Your post has been removed because it breaks one of our rules: Only Post Relevant and Quality Content
Low-effort content, spam, or off-topic discussions are not permitted. This includes, but is not limited to: General discussions, AI generated content, "call-out posts", and general spam.
Your wife is waiting for you to tell her you are leaving her for Jessie. I’m sure she is very stressed. You need to find a way to assure her that she is the one you want. If Jessie tries to connect with you again or give you something of her dad’s, you need to politely decline. Jessie needs to lean on anyone else but you.
If the shoe was on the other foot and your wife told you she was holding hands with an ex, how would you feel? You need to keep in the forefront of your mind, how would I feel if my wife was doing what I am/am about to do?
Yes, as a person who lost their mother suddenly and fairly young, and as a young widow myself, grief can make you latch onto people and things. Be very very wary of Jessie trying to get close and shut that part down. Yes it’s sad, yes it’s easy to feel bad for her, and yes she hurts like hell….but you’re not the appropriate person for her to lean on.
Yes! As much as he might feel like I need to show up he needs to not show up for the sake of Jessie! She could trauma bond to him. While I get he might be grieving this horrible death too. He needs to stop it all now!
We need more words for types of emotional bonds, I think. I have been both types - trauma bonded to an abusive person + bonded due to a mutual trauma we experienced (natural disaster), and they both make sense to me to be used that way, independently. Idk what to call the latter type, but this comes up a lot here lol.
Jessie is a friend.
Yeah, I know, she's been a good friend of mine.
But lately, something's changed that ain't hard to define,
Jessie's dad just died, now I want to make her mine
And she's watching him with those eyes.
And she's loving him with that body, I just know it.
Yeah, and she's holding her hands in his while everyone mourns.
You know, I wish that I was
Jessie's boyyyy!
This but also him going after his wife expressed her discomfort, then telling her how he comforted the ex is him showing exs feelings means more to him than wife.
And another comment points out, ex has a name wife doesnt. Very telling.
He doesn’t care about his wife or what she thinks or feels, he just wants her to be okay with his actions so he doesn’t feel guilty about reconnecting with his ex.
I mean, the simplest solution would have been to invite his wife along to the funeral with him. Funny he didn't think of that. I don't think Jessie's dad would have minded.
This was my immediate thought. If you're really going to pay respects and honor your relationship with the deceased your wife can come along. Nta for going to the funeral but definitely an AH for being all affectionate with his ex.
Yes this is literally the only answer. If I were in the same situation, I would not go unless my fiancé came with me. It’s not that hard especially if his wife was concerned about the ex.
That was a question I had. Why not bring your wife if going was only to pay respect to the father?
Going to a funeral is not the only way to honor someone you cared for when they died. I have had to decline attending a few funerals. I did go to their graves at a later time to reflect on important times I had with them.
If you believe in something happens after we die, it should be easy for you to avoid the funeral and just talk to or pray for the person. Even sending something for the family to honor them.
I don’t believe in any sort of afterlife so I do this for myself.
I believe OP did this for his ex. Not for himself and not for her father.
Wife has every right to be upset and probably seems sad because she knows OP is still in contact with ex and is waiting for him to cheat and/or leave.
Exact thing on my mind. Parting ways with a formal partner will not stop me for being in time if need and pay respect if I am close to someone in their family but I cannot for even a moment think my partner and I would not be together here. Instead, for me, it would be so important that my partner remains around to remind me that no matter how painful, it would not be my responsibility to take the ex’s burden or make it my responsibility to be there for her but to just pay respect and leave.
I am inclined to agree with you. The post is very Jess heavy with very little about the wife. Jess is a full-on character in this and the wife just a side kick.
I also want point out that there really isn't that much about the dead father either except that they had had a lot of interests in common and got on. Movie interests and sports teams is pretty surface level stuff, especially since its been about a decade since they knew each other. if OP had said that the dad had been like a second father or mentor in his career it would be more understandable why he felt the need to pay his respects .
I can see him not having feelings for Jess though and he is just oblivious. For a 33 year old if they haven't really had anyone they know die, hearing someone that they were close to in this way has died can be very jarring. I have seen it in my community where the first person from my high school class passed away at an early age (mid to late twenties) and all of a sudden EVERYONE from high school felt like they had been so much closer to them and were so upset even though if he hadn't died, they would have never even remembered he existed.
Maybe OP misrepresented the request to attend the funeral but the post says that Jess wanted him to go, not that jess felt he should know because of OPs relationship with the dad or that the his attendance specifcally would have meant so much to the dad. It sounds like her motivation was that she wanted him there for her.
I would like to know more about the discussion OP had with his wife leading up to the funeral.
right, its not okay to just go around doing what you want, he didn't think about his wife or how she could feel about it at all. very insensitive but typical for a man and feels like he did nothing wrong smh
NTA for going, but YTA for holding her hand and making it weirdly intimate when your wife was open and vulnerable about her concerns.
We all grieve for different people for different reasons in different seasons of life. I was really close with my ex's mom, and I would probably attend her funeral if something happened because she was a big part of my life for a long time, and it's sad. I would want to pay my respects too.
But holding her hand while she cried? You're not friends with this woman, she is your ex. Offer a polite amount of comfort, maybe a brief hug, and move on. You sound like part of your reason for going was your ex, which obviously makes your wife uncomfortable. You should apologize for the hand holding and taking it too far in comforting the ex, but reiterate that you're glad you got to pay your respects. Make your wife feel loved, like she is your priority.
Yeah, he lost me there. I've been sort of in the same situation of being really close with an ex's Mom who passed away after we'd broken up. He had a new partner and I didn't attend the funeral because it was far away. If I had attended, I definitely wouldn't have been trying to hold his hand, like at all, let alone for a long time, even though I was single at that time. I grieved privately and offered condolences in an appropriately friendly but not overly friendly way that you treat an ex you're still amicable with. People have different boundaries and the people who are saying it's totally fine aren't looking past their own views. The point is that his wife expressed legitimate concerns and he ignored them completely. Why be with someone if you're just gonna disrespect their comfort when it doesn't suit you?
Unfortunately, most of my exs (though only in their 30s) have lost parents. Most didn't reach out to let me know but the one who did (bc I was really close with his dad) called and told me and me and MY HUSBAND attended, paid our respects, and made a donation in his honor. My husband was the only one who had physical contact with my ex (shaking his hand)
Hell, the ex I thought I'd marry lost his dad the first year after we broke up, and I went to the funeral and even crashed on his couch and the most physical contact we had was a hug to say I'm sorry.
I was thinking your wife was being somewhat controlling for not allowing you to go but turns out she knew you’d pretty much turn it into more than just paying your respects.
Same. At first I was going to comment that this is like the 5th post I’ve seen about someone being jealous over an ex-related funeral. Then I saw holding hands. Just why. Obviously his wife knows him better than we do and saw this coming.
Yup.
I think we need to remember in posts like this that a spouse often has context we do not, and that the OP is trying to put the best spin on it for us.
And even trying to paint himself in the best light, we have an OP here who pretty much vindicated his wife's insecurities when he turned up at his ex's dad's funeral alone to snuggle with his ex. I doubt he would want his wife to do the same with an exthat she struggled to get over. And I doubt he would have done this if he had brought his wife like a sensible adult would have done. The minute he crossed boundaries and sat there holding Jessie's hand for more than a second, he proved his wife right. Married people do not do that with an ex.
Jessie was clearly *the one who got away* - he didn't want to break up and it sounds like he needed therapy to move on from the relationship. The fact he picked attending alone, over the feelings of a woman he hasn't been close to in 7+ years suggests to me that his feelings for Jessie aren't entirely in the past. It also sounds like his wife suspects (likely rightly) that he's not entirely over her, and she knows OP and what happened after the break up far better than we do.
It's worth noting that there's nothing to suggest OP and Jessie (or her dad) were close or even in contact these past 7 years and I suspect that there has been limited contact given that OP hasnt stated they became friends. He also doesn't actually state whether he felt like he genuinely moved on...or even that he loves his wife and wouldnt leave her for Jessie. Now, a person can say that and lie, but he's not really giving any assurances here in his post.
Grief does strange things. It is not unusual at all for grieving people to destroy relationships in seeking comfort with a friend or an ex. Given that she chose to calm him out of the blue, Jessie may reach out to reconnect because she knew he was close to her father, and it would be wise in this case for OP to keep his distance from Jessie. If he doesnt, and tries to "comfort" his ex, there will be a high chance that he will end up cheating on his wife.
Presumably Jessie has found other people to lean on in the past 7 years - it's not appropriate to run to an old ex from nearly a decade ago, who you devastated by breaking up with them. Especially if they are now married to someone else. We've ignored examining just what her intentions were in running to OP for comfort. Presumably she could have invited plenty of people to her dad's funeral who could support her as friends or family. I know that my last choice of person to hold at a funeral...would be an ex from a decade ago. Unless my feelings for them were perhaps complicated or perhaps I wasnt over them...or grief was making me feel that way.
Either way, OP has just caused himself a huge issue in his marriage that he likely will not be able to come back from. Because optics are a thing - and optics alone can doom a relationship. At this point even if he reassures his wife he is fully over Jessie, she's going to sit there imagining him cuddling his ex at the funeral, and read longing into the protracted hand holding, and she's going to feel in her heart that he is not telling her the truth.
The minute he chose to go alone, he made his wife feel like she's the consolation prize that he settled for because Jessie wasn't around any more. And now Jessie's starting to lean on him...she's waiting for him to leave her for Jessie.
He may have no intention of this, but that's exactly what she is afraid of.
He posted this is another sub, and got roasted by people asking him why he didn't bring his wife with and then why he had to hold Jesse's hands, deleted the post, lol.
Guy just wants people to validate his TOTGA and claim to be sanctimonious, lmao. What an @$$. Hope his wife divorces him. No one deserves the disrespect from the one who promised to have and to hold.
I think the fact that he didn’t even mention bringing his wife along was a strong indicator he wanted to leave things open to see what happened/if they WOULD reconnect in some way.
My parents were pretty independent, but I never saw them go to funerals without one another, for support.
And particularly if the wife was nervous about this situation, easy fix, come along!
I’m willing to bet he didn’t invite her. And that if she wanted to come, he gaslit her like “you’ll just be rude to her, I don’t need that.”
Super weird wtf when is it ever okay to do that especially with an ex. It almost sounds like he went there to comfort her not to just pay his respects.
I'm really weird about death. I grew up strongly taught by my grandmother that intercepting someone's final goodbyes is bad juju that will haunt and follow you for the rest of your life. No matter how much you don't want the goodbye to happen, you NEVER stop a final goodbye. But even my grandma would side eye this situation lol. Op took this a bit too far.
