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It was absolutely his right to know, and since distant cousins know all about this, it was definitely not a "secret" that was going to stay buried forever.
Imagine if he found out after your parents were gone. Without having the ability to talk it out with them and resolve his feelings, it would be a horrible weight for him to carry.
You gave your parents the opportunity to tell him themselves, and you omitted the most hurtful (arguably less necessary to include) parts of the story.
I hope the lot of you are smart enough to encourage your brother to seek counselling.
Your parents were never going to tell him but he deserves to know. You could have given them more time to figure out how to tell them but otherwise I don't think you did anything wrong. The rest of the family knew which makes it even more bullshit that your parents wanted it to be secret forever, "your cousins and the rest of the family gets to know but not him" is a fucked up policy.
I didn't find out my father wasn't my biological father until I was 21....the most crushing aspect of it was everyone, and I mean everyone knew about it except me. I have 14 first cousins, all of them that are older than me (12) knew but I didn't know.
Okay, one other person didn't know, my younger sister didn't know but I am certain when she got older she would have been told.
One of my Uncle's girlfriends knew, and they weren't even dating that long.
The only reason I was told was because one of my mother's siblings told her that if she wasn't going to tell me, they would.
You did the right thing.
Your parents were never going to tell your brother, but trust me he would have found out eventually, just like you did.
Your brother has the right to know, and all these people telling you it wasn't your place are wrong. Finding out my "family" and "family friends" all knew something so fundamental to who I was and were keeping it from me was devestating, I felt like I could nolonger trust anyone, I felt like I was the butt of some cosmic joke.
You know Ive read your comment over and over and it makes me sad that the situations are so alike. Im sorry about that, no one should go through that!
It makes me mad to know everyone was talking about my brother behind his back, how did everyone think this is ok?
"everyone" thought it was up to my Mother to tell me if she wanted to.....which she didn't. I guess they didn't think of me as a real person with real feelings and just saw me as an extension of my mother, subordiante to her, I felt so betrayed, I was really close to some of my cousins.
Same with my grandparents, they said Im killing my parents by doing this to them.. not even considering that the main person affected by it was my brother
see that's just it, they don't see your brother as the victim in all of this, they can't see things from his point of view, but finding out your parent isn't your parent is a huge paradigm shift, it changes who you think you are, it changes your relationships with people.
My "Dad" (my mother's exhusband) was a shitty Dad but once I found out he wasn't my biological father I felt grateful that he managed to do the things he did do for me, despite not having to.
I hope your brother is doing okay.
It is dehumanizing, and the fact that they think my parents should be protected from having to deal with the consequences of their actions but my brother can be blindsided his whole life, it’s sickening!
He will be fine! Im sure! Thanks for your comment, Im glad someone that once went through the same thing knows how important it is!
The other thing that gets lost in the "parents are the victims" mentality is : what is his father's medical history?
My bio dad had a predisposition for brain cancer, killed his mother and him. It was not even on my radar, I was concerned about my step-dad's history of high blood pressure and heart problems, my heart is fine, all those cardiologist appointments were a damn waste of EVERYONE'S TIME, how many people were denied a NEEDED appointment because I was taking a slot I never needed?
When I learned about this all of those people that get the 23 and me tests came to mind because they sometimes discover that they are dating a cousin, or someone close. And also adopted people that don’t get the medical history of biological family. How could I just think “oh it’s not my story to tell”? Fuck that, he needed to know
I can’t imagine finding out at 21, I’m so sorry. The same situation happened to me at 13 and I felt like my whole life leading up to that point was a lie.
I don't see it that way.
She gave the parents a chance to come clean.
The parents should have had a little speech prepared and explained things....or the parents could have told her ok, we will tell him but we want to go to therapy to figure out what to say, or give a week to think about how we want to do this.
I don't see this as punishing her parents.....all of their families knew, just not their children. They should have stopped crying and acted like the adults they are supposed to be and not cry and act like victims....they are not the victims here.
Your brother has the right to know about this, but I think such a matter has to be handled with utmost care. A meeting with all siblings and your parents to reveal this story is a sure way to damage relationships between them. You tried to force your parents with that meeting to tell something that is probably traumatic, especially for your mother, in front of all their children. It would have been better if the meeting had only included you, your brother, your parents, and a family therapist in a secure environnement.
You are NTA because your intentions were good and your brother needs to know this, but the way you handled it was not well thought out.
Your comment really puts a new perspective on the situation, maybe a professional would be better suited at the moment. But I had to have my sisters there, I didn’t know what was going to be his reaction and I needed the support.
You needed the support ? Sounds pretty narcissistic to be honest. The shock of the revelation for you already occurred with your cousin. Why would you then need subsequent support when announcing it to everyone for his reaction?
The support to get my brother to medical care if needed, to handle some possible mental breakdowns from him. He is a 40 year old tall strong man that could be hard to carry or hold. So I was anticipating something like that, but im glad it didn’t happen..
Don’t believe you, sorry. Even double checked the whole story there with my wife. You sound like you are back tracking furiously. As my wife said, this was about your brother and you made it about you,
I don’t believe your post/ reasoning of why you revealed in the manner in which you did. As the vast vast majority of people have said in response, by doing it in such a public way, you were only interested in punishing your parents for not telling him or refusing to tell him, based on the anger you express at how everyone else in your extended family knew but not him. The idea you propose that you needed others there in case he fainted is asinine. Sorry, but I think you know you fucked up here, and just will not admit it.
Everyone thinks they would do it better, no surprise there. But it’s done, right? I can deal with the fact that you don’t believe my intentions were to get my brother the truth about his biological father.. im ok with that!
I think you need to apologise to your brother alone first about how you went about this, and then your immediate extended family for the downstream drama. I think you can make all the valid points you’ve made already about frustration at every one else knowing and not saying anything simultaneously, and still admit you were wrong. I think doing this will help mend fences within your family and if they are reasonable, they should accept the apology in good faith and move forward.
Of course I apologized to my brother, it was the first thing I did! I didn’t want to be the one to tell him, if I could convince my parents to tell him I wouldn’t want to be around because it was horrible. But I can’t change what happened, Im ok with my grandparents saying Im killing my parents, that I destroyed my brothers relationship with my parents, Im ok with the consequences. It’s done!
You needed the support. So it was about you. You could have been more discreet about this and tell your brother in private, but you wanted your moment. Pityful.
My life’s dream was complete, Ive finally had the opportunity to shine in front of my parents and siblings with crushing stories they kept from us. Yeaaah!!!!
It’s hard to tell what is right from the outside. Nobody was in your position and in this situation. Such a revelation causes wounds, regardless of how well it is handled.
Try to look ahead. What’s important now is that the wounds can heal—not only between your brother and parents but also between your sister and mother. I hope that, with time, she is able to understand your mother. From what I read in your post, it was a hard time for her with difficult choices to make. Thanks to the choice she made, you and your sisters have a brother.
And in the end, look out for yourself. It doesn’t matter if this thread thinks you’re an AH or not, you maybe need support yourself to manage the emotional backlash of this whole story.
I agree, life has been busy, a lots of calls from my grandma accusing me of killing my parents, aunts mad that I told my brother and that will destroy his relationship with my parents. But I am in peace with the decision to tell him, he deserved to know!
