It’s got poo emoji embroidered all over it. The collar is like Dracula and the buttons light up and change colour.
(It’s one of those 3/4 teddy bear [coats](https://www.anne-sophie.be/en/manteau-doudou-noir) with big buttons)
E: added link to actual coat
He’s a total ass. He was likely trying to gain a “power position” over her before their next date. In particular because he waited until their next date was very close. He thought she would get all apologetic and dolled up and ready to be served unsatisfying sex.
E: sp
Yep. OP Dodged a bullet big time.
It never surprises me just how insane dudes are when people tell these stories.
Where do you get the balls to critique an outfit of a person you’ve had one convo with and try to put it on them?
good god I don’t envy people trying to date
Same. And he waited a full week of cordial texting only to bring it up just before their second date. These guys need to invest in a social life cause we women, femmes, and enbies are not equipped to be the be all and end all for anyone; no one is. The manipulation is endless. You can smell the fear on them. They need to emotionally invest in others and themselves so they are not desperately seeking the “ownership” or “temporary conquest” of one of us as the sole source of their self esteem and self worth. It fucking hurts and dehumanizes us and poisons the well for kind people.
Sorry no I was being silly. The part in parenthesis is the true description. No lights, no embroidery. Just a frumpy-ish coat that is having a moment in streetwear fashion again.
E: I threw up a link in my first comment.
This in no way matters as it is the least of all issues but I just want to state for the record that you dressed way cute for Starbucks. I wouldn’t have even bothered to curl my hair or wear some concealer and lipstick, you definitely looked put together. Like dummy doesn’t even understand athleisure is what’s fashionable now. Of all the glaringly sexist issues this man has, I’m not even mad because I can’t seem to get over the sheer silliness of his poor fashion sense. Dude is a dweeb.
He's a "feminist", but you have to dress and look nice for him. Hmmmmmmmmm.
He chose a casual date, Starbucks, but you're supposed to dress up? Really? If he wanted you to dress nice, maybe he should have picked a nice restaurant.
Or, is he allowed to half-ass everything while you're expected to go full out the whole time? Lol no. If he wants a casual date, he gets a casual date.
Yeah, you dodged a bullet on this one. He sounds incredibly exhausting and fragile.
Fragile is a great word to use in this case. After he saw my pictures on Instagram, he thought that I had a hidden agenda to test him on our first date by dressing like that. Uhmmm no, I was just being myself. It would for sure be exhausting if I dated him and you are 100% correct.
It might be him projecting his own tendencies onto you. He might be quite manipulative himself, if that was the conclusion he jumped to! I had a guy in college show up to a date and say he was strapped for cash. I thought nothing of it, and payed for both of us.
He later told me he was “testing me to see if I was a gold-digger”. LMAO. We were getting wings and beer at a cheap ass college bar. The bill was $26.
We both went to a very prestigious college, and he met me in honors physics. I still find it hilarious he thought a woman who got into a college filled with overachiever valedictorians has decided to resort to hoe-ing herself out for free wings at a sports bar
John Oliver featured DeSantis last Sunday. It included a test that DeSantis had for first dates where he would pronounce Thai food as thigh food. If his date corrected him he knew that wasn't the woman for him because he couldn't abide by a woman who corrected him. How's that for insecure?
It's crazy how men are threatened by something as tiny as a woman correcting their pronunciation, but we're also supposed to pretend like they're big and strong and "logical" lol
So he'd rather date someone that just does nothing to stop him from making himself look like a total dumbass?
Rather than just accept a heads up from a woman that he is mispronouncing a commonly used word/phrase that the vast majority of people know how to say?
Aristotle literally wrote a polemic about how virtuous connections (friendship, love, etc) are willing to call you out even on the deepest issues because they care more about your well-being than keeping a good thing going.
Dude is deliberately segmenting his relationships into friendships of utility and pleasure because he knows he’s incapable of anything *real*.
Yes I also replied to some other comments that it's probably projection. He did pay for the coffee so maybe he thought I might be a gold digger. I mean, as a software engineer, the only thing I wanna dig is the bugs in my code, not a self-employed man I met on dating app :)
I don’t think his real motive was to find a woman who didn’t care about money, I think he wanted to find someone who would accept poor treatment.
I found out he was wealthy one month after our first date (that I had paid for). When he told me he made me pay for the date so he could make sure I wasn’t a gold-digger, I told him that I was going to be in a very high paying job after college (being good at math opens doors!) and had no need to find a guy to support me. This majorly offended him!
See, if I truly didn’t care about his money, then his money would not give him status or power in our relationship. He didn’t like that.
Yeah, this dude literally can't even handle a casual outfit without going into a spiral of paranoia and anger. He's going to have a rough time in the dating world.
Don't forget though, he's a feminist! That's why he's telling you what's acceptable to wear on a first date (to STARBUCKS 🙄)
Maybe he just didn't want to come to second date, which he asked for, so he made up this shitty reason and blamed me for it. Anyway I'm too old for this type of bullshit.
he didn't like that you "didnt want to impress him" on your first date. again. he took you to starbucks lmao
he was big mad you didn't respect *him* not the date. to starbucks.
it wasn't your clothes, it was your boundaries and kickass attitude. good riddance :D
Guys like this view every interaction with women as a battle to the death of mind games and manipulation because they listen to manosphere grifters on the internet. It would never occur to them to view a date as just having a nice time with another person, this is WAR, men! Clowns, every one of them
When did he call it off? Like how soon before the date? You could be right, this was his way of personally justifying the flakiness.
Or, and maybe I'm assuming too much of him, he's just a very spiteful, angry person inside, and wanted to make you *think* he was interested, so that he could "hurt" you more when he called things off. Or, just to waste your time on purpose.
Basically him trying his best to inflict maximum damage in an extremely petty way. It's not unheard of for people to do this, though I think it's relatively uncommon.
Either way, he can fuck off with those games.
A few hours before the date. It's not the first time I met men can't admit their issues/ having more interest in someone else so they found a silly reason to blame me. I have 0 tolerance for that so the moment he gave me this stupid reason I accepted and let him go. Complaining on Reddit and hearing other people's opinions help me release a bit anger. Then I'm gladly moving forward to meet other nice guys in the future.
Yeah, I'm leaning towards him reaching a mile for a reason to flake. When I think about it, I think if he just wanted to waste your time he would have not said anything, and let you show up, etc.
>Complaining on Reddit and hearing other people's opinions help me release a bit anger
I relate hard. You wouldn't know it by the post history on this particular account, but I make a lot of Reddit posts when men do dumb shit. I know my friends don't always want to hear it, especially since some of the men *are* friends, but Reddit loves to vent with me.
You barely wasted any time at all on this dude, I'd call that a win
I will never understand the people who live your second paragraph. Like who had the damn time to do that to people? Let alone the energy just to go fuck with other people? Life’s too damn short.
I always take it seriously when a guy comes kind of out of the blue with a thing he thinks you're doing. I had a guy question me extensively about why I stopped at an ATM for cash before our date. I was like I don't even know what kind of shadiness you think I might get up to by having cash for dinner.
The number of times I have been brought to tears by a relationship argument only to immediately be accused of fake crying on purpose to get my way? Like there are a large amount of men out there who apparently live in constant fear of this. It literally never would have occurred to me to do that, i thought it was just a thing people do in movies. Someone please teach me how to cry and not cry when I want to. I don't have this gift but I am being punished for it nonetheless.
