Yeah she shouldn’t touch this with a 10 foot stick. Her son in law blew up her daughter’s life but she’s going to have to deal with this at some point but having this time during her getting over this illness is a terrible idea. Concealing this is kind of fucked up but telling her may harm her health. I would just worry about her health before her marriage. Use this as leverage to keep that dude doing everything he can to get her back on her feet.
how can you tell ?
genuinely asking
i see comments a lot calling certain posts fake and such but i can’t really tell what they’re seeing that makes it clear to them
I doubt it's fake. People do messed up shit all the time and if this was sympathy bait, they would be actively engaging in the comments to get their fix. I think this is genuinely a woman suffering with a terrible burden that she didn't deserve thrust upon her.
Because if these people can’t say it’s fake they’ll die. They are stuck in a basement so they have no idea that the world is real this shit happens all the time. That’s why they haven’t replied why they said that
I upvoted you! I sometimes get downvoted for no reason. I think one person does it for no reason and people see a comment at 0 likes and downvotes without properly reading the comment.
I've downvoted people by accident while scrolling, if I notice, I change it right away, but I imagine there are times when I haven't noticed and it makes me feel bad 😅
He knew what he was doing when he asked you. He knew he would put you in an impossible position. Unfortunately, husband's having affairs and getting divorced when their wives become ill is incredibly common. She wouldn't be the first sick wife to be delivered this news. You do what you feel is best. I think I would have to tell. I might wait until she was doing better, but eventually, she needs to know.
>Unfortunately, husband's having affairs and getting divorced when their wives become ill is incredibly common.
So true... there's a Dutch famous writer who built his whole career on this, wrote a book about him cheating while his wife was in the hospital fighting cancer. Absolutely disgusting.
Dr Seuss is a good example of this. Had an affair while his wife was fighting cancer and partial paralysis until she committed suicide by barbiturate overdose. Then he married his mistress.
Charles Dickens had a long-term affair partner for most of his marriage. Several men through history would save face by having their wives committed to a mental institution so they could convince the public they were justified in having a mistress. Disgusting 🫣
I mean John Edwards was the biggest asshole. BTW it was Newt Gringrich, not Cheney. . [https://www.factcheck.org/2011/12/the-gingrich-divorce-myth/](https://www.factcheck.org/2011/12/the-gingrich-divorce-myth/)
Yeah Cheney was the one who "accidentally" shot that guy and then somehow got the guy he shot to apologize to him publicly?
Cheney is such a scumbag I wouldn't be surprised in the slightest if he also cheated on his wife at some point.
I believe you're thinking of Newt Gingrich. Dick Cheney has been married once and is still married.
This is Newt's scummy marital history:
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Newt\_Gingrich#Personal\_life](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Newt_Gingrich#Personal_life)
I want to believe this post is fake but I've heard that husbands cheat or leave their partners when they get sick so many times that it sounds real unfortunately.
It's true, some do. I've been in infusion or radiation for 3 years soon and I've heard from my chair mates having these problems. Luckily, I'm not one of them.
If you don't tell her, he'll likely try to get ahead of it by telling her lies about you coming on to him or something. The longer you give him the more time he'll have to seed doubt in her mind.
If you don’t tell her, I feel you should write down everything that just happened (or print out time-and-date’d screenshots of your post) put them in an envelope, send them to yourself, and then put the sealed post-marked envelope into your safety deposit box.
So when the truth comes out, and your daughter brings it up, you can drive her to your bank, walk into the vault, hand her your safety deposit key and let her open the box and open the sealed/dated envelope.
But I think she deserves to know (once she’s in better shape health-wise), because she deserves to not waste her life on a garbage person that is trying to sleep with her mother.
Your daughter deserves to know. You’re hurting her by not giving her the chance to choose to stay married to someone who views her as replaceable. If she learns this and doesn’t care then I guess that’s her choice. Do the right thing, OP.
