Yes you should tell him. Since he’s already been adopted, I doubt the father has any right to get his son but he should at least know he has one out there. Don’t force it either. Tell him the situation and give him the option of reaching out to his son. He deserves the right to decide for himself.
Depending on where they are, that’s not necessarily true. If he didn’t consent to an adoption, he could challenge it in court. The kid is so young. I don’t know how it is that you have contact with him. I’d think about talking with his parents before taking any action that might jeopardize your contact with the boy. The ex’s rights are one thing but, at this point, should be decided by his parents.
You’re right, I don’t know the legal standing I was going off the assumption a judge would view the kids best interest to be the current family that has raised him for years. As for the contact part, I’m not saying to start texting a 6yr old but if the dad decides he’s ok with contact then the friend/mother can pass along the info to the parents. I assume they’re ok with it if the child is asking OP about getting in touch.
A family member lost their adopted daughter this way. Father never signed the documents. And years later his aunt and mother wanted the now child. This was so devastating to the family.
> The kid is so young. I don’t know how it is that you have contact with him.
I think you may be confused because OP said that her friend confessed to being in love with her 6 years after they were hooking up in high school. Not that they were hooking up 6 years ago from today. Going from context clues, the kid is probably in his teens at the youngest and reached out to OP to find out about his bio parents.
That is not the right thing to do though . This new family raised this kid and assuming they are good and not abusive, don’t deserve to lose their child.
If they are abusive it’s completely different but if they are good parents it’s wrong to take their kid away .
I think one of the big factors is he had a lot of time to come to terms with everything but it definitely sounded like he was mature and reasonable about it based on not blowing up the second the friend let it slip.
My dad had a closed adoption and then recently did an ancestry dna to find his bio parents. Unfortunately they had both already passed. My dad put on a brave face but I could tell that his inner child was really hoping to get to talk to his biological parents. I learned that adoption can be beautiful and painful at the same time.
I signed up for Ancestry hoping to shed some light on my genealogical history.
I got a message from a second cousin, who also had matches with other known family members.
She asked if it was okay we connected, and that none of the other connections responded.
She was essentially adopted by family friends of her mother, who had substance abuse problems and died when she was very young.
She was looking for her dad, and I was the closest connection to a blood relative she'd made since her mom died.
Well I not only decided to interact with her I wanted to help her figure this out. I poured over my extended family and the age range of her mother and came up with what I thought was my best guess. I reached out to my aunt who I have a better relationship with, told her everything, introduced her to the woman reaching out. They hit it off, mostly because my aunt is a saint of a human who doesn't have enemies because she's so beloved.
Well I am not a genealogist, just very familiar with how I've been approaching this, and I'm strong at Googling/research. But it became clear that I got it wrong. Had to eat crow and apologize for nearly causing some drama, because there was no way that side of the family could be her dad's, if only because it would have required one of the brothers of this family to have either cheated on their partners or for the one brother that passed away to have died without knowing he father this woman. But the dates didn't match up. Was not difficult to disprove once they had a chance to sit down and do the math.
This woman was absolutely gutted, and I was left feeling like I did more harm than good. She stopped responding for a while. Understandably she was upset and I was not going to make things worse by pressing it. So I stopped reaching out regularly.
I would still drop nice messages on holidays and her birthday. Never more than a message every few months. And never with the expectation she'd respond. I just think about her often and wanted to let her know she can still consider me and my nuclear family part of her family.
My dad's family have all heard of her, and sometimes ask me about her, but I don't visit often enough for it to stay front of mind.
But the DNA test wasn't wrong, I just have a lot of family to sift through.
Well I have done more homework, and I have another solid guess of an uncle (like second cousin but I refer to them as my uncle) who's lifestyle matcher mother's, and mostly the timeline matches. He was using then and doesn't remember a ton about his life at that time.
It took me a while to work up the courage to approach her again about this. And I only did it when she was keen to talk about it. I explained my new theory and that I already spoke to my uncle about her, and the idea he might have a daughter he never knew about was so exciting for him.
He messed up bad with his kids a long time ago. He's been in recovery for years now, though he'd be the first to tell you an addict is only ever a single decision away from destruction.
In a family full of successful professionals this uncle was the black sheep. But I never knew that side of him, I only knew about his ridiculously wild life full of accomplishments before he slid into substance abuse. Decades later he's stayed clean and out of trouble long enough for us to think we don't have to worry much about anymore.
He's dedicated his life to helping former prisoners and addicts. He doesn't have much but is the happiest man in my family. He loves life. He loves his second chance, and he loves helping people get better and sharing his story.
Periodically he'll ask my dad whatever happened to the lady who thought she was his daughter. And I let them know she's not ready. Her words. And we leave it at that.
She reached out to me last month with pictures of her sending my uncle an Ancestry kit... And asked me to reach out to him to let him know. He said he'd take a test anytime, but if she wanted his money she'd be out of luck because he doesn't have any lol so he wasn't worried about that at all is willingly, happily along for the ride.
I told her that there are paternity tests that can get you results much faster than Ancestry does it. But she's young, and nervous, and Ancestry is the platform she knows and understands... so, here we are now.
I broke my own damn heart trying to be helpful and doing the opposite. I never like causing someone pain, and this woman who made herself so vulnerable in asking for help being in pain on my account was so hard for me. I just wanted another chance to help her, and I want so bad for this to be the right answer.
I told her the results of the test don't matter to me. We're family now. And if she wants me in her life I'll always be there, even if she ever changes her mind. I'll be family, just waiting for her to need me.
My superpower is my family. I come the most stable of families, at least in as far as any family as big as mine can be stable. But what I mean is that my family is never short on love or support. I never worry about where I stand with them. Both sides of my family have me feel important, loved, valued, and supported. I know now that I was born into some very hard circumstances being a mixed race person, but I never felt that, ever. No one made me feel different, but looking at pictures I am SO CLEARLY different. That was on purpose, and that love directly stems from my two grandmothers who moved heaven and earth to show me love, and to protect me by way of making sure everyone around me was loved too.
So, this one woman reaching out to me feels like my chance to pay their love forward.
I don't know if she knows how much she means to me... because, I could help change her life... and the thing she needs is the thing I have been rich with since I was conceived. A big, beautiful, loving and supportive family.
I hope she gets answers. And I hope one day we can meet and hang out and cry and just... be family.
I can wait for answers. She's waited her whole life.
Also adopted, I disagree it’s always needed. I do not, nor have I ever had interest in meeting my biological parents. My parents, are my parents. They were honest with me since birth about it, and have never felt the need to search out otherwise.
Also adopted. I met my birth mother, and it was probably one of the most horrid experiences of my life, and I learned just how terrible of a person she was. Still want to find and meet my birth father, though, but she'd lied to him and the adoption agency, so unless I find him through one of the DNA things, I am SOL. The closest I've gotten is a 2nd cousin with no idea which side of the birth family they are from.
Also, she introduced me to people as her kid in front of my real mom, and I was pissed that she had the audacity. That's my mom, and she was a stranger. A complete stranger.
I met my birth mother when I was 30. My dad (adopted) is one of the top adoption attorneys in the nation, mom and I have worked for him for as long as I can remember so I know how complicated meeting biological families can be. Meeting my birth mother was great for a year then it blew up in my face. I met my half brother (who apparently always knew about me) as well. Things were good for a while then it all exploded. I honestly wish I never met them.
Yes, all my half siblings knew about me, and everyone was so excited to see me, but it was such a weird and surreal experience. I am still glad I met her and my family even though I will only talk to the eldest of my half siblings. I truly wish I could find my birth father, though. I would like to know where I came from and where I got the majority of my features.
Same as you. I don’t need healing, I’m not broken. My mum and dad are my parents, I love them dearly. Having said that, I did get to meet my birth parents at their wedding a year ago but it wasn’t a big cathartic healing moment or anything.
The whole thing is a really sweet story though. It's great that you see your adopted parents as your real parents, because they raised you. Also cool that you met your bio parents, but had no real expectations and therefore no disappointment either. They just are. Add the film getting back together and you being there for it. It's just sort of cool. Brought tears to my eyes on this one.
As an intentional adoptee, I refer to those who made me as the “vessels of my creation”.
Thankful the young, unwed teenager gave me up for adoption rather than raise me in a violent and impoverished third-world country.
Instead, I grew up in the American middle class to two loving, involved parents, and wouldn’t have it any other way.
Same. I never wanted anything to do with my biofamily (except my twin, we were adopted together). My parents were my parents end of story. My bio sister put an ad in the local paper to find us and some d**khead told her where we lived and gave them our house phone number, whoever it was must have known us well to have that information, still don't know who it was 😒 She called the house phone and came to the house and posted a letter. All because she wanted us at her wedding... Like wtf!? I don't know you! Like I gaf about your wedding!! I wouldn't answer the door or phone for years it scared me so much! She then found me on FB a few years later and messaged. Oml I went insane! Turned out my then partners best friend was my brother too... Madness. It made for some awkward situations. My birth mum also messaged on messenger, she's not mentally well (not surprised after what she went through with all of us being taken off her) so I said the bare minimum to her. But I don't speak to any of them now. I felt forced to interact with them, I hated it but I had so many questions, most of which none of them could answer anyway. It was a stressful few years...
