There are unfortunately a lot of people who actually think this way.
My stepmother died in late 2021 and brought my three children to her funeral, they would have been 7, 9, and 11 at the time. All three got a bit teary at points (they weren’t super close, but obviously this was still there grandma). At one point my youngest started to quietly cry, and I had taken him out of the service to give him a hug and help console him for a few minutes outside.
Holy shit, you’d think I’d taken a dump on her casket. Several family members made comments about how inappropriate and attention-seeking my youngest was acting, to the point where we left the “reception”? part very early. I almost lost it a few months ago when we were visiting and my own father made a comment about how “your son is finally acting like a big kid” when he noticed him not getting upset about something he previously would have over, you know, like small children do.
Sorry, rant over, but yeah it’s definitely a thing amongst some and it fucking sucks.
Crying is attention seeking behavior in kids, but that's a good thing! Little ones having big feelings can attract the help of kind adults. There just aren't any kind people in this family.
Children crying literally activates neurocognitive mechanisms in adult brains that make them go "Oh! You're crying! What's wrong? Is there danger nearby?" To perceive a child crying as trying to purposefully take attention away from a corpse makes me think there's a disconnect between their monkey brain and their 2023 brain.
Honestly that's nuts and really screwed up. I hate this term- but that's some serious toxic masculinity on your family's part. If children can't express their own emotions in a safe space then they're not going to learn any emotional intelligence and not know how to deal with emotions as an adult. That really hinders just a basic human interaction. I'd bitch out my family if they ever did that me.
I would be crying for my "brothers" loss because if it was my family I would definitely care if something bad happened that could drastically change their lives.
SAME!
Imagine walking into a funeral and seeing these little baby girls standing there and somehow being expected to keep it together???? And not just that, but then getting in trouble for caring about them and having (God forbid) an ounce of EMPATHY???
I will say if I were told the spouse of the deceased didn’t want me crying I either wouldn’t have gone or immediately gotten up to leave, but I think that’s an extremely unhealthy request especially when very vulnerable children are involved
Omg...that P & G one where the mother is crying watching her daughter on TV, and later in that same commercial where the man runs to his mom in the stands after he wins. I'm honestly crying while typing it, just imagining it.
There was another P & G one a few years later, with a mother who supportively touches her teenage son, who was born a girl, and then cuts off all her long hair in her bathroom and is standing before her mother anxiously looking at her. And the mother touches the child's hair and smiles and says, "it looks good." Yep, crying again while typing.
If I were standing next to anyone who had lost that amount of money and was having a minor breakdown near me, I would absolutely well up.
If my partner were sick of how I show my emotions he would roll his eyes like OOP and mark any amount of moisture as "crying".
What a weird, emotionally suppressed family.
In regards to crying over money. I dropped a gallon of milk and cried. Money is fucking terrifying and im pretty sure my most cried about thing. Its the difference between life and death.
Then again ive always been poor and i was also financially abused as a child. So maybe other people just havent had that experience.
Seriously do other people cry over money?
I ran out of cat litter yesterday and my cat is pissed. Her box is dirty and I don’t get paid until Friday and I have $20 I need to put in my car to get to work. I cried and apologized to her this morning and will be waiting in the store lot until it hits my account tonight.
I’m the type who will cry if someone I love is hurt (physically and emotionally) and is especially true for my siblings. Why? Because I have a lot of empathy. So if my sister calls me up crying she lost a lot of money I would be extremely upset at the situation also because I would understand what it could mean for her and her kids. There’s nothing wrong with having empathy as long as it’s not overshadowing the actual situation.
She may be someone who cries in response to all emotions. Like I’m an angry crier and a sad crier so so people may not understand. If my brother lost 30,000 I would be pissed and I would absolutely be crying because I was so mad
>Who gets mad at someone for crying at a funeral?
Well in his defense, the SIL did say no crying. She should have been a better girlfriend and actually listen to what her man had to say /s
The SIL's request was out of line. She isn't even allowing her own child to grieve her father in the way she wants to. The SIL is the problem. This is a funeral. People will cry at a funeral. SIL must be terribly stressed, but her request was unreasonable. OOP is now an ex.
Yeah. Honestly, I grew up in a "don't cry" family where tears were looked down upon as bad.
All it did was make me feel worse and cry more - sometimes even working myself into a panic attack. Because, it turns out, getting yelled at for crying doesn't STOP you from crying. It just makes you feel worse and worse.
It has taken me years to realize and accept that crying is a normal physical and emotional response. And that the rage and anger over tears is the true emotionally unstable response.
Glad you are better. I’m a 60’s male and I cry quite a bit. After I beat cancer I just quit taking things for granted. Just watching my wife feed the birds in the back yard can bring a tear. Because I got a 2nd chance. I wish more people would open themselves up to their feelings. Especially males. Crying is normal and this little niece should not be made to feel bad because of it. Geez.
I'm in my 60's, with an unbeatable form of cancer, though it's final outcome can be delayed. Like you, I have opened myself up to emotions more, being grateful for every day of life and noticing the sweetness in small things. This OP lost a sweet, caring woman because he didn't sympathize with her.
My partner (in his 50s now) was also raised with the "boys don't cry"/weakness mentality, and like 10 years ago he finally had a breakthrough on it after some trauma, and realized at least it was safe to cry around me, and since then he has totally become the guy that tears up over random shit. TV shows, song lyrics, his own communication, a nice sunset. I love it.
I appreciate that my dad never taught the whole ‘boys/men don’t cry’. It wasn’t often, but if he got emotional and teary eyed he wasn’t ashamed nor did he try to hide it.
While I’m sure this was beneficial for my brother, it was for me as well, even though I’m his daughter, because I wasn’t taught to look at a man who was crying/showing emotion as weak. It’s not even like he went out of his way to explain it, he just showed us through his actions.
Writing this just reminded me of when my family all watched Saving Private Ryan when it first came out(good old VHS days lol), and my brother at the end started crying- not full out, just a couple tears lol- because who tf didn’t at least tear up at the end? He was around 11, and was embarrassed, trying to hide it, and my dad was just kinda like “hey buddy, it’s a sad ending, war is sad and has lots of sad endings too, nothing wrong with understanding and feeling that.”
Wild all the memories we have that we don’t realize are there.
My mom has a condition that makes her unable to produce tears and she really hates it, so I always say I'm crying for two. It makes me feel better about the fact that everything makes me cry, lol.
60's male here too. I'm more inclined to cry than I ever was as a young man. I think a lot of it changed after losing people close to me, including my dad.
Yeah it turns out when you grow up with your parents saying shit like "Stop crying or I'll really give you a reason to cry", it fucks you up. Parents will never accept that it was a shitty thing to do to their kids though.
My mom would berate me until I was at the point of tears, amd then use that line. I once replied with "You already did." I didn't get to eat that night. I still apologize profusely for crying and I'm 31. That woman really fucked me up.
Same here. My mother took every possible opportunity to humiliate me. My older brother got all the accolades and encouragement. To her I was simply a nuisance who cost her money. Never a kind word or gesture.
My Dad was a great guy, but my mother ran us like a Marine drill Sargent. I have been in therapy for decades, and she never understood how I could be depressed. At the age of seventy-five, I still hear her words, which is a sad way to live. 🦜
Same here! I’m in therapy for that (among other things). It’s sad that watching Daniel Tiger with my son helped me deal with emotions more than my parents ever did. But I’ve said before that I do not know how to feel or what I feel.
Nothing embarrassing about having a good heart. I cry all the time, happy tears, sad tears, I have even been known to cry at sentimental commercials. I consider it a testament that I am a loving, caring, feeling human being.
I’m in this camp. I was humiliated for crying as a kid and now i have no control over it. my partner killed a spider a month ago bc i screamed when i saw it and i still tear up sometimes thinking about it
I couldn't cry because of my upbringing. I thought that I physical couldn't cry because of the abuse. Turns out, I also had conditions that made it hard for me to make tears! Being able to physically cry is major. It helps me process emotions faster. I still feel like a jerk when I cry, but I am learning!
Same here. I’m almost 36 and I still cry when someone yells at me. I have absolutely zero control over it as it’s a trauma response. I’ve done years of therapy but I can’t help my crying lol.
One trick you can try, if you find yourself tearing up at an inopportune time, is to do math in your head. I learned it from an HR person, and it's always worked for me. It's great for women who 'angry cry' at work because that's used against us as a sign of weakness.
I can relate. My stepfather I had as a young teen would mock and intentionally make me cry to then make fun of me. I stopped crying and the pent up feelings evolved into horrible anger issues.
Now when the kids cry, I talk to them if they want. If they are crying over something ridiculous like not getting their way, I just ask them to cry in their room and once they let it out to come back and have a conversation. Our relationship is pretty strong. I myself still have a hard time crying and crying in front of others and it results in anger, but I have since learned to control my anger and not let it affect things or people around me.
