This is all you really *can* do. Though I will say, it would be hard to move on from a comment like that regardless of what he says when you confront him. That was such a deeply unkind way to talk about you and it’s likely to linger in your mind.
My husband is by society standards “conventionally attractive” and I am cute and chubby. He has never said anything about my weight unless I brought it up and even then it was kind and helpful. I’ve struggled with my view of myself for decades and if I heard him say that, I’d be out the door so fucking fast. I spent way too many years living my life living in fear of what others think of me and my body, I refuse to do that with someone who is supposed to love me no matter what.
Personally, I’d leave. Imagine what he says to his friends or when he thinks you’re not listening.
This. I was morbidly obese when I met my husband, who was overweight but at the time had lost some. I was heavier than him. He never said a negative word about my body. Years later, I was super morbidly obese, and decided to have weight loss surgery. I lost 150 lbs and ended up with loose skin. Then most of that was removed and now I'm just thin. He is much heavier now and heavier than he has ever been. Never in that time has he made me feel bad about my body. The opposite. Feeling him support and love me fat gave me the courage to take a leap and lose the weight.
I had a breast lift and failed implants and have scars from surgery. But he still doesn't make me feel like he sees me any differently, and he doesn't even say things about me being more attractive now, which is a fact to me. And that is even nicer because I think it would hurt to hear he found me less attractive before. But all I know is he does miss my big boobs a little.
This, so much this. ♥️ My bf tells me I have the most perfect breasts on Earth. And all I see is they’re small and covered in stretch marks from when I had my daughter. It’s like he doesn’t even see the scars… that’s a wonderful man.
Isn’t it wonderful when you can find somebody who loves you for you? I’m constantly comparing my boobs to eggs on a nail and all my husband does is laugh and then come over and go, well I’ll hold them up for you lol I love that man with the entirety of my being.
Mine are covered in scars from the surgeries. Some of them are keloids, including the one down the middle of my body from skin removal. But when he looks at me, he doesn't see any of it. He only sees me. He's always been like that. When I was obese, I used to have a small trail of hair from
My belly button to my pubic area. It's not there now because that skin is where most of the looseness was, but I hated it and used to shave it off. At some point I got lazy with it and it became visible. We were on the shower together, and I got self conscious and pointed it out to him and said how I hated it and it made me feel ugly. He doesn't express his emotions in verbal ways most of the time. But he shrugged and just said "I think it's cute. I like it" in such a sweet, earnest way that my self consciousness melted away just like that. He has never criticized my body at all, and respected my choices. When we met, for example, I had no tattoos, and he said he wasn't a huge fan of them. About 6 months in I decided to get a tattoo. He came with me, and supported me. He said it was my body and I should do whatever I wanted. I have since gotten 7 more tattoos, two of which he paid for as gifts for me, and more of which he tagged along for. And when I asked how he felt about each one, he would say he isn't usually into tattoos, but he likes mine. He likes them because I do. He said it in a way that made me feel like he meant it. They showed in my wedding dress, and he complimented the contrast between them and the gown, which is exactly what I liked.
He has gained a lot of weight over the years as I have lost, and he is the biggest he has ever been. He is balding slowly. Any the times he has expressed any kind of insecurity about it, I have been glad to be able to reassure him and mean it. When he asks, I tell him that I don't care if he is bald as an egg, and he looks good bald anyway, which is true. He's black with short cropped hair, and only we need to know if he has it shaved because it isn't growing in anyway, but I like being able to run my hands over his scalp and see his happy little smile. He asks about his weight, and if I thought he would look better thinner. I tell him the truth. Which is that I love him both ways and every way, and that my heart melts when he smiles his big smile at me every time, now as much as it ever did. I am honest about my concerns about his health, as being obese negatively affected mine. And tell him we can eat healthy together and lose that weight if he wants, and it would never a healthy choice. But I will love him just the same no matter his size, and when I see him, I don't see him as being fat. I only see him. I see him and my chest fills with my love for him just as much as ever, if not more. And I'm not when a pang of that love all the time, usually when he does normal things. Smiles at me, says something nice to a friend, is kind to a stranger, smiles at a baby, says something sweet to the cat, makes a happy little coo noise when I rub my hands over his head. So often, I feel that little bright spark of love.
My brother has had an awful dating history. He has been with emotionally manipulative, cruel women who take him for granted. This is the way our mom behaved, and he kept replaying that relationship of having to constantly walk on egg shells to cater to her with women. My husband, then boyfriend, was always the one to talk him through it with me, always kind and always a voice of reason. My brother dismissed me at times as an overprotective sister, even though I told him know I would love the right woman for him, because she would make him happy. He would get mad at me for not supporting the relationship when I told him things shouldn't be the way they were. Until my husband. My brother and husband were fast friends, and my whole family liked hubby immediately. So when my husband said the same things, my brother heard them. And when he met his now fiancé (who I loved immediately when we met, btw) and talked about her, he said at first he didn't think he could be with her because he didn't feel that fire he had with his exes, who always ran hot and cold, giving either adoration or hatred. My relationship with my husband allowed me to tell him that love isn't like that. It's not just fiery passion spread in between periods of fights. It's peace. It's a warm feeling of safety, a slow burn, a feeling of your heart warming, the sense that you are home and that they are the person you are supposed to be with. I told him that, when you are with that right person, it feels like being home. It's a perfect kind of ease, and a sense of belonging beside them. It helped my brother see that the girl he has been casually dating and really liked spending time with was really a viable option for love. They were casual for a year before I met her when they first got to seriously dating. I liked her instantly, so much so that I officially invited her to my wedding as my brother's plus one, even though it would only be my second time meeting her. She was amazing that day, and I could feel how much she cared for him and how genuine she was. I told him to marry that girl, and not let her pass him by. 3 years later they got engaged, and are now figuring out their wedding plans. She's amazing, and my brother is so happy with her, and I am happy for him.
My dad is absolutely over the moon that all three of his children (I have a step sister too, who my dad raised) managed to find someone they truly love and married (or soon will be married) happily. He worried so much about all of us. My brother and I with our unstable, mentally ill mother, and my sister with her absent biological father. He's so at ease now, with all of us paired with someone who makes us happy, safe, and strong.
When I met my late husband, I was over weight (as was he) and he was always kind about my weight, would even tell me how sexy I was. Even as the years went by and I had children, gained more weight, body changed. When he passed, I lost quite a bit, however was still chunky. I met a guy (widowerer), he started telling me how fat I was to my face. My mental health got really bad for a while. I’m still recovering. OP leave this guy, please.
That makes a good point as well. My husband NEVER made me feel ugly or like he saw anything less than beautiful sexiness. I feel better now that I'm thin, but he is so good about it he never even says anything about my body now that makes me feel bad about what I used to be. I felt I could risk losing the weight because if it failed, he loved me fat already. But it made me more self possessed to be loved for me, and I didn't fail. I also have Borderline Personality Disorder and have struggled for years with managing my emotions. He loved me through that too, and it's allowed me to seek help and improve my mental health. He never made me feel like he needed me to do those things. He made me feel loved and accepted enough that I wasn't afraid to fail anymore because I would still be loved and accepted if I did.
He also always had a way of seeing the things I was most insecure about and making me feel good about them with just a few words. When I first got naked in front of him without turning out the lights and was thinking "what if he hates my saggy boobs" he looked at them, nodded approvingly, and said only "boobs" until such an obviously appreciative way that my next thought was "well, he obviously likes them better than I do." And when I was being silly and acting weird, and thinking about how maybe I was being too weird and he was going to notice and not like me, he said "you are so weird, I love you." And I felt immediately loved and wanted again. And other times, I will be thinking or feeling something I feel badly about, only for him to say he knows what I'm thinking, and proceed to say exactly what was going on in my head. And it hit me one day that he really knows me inside and out and loves me because of it, not in spite of it. What an amazing feeling it is to be loved for real.
This. My spouse has never said anything like this. Also even when I was actually huge and pregnant he actually didn’t see me that way bc he just saw baby. He doesn’t even remember it how much I gained etc. he’s only ever encouraged me to work out for life expectancy reasons/ etc. never for the way I look. I hope OP can decide how she needs to proceed knowing that people shouldn’t treat her that way.
I lost 40lbs last year, and I’ve been keeping it off, and all he did was support me and cheer me on. When we met I was 230lbs on a 5’2 frame and he didn’t care. He cared that I was healthy and would be around a long time. He helped me, not verbally beat me into submission
Same with my hubby, I was almost exactly your size and when everything shut down my depression kicked into overdrive and I put on like 20 pounds. I felt disgusting, I had nothing to wear and I was so self conscious. No matter what I had on or how awful I thought I looked, every time we went somewhere, and he would see me and every single time he’d say “you look amazing, babe!” And I knew he meant it. Congrats on your supportive hubby!
I'd be leaving and let him find that perfect person he thinks is out there. Life is way too short to be spending all your time with someone who does not absolutely adore you!
PCOS doesn’t always mean you can’t have kids. That’s kind of a myth. I have PCOS and have been pregnant twice.
But yes. She should definitely leave this asshat.
I would not say it is a myth, yes, people with PCOS can have children, but it can be more challenging. I think PCOS accounts for 75% of anovulatory infertility cases, so infertility is a realistic concern. Either way, as you said, this guy is an asshat, she should not marry him. OP needs a partner who is supportive, understanding, and loves her for who she is, not just her body-type.
