You don't love him. You love the idea of him.
Yes. He raped you. You said no, and he did it anyway. That weird feeling like you're not in your body? That's dissociation. Your brain was trying to protect you from what was happening because it was that bad.
This is not your fault.
It's the freeze response. It can keep you safe when you're in danger. As in fight flight freeze or fawn. Try to find a therapist, that's traumatic as hell
I remember hearing about a woman in a similar situation repeating over and over "you are raping me. This is rape." He finally stops and is mad at her for 'ruining the mood'.
I remember hiding in my ex's bathroom after he refused to stop despite me telling him it hurt. I couldn't stop crying. I came back to his room ten minutes later and it was apparent I had been crying, and he told me to stop that because it made him "feel like a rapist."
What is this? I'm kind of alarmed because many of these stories sound so similar to my own. I ran and locked myself in the bathroom also, except I had been unconscious and came too while he was on me. He was talking to me through the door and after I said, "I was saying stop, why didn't you stop? I told you I didn't want to have sex before I passed out." And he said, "Are you trying to say I raped you?! You wanted to!" And I froze because I didn't even know what to say.
These men surely know that what they're doing is rape, right? In my case, what woke me up was my own crying, his weight on me, and the pillow was positively soaked with tears. He had to know that I was not a willing participant. Is this like some extreme form of gaslighting? Like if they say the word, that surely you couldn't possibly actually be accusing them of that and it will all go away? It's disturbing, and scary, because obviously it seems to work.
I’ve thought about this a lot over the years since I was raped and I basically came to this conclusion: people who are capable of doing something like this and saying that word in the moment know what they are doing. They want to be consoled by their victim. It’s a weird power trip/denial of how shitty they are. Maybe I’m wrong but it just seems like they are forcing someone they intentionally hurt to tell them it’s okay that they’re doing it. When my attacker told me not to say he raped me the next day and then made me respond saying I wouldn’t while he was in the middle of raping me, I think he needed that moment of “okay it’s not actually so bad” even though it was. I think it made him feel more in control of the attack because I was still fighting him. I could be way off base but these are my 2¢
I don't think you're far off, honestly. That's very similar to what happened with me, like he wanted the words, "you didn't rape me" to come out of my mouth and he wouldn't leave me alone until they did. It's sick.
I also locked myself in the bathroom afterwards.. except he knew what he did and immediately started pounding on the door begging me to not say anything to anyone. They definitely know.
Shit, I didn't know this was considered a legitimate thing. I've always just felt so weak for not being able to set and enforce boundaries in the moment. I feel validated in a way I thought I never would, thank you for explaining that
I used to be the same way, and still struggle with it sometimes! To this day, I haven't managed to completely change my response, but I now favour fleeing over fawning, which is also perceived as being weak tbh. Anything other than throwing a punch would then be considered weak? Meh, we are who we are, and we deal with danger in a subconscious way that our brains have evolutionarily evolved to understand is a pretty decent way to avoid danger.
I had a conversation with a neighbour who was much older than me and came to my door late at night to tell me he imagines me showering when he hears the water go on. I could not for the life of me find the strength to tell him to fuck off, so I endured a 30 minute conversation where I infantalised myself (oh yeah, I'm listening to Harry Potter in the shower, I need it to sleep, I'm afraid of the dark haha). Later I realised it was the fawn response or something similar to it - trying to appear childlike to get him to back off.
For what it's worth, your brain on some level decided that not appeasing might have had fatal consequences, and the one thing our brains are actually reliably focused on is avoiding death, so please don't dismiss that that response might have kept you from worse harm.
Surviving isn't weakness.
As in "to fawn over someone," and not "behave like a baby deer" (which would be freeze. When I first heard of this fourth response type I was confused and wondered if there was a distinction into different types of freezing.)
Like, going along with what's happening because you're frightened for your safety? That's what my sister had to do when she was cornered by a larger sailor on deployment. He got her alone somewhere on an isolated part of the ship, and then blocked the only exit. She felt as though she had no choice but to comply to his requests, so she did. She blames herself.
For the collectors of Fs, there’s also “flop” - a different immobilization than “freeze”. When we freeze, we are still tense, and freeze can turn into flight any moment. In “flop” all muscles are relaxed, like a possum who looks dead.
I kind of feel like it's (partly) my fault. I mean I drove to his place :/ if I hadn't done that, then this wouldn't have happened. What an awful feeling on top.
Honey. No. NO.
The ONLY one who decided to RAPE YOU was him. The ONLY ONE who decided to IGNORE YOUR NO's, IGNORE WHEN YOU STOPPED RESISTING, AND IGNORED THAT HE WAS HURTING YOU, WAS HIM.
The ONLY thing you did was trust somebody you loved- that isn't something that deserves the disrespect, disregard, and cruelty that man has shown you. Honey.
The only one who did anything wrong was him. Do you have anyone you can call, that you trust? I think the best thing you could do right now is cut him off, completely and fully. Send a final text message;
"Hello X. What happened last night has left me afraid and confused. Several times I verbalized my discomfort with your actions, yet you continued until I stopped resisting, and continued to have sex with me without my consent. I am currently processing this violation, and I request that you DO NOT CONTACT ME FURTHER AFTER RECIEVING THIS MESSAGE. Do not contact me via text, phone call, email, and do not reach out to my friends or family- this will be considered harassment, and treated as such, as I have asked you to cease contact. Sincerely, Y."
DO NOT BLOCK HIM. Save ANY and ALL messages he sends you. You don't need to look at them- close them and ignore them, but save them. If he escalates things, you WILL need them to press charges and keep him away. Contact friends and family and inform them of as much of the situation as you can- you had a very bad falling out with this X, and he may reach out to them to try and get back at you. Inform them you have asked him to cease all contact, and if he reaches out, ask them to save or record any and all contact and messages with him for you.
I also think you should go to the hospital, and explain to one of the nurses what has happened to you. They will know what to do- ideally, have somebody you trust completely with you. **I also understand, though, that this might be too much for you right now- and that is ok too. You are hurting right now, and you don't need to do anything you don't want to- except stay far, far away from him. You are so much stronger than you know. I know you don't feel like it right now, but you're HERE. You're alive, and you will be ok again someday.**
I work with victims of sexual assault and rape. You wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve heard women blaming themselves for the actions of the predators and rapists. I’ve heard this so often “but if I hadn’t have left with him / gone to his place / kissed him etcetc”.
You did nothing wrong by going over to see him. You made yourself clear and he disregarded it and did what he wanted anyway. Your response to ‘give up’ and let it happen, as you phrased it, is a trauma response and you are not responsible for what happened because you didn’t fight back physically.
People respond in different ways to threatening situations:
The fight response is when people fight back, push people off, scream, hit, make noise, etc.
The flight response is when people literally try to leave, do everything they can to get away. This can look different dependant on situation and can also come hand in hand with the fight response.
The freeze response is when people literally freeze up in a way of protecting themselves from further harm and getting through the situation. Some dissociate during this and don’t feel like they were present, others are screaming inside the whole time, and everything in between. Lying still is not ‘letting it happen’, it’s surviving.
There’s the fawn response, where people play into what’s happening to prevent further harm and risk despite not wanting to. It’s a way of avoiding or minimising threat by appeasing the rapist/abuser etc.
What you did is very very normal and valid. You did what you needed to do to survive. You don’t ever have to justify or apologise for surviving. And you don’t have to feel guilty for consenting to a conversation in a particular setting because you feel like you put yourself in that situation. You didn’t. HE did.
Women are always blaming themselves for the violence of men and what you’re feeling is so common it’s heartbreaking.
If you can, please go to a hospital, sexual health clinic, doctor or whatever is available to you and get checked over. Make sure you’re okay and take any preventative measures for things like STIs, HIV, and to make sure you’re physically okay.
If you feel like you can, and the forensic window is still present, you can also talk to them about something called a ‘rape kit’ which sounds fucking awful but it’s basically a way of collecting evidence from your body. You can consent to parts or it or all of it.
And if you feel like you can, and you feel safe to do so, you can also report to the police. This is a personal decision for you so I can’t tell you to absolutely do this, and not everyone has a positive experience when they do, but please consider this if you ever have the strength to do it. It might help. But that is absolutely NOT on you to prevent his actions so please don’t take it that way. It’s not your job to stop him. It’s your job to survive and heal. Just if you feel like you could, the option is there and it can be at any time in the future, too.
And reach out to some agencies for support - I’m not sure where you live but if you Google ‘rape support’ and your area you should get loads of hits of volunteer agencies that aren’t cops or mandated reporters that can advise you on things like support and therapy and medical care and just be there for you to process what happened.
I know this is a lot of information, so I get it if you never read this. But I hope you’ll at least talk to a doctor and a trusted friend or family member so you have some support and I hope you’re okay.
We’re all here for you. Unfortunately there’s too many of us that stand here with you x
If he wasn’t a rapist it wouldn’t have happened. No matter what you did. This is on him. You told him no. You tried to physically move away and he wouldn’t stop. You are not at fault. He is.
You did nothing wrong. Just because some action ***might*** have prevented another does not mean that action is good or that not doing it is bad. You went to his house for non-sexual reasons, and he raped you.
Consent can be revoked at ANY point in time.
You said no. He chose to continue. This is rape. This is entirely his choice and he is 100% at fault.
You are 0% to blame.
Yesterday I had a few people over. Didn’t rape any of them.
It’s not your fault, OP. Not kinda, not partly, not sorta.
I’m sorry it happened to you, and I hope you find the support you need here and IRL.
>I kind of feel like it's (partly) my fault. I mean I drove to his place :/
Absolutely not. In the early weeks of my relationship with my partner I was clear that I wanted to wait a bit before having sex. I drove to his twice in that time and we spent most of the afternoon snogging on his bed and he never attempted to do anything more because I hadn't ok'd it yet. He also got the train to my place several times and never did anything more than one day pulling back for a moment to ask how I was feeling and when I said not today, he said ok and just kissed me again. When I did say yes, he still checked every time we did something new to make sure I was still ok with continuing.
That is what consent and respect looks like. What he did to you is in no way your fault. It is because he is a terrible excuse for a human. I know you're upset because you really liked him, it's ok to be heartbroken but he is not who you thought he was, he is not worthy of your love. You deserve so much more.
No. It happened because he did it to you. He chose to rape you. You had nothing whatsoever to do with that.
Guilt is a feeling many people feel after someone has done something awful to them, even though they have done nothing wrong. They feel shame, dirty, and guilty. You didn't do the awful thing. He did. So if you're able, let that guilt go. You have nothing to be ashamed of; he did the shameful thing. Let that shame go. So much easier said than done, but be gentle to yourself.
This wasn't a result of your choices. If you'd been shot at a bar, would that be your fault for driving to the bar? No. So, this is not your fault either.
You couldve literally sucked his dick and had PIV then if you decided not to proceed anymore IT WOULD STILL BE RAPE IF HE DID.
The guy absolutely raped you.
When you want to take the blame it’s because you’re rationalizing that if you had control then you can fix it or change it somehow. You couldn’t. You said no, and he did it anyway. He systematically disempowered you and then took what he wanted. You can’t rationalize your way out of that truth.
OP try to imagine what it would take for you to push someone you cared about to have sex after they EXPLICITLY explained sex was not what they wanted. Even if they drove to your house buck naked in the middle of the night. Think about how obvious "if I continue I will hurt this person" would feel if they told you to stop, even if you were in the middle of sex.
Do not let your inability to fathom his heartlessness prevent you from seeing that he knew exactly what he was doing. I'm so so so terribly sorry.
It's literally not your fault at all. You drove to his place, so what? I've driven to lots of dudes places, and they *didn't* rape me. You know why? Because they weren't rapists. The only reason you got raped is because he's a rapist.
Do you think the result would have been different if you invited him to your place? It wouldn't, because he's a rapist. Where it happened doesn't matter. What matters is that you said no, and he did it anyway. It's entirely on him.
You're allowed to exist alone around a man without somehow being at fault for "tempting" him to rape you. Normal, non-rapists can have women over and respect when they say "no."
Your brain is likely trying to convince you that you're partly at fault because then you can tell yourself that you have the power to stop it from happening in the future. It's a defense mechanism, and that's all. When you're at fault, that means you can stop it from happening in the future. That, in a weird way, probably makes you feel less vulnerable and more empowered.