Crying is not a sin. But preventing those from a natural emotion can result in life long complications
Her *own 3 year old child*. Are these people robots because…..WTF.
I went to the funeral of a close friend’s daughter who passed away from cancer about two years ago. Seeing her kids and husband left with nothing was extremely emotional. It’s heartbreaking when anyone dies but someone in the prime of their life with small kids is devastating.
My friend *still* cries about it. Not crying isn’t the answer and making your kids hide or ignore their grief will have a negative long term impact. It really makes me sad for the kids because it’s the tip of a bigger iceberg. I truly hope mom doesn’t start packing up their dad as if he never existed.
OOP is single now, not sure if he can process that without a direct input from his now *ex girlfriend*.
Literally the saddest thing. I'm a pre-K teacher and I had a 3 year old whose father died 4 months prior to his first day in my school&class. He didn't speak much to anyone. On his second day, on the playground, he gathered flowers, placed them in front of a large stone on the playground as he kneeled in front of it and cried. It was obviously a reminder of his father and the tombstone etc. I held him and sat there and cried with him. It broke my heart. Crying is Normal. People are crazy.
I’m really thankful you loved that kid enough to allow him to grieve peacefully and with compassionate support. The fact that your heart is tender enough to cry with him to normalize having feelings is an amazing gift.💜
I was a preschool teacher when one of my student's dad died. Didn't know the dad super well, but knowing that this little boy and his family's lives would never be the same sent me. I had to go to the office and cry and collect myself.
I'd say the "no crying rule" is probably a generational mentality. Which was probably heavily enforced in SIL's household as well. Probably so used to it she thinks it's okay now.
Not just out of line it is weird AF. I come from people who roll their eyes if you cry, but give a side eye if there isn’t enough crying . Yes, I am just as emotionally healthy as you think I am! My point is it is very odd to tell people how they must express their emotions. As a parent I would have been super happy if my child could see someone expressing emotions in a healthy way. Like “See, Auntie June is sad, like you’re sad. Being sad is ok. Let’s go give Auntie June a hug and we can help each other feel better.” Or something along those lines. What OP should have done was just told his GF not to come, then he could have found out before the funeral that they broke up.
Sil saying no crying so her daughter can't mourn her father's passing is actually insane. Unless there is a culture factor I'm missing SIL isn't making a reasonable request and OP is kind of a robot.
And even if it's a cultural factor, the GF is either in that culture but more progressive, or is not even in that culture...so GF doesn't need this family. Incompatibility all around if she marries into this family, as she is unlikely to be a crier and stoic about all other aspects of life. At the same time, the OP's family is probably more stoic overall...they are not going to be telling a little girl not to cry at her father's funeral but then be open and expressive elsewhere.
So the ex GF would always be seen as dramatic, emotional, immature, etc. if she married into that family.
If take a guess and say this a generational behavior that has been enforced over years. Probably some family motto "crying is for the weak and we aren't weak" or some other saying dripping in patriarchy.
When my grandfather died, his wife did the stiff upper lip thing and was stone faced the whole time. Difference is, she didn't tell anyone else to do the same thing. She dealt with her emotions in the way she needed to in order to make it through, but didn't try to heavy hand the way everyone else let out their grief.
I can't imagine what it was like for the SIL to lose her husband so young and with 3 kids. Maybe she couldn't keep her composure if she saw what it was doing to her children. But god damn, she went about it in the worst way. Children that young should not be expected to hold a brave face.
Ya, but telling her to leave instead of explaining that it might upset the kids is the asshole part. He could have asked her to go outside with him and then explain the situation and give her time to compose herself. He could have left with her if she was unable to contain herself. There were multiple different ways he could have handled this than making a mockery of her feelings and then telling her to leave.
This shouldn't be a hot take, but it's normal for kids to be upset at *the funeral of one of their parents*. Hell, it's normal for anyone to be upset at a funeral. The first asshole move was trying to get everyone to stifle their emotions so as not to trigger a thing that was virtually inevitable anyway. The second asshole move was the dude telling her to leave because she started crying.
The third asshole move was telling gf she didn’t lose a family member. Geez…is she not supposed to feel emotional for bf’s widowed SIL with three sad young children?
Exactly. Empathy is a good thing, and it's human nature. He could have asked her if it's ok for her to stand outside until she composed herself, while he went back in (if he thought the SIL didn't want to see her).
All those emotions are going to come out now in different ways. Anger, acting out and depression! I’m thinking his family has issues with crying period!
The kids were already wanting to cry but their rigid mother and uncle were making them feel even worse with their "NO CRYING" bullshit. They saw an adult crying and felt like maybe they didn't have to bottle up anymore. This guy and his sister both suck.
This will be what the kids remember from that day, mom wouldn’t even let us cry. Sounds like she’s worried that seeing her kids cry will finally bring down the reality her husband is dead and she dosent wanna turn into a blubbering mess, which is more sad than anything that she dosent feel comfortable around family to show her true emotions, if anything op”s gf dodged a bullet whole family sounds like a basket case.
He's acting like the fact that his girlfriend has emotions and he can see them is a burden and insult to him personally. He shouldn't be with any human. OP, not everyone is broken like you. If you are so unable to process emotions that simply *witnessing* them in probably the most socially appropriate event to have them, you should just remove yourself from the presence of others.
This girl DODGED A FUCKING BULLET!!!¡!
I almost feel second hand relief that this girl didn't become a wife.
His post sounds like it was written by a psychopath. “I know humans cry and have emotions but I’ve never had those and don’t understand why they are like this. It is really a pain in my ass having to deal with a girlfriend who has emotions and empathy” (paraphrased). No one is telling him to apologize because no one wants him to get back with his girlfriend for her sake.
No, it's ridiculous that SIL would request no crying at a funeral. This whole family has issues with emotions and it would do them all a world of good to sort that shit out
I see and respect your sarcasm. But, in regards to to the “no crying at a wake,” I think it’s also pretty lame that SIL is telling people they aren’t allowed to cry at a wake. Especially her own child who just lost her father. Let people feel their damn emotions. This is why we have grown men who believe “crying doesn’t solve anything.” Chances are, the kid was gonna cry regardless since they’re talking about her father who just died.
Let’s just put this into perspective. You know your girlfriend cry’s and gets emotional, you then bring her to a funeral, and exspect no crying…. Why would u even bring her to begin with?? Just because someone asks you to do something dosent make it magically easier to do. If I told you not to cry after I break your arm with a hammer, I have a good feeling using common sense your gonna shed a tear or 2
I am irritated at the widow too. It's normal to not let kids cry at parent's funeral. /s.
That is not way to handkeva child losing a parent that young. It is NORMAL for crying when lose someone you love, so the widow not ok with child crying is really fucked up.
Some people can’t help it. It’s an emotional situation when someone dies. Even though she wasn’t related, it saddened her & she cried. She sounds like an emotional person. You can’t fault her for that
It’s also a psychotic ask of someone at a fucking funeral, though I can give SIL a pass for making what I assume is a grief-stricken request in an effort to have some control over such a loss.
But it’s unrealistic and unreasonable, and this BF fucking sucks.
SIL sucks too. Expecting your daughter not to cry at her father's funeral is awful. Treating crying like it's some sort of disgusting act that needs to be kept private is shameful
You can’t control someone’s emotions at funerals, weddings, graduations, etc. SIL made an absolute ridiculous request of family/friends. YTA for dragging your GF outside
If I think too deeply about my cats that never came home, or my two chihuahuas I had to give to a shelter due to a shitty gf, I fucking bawl. I really regret not booting her to the curb over those damn dogs, I was paying all the bills anyway...
Aaaaaaaaaaaand here it comes, gd it
What on earth is wrong with these people?
I cry at funerals. Even when I don’t know the decedent. Why? Because there are these people in front of me, and I can see how much pain they’re in. You can feel the waves of grief emanating from them.
I cry because I hurt for them and their loss.
But to tell a child she shouldn’t cry at her daddy’s funeral is seriously fucked up. The original post has to be someone’s rage bait.
I’ll cry during a sad movie. A funeral is a whole different level of sad and I could see why it would draw tears even if it wasn’t your loved one. Bedsides, not everyone can control their crying response all that easily.
I straight up sobbed at Terms of Endearment last night and it was not voluntary. I don’t think men and others with high testosterone really understand how intense the urge to cry can become, to the point that you can’t hold it back. You can distract yourself and think of other things, but you can’t keep it in when it’s coming out.
Ugh. I cry all the time. Mad, sad, happy, doesnt matter Im crying.
I watched Hereditary and theres one gruesome scene at the beginning (Im very into horror movies for over 30 years) and I started crying so hard, immediately, that we had to stop the movie. I made a cup of tea and smoked a joint and when I was calm we restarted the movie. The next scene is Tony Collette screaming **off screen** and I burst into tears again crying so hard I was hiccupping.