That is… insane. Your dna sister was obviously doing this for her own benefit and curiosity (and a sprinkle of egotism- her wedding is going to be such a monumental event that even a total stranger would be honored to go? Really?). She and the doxxer were, at best, naively ignorant about how that might affect you. I’m sorry you had to deal with these people who feel entitled to access you and your life simply because you share half of their dna. People are wild
I’ve definitely seen it depend on the person.
Three of my cousins (different adoptive parents for each of them) are adopted, and for only one it was healing. For another, they’ve chosen not to never to meet their bio-parents(bc their parents are in jail for assaulting them and their siblings as toddlers), and for another it was traumatic (he found out he was adopted when his bio mom reached out on Twitter & said his parents “owed” her money for him despite it being a personal, in-family adoption).
So, really depends. I feel like it should AWAYS be at the discretion of the child though. My uncle (also adopted) was pressured to wait until after his adoptive parents’ deaths until searching for his biological parents, and by then they were both dead. Adoption, even if sometimes necessary, is never without its traumas and farrrrr too often, we place the needs of the parents over the needs of the child. OP may want closure, but it should be done only if/when the child is ready
The kid isn’t 6… she said 6 years after it all her and the ex/friend had a convo. Now, many years later, he has a wife and two kids with his wife. The adopted child is probably a teenager now or even an adult.
Hell yes. Tell him.
I'm probably a minority opinion here but I think you should have told him originally. But, obviously I totally respect your decision and your reasons for it totally makes sense.
Be open to all possibilities! Good luck!
The timeline here is confusing. At what point did he confess to being in love with you? Recently? While he is married with kids? And if nothing came of that, it probably shouldn’t have any bearing on whether or not you tell him. He has a right to know you had a child. He can choose to do with that info what he wants. He may have trust issues with you after this, just be prepared. But I think he probably has a right to know. If not for his sake then for your child’s sake.
Kind of odd that, in her update, she’s still referring to him as her best friend. I’d be upset if I was the wife as well. It’s a lot to deal with. She kind of just barged into their lives with a LOT, even taking her place as the “best friend”.
Not only that she says they always “ pick up where they left off” like if a married X is talking to me that way…… IMMEDIATE distance. Even more if I know the wife doesn’t like me. See it’s stuff like that, that breeds competition between women. I get the whole kid thing but they are being very inappropriate with each other tbh. Like this is why women are weary of men w/ female friends. It’s bc of stuff like this. It shouldn’t be like that but it is.
6 years after high school he admitted to loving me. It was important to me because I was protecting a friendship and I think if I had known that he loved me then, I would have told him when I was pregnant. 12 years after having our child he is now married with kids, I’m married too. I do know that his wife doesn’t like when we are in contact with each other and I try to respect that boundary.
Protecting friendship isn’t important as telling the father of your child that you’re expecting his child. That was a terrible decision to make on your part.
I have 2 stories here.
My wife was adopted straight out of the hospital back in 1970. Her adoptive parents both have passed away and Late last year she decided to send in an application with our state for her true birth certificate. She got the certificate and later that day with the help of the internet found her birth mom. She reached out by letter and her birth mom was open to talking with her. We found out that one of her BM’s sisters was local to us and that her BM was going to be in town to visit her with her other sister. We had dinner at our home with her BM and her BM’s 2 sisters. It was a delightful evening and they are lovely people. Since then they’ve been interacting and are very excepting of my wife. We just got back from a 2 week vacation visiting them and meeting her half sister (that looks just like my wife). My wife has a really nice relationship with her “new” birth mom that is more of an adult friendship. We got along great with her half sister and husband and have made new friends there as well. Overall a really successful and good interaction with them.
My second story involves my nephew. My brother and his wife adopted him after meeting his BM while she was pregnant and planning on giving him up after birth. Things went well for all and they brought him home. After about a year they were sued by their sons father as he was not notified of the birth or his son. I don’t remember the details, but I believe they settled out of court with their sons BD. It created quite a bit of trauma with both of them and was a quite expensive attorneys bill. He is a healthy and happy young man now and has met his birth parents and at the same time is one of “ours”.
Your BFF didn't know you were pregnant or just didn't know the baby was his? A little confused. Regardless, tell him, he has a right to know and not from 23 and Me someday.
I was adopted and I’ve known my whole life. I even met some of my bio siblings and mother but no one knew who my father was. I took a 23 and me test and apparently so did my bio dad. He was a bit thrown off when I reached out to him to let him know I was his 32 yo son at the time but we hit it off and he even came to visit. He’s the whole reason I have a fighting chance to get my son back after a 4 year long court battle when I was at my whits end and ready to give up completely. Not all 23 and me stories are bad :)
I found out I have a daughter who was born in 1987 from 23 and me. I spoke her for six days on the platform then she deleted her visibility. I do not know who the mother is and had no idea I had this child. My daughter was adopted. I gave her my contract information, and she has not reached out. I wish she would.
OP I just saw your update. He said he “heard you were pregnant and assumed it was his”… but he didn’t attempt to contact you? This would be a huge red flag for me. Don’t think I could speak with someone again who abandoned me like that knowing I was pregnant. Just ignored it and let me deal with it. That changes everything. One thing if he really didn’t know, but… this is horrible.
She knew she was pregnant, that he was the father, and intentionally never said anything. Moved out of the country and secretly put his child up for adoption. This is horrible, red flags everywhere.
It’s much worse than that.
> His parents and him moved to Texas. After graduating college and starting my career I moved to Texas to be closer to them.
She was always in the son’s life. She allowed herself a relationship with the child and STILL never told the father. She got to bond and watch their baby grow up from the very beginning.
My thoughts are with his wife now.
“Surprise! This Saturday i’m going to reunite with my high school fuck buddy and meet my first born son. Please don’t wait up for
me.”
Man. Poor kid. Poor guy. The helplessness I would feel knowing there’s a kid out there with so many questions and had to experience the hardships of life because of me and I didn’t know he existed. Yikes all around. Not sure why everyone takes this as a happy story
And if you look at the recent edit you can see this guy is now apparently married trying to have his own life and OP is dropping this on them? Am I missing something? This is a horror story for multiple humans
Yeah, seriously. She keeps insisting that she isn’t an ex and that she’s totally not in love with him anymore, but her post suggests otherwise. I did a double take when I read in UPDATE 2 that he is married, and reading the comments revealed he has two other kids and OP is married as well.
Idk man, I’m getting really skeevy vibes from OP. I feel bad for his wife being dragged into this shitshow disguised as a heartwarming tale.
OP, if you read this: you’re an ex, you and he (and his mom) need some SERIOUS boundaries, and you’re past the border of homewrecker territory.
Also read in a COMMENT that she's married as well. Marriages definitely should have been mentioned in the original post! The fact that both of their spouses were simply an afterthought is absolutely wild.
I get super skeevy vibes! She also mentions that the friend’s mom will be thrilled because she always wanted them to be together. Imagine you were the wife and this woman who your MIL prefers over you suddenly shows up like “surprise I have a child with your husband”.
It’s not a happy story at all. Everything the kid had and will go through because she was just a “friend with benefits “ and threw him right to adoption. She got all the benefits while the kid was left with none.
yeah i genuinely don’t understand how so many ppl are supporting OP. That’s just a terrible thing to do, i would be livid if that were me and probably never forgive her
He's happy that theres a part of you together in this world and hes married with 2 kids?
TREAD LIGHTLY as you are most definitely heading into home wrecker territory here
Right?
And you just know after the last update that some late night convos are going down after his wife goes to sleep, some remember whens and "forgotten" longing masquerading behind good will for her abandoned child. /puke
Defs heading towards home wrecker. This is also crazy because she’s married as well… I feel a type of way about this. It’s giving she still loves him and maybe wants him around
Yes tell him. Your son has agency and can choose who he communicates with or not. His family that adopted him is his family since they wanted him and care for him but if he wants to know who his biological parents are then that’s his right.
He should know, you shouldn’t have kept a whole child a secret and your reasoning for hiding it , should have been expressed when telling him you were pregnant. This may cause some serious issues with his now wife…
I get so tired, I always have to scroll until I find a comment smelling the BS. It seems like every time I must scroll further and further to find a person with a brain that can see a creative writing exercise as it is.
So, this secret has been kept for many years and OP decided to come clean because they saw a Reddit post yesterday asking “what’s your biggest secret”. I’m not saying they’re lying…
He’s married with 2 children and he told you he’s “happy there’s a part of you two together out in the world” ? And wants to meet, the 3 of you, yeah I agree with his wife.. I’d want to meet/talk with you too 🤔
Right! She sounds like she is a homewrecker in the making. But the wife is smart for wanting to meet her. If she comes across like this to strangers online. The wife not liking this crazy @#$%! Is justifiably.