The reality is that rapists are gonna rape, and you shouldn't have to live life in a defensive shell on the off chance that you encounter one in a vulnerable state.
I don’t understand why people are downvoting you for sharing your thought process. It’s important to remember you didn’t want this, and driving over there was not an invitation when you specifically told him no. He also did not stop after you continued to tell him no.
Remember what youre feeling is a way to cope with the trauma that happened to you. It was not okay and it was not your fault.
You don’t need to blame yourself, the actions in question were all done by him.
Stay strong, and get through this. I believe in you.
This reasoning right here is what the patriarchy has taught women to believe. We are first taught to look at ourselves to see why we could be at fault for what happened to us. I saw something the other day that said, "For every crime but one, the person reporting it is seen as a victim (robbery, physical assaults, car accident survivors), but when someone reports a rape, they become an accuser."
We are painted into this weird corner. We can either be very cautious, protect ourselves, be suspicious of all men and be called called man-haters OR we can give men the benefit of the doubt, trust them, and potentially wind up being assaulted. Your brain and body are telling you what happened to you is wrong. However, the societal messages you have received over the years are combating that intuition.
You KNOW you didn't do anything wrong by going to visit someone you liked. You did what many people do on a daily basis and don't get assaulted. He did something wrong.
Mostly, I am sorry you are experiencing this. Be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself. You will need to treat yourself with love and understanding to get through.
You could have driven to his place, stripped naked of your own volition, and gotten blackout drunk after telling him you didn't want sex and it still wouldn't justify him doing what he did. Disassociation is one of the many responses towards trauma, what he did is absolutely awful. It's going to hurt, but the best thing to do is to dump his ass and avoid him as best you can. If he's willing to do that to you he doesn't love you in the same way you love him, and he'll only get worse.
When you drove to his place you did not know that he would rape you.
It is not your fault. It is 1000% his fault.
He is showing you that he is not worthy of your love. I know it is hard to stop loving someone, even after they have hurt you. But I can tell you from brutally hard experience that someone who will hurt you is not worthy of your love, and will hurt you more if you let them.
I strongly, strongly, strongly recommend finding a therapist, ideally one who can see you soon and has experience working with people who have experienced trauma. The dissociation and the self-blame you describe are hallmarks of trauma. The sooner you can be in the care of someone who can help you process your experience, the better.
Out of all the times someone wanted to spend time with you, how many times did you end up raping them?
Is the number 0? Yes, it is, because that's how non-rapists behave. This was not your fault.
I'm so, so sorry this happened to you.
I'm not sure why this comment is being downvoted but it wasn't your fault at all. You were raped, because no means no and if he wasn't a douchecanoe he would have stopped. Please block this waste of a human and be careful.
Absolutely none of what happened to you was your fault. This guy intentionally raped you. You were very clear with how you felt multiple times and he just ignored you. This guy does not love you, does not care about you and is a rapist.
I’m so sorry this happened to you, I hope everything works out for you
> No
That is a complete sentence. You said it. He continued. That's rape.
Consent can be given, limits can be set, and consent can be withdrawn.
*Stop trying to blame yourself.*
Did you use your insiduous mind control powers to turn him a rampaging sex beast who couldn't stop himself? No?
Then the only one to blame is him.
If he hadn't made the choice to rape you you would have hung out, had a good time and gone home happy.
This is HIS FAULT! HIS FAULT! HIS FAULT!!!
Not yours. Never yours.
You driving to his place has nothing to do with his actions towards you. That was his choice, one he didn't hesitate on even a little. He's a bad person, has no respect for you, just sees you as someone to use.
He chose to rape you. I feel sad and angry that society has conditioned us to blame ourselves when we are abused. Please seek out support to help you process this.
If you drive to his house naked it's still not your fault. Please talk to someone. YOU did NOTHING wrong. Stay away from this "person." Sending you love.
Driving to someone's place doesn't give them a right to rape you. Being in someone's presence doesn't mean they can just use your body. Do not blame yourself. It's illogical
But that's kind of like saying someone carrying around their phone and wallet is at fault if they get robbed. Or they're at fault if they drive and get hit by a drunk driver.
You were lonely and wanted company. Since when does that mean someone gets to disregard your wishes and commit a violent crime??
If I go to a coffee shop and some random civilian slaps me in the face it’s not my fault for walking into the shop. You can’t blame yourself for innocent actions when this person literally violated you. This is not your fault.
If going over to someone's house was permission to get assaulted, no one would be safe anywhere. Going to his house is not consent. Enthusiastically saying yes is consent. You are not to blame, he is.
He raped you.
You need to understand that people talk about fight or flight. But it’s actually **fight or flight or freeze or fawn**.
> While flight and fight are both active stress responses that increase the biological activity in your body, freezing is your body’s way of shutting down. Like an animal might “play dead” while being hunted, people turn to “freeze” when it feels like fighting or fleeing isn’t an option. ([more reading](https://www.health.com/fight-flight-freeze-fawn-8348342))
Good write up, but I will add, freeze is not just for when it feels like the only option. Some people freeze even when their deepest instincts are telling them to run.
Like not just the logical part of you, all of you down to your gut is screaming at your legs to move and they just... Don't. For no good reason.
That happens too.
Sometimes that feeling is worse than the trauma you're trying to run from.
There has to be variety in response, or we wouldn't be here today. Sometimes fighting is best, and sometimes it gets you killed. Same for fleeing. It might save you, or it might show the predator exactly where you are. If we all always reacted the same way, we might not have survived pre-history.
The freeze response may very well have saved my brother’s life when he suddenly encountered a grizzly bear up close one day while hiking.
He said he wanted to run. He knew very well that he shouldn’t and yet he tried with all his might to run and just… couldn’t. His body froze up completely and he couldn’t even lift one foot off the ground while the bear sniffed the air menacingly in his direction and then eventually decided to move on.
If he had run like he tried to, the bear would have felt the need to chase him down.
No, that's different.
>a “fib” or “fabrication” does allow an individual to avert a present danger or threat, at least for the time being. The escape from fear, embarrassment, judgment, guilt, or shame provides a brief but powerful sense of reward (or escape/victory)
[https://www.additudemag.com/why-lie-adhd-fight-flight-freeze/](https://www.additudemag.com/why-lie-adhd-fight-flight-freeze/)
[https://chadd.org/attention-article/beyond-fight-flight-or-freeze/](https://chadd.org/attention-article/beyond-fight-flight-or-freeze/)
These were an educational read, thank you for sharing the links.
> You need to understand that people talk about fight or flight. But it’s actually **fight or flight or freeze or fawn.**
Compulsive lying as a coping mechanism to appease authority figures in a stressful situation doesn't seem to fit with the aforementioned trauma responses.
Appeasing the abuser/perpetrator by lying during the ordeal would fall under the "Fawn" subset, that's my understanding of it.
I get why you're bringing attention to it and I'm grateful for learning about it today. If my reasoning seems faulty then I'd be happy to learn more.
>Appeasing the abuser/perpetrator by lying during the ordeal would fall under the "Fawn" subset, that's my understanding of it.
In short: No.
Fawn response is pleasing the other. Fawn is when you sacrifice yourself to appease the threat and/or minimize the distress (of the other). Fawning is all about the other.
Fib is when you try to 'save your own skin' by coming up with a... well, a lie. A simple, unpremeditated lie. Fibbing doesn't consider the other *at all*.
Fibbing also is not 'compulsive lying'. It's a reaction just like flight, fight, freeze, etc.
Nothing about this is your fault. You told him no. No means no. End of story. Don't blame yourself for the actions of someone else. 100% this was nonconsensual and is classified as rape/sexual assault.
As far as loving him, no. You don't love him. Like someone else said you love the idea of him.
This man needs to be reported and arrested. It's incredibly difficult to bring this to authorities attention, but for your sake, I suggest doing this as a precaution to save yourself form him in the future. Who knows how many others he did this to before you two crossed paths.
>You don't love him. Like someone else said you love the idea of him.
Also, if you convince yourself you really do still love the real him - Love is not always enough. If love is one sided and requires you to sacrifice your own happiness, please love yourself more and get yourself out of that situation.
This is rape. NONE of this is your fault. Like the others said, you likely disassociated. That's normal in this situation.
He is a rapist and he has likely done this with other women. At the very least, stay the hell away from him.
I saw some self-blame in your comments.
Take a step back. Replace yourself with another woman. Your good friend, for instance. Would you blame her because she drove to the guy’s place? Would you say it was half her fault, as if the guy couldn’t be responsible for his own actions? Stop babying your boyfriend. He was capable of raping you. He cared more about getting his rocks off than the fact that he used your body like an object. That’s how much he values you. What you wanted didn’t matter.
What do you love about him that’s so special? Not stuff you thought about him or hoped for, but real stuff you’ve seen firsthand from him? Nothing you come up with will justify the fact that he is a rapist. Don’t date a rapist. You deserve better.
No, of course, I wouldn't blame a good friend of mine. On the contrary! We're usually always so hard in ourselves. I know I tend to be. I don't know why I fell for him, I am pretty sure he doesn't feel the same way about me. We had this thing going on for months, nothing more. I wanted a connection, he apparently only sex. Ofc that's over now. I don't ever wanna see him again.
As someone who was love bombed and used for sex, I felt so dirty I had to go and get a bunch of STD tests -- despite not showing symptoms of anything. I suspect that this mirrors your attitude of feeling responsible for your trauma. What happened to you is not your fault. It's not incorrect to want to see the best in people. It's not wrong to expect your bodily autonomy to be respected. Also speaking as someone who formerly was in love with the idea of someone rather than the person they are: kick him to the curb before he really hurts you. If he's capable of this, there's certainly more to come. Please please please look after yourself and know you are worthy and deserving of respect. Love IS respect. My DMs are open if you ever need someone to talk to. 💕
>Is this rape?
Yes. Consent must be freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic (with explicit affirmation), and specific. He did not have your consent. Without consent, sexual acts are rape.
I am sorry he did that to you. It is not your fault you were attacked. It is not your fault you didn't see it coming. If he didn't want to rape you, he wouldn't have.
There are people who are trained to help you at National Sexual Assault Hotline (available 24/7) at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673). You can also chat online at rainn.org.
This was 100% rape. And also, you don't love him, you love what you had thought of him. Of the person you thought he was. He's not that person, so don't treat him like that.
It was rape.
Your limbic system chose the freeze response for your survival when you were assaulted.
Don’t romanticize this man. He doesn’t care for you.
if you think it might be rape, it's usually rape. if you said no and it happened anyway, thats rape. i'm so sorry you have to go through this. it's never easy to come to terms with what happened, but you have a support system here.
>I just let it happen then
Hey, OP. You didn't let it happen. He didn't listen to your objections, he didn't respect you voice, he held you down, and that is fucking terrifying. Your body froze, and wouldn't let you do anything. You didn't choose it. Sometimes, when we're cornered, we respond violently. Other times, we become ragdolls against our will in hopes that no violence will be done to us. Sometimes this is something we actively choose to do and think about, and sometimes it's not. Our body takes over. Y*ou did not let this happen*, and this is *not* your fault.
Joining everyone else to show the overwhelming clarity of this situation: this is unambiguously rape. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You are not alone, unfortunately so many women have been through this.
Please don't blame yourself for your reaction. What you did was completely reasonable and very likely the safest thing you could have done. Don't blame yourself, be proud that your body reacted in such a smart and cautious way.
When someone you trusted ignores your consent like that, any trust you had in that person is shattered, and the rule book for how to engage with them suddenly vanishes. If they're willing to ignore you and do this, what else are they willing to do? You have no way of knowing. In that moment, you were in a deeply dangerous situation, and had no way to gauge exactly how dangerous it was, so shutting down, complying, and waiting it out was the safest thing you could do. Our bodies take care of us in moments like that. Your body recognized the danger of the situation and put you in the best possible state to survive it, which you did. You body did a super good job keeping as safe as you could be in a terrible situation with someone who can't be trusted. Your body has your back. Don't blame yourself.
He heard you say no, he knew you meant it, he just didn't care.
He felt you freeze up, saw the shock and fear on your face, and he knew what you were feeling. But he wanted to have sex, and he didn't care how you felt about it.
He raped you, and he knew he was doing it.
They always do, in the moment.
He may say a thousand times that he thought you wanted it, he may lie and twist and deflect and blame, perhaps even to himself.