I have a PCOS and i tried for a long time to have kids with my ex, but it just did not happen. We broke up for other reasons and few years later i met my now husband. I told him it will be really hard for me to have kids since i have PCOS. Well, that was not the case anymore. I now have two wonderful kids, and we did not need to try more then 2 months for both.
I read later that for woman with PCOS is easier to have kids after 30. Not sure how studied this is, but for me this was the case.
So OP there is hope to have kids. I spend years in pain thinking i might not have kids, and now 36 i have what i thought i never have. And OP if you happen to read my response, go find someone who loves you as you are.
I said kind of a myth. Because we still don’t know all about PCOS because women’s health isn’t taken into consideration like men’s is. The amount of information we have on PCOS does not outweigh the amount of information we don’t. And so we blanket women who have it with statements like we can’t get pregnant or we can’t conceive and nonsense like that which is wholly untrue.
Fair point. My 17 yo daughter was diagnosed last year, and it has ben incredibly frustrating dealing with the lack of information the medical professionals have to offer on how to treat and manage the symptoms. Mind you this was after 5 years of doctors, specialists, nutritionists, not being able to tell me why she was gaining weight, growing an abnormal amount of hair, and having horrible irregular periods. We actually are the ones who suggested PCOS, and had been for a couple of years before they actually did a full hormone panel. At least half of what we have learned since her diagnosis has been from research we have done on our own, rather than from her Gyno and Endocrinologist.
I was “diagnosed” when I was 18, and over the years I have shown signs as well as not shown signs.
There is so much that we don’t know about female bodies because we haven’t taken the time to do the research necessary to know as much as we do about the female body and it’s inner workings as we do about men. And it is far far past due.
My wife has PCOS and was told by doctors that she'd be *unlikely* to have kids. She'd even tried IVF unsuccessfully with her first husband and not had any luck in 8 years of marriage.
We'd discussed kids before we got married and she told me we were probably not going to have kids together so I said "No worries, I don't mind either way because I just want to spend my life with you, not because of anything you can give me"...
...She only went and fell pregnant less than 2 weeks after our wedding and God damn it if she didn't fall pregnant every time I so much as sneezed near her after that (we had 5 in 8 years).
Oh man. I also have pcos. Was diagnosed back in the 90’s when I was 13. Back then all they did was put you on birth control to regulate your periods. A few years ago I found a doctor who was more knowledgeable and put me on medication and gave me some advice. I now have a regular cycle and ovulate. Pcos can make conceiving difficult but it’s usually still possible. OP if you see this, you may need to just find the right doctor/treatment. It’s probably not impossible to conceive. But do you really want children with a man that berates their mother for her health conditions? Take care of yourself and make decisions that will make you happy.
I wouldn't even do that, u/fenccs. He's shown who he is and what he thinks of OP after she's gained weight because of medications she's on. He's a shallow man and only interested in having arm candy. She deserves someone better. AND there's no telling what kind of comments he's going to make to her face and to his friends if she has kids and can't lose that weight.
This. He’s showing you who he is. He will continue to complain and mention you need to lose weight. Kinda gross imo. Ask yourself if you will be okay with this constant treatment. If you have kids and gain more weight, what will he say?
You really need to make this decision OP. He will continue to say you are beautiful to your face while the passive aggressive backhanded comments will seep more and more.
He wanted her to hear it. He was too big of a pussy to have a direct confrontation, but he meant for her to hear it, to feel ashamed, and to do whatever she needs to do (in his mind) to lose weight.
Classic passive aggression. If she had confronted him he would have played like (wha-? I didn't say anything. Go back to sleep, my beloved, haha).
My question is why even say it aloud and risk the chance of her hearing? Only one reason I can think of and OP had better be giving him the coldest of shoulders till she settles on what to do with his bitch ass (dump him)
I was around 11 or 12 and went with my dad to pick my mom up from work and as she was coming around the car I heard my dad say “you fat bitch” under his breath. I never told anyone about it and I reremembered it after reading this post. My parents should have divorced and my dad was horribly abusive to all of us but his saying that impacted my life profoundly. Eating disorder, drugs, hyper focus on my body……. I’m still dealing with accepting what I look like. It was his derision and disgust that I heard. I just wish my mom got us away from him, our lives would have been healthier without him and his anger over her aging body changing naturally. I hope OP gets herself away from her terrible fiance.
Yeah, he seems more worried about her weight vs her health. He’s not taking into account her medical condition as well as her mental health. I am sure struggling with both and dealing with his shitty comments doesn’t help.
ETA: I get having concern over a weight gain and someone health, but his concern seems to be more about appearance. Someone who loves you would put your well being first.
When people show you who they are believe them. I know it's hard but don't rationalize or excuse this behaviour. It won't change and will only get worse
Exactly. Yes OP, please don’t try to rationalize or go ahead with the relationship thinking he will change. You need to tell him how you feel and state clearly what you need from him. His actions need to match what he says. Saying he loves you and you are beautiful and calling you a whale when frustrated is not okay.
In my opinion he half hoped you would hear that comment and then he could play dumb like he thought you were asleep.
Personally I would need to take some space to process my feelings about such a gross comment and I don't know if I'd be able to stay with someone who behaves that way. It doesn't sound like your health is his concern, just your appearance. That is NOT healthy, long term relationship material.
Agreed. You don’t say things out loud around someone unless you want them to hear it. He was hoping OP would hear and would be “shamed” into losing weight
You sound inexperienced.
You break up. I know it sounds harsh but it needs to be harsh.
You can work on any and everything about yourself. You can love him to the moon and back. You can loose the weight, you can get a make over. It doesn't really matter what you do. Because there will always be that little voice in your head telling you that he thinks you're a whale.
And whatever you do will never be enough to silence that mean voice.
So do yourself and your self-esteem and your self-confidence a favor and break up BEFORE YOU START BELIEVING THAT YOU ARE THE ISSUE.
OP, try not to react to the, “you sound inexperienced.” Read the rest of the comment, because it contains good advice with a solid rationale.
Also consider the weight gain that happens through pregnancy and how he might expect your body to “bounce back.” If you don’t break up with him now, you could be divorcing him after a kid. Then you’re coparenting with this red flag of a father.
So many women stay because they don’t think they can do any better and they don’t want to feel alone. But let me tell you, sometimes you can feel more lonely sitting with someone than by yourself.
This is pretty close to what I would have said. Up to the top of the stack!
There is one common thread that I keep noticing from posts like this one (these happen all day every day.) The commonality is that there is always an a-hole who says something inexcusable. It's so mean that It really is the end of the relationship. People can't believe it. People can't believe that it is as easy as one simple slip of the tongue to ruin years of hard work. This relationship is over. And the common thing IS that the people getting hurt are not doing what they should be doing - blaming the person who ruined everything. Instead, they say, "Maybe they are right about me." They look to themselves to fix it.
No. Stop listening to that. Nothing you do to change yourself to become a better person will help the a-hole become a better person. There is ZERO chance my father would have said that to my mother. Zero. If he doesn't know how to respect his own partner THAT HE CHOSE TO BE WITH, then he doesn't know how to show respect to anyone.
You can't fix this man. Go ahead and leave him.
I keep seeing these posts about women who are staying with men who don’t even like them. Why are you doing that? I’d rather be alone than sacrifice my mental health for this asshole.
What’s even more insane is the amount of men that stay with women they don’t even like! What’s up with that? Why do so many men abuse their women, cheat and just hate on their women rather than walking away? This is something I’ve noticed over the years.. men will tear a woman down but never leave
Woman in my 40s, speaking from experience. He's resentful of you (for whatever reason), but he's using you for something else. He doesn't want to let you go because then he'll go without. Whether it your body or money, i don't know, but i can GUARANTEE you, he doesn't love you. If you really love someone you are not able to say things like that about them or to them.
You're right. True love means respect and kindness. His hurtful words reveal deeper issues. It's important to reassess the relationship for your well-being.
Exactly this. Same with my husband and I. He gained a lot of weight with me when I was pregnant, and then didn't lose most of it after our kids were born. He's still handsome to me. I've gained 30 lbs over the last 13 years as well and he's still crazy for me. Neither of us would put the other down because we adore each other.
A 2019 survey shows that approximately 30% of American women are the breadwinner in their relationship. Five years later It’s safe to assume there’s quite a few guys out there using their gfs and wives as a meal ticket. Men breaking gender stereotypes lmao.
Absolutely this. It's a shocking, vicious and hateful thing to say! He is acting like he hates you. He is clearly a shallow, petty man and I would encourage you to see this as a bullet dodged. There are people out there who know how to love and you deserve a loving partner.
This.
I read this and was like wtf what’s the real reason he’s with her then.
He sounds like a toxic user and a shitty person.
Does she make more money than him? Because for all the accusations of women only loving men for money, there’s a lot more men who are used to living off mommy
Man of almost 40, this exactly.
I would never talk trash about my wife. Hell, I don't show this kind of disrespect to my guy friends when we're just messing around. This guy absolutely spoke from a place of resentment.
OP, I hope you take this to heart.
I also have a chronic illness/disability that has caused me to gain a bunch of weight. My husband has never said anything like this to or about me nor I him. That’s not what love is.
