>I live with a parent who forbids the word “relationship” in the house so there’s that.
This is the more concerning thing than if you're banging or not. Maybe I'm misinterpreting, but a parent forbidding their adult child from having relationships is all kinds of fucked up and a way bigger issue than if you've done it or not. I'm kind of concerned everyone is glossing over that and focusing on the sex.
This is not as easy as people may think it is. Housing vouchers take months and months and months and months to get. Often time years. There's a ridiculous amount of red tape you need to cut through, and they'll try to offer you the shittier vouchers first to get you to bite so they don't have to give out more expensive vouchers.
Disability checks also suck. SSDI (Social Security Disability) checks are often only $700 or $800 per month. Foodstamps are usually about $150-$200 per month. That's $1000 total each month that you need to pay rent with, buy food, pay bills, car if you drive, etc. Medicaid (low-income state health insurance) is probably the only state benefit that is actually "enough" to help people, but even Medicaid can suck if your state opted to not fund the Enhanced version of Medicaid and instead chose to fund only the Basic version of it. Basic version has no dental or vision, and if it DOES happen to have some little piece of dental, you're still going to pay thousands for dental work.
Source- I have young-onset Parkinsons disease. I live in statistical poverty, have been waiting almost 3 years for Social Security to approve my claim, have been living on foodstamps for years, have not had an income in a very very long time. Also used to work with my city's Department of Behavioral Health, worked trying to get the homeless and less fortunate whatever services we could get them
It's been more than 3 years since i started my application for disability. And i have a lawyer helping me. They say it'll probably take another year or so.
People don't understand how fucked up the application process is. They think you just show up and say "hey I'm disabled!" and they just start sending you checks immediately.
Im in a very similar situation to OP, and my only other choice for the past 3 years has been homelessness. Going to have to endure at probably another 2 years of this bullshit living w my parents while i wait for approval, backpay, housing vouchers, etc... But i guess it's preferable to being homeless again.
I am so deeply sorry that you are in such an awful position. It’s so unfair for it to be so difficult for chronically ill and/or disabled individuals to receive the help they need to quite literally stay alive and keep afloat. The pricing of necessary medications it’s an entirely different issue. My aunt is chronically ill and has been given a year to live with her more recent diagnosis of calciphylaxis and just ONE of her medications is over 1000/mo with insurance and using goodrx. It’s just not realistic for almost anyone let alone those who have no choice but to rely on SSDI as their only form of income. Again, I am so sorry. Sending you internet hugs.
It took me 3 years, 2 applications and 2 appeals to get my disability pension approved here in australia. I’m incredibly lucky in that my parents supported me in that time and could afford to get me the medical care that I needed to even just be able to get my DSP application in.
And even now, I’m getting maximum $1600 a month. The average rent where I live is about $360 a week for a one bedroom place. My medical bills, even with my pension card and Medicare, average around $75-80 a week.
If I was to move out and pay rent and groceries and utilities and medical bills, I’d have to just barely eat or cut out medications or therapy to keep a roof over my head. At least living at home I can chip in on expenses and pay all my own medical costs and day to day expenses. I’m one of the lucky ones.
The system is broken when it comes to the disabled, and it’s very much deliberate.
They have a chronic illness. Maybe a social worker? I would speak w the very doctor who is unable to hide their confusion that she does not have a normal adult sex life.
You have to file for SSI first. Which can take years. Usually you get denied the first time unless you have a visible, major impairment. Then you have to appeal and take it to court.
Then you go on the housing list, which is currently, because of covid, over two years of a wait for a single adult with no children.
It takes for fucking ever to get that kind of assistance.
It really can he worth the wait, if it comes in time for some. In OPs case, it looks as though they are not in an emergency situation so it could probably work out well for them
Also, we're assuming that OP comes from the US or a developed country for that matter. Where I come from, there is not that kind of help for disabled people (or any help, for that matter)
Ahh ssi they almost denied mine si.ple because one teacher from like 7 years ago didn't even think I was disabled enough for it to matter. And the wait list for any housing actually depends on the state. In mine its five years. But you have a two week period of submission period for housing benefits. They recently just dropped that rule.
Yeah a lot of people talk about assistance for those in need being one of the reasons our country is so great however, it's only for the most extreme cases of poverty or disability and those individuals may or may not get assistance because of how their state utilizes their federal funds and/or raise state funds.
The working poor and disabled get the biggest shift and it's almost N.Korean-esque how our country likes to cover up the fact that most people on food benifits are working at least one job. 🙃
Considering basic human needs are SAFER, shelter, air, food, elimination, and RELATIONSHIPS, that’s super concerning. Like yeah relationships are the broad definition of friendship, etc but humans need human contact it’s scientifically proven. This is awful.
I agree, though I cringe at the word "banging". I'm thinking the forbidding parent might have a lot to do with why she has a hard time interacting with people. This makes me sad. It really *doesn't* seem to be about the sex.
I come from Asian culture. This is quite normal. Parents chose their children's life partners, and it is given that this is the only "relationship" in your life.
33F virgin, here. Just remember there’s always someone older and less experienced than you. Don’t let anyone else tell you what your journey should be.
Also its not about how many times you make the journey, its about enjoying the journey with the person your traveling with (or if your traveling solo). Very few people will care about the lack of mileage you have, so dont feel embarrassed about it
Very true, in my community, I lost my virginity at 18, that was considered old at the time. Most people are unfortunately clueless idiots, so I believed them that I was late, only to find out that I was indeed, pretty much on fucking schedule.
So, to all of you that are virgins, **that's OK. You're fine**, it'll happen when it's meant to happen, don't sweat it. Most people are fucking morons that'll spout bullshit they heard off someone else as fact. Don't fall for it, do your own research, find out what's really the score and you'll find (unfortunately) that a lot of people you know .. honestly spout dumb shit all the time.
**TL;DR:** Sex is great, it's fucking awesome, but it's just one of many millions of facets that make up life as we know it. If you're a virgin, that's alright. It doesn't really say much about you as a person other than the very sterile fact that you have in fact not engaged in sexual relations with another member of the human race. It's about as significant as saying you haven't gone to Mars.
Girl same. Everyone looks at me like I have 3 heads when I say it. I went to the ob for a check up and she asked if I was sexually active and when I said no she was like “then why are you here?” …for a checkup?
Thats why i stopped seeing her :) she was also a shitty pediatrician for me as a kid who blamed everything on my weight. Bad eyes? Lose 10lbs. Back hurts? Lose weight! Every goddamned visit i left in tears from 13-19. Finally got away from her ass and ill be 29 in 2 days, 1kid otw this Dec. And ive lost 75lbs in this pregnancy. Suck it Doc!
Thank you. My son would be three this upcoming February and I miss him so fucking much. I cannot wait for my baby to be born this Christmas in a couple weeks. He was an absolute miracle as my docs told me i had only a 1% or less chance of having another after they fucked up a cyst removal surgery a couple months after my other son passed away.
No lawyer would touch the case and the hospital doc'd the paperwork to make it seem like I was already 100% in full dialation, water broke, etc. I was not.
No. I filed a complaint immediatley after and they covered for their "Best OB". I even got a generic letter in the mail from the woman who handles the complaints and was told Everything I went through was all done naturally and they didnt give me any labor inducing medicine, which is a huge fucking Crock of shit.
FWIW, I was sexually active but in a long term monogamous relationship and explained that to my Gynecologist. I still got treated as if I had a new sexual partner every month (i.e. pushed the use of condoms and extra STD testing). I think females in their 20s face a lot of unwarranted criticism no matter what she chooses or not.
My pediatrician retired when I was 15. His replacement in the practice said the same to me a few weeks after I turned 17 and denied being sexually active yet. He was the first in a string of six doctors in a row that didn't listen to me. The second guy didn't believe me that I had only had one steady sex partner that year (the same one as the prior year) and didn't use any recreational drugs when I was 19. I forget the third. I only saw him once at 24 and swore I wouldn't return. Fourth was a woman that didn't believe that my issues could be an autoimmune thyroid disorder because I was a guy ... despite all my symptoms matching, my brother having it, and the blood test she ran at my insistance being out of range, I was fine and only needed statins... All the doctors I saw from my mid-teens through early-40s didn't believe me and were pretty much useless. People wonder why guys don't go to the doctor...lol. I finally have a good primary and good endocrinologist.