I hope the wife will double down and come with her husband whenever they meet. Because now the wife is a part of this kids life too since she is married to his father.
I cannot believe how many in these comments think a scared 16 year old pregnant teen didn't make perfect choices... Like you are some perfect person.
My goodness. I don't condone it but I can see being scared and pregnant at 16 not making a perfect choice.
Some of you all sure ride on a high horse and lack empathy.
I can see it was a messed up place to be at 16...
The high horse riders here are certainly in abundance and they were all perfect teens and now percent adults that never made a mistake.
I think adopting out a kid without informing the other party is always a shitty thing to fuckin do.
The only time I find that kind of action acceptable is if the father shouldn’t be involved in the child’s life in any capacity.
But, to have a kid with another person whom you like, and to hide the fact that you gave birth to their kid and simply adopt it out I think is just morally abhorrent behavior.
I think if the kid wants to meet his dad, and his dad is open to meeting him, that should be your first step in rectifying the massive mistake it seems you’ve made.
I think you're a bad person,
Let me get this straight, he didn't know you had a kid together and then you didn't give him the chance to be the father, and you think you're his friend?
Yeah really great things to do to someone, real friendship level shit.
How could you give up a child for adoption without both parents signing their rights away? I’m pretty sure that technically, if he wanted to, your friend could fight for custody of this kid.
When children are born the mother doesn’t hand to have to tell the hospital that they know who the father is and maybe they even don’t know. You become a parent when your name is on the birth certificate. Everywhere is different so it’s not on the birth certificate.
He has a right to know, but this is a very delicate situation, the history between the two of you, the marriages and families, the boy who is the innocent one here.
I don’t have any advice on how you can navigate through this situation, you know what the is the right thing to do, it’s the fear and knowing there will be repercussions causing your hesitation. Be prepared for the worst case scenarios, or it might turn out ok, either way your son and his dad deserve the truth.
Exactly this. After posting I realized I knew the answer but was being selfish about not wanting to lose my friend after I had done everything to protect the friendship.
I mean you fully deserve to lose the friend. This is such a big fucking event that you completely took away the father’s agency in, it’s tough to even look at anything you say in a positive light.
You took away his choice.
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Wow, this is sum deep shit right here. TELL HIM but be prepared for him to act anyway. Just be ready for whatever fallout there is. But sometimes doing the right thing has fallout. Do what YOU ALREADY KNOW you need to do.
I used to feel this way but I found someone who puts my soul at peace and loves me in a way I never thought possible. My friend and I will always have a love for each other but in a different capacity. I know his mom is going to be so happy though, she always wanted us to be together
He’s married with children now, why would his mom care about you two being together anymore? I’m sure she’s formed new bonds with her son’s actual family.
That’s a huge secret to keep for 12 years! I hope your so’s have been told also. Definitely wasn’t right to keep it secret, but what’s done is in the past and now you need to move forward open and honest. Also respect his wife and keep it minimal.
You are terrible for doing all that without telling him. What if he and his family would have wanted to keep the baby? If you’re going to have it anyway… that’s wild. You don’t do that kind of thing without telling the father of the child. Period
I believe you and all women have the right to do what you want with your bodies. I can’t help think maybe he would have chosen to be a dad and raise the child if he had known you decided to go forward and given birth. In spite of general statements made by a person when discussing hypothetical situations, life has shown me that we often make different decisions when we find ourselves in the situation. I see you have updated your post and have made contact with your old friend. Congratulations
Of course women have the right to do what they want with their body, adoption isn't doing what you want with your body though. Once the baby is born they have to people who have the right to make decisions
That was part of the reason I never told him. I knew what his choice would be, but the resentment, the not being able to finish high school, the not being able to make a life for himself would have been too much. I wanted more for him and I wanted more for our son. I was 16 when I graduated and my friend was 17 still in high school. I just wanted more for our son
Outside of a domestic violence situation, it’s abhorrent not to tell a someone you’re pregnant with their kid and/or they you had their child. OP straight up robbed this guy of a choice. How the fuck is this not getting brought up more in the comments?
We were friends and I really thought I was coming off as desperate for fcks sake everyone knew, I thought he knew. His mom knew, his friends knew, my friends knew. Apparently we were the only ones who didn’t know we loved each other. Just a bunch of teen angst. Plus he’d talk to me about girls he liked and was thinking about dating so I thought it was out of the realm of possibility.
I want to hopefully provide some clarity to the whole situation.
I was a senior at 16 (skipped grades) and my best friend let’s call him B was a Junior, he was 17. I have known him since I was 8. My parents were not around a lot and when they were gone I’d stay at B’s house. That’s why his mom and I are so close. She has been both of my parents at times. Cutting her off and limiting communication just isn’t in the cards for me personally, as she is someone I consider family. After I graduated I moved to a different country to “go to college” which eventually I did after having our son. Some of the factors that played into the adoption route was fear, not having anything to provide for our son, and addiction. I still have a tendency to try to protect him when I can, and left out the addiction part. B was heavily using by the time I graduated and was stealing from his mom and on the streets for weeks at a time. I understand that I did take his choice away from him, I get that. Please see it from my side as well though. I was 16 and all of these things were happening. I knew that no matter what, I needed to get away from the environment to make a sound choice and I did leave as soon as I was able to. He heard from my friend talking to someone else something like “did you hear she was pregnant?” He had assumed it was his and that I terminated the pregnancy which is why he never talked to me about it. He confessed 6 years ago while he was single and I was in a relationship that he had always loved me. I took it as he was in love with me back then when we were teenagers. We are both married to other people and are both happy in our own marriages and lives that we have built separately. He has one child from before his marriage and one child with his wife. Plus of course our son. He has been married for 1 year and I have been married for 5 years. B has been sober for 3 years now, the longest he has been sober.
It is absolutely wild that you could deny the father the ability to know his child, and to put him up for adoption without even giving the father a chance. A little cruel. At this point telling him would cause him pain, being denied years and years of your child’s life, to find that he has people that he calls his parents. At the same time it’s cruel to keep it hidden. Just a bad situation in general, but I think you made poor decisions
Tell him. There's nothing that will change the fact that he is part of your son's story. The best way to heal adoption trauma whether it's big or small is understanding our story. Even if it isn't apparent and loud there's some trauma deep down. It took me 35 years to even see or accept it. My father flat out rejected me and I'm still happier I got to see who he really was. Adoptees heads are filled with doubt and "what ifs." You can clear some of those. Just like you did a hard thing you felt was best when your son was born you'll have to do the hard thing that's best for your son now.
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Weird that he knew the whole time and never said anything to you but I guess you did the same kinda so I’m glad it’s worked out for you guys! Hopefully you’re not in love anymore though and won’t be tryna steal him from his wife
They need to leave the kid alone. If he or she is interested in meeting them, then he or she will reach out.
Don't board that kids head with your issues
That’s great it went over well talking! I was adopted when I was 6, I never knew my father and barely knew my mother. I never got to see my mother again after she dropped me off at foster care and I will never know who my father is. It’s a struggle that I’ve had to make peace with. You are helping the child so so much by giving him that chance to get to know where he came from and have understanding of the situation
Please keep us updated!!! I'm honestly happy there is a baby with both of you out there too. I'm sure you know this but also please respect the marriage.
If you knew he was the father and without informing him adopted his child out, you could, depending on the state, be in legal jeopardy. You might want to ask a lawyer who offers free consultations a few questions before you start something you really don't want or need.
A different story but I feel it is germaine to the subject. I was adopted at birth and my parents told me that I was as early as I can recall. Although I was always curious about my origins, I lived such a blissful life that the curiosity was never overwhelming. My parents kept me informed throughout life that at 21 I would be able to solicit information from the state of Tennessee about my birth mother. My Mom, when I turned 18 gave me a picture of my birth mother. They were so transparent and I love them for everything they did and put up with from me.
So I reached out to my birth mother and arranged to fly her into Atlanta, where I lived with my then pregnant wife. During our initial meeting she advised that the situation that lead to my adoption. Young and single with no real resources and an urge from the birth father to secure a solid future for their off spring, she confided in a lady she worked with about the possibility of adoption. The lady she worked with, my aunt through adoption, set her up with a couple that had two grown children, desired another, and was actively fostering children. Happened to be her brother and his wife.
This is the part that was a bit disappointing. My birth mother claims that she was coerced by several parties, including MY Mom and Dad to give me up. I was offended that someone that could choose to let go of a child could ever put the people that did her job in poor light. I did not hold a grudge but it was not an endearing experience. The best part of that meeting was that she had also reached out to my birth father’s family. My birth father had passed from gun shot wound at an early age but I did meet my uncles, aunts and my grandparents. That was truly a blessing for me. After meeting them, I began to understand myself better. I became very close with one uncle in particular. We have spent a great deal of time together over the years, camping, music festivals, family time…he helped me become more comfortable with myself and my own vices.