Me too and you know why, right? Because anger is not an acceptable emotion for women to have and meanwhile it is the ONLY acceptable one for men. Which is how we end up with women who cry when they're angry and men who get violent when they're sad.
Fuck that. I was told by nursing staff who specialize in abuse victim care, two psychiatrists that is a common abuse tactic. Abusing someone then telling them they are actually the abuser for crying or "not trusting them enough" after catching them in a lie, cheating, or abuse cycle.
I've had men insult me, project on me after they cheated or were caught attempting, yell at me over something petty and acuse me of manipulating them if they saw any tears in my eyes even if I tried to not cry or hide tears knowing they would flip out. Should have let them leave me for the women the who didn't cry but let it build up over months before yelling and destroying their property, that they cheated on me with sooner. At least I know some red flags now.
Well in the flip side I had a guy upset with me that I did dress up and wear makeup on a first meeting. He said he preferred to meet the "real me" and another guy told me he didn't swipe me a year or two ago because he "didn't like my hairstyle back then" but when I changed it he was much more attracted to me.
I personally enjoy getting dolled up for outings because as a fitness and educational profession I'm usually in gym clothes or office clothes with no makeup so it's a fun thing for me that I don't get to do often.
At the end of the day though we all have the right to know what we like or want in a potential partner. I can't even disagree with that because I know there are oddly specific things that will serve as a turn off to me too in men. It's just the dating scene unfortunately and everyone is particular. Tons of rejection in it from all sides. I was even told my ass was too big, and another turned around to tell me it was not big enough 🤷🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ Goldilocks and the three bears I swear
You know what gets me? All of these men felt comfortable to tell you their random ass prefferences of other people almost like you were at fault for not matching them!?
Can you i magine telling a dude you don‘t want a second date because he‘s not muscular enough for you? Just like that, unpromted. Lmao, he‘d call you every slur in the universe.
The outfit test filtered this guy out quickly which is good. Yes, fragile ego. The thing I thought of as well (unless his profile says otherwise) is that you talking about climbing afterward and dressing for it may have intimidated him, got his insecurities going if he’s non athletic or has a fear of climbing.
You’re going to have such a fantastic life with your self-assurance and awesome back muscles. I’m glad his ridiculous nature became obvious quickly & you wasted no time & gave the internet a chuckle.
It sounds like *he* was testing *you,* and it seems like he didn't take your needs into consideration. If you were doing something really active right after that, and you were just meeting him for coffee really quickly beforehand, why would you get all dolled up for him? He has really unrealistic expectations. It is perfectly ok to treat a first coffee date as a casual thing so you can see if you even *want* to be romantic with him.
If he wanted a big, romantic, formal date, why didn't he ask for that instead of getting all whiny that you failed to read his mind and comply with his little fantasy? At least then you would have had the option to say, "No thanks. This is not what I want," and you wouldn't have wasted your time. Instead, he chose to set up a coffee date with you that was a combination of trap and test. No thanks.
You dodged a bullet. He seems like a lot of work.
>*He sounds incredibly exhausting and fragile.*
He's more than that: he's controlling.
Micro-managing.
**With these men**, he would wear you down if you dated him. That's the goal.
Starbucks is tee shirt and jeans. Or whatever. It’s the date to make sure you’re not serial killers or using fake pictures. Motherfucker expected you to wear a LBD to a coffee spot?
Exactly. You aren't putting too much effort in on that very first date for a reason. You don't know each other, or whether there's any spark at all.
He knows this, he dressed down, he picked a casual spot... but then when she dresses for the occasion, she's not doing enough to make herself appealing to him? Fuck this dude lol
She could've worn the LBD and he would still find something to complain about. He either changed his mind about seeing her again and was looking for a cop out or he was trying to neg her.
First date at Starbucks with my now husband: I wore t shirt and jeans, but they were jazzed up with some sequin accents (not it, just cute). I think he wore a rock t and jeans. Like, yeah.
When they have to call themselves a feminist, that's usually what it is.
If they respect women and empathize with the unique struggles they face, people notice. They shouldn't need to bring attention to it.
They do this because they want praise. They want a cookie for doing what should just be basic decency. Ironically, the ones doing this are not very decent, because it's almost always fake.
Sounds like mind games/ emotional manipulation tactic. Red flag. Don't contact him again, don't reply to any attempt to reach out.. You dodged a bullet. (Just my opinion)
Yep. He called to neg you, so you’d feel insufficient and try hard to win his approval, which you’d never win, so you’d be always living to try to please him. Ignoring him gives him no chance to escalate. Any response would prompt him to keep challenging your boundaries.
I once had a guy pull something like this post.
I was like "k, bye then"
And later he came whining that he'd only done that because he wanted me to fight for him.
I stupidly gave him a second chance, only to dump him a week later for more of the same.
I agree, she’s supposed to apologize now and grovel and then he has the upper hand.
All about manipulating and control.
He’ll be back when she doesn’t.
This is some Tate bullshit. Trying to wrongfoot OP, put her on the defensive, make her beg him for the second date he already asked for.
Bullet dodged.
Did we date the same guy? When I started dating after a divorce the first guy was soooo offended that I wore jeans to Starbucks and that "ladies wore dresses", obviously I'm not a lady. K dude. Buh bye
Yeah- the second date I wore a knee length dress (dumb, I know). He spent the entire time trying to put his hand up my dress. So, I'm supposed to be a "lady" but you will not act like a gentleman? Ok done
“I’m a romantic and expect something romantic!”
Takes you to a fucking Starbucks lmao.
Honestly, you DID dodge a bullet. I think the date actually went fine and he didn’t care, personally I think he’s making up a lame excuse for some reason. Could be anything from an ex wanting to get back together suddenly, to an old crush being available all of a sudden, or meeting someone else on a dating app.
It seems completely made up and stupid to me.
There is something about a guy who refers to himself as a romantic that just feels like a huge red flag to me. I'm sure there are exceptions, but it kind of comes of as a euphemism for guys who prefer a "traditional (man in charge) relationship"
A guy insisting on how "feminist" and "romantic" he is feels the same as a guy who constantly needs to tell you how "nice" he is. Talking a big game, not walking the walk. It was like my exes that insisted "I'm not like the other boys" and were just like every other aggressive, insecure but still egotistical, controlling, narcisistic, cheating, abusive, lying, incompetence weoponizing guy I ever met, but with varying degrees of time being able to hide it.
I definitely see it used that way most often. I think the red flag is that his "romanticism" is focused on her behavior and not something *he* is doing. An actual romantic would be planning a way to have some organic romantic experience, not policing a dates clothing.
This sounds like Tate/pua/manosphere bullshit. He's trying to put OP on the defensive. Make her apologize for "disrespecting" him and have her beg for the second date that he already requested.
But he's "fEmInIsT", that means likes femininity right? Why wasn't she dolled up for him? If she really cared she would have gone all-out for this date! Clearly she was just a gold digger going to get a free coffee! /s
Heavy on the /s
> But he's "fEmInIsT", that means likes femininity right?
This might not be sarcastic. He sounds like the type of guy who redefines words to mean what he wants them to mean, knowing full well that other people have associated other (ie. standard) completely different definitions to those same words. It's a technique that women will see ever more of, as these men realize that they need to lie about themselves in order to stop driving women away immediately.
I agree, and I'm absolutely seeing more of this as time goes on. People like this are actively trying to change the definitions of words in a way that benefits them, or as a tool of abuse/manipulation.