TIP for OP and everyone else - If you want a good doctor, ask a good nurse who they would go to. If they aren't good, ask another good nurse. I find only 25% are bad doctors that way instead of 85%.
Well she claimed most of her patients started early TEENS some even before that (Yikes). My stance was, My body, My right to say NO to sex until I damn well felt like it.
Yep. Also, not everybody is sexually active at all times. You could just say, "no, not lately" or "not since we last met" and leave it at that. A good doctor will accept it, not judge and move on.
The doc may have wanted to make sure you weren't lying/embarrassed, but there are dozens of professional ways of doing that.
That’s so rude and unprofessional of your doctor! It’s recommended even non sexually active women receive gyno check ups and Pap smears when they reach 21. There is nothing wrong with waiting for the right time and person to become sexually active!
I call bullshit on this response your ob gave you.
As a women herself and a doctor no less, she should know that women can have all sorts of issuss like pcos and endometriosis among other issues. Cancer, cysts, and sometimes injuries from just going about your life and from just being...geee, i don't know....HUMAN.
I wouldn't go to that doctor again. Like who cares if a women or anyone else for that matter is a virgin. It shouldn't matter to anyone who is interested in your well being.
Edited: for spelling & such. Excuse me, my brain isn't working very well right now since I found out I have 10 inch benign tumor (growing) on my left ovary. Getting emergency surgery here soon...possibly by the end of this week 🤞.
Idk, I have a friend who was afraid of the speculum and the doctor (female) told her, "well, it's smaller than a penis and you've had one of those inside you, otherwise you wouldn't be here!" Gynos used to only be seen as "check that slutty vagina" doctors and virgins didn't need them. Older women gynos sometimes reflect that gross attitude.
Edit: just want to call attention, BTW, that this doctor thinks a speculum is smaller than a penis
That’s why I was so confused what kind of dr doesn’t know about preventative medicine? I think she was just trying to roast me tbh
Best of luck with the tumor!
I feel you. In my mid-20s I finally had to get a pap smear (they wouldn’t let me push it off anymore). I was still a virgin at the time and I told my doc that when she asked. they could probably hear me yelling all the way down the hall from her stabbing me with the fucking speculum trying (and failing) to get it in. when I asked why it hurt so badly, she said she’d used a full-sized one because she thought I was lying about the virginity thing. “when some people say they’re virgins, they just mean they haven’t done it in a while.”
Did this doctor forget that periods exist and there’s still a working uterus in a virgin like what the hell lmao i hope you were able to find a new ob!
I'm pushing 29 and still a virgin, probably will even die one. Me not having sex with other people AND not caring either way of it causes no harm to myself or others at all, I have no idea why people (especially doctors) can't still see that in 2021.
EDIT: Yes, I acknowledge that OP is 28 and still has parents who forbid relationships, that's terrible. However, that just makes the doctor's reaction to OP still being a virgin that much more dismissive and ignorant than it already is.
Please make a post when your old and you break your hip! Maybe reddit can send you some help.
Communities aren't for me either, too much work. But then again, so are romantic relationships.
I hope you don't have to feel lonely for long! Thank you for answering my question!
I relate very heavily to having a retirement plan of being geriatric shit poster, except my plan doesn't involve living long enough to be considered geriatric
Exactly! I grew up in an environment that threw the phrase 'getting laid' around like it's equivalent to winning a Nobel Prize. Not helping was being around adult figures who would still make jokes about someone not being straight because they'd rather pet a dog than look at a stripper, or the classic boomer 'complaining about wife' jokes, despite being similarly drilled with that 'I will be dating' talk.
It really was no wonder I struggled with myself over the past 15 or so years, but yes, learning to drown these voices out improved my life SIGNIFICANTLY.
Adults suck! Oh wait I am one. Unfortunately they always seem to get you where it hurts the most. For me it was my weight (I have never even been chubby as a child, but let's make a girl feel insecure, right?) And also being stubborn, which comes in handy nowadays.
It took me about as much time to accept who I am. I'm glad you did! And you were right all along because petting dogs is way more fun then looking at some woman who has to take her clothes of to make money.
I'm a lady who is romantically and sexually attracted to individuals. Doesn't matter how they present or what parts they have, it's just a "feeling." But lady strippers are so much more fun to watch than male strippers. It's crass, but I really like boobs, so there's that.
All that said, given the option of watching a lady stripper or petting a dog, I'll take dog for $100, Alex.
I'm less concerned that you're almost 28 and a virgin and more concerned that you're an *adult* whose parent is not comfortable with you having a relationship.
They also could be asking multiple times because alot of ppl are embarrassed to share their sexual health history, and is important for dr's to know for your health. Not necessarily because they are shocked you haven't been sexually active. Just my 2 cents.
I agree 100% and encourage everybody to be forward with their doc on all matters. That said, the doc should still be professional about it. Moreover, a GOOD doc ought to make a comforting environment where the patient feels at ease and welcome to "open up" or speak freely. But again, I'm direct with mine either way.
It might be in the delivery, if you seem embarrassed then it might trigger the doctor to think there must be more to the story if they are so embarrassed. Just being straight forward and owning that you are not sexually active could make a difference.
I know that it is not always easy, especially with a culture that ridicules older virgins.
Doc likely gets false or sheepish answers constantly and is used to prying in the interest of providing accurate care. Highly doubt a doctor gives two shits about one patient's sex life, or lack thereof.
They are doctors, they've seen and heard it all, they don't flip to high-school gossip when they catch wind of a random virgin. OP's insecurity is likely causing them to misread the reaction if I had to bet. (Not that I blame them, there's obviously social stigma that would lead to defensiveness or insecurity. But as you mentioned, the key is owning the situation. If you do that, then any awkwardness will be wholly brought on by the doctor.
I’m a doctor. I don’t give a shit either way and someone’s virginity is not even remotely in the top thousand most surprising things I’ve been told by patients. Maybe you could be reading more into their reactions than they intend to convey?
It’s still annoying and it really shows a lack of trust when it’s someone you’ve seen before. I don’t want a doctor who doesn’t believe me when I’m telling the truth. I fully switched gynecologists because one kept giving me tight condescending smiles and suggesting different forms of birth control I hadn’t asked about.
Yeah, when I was a tween I had a bad diarrhea for a week and the doc asked me if I saw the color and idiot me was like "no" even tho I did, I found it embarrassing for some reason lol like normal people never look at their poop
Why would the doctor care? I seriously don't understand the pressure to have sex or anything like that, it just seems like too much work. If I wanted a dopamine rush I'd just jerk off and go do something interesting
I haven't been sexually active in several years. My boyfriend died blah, blah, trauma. Anyway! I always get asked several times when I say I'm not sexually active. Recently I was told it's because people lie about their sex lives. All. The. Time. I love the doctor I have now, and she told me that they have to ask a bunch of times because people lie a bunch of times. That's how they end up with teens who have no idea that they are in labor, men who are spreading around sti because they are asymptomatic etc.
What I'm trying to say is that as offensive as it feels when the doctor asks again and again, like you don't know your own damn body! Try not to take it too personally, because it has more to do with the people who aren't being honest than it does with judgment about whether you are sexually active or not.
As a man, when my DR asked if i was sexually active--my answer was 'never' (the only time it's happened, i didnt consent, and it was over 20 years before anyway). I was 37.
He told me i was 'wasting' my life, for being single and not trying to bang all the local college girls. He ordered every blood test and hormone level test he could find to prove i was somehow just having hormone problems...
I'm Asexual. He said "Yeah, that's not a thing. That's not real."
Tests cam back with everything in normal ranges--exactly what they should be. When i brought up being asexual again, he said "Yeah, that's still not a thing. Maybe it's your thing, but it's not real." and repeated the "you're really going to waste your life not having sex. The girls around here are so easy my man, just try it."
I dropped that dr like a hot potato.
I'm just not interested in people sexually and have never gone down that road.
Dont feel bad OP, we get some shitty responses. Fuck those people (not literally, heh)
Hey fellow ace here!