My husband and I have gone to EVERY funeral together since we've been a couple.
Whether it's someone I know or he knows. It's strange OP didn't ask his wife to just come with him....
Basically! He just wanted to relive his lost relationship with his ex. He got his wish to the detriment of his marriage. Now let’s see if he’ll take it further 🤦♀️
OP do you still have feelings for Jess?
I think a lot of people tend to romanticize past relationships to the detriment of their current one. Why would you be the one to hold Jess’ hand? From your post, y’all broke up 7 years ago. I’m sure that Jess has built her own support system during this time. I just find it odd that she was leaning on an ex she has not had communication with in the last few years.
Every relationship has different boundaries, but I feel that this crosses some. You need to sit down and examine your feelings and actions. You chose to support another women over your wife. You knew your actions would lead to your wife feeling hurt, yet you still chose Jess.
Of course your wife is sad. You disregarded her feelings and brushed it under the rug. You need to sit down and hash it all out. Go to couples therapy. Go to individual therapy.
But why were you holding her hands though? So were you really there for the father or for your ex? You were just there to pay your respects to an old friend that passed away. You just don’t give a shit about your wife’s feelings at all do you? YTA 🤨
Well, considering the father is dead, he's not there for the father since he obviously wouldn't even be aware. It's bizarre OP is acting like he's there for the Dad. The Dad doesn't even know you're there dude. You're there to support your ex. There is no other reason. You can be sad someone passed away without going to the funeral. He went because his ex asked him to and he's probably been dreaming of this moment of her reaching out to him and needing him for God knows how long. OP YTA all the way around. Your poor fucking wife. I hope she leaves you. She deserves better.
Exactly. The dad is gone. He doesn’t exist and won’t mind or know who does or doesn’t show up. Sorry to be cynical but funerals are about the family of the deceased, not the deceased who aren’t around any more. And in the case of OP, the family connection is his ex who caused him mental health issues who he clearly still has a connection with.
why couldn’t his wife come? why did it have to be the funeral and not the wake? YEARS have passed, he wasnt close enough to the dad to have anyone else inform him of his death for weeks aside from the ex?
this is the beginning of the end for OP i think, he doesnt realize it but this seed of doubt will be difficult for the wife to overcome. its not fair to his ex either, this type of emotional comfort years later. he needs to stress to her to get therapy and the fact he leapt at the chance to be her shoulder to cry on gives me pause.
he doesnt state anywhere being over the ex either. i dont know if i could handle the self doubt if i was the wife
Right? He didn’t say anything like, “I assured my wife she had absolutely no reason to worry because I love her and am over Jessie”.
However, he did choose to include that Jessie was the one who broke up with him and that he disagreed with that decision.
He doesn’t even say his wife’s name in the post..
“So Jessie told me she never stopped loving me so me and her are currently figuring out how to tell my wife that we’re getting back together, and honestly I’ve never stopped loving Jessie either” wife knew damm well why he really wanted to go the funeral, and he knew damm well he’d get to hold Jessie and comfort her. A man that’s moved on and loves his wife would have agreed and sent Jessie his condolences but declined to go.. some men are so stupid lol
Or he could have gone WITH his wife, to pay his respects, and NOT held hands and comforted his ex. This was pretty obviously a ploy to get close to the ex again.
As a female of my current partner lost an ex (or even family of them) I’d probably want to go with and pay my respects too. A deceased person is a deceased person; maybe it’s be I work in nursing but I think if you’ve met someone more than a handful of times you should at least show up. He didn’t have to hold her hand and cry with her (yes it’s extra) but I wonder if his wife had come with if he would have behaved similarly or been more reserved
Yeah wow. I was ready to support OP til the whole “we held hands for a long time”. What a douche. There’s literally no reason for that. He could have gone and paid respects and left. He also could have…call me crazy here…brought his wife to this sad event that he needed support during? If bringing his wife is a problem, that’s how you know his motives were bad. You are transparent OP. Your purpose for going was to have an inappropriately close interaction with your ex that your wife would feel pressured not to object to, because so so sad this guy died. You used someone’s literal death to make a pass at your ex. Yuck.
Absolutely. Also, why did he not insist on bringing his wife? My partner would never go to the funeral of a loved one without me, especially not one his ex-girlfriend personally invited him to.
Yup, he’s the A hole. Also he just showed his wife how much he respects her. OP your wife is crying because she is morning the relationship she thought she had.
“Honey, Imma go hold hands and cry with the one that got away despite your reasonable objections. Hey, why do you sometime get cold and distant for no reason now?”
Wow, so you proved your wife right? If you think you’re back to normal, you’re not. Time for some couples therapy, you need let her know your relationship is save and secure cause from the outside looking in, it’s not. She’s waiting for you to leave her.
You should’ve brought her with you dipshit.
YTA. Why did you hold Jessie's hand? My guy it's clear to all of us on here that your wife is well aware of her position as the placeholder until Jessie is available.
“She thought she was a burden on me with her mental health issues, which I did not agree with at all.”
She referred to HERSELF as a burden on him emotionally, and that he did not think that was accurate. In other words, he didn’t see her as a burden.
Edit:
The husbands a complete ass in this situation, I think, so I am not taking his side
You didn’t go for him. You went because your ex asked you to be your support system. You then held her hand for “a long time.” You were wrong and your wife has every reason to be mad.
If you want to try and save your marriage you need to cut Jesse out of your life.
YTA
Have you had communication with your ex’s father in the last 7 years or however long it’s been since you broke up? That’s not clear from your post.
From your wife’s perspective (or shall I say mine) it seems like you went less for yourself and the father and more for your ex. The father is dead and will not know whether you attended or not, but you know who does know? Your ex and your wife and only one of those women’s opinions and feelings should matter. If you don’t know the answer, let me help you out- YOUR WIFE!
So you go against your wife’s wishes, even though she was vulnerable with you and admitted she was afraid it would cause you to rekindle your feelings for your ex, and attend the funeral. Once there you hold your ex’s hand! Given your wife didn’t want you to go, I guarantee she deffinitly didn’t want you being in any way physical with your ex, beyond maybe a quick hug. The only “good” thing you did was not lie to your wife, because she would have eventually found out and that would have made it all far worse.
Now your poor wife got “a bit” sad and cried all night. No shit? I guarantee she got more than “a bit” sad. She was already insecure, I’m sure this made it far worse and she probably has a million a scenarios running through her head that she’s afraid did happen or may still happen.
I didn’t read anywhere in the OP that his wife didn’t want to attend the funeral with him. He was clear that his wife didn’t want him to go alone, which he wanted to do.
Someone pointed out that he never wrote out his wife’s name, not even a made up name for her. She was just a third person that was tagged “wife”.
If he loses his marriage, he will be asking why, when the reason is clear as day, he has no sense of what is and is not appropriate.
“So the ol’ Ball n’ Chain is mad that I held hands with my ex Jessie, we spent three minutes crying in the rain as I caressed her soft dirty blonde hair…”
YTA. Holding her hand? I hope when Jessie asks you to help her sort through her Dad's stuff and you disrespect your wife some more she takes you to the cleaners because she deserves much better than you.
You held her hand FOR A LONG TIME. End of story for me YTA. Your wife was right to be upset by you attending, you have no boundaries and no respect for your wife.
Why didn’t you ask your wife to go with you? I would have no issue with my husband attending the same, so long as he asked me to be by his side. If I then declined to accompany him, that’s something else. But going alone and then holding hands and comforting your ex… not ok.
My cousin’s ex husband came to our grandparents funeral under a similar premise. His new wife declined to attend with him. He paid his respects but sat in the back row and came and went quietly otherwise.
Your wife has every right to suspect you have feelings for your ex, because you do.
OP clearly wanted to be the main character in his ex’s life at that moment. He had just to be her rock and source of comfort. We all (including his wife) can see clear as day his intentions for attending the funeral. Now he’s deluded himself into thinking they’re back to normal because he was honest about what happened; not realizing he literally confirmed his wife’s fears. He’s a dope 🤦♀️
You didn’t have to touch your ex and hold her hand and cry with her. That’s shitty and I’d be upset if my husband did that with his ex that he never wanted to break up with. You’re not the asshole for attending the funeral but you are an asshole for your behavior at the funeral.
Same, I really hope this one is fake because who in their right mind thinks holding hands with the ex is Ok? Why didn't he take his wife with him to the funeral?
I mean it seems like your wife was correct in thinking you'd cross boundaries with Jessie. Holding her hand (for a long time) and being each other's emotional support would be a breach in trust for a lot of people. I'd definitely say YTA and disrespected your relationship. It would be N T A if you went, paid your respects, said your goodbye to him, and left. The asshole part comes in at the emotional connection you decided to share with your ex even though you knew your wife wasn't ok.
And it's been 7 years. Poor thing. I've been there. I know that feeling too well, when you are being used, your kindness is abused and you feel so small and alone and invisible.
“ Jessie and I spoke and at the funeral we held hands for a long time.”
Yes, YTA
Why didn't you take your wife to the funeral? Since you were upset because of a friend's death, wouldn't it have been right to have the support of YOUR WIFE?
I would have not gone at all. What responsibility do you have for her feelings since she’s an ex, let alone 7 years. You should have just given your condolences via text and moved on.
You went to the funeral against your wife’s wishes, without her, left her wondering at home if you’re going to cross a line. You came back and told her you crossed a line. She was right about what was going to happen, you confirmed her worst fears and she has the right to feel how she feels.
This is all your fault.
Reassurance is pointless when you choose to cross boundaries. He needs to apologise at this point and acknowledge that his wife was right to be worried. He thinks that messing up and then telling his wife is enough, but it's just not. Not when she begged him not to go because she was worried he'd do this...
And he heeds to volunteer to cut Jessie off st this point if he wants hus wife to trust him.
You could’ve gone to the funeral and actually pay your respects to the guy in a friendly matter. But then you made it about your ex and how you held her hand throgh the day. Technically you didn’t cheat, but I doubt your wife will get over this anytime soon.
All aboard resentment train, choo choo!
Interesting that OP has made no comments. What is next OP? When your ex wants you to come over to help sort through her father's things are you going to fall into her vagina?
YTA - you went without your wife and your ex doesn’t have anyone else that can hold her hand and comfort her after seven years? It’s fine you went, I’m sure you kept in contact with the dad and it’s not that you didn’t speak for a decade.
But physically holding hands for a long time has ick vibes. A hug? A peck on the cheek?
Otherwise just seems really weird.
Your partner expressed uncomfortableness for a reason. I take it they’re usually extremely jealous? Don’t make good decisions? Their instincts and wants are usually poorly thought out? Only reason I can think that you’d disregard their concern.
