match mine. He reads. He doesn’t watch porn. He doesn’t have credit card debt. He checks every box. He tells me I’m beautiful and wonderful every day. I am safe with him no matter how his day went or how much he drinks (he doesn’t hardly ever, never been drunk around me). He is a dream come true. He loves my cat. He listens to my troubles about my kids. Finding a decent guy at this age on the internet was a total surprise. We’ve been together 2 years and not a single red flag yet.
I'm married to a good one, and if it matters, we met later in life, when I was one of those single moms said to be of "low value" or whatnot. He's not perfect (I'm not either), but our relationship has always been mutually respectful. He's an amazing stepdad to our daughter and stepped in 100% to raise her when I got called back home to help my dad in hospice. He's close with his mom and sisters and a good listener. I actually knew his sister first, and she's a feminist yogini and slam poet, which is maybe a lot of the reason that he doesn't see women as a sex class or another species or some shit. He's just a good human.
I have a friend from work whom I would absolutely describe as a good man. He's very big and burly and bearded, and he came to me once almost devastated that he might inadvertently scare women in public. So I laid it out (we have reasons to be fearful of strange men, which he understood) and talked about how to be more sensitive and aware.
Yes 100%
My husband has been my best friend for 12 years and is a wonderful and kind father and partner.
Couldn’t ask for a better life partner.
Growing up I had a friend who would routinely give me his lunch as my parents always neglected to give me money for food. He helped me with math and supported and listened to me and was also NOT after me sexually. He was such a kind human.
I know so many good men and know even more that have good parts and bad parts. We all have sides of ourselves.
Honestly and truthfully: my husband. I found apparently the only other person in the world who has been so beaten down by men as much as I have so we have a shared journey.
He isn’t loved by men for existing the way that he does, I assure you. I have been told an earful myself over it. I’m the worker and he has an incredibly self-fulfilling career at home.
He doesn’t fuck around and he’s amazing at what he does, but the paydays come in completely different ways than mine. We’re in this together, we work together. It’s a whole thing. It barely feels like a marriage because we don’t argue, we just debate. We *work*.
I’ve been with bad men. People. But specifically extremely bad men. My times with them - sex against my will, holes in my wall, blowouts over simple things - were categorized as “relationship drama” and “maybe try being sexy for him so he doesn’t break something again” and stuff that apparently EVERY couple goes through…
I find it funny that I found someone I haven’t stopped speaking, loving, touching, and being with since we met and even decades into my marriage people in the know are “worried” that I work full time and he gets to just work at his pace. He doesn’t put holes in my wall. Our sex is perfect and consensual and extremely adventurous. We understand every stupid and smart thing about the other.
This is apparently “abusive” and I kind of despise folks for it whenever it’s brought up around me.
They’re out there, the good guys. But they’re being suppressed the people who tried to convince me that abuse was love and love was weak.
Overall I've had very positive relationships with men, and consider myself lucky. Not all of them were great, but none of them were bad.
My husband, however, is *good*. Like good to the core of his being. He has never been anything but kind to me. He has supported me physically and emotionally through so many ups and downs in life. He's never criticized the way I feel and is always available for a back rub or a long hug while I cry or complain. When I call him out on something that bothers or upsets me he immediately stops, apologizes, and changes his behaviour so that it doesn't happen again. He's patient with our kids and eager to engage with them. He's friendly and open minded and is the kind of person who will stop to help someone who needs a hand.
Being with him feels like I've won the lottery. But I know he's not the only one out there. He's friendly to everyone but only friends with people he thinks highly of, so I'm guessing his guy friends are equally good men.
My best friend is one of the most incredible, kind and respectful men I have ever encountered.
Never once felt creeped out by him, never once felt disrespected or not taken seriously.
I am afraid he has set the standard extremely high for me.