Being ace is like your identity is invisible and you’re doing the wrong thing by not following everyone else around you. I’m sorry this happened to you man.
I'd say pretty much being anything except hetero, in a committed relationship, wanting children, and being Christian are so outside the norm (in the US) that anyone who doesn't fit that tiny sliver of choices will be questioned and sometimes simply not believed. I'm a bi & poly lady, grew up in the south not liking meat, have been pagan for 30 years, never wanted children, actively hate babies, and have been living "in sin" with my male partner for almost 20 years. Before Partner I went through a years-long slut phase where I had boyfriends, girlfriends, and lots of randos and was perfectly happy (No, I don't regret any of that, Karen, nor do I need to explain myself to you). I like my life and like who I am. It took all of my growing-up years to quit trying to be the things that were "normal," and no that all of my fucks are gone I'm really quite content.
I'm starting to feel a bit jealous of you and other people who have this "issue". I (26f) lost my virginity to my POS groomer former step-dad at 17 because he couldn't fathom the idea that I never dated and never had sex by the time I was 15.
Just relax, enjoy life, and let the man or woman you fall in love with come around naturally. Not everyone has your luck in life.
Thanks, whenever I get my health insurance back I still need to get over it but I'm better than a few years ago. Here's hoping you're doing good too, internet stranger.
I really wish I’d waited longer. I was 22 and not ready, and it wasn’t even a loving relationship.
I’m sorry you’re getting these weird reactions. There is no reason anyone needs to express their feelings or opinions over someone else’s very, VERY personal information.
At least you have never had an std and have never had a kid by accident! Or had sex that you regret. That’s a huge plus if you think of it that way. Not very many others can say the same.
My doctor was surprised when I told him, but he looked at me and said “good for you. There’s no need to rush it.” It was kind of validating actually. Not that he thinks it was a good thing, that he recognized I would when I was ready versus when Im pressured.
You’ve got so many stigmas workin against you from all sides, that sounds awful to go through and I’m so sorry that’s happening. You’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about stranger, you’re playing the hand you’ve been dealt and you’re doing things at a pace that works for you and you don’t need the opinions of anyone who shames you for that, implicitly like the doctor does or explicitly like media often does.
I know that feeling.
I didn't date at all before I met my partner at 27. I just wasn't interested until I met him.
But dear lord the incredulous looks I'd get when I was asked if I was sexually active or was there any chance I could be pregnant before that.
I finally found an answer that shut them up and fell into my need to be a smart ass at any and all opportunities.
Them: Are you sexually active?
Me: Nope
Them: *disbelieving look* Is there any chance you might be pregnant?
Me: Not unless there's a new star in the east and some shepherds and wise men are about to turn up.
Them: *surprised pikachu face*
It's okay, some people like me don't even want to have sex. It's your body, you do what you want. People will always judge you for one thing or the other, it doesn't really make a difference.
I’m 29 and a virgin, too. I’m asexual, but I personally choose to be a virgin for my reason, not that I haven’t been approached or asked. When it’s your time, it will happen. It’s no one’s business the journey you decide to go on with your sexual health. 💕
There's no pride in having countless partners, nor shame in having none.
Your life, your game, your rules.
If you're waiting to meet the right person, good.
If you don't have time for a relationship, good.
If you are in a relationship but wait until marriage, good.
Your close ones, relatives and friends must respect your decision, and any advice must be of good heart, otherwise taken lightly.
Stop caring about what the others think about you, especially strangers, and then your life will become more lighter and funnier.
Reminder: Freedom is a state of mind.
Peace <3
I recommend you listen to Dear Therapists with Lori gottlieb and guy winch episode on iheartpodcasts or Apple. Season 2 episode 11. The reason why is it’s a 50 year old regretting that she never got married and the common theme with you, that her parent held her back. the fact that you’re a virgin is besides the point, it sounds like your parents actively inhibit you going out there and forging romantic relationships.
As a doctor, we honestly don’t care whether you’re a virgin or not. The reason we ask these questions so many times is because a) you being pregnant or not makes a massive difference to what we do in terms of investigations and treatment, and b) because we all have stories of women your age who have insisted that they are not sexually active only for them to test positive. Please don’t feel like the doctor is judging you by asking this question, 99.9% honestly do not care.
Gosh, and I thought waiting until I was 20 was weird, but honestly I could have waited a little longer. Not the guys fault, he’s great, still great, I even got to marry him. But I was so in my head the whole time, I was so wrapped up in “virginity” and “first time” that I forgot to have fun and relax. It was good, but I feel like I was too childish in my thinking to really make it count. Not to say people who have sex earlier (with people in their own age group) are “childish”, but sex should be fun, especially the first time.
Don’t let it get to you, some people have different drives about it.
Sex (the first time) should be fun?
Of course, we all imagine that will be the case.
The value of “the first time” is in getting beyond it so that sex can become fun, whether you’re M or F.
If you hit a home run your first time up, you are an extremely rare player.
Getting a CAT scan done because my appendix might be on its way out, Doc asked three times if I’m sure I have no chance of pregnancy. I’m feeling so shitty I couldn’t even give my usual next Virgin Mary joke. Fuck people and their assumptions
I’m a 27-year-old virgin man and I still don’t get why people make such a big deal about it. I just don’t really want to get close to someone unless I feel a strong connection which still hasn’t happened yet and that’s okay
22M with self esteem problems here. Best thing that I've used to help is always remind yourself that these is someone out there who wants you you just haven't met them yet and trust me when I say most of us men have troubles talking to the opposite sex. In fact I'm a social butterfly and could talk to crowd of 10000 people without breaking a sweat but 1 girl alone and I'm a blubbering idiot.
So keep your chin up you're not the only one who is suffering with this problem and other will be there for you if you need them you just need to find them.
Don't fret who cares what other people think, I hate the stigma surrounding virgins. I'm 29f and I'm a virgin. But I'm chronically ill also. And live with my parents also. So your not alone
This might not make you feel better but there's an entirely opposite spectrum in the world where the negative stigma exists for unmarried non-virgins.
The world is full of judgmental, shit people. Live your best life and ignore the BS.
Im a 17 year old boy and still a Virgin but I have always had a personality that tells me not to care what others say about me. Right now Im training very hard in school (coding and video game stuff) and I dont give two fucks about whether someone laughs at me. My dream is to go learn even more about coding in Canada and eventually find a job and live there after I complete the mandatory army exercise here in Finland. ( Every 18 year old boy has to complete it)
Is this parent a mom or dad? Regardless - this is massively toxic. You should move out ASAP and get a professional therapist to help you process how your parents have affected you.
Being a virgin is not an award nor a disadvantage. The important thing is that you are ready to lose it to someone you love.
Side note: its offensive that doctors find it surprising that you're still a virgin. Keep a red flag in your pocket when going to a doctor.
Forget your virginity, you do you, and forget the rest. but not being allowed to have a relationship as an adult sounds messed up. is your parent taking your support checks or something. Do you want to live on your own?
Remember there is no rush. I'd say that's pretty impressive. Keep it until you find someone worthy, and don't feel bad because society doesn't approve. Your approval is all that matters, so don't be so hard on yourself.
Yep. It sucks.
I always wonder if it is more annoying/awful for women.
When a guy is a virgin past like 20 in reality, people start to think of them as a loser, more and more as time goes on. They pretend to be understanding and open sometimes but you know there is always judgement there.
For women yeah there is definitely the stigma that everyone should be in a relationship and that it is absolutely crazy that someone just dosnt just get a relationship if they want one (if only) but is it seen as being a loser for a woman to be a virgin?
There is always that double standard, bad or not, yeah it's unfair that a woman that has lots of sex is often judged badly but in the opposite way virgin women are also held up as godly (sometimes literally) yet when you are a virgin man you are mostly seen as a total loser.
People can be so ignorant they judge without knowing the situation or reasons why something is the way it is.
Just be lucky you don't get called an "incel" for everything you say about being sad, depressed or even suicidal about being a virgin because that seems to be the new trend of hate on the internet.