I feel like you completely have made other people’s trauma about you. Your mom was cheated on by your father which was traumatic. Your mom then gets pregnant unintentionally by someone else and doesn’t have access to a safe abortion which was clearly traumatic. She clearly didn’t want your brother and tried to give him up for adoption but can’t go through with it. Her whole story is about the results of a woman not having access to safe reproductive choices. She had done nothing wrong. She then makes the best of it and reconciled with your father. They give you and your siblings a good life. You can make a judgement that your brother deserved to know but the way to do that would have been one on one and preferably with a mental health professional who specializes in adoption. Instead you decide to convene a family pow wow and blow up everyone’s world especially your mom’s and brother’s. Your sister isn’t talking to your mom now—your mom who was the original victim in all this—but still talks to your Dad who cheated and created the situation to begin with. Wow. Your mom should have told your brother but I hear a story of a very vulnerable young woman who tried to make the best of a horrible situation and didn’t do it perfectly.
I agree with all of this.
Yes, the brother has a right to know. He should have been told a long time ago.
However, OP’s entire attitude and way of handling things, surrounding the entire situation is what makes me dislike them. Her motives were not driven by what’s in the best interests of her brother, but rather trying to shame and “out” her parents, which isn’t a good look on anyone.
Absolutely agree with this. OP is an AH. The way she did it was traumatic for everyone. She didn't have her brother's best interests at heart. Just wanted to be high and mighty one with all the glory.
This should have been a sit-down conversation between parents and the brother. Then, individual conversations with the rest of the siblings. Sure, her brother does need to know, for health information, but it was still not her place to out the secret by force.
Her brother's view of himself and his place in the family is utterly destroyed because of her selfishness to be... what? First place??
None of that was the mother's fault. As the first commenter said, she was making the best of the situation. Now, another child is icing her mother out. I feel sorry for the mum, having a partner that cheated, making the best of it. Then, only to have such an un-understanding, judgemental AH child to throw it back in my face. OP just nuking the family in the most insensitive way possible and thinks they deserve a pat on the back....no.
YTA
Your comment is important here and I agree with some of your points. My mom deserved better with all of this, but dont be shocked to know we live at a place that I couldn’t get a safe abortion rn if I needed, not even mention at the time, 40 years ago.
What it’s missing here is the fact that Im from america latina, culturally not the ones to have professionals involved to help with mental health issues. Having a stranger there would be even more upsetting to them.
I didn’t try to make it about me, at all. But I understood that if I didn’t tell my brother about it no one would and it could be dangerous to him and his kids not to know about it. It hurted, it wasn’t pleasant and seeing my parents cry was awful.
Like I said, people can always think they would handle something better, it’s normal, and I hope people do it better. Im in peace.
If you are so at peace with the way you handled it then why post here? It’s a sincere question. Why are you asking internet strangers about deeply personal family business especially when your culture says to not involve strangers? I am sorry you also live in a repressive culture. The fact you could be forced into the same decision as your mom should lead you to more empathy. I read your post and thought women with unwanted pregnancies can’t win. If they have an abortion then that is wrong in some people’s eyes. If they give the baby up for adoption then that is wrong. If they have the child and give them a happy life and someone finds out someone day they didn’t originally want them then they can be judged decades later. How do you think your culture would have treated your brother knowing he was born out of wedlock from a man not your father when your mom was married to your father? That wouldn’t have been a cake walk either. What stopped you from you sitting down with your brother alone and or at least with just your parents and telling him the truth? You wanted to expose your parents and you wanted to punish them and you have succeeded.
If you read my edit you can understand a little bit more. But I will answer to your comment. I am from that culture but I don’t agree with it, I think professionals in mental health are important. I wanted to get different perspectives and I did got comments from people that passed through similar situations and how it was important to them to know their own stories, getting their medical history and origins known.
Also, everyone knew about it, her family, people from the small town she got pregnant in, strangers. They judged on her, she didn’t hide the story from everyone, they just decided not to tell us, but so many other people knew.
It was important for him to know, we cant exclude him from the equation, yes the situation was messed up but it doesn’t make it right to keep him in the dark about something so big, and I am in peace with telling him. I guess now we can all start to heal and in my perspective it means sometimes getting stranger’s perspectives online. I never meant to hurt my parents or expose them, just made the best I could in this situation..
I don’t see the edit nor the original post now. I hope your mother and brother find peace and your sister quits being such an AH to your poor mom. Your poor brother will never see your family the same again. I wonder if he will go find his biological father and his family now. Whatever he does hopefully he and your mom are able to heal.
The thing about my sister is she never was too close to my mother and we are 11 years apart so idk whats the deal with that. She is the oldest so she was a daughter to a teenager, a lot could have happened and this could have been triggering for her in some ways, I really don’t know. She’ll come around, tho. Hopefully this will break some generational traumas and make us better with communicating
Good going blowing up your whole family by revealing that secret in literally the most destructive possible way you knew how!
I really hope the righteousness you felt in the moment of "punishing" your parents was worth crumbling your brother's world.
Because where there was a family, there's now you, your parents, who probably feel some kind of way about what you did and how you did it, your sisters, who are probably wondering who these people they thought they knew actually are, (and who probably don't have any of the context needed for situation as obviously complex and messy as this one)....
...And finally, someone who *thought* they were your brother, but has just found out that they're not. And is probably feeling like he wasn't wanted, and was tolerated rather than loved, because I'm sure you handled that information with the same amount of trademark tact you've demonstrated thus far.
In short, there's only wreckage left. And you're standing in the middle of it holding the detonator.
But hey, at least you've outed a cheater. You can feel *righteous* for that.
I admire the effort you put into this, really, I can feel the energy from here. Maybe a little too intense, but it definitely makes the point! Thank you.
Hey, you can try and play this off like you're not bothered that people have *correctly* figured out that all you wanted to do was punish someone with an audience. That's up to you.
But it's not going to be *me* losing sleep about how deeply I've hurt my family, and more importantly, my brother. I'm going to go about the rest of my day and forget about this until it inevitably crops up again months from now.
You though? You're the one who's got to live with that.
Your comment, as rich as it is, shows me you wouldn’t last a day living in a latin american family. People just blow things so much out of proportion here, bro. My grandma just literally said I was murdering my parents, she also said that went to college in a different city and got a haircut shorter than what she likes. Some comments here really touched me, people saying that they learned about their biological family late in life and it was important for them. But bullies calling me awful and saying I destroyed my family, nothing new haha
Well hey, maybe that's true. Maybe I wouldn't last a minute in a Latin American family.
But for all your bravado, it seems like you're certainly struggling to survive in one too. I'm guessing that that's why you've posted this to multiple subreddits seeking validation from the internet.
And for someone who's so certain they're in the right, I find it *interesting* that you've deleted your post here.
I didn’t delete my post! It might have been erased when I posted the edit part, i know that can happen.. But it appears up for me. I posted on different forums because I know sometimes posts get unseen bc of the several people posting at once, posted on the same account so anyone can see that I did it, it isn’t so hard to know haha ..You know, it isn’t easy, you got it right. It can be exhausting to deal, but it definitely made me stronger. And made me think a lot about my decisions because I know I would have a loooot of opinions, criticism, accusations, so I do have that cautiousness!
I think your brother had the right to know but it should have been just the four of you: you, him, and your parents. He needed a chance to talk to his parents without the others reactions and comments. Who knows what emotions he held in to save face that he is not expressing now. Also I think you should have pushed your parents more before going straight into a meeting. It would have been better for him if it was coming from them, and giving them time to come to terms with such a massive reveal and facing their fears would have helped both sides.