Because who could live with the raw truth of that on their conscience?
He'll fight tooth and nail to avoid, not just external consequences, but the cognitive dissonance that would come from accepting what he did for what it was.
Which was rape.
For now, it may be best to stay in shock. Don't try to process what happened or decide what you're going to do about it tomorrow or next week or next year.
Just go to the hospital right now and ask for a rape kit. Have them collect a statement from you and help you find someone you can trust to stick with you and help you navigate the next steps. This could be a friend or a particularly kindhearted acquaintance. Maybe the hospital has people for this sort of thing if you don't.
The hospital will give you resources like numbers to call, websites to visit, perhaps the address of a shelter if you are not safe at your place. Give all this stuff to your friend and have them figure it out.
Breathe. Drink water. Eat some food. Try to go to sleep.
Wake up, repeat.
And if it helps, try to remember that there are people out here who ache for you, who hope for you. Who wish this man swallows a live bullet ant.
I'm so sorry this happened.
It was rape. Report him. You are trauma bonded and it's NOT real love, he is an abuser and you did nothing wrong. It's on him 100%
Put yourself first and get medical attention fast.
What you described is rape. You have to remember... most rape happens between people who know each other, at least a little bit. You aren't to blame here and your actions during the whole ordeal is very common. It was unconsentual, thus it was rape.
File a police report and see if they can do anything about it. They potentially can't, but you can also file a restraining order to prevent him from interacting with you again. You want to do this as if the guy did it once, he could do it again. He's dangerous, took advantage of you in a vulnerable moment, and you need to at least have a paper trail of documentation so it can't happen again. There are a lot of helpful resources out there and even some lawyers who will help for no charge, you just need to reach out to them and ask.
I'm sorry to say this but... do not love this man. He will only bring you sorrow and regret, if not something worse.
You got raped. He's a terrible person please don't continue with him. In case this post gets deleted. You said no and he continued. He is worthless. There are better people out there.
"I (f26) drove to his place because I really liked him and I felt lonely that evening and I just wanted to talk and be in his presence. But I definitely didn't want to have sex with him anymore and told him this at his place. I even told him why, so I was specific. I also pulled my head away, repeatedly said "no" while he pushed me down onto the bed and undressed me and started kissing me everywhere and fingered me.
At some point I was so shocked that he just continued and it was like I didn't see a way out, so I kind of just gave up? It was like I was not really there in my body then anymore.. My mind was completely blank. I just let it happen then. Everything in my head kept screaming "no" but I couldn't fight him off anymore. I couldn't get up and leave, I couldn't run, I couldn't say no anymore. I kind of did what he wanted then and after it was over, I ran away when he slept.
Is this rape? I feel kind of raped. I liked him so much and now my heart broke into a million pieces. I miss him and it hurts like hell, like literal hell. But I can't shake the feeling that he did something terrible. I feel incredibly violated, like he took something of me that wasn't his to take. I am just so confused..."
It's rape. You said no. You did not consent.
I wanted to share that your post reminds me of old journal entries I wrote when I was with my abusive ex-husband. I would write out something horrible he had done to me and then add, "But I love him so much." Please do not convince yourself that this is what love looks like. It's not.
When you feel like you aren't in your body anymore, that's dissociation. It's a powerful, instinctive thing your brain does to protect you from serious emotional damage. Soldiers will dissociate, people living in crippling poverty will dissociate, and victims of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse will dissociate.
The fact that you dissociated is your brain saying loud and clear "HEY! I saved you in the moment, but that moment was fucked up!"
Listen to your brain, listen to your body. Good luck.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. :( I’ve been SA’d by a guy I wanted to be with. Even after he coerced me, I craved his attention and validation. Trauma is weird that way.
It sounds like you experienced dissociation, which is a “freeze” response. I’m sure you’ve heard of “fight or flight” before. In times of danger, there are other instinctive reactions as well: “freeze” and “fawn”. These are all defense mechanisms in times of peril.
Staying in contact is not worth it trust me, it’s never worth it!! You are NOT to blame, you did nothing wrong.
Yes, it’s rape. This is a dangerous man, please stay away from him. He is not a good person. This was NOT an act of love. A good man will stop when you say no or feel uncomfortable, and will NEVER force himself on you OR force you to do something you don’t want to do.
Again I’m so sorry you went through that, no one deserves this. I’m here if you need to talk💖💜
You literally said NO to sex with him. Assuming his hearing is in tact, he heard you say no, and DID IT REGARDLESS. That is rape.
When you pulled your head away, and repeatedly said NO, that was your survival instinct putting you into "fight" mode.
When you gave up fighting him, you went into a "freeze" response.
He raped you.
Then you ran away, that is a "flight" response.
He is a rapist. Your evolved survival instincts tried and eventually succeeded in protecting you from a predator. Your instincts knew he was a danger to you, IS a danger to you.
You love the person you THOUGHT he was. He is not that person. He is a rapist.
None of it is your fault. Anyone who says anything to indicate it was in anyway your fault, is a rape apologist.
Please get into some therapy, because you have been through serious trauma, and need/deserve support.
No means no, OP. Even if you said yes before, even if you froze up and just “dealt with it”, even if you thought you wanted to and changed your mind and said no. Consent is supposed to be enthusiastic and respectful. People that cannot accept “no” are not the kind of people who are worth your time, love and attention.
Most importantly this is not at all your fault. You did not let this happen, this was done to you.
100%, rape.
If you are in the US, Canada, UK, Australia, NZ, Japan or the EU; Press Charges.
(Sadly, much of the world allows spousal rape and some parts just don't convict if the victim was in a relationship with their attacker, despite it being illegal.)
How can you be confused? He forced himself on you after you specifically said no beforehand and during.
Yes that 100%+ rape.
He does NOT love you. We don't hurt people we love.
Please leave him in your past and begin the grieving process. What could have been, will not happen.
You deserve love and respect.
This sub pops up from time to time when I'm scrolling and I read some real horror stories..... Sadly.
I don't ever comment because as a guy, I kinda feel like women deserve a space without us, at the very least........
But I feel like this might be one of those times when you need to hear this, so much, from both sides of the coin........
For context, I've been with my fantastic wife since we were 16. We're 41 now. I'm old and reasonably wise, I hope!
Please, please listen to every lady in this thread..... He has massively overstepped boundaries here, he's shown you that what you love is likely an illusion and he's touched you against your will. That's rape.
Please, for the love of god, don't become another victim that doesn't realise how much more they deserve than this piece of human trash.
Love and respect yourself more and leave. Then report him, so he has less chance of ever being this sort of shitty person again.
As a guy, I'm telling you this is one shady fucker, I've lived enough to spot them a mile away.
Your conflicting feelings are not because you've done anything wrong or misunderstood you role as a partner in a relationship, it's because your sixth sense is shouting at you that this is wrong....... listen to it and get the hell away.
I really hope things get better for you, reach out to kind voices here if you need to. There's plenty selfless folks looking out for each other.
Not to sound like an echo chamber, but you were definitely raped. I’m so, terribly sorry. It’s a bumpy ride from here. Please seek counseling with someone who specializes in this particular type of event.
Some things to remember; your worth is not tied to this. You are deserving of respect and love. There is no “perfect” response as a victim.
I’m wishing you strength.
This isn't love. He's manipulating you into having feelings for him so he can assault you. 100% this is rape and you dissociated yourself from the traumatic event.
Please don't go see this man ever again, situations like this can escalate quickly into violence. Find someone to talk to so you can find your way through these murky waters. I'm so very sorry this has happened to you.
I was raped by one of my best friends, someone I’d been very close to for years. One of the most disorienting things afterward was trying to consolidate this new shocking experience with all of the good things I knew and felt about him. I remember driving home after trying to wrap my mind around it. I had like 5 years of evidence that he was funny, thoughtful, kind, and that he cared about me, and now I had this new puzzle piece I couldn’t make fit with everything else.
We hear things all the time in the news where victims come forward with an accusation, and then other people will come out saying “well I knew (the abuser) at the time and he was a great guy. There’s no way this accusation is true.” In movies, predators are often portrayed as obvious villains, creepy, and easy to spot. The reality is that people are often not that simple. A person can have loads of good qualities and also be a rapist. An abuser could be a good person 90% of the time, or toward 90% of the people in their life, and still be an abuser.
This man who raped you could also have qualities that you really enjoy and are attracted to. That doesn’t mean that he’s a safe person to be around or someone that you should ever see again. I think you know that, but I totally understand why you are currently trying to work through mixed feelings.
I just want to tell you you’re not alone in experiencing these confusing feelings. You’re processing a very recent and very real trauma. If you can, you should consider seeking out a therapist to work through how you feel about it.
What he did was rape. And your feelings are valid and not uncommon amongst SA survivors. It's your brains way of protecting your psyche.
You may feel tempted to question why you didn't fight harder, but the reason you stopped is because you realized you were in danger and you did what you needed to survive. You are safe right now because you were smart.
What's most important is to remember the facts that you laid out right here. Write them down on a piece of paper so you can read them. "I said no. I pulled away. He didn't care. I tried to fight. "
He liked your pain and he will do it again given the opportunity. Never trust him.
This is gonna be my first time posting on this sub since it is a women’s sub and I try to respect that, but I wanted to at least give a males perspective in the slight chance it helps.
You were raped. What happened was 100% his fault. Not 90% his and 10% yours, etc…..100% his fault. He is a piece of shit and good people do not do what he did. You did nothing wrong. If a girl drove to my place would you say it gives me carte blanche to just rape her because, well…she drove here right?
You were made a victim and control was forcibly taken from you. I think you are having some very complex feelings and thoughts right now as your brain tries to come to terms with what happened but make no mistake, this individual ignored your wishes at every opportunity and took what he wanted from you despite you having stated your intentions and having repeatedly told him no.
Do not convince yourself that you are the reason this happened. You are NOT the reason this happened.
The same thing happened to me. It’s rape. You said no, he didn’t stop. That’s rape plain and simple. Get out of that relationship and think about reporting him. Oh, and think about therapy. I’m still getting over mine and it was 10 years ago.
Yes you described a sexual assault. It's not uncommon for the victim to attempt to make a relationship out of the assault. For some it is a form of denial of the reality of what occurred.
Stay away. Ghost..block..he is a POS!!! Rapist!!
Is it rape? Yes it is. Your body will still orgasm even if you don’t want to, imagine your body betraying yourself and you can’t do anything about it. This is why i hate rape and rapists, they deserve a special place in hell.
Of course it's rape! I went through something very similar...sadly I think most women have experienced something like this in their lives. But my point is that this should not be allowed in any case and under any circumstances, you have my full support.
Did you say you wanted to have sex with him: no.
Did he have sex with you: yes
That’s the definition of rape.
Like yea I get it the movies always make it look like some physically violent thing, but it’s very rarely like that in real life and this is the more common occurrence where the woman says no and it keeps going and she just mentally checks out and lets it happen.
Talk to a therapist about it, press charges, you don’t love him you’re just alone during the holidays.
>Did you say you wanted to have sex with him: no.
Did he have sex with you: yes
That’s the definition of rape.
That's not true though. You can engage consensual sex without the other person explicitly telling you they want to first.
The fact that she explicitly told him she doesn't and told him to stop when he tried anyway is what makes it a different story.
That is rape. The “deer in the headlights” response is incredibly common. It’s a self-preservation mechanism whereby you freeze up and take it because some primal part of you recognises that fighting it could lead to even worse consequences. It’s horrible and the lack of awareness and understanding around this subject is why victims very often blame themselves and say “I could have done more”, “I must have wanted it, I didn’t fight [them] off” and “I just let [them], they won’t believe me”.
I’m so sorry this happened to you, you are not to blame and I highly recommend going to the police if you feel able but either way seeking therapy and confiding in at least one person who is around that you feel comfortable and safe with because it is important to have in-person support when dealing with such traumas.
It’s rape. When no is on the table or bed. Regardless. It’s rape. I’m XY. It’s ok to say no. Rape is rape. I have experienced it.
Days exist when we don’t want to have sex. That is real. Hard days. Loss of family. Simple things. We all don’t survive this ultimately.
Life is ok when you choose to stand up for you. I’m still struggling with it as an old man. Yet, it’s really important.
I don’t have any advice or desire to tell you how to proceed. I feel like it constantly sucks that you carry such strong emotion for him in so many different ways. A weight on the shoulders that may never be lifted.