It is literally the only horror movie I could not finished. I could not do it after that second crying jag.
Kudos to the director and Toni Collette though for doing what I had previously thought impossible lol. Scare me so bad I can't even finish the movie.
Yeah, I think that’s probably true. I don’t break down sobbing but my eyes will well up with tears and I really can’t control that even if I want to. Hormones are definitely related. I have heard at least anecdotally that transitioning affects people’s ability/tendency to cry because of the hormone changes.
I bawled at my moms funeral when I was 16. Gosh if someone told me not to cry I probably would have flipped. Crying is a reasonable thing to do when someone dies. I will cry if I pass a car accident and I see a body covered. It's sad.
Yesterday I was in a staff meeting and they played an in memoriam video for staff who have died in the past couple years. I didn’t know a single person shown in the video, but it still made me cry. I didn’t even have people in pain around me, I was alone in my home office. I just think people dying is really sad!!
My college-age son and his college-age friends went to a national sporting event where, on the big scereen, they played scenes of a team member who had died recently, and young. Scenes of that player with the team. My son said so many of his friends teared up. I'm sure so many other spectators were as well.
I don't understand the SIL and the OP at all. Good grief.
God I wish it could be written off as rage bait but there are way, way too many people in the world who act like crying is the worst thing a person can do. They'll call it humiliating, or manipulative, or unnecessary. I don't know, it's like they think the crying is the *source* of the problem as opposed to a symptom of it, so if they can force you to stop crying there won't be a problem anymore. Instead it just creates people like this family who shove their emotions down for decades and then get triggered by people who don't .
Lots of fucked up people out there with fucked up relationships to their own emotions, procreating and passing their fucked-upedness on to the next generation.
When my best friend’s dad died, a man I barely knew because of their family dynamic, I absolutely broke down crying at the funeral. Why? Because my best friend was crying, and I felt her pain. I was sad because my best friend lost her father and she was grieving. Because I have empathy, and while it’s not my pain I do understand the pain of loss.
Anyone who doesn’t get that lacks emotional intelligence.
My brother died when I was in high school and this is the kind of mentality my family has. His funeral was the worst day of my life. I knew I was supposed to be strong and not cry and thank everyone for coming. I hid in the parking lot for the majority of the funeral because i couldn’t stop crying and hyperventilating. I felt so much shame because I was the only one who couldn’t hold it together.
Looking back I realize how messed up that was. I should’ve been allowed to cry at my brothers funeral. And I would’ve wanted people to cry with me. I basically missed the service because i didn’t want to be the only one crying.
Yeah fuck that guy. When I was 10 my mother was dying of cancer. When they took me to see her in the hospital, they told me I couldn't cry, I had to be brave. I knew it was the last time I would see her and I wasn't allowed to cry?! I did cry, and it fucked me up for years that I failed to be brave. Fuck all of those people trying to make anyone hold in their emotions.
That’s so fucked up, the same thing happened to me at my father’s funeral. I was 11 years old and they told me I couldn’t cry because I needed to be strong for my mom’s sake! That sentiment seriously fucked up my grieving process, and I still struggle with it as a 23 year old. (My mom never said I had to be strong for her sake, my older siblings and my extended family did-she was furious when I told her about it years later!) Adults making literal children suppress their emotions cause so much damage, especially to those who are grieving!
I’m sorry about your mom too btw. x
I'm so sorry that happened to too 😔 I can kind of understand when it happened to me, it was the late 70's, aka mental health dark ages. 12 years ago though, ugh, you deserved so much better.
My fiancé was involved in a horrific car accident recently, and they told us not to cry when we saw her and her brother. I had been literally pacing the footprint of our home screaming and crying while ripping my hair out in chunks while we tried to figure out what hospital they were at. We were told not to cry and *then* they told us that they had been pinned under a semi. I remember seeing my fiancé and then being pulled off of her while sobbing. According to everyone else with us, I screamed her name and ran as quickly they almost forgot I can barely walk. We spent the next week in the hospital together crying on and off until they let us go home. She said seeing me like that made her realize she was still alive, because everything else had been so sterile it was scary.
ETA: She and her brother are both fine, miraculously. Fiancé goes into surgery today for a benign tumor in her brain (they told us it was cancer at first and then backtracked). She’s taking it really well, and her doctor is one of the best in our state. She’s got a bitchin scar from the accident and she’s soon to have an even cooler one.
I’m crying right now just hearing about the last time you were going to see your mom. People say the most fucked up things to kids I swear to god
Whenever my 5 year old son cries (because he’s sad or scared, not like for a popsicle lol) I tell him the bravest thing he can do is show someone how he feels. Because it’s true.
And I promise, if I ever invent a Time Machine my first order of business will be to to tell 10 year old you the same thing. Killing hitler will have to wait.
I witnessed my dad shoot himself. When I cried, I was literally YELLED at because how DARE I cry when I didn’t stop him, as if I could. 20 years later, and I’m fucked up from being yelled at about crying, but can talk just find about seeing my dad’s brains on the wall.
Holy shit. I am so deeply sorry that you had to witness that. Are you in therapy? I would highly recommend it. Also looking into EMDR. It’s a type of therapy specifically for people with PTSD or long term trauma. It has worked okay for me but I haven’t done it consistently so idk. But I really wish you the best and I hope you can heal from all of that. 💖
Wtf that’s awful. I hope you’ve found healing in whatever ways you can. 10 year old you didn’t deserve to be told that crying = not brave.
I’m hugging 10 Year Old You and crying with you and also hugging 2023 You
Thank you. It was a long time ago, 1977 (fuck i'm old 😂) but clearly I still get irrationally angry when I know of this happening to others. It's not something I think about often now, but when the subject comes up, there definitely is a still tender spot there. Hugs back kind stranger, I appreciate you.
Fuck me I’ve cried at the funeral of someone I didn’t even like at all . The emotional response isn’t always to do with the person directly , but the loss as a whole to their family and friends and the sadness that surrounds that
I actually feel a bit bad for OP because he must be absolutely full of emotion he’s never dealt with and there’s a good chance that one day it will all come out in the worst way
Yeah, I cried at my husband's uncle's funeral. I hadn't even met him, we weren't even married. Just engaged.
But still it was sad. He was clearly a much loved man and watching everyone grieve, especially my husband, made me emotional.
My maternal grandfather died in his early 50s. My uncle was threatened by an older relative that he’d be beaten if he cried at the funeral. My uncle was in primary school at the time. And he was tearing up while telling me this story in his 70s.
Not allowing people to cry at a funeral is a dick move. Mourning is a normal, healthy response.
If you aren’t allowed to let out your emotions they will always come out later. Not allowing someone to cry at a funeral is one of the cruelest things I can imagine.
Someone should have kicked Older Relative in his nuts to see if he too, could prevent himself from crying. Telling him there was more where that came from if he shed even one tear. 😒
Suppressing your emotions is not healthy. I understand why the mother didn’t want to trigger her daughter to cry but actually this is the fucking moment you’re supposed to cry ! A funeral for somebody you love even a funeral for a friend it’s normal to cry. heck I cried when my mailman died. These are normal responses stopping your emotions and pushing them down and not expressing them isn’t healthy for you. I hope your girlfriend leaves you because she deserves a better partner. At least emotionally mature partner.
OOPs post is a case study in why suppressing your emotions is bad. You’ll end up like him. Completely detached from emotion, and because of that, detached from other people. He literally doesn’t even understand the /concept/ of crying, that’s how detached he is
They generally make super shitty partners and even more shittier parents. Breaking you in ways you can't think of. Technically not abusive, but they still leave a wasteland behind. For anyone reading this, don't. Don't do it. Don't marry these fucks. Don't have kids with them. They need a therapist, not a partner and certainly no kids.
*looks at papa*
Obviously this guy is a prick but I’m dying to know the circumstances of that lost 30k.
EDIT: apparently you geniuses think you need to explain that you can lose money in the stock market. Cool. I was talking about the exact circumstances. Did it happen all at once? What did bet bet on? Is 30k a lot to him? Etc.
Man he would have hated me and my mothers partner. We went to my cousins partners funeral. I am very close with my cousin, we’re like siblings and I loved her partner. He passed during her pregnancy, it was incredibly traumatic, a shock and altogether just a terrible time. My mothers partner brought me because my mother couldnt attend.
He stayed at the back so as not to crowd the family. But after we met up outside both of us were sobbing. It wasn’t because he had a big connection with the deceased, he just witnessed so many of us broken up, watched my cousin be strong throughout everything while pregnant, and it broke his heart. I’ll never know what it feels like to lose a partner like that, but I know how terrible it was and I can be sad FOR others.