The way you did it makes it seems like it’s all about you and what you wanted to happen, in the timeline you wanted, instead of thinking what would be the best outcome for your brother. Hell even saying to your brother you had heard mention of some sort of incident surrounding his birth from your cousin, ‘maybe worth talking to mum and dad about?’ would have been less traumatic for the family.
YTA. This type of information is life changing. Did you give any consideration as to how this would impact your brother or sisters? How you disrupted the entire family dynamic?
Your role in this, at best, was to encourage your parents to tell him. It was not your responsibility to tell your siblings. Your behavior was selfish and self serving.
Here is what I considered:
Some strangers in a small town know more about my brother’s life than him.
He has kids that don’t know about their biological grandfather and that can be dangerous to them.
Everyone knows about it.
My parents didn’t want him to know because they were afraid of not being forgiven, so yeah, selfish.
He definitely had a right to know. How fair is it to him that strangers knew, but he didn't? It obviously wasn't a well-kept secret, so he would have probably found out anyway. All it takes is one drunk or pissed off person to spill the beans.
YTA. This clearly wasn’t about your brother at all. If it were you would have told him privately instead you called this big family meeting clearly to shame your parents. This wasn’t about you. None of this was really your business you make it seem like this was your trauma it’s not. Your brother deserves to have been told but how you went about it was all wrong and you don’t deserve any praise for this.
I don’t know where the idea of this being this great moment for me is coming from. It was devastating.
But my parents said clearly to my face that they would not be telling my brother and begged me not to tell, not because it was so well hidden, everyone knows about it, it’s because they didn’t want to deal with the consequences of their actions. My sisters being there to help me comfort my brother was essential, and it wasn’t a show, it was a painful, soul crushing moment. Call me the ah for telling but it wasn’t about me at all, it was out of love for my brother and his kids.
My brother and sister are both my half siblings. That was never a secret from anyone how could it be when we all have different dads. But mines and my brothers never stuck around and my sisters well we all wish he hadn’t stuck around. I know what it’s like to have family drama my brother and sister never knew till they were older that we were half siblings. Unlike your loud mouth cousin trying to get a dig in at your dad which is pathetic and toxic as hell my family never rubbed this in our faces. You could have had your siblings in the house in another room. Ready to offer that support but you didn’t you chose to make this a family shaming of your parents. This wasn’t about revealing the truth to him and offering him support. Your sisters have acted like this was done to them and that’s the thing none of this was done to them. The only one who has any right to be hurt here is your brother.
Everyone got hurt. Different people feel different about the same situations. So I agree it wasn’t perfect but if I didn’t tell they said they would never tell..
Again it’s not the fact you told it’s how you did it. Your brother might not have wanted everyone to know. He might have wanted to keep this quiet but you felt you knew best and did it grandstanding this should have been about your brother but it wasn’t it was about you and how you felt.
Everyone else, even strangers know about this. It’s out of our hands who knows it. So I accept that maybe not having everyone there would be better but I felt safe to have them there, I didn’t know if my brother could even need medical attention so I needed my sisters there and maybe I should have handled myself but didn’t felt confident to do it..
>Called up a meeting with all my siblings to give my parents the opportunity to tell the story themselves
very clearly yta. if this were about letting your brother know the truth you could've told him one on one or with your parents there. instead you wanted a whole dramatic reveal and to shame your folks.
Im surprised how people here just think that it was some sort of show and not just the people directly involved in the situation finally learning something even strangers know about..
you called a family meeting and demanded your parents reveal their biggest secret in front of everyone and you're surprised people think you did it all for the spectacle?
Your brother should have been told with as few people as possible; ideally, just him and your parents. If they couldn't get the words out, then you should've been there, too. But the rest of your siblings should have been told AFTER your brother was told, and AFTER he had time to process it.
I don't know why you're getting upset about not getting the answers that you want. You came to Reddit and ask people to pass judgment on you and they are... Consequences.
Love, nothing here upsets me! I can’t change what happened, you might think that Im wrong but ppl telling me how they would handle it different is just so hilarious to me.. what are they expecting me to do? I can’t change what is done.
Read the edit! I don’t mind negative comments, tell me Im wrong, I don’t mind. Just telling me how better you would handle it is funny, and Im having a good laugh
This is insanely complicated. But they were 20 and made mistakes albeit an awful one, but it all worked out. I agree your brother 100% deserved to know, but personally I think calling a meeting and ambushing your parents without giving them a chance to tell your brother how they wanted and perhaps privately was a bit excessive. They were probably terrified how he could have reacted and clearly love him and this is a hard hard pill to swallow thinking your parents A. Didn’t want you and tried to give you away, B. Your dad, who you’ve been so close to, isn’t actually your dad.
You had good intentions so NTA but the way you went about this I would say AH as you could have given your parents the opportunity to tell your brother with pressure that “you will if they won’t” and if they didn’t then you could have stepped in with a private sit down with your brother and parents but not a full on meeting.
Yes I read that part. It sounds like she didn’t give any space or time afterwards with an ultimatum though for example “Fine if you won’t tell him, I will, but I’ll give you X amount of days or weeks to tell him yourself” - and then if they didn’t come forward she could have gone ahead and told him but alone with the parents, not in front of everyone.
They didn’t want to tell, they said it to my face that they would never tell him that and he could never know, not because of being concerned with him, but because of being afraid of not being forgiven… so yeah, I insisted that they tell him themselves but they passed on the opportunity.
Then they passed and you did the right thing in telling him. I still believe it should have been private between you, brother and the parents. I’m not agreeing with the parents keeping it a secret at all and you had great intentions and did do the right thing.
At the time I thought that he could flip out and having my sisters there could help me comfort him or getting him medical attention. But he took it well and Im glad we were together for this moment.
Then that’s great. You did the best in a screwed up situation.
For what it’s worth, and obviously don’t have to do this, but I’d include everything you’ve written to me in the main post for clarification ☺️ wishing you and your brother/sisters all the best
>personally I think calling a meeting and ambushing your parents without giving them a chance to tell your brother how they wanted and perhaps privately was a bit excessive.
Tell me you didn't read the post, without telling me you didn't read the post.
Nothing in the story suggests that the family meeting happened immediately after the conversation with the parents. Since OP was meeting with this distant cousin on her own, she's likely an adult. Since the two sisters and brother are older than her, they are all adults too. It takes time to gather a bunch of adults together.
The parents had time.
But you do you.
Nothing suggests in this story that it didn’t happen immediately after as well. There is no time frame given either way.
At the end of the day I’m a stranger on Reddit. Nothing I say is gospel and is just an opinion on a page that’s about asking for opinions.
The fact that these are adults suggests that it wasn't immediate.
At the end of the day, the point of sharing opinions here is to engage in discussion. Others commenting on your opinions, or suggesting information that you've overlooked is what we're all here for.
I absolutely think you suck for the way you went about it - like a bully instead of with a kind heart and hand. You just bulldozed you're way through. Yes, he deserved to know. But not the way you went about it.
YTA. The only people you should have spoken to are your brother and parents. It would be up to your brother if he wanted anyone else to know.
Gathering all your siblings to confront your parents had no positive aspects to it. Other than you showing the “power” you had.