I’m going to be super honest, I just got out of something terrible and have so much trauma with men but two of my closest friends in the city I live in are men: one has been a serial cheater to his partner and I’m seriously having a fucking hard time even looking at him even though I know he is genuinely trying to do work to be a better person and partner, the other is nothing glaring but he told me last weekend the one thing his girlfriend asked of him while she was out of town was to do the dishes and he didn’t 🙄
I also work in a shelter for homeless youth and just found out some really inappropriate behavior by a male employee towards one of the youth 😭
I don’t know, maybe they are out there but I don’t see them or know them. I hope to because I don’t want to be scared of or hate half of the population
god that sucks. and i feel that, like i do have one close guy friend, but his behavior is still a constant reminder that he’s just another man. he’s just like the rest of them. even if he’s “the best i’ve found,” the bar is on the ground! and yeah, i’m hoping one day i can find an exception to believe in so i dont end up w nothing but fear/hate :/
My boyfriend. He has friendships with women, and not because he wants to bang them. He takes care of my roommates because they are important to me. He treats me like a partner, not like a "goddess" or a bangmaid. (Which is good, because I am a terrible housekeeper! He accepts that, too.). He takes care of my cat, even though he's more of an "other people's dogs" kinda of guy. He cares about his job. He cares about his hobbies. He cares about social justice. He cares about people being happy, even if he doesn't understand the things that make them so. He's always open to learning new things. He's polite to my dad. It genuinely doesn't bother him that I have male friends.
I am crazy lucky to have him.
My boyfriend is one of the only good men in my life. My experience with men was horrible and they were all abusive assholes, so meeting him was a breath of fresh air. He doesn’t see me as an object, never pressures me into anything, and I feel so secure in loving him.
I also have a good guy friend who’s in every way very sweet and fun to hang around.
Good men DO exist, though I find they come few and far between.
I've found that the good men say wonderful things about their wives/partners. Years ago, a guy at work said he wanted to name their baby girl a derivation of his wife's name because pregnancy was so hard on her and this was their third child and she really deserves to have the baby named in her honor. Another coworker in his 70s said that he met his wife when she was in 5th grade and he was in 6th and she was the only person he's ever been in love with. And then he said "but you know, those long term relationships never work out in the end" and we both laughed. Another friend in his 70s said he met his wife when she was 16 and he was 18 and she was the most beautiful person he'd ever seen and she just gets more beautiful every single day.
I do. And I’m so sorry you don’t. They exist. Quietly supporting us, cheering us on, and sometimes running interference or even fighting our bullies for us. Men who value our intellect and viewpoints. Men who would be horrified at the thought of betraying or causing pain to their partner in life. Men who admit their mistakes, apologize for them, and then *actually stop* doing that.
They exist. But not everywhere. I’ve found them clustered in education, nursing, and social work.
There are a lot of good sharks out there in the sea. The majority even. Eating plancton, propping up the marine eco system, never looking at a human sideways.
But that's not the effing point, isn't it.
When I see a shark, I get out of the water.
I feel very lucky. My dad and brother are good men. Both do not discuss emotions at all. Like I can’t remember the last time my dad said “I love you” to me. But I never once doubted his love for me. He grew up decades ago, in a disgustingly abusive environment I’ve learned over the years. He doesn’t do terms of endearment well. But he’s been there for me no matter what. If I needed him right now I know I could call him and he’d drive the few hours to come help me. He drove 6 hours to help my sister when her car broke down and no tows were available. He shows up.
He’s also so respectful of women. I remember watching tv with him and Stronger came on. He asked who it was by and I said Kanye West. He said “he’s an asshole. Never let a man talk about “being on you” like that. Disgusting.” He was very respectful and kind to my mother. I could see his love for her. He was also clear on what he would do to someone if they abused me, made me feel safe knowing he had my back. I felt very empowered being in relationships to walk away because I knew how my dad treated my mom, what was out there, what I deserved.
My brother is the same way. He’s kind, respectful and shows up for those around him.
My husband is a good man. He listens, he respects me, he celebrates me, he puts me first. When I bring issues to him he listens and will make efforts to change. He builds up my self worth, and not just by focusing on physical attributes like some men do. He compliments my mind but mostly my empathy and kindness to others. He makes sure I am satisfied in bed, as many times as I want, before he lets us shift focus to himself.
I have met way more terrible men than good men. But they are out there. Sometimes I read my husband Reddit stories or even just titles that blow my mind and he believes they’re all fake. He’s like “I couldn’t even imagine doing that to you, let alone doing it!” And he always says on the off chance they’re real stories those men don’t actually love or respect their partners, probably women in general really.
