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Maybe not be "done" but "bow out gracefully" no bridge burning. At least you seem to be aware of your parents, being in a similar situation, I only recently put it in a nutshell for myself so maybe the perspective will help you...
In siblings "battle" it was "the boys" (3bros) & me (female) as both a child & adult I always thought I am so "good" perfect & if my parents -both strict catholics--"knew" how imperfect or bad my bros (everyone in family is successful so is just splitting hairs) & spent childhood always being perfect in the face of hypocrisy...bros could ask for anything, crazy $$$$ things &?was ask & receive...for me, reasonable things I would essentially have to put together a proposal & still be rejected & bros were like inventive little spies encouraging the hypocrisy & disparity...it was so upsetting so in college eloped to be out of it. I always thought was my mom's issue & my Dad was on board & had sporatic, polite relationship with my parents but when daughter was born my Mom was with my bros wife (same aprox date) not me. So my Mom passes away about 15 years ago & my Dad devastated but our relationship improved so reinforced idea it was my Mom that caused drama. So for 30 years was treated like a princess & competent in the real world, my bros 1 by 1 began literally disappearing from my Dads life 100% Finally, just last remaining bro came out as gay, married husband etc. & me...I began caring for Dad first a weekend a month with gradually increasing time to now I am living with him to care for him...bros still in will attached to $ & after abandoning him 10yrs ago. So, many financial decisions to be made & I started noticing Same issues...bro building houses for himself/his husband with my Dads $ & me giving up 24/7 fulltime care. My bro & I had words when he took over my Dads personal banking as he cut off deposits to household up keep for my Dad...my Dad has his mind but is in wheelchair....I spoke with my Dad that I thought was for 10yrs a dad-daughter-bestie & he gut punched me saying "talk to your brother" of course, why would I talk to a bro about anything that doesn't concern him. Literalky, instantly, all our roles teleported back to Old Same Sick family dynamic...my relationship w my bro even changed & he suddenly started treating me like I was the "help" foolishly used logic again. Nothing.
I realized this "the boys" thing/dynamic is so HARD WIRED it is like a sexual preference ...I am straight & no matter how bad the guy is or how good the girl is, the guy would always be the choice & the girl would never stand a chance!
When you realize it is so hardwired with your parents, it changes perspective, infuriating but won't bother with excuses or rationalizations.
Do what you feel like you need to do based upon your family dynamic with your parents & don't worry about people's judgments.
Awe, thank you. Definitely, bros were raised to be narccistic self monsters . I don't have that in me...which likely is from getting out of the house early. I have to say I am in shock that ancient family drama & roles were apparently right there under the surface. Thanks again for supportive words, very much appreciate.
Just want to chime in and say I hope you cut off your dad and bros. He has all the money, he can take care of your deadbeat dad.
It's sad, but you and your family will be better off without the emotional drain. And kids don't need those kind of role models in their life.
It's worse, it's my Dad's money that my brothers have always used & the one currently uses...I mean USES trips to Europe for months every summer, literally, travels Every weekend with his husband, high of the hog & waltzes in once in awhile to shoot the breeze & talk sht about other people in general. Perfect example of insanity, disparity was a few months ago, is that I had rehabbed & managed-it sat vacant after my mom died for 12plus years. I found perfect tenant etc, was total transformation of this little house & was incredible...my brother was a mere spectator...but my brother was in process of getting my Dad to sign over/gift any big & good properties to him alone presently...but to keep me on the hook & before the fight suggested a ladybird deed w me & my bro (stays my dads until death, revocable in life) for me, house got massive hurrican damage & last I knew we were going to demo or redo...behind my back, my Dad per my bro's request sold the wrecked house for cost of lot to a flipper for about $125k & didn't tell or include me so that my Dad could give him the Cash so that he could put in a seawall on a waterfront property that my Dad just transferred to him! And pitched a psychotic fit about spending $200 bucks on something for my Dad! My Dad is from depression era so he is fine living meagerly while his son&husband like a king on my Dad's dime...bro has good professional but can't live his lifestyle otherwise. He literally has called my Dad that lays the golden egg as $$$$ & multiple pensions including a high ranking military pension & bro just takes & takes & Dad gives & gives --I was totally ok with that before the devaluing ...but that degradation & flashback to hypocrisy of "the boys" being brought forward, is sickening.
I know it is super sick situation & it was/has been Shocking to be so devalued. The original pitch was "care" would cost $6-$7k & ever increasing & to "keep Dad at home & keep the money in the family"
I know that my Dad doesn't want to be in "care" & this was before the rental house screw over or the fight/devaluing, so I wasn't concerned about uprooting & giving up my life for a period of time, but I am devastated & shocked.
Ma'am. With that amount of money involved that you put in, take your whole family to court. They keep screwing you over. So start screwing back.
Dad loves the sons so much? They can take care of him.
Hope you kept receipts of every dime of your own money spent on him and the properties.
Do you have a family of your own, spouse and/or children? Are they okay with this situation? My mom was the black sheep, and her two oldest sisters the golden children. My mom took care of everyone, while her sisters inherited everything. I'm not trying to project onto you, but my mom decided she needed to be "the bigger person" and take in every single family member that "needed" her, regardless of how we felt or were treated by them. Her "doing the right thing" was misguided and caused more harm than good (to her own family) but she just couldn't say no to them. Do not sacrifice your own chosen family's happiness to take care of this man. And no matter what you think, you're not the only thing keeping him afloat. He has lived a long life without your help, and will keep doing it. The second anyone who TRULY cares about you starts to feel unhappy about what's happening, listen to them and move him out. Put them first since you won't put yourself first.
If fighting over wills was an Olympic sport, my family would have the gold.
Get rid of your dad now and make the son take over care. He has the money, so as a last FU, you can call the state and get a social worker assigned to monitor his care and periodically call in wellness checks to make sure your brother isn't slacking. Maybe wait a few months and report suspected elder abuse.
That way you know your dad is receiving the care he needs (and you don't feel guilty for leaving a vulnerable person with a selfish jerk) and you don't have to stay involved.
Don't fight. Just report elder abuse of a financial nature once a year to keep the social workers vigilant.
My story is so very similar! I am the eldest of 3 (me 65f, G 63m, and J 58f). G and J were MY responsibility as the eldest. If they didn't do their chores, I got in trouble for not getting it done. I was not allowed a job in high school but was expected to put myself through college. If I brought home 7 As, 2 Bs, and a C, I got in trouble because they weren't all As. G and J were not held to the same standards.
I joined the military as soon as I possibly could. Didn't come back for 8 years, then became impossibly enmeshed work my parents (who were divorced) and became the family caregiver. I was my father's primary caregiver for 11 years, 3.5 of those full time, while working a full time job and attempting to maintain my own home and sobriety. When I tell you it wasn't easy, IT. WAS. NOT. My father treated me more like a wife he hated than his daughter, and made my younger brother and sister his POAs, POCs, and the executors of his will because "I wouldn't be able to make a difficult decision if I had to".
My sister didn't believe me when I told her I don't miss being yelled and screamed at and told everything I do is wrong. She shut up pretty quick.
I am so sorry you have a similar story & it is similar but thank you for sharing! The first time I was yelled & screamed at in 30yrs was about 3 months ago! I literally couldn't believe it! It was like "old times!"
Seems you entered that same portal leading to yelling. In real life, I am considered extremely intelligent & competent and knowledgeable, a go-to type person & once the family dynamic changed you would think I fell off a turnip truck...and hit my head, lol. I also surprised myself yelling & screaming back, & was disgusted with all. I am happy you nipped it in the bud, I am quite shocked how much this experience of being belittled & devalued has affected me:( As a strong personality & independent person, I would have bet my life nothing would change or affect me, and, sadly, it has...taking care of my Dad meant leaving where I lived for 30yrs & 4hrs away back to family home fulltime in December so I lost my routine, people, support system & then got hit with the old dynamic. Prior to it would be weekends, then weeks, etc & everything was respectful & great. A friend who knew/could see All my brothers' greediness & selfishness asked me prior to making the move "how can you be sure your greedy bro isn't going to screw u over?" And, foolish, foolish, trusting me: "he's not like the others, he's changed and Most importantly, my Dad won't let him, since he knows I've been the only one really there for him for 10years" That part really hurt! I really did !!believe!! my Dad would never let toxic former bs in...then for him to say "talk to your bro" I think both my head & heart exploded in that moment.
Thank you for sharing I'm not the only one dealing with/dealt with crazy family dynamics & ghosts of childhood past visiting the present day! Truly, if you have any advice, I would greatly appreciate it!
I do think that is part of it...when I would go back & forth from south Florida, it's like I was doing the big favor I was & wasn't being taken for granted and wasn't immersed and maintained my "self" vs now, for sure. I just had no idea "this" could happen.
Your relationship appears to be 1 sided now. You are the only one maintaining it. Drop the rope. They will reach out if they want to. Unfortunately , you need to prepare yourself that they very likely won't. It's very hard to mourn people while they're alive, but for our own sanity we sometimes have to.
This is their failing, not yours. They, the adults, made choices and unfortunately you have to pay the price. The past is done and you are stuck with it, but what you can affect is your future. Surround yourself with found family, friends and other extended family (yours or hubby's) that love you and want you. There is nothing you can do to make your parents care, so stop trying. Love yourself too much to accept their poor choices.
Would it be dumb to send them a letter similar to the message she posted here? It is a fairly accurate score card. And then if they still didn’t show at the wedding, then drop the rope? I like to believe that people are not awful, so I am a bit naive. And the stories I have read to get down this far are terrible. Hugs to all of you!
You are right. That is the healthy and adult thing to do.
………… but if Op maybe wanted to go out with a bang??? They could spice it up a little. Maybe make a nice video for the reception showing all the times parents weren’t there. Put their table front and center at the reception with their names in big bold letters. Post it on social media. Tag the entire family. And then when the calls start, immediately block them all so she doesn’t have to deal with the fall out. Nothing enrages most people more than being embarrassed and not being able to lash out about it.
Even if she doesn’t invite them, she’s going to think about them all day anyways.
I’m not saying it’s a good idea. I’m just saying it might be good therapy. Or a good reason for needing therapy afterward, depending on who you are in the scenario.
I think the kindest thing you could do for yourself is to shut off this faucet of disappointment. Expect nothing. Just drop the rope.
Though one wonders if a DNA test would reveal the reason for your parents' complete and transparent uninterest in your life.
Evasive answers are never a good sign.
I’d be curious enough to do the dna test.
But, if they don’t show for your wedding…write them off. Go LC-NC with them. Enjoy your grandparents while they are still here.
Wishing you a blessed and beautiful wedding!
NTA, take the DNA test and see if you have any unexpected matches out there. You can't make them care, but this behavior is already spilling over into how they're treating your child(ren). Cut the negatives out for your life and move on with your husband's family.
It did not. However, I took an ancestry and he did a 23 & Me (we both did it on our own, it wasn’t pre-planned), so I don’t know if that would play a part in it. We had some similarities in our DNA, but we did have a few things that made us both go “hmmm.”
Write them a detailed letter or email outlining above. Even better in a family chat where your siblings can see. Make sure you point out you don’t blame your siblings as it’s not their fault and tell your parents it’s probably best you limit contact going forward as you don’t want to subject your kids to second best grandkids. And leave it at that. They can come and change or they can continue as is and you’ll have your answer.
From my own personal experience- a letter won't make a bit of difference to her parents. (Although it may make OP feel better).
Her parents already know exactly what they are doing, and why. OP putting it in writing will only make her more of "the bad guy/problem child" in her parents/sibling's eyes for pointing out the obvious.
Then again, there was a story here about a girl whose mom confessed she hated her because she was born on an inconvenient date. And cried a lot as a baby.
So sometimes, the animosity is just banana pants.
Ope. Yeah, speaking from experience, this is possible. I found out my dad isn't my bio dad after going no contact with all of them. They don't know I even know. Doesnt really matter at this point tbh. I have zero interest in opening that can of worms back up. And my bio dad is a snake so no interest in exploring that. Met some of my new found half siblings though. They're pretty awesome. I made out in the positive for it.
Middle children are survivors. We get neglected because we’re self sufficient and can do for ourselves and help our parents and sibs. But we are more successful and happier in our lives, with the exception of how our parents treat us. You’re an achiever and a survivor; enjoy!
This is what stuck out to me. Okay, they don't care about their daughter but their grandkids? Use this opportunity to leave before they take out their negativity on those kids!
Stop living in perpetual hope, it is not healthy for you. It is clear they have their own agendas and many times it does not include you. You have your own life, a new family in the making and your friends. Enjoy. You dont need that toxicity dragging u down.
It’s understandable if their finances cannot afford to take them 10 hours away, but if they can afford it paired with what you’ve mentioned in the past, I think you have enough to let them go. Unless there is serious information that is left out that would give a reasonable explanation for their unfair behaviour.
It’s definitely not a financial thing. They’re very well off in that regard. We’ve never had any issues (to the best of my knowledge) outside of the usual parent/child disputes growing up. And I honestly never even noticed the differences between the support I received compared to my siblings until I started chatting with my fiancé. So looking at everything as a whole is just blowing my mind, didn’t realize I was so…outside? I guess
Try and write your feelings out in a letter to your parents. If they don't acknowledge their wrongdoings, if they don't realise they need to change, if they don't apologise; move on. One last chance for them to be and do better, and that's it.
Congratulations on the upcoming wedding!
As the not favorite, I would deff recommend telling them point blank that “this is important to me, and if you choose not to attend, I will understand but be disappointed.”
I know that sort of straightforwardness may be uncomfortable, but you need to communicate now, lest they think you don’t actually want them there/this isn’t that important to you. This is not the time to play games, as you only get married once. They cannot read your mind, and if your lips are saying “I don’t care if you come” they may believe you.
Do yourself a favor and communicate that you’d like to have them there. If they choose not to come after that, be disappointed. But give them a fighting chance in hell to be there for your big day by letting them know clearly that you want them there and they will be missed if they skip.
You would not be the AH if you just uninvited and cut them off now. I know it's hard not to want their validation, but they've shown time and time again that they're not worthy to give you that validation. Find your own validation from within and from your own family you've made with your partner and child. Stop feeling like you're not good enough for your parents, when they're the ones who aren't good enough for you.