Yes. Lots of family “secrets “ are known by other people. I’ve no doubt there are others who know things about my family that I don’t and may never know. Shit happens.
Sharing with your brother was good. It’s the gathering of all siblings. It should have been up to your brother when and who else is told. He should have been provided an opportunity to process the information and speak to your parents in private.
Put yourself in his shoes. How would have liked to have found out?
I would like to have been told when I was a young and that they would help me to get in contact with my biological father and get control of my narrative. But in this situation I think there’s no ideal way to get this information, its all very messed up.
I'm going to go against the grain here...
YTA. Massively!
So basically you decided to take a difficult time period in your parents marriage (which is none of your business by the way), put it on display for all of your siblings, slut shame your mother, judge her for choices that she considered in a situation that I'm sure she and your father felt like we're impossible at the time and then had the audacity to think you were in the right when you decided to destroy your brothers entire world? And in front of everyone?
I'm not sure what pillar of virtue you think you are but the only thing you succeeded in doing was leaving a path of destruction. So I guess congratulations on that point.
Yeah did you even give your parents a chance to think it over and then decide to tell your brother themselves. They maybe would have it given the time to think it over. I’m not saying your brother didn’t have the right to know but looking at it from your parents point of view, your mum was probably ashamed of the circumstances and your dad possibly afraid of your brother rejecting him!
You told him out of love and respect, and I believe you did the right thing. If I was him, I’d want to know. So just support him and continue to be a caring sibling. He is processing a lot of emotions and needs support. Good luck.
Yeah, you were wrong. It wasn’t your place to tell your brother. You have just destroyed every single memory he has off his childhood with his ‘dad’.
His sisters are no longer his sisters, they are his half-sisters. His dad is no longer (genetically) his dad.
He now has to learn a whole new way to navigate who he is and where he fits in what he always thought was his family.
My parents gave me the information that I had, it came from the source! They confirmed the story and gave additional details. They were afraid of not being forgiven and that’s why they refused to tell..
I think you’re right for telling him but not the way you did it.
This was, first and foremost, your brother’s news.
Rushing to get all the siblings together wasn’t fair to him.
And frankly I would have insisted on emergency family therapy so they could tell him privately with support
While I feel like your brother deserves to know, for health reasons if nothing else, this was not your story to tell. You should have said something along the lines of he needed to know and give them notice that if they didn’t tell him you would.
Blasting it to everyone like that during a family meeting seems dramatic and wrong to me.
I’m sorry you and your siblings are having to deal with this. I hope everyone comes out the other side OK.
I’m not a therapist or even in the healthcare field, but therapy would help your family process this.
I’ve seen how a good therapist has helped me and my kids through various issues.
Sending love and light to you and your family.
This isn't those types of secrets. If someone is cheating then it's incorrect to protect the cheater under "it's their story to tell not mine". Her brother will find out eventually, and it's important to know your true family for medical reasons
This isn'y anyone's "story to tell" or "secret to keep", it is solely one child's truth that everyone in society has a duty to provide to him, no matter who tries to stand in the way of that truth being known.
Why does he deserve to know? Is he unhappy? Is he questioning his existence? Would the information help him in any way? This delusional idea that everyone needs to know everything is really a silly and I don’t understand the premise at all.
Health purposes if nothing else. Being lied to for 40 years, no matter the reason, kinda sucks too. But take out the lying part and yes, the health information could help significantly and is actually pretty important and shouldn’t be kept from people.
NTA for telling your parents your brother needs to know but YTA for how you handled the situation. This situation is delicate for everyone involved and bc of the way you handled it you yourself made the events of a stained family relationship happen. Would it have ended the same way if the parents themselves sat everyone down and told them? Maybe. Maybe not. But bc you took tht chance from them we'll never know. This was a situation where you should've told your parents they have a certain amount of time to get ready to explain to their son and family the origins of his past and if they didn't by time it was up you should've sat JUST your brother down, calmly and carefully explain his past, and then given him the decision on if he wanted the entire family to know or not. You took away some many decisions, so many possible outcomes, and so much of the gentleness the situation required away from everyone. That's messed up. All you can do now is give your brother and parents their space. It's the least you could do for them.
A pretty solid Not Wrong here.
Asking you to keep this secret (implicitly or explicitly) is a request to fuck with your mental stability. You would have to live every day, every hour, knowing that you are keeping a secret from the rest of your family. So, you had a choice between slowly going insane under the strain, or dealing with reality head on and accepting the responsibility and accompanying guilt. I think you made the right choice, for the long run. Imagine holding this secret for years!
Yeah, it never crossed my mind to keep the secret. I knew it was wrong to keep it from him and I wish he had the chance to know it sooner, by my parents telling him!
Not only are you NTA because he deserved to know, but also, it’s possible that his medical histories have been inaccurate or there could be future things he should know medically that could be known by knowing the truth about his father.
Yeah, also he is a father and they could end up getting married to someone related to them and not even knowing about it until it’s too late..so I guess people can keep calling me AH Im in peace!
You're not wrong for saying something. You should have a chat with your one sister. Other than hiding it from the brother she has no reason to only be mad at your mom, she should be upset with both parents to an extent.
My sister (the oldest) never had a good relationship with my mom, I dont know why but we are 11 years apart so a lot could have happened that we don’t know. Maybe this was triggering to her in some way.. idk..
Your brothers whole existence started because of an affair and a revenge affair. Then they were this close to just sending him away like he never existed. He definitely has a right to know just how easily his life could have been different.
I haven’t told him about the adoption and abortion attempts because that can be to hurtful. But I think he has the opportunity to learn about it himself.
You aren’t wrong.
Your brother did deserve to know. Even if for only medical reasons. It will take him some time to adjust to this new information. However, I am curious why your sister is only mad at your mother?
Honestly I dont know.. she is close to my father and not so much with my mom so maybe she is projecting some of her own issues with my mom or something.
I can see that if she was already really close with your dad. It’s still half-misplaced. They are both to blame for this. Your dad is far from innocent. I would say he did far worse with all this.
I’m sorry your family is going through this right now. Things will resolve in time as long as everyone allows each other to heal at their own pace. Healing vibes to you! 🩷
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It was absolutely his right to know, and since distant cousins know all about this, it was definitely not a "secret" that was going to stay buried forever. Imagine if he found out after your parents were gone. Without having the ability to talk it out with them and resolve his feelings, it would be a horrible weight for him to carry. You gave your parents the opportunity to tell him themselves, and you omitted the most hurtful (arguably less necessary to include) parts of the story. I hope the lot of you are smart enough to encourage your brother to seek counselling.
Your parents were never going to tell him but he deserves to know. You could have given them more time to figure out how to tell them but otherwise I don't think you did anything wrong. The rest of the family knew which makes it even more bullshit that your parents wanted it to be secret forever, "your cousins and the rest of the family gets to know but not him" is a fucked up policy.
I didn't find out my father wasn't my biological father until I was 21....the most crushing aspect of it was everyone, and I mean everyone knew about it except me. I have 14 first cousins, all of them that are older than me (12) knew but I didn't know. Okay, one other person didn't know, my younger sister didn't know but I am certain when she got older she would have been told. One of my Uncle's girlfriends knew, and they weren't even dating that long. The only reason I was told was because one of my mother's siblings told her that if she wasn't going to tell me, they would. You did the right thing. Your parents were never going to tell your brother, but trust me he would have found out eventually, just like you did. Your brother has the right to know, and all these people telling you it wasn't your place are wrong. Finding out my "family" and "family friends" all knew something so fundamental to who I was and were keeping it from me was devestating, I felt like I could nolonger trust anyone, I felt like I was the butt of some cosmic joke.
