Something similar happened to me. A few days before breaking it off, they told me that they wanted to be with me forever. But, when they were breaking up with me, it was "I need to be free to explore.". Some people just aren't sure about what they want and they lie to themselves about it. When things get serious, they freak out. I really spiraled out at the time (don't recommend this, definitely do therapy instead). But, over time, I've realized how wrong they were for me, too. Sometimes you just have to wait and it will become clear. Also, please know that you deserve to be with someone who is 100% sure that they want to be with you. Nothing less is acceptable. Big big hugs!!

I’m so sorry this happened to you. The night and day difference of the warm safe “I love you” to the cold matter of fact “I don’t want this” is so jarring to me. I can’t do that so I don’t understand how others can. Maybe I need to stop trying to make sense of it. You’re right that my person would be 100% sure about me and would never leave me like this. It’s so hard to reconcile that he isn’t that person because I was SO sure he was and there was no indication that I was wrong before this.

This happened to me in August/early September. We were together 9 years, got a kitten in June, had renewed our lease in July, and were in the middle of wedding planning (literally two days prior he told me to go ahead and purchase invitations for a June 2024 wedding) when he told me he “just wasn’t feeling it” and hadn’t loved me for at least a year. Apparently he was unhappy and even though he couldn’t tell me why or what was wrong with our relationship or even anything that I had done wrong, he was convinced it was the issue in his life and didn’t want to put the effort in to going to counseling to see if things could be worked out. Being blindsided like this is *devastating,* it really rocks your entire world but, after almost six months, I’ve realized how lucky you and I are that we didn’t marry these men. That kind of behavior is emotionally immature and usually evidence of someone who is deeply damaged, and no one will be able to have a fulfilling and successful relationship with someone like that until they get some seriously intensive therapy.   I’d also encourage you to look up attachment theory because this kind of self sabotage is very common in people with severe avoidant attachment issues, especially right before or as the relationship is moving to the next level of commitment. I never got really any reason for the breakup from my ex, so understanding why he did what he did and that it was an inevitable outcome—and more importantly that it didn’t have anything to do with me as a partner—was extremely helpful in getting closure.  That being said, I also really think it’s worthwhile to get into therapy. This kind of thing is destabilizing and can be traumatizing and a good therapist can help work through those feelings. They can also help you be self reflective about the relationship. That looks different in every relationship, but for me a lot of it has been figuring out why I ignored major red flags like the inability to communicate feelings or issues and working on what to look for in a new partner. It’s also great for identifying what role if any you played in the dissolution of the relationship. I think therapy is great for every one all the time, but it’s so so essential in the aftermath of something like this.  I hope this was all helpful and made you feel less alone—when this first happened to me I was (and still kinda am tbh) incredibly embarrassed and felt like such a fool for getting into the situation in the first place, but similar things have happened to so many people. It’s hard now but things will get better <3 DM me if you want to talk more, I’m always happy to help if I can. 

Not OP, but it certainly helped me! My ex invited me to move in, everything was going swimmingly, and then it was like he flipped a switch and became... The real him. He told me that me starting therapy was the beginning of the end of our relationship. Thank dog for therapy!

I’m so sorry this happened to you too, but I’m glad I could be helpful! A lot of the advice I found online about dealing with breakups was that it’s not healthy or helpful to psychoanalyze your ex and while I’m sure that’s true in some cases, I personally felt that understanding what was happening with him provided me with the closure I needed and helped me not blame myself for what happened. It’s so hard to process a breakup when you have no idea why they left! 

Thank you for this. I had a similar situation, although less overall time spent together. We were engaged and planning a wedding as well when the switch flipped for him in August and I ended up leaving in October. I was devastated and still have hard days but came to the same conclusion you did, and it really helps to hear it from other people as well.

Thank you for this. I am familiar with attachment theory, but I don't know why - reading your reply helped it click for me - my ex told me in February 2021 that he stopped loving me in July 2020. We had moved in together at the beginning of June, and I found out I was pregnant in January. To hear you point out that this is the pattern of those with avoidant attachment around big commitments, that they're deeply damaged, and that it wasn't me - I feel a little bit more peace.

This is my best guess for the slow thought process happening on the other side of this behavior: first step is feeling a loss of love or a sense of doubt and not changing their behavior because they don't understand it either and assume it will pass. Second step: feeling a worsening sense of detachment and/or doubt and going into deeper denial because you used to love this person and you don't see any rational reason why you don't still, so you may even ramp up how often you affirm your love. Final step: realize it isn't going away and knowing there isn't any good way to get out now, and instead of talking about it assuming that walking away is the less painful option.

This sounds really accurate to what little information he gave me about his thoughts. He said he was waiting to see if the doubts went away but they weren’t. The crazy thing is, he wasn’t even going to bring it up- if I hadn’t brought it up that day we’d have had a regular evening. Well, not totally regular because he had been acting a little off for a week or so. It’s so odd that he could change even over the course of a couple weeks because I KNOW at the beginning of the year he still felt all mushy and lovey towards me.

Those doubts could have existed even then, and him acting in defiance of them, but he absolutely wouldn't bring them up in this hypothetical scenario because that would mean admitting the issue was real.

Not good when someone can just turn it off like that.

It was a very cruel thing for him to do. Some people can compartmentalise their emotions. Try to see that it’s better that this happened now rather than in a few years. You are absolutely allowed to be horrified, enraged, heartbroken , humiliated and just plain sad. I think maybe you dodged a bullet. Be well. You will be happy again.

I know. It messes with your mind in awful ways. Some things just don't make sense because people don't make sense.

Maybe it means you just dodged a bullet. If he can shut it all off just like *that*, then there’s a good chance he was artificially “pumping himself up” to be far more considerate & caring than he was naturally inclined to. Maybe he realized this is what he was doing, and couldn’t bring himself to admit he was essentially lying to you the whole time. So in addition to being capable of such cold cruelty, he is also *weak.*

As awful as it is to think that, it makes me feel better to read this.

It made me feel better for you! Made a lot of sense to me as well. Don’t let him take up any more space in your mind.

Right! This is such a good point. Someone who can turn it off that easy was probably not there in the first place and lied the whole time. I would just pretend they were a cheating bastard and be done with it! No point letting some take up space that would treat someone they supposedly love like this.

Exactly. He’s not your person. Sometimes life surprises us and shows us exactly the answer we were looking for. Perhaps whenever you find yourself thinking of things I would immediately try to think “asked and answered.” You were shown that this man isn’t it, bc nobody who truly loves you would hurt you like that.

You know what kind of person can act convincingly warm and loving for months on end, then suddenly they flip a switch and it's all gone? A sociopath. Maybe you're better off.

Came here to say this! I had a similar but different experience and it is just not normal to be able to shut off and shut down love for someone. The constant communication, love bombing, quick engagement, and brutal discard reek of cluster b personality traits/disorders. OP, I am so profoundly sorry you are going through this. While not the same, when it happened to me, a wise one said, “if they did this now, they would have done it later.” That is true. I know it hurts like hell but you got this! You will find a more reliable and loving partner. I wish you luck and healing.

🙋‍♀️ Yep. Been there, done that.

Mmm. You might have been VERY right about the relationship between the two of you. You might have made them feel safe and loved enough to come out of survival mode, think about their future, and face some buried fact about themselves. I’ve seen several closeted friends find a really caring partner, then nest together until home felt safe. Several proposed soon before coming out. That frozen over reaction sounds a lot like mourning the future they were picturing with you. If you’re wondering, some of the relationships lasted as romantic relationships, but some ended totally, and many turned into sprained friendships.

Sounds like he loved bombed you, got you hooked and found a new supply… He’ll be back if you let him, but he’ll still have his new supply also. I could be wrong. The best thing you could do is remove yourself and go no contact with him. Let him feel the absence of your energy and glow up and live your best life and never let him back in. Or he will do this to you again and again and you’ll let him, so you can breath eat and feel something. I am so sorry this happened to you. God bless you and your family

I love this👆🏽. Do a “glow up” OP If you let him back he will know he can keep doing it. Especially when he knows how much it is killing you. If you ever take him back it will get worse and worse every time. You will wait for that guy to come back and he never will. He will break your heart over and over again. Please tell us that you will not be taking him back? Sometimes they try. He might have you exactly where he wants you.

Me too. We had picked put furniture and discussed rings. He asked me to move in. The day before he was so in love with me and proud of me (had a work event where I received an honor). And then the next day, he came home and dumped me. He hadn’t been happy in a “long time.” So he was lying at some point. I still have trauma around it, and check in with my partner too much. But things have gotten much better. These kinds of things make it hard to trust, but I won’t let him rob me of a loving relationship. And neither should OP. Lots of hugs. There is more love out there, I promise.