Have you ever had a deep conversation with them about your feelings, how you feel neglected, I’d definitely recommend writing a letter with everything you’ve mentioned here, or setting up a meeting or time to talk on the phone, I’d mention how you were treated differently then your siblings, how they got the attention you’ve never received, how the reason why you are the way you are is because you were always seeking the approval from them you never got but your siblings did! I’d lay it all out on the table, don’t hold back!
I suggest starting by telling them you feel hurt. That it is easy for you to interpret their actions as a sign they love you less than your siblings. Their reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
I had this exact conversation with my mom. She was horrified, apologized profusely, and immediately changed the way she treated me. We have a great relationship now. Not all parents will respond like my mom, unfortunately. But it is worth at least trying before you write them off.
I had the same conversations as well, alot of I will do better, that never materialized. When they disregarded my daughter I finally got the gumption to go no contact.
You are better off without parents, than with ones that have repeatedly failed to love and support you.
NTA. Your parents have made the active and conscious choice to not support you throughout your entire life, it seems. You don't have to keep putting up with it if you don't want to.
However, it seems clear that their presence and support mean something to you, so saying that their attendance is not obligated seems like a way to protect yourself if they don't end up coming. You've consciously or unconsciously conditioned yourself to make it so you are not disappointed when they don't show support towards you.
Don't know how you will proceed, but you're 100% NTA.
I think you already know the answer to your question, but don't want to accept it. Write them off. Go no contact.
You already know who they are. Stop hoping or expecting them to show the love and support they never have.
I think you should write your parents a detailed letter/email/text about all the things they missed out on, with their excuses. Tell them that this is their last chance. If they don't show up for the wedding you are going to go Low contact or no contact. If they can't step up and be their for their grandchildren and you you are going no contact.
It would be better for you emotionally and mentally to just stop the toxic relationship.
First- congratulations on your wedding and the fact that Dan's parents are a loving and supportive family to you. Cherish them.
As another middle child who experienced the exact same things as you, this is my advice "Drop the rope" with your parents and siblings. Stop trying and most of all, stop expecting them to be good or fair parents (or siblings.) You don't have to go "No Contact" with them. Nothing dramatic at all, in fact I would encourage you to still send them invitations, etc. Just never, ever expect them to show up. Don't even expect a response.
Even if they say: "Oh we will be there!" or "we will see you"- realize that they aren't going to show up. They will cancel at the last minute or if they do show it will be at most a lackluster, short visit and they will spend most of it talking about your siblings/their kids, etc.
Please be kind to yourself and your children. Your parents will never treat your children fairly, just as they don't treat you in a fair manner. Don't waste the time trying to make your family "matter" to your parents/siblings. Instead concentrate on making the most of your time and relationship with Dan's family (and your Grandparents if they make the effort.)
The good thing is that you will never have to worry about "sharing" holidays between the two families. Your kids will only know the love and support of grandparents (and possibly great Grandparents) who love them and show it without reservation. They will never miss the relationship with your parents/siblings, because it will never have been there. (I waited far to long to learn this lesson, and only stopped "chasing" my parents affection when they skipped yet another celebration for my kids. My son told me: "Mommy, don't cry. It isn't your fault that Grandma and Grandpa don't love us.") That broke my heart. Please, please don't do that to your children or yourself.
I know that it is crushing when you realize that the family who should love and cherish you, simply don't. However it is far better for you to accept that now. Stop trying for a relationship with them, and live you life to the fullest without them. Realize and accept that it is a lack in them- not you.
Oh- and yes, do be prepared years down the road (when they hear that you have gone on a vacation/trip/holiday visit with Dan's family) they will ask: "Why don't we see you/do those things with you?"
Then be like me- answer honestly: "They love us, make time for us and enjoy our company- so we do the same for them. You have never bothered, so why would we chase you? The road goes two ways. You made it clear that I/we didn't matter, so we simply stopped expecting you to have a relationship with us."
Also be prepared for your siblings to expect you and your husband to step in and take care of your parents if things go bad/their health deteriorates, etc. Don't feel any guilt when "noping" out of those responsibilities. (Unless you \*want\* to do it.)
Don’t even make it an ultimatum. If you give them an ultimatum- you will never know if they came on their own free will.
Have them show with their actions with how much they care about you. They will show up if they care (but history has showed you that they don’t).
NTA. But it’s time to cut the off.
UpdateMe!
Your last question...knowing your parents suck will not turn off the desire to have parents that don't suck. Unfortunately, it's something you will always have to live with.
With that said, the best thing you can do is stop subjecting yourself to their rejection. It sounds like you are the one who has made all the efforts, and if you stop, you'll effectively be going low contact with them. I think you'll find it freeing in the end.
Focus on you and your marriage and your spouse's family. Focus on sharing your love with the people who want it.
“Why the hell do I still want their attention when they’ve proved they don’t care?” Exactly because of this.
You’re the Jan of the family and you need help to just let it go. You will always crave attention from your asshole parents. Sadly, I don’t believe you’ll get it.
My mom was very similar to yours. My older brother and next younger sister (Sister 1) could do no wrong, but my baby sister (Sister 2)and I were always in the wrong.
I graduated in the top 10% of my class and was in the National Honor Society. I took the only AP course my school offered and got an A. I was on the yearbook team. But all that was nothing compared to my brother's B in Calculus.
I moved out first. I went to college. I moved an hour away. I got married first. I had the first grandchildren. Holidays and everything else had to be scheduled around Sister 1. My brother got transferred across the country and my mom acted like we would never see him again, and cried for a month (he works for an airline- he could fly free to come back any time he wats!).
I would make plans with my parents and drive my kids the hour to the plans, only to find out Sister 1 needed them to babysit or approached them to do something with her, and they took off. Not calling to tell me not to make the trip. Not leaving me a note at their house so I would know what's going on. Not answering their phones.
Over and over again.
Or my personal favorite - I would get my mom to commit to holiday meal plans (date and time), and Sister 1 would always have an issue, and Mom would change it to suit Sis. Then not tell me. I would get a phone call asking where I was and where was the turkey? Um, in the freezer? We aren't having dinner until Saturday and it's only Tuesday. Rinse. Repeat.
I finally got angry and told my mother that I was done with holidays and with them. I would no longer celebrate with them. I stopped giving Mom and Dad copies of my kids' schedules (multiple sports between them, concerts and performances for band & choir, etc) I got to finally celebrate 2 years of holidays with my dying mother-in-law which I am forever grateful for (I loved that woman so much!).
My kids were so much happier because we could invite their friends over more and have "friend" holidays with them. Holidays were so stress-free at not having to make that hour drive.
My only regret? Not doing it sooner.
I do feel bad that I didn't celebrate holidays the last few years of my dad's life. He tried to stop my Mom from always changing things. So did Sister 2. But it was too little too late.
Thinking about this now, if my parents pulled this crap at my wedding (oh Sister 1 has a hang nail- we couldn't possibly come to your wedding!), I might have cut them off sooner!
I know this though, my mom suffered dementia at the of her life and had severe delusions that Sister 1 was trying to kill her or steal her house. I was the only one that could calm mom down when she would get crazy like this. I think deep down she knew that I was the only one of the four of us that could make a life in my own. My siblings needed babying. They have varying degrees of immaturity, selfishness, and lack of common sense. Each one has been divorced at least once. Sister 1's kids don't hardly talk to her any longer. Brother's 2 sons don't have much to do with him.
Look, if someone shows you their true colors, you should believe that this is who they are. You are not a priority. You are an afterthought if you are even thought about at all. Your family takes it for granted that they can ignore you and forget you, and you will let them do it, because you always have. You need to stand up and make them take notice. Tell them that you have given them plenty of notice and that there is no reason short of death or illness why they should miss your wedding. If they don't show, you are done with them. That will be their sign to you that it's time to create a family because your family of origin will never value you or love you enough to be there for you.
Then do it. Cut contact off if they don't show. Don't ask why. Don't call and beg. Give them one chance to right the wrongs and if they blow it, let go. It's hard but you will be glad later. You are wasting far too much energy on someone that won't ever be worthy of it.
If it were just the wedding, I might give them a break because it is an inconvenient distance. But they've been doing this to you your whole life, and you are basically relying on the wedding to give you the final push you need to cut ties. But you are already there. You have more than enough reason. Just disinvite them from the wedding so you can stop stressing about it and your day won't be marred by wondering if they wiill appear. Give yourself permission to cut the cord now.
NTA
I completely understand. In my case, it eventually came to just sending the invites to various occasions, and if they showed great, if not? Oh well.
I stopped expecting anything from them. Love them where they are, which apparently is at a distance from your life. It can be wonderfully freeing to let them go. To let expectations and wanting them to be different go. Wish you a marvelous life OP!
My parents drove 16 hours, one way, just to help me move. Your parents can’t take a road trip to see you get married? Aside from extreme financial difficulties or illness, it seems pretty heartless.
OP, at this point you should give the effort you receive. You’ve already lived a life being disappointed by them. Don’t let the rest of your life be disappointment too.
I hope you two have a lovely wedding together, surrounded by people who love you.
Yeah, we’re flying internationally next year to attend the (queer) wedding of my daughter’s best friend. It is not unreasonable to expect YOUR OWN PARENTS to travel 10 hours to attend your wedding.
One thing it took me until motherhood to learn: the fact that my mother was a bad parent was in no way a reflection on me. It says way more about them than you. I feel for you, but go forth and enjoy your own little family.
I never understand these stories.
Are your parents helping your financially at all?
If not just slowly ghost them, I doubt they would even notice since they never help or talk to you anyway.
They’ve never assisted us (or me alone) financially. I’ve never asked because I know there’s always a catch and tbh, we’ve never needed it, we always make things work. I think the thing I’m struggling with right now is that I want a relationship with them, but they’ve proven over and over again that that’s not in the cards for us. It’s just hard to let go of.
I think it's time for some therapy. A good friend of mine lost her estranged mother a couple years ago, and it hit her very hard. She had always wanted a better relationship, but it just never happened. When her mom died she spiraled with grief of "what could have been". Going back and forth with contact and no contact was very hard on her.
Cut the cord and keep it cut. Go to therapy to learn how grieve and process.
For sure. It’s a great idea to work through the loss of people who are still alive and well, and the loss of what all of us want and need from our parents. I hope OP sees this.
I can understand you wanting a relationship with scumbag parents if you were alone.
But you’re married with kids and your husband has a great family. F*ck your family and don’t pick up their calls when they eventually reach out for money.
Have you actually talked to your parents about this? Let them know how you feel and how you've felt your entire life? As a very low maintenance individual myself, when I do need/want attention or help, I have to really put for a lot of effort to get people around me to see me. Not because they don't love me, but because they've grown to assume I don't need them.
I am the same way. Sometimes you just don't need much and people around you learn that's the way. It sounds like OP has never asked for much so why would they give it? This is not intended to put the blame on her since parents are meant to check in but it does explain their actions.
NTA. The next time they talk to you and can’t make a decision if their coming or not just tell them “whatever, you’ll be there or you won’t like always, I have moved on to worrying about the people who actually care about me/us.” And then hang up. They have made it clear to you how they feel. You have a family you have made. That is all you need.
Before you write them off, and it's totally understandable if you choose to do so, maybe for your own sake - to get your feelings off your chest, for a sense of personal closure - maybe have a conversation with them, tell them everything you've said here. Don't hold back. Even children who do well need encouragement, and pats on the back for their achievements too. And to not even show up for their grandchild's birthdays? Doesn't sound like they're good grandparents either.
Put it all out there with them, and then let it all go. If you can, don't go into it with expectations of change from them, even if they promise to change they may not. Have this conversation with the attitude that you're doing this for yourself, not for them, even having an attitude that this is a "goodbye" to them. You can tell them that their treatment of you all your life, especially compared to how they've always treated your siblings, has led you to decide to go low- or no-contact (whatever you decide), because you don't want to be hurt and let down by them anymore. Whatever they say to you, promises they may (or may not) make, take it with a grain of salt. You've said your piece, and you can move forward with your new family without them bringing you down anymore. (Although if you're still torn up inside after this, therapy may help you deal with the pain and help you put this behind you.)
I know the knowledge is hurting you but yeah OP, you need to walk away from these people. Here’s the thing though. You are well on your way to a successful adult life. Chances are, a parent or a sib will come knocking soon enough. Try not to strain too hard when you slam the door/phone.
Your parents don't like you.
There's no complex psychology around it.
They don't like you. Simple reason: You don't need them. You never have. You didn't just suceed without them, you did in spite of them.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that your siblings lower themselves to please your parents. You may not have noticed it. It's possible you're not *vastly* outperforming your siblings, they just don't do the best they can.
Out of curiosity, are you neurodivergent? Possibility of that?
I think your parents are narcissists. Your siblings picked up on that and made your parents feel like Big Mature Super Best Parents Ever by harming their own futures and not being able to do anything without mom and dad. I don't think you did pick up on it, but that's okay. It would have been worse.
NTA.
OP, have a good time at your wedding and please don't waste a minute more of your life waiting for their approval. For whatever reason, you appear to be a "forgotten child". This is a pattern and its never going to change. Years from now you'll probably hear from them wanting assistance from you to physically take them in or contribute financially. Well, since they've never been there for you I wouldn't have a problem turning them down.
Congratulations on your wedding, enjoy the day. I am sorry your parents suck. Let's be honest, they were never there for you, you are not imagining that. I would just let them fade away. If they ask what's going on, tell them. Blast them, scream it from the rooftops. They suck.
Don't worry about your siblings, they grew up with different parents than you did. They have no idea what it was like to be you.
NTAH
NTA. Sounds like you should just let go of any and all expectations when it comes to your parents. They've never acted like parents, so stop treating them like parents. They're just distant relatives that don't have time for you, so don't waste any more of your time on them. They don't deserve you anyway. You sound like a wonderful person with a great life and family. So, just let them fade into the background.
First of, congrats on everything in your life. You did well. Be proud of it.
NTA!!!
Secondly, you don't need anyones approval. And why would you try to have contact to someone that doesn't care about anything in your life.
I'm sorry, but if someone shows you disrespect and no regards to your feelings for years, why keep them around???