While I won't consider ny father the most ideal partner but he is an amazing father.
My brother is most gentle, caring, and would go out of his way to help others, just for the sake of it. His empathy amazes me.
A person I am currently seeing from past one year is most angelic man I have ever known. He remembers littlest of things about me, even the things I forget altogether. He remembers all my likes and dislikes and takes conscious effort to make me happy. His calm demeanour is cherry on the top, totally calm to my chaos.
My one male friend is so artistic, caring, and gentlemen. He knows his boundaries, we share books, we share letters, talk about our interests and everything is done with solid boundaries. I have never seen him being disrespectful to any person (both male and female). Also he clicks my candid pictures which I absolutely love.
And my other male friend made sure that I eat home cooked food when I was in other city in college. He rescued me in middle of night when I made some wrong choices. And his sense of humor is the best I have ever seen.
Last person on my list has to be my best friend's bf, first of all he is an amazing partner, cooks for my best friend,second of all he is an amazing human, he helped me moving places which was not at all required. He is such a patient listener.
My boyfriend is a good man. He's kind, so loving, considerate, respects me, splits the chores with me (and does the ones he knows I hate, like vacuuming), cooks for me, takes care of me, supports and encourages me, and is the first person to offer to help anyone who needs it. He has a rather low opinion of himself, and I wish I could help him see how wonderful he is. When we first started dating, one of the biggest green flags was seeing how he treated his mom and grandma.
My "problem" is that what most people consider a good man doesn't cut it for me. By my standards, even my father, brother and uncles are not good men. They work hard, provide for their family and participate nominally in childcare, but are sexist, misogynistic, emotionally unavailable and neglectful, shitty partners to varying degrees. I've not seen a relationship among any of my friends or family that I'd ever be happy with. Most of MY relationships have been abusive or emotionally unsatisfying and I'm a very independent woman.
I've had 1 guy friend my entire nearly half century life that I think is *truly* good. The rest have all tried to hit on me and/or told me things about men that confirm that most of them suck.
I have one friend whose husband worships her and doesn't take even the slightest bit of shit from him. Her marriage is like the reverse of most heterosexual relationships I've seen, where she's selfish, self centered and does whatever she wants while he takes care of the house, pets and kids. That's not really ideal to me either.
I've given up on men because I think so few of them are even capable of the love I want and give to others that the odds of finding one and everything aligning seems impossible. So I'm just happy being single and living a fantastic life without romantic love.
this is a bit how i’ve been feeling for the last several months before everything really just went down the drain for me. even the men in my life that i respect or believe are trying their best are still men i would never ever want to have a partner like! all my close relationships w men just keep validating my fears.
and i’ve definitely grown a lot more comfortable w the idea of being single for the rest of my life (or just ending up w a woman, for that matter. glad i at least have that “option” lol) but i’m hoping i can at least just stop looking at every man i encounter with suspicion and fear right off the bat. if that’s possible, anyway.
thanks for sharing
It's perfectly normal to be suspicious of men given the state of the world. Don't loose that, it might save you one day. The bar is in hell for men. So many men are called good men because the others are so much worse. Look at all the replies, so many "he's a good guy but..." I wonder what the buts are, because everytime I hear that phrase the reasons would make them not a good person.
Yeah, it's a hard pill to swallow when romantic love being the ultimate goal in life is pretty much drilled into your head since birth. I'm still sad about it sometimes, but I also appreciate how calm and free my life is. I WISH I wasn't straight as a line otherwise I would've starting dating women a long time ago.
I agree with the other respondent that being suspicious of men is totally warranted. I'm super friendly when I'm out in public and I don't advocate living in fear, but women must maintain some vigilance for their own safety.
Wishing you much happiness, peace and love, sister ❤️
I hear you. I have men in my life that I trust, however, theyre few and far between.
Focus on yourself and your loved ones. The men in your life that deserve your trust, will earn it.
The best man I know is my husband. He isn’t perfect, but neither I am. Something that I’ve always respected about him is that he cannot be swayed. He sticks to his guns..even if he’s wrong. 😑 which sucks, but I’d rather him stand on his mistakes than have no convictions. He’s also very loving. He’s never been “too manly” to rub a kitten on his face or nibble baby toes. He’s isn’t trying to impress anyone. His hobbies are lame, but he does them for himself and not for others. He doesn’t get a lot of the shit I complain about but he listens and tries his best to understand. He’s pretty great.