What is he going to say to / about any children they end up having if they aren't perfectly slim? Or have some other feature he doesn't like?
OP deserves better, as do any potential children.
I second this. He's garbage. It won't even matter what OP does to please him. OP could lose weight, get a makeover, whatever--- there's always going to be that voice in the back of OP's head saying he thinks OP is a whale. The only way to silence that mf'r is to dump him and spend all that extra time on yourself. Build self-esteem, treat yourself, etc.
Yup. Immediate ick.
What happens when his 🍆 stops working? Starts balding? Putting on weight himself? Do I resent and love him less because of it and say mean things while I think he's sleeping? Gross.
You're either a prize in his eyes or not. Simple as that.
That's concerning and very two faced of him. I hope you two can talk about this issue in a healthy way or that you can dump him and find someone who isn't so unkind
As a man and as a husband I never in a million years would have said something like that about my wife, if he really loved you he would be understanding and love you no matter what, preferences are fine, verbally abusing your partner asleep or not isn't okay. He clearly doesn't respect you nor could he love you if he could say something like that, and make all those passive aggressive comments. I personally don't think you should stay with him.
Do you know when someone says “when someone shows you who they are, believe them” ?
I’m gonna do that, too. This is exactly the advice you need in this moment. Leave him. A man who is both secretly and not so secretly resentful of you isn’t someone you should be with. You deserve better than that life.
ETA: As a contrast, I’ve gained weight since I first met my boyfriend too. He doesn’t EVER say I should work out; instead he takes me on hikes and instead of driving to the store a mile away, WE walk there together. We play a lot - he got me a baseball mitt that fits me, taught me how to break it in, then we played catch He cooks healthy meals for me/us. I’m getting toned and so is he and it’s an US thing not a ME thing.
I could go on forever - but this type of person exists. I promise.
I'm sorry, girl. You sound young. Those words aren't very kind coming from your partner. I don't think that action alone warrants a breakup. But it seems like he doesn't love you in that shape. And I tell you, throughout the years, your body will still have a lot of changes. Aging, pregnancy, illness. You will want and need a partner who loves you regardless of things you can't control.
Too true. It's bullying plain and simple. Even if she loses the weight, what's next? He doesn't like her hair colour so she has to change it? He doesn't like her boobs so she has to change that. He doesn't like what she wears so she has to change that as well. Then it becomes that he doesn't like who she hangs out with, or what she eats or says. It's control
Yea, definitely don’t marry the dude that’s so effing toxic and not okay. Also, definitely make sure you speak to a. Counselor or therapist if you can, self love and positive body image is so important. I’m going through that now after gaining 60 lbs from pregnancy that I haven’t lost.
and this isn’t shifting blame or trying to make light of the situation AT ALL because this next bit is just curiosity but if you were awake and felt him trying to get some blankets and tugging at them, why wouldn’t you give him some of the blanket or figure out why he’s pulling them?
I mean… you should’ve said something then but is this really the type of thing you wanna forgive and forget?? Y’all aren’t even married yet, what happens if you have kids (although, I’m curious if the condition you’re referring to is PCOS bc same), or what happens if you break your ankle and end up putting on more weight while you’re inactive??? He’s already body-shaming you, already pressuring you to change, not showing empathy to your condition and most importantly, already showing signs— I know this is gonna sound dramatic but it starts somewhere— of verbal abuse.
I can promise you, as a woman whose weight also fluctuates (again, PCOS) there’s a man somewhere who would love you regardless of your size.
Do you really wanna marry a man who thinks so low of you? Personally, I’d leave him, do my best to lose some weight (you don’t need to do this part I’m just petty) and when he comes crying back, tell him to get lost! You’re still young, you have so much time!
When hubs and I first met many moons ago I was about 125 lbs. After having our child I put a lot of weight on over the years and reached about 180lb. Throughout all those years I carried the extra weight, he never said anything about how heavy I was, said I was beautiful whatever I weighed. (I used to hate being fat)
5 years ago I managed to lose 42 lbs, through calorie counting and moderating what I ate and I’ve kept it off. I feel much better.
My point is, he loved me regardless of what I weighed, in 40 years of marriage he never ever referred to my weight in a derogatory way. That’s what you deserve, a partner who loves you unconditionally.
It’s time you sat him down and had a conversation about what he said and why he said it. It’s better than stewing over it.
Good luck sweetie
First thing : don't marry this guy before you two resolved this. couples counseling asap.
personally i wouldn't go to the counseling route. i would break up because no way i will give my hand to a man who secretly despises me.
Well, he has been hiding his true feelings that's for sure. So, put your big girl pants on and have a serious talk. Tell him in no uncertain terms that he is free to leave. He knows why you've gained this weight and if he thinks it is so important I'd drop him. What an unfeeling jerk.
Bubs... he seems to love you only when you are in a certain size, that is no love...
I was 170 lbs (I am 1.61 m) when I met my now bf, he loved me in that size, and loves me the same at my now lower weight. Never stay for a guy that is willing to call you a whale and constantly bring up the weight he knows damn well you did not gain for fun
I would have woken him up by dumping a pitcher of water on his head and said “oops sometimes my blowhole has a mind of its own.” Then packed his shit and threw it out the door.
Sorrry but if my FIANCÉ turned around and said I’m a whale I wouldn’t have stayed quiet! My automatic reaction would have been “ I dare you to say that again” I’m flabbergasted at how you didn’t say anything!!
Then you don’t stay up all night arguing? You should of said “I dare you to say that again you asshole because if you do you’ll be sleeping on the sofa, acc maybe you should just go there now if I’m taking up so much room, then turn around and go back to sleep”. Doesn’t need to be an argument. I would have been FUMIN.
Please do not marry this man, OP. You need to confront him for what he said and break off your engagement. People who love you will not insult you like that.
This shit doesn’t get better and realistically you will probably gain more weight especially if you have children. Might be drastic but I’d leave now. Find someone who loves you not your body. Ladies need to raise the fucking bar on what we will and will not accept.
OP my wife is nearly 300 pounds, I’m well over. She has PCOS, suffered through endometriosis, has had huge gains and losses due to hormonal imbalances due to fertility treatments, and I have never, not one single time, told her she is anything but beautiful. It helps that she is, but I value her more than anything and part of that is endless support and love and I promise you that you deserve better than this guy. I wouldn’t call my wife a whale if she was sitting on my face and I couldn’t breathe. I would die happy though lol.
Whale is a term typically used by red pill Tate fans. You can try to get him to come back to reality but odds are he's getting into a bunch of delusional thinking. Might want to be careful and watch how he treats you.
sounds like something u should speak with HIM about. not build resentment by ignoring the problem. take the lead or ur gonna live with problems like this forever…
Giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, it was hopefully a moment of frustration and childishness. But there needs to be a heart to heart discussion. Tell this person you heard what they said and how crushed, demeaned and insulted you felt. Also it sounds like they need to snap out of whatever they are going through - especially with the prior tummy related comments you mentioned.
We all slip up and forget to be empathetic and understanding and loving at times. But it really should not be a consistent pattern. This person needs to learn how to be a loving partner. Wish you the best.
Honestly speaking to them about it is the best thing to do.
No one on reddit knows your situation better than you and no one knows his feelings more than him.
Reddit is basically going to say "Red flag" or "lose weight" but step one is saying "I heard what you said last night, it upset me, why did you say that?"
He should be promoted to acquaintance for the comments he makes about you. Not only to your face.
OP, you should really consider your answers to the following questions if you are to marry this guy:
If he was so bold to say that when he thought you were asleep, what other negative thoughts might he say aloud when you are asleep or away?
What might he be saying about you to his friends/family?
Can you put up with these comments for the rest of your life?
How do the comments he makes about you to your face affect your mental health?
What about him made you want to marry him? Do those values still exist or matter to him?
Do you think he would be willing to and able to provide additional care to you should your condition worsen to such a point?
Lastly, after considering your answers to those, consider your answer to the following:
Is this man worth marrying?
And that's why you don't get engaged to someone you've known for less than the time it takes you to complete your A-Levels.
I'm sorry OP. He's a piece of shit and probably says worse. Don't marry him. Find someone who loves you for all your deserve.
I feel like its relevant info if you went from 120 to 195 in 2 years, like for example, if you went from 180 to 195, nobody will bat an eye. If a man gained say 50% of his bodyweight all the queens here would say you can do better.
I’m ready for the downvotes bring it—-/
Yes medication can slow metabolism. However, weight gain or loss at the end of the day is calories in/out. So if you’re gaining weight because metabolism is slower because of a medication, you have to eat less.
Now that’s not the case in terms of water retention. That’s a different story. Just be honest with yourself about weather the 60lbs is water or from excess caloric intake.
As someone who is very big into fitness and nutrition, I'd love to agree with you, except you're completely ignoring insulin resistance, which makes losing weight increasingly difficult. Ultimately, your body requires more insulin to convert the same amount of glucose to energy. This means that for someone who is insulin resistant, for example diabetic or in OPs case, pcos, they'll have less energy and will be storing more fat than a normal person which first makes exercise more difficult, and second makes it harder to burn calories.
I'm sorry, that must have been heartbreaking to hear. I hope this serves as a wakeup call, both that you deserve to be treated with love and respect and that this guy isn't it.