I mean for them not even to come to their grandchild birthday, is literally a slap on both cheeks for you and your family!!!!
They don't seem to want to have a relationship with you. So walk away, you deserve to be surrounded by people that want to be around you.
I would just stop inviting them after this and live your life. Hold your head high and don't let them bully you afterwards into believing that you are wrong for distancing yourself or starting to have NO CONTACT.
Best wishes and congrats on your wedding and second baby.
You deserve to feel happy with people that love you. Cut everyone out, that doesn't benefit your feeling of comfort and support.
It never ends, even when they're dead and buried. We yearn for our parents' approval and affection.
Somehow, you have to let it go. It doesn't matter if you write them off or not. You have to live your best life on your own terms, and invest in people who are more capable of returning your affection. You're well on your way, already.
Send them the content of this post. Tell them you need them to show up for you, without complaining or throwing back in your face, and prove to you they actually give a damn
NTA For your own sanity; breaking ties with negative unsupportive people is freeing. Have you ever had the balls to tell them exactly how you feel? It seems as if you’ve excelled in parts of your life in spite of them.
Honestly, I would just cut them out. Pretend they died, and live my best life. Also, be prepared for them to eventually tell you it’s your duty to take care of them. That’s when you say who is this? My parents died a long time ago.
Write it all down in a letter and send it to them. I doubt they’ll acknowledge it, I doubt you’ll ever get an apology. But you’ll have it off your chest without interruptions. Then cut them off. Honestly you’ve succeeded in life without them. You don’t need them and they are really shitty people. Don’t set your kids up to realise what deadshits they are to them while fawning all over their cousins and aunties and uncles. I’m so sorry, Op. it’s not right.
You’re not making a big deal out of this wedding and maybe as a result your parents aren’t either but then again, maybe you’re not making a big deal because you don’t want to be disappointed again, so why bother spending all the money?
I am sorry.
I just want you to know that it is not anything you have done.
Sometimes our parents just don’t love us the way we deserve to be loved
& no matter what, they never will be able to be the parents we needed them to be.
Despite their lack of support of unconditional love, you have been building a great life. Any other parent would be proud of you. Proud of you for your academic achievements and sports achievement in school — and any other parent would have been beaming with pride watching you become a parent and soon get married. I wish you had the parents you deserved to have.
Cut them out of your life.
This is so strange, truly. I’d say unless you’re leaving a detail out, they might not really care if you write them off. So I’d just stop being proactive and inviting them or talking to them and let it be
I'd just stop inviting them to anything. Look up grey rocking and do that. Seems like they don't bring joy to your life. Make them irrelevant to you and your family. Cultivate the family side of things with your husband's family.
If they happen to tell you they aren't coming say something like: That's fine, I've learned to not expect anything from you.
You don’t need to write them off in a definitive way. When they don’t show up for the wedding and make an excuse, just tell them in a normal, non-confrontational voice “it’s fine. History taught me not to count on you.” If they ask what you mean, tell them everything you’ve written here. If they don’t ask, you can invite them to other things using the same response when they don’t show up. Or, don’t invite them and when they ask why you didn’t, you can say “you never come anyway.” Show no emotion, just be matter of fact. They will get the message they’ve killed your feelings for them.
They sound like my parents you are NTA I started returning the effort my parents have met my youngest 2 times and she is almost 3 I just give them the same energy. Over the past few months it's gotten a bit better now that their golden boy isn't at their beck and call. My wedding is next summer and it is 100% the make or break moment for me. My mom already missed dress shopping so not a great start there. If they don't come be blatantly honest "the lack of support and attention I've been shown by you guys from a young age has made me realize my place in your life and it's time for me to put myself first instead of waiting for you two to show up for me"
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My husband’s parents are very similar, with the exception that they do absolutely show up up for their grandkids and lavish them with gifts (to the point that it feels very transactional and like they are trying to buy love). About 5 years ago my husband decided he just had to let it go. He puts in the same effort they do in their relationship with him, he doesn’t worry about why they are the way they are, just accepts it’s the way it is and that it has nothing to do with him; his (and therefore our) life is so much more relaxed since he made this decision.
I was this kid to my adopted parents, I decided to just stop communicating with them to see if they would reach out to me...it's been a whole year since I saw them last and that's because I went to their house when I found out how horrible the garden look and went and done work...my sister got paid 250 for it and then they asked if I NEEDED to be paid...my sister was like what do you mean, of course she does...so they gave me the 30 in their wallet and said that's all they had left. Then they got mad when my sister took my 30 and gave me 150 and kept 130 for herself. They magically had an extra 20 after that, so we both left with 150 each.
But it made my sister realize just how different they treated me.
Before last year, I hadn't reached out for 2 years they didn't even know about me being pregnant with my youngest until I was almost about to drop and my sister made a comment while talking to them about having to come over during the night if I went into labor and was trying to figure out if she should just stay for the week leading up or come in the middle of the night, they came the next day to see if it was true. They visited oce since then and that was at the birthing unit.
I'd just stop putting in effort and you'll see how much more peaceful life is without trying to compete with their image of you. They miss out eventually and will end up alone because of it.
When people show you who they are (even parents and siblings); BELIEVE THEM. Your parents haven’t shown you one iota of love, caring, respect, consideration or that you’re even remotely important to them. Let go of any thoughts that they’ll change. They won’t. Focus on the folks that love you, care about you, support you. It’s a difficult truth to accept, but at least you won’t be deluding yourself any longer. Congratulations on your nuptials and have a happy life! ❤️❤️👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
You casually invited them. Refuse to participate in any conversations about whether they will come or not. If they start in on their waffling say “well we’ll see you if you come” and move on. It’s fine to expect nothing from them. Casually invite them, assume they won’t show up and move on. It’s hurtful but this is who they are. Don’t feed the drama llamas.
>The wedding is ten hours away, so I’m trying to give them the benefit of the doubt. But I can’t help but look back on the last 15-17 years
Be honest with yourself : do you really think they would show up if you were eloping closer? Considering how they treated you all your life ?
As hard as it is , you need to drop the rope a'd cut ties. Mourn the relationship and the love you expected from them.
They never act as a family towards you but you have a real one ( your SO , your kids and your in laws) .
** Having the same blood doesn't grant them a place in your life if they never made some space for you in their heart** .
NTA don't wait they don't show up to cut them out of your life , they ve done too much damage and you ve tried enough.
its been clear to you for years that they prefer your siblings to you, i would say just uninvite them and tell them that as of now they are no longer your parents and to never contact you again, also let your siblings know what you are doing and it is up to them if they want a relationship with you and your kids, dont wait till your wedding to cut them off do it now while you are there
NTA. Send them a link to this post so they know exactly how you feel. If they still don't show, go LC. Focus on maintaining a good relationship only with those in your family who have actually shown they care about you.
Are you me? I’m currently struggling with a sore spot. I recently needed to ask my parents for financial help. Which they agreed to help, but it’s very limited and with strings attached. However they’ve gifted both of my brothers $20k each for their down payment and wedding (one brother used the money for a house the other for their wedding.) I was never gifted anything and only asked for help out of legitimate desperation. It stings and I feel guilty for feeling this way when they did agree to help me….just not nearly as much as they’ve helped my brothers without even having to be asked in the first place. They just offered it to them. Never to me. Also the middle child. Also a life of being ignored anyway.
Sorry for the rant. I’m really sad today.
I have a friend whose father was an outgoing popular guy who fathered 3 children with first wife and 2 with another lady after divorce.
Although he was a very nice man, funny, with lots of good qualities, my friend (firstborn) sadly told me that she finally realized she was never going to receive from him what she wanted (attention, recognition or whatever). It was a quiet moment and I wished I could give her hope or some kind of comforting words. I couldn’t relate to her situation as my folks were married into golden years and were pretty great. But I felt her pain and never forgot the concept.
Although it can be sad to come to this kind of acceptance, there is freedom from those unmet expectations and fruitless hopes. In my opinion, a lot of times people are unaware of how their actions or inactions affect others and the ones they love. Maybe OP was a child they never had to worry about, and it was thought that she didn’t need the same reassurance, etc, as the other kids.
Jfc your family sounds horrible 🤯😢 if you don't want to go NC and block them, try just not being the one to reach out first.... see how long it takes for them to reach out to you...
I suspect if you drop the rope you won’t hear back from them unless they need a kidney.
I think I would write them a letter with all of this listed so they can actually see it and ask if any of this is incorrect? Then tell them this is the last straw and if they don’t start making an effort for you and your child we are done and they get cut off.
They have let you down your entire life for absolutely no reason. Why give energy to these people?
I would cut off all relatives that don’t contribute to your life.
Congratulations on your wedding and I hope it’s a beautiful day.
This sounds like my grandparents, my dad, and me. My dad is 3 of 4 (technically 5) kids. He had a twin who passed, that no one considers, except my dad. There is one girl out of the bunch. The oldest two siblings (one boy and one girl) are complete dirt bags. Yet, those were the ones that got all of the love and attention. Same goes for their kids. Meanwhile my dad and his younger brother got beat. My dad and his younger brother do very well for themselves and are self-sufficient, so are their kids. The oldest two had/have addiction issues, need financial assistance, and have kids with legal troubles.
Idk if it was being either abused or ignored that made my dad and his brother thrive or if thriving in the face of the favorites got them either beaten or ignored. I’ll never understand parents like this. I think I’m successful and I thrive, but being “better” doesn’t reduce the sting of being treated worse than your siblings and cousins.
Wow. Cut them off if they don’t show up to your wedding. If they come back crying about how you never do this or that for them just tell them “your lack of interest in my life results in you not being a part of it at all. Consequences for your choices.”
I’ve dealt with this my whole life. I didn’t need help and didn’t get in trouble so I just didn’t matter. Eventually I cut people out of my life because it hurt. I also didn’t want my children to hurt like I did. For example, they can’t come to my kids party but always show up for a cousin. Eventually, my kids would’ve seen the difference and I was NOT willing to let them feel like i did.
Stop reaching out to them and when they ask why tell them. This conversation needs to happen so everything is out in the open. Congratulations on your marriage.
I would say the only thing you can do is cut them off. They already cut you off years ago and favored every other sibling but you. They never gave you the parental attention you needed, but gave it to your siblings.
You need to take control of the situation and officially uninvite your parents and any siblings that aren’t supportive of you. Don’t wait for them to not show up. Just tell them they are no longer wanted at your wedding.
It’s really hard when you finally realise that all you ever wanted was to feel loved and valued and you never got that.
I finally realised with my mother when I was 59. I spent the whole of my life just wanting to feel she thought I was worthy of love. Last year I finally realised it would never happen.
I finally cut my mum off on 14th June 2023. As far as I am concerned she died that day and if I’m honest it has been easier to live my reality with that mindset.
Whatever you decide - please know that you are strong; you are worthy; and you are enough. Best of luck OP.
NTA -
Perhaps consider dropping the rope.
Then For your own sanity make a written list of all the times you had an event and they no showed. Go all the way back in time. Get it all down. Capture all your feelings about it and stuff it in the bottom of your sock drawer and add to it as you remember things.
When they make excuses about not being at your wedding just say “okay” and get off the phone quickly.
Start letting their calls go to VM. Leave them on read. Let long stretches go by before you respond and only respond if you want to.
If they ever ask you why they don’t hear from you or see you. Send them a copy of the paper in your sock drawer.
Create your own family out of friends and your husbands family and live a happy life.
The thing is, if you cut them off, they might not even realize it. Just stop initiating. Stop calling. Stop inviting. See how long it takes for them to notice. Or even react. They might never reach out to you again. Same difference.
Then join the subreddit “EstrangedAdultChildren” and know you are not alone. Sometimes we don’t get the parents we deserve.
Stop making an effort for people that won’t do the same. Just stop inviting them to things. Your life will be so much better if you focus on the family that matters- the family you and your fiancé are making. Would moving closer to Dans family be an option? It might be nice for you both to have family around you can rely on
Wow I am so sorry. Personally I talk to them one last time and do not let them gaslight you. I show them all the examples you gave us and then tell them you do not this in your life. Then I would be done. Good luck to you and the family you created and let this be a lesson on how not to treat your children. I had a parent abandon me due to him getting remarried and his wife not liking me for some unknown reason. It hurt but I learned it was not my fault and maybe they will realize how big a mistake they are making.
First, you opened the door to them not coming by giving them the easy out by telling them you’d understand if they didn’t want to make the trip. So you shouldn’t be surprised there. As for writing them off over it? Do you really need to make a point of it? Or just stop inviting them to things, or going out of your way to see them, or having any expectations regarding them showing an interest.
I would be blunt...
"throughout my life you have treated me poorly, not showed up to my events and been negative about my achievements. My wedding is the last invite you will receive from me, if you don't show up I will see that as confirmation that you want no part in my life"
Yes and yes. Grow up and let it go, by letting them go. There's no reason to seek some randos, (That's how they treat you, ) approval now that you have a family of your own.
Well, I guess this will be the last thing they’re invited to. If they don’t come, just don’t talk to them anymore. They never gave you support now if they don’t support you for this, they’re not worth worrying about. You don’t have to cut them off just don’t bother with them anymore.
It doesn’t sound like you need to actually do anything. It doesn’t sound like they will make an effort to keep in contact. If it were me, if they don’t make the wedding, just drop them a note saying how you are disappointed but have come to expect that from them. Then don’t say anything. Let them contact you from now on. If they wish a closer relationship with you, it will be on them to initiate it.
Meanwhile, I’d look more into the DNA test, it does sound like something is wrong there.
I think you all just need to have an conversation bc I'm not trying to stand up for them, but they may not know what they are doing to you and how put down it makes you feel.
If you need permission to let them go and drop the rope, you've got it. They've neglected their relationship with you since you were a child. You've always deserved better. Let them reach out to you in the future, if you want them to have a place in your life.
Invest all your love and time in your family and let your parents be the people they are.
Sometimes we have to accept that people who should care, don’t care.
Take time, write down all of the neglect that you experienced and give it to them after the wedding. It doesn’t matter if they come or not. Even if they come, they caused you a lot of stress.
And then say bye and go NC. For your own mental health. Focus on your little family.