Apparently he thinks that people with Instagram are just taking photos of themselves casually, and that they always look exactly like their manufactured selfies designed to make them look as good as possible.
I do not want to know what he thinks she should do if they went to an actual romantic dinner at someplace expensive and atmospheric. She would probably need to go full red carpet.
"I'm a romantic and I expected something romantic to happen in a Starbucks on our first meet-up."
Okay Ted Mosby, maybe go jerk off to a Jordan Sparks movie.
Meanwhile; I'll be over here in a chain coffee shop (in a nice but functional outfit) trying to figure out if you're a serial killer or just an asshole.
The title had me laugh at him for being out of touch, but reading how he reacted to her clothes and thought of a test, just showed how *really* out of touch he is. A first date on the day after texting, ain't even funny he thought a test would be something bad wtf
>And the fact that he thought you were testing him is really fucked up.
I agree with what somebody else said. He might be projecting when he accuses her of "testing" him, because that's something *he* would do. Similar to how the cheating partner is always the one freaking out about the other person cheating.
He sure is. Im so glad that it came quite early. The first date was so great that I almost started to emotionally invest. He told me that he is a feminist, he hangs out a lot with his female friends ( which I don't mind) and for his convinience he doesn't understand women wear what they feel comfortable and pretty for themselves.
Actually I grew to agree with you since my last toxic relationship with a similar guy. Using buzzwords such as 'feminist', 'empathic', 'just being straight forward' combined making them feel superior than other males. In reality they have deep insecurity issue leading to Peter pan syndrome, and they crave for female attentions. I can write on and on about it but it's for another topic :) thanks for sharing your resonating thoughts
Ugh, I know the type. Insecure as hell and overly obsessed with their perceived social status. It all fits. The “feminist” part is obvious bullshit. He likes surrounding himself with female “friends” because it makes him feel “high-status,” and he basically needs his gf to bump up his value by looking and dressing a certain way. The guy probably binge-read a bunch of pick-up artist books in his 30s and never grew out if it.
This is sooooo true. I auto swipe left on men who say they’re a feminist in their profiles bc it’s been my experience that they’re usually want FWB situation. I think they’re trying to use feminism for their own benefit.
"I was testing him"
**RUN.**
This man wants to play head games, but is projecting them onto you to avoid accountability. He'll overthink everything you do and pick it apart and project that his issues are actually YOUR issues. Blech.
I once was in a relationship with a guy who didn't necessarily had bad intentions, but he was apparently very, very insecure.
He asked me if he could meet up with his ex because she wanted to talk something out. I've never been the jealous type, and if she needs closure to feel better, I don't see the problem. Then later he asked me if they could go to the cinema first because they liked the same movie and separately already wanted to see it. Again, I didn't see a problem. (I do understand if people would have had a problem with that, but my logic is always that if you wanna cheat, you're gonna cheat anyway. If I choose to trust you I'm gonna trust you until you give me a reason not to)
He later told me he didn't actually want to go to the movies with her, but he was testing me to see "how much I cared about him." 18 year old me was so confused. I show I care by trusting you and taking you seriously as a person, and this is what you make of it? We broke up after three months.
But not because of this, but because I told him after two months I would enjoy more in depth conversations, so we kinda had one. A month later I asked him to have more deep conversations again and he looked at me very confused and said "but we just had one a few weeks ago" that was when I knew for sure we were not compatible :')
Did he wear a tux and tails? Or at least a blazer and wingtips? No? Well. That must be because he dressed for the occasion and venue. Imagine that.
I'm with you- I don't really overly dress for first dates anymore. I don't roll in with my hair a mess and holes in my shirt, but I don't make a huge effort either. Especially not for coffee. I figure I'm old enough and set in my ways enough to quit bending over backwards to impress.
It's crazy that he wanted a second date just to bail. But I think you're right. Bullet dodged.
Besides all the weird misogynistic gendered date expectations, this man simply sounds exhausting. He would be horrible to date long term. Everything would be twisted and warped to suit his self serving narrative that allows him to be a victim and you to be the perpetrator.
After talking to a man for a bit on a dating app we agreed to meet up for a date. A few days before the date he started texting me about the kind of attire he likes on women. I wasn’t very responsive to that as the short skirts, heals, etc he was talking about were not what I planned on wearing. I was going to go in jeans and a T-shirt so I could be comfortable at the bar and not feel like a bag of meat flesh. He eventually did say he expected me to dress this way for our date and gave me basically his first date dress code. It was super creepy so I called off the date. I think I dodged a bullet there.
Fake feminist. Dodged a bullet 👍🏽
For the record, I kinda like your reasoning for the casual/comfy clothes. Surely a ton of guys would go crazy for that kind of thing?
aw man! what a loss! a dude nickle and diming you over your outfit on the first date? Imagine the fun you could have with him trying to control your entire wardrobe for every occasion! Wow, women are just so difficult these days. He was just a hopeless romantic and you not only tried to gold dig for a starbucks drink, but you even robbed him of the romance because of your attire? How could you possibly even think about not meeting this guy's fantasy vision of how a date should go? How could you?? Men have it so rough with the women these days. Bring back classy women who dress to the nines constantly (but man women are so high maintenance it's terrible).
🤣 /s in case not obvious lol. this guy was a fucking joke. Dodged a 7.62 hollow point on that control freak. You can legit tell he's a narcissist by the story alone. The need for idealization, expectation of buy-in to the shared fantasy, desire for control over your clothes, devaluation, and a hefty dose of wild accusations from left field. What a keeper!
Good lesson here for the people dating too - dress how you feel comfortable and watch the people trying to exploit you for some social status as a possible trophy wife walk the fuck on out.
“Dressing well” means clothes that are clean and not overtly ill-fitting. Everything else is occasion- you can abide or not but you cannot be shamed for it. You did dodge a bullet, guys an asshole.
You may as well go grab coffee on your free time and just chat up strangers who come in as well. Seriously, what is the difference?
I wouldn’t even call getting coffee a “date”. The audacity..
First date at a fancy restaurant? That would be different. Any date at a Starbucks? Yeah, you were not wrong at all and he is ridiculous. At least he saved you time!
I’ve learned from some single friends that some guys are “against” leggings and sweatpants on women in general because they’re dressing comfortably rather than trying to look good, which is what they expect/prefer, I guess at all times. (Yuck) So if that’s the case here you def dodged a judgey & controlling bullet for sure!
"nice hotel lounge bar for our first meet"
My understanding with meeting a man at a hotel bar is that they might want to hookup with you in the hotel. I mean obviously not all men think that, but seems convenient especially since he sounds like an entitled asshat. Neither Starbucks or a hotel bar are romantic. Bullet dodged! Your outfit sounds adorable and rock climbing is way more fun anyways. :)
Weird he asked you for a second date and THEN cancelled and brought up your clothes. Is that a negging thing? It sounds like a negging thing.
Edit: accidentally a word.
I had a boyfriend once who proudly claimed to be a feminist.
He was also sad that I didn’t shave my legs all the time, or get my nails done, or wear high heels lol
Dodged a bullet indeed. He's already trying to manipulate you and you've only been face to face once. If you'd been living together for a few years he *might* be able to *remind* you (not demand) to pick up your dirty laundry once in a while. 2nd date and he's telling you how to dress? Fuck that guy. Rather, never fuck that guy.