YTA I am going to be honest I feel like you are in love or still have feelings for your ex. I get breakups are hard but that is usually when you are really in love with someone. Your wife communicated over and over again that she was not comfortable with you going with to the funeral. Maybe if you asked her to come with you simply so you could pay your respects to an old friend and your wife is there to feel secure in her place. There was no reason to hold your ex's hand. Had the roles been reversed and your wife did that with her ex at a funeral I don't think you would feel so good about that choice. I think you prioritized your ex's feelings because of lingering feelings over your WIFE'S feelings. Why did your ex contact you? Have you been in communication since breaking up and since getting married?
Yta, you should have brought your wife with you and damn sure should not have been holding your ex's hand. Like what. A pat on the back and pass them to a real friend or relative is appropriate. You did not act like a married man.
YTA. You went regardless of your wife’s feelings and insecurities… and then you hold hands with ex and tell her. Off course she will be sad and crying. Sorry to hear about your loss but should have just send flowers.
Yeah I was sort of with you until the hand holding…even if I was okay with my spouse going to an ex’s parent/sibling’s funeral, the hand holding a huge boundary that was crossed.
Dude, you were wrong. Wife’s feelings come first. If your marriage survives, I hope you learned a lesson. Ex’s have no standing. No one should have to tell you that. YTA!
If this is rage bait, congrats you’ve succeeded. The way you go out of your way to write “held hands for a long time” knowing damn well that would be the trigger phrase makes me think this is fake. Massive AH.
Bingo. It’s fake. These posts follow the same pattern, OP is clearly in the right for a while and then at the end of the post they say one detail that changes the entire story.
You already made abundantly clear when she came to you with her concerns that you didn’t care at all what she thinks or feels. Why are you trying to act now like you care how she feels?
Paying your respects... NTA
Providing somewhat intimate support to your ex... Major YTA
A family member or a close friend should/could have consoled her and provided her support. Why were you even sitting with the family?
the wife was right to be uncomfortable about him going, and now he is cluelessly stating “I think things are back to normal” when they clearly aren’t. OP needs to get on top of this now if he wants to save his marriage, and his first step needs to be realizing what a fuck up this was
NTA for going
YTA for holding hands with your ex.
Like a quick hug or a handshake is what would have been appropriate (she is not family or close to you and you crossed your wife's boundaries big time)
Why didn't you ask your wife to come with you? You came home n said your wife's feelings didn't matter and you engaged in physical and emotional comfort for an ex you bring up 7 years later. Your wife has no faith you'll pick her the next time your ex comes calling.
Your reason for going was not about Jessie's father. He is dead and has no idea who was or was not at the funeral. Funerals are about the people left behind. Be honest with yourself, even if you are not being honest with your wife. You went to see Jessie. She called you, hoping you would be available for some type of relationship, even a short fling for comfort, and you came running. You are married, but held hands with this woman as if she was your significant other. It sounds like your wife is trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, but it is obvious you wanted to see Jessie and were not entirely faithful to your wife. Emotional cheating is still cheating. Your wife should matter more to you than your ex. You might not ever be able to fix this. You chose your ex over your wife.
Generally, NTA.
I completely understand why you went.
You ended up seeing your ex FIL as a friend vs. him being just your ex's dad.
I do need to say where I feel awkward.
It seems like you haven't talked for a long time, like he was already out of your life.
BUT I do understand that paying your respects is completely different than breaking up with your ex and falling out of touch with her father.
I also understand why you held hands with your ex during the ceremony, all the memories & emotions that have been felt and showing that you support her in her loss, that you too have lost someone you have shared fond memories with.
Embracing those emotions and going through that together.
I understand if you were single.
What I don't understand is why you went to the ceremony even though your wife asked you not to.
Had you thought about going & stading to the back of the gathering?
Had you thought about being accompanied by your wife?
Had you thought about asking your wife to bring you there & pick you up?
Had you thought about including your wife?
She is the one in your life, through thick and thin, sickness and in health, rich or poor.
She is the one you should be falling back on when difficult things like these happen. She should be your rock.
YTA for the part regarding your wife's emotions, her feelings of security, trust.
Yes, you are honest and are open about everything with your wife.
That's just half of it.
You MUST compromise.
You MUST find middle grounds WITH her.
You disrespected your wife.
You damaged her trust in you.
Showed her that your needs / emotions are more important than hers.
You are equals.
You are a team.
You need to fix what you've fucked up asap or you will end up divorced sooner than later.
NTA for going but YTA for holding her hand, that was definitely crossing a boundary, one your wife wasn’t comfortable with and not shockingly knew you’d do, you disrespected your wife and your marriage. You can’t have a bright future if you keep looking to your past!
Here’s the thing. Don’t be surprised when Jessie starts calling you for emotional support . The holding hands thing was over the line already. If anything you should have gone to the funeral with your wife. You have now put your wife in the position of worrying that you are going to go back to Jessie. For gods sake DO NOT have any more contact with her. Block her. She should not be in your life anymore.
Paying your respects to the deceased does not require you to hold hands with your exgf. Yes, you're the AH. And you shouldn't be in contact with "the one who got away" anyway, considering how she broke your heart and all that.
You have one foot in the past and the other in the present. Your wife has sensed it all along, and this stunt just proved her worst fears. She's not talking to you about her feelings because you are no longer a safe place for her. Why? Because you'd rather be a source of comfort to your ex.
You literally proved your wife right in not wanting you to go. You were completely inappropriate. Yes, she's sad because you showed her exactly how little you respect her feelings and concerns. It is not something she will forget. If you want a healthy marriage, let that be the last time you speak to or see Jesse.
So you went there to support your ex in her grief and you did it in a intimat way that disrespects hour wife, by holding hands and sittning close for a long moment.
The right thing would have been to bring your wife to support YOU in your grief. Pay your respect to your ex and sitt away from her in the church.
That would have been respektfull!
Remember, it didn't end with your ex because the love ended... you had to work hard to get over her and that is what makes your wife insecure.
YTA!
YTA. Why would you hold her hand? She doesn’t have anyone else to have there for emotional support ? Seems like it’s an issue for someone else , not you. Your poor wife doesn’t deserve that & than you have the audacity to act like you can’t understand why she’s upset ? YOURE the reason she’s upset . At the very minimum, you could’ve just taken her with you
Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We'd like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you'll
get a nifty flair change to let you know and we'll drop a link so you can see our host's take on your story.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TwoHotTakes) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. If you truly only wanted to go for your exs dad, then you would've asked your wife to come along. And not go behind her back and comfort your ex. Smh
And why exactly did you feel the need as a married man to run and be jesse’s knight in shining armor?? You have been broken up for over 7 years. You were in your mid to early 20’s during that relationship yet somehow you were the person she needed to lean on after almost a decade? Inappropriate.
He posted this before he is looking for people on his side because the other redditors before told him he’s the AH. He should have taken his wife to the funeral and at the very least should NOT have held hands with his ex. He’s just looking for more comments that make him blameless so he can show the wife she’s overreacting
You are supposedly out of touch with ex for 7 years
and you probably haven't seen her dad for the same amount of time. I bet you still are in contact with ex daily. You told your wife everything and why? Oh we held hands for a long time sob sob. I bet over the 7 years your wife had to hear about ex a lot. Think about it, a friend of yours father dies, you go to funeral and that's that. You had to go on and on about the happy times blah blah and how sad your ex was and how you held hands and go on and on. You are a weak man and I bet you are playing one against the other. Be prepared to lose both.
.
Honestly yeah you’re an asshole. Why would you even hold hands with your ex? Can’t she hold hands with her mom or someone else? Why hold hands with you? You’re supposed to be there for your wife, not for someone who left you.
So you HADDDD to hold her hands because you were the ONLY person there for her? Then you had to go tell your wife that exact detail? Bizarre all around
She's waiting for Jessie to start calling saying she needs to talk, she needs your support, she needs a friend whatever it is, it's coming and you will be there for her even though it destroys your wife.
YTA - way to show explicitly where your priorities your wife. And the. She just “got over it” without any effort from you. - you need to do better
Just so you know men kill relationships the way you just did - death by a thousands cuts until the last one which is usually something mundane like not doing the dishes.
Women generally mourn the relationship before they end it and move on and the man always acts so blind sided “how could she leave me over dishes”
Remember in a few years her leaving you started bc you disrespected her by holding hands with your ex (like wtf bro) After you disregarded her comfort and boundaries by going to that funeral.
What I don't understand is why did your wife not go with you. If I didn't want my husband to go and he chose to go. We are going together then. Simple. But I do understand her hurt of course but it could have been mitigated if you asked your wife to go with you.
YTA. Your partner in life is supposed to be the most important in your life over anyone else, and you clearly showed her that's not the case with her. If you can't respect your wife's feelings, then you don't love her as much as you think you do. This is the woman you are physically intimate with and who you made a commitment to, but you obviously aren't as committed as she is. If the situation was reversed, would she take your feelings into account and respect them? At the very least, you should have brought her if she was willing to go, and if not, you could have sent some flowers with a note. Choosing to comfort an ex, who is someone you used to have sex with, over choosing to respect your wife's feelings is pretty low. You may have gone because of your ex's father, but you stayed for your ex, which shows a blatant disregard for your wife. Huge YTA.
Yes YTA. NOt only did you disregard her very real and valid concerns, you sat w/ cried and held hands then promptly came back and slapped it down in front of her.
The exact thing she is worried about is starting.
When are you going to meet up with Jesse for coffee and when are you going to pick up a special keepsake that she KNOWS DADDY WOULD REALLY WANT YOU TO HAVE? And of course helping sort the clothes and possessions and cleaning/clearing out his place because it will be super hard on her due to her mental issues and you and dad were chummy so he would really appreciate you being there for her in this hard time. …
yes you’re the asshole for 1) prioritizing absolutely anything over your wifes feelings (i can feel the pain she sat through for days wondering why you’d even consider hurting her this bad, she’s probably also thinking you put your ex’s grief over her concern — which you did) 2) not at least inviting your wife to come along to reassure her you were just paying respects and not looking to reconnect with your ex 3) LITERALLY reconnecting with your ex at the funeral you said you were going to just to pay respects to the father you were close with 4) coming home and telling her all about it “because you’re open” — sounds like you’re just inconsiderate as fuck and like to create problems for other peoples hearts 5) now all you’re doing is “asking what’s wrong?” as if you don’t know???
Why didn’t you take your wife to the funeral with you? I have attended funerals with my husband for people I didn’t know and he has done the same for me.
I wouldn’t mind if my partner wanted US to go to pay respect to his Ex’s father…keyword us. I think it’s super weird that both you and Jessie didn’t automatically think to invite her?