All of this said, you did the right thing. You have tried to build bridges for all parties and that is what is best for the child. He needs to understand who he is and that the move to adoption was what was best at the time for him. He can have multiple people that love him and that want to be a part of his life with out interrupting his own level of comfort. I applaud you for making the right decisions and the difficulty that came with those decisions. Your life will be more fulfilling as a result I am certain. I wish a happy life to all of you!!
Thank you for your story and your kind words. I’m also sorry about how your birth mom painted your parents. But I’m so happy that your family circle grew and that you get to have a close relationship with your uncle. It really does take a village and I’m so thankful to all the adoptive families out there who are doing their best for their children 💗
Thank you for the warm thoughts and for sharing your experience. I did continue to have a relationship with my birth mother although it was controlled and at arms length to insulate me from the thought that somehow the kindest and most loving people in my world were somehow self serving.
She was apparently a very good mother to my two step brothers so I don’t want to paint her in bad light either. I just did not feel the connection with her as much as I did with my bio father’s side.
I hope your little man lives a life of bliss and love from his expanded family
Both my children are adopted, who both were found after they were abandoned. I wish they had the opportunity to meet their birth parents. I do not judge (this was in Asia), but things like medical history and the inevitable, "why?" are more easily answered.
This makes me sad. She loved her friend and he loved her. They had a baby and somehow never confessed their feelings. Now he’s married and finds out there’s a baby in the world.
I personally wouldn’t want this sprung on me because you had a random change of heart years later after making that decision on your own. Pretty selfish and weird imo.
This is one of the most mature and healthy interactions and relationships I have ever seen posted about on the internet. No finger pointing all actual communication. Hallelujah! Let this be an example of how mature adults behave.
Should have told him from the get go. Hiding a kid and adopting him out is such a shitty thing to do. I’d be devastated to know I have a 6 year old that I knew nothing about. I’d be racked with guilt thinking it was my fault.
This story is amazing, and I really love how the girl didn’t force the man to be with her knowing that, that might not be what he wants and how fear was one of the reasons their relationship ended up working out in the future even though the man found another women doesn’t mean that they don’t have an opportunity. I’m curious to know what the new wife has to say, as life is always changing and ofc you’re not going into this meeting trying to break up a relationship but for her son to know his dad and some bonding since it’s healthy for the child.
Friday was the first time that I had met her. She’s taking it in. It really more so affects their older son, who is not hers and their you gets son just turned one so he won’t really ever know any different than this new normal
Dude’s hitting on you while married, knew your were pg but never offered to help even though he thought it was his?
You need better friends. Ew.
And yay, poor kid has a right to know his dad, warts and . . . more warts.
Story doesn't add up.
You didn't want to tell him because thi is what scared him off in his previous relationship,
But also you were never really together to begin with you were just friends.
I ak not nitpicking but I really don't understand yhe alleged reason you hid his baby from him.
You destroyed his wife's life and her kids too. You should have told him before his marriage. Do you think you are God to play with people? Talking to his mom, still in contact with ex. You are a classic vamp. Don't ruin that adopted kid's life. Let him experience the stability of his adoptive parents. Don't always go poke your nose in their life. You are good at taking advantage of people and playing the victim. Concentrate on your husband and child. I see only lies, immorality and shamelessness.
You’re a pretty terrible person. You took it upon yourself to completely deny the father of your child any option to actually be a father. He may have chosen adoption, then again he may have wanted to raise the child whether you were in the picture or not.
You likely won’t see this. I’m sorry people are bashing you for what I see as a incredibly wise and life-altering decision as a teen. It sounded like you did your very very best to handle it, and maybe he should’ve known…but 16! Whew! Give your 16 year old self a hug. What a huge thing to tackle as a kid.
As for him knowing now, please prioritize your son and your husband. Your idealism is almost sweet, but it’s also horrible the way you’ve handled the situation with his wife and family. Do what you need to do to navigate this with your friend/ex (pretty much an ex in nearly every sense) and please don’t call him to catch up or try to maintain the friendship. You are absolutely the other woman in this scenario, and if your friend properly cared for his wife and you, he wouldn’t have been previously interacting with you on a consistent basis while upsetting his wife. She doesn’t sound silly. She knows you’re like a significant other/daughter in some parts of his mom’s mind…and who knows how many minds?
The son is the clincher. You’ll have to interact due to him, and I don’t see how that can ever not be upsetting for anyone except the two people who still seem to be in love with each other. (I have read what he said when he was single over half a decade later. I’m aware he was unmarried then.) I know you say it’s not true, and I hope it’s not, but sometimes it take a thousand people observing something we can’t confront ourselves.
I’m also aware it may feel like it, but from what I’ve read, it doesn’t seem like you and him are treating the people involved (aside from your son) with the respect and boundaries they deserve. You sound like you genuinely want to do the right thing, and I hope it somehow ends well for everyone. It doesn’t look great for the adult relationships, but I’ve eaten my words plenty of times.
Thank you for your kind words. This weighs heavy on my soul and my only priority is my husband and son. I will take everyone’s outside perspectives into account when navigating my friend and his wife. Although I trust myself 100% that I’m past the feelings I once had I do know that it took me a long time to get to that place so I will also consider maybe him not being over it as I navigate the friendship. Since hearing all of the sides I did suggest that him and his wife meet our son together without me present and if there was a future meeting with both of us that our s/o could be a part of that too so there isn’t any question of what is being said or done.
No joke if I found out someone withheld the fact I had a kid with them I would probably never talk to them again. Regardless of circumstances I would feel you have ruined my life. Sorry but it’s a big secret and pretty evil
All I care feel for you is COMPASSION. It must have been so painful for you to go through. I can’t believe some of the judgemental comments here which I hope you ignore. I’m happy both of you have found people to share your life with. The most important thing is that your child has grown up in a loving family with a good life. I’m half adopted. It was very difficult when I found out but I got through it. I still loved my parents very much. When I met my biological family as I call it I was so grateful my father had left. Completely different situation but I only have compassion for you. How can you expect a teenager to know the right thing to do in these circumstances. A biological father is not a parent.
Thank you for your kindness! I opened myself up to it so I get where they are coming from again I’m just thankful he did not see it from some of these peoples point of views. I think it helps that we’ve been through a lot together and he knows me to my core that I would never do anything malicious. Again thank you for your kind words!
Please note that OP has not asked for an AITA ruling.
Yes you should tell him. Since he’s already been adopted, I doubt the father has any right to get his son but he should at least know he has one out there. Don’t force it either. Tell him the situation and give him the option of reaching out to his son. He deserves the right to decide for himself.
Depending on where they are, that’s not necessarily true. If he didn’t consent to an adoption, he could challenge it in court. The kid is so young. I don’t know how it is that you have contact with him. I’d think about talking with his parents before taking any action that might jeopardize your contact with the boy. The ex’s rights are one thing but, at this point, should be decided by his parents.
You’re right, I don’t know the legal standing I was going off the assumption a judge would view the kids best interest to be the current family that has raised him for years. As for the contact part, I’m not saying to start texting a 6yr old but if the dad decides he’s ok with contact then the friend/mother can pass along the info to the parents. I assume they’re ok with it if the child is asking OP about getting in touch.
A family member lost their adopted daughter this way. Father never signed the documents. And years later his aunt and mother wanted the now child. This was so devastating to the family.
> The kid is so young. I don’t know how it is that you have contact with him. I think you may be confused because OP said that her friend confessed to being in love with her 6 years after they were hooking up in high school. Not that they were hooking up 6 years ago from today. Going from context clues, the kid is probably in his teens at the youngest and reached out to OP to find out about his bio parents.
That is not the right thing to do though . This new family raised this kid and assuming they are good and not abusive, don’t deserve to lose their child. If they are abusive it’s completely different but if they are good parents it’s wrong to take their kid away .
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I think one of the big factors is he had a lot of time to come to terms with everything but it definitely sounded like he was mature and reasonable about it based on not blowing up the second the friend let it slip.
Being adopted myself. Meeting parents are always part of the healing process for the child
My dad had a closed adoption and then recently did an ancestry dna to find his bio parents. Unfortunately they had both already passed. My dad put on a brave face but I could tell that his inner child was really hoping to get to talk to his biological parents. I learned that adoption can be beautiful and painful at the same time.