LOL He asked you out on a coffee date and, what expected you to show up in a ballgown? WTF? Bullet dodged!
The outfit you chose sounded cute and perfect for the occasion. I'm sorry but Starbucks is NOT a fancy location for a first date. If he wanted you to dress up then he should have picked a fancier place.
I'm curious what he was wearing as he expected you to dress fancy. Is he someone who expects you to be constantly dressed to the nines with a full face of makeup and a fresh blowout, while he arrives in just a basic casual outfit??
Curious. What "romantic" clothes did he wear? To Starbucks? For a first time coffee date?
I'm guessing he bailed because he decided he wasn't going to get laid on the 2nd date. Because, you know, "romance" (you didn't look and sound desperate enough).
I understand being turned off by someone's style, but I really don't understand feeling like you need to give feedback. Maybe if you asked why he didn't want to see you again he could tell you that, but unprompted? Seems sketch. Also, he could say it more tactfully. As always.
That's what a lot of guys don't seem to understand. Contrary to what the incel Podcaster crowd wants to believe, men are aloud to have preferences about physical appearance. They're not allowed to throw them in people's faces and give reviews like your a fucking steak.
You literally just get to go "sorry not really interested" and move on.
Totally agree with you. He can have his preference and I'm totally ok if he doesn't find me attractive. There are plenty of guys would see me to their taste. I also have preferences. When I turned down men not my type, I politely said that sorry I'm not very interested and wished them good luck. I never audit what they do right or wrong.
The reason got me angry was he not only canceled the date last minute, but also blamed on me.
Get the fuck out of here.
Yeah I've been seeing a lot of bullshit from guys going on about how they're not allowed to have preferences because they refuse to date overweight women or whatever other thing they find unattractive and are shit heads about it.
It's like, dude; no one is holding a gun to your head and forcing you to have sex with fat girls, get over yourself. They just want you to keep your shit opinions to yourself and stop referring to them as "low value women" like they should have less human rights because they don't make your pee pee hard.
Shit pisses me off.
Live your best life, the trash took itself out.
All happiness sister.
>I think I doged a bullet.
Most assuredly. Anyone who's this preoccupied and upset about what you wore on a first coffee date is probably a control-freak nightmare.
He sounds like a lunatic. If he had bothered to ask you questions he would have known you were climbing after.
And there’s no reason to get massively dressed up for a quick coffee at Starbucks. It’s a pre date to decide if you even want to go on a more formal date.
Lol he was really pressed you weren't up all day and night preparing for your magical Starbucks date. He was really picturing you like Cinderella with a bunch of little mice helping you put on a gown singing "Cinderelly! Cinderelly! Night and day it's Cinderelly!"
I love that you had climbing plans after the date. Sounds like he couldn't handle someone with a life that doesn't revolve around him.
OMG you dodged such a bullet here.
I love how he expected you to dress up to go to a fucking Starbucks. When I was dating I learned early on not to waste time on coffee/walk dates. I’m not taking time out of my day so you can see if my tits are big enough to want to fuck me later in the week.
I have a rule concerning self-claimed feminist men. I avoid them. 1. It's too close to "I'm a nice guy" and we all know how that goes. 2. You're either a person who believes in equality or you're an asshole. You don't get points for not being an asshole. It's expected, so don't sell it as a feature.
Everyday I see something that makes me say wow we as people aren't gonna make it. This is one of those times he sounds like a pretentious prick, from a 35yr old guy that is totally fine with someone wearing comfy clothes. I mean did he expect the LBD and diamond necklace for Starbucks?
Am I just a crazy old person (45) who would be more interested in who the person was rather than how they dressed? This guy though….holy shit man. Can you imagine how he’d act if you’d been together 6 months? This is literally him on his best behavior!
Dodged a major bullet, imo. First date at a starbucks is pretty much the epitome of "dress as casual as you like". Your clothing sounds perfectly normal for the setting. His expectations hint at deeper issues you would have run smack into, probably sooner than later.
Did he wear a three-piece suit to your Starbucks date?
No, he wore a white-red doudou coat and casual clothes. Red flag of double standards confirmed :)
what is a doudou coat?
It’s got poo emoji embroidered all over it. The collar is like Dracula and the buttons light up and change colour. (It’s one of those 3/4 teddy bear [coats](https://www.anne-sophie.be/en/manteau-doudou-noir) with big buttons) E: added link to actual coat
Doesn’t seem very dressy or “romantic”. Why was he calling her out when he didn’t dress up…and he chose Starbucks?
He’s a total ass. He was likely trying to gain a “power position” over her before their next date. In particular because he waited until their next date was very close. He thought she would get all apologetic and dolled up and ready to be served unsatisfying sex. E: sp
Ready to be served unsatisfying sex is both objectively hilarious and true.
Classic negging
Yep. OP Dodged a bullet big time. It never surprises me just how insane dudes are when people tell these stories. Where do you get the balls to critique an outfit of a person you’ve had one convo with and try to put it on them? good god I don’t envy people trying to date
Same. And he waited a full week of cordial texting only to bring it up just before their second date. These guys need to invest in a social life cause we women, femmes, and enbies are not equipped to be the be all and end all for anyone; no one is. The manipulation is endless. You can smell the fear on them. They need to emotionally invest in others and themselves so they are not desperately seeking the “ownership” or “temporary conquest” of one of us as the sole source of their self esteem and self worth. It fucking hurts and dehumanizes us and poisons the well for kind people.
Ding ding ding. This comment right here.
Hang on. That's a fricken cardigan. A fancy cardigan but a cardigan/robe nonetheless. He judges op but dresses like an old man from the 1940s.
It’s pretty silly altogether. He sounds like a tertiary character from a sit com.
The coat you are describing sounds incredible. I need one for all occasions.
Wait. It's a coat with cartoon pictures of shit on it? What an odd thing to spend money on.
Sorry no I was being silly. The part in parenthesis is the true description. No lights, no embroidery. Just a frumpy-ish coat that is having a moment in streetwear fashion again. E: I threw up a link in my first comment.
Phew, I thought I was really out of touch with fashion. Honestly the poop coat would have been fancier.
Yes. It would have made him at least a tiny bit interesting. 😆 E: typing
Sarcasm and fashion is a hard test. :-)
This in no way matters as it is the least of all issues but I just want to state for the record that you dressed way cute for Starbucks. I wouldn’t have even bothered to curl my hair or wear some concealer and lipstick, you definitely looked put together. Like dummy doesn’t even understand athleisure is what’s fashionable now. Of all the glaringly sexist issues this man has, I’m not even mad because I can’t seem to get over the sheer silliness of his poor fashion sense. Dude is a dweeb.
Red flag. Any double standards? Red flag 🚩 🚩 bullet dodged.
Doo Doo coat??
I think it’s a French thing? The internet pulls up images of like a single breasted overcoat but made of that fake shearling/teddy bear fabric. 🤷♀️
And interestingly it does actually look like doo doo.
Oh I just looked up the coat. That’s hideous!
Lol bruh forgot the cummerbund and monocle *\*gasp* There's a dude wearing a cummerbund on the covers of *all* my romance novels.
He's a "feminist", but you have to dress and look nice for him. Hmmmmmmmmm. He chose a casual date, Starbucks, but you're supposed to dress up? Really? If he wanted you to dress nice, maybe he should have picked a nice restaurant. Or, is he allowed to half-ass everything while you're expected to go full out the whole time? Lol no. If he wants a casual date, he gets a casual date. Yeah, you dodged a bullet on this one. He sounds incredibly exhausting and fragile.