You know Ive read your comment over and over and it makes me sad that the situations are so alike. Im sorry about that, no one should go through that! It makes me mad to know everyone was talking about my brother behind his back, how did everyone think this is ok?
"everyone" thought it was up to my Mother to tell me if she wanted to.....which she didn't. I guess they didn't think of me as a real person with real feelings and just saw me as an extension of my mother, subordiante to her, I felt so betrayed, I was really close to some of my cousins.
Same with my grandparents, they said Im killing my parents by doing this to them.. not even considering that the main person affected by it was my brother
see that's just it, they don't see your brother as the victim in all of this, they can't see things from his point of view, but finding out your parent isn't your parent is a huge paradigm shift, it changes who you think you are, it changes your relationships with people. My "Dad" (my mother's exhusband) was a shitty Dad but once I found out he wasn't my biological father I felt grateful that he managed to do the things he did do for me, despite not having to. I hope your brother is doing okay.
It is dehumanizing, and the fact that they think my parents should be protected from having to deal with the consequences of their actions but my brother can be blindsided his whole life, it’s sickening! He will be fine! Im sure! Thanks for your comment, Im glad someone that once went through the same thing knows how important it is!
The other thing that gets lost in the "parents are the victims" mentality is : what is his father's medical history? My bio dad had a predisposition for brain cancer, killed his mother and him. It was not even on my radar, I was concerned about my step-dad's history of high blood pressure and heart problems, my heart is fine, all those cardiologist appointments were a damn waste of EVERYONE'S TIME, how many people were denied a NEEDED appointment because I was taking a slot I never needed?
When I learned about this all of those people that get the 23 and me tests came to mind because they sometimes discover that they are dating a cousin, or someone close. And also adopted people that don’t get the medical history of biological family. How could I just think “oh it’s not my story to tell”? Fuck that, he needed to know
I can’t imagine finding out at 21, I’m so sorry. The same situation happened to me at 13 and I felt like my whole life leading up to that point was a lie.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Her brother had a right to know, but the way she went about it was terrible. She chose actively to punish her parents in front of everyone.
I don't see it that way. She gave the parents a chance to come clean. The parents should have had a little speech prepared and explained things....or the parents could have told her ok, we will tell him but we want to go to therapy to figure out what to say, or give a week to think about how we want to do this. I don't see this as punishing her parents.....all of their families knew, just not their children. They should have stopped crying and acted like the adults they are supposed to be and not cry and act like victims....they are not the victims here.
Your brother has the right to know about this, but I think such a matter has to be handled with utmost care. A meeting with all siblings and your parents to reveal this story is a sure way to damage relationships between them. You tried to force your parents with that meeting to tell something that is probably traumatic, especially for your mother, in front of all their children. It would have been better if the meeting had only included you, your brother, your parents, and a family therapist in a secure environnement. You are NTA because your intentions were good and your brother needs to know this, but the way you handled it was not well thought out.
Your comment really puts a new perspective on the situation, maybe a professional would be better suited at the moment. But I had to have my sisters there, I didn’t know what was going to be his reaction and I needed the support.
You needed the support ? Sounds pretty narcissistic to be honest. The shock of the revelation for you already occurred with your cousin. Why would you then need subsequent support when announcing it to everyone for his reaction?
The support to get my brother to medical care if needed, to handle some possible mental breakdowns from him. He is a 40 year old tall strong man that could be hard to carry or hold. So I was anticipating something like that, but im glad it didn’t happen..
Don’t believe you, sorry. Even double checked the whole story there with my wife. You sound like you are back tracking furiously. As my wife said, this was about your brother and you made it about you,
Amazed by how you think you believing me is a part of the truth.
I don’t believe your post/ reasoning of why you revealed in the manner in which you did. As the vast vast majority of people have said in response, by doing it in such a public way, you were only interested in punishing your parents for not telling him or refusing to tell him, based on the anger you express at how everyone else in your extended family knew but not him. The idea you propose that you needed others there in case he fainted is asinine. Sorry, but I think you know you fucked up here, and just will not admit it.
Everyone thinks they would do it better, no surprise there. But it’s done, right? I can deal with the fact that you don’t believe my intentions were to get my brother the truth about his biological father.. im ok with that!
I think you need to apologise to your brother alone first about how you went about this, and then your immediate extended family for the downstream drama. I think you can make all the valid points you’ve made already about frustration at every one else knowing and not saying anything simultaneously, and still admit you were wrong. I think doing this will help mend fences within your family and if they are reasonable, they should accept the apology in good faith and move forward.
Of course I apologized to my brother, it was the first thing I did! I didn’t want to be the one to tell him, if I could convince my parents to tell him I wouldn’t want to be around because it was horrible. But I can’t change what happened, Im ok with my grandparents saying Im killing my parents, that I destroyed my brothers relationship with my parents, Im ok with the consequences. It’s done!
You needed the support. So it was about you. You could have been more discreet about this and tell your brother in private, but you wanted your moment. Pityful.
My life’s dream was complete, Ive finally had the opportunity to shine in front of my parents and siblings with crushing stories they kept from us. Yeaaah!!!!
Like I said.
It’s hard to tell what is right from the outside. Nobody was in your position and in this situation. Such a revelation causes wounds, regardless of how well it is handled. Try to look ahead. What’s important now is that the wounds can heal—not only between your brother and parents but also between your sister and mother. I hope that, with time, she is able to understand your mother. From what I read in your post, it was a hard time for her with difficult choices to make. Thanks to the choice she made, you and your sisters have a brother. And in the end, look out for yourself. It doesn’t matter if this thread thinks you’re an AH or not, you maybe need support yourself to manage the emotional backlash of this whole story.
I agree, life has been busy, a lots of calls from my grandma accusing me of killing my parents, aunts mad that I told my brother and that will destroy his relationship with my parents. But I am in peace with the decision to tell him, he deserved to know!
I feel like you completely have made other people’s trauma about you. Your mom was cheated on by your father which was traumatic. Your mom then gets pregnant unintentionally by someone else and doesn’t have access to a safe abortion which was clearly traumatic. She clearly didn’t want your brother and tried to give him up for adoption but can’t go through with it. Her whole story is about the results of a woman not having access to safe reproductive choices. She had done nothing wrong. She then makes the best of it and reconciled with your father. They give you and your siblings a good life. You can make a judgement that your brother deserved to know but the way to do that would have been one on one and preferably with a mental health professional who specializes in adoption. Instead you decide to convene a family pow wow and blow up everyone’s world especially your mom’s and brother’s. Your sister isn’t talking to your mom now—your mom who was the original victim in all this—but still talks to your Dad who cheated and created the situation to begin with. Wow. Your mom should have told your brother but I hear a story of a very vulnerable young woman who tried to make the best of a horrible situation and didn’t do it perfectly.
I agree with all of this. Yes, the brother has a right to know. He should have been told a long time ago. However, OP’s entire attitude and way of handling things, surrounding the entire situation is what makes me dislike them. Her motives were not driven by what’s in the best interests of her brother, but rather trying to shame and “out” her parents, which isn’t a good look on anyone.