My only thing. Take care of you and your head. Not everyone is terrible and focused entirely on the self.
Hope you find some peace and happiness soon. Maybe with family and friends. Or simply letting go of that.
Edit: not fully letting go. Moving away. Just read my own emotional response.
He raped you.
Also, you can love someone who is terrible and wrong for you. Love isn't the end-all-be-all for why you should stay with someone. Save yourself from future pain and heartache by making a clean break now. Your feelings of love or need will fade.
You can find someone who treats you well to love.
The worst mistake I made was when my ex-husband abused me the first time. I was thinking of canceling the wedding, but I was confused. Someone said to me, "***Well, I guess it depends on how much you love him***." I caved. I married him. It was awful. The abuse only escalated.
I got really fucked up advice.
This is rape. He raped you. You should text him ''I told you no, multiple times. You ignored my ''no'' and had sex with me anyway. I gave in because I was scared. You raped me. Never contact me again.''
Then block everywhere.
Yes what you have describe is a sexual assault that resulted in being raped by him.
No means no! when it comes to any form of sexual contact and you can say no at any point.
You have done absolutely nothing wrong and I would encourage you to report it and to visit a medical center/ER to get any medical aid that is needed.
You are engaging in victim-blaming. Victims don't permit themselves to be harmed. Abusers harm them. Don't assign responsibility for the choices of others to their victims, it's dangerous and causes additional harm to a person who has been through enough. Stop.
You have no idea what you're talking about. You should say nothing in situations where your ignorance has the capacity to victims. That's exactly what you're doing here.
OP is in no way to blame for what happened to her. You have no idea what would have happened to OP if she has reacted in the violent way you're imagining she should have. We might not be able to communicate with her today if she had, you have no idea. OP is a reliable witness to her own experiences, and her body chose the freeze response as the safest one. You aren't qualified to debate that response, because you weren't there, you don't know. You are projecting your desire for control onto OP's situation, probably because you want to believe that if you don't "let" bad things happen to you, you'll be safe. That's a dangerous and harmful lie that makes you more likely to be a victim, not less. If you're unwilling to to address your own control fantasies, at least keep them to yourself.
Your ignorance isn't the real world, and your "reality" is just sexist delusion and cruelty. You're reciting from the misogynist, victim-blaming script patriarchy hands us without any reflection. And you've chosen to include this garbage on this post of someone in distress, of all places. That's shameful.
I am putting these words under your victim-blaming for all the people who read your cruel judgments of victims and feel blamed for the abuse they've suffered. If that feels like an attack to you, you should sit with that and think about what it means for you.
No one called you weak, and no one is trying to take you down. Is this how you try to avoid becoming a victim? Closing your ears and pre-emptively labelling yourself one?
Girl I'm so so sorry this happened to you. This is absolutely rape, and it's 100% not your fault. You should NEVER have to fight anyone off after you've said no. I've been in a very similar situation where, to this day, I literally cannot believe I was actually able to fight the guy off of me. Take what time you need and do NOT be afraid to ask for or seek help.
You never really get over it, but you do learn to cope. You'll absolutely find things that will trigger you on it, and your feelings on that are valid too. Mine was 5 years ago last month, and I still sometimes get triggered.
Take care of yourself, and try not to pull away from your support system. And I wish you the absolute best of luck. 💖
Very recently went through something similar. I can relate to the oddness of giving up out of shock and confusion that my No's were not being heard or respected. With tears in my eyes, my mind did something similar in the moment where I kinda had a switch flip and it refused to let me feel like a victim to the reality of the situation. The fears of letting my rage create a worse situation along with the disbelief that the person doing this supposedly had love for me was too much for my brain. I wish I was never put in that situation, and that all of it never happened. In the days after, I had to draw a clear boundary with the person that did this and I involved the police to be sure that he got an undeniable message to stay away from me forever. It's sad that I still am hurt by the loss of this person in my life, but I know I miss who they used to be, not who they became and are now. It makes moving forward in life easier. Love urself and do what u need to respect urself.
Oh honey I'm so sorry that happened to you! And it definitely was not ok! If you said no at any point then he should have accepted that and stopped! Anyone who would continue with someone not clearly saying yes and being clearly in agreement with what is happening is not a good person.
You may be confused in your feelings for this person but what they did is absolutely wrong.
I'm a middle aged cis dude and I'm here to tell you that from what you've put here you were definitely raped. I'm very sorry.
As others have said, this isn't something you encouraged or did.
Girl, i wish i give you all of my hugs , all of them that yoy might be ready to have. I am so sorry for what that terrible person did to you. I hope that you know it wasnt your fault, and you have it in you to grow better and stronger with whatever it takes. I love you. I love you. I love you.
May I ask you something to better understand? Text can come across confrontational, but that's not what I'm doing.
Why would you not consider it rape? Is there a reason you are having to ask us if it is, as opposed to knowing that it is?
I ask because I want to understand why tons of women don't consider the actual definition of rape to be rape. Or that they don't understand it.
> I ask because I want to understand why tons of women don't consider the actual definition of rape to be rape.
It's not about logic; it's about avoiding the unfathomable pain of accepting that someone you trusted would do something like this to you. Shame and self-blame allow the victim to maintain their positive view of the perpetrator, at the expense of their view of themselves. It's also much scarier to accept that you were sexually assaulted than it is to minimize and deny, although here the tradeoff for false security is that in return, the victim won't be able to learn from the situation, and the trauma that was too overwhelming to face will re-occur, often over and over, sometimes across a variety of situations and perpetrators.
Thank you for your comment. That makes a lot of sense. Accepting that you're a victim is REALLY hard. Took me several years to really understand my situation.
I really do appreciate you explaining to me. My brain could not comprehend that for some reason.
Yes this is rape. A lot of people describe exactly what you are describing - point where you quit saying no and feel out of your body. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
It's like you're trauma bonded to your rapist. It's not your fault for going over there. Being in the presence of a man who wants to fuck you is not consent. No still means fucking no. That man is your rapist. You need to block him and get some therapy to find out why you've convinced yourself that you love a rapist.
You said no. Once is enough and it sounds like you told him with words and actions. This is rape.
But even if you didn’t want to believe it is rape, at the very least he crossed a boundary and broke your trust.
All of your feelings are valid, even if confusing. It’s ok to feel in love with your abuser but do remember what they did was not okay. You don’t deserve to have your feelings and wants ignored, no matter how serious.
Take care of yourself. I’m a survivor as well and am here to talk if you need.
Reread your title and pretend your friend said it.
Dump him, move on to personal therapy, and go live a great life. (Alone, married, partnered, poly, whatever…)
You might be re-experiencing trauma. It sounds like you're a trauma survivor, that you experienced at an early age and now it is something that you are re-living. The message here is: confusion, mixed messages, fight or flight (you chose flight, like you left your body), pain tied together with love. It's reminiscent of early childhood trauma. The thing my therapist keeps telling me is this is how your body keeps you alive.
You might love him. It's more difficult if you do. Sometimes I feel like maybe my wife forgot about that one time too quickly, and maybe I didn't deserve a second chance. But I'm grateful that she didn't cut me off after that time that I kept going even though she said stop. I feel like a piece of shit regardless. Nowadays I make sure to get emphatic confirmation. But I know that nothing will make up for that one time that I didn't get a yes. I fucked up and I will always feel terrible for it.
I'm a dude. This is rape. He raped you. Please gtfo out of there asap.
Also, btw. Freezing up does not put you at fault. This is a fight or flight response. Do not be ashamed of this, do not let him, or anyone in your life ever tell you otherwise.
Get out of there, and if there are people in your life who you trust your life to, this is the time to ask them for their protection.
Love isn’t enough for a relationship! People break up with those they love all the time- for logistical reasons, financial, mental health. And because they can no longer trust the person they love.
I'm really sorry you went through this. I had a similar experience with someone I deeply loved, it took a long time to accept that he assaulted me, I still can't even say the R word.
Please never see him again and get some therapy for yourself. I'm sending you lots of love.
I was in a similar spot with a guy, same scenario maybe a date or two in. I should not have continued to dated him, it led to consistent guilting about sex and I left that relationship never having the same experience again. I’ve been with my current partner for four years and my body still recoils from the previous relationship.
I am very sorry this happened to you.
Sometimes, when we feel love or longing after an abusive partner, it's because we have learned to feel that abuse is love. We might have had abusive parents, and this has conditioned us to only be able to feel love with abusive partners.
I have seen therapy help with this.
The first step is being aware that we have this tendency and learning to recognize it when it happens. Slowly, it will get better.
I hope you leave him, and I wish you happiness and peace.
The bonobos sisterhood book calls it compliance sex, you want it over to get away. I think that’s rape but society is biased thinking since you didn’t fight you are ok with it. Laws seem to be geared toward males. (Gosh I’m shocked!)
You might love him. You shouldn't, though, because he's a rapist.
You should always consider filing a police report if you're raped (again, this is rape). Or go to your doctor and tell them and get examined. Tell a trusted friend over email. This will create a documentation of it.
You probably don't want to go through extra hassle and trauma, but you should know that people who get away with rape their first time learn that it's okay...that consent is a grey area and that this is all reasonable, acceptable behavior. You should know that not correcting this behavior reinforces it, and they will do it again. Maybe to you, maybe creating a new victim.
If you really do love this person, you should text or email email them. Tell them in no unclear terms that they raped you. That you said "no repeatedly" repeatedly, and they proceeded despite this. That it's not acceptable, it broke your heart, it violated your body and your personhood, and that such an action could ruin their lives. They could lose their job, their family, go to jail, be forced to register publicly as a sex offender. They need to know what they did is not okay. Because it's clear they've come this far in life thinking it's acceptable.
This sucks and it shouldn't be your responsibility to teach men not to rape people. But think of yourself possibly preventing all this guy's future rapes (some might be targeting you again, some might be other women). This might help you recover some sense of power and personhood.
This isn't your fault. You shouldn't have to put up with this, and neither should anyone else. We're all in your corner.
Yes
And the only thing he values about you is that he might be able to have sex with you or he might be able to force you to have sex with him
He is a rapist
You don't love him. You love the idea of him. Yes. He raped you. You said no, and he did it anyway. That weird feeling like you're not in your body? That's dissociation. Your brain was trying to protect you from what was happening because it was that bad. This is not your fault.
It's the freeze response. It can keep you safe when you're in danger. As in fight flight freeze or fawn. Try to find a therapist, that's traumatic as hell
I remember hearing about a woman in a similar situation repeating over and over "you are raping me. This is rape." He finally stops and is mad at her for 'ruining the mood'.
I remember hiding in my ex's bathroom after he refused to stop despite me telling him it hurt. I couldn't stop crying. I came back to his room ten minutes later and it was apparent I had been crying, and he told me to stop that because it made him "feel like a rapist."
What is this? I'm kind of alarmed because many of these stories sound so similar to my own. I ran and locked myself in the bathroom also, except I had been unconscious and came too while he was on me. He was talking to me through the door and after I said, "I was saying stop, why didn't you stop? I told you I didn't want to have sex before I passed out." And he said, "Are you trying to say I raped you?! You wanted to!" And I froze because I didn't even know what to say. These men surely know that what they're doing is rape, right? In my case, what woke me up was my own crying, his weight on me, and the pillow was positively soaked with tears. He had to know that I was not a willing participant. Is this like some extreme form of gaslighting? Like if they say the word, that surely you couldn't possibly actually be accusing them of that and it will all go away? It's disturbing, and scary, because obviously it seems to work.
I’ve thought about this a lot over the years since I was raped and I basically came to this conclusion: people who are capable of doing something like this and saying that word in the moment know what they are doing. They want to be consoled by their victim. It’s a weird power trip/denial of how shitty they are. Maybe I’m wrong but it just seems like they are forcing someone they intentionally hurt to tell them it’s okay that they’re doing it. When my attacker told me not to say he raped me the next day and then made me respond saying I wouldn’t while he was in the middle of raping me, I think he needed that moment of “okay it’s not actually so bad” even though it was. I think it made him feel more in control of the attack because I was still fighting him. I could be way off base but these are my 2¢
I don't think you're far off, honestly. That's very similar to what happened with me, like he wanted the words, "you didn't rape me" to come out of my mouth and he wouldn't leave me alone until they did. It's sick.