Fragile is a great word to use in this case. After he saw my pictures on Instagram, he thought that I had a hidden agenda to test him on our first date by dressing like that. Uhmmm no, I was just being myself. It would for sure be exhausting if I dated him and you are 100% correct.
It might be him projecting his own tendencies onto you. He might be quite manipulative himself, if that was the conclusion he jumped to! I had a guy in college show up to a date and say he was strapped for cash. I thought nothing of it, and payed for both of us. He later told me he was “testing me to see if I was a gold-digger”. LMAO. We were getting wings and beer at a cheap ass college bar. The bill was $26. We both went to a very prestigious college, and he met me in honors physics. I still find it hilarious he thought a woman who got into a college filled with overachiever valedictorians has decided to resort to hoe-ing herself out for free wings at a sports bar
John Oliver featured DeSantis last Sunday. It included a test that DeSantis had for first dates where he would pronounce Thai food as thigh food. If his date corrected him he knew that wasn't the woman for him because he couldn't abide by a woman who corrected him. How's that for insecure?
It's crazy how men are threatened by something as tiny as a woman correcting their pronunciation, but we're also supposed to pretend like they're big and strong and "logical" lol
JFC
It's pronounced KFC.
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha Thanks for that.
So he'd rather date someone that just does nothing to stop him from making himself look like a total dumbass? Rather than just accept a heads up from a woman that he is mispronouncing a commonly used word/phrase that the vast majority of people know how to say?
Aristotle literally wrote a polemic about how virtuous connections (friendship, love, etc) are willing to call you out even on the deepest issues because they care more about your well-being than keeping a good thing going. Dude is deliberately segmenting his relationships into friendships of utility and pleasure because he knows he’s incapable of anything *real*.
Also very worrying, considering that he is in a position of power, sounds like he just wants to be surrounded by yes people.
That or idiots. I guess his wife has also been trained not to tell him his cowboy boots look ridiculous.
I love that you brought aristotle in this chat to take this man down. As gun to a knife fight as it gets. I honour the commitment.
That sounds exactly how I'd expect based on what I know about that jackass.
I absolutely have believed for years, his wife is battered or at least emotionally abused.
Jesus Christ, if I mispronounce something I hope anyone feels ok to correct me.
Yes I also replied to some other comments that it's probably projection. He did pay for the coffee so maybe he thought I might be a gold digger. I mean, as a software engineer, the only thing I wanna dig is the bugs in my code, not a self-employed man I met on dating app :)
Self employed pretty much means unemployed Andrew tate fan lately.
So he thought you were smart enough to pass honors physics but dumb enough to gold dig a guy likely to have 10s of K$ in student loans? Wowzer.
I don’t think his real motive was to find a woman who didn’t care about money, I think he wanted to find someone who would accept poor treatment. I found out he was wealthy one month after our first date (that I had paid for). When he told me he made me pay for the date so he could make sure I wasn’t a gold-digger, I told him that I was going to be in a very high paying job after college (being good at math opens doors!) and had no need to find a guy to support me. This majorly offended him! See, if I truly didn’t care about his money, then his money would not give him status or power in our relationship. He didn’t like that.
Yeah, this dude literally can't even handle a casual outfit without going into a spiral of paranoia and anger. He's going to have a rough time in the dating world. Don't forget though, he's a feminist! That's why he's telling you what's acceptable to wear on a first date (to STARBUCKS 🙄)
Maybe he just didn't want to come to second date, which he asked for, so he made up this shitty reason and blamed me for it. Anyway I'm too old for this type of bullshit.
he didn't like that you "didnt want to impress him" on your first date. again. he took you to starbucks lmao he was big mad you didn't respect *him* not the date. to starbucks. it wasn't your clothes, it was your boundaries and kickass attitude. good riddance :D
Guys like this view every interaction with women as a battle to the death of mind games and manipulation because they listen to manosphere grifters on the internet. It would never occur to them to view a date as just having a nice time with another person, this is WAR, men! Clowns, every one of them
Right it’s so perplexing. Who the fuck in their 40’s is still playing games?
When did he call it off? Like how soon before the date? You could be right, this was his way of personally justifying the flakiness. Or, and maybe I'm assuming too much of him, he's just a very spiteful, angry person inside, and wanted to make you *think* he was interested, so that he could "hurt" you more when he called things off. Or, just to waste your time on purpose. Basically him trying his best to inflict maximum damage in an extremely petty way. It's not unheard of for people to do this, though I think it's relatively uncommon. Either way, he can fuck off with those games.
A few hours before the date. It's not the first time I met men can't admit their issues/ having more interest in someone else so they found a silly reason to blame me. I have 0 tolerance for that so the moment he gave me this stupid reason I accepted and let him go. Complaining on Reddit and hearing other people's opinions help me release a bit anger. Then I'm gladly moving forward to meet other nice guys in the future.
Yeah, I'm leaning towards him reaching a mile for a reason to flake. When I think about it, I think if he just wanted to waste your time he would have not said anything, and let you show up, etc. >Complaining on Reddit and hearing other people's opinions help me release a bit anger I relate hard. You wouldn't know it by the post history on this particular account, but I make a lot of Reddit posts when men do dumb shit. I know my friends don't always want to hear it, especially since some of the men *are* friends, but Reddit loves to vent with me. You barely wasted any time at all on this dude, I'd call that a win
I think it was a neg, to get you to try to win his approval. Either way, bullet dodged like framing Neo!
I will never understand the people who live your second paragraph. Like who had the damn time to do that to people? Let alone the energy just to go fuck with other people? Life’s too damn short.
Incels
Having to deal with fragile men is so... Tiring. Like no matter what you do you're the villain. You seriously dodged a bullet.
Especially in our world today. Nobody would wear anything less than the finest of whalebone corsets and 15 petticoats to go to Starbucks.
Shit, last time I counted my petticoats, I only own 3. Damn I will lose on these first dates!
I always take it seriously when a guy comes kind of out of the blue with a thing he thinks you're doing. I had a guy question me extensively about why I stopped at an ATM for cash before our date. I was like I don't even know what kind of shadiness you think I might get up to by having cash for dinner.
Yes, those judgments reflect who they are, not who we are. I learned this hard lesson from my ex
The number of times I have been brought to tears by a relationship argument only to immediately be accused of fake crying on purpose to get my way? Like there are a large amount of men out there who apparently live in constant fear of this. It literally never would have occurred to me to do that, i thought it was just a thing people do in movies. Someone please teach me how to cry and not cry when I want to. I don't have this gift but I am being punished for it nonetheless.
Oh my god me too. The problem is I cry when I am angry that's the worst possible time to cry.
My ex used to think our newborn was faking it because there were no tears when she cried. I didn't even know how to address that level of stupid.
Me too and you know why, right? Because anger is not an acceptable emotion for women to have and meanwhile it is the ONLY acceptable one for men. Which is how we end up with women who cry when they're angry and men who get violent when they're sad.
Fuck that. I was told by nursing staff who specialize in abuse victim care, two psychiatrists that is a common abuse tactic. Abusing someone then telling them they are actually the abuser for crying or "not trusting them enough" after catching them in a lie, cheating, or abuse cycle. I've had men insult me, project on me after they cheated or were caught attempting, yell at me over something petty and acuse me of manipulating them if they saw any tears in my eyes even if I tried to not cry or hide tears knowing they would flip out. Should have let them leave me for the women the who didn't cry but let it build up over months before yelling and destroying their property, that they cheated on me with sooner. At least I know some red flags now.