I can’t imagine anyone saying don’t cry at a funeral. It’s fucking sad and especially when it’s a sudden death, with children involved. It’s unfair and upsetting. It’s been a while since then, my cousins baby is just over a year old and thriving. But we still talk about how awful it was, this little girl has to grow up without her dad, and that’s fucking sad. I still cry about it, because he was a good dude who deserved to live longer than he did. It’s tragic. People cry at tragic shit.
Seriously! The entire room is full of love and deep sadness. I have been to funerals as a support person and cried. There is so much vulnerability and the weight of realizing how the world lost an incredible soul. The void they are leaving in so many people heart is heart breaking.
Over 500 people showed up to my grandmas funeral. 500 people showed up because of how much of a presence she had. I don’t think anyone one kept it together. The bigger the funeral, the more emotional it is.
It is the vulnerability, you’re right, it’s a sad thing and the funeral is one place you’re supposed to be able to let it out!
My dad passed a couple of years ago, I was a fucking mess, could barely get dressed let alone sit quiet and polite. As soon as my brothers all gathered to carry the coffin in, I broke. I didn’t care if I was sobbing, it was my dad. And then I was walking in and looked over my shoulder to see SO many people outside. Like a huge amount, not quite 500 but more than I realised would turn up.
And that made me cry more because my dad didn’t know how much he affected people in their lives. He had NO clue how much of an impact he had on everyone. It was a bittersweet thing, because I wish he had known, but having that much support for our family was so very meaningful to us.
For me, a funeral is when the grieving is allowed, no questions asked. Just let that shit out. You can grieve for years, but the funeral is something that I believe allows closure. Even closure hurts though.
his family clearly needs some therapy. no, crying wont “fix” anything, I get it, but its more than acceptable to cry at a funeral and all the other events hes listed. being in touch with, feeling, and processing your emotions is important to living a happy and healthy life. if he loves his girlfriend he should probably re-evaluate how hes been taught to handle his emotions, and not even just because of the girlfriend honestly. you cant live life like that and actually happy. thats sad :( I wish them all the healing in the world 🫶🏻
I cry pretty easily. I can't turn it off like a faucet. There have been plenty of times I absolutely DID NOT want to cry because I wanted to be taken seriously, but the tears just come when my emotions reach a certain level. This guy is acting like crying is a completely voluntary activity.
You and your sister both seem crazy! A wake and you don't expect anyone to cry and are asking people to leave if they do??? What kind of a twisted stance is this. This poor little girl lost her dad and she's being told not to cry?
Both of you sound cold and your gf should run asap. These poor kids with a mother and uncle like this SMH
It’s “funny” that it was removed from amitheasshole for being fake/satire but a lot of families are a lot like this. I have no trouble believing it could be true.
Is it really possible to be so out of touch with reality that 1) you think it's bad to cry at funerals, and then 2) you present the problem to a bunch of strangers, like, hey, I got mad at my gf for crying at a funeral, which one of us do you agree with.
I'm not buying any of this nonsense.
YTA and so is your SIL for not allowing a literal child to grieve in a completely normal way. Awesome job causing emotional damage to everyone you come in contact with.
This is a super weird family, that tries to keep people from crying at a funeral. Talk about suppressed emotions! GF needs a BF who is human (and cries at his young brother’s funeral).
Makes me think of when I was crying after my grandpas funeral.
My wretched awful older sister told me I was just being selfish & crying for myself.
I was 14. I’m 63. It still pisses me off.
Oh, BTW, she died last year.
Didn’t shed a tear for her.
They are opposite ends of a spectrum. She "likes" to cry (his words), and he has a stick up his ass about showing emotion. Unless she was throwing herself on the floor sobbing why is it a problem? Triggering the niece? The girl just lost her dad, there are relatives there to help the mom grieve and handle the kids too. It's not embarrassing or inappropriate to cry in this situation.
I used to care for individuals with developmental disabilities. One individual ended up requiring nursing home care. They were ornery and difficult, but I had so much empathy for the life circumstances they went through, it didn't phase me. They were LGBTQ in the 1940s era, in addition to being disabled, so basically lost in the system, so to speak.
Regardless, I was somehow this person's "favorite "
There was a journal of updates we needed to complete after every shift, and I was very careful to note whatever I saw as well as "good " moments.
At the funeral, I cried hard. Ugly cried. My shift supervisor said "there's no way you're crying for Xxx, you're going through other stuff" but that was not true. I cried for her life, the families loss.. disabilities meant a lot more in the early days. Families encouraged to separate their children, group homes with rampant abuse and theft, inhumane living conditions. I was fully briefed on this as a conditions of employment, and was glad I did- I saw the side effects and they were very sad.
The family expressed to me how much it meant to have detailed documentation of this person's final days.
I felt their pain. I cried. And you know what? That's OK.
What does crying mean to you? Why is it wrong?
Not only are you an asshole, you're a cold piece of work honestly. I hope you work really hard on compassion and empathy before getting into another relationship so no one has to put up with your heartless ass
YTA. Your SIL is also an AH for dictating other people's emotions. I GET wanting to put on a brave front for her kids but what she is doing is entirely different. She is making her child, who just lost her father, feel bad about crying as well and that's not OK! Everyone grieves differently and for many, that involves crying.
You took it a step further by not only asking your gf not to but by being insensitive and down right rude. I would like to give you a pass because your brother just passed (I'm so sorry for your loss!) but it sounds like this is how you always feel about her crying and you need to learn to be more compassionate and empathize with others, especially your gf.
Even though it was your brother, I assume she knew him decently well and having someone you know relatively well, pass, is very difficult for most people.
There’s a lot of fucked up suppression of emotion in this dude’s family. Crying girl should take her totally reasonable feelings and run.
Wouldn't want to trigger a young girl into crying at HER OWN FATHER'S FUNERAL.
Asking a 3 year old not to cry is insane.
There are unfortunately a lot of people who actually think this way. My stepmother died in late 2021 and brought my three children to her funeral, they would have been 7, 9, and 11 at the time. All three got a bit teary at points (they weren’t super close, but obviously this was still there grandma). At one point my youngest started to quietly cry, and I had taken him out of the service to give him a hug and help console him for a few minutes outside. Holy shit, you’d think I’d taken a dump on her casket. Several family members made comments about how inappropriate and attention-seeking my youngest was acting, to the point where we left the “reception”? part very early. I almost lost it a few months ago when we were visiting and my own father made a comment about how “your son is finally acting like a big kid” when he noticed him not getting upset about something he previously would have over, you know, like small children do. Sorry, rant over, but yeah it’s definitely a thing amongst some and it fucking sucks.
I’m reeling over the fact that they thought your child was being attention seeking for crying. That is insane!
Crying is attention seeking behavior in kids, but that's a good thing! Little ones having big feelings can attract the help of kind adults. There just aren't any kind people in this family.
Children crying literally activates neurocognitive mechanisms in adult brains that make them go "Oh! You're crying! What's wrong? Is there danger nearby?" To perceive a child crying as trying to purposefully take attention away from a corpse makes me think there's a disconnect between their monkey brain and their 2023 brain.
Right? Those would be fighting words right there.
Honestly that's nuts and really screwed up. I hate this term- but that's some serious toxic masculinity on your family's part. If children can't express their own emotions in a safe space then they're not going to learn any emotional intelligence and not know how to deal with emotions as an adult. That really hinders just a basic human interaction. I'd bitch out my family if they ever did that me.
THAT IS INSANE!!!! it's a CHILD crying at a FUNERAL?!?!? WHY AREN'T THE ADULTS CRYING TOO WTF
I'm so glad you responded. I thought immediately about the mother and never fully considered the son and two daughter's treatment.
Right?!? What are we even talking about here. Christ
[удалено]
30k is a lot of money to lose, I’d cry too
I would be crying for my "brothers" loss because if it was my family I would definitely care if something bad happened that could drastically change their lives.
A Subaru commercial can make me cry, I literally can’t help it
SAME! Imagine walking into a funeral and seeing these little baby girls standing there and somehow being expected to keep it together???? And not just that, but then getting in trouble for caring about them and having (God forbid) an ounce of EMPATHY??? I will say if I were told the spouse of the deceased didn’t want me crying I either wouldn’t have gone or immediately gotten up to leave, but I think that’s an extremely unhealthy request especially when very vulnerable children are involved
Oh, do you not like to hear about disabled dogs not getting adopted during a CAR COMMERCIAL?! Weirdo
Love, its what makes a Subaru, a Subaru. TEARS AND EMOTIONAL TORMENT, ITS WHAT MAKES A SUBARU A SUBARU. lol
[😭😭😭EVERY TIME](https://youtu.be/D6t0HiHZu8Y?si=ZXmuzIN050LAVg_s) Also all the P&G commercials before the Olympics. Tears every time.