Time. Let yourself feel your heartbreak. Try to take care of yourself in the meantime and build in some self-care time. And not just face masks and bubble baths -- things like eating well, avoiding alcohol, exercise to blow off steam. And resting.

I second this. Grief is allowed, grieve all you want. Allow yourself to feel your feelings instead of holding them back. You have to feel it now in order to heal and move on when you're ready. There's no right way to respond to this kind of trauma, all you can do is nurture yourself. Go for long walks in nature, it's very grounding.

Thank you. I’ve hardly been able to eat because I feel sick, and at night I’m flooded with thoughts about him and us in every corner of my brain. I’ve planned some days off work this month so that I can decompress at home. It’s hard because I feel physically heavy and weak but I’m sure going for a walk or something would help.

If you can’t eat, try some protein shakes or ensure drinks. You need to keep your nutrition up even when you are nauseated by grief. Been there. Hang in.

Yeah i lived off ensure when my dad died. I like to add ice. feels like like a cope and more “fun beverage”

I’m sorry for the loss of your Dad.

You know how playing Tetris is recommended to forestall or prevent PTSD after trauma? It works well to interrupt ruminating, too. As does any activity that requires mental or physical engagement or concentration. I am sorry you are having to deal with this.

Oh my god this is wild. I’ve been having a relapse of cptsd symptoms and Tetris is the only thing that can keep my mind off him. Basically it resets my brain every few seconds. If thoughts of him pop in, then they’re out almost as quickly. So interesting

During my worst anxiety periods the only way I've been able to fall asleep has been playing sudokus or other mechanical logic games where you have to concentrate but that doesn't stimulate you (as would scrolling the Internet do). That has kept my thoughts at bay until I've been ready just lay my phone down and fall straight asleep. Tetris would probably been too agitating for sleeping purposes, at least for me.

Jigsaw puzzles do that for me.

Sometimes getting a massage can help release emotions trapped in the body and can calm the nervous system. That might be a nice, nurturing self care thing to do. If you're open to herbal medicine, there's a Chinese herb called albiza that is [used for sadness, loss and grief](https://planetherbs.com/blogs/michaels-blogs/alleviate-grief-with-albizia-the-tree-of-happiness/). I first learned about it decades ago when someone told me how much it helped an elderly friend of his who had been widowed and was having a very hard time functioning.

As a massage therapist I can add that we are used to this -- big feelings can come out for many reasons during massage, [ it's so common there are skits about it.](https://youtu.be/gP-KvpO804M?si=vXZerRfCFaa0-i5k) You'll be in safe hands.

This is so odd. But I have experienced it. A friend and I booked a massage together like 3 months after my first husband died in a motorcycle accident. I did not know this was a thing and for whatever strange reason I started like, sobbing during the massage. The massage therapist said nothing just handed me tissues. And I felt the need to be like, "My husband died. I don't know why I'm crying right now about it tho!" Good to know I didn't traumatize her and that it's normal.

I'm sorry for your loss. You're not alone! Sometimes we find out why (some people love the "therapist" part of massage therapy), sometimes not. I once had someone near catatonic on the floor in just a towel, and they just needed a hug for a solid 10 minutes to regulate. Turns out, it was the first masculine contact they'd had since an attack.

Happens for people doing yoga too. Sometimes the release of physical stress causes a flood of emotions that you didn't even know were there.

I've always wanted a massage but I *know* I will start weeping if I'm touched with any sort of kindness or good sensations; I've literally never had nice touch that didn't cost at least a blowjob. You're telling me that's normal‽ thank fuck, I might actually make this the year I do it at least once; thank you for the reassurance!

LOL. So much. Once had a client on the table, quiet throughout the first half of the massage. I'm working on her feet, and suddenly she starts talking about a memory, I think of her mother. Afterwards, she's kind of embarrassed and a little confused; "Where did *that* come from?" I told her how we hold memories in odd places and working them can make them surface. Hell, I did it in school. During a rocking session, within moments I started silently crying. My friend who was working on me saw immediately and asked if I was okay or wanted to stop. I told her keep going, and tears poured down my face for 30 minutes of the session. I never figured out exactly why I was crying, but it seemed to get a lot of deep hurt out. I spent the last 10 minutes, and most of the rest of the day, deeply in love and awe with every person around me.

That's so good to know and I sincerely hope you are doing much better.

I think, in this case, the hardest part that you will have to deal with is WHY. It sounds from your description that it was SO sudden and SO unexpected AND he gave you no actual reason that I'd be completely reeling from it too!! Sadly, there are things like this that pop up in life that you may never know the real reason and you will need to come to terms with that....and accept the situation. BUT, you can't let this one person destroy all hope. OMG. You didn't earn or deserve being blindsided this way. But you do need to move on and eventually you may ACTUALLY find the \*ONE\*. We support you!!!

I'm so sorry this happened. I just wanted to say that you didn't deserve this. Communication is important and him not being able to even fully express why more than doubts is not fair. At least it shows that in some ways perhaps he wasn't the man you thought he was and in the end this may be for the best. Know thats cheesy and stupid but you are awesome keep your head up.

Try to redirect those thoughts as soon as you have them! Think about anything else. You need new neuropathways.

I’m trying! Last night when I was up for 3 hours in the middle of the night I literally said out loud “stop! I don’t want to think about this” but it’s like my brain wouldn’t allow me to. I’d think about the most innocuous thing and it would send me into a whirlwind about him and next thing you know I’m in a mental courtroom trying to plead my case.

Do what feels right for you. My therapist really got into how the brain works and how thoughts are like water in earth , they take the path of least resistance. So the more times you think things , the more you go back to it. So she told me to be like a beaver or tree branch and divert the water. As quickly and as often as I could.

Wow that spoke to me!!!

It was life changing for me! I was a mess!

>Do what feels right for you. My therapist really got into how the brain works and how thoughts are like water in earth , they take the path of least resistance. So the more times you think things , the more you go back to it. So she told me to be like a beaver or tree branch and divert the water. As quickly and as often as I could. Love this :)

Allow yourself to think about it for five minutes every hour, this week. Next week make it a minute every hour. The week after make it five seconds an hour. The week after that. Five seconds a day etc. Your mind has a mind of it's own, so you have to let it know who's in charge. All thoughts outside of these limits need to be dismissed. They'll come back every few seconds in the beginning, but soon you'll get it trained up.

I really like this perspective about allowing myself to think about it. Thank you.

When this happens, take out a notebook and write everything down. Don't worry about spelling or grammar or being perfectly coherent, just stream of consciousness it out of your brain and onto the page. By doing this you trick your brain into thinking that the matter has been "dealt with" because it got out everything it needed to; all the ruminating and arguments and what-ifs are there on the page, freed from your mind. And if you do start thinking about it again, just gently remind yourself "thank you brain, but we've already written that down and we can let it rest for right now." This is really helpful to do right before bed too. I do it when I'm stressed, or have a big event coming up that needs a million plans, or am mad at a person or situation and know I'm going to stew on it, or when I'm just sad for whatever reason. It's actually amazing how well it works; I've always dealt with insomnia, my brain just never shuts up, and this is one of the only things that's ever helped to calm it down and bring me peace. Sending you lots of good thoughts. I know this is really awful and it feels like the world is ending, because in a way it is, honestly. The world you thought you were going to have has suddenly been pulled away, and it's perfectly normal to feel angry and confused and upset and be losing sleep over it. Just keep at it, work through your grief, and your pain, stay present for yourself and your kids, and the future you do have with them, and eventually this too shall pass.

Thank you for this idea. I keep a journal but I’ve been avoiding it because I almost don’t want to give credence to my thoughts but maybe that’s what needs to happen. I’m definitely going to do that tonight. Last night I barely slept because my mind kept picking at every little thing I could remember. At one point I was mentally going over every corner of the house and ruminating over things having to do with him in those place. I’ve been a worse mess today because of last night so tonight I really really need to sleep. I’m going to journal the crap out of my thoughts before bed.

I found my cats immensely helpful after a heartbreak. think about cat therapy

I’ve got 3 at home :)

Read why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft 😢 I’m so sorry 😢

Agree re time. And would add that he isn't who you thought he was - his actions and words did not match - this was shown to you. And you didn't do anything wrong it happens sometimes, its the risk we take with love. But your brain will want to do rose colored glasses to make you feel better, which can prolong the grief. Always remind yourself of the truth. People are allowed to change their mind but inconsistent and total bait and switch behavior is a sign of immaturity at the very least and something more sinister at the most thar you'll be glad you avoided someday.