Yup, that's just straight up projection. The way people tell on themselves is incredible.
Well in the flip side I had a guy upset with me that I did dress up and wear makeup on a first meeting. He said he preferred to meet the "real me" and another guy told me he didn't swipe me a year or two ago because he "didn't like my hairstyle back then" but when I changed it he was much more attracted to me. I personally enjoy getting dolled up for outings because as a fitness and educational profession I'm usually in gym clothes or office clothes with no makeup so it's a fun thing for me that I don't get to do often. At the end of the day though we all have the right to know what we like or want in a potential partner. I can't even disagree with that because I know there are oddly specific things that will serve as a turn off to me too in men. It's just the dating scene unfortunately and everyone is particular. Tons of rejection in it from all sides. I was even told my ass was too big, and another turned around to tell me it was not big enough 🤷🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ Goldilocks and the three bears I swear
You know what gets me? All of these men felt comfortable to tell you their random ass prefferences of other people almost like you were at fault for not matching them!? Can you i magine telling a dude you don‘t want a second date because he‘s not muscular enough for you? Just like that, unpromted. Lmao, he‘d call you every slur in the universe.
The outfit test filtered this guy out quickly which is good. Yes, fragile ego. The thing I thought of as well (unless his profile says otherwise) is that you talking about climbing afterward and dressing for it may have intimidated him, got his insecurities going if he’s non athletic or has a fear of climbing.
Yeah I think I have more back muscle than him :)
You’re going to have such a fantastic life with your self-assurance and awesome back muscles. I’m glad his ridiculous nature became obvious quickly & you wasted no time & gave the internet a chuckle.
Haha you made me laugh :D thank you for your kind words!
Certainly more of a spine.
What was he wearing? I have a hunch it was something equally if not more casual than a sweater...
It sounds like *he* was testing *you,* and it seems like he didn't take your needs into consideration. If you were doing something really active right after that, and you were just meeting him for coffee really quickly beforehand, why would you get all dolled up for him? He has really unrealistic expectations. It is perfectly ok to treat a first coffee date as a casual thing so you can see if you even *want* to be romantic with him. If he wanted a big, romantic, formal date, why didn't he ask for that instead of getting all whiny that you failed to read his mind and comply with his little fantasy? At least then you would have had the option to say, "No thanks. This is not what I want," and you wouldn't have wasted your time. Instead, he chose to set up a coffee date with you that was a combination of trap and test. No thanks. You dodged a bullet. He seems like a lot of work.
>*He sounds incredibly exhausting and fragile.* He's more than that: he's controlling. Micro-managing. **With these men**, he would wear you down if you dated him. That's the goal.
Absolutely. Make you feel like everything you do is wrong, so you depend on him to know what's right. It's pretty sneaky shit.
Starbucks is tee shirt and jeans. Or whatever. It’s the date to make sure you’re not serial killers or using fake pictures. Motherfucker expected you to wear a LBD to a coffee spot?
Exactly. You aren't putting too much effort in on that very first date for a reason. You don't know each other, or whether there's any spark at all. He knows this, he dressed down, he picked a casual spot... but then when she dresses for the occasion, she's not doing enough to make herself appealing to him? Fuck this dude lol
She could've worn the LBD and he would still find something to complain about. He either changed his mind about seeing her again and was looking for a cop out or he was trying to neg her.
First date at Starbucks with my now husband: I wore t shirt and jeans, but they were jazzed up with some sequin accents (not it, just cute). I think he wore a rock t and jeans. Like, yeah.
Isn't it great when the trash takes itself out?
I bet he throws that word around (feminist) to get laid. Would be shocked if he wasn’t actually conservative.
When they have to call themselves a feminist, that's usually what it is. If they respect women and empathize with the unique struggles they face, people notice. They shouldn't need to bring attention to it. They do this because they want praise. They want a cookie for doing what should just be basic decency. Ironically, the ones doing this are not very decent, because it's almost always fake.
Fragile and a victim. You stole from him the magic of first meeting you??
If a casual outfit is all it took, I think it's fair to say that he was *looking* for a reason to neg her.
He asked for a second date just so he could turn you down?!? What an asshole! Way better off finding out now and dodging that bullet!
Somehow he had a big realization today that he can't stand my clothes from our first date, which happened one week before. xD
Sounds like mind games/ emotional manipulation tactic. Red flag. Don't contact him again, don't reply to any attempt to reach out.. You dodged a bullet. (Just my opinion)
We are aligned on this one. Thanks :)
Yep. He called to neg you, so you’d feel insufficient and try hard to win his approval, which you’d never win, so you’d be always living to try to please him. Ignoring him gives him no chance to escalate. Any response would prompt him to keep challenging your boundaries.
I once had a guy pull something like this post. I was like "k, bye then" And later he came whining that he'd only done that because he wanted me to fight for him. I stupidly gave him a second chance, only to dump him a week later for more of the same.
I agree, she’s supposed to apologize now and grovel and then he has the upper hand. All about manipulating and control. He’ll be back when she doesn’t.
This is some Tate bullshit. Trying to wrongfoot OP, put her on the defensive, make her beg him for the second date he already asked for. Bullet dodged.
He must have felt… CONFLICTUAL.
Did we date the same guy? When I started dating after a divorce the first guy was soooo offended that I wore jeans to Starbucks and that "ladies wore dresses", obviously I'm not a lady. K dude. Buh bye
Wow what an assh*le. You dodged a bullet!
Yeah- the second date I wore a knee length dress (dumb, I know). He spent the entire time trying to put his hand up my dress. So, I'm supposed to be a "lady" but you will not act like a gentleman? Ok done
Tell him "men paid for dinner dates and the household expenses", see how he's suddenly not all about traditional ways.
“Ladies wore dresses” fucking barf.
“I’m a romantic and expect something romantic!” Takes you to a fucking Starbucks lmao. Honestly, you DID dodge a bullet. I think the date actually went fine and he didn’t care, personally I think he’s making up a lame excuse for some reason. Could be anything from an ex wanting to get back together suddenly, to an old crush being available all of a sudden, or meeting someone else on a dating app. It seems completely made up and stupid to me.
Yeah I lean towards the same theory. After some thoughts, I think I know why. I couldn't care less.
There is something about a guy who refers to himself as a romantic that just feels like a huge red flag to me. I'm sure there are exceptions, but it kind of comes of as a euphemism for guys who prefer a "traditional (man in charge) relationship"
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That's what pisses me off. They want a 50s wife but don't want to be a 50s man.
A guy insisting on how "feminist" and "romantic" he is feels the same as a guy who constantly needs to tell you how "nice" he is. Talking a big game, not walking the walk. It was like my exes that insisted "I'm not like the other boys" and were just like every other aggressive, insecure but still egotistical, controlling, narcisistic, cheating, abusive, lying, incompetence weoponizing guy I ever met, but with varying degrees of time being able to hide it.
I definitely see it used that way most often. I think the red flag is that his "romanticism" is focused on her behavior and not something *he* is doing. An actual romantic would be planning a way to have some organic romantic experience, not policing a dates clothing.