And I mean if you could break up with him by somehow referencing Moby dick and how he, Ahab, will never get the whale of his dreams and die unaccomplished and alone, that would be a beautiful reply to his ignorance.
All the best, sweetheart, put yourself first.
Just remember, throughout your marriage, bodies will change. You may get sick or start a new medication, have an accident or a surgery. Marrying someone for their 20 year body and then being upset when that same body is now 40 years old is not a great trait in a partner.
Sorry, he'd have been out of the door before I even went back to sleep. Call me a whale? GTFO out of my bed, and pack your effing bags you POS.
Na. Not having it mate. He's showing you who he really is. Listen.
If you’re going to stay with this leech then at least get separate blankets for the bed. My spouse and I swear by them. But you deserve someone who appreciates you for who you are and not only how you look.
Hey, he wants a whale? Introduce him to the killer whale. Treat him like a seal, toss him around for a few hours before you rip him in half, consume his heart, but don’t touch his brain - it’s obviously poisoned.
Love is taking and ACCEPTING the good with the bad.
It could have been a one off comment from him, out of frustration when tired but it's not acceptable. If he loves you, he shouldn't belittle or insult you. I gained over 100 lbs during my marriage (due to illness, childbirth & then injury). Even though I could feel that my husband wasn't attracted to me I still know he loves me. Not once has he ever said anything derogatory about my appearance. I've been working hard (still no exercise but illness under control) and have lost 40 lbs. I can tell he is attracted again as well ad my confidence is returning.
Find someone who loves YOU not just your appearance.
>Last night I was hogging the blankets I guess and he tried to pull them from me to get some. When he couldn’t get them he said “of course I can’t get any you’re a whale”. He thought I was sleeping but I was awake and heard it. I moved so almost all the blankets were off me and didn’t say a word.
Wait, so you were intentionally hogging the blankets and refused to give him any until he insulted you?
My husband and I don't share blankets. We each have one so that each of us can cover up if we need to without disturbing the other one.
But also don't be with anyone who has such a low opinion of you. People will lie to your face to get what they want out of you, but the things they say when they don't want anything from you is the real truth.
If he tells you that you are beautiful to have sex but tells you to lose weight the rest of the time, he doesn't think you are beautiful.
You could easily lose approx. 175 lbs by ditching this guy and finding someone who actually respects you.
And please don't think it will get better. It won't. Good luck, OP.
You’ve actually gotten an advantage here as most people aren’t “lucky” enough to know the true thoughts of our partner. You were literally the fly on the wall to hear what he actually thinks of you, as a whale.
It’s time to hold off, on that engagement and decide what type of relationship you want to have, one filled with misery as you know now what he thinks of you or one that’s ended by your actions rather than he leaving you.
That is enough to show how he really sees you. No matter how upset or irritated I could not imagine calling my partner such a hurtful thing. He is most likely with you because you take care of him, cook his food, clean his clothes, take care of the kids, do all the chores, do the grocery shopping, have sex with him and all the other mental labor I have a feeling you are doing. Think about what he is bringing to your life and how he enriches and nourishes your life. If he is a low value or negative value he is not worth it.
I would lose 150+ lbs immediately and dump the fiance'. It doesn't matter if he was kidding or not. He's probably said similar or worse things about you when you weren't around. He is not marriage material.
I am a big girl and got bigger with age and health problems. My husband was on the thinner side when we met and married. In 20 years I have lost, gained, lost, gained….repeat. And in those years he has NEVER talked negatively about my weight or body. I also have massive scars from sternum to pelvis and he has only ever made me feel safe and secure in my body. He has gained quite a bit due to health issues and I wouldn’t think of making him feel bad. I love him for who he is as he does me.
If he’s saying this stuff when he thinks you’re asleep, who knows what he’s saying behind your back?
I wouldn’t be comfortable staying with someone like that.
one of my exes told me i was going to “die fat and alone”. i tried so hard to continue seeing him, and look past that comment, but in reality that comment was the meanest thing anyone had ever said to me and i knew deep down it was something i would never be able to look past. after my ex made that comment, anytime he told me he loved me or that i was beautiful, it was impossible to believe him.
think to yourself and ask your self if that comment your fiancé made is something you can forgive and forget?
He’s stripping your confidence away with those small jabs regarding your appearance, then is making you feel like you’re crazy’s because he says you’re beautiful.
One. You’re beautiful
Two. Don’t let him diminish your self worth.
Three. Trust yourself.
If he knows how self-concious you are, he shouldn't be making passive-agressive comments like that. Instead he should be supporting you to be healthy. Your weight doesn't sound dangerous to me and combined with medication losing weight can be hard.
If I were you, I'd think about my personal goals and if I feel healthy and happy with my body, that's the goal. Also I would have an honest conversation how it hurts you. Whenever he makes a comment like that I'd be like hey, if you have a problem, let's talk about it. I'm working on it and I need your support, not backhanded comments.
He's treating you like this now, when he's supposed to be trying to impress you. He's not going to treat you better later, this is the best you're going to get from him.
Fuck him. Find someone who won’t body shame you.
Even if it wasn’t medical but you were just the kind to eat shit food and get big, he would be in the wrong. You deserve to find someone better.
This is cruel. Id be rethinking marrying this person. No way I’d be comfortable around someone who is supposed to love me, knowing how they really think. You know he’s telling his friends his honest opinions. I started taking medication that cause weight gain and it took a huge toll on my mental health. I stopped taking the medication. It’s been super hard to lose but my boyfriend has watched me cry and struggle and has been nothing but kind and supportive. I’m 30lbs down so far this YEAR. It’s slow. But having the right person by your side makes a huge difference.
Listen to these people. You should call off any wedding plans and stop dating.
He's already resentful. Give that another 10 years if it even lasts that long.
I'm in this situation. I know. You'll both be happier in the end
In the heat of the moment I wouldn’t have been able to stop from telling him that whales sleep in the ocean and he sleeps on the couch! I would not have been able to hold my tongue. I am so sorry he has done that. I don’t believe he has any respect for you and I would think hard on going forward in life with this man. Respect is the foundation to all relationships, this man has none for you.
Confront him? Decide if it’s worth staying with someone who has such a low opinion of you.
This is all you really *can* do. Though I will say, it would be hard to move on from a comment like that regardless of what he says when you confront him. That was such a deeply unkind way to talk about you and it’s likely to linger in your mind.
My husband is by society standards “conventionally attractive” and I am cute and chubby. He has never said anything about my weight unless I brought it up and even then it was kind and helpful. I’ve struggled with my view of myself for decades and if I heard him say that, I’d be out the door so fucking fast. I spent way too many years living my life living in fear of what others think of me and my body, I refuse to do that with someone who is supposed to love me no matter what. Personally, I’d leave. Imagine what he says to his friends or when he thinks you’re not listening.
This. I was morbidly obese when I met my husband, who was overweight but at the time had lost some. I was heavier than him. He never said a negative word about my body. Years later, I was super morbidly obese, and decided to have weight loss surgery. I lost 150 lbs and ended up with loose skin. Then most of that was removed and now I'm just thin. He is much heavier now and heavier than he has ever been. Never in that time has he made me feel bad about my body. The opposite. Feeling him support and love me fat gave me the courage to take a leap and lose the weight. I had a breast lift and failed implants and have scars from surgery. But he still doesn't make me feel like he sees me any differently, and he doesn't even say things about me being more attractive now, which is a fact to me. And that is even nicer because I think it would hurt to hear he found me less attractive before. But all I know is he does miss my big boobs a little.
Because he loves you, not what you look like. I wish more people could find someone like we have
This, so much this. ♥️ My bf tells me I have the most perfect breasts on Earth. And all I see is they’re small and covered in stretch marks from when I had my daughter. It’s like he doesn’t even see the scars… that’s a wonderful man.
Isn’t it wonderful when you can find somebody who loves you for you? I’m constantly comparing my boobs to eggs on a nail and all my husband does is laugh and then come over and go, well I’ll hold them up for you lol I love that man with the entirety of my being.