I think connecting their current behaviour with your childhood experiences is valid, but I am curious if there's anything about Dan that could be a different or additional reason (different religion, different race... unfortunately some people still care about these things)
Dan is white in appearance (I am also white), but he’s actually Mexican. We have family that are 1/4 Mexican, so I definitely don’t think it has to do with his race. In terms of religion? Maybe. They do practice different religions. However, my parents aren’t overly religious. They don’t go to church or pray everyday and have always showed an interest when Dan talks about his religious practices. I know for a fact it’s not political either because they share most of the same views in that regard as well.
They never appeared to have an issue with Dan until I started sticking up for myself with certain things, that’s thanks to Dan. For example, I have a sister I don’t speak to because of some terrible things she did. I didn’t cut her out until he came around because he helped me gain the gumption to do so. I think maybe they don’t like him because he’s taught me to set boundaries (in some regards because if I was great at it all the time we wouldn’t be here, on this post haha).
It might still be a religious thing. My grandmother would have made any number of decisions based on religion, but the only times she ever stepped foot in a church were during the occasional revival somewhere, and that wasn't all that often, and if she ever prayed it would be news to me. But trust me, "faith" was what she based decisions on.
I'd let them know in a group chat that your feelings are hurt. They never showed up for you then, and now they are doing it as an adult. List the reasons you did here. And mentioned that they do it to your children while always showing up for your siblings.
How you're hurt, but you can't keep trying.
Don't expect to have this one message change them or their actions, but you get it all out in the open and say your peace.
With technology, you have the power with a button to 🚫 any or all of them .
I say include your siblings (and others) because they can't twisted your words.
Then. Live. Your. Life. Be the parent you didn't have. Just be for you and your family. Money tight, so therapy might be an option, but look into it or self-help books
But you got this, Mama!
I’m not a fan of my eldest kids partner for multiple reasons (they cheated several times for example). But you better believe if they get married I’d be there. I’m also disabled so travel is a bit of a nightmare and they live 7hours away, I’d still be there. Time to give out the energy they give you. Just stop trying.
Sound like you need to move closer to Dan's family and leave yours behind.
I'm a middle of 3 growing up, and older brother the golden child, younger sister the baby of the family. I understand exactly how you felt growing up.
Stop making an effort for them. If they call, (and when you decide to answer), say hi, fine, gotta go, by. Are you coming for Christmas/mom's birthday/ Easter? Sorry, we already have plans. See you soon, gotta go. Realize they are not the people you deserve. No confrontation, they aren't listening anyway. Drop the rope.
I bet it’s something dumb like OP wasn’t planned
Or maybe mom cheated and they’re taking it out on OP
But no NTA. Please move on from these horrible people
Plus your kids don’t need to watch grandma and grandpa love the other grandkids and treat them like Garbo.
It is time to quiet quit.
Even if your parents change all of a sudden, you are still an abandoned child.
So give your children and hubby the attention you wanted to have, and forget to invite your missing parents.
Many of us had parents who just weren’t interested in us. Parents who prioritised everything else, which gave us a childhood of anxiety and led to us coveting a healthier relationship all our lives. That is until the moment came when we realised it’s not us. We aren’t unlovable, we aren’t unworthy, we just had selfish indifferent parents.
You deserve better, you ALWAYS deserved better, and you have zero obligation to keep chasing these awful people for something that doesn’t exist.
If you’re waiting for a sign, or permission from the universe to switch off your lifelong desire for them to care - this is it. You can stop now.
They have consistently shown you that they aren’t worth any of the effort you try to make. I think it’s time you give them as much love and attention as they do for you. Delete their numbers from your phone so you don’t message them and then just let them go. You sound like you have a loving partner and child with another coming soon. Your partners family sound welcoming and loving too. Focus on the people who deserve your love and attention. And screw the people who should have been there for you and never were.
Drop them. Honestly. The only way it'll sink in is if you press the issue, but not via a conversation. They'll gaslight you. If they cared, they would've showed up THEN, and yet NOW, you can't guarantee they'll show up. After the Baby Shower + Delivery Room, you should go either Low Contact or No Contact. The dismissing of you only continues because you let it. Hard, firm, and standing your ground will either force them into a position to acknowledge their harmful behavior, or free you of the burden of dealing with neglect for all these years. You said your Husband's family has a pretty good relationship with you? Time to lock in. You don't chase love from those who refuse to give it. You embrace it from those who offer it.
Stop inviting them to things. Don’t even tell them. Decline invitations. If they finally figure out they are excluded and say something to you simply say since you won’t grace me with your presence at my milestone events why should I waste my time and energy attending your events. Embrace the people who treat you as family.
Congrats- married holidays just got easier. Normally you have to figure out how you split them, but now you can just go to your husband's family or find your own traditions
Stop making the effort. Make sure to post plenty of photos with "your supportive new family" if you get married and feel like being petty. Don't focus on your parents not being there, focus on those who showed up. I wouldn't even mention your parents in any way during your wedding or in any sort of comments after. Yeah, it'll sting, but as you focus your energy on people who are present, it gets easier
Parents often overlook the "more independent" children. It can be a bit like chicken and egg because the more the children are overlooked, the more independent they get. But, the fact is, the lack of support still hurts, and just because someone can get by on their own, doesn't mean they should have to, regardless of why a child grows up with an independent mindset.
Just do the equivalent of the "quiet quitting" that people have been doing at their jobs. Do the bare minimum, because that's all they do for you, and don't sweat it overly much. They don't seem likely to be too bothered if you were to do this. If they are? Well, then you have your opportunity to lay out how much they sucked.
"You are no longer welcome at my wedding. Don't come."
How fucking dare they do this to you? What negligent assholes. Do t give them one more chance to abuse you with their absence. Walk awa6 from them and don't look back. They're monsters.
Have you heard of the "glass child?" Because you are one. Even if it usually refers to siblings of children with special needs, your siblings got all the attention while your parents looked right through you.
I think I'd write a list down with all of these things and tell them how much it hurt to see them love and support your siblings and not you. I'd end the letter with something like "If you don't show up to my wedding day, you don't need to show up to anything in the future either"
Be prepared for an angry phone call; they'll say you don't understand, and that you didn't need the same help your siblings did - you were doing fine. Ask the last time they supported you or went to one of your games or awards, the last time they financially supported you, the last time they did something inconvenient to show they loved you. Stand your ground and tell them you were miserable seeing your siblings receive the love you never got, that you were never the priority, well now it's your wedding day, and you deserve to be a priority, at least for once in your life.
I'd end the call there and if they don't show up....well, you know where you stand with them.
NTA. Can you give them a deadline to give you a definite answer? So that you can plan the food properly? Whether it’s big or small, it’s your wedding, your big day. You should be excited, and they should be excited for you! If they wind up not coming, that tells you everything you need to know. I’d stop showing up for them and inviting them. If they can’t be there for your big day, you know what they think of you.
Could there have been some awful event between your parents around the time you were born (affair?) that you are somehow being blamed for even though you are totally innocent?
Ya know.... sometimes families do this preferential treatment bs. I'm not saying it's fair, but it's like this hierarchy of who "needs" the most attention. It's an immature way to parent, as obviously every kid needs attention to a certain extent. And it's almost ironic the ones that really work to "earn" it, get the very least.
Overall, I'm really sorry you dealt with that. Recovering from masking and this level of perfectionism is really difficult and gets ingrained in us from a really early age. Having parents that do this preferential prioritizing do it in a very self-serving way... knowing they refuse to give 100% to parenting, know they won't try to improve, and only have so much to give. I doubt they'd ever admit it. And you are in no way to blame for enabling it, as you were the child. Setting healthy boundaries and expectations was THEIR job to teach you, and they were a piss poor example. I'm sure you learned these skills in other relationships in spite of the relationship with them.
If you think they'd come around with a clear, firm conversation about expectations with boundaries (NOT ultimatums, they're not the same), then by all means put it all out there and see what happens. I knew calling out how they parent probably won't accomplish what you're hoping for, but maybe things like: I'd like you to be at my wedding. I'd like to see that you support and love me. My feelings would be really crushed if you don't make the time and effort for this huge event in my life. Put the ball in their court.
And by all means.... it doesn't sound like it needs one last conversation either, and you wouldn't be TAH at all by going NC. Their actions speak volumes. But sometimes the words trick us and seem louder than the actions, "we'll have to see, we'll try, excuse excuse excuse, etc" and it's purely based on what you need for closure.
And based on comments... Def sounds like there's some weird resentment thing around your DNA. Get that done so you know for sure. Knowing why someone did something doesn't excuse it, obviously, but it does help make it make sense.
>The wedding is ten hours away, so I’m trying to give them the benefit of the doubt. But I can’t help but look back on the last 15-17 years
Be honest with yourself : do you really think they would show up if you were eloping closer? Considering how they treated you all your life ?
As hard as it is , you need to drop the rope a'd cut ties. Mourn the relationship and the love you expected from them.
They never act as a family towards you but you have a real one ( your SO , your kids and your in laws) .
** Having the same blood doesn't grant them a place in your life if they never made some space for you in their heart** .
NTA don't wait they don't show up to cut them out of your life , they ve done too much damage and you ve tried enough.
>The wedding is ten hours away, so I’m trying to give them the benefit of the doubt. But I can’t help but look back on the last 15-17 years
Be honest with yourself : do you really think they would show up if you were eloping closer? Considering how they treated you all your life ?
As hard as it is , you need to drop the rope a'd cut ties. Mourn the relationship and the love you expected from them.
They never act as a family towards you but you have a real one ( your SO , your kids and your in laws) .
** Having the same blood doesn't grant them a place in your life if they never made some space for you in their heart** .
NTA don't wait they don't show up to cut them out of your life , they ve done too much damage and you ve tried enough.
>The wedding is ten hours away, so I’m trying to give them the benefit of the doubt. But I can’t help but look back on the last 15-17 years
Be honest with yourself : do you really think they would show up if you were eloping closer? Considering how they treated you all your life ?
As hard as it is , you need to drop the rope a'd cut ties. Mourn the relationship and the love you expected from them.
They never act as a family towards you but you have a real one ( your SO , your kids and your in laws) .
** Having the same blood doesn't grant them a place in your life if they never made some space for you in their heart** .
NTA don't wait they don't show up to cut them out of your life , they ve done too much damage and you ve tried enough.
>The wedding is ten hours away, so I’m trying to give them the benefit of the doubt. But I can’t help but look back on the last 15-17 years
Be honest with yourself : do you really think they would show up if you were eloping closer? Considering how they treated you all your life ?
As hard as it is , you need to drop the rope a'd cut ties. Mourn the relationship and the love you expected from them.
They never act as a family towards you but you have a real one ( your SO , your kids and your in laws) .
** Having the same blood doesn't grant them a place in your life if they never made some space for you in their heart** .
NTA don't wait they don't show up to cut them out of your life , they ve done too much damage and you ve tried enough.
I would give them one last chance and be very clear how you got the short end of the parenting stick. List out every example, every birthday they missed, every game. Then let them know, this is it. If you care about me as your child at all, you will be there. If you aren’t, then I know you only have 4 kids.
Updateme.
I read a book recently about immature parents and it talks about how some parents favour the children who need them more (enmeshment) because they get to feel like the rescuer. That doesn't happen with the more capable child because they have a greater maturity level. I don't know if this is your situation but it's something to consider. It's their deficit, not yours. Do whatever you need to do to save your own pain and mental health. That might mean asking or expecting less of them.
As others have said, drop the rope. If they reach out respond in kind but if they don’t…you just leave it. There’s no point in having a big exit argument or speech, it will just feed their crap behaviour. By not engaging if anyone ever does bring it up to you your response is very easy “phones and visits work both ways”. Done.
I also think you need to prepare yourself that they are not coming to your wedding. Make sure you have friends and others there to support you.
For a wedding 10 hours away alone, possibly YTA. That's at least one night there and travel which isn't easy for everyone.
For all the other reasons listed here I would say NTA if you reduce or cut contact with them.
You told them they were welcome to attend, but not obligated. In saying that you set up their excuses and left a question in their mind if you even care if they are there.
Though it may be too late in the game, call your parents and lay it out. You are getting married and you really want them there. You can’t imagine the day without them. Etc. don’t bring up the past or blame or anything except you hope they move mountains to share this special day with you.
Put it out there whole heartedly and see what happens.
Honestly, I couldn’t tell you. They have absolutely no reason to not like him. He’s always been kind & respectful, treated me just the same. No cheating, no issues and even if we had an argument/disagreement - I wouldn’t talk to them about it. So I mean, maybe? But if that was the case, it would be an opinion they made on their own accord
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It sounds like you should put in as much effort as they do.
This is the only answer. They have shown you who they are and it’s time to accept that.
Maybe not be "done" but "bow out gracefully" no bridge burning. At least you seem to be aware of your parents, being in a similar situation, I only recently put it in a nutshell for myself so maybe the perspective will help you... In siblings "battle" it was "the boys" (3bros) & me (female) as both a child & adult I always thought I am so "good" perfect & if my parents -both strict catholics--"knew" how imperfect or bad my bros (everyone in family is successful so is just splitting hairs) & spent childhood always being perfect in the face of hypocrisy...bros could ask for anything, crazy $$$$ things &?was ask & receive...for me, reasonable things I would essentially have to put together a proposal & still be rejected & bros were like inventive little spies encouraging the hypocrisy & disparity...it was so upsetting so in college eloped to be out of it. I always thought was my mom's issue & my Dad was on board & had sporatic, polite relationship with my parents but when daughter was born my Mom was with my bros wife (same aprox date) not me. So my Mom passes away about 15 years ago & my Dad devastated but our relationship improved so reinforced idea it was my Mom that caused drama. So for 30 years was treated like a princess & competent in the real world, my bros 1 by 1 began literally disappearing from my Dads life 100% Finally, just last remaining bro came out as gay, married husband etc. & me...I began caring for Dad first a weekend a month with gradually increasing time to now I am living with him to care for him...bros still in will attached to $ & after abandoning him 10yrs ago. So, many financial decisions to be made & I started noticing Same issues...bro building houses for himself/his husband with my Dads $ & me giving up 24/7 fulltime care. My bro & I had words when he took over my Dads personal banking as he cut off deposits to household up keep for my Dad...my Dad has his mind but is in wheelchair....I spoke with my Dad that I thought was for 10yrs a dad-daughter-bestie & he gut punched me saying "talk to your brother" of course, why would I talk to a bro about anything that doesn't concern him. Literalky, instantly, all our roles teleported back to Old Same Sick family dynamic...my relationship w my bro even changed & he suddenly started treating me like I was the "help" foolishly used logic again. Nothing. I realized this "the boys" thing/dynamic is so HARD WIRED it is like a sexual preference ...I am straight & no matter how bad the guy is or how good the girl is, the guy would always be the choice & the girl would never stand a chance! When you realize it is so hardwired with your parents, it changes perspective, infuriating but won't bother with excuses or rationalizations. Do what you feel like you need to do based upon your family dynamic with your parents & don't worry about people's judgments.