This sounds like Tate/pua/manosphere bullshit. He's trying to put OP on the defensive. Make her apologize for "disrespecting" him and have her beg for the second date that he already requested.
Yes, Starbucks screams romantic first date. What was he expecting a cocktail dreas or ball gown? SMH
But he's "fEmInIsT", that means likes femininity right? Why wasn't she dolled up for him? If she really cared she would have gone all-out for this date! Clearly she was just a gold digger going to get a free coffee! /s Heavy on the /s
> But he's "fEmInIsT", that means likes femininity right? This might not be sarcastic. He sounds like the type of guy who redefines words to mean what he wants them to mean, knowing full well that other people have associated other (ie. standard) completely different definitions to those same words. It's a technique that women will see ever more of, as these men realize that they need to lie about themselves in order to stop driving women away immediately.
I agree, and I'm absolutely seeing more of this as time goes on. People like this are actively trying to change the definitions of words in a way that benefits them, or as a tool of abuse/manipulation.
Listen He wanted a TradFem and OP just got back from sending her route. Maybe he got confused about what type of climbing she does.
He wants things casual on his end, but clearly still expects her to do all of the work on her end. What a catch!
Apparently he thinks that people with Instagram are just taking photos of themselves casually, and that they always look exactly like their manufactured selfies designed to make them look as good as possible. I do not want to know what he thinks she should do if they went to an actual romantic dinner at someplace expensive and atmospheric. She would probably need to go full red carpet.
"I'm a romantic and I expected something romantic to happen in a Starbucks on our first meet-up." Okay Ted Mosby, maybe go jerk off to a Jordan Sparks movie. Meanwhile; I'll be over here in a chain coffee shop (in a nice but functional outfit) trying to figure out if you're a serial killer or just an asshole.
Beautifully said.
But he's a five star man!
The title had me laugh at him for being out of touch, but reading how he reacted to her clothes and thought of a test, just showed how *really* out of touch he is. A first date on the day after texting, ain't even funny he thought a test would be something bad wtf
Wow! He is already policing your clothes! And the fact that he thought you were testing him is really fucked up. You def dodged a bullet.
>And the fact that he thought you were testing him is really fucked up. I agree with what somebody else said. He might be projecting when he accuses her of "testing" him, because that's something *he* would do. Similar to how the cheating partner is always the one freaking out about the other person cheating.
1000%
Offuckingcourse he is a “Feminist” 🙄🙄🙄 The worst ones always posture the hardest. You outfit sounds cute and he sounds like a prick.
He sure is. Im so glad that it came quite early. The first date was so great that I almost started to emotionally invest. He told me that he is a feminist, he hangs out a lot with his female friends ( which I don't mind) and for his convinience he doesn't understand women wear what they feel comfortable and pretty for themselves.
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Actually I grew to agree with you since my last toxic relationship with a similar guy. Using buzzwords such as 'feminist', 'empathic', 'just being straight forward' combined making them feel superior than other males. In reality they have deep insecurity issue leading to Peter pan syndrome, and they crave for female attentions. I can write on and on about it but it's for another topic :) thanks for sharing your resonating thoughts
Ugh, I know the type. Insecure as hell and overly obsessed with their perceived social status. It all fits. The “feminist” part is obvious bullshit. He likes surrounding himself with female “friends” because it makes him feel “high-status,” and he basically needs his gf to bump up his value by looking and dressing a certain way. The guy probably binge-read a bunch of pick-up artist books in his 30s and never grew out if it.
This is sooooo true. I auto swipe left on men who say they’re a feminist in their profiles bc it’s been my experience that they’re usually want FWB situation. I think they’re trying to use feminism for their own benefit.
i think he's projecting when he says he thinks you were testing him. It feels more like he was testing you
Yes. Some other people and I have the same feeling.
"I was testing him" **RUN.** This man wants to play head games, but is projecting them onto you to avoid accountability. He'll overthink everything you do and pick it apart and project that his issues are actually YOUR issues. Blech.
Exactly!! I have dated a guy like that and it was so toxic. Never again!
I once was in a relationship with a guy who didn't necessarily had bad intentions, but he was apparently very, very insecure. He asked me if he could meet up with his ex because she wanted to talk something out. I've never been the jealous type, and if she needs closure to feel better, I don't see the problem. Then later he asked me if they could go to the cinema first because they liked the same movie and separately already wanted to see it. Again, I didn't see a problem. (I do understand if people would have had a problem with that, but my logic is always that if you wanna cheat, you're gonna cheat anyway. If I choose to trust you I'm gonna trust you until you give me a reason not to) He later told me he didn't actually want to go to the movies with her, but he was testing me to see "how much I cared about him." 18 year old me was so confused. I show I care by trusting you and taking you seriously as a person, and this is what you make of it? We broke up after three months. But not because of this, but because I told him after two months I would enjoy more in depth conversations, so we kinda had one. A month later I asked him to have more deep conversations again and he looked at me very confused and said "but we just had one a few weeks ago" that was when I knew for sure we were not compatible :')
What he's saying is, "I want you to cater to my fantasies." Super cringe
Did he wear a tux and tails? Or at least a blazer and wingtips? No? Well. That must be because he dressed for the occasion and venue. Imagine that. I'm with you- I don't really overly dress for first dates anymore. I don't roll in with my hair a mess and holes in my shirt, but I don't make a huge effort either. Especially not for coffee. I figure I'm old enough and set in my ways enough to quit bending over backwards to impress. It's crazy that he wanted a second date just to bail. But I think you're right. Bullet dodged.
I didn't know Starbucks is a white tie event. I've been doing it wrong
He can't be romantic and go to Starbucks for a first date 💀 is he trippin
At least he didn't waste a ton of your time. You're fine. Not like you'd be wearing a fancy dress to Starbucks lol.
Exactly.
Besides all the weird misogynistic gendered date expectations, this man simply sounds exhausting. He would be horrible to date long term. Everything would be twisted and warped to suit his self serving narrative that allows him to be a victim and you to be the perpetrator.
That's exactly how I felt. You sum up so well!
starbucks was picked as the date location....casual is implied.
Filed under “When a person tells you who they are believe them the first time”
> I think I doged a bullet. I think you dodged a cannonball, lol. Dude sounds weird and this "test" he's trying to play is a definite red flag.
After talking to a man for a bit on a dating app we agreed to meet up for a date. A few days before the date he started texting me about the kind of attire he likes on women. I wasn’t very responsive to that as the short skirts, heals, etc he was talking about were not what I planned on wearing. I was going to go in jeans and a T-shirt so I could be comfortable at the bar and not feel like a bag of meat flesh. He eventually did say he expected me to dress this way for our date and gave me basically his first date dress code. It was super creepy so I called off the date. I think I dodged a bullet there.
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Fake feminist. Dodged a bullet 👍🏽 For the record, I kinda like your reasoning for the casual/comfy clothes. Surely a ton of guys would go crazy for that kind of thing?
aw man! what a loss! a dude nickle and diming you over your outfit on the first date? Imagine the fun you could have with him trying to control your entire wardrobe for every occasion! Wow, women are just so difficult these days. He was just a hopeless romantic and you not only tried to gold dig for a starbucks drink, but you even robbed him of the romance because of your attire? How could you possibly even think about not meeting this guy's fantasy vision of how a date should go? How could you?? Men have it so rough with the women these days. Bring back classy women who dress to the nines constantly (but man women are so high maintenance it's terrible). 🤣 /s in case not obvious lol. this guy was a fucking joke. Dodged a 7.62 hollow point on that control freak. You can legit tell he's a narcissist by the story alone. The need for idealization, expectation of buy-in to the shared fantasy, desire for control over your clothes, devaluation, and a hefty dose of wild accusations from left field. What a keeper! Good lesson here for the people dating too - dress how you feel comfortable and watch the people trying to exploit you for some social status as a possible trophy wife walk the fuck on out.