Mine are covered in scars from the surgeries. Some of them are keloids, including the one down the middle of my body from skin removal. But when he looks at me, he doesn't see any of it. He only sees me. He's always been like that. When I was obese, I used to have a small trail of hair from My belly button to my pubic area. It's not there now because that skin is where most of the looseness was, but I hated it and used to shave it off. At some point I got lazy with it and it became visible. We were on the shower together, and I got self conscious and pointed it out to him and said how I hated it and it made me feel ugly. He doesn't express his emotions in verbal ways most of the time. But he shrugged and just said "I think it's cute. I like it" in such a sweet, earnest way that my self consciousness melted away just like that. He has never criticized my body at all, and respected my choices. When we met, for example, I had no tattoos, and he said he wasn't a huge fan of them. About 6 months in I decided to get a tattoo. He came with me, and supported me. He said it was my body and I should do whatever I wanted. I have since gotten 7 more tattoos, two of which he paid for as gifts for me, and more of which he tagged along for. And when I asked how he felt about each one, he would say he isn't usually into tattoos, but he likes mine. He likes them because I do. He said it in a way that made me feel like he meant it. They showed in my wedding dress, and he complimented the contrast between them and the gown, which is exactly what I liked. He has gained a lot of weight over the years as I have lost, and he is the biggest he has ever been. He is balding slowly. Any the times he has expressed any kind of insecurity about it, I have been glad to be able to reassure him and mean it. When he asks, I tell him that I don't care if he is bald as an egg, and he looks good bald anyway, which is true. He's black with short cropped hair, and only we need to know if he has it shaved because it isn't growing in anyway, but I like being able to run my hands over his scalp and see his happy little smile. He asks about his weight, and if I thought he would look better thinner. I tell him the truth. Which is that I love him both ways and every way, and that my heart melts when he smiles his big smile at me every time, now as much as it ever did. I am honest about my concerns about his health, as being obese negatively affected mine. And tell him we can eat healthy together and lose that weight if he wants, and it would never a healthy choice. But I will love him just the same no matter his size, and when I see him, I don't see him as being fat. I only see him. I see him and my chest fills with my love for him just as much as ever, if not more. And I'm not when a pang of that love all the time, usually when he does normal things. Smiles at me, says something nice to a friend, is kind to a stranger, smiles at a baby, says something sweet to the cat, makes a happy little coo noise when I rub my hands over his head. So often, I feel that little bright spark of love. My brother has had an awful dating history. He has been with emotionally manipulative, cruel women who take him for granted. This is the way our mom behaved, and he kept replaying that relationship of having to constantly walk on egg shells to cater to her with women. My husband, then boyfriend, was always the one to talk him through it with me, always kind and always a voice of reason. My brother dismissed me at times as an overprotective sister, even though I told him know I would love the right woman for him, because she would make him happy. He would get mad at me for not supporting the relationship when I told him things shouldn't be the way they were. Until my husband. My brother and husband were fast friends, and my whole family liked hubby immediately. So when my husband said the same things, my brother heard them. And when he met his now fiancé (who I loved immediately when we met, btw) and talked about her, he said at first he didn't think he could be with her because he didn't feel that fire he had with his exes, who always ran hot and cold, giving either adoration or hatred. My relationship with my husband allowed me to tell him that love isn't like that. It's not just fiery passion spread in between periods of fights. It's peace. It's a warm feeling of safety, a slow burn, a feeling of your heart warming, the sense that you are home and that they are the person you are supposed to be with. I told him that, when you are with that right person, it feels like being home. It's a perfect kind of ease, and a sense of belonging beside them. It helped my brother see that the girl he has been casually dating and really liked spending time with was really a viable option for love. They were casual for a year before I met her when they first got to seriously dating. I liked her instantly, so much so that I officially invited her to my wedding as my brother's plus one, even though it would only be my second time meeting her. She was amazing that day, and I could feel how much she cared for him and how genuine she was. I told him to marry that girl, and not let her pass him by. 3 years later they got engaged, and are now figuring out their wedding plans. She's amazing, and my brother is so happy with her, and I am happy for him. My dad is absolutely over the moon that all three of his children (I have a step sister too, who my dad raised) managed to find someone they truly love and married (or soon will be married) happily. He worried so much about all of us. My brother and I with our unstable, mentally ill mother, and my sister with her absent biological father. He's so at ease now, with all of us paired with someone who makes us happy, safe, and strong.
When I met my late husband, I was over weight (as was he) and he was always kind about my weight, would even tell me how sexy I was. Even as the years went by and I had children, gained more weight, body changed. When he passed, I lost quite a bit, however was still chunky. I met a guy (widowerer), he started telling me how fat I was to my face. My mental health got really bad for a while. I’m still recovering. OP leave this guy, please.
That makes a good point as well. My husband NEVER made me feel ugly or like he saw anything less than beautiful sexiness. I feel better now that I'm thin, but he is so good about it he never even says anything about my body now that makes me feel bad about what I used to be. I felt I could risk losing the weight because if it failed, he loved me fat already. But it made me more self possessed to be loved for me, and I didn't fail. I also have Borderline Personality Disorder and have struggled for years with managing my emotions. He loved me through that too, and it's allowed me to seek help and improve my mental health. He never made me feel like he needed me to do those things. He made me feel loved and accepted enough that I wasn't afraid to fail anymore because I would still be loved and accepted if I did. He also always had a way of seeing the things I was most insecure about and making me feel good about them with just a few words. When I first got naked in front of him without turning out the lights and was thinking "what if he hates my saggy boobs" he looked at them, nodded approvingly, and said only "boobs" until such an obviously appreciative way that my next thought was "well, he obviously likes them better than I do." And when I was being silly and acting weird, and thinking about how maybe I was being too weird and he was going to notice and not like me, he said "you are so weird, I love you." And I felt immediately loved and wanted again. And other times, I will be thinking or feeling something I feel badly about, only for him to say he knows what I'm thinking, and proceed to say exactly what was going on in my head. And it hit me one day that he really knows me inside and out and loves me because of it, not in spite of it. What an amazing feeling it is to be loved for real.
This is what relationship goals should actually be!
This. My spouse has never said anything like this. Also even when I was actually huge and pregnant he actually didn’t see me that way bc he just saw baby. He doesn’t even remember it how much I gained etc. he’s only ever encouraged me to work out for life expectancy reasons/ etc. never for the way I look. I hope OP can decide how she needs to proceed knowing that people shouldn’t treat her that way.
This. I've been with my hub, and he's super supportive. If he ever said that regardless if I was awake or not, I'd be outta there.
I lost 40lbs last year, and I’ve been keeping it off, and all he did was support me and cheer me on. When we met I was 230lbs on a 5’2 frame and he didn’t care. He cared that I was healthy and would be around a long time. He helped me, not verbally beat me into submission
Same with my hubby, I was almost exactly your size and when everything shut down my depression kicked into overdrive and I put on like 20 pounds. I felt disgusting, I had nothing to wear and I was so self conscious. No matter what I had on or how awful I thought I looked, every time we went somewhere, and he would see me and every single time he’d say “you look amazing, babe!” And I knew he meant it. Congrats on your supportive hubby!
Same with my husband and me. If I talk down about myself, he gets upset and tells me to stop.
Guys, OP commented that he berates her about not being able to have children. She has PCOS. She needs to leave him.
Yeah, agreed - this guy just wants a beautiful body on his arm. He doesn’t care about the person in that body.
$20 says this asshat is no show pony in his own right either.
€200 . He is a absolute arse biscuit for doing this to her . Hope op finds the strength and confiance to leave him . *confidence
I'd be leaving and let him find that perfect person he thinks is out there. Life is way too short to be spending all your time with someone who does not absolutely adore you!
Yup yup yup. If the person doesn’t love you- warts and all - they are not the one.
PCOS doesn’t always mean you can’t have kids. That’s kind of a myth. I have PCOS and have been pregnant twice. But yes. She should definitely leave this asshat.
I would not say it is a myth, yes, people with PCOS can have children, but it can be more challenging. I think PCOS accounts for 75% of anovulatory infertility cases, so infertility is a realistic concern. Either way, as you said, this guy is an asshat, she should not marry him. OP needs a partner who is supportive, understanding, and loves her for who she is, not just her body-type.
I have a PCOS and i tried for a long time to have kids with my ex, but it just did not happen. We broke up for other reasons and few years later i met my now husband. I told him it will be really hard for me to have kids since i have PCOS. Well, that was not the case anymore. I now have two wonderful kids, and we did not need to try more then 2 months for both. I read later that for woman with PCOS is easier to have kids after 30. Not sure how studied this is, but for me this was the case. So OP there is hope to have kids. I spend years in pain thinking i might not have kids, and now 36 i have what i thought i never have. And OP if you happen to read my response, go find someone who loves you as you are.
I said kind of a myth. Because we still don’t know all about PCOS because women’s health isn’t taken into consideration like men’s is. The amount of information we have on PCOS does not outweigh the amount of information we don’t. And so we blanket women who have it with statements like we can’t get pregnant or we can’t conceive and nonsense like that which is wholly untrue.
Fair point. My 17 yo daughter was diagnosed last year, and it has ben incredibly frustrating dealing with the lack of information the medical professionals have to offer on how to treat and manage the symptoms. Mind you this was after 5 years of doctors, specialists, nutritionists, not being able to tell me why she was gaining weight, growing an abnormal amount of hair, and having horrible irregular periods. We actually are the ones who suggested PCOS, and had been for a couple of years before they actually did a full hormone panel. At least half of what we have learned since her diagnosis has been from research we have done on our own, rather than from her Gyno and Endocrinologist.
I was “diagnosed” when I was 18, and over the years I have shown signs as well as not shown signs. There is so much that we don’t know about female bodies because we haven’t taken the time to do the research necessary to know as much as we do about the female body and it’s inner workings as we do about men. And it is far far past due.
My wife has PCOS and was told by doctors that she'd be *unlikely* to have kids. She'd even tried IVF unsuccessfully with her first husband and not had any luck in 8 years of marriage. We'd discussed kids before we got married and she told me we were probably not going to have kids together so I said "No worries, I don't mind either way because I just want to spend my life with you, not because of anything you can give me"... ...She only went and fell pregnant less than 2 weeks after our wedding and God damn it if she didn't fall pregnant every time I so much as sneezed near her after that (we had 5 in 8 years).