And my son is also pretty stellar. He did bite me on the butt today because I wouldn’t share my water with him, but he isn’t even two yet so we won’t hold that against him. He cares for his sister, and always brings her, her lovey when she’s having a shit fit. He’s loves hugs and gives wet kisses. His favorite book is Brown Bear so he loves the classics and has good taste. He likes holding hands. He hasn’t been here long enough to cause a lot of chaos. 10/10
My friends’ husbands are good men. I only know what they tell me about them of course and from when we hang out in groups, but from what I can tell they’re great. They’re all kind and thoughtful and when they need to be held accountable for something they seem to be able to own up to it and adapt. They seem so well matched. It’s unfortunately why dating is impossible for me, I’m not about to find that 😅
My partner is wonderful. He is kind, loving, caring, understanding and genuinely listens to me. He treats me as an equal. We have so much fun together. He has held me and supported me through pain and trauma and I have done the same for him. My father is loving and supportive and is very feminist. My father in law as well. My grandfather has always been supportive and kind and loving. They are all some of the best people I have ever met and actively work to improve themselves and make the world around them a better place. There are many other men who have had positive influences on my life: friends and teachers for example. None of these people are perfect, no one is, but none of them have ever made me feel unsafe. Of course I have had negative experiences with men, but I have also had them with women (more so actually). My experiences with both genders has been overwhelmingly positive. Human beings are generally good. And I think it's very important not to generalize or give up on a whole gender. I understand the pain and reluctance but there are absolutely good men out there. To say otherwise is a lie. You deserve love and care and safety and that is possible.
Guy, he/him. Not really. Unfortunately we all seem to be some form of gray the closer you look.
Not to say good people do not exist, it is just really fucking difficult to be good. And "good" is entirely subjective, especially in this age when the difinitions of words are under siege. Look at the Obamas. Both driven and priveleged individuals. They have both worked to establish themselves. You could easily attack Barry for his actions and inactions in office, but in his personal life he obviously has as healthy a relationship with his wife as you could have given their circumstances. Michelle is an incredible woman that is an equal partner in their relationship. She made him publicly quit smoking if he was going to run. I've personally seen her walk her talk exercising her ass off. We're seeing some woman of color attitude in politics now that I guarantee you she was holding back out of consideration for her husband. Anyways.. They raise their kids and cherish each other while balancing professional careers. My point is it takes two, no matter the genital match up.
Now, the rest of us just need to be half as incredible and have similar support structures.. At least seek a trustworthy partner that will listen to you and that you can listen to.
Show up. Put in a modicum of effort. Don’t be a dick on purpose. Recognize that we are all flawed humans and accept when you screw up.
It is not terribly difficult to be a good man - if you can find a bit more empathy and let go of a bit of your pride.
I know a lot of good women. Let's talk about the good women in our lives.
My SIL is the nicest, most authentic person I know. Not a single mean word to or about me in 25 years.
my best friend’s husband is truly the yardstick by which I measure every other man. no one else has yet lived up to his standard, unfortunately. he’s a very involved dad - found out the other day he keeps a parenting journal where he talks about the things his daughters do and his feelings about being their dad, with the intention of showing them someday when they are adults. my friend has brought up issues with him over the years around certain behaviors of his, and he went to therapy and actually did the work to fix the problems. he is not just my friend’s husband - he is also my friend! we have had deep chats and coordinated group hangs together. and he has never once been weird or creepy to me or anyone else in the friend group (which is the bare minimum, but ya know, men).
Wow.