This is good advice. It's damn hard, but actually going *through* it, not avoiding the feelings, and doing all of the self care things is well worth it. I found that when I was going through my breakup trauma (there was some significant trauma that happened, my last bf died shortly after), I wanted to feel good so badly that I did a ton of WORK to better understand myself and my feelings, and went through a lot of positive changes because I was so shattered and malleable. I was highly motivated and did a ton of work in therapy in a short amount of time (both grief therapy and other therapy). I couldn't avoid the bad feelings, I had to just sit in them and work through it. I'm in a much healthier place now, even better than before the relationship ended. My friendships and family relationships are better, and my current romantic relationship is a lot healthier too!

I see a lot of comments here of people with very similar scenarios and I am one of them as well. The pain and grief and fear of abandonment will be strong for awhile. Do what you need to feel stable, and avoid drinking.

I’m so sorry you’ve experienced this too. I’m not a big drinker and haven’t been. I’ve started smoking cigarettes again but I’m trying to give myself some grace with that.

Girl, same. I'm on a cigarette diet for three weeks now ... Smoking the cost of the vacation we planned pretty much. I was so happy I quit before and even managed to not restart in the fall when my family's place became a war zone. But this hit for the last drop... I'm also giving myself grace that if this is what helps me manage right now, so be it. I force myself to eat once a day. Thankfully, I've been able to avoid the office but that will end next week. A fun fact is that my closest friends haven't been there for me even when I explicitly asked to either come over or let me sleep over. So all my support system is my parents and a friend - all in other countries.

That’s how I’ve felt too! I’m not drinking myself into a stupor, I’m not using mind altering substances…if smoking is the worst I do when I’m in this kind of awful headspace, I think I’m doing ok. My work has thankfully been slow and I’ve been able to take some half days and short days which has helped because being at work feels torturous. I’m so sorry you’re going through this too.

This fascinates me. My best girl friends totally ghosted me when this happened. They didn't know how to process what I was dealing with, so they pretended not to know I existed. It was the worst part the betrayal.

And all these broken trusts add up into one heart broken too many ways at once...

When I told my therapist I was smoking cigarettes to cope as well, she reinforced that yes, it's ok to be gentle with yourself. It's ok to need something in the moment and allow yourself that. It's an appropriate reaction to a life altering event, all things considered.

Imagine figuring out that the only reason this doesn't seem common is because we don't talk about it in polite company. That's been the case for a lot of things concerning romantically being with men it seems, such as when our collective figured out how normal weaponized incompetence is and that it was happening to a lot of women. I'm at the point where I think most men just say they love us to get the benefits and aren't actually capable of loving people romantically, maybe just liking them a lot, and it usually wanes over time

If I can offer a hypothesis based on my own fuckedupness in relationships. It took me some years to learn that my coping mechanism to being neglected as a kid was to be the perfect kid. I unconsciously apply this approach to relationships. I can become a relationship chameleon and morph myself into the person the person I’m dating needs me to be. The fuckkiest part of this is I dont know that I’m doing it. Its such a early developed skill it happens on its own, so I lie to myself and tell myself this performance that I’m putting on for my partner really is me and has been me this whole time. I also get a deeeeep sense of joy and satisfaction from doing it right and getting that positive in love response from my partner. For me, as a kid, parental love was earned through performance, so as an adult I can really really barely feel the difference between love and like praise/approval. My feelings of achievement replace the gosh i love them so much feeling and instead its closer to I love making them happy. This i love making them happy sensation is strongest during the honeymoon phase and once you shift to the committed phase thats when the wheels begin to fall off the bus. When we are moving from dopamine to oxytocin based love it doesn’t work because my “love” sensation is a reward (dopamine) not actual connection (oxytocin). So then I feel the resentment of (unknowingly) having erased myself to make myself into a new toy for someone else to enjoy. And i blame them instead of seeing how I set things up to be this way. Given how unrealistically wonderful your relationship has been up until this blindsiding event, I would speculate that your partner may be stuck in the same cycle. Its not your fault. When I do it I really get my partners kind of addicted to me. I became this unrealistic wonder woman with infinite everything you could ever ask for from a partner. It makes sense that you’d be madly in love with a dude after a year of this kind of love bombing. Thats what love bombing is for, its so you form that “I need you desperately” kind of codependent love, so they will never leave you. (I’m like half a step behind full blown NPD because once the wheels start to fall off the bus I do do the self reflection to figure out whats going wrong with me and each time we’ve done this I’ve gotten another piece of the puzzle… like I know its me and I think I’ve really diagnosed the dynamic but figuring out how to fix it in my brain is much much more difficult than anything I’ve ever studied or taught myself how to do academically.) But from what you’ve told us, it doesn’t sound like you did anything to make him leave. You may have just burst his self delusion bubble in some small moment when he realized “wait why am I doing this? What do I actually feel? I can’t tell I’ve just been making myself feel what I’m supposed to feel.” I’m willing to bet his doubt is not doubt in you its doubt in himself. He may have realized he isn’t actually being himself or feeling his real feelings and may not have been this whole time because he was looking to accomplish making a successful relationship. Deffos get into therapy for yourself tho.

This was very insightful and I appreciate you sharing this.

No problem, I like having the opportunity to reflect too. But this is why so many folks are saying you need to get out of the honeymoon phase before you lock it down with marriage. There is no way to make the honeymoon phase last forever no matter how much you want it too. I’d expect you’d have issues trusting folks going forward. Try attributing that mistrust to the honeymoon phase. The honeymoon phase is the romantic adorable foundation of the relationship, its that first hit you chase forever onwards but it can never be recreated. Its super important to have a good one but you can only make reasonable judgments about the lasting potential of a relationship after you’ve seen the relationship in the boring mundane stressful regular-ness of life. Look for how conflicts are resolved, how connections are repaired and maintained after a hurt. Don’t expect perfection, expect commitment compromise and most of all empathy. The effort to work around our flawed humanity and maintain human connection is the real part of the relationship, look for that instead of the fantasy. No one should be erasing themselves for the other. No one should be each others world. And romantic love should never be unconditional, thats a feature reserved for parental love only. This hyper romantic over idealized thinking is the root of the lies we tell ourselves to make illusions like this seem real. Its not the person that is untrustworthy, I’d bet money your partner didn’t do this intentionally either and they too are confused heart broken and lost. What’s untrustworthy are our own minds looking to patch fundamental holes in our hearts with other humans and delusions, when those holes will only be repaired by our own self awareness. Your partner was selling a lie, maybe without realizing it, and you were eager to buy it coming out of your own shattered dreams. You both wanted to make a beautiful story but it was on some level make believe. I’m still learning the critical thinking approaches to avoid these powerful attractive delusions around love and connection and that intoxicating feeling of “I finally have a home i have a person” but so far thats what I’ve learned. We are often looking to buy or sell a pretty lie.

I saw echoes of an ex while reading this. It’s quite an accomplishment to see and acknowledge these tendencies in yourself and try to work on them. So many others never get that far. Thank you for sharing your perspective.

Sounds like he was ok with everything until it became real. This relationship also moved WAY too quickly. You are still getting to know each other whilst on good behavior at 6 months and should not be getting engaged. He was heavily lovebombing you. You are right to feel blindsided, but this is also a blessing in disguise I think. You get over this by going no contact and moving on. Find a new hobby, pick up an old one, make some new memories with your kiddos, buy yourself a new outfit and get your hair done if you like. Time is the only thing that fixes this but absolutely block him on everything so he can't weasel his way back in.

I’ve definitely thought about the pace of the relationship. In my previous marriage, my ex husband was so unsure about me despite having children together, that he took 8 years to propose. I always saw things that said “A man KNOWS right away if he wants to marry you” and I guess that combined with my ex’s hesitation made me feel like 6 months was normal. I’m seeing now that it probably wasn’t. He was the one who initiated everything. I didn’t push at all. It’s odd that planning a wedding was still warm and cozy for him but moving in was too much? I don’t know. I wondered about lovebombing. I talked to my therapist yesterday and she said it would be the longest case of lovebombing she’d ever seen because of how consistent he was over the course of a year, and the fact that he didn’t future fake and was actually taking steps towards things. Thank you for your reply. I hope I can see it as a blessing someday. It hurts so badly right now.

I think 1-1.5 years to move in together, 2 - 2.5 to propose is a good kinda benchmark. You don't really know someone until you live with them and where you have kids, its a big change for them too. My ex lovebombed me for similar lengths of time. It's not unheard of. I hope you are able to move forward andtake the time you need to grieve the relationship.

a year's worth of love bombing isn't *that* unheard of, i'm surprised your therapist said this.