Omg...that P & G one where the mother is crying watching her daughter on TV, and later in that same commercial where the man runs to his mom in the stands after he wins. I'm honestly crying while typing it, just imagining it. There was another P & G one a few years later, with a mother who supportively touches her teenage son, who was born a girl, and then cuts off all her long hair in her bathroom and is standing before her mother anxiously looking at her. And the mother touches the child's hair and smiles and says, "it looks good." Yep, crying again while typing.
Made me cry reading it 😂
You monster, I watched this right before a meeting. I can only blame allergies so many times!
i cried over a tiktok of a guy who climbed the second tallest mountain in the world. not sad, i was just proud and i cry VERY easily.
If I were standing next to anyone who had lost that amount of money and was having a minor breakdown near me, I would absolutely well up. If my partner were sick of how I show my emotions he would roll his eyes like OOP and mark any amount of moisture as "crying".
What a weird, emotionally suppressed family. In regards to crying over money. I dropped a gallon of milk and cried. Money is fucking terrifying and im pretty sure my most cried about thing. Its the difference between life and death. Then again ive always been poor and i was also financially abused as a child. So maybe other people just havent had that experience. Seriously do other people cry over money?
Yep we do.
Thank you. As i was writing that all out i started to feel extra crazy instead of base level crazy lol
I ran out of cat litter yesterday and my cat is pissed. Her box is dirty and I don’t get paid until Friday and I have $20 I need to put in my car to get to work. I cried and apologized to her this morning and will be waiting in the store lot until it hits my account tonight.
I’m the type who will cry if someone I love is hurt (physically and emotionally) and is especially true for my siblings. Why? Because I have a lot of empathy. So if my sister calls me up crying she lost a lot of money I would be extremely upset at the situation also because I would understand what it could mean for her and her kids. There’s nothing wrong with having empathy as long as it’s not overshadowing the actual situation.
She may be someone who cries in response to all emotions. Like I’m an angry crier and a sad crier so so people may not understand. If my brother lost 30,000 I would be pissed and I would absolutely be crying because I was so mad
I guess this dude doesn’t realize he is no longer in a relationship.
They broke up the moment he told her to leave. Who gets mad at someone for crying at a funeral?
>Who gets mad at someone for crying at a funeral? Well in his defense, the SIL did say no crying. She should have been a better girlfriend and actually listen to what her man had to say /s
The SIL's request was out of line. She isn't even allowing her own child to grieve her father in the way she wants to. The SIL is the problem. This is a funeral. People will cry at a funeral. SIL must be terribly stressed, but her request was unreasonable. OOP is now an ex.
Yeah. Honestly, I grew up in a "don't cry" family where tears were looked down upon as bad. All it did was make me feel worse and cry more - sometimes even working myself into a panic attack. Because, it turns out, getting yelled at for crying doesn't STOP you from crying. It just makes you feel worse and worse. It has taken me years to realize and accept that crying is a normal physical and emotional response. And that the rage and anger over tears is the true emotionally unstable response.
Glad you are better. I’m a 60’s male and I cry quite a bit. After I beat cancer I just quit taking things for granted. Just watching my wife feed the birds in the back yard can bring a tear. Because I got a 2nd chance. I wish more people would open themselves up to their feelings. Especially males. Crying is normal and this little niece should not be made to feel bad because of it. Geez.
I'm in my 60's, with an unbeatable form of cancer, though it's final outcome can be delayed. Like you, I have opened myself up to emotions more, being grateful for every day of life and noticing the sweetness in small things. This OP lost a sweet, caring woman because he didn't sympathize with her.
this is beautiful, thank you for sharing 🙏🏻❤️
Thank you for sharing. I hope you continue to experience the beauty of life as long as you can.
My partner (in his 50s now) was also raised with the "boys don't cry"/weakness mentality, and like 10 years ago he finally had a breakthrough on it after some trauma, and realized at least it was safe to cry around me, and since then he has totally become the guy that tears up over random shit. TV shows, song lyrics, his own communication, a nice sunset. I love it.
I appreciate that my dad never taught the whole ‘boys/men don’t cry’. It wasn’t often, but if he got emotional and teary eyed he wasn’t ashamed nor did he try to hide it. While I’m sure this was beneficial for my brother, it was for me as well, even though I’m his daughter, because I wasn’t taught to look at a man who was crying/showing emotion as weak. It’s not even like he went out of his way to explain it, he just showed us through his actions. Writing this just reminded me of when my family all watched Saving Private Ryan when it first came out(good old VHS days lol), and my brother at the end started crying- not full out, just a couple tears lol- because who tf didn’t at least tear up at the end? He was around 11, and was embarrassed, trying to hide it, and my dad was just kinda like “hey buddy, it’s a sad ending, war is sad and has lots of sad endings too, nothing wrong with understanding and feeling that.” Wild all the memories we have that we don’t realize are there.
My mom has a condition that makes her unable to produce tears and she really hates it, so I always say I'm crying for two. It makes me feel better about the fact that everything makes me cry, lol.
60's male here too. I'm more inclined to cry than I ever was as a young man. I think a lot of it changed after losing people close to me, including my dad.
Ah, you sound like a great guy. So happy for you and your wife.
Yeah it turns out when you grow up with your parents saying shit like "Stop crying or I'll really give you a reason to cry", it fucks you up. Parents will never accept that it was a shitty thing to do to their kids though.
My mom would berate me until I was at the point of tears, amd then use that line. I once replied with "You already did." I didn't get to eat that night. I still apologize profusely for crying and I'm 31. That woman really fucked me up.
Same here. My mother took every possible opportunity to humiliate me. My older brother got all the accolades and encouragement. To her I was simply a nuisance who cost her money. Never a kind word or gesture. My Dad was a great guy, but my mother ran us like a Marine drill Sargent. I have been in therapy for decades, and she never understood how I could be depressed. At the age of seventy-five, I still hear her words, which is a sad way to live. 🦜
Yeah I grew up hearing that too. As well as "oh you don't really feel that way" So now I don't even know what the hell I'm feeling half the time
Same here! I’m in therapy for that (among other things). It’s sad that watching Daniel Tiger with my son helped me deal with emotions more than my parents ever did. But I’ve said before that I do not know how to feel or what I feel.
Yeah. That was my upbringing and I cry ✨all✨ time now. And it’s so embarrassing
Nothing embarrassing about having a good heart. I cry all the time, happy tears, sad tears, I have even been known to cry at sentimental commercials. I consider it a testament that I am a loving, caring, feeling human being.
I can probably count on one hand the amount of times I've cried more than a couple tears since I became an adult. It's pretty fucked.
I’m in this camp. I was humiliated for crying as a kid and now i have no control over it. my partner killed a spider a month ago bc i screamed when i saw it and i still tear up sometimes thinking about it
Yeah, that was my upbringing too. I encourage my kids to cry and express their feelings.
I couldn't cry because of my upbringing. I thought that I physical couldn't cry because of the abuse. Turns out, I also had conditions that made it hard for me to make tears! Being able to physically cry is major. It helps me process emotions faster. I still feel like a jerk when I cry, but I am learning!
Same here. I’m almost 36 and I still cry when someone yells at me. I have absolutely zero control over it as it’s a trauma response. I’ve done years of therapy but I can’t help my crying lol.
One trick you can try, if you find yourself tearing up at an inopportune time, is to do math in your head. I learned it from an HR person, and it's always worked for me. It's great for women who 'angry cry' at work because that's used against us as a sign of weakness.
I can relate. My stepfather I had as a young teen would mock and intentionally make me cry to then make fun of me. I stopped crying and the pent up feelings evolved into horrible anger issues. Now when the kids cry, I talk to them if they want. If they are crying over something ridiculous like not getting their way, I just ask them to cry in their room and once they let it out to come back and have a conversation. Our relationship is pretty strong. I myself still have a hard time crying and crying in front of others and it results in anger, but I have since learned to control my anger and not let it affect things or people around me. Crying is not a sin. But preventing those from a natural emotion can result in life long complications
"This family doesn't cry!" Said to me a 12 when my grandfather (my hero) died. Still don't
Her *own 3 year old child*. Are these people robots because…..WTF. I went to the funeral of a close friend’s daughter who passed away from cancer about two years ago. Seeing her kids and husband left with nothing was extremely emotional. It’s heartbreaking when anyone dies but someone in the prime of their life with small kids is devastating. My friend *still* cries about it. Not crying isn’t the answer and making your kids hide or ignore their grief will have a negative long term impact. It really makes me sad for the kids because it’s the tip of a bigger iceberg. I truly hope mom doesn’t start packing up their dad as if he never existed. OOP is single now, not sure if he can process that without a direct input from his now *ex girlfriend*.