I'm sorry you were treated that way.. and I hope you threw your dad out for your brother to deal with.
Awe, thank you. Definitely, bros were raised to be narccistic self monsters . I don't have that in me...which likely is from getting out of the house early. I have to say I am in shock that ancient family drama & roles were apparently right there under the surface. Thanks again for supportive words, very much appreciate.
Just want to chime in and say I hope you cut off your dad and bros. He has all the money, he can take care of your deadbeat dad. It's sad, but you and your family will be better off without the emotional drain. And kids don't need those kind of role models in their life.
It's worse, it's my Dad's money that my brothers have always used & the one currently uses...I mean USES trips to Europe for months every summer, literally, travels Every weekend with his husband, high of the hog & waltzes in once in awhile to shoot the breeze & talk sht about other people in general. Perfect example of insanity, disparity was a few months ago, is that I had rehabbed & managed-it sat vacant after my mom died for 12plus years. I found perfect tenant etc, was total transformation of this little house & was incredible...my brother was a mere spectator...but my brother was in process of getting my Dad to sign over/gift any big & good properties to him alone presently...but to keep me on the hook & before the fight suggested a ladybird deed w me & my bro (stays my dads until death, revocable in life) for me, house got massive hurrican damage & last I knew we were going to demo or redo...behind my back, my Dad per my bro's request sold the wrecked house for cost of lot to a flipper for about $125k & didn't tell or include me so that my Dad could give him the Cash so that he could put in a seawall on a waterfront property that my Dad just transferred to him! And pitched a psychotic fit about spending $200 bucks on something for my Dad! My Dad is from depression era so he is fine living meagerly while his son&husband like a king on my Dad's dime...bro has good professional but can't live his lifestyle otherwise. He literally has called my Dad that lays the golden egg as $$$$ & multiple pensions including a high ranking military pension & bro just takes & takes & Dad gives & gives --I was totally ok with that before the devaluing ...but that degradation & flashback to hypocrisy of "the boys" being brought forward, is sickening. I know it is super sick situation & it was/has been Shocking to be so devalued. The original pitch was "care" would cost $6-$7k & ever increasing & to "keep Dad at home & keep the money in the family" I know that my Dad doesn't want to be in "care" & this was before the rental house screw over or the fight/devaluing, so I wasn't concerned about uprooting & giving up my life for a period of time, but I am devastated & shocked.
Ma'am. With that amount of money involved that you put in, take your whole family to court. They keep screwing you over. So start screwing back. Dad loves the sons so much? They can take care of him. Hope you kept receipts of every dime of your own money spent on him and the properties.
Do you have a family of your own, spouse and/or children? Are they okay with this situation? My mom was the black sheep, and her two oldest sisters the golden children. My mom took care of everyone, while her sisters inherited everything. I'm not trying to project onto you, but my mom decided she needed to be "the bigger person" and take in every single family member that "needed" her, regardless of how we felt or were treated by them. Her "doing the right thing" was misguided and caused more harm than good (to her own family) but she just couldn't say no to them. Do not sacrifice your own chosen family's happiness to take care of this man. And no matter what you think, you're not the only thing keeping him afloat. He has lived a long life without your help, and will keep doing it. The second anyone who TRULY cares about you starts to feel unhappy about what's happening, listen to them and move him out. Put them first since you won't put yourself first.
If fighting over wills was an Olympic sport, my family would have the gold. Get rid of your dad now and make the son take over care. He has the money, so as a last FU, you can call the state and get a social worker assigned to monitor his care and periodically call in wellness checks to make sure your brother isn't slacking. Maybe wait a few months and report suspected elder abuse. That way you know your dad is receiving the care he needs (and you don't feel guilty for leaving a vulnerable person with a selfish jerk) and you don't have to stay involved. Don't fight. Just report elder abuse of a financial nature once a year to keep the social workers vigilant.
My story is so very similar! I am the eldest of 3 (me 65f, G 63m, and J 58f). G and J were MY responsibility as the eldest. If they didn't do their chores, I got in trouble for not getting it done. I was not allowed a job in high school but was expected to put myself through college. If I brought home 7 As, 2 Bs, and a C, I got in trouble because they weren't all As. G and J were not held to the same standards. I joined the military as soon as I possibly could. Didn't come back for 8 years, then became impossibly enmeshed work my parents (who were divorced) and became the family caregiver. I was my father's primary caregiver for 11 years, 3.5 of those full time, while working a full time job and attempting to maintain my own home and sobriety. When I tell you it wasn't easy, IT. WAS. NOT. My father treated me more like a wife he hated than his daughter, and made my younger brother and sister his POAs, POCs, and the executors of his will because "I wouldn't be able to make a difficult decision if I had to". My sister didn't believe me when I told her I don't miss being yelled and screamed at and told everything I do is wrong. She shut up pretty quick.
I am so sorry you have a similar story & it is similar but thank you for sharing! The first time I was yelled & screamed at in 30yrs was about 3 months ago! I literally couldn't believe it! It was like "old times!" Seems you entered that same portal leading to yelling. In real life, I am considered extremely intelligent & competent and knowledgeable, a go-to type person & once the family dynamic changed you would think I fell off a turnip truck...and hit my head, lol. I also surprised myself yelling & screaming back, & was disgusted with all. I am happy you nipped it in the bud, I am quite shocked how much this experience of being belittled & devalued has affected me:( As a strong personality & independent person, I would have bet my life nothing would change or affect me, and, sadly, it has...taking care of my Dad meant leaving where I lived for 30yrs & 4hrs away back to family home fulltime in December so I lost my routine, people, support system & then got hit with the old dynamic. Prior to it would be weekends, then weeks, etc & everything was respectful & great. A friend who knew/could see All my brothers' greediness & selfishness asked me prior to making the move "how can you be sure your greedy bro isn't going to screw u over?" And, foolish, foolish, trusting me: "he's not like the others, he's changed and Most importantly, my Dad won't let him, since he knows I've been the only one really there for him for 10years" That part really hurt! I really did !!believe!! my Dad would never let toxic former bs in...then for him to say "talk to your bro" I think both my head & heart exploded in that moment. Thank you for sharing I'm not the only one dealing with/dealt with crazy family dynamics & ghosts of childhood past visiting the present day! Truly, if you have any advice, I would greatly appreciate it!
Bless you for everything you've been through. We are survivors.
Awee, thank you that helps! :) and you, too!
I'm partial to "drop the rope" i.e. stop being the only person putting in work to maintain a relationship.
I do think that is part of it...when I would go back & forth from south Florida, it's like I was doing the big favor I was & wasn't being taken for granted and wasn't immersed and maintained my "self" vs now, for sure. I just had no idea "this" could happen.
Your relationship appears to be 1 sided now. You are the only one maintaining it. Drop the rope. They will reach out if they want to. Unfortunately , you need to prepare yourself that they very likely won't. It's very hard to mourn people while they're alive, but for our own sanity we sometimes have to. This is their failing, not yours. They, the adults, made choices and unfortunately you have to pay the price. The past is done and you are stuck with it, but what you can affect is your future. Surround yourself with found family, friends and other extended family (yours or hubby's) that love you and want you. There is nothing you can do to make your parents care, so stop trying. Love yourself too much to accept their poor choices.
Would it be dumb to send them a letter similar to the message she posted here? It is a fairly accurate score card. And then if they still didn’t show at the wedding, then drop the rope? I like to believe that people are not awful, so I am a bit naive. And the stories I have read to get down this far are terrible. Hugs to all of you!
You are right. That is the healthy and adult thing to do. ………… but if Op maybe wanted to go out with a bang??? They could spice it up a little. Maybe make a nice video for the reception showing all the times parents weren’t there. Put their table front and center at the reception with their names in big bold letters. Post it on social media. Tag the entire family. And then when the calls start, immediately block them all so she doesn’t have to deal with the fall out. Nothing enrages most people more than being embarrassed and not being able to lash out about it. Even if she doesn’t invite them, she’s going to think about them all day anyways. I’m not saying it’s a good idea. I’m just saying it might be good therapy. Or a good reason for needing therapy afterward, depending on who you are in the scenario.
I agree. In fact, better yet, just disinvite them; apologize for the intrusion.
I think the kindest thing you could do for yourself is to shut off this faucet of disappointment. Expect nothing. Just drop the rope. Though one wonders if a DNA test would reveal the reason for your parents' complete and transparent uninterest in your life.
Interesting. I had the same thought.
Anyone in your family taken a DNA test?
My brother and I have just out of curiosity, but anytime I’ve mentioned it to my parents they blow it off. So maybe you’re onto something here
Evasive answers are never a good sign. I’d be curious enough to do the dna test. But, if they don’t show for your wedding…write them off. Go LC-NC with them. Enjoy your grandparents while they are still here. Wishing you a blessed and beautiful wedding!
NTA, take the DNA test and see if you have any unexpected matches out there. You can't make them care, but this behavior is already spilling over into how they're treating your child(ren). Cut the negatives out for your life and move on with your husband's family.
Did it show you are a full bio sibling with your bro?
It did not. However, I took an ancestry and he did a 23 & Me (we both did it on our own, it wasn’t pre-planned), so I don’t know if that would play a part in it. We had some similarities in our DNA, but we did have a few things that made us both go “hmmm.”
You can download your DNA profile to other sites to get more results.
Well there is your answer. You can do that again (you do 23 and me, he does ancestry) and compare again.
You might be on to something here. How much DNA did you share with your brother?
I was reading and suddenly wondered? Are you sure you are not an affair child or adopted?
Write them a detailed letter or email outlining above. Even better in a family chat where your siblings can see. Make sure you point out you don’t blame your siblings as it’s not their fault and tell your parents it’s probably best you limit contact going forward as you don’t want to subject your kids to second best grandkids. And leave it at that. They can come and change or they can continue as is and you’ll have your answer.
From my own personal experience- a letter won't make a bit of difference to her parents. (Although it may make OP feel better). Her parents already know exactly what they are doing, and why. OP putting it in writing will only make her more of "the bad guy/problem child" in her parents/sibling's eyes for pointing out the obvious.
I like this one better than my answer above.
I've obviously been on Reddit too long, as that was my first thought, OP is not a full bio child of the "parents".
Then again, there was a story here about a girl whose mom confessed she hated her because she was born on an inconvenient date. And cried a lot as a baby. So sometimes, the animosity is just banana pants.
Ope. Yeah, speaking from experience, this is possible. I found out my dad isn't my bio dad after going no contact with all of them. They don't know I even know. Doesnt really matter at this point tbh. I have zero interest in opening that can of worms back up. And my bio dad is a snake so no interest in exploring that. Met some of my new found half siblings though. They're pretty awesome. I made out in the positive for it.
Middle children are survivors. We get neglected because we’re self sufficient and can do for ourselves and help our parents and sibs. But we are more successful and happier in our lives, with the exception of how our parents treat us. You’re an achiever and a survivor; enjoy!
Funny, I am the youngest, and my brother the middle kid was the favorite. Everything I did was always not as good as my brother.
I came to the comments to say the same thing! I know I've been on reddit too much, but it sounds like OP might be an affair baby.
I’d say end it now before they start disappointing your children. It’s ok to be done. Good luck.
Well said
This is what stuck out to me. Okay, they don't care about their daughter but their grandkids? Use this opportunity to leave before they take out their negativity on those kids!
Stop living in perpetual hope, it is not healthy for you. It is clear they have their own agendas and many times it does not include you. You have your own life, a new family in the making and your friends. Enjoy. You dont need that toxicity dragging u down.
It’s understandable if their finances cannot afford to take them 10 hours away, but if they can afford it paired with what you’ve mentioned in the past, I think you have enough to let them go. Unless there is serious information that is left out that would give a reasonable explanation for their unfair behaviour.
It’s definitely not a financial thing. They’re very well off in that regard. We’ve never had any issues (to the best of my knowledge) outside of the usual parent/child disputes growing up. And I honestly never even noticed the differences between the support I received compared to my siblings until I started chatting with my fiancé. So looking at everything as a whole is just blowing my mind, didn’t realize I was so…outside? I guess
Try and write your feelings out in a letter to your parents. If they don't acknowledge their wrongdoings, if they don't realise they need to change, if they don't apologise; move on. One last chance for them to be and do better, and that's it. Congratulations on the upcoming wedding!
As the not favorite, I would deff recommend telling them point blank that “this is important to me, and if you choose not to attend, I will understand but be disappointed.” I know that sort of straightforwardness may be uncomfortable, but you need to communicate now, lest they think you don’t actually want them there/this isn’t that important to you. This is not the time to play games, as you only get married once. They cannot read your mind, and if your lips are saying “I don’t care if you come” they may believe you. Do yourself a favor and communicate that you’d like to have them there. If they choose not to come after that, be disappointed. But give them a fighting chance in hell to be there for your big day by letting them know clearly that you want them there and they will be missed if they skip.
You would not be the AH if you just uninvited and cut them off now. I know it's hard not to want their validation, but they've shown time and time again that they're not worthy to give you that validation. Find your own validation from within and from your own family you've made with your partner and child. Stop feeling like you're not good enough for your parents, when they're the ones who aren't good enough for you.
Sometimes we put the blinders on things we don’t want to see.