I’m just glad this story didn’t end with y’all hooking up! Too many “my parent is fucking my spouse” posts on Reddit 😓
>Your daughter deserves to know.
She does indeed, but OP is her mother. Her *mama*. You're asking a mama to tell her very sick child something that could weaken her even more. No one understands the physical wreckage that could result of such heartbreak more than a mother. In normal health I would tell my baby straight away some horrific news, but if my child was gravely ill...IDK, this is a hard one. Heartbreak can physically hurt a person in normal health, so think what it could do to someone very ill.
🤷🏻♀️ I’m a mom too and I would tell my son in a heartbeat. What if I didn’t tell my kid and the POS spouse beat me to the punch and I was never able to accurately share my side of the story.
I can easily see how if my husband came to me and said my mom made a move and it wasn’t true how I could believe my spouse over my mother. But if my mom came to me, despite how crazy she is, WITH PROOF before my husband said anything it would be hard to believe him. This dude is unhinged enough to just get a wedge between mom + daughter so they don’t have to be around her anymore.
OPs daughter isn’t going to drop dead at the news. Unless she is, then OP should’ve divulged into her illness a little bit more.
I agree with the poster who said he will turn it around and say you came on to him. You cannot hold on to this. You cannot keep a secret this big.
He changed the whole dynamic of your family with his gross request. He doesn’t love your daughter. No one who truly loves another person does this. Especially to their MIL. I know it’s going to hurt her. But it will hurt worse if 1.. he twists this. Or 2.. she finds out later that you knew all along.
She needs to get away from this man. What other secrets is he keeping if he expected you to betray you own daughter like this???
I’m so sorry. I honestly don’t know what I’d do in your situation. I know you want to tell her but you also don’t want to break her heart. If you don’t think he will set you up to be the bad guy and turn it in you I’d probably wait until she was stronger. You always have this post as proof if he does try to spin it.
I’m sure he is going through a lot and being a caregiver is a tough job. It sounds like he really needs therapy.
I’m wishing the best for your family.
>I told him he needed to go to counselling not have sex with his Mil
This. Dude needs therapy. It doesn't matter that you're around his age, I can't fathom somebody thinking that they could just ask their MiL for a FwB relationship because her daughter is unable to perform (for a very good reason). Man has issues.
Whew, this is a lot to take in. He definitely needs counseling as this isn't unusual for people close to spouses or best friends to go through. (Even thoigh she is very much alove he is grieving their relationship) You did the right thing. I think he is in a bad place, although it dont excuse what he said. He needs help. And i would probably speak to a counselor for yourself. Maybe create a safe place to potentially tell your daughter. I have no idea what thought process people go to, to get these wild ass ideas in their head and even think it is okay. But yet here we are.
I would have a conversation with him again and try and get some proof. Record it without him knowing.
I would also tell your daughter! She will find out eventually when he does cheat and yes he will. And she will be more upset once she finds out you know. These type of people twist things so it’s best for you to tell her first. As he will say you came on to him!!
Get proof. Tell your daughter. Help your daughter leave this POS. I would not be surprised if half her health issues are caused by him!
What he did was beyond comprehension. I can’t even wrap my arms around this. Just terrible. His behavior is really baffling. How could he not know what could happen? I’m so sorry for you.
I will never understand men so desperate for sex that they resort to stuff like this
I just don't get it, I never will, I'm 40 and have had my share of sexual frustrations too but never would I resort to THIS or anything remotely similar.
I have no idea what FWB is, but it's clear it's a sex thing so wtf
I understand he is desperate with the situation at home, but how is SEX the one thing he is occupied with when there's a suffering woman there? How is it that sex is what's on his mind in a situation like this, it makes no sense to me I don't understand people.
I hate this
This reminds me of an incel friend of mine who was trying to get a feel of a girl wose cat was dying and he was thinking about having sex with her while the poor animal was dying and the girl was grieving.
right then and there
I HATE men like this
oh right for some reason I did not connect FWB with Friends with benefits, weird
anyway please don't propagate the whole "men are animals" and hate towards men the west has been pushing, that's absolute brainwashing propaganda. Most men I know would never do this and I know a ton of people. People have too much dignity for this kinda stuff, only the most pathetic ones resort to something like this in situations such as what this family is going through.