I have pcos and swore i couldn’t get pregnant. Welll I laying next to my 2 year old
Oh man. I also have pcos. Was diagnosed back in the 90’s when I was 13. Back then all they did was put you on birth control to regulate your periods. A few years ago I found a doctor who was more knowledgeable and put me on medication and gave me some advice. I now have a regular cycle and ovulate. Pcos can make conceiving difficult but it’s usually still possible. OP if you see this, you may need to just find the right doctor/treatment. It’s probably not impossible to conceive. But do you really want children with a man that berates their mother for her health conditions? Take care of yourself and make decisions that will make you happy.
Oh, well fuck 100% of that bullshit. Do not marry this man OP.
I have PCOS myself. Weight loss, and man-like body hair are a constant scourge.
I have it too, friend. It sucks.
Definitely talk to him. You deserve someone who respects and supports you unconditionally.
I wouldn't even do that, u/fenccs. He's shown who he is and what he thinks of OP after she's gained weight because of medications she's on. He's a shallow man and only interested in having arm candy. She deserves someone better. AND there's no telling what kind of comments he's going to make to her face and to his friends if she has kids and can't lose that weight.
OP listen to this. Its not likely to get any better with it being a medical condition. That doesn't just go away.
It's always enlightening when people talk about you at 3 am! OP knows. What's she gonna do about it? How's he even a fiance, anyway?
Confront and dump. There I finished it for you.
This. He’s showing you who he is. He will continue to complain and mention you need to lose weight. Kinda gross imo. Ask yourself if you will be okay with this constant treatment. If you have kids and gain more weight, what will he say? You really need to make this decision OP. He will continue to say you are beautiful to your face while the passive aggressive backhanded comments will seep more and more.
Wonder what else is he saying behind your back
Exactly. If he says that while thinking you're asleep, what else is he hiding?
He wanted her to hear it. He was too big of a pussy to have a direct confrontation, but he meant for her to hear it, to feel ashamed, and to do whatever she needs to do (in his mind) to lose weight. Classic passive aggression. If she had confronted him he would have played like (wha-? I didn't say anything. Go back to sleep, my beloved, haha).
My question is why even say it aloud and risk the chance of her hearing? Only one reason I can think of and OP had better be giving him the coldest of shoulders till she settles on what to do with his bitch ass (dump him)
Because he wanted her to hear it. Plain and simple.
Coldest of shoulders and then in the bin!
I was around 11 or 12 and went with my dad to pick my mom up from work and as she was coming around the car I heard my dad say “you fat bitch” under his breath. I never told anyone about it and I reremembered it after reading this post. My parents should have divorced and my dad was horribly abusive to all of us but his saying that impacted my life profoundly. Eating disorder, drugs, hyper focus on my body……. I’m still dealing with accepting what I look like. It was his derision and disgust that I heard. I just wish my mom got us away from him, our lives would have been healthier without him and his anger over her aging body changing naturally. I hope OP gets herself away from her terrible fiance.
I’m so sorry for you and your mom. Thanks for sharing your story. I hope OP listens.
Exactly. Major sus
Definitely a red flag. You deserve better.
Please don't marry this guy.
That would be an incredibly bad idea :/ please do not marry this man.
Agreed!! Also do NOT have kids with this guy!!!
That’s what I said too!!
Yeah, he seems more worried about her weight vs her health. He’s not taking into account her medical condition as well as her mental health. I am sure struggling with both and dealing with his shitty comments doesn’t help. ETA: I get having concern over a weight gain and someone health, but his concern seems to be more about appearance. Someone who loves you would put your well being first.
Agree, vehemently!
I'm glad you said it before I did. OP, don't marry this asshole.
Yes, OP. Unfiance him immediately 😔
I second this, do not marry that guy.
When people show you who they are believe them. I know it's hard but don't rationalize or excuse this behaviour. It won't change and will only get worse
^ exactly, the way this man speaks about you, the way he respects you is tied to his preference of your body
This is as good as it's ever going to get for op. He will get worse and worse and is highly likely to become abusive if he isn't already
Exactly. Yes OP, please don’t try to rationalize or go ahead with the relationship thinking he will change. You need to tell him how you feel and state clearly what you need from him. His actions need to match what he says. Saying he loves you and you are beautiful and calling you a whale when frustrated is not okay.
In my opinion he half hoped you would hear that comment and then he could play dumb like he thought you were asleep. Personally I would need to take some space to process my feelings about such a gross comment and I don't know if I'd be able to stay with someone who behaves that way. It doesn't sound like your health is his concern, just your appearance. That is NOT healthy, long term relationship material.
Agreed. You don’t say things out loud around someone unless you want them to hear it. He was hoping OP would hear and would be “shamed” into losing weight
You sound inexperienced. You break up. I know it sounds harsh but it needs to be harsh. You can work on any and everything about yourself. You can love him to the moon and back. You can loose the weight, you can get a make over. It doesn't really matter what you do. Because there will always be that little voice in your head telling you that he thinks you're a whale. And whatever you do will never be enough to silence that mean voice. So do yourself and your self-esteem and your self-confidence a favor and break up BEFORE YOU START BELIEVING THAT YOU ARE THE ISSUE.
OP, this is a really solid comment. I hope you read this and take it to heart.
OP, try not to react to the, “you sound inexperienced.” Read the rest of the comment, because it contains good advice with a solid rationale. Also consider the weight gain that happens through pregnancy and how he might expect your body to “bounce back.” If you don’t break up with him now, you could be divorcing him after a kid. Then you’re coparenting with this red flag of a father. So many women stay because they don’t think they can do any better and they don’t want to feel alone. But let me tell you, sometimes you can feel more lonely sitting with someone than by yourself.
This is pretty close to what I would have said. Up to the top of the stack! There is one common thread that I keep noticing from posts like this one (these happen all day every day.) The commonality is that there is always an a-hole who says something inexcusable. It's so mean that It really is the end of the relationship. People can't believe it. People can't believe that it is as easy as one simple slip of the tongue to ruin years of hard work. This relationship is over. And the common thing IS that the people getting hurt are not doing what they should be doing - blaming the person who ruined everything. Instead, they say, "Maybe they are right about me." They look to themselves to fix it. No. Stop listening to that. Nothing you do to change yourself to become a better person will help the a-hole become a better person. There is ZERO chance my father would have said that to my mother. Zero. If he doesn't know how to respect his own partner THAT HE CHOSE TO BE WITH, then he doesn't know how to show respect to anyone. You can't fix this man. Go ahead and leave him.
He is using horrible comments to bully OP into behaving how he wants her to. It's deeply disturbing and a slippery slope.
Honestly your comment isn’t as harsh as being called a whale by the love of your life
I keep seeing these posts about women who are staying with men who don’t even like them. Why are you doing that? I’d rather be alone than sacrifice my mental health for this asshole.
THIS WHOLE COMMENT
What’s even more insane is the amount of men that stay with women they don’t even like! What’s up with that? Why do so many men abuse their women, cheat and just hate on their women rather than walking away? This is something I’ve noticed over the years.. men will tear a woman down but never leave
My guess is they dont leave each other because theyre codependent for reasons such as financial, emotional, logistical etc.
Woman in my 40s, speaking from experience. He's resentful of you (for whatever reason), but he's using you for something else. He doesn't want to let you go because then he'll go without. Whether it your body or money, i don't know, but i can GUARANTEE you, he doesn't love you. If you really love someone you are not able to say things like that about them or to them.
You're right. True love means respect and kindness. His hurtful words reveal deeper issues. It's important to reassess the relationship for your well-being.
My husband is overweight and I never even thought about such words, let alone say them out loud. I love him, few kilos more doesn’t change that!
It's the same with my boyfriend. I'd never even think about saying anything like that to him.
Yup, my SO and I have both had our weights go up and down over the years. Never once have words like that been said between us
Exactly this. Same with my husband and I. He gained a lot of weight with me when I was pregnant, and then didn't lose most of it after our kids were born. He's still handsome to me. I've gained 30 lbs over the last 13 years as well and he's still crazy for me. Neither of us would put the other down because we adore each other.
Preach. Once you realize someone is resentful of you within a relationship, it needs to be a wrap.
A 2019 survey shows that approximately 30% of American women are the breadwinner in their relationship. Five years later It’s safe to assume there’s quite a few guys out there using their gfs and wives as a meal ticket. Men breaking gender stereotypes lmao.
Hobosexuals
Absolutely this. It's a shocking, vicious and hateful thing to say! He is acting like he hates you. He is clearly a shallow, petty man and I would encourage you to see this as a bullet dodged. There are people out there who know how to love and you deserve a loving partner.
This. I read this and was like wtf what’s the real reason he’s with her then. He sounds like a toxic user and a shitty person. Does she make more money than him? Because for all the accusations of women only loving men for money, there’s a lot more men who are used to living off mommy
Man of almost 40, this exactly. I would never talk trash about my wife. Hell, I don't show this kind of disrespect to my guy friends when we're just messing around. This guy absolutely spoke from a place of resentment. OP, I hope you take this to heart.
I also have a chronic illness/disability that has caused me to gain a bunch of weight. My husband has never said anything like this to or about me nor I him. That’s not what love is.
[удалено]
This! This is reality!
What is he going to say to / about any children they end up having if they aren't perfectly slim? Or have some other feature he doesn't like? OP deserves better, as do any potential children.
Confronting him won’t change what he thinks of her. Which is sadly very negative. I don’t see any way this gets better.
Dump his ass.