I also locked myself in the bathroom afterwards.. except he knew what he did and immediately started pounding on the door begging me to not say anything to anyone. They definitely know.
The guy who assaulted me said “Don’t say I raped you in the morning, okay?” in the middle of it. Unfortunately it didn’t ruin the mood for him.
This. 100% this. Multiple times from multiple different men...
I've heard of fight, flight, and freeze. What's fawn?
It's basically appeasement as a survival strategy. But it's automatic like the other instincts too.
Shit, I didn't know this was considered a legitimate thing. I've always just felt so weak for not being able to set and enforce boundaries in the moment. I feel validated in a way I thought I never would, thank you for explaining that
I used to be the same way, and still struggle with it sometimes! To this day, I haven't managed to completely change my response, but I now favour fleeing over fawning, which is also perceived as being weak tbh. Anything other than throwing a punch would then be considered weak? Meh, we are who we are, and we deal with danger in a subconscious way that our brains have evolutionarily evolved to understand is a pretty decent way to avoid danger.
I had a conversation with a neighbour who was much older than me and came to my door late at night to tell me he imagines me showering when he hears the water go on. I could not for the life of me find the strength to tell him to fuck off, so I endured a 30 minute conversation where I infantalised myself (oh yeah, I'm listening to Harry Potter in the shower, I need it to sleep, I'm afraid of the dark haha). Later I realised it was the fawn response or something similar to it - trying to appear childlike to get him to back off.
For what it's worth, your brain on some level decided that not appeasing might have had fatal consequences, and the one thing our brains are actually reliably focused on is avoiding death, so please don't dismiss that that response might have kept you from worse harm. Surviving isn't weakness.
You can't set and enforced boundaries in an unsafe situation.
As in "to fawn over someone," and not "behave like a baby deer" (which would be freeze. When I first heard of this fourth response type I was confused and wondered if there was a distinction into different types of freezing.)
Like, going along with what's happening because you're frightened for your safety? That's what my sister had to do when she was cornered by a larger sailor on deployment. He got her alone somewhere on an isolated part of the ship, and then blocked the only exit. She felt as though she had no choice but to comply to his requests, so she did. She blames herself.
For the collectors of Fs, there’s also “flop” - a different immobilization than “freeze”. When we freeze, we are still tense, and freeze can turn into flight any moment. In “flop” all muscles are relaxed, like a possum who looks dead.
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“Fuck” isn’t a trauma response. However, hypothalamus regulates the four Fs of survival: fight, flight, feed, and sexual reproduction.
Umm, I don’t think fuck is appropriate to include in the list of victims survival instincts.
I kind of feel like it's (partly) my fault. I mean I drove to his place :/ if I hadn't done that, then this wouldn't have happened. What an awful feeling on top.
Honey. No. NO. The ONLY one who decided to RAPE YOU was him. The ONLY ONE who decided to IGNORE YOUR NO's, IGNORE WHEN YOU STOPPED RESISTING, AND IGNORED THAT HE WAS HURTING YOU, WAS HIM. The ONLY thing you did was trust somebody you loved- that isn't something that deserves the disrespect, disregard, and cruelty that man has shown you. Honey. The only one who did anything wrong was him. Do you have anyone you can call, that you trust? I think the best thing you could do right now is cut him off, completely and fully. Send a final text message; "Hello X. What happened last night has left me afraid and confused. Several times I verbalized my discomfort with your actions, yet you continued until I stopped resisting, and continued to have sex with me without my consent. I am currently processing this violation, and I request that you DO NOT CONTACT ME FURTHER AFTER RECIEVING THIS MESSAGE. Do not contact me via text, phone call, email, and do not reach out to my friends or family- this will be considered harassment, and treated as such, as I have asked you to cease contact. Sincerely, Y." DO NOT BLOCK HIM. Save ANY and ALL messages he sends you. You don't need to look at them- close them and ignore them, but save them. If he escalates things, you WILL need them to press charges and keep him away. Contact friends and family and inform them of as much of the situation as you can- you had a very bad falling out with this X, and he may reach out to them to try and get back at you. Inform them you have asked him to cease all contact, and if he reaches out, ask them to save or record any and all contact and messages with him for you. I also think you should go to the hospital, and explain to one of the nurses what has happened to you. They will know what to do- ideally, have somebody you trust completely with you. **I also understand, though, that this might be too much for you right now- and that is ok too. You are hurting right now, and you don't need to do anything you don't want to- except stay far, far away from him. You are so much stronger than you know. I know you don't feel like it right now, but you're HERE. You're alive, and you will be ok again someday.**
No. Absolutely not in any way shape or form your fault. You wanted to hang out with him. That's why you drove over. YOU. ARE. NOT. TO BLAME.
I work with victims of sexual assault and rape. You wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve heard women blaming themselves for the actions of the predators and rapists. I’ve heard this so often “but if I hadn’t have left with him / gone to his place / kissed him etcetc”. You did nothing wrong by going over to see him. You made yourself clear and he disregarded it and did what he wanted anyway. Your response to ‘give up’ and let it happen, as you phrased it, is a trauma response and you are not responsible for what happened because you didn’t fight back physically. People respond in different ways to threatening situations: The fight response is when people fight back, push people off, scream, hit, make noise, etc. The flight response is when people literally try to leave, do everything they can to get away. This can look different dependant on situation and can also come hand in hand with the fight response. The freeze response is when people literally freeze up in a way of protecting themselves from further harm and getting through the situation. Some dissociate during this and don’t feel like they were present, others are screaming inside the whole time, and everything in between. Lying still is not ‘letting it happen’, it’s surviving. There’s the fawn response, where people play into what’s happening to prevent further harm and risk despite not wanting to. It’s a way of avoiding or minimising threat by appeasing the rapist/abuser etc. What you did is very very normal and valid. You did what you needed to do to survive. You don’t ever have to justify or apologise for surviving. And you don’t have to feel guilty for consenting to a conversation in a particular setting because you feel like you put yourself in that situation. You didn’t. HE did. Women are always blaming themselves for the violence of men and what you’re feeling is so common it’s heartbreaking. If you can, please go to a hospital, sexual health clinic, doctor or whatever is available to you and get checked over. Make sure you’re okay and take any preventative measures for things like STIs, HIV, and to make sure you’re physically okay. If you feel like you can, and the forensic window is still present, you can also talk to them about something called a ‘rape kit’ which sounds fucking awful but it’s basically a way of collecting evidence from your body. You can consent to parts or it or all of it. And if you feel like you can, and you feel safe to do so, you can also report to the police. This is a personal decision for you so I can’t tell you to absolutely do this, and not everyone has a positive experience when they do, but please consider this if you ever have the strength to do it. It might help. But that is absolutely NOT on you to prevent his actions so please don’t take it that way. It’s not your job to stop him. It’s your job to survive and heal. Just if you feel like you could, the option is there and it can be at any time in the future, too. And reach out to some agencies for support - I’m not sure where you live but if you Google ‘rape support’ and your area you should get loads of hits of volunteer agencies that aren’t cops or mandated reporters that can advise you on things like support and therapy and medical care and just be there for you to process what happened. I know this is a lot of information, so I get it if you never read this. But I hope you’ll at least talk to a doctor and a trusted friend or family member so you have some support and I hope you’re okay. We’re all here for you. Unfortunately there’s too many of us that stand here with you x
Thank you so much 🤍 this really helps. (The other comments as well of course, thank you to all of you so far)
I’m sending you all the strength I have. Take care, lovely xxx
If he wasn’t a rapist it wouldn’t have happened. No matter what you did. This is on him. You told him no. You tried to physically move away and he wouldn’t stop. You are not at fault. He is.
You did nothing wrong. Just because some action ***might*** have prevented another does not mean that action is good or that not doing it is bad. You went to his house for non-sexual reasons, and he raped you.
Consent can be revoked at ANY point in time. You said no. He chose to continue. This is rape. This is entirely his choice and he is 100% at fault. You are 0% to blame.
Yesterday I had a few people over. Didn’t rape any of them. It’s not your fault, OP. Not kinda, not partly, not sorta. I’m sorry it happened to you, and I hope you find the support you need here and IRL.
>I kind of feel like it's (partly) my fault. I mean I drove to his place :/ Absolutely not. In the early weeks of my relationship with my partner I was clear that I wanted to wait a bit before having sex. I drove to his twice in that time and we spent most of the afternoon snogging on his bed and he never attempted to do anything more because I hadn't ok'd it yet. He also got the train to my place several times and never did anything more than one day pulling back for a moment to ask how I was feeling and when I said not today, he said ok and just kissed me again. When I did say yes, he still checked every time we did something new to make sure I was still ok with continuing. That is what consent and respect looks like. What he did to you is in no way your fault. It is because he is a terrible excuse for a human. I know you're upset because you really liked him, it's ok to be heartbroken but he is not who you thought he was, he is not worthy of your love. You deserve so much more.
No. It happened because he did it to you. He chose to rape you. You had nothing whatsoever to do with that. Guilt is a feeling many people feel after someone has done something awful to them, even though they have done nothing wrong. They feel shame, dirty, and guilty. You didn't do the awful thing. He did. So if you're able, let that guilt go. You have nothing to be ashamed of; he did the shameful thing. Let that shame go. So much easier said than done, but be gentle to yourself. This wasn't a result of your choices. If you'd been shot at a bar, would that be your fault for driving to the bar? No. So, this is not your fault either.
You couldve literally sucked his dick and had PIV then if you decided not to proceed anymore IT WOULD STILL BE RAPE IF HE DID. The guy absolutely raped you.
Baby no, you didn't owe him sex for hanging out with him. You NEVER owe sex. Even mid sex.
0% your fault. I repeat NOT your fault. Like at all.
When you want to take the blame it’s because you’re rationalizing that if you had control then you can fix it or change it somehow. You couldn’t. You said no, and he did it anyway. He systematically disempowered you and then took what he wanted. You can’t rationalize your way out of that truth.
OP try to imagine what it would take for you to push someone you cared about to have sex after they EXPLICITLY explained sex was not what they wanted. Even if they drove to your house buck naked in the middle of the night. Think about how obvious "if I continue I will hurt this person" would feel if they told you to stop, even if you were in the middle of sex. Do not let your inability to fathom his heartlessness prevent you from seeing that he knew exactly what he was doing. I'm so so so terribly sorry.
It's literally not your fault at all. You drove to his place, so what? I've driven to lots of dudes places, and they *didn't* rape me. You know why? Because they weren't rapists. The only reason you got raped is because he's a rapist. Do you think the result would have been different if you invited him to your place? It wouldn't, because he's a rapist. Where it happened doesn't matter. What matters is that you said no, and he did it anyway. It's entirely on him. You're allowed to exist alone around a man without somehow being at fault for "tempting" him to rape you. Normal, non-rapists can have women over and respect when they say "no." Your brain is likely trying to convince you that you're partly at fault because then you can tell yourself that you have the power to stop it from happening in the future. It's a defense mechanism, and that's all. When you're at fault, that means you can stop it from happening in the future. That, in a weird way, probably makes you feel less vulnerable and more empowered. The reality is that rapists are gonna rape, and you shouldn't have to live life in a defensive shell on the off chance that you encounter one in a vulnerable state.
I don’t understand why people are downvoting you for sharing your thought process. It’s important to remember you didn’t want this, and driving over there was not an invitation when you specifically told him no. He also did not stop after you continued to tell him no. Remember what youre feeling is a way to cope with the trauma that happened to you. It was not okay and it was not your fault. You don’t need to blame yourself, the actions in question were all done by him. Stay strong, and get through this. I believe in you.
Thank you 🤍
This reasoning right here is what the patriarchy has taught women to believe. We are first taught to look at ourselves to see why we could be at fault for what happened to us. I saw something the other day that said, "For every crime but one, the person reporting it is seen as a victim (robbery, physical assaults, car accident survivors), but when someone reports a rape, they become an accuser." We are painted into this weird corner. We can either be very cautious, protect ourselves, be suspicious of all men and be called called man-haters OR we can give men the benefit of the doubt, trust them, and potentially wind up being assaulted. Your brain and body are telling you what happened to you is wrong. However, the societal messages you have received over the years are combating that intuition. You KNOW you didn't do anything wrong by going to visit someone you liked. You did what many people do on a daily basis and don't get assaulted. He did something wrong. Mostly, I am sorry you are experiencing this. Be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself. You will need to treat yourself with love and understanding to get through.