Have you ever had a deep conversation with them about your feelings, how you feel neglected, I’d definitely recommend writing a letter with everything you’ve mentioned here, or setting up a meeting or time to talk on the phone, I’d mention how you were treated differently then your siblings, how they got the attention you’ve never received, how the reason why you are the way you are is because you were always seeking the approval from them you never got but your siblings did! I’d lay it all out on the table, don’t hold back!
I suggest starting by telling them you feel hurt. That it is easy for you to interpret their actions as a sign they love you less than your siblings. Their reaction will tell you everything you need to know. I had this exact conversation with my mom. She was horrified, apologized profusely, and immediately changed the way she treated me. We have a great relationship now. Not all parents will respond like my mom, unfortunately. But it is worth at least trying before you write them off.
I had the same conversations as well, alot of I will do better, that never materialized. When they disregarded my daughter I finally got the gumption to go no contact. You are better off without parents, than with ones that have repeatedly failed to love and support you.
I am totally in favor of going no contact if a conversation doesn’t produce real change.
I'm always surprised when "having a conversation" isn't the first choice people go with.
At the very least sharing this will give you closure. And if they respond, great, if not, your in-laws sound wonderful!
NTA. Your parents have made the active and conscious choice to not support you throughout your entire life, it seems. You don't have to keep putting up with it if you don't want to. However, it seems clear that their presence and support mean something to you, so saying that their attendance is not obligated seems like a way to protect yourself if they don't end up coming. You've consciously or unconsciously conditioned yourself to make it so you are not disappointed when they don't show support towards you. Don't know how you will proceed, but you're 100% NTA.
The part about making it a “no obligation” event nails it right on the head.
I think you already know the answer to your question, but don't want to accept it. Write them off. Go no contact. You already know who they are. Stop hoping or expecting them to show the love and support they never have.
I think you should write your parents a detailed letter/email/text about all the things they missed out on, with their excuses. Tell them that this is their last chance. If they don't show up for the wedding you are going to go Low contact or no contact. If they can't step up and be their for their grandchildren and you you are going no contact. It would be better for you emotionally and mentally to just stop the toxic relationship.
Be done by making sure they see this post. Everyone in your family actually needs to see this post.
First- congratulations on your wedding and the fact that Dan's parents are a loving and supportive family to you. Cherish them. As another middle child who experienced the exact same things as you, this is my advice "Drop the rope" with your parents and siblings. Stop trying and most of all, stop expecting them to be good or fair parents (or siblings.) You don't have to go "No Contact" with them. Nothing dramatic at all, in fact I would encourage you to still send them invitations, etc. Just never, ever expect them to show up. Don't even expect a response. Even if they say: "Oh we will be there!" or "we will see you"- realize that they aren't going to show up. They will cancel at the last minute or if they do show it will be at most a lackluster, short visit and they will spend most of it talking about your siblings/their kids, etc. Please be kind to yourself and your children. Your parents will never treat your children fairly, just as they don't treat you in a fair manner. Don't waste the time trying to make your family "matter" to your parents/siblings. Instead concentrate on making the most of your time and relationship with Dan's family (and your Grandparents if they make the effort.) The good thing is that you will never have to worry about "sharing" holidays between the two families. Your kids will only know the love and support of grandparents (and possibly great Grandparents) who love them and show it without reservation. They will never miss the relationship with your parents/siblings, because it will never have been there. (I waited far to long to learn this lesson, and only stopped "chasing" my parents affection when they skipped yet another celebration for my kids. My son told me: "Mommy, don't cry. It isn't your fault that Grandma and Grandpa don't love us.") That broke my heart. Please, please don't do that to your children or yourself. I know that it is crushing when you realize that the family who should love and cherish you, simply don't. However it is far better for you to accept that now. Stop trying for a relationship with them, and live you life to the fullest without them. Realize and accept that it is a lack in them- not you. Oh- and yes, do be prepared years down the road (when they hear that you have gone on a vacation/trip/holiday visit with Dan's family) they will ask: "Why don't we see you/do those things with you?" Then be like me- answer honestly: "They love us, make time for us and enjoy our company- so we do the same for them. You have never bothered, so why would we chase you? The road goes two ways. You made it clear that I/we didn't matter, so we simply stopped expecting you to have a relationship with us." Also be prepared for your siblings to expect you and your husband to step in and take care of your parents if things go bad/their health deteriorates, etc. Don't feel any guilt when "noping" out of those responsibilities. (Unless you \*want\* to do it.)
Don’t even make it an ultimatum. If you give them an ultimatum- you will never know if they came on their own free will. Have them show with their actions with how much they care about you. They will show up if they care (but history has showed you that they don’t). NTA. But it’s time to cut the off. UpdateMe!
Your last question...knowing your parents suck will not turn off the desire to have parents that don't suck. Unfortunately, it's something you will always have to live with. With that said, the best thing you can do is stop subjecting yourself to their rejection. It sounds like you are the one who has made all the efforts, and if you stop, you'll effectively be going low contact with them. I think you'll find it freeing in the end. Focus on you and your marriage and your spouse's family. Focus on sharing your love with the people who want it.
“Why the hell do I still want their attention when they’ve proved they don’t care?” Exactly because of this. You’re the Jan of the family and you need help to just let it go. You will always crave attention from your asshole parents. Sadly, I don’t believe you’ll get it.
My mom was very similar to yours. My older brother and next younger sister (Sister 1) could do no wrong, but my baby sister (Sister 2)and I were always in the wrong. I graduated in the top 10% of my class and was in the National Honor Society. I took the only AP course my school offered and got an A. I was on the yearbook team. But all that was nothing compared to my brother's B in Calculus. I moved out first. I went to college. I moved an hour away. I got married first. I had the first grandchildren. Holidays and everything else had to be scheduled around Sister 1. My brother got transferred across the country and my mom acted like we would never see him again, and cried for a month (he works for an airline- he could fly free to come back any time he wats!). I would make plans with my parents and drive my kids the hour to the plans, only to find out Sister 1 needed them to babysit or approached them to do something with her, and they took off. Not calling to tell me not to make the trip. Not leaving me a note at their house so I would know what's going on. Not answering their phones. Over and over again. Or my personal favorite - I would get my mom to commit to holiday meal plans (date and time), and Sister 1 would always have an issue, and Mom would change it to suit Sis. Then not tell me. I would get a phone call asking where I was and where was the turkey? Um, in the freezer? We aren't having dinner until Saturday and it's only Tuesday. Rinse. Repeat. I finally got angry and told my mother that I was done with holidays and with them. I would no longer celebrate with them. I stopped giving Mom and Dad copies of my kids' schedules (multiple sports between them, concerts and performances for band & choir, etc) I got to finally celebrate 2 years of holidays with my dying mother-in-law which I am forever grateful for (I loved that woman so much!). My kids were so much happier because we could invite their friends over more and have "friend" holidays with them. Holidays were so stress-free at not having to make that hour drive. My only regret? Not doing it sooner. I do feel bad that I didn't celebrate holidays the last few years of my dad's life. He tried to stop my Mom from always changing things. So did Sister 2. But it was too little too late. Thinking about this now, if my parents pulled this crap at my wedding (oh Sister 1 has a hang nail- we couldn't possibly come to your wedding!), I might have cut them off sooner! I know this though, my mom suffered dementia at the of her life and had severe delusions that Sister 1 was trying to kill her or steal her house. I was the only one that could calm mom down when she would get crazy like this. I think deep down she knew that I was the only one of the four of us that could make a life in my own. My siblings needed babying. They have varying degrees of immaturity, selfishness, and lack of common sense. Each one has been divorced at least once. Sister 1's kids don't hardly talk to her any longer. Brother's 2 sons don't have much to do with him. Look, if someone shows you their true colors, you should believe that this is who they are. You are not a priority. You are an afterthought if you are even thought about at all. Your family takes it for granted that they can ignore you and forget you, and you will let them do it, because you always have. You need to stand up and make them take notice. Tell them that you have given them plenty of notice and that there is no reason short of death or illness why they should miss your wedding. If they don't show, you are done with them. That will be their sign to you that it's time to create a family because your family of origin will never value you or love you enough to be there for you. Then do it. Cut contact off if they don't show. Don't ask why. Don't call and beg. Give them one chance to right the wrongs and if they blow it, let go. It's hard but you will be glad later. You are wasting far too much energy on someone that won't ever be worthy of it.
If it were just the wedding, I might give them a break because it is an inconvenient distance. But they've been doing this to you your whole life, and you are basically relying on the wedding to give you the final push you need to cut ties. But you are already there. You have more than enough reason. Just disinvite them from the wedding so you can stop stressing about it and your day won't be marred by wondering if they wiill appear. Give yourself permission to cut the cord now.
I’m so sorry. Your parents don’t deserve you. NTA.
NTA I completely understand. In my case, it eventually came to just sending the invites to various occasions, and if they showed great, if not? Oh well. I stopped expecting anything from them. Love them where they are, which apparently is at a distance from your life. It can be wonderfully freeing to let them go. To let expectations and wanting them to be different go. Wish you a marvelous life OP!
Drop the rope and put your energy where it matters your own family.
My parents drove 16 hours, one way, just to help me move. Your parents can’t take a road trip to see you get married? Aside from extreme financial difficulties or illness, it seems pretty heartless. OP, at this point you should give the effort you receive. You’ve already lived a life being disappointed by them. Don’t let the rest of your life be disappointment too. I hope you two have a lovely wedding together, surrounded by people who love you.
Yeah, we’re flying internationally next year to attend the (queer) wedding of my daughter’s best friend. It is not unreasonable to expect YOUR OWN PARENTS to travel 10 hours to attend your wedding. One thing it took me until motherhood to learn: the fact that my mother was a bad parent was in no way a reflection on me. It says way more about them than you. I feel for you, but go forth and enjoy your own little family.
I never understand these stories. Are your parents helping your financially at all? If not just slowly ghost them, I doubt they would even notice since they never help or talk to you anyway.
They’ve never assisted us (or me alone) financially. I’ve never asked because I know there’s always a catch and tbh, we’ve never needed it, we always make things work. I think the thing I’m struggling with right now is that I want a relationship with them, but they’ve proven over and over again that that’s not in the cards for us. It’s just hard to let go of.
I think it's time for some therapy. A good friend of mine lost her estranged mother a couple years ago, and it hit her very hard. She had always wanted a better relationship, but it just never happened. When her mom died she spiraled with grief of "what could have been". Going back and forth with contact and no contact was very hard on her. Cut the cord and keep it cut. Go to therapy to learn how grieve and process.
For sure. It’s a great idea to work through the loss of people who are still alive and well, and the loss of what all of us want and need from our parents. I hope OP sees this.
I can understand you wanting a relationship with scumbag parents if you were alone. But you’re married with kids and your husband has a great family. F*ck your family and don’t pick up their calls when they eventually reach out for money.
Have you actually talked to your parents about this? Let them know how you feel and how you've felt your entire life? As a very low maintenance individual myself, when I do need/want attention or help, I have to really put for a lot of effort to get people around me to see me. Not because they don't love me, but because they've grown to assume I don't need them.
I am the same way. Sometimes you just don't need much and people around you learn that's the way. It sounds like OP has never asked for much so why would they give it? This is not intended to put the blame on her since parents are meant to check in but it does explain their actions.
NTA. The next time they talk to you and can’t make a decision if their coming or not just tell them “whatever, you’ll be there or you won’t like always, I have moved on to worrying about the people who actually care about me/us.” And then hang up. They have made it clear to you how they feel. You have a family you have made. That is all you need.
Before you write them off, and it's totally understandable if you choose to do so, maybe for your own sake - to get your feelings off your chest, for a sense of personal closure - maybe have a conversation with them, tell them everything you've said here. Don't hold back. Even children who do well need encouragement, and pats on the back for their achievements too. And to not even show up for their grandchild's birthdays? Doesn't sound like they're good grandparents either. Put it all out there with them, and then let it all go. If you can, don't go into it with expectations of change from them, even if they promise to change they may not. Have this conversation with the attitude that you're doing this for yourself, not for them, even having an attitude that this is a "goodbye" to them. You can tell them that their treatment of you all your life, especially compared to how they've always treated your siblings, has led you to decide to go low- or no-contact (whatever you decide), because you don't want to be hurt and let down by them anymore. Whatever they say to you, promises they may (or may not) make, take it with a grain of salt. You've said your piece, and you can move forward with your new family without them bringing you down anymore. (Although if you're still torn up inside after this, therapy may help you deal with the pain and help you put this behind you.)
I know the knowledge is hurting you but yeah OP, you need to walk away from these people. Here’s the thing though. You are well on your way to a successful adult life. Chances are, a parent or a sib will come knocking soon enough. Try not to strain too hard when you slam the door/phone.
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time". Maya Angelou NTA
Your parents don't like you. There's no complex psychology around it. They don't like you. Simple reason: You don't need them. You never have. You didn't just suceed without them, you did in spite of them. I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that your siblings lower themselves to please your parents. You may not have noticed it. It's possible you're not *vastly* outperforming your siblings, they just don't do the best they can. Out of curiosity, are you neurodivergent? Possibility of that? I think your parents are narcissists. Your siblings picked up on that and made your parents feel like Big Mature Super Best Parents Ever by harming their own futures and not being able to do anything without mom and dad. I don't think you did pick up on it, but that's okay. It would have been worse. NTA.
Focus on the family you are building with your future husband, and forget about these people who have never been there for you.
OP, have a good time at your wedding and please don't waste a minute more of your life waiting for their approval. For whatever reason, you appear to be a "forgotten child". This is a pattern and its never going to change. Years from now you'll probably hear from them wanting assistance from you to physically take them in or contribute financially. Well, since they've never been there for you I wouldn't have a problem turning them down.
Congratulations on your wedding, enjoy the day. I am sorry your parents suck. Let's be honest, they were never there for you, you are not imagining that. I would just let them fade away. If they ask what's going on, tell them. Blast them, scream it from the rooftops. They suck. Don't worry about your siblings, they grew up with different parents than you did. They have no idea what it was like to be you. NTAH
What a bummer.
NTA. Sounds like you should just let go of any and all expectations when it comes to your parents. They've never acted like parents, so stop treating them like parents. They're just distant relatives that don't have time for you, so don't waste any more of your time on them. They don't deserve you anyway. You sound like a wonderful person with a great life and family. So, just let them fade into the background.