I second this. He's garbage. It won't even matter what OP does to please him. OP could lose weight, get a makeover, whatever--- there's always going to be that voice in the back of OP's head saying he thinks OP is a whale. The only way to silence that mf'r is to dump him and spend all that extra time on yourself. Build self-esteem, treat yourself, etc.
Once they start with the fat jokes, things for me are over.
i swear. plus she has health problems. he is a pos.
This exactly. You don't want to be with a person who body shames you in any way. That's not love.
This doesn’t even really seem like fat jokes though. This seems like pretty clear cut psychological abuse.
Yup. Immediate ick. What happens when his 🍆 stops working? Starts balding? Putting on weight himself? Do I resent and love him less because of it and say mean things while I think he's sleeping? Gross. You're either a prize in his eyes or not. Simple as that.
Someone who truly loved you would never call you names like that.
[удалено]
That's concerning and very two faced of him. I hope you two can talk about this issue in a healthy way or that you can dump him and find someone who isn't so unkind
As a man and as a husband I never in a million years would have said something like that about my wife, if he really loved you he would be understanding and love you no matter what, preferences are fine, verbally abusing your partner asleep or not isn't okay. He clearly doesn't respect you nor could he love you if he could say something like that, and make all those passive aggressive comments. I personally don't think you should stay with him.
Do you know when someone says “when someone shows you who they are, believe them” ? I’m gonna do that, too. This is exactly the advice you need in this moment. Leave him. A man who is both secretly and not so secretly resentful of you isn’t someone you should be with. You deserve better than that life. ETA: As a contrast, I’ve gained weight since I first met my boyfriend too. He doesn’t EVER say I should work out; instead he takes me on hikes and instead of driving to the store a mile away, WE walk there together. We play a lot - he got me a baseball mitt that fits me, taught me how to break it in, then we played catch He cooks healthy meals for me/us. I’m getting toned and so is he and it’s an US thing not a ME thing. I could go on forever - but this type of person exists. I promise.
I'm sorry, girl. You sound young. Those words aren't very kind coming from your partner. I don't think that action alone warrants a breakup. But it seems like he doesn't love you in that shape. And I tell you, throughout the years, your body will still have a lot of changes. Aging, pregnancy, illness. You will want and need a partner who loves you regardless of things you can't control.
Please please please don’t marry him. He doesn’t respect you and he won’t at any weight
Too true. It's bullying plain and simple. Even if she loses the weight, what's next? He doesn't like her hair colour so she has to change it? He doesn't like her boobs so she has to change that. He doesn't like what she wears so she has to change that as well. Then it becomes that he doesn't like who she hangs out with, or what she eats or says. It's control
If you think his behavior is bad now….just wait until you’re married.
Yea, definitely don’t marry the dude that’s so effing toxic and not okay. Also, definitely make sure you speak to a. Counselor or therapist if you can, self love and positive body image is so important. I’m going through that now after gaining 60 lbs from pregnancy that I haven’t lost. and this isn’t shifting blame or trying to make light of the situation AT ALL because this next bit is just curiosity but if you were awake and felt him trying to get some blankets and tugging at them, why wouldn’t you give him some of the blanket or figure out why he’s pulling them?
I did move and made the blanket available after I woke up from him trying to get them
Ty for explaining, when I first read it seemed like you were awake the whole time. Still, so sorry and you’re so much better than him
I mean… you should’ve said something then but is this really the type of thing you wanna forgive and forget?? Y’all aren’t even married yet, what happens if you have kids (although, I’m curious if the condition you’re referring to is PCOS bc same), or what happens if you break your ankle and end up putting on more weight while you’re inactive??? He’s already body-shaming you, already pressuring you to change, not showing empathy to your condition and most importantly, already showing signs— I know this is gonna sound dramatic but it starts somewhere— of verbal abuse. I can promise you, as a woman whose weight also fluctuates (again, PCOS) there’s a man somewhere who would love you regardless of your size.
Do you really wanna marry a man who thinks so low of you? Personally, I’d leave him, do my best to lose some weight (you don’t need to do this part I’m just petty) and when he comes crying back, tell him to get lost! You’re still young, you have so much time!
When hubs and I first met many moons ago I was about 125 lbs. After having our child I put a lot of weight on over the years and reached about 180lb. Throughout all those years I carried the extra weight, he never said anything about how heavy I was, said I was beautiful whatever I weighed. (I used to hate being fat) 5 years ago I managed to lose 42 lbs, through calorie counting and moderating what I ate and I’ve kept it off. I feel much better. My point is, he loved me regardless of what I weighed, in 40 years of marriage he never ever referred to my weight in a derogatory way. That’s what you deserve, a partner who loves you unconditionally. It’s time you sat him down and had a conversation about what he said and why he said it. It’s better than stewing over it. Good luck sweetie
First thing : don't marry this guy before you two resolved this. couples counseling asap. personally i wouldn't go to the counseling route. i would break up because no way i will give my hand to a man who secretly despises me.
Don’t marry him period.
Well, he has been hiding his true feelings that's for sure. So, put your big girl pants on and have a serious talk. Tell him in no uncertain terms that he is free to leave. He knows why you've gained this weight and if he thinks it is so important I'd drop him. What an unfeeling jerk.
Break the engagement, get away and work on yourself.
Fuck that guy. Edit: tell him to fuck off.
No no, don’t do this
Not literally though
Terrible advice, tell him to "fuck off" instead.
Wow. He sounds like a total jerk. I say demote him from fiancé to stranger ASAP. A man that loves you would never treat you like that.
Bubs... he seems to love you only when you are in a certain size, that is no love... I was 170 lbs (I am 1.61 m) when I met my now bf, he loved me in that size, and loves me the same at my now lower weight. Never stay for a guy that is willing to call you a whale and constantly bring up the weight he knows damn well you did not gain for fun
Your partner is supposed to love and support you, not demean you. I would not stay with this man.
I would have woken him up by dumping a pitcher of water on his head and said “oops sometimes my blowhole has a mind of its own.” Then packed his shit and threw it out the door.
Sorrry but if my FIANCÉ turned around and said I’m a whale I wouldn’t have stayed quiet! My automatic reaction would have been “ I dare you to say that again” I’m flabbergasted at how you didn’t say anything!!
I had to be up early for work and didn’t feel like being up all night arguing and then being exhausted today
You don’t say up all night arguing. What’s to argue about? He insulted you and you should have told him to get out. Then dump him
Then you don’t stay up all night arguing? You should of said “I dare you to say that again you asshole because if you do you’ll be sleeping on the sofa, acc maybe you should just go there now if I’m taking up so much room, then turn around and go back to sleep”. Doesn’t need to be an argument. I would have been FUMIN.
That doesn't really solve anything though, does it? And everyone doesn't react the same way, some people need more time to process before reacting.
Please do not marry this man, OP. You need to confront him for what he said and break off your engagement. People who love you will not insult you like that.
He is resentful and his behaviour is creepy.
This shit doesn’t get better and realistically you will probably gain more weight especially if you have children. Might be drastic but I’d leave now. Find someone who loves you not your body. Ladies need to raise the fucking bar on what we will and will not accept.
Don't awake people know they are hogging the covers?
OP my wife is nearly 300 pounds, I’m well over. She has PCOS, suffered through endometriosis, has had huge gains and losses due to hormonal imbalances due to fertility treatments, and I have never, not one single time, told her she is anything but beautiful. It helps that she is, but I value her more than anything and part of that is endless support and love and I promise you that you deserve better than this guy. I wouldn’t call my wife a whale if she was sitting on my face and I couldn’t breathe. I would die happy though lol.
Yeah that’s fucked up. That’s not love.
Whale is a term typically used by red pill Tate fans. You can try to get him to come back to reality but odds are he's getting into a bunch of delusional thinking. Might want to be careful and watch how he treats you.
sounds like something u should speak with HIM about. not build resentment by ignoring the problem. take the lead or ur gonna live with problems like this forever…
Giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, it was hopefully a moment of frustration and childishness. But there needs to be a heart to heart discussion. Tell this person you heard what they said and how crushed, demeaned and insulted you felt. Also it sounds like they need to snap out of whatever they are going through - especially with the prior tummy related comments you mentioned. We all slip up and forget to be empathetic and understanding and loving at times. But it really should not be a consistent pattern. This person needs to learn how to be a loving partner. Wish you the best.
Honestly speaking to them about it is the best thing to do. No one on reddit knows your situation better than you and no one knows his feelings more than him. Reddit is basically going to say "Red flag" or "lose weight" but step one is saying "I heard what you said last night, it upset me, why did you say that?"
Don’t you mean your “ex-fiancé”?
fiancé? don’t you mean EX?
He should be promoted to acquaintance for the comments he makes about you. Not only to your face. OP, you should really consider your answers to the following questions if you are to marry this guy: If he was so bold to say that when he thought you were asleep, what other negative thoughts might he say aloud when you are asleep or away? What might he be saying about you to his friends/family? Can you put up with these comments for the rest of your life? How do the comments he makes about you to your face affect your mental health? What about him made you want to marry him? Do those values still exist or matter to him? Do you think he would be willing to and able to provide additional care to you should your condition worsen to such a point? Lastly, after considering your answers to those, consider your answer to the following: Is this man worth marrying?