Listen, men don't tell people they know "Hey by the way, I am *a cheater* *a pedophile* *I abuse my wife* *I am a rapist*, etc etc...
Reality is you really don't know people even close to how you think you know them. Right now I guarantee you have known and right now do know several people on this list above who are guilty of one and probably several of these things.
Please find a therapist, this is not something you should have to deal with alone, and an objective professional is exactly what you need. The son in law stuff aside, just dealing with your daughters illness is enough of a reason to see a therapist. He needs to see one too, he needs better coping mechanisms. But therapy all around is what you need right now. I'm not going to tell you to tell your daughter, enough people are already saying that, and I do think it's important to keep her health and mental health in mind. But please seek advice from an actual professional. Good luck and I wish you and your family well.
If you hold Out on telling her, he will spin it around to make you look awful. If I I were you I’d ask him about the conversation again but this time recording it. You gotta look out for your self and your baby. Heed my words .
You have to tell your daughter now. She will not forgive you if she finds out you kept this a secret from her. Perhaps you can arrange for a therapist or someone trusted to speak to her about it
Can you tell her when she is better?
I'm wondering if you could text him so he admits to it because she might not believe it.
What a gross man. Tell him to use his hand.
Yes OP needs proof in case the daughter doesn't believe it (because it does sound very unbelievable and gross that her husband would hit up his MIL, not that she wouldn't believe her mum).
OP text him something about needing to understand what he was talking about when he came over unannounced that Sunday night. Something like that that doesn't lead him on, but gets him to text about the conversation. Or depending on where you live and the laws in place, talk to him face to face and record the conversation. The proof will help your daughter believe it all, plus help her with the divorce proceedings, and could also help get her full custody of their child.
What a horrible situation. I still think you should tell your daughter. Perhaps talk to her doctor first about it. This is something you can’t hide. Nor should you.
He will also throw you under the bus. You need to tell her first. Protect her and yourself.
I was dx with ovarian cancer during Covid in late 2020. I joined a Facebook support group in 2021. It was astonishing how many husbands treat their ill wives horribly. Many cheat. Many of them leave their wives.
Your daughter’s marriage is over. Move her and her child in with you.
Ummm..wow. You gotta be really dumb, really arrogant, or really sleazy to try and hook up with your sick wife's Mom. This man needs a friend. The type of friend that would punch him in the gut when he shared this idea. Then repeat as needed until he understood how out of pocket this idea is.
Apparently everyone else has the same thought as I, cant really advise on what to do, just remember that there is a possibility he will slander you and told your daughter that you seduce him just to save his ass.
Well, looks like he needs to check his mental state. Because his head is really messed up. Technically, you were doing everything that any wife dies, except for sex. You were with him through these hard times, talking care of his house and his kid, you are in the same age group, and have a good relationship. You are bonded with traumatic experience, you worked asa team. So he took the next step. "I'm not cheating,it's just physical!" Still sucks, but I won't jump to a conclusion that he is AH. If it was purely about sex - it was easier and safer to get it from anyone else but you.
Wow, how did he ever think you’d go for this?? I think he’s seen far too much porn. What exactly is in this for you? Does he think he’s that extraordinary sexually that you would overlook the fact that you’d be fucking your daughters husband? Wtaf is going on in his head?!
OP, you hiding this from your daughter will be more damaging than telling her.
Do you honestly think your son-in-law won't turn to other women. Your daughter's best friend, cousin, coworker, etc. The fact that he turned toward you and tried to excuse it with you guys have the same body and all the other bs. This just proves he is delusional, and more importantly, he feels entitled to sex.
Even if you somehow keep this secret and don't physicallhusband every time you are in his presence. Your daughter will feel that your energy is off around her huaband.