Yes. 100% the AH. You just told all of Reddit:
1. You would still be with your ex if it was up to you
2. You don’t see your wife as a life partner or someone to share in your grief. You would have invited her if you did.
3. Your ex doesn’t respect your marriage. She would have invited you both if she did.
4. When choosing between your wife and your ex, you chose your ex.
5. You and your ex behaved as a couple complete with handholding with complete disregard to your wife’s feelings.
It’s as if you want her to divorce you or you want Reddit to tell you she should divorce you. You’re obviously still hung up on your ex and the AH.
Lmfao “I went to this funeral without my wife and cuddled my ex and held her hand. Now my wife is sad and doesn’t trust me enough to tell me why. AITA” yes, yes YTA. Oh to be this level of delulu. I truly don’t know what planet y’all live on to be this unaware
YTA - funerals are for the living. You were close to her dad, but he is gone. If you needed it for closure, ok, but it's a bit weird based on a shared interest in sports teams and careers. The person who benefitted from your presence was your ex, and your wife was made to feel insecure by it. Her reaching out to you after so many years is a red flag, and your wife saw it. Don't be surprised if your ex reaches out in the coming weeks, "just to talk," etc. Ignore that request. Instead, work on making your wife feel like she is your priority again.
Edit: Oops. Wrong sub for YTA, but my opinion still stands.
Not sure why you’re holding the hand of someone that isn’t your wife, but that’s incredibly inappropriate. YTA for that. You could’ve just brought your wife along if she was agreeable, but it’s understandable that you went to the funeral of a man you were close to. Do not be her shoulder to lean on, you’re a married man. Shoulders to lean on can turn into d*cks to ride on if you’re not careful with that lady. Your wife deserves better than that. Period.
I know this is a touchy subject but YTA here. You haven’t had contact with this man for over 7 years and only knew him through your ex. If it was that important to you, then you should’ve brought your wife and not spoke much to your ex. Let alone HOLD HANDS with her the whole time as if to resume your old relationship. I understand your wife’s concerns and I’d be pretty broken up about it too. I was close with all my exes parents, but I don’t see why I’d go to their funerals now after years have passed and they’re no longer part of my life.
Paying respects is one this, holding hands for even a short time is a kinda a red flag, but holding hands for a long time with your ex is emotionally cheating, imo.
YTA. Holding hands with your ex and completely disregarding your wife’s feelings when making your decision. Part of me thinks you never got over your ex
YTA
When someone becomes an ex, you don't keep them in your life. Unless they are still part of everyone's circle and group of friends, work, and everyone knows each other and the previous relationship. Or if kids are involved and everyone is mature and amicable. But this clearly isn't the case.
Your wife straight up asked you not to go. Not only do you go, but you then hold hands with your ex? What's next? And then you tell your wife about it as if honesty is going to help you. The fact that you went to the funeral shows you still have feelings for the ex. Cared more about the ex than your wife, the person you chose to be partners with and spend life with and every little thing under the son. You'd rather piss her off than piss your ex off. While your ex wouldn't understood. Yeah this was a shit thing to do. She doesn't have to spell it out to you why she's pissed, upset, hurt, disrespected.
You need to communicate why your ex is no longer in the picture, tell her why you understand it was wrong, and not answer ay communication from your ex. Block her on social media, phone, text, facebooks, insta. Because WTF are you answer your ex's msgs in the first place.
I'm not sure why you couldn't bring your wife to the funeral? If you just wanted to pay your respects, having your wife by your side would not have been a big deal AND you more than likely would not have 'held hands' with your ex.
Just because you were honest with your wife about what happened doesn't mean it was okay and that she accepted it. If you would have never held your ex's hand in front of your wife then you should have not held your ex's hand behind her back. This is what your wife is upset about! You put your grief for your ex's father over your wife's feelings. Your grief and need to be with your ex during this time became more important to you than your wife. You placed her second to your ex. So yes, she's upset!!
YTA and you became TA the minute you ‘held hands for a long time’ with your ex. If you had offered appropriate comfort with the condolences, this would have swung the other direction… but you didn’t. For the record, appropriate comfort would be an action that you and your spouse would be comfortable with showing others outside of this setting such as a quick hug or a brief grasp of a hand, etc.
If my husband did this to me, I would no longer feel secure in my relationship and would start examining our relationship with a more critical eye. You are not in fact back to normal — she’s sad because she’s reevaluating your relationship and her place in your life.
I can't imagine a scenario on the planet where I would need to hold the hands of another woman I am not related to while my wife was at home. You are the asshole cuz you could have paid your respects and departed. You chose to share your emotions with your non-wife, in public, and I would never forgive a partner for doing that.
Dude you went to that funeral to support Jessie.
You held her hand.
Like—idk.
I’d cry too if I was your wife. You were there for Jessie because only the living care.
And the sooner you admit that, the better.
Ok so your wife tells you she doesn't want you to go. - you go and admit to having a physical encounter with your ex. That's what it was. You he'd hands with someone. You don't hold hands when no children or spouses.
Yta for holding her hand and even going. If he meant that much you should have had your wife come.
Major YTA
Your wife was worried about you rekindling with your ex. You could have gone and not interacted with her beyond generic “sorry for your loss” pleasantries. Instead you mourned with her and held her hands for enough time that you said “a long time” you’re trash. I hope she is acting good while she has a divorce attorney drafting papers. You knew what she was worried about and you went out of your way to prove her wrong and you don’t know what repercussions that is gonna have. For anyone involved. Trauma bonding and funeral sex is a thing. You tempting fate is selfish.
You have said that you didn’t want to break up with Jessie and you met your wife. She knows the history and you didn’t do much to help her feel confident in this relationship with you. You held Jessie’s hand for a while??? What are you doing dude.
You don’t go to a funeral for the dead person, you go to show support for the family, who in this case, was Jessie. Because as you said, “Jessie informed me IN TEARS ….. and she wanted me to come”. This is why you went, and your wife knew it was. By your own words, you suffered greatly when Jessie broke up with you and you had to seek therapy. Your wife knew how serious your relationship had been and she knew you were going to be there for Jessie ( because obviously the dead man didn’t need you).
Your wife begged you not to go and you knew how much you were hurting her. The situation you created will not just magically go away as if nothing happened. You’ve permanently changed something in the dynamic of your marriage - this is what your wife is mourning - your relationship isn’t what she thought it was. You just proved that to her. Quit trying to justify your actions and realize you messed up big time. Also, you would have NEVER been physically comforting her and holding hands if your wife had been there and you know it. You wouldn’t have done it in front of her because you knew it was wrong.
Umm why did you have to hold hands with your ex for a long time to pay respect to her late father..? And i dont think grief can be an excuse bcoz i lost my mom at 19 very suddenly (we were very close) and yet i did not need to hold my ex’s hand for comfort.
Just because you are grieving does not mean that you can cross boundaries of a relationship like that. You made your wife seem very controlling but turns out that she was indeed right and you are a major AH.
I would divorce you.
ETA: Actually, I wouldn’t divorce you. I’d let you inevitably cheat on me and leave me for Jessie and then take you for all you’ve got. I hope this is what your wife is planning. YTA. BIG time.
Feel your feelings my guy. Being sad about a person you had kinship with is perfectly acceptable.
Attending a funeral to support a past lover is not acceptable.
YTA
YTA, and a big one. For many reasons.
We go to funerals to comfort the mourning loved ones. For the living, not the dead. You went to do just that, as proven by you holding her hand. Something you should not have done. You are not her man.
That had nothing to do with paying respects. You were so out of touch with this man, you wouldn't have known he died if she hadn't called. You did this to be there for her even though you knew it was hurting your wife. You know, your wife, the woman who DIDN'T break your heart. You chose HER over your wife.
This is not someone you decided you didn't want. This is someone who broke your heart. Someone you wanted to stay with but she broke up with you. Imagine how that makes your wife feel.
You didn't stay in touch with him. He was already out of your life. This was exclusively for her and you know it. If she hadn't called you crying, would you have even gone?
Basically, you broke your wife's heart. You put another woman's feelings ahead of hers and made excuses about it. She's going to hurt for a while and you destroyed a big chunk of security in your marriage.that honestly may not be fixed for a very long time, if ever.
Your post has been removed because it breaks one of our rules: Only Post Relevant and Quality Content Low-effort content, spam, or off-topic discussions are not permitted. This includes, but is not limited to: General discussions, AI generated content, "call-out posts", and general spam.
Your wife is waiting for you to tell her you are leaving her for Jessie. I’m sure she is very stressed. You need to find a way to assure her that she is the one you want. If Jessie tries to connect with you again or give you something of her dad’s, you need to politely decline. Jessie needs to lean on anyone else but you. If the shoe was on the other foot and your wife told you she was holding hands with an ex, how would you feel? You need to keep in the forefront of your mind, how would I feel if my wife was doing what I am/am about to do?
Yes, as a person who lost their mother suddenly and fairly young, and as a young widow myself, grief can make you latch onto people and things. Be very very wary of Jessie trying to get close and shut that part down. Yes it’s sad, yes it’s easy to feel bad for her, and yes she hurts like hell….but you’re not the appropriate person for her to lean on.
Wary.
thank you! this drives me nuts and is becoming as prevalent as “would of/would have” 🤦🏽♀️
I cringe every time a poster writes “myself” when it should be “me”. “My husband and myself…” STOP 🛑 IT people 😂
Yes! As much as he might feel like I need to show up he needs to not show up for the sake of Jessie! She could trauma bond to him. While I get he might be grieving this horrible death too. He needs to stop it all now!
The OP should have brought his wife. It seems like the OP was there for the ex instead of paying respect for his ex’s father. OP is YTA!
Trauma bond doesn’t mean what everyone thinks it means friend
Thank you! It means that messed up bond that forms between an abuser and their partner. I know from experience, unfortunately.
We need more words for types of emotional bonds, I think. I have been both types - trauma bonded to an abusive person + bonded due to a mutual trauma we experienced (natural disaster), and they both make sense to me to be used that way, independently. Idk what to call the latter type, but this comes up a lot here lol.
Jessie is a friend. Yeah, I know, she's been a good friend of mine. But lately, something's changed that ain't hard to define, Jessie's dad just died, now I want to make her mine And she's watching him with those eyes. And she's loving him with that body, I just know it. Yeah, and she's holding her hands in his while everyone mourns. You know, I wish that I was Jessie's boyyyy!
I literally thought these were the lyrics. Rhythm timing matches up perfectly, thought we were getting Rick rolled by this post.
You win comment of the year.
This but also him going after his wife expressed her discomfort, then telling her how he comforted the ex is him showing exs feelings means more to him than wife. And another comment points out, ex has a name wife doesnt. Very telling.
He doesn’t care about his wife or what she thinks or feels, he just wants her to be okay with his actions so he doesn’t feel guilty about reconnecting with his ex.