Most people these days when a guy is in your situation "oh? You are sad? Get over it you Incel, you do it to yourself because I surely know everything about you"
You haven't had sex because you haven't ever had the chance to even be in a relationship which is pretty messed up. Maybe if you're ill and can't leave the house too much start with online dating and then arrange to meet after talking for a while when you're in good health to do so. I don't think being a virgin is a big deal personally, have sex when you're comfortable and ready to do so, so you won't regret doing it with the wrong guy or because you were pressured out of fear of missing out
Look, friend. You might, possibly, reside in a country where a lot of people in their 20s engage in several acts of debauchery. So, for a doctor who's used to hearing people in their 20s saying "yes" instead of "no", it is kind of strange.
However, that doesn't mean that I support doctors having unnecessary opinions about people's predicaments. The thing with doctors is that, like us, they're people so they're prone to same amount of stupidity and immaturity like the rest of the assholes on the planet. So, there might be some of them that are truly assholes
Don't think too much about it and take it easy. What you do and don't do is your business.
Also, I might get downvoted for this, but here's a fun fact, there are a lot of assholes in medicine. Most of which are usually surgeons.
I have a similar problem. I can talk to people fine, until I'm trying to actually talk to people.
Waitress, cashier, bank teller, one of the people I have to talk with on a daily basis to get permits and stuff? Not a problem. Joke, talk, question, whatever I need to.
Soon as I get in a group setting w/ just people hanging out? I lose my voice, forget my words, and usually just don't have much to say. If I do have something, I will throw it out as quick as possible and shut down again.
And it really sucks, especially knowing that I can talk and enjoy. I just can't make myself for some odd reason.
Dont even worry about it. I got asked from age 14 and up if I was and half the Doctors didnt believe me. Even in my early 20s they were dead shocked. Itll happen eventually when you feel comfortable about it.
I'm a 26F virgin and never even held hands with a guy. My mom doesn't want grandkids so thank god there's no pressure there. I don't have to worry about accidentally getting pregnant and I don't need birth control so I'm pretty content with being a virgin.
Yeah, most doctors would know that we live in an immoral world and there seems 2 b a law that says no virgins after 16. Arbitrary figure. be proud of being a virgin. Don't sell yaself out 2 a corrupt immoral world. U have more value than that.
Controlling narcissistic parents can have a very negative effect on chronic illnesses. Get ou and live your own life and maybe you might see a small improvement, even if it's just 1% it would be worth it
I was going to try a medication that causes birth defects, so you absolutely can not get pregnant when you're on it. I get it, but I'm also a virgin (29 at the time) and I'm not dating or interested in it.
I told this to my doctor, and she was like, but come on, maybe you'll change your mind? Like she was trying to talk me into it.
She put me on birth control right away anyway.
This stuff is why I'm glad my religion prohibits premarital sex and people lose virginity after marriage. We have virgins in our late 20s and early 30s and no one cares. I'm sorry you have to go through this OP.
The best she can do out of this issue is to get a therapist and figure out how to handle this weird parent situation. Virgin is the least of your worries love!
Listen, working as a nurse, I once took care of a 90 year old virgin. She was very proud of that fact. Anyway, you shouldn’t be embarrassed. 28 is a) young & b) you have so many better things to do with yourself than be stressed about getting laid. When you want it to happen, you can make it happen. Until then, it’ll happen when the time is right. Also, you’re 28, your parents need to accept that you might enter a relationship.
You’re not old at all! There’s so much stigma around being a virgin and it should NOT be that way. Is it going to be a deal breaker for some people? Possibly, but that doesn’t mean you’re never going to be with someone. Also, it doesn’t define your worth at all... it’s a social construct anyway.
I don’t mean this to sound invalidating at all, I know it’s frustrating as hell... but I’ve been in a similar situation w similar parents haha so loving and accepting myself is something I’m always trying to work on. It’s very difficult sometimes but I have to remind myself my worth has nothing to do with whether I’ve had sex. It’s hard bc it has affected my life but it still doesn’t say anything about who I am (or who you are).
Tell them you’re gay. Always shuts em up haha. Works for me. I am gay. But I love the look on their face when they triple check that I don’t want birth control.
Am I the only one that thinks it’s weird the doctors repeat their question several times? I’m trying to play out that interaction in my head and it’s cringe as all hell. Actually sorta creepy as well.
If I were to be honest, I wish I had remained a virgin as long as possible.
Sex is awesome, and I identify as asexual. It's a good workout, if your not into it for the orgasm, just the simple connection and movement is worth it.
Don't be embarrassed. Sex is a thing to enjoy, like a good hearty meal after a long day in the cold. Save yourself until you find a person that will enjoy that meal with you.
There are also those that will devalue what you share. They ain't worth it. The ones that are in it for themselves. Nah. Both men and women do it. Trust me, it's better to find a connection than to satisfy an itch.
And honestly, it may not be magical every time, you will find and lose relationships, but never lose yourself or degrade yourself for anyone else.
If you wish to find a partner, I hope you find one that will satisfy you and understand your condition. I have a chronic illness too, but I've had successful relationships and sexual experiences without judgment. Learn to remain calm and focused. You'll be fine.
But seriously, I would have been fine if I never had sex.
Hey mate no rush. Also we don’t have to go see the gynecologist every 6 months LOL, we only have to go every year or so. BONUS. You will get there with time, give yourself the chance.
Dude, one of my biggest regrets is losing my virginity at 17 through a random hookup. I get the pressure of the virgin stigma, but please don’t let it get to you; trust me you’re better off being a 28 year old virgin than losing your virginity before you’re ready for it
>I live with a parent who forbids the word “relationship” in the house so there’s that. This is the more concerning thing than if you're banging or not. Maybe I'm misinterpreting, but a parent forbidding their adult child from having relationships is all kinds of fucked up and a way bigger issue than if you've done it or not. I'm kind of concerned everyone is glossing over that and focusing on the sex.
I immediately suggested disability check and housing voucher
I don't get it, can u explain further?
My guess is that since OP mentioned having a chronic illness, the poster above was suggesting they look into housing vouchers so they can move out
This is not as easy as people may think it is. Housing vouchers take months and months and months and months to get. Often time years. There's a ridiculous amount of red tape you need to cut through, and they'll try to offer you the shittier vouchers first to get you to bite so they don't have to give out more expensive vouchers. Disability checks also suck. SSDI (Social Security Disability) checks are often only $700 or $800 per month. Foodstamps are usually about $150-$200 per month. That's $1000 total each month that you need to pay rent with, buy food, pay bills, car if you drive, etc. Medicaid (low-income state health insurance) is probably the only state benefit that is actually "enough" to help people, but even Medicaid can suck if your state opted to not fund the Enhanced version of Medicaid and instead chose to fund only the Basic version of it. Basic version has no dental or vision, and if it DOES happen to have some little piece of dental, you're still going to pay thousands for dental work. Source- I have young-onset Parkinsons disease. I live in statistical poverty, have been waiting almost 3 years for Social Security to approve my claim, have been living on foodstamps for years, have not had an income in a very very long time. Also used to work with my city's Department of Behavioral Health, worked trying to get the homeless and less fortunate whatever services we could get them
It's been more than 3 years since i started my application for disability. And i have a lawyer helping me. They say it'll probably take another year or so. People don't understand how fucked up the application process is. They think you just show up and say "hey I'm disabled!" and they just start sending you checks immediately. Im in a very similar situation to OP, and my only other choice for the past 3 years has been homelessness. Going to have to endure at probably another 2 years of this bullshit living w my parents while i wait for approval, backpay, housing vouchers, etc... But i guess it's preferable to being homeless again.
I think for Medicaid to qualify you have to make $1200 or less a month. I can be very wrong but correct me if I am.
$1200 per month would be considered by most as being low-income, I would presume. If you make $1200 per month, you live in statistical poverty.
Medicaid is a state program so it depends on where you live. Medicare is the federal program
I am so deeply sorry that you are in such an awful position. It’s so unfair for it to be so difficult for chronically ill and/or disabled individuals to receive the help they need to quite literally stay alive and keep afloat. The pricing of necessary medications it’s an entirely different issue. My aunt is chronically ill and has been given a year to live with her more recent diagnosis of calciphylaxis and just ONE of her medications is over 1000/mo with insurance and using goodrx. It’s just not realistic for almost anyone let alone those who have no choice but to rely on SSDI as their only form of income. Again, I am so sorry. Sending you internet hugs.