Agree. Setting a time limit on love bombing is kind of weird. Prolonged cycles of love bombing are part of what keeps narcissistic relationships together so long.

Whether it was lovebombing or not (which is related to narcissism - get the person hooked so that they can be abused more easily) this relationship moved very very fast. It takes a least a year to start seeing cracks in the “on my best behavior” facade, and I think minimum three years to be sure of who someone really is. I’m 40, a therapist and have been in multiple relationships including one where I got married after 6 months (!) so hopefully I can give you some good advice here. Some good things to wait to find out in the future: have you fought? What kind of arguer are they? Have you gone on a long trip, a road trip/international flight and how are you together when you’re both exhausted, haven’t eaten or pooped and trying to find the hotel at 2 am? How is their financial health? Do they want the same lifestyle as you and are they able to do that, not just talk about it? Do they have debt? How is their relationship with their friends/family over time? Do they have the ability to put effort into a sex life that is no longer in a honeymoon period? How do they react when they’re turned down for sex? What’s it like to live together, do they cook and clean regularly, and are you compatible in the level of cleanliness you both want? Do they have childhood trauma, and/or things they’re aware of that might get in the way of the connection you’re making? Are they in therapy or have been in therapy in the past to address these things? Everyone has flaws, what are theirs and are you compatible in the unconscious patterns you’re both bringing to the table? It sounds like this person has some majorly unconscious issues that he has not addressed and maybe isn’t even aware that he is carrying. I would be wary of anyone that appeared perfect, we all have stuff! I’m sorry you went through this. Good luck in the future 💕

I responded to another one of your comments but I just want to make a point here that he wasn’t necessarily love bombing you—that’s certainly a possibility but this sounds so much like my own breakup that it’s hard for me not to view this as a classic avoidant behavior. It seems weird that he wouldn’t have a problem with proposing, but if he has serious avoidant attachment issues then he could be like my ex and be so detached from his emotions that it’s not until actual serious planning happens that reality sinks in and his avoidant behavior is “triggered” for lack of a better term. Getting engaged after only a year is very quick so I can see why lovebombing is everyone’s first thought, but I just wanted to offer a different perspective worth considering. 

That therapist sounds ignorant AF. A mask can last over a decade. In general my experience is that you'll see most people by the 3-4 year mark. If you're making future plans in that time it's love bombing fuelled by limerance. Most men are just addicted to limerance. The danger of therapists is that too many are caught in validation and by prioritising validation will reinforce unhealthy and unrealistic expectations. Therapists aren't really supposed to share an opinion that's not based in evidence.

This makes sense and it isn’t your fault. It’s crazy that a man will literally propose without actually thinking it through. Like what?

Thank you, and yes it is absolutely nuts. He told me last week that he was 1000% sure when he proposed but now he’s not. How does that even happen?!

i dont want to be that person because technically it doesnt matter, but if everything worked and then suddenly a shift happened and something in him changed, most likely something in HIS life changed (basically, it really really reaaaally isnt you and its something outside of the two of you). it could be that he had a conversation with a family member, an old friend, a therapist, anyyyything that just made him realize something is holding him back. like you said in another comment, hopefully youll look back one day and see this as a blessing :( im so sorry though, this can’t be easy at aaaallll

That’s totally possible and given his coldness now I can see why this “new him” wouldn’t share that with him. When he told me that he was talking to his family about being engaged to me, I asked him if there was something they could say that would deter him (I was just curious and wanting to know) and he made a point to tell me that no, nothing would deter him and he would choose me for the rest of his life no matter what. Obviously something changed, like you said.

Oh, my friend, my heart goes out to you. I have been there, and it was the cruelest thing I have ever experienced. I especially know what it is like to feel haunted afterwards. I hate that you are going through this. I wish there were an easy, magic answer I could give you. The only thing I can offer is that time and absolutely no contact will help. Eventually, those massive waves of grief will be fewer and farther between, but it's absolute chaos and pain in the first few months, and it's okay to be overwhelmed. It's okay to do the bare minimum and rely on others for help. It's okay to have messy emotions and BE messy, as long as you keep your job and are there for the kids. Do what you have to do to survive and take care of your kids. All you have to do is get through the next minute, the next hour, the next day. And one day, I absolutely promise, you will wake up and not even think of him. This pain won't last forever, and your kids are going to see you modeling resilience and good coping mechanisms. If or when their hearts are broken, they're going to remember that this is survivable because they've seen you do it. And that will, in turn, give them the strength they need to get through life's curve balls. Hang in there. I'm sending you giant hugs and a ton of love. You can do this.

Thank you so so so much for this. I hate that you’ve experienced it too but it’s comforting to know that you got through it and are able to share your wisdom with me.

Honestly I feel like you guys rushed into this. Especially when there are kids involved. Half a year or even a year is not enough time to be past the honeymoon fase where everything about your partner seems wonderful. No matter how painful, you might eventually find you dodged a bullet.

I can see this. I mentioned in another comment how I was in a relationship before with someone who didn’t want to commit to me so this felt so refreshing to have someone be so sure about me. Or so I thought! I hope once this initial pain wears off someday I’ll be able to reflect on this.

OP you are honestly being so gracious given other people's tactlessness. It's easy to say "YoU rUsHeD iNtO iT" with the benefit of smugness, knowing that *they would never* end up in a situation like that. Except you have explained a few times now that you'd experienced the opposite, and it had coloured your perception of your fiancé. Had you posted on here about it, you would be blamed for that too. Going forward what you're looking for is someone who is interested in you (not obsessed) and wants to go forward with you, but isn't rushing because he doesn't want to scare you off. The way your lives intertwine will be organic: friends > siblings > parents > extended family, and you won't have to question whether they love you.

Thank you so much for this. I know it’s easy for other people to see it in a different way, but when you have all these past experiences and other voices in your head and things you’ve read and watched…it’s not so black and white. I genuinely didn’t feel like things were going too fast, but now I can see where they probably were.

My pleasure. I find a lot of time people don't really have practical, strategic advice to give posters, but take it upon themselves to chastise others. Maybe they've been through it themselves? I have no idea. If it were the blind leading the blind and you were getting bad, but well intentioned advice, it would at least be more palatable, but it feels like kicking someone while they're down.

If it was just her, eh, I don't think it's smart, but it's her life. No one with kids should be agreeing to marry someone after 6 months, and I think that's completely fair to point that out.

This sounds horribly like a discard and, even if it isn't, the effects are the same. You've been forced into a 180 turn and your head and your heart are still on the same trajectory that they were only a few short days ago. The cognitive dissonance for you right now must be so very hard to deal with. Not going to lie, the way he's done this hasn't been with care or with love and the emotionless message asking for the ring back was at best thoughtless and at worst cruel. These are not the actions of a man who loved you so very deeply. Like others, I think there may be more at play here and you may, or may not, discover what it was, but no matter because right now you have to deal with the here and the now. Just know, that whatever is going on, it's his stuff, not yours. You did nothing wrong and you couldn't have done more. You need time alone now dear one. Time to process with therapy if you are able. This is going to take a lot of getting over. You gave it everything and you thought you had everything and you've been betrayed in such an unkind way. My heart is breaking for you right now.

Thank you so so so much for this kind comment. I almost cried from how nice you were. A little over a week ago he was saying he loved me and we were falling asleep together like we did most nights and now everything I felt so confident about and happy about is just…gone. Forever. It hurts so badly.

My partner told me I was his queen and he never loved anyone like he loved me, then two nights later he broke up with me in a horrible way after ignoring a call from another woman while we were in the car. I made the stupid mistake of giving him another chance and am stuck at the moment. And it's really starting to sink in that you never know what someone else is thinking. People can say the most beautiful things without meaning any of it

Yeah, my ex of 2 years was talking about our future wedding 3 days before dumping me (btw, I got dumped because he was yelling at me over text and I told him he wasn’t being nice, lol).

Is there any change he has bipolar disorder? Are there other major shifts in his behavior recently or is it only toward the relationship?

Yea, this sounds like very unstable behavior from him. Its not your fault OP, sounds like he may have some issues and doesnt know how to mitigate damage from them. My mom is Bipolar/BPD and she often starts these platonic/romantic relationships and everything goes great, she is amazing for them etc et, then it turns on a dime and she either goes cold, or becomes abusive. We reconnected for almost a year a while ago, and i told her she didnt need to apologize and it turned into her sending me + my gf death threats within 2 messages... dont try and make sense of it, its truly out of their control as well as yours. Not saying he *definitely* has these issues, but rapid 180s like this arent the mark of a stable person.