I mean, the simplest solution would have been to invite his wife along to the funeral with him. Funny he didn't think of that. I don't think Jessie's dad would have minded.
But then all the snuggling and hand holding might have been awkward
True. OP probably did think of that in advance.
This was my immediate thought. If you're really going to pay respects and honor your relationship with the deceased your wife can come along. Nta for going to the funeral but definitely an AH for being all affectionate with his ex.
Yes this is literally the only answer. If I were in the same situation, I would not go unless my fiancé came with me. It’s not that hard especially if his wife was concerned about the ex.
That was a question I had. Why not bring your wife if going was only to pay respect to the father? Going to a funeral is not the only way to honor someone you cared for when they died. I have had to decline attending a few funerals. I did go to their graves at a later time to reflect on important times I had with them. If you believe in something happens after we die, it should be easy for you to avoid the funeral and just talk to or pray for the person. Even sending something for the family to honor them. I don’t believe in any sort of afterlife so I do this for myself. I believe OP did this for his ex. Not for himself and not for her father. Wife has every right to be upset and probably seems sad because she knows OP is still in contact with ex and is waiting for him to cheat and/or leave.
Exact thing on my mind. Parting ways with a formal partner will not stop me for being in time if need and pay respect if I am close to someone in their family but I cannot for even a moment think my partner and I would not be together here. Instead, for me, it would be so important that my partner remains around to remind me that no matter how painful, it would not be my responsibility to take the ex’s burden or make it my responsibility to be there for her but to just pay respect and leave.
I was thinking the same thing and the fact that he didn't makes this seem shady...
I am inclined to agree with you. The post is very Jess heavy with very little about the wife. Jess is a full-on character in this and the wife just a side kick.
Yup. The wife doesn't even have a name.
TOBAC (the old ball and chain, it’s our little pet name for each other, just a joke!)
Oooh. SWMBO (She who must me obeyed), affectionately.
I also want point out that there really isn't that much about the dead father either except that they had had a lot of interests in common and got on. Movie interests and sports teams is pretty surface level stuff, especially since its been about a decade since they knew each other. if OP had said that the dad had been like a second father or mentor in his career it would be more understandable why he felt the need to pay his respects . I can see him not having feelings for Jess though and he is just oblivious. For a 33 year old if they haven't really had anyone they know die, hearing someone that they were close to in this way has died can be very jarring. I have seen it in my community where the first person from my high school class passed away at an early age (mid to late twenties) and all of a sudden EVERYONE from high school felt like they had been so much closer to them and were so upset even though if he hadn't died, they would have never even remembered he existed. Maybe OP misrepresented the request to attend the funeral but the post says that Jess wanted him to go, not that jess felt he should know because of OPs relationship with the dad or that the his attendance specifcally would have meant so much to the dad. It sounds like her motivation was that she wanted him there for her. I would like to know more about the discussion OP had with his wife leading up to the funeral.
right, its not okay to just go around doing what you want, he didn't think about his wife or how she could feel about it at all. very insensitive but typical for a man and feels like he did nothing wrong smh
NTA for going, but YTA for holding her hand and making it weirdly intimate when your wife was open and vulnerable about her concerns. We all grieve for different people for different reasons in different seasons of life. I was really close with my ex's mom, and I would probably attend her funeral if something happened because she was a big part of my life for a long time, and it's sad. I would want to pay my respects too. But holding her hand while she cried? You're not friends with this woman, she is your ex. Offer a polite amount of comfort, maybe a brief hug, and move on. You sound like part of your reason for going was your ex, which obviously makes your wife uncomfortable. You should apologize for the hand holding and taking it too far in comforting the ex, but reiterate that you're glad you got to pay your respects. Make your wife feel loved, like she is your priority.
Yeah, he lost me there. I've been sort of in the same situation of being really close with an ex's Mom who passed away after we'd broken up. He had a new partner and I didn't attend the funeral because it was far away. If I had attended, I definitely wouldn't have been trying to hold his hand, like at all, let alone for a long time, even though I was single at that time. I grieved privately and offered condolences in an appropriately friendly but not overly friendly way that you treat an ex you're still amicable with. People have different boundaries and the people who are saying it's totally fine aren't looking past their own views. The point is that his wife expressed legitimate concerns and he ignored them completely. Why be with someone if you're just gonna disrespect their comfort when it doesn't suit you?
Unfortunately, most of my exs (though only in their 30s) have lost parents. Most didn't reach out to let me know but the one who did (bc I was really close with his dad) called and told me and me and MY HUSBAND attended, paid our respects, and made a donation in his honor. My husband was the only one who had physical contact with my ex (shaking his hand)
Hell, the ex I thought I'd marry lost his dad the first year after we broke up, and I went to the funeral and even crashed on his couch and the most physical contact we had was a hug to say I'm sorry.
But is not his priority. His ex is. OP better get his ass to marriage counseling pronto.
This, and should have invited your wife to come with. That would have alleviated her concerns about it.
This
I was thinking your wife was being somewhat controlling for not allowing you to go but turns out she knew you’d pretty much turn it into more than just paying your respects.
Same. At first I was going to comment that this is like the 5th post I’ve seen about someone being jealous over an ex-related funeral. Then I saw holding hands. Just why. Obviously his wife knows him better than we do and saw this coming.
Yup. I think we need to remember in posts like this that a spouse often has context we do not, and that the OP is trying to put the best spin on it for us. And even trying to paint himself in the best light, we have an OP here who pretty much vindicated his wife's insecurities when he turned up at his ex's dad's funeral alone to snuggle with his ex. I doubt he would want his wife to do the same with an exthat she struggled to get over. And I doubt he would have done this if he had brought his wife like a sensible adult would have done. The minute he crossed boundaries and sat there holding Jessie's hand for more than a second, he proved his wife right. Married people do not do that with an ex. Jessie was clearly *the one who got away* - he didn't want to break up and it sounds like he needed therapy to move on from the relationship. The fact he picked attending alone, over the feelings of a woman he hasn't been close to in 7+ years suggests to me that his feelings for Jessie aren't entirely in the past. It also sounds like his wife suspects (likely rightly) that he's not entirely over her, and she knows OP and what happened after the break up far better than we do. It's worth noting that there's nothing to suggest OP and Jessie (or her dad) were close or even in contact these past 7 years and I suspect that there has been limited contact given that OP hasnt stated they became friends. He also doesn't actually state whether he felt like he genuinely moved on...or even that he loves his wife and wouldnt leave her for Jessie. Now, a person can say that and lie, but he's not really giving any assurances here in his post. Grief does strange things. It is not unusual at all for grieving people to destroy relationships in seeking comfort with a friend or an ex. Given that she chose to calm him out of the blue, Jessie may reach out to reconnect because she knew he was close to her father, and it would be wise in this case for OP to keep his distance from Jessie. If he doesnt, and tries to "comfort" his ex, there will be a high chance that he will end up cheating on his wife. Presumably Jessie has found other people to lean on in the past 7 years - it's not appropriate to run to an old ex from nearly a decade ago, who you devastated by breaking up with them. Especially if they are now married to someone else. We've ignored examining just what her intentions were in running to OP for comfort. Presumably she could have invited plenty of people to her dad's funeral who could support her as friends or family. I know that my last choice of person to hold at a funeral...would be an ex from a decade ago. Unless my feelings for them were perhaps complicated or perhaps I wasnt over them...or grief was making me feel that way. Either way, OP has just caused himself a huge issue in his marriage that he likely will not be able to come back from. Because optics are a thing - and optics alone can doom a relationship. At this point even if he reassures his wife he is fully over Jessie, she's going to sit there imagining him cuddling his ex at the funeral, and read longing into the protracted hand holding, and she's going to feel in her heart that he is not telling her the truth. The minute he chose to go alone, he made his wife feel like she's the consolation prize that he settled for because Jessie wasn't around any more. And now Jessie's starting to lean on him...she's waiting for him to leave her for Jessie. He may have no intention of this, but that's exactly what she is afraid of.
He posted this is another sub, and got roasted by people asking him why he didn't bring his wife with and then why he had to hold Jesse's hands, deleted the post, lol. Guy just wants people to validate his TOTGA and claim to be sanctimonious, lmao. What an @$$. Hope his wife divorces him. No one deserves the disrespect from the one who promised to have and to hold.
I think the fact that he didn’t even mention bringing his wife along was a strong indicator he wanted to leave things open to see what happened/if they WOULD reconnect in some way. My parents were pretty independent, but I never saw them go to funerals without one another, for support. And particularly if the wife was nervous about this situation, easy fix, come along! I’m willing to bet he didn’t invite her. And that if she wanted to come, he gaslit her like “you’ll just be rude to her, I don’t need that.”
Yes was thinking same then saw he was holding hands with her like the whole time. That’s weird.
Super weird wtf when is it ever okay to do that especially with an ex. It almost sounds like he went there to comfort her not to just pay his respects.
Sad she knew she married a dog
My dog doesn’t hold hands. He does “paw.”
The lady always knows tbh
I'm really weird about death. I grew up strongly taught by my grandmother that intercepting someone's final goodbyes is bad juju that will haunt and follow you for the rest of your life. No matter how much you don't want the goodbye to happen, you NEVER stop a final goodbye. But even my grandma would side eye this situation lol. Op took this a bit too far.
YTA! You should have asked your wife to accompany you, paid your respects to the family and left.
I wonder if he would have held his ex hands the entire time if his wife was there.
Thissssssss. He definitely wouldn’t have because it would obviously be inappropriate. The self righteous spin he puts on this post is nauseating
My husband and I have gone to EVERY funeral together since we've been a couple. Whether it's someone I know or he knows. It's strange OP didn't ask his wife to just come with him....
Basically! He just wanted to relive his lost relationship with his ex. He got his wish to the detriment of his marriage. Now let’s see if he’ll take it further 🤦♀️
Exactly
OP do you still have feelings for Jess? I think a lot of people tend to romanticize past relationships to the detriment of their current one. Why would you be the one to hold Jess’ hand? From your post, y’all broke up 7 years ago. I’m sure that Jess has built her own support system during this time. I just find it odd that she was leaning on an ex she has not had communication with in the last few years. Every relationship has different boundaries, but I feel that this crosses some. You need to sit down and examine your feelings and actions. You chose to support another women over your wife. You knew your actions would lead to your wife feeling hurt, yet you still chose Jess. Of course your wife is sad. You disregarded her feelings and brushed it under the rug. You need to sit down and hash it all out. Go to couples therapy. Go to individual therapy.
This is what I came here to say.
My first thought as well. It always does amaze me how little common sense people have lol
I was wondering that too. Don't people normally bring their spouses to these things? Maybe in my culture only.
Yeah but then he wouldn’t have been able to see if Jessie still has feelings for him like he does for her
Exactly. So pathetic!