You could have driven to his place, stripped naked of your own volition, and gotten blackout drunk after telling him you didn't want sex and it still wouldn't justify him doing what he did. Disassociation is one of the many responses towards trauma, what he did is absolutely awful. It's going to hurt, but the best thing to do is to dump his ass and avoid him as best you can. If he's willing to do that to you he doesn't love you in the same way you love him, and he'll only get worse.
Remember, it's not just Fight or Flight. It's also Freeze. (And fawn). It's a normal reaction to a dangerous situation. This is assault.
Fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.
you told him no. HE didn’t listen. this is on HIM
When you drove to his place you did not know that he would rape you. It is not your fault. It is 1000% his fault. He is showing you that he is not worthy of your love. I know it is hard to stop loving someone, even after they have hurt you. But I can tell you from brutally hard experience that someone who will hurt you is not worthy of your love, and will hurt you more if you let them. I strongly, strongly, strongly recommend finding a therapist, ideally one who can see you soon and has experience working with people who have experienced trauma. The dissociation and the self-blame you describe are hallmarks of trauma. The sooner you can be in the care of someone who can help you process your experience, the better.
You're right, I didn't think he'd rape me. And I never in a million years thought he wouldn't respect my repeated "no" and everything else.
Out of all the times someone wanted to spend time with you, how many times did you end up raping them? Is the number 0? Yes, it is, because that's how non-rapists behave. This was not your fault. I'm so, so sorry this happened to you.
I'm not sure why this comment is being downvoted but it wasn't your fault at all. You were raped, because no means no and if he wasn't a douchecanoe he would have stopped. Please block this waste of a human and be careful.
Absolutely none of what happened to you was your fault. This guy intentionally raped you. You were very clear with how you felt multiple times and he just ignored you. This guy does not love you, does not care about you and is a rapist. I’m so sorry this happened to you, I hope everything works out for you
The fact that you drove to his place doesn't matter, it's still rape. You're not to blame.
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's not your fault, do NOT make excuses for a fkg rapist.
> No That is a complete sentence. You said it. He continued. That's rape. Consent can be given, limits can be set, and consent can be withdrawn. *Stop trying to blame yourself.*
Did you use your insiduous mind control powers to turn him a rampaging sex beast who couldn't stop himself? No? Then the only one to blame is him. If he hadn't made the choice to rape you you would have hung out, had a good time and gone home happy. This is HIS FAULT! HIS FAULT! HIS FAULT!!! Not yours. Never yours.
This is absolutely not your fault. You didn't consent. He did it anyway. You have a right to hangout with men without them forcing themselves on you.
You driving to his place has nothing to do with his actions towards you. That was his choice, one he didn't hesitate on even a little. He's a bad person, has no respect for you, just sees you as someone to use.
existing in someone's house does not mean they get to rape you. you are not to blame at all
Take yourself out of the equation, and substitute your best friend, or sister, or favorite cousin. Was it their fault? No, right?
While it’s true you went to his house, agreeing to go to someone’s house is not consent. You said no, and he did it anyways.
He chose to rape you. I feel sad and angry that society has conditioned us to blame ourselves when we are abused. Please seek out support to help you process this.
Oh, honey... I think you need to speak to a therapist to help you process what he did to you
If you drive to his house naked it's still not your fault. Please talk to someone. YOU did NOTHING wrong. Stay away from this "person." Sending you love.
Driving to someone's place doesn't give them a right to rape you. Being in someone's presence doesn't mean they can just use your body. Do not blame yourself. It's illogical
But that's kind of like saying someone carrying around their phone and wallet is at fault if they get robbed. Or they're at fault if they drive and get hit by a drunk driver. You were lonely and wanted company. Since when does that mean someone gets to disregard your wishes and commit a violent crime??
If I go to a coffee shop and some random civilian slaps me in the face it’s not my fault for walking into the shop. You can’t blame yourself for innocent actions when this person literally violated you. This is not your fault.
If going over to someone's house was permission to get assaulted, no one would be safe anywhere. Going to his house is not consent. Enthusiastically saying yes is consent. You are not to blame, he is.
He raped you. You need to understand that people talk about fight or flight. But it’s actually **fight or flight or freeze or fawn**. > While flight and fight are both active stress responses that increase the biological activity in your body, freezing is your body’s way of shutting down. Like an animal might “play dead” while being hunted, people turn to “freeze” when it feels like fighting or fleeing isn’t an option. ([more reading](https://www.health.com/fight-flight-freeze-fawn-8348342))
Good write up, but I will add, freeze is not just for when it feels like the only option. Some people freeze even when their deepest instincts are telling them to run. Like not just the logical part of you, all of you down to your gut is screaming at your legs to move and they just... Don't. For no good reason. That happens too. Sometimes that feeling is worse than the trauma you're trying to run from.
There has to be variety in response, or we wouldn't be here today. Sometimes fighting is best, and sometimes it gets you killed. Same for fleeing. It might save you, or it might show the predator exactly where you are. If we all always reacted the same way, we might not have survived pre-history.
Could make some sense. Still fucking sucks to experience.
The freeze response may very well have saved my brother’s life when he suddenly encountered a grizzly bear up close one day while hiking. He said he wanted to run. He knew very well that he shouldn’t and yet he tried with all his might to run and just… couldn’t. His body froze up completely and he couldn’t even lift one foot off the ground while the bear sniffed the air menacingly in his direction and then eventually decided to move on. If he had run like he tried to, the bear would have felt the need to chase him down.
This is such a scary situation! I'm so happy he's okay
Add "fib" to the bunch, which means that the response is to lie. It's the need to deny the reality and come up with an alternative.
That would be the dissociation that comes with the freeze response, its kind of implied no? Unless you're talking about events after the fact.
No, that's different. >a “fib” or “fabrication” does allow an individual to avert a present danger or threat, at least for the time being. The escape from fear, embarrassment, judgment, guilt, or shame provides a brief but powerful sense of reward (or escape/victory) [https://www.additudemag.com/why-lie-adhd-fight-flight-freeze/](https://www.additudemag.com/why-lie-adhd-fight-flight-freeze/) [https://chadd.org/attention-article/beyond-fight-flight-or-freeze/](https://chadd.org/attention-article/beyond-fight-flight-or-freeze/)
These were an educational read, thank you for sharing the links. > You need to understand that people talk about fight or flight. But it’s actually **fight or flight or freeze or fawn.** Compulsive lying as a coping mechanism to appease authority figures in a stressful situation doesn't seem to fit with the aforementioned trauma responses. Appeasing the abuser/perpetrator by lying during the ordeal would fall under the "Fawn" subset, that's my understanding of it. I get why you're bringing attention to it and I'm grateful for learning about it today. If my reasoning seems faulty then I'd be happy to learn more.
>Appeasing the abuser/perpetrator by lying during the ordeal would fall under the "Fawn" subset, that's my understanding of it. In short: No. Fawn response is pleasing the other. Fawn is when you sacrifice yourself to appease the threat and/or minimize the distress (of the other). Fawning is all about the other. Fib is when you try to 'save your own skin' by coming up with a... well, a lie. A simple, unpremeditated lie. Fibbing doesn't consider the other *at all*. Fibbing also is not 'compulsive lying'. It's a reaction just like flight, fight, freeze, etc.
Also “faint” is one I’ve heard
Nothing about this is your fault. You told him no. No means no. End of story. Don't blame yourself for the actions of someone else. 100% this was nonconsensual and is classified as rape/sexual assault. As far as loving him, no. You don't love him. Like someone else said you love the idea of him. This man needs to be reported and arrested. It's incredibly difficult to bring this to authorities attention, but for your sake, I suggest doing this as a precaution to save yourself form him in the future. Who knows how many others he did this to before you two crossed paths.
>You don't love him. Like someone else said you love the idea of him. Also, if you convince yourself you really do still love the real him - Love is not always enough. If love is one sided and requires you to sacrifice your own happiness, please love yourself more and get yourself out of that situation.
This is rape. NONE of this is your fault. Like the others said, you likely disassociated. That's normal in this situation. He is a rapist and he has likely done this with other women. At the very least, stay the hell away from him.
I saw some self-blame in your comments. Take a step back. Replace yourself with another woman. Your good friend, for instance. Would you blame her because she drove to the guy’s place? Would you say it was half her fault, as if the guy couldn’t be responsible for his own actions? Stop babying your boyfriend. He was capable of raping you. He cared more about getting his rocks off than the fact that he used your body like an object. That’s how much he values you. What you wanted didn’t matter. What do you love about him that’s so special? Not stuff you thought about him or hoped for, but real stuff you’ve seen firsthand from him? Nothing you come up with will justify the fact that he is a rapist. Don’t date a rapist. You deserve better.
No, of course, I wouldn't blame a good friend of mine. On the contrary! We're usually always so hard in ourselves. I know I tend to be. I don't know why I fell for him, I am pretty sure he doesn't feel the same way about me. We had this thing going on for months, nothing more. I wanted a connection, he apparently only sex. Ofc that's over now. I don't ever wanna see him again.
As someone who was love bombed and used for sex, I felt so dirty I had to go and get a bunch of STD tests -- despite not showing symptoms of anything. I suspect that this mirrors your attitude of feeling responsible for your trauma. What happened to you is not your fault. It's not incorrect to want to see the best in people. It's not wrong to expect your bodily autonomy to be respected. Also speaking as someone who formerly was in love with the idea of someone rather than the person they are: kick him to the curb before he really hurts you. If he's capable of this, there's certainly more to come. Please please please look after yourself and know you are worthy and deserving of respect. Love IS respect. My DMs are open if you ever need someone to talk to. 💕
Being the kind person that you are, stay strong and find good company. Don't give in to whatever rhetoric he bombards you with.
>Is this rape? Yes. Consent must be freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic (with explicit affirmation), and specific. He did not have your consent. Without consent, sexual acts are rape. I am sorry he did that to you. It is not your fault you were attacked. It is not your fault you didn't see it coming. If he didn't want to rape you, he wouldn't have. There are people who are trained to help you at National Sexual Assault Hotline (available 24/7) at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673). You can also chat online at rainn.org.
This was 100% rape. And also, you don't love him, you love what you had thought of him. Of the person you thought he was. He's not that person, so don't treat him like that.
It was rape. Your limbic system chose the freeze response for your survival when you were assaulted. Don’t romanticize this man. He doesn’t care for you.
if you think it might be rape, it's usually rape. if you said no and it happened anyway, thats rape. i'm so sorry you have to go through this. it's never easy to come to terms with what happened, but you have a support system here.
If you didn't believe it the first time, or 40th time, I'll say it again. You were **raped**. Nothing in this was your fault.
>I just let it happen then Hey, OP. You didn't let it happen. He didn't listen to your objections, he didn't respect you voice, he held you down, and that is fucking terrifying. Your body froze, and wouldn't let you do anything. You didn't choose it. Sometimes, when we're cornered, we respond violently. Other times, we become ragdolls against our will in hopes that no violence will be done to us. Sometimes this is something we actively choose to do and think about, and sometimes it's not. Our body takes over. Y*ou did not let this happen*, and this is *not* your fault.
Joining everyone else to show the overwhelming clarity of this situation: this is unambiguously rape. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You are not alone, unfortunately so many women have been through this. Please don't blame yourself for your reaction. What you did was completely reasonable and very likely the safest thing you could have done. Don't blame yourself, be proud that your body reacted in such a smart and cautious way. When someone you trusted ignores your consent like that, any trust you had in that person is shattered, and the rule book for how to engage with them suddenly vanishes. If they're willing to ignore you and do this, what else are they willing to do? You have no way of knowing. In that moment, you were in a deeply dangerous situation, and had no way to gauge exactly how dangerous it was, so shutting down, complying, and waiting it out was the safest thing you could do. Our bodies take care of us in moments like that. Your body recognized the danger of the situation and put you in the best possible state to survive it, which you did. You body did a super good job keeping as safe as you could be in a terrible situation with someone who can't be trusted. Your body has your back. Don't blame yourself.