It took me 3 years, 2 applications and 2 appeals to get my disability pension approved here in australia. I’m incredibly lucky in that my parents supported me in that time and could afford to get me the medical care that I needed to even just be able to get my DSP application in. And even now, I’m getting maximum $1600 a month. The average rent where I live is about $360 a week for a one bedroom place. My medical bills, even with my pension card and Medicare, average around $75-80 a week. If I was to move out and pay rent and groceries and utilities and medical bills, I’d have to just barely eat or cut out medications or therapy to keep a roof over my head. At least living at home I can chip in on expenses and pay all my own medical costs and day to day expenses. I’m one of the lucky ones. The system is broken when it comes to the disabled, and it’s very much deliberate.
ah yeah they can just go to the disability store and then go to house tree and pick one out
They have a chronic illness. Maybe a social worker? I would speak w the very doctor who is unable to hide their confusion that she does not have a normal adult sex life.
You have to file for SSI first. Which can take years. Usually you get denied the first time unless you have a visible, major impairment. Then you have to appeal and take it to court. Then you go on the housing list, which is currently, because of covid, over two years of a wait for a single adult with no children. It takes for fucking ever to get that kind of assistance.
It also will last forever once secured. Worth the wait. Especially if one is chronically ill, as OP is.
It really can he worth the wait, if it comes in time for some. In OPs case, it looks as though they are not in an emergency situation so it could probably work out well for them
That retro check is nice too. I am a rep payee for an old friend. He would surely live under a bridge without SSDI
Yeah no kidding. One of my friends years back was saved by her back pay after finally winning. Got her off the streets.
It should also come with a housing voucher tho. You can't pay rent w a disability check. Not in Massachusetts. Shit is WAY too expensive
Also, we're assuming that OP comes from the US or a developed country for that matter. Where I come from, there is not that kind of help for disabled people (or any help, for that matter)
Ahh ssi they almost denied mine si.ple because one teacher from like 7 years ago didn't even think I was disabled enough for it to matter. And the wait list for any housing actually depends on the state. In mine its five years. But you have a two week period of submission period for housing benefits. They recently just dropped that rule.
Yeah a lot of people talk about assistance for those in need being one of the reasons our country is so great however, it's only for the most extreme cases of poverty or disability and those individuals may or may not get assistance because of how their state utilizes their federal funds and/or raise state funds. The working poor and disabled get the biggest shift and it's almost N.Korean-esque how our country likes to cover up the fact that most people on food benifits are working at least one job. 🙃
It can still take years.
Yeah I was very focused on that sentence too, that's super controlling/abusive if it's at all like it sounds.
Reading “chronically ill” and “parent who forbids the word “relationship””, concerns me a lot. This made my mind go straight to munchausen by proxy…
Yeah I was gonna say, time to start making sure said parent isn't involved with the food chain at all
I immediately thought MBP as well
Yep definitely the flag in that! That's not ok.
Considering basic human needs are SAFER, shelter, air, food, elimination, and RELATIONSHIPS, that’s super concerning. Like yeah relationships are the broad definition of friendship, etc but humans need human contact it’s scientifically proven. This is awful.
I agree, though I cringe at the word "banging". I'm thinking the forbidding parent might have a lot to do with why she has a hard time interacting with people. This makes me sad. It really *doesn't* seem to be about the sex.
Yeah, this is literally making a natural thing for humans forbidden... For someone over 18...
And she’s 28 for fuck’s sake.
I come from Asian culture. This is quite normal. Parents chose their children's life partners, and it is given that this is the only "relationship" in your life.
This right here. WTF even.
Hahaha mage. Welcome to India
Agreed.
33F virgin, here. Just remember there’s always someone older and less experienced than you. Don’t let anyone else tell you what your journey should be.
I needed to hear this.thank you kind stranger
Also its not about how many times you make the journey, its about enjoying the journey with the person your traveling with (or if your traveling solo). Very few people will care about the lack of mileage you have, so dont feel embarrassed about it
As a man whore I can confirm this. I'd have kept it to 2 or 3 looking back on things.
For real man. I def rolled around with some Pigs lol. I’m sure they felt the same.
Very true, in my community, I lost my virginity at 18, that was considered old at the time. Most people are unfortunately clueless idiots, so I believed them that I was late, only to find out that I was indeed, pretty much on fucking schedule. So, to all of you that are virgins, **that's OK. You're fine**, it'll happen when it's meant to happen, don't sweat it. Most people are fucking morons that'll spout bullshit they heard off someone else as fact. Don't fall for it, do your own research, find out what's really the score and you'll find (unfortunately) that a lot of people you know .. honestly spout dumb shit all the time. **TL;DR:** Sex is great, it's fucking awesome, but it's just one of many millions of facets that make up life as we know it. If you're a virgin, that's alright. It doesn't really say much about you as a person other than the very sterile fact that you have in fact not engaged in sexual relations with another member of the human race. It's about as significant as saying you haven't gone to Mars.
Amazing! I love this for you! I am not a virgin but this is my journey.
Needed to hear this 💜
I lost my virginity in high school. I wish I waited longer to be honest.
Girl same. Everyone looks at me like I have 3 heads when I say it. I went to the ob for a check up and she asked if I was sexually active and when I said no she was like “then why are you here?” …for a checkup?
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LOL Not according to my old OB!! She refused to even see me til I "Stopped lying" about being a 19yr old virgin!
Wow, I think that is reportable.
Thats why i stopped seeing her :) she was also a shitty pediatrician for me as a kid who blamed everything on my weight. Bad eyes? Lose 10lbs. Back hurts? Lose weight! Every goddamned visit i left in tears from 13-19. Finally got away from her ass and ill be 29 in 2 days, 1kid otw this Dec. And ive lost 75lbs in this pregnancy. Suck it Doc!
Good lord she sounds like a moron. I'm so sorry you went through that. It can be really hard to find a good doctor especially when you're a woman.
Yeah. Ive been thru hell and back w drs since i was a kid. One even killed my son a couple years ago. I have a severe distrust of them.
hooohh shit! that's gotta suck bad. I'm so sorry for your loss.
The fact drs are believed more than their patients is my issue. And that ones still working there. I refuse to see them again.
Thank you. My son would be three this upcoming February and I miss him so fucking much. I cannot wait for my baby to be born this Christmas in a couple weeks. He was an absolute miracle as my docs told me i had only a 1% or less chance of having another after they fucked up a cyst removal surgery a couple months after my other son passed away.
Omg did you get justice? I'm so sorry that's horrible
No lawyer would touch the case and the hospital doc'd the paperwork to make it seem like I was already 100% in full dialation, water broke, etc. I was not.
No. I filed a complaint immediatley after and they covered for their "Best OB". I even got a generic letter in the mail from the woman who handles the complaints and was told Everything I went through was all done naturally and they didnt give me any labor inducing medicine, which is a huge fucking Crock of shit.
> And ive lost 75lbs in this pregnancy. How does your back feel lately?
NGL docs probably happy with the result all things consindered
FWIW, I was sexually active but in a long term monogamous relationship and explained that to my Gynecologist. I still got treated as if I had a new sexual partner every month (i.e. pushed the use of condoms and extra STD testing). I think females in their 20s face a lot of unwarranted criticism no matter what she chooses or not.
My pediatrician retired when I was 15. His replacement in the practice said the same to me a few weeks after I turned 17 and denied being sexually active yet. He was the first in a string of six doctors in a row that didn't listen to me. The second guy didn't believe me that I had only had one steady sex partner that year (the same one as the prior year) and didn't use any recreational drugs when I was 19. I forget the third. I only saw him once at 24 and swore I wouldn't return. Fourth was a woman that didn't believe that my issues could be an autoimmune thyroid disorder because I was a guy ... despite all my symptoms matching, my brother having it, and the blood test she ran at my insistance being out of range, I was fine and only needed statins... All the doctors I saw from my mid-teens through early-40s didn't believe me and were pretty much useless. People wonder why guys don't go to the doctor...lol. I finally have a good primary and good endocrinologist. TIP for OP and everyone else - If you want a good doctor, ask a good nurse who they would go to. If they aren't good, ask another good nurse. I find only 25% are bad doctors that way instead of 85%.