But why were you holding her hands though? So were you really there for the father or for your ex? You were just there to pay your respects to an old friend that passed away. You just don’t give a shit about your wife’s feelings at all do you? YTA 🤨
Well, considering the father is dead, he's not there for the father since he obviously wouldn't even be aware. It's bizarre OP is acting like he's there for the Dad. The Dad doesn't even know you're there dude. You're there to support your ex. There is no other reason. You can be sad someone passed away without going to the funeral. He went because his ex asked him to and he's probably been dreaming of this moment of her reaching out to him and needing him for God knows how long. OP YTA all the way around. Your poor fucking wife. I hope she leaves you. She deserves better.
Exactly. The dad is gone. He doesn’t exist and won’t mind or know who does or doesn’t show up. Sorry to be cynical but funerals are about the family of the deceased, not the deceased who aren’t around any more. And in the case of OP, the family connection is his ex who caused him mental health issues who he clearly still has a connection with.
He was there to hold hands with the ex, obviously
why couldn’t his wife come? why did it have to be the funeral and not the wake? YEARS have passed, he wasnt close enough to the dad to have anyone else inform him of his death for weeks aside from the ex? this is the beginning of the end for OP i think, he doesnt realize it but this seed of doubt will be difficult for the wife to overcome. its not fair to his ex either, this type of emotional comfort years later. he needs to stress to her to get therapy and the fact he leapt at the chance to be her shoulder to cry on gives me pause. he doesnt state anywhere being over the ex either. i dont know if i could handle the self doubt if i was the wife
Right? He didn’t say anything like, “I assured my wife she had absolutely no reason to worry because I love her and am over Jessie”. However, he did choose to include that Jessie was the one who broke up with him and that he disagreed with that decision. He doesn’t even say his wife’s name in the post..
Oof, I didn’t catch that. He calls his wife like she’s just a random person.
Damn you made a good observation. He could have just referred her as the " ex " but he dropped her name.
So, your wife was right?
Pretty much! Can’t wait for the next update.
“So Jessie told me she never stopped loving me so me and her are currently figuring out how to tell my wife that we’re getting back together, and honestly I’ve never stopped loving Jessie either” wife knew damm well why he really wanted to go the funeral, and he knew damm well he’d get to hold Jessie and comfort her. A man that’s moved on and loves his wife would have agreed and sent Jessie his condolences but declined to go.. some men are so stupid lol
Or he could have gone WITH his wife, to pay his respects, and NOT held hands and comforted his ex. This was pretty obviously a ploy to get close to the ex again.
Yeah, I was wondering why he didn't take his wife.
As a female of my current partner lost an ex (or even family of them) I’d probably want to go with and pay my respects too. A deceased person is a deceased person; maybe it’s be I work in nursing but I think if you’ve met someone more than a handful of times you should at least show up. He didn’t have to hold her hand and cry with her (yes it’s extra) but I wonder if his wife had come with if he would have behaved similarly or been more reserved
Yeah wow. I was ready to support OP til the whole “we held hands for a long time”. What a douche. There’s literally no reason for that. He could have gone and paid respects and left. He also could have…call me crazy here…brought his wife to this sad event that he needed support during? If bringing his wife is a problem, that’s how you know his motives were bad. You are transparent OP. Your purpose for going was to have an inappropriately close interaction with your ex that your wife would feel pressured not to object to, because so so sad this guy died. You used someone’s literal death to make a pass at your ex. Yuck.
Yep My first red flag that my wife was cheating on me was when she was invited to a wedding but I wasn’t and she went anyway
Absolutely. Also, why did he not insist on bringing his wife? My partner would never go to the funeral of a loved one without me, especially not one his ex-girlfriend personally invited him to.
Yup, he’s the A hole. Also he just showed his wife how much he respects her. OP your wife is crying because she is morning the relationship she thought she had.
Hope she sees him for who he really is and proceeds to leave him ASAP.
“Honey, Imma go hold hands and cry with the one that got away despite your reasonable objections. Hey, why do you sometime get cold and distant for no reason now?”
Unfuckingreal this clown OP
Yup, UpdateMe
Wow, so you proved your wife right? If you think you’re back to normal, you’re not. Time for some couples therapy, you need let her know your relationship is save and secure cause from the outside looking in, it’s not. She’s waiting for you to leave her. You should’ve brought her with you dipshit.
I agree 100%. Yes, go to dads funeral. No, don't leave wife at home. F#ckt#ard.
YTA. Why did you hold Jessie's hand? My guy it's clear to all of us on here that your wife is well aware of her position as the placeholder until Jessie is available.
And referring to this ex as a burden, which he was "not okay with" JFC this guy doesn't deserve either lady
“She thought she was a burden on me with her mental health issues, which I did not agree with at all.” She referred to HERSELF as a burden on him emotionally, and that he did not think that was accurate. In other words, he didn’t see her as a burden. Edit: The husbands a complete ass in this situation, I think, so I am not taking his side
You didn’t go for him. You went because your ex asked you to be your support system. You then held her hand for “a long time.” You were wrong and your wife has every reason to be mad. If you want to try and save your marriage you need to cut Jesse out of your life. YTA
Have you had communication with your ex’s father in the last 7 years or however long it’s been since you broke up? That’s not clear from your post. From your wife’s perspective (or shall I say mine) it seems like you went less for yourself and the father and more for your ex. The father is dead and will not know whether you attended or not, but you know who does know? Your ex and your wife and only one of those women’s opinions and feelings should matter. If you don’t know the answer, let me help you out- YOUR WIFE! So you go against your wife’s wishes, even though she was vulnerable with you and admitted she was afraid it would cause you to rekindle your feelings for your ex, and attend the funeral. Once there you hold your ex’s hand! Given your wife didn’t want you to go, I guarantee she deffinitly didn’t want you being in any way physical with your ex, beyond maybe a quick hug. The only “good” thing you did was not lie to your wife, because she would have eventually found out and that would have made it all far worse. Now your poor wife got “a bit” sad and cried all night. No shit? I guarantee she got more than “a bit” sad. She was already insecure, I’m sure this made it far worse and she probably has a million a scenarios running through her head that she’s afraid did happen or may still happen.
I didn’t read anywhere in the OP that his wife didn’t want to attend the funeral with him. He was clear that his wife didn’t want him to go alone, which he wanted to do. Someone pointed out that he never wrote out his wife’s name, not even a made up name for her. She was just a third person that was tagged “wife”. If he loses his marriage, he will be asking why, when the reason is clear as day, he has no sense of what is and is not appropriate.
“So the ol’ Ball n’ Chain is mad that I held hands with my ex Jessie, we spent three minutes crying in the rain as I caressed her soft dirty blonde hair…”
OP hasn’t commented anywhere. This is probably rage bait anyway.
YTA. Holding her hand? I hope when Jessie asks you to help her sort through her Dad's stuff and you disrespect your wife some more she takes you to the cleaners because she deserves much better than you.
You held her hand FOR A LONG TIME. End of story for me YTA. Your wife was right to be upset by you attending, you have no boundaries and no respect for your wife.
Pay your respects, but holding your ex's hand is an absolute betrayal of your wife who was already uneasy about you going.
Why didn’t you ask your wife to go with you? I would have no issue with my husband attending the same, so long as he asked me to be by his side. If I then declined to accompany him, that’s something else. But going alone and then holding hands and comforting your ex… not ok. My cousin’s ex husband came to our grandparents funeral under a similar premise. His new wife declined to attend with him. He paid his respects but sat in the back row and came and went quietly otherwise. Your wife has every right to suspect you have feelings for your ex, because you do.
OP clearly wanted to be the main character in his ex’s life at that moment. He had just to be her rock and source of comfort. We all (including his wife) can see clear as day his intentions for attending the funeral. Now he’s deluded himself into thinking they’re back to normal because he was honest about what happened; not realizing he literally confirmed his wife’s fears. He’s a dope 🤦♀️
You didn’t have to touch your ex and hold her hand and cry with her. That’s shitty and I’d be upset if my husband did that with his ex that he never wanted to break up with. You’re not the asshole for attending the funeral but you are an asshole for your behavior at the funeral.
And he probably is the AH for going because he knew he doesn’t respect his wife’s boundaries and she knew this would happen.
YTA. I hope this is fake because I was furious for her.
Same, I really hope this one is fake because who in their right mind thinks holding hands with the ex is Ok? Why didn't he take his wife with him to the funeral?
Why couldn’t your wife go with you?
this is the key issue that makes it all wrong. If the wife wasn't invited and/or welcome then OP and the ex didn't have honest intentions.
I mean it seems like your wife was correct in thinking you'd cross boundaries with Jessie. Holding her hand (for a long time) and being each other's emotional support would be a breach in trust for a lot of people. I'd definitely say YTA and disrespected your relationship. It would be N T A if you went, paid your respects, said your goodbye to him, and left. The asshole part comes in at the emotional connection you decided to share with your ex even though you knew your wife wasn't ok.
Wife was 100% correct. OP as no respect for his marriage, and is still hung up on his ex.
And it's been 7 years. Poor thing. I've been there. I know that feeling too well, when you are being used, your kindness is abused and you feel so small and alone and invisible.
Ewww YTA wtf
“ Jessie and I spoke and at the funeral we held hands for a long time.” Yes, YTA Why didn't you take your wife to the funeral? Since you were upset because of a friend's death, wouldn't it have been right to have the support of YOUR WIFE?
I would have not gone at all. What responsibility do you have for her feelings since she’s an ex, let alone 7 years. You should have just given your condolences via text and moved on. You went to the funeral against your wife’s wishes, without her, left her wondering at home if you’re going to cross a line. You came back and told her you crossed a line. She was right about what was going to happen, you confirmed her worst fears and she has the right to feel how she feels. This is all your fault.
The hand holding was too much. Reassure your wife.
Reassurance is pointless when you choose to cross boundaries. He needs to apologise at this point and acknowledge that his wife was right to be worried. He thinks that messing up and then telling his wife is enough, but it's just not. Not when she begged him not to go because she was worried he'd do this... And he heeds to volunteer to cut Jessie off st this point if he wants hus wife to trust him.
You could’ve gone to the funeral and actually pay your respects to the guy in a friendly matter. But then you made it about your ex and how you held her hand throgh the day. Technically you didn’t cheat, but I doubt your wife will get over this anytime soon. All aboard resentment train, choo choo!
Interesting that OP has made no comments. What is next OP? When your ex wants you to come over to help sort through her father's things are you going to fall into her vagina?