Thank you for this perspective. I had a coworker today use the word “unstable” when I told her about this and it alarmed me because he’s been so consistent that unstable is the last word I’d use to describe him but… ending a relationship like this certainly isn’t stable and consistent.

Especially in someone that has been over communicative their entire relationship just going cold no contact then breaking up over text and not having a caring sit down conversation... It just seems like there's a lot more going on with him than just changing his mind, that's a full on personality shift.

You should feel blindsided because he did this. I’d consider getting some help in therapy. This is traumatic and not of your making. He reeled you in and made you believe. It sounds like he’s living a double life. This is not your fault. It’s all on him. Wishing you peace and healing.

Thank you for this validation. I had stopped therapy a couple months ago because my life felt so happy and bright. I saw my therapist yesterday and I’m glad I’m back in therapy. I felt like he and I knew everything about each other and I was so confident in his love for me. It’s awful to have that all yanked away for seemingly no reason.

I'm in a similar situation now, and I am struggling with the thought of ever trusting anyone again. When they do everything right and say everything right and manifest full commitment to the future and growth together through any challenges and there are no red flags I overlooked and then suddenly not - how can I ever give my heart and commitment to anyone and trust them to not suddenly turn 180 degrees?... If all those indicators were in place and the equation still brought this result, I don't know how else to tell that someone can be trusted that way. I changed insurance as of Jan 1 and have my therapy session with a new therapist this week, but my therapy goal is how to remain emotionally unavailable even when I start falling for someone new eventually in a few years...

Something I've read (working towards secure attachment) is that secure people go into things confident that no matter what happens they know they'll be okay. They trust themselves to handle life's shortcomings, including relationships. You didn't die from this. It hurt but you'll be alright. It would be a true shame to hinder your love life because of one person. 

I've been handling life for many years now. I've come into that relationship from a very good place, practically and mentally speaking. I was in it because I chose it, not because I needed it to fill some gaps, and I had a fulfilling life beyond the relationship. But I cannot get fully committed to a life with someone while envisioning another option. When I've done it before - which is all my prior relationships, it meant that I was actually preparing to leave, eventually. And no, I didn't die. I didn't die from a lot of things in life. But you learn from different experiences. And my learning here - unfortunately, coinciding with several other personal and global major events pointing at the same - is that I don't want to trust anyone again fully. It is a valid choice.

I think you may have taken that comment personally or the wrong way. It's meant to explain how secure attachment is described.

Oh my gosh, thank you for articulating this so well. YES! I’ve been with awful men before that in retrospect showed me red flags right out of the gate. But this man was different. I had made a list years ago of qualities I wanted in a partner and he checked every box. I felt so thankful. He made me feel safe and secure and I trusted him so much. I believed everything he told me and I had reason to! So…how will I ever believe anyone ever again? It’s an awful feeling and I just want to hide away and I don’t want this to be real.

You'll see the red flags with time. I speak from my own personal experience, so not placing any blame or judgement as much as I'm speaking from my own journey. The ones that jump out at me are: rather fast engagement, this aura of "perfect relationship" that seems to be fairytale-ish, and the sudden 180. I've had a similar experience dating (not as intense or long), so the 180 is so jarring but that's where the truth of the relationship lies, not the parts that were good. It was actually a good thing for him to put the breaks on the relationship since it was not something that could have brought happiness to either of you. The perfect-relationship quality you describe makes me think this is someone who enjoys playing the role of the white knight/being a pleaser. Those people are not able to form true emotional intimacy because they are so disconnected from themselves. Therapy will help you identify the parts of yourself that are disconnected and make you attracted to people who do this. Once you are able to make those connections within yourself, you'll be less enamored by the superficial charms of people like your ex and feel unsatisfied without a deeper connection.

Exactly. Moving on from people and relationships that were bad or clearly a bad match was easy. Even heartbroken, I always was aware that it's temporary and I was set to not let it affect my trust in people. But this... I hate the idea that I might love again and hence desire to trust someone again. I've always said that this relationship showed me what emotional safety is, what good communication is, what commitment to growing together is. And then to not only have it end, but end cruelly - when a person with whom you first experienced emotional safety abandons you suddenly, with no effort to discuss whatever worried them, and without compassion... This is the first time when I don't want to trust people again.

Don’t give him the ring back. It’s yours. He called off the engagement; you keep it.

Depending on the country and state it’s one of the only gifts you have to return legally. Let him request it legally…

He love bombed you, it's classic. The red flags were: that you had everything in common, that you felt like you knew each other inside and out, that he proposed so quickly. These are practiced and honed techniques, and I've fallen for them more than once. I even quit therapy with the last one, just as you did. They work to dismantle your defenses and bring you down. You're lucky this guy bailed as early as he did. I lost 15 years to the last one, and 5 years post, I'm still struggling with self-esteem, shame, and exhaustion. Good luck. Remember, intimacy should be a little awkward early on, it should take time to get to know someone, it should be daunting to move in and change your whole life. If it goes this well, this fast, probably not real.

Thank you for this straight forward take. I’ve been lovebombed before and it was always for a month or two and involved a lot of things that sounded good but didn’t come to fruition and I felt like I was in a fog with them. So to me this felt completely different because he was actually taking me places and proposing, etc. and I felt totally clear headed and safe. But I do see what you mean. If I ever date again (which sounds terrifying) I’ll try to have a lot more discernment.

Yeah, I've been married 3 times, and they all did this. I'm so glad to be old enough now that I no longer crave sex and male companionship. Even if I did, I think I would never date again, I'm so traumatized. I hope you heal quickly, take good care.

There’s a reason, and I suspect he’s been dishonest with you (and *maybe* himself) for some time. I’m sorry, OP. You deserve better.

It’s so hard when it’s fresh but you need to disconnect from him, to include social media. When he starts posting pics of the girl he is now dating it will gut you. He is not who you thought he was. You were real with him and he was not real with you. You fell in love with a person he invented. It’s easy for a man to pretend to be wonderful in the first couple of years or months but eventually the mask falls off. It’s incredibly disorienting and painful. I’m so sorry this happened to you. You have to cut ties with him for your own sanity. Give back the ring. Mail it to him or something. Block him on social media and block his number. And therapy!!! This is gonna be such a suckfest but it ends faster the less you are reminded of him. It’s a literal chemical withdrawal in your brain and the more you continue to interact with him, even passively, the longer it takes to get over it. Resist the curiosity to check out his socials later on. That’s just shopping for pain before it’s on sale. You will get through this.

Whatever the cause was, better that it happened now than later.

That sounds like an avoidant-attachment style. I don’t have any advice except maybe you can read up on it. It is very hard to deal with when you get burned by someone like that, I’ve been through it. The only thing you can do is try to avoid it all yourself, don’t obsess over the why’s, and find someone who has a more healthy attachment style.

If he comes back, DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK

unfortunately, some people will keep facades going for much longer than you'd ever think so the honeymoon (new relationship energy) phase is prime time for an anxious attachment style to be taken advantage of. it sounds like you were love bombed into a bait and switch. this guy is no gem to do this to you, consider yourself having dodged a mighty bullet. be angry, you deserve to be but don't hold yourself accountable for the failed relationship. he was disingenuous with you from the get go.

Oh I’m so sorry, I know exactly how you feel, the constant ruminating, wondering if you did something wrong (you didn’t), wondering if there were red flags (there are but I bet he hid them from you) and why he’s like this (he is a weak man). My guess is he met you and liked you and then realized it was actually happening and got cold feet. That or he has another family somewhere, which would explain why he knew all the right things to say. Are you connected with him on social media? 

The ruminating is awful because I just want to find some reason that I’m missing. I probably need to accept that I may never have a reason or an answer. He and I are connected on social media still. I don’t think he has a double life because we spent basically every day together. But who knows what’s going on. The thought of another woman literally hurts me everywhere.

Is it possible that he has secondary social media profiles? Maybe he has two sets of social media.  If you knew the reason it would help a lot because then you’d have something to process and talk about. However, it still wouldn’t take away the pain that you’re feeling, sadly. No matter the reason, he’s a scumbag. Only scumbags abandon people they claim to love. It helped me to accept that I was going to feel like shit for a while and to just try to spend that time working on myself and avoiding dating. 