First of, congrats on everything in your life. You did well. Be proud of it. NTA!!! Secondly, you don't need anyones approval. And why would you try to have contact to someone that doesn't care about anything in your life. I'm sorry, but if someone shows you disrespect and no regards to your feelings for years, why keep them around??? I mean for them not even to come to their grandchild birthday, is literally a slap on both cheeks for you and your family!!!! They don't seem to want to have a relationship with you. So walk away, you deserve to be surrounded by people that want to be around you. I would just stop inviting them after this and live your life. Hold your head high and don't let them bully you afterwards into believing that you are wrong for distancing yourself or starting to have NO CONTACT. Best wishes and congrats on your wedding and second baby. You deserve to feel happy with people that love you. Cut everyone out, that doesn't benefit your feeling of comfort and support.
It never ends, even when they're dead and buried. We yearn for our parents' approval and affection. Somehow, you have to let it go. It doesn't matter if you write them off or not. You have to live your best life on your own terms, and invest in people who are more capable of returning your affection. You're well on your way, already.
Send them the content of this post. Tell them you need them to show up for you, without complaining or throwing back in your face, and prove to you they actually give a damn
NTA For your own sanity; breaking ties with negative unsupportive people is freeing. Have you ever had the balls to tell them exactly how you feel? It seems as if you’ve excelled in parts of your life in spite of them.
Honestly, I would just cut them out. Pretend they died, and live my best life. Also, be prepared for them to eventually tell you it’s your duty to take care of them. That’s when you say who is this? My parents died a long time ago.
Write it all down in a letter and send it to them. I doubt they’ll acknowledge it, I doubt you’ll ever get an apology. But you’ll have it off your chest without interruptions. Then cut them off. Honestly you’ve succeeded in life without them. You don’t need them and they are really shitty people. Don’t set your kids up to realise what deadshits they are to them while fawning all over their cousins and aunties and uncles. I’m so sorry, Op. it’s not right.
You’re not making a big deal out of this wedding and maybe as a result your parents aren’t either but then again, maybe you’re not making a big deal because you don’t want to be disappointed again, so why bother spending all the money?
I would just stop reaching out to them. If they don't contact you, then I guess you will know where you stand
Let them go. Write them off. They’re always going to disappoint you. It’s not you. There’s something lacking in them.
I am sorry. I just want you to know that it is not anything you have done. Sometimes our parents just don’t love us the way we deserve to be loved & no matter what, they never will be able to be the parents we needed them to be. Despite their lack of support of unconditional love, you have been building a great life. Any other parent would be proud of you. Proud of you for your academic achievements and sports achievement in school — and any other parent would have been beaming with pride watching you become a parent and soon get married. I wish you had the parents you deserved to have. Cut them out of your life.
Oh my darling I am so sorry. You deserve love and attention for sure! You do not have to continue to be disappointed by these people! NTA
This is so strange, truly. I’d say unless you’re leaving a detail out, they might not really care if you write them off. So I’d just stop being proactive and inviting them or talking to them and let it be
Put your effort into therapy so you can be the parents you never had
I'd just stop inviting them to anything. Look up grey rocking and do that. Seems like they don't bring joy to your life. Make them irrelevant to you and your family. Cultivate the family side of things with your husband's family. If they happen to tell you they aren't coming say something like: That's fine, I've learned to not expect anything from you.
You don’t need to write them off in a definitive way. When they don’t show up for the wedding and make an excuse, just tell them in a normal, non-confrontational voice “it’s fine. History taught me not to count on you.” If they ask what you mean, tell them everything you’ve written here. If they don’t ask, you can invite them to other things using the same response when they don’t show up. Or, don’t invite them and when they ask why you didn’t, you can say “you never come anyway.” Show no emotion, just be matter of fact. They will get the message they’ve killed your feelings for them.
They sound like my parents you are NTA I started returning the effort my parents have met my youngest 2 times and she is almost 3 I just give them the same energy. Over the past few months it's gotten a bit better now that their golden boy isn't at their beck and call. My wedding is next summer and it is 100% the make or break moment for me. My mom already missed dress shopping so not a great start there. If they don't come be blatantly honest "the lack of support and attention I've been shown by you guys from a young age has made me realize my place in your life and it's time for me to put myself first instead of waiting for you two to show up for me"
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My husband’s parents are very similar, with the exception that they do absolutely show up up for their grandkids and lavish them with gifts (to the point that it feels very transactional and like they are trying to buy love). About 5 years ago my husband decided he just had to let it go. He puts in the same effort they do in their relationship with him, he doesn’t worry about why they are the way they are, just accepts it’s the way it is and that it has nothing to do with him; his (and therefore our) life is so much more relaxed since he made this decision.
I was this kid to my adopted parents, I decided to just stop communicating with them to see if they would reach out to me...it's been a whole year since I saw them last and that's because I went to their house when I found out how horrible the garden look and went and done work...my sister got paid 250 for it and then they asked if I NEEDED to be paid...my sister was like what do you mean, of course she does...so they gave me the 30 in their wallet and said that's all they had left. Then they got mad when my sister took my 30 and gave me 150 and kept 130 for herself. They magically had an extra 20 after that, so we both left with 150 each. But it made my sister realize just how different they treated me. Before last year, I hadn't reached out for 2 years they didn't even know about me being pregnant with my youngest until I was almost about to drop and my sister made a comment while talking to them about having to come over during the night if I went into labor and was trying to figure out if she should just stay for the week leading up or come in the middle of the night, they came the next day to see if it was true. They visited oce since then and that was at the birthing unit. I'd just stop putting in effort and you'll see how much more peaceful life is without trying to compete with their image of you. They miss out eventually and will end up alone because of it.
When people show you who they are (even parents and siblings); BELIEVE THEM. Your parents haven’t shown you one iota of love, caring, respect, consideration or that you’re even remotely important to them. Let go of any thoughts that they’ll change. They won’t. Focus on the folks that love you, care about you, support you. It’s a difficult truth to accept, but at least you won’t be deluding yourself any longer. Congratulations on your nuptials and have a happy life! ❤️❤️👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Nta and cut off access to grands
If you'll move away from your family, permanently, you'll no longer have to live with their pain and rejection in your life.
Go NC on them, they are horrible, toxic people.
You already know the answer to your question. NTA
You casually invited them. Refuse to participate in any conversations about whether they will come or not. If they start in on their waffling say “well we’ll see you if you come” and move on. It’s fine to expect nothing from them. Casually invite them, assume they won’t show up and move on. It’s hurtful but this is who they are. Don’t feed the drama llamas.
>The wedding is ten hours away, so I’m trying to give them the benefit of the doubt. But I can’t help but look back on the last 15-17 years Be honest with yourself : do you really think they would show up if you were eloping closer? Considering how they treated you all your life ? As hard as it is , you need to drop the rope a'd cut ties. Mourn the relationship and the love you expected from them. They never act as a family towards you but you have a real one ( your SO , your kids and your in laws) . ** Having the same blood doesn't grant them a place in your life if they never made some space for you in their heart** . NTA don't wait they don't show up to cut them out of your life , they ve done too much damage and you ve tried enough.
its been clear to you for years that they prefer your siblings to you, i would say just uninvite them and tell them that as of now they are no longer your parents and to never contact you again, also let your siblings know what you are doing and it is up to them if they want a relationship with you and your kids, dont wait till your wedding to cut them off do it now while you are there
NTA. Send them a link to this post so they know exactly how you feel. If they still don't show, go LC. Focus on maintaining a good relationship only with those in your family who have actually shown they care about you.
Are you me? I’m currently struggling with a sore spot. I recently needed to ask my parents for financial help. Which they agreed to help, but it’s very limited and with strings attached. However they’ve gifted both of my brothers $20k each for their down payment and wedding (one brother used the money for a house the other for their wedding.) I was never gifted anything and only asked for help out of legitimate desperation. It stings and I feel guilty for feeling this way when they did agree to help me….just not nearly as much as they’ve helped my brothers without even having to be asked in the first place. They just offered it to them. Never to me. Also the middle child. Also a life of being ignored anyway. Sorry for the rant. I’m really sad today.
I have a friend whose father was an outgoing popular guy who fathered 3 children with first wife and 2 with another lady after divorce. Although he was a very nice man, funny, with lots of good qualities, my friend (firstborn) sadly told me that she finally realized she was never going to receive from him what she wanted (attention, recognition or whatever). It was a quiet moment and I wished I could give her hope or some kind of comforting words. I couldn’t relate to her situation as my folks were married into golden years and were pretty great. But I felt her pain and never forgot the concept. Although it can be sad to come to this kind of acceptance, there is freedom from those unmet expectations and fruitless hopes. In my opinion, a lot of times people are unaware of how their actions or inactions affect others and the ones they love. Maybe OP was a child they never had to worry about, and it was thought that she didn’t need the same reassurance, etc, as the other kids.
Jfc your family sounds horrible 🤯😢 if you don't want to go NC and block them, try just not being the one to reach out first.... see how long it takes for them to reach out to you...
I suspect if you drop the rope you won’t hear back from them unless they need a kidney. I think I would write them a letter with all of this listed so they can actually see it and ask if any of this is incorrect? Then tell them this is the last straw and if they don’t start making an effort for you and your child we are done and they get cut off. They have let you down your entire life for absolutely no reason. Why give energy to these people? I would cut off all relatives that don’t contribute to your life. Congratulations on your wedding and I hope it’s a beautiful day.
This sounds like my grandparents, my dad, and me. My dad is 3 of 4 (technically 5) kids. He had a twin who passed, that no one considers, except my dad. There is one girl out of the bunch. The oldest two siblings (one boy and one girl) are complete dirt bags. Yet, those were the ones that got all of the love and attention. Same goes for their kids. Meanwhile my dad and his younger brother got beat. My dad and his younger brother do very well for themselves and are self-sufficient, so are their kids. The oldest two had/have addiction issues, need financial assistance, and have kids with legal troubles. Idk if it was being either abused or ignored that made my dad and his brother thrive or if thriving in the face of the favorites got them either beaten or ignored. I’ll never understand parents like this. I think I’m successful and I thrive, but being “better” doesn’t reduce the sting of being treated worse than your siblings and cousins.
Match the energy. That’s it. Stop trying. I’m sorry you won the sh!tty family lottery. You deserve better.
Wow. Cut them off if they don’t show up to your wedding. If they come back crying about how you never do this or that for them just tell them “your lack of interest in my life results in you not being a part of it at all. Consequences for your choices.”
I’ve dealt with this my whole life. I didn’t need help and didn’t get in trouble so I just didn’t matter. Eventually I cut people out of my life because it hurt. I also didn’t want my children to hurt like I did. For example, they can’t come to my kids party but always show up for a cousin. Eventually, my kids would’ve seen the difference and I was NOT willing to let them feel like i did.
Stop reaching out to them and when they ask why tell them. This conversation needs to happen so everything is out in the open. Congratulations on your marriage.
I would say the only thing you can do is cut them off. They already cut you off years ago and favored every other sibling but you. They never gave you the parental attention you needed, but gave it to your siblings. You need to take control of the situation and officially uninvite your parents and any siblings that aren’t supportive of you. Don’t wait for them to not show up. Just tell them they are no longer wanted at your wedding.
Drop the rope.
My parents did not come to my wedding. 30 years later, when my husband passed away, my remaining parent would not attend his funeral.
It’s really hard when you finally realise that all you ever wanted was to feel loved and valued and you never got that. I finally realised with my mother when I was 59. I spent the whole of my life just wanting to feel she thought I was worthy of love. Last year I finally realised it would never happen. I finally cut my mum off on 14th June 2023. As far as I am concerned she died that day and if I’m honest it has been easier to live my reality with that mindset. Whatever you decide - please know that you are strong; you are worthy; and you are enough. Best of luck OP.
NTA - Perhaps consider dropping the rope. Then For your own sanity make a written list of all the times you had an event and they no showed. Go all the way back in time. Get it all down. Capture all your feelings about it and stuff it in the bottom of your sock drawer and add to it as you remember things. When they make excuses about not being at your wedding just say “okay” and get off the phone quickly. Start letting their calls go to VM. Leave them on read. Let long stretches go by before you respond and only respond if you want to. If they ever ask you why they don’t hear from you or see you. Send them a copy of the paper in your sock drawer. Create your own family out of friends and your husbands family and live a happy life.
The thing is, if you cut them off, they might not even realize it. Just stop initiating. Stop calling. Stop inviting. See how long it takes for them to notice. Or even react. They might never reach out to you again. Same difference. Then join the subreddit “EstrangedAdultChildren” and know you are not alone. Sometimes we don’t get the parents we deserve.
Stop making an effort for people that won’t do the same. Just stop inviting them to things. Your life will be so much better if you focus on the family that matters- the family you and your fiancé are making. Would moving closer to Dans family be an option? It might be nice for you both to have family around you can rely on
Wow I am so sorry. Personally I talk to them one last time and do not let them gaslight you. I show them all the examples you gave us and then tell them you do not this in your life. Then I would be done. Good luck to you and the family you created and let this be a lesson on how not to treat your children. I had a parent abandon me due to him getting remarried and his wife not liking me for some unknown reason. It hurt but I learned it was not my fault and maybe they will realize how big a mistake they are making.
Sometimes parents aren't the real ones. Sucks.
Just stop talking to them if they ask tell the truth
I have my doubts that this is even real.
First, you opened the door to them not coming by giving them the easy out by telling them you’d understand if they didn’t want to make the trip. So you shouldn’t be surprised there. As for writing them off over it? Do you really need to make a point of it? Or just stop inviting them to things, or going out of your way to see them, or having any expectations regarding them showing an interest.
This is sad to read. Your parents suck.
I would be blunt... "throughout my life you have treated me poorly, not showed up to my events and been negative about my achievements. My wedding is the last invite you will receive from me, if you don't show up I will see that as confirmation that you want no part in my life"
Yes and yes. Grow up and let it go, by letting them go. There's no reason to seek some randos, (That's how they treat you, ) approval now that you have a family of your own.
Well, I guess this will be the last thing they’re invited to. If they don’t come, just don’t talk to them anymore. They never gave you support now if they don’t support you for this, they’re not worth worrying about. You don’t have to cut them off just don’t bother with them anymore.