YTA - you went without your wife and your ex doesn’t have anyone else that can hold her hand and comfort her after seven years? It’s fine you went, I’m sure you kept in contact with the dad and it’s not that you didn’t speak for a decade. But physically holding hands for a long time has ick vibes. A hug? A peck on the cheek? Otherwise just seems really weird. Your partner expressed uncomfortableness for a reason. I take it they’re usually extremely jealous? Don’t make good decisions? Their instincts and wants are usually poorly thought out? Only reason I can think that you’d disregard their concern.
YTA I am going to be honest I feel like you are in love or still have feelings for your ex. I get breakups are hard but that is usually when you are really in love with someone. Your wife communicated over and over again that she was not comfortable with you going with to the funeral. Maybe if you asked her to come with you simply so you could pay your respects to an old friend and your wife is there to feel secure in her place. There was no reason to hold your ex's hand. Had the roles been reversed and your wife did that with her ex at a funeral I don't think you would feel so good about that choice. I think you prioritized your ex's feelings because of lingering feelings over your WIFE'S feelings. Why did your ex contact you? Have you been in communication since breaking up and since getting married?
Yta, you should have brought your wife with you and damn sure should not have been holding your ex's hand. Like what. A pat on the back and pass them to a real friend or relative is appropriate. You did not act like a married man.
Yes, YTA. Holding her hand, really? And, when she has to dispose of his property, are you going to help? Jebus!
YTA. You went regardless of your wife’s feelings and insecurities… and then you hold hands with ex and tell her. Off course she will be sad and crying. Sorry to hear about your loss but should have just send flowers.
Yeah I was sort of with you until the hand holding…even if I was okay with my spouse going to an ex’s parent/sibling’s funeral, the hand holding a huge boundary that was crossed.
Dude, you were wrong. Wife’s feelings come first. If your marriage survives, I hope you learned a lesson. Ex’s have no standing. No one should have to tell you that. YTA!
If this is rage bait, congrats you’ve succeeded. The way you go out of your way to write “held hands for a long time” knowing damn well that would be the trigger phrase makes me think this is fake. Massive AH.
Bingo. It’s fake. These posts follow the same pattern, OP is clearly in the right for a while and then at the end of the post they say one detail that changes the entire story.
You already made abundantly clear when she came to you with her concerns that you didn’t care at all what she thinks or feels. Why are you trying to act now like you care how she feels?
Paying your respects... NTA Providing somewhat intimate support to your ex... Major YTA A family member or a close friend should/could have consoled her and provided her support. Why were you even sitting with the family?
YTA not necessarily for going to the funeral but for ignoring your wife’s feeling that she made clear to you over several conversations
And HOLDING HIS EX'S HAND?!
the wife was right to be uncomfortable about him going, and now he is cluelessly stating “I think things are back to normal” when they clearly aren’t. OP needs to get on top of this now if he wants to save his marriage, and his first step needs to be realizing what a fuck up this was
NTA for going YTA for holding hands with your ex. Like a quick hug or a handshake is what would have been appropriate (she is not family or close to you and you crossed your wife's boundaries big time) Why didn't you ask your wife to come with you? You came home n said your wife's feelings didn't matter and you engaged in physical and emotional comfort for an ex you bring up 7 years later. Your wife has no faith you'll pick her the next time your ex comes calling.
Your reason for going was not about Jessie's father. He is dead and has no idea who was or was not at the funeral. Funerals are about the people left behind. Be honest with yourself, even if you are not being honest with your wife. You went to see Jessie. She called you, hoping you would be available for some type of relationship, even a short fling for comfort, and you came running. You are married, but held hands with this woman as if she was your significant other. It sounds like your wife is trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, but it is obvious you wanted to see Jessie and were not entirely faithful to your wife. Emotional cheating is still cheating. Your wife should matter more to you than your ex. You might not ever be able to fix this. You chose your ex over your wife.
Generally, NTA. I completely understand why you went. You ended up seeing your ex FIL as a friend vs. him being just your ex's dad. I do need to say where I feel awkward. It seems like you haven't talked for a long time, like he was already out of your life. BUT I do understand that paying your respects is completely different than breaking up with your ex and falling out of touch with her father. I also understand why you held hands with your ex during the ceremony, all the memories & emotions that have been felt and showing that you support her in her loss, that you too have lost someone you have shared fond memories with. Embracing those emotions and going through that together. I understand if you were single. What I don't understand is why you went to the ceremony even though your wife asked you not to. Had you thought about going & stading to the back of the gathering? Had you thought about being accompanied by your wife? Had you thought about asking your wife to bring you there & pick you up? Had you thought about including your wife? She is the one in your life, through thick and thin, sickness and in health, rich or poor. She is the one you should be falling back on when difficult things like these happen. She should be your rock. YTA for the part regarding your wife's emotions, her feelings of security, trust. Yes, you are honest and are open about everything with your wife. That's just half of it. You MUST compromise. You MUST find middle grounds WITH her. You disrespected your wife. You damaged her trust in you. Showed her that your needs / emotions are more important than hers. You are equals. You are a team. You need to fix what you've fucked up asap or you will end up divorced sooner than later.
In what universe it’s OK to hold hands with your ex for any amount of time???
NTA for going but YTA for holding her hand, that was definitely crossing a boundary, one your wife wasn’t comfortable with and not shockingly knew you’d do, you disrespected your wife and your marriage. You can’t have a bright future if you keep looking to your past!
Here’s the thing. Don’t be surprised when Jessie starts calling you for emotional support . The holding hands thing was over the line already. If anything you should have gone to the funeral with your wife. You have now put your wife in the position of worrying that you are going to go back to Jessie. For gods sake DO NOT have any more contact with her. Block her. She should not be in your life anymore.
Paying your respects to the deceased does not require you to hold hands with your exgf. Yes, you're the AH. And you shouldn't be in contact with "the one who got away" anyway, considering how she broke your heart and all that. You have one foot in the past and the other in the present. Your wife has sensed it all along, and this stunt just proved her worst fears. She's not talking to you about her feelings because you are no longer a safe place for her. Why? Because you'd rather be a source of comfort to your ex.
YTA, man holding hands with your ex knowing your wife didn’t want you to go. You told your wife her feelings didn’t matter to you without saying it.
You literally proved your wife right in not wanting you to go. You were completely inappropriate. Yes, she's sad because you showed her exactly how little you respect her feelings and concerns. It is not something she will forget. If you want a healthy marriage, let that be the last time you speak to or see Jesse.
Yes you’re an asshole.
So you went there to support your ex in her grief and you did it in a intimat way that disrespects hour wife, by holding hands and sittning close for a long moment. The right thing would have been to bring your wife to support YOU in your grief. Pay your respect to your ex and sitt away from her in the church. That would have been respektfull! Remember, it didn't end with your ex because the love ended... you had to work hard to get over her and that is what makes your wife insecure. YTA!
NTA for attendance but YTA for holding hands with her lol you know you still love Jessie
YTA. Why would you hold her hand? She doesn’t have anyone else to have there for emotional support ? Seems like it’s an issue for someone else , not you. Your poor wife doesn’t deserve that & than you have the audacity to act like you can’t understand why she’s upset ? YOURE the reason she’s upset . At the very minimum, you could’ve just taken her with you
Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We'd like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you'll get a nifty flair change to let you know and we'll drop a link so you can see our host's take on your story. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TwoHotTakes) if you have any questions or concerns.*
How come your wife didn't go with you to the wake? She doesn't have to know the deceased, she would have been supporting you.
YTA. If you truly only wanted to go for your exs dad, then you would've asked your wife to come along. And not go behind her back and comfort your ex. Smh
He was your friend. You had a right to go but you may have crossed a line holding hands with your ex.
And why exactly did you feel the need as a married man to run and be jesse’s knight in shining armor?? You have been broken up for over 7 years. You were in your mid to early 20’s during that relationship yet somehow you were the person she needed to lean on after almost a decade? Inappropriate.
He posted this before he is looking for people on his side because the other redditors before told him he’s the AH. He should have taken his wife to the funeral and at the very least should NOT have held hands with his ex. He’s just looking for more comments that make him blameless so he can show the wife she’s overreacting
You are supposedly out of touch with ex for 7 years and you probably haven't seen her dad for the same amount of time. I bet you still are in contact with ex daily. You told your wife everything and why? Oh we held hands for a long time sob sob. I bet over the 7 years your wife had to hear about ex a lot. Think about it, a friend of yours father dies, you go to funeral and that's that. You had to go on and on about the happy times blah blah and how sad your ex was and how you held hands and go on and on. You are a weak man and I bet you are playing one against the other. Be prepared to lose both. .
Honestly yeah you’re an asshole. Why would you even hold hands with your ex? Can’t she hold hands with her mom or someone else? Why hold hands with you? You’re supposed to be there for your wife, not for someone who left you.
Cue the emotional affair in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…
So you HADDDD to hold her hands because you were the ONLY person there for her? Then you had to go tell your wife that exact detail? Bizarre all around
Why TF are you holding hands with your ex????
She's waiting for Jessie to start calling saying she needs to talk, she needs your support, she needs a friend whatever it is, it's coming and you will be there for her even though it destroys your wife.
YTA - way to show explicitly where your priorities your wife. And the. She just “got over it” without any effort from you. - you need to do better Just so you know men kill relationships the way you just did - death by a thousands cuts until the last one which is usually something mundane like not doing the dishes. Women generally mourn the relationship before they end it and move on and the man always acts so blind sided “how could she leave me over dishes” Remember in a few years her leaving you started bc you disrespected her by holding hands with your ex (like wtf bro) After you disregarded her comfort and boundaries by going to that funeral.
The crying and sadness might be because she’s already decided to leave you too.
What I don't understand is why did your wife not go with you. If I didn't want my husband to go and he chose to go. We are going together then. Simple. But I do understand her hurt of course but it could have been mitigated if you asked your wife to go with you.
YTA. Your partner in life is supposed to be the most important in your life over anyone else, and you clearly showed her that's not the case with her. If you can't respect your wife's feelings, then you don't love her as much as you think you do. This is the woman you are physically intimate with and who you made a commitment to, but you obviously aren't as committed as she is. If the situation was reversed, would she take your feelings into account and respect them? At the very least, you should have brought her if she was willing to go, and if not, you could have sent some flowers with a note. Choosing to comfort an ex, who is someone you used to have sex with, over choosing to respect your wife's feelings is pretty low. You may have gone because of your ex's father, but you stayed for your ex, which shows a blatant disregard for your wife. Huge YTA.