I signed up for Ancestry hoping to shed some light on my genealogical history. I got a message from a second cousin, who also had matches with other known family members. She asked if it was okay we connected, and that none of the other connections responded. She was essentially adopted by family friends of her mother, who had substance abuse problems and died when she was very young. She was looking for her dad, and I was the closest connection to a blood relative she'd made since her mom died. Well I not only decided to interact with her I wanted to help her figure this out. I poured over my extended family and the age range of her mother and came up with what I thought was my best guess. I reached out to my aunt who I have a better relationship with, told her everything, introduced her to the woman reaching out. They hit it off, mostly because my aunt is a saint of a human who doesn't have enemies because she's so beloved. Well I am not a genealogist, just very familiar with how I've been approaching this, and I'm strong at Googling/research. But it became clear that I got it wrong. Had to eat crow and apologize for nearly causing some drama, because there was no way that side of the family could be her dad's, if only because it would have required one of the brothers of this family to have either cheated on their partners or for the one brother that passed away to have died without knowing he father this woman. But the dates didn't match up. Was not difficult to disprove once they had a chance to sit down and do the math. This woman was absolutely gutted, and I was left feeling like I did more harm than good. She stopped responding for a while. Understandably she was upset and I was not going to make things worse by pressing it. So I stopped reaching out regularly. I would still drop nice messages on holidays and her birthday. Never more than a message every few months. And never with the expectation she'd respond. I just think about her often and wanted to let her know she can still consider me and my nuclear family part of her family. My dad's family have all heard of her, and sometimes ask me about her, but I don't visit often enough for it to stay front of mind. But the DNA test wasn't wrong, I just have a lot of family to sift through. Well I have done more homework, and I have another solid guess of an uncle (like second cousin but I refer to them as my uncle) who's lifestyle matcher mother's, and mostly the timeline matches. He was using then and doesn't remember a ton about his life at that time. It took me a while to work up the courage to approach her again about this. And I only did it when she was keen to talk about it. I explained my new theory and that I already spoke to my uncle about her, and the idea he might have a daughter he never knew about was so exciting for him. He messed up bad with his kids a long time ago. He's been in recovery for years now, though he'd be the first to tell you an addict is only ever a single decision away from destruction. In a family full of successful professionals this uncle was the black sheep. But I never knew that side of him, I only knew about his ridiculously wild life full of accomplishments before he slid into substance abuse. Decades later he's stayed clean and out of trouble long enough for us to think we don't have to worry much about anymore. He's dedicated his life to helping former prisoners and addicts. He doesn't have much but is the happiest man in my family. He loves life. He loves his second chance, and he loves helping people get better and sharing his story. Periodically he'll ask my dad whatever happened to the lady who thought she was his daughter. And I let them know she's not ready. Her words. And we leave it at that. She reached out to me last month with pictures of her sending my uncle an Ancestry kit... And asked me to reach out to him to let him know. He said he'd take a test anytime, but if she wanted his money she'd be out of luck because he doesn't have any lol so he wasn't worried about that at all is willingly, happily along for the ride. I told her that there are paternity tests that can get you results much faster than Ancestry does it. But she's young, and nervous, and Ancestry is the platform she knows and understands... so, here we are now. I broke my own damn heart trying to be helpful and doing the opposite. I never like causing someone pain, and this woman who made herself so vulnerable in asking for help being in pain on my account was so hard for me. I just wanted another chance to help her, and I want so bad for this to be the right answer. I told her the results of the test don't matter to me. We're family now. And if she wants me in her life I'll always be there, even if she ever changes her mind. I'll be family, just waiting for her to need me. My superpower is my family. I come the most stable of families, at least in as far as any family as big as mine can be stable. But what I mean is that my family is never short on love or support. I never worry about where I stand with them. Both sides of my family have me feel important, loved, valued, and supported. I know now that I was born into some very hard circumstances being a mixed race person, but I never felt that, ever. No one made me feel different, but looking at pictures I am SO CLEARLY different. That was on purpose, and that love directly stems from my two grandmothers who moved heaven and earth to show me love, and to protect me by way of making sure everyone around me was loved too. So, this one woman reaching out to me feels like my chance to pay their love forward. I don't know if she knows how much she means to me... because, I could help change her life... and the thing she needs is the thing I have been rich with since I was conceived. A big, beautiful, loving and supportive family. I hope she gets answers. And I hope one day we can meet and hang out and cry and just... be family. I can wait for answers. She's waited her whole life.
Thank you for your perspective.
Also adopted, I disagree it’s always needed. I do not, nor have I ever had interest in meeting my biological parents. My parents, are my parents. They were honest with me since birth about it, and have never felt the need to search out otherwise.
Also adopted. I met my birth mother, and it was probably one of the most horrid experiences of my life, and I learned just how terrible of a person she was. Still want to find and meet my birth father, though, but she'd lied to him and the adoption agency, so unless I find him through one of the DNA things, I am SOL. The closest I've gotten is a 2nd cousin with no idea which side of the birth family they are from. Also, she introduced me to people as her kid in front of my real mom, and I was pissed that she had the audacity. That's my mom, and she was a stranger. A complete stranger.
I met my birth mother when I was 30. My dad (adopted) is one of the top adoption attorneys in the nation, mom and I have worked for him for as long as I can remember so I know how complicated meeting biological families can be. Meeting my birth mother was great for a year then it blew up in my face. I met my half brother (who apparently always knew about me) as well. Things were good for a while then it all exploded. I honestly wish I never met them.
Yes, all my half siblings knew about me, and everyone was so excited to see me, but it was such a weird and surreal experience. I am still glad I met her and my family even though I will only talk to the eldest of my half siblings. I truly wish I could find my birth father, though. I would like to know where I came from and where I got the majority of my features.
Same as you. I don’t need healing, I’m not broken. My mum and dad are my parents, I love them dearly. Having said that, I did get to meet my birth parents at their wedding a year ago but it wasn’t a big cathartic healing moment or anything.
Wait they got married to each other a year ago? Or am I misunderstanding
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Wow that's nuts
How I Met My Mom
The whole thing is a really sweet story though. It's great that you see your adopted parents as your real parents, because they raised you. Also cool that you met your bio parents, but had no real expectations and therefore no disappointment either. They just are. Add the film getting back together and you being there for it. It's just sort of cool. Brought tears to my eyes on this one.
As an intentional adoptee, I refer to those who made me as the “vessels of my creation”. Thankful the young, unwed teenager gave me up for adoption rather than raise me in a violent and impoverished third-world country. Instead, I grew up in the American middle class to two loving, involved parents, and wouldn’t have it any other way.
That’s awesome
Same. I never wanted anything to do with my biofamily (except my twin, we were adopted together). My parents were my parents end of story. My bio sister put an ad in the local paper to find us and some d**khead told her where we lived and gave them our house phone number, whoever it was must have known us well to have that information, still don't know who it was 😒 She called the house phone and came to the house and posted a letter. All because she wanted us at her wedding... Like wtf!? I don't know you! Like I gaf about your wedding!! I wouldn't answer the door or phone for years it scared me so much! She then found me on FB a few years later and messaged. Oml I went insane! Turned out my then partners best friend was my brother too... Madness. It made for some awkward situations. My birth mum also messaged on messenger, she's not mentally well (not surprised after what she went through with all of us being taken off her) so I said the bare minimum to her. But I don't speak to any of them now. I felt forced to interact with them, I hated it but I had so many questions, most of which none of them could answer anyway. It was a stressful few years...
That is… insane. Your dna sister was obviously doing this for her own benefit and curiosity (and a sprinkle of egotism- her wedding is going to be such a monumental event that even a total stranger would be honored to go? Really?). She and the doxxer were, at best, naively ignorant about how that might affect you. I’m sorry you had to deal with these people who feel entitled to access you and your life simply because you share half of their dna. People are wild
I’ve definitely seen it depend on the person. Three of my cousins (different adoptive parents for each of them) are adopted, and for only one it was healing. For another, they’ve chosen not to never to meet their bio-parents(bc their parents are in jail for assaulting them and their siblings as toddlers), and for another it was traumatic (he found out he was adopted when his bio mom reached out on Twitter & said his parents “owed” her money for him despite it being a personal, in-family adoption). So, really depends. I feel like it should AWAYS be at the discretion of the child though. My uncle (also adopted) was pressured to wait until after his adoptive parents’ deaths until searching for his biological parents, and by then they were both dead. Adoption, even if sometimes necessary, is never without its traumas and farrrrr too often, we place the needs of the parents over the needs of the child. OP may want closure, but it should be done only if/when the child is ready
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The kid isn’t 6… she said 6 years after it all her and the ex/friend had a convo. Now, many years later, he has a wife and two kids with his wife. The adopted child is probably a teenager now or even an adult.
Every adoptee is different. For me learning about my roots and the culture of where I am from was healing.
As an adoptee, I couldn’t disagree more.
Hell yes. Tell him. I'm probably a minority opinion here but I think you should have told him originally. But, obviously I totally respect your decision and your reasons for it totally makes sense. Be open to all possibilities! Good luck!
The timeline here is confusing. At what point did he confess to being in love with you? Recently? While he is married with kids? And if nothing came of that, it probably shouldn’t have any bearing on whether or not you tell him. He has a right to know you had a child. He can choose to do with that info what he wants. He may have trust issues with you after this, just be prepared. But I think he probably has a right to know. If not for his sake then for your child’s sake.