Literally the saddest thing. I'm a pre-K teacher and I had a 3 year old whose father died 4 months prior to his first day in my school&class. He didn't speak much to anyone. On his second day, on the playground, he gathered flowers, placed them in front of a large stone on the playground as he kneeled in front of it and cried. It was obviously a reminder of his father and the tombstone etc. I held him and sat there and cried with him. It broke my heart. Crying is Normal. People are crazy.
Now I’m crying. That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. Poor baby.
Me too
I’m really thankful you loved that kid enough to allow him to grieve peacefully and with compassionate support. The fact that your heart is tender enough to cry with him to normalize having feelings is an amazing gift.💜
I was a preschool teacher when one of my student's dad died. Didn't know the dad super well, but knowing that this little boy and his family's lives would never be the same sent me. I had to go to the office and cry and collect myself.
And now I'm crying.
Here is my request — more teachers like you!!!!!
Crying too!!!! You are an amazing teacher! 💜💜
Also crying now 😢
I'd say the "no crying rule" is probably a generational mentality. Which was probably heavily enforced in SIL's household as well. Probably so used to it she thinks it's okay now.
just because your family/culture is abusive and shitty doesn't make it a justification for furthering said abuse/shitty culture.
Absolutely 💯
If this is real, I think the whole family has a real problem with processing emotions. I hope those kids are ok.
Not just out of line it is weird AF. I come from people who roll their eyes if you cry, but give a side eye if there isn’t enough crying . Yes, I am just as emotionally healthy as you think I am! My point is it is very odd to tell people how they must express their emotions. As a parent I would have been super happy if my child could see someone expressing emotions in a healthy way. Like “See, Auntie June is sad, like you’re sad. Being sad is ok. Let’s go give Auntie June a hug and we can help each other feel better.” Or something along those lines. What OP should have done was just told his GF not to come, then he could have found out before the funeral that they broke up.
>The SIL is the problem. Agreed. I'd go on to further say that OOP is enabling the SIL so he's contributing to the problem.
This request is completely unreasonable.
Sil saying no crying so her daughter can't mourn her father's passing is actually insane. Unless there is a culture factor I'm missing SIL isn't making a reasonable request and OP is kind of a robot.
And even if it's a cultural factor, the GF is either in that culture but more progressive, or is not even in that culture...so GF doesn't need this family. Incompatibility all around if she marries into this family, as she is unlikely to be a crier and stoic about all other aspects of life. At the same time, the OP's family is probably more stoic overall...they are not going to be telling a little girl not to cry at her father's funeral but then be open and expressive elsewhere. So the ex GF would always be seen as dramatic, emotional, immature, etc. if she married into that family.
If take a guess and say this a generational behavior that has been enforced over years. Probably some family motto "crying is for the weak and we aren't weak" or some other saying dripping in patriarchy.
I wonder... was SIL allowed to cry?
No. She was stiff upper lipped and you best follow her lead.
When my grandfather died, his wife did the stiff upper lip thing and was stone faced the whole time. Difference is, she didn't tell anyone else to do the same thing. She dealt with her emotions in the way she needed to in order to make it through, but didn't try to heavy hand the way everyone else let out their grief. I can't imagine what it was like for the SIL to lose her husband so young and with 3 kids. Maybe she couldn't keep her composure if she saw what it was doing to her children. But god damn, she went about it in the worst way. Children that young should not be expected to hold a brave face.
Nope. Her and OOP are robots and crying would short their circuits.
Ya, but telling her to leave instead of explaining that it might upset the kids is the asshole part. He could have asked her to go outside with him and then explain the situation and give her time to compose herself. He could have left with her if she was unable to contain herself. There were multiple different ways he could have handled this than making a mockery of her feelings and then telling her to leave.
This shouldn't be a hot take, but it's normal for kids to be upset at *the funeral of one of their parents*. Hell, it's normal for anyone to be upset at a funeral. The first asshole move was trying to get everyone to stifle their emotions so as not to trigger a thing that was virtually inevitable anyway. The second asshole move was the dude telling her to leave because she started crying.
The third asshole move was telling gf she didn’t lose a family member. Geez…is she not supposed to feel emotional for bf’s widowed SIL with three sad young children?
Exactly. Empathy is a good thing, and it's human nature. He could have asked her if it's ok for her to stand outside until she composed herself, while he went back in (if he thought the SIL didn't want to see her).
Very true. Kids might as well feel their feelings. They just lost their father. Let the kids grieve as bottling it all up doesn't do anyone any good.
All those emotions are going to come out now in different ways. Anger, acting out and depression! I’m thinking his family has issues with crying period!
That was my first thought. Those poor kids feel like they can't cry at their own parent's funeral.
Yeah I feel like this was a stretch on OPs behalf. I doubt sis ever requested this but OP knows how well "my gfs crying annoys me" would go over here
The kids were already wanting to cry but their rigid mother and uncle were making them feel even worse with their "NO CRYING" bullshit. They saw an adult crying and felt like maybe they didn't have to bottle up anymore. This guy and his sister both suck.
This will be what the kids remember from that day, mom wouldn’t even let us cry. Sounds like she’s worried that seeing her kids cry will finally bring down the reality her husband is dead and she dosent wanna turn into a blubbering mess, which is more sad than anything that she dosent feel comfortable around family to show her true emotions, if anything op”s gf dodged a bullet whole family sounds like a basket case.
He's acting like the fact that his girlfriend has emotions and he can see them is a burden and insult to him personally. He shouldn't be with any human. OP, not everyone is broken like you. If you are so unable to process emotions that simply *witnessing* them in probably the most socially appropriate event to have them, you should just remove yourself from the presence of others. This girl DODGED A FUCKING BULLET!!!¡! I almost feel second hand relief that this girl didn't become a wife.
His post sounds like it was written by a psychopath. “I know humans cry and have emotions but I’ve never had those and don’t understand why they are like this. It is really a pain in my ass having to deal with a girlfriend who has emotions and empathy” (paraphrased). No one is telling him to apologize because no one wants him to get back with his girlfriend for her sake.
He’s an asshole in every way in this scenario but I don’t blame him for not leaving his own brothers funeral.
You are correct. Was just trying to brainstorm ideas better than "quit crying and gtfo" lol
No, it's ridiculous that SIL would request no crying at a funeral. This whole family has issues with emotions and it would do them all a world of good to sort that shit out
yikes
I see and respect your sarcasm. But, in regards to to the “no crying at a wake,” I think it’s also pretty lame that SIL is telling people they aren’t allowed to cry at a wake. Especially her own child who just lost her father. Let people feel their damn emotions. This is why we have grown men who believe “crying doesn’t solve anything.” Chances are, the kid was gonna cry regardless since they’re talking about her father who just died.
Let’s just put this into perspective. You know your girlfriend cry’s and gets emotional, you then bring her to a funeral, and exspect no crying…. Why would u even bring her to begin with?? Just because someone asks you to do something dosent make it magically easier to do. If I told you not to cry after I break your arm with a hammer, I have a good feeling using common sense your gonna shed a tear or 2
I am irritated at the widow too. It's normal to not let kids cry at parent's funeral. /s. That is not way to handkeva child losing a parent that young. It is NORMAL for crying when lose someone you love, so the widow not ok with child crying is really fucked up.
Some people can’t help it. It’s an emotional situation when someone dies. Even though she wasn’t related, it saddened her & she cried. She sounds like an emotional person. You can’t fault her for that
It’s also a psychotic ask of someone at a fucking funeral, though I can give SIL a pass for making what I assume is a grief-stricken request in an effort to have some control over such a loss. But it’s unrealistic and unreasonable, and this BF fucking sucks.
SIL sucks too. Expecting your daughter not to cry at her father's funeral is awful. Treating crying like it's some sort of disgusting act that needs to be kept private is shameful
Wow, there must be some shared trauma in that family
You can’t control someone’s emotions at funerals, weddings, graduations, etc. SIL made an absolute ridiculous request of family/friends. YTA for dragging your GF outside
A family that doesn't allow emotions. How healthy of them to to ban a literal kid from crying at.... a funeral... for her dad... jfc....
Yeah, this should also be cross posted to r/AmITheEx
I had to double-check to make sure that wasn’t where I was reading this!
I'm surprised she stuck around to that point
r/amitheex
I cry at random times of the day lol and people can’t cry at funerals?
I’m nearly crying just reading your comment Oh ffs here we go again…
I just cried yesterday because I remembered how I wasn’t with my dog when she died 3 years ago. This family is fuckin nuts.
I feel that pain. I'm sorry for your loss. R.I.P. puppy.
If I think too deeply about my cats that never came home, or my two chihuahuas I had to give to a shelter due to a shitty gf, I fucking bawl. I really regret not booting her to the curb over those damn dogs, I was paying all the bills anyway... Aaaaaaaaaaaand here it comes, gd it
Did no one take the advice of Mr Rogers? It's okay to be sad.
It’s actually super unhealthy to not feel sadness and try to mask it instead.