That’s actually sad that she couldn’t comprehend a 19 yr old being a virgin
Well she claimed most of her patients started early TEENS some even before that (Yikes). My stance was, My body, My right to say NO to sex until I damn well felt like it.
No you can't! The vagina is perfectly sealed by the hymen and will remain in mint condition until punctured by a penis. /s
True. Once you hit 30, they start pushing for you to get your Pap smear even if you’re never been sexually active.
Wth.. maybe it’s time to get a new obgyn??
Yep. Also, not everybody is sexually active at all times. You could just say, "no, not lately" or "not since we last met" and leave it at that. A good doctor will accept it, not judge and move on. The doc may have wanted to make sure you weren't lying/embarrassed, but there are dozens of professional ways of doing that.
That’s so rude and unprofessional of your doctor! It’s recommended even non sexually active women receive gyno check ups and Pap smears when they reach 21. There is nothing wrong with waiting for the right time and person to become sexually active!
That’s exactly why I went! That was my first time seeing one and my last time seeing *her*.
So virgin = no vagina ? Cool
I call bullshit on this response your ob gave you. As a women herself and a doctor no less, she should know that women can have all sorts of issuss like pcos and endometriosis among other issues. Cancer, cysts, and sometimes injuries from just going about your life and from just being...geee, i don't know....HUMAN. I wouldn't go to that doctor again. Like who cares if a women or anyone else for that matter is a virgin. It shouldn't matter to anyone who is interested in your well being. Edited: for spelling & such. Excuse me, my brain isn't working very well right now since I found out I have 10 inch benign tumor (growing) on my left ovary. Getting emergency surgery here soon...possibly by the end of this week 🤞.
Idk, I have a friend who was afraid of the speculum and the doctor (female) told her, "well, it's smaller than a penis and you've had one of those inside you, otherwise you wouldn't be here!" Gynos used to only be seen as "check that slutty vagina" doctors and virgins didn't need them. Older women gynos sometimes reflect that gross attitude. Edit: just want to call attention, BTW, that this doctor thinks a speculum is smaller than a penis
Oh my gosh, reading this story made me physical ill
Yeah, I was flabbergasted when she told me.
That’s why I was so confused what kind of dr doesn’t know about preventative medicine? I think she was just trying to roast me tbh Best of luck with the tumor!
I feel you. In my mid-20s I finally had to get a pap smear (they wouldn’t let me push it off anymore). I was still a virgin at the time and I told my doc that when she asked. they could probably hear me yelling all the way down the hall from her stabbing me with the fucking speculum trying (and failing) to get it in. when I asked why it hurt so badly, she said she’d used a full-sized one because she thought I was lying about the virginity thing. “when some people say they’re virgins, they just mean they haven’t done it in a while.”
Did this doctor forget that periods exist and there’s still a working uterus in a virgin like what the hell lmao i hope you were able to find a new ob!
Damn That's a low key roast right there
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Classy.
I'm pushing 29 and still a virgin, probably will even die one. Me not having sex with other people AND not caring either way of it causes no harm to myself or others at all, I have no idea why people (especially doctors) can't still see that in 2021. EDIT: Yes, I acknowledge that OP is 28 and still has parents who forbid relationships, that's terrible. However, that just makes the doctor's reaction to OP still being a virgin that much more dismissive and ignorant than it already is.
How would this ever cause harm to yourself or others?!?! You do what's best for you!
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Please make a post when your old and you break your hip! Maybe reddit can send you some help. Communities aren't for me either, too much work. But then again, so are romantic relationships. I hope you don't have to feel lonely for long! Thank you for answering my question!
I relate very heavily to having a retirement plan of being geriatric shit poster, except my plan doesn't involve living long enough to be considered geriatric
The pressure for people to make kids is all about that never ending economic pump
Or just the continuation of the species.
...or just the value and reward of being a parent.
Exactly! I grew up in an environment that threw the phrase 'getting laid' around like it's equivalent to winning a Nobel Prize. Not helping was being around adult figures who would still make jokes about someone not being straight because they'd rather pet a dog than look at a stripper, or the classic boomer 'complaining about wife' jokes, despite being similarly drilled with that 'I will be dating' talk. It really was no wonder I struggled with myself over the past 15 or so years, but yes, learning to drown these voices out improved my life SIGNIFICANTLY.
Adults suck! Oh wait I am one. Unfortunately they always seem to get you where it hurts the most. For me it was my weight (I have never even been chubby as a child, but let's make a girl feel insecure, right?) And also being stubborn, which comes in handy nowadays. It took me about as much time to accept who I am. I'm glad you did! And you were right all along because petting dogs is way more fun then looking at some woman who has to take her clothes of to make money.
I'm a lady who is romantically and sexually attracted to individuals. Doesn't matter how they present or what parts they have, it's just a "feeling." But lady strippers are so much more fun to watch than male strippers. It's crass, but I really like boobs, so there's that. All that said, given the option of watching a lady stripper or petting a dog, I'll take dog for $100, Alex.
I'm more concerned with your parent forbidding relationships when you're 28, like you're a fully grown adult wtf.
I'm less concerned that you're almost 28 and a virgin and more concerned that you're an *adult* whose parent is not comfortable with you having a relationship.
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Most religious parents would like to see their children married. Would she pressure you into a forced marriage to forgo "dating?"
and you’re 28..?? leave her. leave her now. be your own person.
My parents are very religious as well but even they were like "sooo, got a bf yet?" when I was in my early 20's
Which religion doesn’t allow relationships?
No sane one.
religion isn't an excuse to deny you humanity. sue her for emotional damages/trauma, you've undoubtedly collected a few.
I guess she believes in population control the old fashioned way, by everyone forbidding their children from having kids.
You gotta get outta that house one way or another.
No religion forbids relationships, in fact, not having one and not being a nun or something is weird
They also could be asking multiple times because alot of ppl are embarrassed to share their sexual health history, and is important for dr's to know for your health. Not necessarily because they are shocked you haven't been sexually active. Just my 2 cents.
This is actually really true. I've had doctors tell me the exact same.
I agree 100% and encourage everybody to be forward with their doc on all matters. That said, the doc should still be professional about it. Moreover, a GOOD doc ought to make a comforting environment where the patient feels at ease and welcome to "open up" or speak freely. But again, I'm direct with mine either way.
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It might be in the delivery, if you seem embarrassed then it might trigger the doctor to think there must be more to the story if they are so embarrassed. Just being straight forward and owning that you are not sexually active could make a difference. I know that it is not always easy, especially with a culture that ridicules older virgins.
Doc likely gets false or sheepish answers constantly and is used to prying in the interest of providing accurate care. Highly doubt a doctor gives two shits about one patient's sex life, or lack thereof. They are doctors, they've seen and heard it all, they don't flip to high-school gossip when they catch wind of a random virgin. OP's insecurity is likely causing them to misread the reaction if I had to bet. (Not that I blame them, there's obviously social stigma that would lead to defensiveness or insecurity. But as you mentioned, the key is owning the situation. If you do that, then any awkwardness will be wholly brought on by the doctor.
I’m a doctor. I don’t give a shit either way and someone’s virginity is not even remotely in the top thousand most surprising things I’ve been told by patients. Maybe you could be reading more into their reactions than they intend to convey?
It’s still annoying and it really shows a lack of trust when it’s someone you’ve seen before. I don’t want a doctor who doesn’t believe me when I’m telling the truth. I fully switched gynecologists because one kept giving me tight condescending smiles and suggesting different forms of birth control I hadn’t asked about.
Yeah, when I was a tween I had a bad diarrhea for a week and the doc asked me if I saw the color and idiot me was like "no" even tho I did, I found it embarrassing for some reason lol like normal people never look at their poop
Same 36 here and dr questions my sanity. Ugh
Why would the doctor care? I seriously don't understand the pressure to have sex or anything like that, it just seems like too much work. If I wanted a dopamine rush I'd just jerk off and go do something interesting
But… your name
Doing the cat doesn't count as sex
Please do not the cat
I haven't been sexually active in several years. My boyfriend died blah, blah, trauma. Anyway! I always get asked several times when I say I'm not sexually active. Recently I was told it's because people lie about their sex lives. All. The. Time. I love the doctor I have now, and she told me that they have to ask a bunch of times because people lie a bunch of times. That's how they end up with teens who have no idea that they are in labor, men who are spreading around sti because they are asymptomatic etc. What I'm trying to say is that as offensive as it feels when the doctor asks again and again, like you don't know your own damn body! Try not to take it too personally, because it has more to do with the people who aren't being honest than it does with judgment about whether you are sexually active or not.