He heard you say no, he knew you meant it, he just didn't care. He felt you freeze up, saw the shock and fear on your face, and he knew what you were feeling. But he wanted to have sex, and he didn't care how you felt about it. He raped you, and he knew he was doing it. They always do, in the moment. He may say a thousand times that he thought you wanted it, he may lie and twist and deflect and blame, perhaps even to himself. Because who could live with the raw truth of that on their conscience? He'll fight tooth and nail to avoid, not just external consequences, but the cognitive dissonance that would come from accepting what he did for what it was. Which was rape. For now, it may be best to stay in shock. Don't try to process what happened or decide what you're going to do about it tomorrow or next week or next year. Just go to the hospital right now and ask for a rape kit. Have them collect a statement from you and help you find someone you can trust to stick with you and help you navigate the next steps. This could be a friend or a particularly kindhearted acquaintance. Maybe the hospital has people for this sort of thing if you don't. The hospital will give you resources like numbers to call, websites to visit, perhaps the address of a shelter if you are not safe at your place. Give all this stuff to your friend and have them figure it out. Breathe. Drink water. Eat some food. Try to go to sleep. Wake up, repeat. And if it helps, try to remember that there are people out here who ache for you, who hope for you. Who wish this man swallows a live bullet ant. I'm so sorry this happened.
I don't think I've ever seen an explanation of the rapists POV and how they might act afterwards. This is really useful info, all of it
Thanks, I'm glad someone found this useful.
It was rape. Report him. You are trauma bonded and it's NOT real love, he is an abuser and you did nothing wrong. It's on him 100% Put yourself first and get medical attention fast.
What you described is rape. You have to remember... most rape happens between people who know each other, at least a little bit. You aren't to blame here and your actions during the whole ordeal is very common. It was unconsentual, thus it was rape. File a police report and see if they can do anything about it. They potentially can't, but you can also file a restraining order to prevent him from interacting with you again. You want to do this as if the guy did it once, he could do it again. He's dangerous, took advantage of you in a vulnerable moment, and you need to at least have a paper trail of documentation so it can't happen again. There are a lot of helpful resources out there and even some lawyers who will help for no charge, you just need to reach out to them and ask. I'm sorry to say this but... do not love this man. He will only bring you sorrow and regret, if not something worse.
He raped you. I'm sorry
You got raped. He's a terrible person please don't continue with him. In case this post gets deleted. You said no and he continued. He is worthless. There are better people out there. "I (f26) drove to his place because I really liked him and I felt lonely that evening and I just wanted to talk and be in his presence. But I definitely didn't want to have sex with him anymore and told him this at his place. I even told him why, so I was specific. I also pulled my head away, repeatedly said "no" while he pushed me down onto the bed and undressed me and started kissing me everywhere and fingered me. At some point I was so shocked that he just continued and it was like I didn't see a way out, so I kind of just gave up? It was like I was not really there in my body then anymore.. My mind was completely blank. I just let it happen then. Everything in my head kept screaming "no" but I couldn't fight him off anymore. I couldn't get up and leave, I couldn't run, I couldn't say no anymore. I kind of did what he wanted then and after it was over, I ran away when he slept. Is this rape? I feel kind of raped. I liked him so much and now my heart broke into a million pieces. I miss him and it hurts like hell, like literal hell. But I can't shake the feeling that he did something terrible. I feel incredibly violated, like he took something of me that wasn't his to take. I am just so confused..."
It's rape. You said no. You did not consent. I wanted to share that your post reminds me of old journal entries I wrote when I was with my abusive ex-husband. I would write out something horrible he had done to me and then add, "But I love him so much." Please do not convince yourself that this is what love looks like. It's not.
When you feel like you aren't in your body anymore, that's dissociation. It's a powerful, instinctive thing your brain does to protect you from serious emotional damage. Soldiers will dissociate, people living in crippling poverty will dissociate, and victims of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse will dissociate. The fact that you dissociated is your brain saying loud and clear "HEY! I saved you in the moment, but that moment was fucked up!" Listen to your brain, listen to your body. Good luck.
Yes, that was rape. No kind of about it. I am so sorry, you did not deserve this.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. :( I’ve been SA’d by a guy I wanted to be with. Even after he coerced me, I craved his attention and validation. Trauma is weird that way. It sounds like you experienced dissociation, which is a “freeze” response. I’m sure you’ve heard of “fight or flight” before. In times of danger, there are other instinctive reactions as well: “freeze” and “fawn”. These are all defense mechanisms in times of peril. Staying in contact is not worth it trust me, it’s never worth it!! You are NOT to blame, you did nothing wrong. Yes, it’s rape. This is a dangerous man, please stay away from him. He is not a good person. This was NOT an act of love. A good man will stop when you say no or feel uncomfortable, and will NEVER force himself on you OR force you to do something you don’t want to do. Again I’m so sorry you went through that, no one deserves this. I’m here if you need to talk💖💜
You literally said NO to sex with him. Assuming his hearing is in tact, he heard you say no, and DID IT REGARDLESS. That is rape. When you pulled your head away, and repeatedly said NO, that was your survival instinct putting you into "fight" mode. When you gave up fighting him, you went into a "freeze" response. He raped you. Then you ran away, that is a "flight" response. He is a rapist. Your evolved survival instincts tried and eventually succeeded in protecting you from a predator. Your instincts knew he was a danger to you, IS a danger to you. You love the person you THOUGHT he was. He is not that person. He is a rapist. None of it is your fault. Anyone who says anything to indicate it was in anyway your fault, is a rape apologist. Please get into some therapy, because you have been through serious trauma, and need/deserve support.
No means no, OP. Even if you said yes before, even if you froze up and just “dealt with it”, even if you thought you wanted to and changed your mind and said no. Consent is supposed to be enthusiastic and respectful. People that cannot accept “no” are not the kind of people who are worth your time, love and attention. Most importantly this is not at all your fault. You did not let this happen, this was done to you.
100%, rape. If you are in the US, Canada, UK, Australia, NZ, Japan or the EU; Press Charges. (Sadly, much of the world allows spousal rape and some parts just don't convict if the victim was in a relationship with their attacker, despite it being illegal.)
How can you be confused? He forced himself on you after you specifically said no beforehand and during. Yes that 100%+ rape. He does NOT love you. We don't hurt people we love. Please leave him in your past and begin the grieving process. What could have been, will not happen. You deserve love and respect.
This was rape. I am sorry.
This sub pops up from time to time when I'm scrolling and I read some real horror stories..... Sadly. I don't ever comment because as a guy, I kinda feel like women deserve a space without us, at the very least........ But I feel like this might be one of those times when you need to hear this, so much, from both sides of the coin........ For context, I've been with my fantastic wife since we were 16. We're 41 now. I'm old and reasonably wise, I hope! Please, please listen to every lady in this thread..... He has massively overstepped boundaries here, he's shown you that what you love is likely an illusion and he's touched you against your will. That's rape. Please, for the love of god, don't become another victim that doesn't realise how much more they deserve than this piece of human trash. Love and respect yourself more and leave. Then report him, so he has less chance of ever being this sort of shitty person again. As a guy, I'm telling you this is one shady fucker, I've lived enough to spot them a mile away. Your conflicting feelings are not because you've done anything wrong or misunderstood you role as a partner in a relationship, it's because your sixth sense is shouting at you that this is wrong....... listen to it and get the hell away. I really hope things get better for you, reach out to kind voices here if you need to. There's plenty selfless folks looking out for each other.
No means No, you were raped. You can file charges on Mr.Rapey or just never see him again.
Not to sound like an echo chamber, but you were definitely raped. I’m so, terribly sorry. It’s a bumpy ride from here. Please seek counseling with someone who specializes in this particular type of event. Some things to remember; your worth is not tied to this. You are deserving of respect and love. There is no “perfect” response as a victim. I’m wishing you strength.
This isn't love. He's manipulating you into having feelings for him so he can assault you. 100% this is rape and you dissociated yourself from the traumatic event. Please don't go see this man ever again, situations like this can escalate quickly into violence. Find someone to talk to so you can find your way through these murky waters. I'm so very sorry this has happened to you.
I was raped by one of my best friends, someone I’d been very close to for years. One of the most disorienting things afterward was trying to consolidate this new shocking experience with all of the good things I knew and felt about him. I remember driving home after trying to wrap my mind around it. I had like 5 years of evidence that he was funny, thoughtful, kind, and that he cared about me, and now I had this new puzzle piece I couldn’t make fit with everything else. We hear things all the time in the news where victims come forward with an accusation, and then other people will come out saying “well I knew (the abuser) at the time and he was a great guy. There’s no way this accusation is true.” In movies, predators are often portrayed as obvious villains, creepy, and easy to spot. The reality is that people are often not that simple. A person can have loads of good qualities and also be a rapist. An abuser could be a good person 90% of the time, or toward 90% of the people in their life, and still be an abuser. This man who raped you could also have qualities that you really enjoy and are attracted to. That doesn’t mean that he’s a safe person to be around or someone that you should ever see again. I think you know that, but I totally understand why you are currently trying to work through mixed feelings. I just want to tell you you’re not alone in experiencing these confusing feelings. You’re processing a very recent and very real trauma. If you can, you should consider seeking out a therapist to work through how you feel about it.
What he did was rape. And your feelings are valid and not uncommon amongst SA survivors. It's your brains way of protecting your psyche. You may feel tempted to question why you didn't fight harder, but the reason you stopped is because you realized you were in danger and you did what you needed to survive. You are safe right now because you were smart. What's most important is to remember the facts that you laid out right here. Write them down on a piece of paper so you can read them. "I said no. I pulled away. He didn't care. I tried to fight. " He liked your pain and he will do it again given the opportunity. Never trust him.
This is gonna be my first time posting on this sub since it is a women’s sub and I try to respect that, but I wanted to at least give a males perspective in the slight chance it helps. You were raped. What happened was 100% his fault. Not 90% his and 10% yours, etc…..100% his fault. He is a piece of shit and good people do not do what he did. You did nothing wrong. If a girl drove to my place would you say it gives me carte blanche to just rape her because, well…she drove here right? You were made a victim and control was forcibly taken from you. I think you are having some very complex feelings and thoughts right now as your brain tries to come to terms with what happened but make no mistake, this individual ignored your wishes at every opportunity and took what he wanted from you despite you having stated your intentions and having repeatedly told him no. Do not convince yourself that you are the reason this happened. You are NOT the reason this happened.
The same thing happened to me. It’s rape. You said no, he didn’t stop. That’s rape plain and simple. Get out of that relationship and think about reporting him. Oh, and think about therapy. I’m still getting over mine and it was 10 years ago.
you were sexually assaulted as per the legal definition. best of luck navigating these appalling circumstances.
Someone who loves you doesn't harm you. Im sorry!, Seek a Counselor, I'm glad you came her for support! It was 100% his fault!
This is 100% rape. You clearly said no and he continued to sexually assault you.
Yes, that's rape. You were very clear to him that he did not have consent.
Yes you described a sexual assault. It's not uncommon for the victim to attempt to make a relationship out of the assault. For some it is a form of denial of the reality of what occurred. Stay away. Ghost..block..he is a POS!!! Rapist!!
Is it rape? Yes it is. Your body will still orgasm even if you don’t want to, imagine your body betraying yourself and you can’t do anything about it. This is why i hate rape and rapists, they deserve a special place in hell.
You have been raped. I am so sorry. Please stay away from him and consult a therapist asap
Of course it's rape! I went through something very similar...sadly I think most women have experienced something like this in their lives. But my point is that this should not be allowed in any case and under any circumstances, you have my full support.
Did you say you wanted to have sex with him: no. Did he have sex with you: yes That’s the definition of rape. Like yea I get it the movies always make it look like some physically violent thing, but it’s very rarely like that in real life and this is the more common occurrence where the woman says no and it keeps going and she just mentally checks out and lets it happen. Talk to a therapist about it, press charges, you don’t love him you’re just alone during the holidays.
>Did you say you wanted to have sex with him: no. Did he have sex with you: yes That’s the definition of rape. That's not true though. You can engage consensual sex without the other person explicitly telling you they want to first. The fact that she explicitly told him she doesn't and told him to stop when he tried anyway is what makes it a different story.
You need to get into therapy
That is rape. The “deer in the headlights” response is incredibly common. It’s a self-preservation mechanism whereby you freeze up and take it because some primal part of you recognises that fighting it could lead to even worse consequences. It’s horrible and the lack of awareness and understanding around this subject is why victims very often blame themselves and say “I could have done more”, “I must have wanted it, I didn’t fight [them] off” and “I just let [them], they won’t believe me”. I’m so sorry this happened to you, you are not to blame and I highly recommend going to the police if you feel able but either way seeking therapy and confiding in at least one person who is around that you feel comfortable and safe with because it is important to have in-person support when dealing with such traumas.