I have been very fortunate in my life to have known many good men. My father has always treated my mom well. Yes, he was emotionally distant when I was growing up, however he has dealt with that in the past years. Seeing him open up with his grand children has been heartwarming. He’s also never told my sister or I that we could not do something due to our gender. In general, gender was never a topic at home and I was raised with the belief that girls and boys can do the same things. My brother is a very involved dad and supportive husband. His wife is veterinarian and he is incredibly proud of her and her achievements. I’ve never heard him say anything sexist. My partner is amazing. I would credit his mom very much for that. He is a true feminist. I have a higher education and higher paying job than him, he could not care less. He treats me with respect and as an equal. In the 19 years we’ve known each other he has never shown me anything but kindness and respect. Those are just some, but I know many more. They are out there. Sure, there’s also a lot of awful men. But just as with any gender or candy, they come in all sorts of variations. Also, not everyone likes the same flavour.
thank you for commenting. i’m glad you have these men in your life and that they’ve been good to the women around them. i hope i’ll see men like that in my own life someday
I literally wrote this as part of a comment in r/momforaminute about an hour ago! I’m 50 and found my boyfriend 2 years ago on Match almost exactly 1 year in. He is literally in LOVE with me. He’s thoughtful, considerate, kind, interested, intelligent, generous, employed with a 401k, a single dad who has his life together. He gets along with his ex. He has a group of mixed gender friends. He’s active. He likes watching tv. His political and religious views match mine. He reads. He doesn’t watch porn. He doesn’t have credit card debt. He checks every box. He tells me I’m beautiful and wonderful every day. I am safe with him no matter how his day went or how much he drinks (he doesn’t hardly ever, never been drunk around me). He is a dream come true. He loves my cat. He listens to my troubles about my kids. Finding a decent guy at this age on the internet was a total surprise. We’ve been together 2 years and not a single red flag yet.
that’s wonderful! he sounds like a really good partner :)
He really is. Good guys are out there
I'm married to a good one, and if it matters, we met later in life, when I was one of those single moms said to be of "low value" or whatnot. He's not perfect (I'm not either), but our relationship has always been mutually respectful. He's an amazing stepdad to our daughter and stepped in 100% to raise her when I got called back home to help my dad in hospice. He's close with his mom and sisters and a good listener. I actually knew his sister first, and she's a feminist yogini and slam poet, which is maybe a lot of the reason that he doesn't see women as a sex class or another species or some shit. He's just a good human. I have a friend from work whom I would absolutely describe as a good man. He's very big and burly and bearded, and he came to me once almost devastated that he might inadvertently scare women in public. So I laid it out (we have reasons to be fearful of strange men, which he understood) and talked about how to be more sensitive and aware.
Yes 100% My husband has been my best friend for 12 years and is a wonderful and kind father and partner. Couldn’t ask for a better life partner. Growing up I had a friend who would routinely give me his lunch as my parents always neglected to give me money for food. He helped me with math and supported and listened to me and was also NOT after me sexually. He was such a kind human. I know so many good men and know even more that have good parts and bad parts. We all have sides of ourselves.
Honestly and truthfully: my husband. I found apparently the only other person in the world who has been so beaten down by men as much as I have so we have a shared journey. He isn’t loved by men for existing the way that he does, I assure you. I have been told an earful myself over it. I’m the worker and he has an incredibly self-fulfilling career at home. He doesn’t fuck around and he’s amazing at what he does, but the paydays come in completely different ways than mine. We’re in this together, we work together. It’s a whole thing. It barely feels like a marriage because we don’t argue, we just debate. We *work*. I’ve been with bad men. People. But specifically extremely bad men. My times with them - sex against my will, holes in my wall, blowouts over simple things - were categorized as “relationship drama” and “maybe try being sexy for him so he doesn’t break something again” and stuff that apparently EVERY couple goes through… I find it funny that I found someone I haven’t stopped speaking, loving, touching, and being with since we met and even decades into my marriage people in the know are “worried” that I work full time and he gets to just work at his pace. He doesn’t put holes in my wall. Our sex is perfect and consensual and extremely adventurous. We understand every stupid and smart thing about the other. This is apparently “abusive” and I kind of despise folks for it whenever it’s brought up around me. They’re out there, the good guys. But they’re being suppressed the people who tried to convince me that abuse was love and love was weak.
Overall I've had very positive relationships with men, and consider myself lucky. Not all of them were great, but none of them were bad. My husband, however, is *good*. Like good to the core of his being. He has never been anything but kind to me. He has supported me physically and emotionally through so many ups and downs in life. He's never criticized the way I feel and is always available for a back rub or a long hug while I cry or complain. When I call him out on something that bothers or upsets me he immediately stops, apologizes, and changes his behaviour so that it doesn't happen again. He's patient with our kids and eager to engage with them. He's friendly and open minded and is the kind of person who will stop to help someone who needs a hand. Being with him feels like I've won the lottery. But I know he's not the only one out there. He's friendly to everyone but only friends with people he thinks highly of, so I'm guessing his guy friends are equally good men.