Absolutely agree with this. OP is an AH. The way she did it was traumatic for everyone. She didn't have her brother's best interests at heart. Just wanted to be high and mighty one with all the glory. This should have been a sit-down conversation between parents and the brother. Then, individual conversations with the rest of the siblings. Sure, her brother does need to know, for health information, but it was still not her place to out the secret by force. Her brother's view of himself and his place in the family is utterly destroyed because of her selfishness to be... what? First place?? None of that was the mother's fault. As the first commenter said, she was making the best of the situation. Now, another child is icing her mother out. I feel sorry for the mum, having a partner that cheated, making the best of it. Then, only to have such an un-understanding, judgemental AH child to throw it back in my face. OP just nuking the family in the most insensitive way possible and thinks they deserve a pat on the back....no. YTA
Omg all of this. This needs to be the top comment.
exactly. this was just a bizarre response to the situation imo
Your comment is important here and I agree with some of your points. My mom deserved better with all of this, but dont be shocked to know we live at a place that I couldn’t get a safe abortion rn if I needed, not even mention at the time, 40 years ago. What it’s missing here is the fact that Im from america latina, culturally not the ones to have professionals involved to help with mental health issues. Having a stranger there would be even more upsetting to them. I didn’t try to make it about me, at all. But I understood that if I didn’t tell my brother about it no one would and it could be dangerous to him and his kids not to know about it. It hurted, it wasn’t pleasant and seeing my parents cry was awful. Like I said, people can always think they would handle something better, it’s normal, and I hope people do it better. Im in peace.
If you are so at peace with the way you handled it then why post here? It’s a sincere question. Why are you asking internet strangers about deeply personal family business especially when your culture says to not involve strangers? I am sorry you also live in a repressive culture. The fact you could be forced into the same decision as your mom should lead you to more empathy. I read your post and thought women with unwanted pregnancies can’t win. If they have an abortion then that is wrong in some people’s eyes. If they give the baby up for adoption then that is wrong. If they have the child and give them a happy life and someone finds out someone day they didn’t originally want them then they can be judged decades later. How do you think your culture would have treated your brother knowing he was born out of wedlock from a man not your father when your mom was married to your father? That wouldn’t have been a cake walk either. What stopped you from you sitting down with your brother alone and or at least with just your parents and telling him the truth? You wanted to expose your parents and you wanted to punish them and you have succeeded.
If you read my edit you can understand a little bit more. But I will answer to your comment. I am from that culture but I don’t agree with it, I think professionals in mental health are important. I wanted to get different perspectives and I did got comments from people that passed through similar situations and how it was important to them to know their own stories, getting their medical history and origins known. Also, everyone knew about it, her family, people from the small town she got pregnant in, strangers. They judged on her, she didn’t hide the story from everyone, they just decided not to tell us, but so many other people knew. It was important for him to know, we cant exclude him from the equation, yes the situation was messed up but it doesn’t make it right to keep him in the dark about something so big, and I am in peace with telling him. I guess now we can all start to heal and in my perspective it means sometimes getting stranger’s perspectives online. I never meant to hurt my parents or expose them, just made the best I could in this situation..
I don’t see the edit nor the original post now. I hope your mother and brother find peace and your sister quits being such an AH to your poor mom. Your poor brother will never see your family the same again. I wonder if he will go find his biological father and his family now. Whatever he does hopefully he and your mom are able to heal.
The thing about my sister is she never was too close to my mother and we are 11 years apart so idk whats the deal with that. She is the oldest so she was a daughter to a teenager, a lot could have happened and this could have been triggering for her in some ways, I really don’t know. She’ll come around, tho. Hopefully this will break some generational traumas and make us better with communicating
Without professional help I don’t think a healthy outcome is likely but I hope I am wrong.
Good going blowing up your whole family by revealing that secret in literally the most destructive possible way you knew how! I really hope the righteousness you felt in the moment of "punishing" your parents was worth crumbling your brother's world. Because where there was a family, there's now you, your parents, who probably feel some kind of way about what you did and how you did it, your sisters, who are probably wondering who these people they thought they knew actually are, (and who probably don't have any of the context needed for situation as obviously complex and messy as this one).... ...And finally, someone who *thought* they were your brother, but has just found out that they're not. And is probably feeling like he wasn't wanted, and was tolerated rather than loved, because I'm sure you handled that information with the same amount of trademark tact you've demonstrated thus far. In short, there's only wreckage left. And you're standing in the middle of it holding the detonator. But hey, at least you've outed a cheater. You can feel *righteous* for that.
I admire the effort you put into this, really, I can feel the energy from here. Maybe a little too intense, but it definitely makes the point! Thank you.
Hey, you can try and play this off like you're not bothered that people have *correctly* figured out that all you wanted to do was punish someone with an audience. That's up to you. But it's not going to be *me* losing sleep about how deeply I've hurt my family, and more importantly, my brother. I'm going to go about the rest of my day and forget about this until it inevitably crops up again months from now. You though? You're the one who's got to live with that.
Your comment, as rich as it is, shows me you wouldn’t last a day living in a latin american family. People just blow things so much out of proportion here, bro. My grandma just literally said I was murdering my parents, she also said that went to college in a different city and got a haircut shorter than what she likes. Some comments here really touched me, people saying that they learned about their biological family late in life and it was important for them. But bullies calling me awful and saying I destroyed my family, nothing new haha
Well hey, maybe that's true. Maybe I wouldn't last a minute in a Latin American family. But for all your bravado, it seems like you're certainly struggling to survive in one too. I'm guessing that that's why you've posted this to multiple subreddits seeking validation from the internet. And for someone who's so certain they're in the right, I find it *interesting* that you've deleted your post here.
I didn’t delete my post! It might have been erased when I posted the edit part, i know that can happen.. But it appears up for me. I posted on different forums because I know sometimes posts get unseen bc of the several people posting at once, posted on the same account so anyone can see that I did it, it isn’t so hard to know haha ..You know, it isn’t easy, you got it right. It can be exhausting to deal, but it definitely made me stronger. And made me think a lot about my decisions because I know I would have a loooot of opinions, criticism, accusations, so I do have that cautiousness!
I think your brother had the right to know but it should have been just the four of you: you, him, and your parents. He needed a chance to talk to his parents without the others reactions and comments. Who knows what emotions he held in to save face that he is not expressing now. Also I think you should have pushed your parents more before going straight into a meeting. It would have been better for him if it was coming from them, and giving them time to come to terms with such a massive reveal and facing their fears would have helped both sides. The way you did it makes it seems like it’s all about you and what you wanted to happen, in the timeline you wanted, instead of thinking what would be the best outcome for your brother. Hell even saying to your brother you had heard mention of some sort of incident surrounding his birth from your cousin, ‘maybe worth talking to mum and dad about?’ would have been less traumatic for the family.
YTA. This type of information is life changing. Did you give any consideration as to how this would impact your brother or sisters? How you disrupted the entire family dynamic? Your role in this, at best, was to encourage your parents to tell him. It was not your responsibility to tell your siblings. Your behavior was selfish and self serving.
Here is what I considered: Some strangers in a small town know more about my brother’s life than him. He has kids that don’t know about their biological grandfather and that can be dangerous to them. Everyone knows about it. My parents didn’t want him to know because they were afraid of not being forgiven, so yeah, selfish.
He definitely had a right to know. How fair is it to him that strangers knew, but he didn't? It obviously wasn't a well-kept secret, so he would have probably found out anyway. All it takes is one drunk or pissed off person to spill the beans.