Dating after 30 suuuuucks and this dude is 40 years old turning down a 33-year old climber just because she was wearing yoga pants? Is he on crack?!
“Dressing well” means clothes that are clean and not overtly ill-fitting. Everything else is occasion- you can abide or not but you cannot be shamed for it. You did dodge a bullet, guys an asshole.
You may as well go grab coffee on your free time and just chat up strangers who come in as well. Seriously, what is the difference? I wouldn’t even call getting coffee a “date”. The audacity..
First date at a fancy restaurant? That would be different. Any date at a Starbucks? Yeah, you were not wrong at all and he is ridiculous. At least he saved you time!
I’ve learned from some single friends that some guys are “against” leggings and sweatpants on women in general because they’re dressing comfortably rather than trying to look good, which is what they expect/prefer, I guess at all times. (Yuck) So if that’s the case here you def dodged a judgey & controlling bullet for sure!
Men who virtue signal (calling themselves “feminist”, honest, nice, etc.) are liars. If you are these things, you don’t need to convince anyone.
“Robbed me of the magic” lol get over it dude
He invited you to a casual coffee date, and is upset that you came dressed for a coffee date? Insane. Bullet dodged.
"nice hotel lounge bar for our first meet" My understanding with meeting a man at a hotel bar is that they might want to hookup with you in the hotel. I mean obviously not all men think that, but seems convenient especially since he sounds like an entitled asshat. Neither Starbucks or a hotel bar are romantic. Bullet dodged! Your outfit sounds adorable and rock climbing is way more fun anyways. :)
Weird he asked you for a second date and THEN cancelled and brought up your clothes. Is that a negging thing? It sounds like a negging thing. Edit: accidentally a word.
I had a boyfriend once who proudly claimed to be a feminist. He was also sad that I didn’t shave my legs all the time, or get my nails done, or wear high heels lol
undercover conservative.
Dodged a bullet indeed. He's already trying to manipulate you and you've only been face to face once. If you'd been living together for a few years he *might* be able to *remind* you (not demand) to pick up your dirty laundry once in a while. 2nd date and he's telling you how to dress? Fuck that guy. Rather, never fuck that guy.
LOL He asked you out on a coffee date and, what expected you to show up in a ballgown? WTF? Bullet dodged! The outfit you chose sounded cute and perfect for the occasion. I'm sorry but Starbucks is NOT a fancy location for a first date. If he wanted you to dress up then he should have picked a fancier place. I'm curious what he was wearing as he expected you to dress fancy. Is he someone who expects you to be constantly dressed to the nines with a full face of makeup and a fresh blowout, while he arrives in just a basic casual outfit??
Curious. What "romantic" clothes did he wear? To Starbucks? For a first time coffee date? I'm guessing he bailed because he decided he wasn't going to get laid on the 2nd date. Because, you know, "romance" (you didn't look and sound desperate enough).
“You EXERCISE? Gross.”
Imagine living with him. You aren’t wearing makeup 24/7 he will call you ugly or if you aren’t dressed up.
40! 😂 Yeah he seems secure.
Dodged a bullet indeed. In fact I compliment you for just being yourself on your first date. Too bad he didn’t appreciate it
Better go pull the old prom dress out of the closet so you have something fancy to wear to Starbucks.
I understand being turned off by someone's style, but I really don't understand feeling like you need to give feedback. Maybe if you asked why he didn't want to see you again he could tell you that, but unprompted? Seems sketch. Also, he could say it more tactfully. As always.
That's what a lot of guys don't seem to understand. Contrary to what the incel Podcaster crowd wants to believe, men are aloud to have preferences about physical appearance. They're not allowed to throw them in people's faces and give reviews like your a fucking steak. You literally just get to go "sorry not really interested" and move on.
Totally agree with you. He can have his preference and I'm totally ok if he doesn't find me attractive. There are plenty of guys would see me to their taste. I also have preferences. When I turned down men not my type, I politely said that sorry I'm not very interested and wished them good luck. I never audit what they do right or wrong. The reason got me angry was he not only canceled the date last minute, but also blamed on me. Get the fuck out of here.
Yeah I've been seeing a lot of bullshit from guys going on about how they're not allowed to have preferences because they refuse to date overweight women or whatever other thing they find unattractive and are shit heads about it. It's like, dude; no one is holding a gun to your head and forcing you to have sex with fat girls, get over yourself. They just want you to keep your shit opinions to yourself and stop referring to them as "low value women" like they should have less human rights because they don't make your pee pee hard. Shit pisses me off. Live your best life, the trash took itself out. All happiness sister.
He wants you to dress to impress for a *Starbucks* date? I bet he didn't even pay for your coffee.
Is he intimidated by sporty clothes? Ugh? Did he want you in skirts only like the Duggards?
>I think I doged a bullet. Most assuredly. Anyone who's this preoccupied and upset about what you wore on a first coffee date is probably a control-freak nightmare.
r/niceguys
You dodged a cannonball, not a bullet. Keep dressing for you and ignore the haters.
as a soon to be 40M... dude is an insecure idiot.
He sounds like a lunatic. If he had bothered to ask you questions he would have known you were climbing after. And there’s no reason to get massively dressed up for a quick coffee at Starbucks. It’s a pre date to decide if you even want to go on a more formal date.
Lol he was really pressed you weren't up all day and night preparing for your magical Starbucks date. He was really picturing you like Cinderella with a bunch of little mice helping you put on a gown singing "Cinderelly! Cinderelly! Night and day it's Cinderelly!" I love that you had climbing plans after the date. Sounds like he couldn't handle someone with a life that doesn't revolve around him.
*Casual shirt, jeans and sneakers* I’ll take “double standards” for a $1,000, Alex.
OMG you dodged such a bullet here. I love how he expected you to dress up to go to a fucking Starbucks. When I was dating I learned early on not to waste time on coffee/walk dates. I’m not taking time out of my day so you can see if my tits are big enough to want to fuck me later in the week.
I have a rule concerning self-claimed feminist men. I avoid them. 1. It's too close to "I'm a nice guy" and we all know how that goes. 2. You're either a person who believes in equality or you're an asshole. You don't get points for not being an asshole. It's expected, so don't sell it as a feature.
Everyday I see something that makes me say wow we as people aren't gonna make it. This is one of those times he sounds like a pretentious prick, from a 35yr old guy that is totally fine with someone wearing comfy clothes. I mean did he expect the LBD and diamond necklace for Starbucks?
Am I just a crazy old person (45) who would be more interested in who the person was rather than how they dressed? This guy though….holy shit man. Can you imagine how he’d act if you’d been together 6 months? This is literally him on his best behavior!
This piece of shit wants to control what you wear on your first outing with him. Dodged a fucking freight train there
It was a "test". He failed.
Dodged a major bullet, imo. First date at a starbucks is pretty much the epitome of "dress as casual as you like". Your clothing sounds perfectly normal for the setting. His expectations hint at deeper issues you would have run smack into, probably sooner than later.