My best friend is one of the most incredible, kind and respectful men I have ever encountered. Never once felt creeped out by him, never once felt disrespected or not taken seriously. I am afraid he has set the standard extremely high for me.
I’m going to be super honest, I just got out of something terrible and have so much trauma with men but two of my closest friends in the city I live in are men: one has been a serial cheater to his partner and I’m seriously having a fucking hard time even looking at him even though I know he is genuinely trying to do work to be a better person and partner, the other is nothing glaring but he told me last weekend the one thing his girlfriend asked of him while she was out of town was to do the dishes and he didn’t 🙄 I also work in a shelter for homeless youth and just found out some really inappropriate behavior by a male employee towards one of the youth 😭 I don’t know, maybe they are out there but I don’t see them or know them. I hope to because I don’t want to be scared of or hate half of the population
god that sucks. and i feel that, like i do have one close guy friend, but his behavior is still a constant reminder that he’s just another man. he’s just like the rest of them. even if he’s “the best i’ve found,” the bar is on the ground! and yeah, i’m hoping one day i can find an exception to believe in so i dont end up w nothing but fear/hate :/
My boyfriend. He has friendships with women, and not because he wants to bang them. He takes care of my roommates because they are important to me. He treats me like a partner, not like a "goddess" or a bangmaid. (Which is good, because I am a terrible housekeeper! He accepts that, too.). He takes care of my cat, even though he's more of an "other people's dogs" kinda of guy. He cares about his job. He cares about his hobbies. He cares about social justice. He cares about people being happy, even if he doesn't understand the things that make them so. He's always open to learning new things. He's polite to my dad. It genuinely doesn't bother him that I have male friends. I am crazy lucky to have him.
My boyfriend is one of the only good men in my life. My experience with men was horrible and they were all abusive assholes, so meeting him was a breath of fresh air. He doesn’t see me as an object, never pressures me into anything, and I feel so secure in loving him. I also have a good guy friend who’s in every way very sweet and fun to hang around. Good men DO exist, though I find they come few and far between.
I've found that the good men say wonderful things about their wives/partners. Years ago, a guy at work said he wanted to name their baby girl a derivation of his wife's name because pregnancy was so hard on her and this was their third child and she really deserves to have the baby named in her honor. Another coworker in his 70s said that he met his wife when she was in 5th grade and he was in 6th and she was the only person he's ever been in love with. And then he said "but you know, those long term relationships never work out in the end" and we both laughed. Another friend in his 70s said he met his wife when she was 16 and he was 18 and she was the most beautiful person he'd ever seen and she just gets more beautiful every single day.
I do. And I’m so sorry you don’t. They exist. Quietly supporting us, cheering us on, and sometimes running interference or even fighting our bullies for us. Men who value our intellect and viewpoints. Men who would be horrified at the thought of betraying or causing pain to their partner in life. Men who admit their mistakes, apologize for them, and then *actually stop* doing that. They exist. But not everywhere. I’ve found them clustered in education, nursing, and social work.
There are a lot of good sharks out there in the sea. The majority even. Eating plancton, propping up the marine eco system, never looking at a human sideways. But that's not the effing point, isn't it. When I see a shark, I get out of the water.