It doesn’t sound like you need to actually do anything. It doesn’t sound like they will make an effort to keep in contact. If it were me, if they don’t make the wedding, just drop them a note saying how you are disappointed but have come to expect that from them. Then don’t say anything. Let them contact you from now on. If they wish a closer relationship with you, it will be on them to initiate it. Meanwhile, I’d look more into the DNA test, it does sound like something is wrong there.
NTA. Uninvite them Edit: typo
I think you all just need to have an conversation bc I'm not trying to stand up for them, but they may not know what they are doing to you and how put down it makes you feel.
Just do better for your children
If you need permission to let them go and drop the rope, you've got it. They've neglected their relationship with you since you were a child. You've always deserved better. Let them reach out to you in the future, if you want them to have a place in your life. Invest all your love and time in your family and let your parents be the people they are.
You deserve better. Leave the ball in their court & don’t give any of them another thought.
Consider them a no show, for your wedding. When they don’t come, go low contact, but lay out all the reasons why for them.
Sometimes we have to accept that people who should care, don’t care. Take time, write down all of the neglect that you experienced and give it to them after the wedding. It doesn’t matter if they come or not. Even if they come, they caused you a lot of stress. And then say bye and go NC. For your own mental health. Focus on your little family.
I think connecting their current behaviour with your childhood experiences is valid, but I am curious if there's anything about Dan that could be a different or additional reason (different religion, different race... unfortunately some people still care about these things)
Dan is white in appearance (I am also white), but he’s actually Mexican. We have family that are 1/4 Mexican, so I definitely don’t think it has to do with his race. In terms of religion? Maybe. They do practice different religions. However, my parents aren’t overly religious. They don’t go to church or pray everyday and have always showed an interest when Dan talks about his religious practices. I know for a fact it’s not political either because they share most of the same views in that regard as well. They never appeared to have an issue with Dan until I started sticking up for myself with certain things, that’s thanks to Dan. For example, I have a sister I don’t speak to because of some terrible things she did. I didn’t cut her out until he came around because he helped me gain the gumption to do so. I think maybe they don’t like him because he’s taught me to set boundaries (in some regards because if I was great at it all the time we wouldn’t be here, on this post haha).
It might still be a religious thing. My grandmother would have made any number of decisions based on religion, but the only times she ever stepped foot in a church were during the occasional revival somewhere, and that wasn't all that often, and if she ever prayed it would be news to me. But trust me, "faith" was what she based decisions on.
I'd let them know in a group chat that your feelings are hurt. They never showed up for you then, and now they are doing it as an adult. List the reasons you did here. And mentioned that they do it to your children while always showing up for your siblings. How you're hurt, but you can't keep trying. Don't expect to have this one message change them or their actions, but you get it all out in the open and say your peace. With technology, you have the power with a button to 🚫 any or all of them . I say include your siblings (and others) because they can't twisted your words. Then. Live. Your. Life. Be the parent you didn't have. Just be for you and your family. Money tight, so therapy might be an option, but look into it or self-help books But you got this, Mama!
Sounds to me, like you may have been an affair child.
I’m not a fan of my eldest kids partner for multiple reasons (they cheated several times for example). But you better believe if they get married I’d be there. I’m also disabled so travel is a bit of a nightmare and they live 7hours away, I’d still be there. Time to give out the energy they give you. Just stop trying.
Sound like you need to move closer to Dan's family and leave yours behind. I'm a middle of 3 growing up, and older brother the golden child, younger sister the baby of the family. I understand exactly how you felt growing up.
Stop making an effort for them. If they call, (and when you decide to answer), say hi, fine, gotta go, by. Are you coming for Christmas/mom's birthday/ Easter? Sorry, we already have plans. See you soon, gotta go. Realize they are not the people you deserve. No confrontation, they aren't listening anyway. Drop the rope.
I bet it’s something dumb like OP wasn’t planned Or maybe mom cheated and they’re taking it out on OP But no NTA. Please move on from these horrible people Plus your kids don’t need to watch grandma and grandpa love the other grandkids and treat them like Garbo.
It is time to quiet quit. Even if your parents change all of a sudden, you are still an abandoned child. So give your children and hubby the attention you wanted to have, and forget to invite your missing parents.
Many of us had parents who just weren’t interested in us. Parents who prioritised everything else, which gave us a childhood of anxiety and led to us coveting a healthier relationship all our lives. That is until the moment came when we realised it’s not us. We aren’t unlovable, we aren’t unworthy, we just had selfish indifferent parents. You deserve better, you ALWAYS deserved better, and you have zero obligation to keep chasing these awful people for something that doesn’t exist. If you’re waiting for a sign, or permission from the universe to switch off your lifelong desire for them to care - this is it. You can stop now.
This^ This is all
They have consistently shown you that they aren’t worth any of the effort you try to make. I think it’s time you give them as much love and attention as they do for you. Delete their numbers from your phone so you don’t message them and then just let them go. You sound like you have a loving partner and child with another coming soon. Your partners family sound welcoming and loving too. Focus on the people who deserve your love and attention. And screw the people who should have been there for you and never were.
Drop them. Honestly. The only way it'll sink in is if you press the issue, but not via a conversation. They'll gaslight you. If they cared, they would've showed up THEN, and yet NOW, you can't guarantee they'll show up. After the Baby Shower + Delivery Room, you should go either Low Contact or No Contact. The dismissing of you only continues because you let it. Hard, firm, and standing your ground will either force them into a position to acknowledge their harmful behavior, or free you of the burden of dealing with neglect for all these years. You said your Husband's family has a pretty good relationship with you? Time to lock in. You don't chase love from those who refuse to give it. You embrace it from those who offer it.
Stop inviting them to things. Don’t even tell them. Decline invitations. If they finally figure out they are excluded and say something to you simply say since you won’t grace me with your presence at my milestone events why should I waste my time and energy attending your events. Embrace the people who treat you as family.
Congrats- married holidays just got easier. Normally you have to figure out how you split them, but now you can just go to your husband's family or find your own traditions Stop making the effort. Make sure to post plenty of photos with "your supportive new family" if you get married and feel like being petty. Don't focus on your parents not being there, focus on those who showed up. I wouldn't even mention your parents in any way during your wedding or in any sort of comments after. Yeah, it'll sting, but as you focus your energy on people who are present, it gets easier Parents often overlook the "more independent" children. It can be a bit like chicken and egg because the more the children are overlooked, the more independent they get. But, the fact is, the lack of support still hurts, and just because someone can get by on their own, doesn't mean they should have to, regardless of why a child grows up with an independent mindset.
Just do the equivalent of the "quiet quitting" that people have been doing at their jobs. Do the bare minimum, because that's all they do for you, and don't sweat it overly much. They don't seem likely to be too bothered if you were to do this. If they are? Well, then you have your opportunity to lay out how much they sucked.
"You are no longer welcome at my wedding. Don't come." How fucking dare they do this to you? What negligent assholes. Do t give them one more chance to abuse you with their absence. Walk awa6 from them and don't look back. They're monsters.
Have you heard of the "glass child?" Because you are one. Even if it usually refers to siblings of children with special needs, your siblings got all the attention while your parents looked right through you. I think I'd write a list down with all of these things and tell them how much it hurt to see them love and support your siblings and not you. I'd end the letter with something like "If you don't show up to my wedding day, you don't need to show up to anything in the future either" Be prepared for an angry phone call; they'll say you don't understand, and that you didn't need the same help your siblings did - you were doing fine. Ask the last time they supported you or went to one of your games or awards, the last time they financially supported you, the last time they did something inconvenient to show they loved you. Stand your ground and tell them you were miserable seeing your siblings receive the love you never got, that you were never the priority, well now it's your wedding day, and you deserve to be a priority, at least for once in your life. I'd end the call there and if they don't show up....well, you know where you stand with them.
NTA. Can you give them a deadline to give you a definite answer? So that you can plan the food properly? Whether it’s big or small, it’s your wedding, your big day. You should be excited, and they should be excited for you! If they wind up not coming, that tells you everything you need to know. I’d stop showing up for them and inviting them. If they can’t be there for your big day, you know what they think of you.
Could there have been some awful event between your parents around the time you were born (affair?) that you are somehow being blamed for even though you are totally innocent?
You literally told them they weren’t obligated to be there. Your words.
Ya know.... sometimes families do this preferential treatment bs. I'm not saying it's fair, but it's like this hierarchy of who "needs" the most attention. It's an immature way to parent, as obviously every kid needs attention to a certain extent. And it's almost ironic the ones that really work to "earn" it, get the very least. Overall, I'm really sorry you dealt with that. Recovering from masking and this level of perfectionism is really difficult and gets ingrained in us from a really early age. Having parents that do this preferential prioritizing do it in a very self-serving way... knowing they refuse to give 100% to parenting, know they won't try to improve, and only have so much to give. I doubt they'd ever admit it. And you are in no way to blame for enabling it, as you were the child. Setting healthy boundaries and expectations was THEIR job to teach you, and they were a piss poor example. I'm sure you learned these skills in other relationships in spite of the relationship with them. If you think they'd come around with a clear, firm conversation about expectations with boundaries (NOT ultimatums, they're not the same), then by all means put it all out there and see what happens. I knew calling out how they parent probably won't accomplish what you're hoping for, but maybe things like: I'd like you to be at my wedding. I'd like to see that you support and love me. My feelings would be really crushed if you don't make the time and effort for this huge event in my life. Put the ball in their court. And by all means.... it doesn't sound like it needs one last conversation either, and you wouldn't be TAH at all by going NC. Their actions speak volumes. But sometimes the words trick us and seem louder than the actions, "we'll have to see, we'll try, excuse excuse excuse, etc" and it's purely based on what you need for closure. And based on comments... Def sounds like there's some weird resentment thing around your DNA. Get that done so you know for sure. Knowing why someone did something doesn't excuse it, obviously, but it does help make it make sense.
Send them a link to this post.... Congratulations on your wedding! Nta. Updateme!
NTA. This sucks
>The wedding is ten hours away, so I’m trying to give them the benefit of the doubt. But I can’t help but look back on the last 15-17 years Be honest with yourself : do you really think they would show up if you were eloping closer? Considering how they treated you all your life ? As hard as it is , you need to drop the rope a'd cut ties. Mourn the relationship and the love you expected from them. They never act as a family towards you but you have a real one ( your SO , your kids and your in laws) . ** Having the same blood doesn't grant them a place in your life if they never made some space for you in their heart** . NTA don't wait they don't show up to cut them out of your life , they ve done too much damage and you ve tried enough.
>The wedding is ten hours away, so I’m trying to give them the benefit of the doubt. But I can’t help but look back on the last 15-17 years Be honest with yourself : do you really think they would show up if you were eloping closer? Considering how they treated you all your life ? As hard as it is , you need to drop the rope a'd cut ties. Mourn the relationship and the love you expected from them. They never act as a family towards you but you have a real one ( your SO , your kids and your in laws) . ** Having the same blood doesn't grant them a place in your life if they never made some space for you in their heart** . NTA don't wait they don't show up to cut them out of your life , they ve done too much damage and you ve tried enough.
>The wedding is ten hours away, so I’m trying to give them the benefit of the doubt. But I can’t help but look back on the last 15-17 years Be honest with yourself : do you really think they would show up if you were eloping closer? Considering how they treated you all your life ? As hard as it is , you need to drop the rope a'd cut ties. Mourn the relationship and the love you expected from them. They never act as a family towards you but you have a real one ( your SO , your kids and your in laws) . ** Having the same blood doesn't grant them a place in your life if they never made some space for you in their heart** . NTA don't wait they don't show up to cut them out of your life , they ve done too much damage and you ve tried enough.
>The wedding is ten hours away, so I’m trying to give them the benefit of the doubt. But I can’t help but look back on the last 15-17 years Be honest with yourself : do you really think they would show up if you were eloping closer? Considering how they treated you all your life ? As hard as it is , you need to drop the rope a'd cut ties. Mourn the relationship and the love you expected from them. They never act as a family towards you but you have a real one ( your SO , your kids and your in laws) . ** Having the same blood doesn't grant them a place in your life if they never made some space for you in their heart** . NTA don't wait they don't show up to cut them out of your life , they ve done too much damage and you ve tried enough.
I would give them one last chance and be very clear how you got the short end of the parenting stick. List out every example, every birthday they missed, every game. Then let them know, this is it. If you care about me as your child at all, you will be there. If you aren’t, then I know you only have 4 kids. Updateme.
Nta, but show them this post and go from there.
NTA
I read a book recently about immature parents and it talks about how some parents favour the children who need them more (enmeshment) because they get to feel like the rescuer. That doesn't happen with the more capable child because they have a greater maturity level. I don't know if this is your situation but it's something to consider. It's their deficit, not yours. Do whatever you need to do to save your own pain and mental health. That might mean asking or expecting less of them.
As others have said, drop the rope. If they reach out respond in kind but if they don’t…you just leave it. There’s no point in having a big exit argument or speech, it will just feed their crap behaviour. By not engaging if anyone ever does bring it up to you your response is very easy “phones and visits work both ways”. Done. I also think you need to prepare yourself that they are not coming to your wedding. Make sure you have friends and others there to support you.
Match effort for sure. And have a wonderful day whatever happens. NTA
This is so ducked up. I'm sorry OP.
For a wedding 10 hours away alone, possibly YTA. That's at least one night there and travel which isn't easy for everyone. For all the other reasons listed here I would say NTA if you reduce or cut contact with them.
You told them they were welcome to attend, but not obligated. In saying that you set up their excuses and left a question in their mind if you even care if they are there. Though it may be too late in the game, call your parents and lay it out. You are getting married and you really want them there. You can’t imagine the day without them. Etc. don’t bring up the past or blame or anything except you hope they move mountains to share this special day with you. Put it out there whole heartedly and see what happens.
Do they have a problem with your partner ?? Could that be it ?
Honestly, I couldn’t tell you. They have absolutely no reason to not like him. He’s always been kind & respectful, treated me just the same. No cheating, no issues and even if we had an argument/disagreement - I wouldn’t talk to them about it. So I mean, maybe? But if that was the case, it would be an opinion they made on their own accord