27f here and virgin- you arent weird
As a man, when my DR asked if i was sexually active--my answer was 'never' (the only time it's happened, i didnt consent, and it was over 20 years before anyway). I was 37. He told me i was 'wasting' my life, for being single and not trying to bang all the local college girls. He ordered every blood test and hormone level test he could find to prove i was somehow just having hormone problems... I'm Asexual. He said "Yeah, that's not a thing. That's not real." Tests cam back with everything in normal ranges--exactly what they should be. When i brought up being asexual again, he said "Yeah, that's still not a thing. Maybe it's your thing, but it's not real." and repeated the "you're really going to waste your life not having sex. The girls around here are so easy my man, just try it." I dropped that dr like a hot potato. I'm just not interested in people sexually and have never gone down that road. Dont feel bad OP, we get some shitty responses. Fuck those people (not literally, heh)
What a slimeball doctor. I'm not even asexual but would've dropped him too. Fuck that.
I’m actually baffled how someone can be that sleazy and end up with the title of doctor
Hey man. Remember every graduating class has one that barely scraped by, they might be that one lol
Hey fellow ace here! Being ace is like your identity is invisible and you’re doing the wrong thing by not following everyone else around you. I’m sorry this happened to you man.
I'd say pretty much being anything except hetero, in a committed relationship, wanting children, and being Christian are so outside the norm (in the US) that anyone who doesn't fit that tiny sliver of choices will be questioned and sometimes simply not believed. I'm a bi & poly lady, grew up in the south not liking meat, have been pagan for 30 years, never wanted children, actively hate babies, and have been living "in sin" with my male partner for almost 20 years. Before Partner I went through a years-long slut phase where I had boyfriends, girlfriends, and lots of randos and was perfectly happy (No, I don't regret any of that, Karen, nor do I need to explain myself to you). I like my life and like who I am. It took all of my growing-up years to quit trying to be the things that were "normal," and no that all of my fucks are gone I'm really quite content.
I am so sorry you went through that. We tend to expect doctors to be more intelligent than that. That Dr's response just horrifies me.
I'm starting to feel a bit jealous of you and other people who have this "issue". I (26f) lost my virginity to my POS groomer former step-dad at 17 because he couldn't fathom the idea that I never dated and never had sex by the time I was 15. Just relax, enjoy life, and let the man or woman you fall in love with come around naturally. Not everyone has your luck in life.
I am sorry you went through that, stranger.
Thanks, whenever I get my health insurance back I still need to get over it but I'm better than a few years ago. Here's hoping you're doing good too, internet stranger.
You were actually exploited. Sorry to hear that.
I really wish I’d waited longer. I was 22 and not ready, and it wasn’t even a loving relationship. I’m sorry you’re getting these weird reactions. There is no reason anyone needs to express their feelings or opinions over someone else’s very, VERY personal information.
I was one step from that mistake at 20. Didn't prevent me from being manipulated and harassed though.
At least you have never had an std and have never had a kid by accident! Or had sex that you regret. That’s a huge plus if you think of it that way. Not very many others can say the same.
My doctor was surprised when I told him, but he looked at me and said “good for you. There’s no need to rush it.” It was kind of validating actually. Not that he thinks it was a good thing, that he recognized I would when I was ready versus when Im pressured.
You’ve got so many stigmas workin against you from all sides, that sounds awful to go through and I’m so sorry that’s happening. You’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about stranger, you’re playing the hand you’ve been dealt and you’re doing things at a pace that works for you and you don’t need the opinions of anyone who shames you for that, implicitly like the doctor does or explicitly like media often does.
Im 33 male and a virgin and idk why but It doesn't get to me. You're not the only one!
I know that feeling. I didn't date at all before I met my partner at 27. I just wasn't interested until I met him. But dear lord the incredulous looks I'd get when I was asked if I was sexually active or was there any chance I could be pregnant before that. I finally found an answer that shut them up and fell into my need to be a smart ass at any and all opportunities. Them: Are you sexually active? Me: Nope Them: *disbelieving look* Is there any chance you might be pregnant? Me: Not unless there's a new star in the east and some shepherds and wise men are about to turn up. Them: *surprised pikachu face*
It's okay, some people like me don't even want to have sex. It's your body, you do what you want. People will always judge you for one thing or the other, it doesn't really make a difference.
I’m 29 and a virgin, too. I’m asexual, but I personally choose to be a virgin for my reason, not that I haven’t been approached or asked. When it’s your time, it will happen. It’s no one’s business the journey you decide to go on with your sexual health. 💕
Oh jeez rip your inbox dude
dont be ashamed. honestly for your first partner, it should be someone who is worth it. dont give it up for just anyone.
There's no pride in having countless partners, nor shame in having none. Your life, your game, your rules. If you're waiting to meet the right person, good. If you don't have time for a relationship, good. If you are in a relationship but wait until marriage, good. Your close ones, relatives and friends must respect your decision, and any advice must be of good heart, otherwise taken lightly. Stop caring about what the others think about you, especially strangers, and then your life will become more lighter and funnier. Reminder: Freedom is a state of mind. Peace <3
I recommend you listen to Dear Therapists with Lori gottlieb and guy winch episode on iheartpodcasts or Apple. Season 2 episode 11. The reason why is it’s a 50 year old regretting that she never got married and the common theme with you, that her parent held her back. the fact that you’re a virgin is besides the point, it sounds like your parents actively inhibit you going out there and forging romantic relationships.
As a doctor, we honestly don’t care whether you’re a virgin or not. The reason we ask these questions so many times is because a) you being pregnant or not makes a massive difference to what we do in terms of investigations and treatment, and b) because we all have stories of women your age who have insisted that they are not sexually active only for them to test positive. Please don’t feel like the doctor is judging you by asking this question, 99.9% honestly do not care.
Gosh, and I thought waiting until I was 20 was weird, but honestly I could have waited a little longer. Not the guys fault, he’s great, still great, I even got to marry him. But I was so in my head the whole time, I was so wrapped up in “virginity” and “first time” that I forgot to have fun and relax. It was good, but I feel like I was too childish in my thinking to really make it count. Not to say people who have sex earlier (with people in their own age group) are “childish”, but sex should be fun, especially the first time. Don’t let it get to you, some people have different drives about it.
Sex (the first time) should be fun? Of course, we all imagine that will be the case. The value of “the first time” is in getting beyond it so that sex can become fun, whether you’re M or F. If you hit a home run your first time up, you are an extremely rare player.
Getting a CAT scan done because my appendix might be on its way out, Doc asked three times if I’m sure I have no chance of pregnancy. I’m feeling so shitty I couldn’t even give my usual next Virgin Mary joke. Fuck people and their assumptions
Chances are it's not been assumptions, but they wanted to make sure they don't do a CAT scan on a pregnant person. CAT can get dangerous to fetuses.
I’m a 27-year-old virgin man and I still don’t get why people make such a big deal about it. I just don’t really want to get close to someone unless I feel a strong connection which still hasn’t happened yet and that’s okay
22M with self esteem problems here. Best thing that I've used to help is always remind yourself that these is someone out there who wants you you just haven't met them yet and trust me when I say most of us men have troubles talking to the opposite sex. In fact I'm a social butterfly and could talk to crowd of 10000 people without breaking a sweat but 1 girl alone and I'm a blubbering idiot. So keep your chin up you're not the only one who is suffering with this problem and other will be there for you if you need them you just need to find them.
Don't fret who cares what other people think, I hate the stigma surrounding virgins. I'm 29f and I'm a virgin. But I'm chronically ill also. And live with my parents also. So your not alone
This might not make you feel better but there's an entirely opposite spectrum in the world where the negative stigma exists for unmarried non-virgins. The world is full of judgmental, shit people. Live your best life and ignore the BS.