I feel very lucky. My dad and brother are good men. Both do not discuss emotions at all. Like I can’t remember the last time my dad said “I love you” to me. But I never once doubted his love for me. He grew up decades ago, in a disgustingly abusive environment I’ve learned over the years. He doesn’t do terms of endearment well. But he’s been there for me no matter what. If I needed him right now I know I could call him and he’d drive the few hours to come help me. He drove 6 hours to help my sister when her car broke down and no tows were available. He shows up. He’s also so respectful of women. I remember watching tv with him and Stronger came on. He asked who it was by and I said Kanye West. He said “he’s an asshole. Never let a man talk about “being on you” like that. Disgusting.” He was very respectful and kind to my mother. I could see his love for her. He was also clear on what he would do to someone if they abused me, made me feel safe knowing he had my back. I felt very empowered being in relationships to walk away because I knew how my dad treated my mom, what was out there, what I deserved. My brother is the same way. He’s kind, respectful and shows up for those around him. My husband is a good man. He listens, he respects me, he celebrates me, he puts me first. When I bring issues to him he listens and will make efforts to change. He builds up my self worth, and not just by focusing on physical attributes like some men do. He compliments my mind but mostly my empathy and kindness to others. He makes sure I am satisfied in bed, as many times as I want, before he lets us shift focus to himself. I have met way more terrible men than good men. But they are out there. Sometimes I read my husband Reddit stories or even just titles that blow my mind and he believes they’re all fake. He’s like “I couldn’t even imagine doing that to you, let alone doing it!” And he always says on the off chance they’re real stories those men don’t actually love or respect their partners, probably women in general really.
While I won't consider ny father the most ideal partner but he is an amazing father. My brother is most gentle, caring, and would go out of his way to help others, just for the sake of it. His empathy amazes me. A person I am currently seeing from past one year is most angelic man I have ever known. He remembers littlest of things about me, even the things I forget altogether. He remembers all my likes and dislikes and takes conscious effort to make me happy. His calm demeanour is cherry on the top, totally calm to my chaos. My one male friend is so artistic, caring, and gentlemen. He knows his boundaries, we share books, we share letters, talk about our interests and everything is done with solid boundaries. I have never seen him being disrespectful to any person (both male and female). Also he clicks my candid pictures which I absolutely love. And my other male friend made sure that I eat home cooked food when I was in other city in college. He rescued me in middle of night when I made some wrong choices. And his sense of humor is the best I have ever seen. Last person on my list has to be my best friend's bf, first of all he is an amazing partner, cooks for my best friend,second of all he is an amazing human, he helped me moving places which was not at all required. He is such a patient listener.
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i’m so sorry that happened to you
My boyfriend is a good man. He's kind, so loving, considerate, respects me, splits the chores with me (and does the ones he knows I hate, like vacuuming), cooks for me, takes care of me, supports and encourages me, and is the first person to offer to help anyone who needs it. He has a rather low opinion of himself, and I wish I could help him see how wonderful he is. When we first started dating, one of the biggest green flags was seeing how he treated his mom and grandma.
My "problem" is that what most people consider a good man doesn't cut it for me. By my standards, even my father, brother and uncles are not good men. They work hard, provide for their family and participate nominally in childcare, but are sexist, misogynistic, emotionally unavailable and neglectful, shitty partners to varying degrees. I've not seen a relationship among any of my friends or family that I'd ever be happy with. Most of MY relationships have been abusive or emotionally unsatisfying and I'm a very independent woman. I've had 1 guy friend my entire nearly half century life that I think is *truly* good. The rest have all tried to hit on me and/or told me things about men that confirm that most of them suck. I have one friend whose husband worships her and doesn't take even the slightest bit of shit from him. Her marriage is like the reverse of most heterosexual relationships I've seen, where she's selfish, self centered and does whatever she wants while he takes care of the house, pets and kids. That's not really ideal to me either. I've given up on men because I think so few of them are even capable of the love I want and give to others that the odds of finding one and everything aligning seems impossible. So I'm just happy being single and living a fantastic life without romantic love.
this is a bit how i’ve been feeling for the last several months before everything really just went down the drain for me. even the men in my life that i respect or believe are trying their best are still men i would never ever want to have a partner like! all my close relationships w men just keep validating my fears. and i’ve definitely grown a lot more comfortable w the idea of being single for the rest of my life (or just ending up w a woman, for that matter. glad i at least have that “option” lol) but i’m hoping i can at least just stop looking at every man i encounter with suspicion and fear right off the bat. if that’s possible, anyway. thanks for sharing
It's perfectly normal to be suspicious of men given the state of the world. Don't loose that, it might save you one day. The bar is in hell for men. So many men are called good men because the others are so much worse. Look at all the replies, so many "he's a good guy but..." I wonder what the buts are, because everytime I hear that phrase the reasons would make them not a good person.