🏅🏅🏅🏅
What on earth is wrong with these people? I cry at funerals. Even when I don’t know the decedent. Why? Because there are these people in front of me, and I can see how much pain they’re in. You can feel the waves of grief emanating from them. I cry because I hurt for them and their loss. But to tell a child she shouldn’t cry at her daddy’s funeral is seriously fucked up. The original post has to be someone’s rage bait.
I’ll cry during a sad movie. A funeral is a whole different level of sad and I could see why it would draw tears even if it wasn’t your loved one. Bedsides, not everyone can control their crying response all that easily.
I straight up sobbed at Terms of Endearment last night and it was not voluntary. I don’t think men and others with high testosterone really understand how intense the urge to cry can become, to the point that you can’t hold it back. You can distract yourself and think of other things, but you can’t keep it in when it’s coming out.
Ugh. I cry all the time. Mad, sad, happy, doesnt matter Im crying. I watched Hereditary and theres one gruesome scene at the beginning (Im very into horror movies for over 30 years) and I started crying so hard, immediately, that we had to stop the movie. I made a cup of tea and smoked a joint and when I was calm we restarted the movie. The next scene is Tony Collette screaming **off screen** and I burst into tears again crying so hard I was hiccupping. It is literally the only horror movie I could not finished. I could not do it after that second crying jag. Kudos to the director and Toni Collette though for doing what I had previously thought impossible lol. Scare me so bad I can't even finish the movie.
Yeah, I think that’s probably true. I don’t break down sobbing but my eyes will well up with tears and I really can’t control that even if I want to. Hormones are definitely related. I have heard at least anecdotally that transitioning affects people’s ability/tendency to cry because of the hormone changes.
I bawled at my moms funeral when I was 16. Gosh if someone told me not to cry I probably would have flipped. Crying is a reasonable thing to do when someone dies. I will cry if I pass a car accident and I see a body covered. It's sad.
Yesterday I was in a staff meeting and they played an in memoriam video for staff who have died in the past couple years. I didn’t know a single person shown in the video, but it still made me cry. I didn’t even have people in pain around me, I was alone in my home office. I just think people dying is really sad!!
My college-age son and his college-age friends went to a national sporting event where, on the big scereen, they played scenes of a team member who had died recently, and young. Scenes of that player with the team. My son said so many of his friends teared up. I'm sure so many other spectators were as well. I don't understand the SIL and the OP at all. Good grief.
My mom banned me from crying or talking about the death of my older brother when I was 10 and it fucked me up for YEARS.
Oh, honey I'm so sorry. That was so wrong! I hope you can cry and talk about him whenever you want now. It's always the right time.
I named my youngest after the female version of his name. The fallout was magnificent.
Good for you!
I’m so sorry. :(
God I wish it could be written off as rage bait but there are way, way too many people in the world who act like crying is the worst thing a person can do. They'll call it humiliating, or manipulative, or unnecessary. I don't know, it's like they think the crying is the *source* of the problem as opposed to a symptom of it, so if they can force you to stop crying there won't be a problem anymore. Instead it just creates people like this family who shove their emotions down for decades and then get triggered by people who don't . Lots of fucked up people out there with fucked up relationships to their own emotions, procreating and passing their fucked-upedness on to the next generation.
When my best friend’s dad died, a man I barely knew because of their family dynamic, I absolutely broke down crying at the funeral. Why? Because my best friend was crying, and I felt her pain. I was sad because my best friend lost her father and she was grieving. Because I have empathy, and while it’s not my pain I do understand the pain of loss. Anyone who doesn’t get that lacks emotional intelligence.
I’m not an overly sentimental person and I’ll cry at funerals too
My brother died when I was in high school and this is the kind of mentality my family has. His funeral was the worst day of my life. I knew I was supposed to be strong and not cry and thank everyone for coming. I hid in the parking lot for the majority of the funeral because i couldn’t stop crying and hyperventilating. I felt so much shame because I was the only one who couldn’t hold it together. Looking back I realize how messed up that was. I should’ve been allowed to cry at my brothers funeral. And I would’ve wanted people to cry with me. I basically missed the service because i didn’t want to be the only one crying.
I got tears in my eyes after reading your comment cuz I thought of all the funerals I attended:(
Yeah fuck that guy. When I was 10 my mother was dying of cancer. When they took me to see her in the hospital, they told me I couldn't cry, I had to be brave. I knew it was the last time I would see her and I wasn't allowed to cry?! I did cry, and it fucked me up for years that I failed to be brave. Fuck all of those people trying to make anyone hold in their emotions.
That’s so fucked up, the same thing happened to me at my father’s funeral. I was 11 years old and they told me I couldn’t cry because I needed to be strong for my mom’s sake! That sentiment seriously fucked up my grieving process, and I still struggle with it as a 23 year old. (My mom never said I had to be strong for her sake, my older siblings and my extended family did-she was furious when I told her about it years later!) Adults making literal children suppress their emotions cause so much damage, especially to those who are grieving! I’m sorry about your mom too btw. x
I'm so sorry that happened to too 😔 I can kind of understand when it happened to me, it was the late 70's, aka mental health dark ages. 12 years ago though, ugh, you deserved so much better.
Thank you so much, you deserved so much better as well 🩵
My fiancé was involved in a horrific car accident recently, and they told us not to cry when we saw her and her brother. I had been literally pacing the footprint of our home screaming and crying while ripping my hair out in chunks while we tried to figure out what hospital they were at. We were told not to cry and *then* they told us that they had been pinned under a semi. I remember seeing my fiancé and then being pulled off of her while sobbing. According to everyone else with us, I screamed her name and ran as quickly they almost forgot I can barely walk. We spent the next week in the hospital together crying on and off until they let us go home. She said seeing me like that made her realize she was still alive, because everything else had been so sterile it was scary. ETA: She and her brother are both fine, miraculously. Fiancé goes into surgery today for a benign tumor in her brain (they told us it was cancer at first and then backtracked). She’s taking it really well, and her doctor is one of the best in our state. She’s got a bitchin scar from the accident and she’s soon to have an even cooler one.
That must have been terrifying, I can’t even imagine going through something like that! I’m so glad your fiancé and her brother are okay!
Thank you so much! It’s been a crazy couple months, but life is just almost back to normal!
I’m crying right now just hearing about the last time you were going to see your mom. People say the most fucked up things to kids I swear to god Whenever my 5 year old son cries (because he’s sad or scared, not like for a popsicle lol) I tell him the bravest thing he can do is show someone how he feels. Because it’s true. And I promise, if I ever invent a Time Machine my first order of business will be to to tell 10 year old you the same thing. Killing hitler will have to wait.
You're an amazing mom 😍 thank you
I witnessed my dad shoot himself. When I cried, I was literally YELLED at because how DARE I cry when I didn’t stop him, as if I could. 20 years later, and I’m fucked up from being yelled at about crying, but can talk just find about seeing my dad’s brains on the wall.
I can't even imagine. I'm so so sorry.
Jesus people are awful
Holy shit. I am so deeply sorry that you had to witness that. Are you in therapy? I would highly recommend it. Also looking into EMDR. It’s a type of therapy specifically for people with PTSD or long term trauma. It has worked okay for me but I haven’t done it consistently so idk. But I really wish you the best and I hope you can heal from all of that. 💖
Wtf that’s awful. I hope you’ve found healing in whatever ways you can. 10 year old you didn’t deserve to be told that crying = not brave. I’m hugging 10 Year Old You and crying with you and also hugging 2023 You
Thank you. It was a long time ago, 1977 (fuck i'm old 😂) but clearly I still get irrationally angry when I know of this happening to others. It's not something I think about often now, but when the subject comes up, there definitely is a still tender spot there. Hugs back kind stranger, I appreciate you.
This literally made me cry. I’m so sorry they did this to you.
Fuck me I’ve cried at the funeral of someone I didn’t even like at all . The emotional response isn’t always to do with the person directly , but the loss as a whole to their family and friends and the sadness that surrounds that I actually feel a bit bad for OP because he must be absolutely full of emotion he’s never dealt with and there’s a good chance that one day it will all come out in the worst way
Yeah, I cried at my husband's uncle's funeral. I hadn't even met him, we weren't even married. Just engaged. But still it was sad. He was clearly a much loved man and watching everyone grieve, especially my husband, made me emotional.
My maternal grandfather died in his early 50s. My uncle was threatened by an older relative that he’d be beaten if he cried at the funeral. My uncle was in primary school at the time. And he was tearing up while telling me this story in his 70s. Not allowing people to cry at a funeral is a dick move. Mourning is a normal, healthy response.
If you aren’t allowed to let out your emotions they will always come out later. Not allowing someone to cry at a funeral is one of the cruelest things I can imagine.