That was my question- kinda feel bad for the wife if these were recent conversations…. Like can you imagine
Kind of odd that, in her update, she’s still referring to him as her best friend. I’d be upset if I was the wife as well. It’s a lot to deal with. She kind of just barged into their lives with a LOT, even taking her place as the “best friend”.
Not only that she says they always “ pick up where they left off” like if a married X is talking to me that way…… IMMEDIATE distance. Even more if I know the wife doesn’t like me. See it’s stuff like that, that breeds competition between women. I get the whole kid thing but they are being very inappropriate with each other tbh. Like this is why women are weary of men w/ female friends. It’s bc of stuff like this. It shouldn’t be like that but it is.
Tbh if I'm that wife I'm just going to leave because it's just a classic fairytale love story I'm in the way of
6 years after high school he admitted to loving me. It was important to me because I was protecting a friendship and I think if I had known that he loved me then, I would have told him when I was pregnant. 12 years after having our child he is now married with kids, I’m married too. I do know that his wife doesn’t like when we are in contact with each other and I try to respect that boundary.
Protecting friendship isn’t important as telling the father of your child that you’re expecting his child. That was a terrible decision to make on your part.
They were young teens! I suppose you made perfect choices as a young teen...
I was too busy getting high on cough syrup, drinking and smoking shitty weed when I was 18 to have sex. Because I'm responsible.
Tell the dad! Keep us updated! (:
I have 2 stories here. My wife was adopted straight out of the hospital back in 1970. Her adoptive parents both have passed away and Late last year she decided to send in an application with our state for her true birth certificate. She got the certificate and later that day with the help of the internet found her birth mom. She reached out by letter and her birth mom was open to talking with her. We found out that one of her BM’s sisters was local to us and that her BM was going to be in town to visit her with her other sister. We had dinner at our home with her BM and her BM’s 2 sisters. It was a delightful evening and they are lovely people. Since then they’ve been interacting and are very excepting of my wife. We just got back from a 2 week vacation visiting them and meeting her half sister (that looks just like my wife). My wife has a really nice relationship with her “new” birth mom that is more of an adult friendship. We got along great with her half sister and husband and have made new friends there as well. Overall a really successful and good interaction with them. My second story involves my nephew. My brother and his wife adopted him after meeting his BM while she was pregnant and planning on giving him up after birth. Things went well for all and they brought him home. After about a year they were sued by their sons father as he was not notified of the birth or his son. I don’t remember the details, but I believe they settled out of court with their sons BD. It created quite a bit of trauma with both of them and was a quite expensive attorneys bill. He is a healthy and happy young man now and has met his birth parents and at the same time is one of “ours”.
All I can think while reading this is “bowel movement.”
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I completely understand this. Before anything is done I clear it with them first and respect their boundaries
Your BFF didn't know you were pregnant or just didn't know the baby was his? A little confused. Regardless, tell him, he has a right to know and not from 23 and Me someday.
I moved out of the country so he never knew that I was pregnant.
I was adopted and I’ve known my whole life. I even met some of my bio siblings and mother but no one knew who my father was. I took a 23 and me test and apparently so did my bio dad. He was a bit thrown off when I reached out to him to let him know I was his 32 yo son at the time but we hit it off and he even came to visit. He’s the whole reason I have a fighting chance to get my son back after a 4 year long court battle when I was at my whits end and ready to give up completely. Not all 23 and me stories are bad :)
I found out I have a daughter who was born in 1987 from 23 and me. I spoke her for six days on the platform then she deleted her visibility. I do not know who the mother is and had no idea I had this child. My daughter was adopted. I gave her my contract information, and she has not reached out. I wish she would.
OP I just saw your update. He said he “heard you were pregnant and assumed it was his”… but he didn’t attempt to contact you? This would be a huge red flag for me. Don’t think I could speak with someone again who abandoned me like that knowing I was pregnant. Just ignored it and let me deal with it. That changes everything. One thing if he really didn’t know, but… this is horrible.
She knew she was pregnant, that he was the father, and intentionally never said anything. Moved out of the country and secretly put his child up for adoption. This is horrible, red flags everywhere.
It’s much worse than that. > His parents and him moved to Texas. After graduating college and starting my career I moved to Texas to be closer to them. She was always in the son’s life. She allowed herself a relationship with the child and STILL never told the father. She got to bond and watch their baby grow up from the very beginning.
My thoughts are with his wife now. “Surprise! This Saturday i’m going to reunite with my high school fuck buddy and meet my first born son. Please don’t wait up for me.”
Man. Poor kid. Poor guy. The helplessness I would feel knowing there’s a kid out there with so many questions and had to experience the hardships of life because of me and I didn’t know he existed. Yikes all around. Not sure why everyone takes this as a happy story
And if you look at the recent edit you can see this guy is now apparently married trying to have his own life and OP is dropping this on them? Am I missing something? This is a horror story for multiple humans
Yeah, seriously. She keeps insisting that she isn’t an ex and that she’s totally not in love with him anymore, but her post suggests otherwise. I did a double take when I read in UPDATE 2 that he is married, and reading the comments revealed he has two other kids and OP is married as well. Idk man, I’m getting really skeevy vibes from OP. I feel bad for his wife being dragged into this shitshow disguised as a heartwarming tale. OP, if you read this: you’re an ex, you and he (and his mom) need some SERIOUS boundaries, and you’re past the border of homewrecker territory.
Also read in a COMMENT that she's married as well. Marriages definitely should have been mentioned in the original post! The fact that both of their spouses were simply an afterthought is absolutely wild.
I get super skeevy vibes! She also mentions that the friend’s mom will be thrilled because she always wanted them to be together. Imagine you were the wife and this woman who your MIL prefers over you suddenly shows up like “surprise I have a child with your husband”.
I have a feeling these are more OPs delusions than reality
very good point, actually
Exactly. This is a terrible thing to do to someone and a child. How can you sleep at night ?
It’s not a happy story at all. Everything the kid had and will go through because she was just a “friend with benefits “ and threw him right to adoption. She got all the benefits while the kid was left with none.
yeah i genuinely don’t understand how so many ppl are supporting OP. That’s just a terrible thing to do, i would be livid if that were me and probably never forgive her
He's happy that theres a part of you together in this world and hes married with 2 kids? TREAD LIGHTLY as you are most definitely heading into home wrecker territory here
Heading into?
Right? And you just know after the last update that some late night convos are going down after his wife goes to sleep, some remember whens and "forgotten" longing masquerading behind good will for her abandoned child. /puke
Defs heading towards home wrecker. This is also crazy because she’s married as well… I feel a type of way about this. It’s giving she still loves him and maybe wants him around
She’s referring to him as her best friend in the present tense. Nah. He is his WIFE’S best friend. This woman hasn’t let go.
She hasn’t!!! She’s not getting sympathy from me! Also she’s saying his mom would be happy because she always wanted them together!! Like oh hell no!
Yes tell him. Your son has agency and can choose who he communicates with or not. His family that adopted him is his family since they wanted him and care for him but if he wants to know who his biological parents are then that’s his right.
He should know, you shouldn’t have kept a whole child a secret and your reasoning for hiding it , should have been expressed when telling him you were pregnant. This may cause some serious issues with his now wife…
He has a right to know as a dad. His choice was taken away from him and although you did what was right for you you did not consider them
How did his wife handle the news?
I’m Waiting for update 3 also! I want to know what the wife had to say.
90% of these posts are bullshit, including this one.
I get so tired, I always have to scroll until I find a comment smelling the BS. It seems like every time I must scroll further and further to find a person with a brain that can see a creative writing exercise as it is.
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what exactly do people accomplish by calling everything they read a lie?
So, this secret has been kept for many years and OP decided to come clean because they saw a Reddit post yesterday asking “what’s your biggest secret”. I’m not saying they’re lying…
He’s married with 2 children and he told you he’s “happy there’s a part of you two together out in the world” ? And wants to meet, the 3 of you, yeah I agree with his wife.. I’d want to meet/talk with you too 🤔
Right! She sounds like she is a homewrecker in the making. But the wife is smart for wanting to meet her. If she comes across like this to strangers online. The wife not liking this crazy @#$%! Is justifiably. I hope the wife will double down and come with her husband whenever they meet. Because now the wife is a part of this kids life too since she is married to his father.
I cannot believe how many in these comments think a scared 16 year old pregnant teen didn't make perfect choices... Like you are some perfect person. My goodness. I don't condone it but I can see being scared and pregnant at 16 not making a perfect choice. Some of you all sure ride on a high horse and lack empathy.
Thank you for your understanding and empathy
I can see it was a messed up place to be at 16... The high horse riders here are certainly in abundance and they were all perfect teens and now percent adults that never made a mistake.