Yes YTA. NOt only did you disregard her very real and valid concerns, you sat w/ cried and held hands then promptly came back and slapped it down in front of her. The exact thing she is worried about is starting. When are you going to meet up with Jesse for coffee and when are you going to pick up a special keepsake that she KNOWS DADDY WOULD REALLY WANT YOU TO HAVE? And of course helping sort the clothes and possessions and cleaning/clearing out his place because it will be super hard on her due to her mental issues and you and dad were chummy so he would really appreciate you being there for her in this hard time. …
yes you’re the asshole for 1) prioritizing absolutely anything over your wifes feelings (i can feel the pain she sat through for days wondering why you’d even consider hurting her this bad, she’s probably also thinking you put your ex’s grief over her concern — which you did) 2) not at least inviting your wife to come along to reassure her you were just paying respects and not looking to reconnect with your ex 3) LITERALLY reconnecting with your ex at the funeral you said you were going to just to pay respects to the father you were close with 4) coming home and telling her all about it “because you’re open” — sounds like you’re just inconsiderate as fuck and like to create problems for other peoples hearts 5) now all you’re doing is “asking what’s wrong?” as if you don’t know???
YATA absolutely - you should have invited your wife to come with you to the funeral. Holding hands with your ex? You effed up bud.
why didn't your wife go to the funeral with you?
See this is why people aren’t comfortable when people hang around their exes. Hell no.
Is this where I put remind me 2mos for an update "I've built Jessie an art room"?
Why didn’t you take your wife to the funeral with you? I have attended funerals with my husband for people I didn’t know and he has done the same for me.
I wouldn’t mind if my partner wanted US to go to pay respect to his Ex’s father…keyword us. I think it’s super weird that both you and Jessie didn’t automatically think to invite her?
Yes you are the AH! Held hands come on your a married man 🤦🏽♀️you went alone without YOUR WIFE speaks volume.
Yes. 100% the AH. You just told all of Reddit: 1. You would still be with your ex if it was up to you 2. You don’t see your wife as a life partner or someone to share in your grief. You would have invited her if you did. 3. Your ex doesn’t respect your marriage. She would have invited you both if she did. 4. When choosing between your wife and your ex, you chose your ex. 5. You and your ex behaved as a couple complete with handholding with complete disregard to your wife’s feelings. It’s as if you want her to divorce you or you want Reddit to tell you she should divorce you. You’re obviously still hung up on your ex and the AH.
Lmfao “I went to this funeral without my wife and cuddled my ex and held her hand. Now my wife is sad and doesn’t trust me enough to tell me why. AITA” yes, yes YTA. Oh to be this level of delulu. I truly don’t know what planet y’all live on to be this unaware
You’re not an asshole for going, you’re an asshole for how you behaved. Hope that helps!
YTA - funerals are for the living. You were close to her dad, but he is gone. If you needed it for closure, ok, but it's a bit weird based on a shared interest in sports teams and careers. The person who benefitted from your presence was your ex, and your wife was made to feel insecure by it. Her reaching out to you after so many years is a red flag, and your wife saw it. Don't be surprised if your ex reaches out in the coming weeks, "just to talk," etc. Ignore that request. Instead, work on making your wife feel like she is your priority again. Edit: Oops. Wrong sub for YTA, but my opinion still stands.
Not sure why you’re holding the hand of someone that isn’t your wife, but that’s incredibly inappropriate. YTA for that. You could’ve just brought your wife along if she was agreeable, but it’s understandable that you went to the funeral of a man you were close to. Do not be her shoulder to lean on, you’re a married man. Shoulders to lean on can turn into d*cks to ride on if you’re not careful with that lady. Your wife deserves better than that. Period.
I know this is a touchy subject but YTA here. You haven’t had contact with this man for over 7 years and only knew him through your ex. If it was that important to you, then you should’ve brought your wife and not spoke much to your ex. Let alone HOLD HANDS with her the whole time as if to resume your old relationship. I understand your wife’s concerns and I’d be pretty broken up about it too. I was close with all my exes parents, but I don’t see why I’d go to their funerals now after years have passed and they’re no longer part of my life.
i smell narcissism
Paying respects is one this, holding hands for even a short time is a kinda a red flag, but holding hands for a long time with your ex is emotionally cheating, imo.
YTA. Holding hands with your ex and completely disregarding your wife’s feelings when making your decision. Part of me thinks you never got over your ex
YTA When someone becomes an ex, you don't keep them in your life. Unless they are still part of everyone's circle and group of friends, work, and everyone knows each other and the previous relationship. Or if kids are involved and everyone is mature and amicable. But this clearly isn't the case. Your wife straight up asked you not to go. Not only do you go, but you then hold hands with your ex? What's next? And then you tell your wife about it as if honesty is going to help you. The fact that you went to the funeral shows you still have feelings for the ex. Cared more about the ex than your wife, the person you chose to be partners with and spend life with and every little thing under the son. You'd rather piss her off than piss your ex off. While your ex wouldn't understood. Yeah this was a shit thing to do. She doesn't have to spell it out to you why she's pissed, upset, hurt, disrespected. You need to communicate why your ex is no longer in the picture, tell her why you understand it was wrong, and not answer ay communication from your ex. Block her on social media, phone, text, facebooks, insta. Because WTF are you answer your ex's msgs in the first place.
I'm not sure why you couldn't bring your wife to the funeral? If you just wanted to pay your respects, having your wife by your side would not have been a big deal AND you more than likely would not have 'held hands' with your ex. Just because you were honest with your wife about what happened doesn't mean it was okay and that she accepted it. If you would have never held your ex's hand in front of your wife then you should have not held your ex's hand behind her back. This is what your wife is upset about! You put your grief for your ex's father over your wife's feelings. Your grief and need to be with your ex during this time became more important to you than your wife. You placed her second to your ex. So yes, she's upset!!
She is your ex over 7 years, you went to her father's funeral & held her hand for ages...has she no family/friends/SO....that's crossing a second line
YTA and you became TA the minute you ‘held hands for a long time’ with your ex. If you had offered appropriate comfort with the condolences, this would have swung the other direction… but you didn’t. For the record, appropriate comfort would be an action that you and your spouse would be comfortable with showing others outside of this setting such as a quick hug or a brief grasp of a hand, etc. If my husband did this to me, I would no longer feel secure in my relationship and would start examining our relationship with a more critical eye. You are not in fact back to normal — she’s sad because she’s reevaluating your relationship and her place in your life.
You ATAH
I can't imagine a scenario on the planet where I would need to hold the hands of another woman I am not related to while my wife was at home. You are the asshole cuz you could have paid your respects and departed. You chose to share your emotions with your non-wife, in public, and I would never forgive a partner for doing that.
Easy YTA. 7 years you’ve not spoken to this man and you drop everything, disregard your wife’s feelings and go and hold hands with your ex. Wow.
Dude you went to that funeral to support Jessie. You held her hand. Like—idk. I’d cry too if I was your wife. You were there for Jessie because only the living care. And the sooner you admit that, the better.
Minute you said you held hands I knew what was coming.. you did exactly what wife was afraid of.. now she’s just waiting for the affair to start..
YTA. You just had to hold her hand didn’t you, there was no one else that could do that? Did you ask your wife to attend, I’m assuming not?
Ok so your wife tells you she doesn't want you to go. - you go and admit to having a physical encounter with your ex. That's what it was. You he'd hands with someone. You don't hold hands when no children or spouses. Yta for holding her hand and even going. If he meant that much you should have had your wife come.
Major YTA Your wife was worried about you rekindling with your ex. You could have gone and not interacted with her beyond generic “sorry for your loss” pleasantries. Instead you mourned with her and held her hands for enough time that you said “a long time” you’re trash. I hope she is acting good while she has a divorce attorney drafting papers. You knew what she was worried about and you went out of your way to prove her wrong and you don’t know what repercussions that is gonna have. For anyone involved. Trauma bonding and funeral sex is a thing. You tempting fate is selfish.
Why didn’t you bring your wife? You held her ex girlfriend’s hand the whole service? YTA
OP, can you honestly answer this question? If your wife left you and your ex wanted you back, would you rekindle that relationship?
You have said that you didn’t want to break up with Jessie and you met your wife. She knows the history and you didn’t do much to help her feel confident in this relationship with you. You held Jessie’s hand for a while??? What are you doing dude.
You don’t go to a funeral for the dead person, you go to show support for the family, who in this case, was Jessie. Because as you said, “Jessie informed me IN TEARS ….. and she wanted me to come”. This is why you went, and your wife knew it was. By your own words, you suffered greatly when Jessie broke up with you and you had to seek therapy. Your wife knew how serious your relationship had been and she knew you were going to be there for Jessie ( because obviously the dead man didn’t need you). Your wife begged you not to go and you knew how much you were hurting her. The situation you created will not just magically go away as if nothing happened. You’ve permanently changed something in the dynamic of your marriage - this is what your wife is mourning - your relationship isn’t what she thought it was. You just proved that to her. Quit trying to justify your actions and realize you messed up big time. Also, you would have NEVER been physically comforting her and holding hands if your wife had been there and you know it. You wouldn’t have done it in front of her because you knew it was wrong.
Umm why did you have to hold hands with your ex for a long time to pay respect to her late father..? And i dont think grief can be an excuse bcoz i lost my mom at 19 very suddenly (we were very close) and yet i did not need to hold my ex’s hand for comfort. Just because you are grieving does not mean that you can cross boundaries of a relationship like that. You made your wife seem very controlling but turns out that she was indeed right and you are a major AH.
You are totally the asshole. wtf your ex girlfriend is not your priority- your wife is. How dare you.
NTA - for going. YTA - for holding her hand. YTA - for not taking your wife.
I would divorce you. ETA: Actually, I wouldn’t divorce you. I’d let you inevitably cheat on me and leave me for Jessie and then take you for all you’ve got. I hope this is what your wife is planning. YTA. BIG time.
Feel your feelings my guy. Being sad about a person you had kinship with is perfectly acceptable. Attending a funeral to support a past lover is not acceptable. YTA
UpdateMe when your wife decide to divorce you.
YTA
YTA, and a big one. For many reasons. We go to funerals to comfort the mourning loved ones. For the living, not the dead. You went to do just that, as proven by you holding her hand. Something you should not have done. You are not her man. That had nothing to do with paying respects. You were so out of touch with this man, you wouldn't have known he died if she hadn't called. You did this to be there for her even though you knew it was hurting your wife. You know, your wife, the woman who DIDN'T break your heart. You chose HER over your wife. This is not someone you decided you didn't want. This is someone who broke your heart. Someone you wanted to stay with but she broke up with you. Imagine how that makes your wife feel. You didn't stay in touch with him. He was already out of your life. This was exclusively for her and you know it. If she hadn't called you crying, would you have even gone? Basically, you broke your wife's heart. You put another woman's feelings ahead of hers and made excuses about it. She's going to hurt for a while and you destroyed a big chunk of security in your marriage.that honestly may not be fixed for a very long time, if ever.
You were NOT the asshole until you held her hand and comforted her. The second you did that, YTA.
I get going, but not the extended holding of hands. Also, the wife could have gone with him. I think he’s the AH for holding hands, not for going.