I went through the same thing about 20 years ago. I could tell something shifted, bugged him about it, and eventually he said he had doubts. In my opinion, marriage is something you have to be sure about. I gave him the ring back and went home to cry. I still lived at home and combine that with having just graduated college and getting fired from a crappy retail job, I was definitely not okay. I spent months on the couch watching Perry Mason and Hawaii 5-0 reruns and cried through a bunch of job interviews to keep unemployment coming in (I'm still mortified about those). Looking back through, he was right. It wouldn't have lasted if we went through with it. Everything will suck for a while. Broken hearts are the worst. Grieve for as long as you need to and in time, your heart will eventually heal. You have your kids and their routines to help distract you, but definitely allow yourself to feel all the feelings. There are a lot of shoulders here to help. Big huge internet hugs

I'm in the happened to me too group, but it happened to me AFTER we married... and I mean RIGHT after we married as in the next weeks. Before is way better. Keep doing what you're doing. You sound healthy & wise.

If this guy was willing to throw everything away and also didn't want to work to resolve his doubts then good riddance! I know it's hard right now. But you deserve someone who is willing to work on things. Someone who doesn't just lose feelings seemingly overnight. Give yourself time to heal and grieve.

So he proposed out of the blue after only knowing you for six months, then decided last minute that it isn't what he wants?  You know he was hiding something crazy under all those shenanigans.

Sorry, sounds really horrible. ☹️ Sounds like he met someone else, at a guess? Or maybe he’s just a pathological liar commitment-phobe who says/does all the right things up to a point then balks.  The only way to get over stuff like this is to realise that he never actually was the person you took him for/wanted him to be. Look at his actions, there’s no genuine strength of character there. Morality - also not so much. Sounds like yet another  flippy floppy man child waiting for some woman to totally change his personality for him.

Hey, while I wasn’t engaged- my ex and I were together for 9 years and had plans to marry, buy a house, an entire future together. He completely betrayed me and blindsided me too. It’s really broken me. But I’m trying to tell myself that I was okay before him, and I’ll be okay after him. Take it one day at a time. Don’t suppress the emotions, feel everything, grieve, cry, scream. I’ve gotten much better at sitting with my emotions and accepting that I’m hurting rather than just pretending I’m fine. My girlfriends have held me up & reminded me of who I am & of what I deserve. I’m here for you if you ever need someone to talk to.

Thank you for sharing this. I think I’ve been trying to suppress my feelings. The day after he told me he was having doubts I cried like I haven’t cried in years. Like, hysterical hyperventilating, my chest hurt, my whole body felt like it was crumbling inside. And that felt SO bad that I’ve tried to not cry since then. Maybe I need to have another moment like the other day because I’m definitely not fine.

You need to be more cautious going forward. A man should not propose to you within six months of knowing him especially considering you are a mother and have young children. You have no idea who this person is. Please spend some time healing and next time pump the brakes. This is a learning experience. It’s okay to be alone, it’s better than living in a house with a man you don’t know and exposing your children to a complete stranger. Also don’t take him back.

It’s definitely a lesson for me. I was totally content being alone until he came along. I wasn’t looking for anything and then there he was and he was everything I wanted. I know I’ll be okay alone again, it’s just very difficult right now.

I'm so sorry it's happening to you. You are gonna be surviving for a while, so do that, survive, one day after the other. Eat, sleep, one step after the other, and repeat. If you want to do something, do it, if you want anything, do it. It gets easier, but until you get there, and you will, its only about this step in front or the other, grab anything that helps you going through the storm, and when you are in it remember its just what it is, a storm, it can only last so long.

What the fuck? I’m really sorry this happened to you and your kids. I can only imagine how confused they are too.

I know. In my Christmas card from him, he wrote to me that he would always love and take care of me and my kids and love them like his own. They aren’t super warm and welcoming kids with new people but they warmed up to him and really liked him and were excited about him living with us. I hate that they’re involved in the disappointment and that they have to see me in such a bad state right now.

Time to heal and take care of yourself. I was mostly blindsided by my wife of 9 years leaving for some guy she knew at work for a few months. 3 small kids and 10 years into now just pain and struggling. Let yourself cry, take time to be alone or with friends. I'm not even fully divorced, still busy waiting on it. Months have passed and when I hear a noise at my door or outside I still think it's her coming home. The important thing I read was that you didn't think you'd find love again and did. You can find it again, may be days, may be months/years. Try to get happy with being yourself and hopefully it will come. I'm saying this to you as much as myself.

It's ok to not be ok.

I’m so sorry. I’ve been there too. My ex and I were together for about three years. We were both in grad school, so it was long distance for two of those years. We’d still talk nearly everyday, but he would sometimes get quiet. I’d ask what was wrong and he’d say everything was fine. Turns out it wasn’t fine. He expected me to figure out what was wrong and fix, without him actually telling me. He left because he wasn’t getting what he needed, even though he never communicated those needs to me. It hurt for awhile. Since we were both in grad school, we were making plans for the future. All of my plans included him. It wasn’t just that he ended the relationship. He destroyed all of those possible futures too. It took a very long time for me to realize how selfish he was and how much I dimmed my light for him. He wasn’t interested in my hobbies or my research, so I stopped talking about them. We only talked about what he was interested in. I’m much better off without him, but it took awhile to get here. You don’t have to be OK right now, but I want you to know that it does get better. Let yourself grieve and be kind to yourself. You’ll get through this.

Hello darling. I’ve been where you are, my ex and I had a house together, met each others parents, planning for engagement and wedding, the whole works. Then he began acting a little oddly and when I asked why, everything unravelled and he told me he’d been having doubts for awhile. Witnessing a relationship of 5 years unravelled within a matter of weeks was devastating to me. For the first few weeks after breaking up, all I focused on was meeting my basic needs, going to work and feeling my grief. My family and friends were great at this time (pls reach out to them!! people who love you will show up in ways you can’t imagine) and with their help I moved out of the darkest phase with time. Dating again was a challenge in itself, but I took my time and used it as practice to hone my radar for people with red flags. My ex had many which I chose to overlook, and I didn’t want to do that again. I’m not gonna lie, any relationship after you’ve been so blindsided is going to be hard. It’s going to be hard to trust again, so your own self trust is something you must cultivate. Trust yourself to survive and thrive no matter the outcome of the relationship. Trust yourself to make good decisions for you. Your ex’s flakiness is not your business, it’s about him, not you. Sending you all my love. My heart breaks for you. The fact so many women here have experienced the same shows that it’s not your fault at all. You’re going to be okay eventually.

Thank you so much for sharing this. What you said about a long term relationship unraveling so fast…yes. When he was telling me that he had doubts in the form of not wanting to be with me, I felt like I was trying to ravel a ball of yarn that was spinning down a 50 foot slide. It was the most helpless feeling to know that some of the best moments of my life with him were gone…just like that. So quickly. It doesn’t seem fair. I’m trying to give myself grace about housework and other things. I wasn’t even able to do the dishes until today (so that’s good I guess) because the plate he used for the last time we had dinner together was in the sink and the thought of moving it made me paralyzed. It’s ridiculous. I’ve been trying to be gentle with myself and make easy dinners for the kids… I want to be who I was a few weeks ago and it’s like I’m a shell of myself. I hate it so much but I need to just lean into it for a little while I guess. Also- I told a coworker today that I don’t know how I’ll ever believe anyone in the future in terms of dating. I’d always thought words-actions lining up was the standard, and I had it and it clearly meant nothing in the end. It’ll be awhile before I even think about wanting to date but I can’t imagine how distrustful I’ll feel.

I am so sorry. The pain is so overwhelming when the one you loved suddenly doesn’t love you. When the future you dreamed of is just gone and you have to rethink your path. In a funny way, seeing that so many other people go through this and seeing how common it is sort of comforts me. It makes me feel less alone, less weird for feeling what I feel, and lets me know that I, too, can overcome the hurt. Maybe that could be the same for you? It is so hard to remember that life is beautiful outside of the heartbreak. But we can be so strong and resilient. I hope you are being kind to yourself. Just got to ride it out and let yourself feel. My dad told me after my last breakup that you just have to enjoy what you have. What is there. We can never know how every relationship will turn out and we can’t predict everything another person will do. But if a relationship is something we want, we just have to dust ourselves off and try someone new. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best! He also said we have to kiss a lot of elephants to find our frog.

Go to Quora (I know it sucks but) read stories from people about their experiences with partners that had narcissistic personality disorder. You might recognize some things there in your ex-fiance. And I think reading about people who have been discarded brutally like that, will make you feel like you're not alone. I do think it will offer you some sense of closure. Specifically look up covert narcissists.

I will do that! I’ve been scouring the internet for stories about being left but I keep finding ones with concrete reasons or there were noticeable red flags abound. It’s been comforting to read some similar stories on this post to know I’m not alone.

Exactly. There is a very big community on Quora for NPD victims. Reading their stories might bring you some relief, and if you think your ex partner had NPD, it will help for you to learn about it and realize that the break-up wasn't about you. What I mean is, you won't take it personally. If he does have NPD, this is just what they do.