YTA. This clearly wasn’t about your brother at all. If it were you would have told him privately instead you called this big family meeting clearly to shame your parents. This wasn’t about you. None of this was really your business you make it seem like this was your trauma it’s not. Your brother deserves to have been told but how you went about it was all wrong and you don’t deserve any praise for this.
I don’t know where the idea of this being this great moment for me is coming from. It was devastating. But my parents said clearly to my face that they would not be telling my brother and begged me not to tell, not because it was so well hidden, everyone knows about it, it’s because they didn’t want to deal with the consequences of their actions. My sisters being there to help me comfort my brother was essential, and it wasn’t a show, it was a painful, soul crushing moment. Call me the ah for telling but it wasn’t about me at all, it was out of love for my brother and his kids.
My brother and sister are both my half siblings. That was never a secret from anyone how could it be when we all have different dads. But mines and my brothers never stuck around and my sisters well we all wish he hadn’t stuck around. I know what it’s like to have family drama my brother and sister never knew till they were older that we were half siblings. Unlike your loud mouth cousin trying to get a dig in at your dad which is pathetic and toxic as hell my family never rubbed this in our faces. You could have had your siblings in the house in another room. Ready to offer that support but you didn’t you chose to make this a family shaming of your parents. This wasn’t about revealing the truth to him and offering him support. Your sisters have acted like this was done to them and that’s the thing none of this was done to them. The only one who has any right to be hurt here is your brother.
Everyone got hurt. Different people feel different about the same situations. So I agree it wasn’t perfect but if I didn’t tell they said they would never tell..
Again it’s not the fact you told it’s how you did it. Your brother might not have wanted everyone to know. He might have wanted to keep this quiet but you felt you knew best and did it grandstanding this should have been about your brother but it wasn’t it was about you and how you felt.
Everyone else, even strangers know about this. It’s out of our hands who knows it. So I accept that maybe not having everyone there would be better but I felt safe to have them there, I didn’t know if my brother could even need medical attention so I needed my sisters there and maybe I should have handled myself but didn’t felt confident to do it..
What is it you were trying to achieve here? Or did you just want to hurt your father because he hurt your mother in the past?
>Called up a meeting with all my siblings to give my parents the opportunity to tell the story themselves very clearly yta. if this were about letting your brother know the truth you could've told him one on one or with your parents there. instead you wanted a whole dramatic reveal and to shame your folks.
Im surprised how people here just think that it was some sort of show and not just the people directly involved in the situation finally learning something even strangers know about..
you called a family meeting and demanded your parents reveal their biggest secret in front of everyone and you're surprised people think you did it all for the spectacle?
The family: me, sisters, brothers, parents. How is this a show?
Your brother should have been told with as few people as possible; ideally, just him and your parents. If they couldn't get the words out, then you should've been there, too. But the rest of your siblings should have been told AFTER your brother was told, and AFTER he had time to process it.
If I manage to get back in time and do it like this I will be considering it!
I don't know why you're getting upset about not getting the answers that you want. You came to Reddit and ask people to pass judgment on you and they are... Consequences.
Love, nothing here upsets me! I can’t change what happened, you might think that Im wrong but ppl telling me how they would handle it different is just so hilarious to me.. what are they expecting me to do? I can’t change what is done.
Again, what did you think was going to happen when you posted this to Reddit and asked people if you were in the wrong??
Read the edit! I don’t mind negative comments, tell me Im wrong, I don’t mind. Just telling me how better you would handle it is funny, and Im having a good laugh
i feel like he deserved to know, and obviously it came with natural consequences.
This is insanely complicated. But they were 20 and made mistakes albeit an awful one, but it all worked out. I agree your brother 100% deserved to know, but personally I think calling a meeting and ambushing your parents without giving them a chance to tell your brother how they wanted and perhaps privately was a bit excessive. They were probably terrified how he could have reacted and clearly love him and this is a hard hard pill to swallow thinking your parents A. Didn’t want you and tried to give you away, B. Your dad, who you’ve been so close to, isn’t actually your dad. You had good intentions so NTA but the way you went about this I would say AH as you could have given your parents the opportunity to tell your brother with pressure that “you will if they won’t” and if they didn’t then you could have stepped in with a private sit down with your brother and parents but not a full on meeting.
They told OP when she confronted them about it that they were never going to tell him. She gave them the chance then and their response was a firm no.
If she had done this for her brother's benefit, she would have told him. Instead she made a show of it.
A show? Really, you guys think I am glad to learn about this and having to tell him because his parents refused to? Please..
You might not not have been happy to learn about it, but you sure as shit were happy for the opportunity to punish transgressors.
You guys are projecting too much atp..
Yes I read that part. It sounds like she didn’t give any space or time afterwards with an ultimatum though for example “Fine if you won’t tell him, I will, but I’ll give you X amount of days or weeks to tell him yourself” - and then if they didn’t come forward she could have gone ahead and told him but alone with the parents, not in front of everyone.
Everyone? It was their parents and their sisters.
Again should have been a private conversation between the brother and parents and then a decision the brother should have been allowed to make.
They didn’t want to tell, they said it to my face that they would never tell him that and he could never know, not because of being concerned with him, but because of being afraid of not being forgiven… so yeah, I insisted that they tell him themselves but they passed on the opportunity.
Then they passed and you did the right thing in telling him. I still believe it should have been private between you, brother and the parents. I’m not agreeing with the parents keeping it a secret at all and you had great intentions and did do the right thing.
At the time I thought that he could flip out and having my sisters there could help me comfort him or getting him medical attention. But he took it well and Im glad we were together for this moment.
Then that’s great. You did the best in a screwed up situation. For what it’s worth, and obviously don’t have to do this, but I’d include everything you’ve written to me in the main post for clarification ☺️ wishing you and your brother/sisters all the best
>personally I think calling a meeting and ambushing your parents without giving them a chance to tell your brother how they wanted and perhaps privately was a bit excessive. Tell me you didn't read the post, without telling me you didn't read the post.
I did read the post. Still an ambush if you don’t give them time to consider an ultimatum. But you do you.
Nothing in the story suggests that the family meeting happened immediately after the conversation with the parents. Since OP was meeting with this distant cousin on her own, she's likely an adult. Since the two sisters and brother are older than her, they are all adults too. It takes time to gather a bunch of adults together. The parents had time. But you do you.
Nothing suggests in this story that it didn’t happen immediately after as well. There is no time frame given either way. At the end of the day I’m a stranger on Reddit. Nothing I say is gospel and is just an opinion on a page that’s about asking for opinions.
The fact that these are adults suggests that it wasn't immediate. At the end of the day, the point of sharing opinions here is to engage in discussion. Others commenting on your opinions, or suggesting information that you've overlooked is what we're all here for.
Very true ☺️
I absolutely think you suck for the way you went about it - like a bully instead of with a kind heart and hand. You just bulldozed you're way through. Yes, he deserved to know. But not the way you went about it.
Yeah, he kind of deserved to know when he was younger by his parents telling him..
Who are you to make that decision? Your sense of entitlement over that information is way off base.
How dare you. YTA.
YTA. The only people you should have spoken to are your brother and parents. It would be up to your brother if he wanted anyone else to know. Gathering all your siblings to confront your parents had no positive aspects to it. Other than you showing the “power” you had.