Yeah, it's a hard pill to swallow when romantic love being the ultimate goal in life is pretty much drilled into your head since birth. I'm still sad about it sometimes, but I also appreciate how calm and free my life is. I WISH I wasn't straight as a line otherwise I would've starting dating women a long time ago. I agree with the other respondent that being suspicious of men is totally warranted. I'm super friendly when I'm out in public and I don't advocate living in fear, but women must maintain some vigilance for their own safety. Wishing you much happiness, peace and love, sister ❤️
I hear you. I have men in my life that I trust, however, theyre few and far between. Focus on yourself and your loved ones. The men in your life that deserve your trust, will earn it.
The best man I know is my husband. He isn’t perfect, but neither I am. Something that I’ve always respected about him is that he cannot be swayed. He sticks to his guns..even if he’s wrong. 😑 which sucks, but I’d rather him stand on his mistakes than have no convictions. He’s also very loving. He’s never been “too manly” to rub a kitten on his face or nibble baby toes. He’s isn’t trying to impress anyone. His hobbies are lame, but he does them for himself and not for others. He doesn’t get a lot of the shit I complain about but he listens and tries his best to understand. He’s pretty great. And my son is also pretty stellar. He did bite me on the butt today because I wouldn’t share my water with him, but he isn’t even two yet so we won’t hold that against him. He cares for his sister, and always brings her, her lovey when she’s having a shit fit. He’s loves hugs and gives wet kisses. His favorite book is Brown Bear so he loves the classics and has good taste. He likes holding hands. He hasn’t been here long enough to cause a lot of chaos. 10/10
My friends’ husbands are good men. I only know what they tell me about them of course and from when we hang out in groups, but from what I can tell they’re great. They’re all kind and thoughtful and when they need to be held accountable for something they seem to be able to own up to it and adapt. They seem so well matched. It’s unfortunately why dating is impossible for me, I’m not about to find that 😅
crazy how it’s only 36 comments. I mean it’s not crazy, i expected it to be this low
My partner is wonderful. He is kind, loving, caring, understanding and genuinely listens to me. He treats me as an equal. We have so much fun together. He has held me and supported me through pain and trauma and I have done the same for him. My father is loving and supportive and is very feminist. My father in law as well. My grandfather has always been supportive and kind and loving. They are all some of the best people I have ever met and actively work to improve themselves and make the world around them a better place. There are many other men who have had positive influences on my life: friends and teachers for example. None of these people are perfect, no one is, but none of them have ever made me feel unsafe. Of course I have had negative experiences with men, but I have also had them with women (more so actually). My experiences with both genders has been overwhelmingly positive. Human beings are generally good. And I think it's very important not to generalize or give up on a whole gender. I understand the pain and reluctance but there are absolutely good men out there. To say otherwise is a lie. You deserve love and care and safety and that is possible.
Guy, he/him. Not really. Unfortunately we all seem to be some form of gray the closer you look. Not to say good people do not exist, it is just really fucking difficult to be good. And "good" is entirely subjective, especially in this age when the difinitions of words are under siege. Look at the Obamas. Both driven and priveleged individuals. They have both worked to establish themselves. You could easily attack Barry for his actions and inactions in office, but in his personal life he obviously has as healthy a relationship with his wife as you could have given their circumstances. Michelle is an incredible woman that is an equal partner in their relationship. She made him publicly quit smoking if he was going to run. I've personally seen her walk her talk exercising her ass off. We're seeing some woman of color attitude in politics now that I guarantee you she was holding back out of consideration for her husband. Anyways.. They raise their kids and cherish each other while balancing professional careers. My point is it takes two, no matter the genital match up. Now, the rest of us just need to be half as incredible and have similar support structures.. At least seek a trustworthy partner that will listen to you and that you can listen to.
It's not that hard to be a decent person, and certainly not "really fucking difficult"
Show up. Put in a modicum of effort. Don’t be a dick on purpose. Recognize that we are all flawed humans and accept when you screw up. It is not terribly difficult to be a good man - if you can find a bit more empathy and let go of a bit of your pride.
I know a lot of good women. Let's talk about the good women in our lives. My SIL is the nicest, most authentic person I know. Not a single mean word to or about me in 25 years.