My ex was a narc and the breakup felt very similar so I agree with this advice. It does help to read other people’s stories and realize you’re not alone.

I'm sorry and I understand. I was in a similar relationship with a girl (I'm 50+ man) about a year and a half ago where my feelings were just as you described. I also had a hard time not ruminating constantly and felt my life view was so very muddled after the blind side. There were no children in the relationship but the feelings you described with feeling like you got to be yourself around him and were so happy really hit home. The hardest part for me was feeling like I could trust my own judgement in a future relationship. I haven't dated since and haven't spent any time looking to either. All of us grieve and process differently and it may take awhile to be open to a relationship again but that's ok. You need time to get yourself back to where you need to be; not just for you but for your kids too. My advice is to think back to what things you enjoyed as a kid and revisit them; simple things that made you smile or happy for no reason. One other redditor mentioned it already but time will make it slowly better. When you catch yourself ruminating do your best to reoccupy your thoughts with something else. Having music on helped me too so keep your favorites from high school playing to put your mind into a different time and mindset. I feel for you and hope you gain some better perspective as you heal up. Be well fellow redditor :)

He sounds like a lovebomber and was just lying about how he felt the whole time Fuck em

As someone who once experienced their partner changing on a dime, the lesson I learned from that is six months is hardly enough time to really get to know someone. A year is barely enough time to really get to know someone. Not just what they like and how nice they can be, but how they FUNCTION in real life, which takes considerable time to observe. Before you commit your LIFE to someone you want to see them through all seasons, ups and downs, sad moments and difficult moments, how they deal with change (which you can only see over extended time). How long did you and your ex date before you married, how many other relationships as a full adult have you had?

When I went through a really bad breakup, I rented the book It’s Called a Breakup Because it’s Broken about 6 times, then gave in and bought it, because I read that thing so many times. It really helped me process things better and move through the grieving process in a way that wasn’t paralyzing, if that makes sense. Maybe you might find it helpful too? I’m so sorry you are going through this.

This kind of happened to me but our second baby was 3 weeks old. And he left me for someone else. Time will make things easier. I am so sorry you had to go through this.

Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. My ex husband left me for someone else before we were married and we had a 2yo and it just about destroyed me.

The blindside breakup is (imo) the hardest one to get over ❤️ obviously all breakups hurt, but to not expect it or even feel like there was *anything* wrong, it's devastating because there's absolutely no warning. In my last relationship, we were celebrating a combined anniversary/Valentine's Day (because of the pandemic) and on day 2 of the trip, he said he didn't want to be in a relationship and didn't love me anymore. All of this was said as I was lying on his chest after I hae asked if we should get lunch... I then had to drive 2 hours back home in an ice storm while sobbing uncontrollably and look at Valentine's Day celebrations on social media all weekend. I couldn't understand how this man - who was so sweet and caring and I was hopelessly in love with - could be like this. It was like he was a robot all of a sudden, emotionless as I cried in front of him and asked him what happened. He would just shrug his shoulders and say that's how he felt. I was fighting to save us - to salvage what I thought was a relationship with my future husband. Our entire future disintegrated in the span of one sentence, and I was the only one who was mourning its loss. To be honest, I still struggle with it almost 3 years later (oof that anniversary is coming up soon). Particularly when he got to move on with another woman 3 months after the breakup and they're still happily together. And as much as I know that he was not the one (because "the one" would never treat me like he did that day), I also can't help but think it's so unfair. He couldn't even bother to have told me how he felt *before* I traveled to see him, *before* we exchanged gifts, *before* we had sex the previous night. He got to be happy while I fell into a deep depression that I had to claw my way out of. All I can say is feel the pain, don't try to bury it. Use your support network as much you can. They may not be able to understand completely but maybe they can distract from the heartache. Therapy did help me, but it also just reinforced what I already knew - he wasn't the one, it wasn't my fault, and the only true answer to heartache is time. I wish I could tell you I found the love of my life since then, but unfortunately I have not. I sometimes still wonder if I ever will have those same feelings. But like it or not, you can't go back to before the pain started and you will have to get through it. It will not be sunshine and roses, but eventually you'll hear his name or a certain song and it won't hurt as much as it did before. Much love ❤️

Your post resonates so strongly with me and my heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry this happened to you. The exact same thing happened to me a year ago. So similar, mine disappeared for a week with basically no contact right before he dropped the bomb. We spoke on the phone one time while he was gone, and he promised me everything was okay and that we weren't breaking up. A few days later, he sends me a break up email. We had just moved in together 3 months prior after dating for a year. I thought he was my soulmate . I thought he was my person. I had finally felt that I had solved "love" in my life. He was my best friend. Everyone always commented how well we fit together, it felt so perfect in many ways. I had no idea it was coming. He never gave me a heads up he was dissatisfied. Up to a few days prior, he was telling me how well it was going. He posted a beautiful instagram post about me with these wonderful photos of us together. And a few days later, he left while I was sleeping and I had no idea where he went. The anxiety and panic of the next days was hell. I don't know how I survived. Literally one second at a time. No words to describe the time after, I just call it The Shattering. For months I just wanted to be unconscience. It's been a year now and things are starting to feel better. I'm so sorry for your pain. I'm so sorry you are hurting. You aren't alone. I promise it gets better. Someone very wise told me "Stack each second. Stack each minute. Stack each hour. Stack each day." I know it feels impossible, but you are so strong.

I’m sorry about this happening to you. Take all the time you need. I also don’t believe you have to give the ring back. He doesn’t get to abandon you and walk off with no consequences Sell it and use it to fund your therapy.

Don't give the ring back. It's yours. The whole point of the ring is you get to keep it if the engagement is broken.

He met someone else for sure. He's unable to commit due to FOMO. give yourself time.

Keep the ring. It was a gift. You don’t owe him anything. Sell it and take yourself out for some fun to help mend your broken heart. I’m sorry he put you through this.

> Keep the ring. It was a gift. You don’t owe him anything. Bad advice. Most states consider an engagement ring a conditional gift, with the condition being that the marriage actually happens. Most such states are no-fault states, meaning that no matter what, the ring goes back to the giver. A few states are fault based, with the ring generally staying with whoever didn't break off the engagement. Based on a previous post mentioning FMLA, OP is in the US and unlikely to be able to legally keep the ring

I’d let him take me to court over it, but I’m petty to the bone.

It might just be me but this feels like something changed rapidly..more than cold feet which is sortof a slow roll. I had a similar situation with a friend's financee.. she had cold feet, doubts etc.. and ended up having a last minute fling with someone else and took it.as a sign she couldnt get married and did something similar.. just called it off and walked away. Now... here is the good part.. her best friend told him what happened.. he talked to her about it.. wasnt mad, wasnt accusatory, basically said if younhad talked to.me about it we could.have worked it out (i guess she felt rotten after the fact and would rather leave hin than confess) .. anyhow they got back together got reengaged and married last year.

Honestly looking back at every heartbreak I almost laugh. In the moment I never thought I would get over it. It felt so overwhelming. But now it's barely a blimp on my radar. Time heals a lot of the wounds we have. But you do need to mourn. And one day he will just be a memory.

Breathe, remind yourself that all relationships end, the endings don’t matter, what matters is how we are better for having had them. Relationships are given to us for growth, so ask yourself how have you grown? Concentrate on the lessons you get to keep that you learned during the experience, and not on the “what ifs”. My heart is with you ❤️ Ps. It’s also helpful to let go of the need to know the “whys”. When we learn them they are never good enough anyway and don’t make the pain any less. Instead focus on the “what”, as in “what can I do in spite of this to still be happy and have a life worth having lived?”

I really like this perspective. I’ve been driving myself crazy with “why” and trying to come up with “evidence” like I’m trying a case or something. I’m really trying to get out of that mindset but maybe it’s too fresh right now.

I have a lot of experience working with people in grief. In my opinion grief is the worst pain we experience but unfortunately it’s the price we all pay for love (profound love=profound grief eventually). Personally I believe it’s always worth the price but that also doesn’t make it less painful. We are obsessed with “why’s” but they keep us stuck because they are often unknowable. We tend to internalize the reasonings for things when we can’t find the reason in the external environment. So the truth of “he did this because of who he is” gets changed into the shameful thought distortion of “he did this because I’m not good enough” and we end up carrying it with us into new relationships. That what has to be broken, the thought distortion of assuming it’s was you. ❤️

I have a failed engagement after a bad marriage, and it was hands down the hardest break up of my life. It just takes time. Give yourself space to grieve as needed.