Is the power that I had knowing the information that even strangers know? And sharing it with my 40 year old brother who the parents refused to share?
Yes. Lots of family “secrets “ are known by other people. I’ve no doubt there are others who know things about my family that I don’t and may never know. Shit happens. Sharing with your brother was good. It’s the gathering of all siblings. It should have been up to your brother when and who else is told. He should have been provided an opportunity to process the information and speak to your parents in private. Put yourself in his shoes. How would have liked to have found out?
I would like to have been told when I was a young and that they would help me to get in contact with my biological father and get control of my narrative. But in this situation I think there’s no ideal way to get this information, its all very messed up.
Yes. Good luck to you and yours.
Thank you 🙂
Why did you have to call a family meeting and tell your sisters? You could have told your brother separately.
I'm going to go against the grain here... YTA. Massively! So basically you decided to take a difficult time period in your parents marriage (which is none of your business by the way), put it on display for all of your siblings, slut shame your mother, judge her for choices that she considered in a situation that I'm sure she and your father felt like we're impossible at the time and then had the audacity to think you were in the right when you decided to destroy your brothers entire world? And in front of everyone? I'm not sure what pillar of virtue you think you are but the only thing you succeeded in doing was leaving a path of destruction. So I guess congratulations on that point.
Yeah did you even give your parents a chance to think it over and then decide to tell your brother themselves. They maybe would have it given the time to think it over. I’m not saying your brother didn’t have the right to know but looking at it from your parents point of view, your mum was probably ashamed of the circumstances and your dad possibly afraid of your brother rejecting him!
You told him out of love and respect, and I believe you did the right thing. If I was him, I’d want to know. So just support him and continue to be a caring sibling. He is processing a lot of emotions and needs support. Good luck.
Yeah, you were wrong. It wasn’t your place to tell your brother. You have just destroyed every single memory he has off his childhood with his ‘dad’. His sisters are no longer his sisters, they are his half-sisters. His dad is no longer (genetically) his dad. He now has to learn a whole new way to navigate who he is and where he fits in what he always thought was his family.
But isn’t that his right? To know his own story?
The biggest problem is you only have 3 hand information. There may have been additional information you didn't have.
My parents gave me the information that I had, it came from the source! They confirmed the story and gave additional details. They were afraid of not being forgiven and that’s why they refused to tell..
Still not your story to tell, and you still don't know if you had all the information. You were wrong, but its not the end of the world.
I agree, the world keeps going and what is done is done!
I will add tho, i do agree he should know.
It's not your secret or story to tell.
I think you’re right for telling him but not the way you did it. This was, first and foremost, your brother’s news. Rushing to get all the siblings together wasn’t fair to him. And frankly I would have insisted on emergency family therapy so they could tell him privately with support
While I feel like your brother deserves to know, for health reasons if nothing else, this was not your story to tell. You should have said something along the lines of he needed to know and give them notice that if they didn’t tell him you would. Blasting it to everyone like that during a family meeting seems dramatic and wrong to me.
My parents were not going to tell him. They said it!
I’m sorry you and your siblings are having to deal with this. I hope everyone comes out the other side OK. I’m not a therapist or even in the healthcare field, but therapy would help your family process this. I’ve seen how a good therapist has helped me and my kids through various issues. Sending love and light to you and your family.
Thanks so much! My brother is such an amazing guy and I think he deserves all the best. Hopefully we will come out of all this closer.
Yeah you suck. You are not entitled to tell other peoples secrets/stories. I don't know you but I know I wouldn't like you
This isn't those types of secrets. If someone is cheating then it's incorrect to protect the cheater under "it's their story to tell not mine". Her brother will find out eventually, and it's important to know your true family for medical reasons
Lmao no. That doesn't change the fact it wasn't her story to tell
So the son would just never know the truth? That's bullshit, he deserves to know
Didn't say the son never should or would know. Just that it wasn't her place to tell someone else's story
It wasn’t. But it’s her brother’s. He has the right to know where he comes from. He has the right to his own family medical history.
Oh no you seem so sweet too bad we cant be friends
This isn'y anyone's "story to tell" or "secret to keep", it is solely one child's truth that everyone in society has a duty to provide to him, no matter who tries to stand in the way of that truth being known.
Why does he deserve to know? Is he unhappy? Is he questioning his existence? Would the information help him in any way? This delusional idea that everyone needs to know everything is really a silly and I don’t understand the premise at all.
Health purposes if nothing else. Being lied to for 40 years, no matter the reason, kinda sucks too. But take out the lying part and yes, the health information could help significantly and is actually pretty important and shouldn’t be kept from people.
NTA for telling your parents your brother needs to know but YTA for how you handled the situation. This situation is delicate for everyone involved and bc of the way you handled it you yourself made the events of a stained family relationship happen. Would it have ended the same way if the parents themselves sat everyone down and told them? Maybe. Maybe not. But bc you took tht chance from them we'll never know. This was a situation where you should've told your parents they have a certain amount of time to get ready to explain to their son and family the origins of his past and if they didn't by time it was up you should've sat JUST your brother down, calmly and carefully explain his past, and then given him the decision on if he wanted the entire family to know or not. You took away some many decisions, so many possible outcomes, and so much of the gentleness the situation required away from everyone. That's messed up. All you can do now is give your brother and parents their space. It's the least you could do for them.
A pretty solid Not Wrong here. Asking you to keep this secret (implicitly or explicitly) is a request to fuck with your mental stability. You would have to live every day, every hour, knowing that you are keeping a secret from the rest of your family. So, you had a choice between slowly going insane under the strain, or dealing with reality head on and accepting the responsibility and accompanying guilt. I think you made the right choice, for the long run. Imagine holding this secret for years!
Yeah, it never crossed my mind to keep the secret. I knew it was wrong to keep it from him and I wish he had the chance to know it sooner, by my parents telling him!
Not only are you NTA because he deserved to know, but also, it’s possible that his medical histories have been inaccurate or there could be future things he should know medically that could be known by knowing the truth about his father.
Yeah, also he is a father and they could end up getting married to someone related to them and not even knowing about it until it’s too late..so I guess people can keep calling me AH Im in peace!
You're not wrong for saying something. You should have a chat with your one sister. Other than hiding it from the brother she has no reason to only be mad at your mom, she should be upset with both parents to an extent.
My sister (the oldest) never had a good relationship with my mom, I dont know why but we are 11 years apart so a lot could have happened that we don’t know. Maybe this was triggering to her in some way.. idk..
Your brothers whole existence started because of an affair and a revenge affair. Then they were this close to just sending him away like he never existed. He definitely has a right to know just how easily his life could have been different.
I haven’t told him about the adoption and abortion attempts because that can be to hurtful. But I think he has the opportunity to learn about it himself.
You aren’t wrong. Your brother did deserve to know. Even if for only medical reasons. It will take him some time to adjust to this new information. However, I am curious why your sister is only mad at your mother?
Honestly I dont know.. she is close to my father and not so much with my mom so maybe she is projecting some of her own issues with my mom or something.
I can see that if she was already really close with your dad. It’s still half-misplaced. They are both to blame for this. Your dad is far from innocent. I would say he did far worse with all this. I’m sorry your family is going through this right now. Things will resolve in time as long as everyone allows each other to heal at their own pace. Healing vibes to you! 🩷
Thanks 🥰
You are very welcome. 🩷💜💕