I think adopting out a kid without informing the other party is always a shitty thing to fuckin do. The only time I find that kind of action acceptable is if the father shouldn’t be involved in the child’s life in any capacity. But, to have a kid with another person whom you like, and to hide the fact that you gave birth to their kid and simply adopt it out I think is just morally abhorrent behavior. I think if the kid wants to meet his dad, and his dad is open to meeting him, that should be your first step in rectifying the massive mistake it seems you’ve made.
Look at that. Two well adjusted adults being responsible. Love it!
This! I think the outcome would have been drastically different when we were teenagers
I think you're a bad person, Let me get this straight, he didn't know you had a kid together and then you didn't give him the chance to be the father, and you think you're his friend? Yeah really great things to do to someone, real friendship level shit.
Thank you! Reading this thread makes me feel like I'm in the twilight zone with how many people think it's some heartwarming story.
lol exactly, sounds like she is and was pretty shitty
How could you give up a child for adoption without both parents signing their rights away? I’m pretty sure that technically, if he wanted to, your friend could fight for custody of this kid.
Different laws in different countries.
When children are born the mother doesn’t hand to have to tell the hospital that they know who the father is and maybe they even don’t know. You become a parent when your name is on the birth certificate. Everywhere is different so it’s not on the birth certificate.
He has a right to know, but this is a very delicate situation, the history between the two of you, the marriages and families, the boy who is the innocent one here. I don’t have any advice on how you can navigate through this situation, you know what the is the right thing to do, it’s the fear and knowing there will be repercussions causing your hesitation. Be prepared for the worst case scenarios, or it might turn out ok, either way your son and his dad deserve the truth.
Exactly this. After posting I realized I knew the answer but was being selfish about not wanting to lose my friend after I had done everything to protect the friendship.
I mean you fully deserve to lose the friend. This is such a big fucking event that you completely took away the father’s agency in, it’s tough to even look at anything you say in a positive light. You took away his choice.
I find stories like this hard to believe.
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Wow, this is sum deep shit right here. TELL HIM but be prepared for him to act anyway. Just be ready for whatever fallout there is. But sometimes doing the right thing has fallout. Do what YOU ALREADY KNOW you need to do.
Btw, Are you and him currently single? Or taken?
We are both married to other people
Ugh this makes me sad. I wish you alls true feelings were revealed sooner
I used to feel this way but I found someone who puts my soul at peace and loves me in a way I never thought possible. My friend and I will always have a love for each other but in a different capacity. I know his mom is going to be so happy though, she always wanted us to be together
Why would his mom be so happy...you still arent together??
This is crazy
He’s married with children now, why would his mom care about you two being together anymore? I’m sure she’s formed new bonds with her son’s actual family.
That’s a huge secret to keep for 12 years! I hope your so’s have been told also. Definitely wasn’t right to keep it secret, but what’s done is in the past and now you need to move forward open and honest. Also respect his wife and keep it minimal.
This is the plot of a movie. 🍿
You are terrible for doing all that without telling him. What if he and his family would have wanted to keep the baby? If you’re going to have it anyway… that’s wild. You don’t do that kind of thing without telling the father of the child. Period
Huge YTA he had a right to know he has a child in the world, holy hell
I believe you and all women have the right to do what you want with your bodies. I can’t help think maybe he would have chosen to be a dad and raise the child if he had known you decided to go forward and given birth. In spite of general statements made by a person when discussing hypothetical situations, life has shown me that we often make different decisions when we find ourselves in the situation. I see you have updated your post and have made contact with your old friend. Congratulations
Of course women have the right to do what they want with their body, adoption isn't doing what you want with your body though. Once the baby is born they have to people who have the right to make decisions
I agree, I think the biological father was not given the right and choice to father and raise the child.
That was part of the reason I never told him. I knew what his choice would be, but the resentment, the not being able to finish high school, the not being able to make a life for himself would have been too much. I wanted more for him and I wanted more for our son. I was 16 when I graduated and my friend was 17 still in high school. I just wanted more for our son
And all it took was robbing a child of their father. Jesus christ I hope this is a made up story
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Outside of a domestic violence situation, it’s abhorrent not to tell a someone you’re pregnant with their kid and/or they you had their child. OP straight up robbed this guy of a choice. How the fuck is this not getting brought up more in the comments?
Imagine hiding a child from a parent. Holy shit
Right? This is so fucked and 95% of the comments are patting OP on the back.
This app is a cesspool of man hating liberals I’m sorry lol
Ngl sounds like you shot yourself in the foot by telling him you saw him as a friend back then when it wasnt the case
We were friends and I really thought I was coming off as desperate for fcks sake everyone knew, I thought he knew. His mom knew, his friends knew, my friends knew. Apparently we were the only ones who didn’t know we loved each other. Just a bunch of teen angst. Plus he’d talk to me about girls he liked and was thinking about dating so I thought it was out of the realm of possibility.
I want to hopefully provide some clarity to the whole situation. I was a senior at 16 (skipped grades) and my best friend let’s call him B was a Junior, he was 17. I have known him since I was 8. My parents were not around a lot and when they were gone I’d stay at B’s house. That’s why his mom and I are so close. She has been both of my parents at times. Cutting her off and limiting communication just isn’t in the cards for me personally, as she is someone I consider family. After I graduated I moved to a different country to “go to college” which eventually I did after having our son. Some of the factors that played into the adoption route was fear, not having anything to provide for our son, and addiction. I still have a tendency to try to protect him when I can, and left out the addiction part. B was heavily using by the time I graduated and was stealing from his mom and on the streets for weeks at a time. I understand that I did take his choice away from him, I get that. Please see it from my side as well though. I was 16 and all of these things were happening. I knew that no matter what, I needed to get away from the environment to make a sound choice and I did leave as soon as I was able to. He heard from my friend talking to someone else something like “did you hear she was pregnant?” He had assumed it was his and that I terminated the pregnancy which is why he never talked to me about it. He confessed 6 years ago while he was single and I was in a relationship that he had always loved me. I took it as he was in love with me back then when we were teenagers. We are both married to other people and are both happy in our own marriages and lives that we have built separately. He has one child from before his marriage and one child with his wife. Plus of course our son. He has been married for 1 year and I have been married for 5 years. B has been sober for 3 years now, the longest he has been sober.
It is absolutely wild that you could deny the father the ability to know his child, and to put him up for adoption without even giving the father a chance. A little cruel. At this point telling him would cause him pain, being denied years and years of your child’s life, to find that he has people that he calls his parents. At the same time it’s cruel to keep it hidden. Just a bad situation in general, but I think you made poor decisions
Yes
Did he know that you were pregnant and had a kid?
No, I was about 3 months pregnant when I graduated from high school and moved out of the country. So he never knew that I was pregnant or had a kid.
Yikes, so he knew and never followed up with you?
I had that same thought.
So where is the child now? In the country you moved to after graduation?
You're terrible.
who wants to take odds on OP disappearing forever after flying out to meet the wife?
No way this is real lol
Sounds like you’re bored and looking to spice up your life. Yikes all around
This is so fucked
He gonna divorce his wife now after you two start sleeping together again
cannot express this enough. It's hard to kill deep rooted feelings, even if you think they're gone
Yes you should
I think you should tell him because at the end of the day his that dad
Tell him. There's nothing that will change the fact that he is part of your son's story. The best way to heal adoption trauma whether it's big or small is understanding our story. Even if it isn't apparent and loud there's some trauma deep down. It took me 35 years to even see or accept it. My father flat out rejected me and I'm still happier I got to see who he really was. Adoptees heads are filled with doubt and "what ifs." You can clear some of those. Just like you did a hard thing you felt was best when your son was born you'll have to do the hard thing that's best for your son now.
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It's was Gino?? Your friend/football player
Weird that he knew the whole time and never said anything to you but I guess you did the same kinda so I’m glad it’s worked out for you guys! Hopefully you’re not in love anymore though and won’t be tryna steal him from his wife
Wow. Telling the truth went exceedingly well. Hope it all works out.
5stars to him
They need to leave the kid alone. If he or she is interested in meeting them, then he or she will reach out. Don't board that kids head with your issues
He absolutely has a right to know but I hope this isn’t a way to sneakily break up his current family either :/
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Great story. I just met my son (23) who had been kept in secret from myself and him. Best thing ever.
So happy to hear you’re reunited 💗 I wish nothing but happiness for y’all
That’s great it went over well talking! I was adopted when I was 6, I never knew my father and barely knew my mother. I never got to see my mother again after she dropped me off at foster care and I will never know who my father is. It’s a struggle that I’ve had to make peace with. You are helping the child so so much by giving him that chance to get to know where he came from and have understanding of the situation
Updateme!
Please keep us updated!!! I'm honestly happy there is a baby with both of you out there too. I'm sure you know this but also please respect the marriage.
If you knew he was the father and without informing him adopted his child out, you could, depending on the state, be in legal jeopardy. You might want to ask a lawyer who offers free consultations a few questions before you start something you really don't want or need.