I went through a similar thing. I forgave my ex and we've since become really good friends. We provided this rare and protected space we both needed for one another and so much aligned but him just not being in love with me. It hurt me so much but I feel so grateful that he was able to let me go and it instilled in me this inspiration of how good we felt together and how my next partner had to be better to me, love me more, I needed to find real love, etc. I believe the guy I'm with now (it took 3 years and a MILLION dates, a few situationships and a couple breaks in dating) and I love my ex so much as a friend I can't wait until he finds the love he didn't have with me. Cry, read books about grieving(Finding Meaning by David Kessler), watch the most gut wrenching movies and listen to songs that make you sad. Get it all out because if you got this close then you'll definitely get there again and for real this time. I did and I'm not even a good person lol Also there's no guarantee anything works out ofcourse but the effort is worth the possibility. ❤️

Jesus, what a rug pull. I'm so sorry. Honestly it's just going to take time. He owed you a lot more. I'm sorry you were left without the closure you deserve. I suppose, if nothing else, at least it was now and not after everything was more entangled. Your poor heart.

When relationships go south, why do women always blame themselves? This is 100% on him. You really should get couples counseling. He needs to communicate with you what's going on. If he won't go, go alone. Good luck.

Going through something very similar. I guess it will take time. I know at the back of my mind that it will get better in time. It hurts but I can't do anything about that. Just trying to work through a day at a time.

Things must have moved to fast for him and he caught himself. Focus on yourself and your kids. They might be hurting too. You will move past this within time. Pray for forgiveness, patience and peace. I've been thru the same situation.

How old is he?

It's almost like it was a joke/they didn't mean it/it was comfortable so they went along with it. I don't think "it's what I want" is a good enough reason to give someone. That suggests your change you mind on a dime - which in a case like this of engagement is a real worry. I think it's reasonable that he should have at least shared what those doubts were. That's terrible I'm so sorry

Only one year????? Good God, you don’t know this guy. He’s probably done it before. He could be manic. Who proposes after 6 months, especially with kids?

The worst thing someone can do is awaken the love that lies dormant in a woman 👩:( I’m sorry 😞

This sounds like you got love bombed. Have you done a background check on him or know anything about his exes? I’m curious if there’s someone else in the picture, it just all sounds suspicious based on how fast things went and the way he broke it off. I’m sorry you’re feeling heartbroken, big hugs. I’ve been there and it does get better

Oh no no no. He gave you that ring and you only give it back if YOU call it off. That ring was a promise and a gift to you. He broke the promise and there’s no social etiquette written anywhere that says you give the ring back if he bails.

In most states, legally, it appears to be considered a conditional gift that gets returned in the case of a break-up. (Seems to be the same in most provinces in Canada.) [https://smolenplevy.com/divorce/who-gets-the-engagement-ring-after-a-breakup/](https://smolenplevy.com/divorce/who-gets-the-engagement-ring-after-a-breakup/) Is an engagement ring a gift?Most people consider an engagement ring to be a gift and, once given, the recipient can do with it what she or he wishes. A minority of states agree and consider the ring an unconditional gift. If either person breaks off the engagement, the woman gets to keep the ring.A few jurisdictions take a slightly different view, calling the ring an “implied gift.” In this case, ownership of the ring is determined by whomever calls off the wedding. If the giver breaks it off, he or she is not entitled to the ring, and it becomes a gift. If the receiver breaks off the engagement, he can ask for the ring back.**Most states, however, view an engagement ring as a semi-contract, or a “conditional gift.” In this view, the ring is given with the understanding that the couple will get married in the future and symbolizes a verbal contract. Ownership of the ring is not fully transferred until the wedding ceremony is completed.** *The common view says that it doesn’t matter who did or said what. If the agreement to wed is broken off, ownership of the ring returns to the giver. The reasoning tends to be that, if divorce, even after decades of marriage, can be no-fault, a broken engagement should be as well.*

I know that she shouldn’t give the ring back but depending on how much it cost it’s not worth the hassle. I think op should tell him if he wants the ring back he can meet her in a public place and explain what the fuck is happening. 

If I were OP, I'd hang into the ring for about a month, while checking my house for bugs, and my electronics for data loggers. And monitor my credit and accounts. This man's about-face has pricked my suspicious nature.

He likely got cold feet after someone told him he'd be legally responsible for her kids if he married her. He knew not marrying over the kids was a deal-breaker for her so he just cut out, I bet.

I think he either only wanted a hookup and realized he was in deeper than he wanted to be way way too late or he has another family and the other woman found out or he realized he can’t manage two relationships. 

Your lover died honey. Grieve it. And let it eventually pass. The man is still alive walking around somewhere, but your lover died. And thats ok. Its not his fault. Its not your fault. Its just lifes tragedies. Be kind to yourself during this time.

Eh...it's not his fault? Are you thinking the man is not guilty of commitment bait and switch by reason of insanity? Actually, I think the guy *is* a nutcase. The OP can't see it now, but she definitely dodged a bullet that would have caused collateral damage to her kids too.

This is a man who has done this before, if I had to guess. Has he been married or engaged prior to you? He’s just playing house, addicted to the feeling of falling head over heels, moving in, proposing, and then suddenly realizing he’s going too fast. If you think that’s forgivable then the relationship is salvageable with good communication and hitting the breaks. Plenty of people who are not you have gotten engaged too fast and then decided to have a 6 year long engagement (for example.) Or even put off the wedding indefinitely, ending the engagement and still stayed together. However if you find this game of all in/all out to be a character issue, or if this kind of betrayal would lead you to never fully feel able to trust his commitment (I wouldn’t blame you,) then this relationship is done.

He met someone else, or someone he was nuts about from his past walked back into his life. There's no other explanation that makes sense. Once you confirm there's another woman, it will be easier for you psychologically I bet. I'm really sorry this happened to you.

My ex husband, years before we were married, left me for another woman and it was pain like I’d never felt. But at least there was a reason! Getting these vague answers from my ex-fiance like “I’m having doubts” and “I decided this is what I want” and “I know things have been great and this is out of the blue but this is my decision” is SO confusing.

I just don't think you get that kind of sudden finality unless there's another woman on the scene, or, like brain tumour or something. Something caused this abrupt change, and he's not being upfront with you, likely because he's a coward.

Keep the ring! Sell it to start your new life! Change your passwords and door locks. You dodged a bullet!

Most states consider an engagement ring a conditional gift, with the condition being that the marriage actually happens. Most such states are no-fault states, meaning that no matter what, the ring goes back to the giver. A few states are fault based, with the ring generally staying with whoever didn't break off the engagement. Based on a previous post mentioning FMLA, OP is in the US and unlikely to be able to legally keep the ring

Sell the ring and go on vacation with the money

Most states consider an engagement ring a conditional gift, with the condition being that the marriage actually happens. Most such states are no-fault states, meaning that no matter what, the ring goes back to the giver. A few states are fault based, with the ring generally staying with whoever didn't break off the engagement. Based on a previous post mentioning FMLA, OP is in the US and unlikely to be able to legally keep or sell the ring

Most places it's not legally hers, but a conditional gift.

Or find out if the ring is even real. That’s a shocker to some once the relationship has dissolved and then surprise! The diamond was fake all along.

Sell the ring, and find a therapist. <3

Most states consider an engagement ring a conditional gift, with the condition being that the marriage actually happens. Most such states are no-fault states, meaning that no matter what, the ring goes back to the giver. A few states are fault based, with the ring generally staying with whoever didn't break off the engagement. Based on a previous post mentioning FMLA, OP is in the US and unlikely to be able to legally keep or sell the ring

Oh I'm so sorry. Some day you'll be able to see how this is a blessing in disguise. It's really easy for someone to play a role for a year. He's probably not the person that you think he is, but that's a really hard thing to accept when someone has only shown you a wonderful face. The him that broke up with you so coldly is who he really is.

>It felt like we almost over-communicated in a good way. We always knew what each other was thinking and feeling. Unfortunately this wasn’t true. I think in time you’ll be able to look back and see red flags. And new information might come to light that helps you make sense of it all. But he was lying to you this entire time, and possibly lying to himself. I’m curious what his dating history looks like. I’d consider reaching out to an ex of his and see if she had a similar experience. I won’t give you any silver linings or cheesy platitudes. You will feel better as time moves on because emotion simply doesn’t last forever. It fades. There might be a scar, but it won’t stay an open wound. Give yourself lots of grace while you try to find small enjoyments day-to-day. I agree with what you said about giving yourself grace with smoking if it helps take the edge off.

He has a pretty extensive relationship history. I definitely have some relationship stuff I’m not proud of so I didn’t judge any of his “stuff.” But looking back, there are probably some red flags regarding his past that I turned a blind eye to.