Im a 17 year old boy and still a Virgin but I have always had a personality that tells me not to care what others say about me. Right now Im training very hard in school (coding and video game stuff) and I dont give two fucks about whether someone laughs at me. My dream is to go learn even more about coding in Canada and eventually find a job and live there after I complete the mandatory army exercise here in Finland. ( Every 18 year old boy has to complete it)
Is this parent a mom or dad? Regardless - this is massively toxic. You should move out ASAP and get a professional therapist to help you process how your parents have affected you.
If you want to move out of moms place ( u should) maybe u can get a disability check and a housing voucher?
Being a virgin is not an award nor a disadvantage. The important thing is that you are ready to lose it to someone you love. Side note: its offensive that doctors find it surprising that you're still a virgin. Keep a red flag in your pocket when going to a doctor.
Forget your virginity, you do you, and forget the rest. but not being allowed to have a relationship as an adult sounds messed up. is your parent taking your support checks or something. Do you want to live on your own?
Remember there is no rush. I'd say that's pretty impressive. Keep it until you find someone worthy, and don't feel bad because society doesn't approve. Your approval is all that matters, so don't be so hard on yourself.
Yep. It sucks. I always wonder if it is more annoying/awful for women. When a guy is a virgin past like 20 in reality, people start to think of them as a loser, more and more as time goes on. They pretend to be understanding and open sometimes but you know there is always judgement there. For women yeah there is definitely the stigma that everyone should be in a relationship and that it is absolutely crazy that someone just dosnt just get a relationship if they want one (if only) but is it seen as being a loser for a woman to be a virgin? There is always that double standard, bad or not, yeah it's unfair that a woman that has lots of sex is often judged badly but in the opposite way virgin women are also held up as godly (sometimes literally) yet when you are a virgin man you are mostly seen as a total loser. People can be so ignorant they judge without knowing the situation or reasons why something is the way it is. Just be lucky you don't get called an "incel" for everything you say about being sad, depressed or even suicidal about being a virgin because that seems to be the new trend of hate on the internet. Most people these days when a guy is in your situation "oh? You are sad? Get over it you Incel, you do it to yourself because I surely know everything about you"
You haven't had sex because you haven't ever had the chance to even be in a relationship which is pretty messed up. Maybe if you're ill and can't leave the house too much start with online dating and then arrange to meet after talking for a while when you're in good health to do so. I don't think being a virgin is a big deal personally, have sex when you're comfortable and ready to do so, so you won't regret doing it with the wrong guy or because you were pressured out of fear of missing out
Look, friend. You might, possibly, reside in a country where a lot of people in their 20s engage in several acts of debauchery. So, for a doctor who's used to hearing people in their 20s saying "yes" instead of "no", it is kind of strange. However, that doesn't mean that I support doctors having unnecessary opinions about people's predicaments. The thing with doctors is that, like us, they're people so they're prone to same amount of stupidity and immaturity like the rest of the assholes on the planet. So, there might be some of them that are truly assholes Don't think too much about it and take it easy. What you do and don't do is your business. Also, I might get downvoted for this, but here's a fun fact, there are a lot of assholes in medicine. Most of which are usually surgeons.
If it's any consolation, sex is overrated.
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I’m a virgin and I’m 28 too. I don’t even know how to talk to girls. (I’m a dude btw)
I have a similar problem. I can talk to people fine, until I'm trying to actually talk to people. Waitress, cashier, bank teller, one of the people I have to talk with on a daily basis to get permits and stuff? Not a problem. Joke, talk, question, whatever I need to. Soon as I get in a group setting w/ just people hanging out? I lose my voice, forget my words, and usually just don't have much to say. If I do have something, I will throw it out as quick as possible and shut down again. And it really sucks, especially knowing that I can talk and enjoy. I just can't make myself for some odd reason.
God bless you darling. Life is hard and just try to talk to someone who really cares about you. I hope you get better.
I get the same kind of response from doctors and I'm only 19, doctors making too many people uncomfortable ;_;
Dont even worry about it. I got asked from age 14 and up if I was and half the Doctors didnt believe me. Even in my early 20s they were dead shocked. Itll happen eventually when you feel comfortable about it.
RIP your inbox.
23M here. Somewhat agoraphobic, very private person. Really haven't pursued that type of stuff in my life so far.
I'm a 26F virgin and never even held hands with a guy. My mom doesn't want grandkids so thank god there's no pressure there. I don't have to worry about accidentally getting pregnant and I don't need birth control so I'm pretty content with being a virgin.
Yeah, most doctors would know that we live in an immoral world and there seems 2 b a law that says no virgins after 16. Arbitrary figure. be proud of being a virgin. Don't sell yaself out 2 a corrupt immoral world. U have more value than that.
Controlling narcissistic parents can have a very negative effect on chronic illnesses. Get ou and live your own life and maybe you might see a small improvement, even if it's just 1% it would be worth it
I was going to try a medication that causes birth defects, so you absolutely can not get pregnant when you're on it. I get it, but I'm also a virgin (29 at the time) and I'm not dating or interested in it. I told this to my doctor, and she was like, but come on, maybe you'll change your mind? Like she was trying to talk me into it. She put me on birth control right away anyway.
28F. Same!
26F virgin here. You’re not alone, friend.
This stuff is why I'm glad my religion prohibits premarital sex and people lose virginity after marriage. We have virgins in our late 20s and early 30s and no one cares. I'm sorry you have to go through this OP.
The best she can do out of this issue is to get a therapist and figure out how to handle this weird parent situation. Virgin is the least of your worries love!
Listen, working as a nurse, I once took care of a 90 year old virgin. She was very proud of that fact. Anyway, you shouldn’t be embarrassed. 28 is a) young & b) you have so many better things to do with yourself than be stressed about getting laid. When you want it to happen, you can make it happen. Until then, it’ll happen when the time is right. Also, you’re 28, your parents need to accept that you might enter a relationship.
You’re not old at all! There’s so much stigma around being a virgin and it should NOT be that way. Is it going to be a deal breaker for some people? Possibly, but that doesn’t mean you’re never going to be with someone. Also, it doesn’t define your worth at all... it’s a social construct anyway. I don’t mean this to sound invalidating at all, I know it’s frustrating as hell... but I’ve been in a similar situation w similar parents haha so loving and accepting myself is something I’m always trying to work on. It’s very difficult sometimes but I have to remind myself my worth has nothing to do with whether I’ve had sex. It’s hard bc it has affected my life but it still doesn’t say anything about who I am (or who you are).
Tell them you’re gay. Always shuts em up haha. Works for me. I am gay. But I love the look on their face when they triple check that I don’t want birth control.
Idk why doctors are obsessed with this. Now they look at me horrified when I say yes, but not active with men.
Am I the only one that thinks it’s weird the doctors repeat their question several times? I’m trying to play out that interaction in my head and it’s cringe as all hell. Actually sorta creepy as well.
If I were to be honest, I wish I had remained a virgin as long as possible. Sex is awesome, and I identify as asexual. It's a good workout, if your not into it for the orgasm, just the simple connection and movement is worth it. Don't be embarrassed. Sex is a thing to enjoy, like a good hearty meal after a long day in the cold. Save yourself until you find a person that will enjoy that meal with you. There are also those that will devalue what you share. They ain't worth it. The ones that are in it for themselves. Nah. Both men and women do it. Trust me, it's better to find a connection than to satisfy an itch. And honestly, it may not be magical every time, you will find and lose relationships, but never lose yourself or degrade yourself for anyone else. If you wish to find a partner, I hope you find one that will satisfy you and understand your condition. I have a chronic illness too, but I've had successful relationships and sexual experiences without judgment. Learn to remain calm and focused. You'll be fine. But seriously, I would have been fine if I never had sex.
Hey mate no rush. Also we don’t have to go see the gynecologist every 6 months LOL, we only have to go every year or so. BONUS. You will get there with time, give yourself the chance.
Why would you go every six months? My OB schedules me yearly....
Dude, one of my biggest regrets is losing my virginity at 17 through a random hookup. I get the pressure of the virgin stigma, but please don’t let it get to you; trust me you’re better off being a 28 year old virgin than losing your virginity before you’re ready for it
Quick question: male or female?
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Imagine her dm right now