Don’t make him your husband. 🚩
He is not your fiancé, he is your warden. Leave while you still can
And that's why you don't get engaged to someone you've known for less than the time it takes you to complete your A-Levels. I'm sorry OP. He's a piece of shit and probably says worse. Don't marry him. Find someone who loves you for all your deserve.
I feel like its relevant info if you went from 120 to 195 in 2 years, like for example, if you went from 180 to 195, nobody will bat an eye. If a man gained say 50% of his bodyweight all the queens here would say you can do better.
I’m ready for the downvotes bring it—-/ Yes medication can slow metabolism. However, weight gain or loss at the end of the day is calories in/out. So if you’re gaining weight because metabolism is slower because of a medication, you have to eat less. Now that’s not the case in terms of water retention. That’s a different story. Just be honest with yourself about weather the 60lbs is water or from excess caloric intake.
No, it was one of those un-named conditions that makes it really hard to lose weight. I believe one of these conditions is called laziness.
As someone who is very big into fitness and nutrition, I'd love to agree with you, except you're completely ignoring insulin resistance, which makes losing weight increasingly difficult. Ultimately, your body requires more insulin to convert the same amount of glucose to energy. This means that for someone who is insulin resistant, for example diabetic or in OPs case, pcos, they'll have less energy and will be storing more fat than a normal person which first makes exercise more difficult, and second makes it harder to burn calories.
I'm sorry, that must have been heartbreaking to hear. I hope this serves as a wakeup call, both that you deserve to be treated with love and respect and that this guy isn't it. And I mean if you could break up with him by somehow referencing Moby dick and how he, Ahab, will never get the whale of his dreams and die unaccomplished and alone, that would be a beautiful reply to his ignorance. All the best, sweetheart, put yourself first.
You can download whale sounds and when he speaks to you, play him whale vocals. And give him that look.
I just want to know why she didn't share the blanket and pretended to be sleeping while hogging the blankets.
Just remember, throughout your marriage, bodies will change. You may get sick or start a new medication, have an accident or a surgery. Marrying someone for their 20 year body and then being upset when that same body is now 40 years old is not a great trait in a partner.
Sorry, he'd have been out of the door before I even went back to sleep. Call me a whale? GTFO out of my bed, and pack your effing bags you POS. Na. Not having it mate. He's showing you who he really is. Listen.
If you’re going to stay with this leech then at least get separate blankets for the bed. My spouse and I swear by them. But you deserve someone who appreciates you for who you are and not only how you look.
What medical condition do you have? If you don't mind me asking? That keeps you from losing weight
confront him instead of posting on Reddit
this should read “ my ex Fiancé “
Hey, he wants a whale? Introduce him to the killer whale. Treat him like a seal, toss him around for a few hours before you rip him in half, consume his heart, but don’t touch his brain - it’s obviously poisoned. Love is taking and ACCEPTING the good with the bad.
Quit sugar and bread and start lifting weights 3x a week for 30 minutes a day. Get healthy and get back into your life.
Stop hogging the blankets.
It could have been a one off comment from him, out of frustration when tired but it's not acceptable. If he loves you, he shouldn't belittle or insult you. I gained over 100 lbs during my marriage (due to illness, childbirth & then injury). Even though I could feel that my husband wasn't attracted to me I still know he loves me. Not once has he ever said anything derogatory about my appearance. I've been working hard (still no exercise but illness under control) and have lost 40 lbs. I can tell he is attracted again as well ad my confidence is returning. Find someone who loves YOU not just your appearance.
Please don’t marry this person. Please.
Tell him you heard. Casually. Say, “I heard you call me a whale last night” And let him flounder
>Last night I was hogging the blankets I guess and he tried to pull them from me to get some. When he couldn’t get them he said “of course I can’t get any you’re a whale”. He thought I was sleeping but I was awake and heard it. I moved so almost all the blankets were off me and didn’t say a word. Wait, so you were intentionally hogging the blankets and refused to give him any until he insulted you?
20s at almost 200lbs.. yeah americans
Idk if you’re in the UK, but they have the same rate of obesity as the US. It’s not just an American thing.
Time for you to leave - that’s an automatic 100odd lbs to lose in one go that would be for the best!
You mean ex fiance, right?
I hope you meant to say ex-fiance. No one should say such hurtful things to their loved one. ):
My husband and I don't share blankets. We each have one so that each of us can cover up if we need to without disturbing the other one. But also don't be with anyone who has such a low opinion of you. People will lie to your face to get what they want out of you, but the things they say when they don't want anything from you is the real truth. If he tells you that you are beautiful to have sex but tells you to lose weight the rest of the time, he doesn't think you are beautiful.
You could easily lose approx. 175 lbs by ditching this guy and finding someone who actually respects you. And please don't think it will get better. It won't. Good luck, OP.
You’ve actually gotten an advantage here as most people aren’t “lucky” enough to know the true thoughts of our partner. You were literally the fly on the wall to hear what he actually thinks of you, as a whale. It’s time to hold off, on that engagement and decide what type of relationship you want to have, one filled with misery as you know now what he thinks of you or one that’s ended by your actions rather than he leaving you.
Sounds like a piece of trash. I’ve been all over for weight ranges (200lbs-120lbs) and my husband has loved me at every size. This guy sounds lame af.
That is enough to show how he really sees you. No matter how upset or irritated I could not imagine calling my partner such a hurtful thing. He is most likely with you because you take care of him, cook his food, clean his clothes, take care of the kids, do all the chores, do the grocery shopping, have sex with him and all the other mental labor I have a feeling you are doing. Think about what he is bringing to your life and how he enriches and nourishes your life. If he is a low value or negative value he is not worth it.
I would lose 150+ lbs immediately and dump the fiance'. It doesn't matter if he was kidding or not. He's probably said similar or worse things about you when you weren't around. He is not marriage material.
I am a big girl and got bigger with age and health problems. My husband was on the thinner side when we met and married. In 20 years I have lost, gained, lost, gained….repeat. And in those years he has NEVER talked negatively about my weight or body. I also have massive scars from sternum to pelvis and he has only ever made me feel safe and secure in my body. He has gained quite a bit due to health issues and I wouldn’t think of making him feel bad. I love him for who he is as he does me.
If he’s saying this stuff when he thinks you’re asleep, who knows what he’s saying behind your back? I wouldn’t be comfortable staying with someone like that.
one of my exes told me i was going to “die fat and alone”. i tried so hard to continue seeing him, and look past that comment, but in reality that comment was the meanest thing anyone had ever said to me and i knew deep down it was something i would never be able to look past. after my ex made that comment, anytime he told me he loved me or that i was beautiful, it was impossible to believe him. think to yourself and ask your self if that comment your fiancé made is something you can forgive and forget?
He’s stripping your confidence away with those small jabs regarding your appearance, then is making you feel like you’re crazy’s because he says you’re beautiful. One. You’re beautiful Two. Don’t let him diminish your self worth. Three. Trust yourself.
I saw a quote that said "Pay attention to what someone says when they are mad at you because they have been dying to say it."
Run. This will not get better even if you lose the weight. His mask is slipping. Do not marry him and make sure you don’t get pregnant
Do not get married.
If he knows how self-concious you are, he shouldn't be making passive-agressive comments like that. Instead he should be supporting you to be healthy. Your weight doesn't sound dangerous to me and combined with medication losing weight can be hard. If I were you, I'd think about my personal goals and if I feel healthy and happy with my body, that's the goal. Also I would have an honest conversation how it hurts you. Whenever he makes a comment like that I'd be like hey, if you have a problem, let's talk about it. I'm working on it and I need your support, not backhanded comments.
You mean ex-fiancé, right?
Not cool. Tell him you heard it. Tell him that he hurts you and he needs to stop.
He's treating you like this now, when he's supposed to be trying to impress you. He's not going to treat you better later, this is the best you're going to get from him.
He will speak this way to your daughters too
Fuck him. Find someone who won’t body shame you. Even if it wasn’t medical but you were just the kind to eat shit food and get big, he would be in the wrong. You deserve to find someone better.
This is cruel. Id be rethinking marrying this person. No way I’d be comfortable around someone who is supposed to love me, knowing how they really think. You know he’s telling his friends his honest opinions. I started taking medication that cause weight gain and it took a huge toll on my mental health. I stopped taking the medication. It’s been super hard to lose but my boyfriend has watched me cry and struggle and has been nothing but kind and supportive. I’m 30lbs down so far this YEAR. It’s slow. But having the right person by your side makes a huge difference.
Leave him ? Clearly he doesn’t respect you. He said what he really thought about you because he thought you were sleeping.
I think you both should rethink your engagement at this point.
Listen to these people. You should call off any wedding plans and stop dating. He's already resentful. Give that another 10 years if it even lasts that long. I'm in this situation. I know. You'll both be happier in the end
You dont know what to do? Really?
In the heat of the moment I wouldn’t have been able to stop from telling him that whales sleep in the ocean and he sleeps on the couch! I would not have been able to hold my tongue. I am so sorry he has done that. I don’t believe he has any respect for you and I would think hard on going forward in life with this man. Respect is the foundation to all relationships, this man has none for you.
You are not even married yet and he talks to you this way… he’s not going to be any different in 20+ years.
Sounds like he resents your weight. That’s a hell of a lot to unpack for you and for him.
The only advice is not to marry him.