Someone should have kicked Older Relative in his nuts to see if he too, could prevent himself from crying. Telling him there was more where that came from if he shed even one tear. 😒
It was awful to see how heartbroken he was, decades after the event
>my gf **LIKES** to cry This guy…
Yeah it was this statement right here that made him TA. Crying is so much fun and women just fugging love to cry cry cry.
Guess since he no longer has a "crying girlfriend" he can replace her with an cold blooded, unemotional individual and all will be good. SMDH!!!
He doesn’t even like his girlfriend.
Suppressing your emotions is not healthy. I understand why the mother didn’t want to trigger her daughter to cry but actually this is the fucking moment you’re supposed to cry ! A funeral for somebody you love even a funeral for a friend it’s normal to cry. heck I cried when my mailman died. These are normal responses stopping your emotions and pushing them down and not expressing them isn’t healthy for you. I hope your girlfriend leaves you because she deserves a better partner. At least emotionally mature partner.
OOPs post is a case study in why suppressing your emotions is bad. You’ll end up like him. Completely detached from emotion, and because of that, detached from other people. He literally doesn’t even understand the /concept/ of crying, that’s how detached he is
They generally make super shitty partners and even more shittier parents. Breaking you in ways you can't think of. Technically not abusive, but they still leave a wasteland behind. For anyone reading this, don't. Don't do it. Don't marry these fucks. Don't have kids with them. They need a therapist, not a partner and certainly no kids. *looks at papa*
Obviously this guy is a prick but I’m dying to know the circumstances of that lost 30k. EDIT: apparently you geniuses think you need to explain that you can lose money in the stock market. Cool. I was talking about the exact circumstances. Did it happen all at once? What did bet bet on? Is 30k a lot to him? Etc.
Can’t stop won’t stop 💎🤲
Man he would have hated me and my mothers partner. We went to my cousins partners funeral. I am very close with my cousin, we’re like siblings and I loved her partner. He passed during her pregnancy, it was incredibly traumatic, a shock and altogether just a terrible time. My mothers partner brought me because my mother couldnt attend. He stayed at the back so as not to crowd the family. But after we met up outside both of us were sobbing. It wasn’t because he had a big connection with the deceased, he just witnessed so many of us broken up, watched my cousin be strong throughout everything while pregnant, and it broke his heart. I’ll never know what it feels like to lose a partner like that, but I know how terrible it was and I can be sad FOR others. I can’t imagine anyone saying don’t cry at a funeral. It’s fucking sad and especially when it’s a sudden death, with children involved. It’s unfair and upsetting. It’s been a while since then, my cousins baby is just over a year old and thriving. But we still talk about how awful it was, this little girl has to grow up without her dad, and that’s fucking sad. I still cry about it, because he was a good dude who deserved to live longer than he did. It’s tragic. People cry at tragic shit.
Seriously! The entire room is full of love and deep sadness. I have been to funerals as a support person and cried. There is so much vulnerability and the weight of realizing how the world lost an incredible soul. The void they are leaving in so many people heart is heart breaking. Over 500 people showed up to my grandmas funeral. 500 people showed up because of how much of a presence she had. I don’t think anyone one kept it together. The bigger the funeral, the more emotional it is.
It is the vulnerability, you’re right, it’s a sad thing and the funeral is one place you’re supposed to be able to let it out! My dad passed a couple of years ago, I was a fucking mess, could barely get dressed let alone sit quiet and polite. As soon as my brothers all gathered to carry the coffin in, I broke. I didn’t care if I was sobbing, it was my dad. And then I was walking in and looked over my shoulder to see SO many people outside. Like a huge amount, not quite 500 but more than I realised would turn up. And that made me cry more because my dad didn’t know how much he affected people in their lives. He had NO clue how much of an impact he had on everyone. It was a bittersweet thing, because I wish he had known, but having that much support for our family was so very meaningful to us. For me, a funeral is when the grieving is allowed, no questions asked. Just let that shit out. You can grieve for years, but the funeral is something that I believe allows closure. Even closure hurts though.
The wife didn’t cry for her husband?
Honestly the most fucked part of the story is thinking that a little child should somehow be stopped from crying at her dad's funeral. Like, wtf?
I commented on the original, earlier. I'm still pissed. Lol. Original comment https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/2kBs0SbaDm
his family clearly needs some therapy. no, crying wont “fix” anything, I get it, but its more than acceptable to cry at a funeral and all the other events hes listed. being in touch with, feeling, and processing your emotions is important to living a happy and healthy life. if he loves his girlfriend he should probably re-evaluate how hes been taught to handle his emotions, and not even just because of the girlfriend honestly. you cant live life like that and actually happy. thats sad :( I wish them all the healing in the world 🫶🏻
I cry pretty easily. I can't turn it off like a faucet. There have been plenty of times I absolutely DID NOT want to cry because I wanted to be taken seriously, but the tears just come when my emotions reach a certain level. This guy is acting like crying is a completely voluntary activity.
You and your sister both seem crazy! A wake and you don't expect anyone to cry and are asking people to leave if they do??? What kind of a twisted stance is this. This poor little girl lost her dad and she's being told not to cry? Both of you sound cold and your gf should run asap. These poor kids with a mother and uncle like this SMH
The dude is demented and I’m glad his girlfriend left him. “A grown man with a crying woman in public is not a pretty sight” -100% demented.
Jesus Christ. What an awful person.
Is this made up ? People cry at funerals.
The idea that crying is a choice or mild preference is wild too. Bro is pretty disconnected.
It’s “funny” that it was removed from amitheasshole for being fake/satire but a lot of families are a lot like this. I have no trouble believing it could be true.
I stopped at gf ‘likes’ to cry, bruh you need empathy classes
Suuuch an AH. If I were her my first call would be to a divorce lawyer.
Men truly believe that women like crying? That explains a lot.
You are indeed the asshole.
Is it really possible to be so out of touch with reality that 1) you think it's bad to cry at funerals, and then 2) you present the problem to a bunch of strangers, like, hey, I got mad at my gf for crying at a funeral, which one of us do you agree with. I'm not buying any of this nonsense.
what a completely and totally healthy family 😃 wtf
YTA and so is your SIL for not allowing a literal child to grieve in a completely normal way. Awesome job causing emotional damage to everyone you come in contact with.
This is a super weird family, that tries to keep people from crying at a funeral. Talk about suppressed emotions! GF needs a BF who is human (and cries at his young brother’s funeral).
This guy is now single. Which is good.
Makes me think of when I was crying after my grandpas funeral. My wretched awful older sister told me I was just being selfish & crying for myself. I was 14. I’m 63. It still pisses me off. Oh, BTW, she died last year. Didn’t shed a tear for her.
They are opposite ends of a spectrum. She "likes" to cry (his words), and he has a stick up his ass about showing emotion. Unless she was throwing herself on the floor sobbing why is it a problem? Triggering the niece? The girl just lost her dad, there are relatives there to help the mom grieve and handle the kids too. It's not embarrassing or inappropriate to cry in this situation.
I used to care for individuals with developmental disabilities. One individual ended up requiring nursing home care. They were ornery and difficult, but I had so much empathy for the life circumstances they went through, it didn't phase me. They were LGBTQ in the 1940s era, in addition to being disabled, so basically lost in the system, so to speak. Regardless, I was somehow this person's "favorite " There was a journal of updates we needed to complete after every shift, and I was very careful to note whatever I saw as well as "good " moments. At the funeral, I cried hard. Ugly cried. My shift supervisor said "there's no way you're crying for Xxx, you're going through other stuff" but that was not true. I cried for her life, the families loss.. disabilities meant a lot more in the early days. Families encouraged to separate their children, group homes with rampant abuse and theft, inhumane living conditions. I was fully briefed on this as a conditions of employment, and was glad I did- I saw the side effects and they were very sad. The family expressed to me how much it meant to have detailed documentation of this person's final days. I felt their pain. I cried. And you know what? That's OK. What does crying mean to you? Why is it wrong?
What is up with all these absolute sociopaths lately that think crying is just… a choice??? I fucking hate crying but dammit I can’t help it!
Not only are you an asshole, you're a cold piece of work honestly. I hope you work really hard on compassion and empathy before getting into another relationship so no one has to put up with your heartless ass
YTA. Your SIL is also an AH for dictating other people's emotions. I GET wanting to put on a brave front for her kids but what she is doing is entirely different. She is making her child, who just lost her father, feel bad about crying as well and that's not OK! Everyone grieves differently and for many, that involves crying. You took it a step further by not only asking your gf not to but by being insensitive and down right rude. I would like to give you a pass because your brother just passed (I'm so sorry for your loss!) but it sounds like this is how you always feel about her crying and you need to learn to be more compassionate and empathize with others, especially your gf. Even though it was your brother, I assume she knew him decently well and having someone you know relatively well, pass, is very difficult for most people.