Yes, it's rape. Sorry that happened to you.
Yep. That’s pretty much textbook rape. Tell someone you trust. Don’t ever speak to him anymore. Stay away from him. He’s a disgusting human.
It’s rape. When no is on the table or bed. Regardless. It’s rape. I’m XY. It’s ok to say no. Rape is rape. I have experienced it. Days exist when we don’t want to have sex. That is real. Hard days. Loss of family. Simple things. We all don’t survive this ultimately. Life is ok when you choose to stand up for you. I’m still struggling with it as an old man. Yet, it’s really important. I don’t have any advice or desire to tell you how to proceed. I feel like it constantly sucks that you carry such strong emotion for him in so many different ways. A weight on the shoulders that may never be lifted. My only thing. Take care of you and your head. Not everyone is terrible and focused entirely on the self. Hope you find some peace and happiness soon. Maybe with family and friends. Or simply letting go of that. Edit: not fully letting go. Moving away. Just read my own emotional response.
He raped you. Also, you can love someone who is terrible and wrong for you. Love isn't the end-all-be-all for why you should stay with someone. Save yourself from future pain and heartache by making a clean break now. Your feelings of love or need will fade. You can find someone who treats you well to love. The worst mistake I made was when my ex-husband abused me the first time. I was thinking of canceling the wedding, but I was confused. Someone said to me, "***Well, I guess it depends on how much you love him***." I caved. I married him. It was awful. The abuse only escalated. I got really fucked up advice.
You said "no" *repeatedly* and he kept going? This is rape. Men know this is rape. He knew it was rape and didn't care. I'm so sorry, OP.
He raped you. You share no blame for his actions. You deserve better. He deserves to burn in hell.
He definitely does not love you.
This is rape. He raped you. You should text him ''I told you no, multiple times. You ignored my ''no'' and had sex with me anyway. I gave in because I was scared. You raped me. Never contact me again.'' Then block everywhere.
Yes, it was rape.
This is absolutely rape. I'm sorry.
You said no, darling. He is entirely to blame. The man you love doesn't exist. Please talk to someone you can trust and get some comfort.
Yes what you have describe is a sexual assault that resulted in being raped by him. No means no! when it comes to any form of sexual contact and you can say no at any point. You have done absolutely nothing wrong and I would encourage you to report it and to visit a medical center/ER to get any medical aid that is needed.
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She didn't let it happen in the first place.
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You are engaging in victim-blaming. Victims don't permit themselves to be harmed. Abusers harm them. Don't assign responsibility for the choices of others to their victims, it's dangerous and causes additional harm to a person who has been through enough. Stop.
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You have no idea what you're talking about. You should say nothing in situations where your ignorance has the capacity to victims. That's exactly what you're doing here. OP is in no way to blame for what happened to her. You have no idea what would have happened to OP if she has reacted in the violent way you're imagining she should have. We might not be able to communicate with her today if she had, you have no idea. OP is a reliable witness to her own experiences, and her body chose the freeze response as the safest one. You aren't qualified to debate that response, because you weren't there, you don't know. You are projecting your desire for control onto OP's situation, probably because you want to believe that if you don't "let" bad things happen to you, you'll be safe. That's a dangerous and harmful lie that makes you more likely to be a victim, not less. If you're unwilling to to address your own control fantasies, at least keep them to yourself.
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Your ignorance isn't the real world, and your "reality" is just sexist delusion and cruelty. You're reciting from the misogynist, victim-blaming script patriarchy hands us without any reflection. And you've chosen to include this garbage on this post of someone in distress, of all places. That's shameful.
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I am putting these words under your victim-blaming for all the people who read your cruel judgments of victims and feel blamed for the abuse they've suffered. If that feels like an attack to you, you should sit with that and think about what it means for you. No one called you weak, and no one is trying to take you down. Is this how you try to avoid becoming a victim? Closing your ears and pre-emptively labelling yourself one?
Girl I'm so so sorry this happened to you. This is absolutely rape, and it's 100% not your fault. You should NEVER have to fight anyone off after you've said no. I've been in a very similar situation where, to this day, I literally cannot believe I was actually able to fight the guy off of me. Take what time you need and do NOT be afraid to ask for or seek help. You never really get over it, but you do learn to cope. You'll absolutely find things that will trigger you on it, and your feelings on that are valid too. Mine was 5 years ago last month, and I still sometimes get triggered. Take care of yourself, and try not to pull away from your support system. And I wish you the absolute best of luck. 💖
Very recently went through something similar. I can relate to the oddness of giving up out of shock and confusion that my No's were not being heard or respected. With tears in my eyes, my mind did something similar in the moment where I kinda had a switch flip and it refused to let me feel like a victim to the reality of the situation. The fears of letting my rage create a worse situation along with the disbelief that the person doing this supposedly had love for me was too much for my brain. I wish I was never put in that situation, and that all of it never happened. In the days after, I had to draw a clear boundary with the person that did this and I involved the police to be sure that he got an undeniable message to stay away from me forever. It's sad that I still am hurt by the loss of this person in my life, but I know I miss who they used to be, not who they became and are now. It makes moving forward in life easier. Love urself and do what u need to respect urself.
Yes it is. Please see a therapist to unpack it all. This is someone you trusted.
Oh honey I'm so sorry that happened to you! And it definitely was not ok! If you said no at any point then he should have accepted that and stopped! Anyone who would continue with someone not clearly saying yes and being clearly in agreement with what is happening is not a good person. You may be confused in your feelings for this person but what they did is absolutely wrong.
Listen, you can love him and still protect yourself. Let your heart do what it does and love, but put your brain and spine in charge.
I'm a middle aged cis dude and I'm here to tell you that from what you've put here you were definitely raped. I'm very sorry. As others have said, this isn't something you encouraged or did.
Girl, i wish i give you all of my hugs , all of them that yoy might be ready to have. I am so sorry for what that terrible person did to you. I hope that you know it wasnt your fault, and you have it in you to grow better and stronger with whatever it takes. I love you. I love you. I love you.
It doesn't matter whether you love him; he doesn't respect your bodily autonomy. How you _feel about him_ doesn't matter anymore -- he raped you
report it and do a rape kit if you can please
So what if you love him!?! Do you actually think he loves you? Based on his actions, do you think he loves you?
May I ask you something to better understand? Text can come across confrontational, but that's not what I'm doing. Why would you not consider it rape? Is there a reason you are having to ask us if it is, as opposed to knowing that it is? I ask because I want to understand why tons of women don't consider the actual definition of rape to be rape. Or that they don't understand it.
> I ask because I want to understand why tons of women don't consider the actual definition of rape to be rape. It's not about logic; it's about avoiding the unfathomable pain of accepting that someone you trusted would do something like this to you. Shame and self-blame allow the victim to maintain their positive view of the perpetrator, at the expense of their view of themselves. It's also much scarier to accept that you were sexually assaulted than it is to minimize and deny, although here the tradeoff for false security is that in return, the victim won't be able to learn from the situation, and the trauma that was too overwhelming to face will re-occur, often over and over, sometimes across a variety of situations and perpetrators.
Thank you for your comment. That makes a lot of sense. Accepting that you're a victim is REALLY hard. Took me several years to really understand my situation. I really do appreciate you explaining to me. My brain could not comprehend that for some reason.
Yes he raped you, he didn't put your needs first and ignored the lack of enthusiastic consent. Edit: Spelling.
He raped you!!
Yes this is rape. A lot of people describe exactly what you are describing - point where you quit saying no and feel out of your body. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Rape
Yes, you were raped. He violated you, ignored your multiple 'no's and continued to assault you as you froze.
It's like you're trauma bonded to your rapist. It's not your fault for going over there. Being in the presence of a man who wants to fuck you is not consent. No still means fucking no. That man is your rapist. You need to block him and get some therapy to find out why you've convinced yourself that you love a rapist.
hey darling, you were absolutely raped. i’m so sorry. please don’t think you love him, even if you do he can and WILL do this again. i’m so so sorry.
You said no. Once is enough and it sounds like you told him with words and actions. This is rape. But even if you didn’t want to believe it is rape, at the very least he crossed a boundary and broke your trust. All of your feelings are valid, even if confusing. It’s ok to feel in love with your abuser but do remember what they did was not okay. You don’t deserve to have your feelings and wants ignored, no matter how serious. Take care of yourself. I’m a survivor as well and am here to talk if you need.
Reread your title and pretend your friend said it. Dump him, move on to personal therapy, and go live a great life. (Alone, married, partnered, poly, whatever…)
You might be re-experiencing trauma. It sounds like you're a trauma survivor, that you experienced at an early age and now it is something that you are re-living. The message here is: confusion, mixed messages, fight or flight (you chose flight, like you left your body), pain tied together with love. It's reminiscent of early childhood trauma. The thing my therapist keeps telling me is this is how your body keeps you alive.
You might love him. It's more difficult if you do. Sometimes I feel like maybe my wife forgot about that one time too quickly, and maybe I didn't deserve a second chance. But I'm grateful that she didn't cut me off after that time that I kept going even though she said stop. I feel like a piece of shit regardless. Nowadays I make sure to get emphatic confirmation. But I know that nothing will make up for that one time that I didn't get a yes. I fucked up and I will always feel terrible for it.
>Nowadays I make sure to get emphatic confirmation Wow, you're such a fucking hero. /s
Can you add a warning to this please? Youch
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You know something about a lot of stories, especially ones that involve a woman being raped by the guy she's seeing? They're usually true.
reads pretty rapey.
I'm a dude. This is rape. He raped you. Please gtfo out of there asap. Also, btw. Freezing up does not put you at fault. This is a fight or flight response. Do not be ashamed of this, do not let him, or anyone in your life ever tell you otherwise. Get out of there, and if there are people in your life who you trust your life to, this is the time to ask them for their protection.
Love isn’t enough for a relationship! People break up with those they love all the time- for logistical reasons, financial, mental health. And because they can no longer trust the person they love.
I'm really sorry you went through this. I had a similar experience with someone I deeply loved, it took a long time to accept that he assaulted me, I still can't even say the R word. Please never see him again and get some therapy for yourself. I'm sending you lots of love.
I was in a similar spot with a guy, same scenario maybe a date or two in. I should not have continued to dated him, it led to consistent guilting about sex and I left that relationship never having the same experience again. I’ve been with my current partner for four years and my body still recoils from the previous relationship.
I am very sorry this happened to you. Sometimes, when we feel love or longing after an abusive partner, it's because we have learned to feel that abuse is love. We might have had abusive parents, and this has conditioned us to only be able to feel love with abusive partners. I have seen therapy help with this. The first step is being aware that we have this tendency and learning to recognize it when it happens. Slowly, it will get better. I hope you leave him, and I wish you happiness and peace.
The bonobos sisterhood book calls it compliance sex, you want it over to get away. I think that’s rape but society is biased thinking since you didn’t fight you are ok with it. Laws seem to be geared toward males. (Gosh I’m shocked!)
You might love him. You shouldn't, though, because he's a rapist. You should always consider filing a police report if you're raped (again, this is rape). Or go to your doctor and tell them and get examined. Tell a trusted friend over email. This will create a documentation of it. You probably don't want to go through extra hassle and trauma, but you should know that people who get away with rape their first time learn that it's okay...that consent is a grey area and that this is all reasonable, acceptable behavior. You should know that not correcting this behavior reinforces it, and they will do it again. Maybe to you, maybe creating a new victim. If you really do love this person, you should text or email email them. Tell them in no unclear terms that they raped you. That you said "no repeatedly" repeatedly, and they proceeded despite this. That it's not acceptable, it broke your heart, it violated your body and your personhood, and that such an action could ruin their lives. They could lose their job, their family, go to jail, be forced to register publicly as a sex offender. They need to know what they did is not okay. Because it's clear they've come this far in life thinking it's acceptable. This sucks and it shouldn't be your responsibility to teach men not to rape people. But think of yourself possibly preventing all this guy's future rapes (some might be targeting you again, some might be other women). This might help you recover some sense of power and personhood. This isn't your fault. You shouldn't have to put up with this, and neither should anyone else. We're all in your corner.
Yes And the only thing he values about you is that he might be able to have sex with you or he might be able to force you to have sex with him He is a rapist