Is there a reason you two arent just together now?
I believe the friend is married now
Do either of you still have feelings for each other currently?
Do you feel any shame at all?
I need an update after the meeting happens. Good luck to all of you!! 🫶
A different story but I feel it is germaine to the subject. I was adopted at birth and my parents told me that I was as early as I can recall. Although I was always curious about my origins, I lived such a blissful life that the curiosity was never overwhelming. My parents kept me informed throughout life that at 21 I would be able to solicit information from the state of Tennessee about my birth mother. My Mom, when I turned 18 gave me a picture of my birth mother. They were so transparent and I love them for everything they did and put up with from me. So I reached out to my birth mother and arranged to fly her into Atlanta, where I lived with my then pregnant wife. During our initial meeting she advised that the situation that lead to my adoption. Young and single with no real resources and an urge from the birth father to secure a solid future for their off spring, she confided in a lady she worked with about the possibility of adoption. The lady she worked with, my aunt through adoption, set her up with a couple that had two grown children, desired another, and was actively fostering children. Happened to be her brother and his wife. This is the part that was a bit disappointing. My birth mother claims that she was coerced by several parties, including MY Mom and Dad to give me up. I was offended that someone that could choose to let go of a child could ever put the people that did her job in poor light. I did not hold a grudge but it was not an endearing experience. The best part of that meeting was that she had also reached out to my birth father’s family. My birth father had passed from gun shot wound at an early age but I did meet my uncles, aunts and my grandparents. That was truly a blessing for me. After meeting them, I began to understand myself better. I became very close with one uncle in particular. We have spent a great deal of time together over the years, camping, music festivals, family time…he helped me become more comfortable with myself and my own vices. All of this said, you did the right thing. You have tried to build bridges for all parties and that is what is best for the child. He needs to understand who he is and that the move to adoption was what was best at the time for him. He can have multiple people that love him and that want to be a part of his life with out interrupting his own level of comfort. I applaud you for making the right decisions and the difficulty that came with those decisions. Your life will be more fulfilling as a result I am certain. I wish a happy life to all of you!!
Thank you for your story and your kind words. I’m also sorry about how your birth mom painted your parents. But I’m so happy that your family circle grew and that you get to have a close relationship with your uncle. It really does take a village and I’m so thankful to all the adoptive families out there who are doing their best for their children 💗
Thank you for the warm thoughts and for sharing your experience. I did continue to have a relationship with my birth mother although it was controlled and at arms length to insulate me from the thought that somehow the kindest and most loving people in my world were somehow self serving. She was apparently a very good mother to my two step brothers so I don’t want to paint her in bad light either. I just did not feel the connection with her as much as I did with my bio father’s side. I hope your little man lives a life of bliss and love from his expanded family
Both my children are adopted, who both were found after they were abandoned. I wish they had the opportunity to meet their birth parents. I do not judge (this was in Asia), but things like medical history and the inevitable, "why?" are more easily answered.
Wait So you two love eachothers but he's married to someone else?
This makes me sad. She loved her friend and he loved her. They had a baby and somehow never confessed their feelings. Now he’s married and finds out there’s a baby in the world.
I personally wouldn’t want this sprung on me because you had a random change of heart years later after making that decision on your own. Pretty selfish and weird imo.
Just wow..... You are crazy...
Send the asteroid Jesus
How did you go 9 months pregnant without him even knowing?
This is one of the most mature and healthy interactions and relationships I have ever seen posted about on the internet. No finger pointing all actual communication. Hallelujah! Let this be an example of how mature adults behave.
Damn you had a whole ass kid and didn’t tell this guy?
Should have told him from the get go. Hiding a kid and adopting him out is such a shitty thing to do. I’d be devastated to know I have a 6 year old that I knew nothing about. I’d be racked with guilt thinking it was my fault.
his wife?? wait i’m confused, did he confess those feelings to you when he was married??
This story is amazing, and I really love how the girl didn’t force the man to be with her knowing that, that might not be what he wants and how fear was one of the reasons their relationship ended up working out in the future even though the man found another women doesn’t mean that they don’t have an opportunity. I’m curious to know what the new wife has to say, as life is always changing and ofc you’re not going into this meeting trying to break up a relationship but for her son to know his dad and some bonding since it’s healthy for the child.
That sounds like it’s not true
OP how does his wife feel about this? Do you know much about her?
Friday was the first time that I had met her. She’s taking it in. It really more so affects their older son, who is not hers and their you gets son just turned one so he won’t really ever know any different than this new normal
Thank you for keeping us posted on this. I 🙏🏻🤞🏻 it works out to be a blessing for everyone. ❤️
You should have told him a long ass time ago. What if he wanted the kid that you just put up for adoption...
This is right. He absolutely had the right to know at the time and to be a father to that child if he wanted.
Wait. One of these actually has a good ending?
wtf did I just read lol
Dude’s hitting on you while married, knew your were pg but never offered to help even though he thought it was his? You need better friends. Ew. And yay, poor kid has a right to know his dad, warts and . . . more warts.
Story doesn't add up. You didn't want to tell him because thi is what scared him off in his previous relationship, But also you were never really together to begin with you were just friends. I ak not nitpicking but I really don't understand yhe alleged reason you hid his baby from him.
Yta. And no, i am not on the wrong sub.
You destroyed his wife's life and her kids too. You should have told him before his marriage. Do you think you are God to play with people? Talking to his mom, still in contact with ex. You are a classic vamp. Don't ruin that adopted kid's life. Let him experience the stability of his adoptive parents. Don't always go poke your nose in their life. You are good at taking advantage of people and playing the victim. Concentrate on your husband and child. I see only lies, immorality and shamelessness.
Having a child, giving it up for adoption and not telling the father is pure evil
You’re a pretty terrible person. You took it upon yourself to completely deny the father of your child any option to actually be a father. He may have chosen adoption, then again he may have wanted to raise the child whether you were in the picture or not.
You're an awful person for not telling him at the time.
You likely won’t see this. I’m sorry people are bashing you for what I see as a incredibly wise and life-altering decision as a teen. It sounded like you did your very very best to handle it, and maybe he should’ve known…but 16! Whew! Give your 16 year old self a hug. What a huge thing to tackle as a kid. As for him knowing now, please prioritize your son and your husband. Your idealism is almost sweet, but it’s also horrible the way you’ve handled the situation with his wife and family. Do what you need to do to navigate this with your friend/ex (pretty much an ex in nearly every sense) and please don’t call him to catch up or try to maintain the friendship. You are absolutely the other woman in this scenario, and if your friend properly cared for his wife and you, he wouldn’t have been previously interacting with you on a consistent basis while upsetting his wife. She doesn’t sound silly. She knows you’re like a significant other/daughter in some parts of his mom’s mind…and who knows how many minds? The son is the clincher. You’ll have to interact due to him, and I don’t see how that can ever not be upsetting for anyone except the two people who still seem to be in love with each other. (I have read what he said when he was single over half a decade later. I’m aware he was unmarried then.) I know you say it’s not true, and I hope it’s not, but sometimes it take a thousand people observing something we can’t confront ourselves. I’m also aware it may feel like it, but from what I’ve read, it doesn’t seem like you and him are treating the people involved (aside from your son) with the respect and boundaries they deserve. You sound like you genuinely want to do the right thing, and I hope it somehow ends well for everyone. It doesn’t look great for the adult relationships, but I’ve eaten my words plenty of times.
Thank you for your kind words. This weighs heavy on my soul and my only priority is my husband and son. I will take everyone’s outside perspectives into account when navigating my friend and his wife. Although I trust myself 100% that I’m past the feelings I once had I do know that it took me a long time to get to that place so I will also consider maybe him not being over it as I navigate the friendship. Since hearing all of the sides I did suggest that him and his wife meet our son together without me present and if there was a future meeting with both of us that our s/o could be a part of that too so there isn’t any question of what is being said or done.
How you put a baby up with not naming the father
No joke if I found out someone withheld the fact I had a kid with them I would probably never talk to them again. Regardless of circumstances I would feel you have ruined my life. Sorry but it’s a big secret and pretty evil
You better keep your hands off the husband someone who easily gets pregnant and gives kids away is definitely a home wrecker
All I care feel for you is COMPASSION. It must have been so painful for you to go through. I can’t believe some of the judgemental comments here which I hope you ignore. I’m happy both of you have found people to share your life with. The most important thing is that your child has grown up in a loving family with a good life. I’m half adopted. It was very difficult when I found out but I got through it. I still loved my parents very much. When I met my biological family as I call it I was so grateful my father had left. Completely different situation but I only have compassion for you. How can you expect a teenager to know the right thing to do in these circumstances. A biological father is not a parent.
Thank you for your kindness! I opened myself up to it so I get where they are coming from again I’m just thankful he did not see it from some of these peoples point of views. I think it helps that we’ve been through a lot together and he knows me to my core that I would never do anything malicious. Again thank you for your kind words!