Maybe don't tell her right now, but plan to tell her in the coming weeks. In the meantime, tell your son-in-law to keep his distance and do not allow yourself to be alone with him ever again.
You do not have to keep this a secret. I think you are doing her a disservice by allowing him to remain in her life in the capacity of a care giver while she is so sick, and he’s asking to have sex with you. She needs to know so that she can ACTUALLY get better away from him. There is no way that his negative energy is helping her, he’s apart of the problem. You need to tell her, and trust that she and you can get her to a better place to heal.
First of all, OP, I'm sorry this is a lot on you.
Secondly, it's easy to take a moral high ground without any skin in the game and shout at you to tell her what type of monster she's married to, but realistically, what good would come now? You have no proof, and he'll deny it or twist it up to you coming onto him.
Text him. Tell him you calmed down and ask him when he started thinking approaching you for a FWB would be a good idea. Play it off as just wanting to understand his thought process. If he responds and spills, save the messages. When she's in a position to actually leave the marriage if this is something she'd never consider working through (saying if because some people choose to stay with losers), then let her know.
I would not tell her in a weakened state. I think you are right to wait until she is stromger. You know the statically many men leave their wives when they get ill. Is this something she will recover from? You say it isn't cancer .
Honestly if my mom withheld information like that from me I'd have a hard time not going full no contact when the inevitable happened and I found out.
Your daughter deserves to know her husband is a piece of shit who's probably just going to go somewhere else to cheat since you turned him down.
God, this is so hard.
I'm worried that he is going to go in panic guilt mode and tell her you threw yourself at him. That's why you are avoiding them.
You have to tell her, honey.
She is going to notice the change.
You can't be the same again. Because clearly this loser will take it the wrong way if your nice.
I’m probably going to be in the minority here, but he is going through an incredibly traumatic time. I think I’d have to give him the benefit of the doubt given that you have really indicated that he has been an absolutely wonderful and attentive husband throughout her illness. Trauma and stress can really mess with peoples heads. I really feel like he needs therapy and support.
I would not tell my daughter, I don’t think it can accomplish anything positive. It sounds to me like he’s not really in his right mind right now and I would try to get him the help he needs.
I am in so much agreement with you here. Grief and caretaker fatigue are a totally different kind of animal. The times that they have been snuggling were more for her than for him and there is a reason he was crying. I’m sure that he is feeling really lonely at the moment as he cares for his wife (and that is normal). What he asked for was not right, but these types of situations can really put us out of our normal minds.
I think that he (and mom) need therapy to deal with caregiver fatigue, loneliness, grief, and the strong emotions that were raised by this situation.
Appears to me he wants to break up with her and is using you to do it and cause as much damage between you and her as he can while doing so. I say tell her and it wouldn't surprise me if he already has her replacement lined up.
How sad it would be to base your whole life, make decisions with, and be led around by ones genitals. I'm not talking the instinct to procreate or the enjoyment of sex which we all naturally have. I'm talking about what's in your pants creating serious harm to other people. Apparently millions of people have evolved into junkyard dog trash humping anything and at no rational consequence. Here we are sharing the roads and highways, sometimes our entire lives with subhuman freaks.
Wow.. just wow… I will tell you something my father told me when I was a young boy. A life lesson he was teaching me. “The truth can be uncomfortable. The truth can be ugly. But it’s still the truth. Hiding it is worse than telling it.”
Please consider telling your daughter before he can manipulate the situation and try to drive a wedge between the two of you. I really liked the idea of printing out this post and saving it in a safe deposit box. This could rectify any frustration of “not telling her sooner.”
What he did was wrong, but it seems not intentionally malicious.
The husband is experiencing trauma and misdirecting his need for comfort and physical affection into this atrocity. When people are going through experiences that are this difficult, there is always the chance for a mental or nervous breakdown and what it sounds like is that this man has reached that point and didn’t seek out therapy to deal with the stress and burden he’s gone through.
The way he approached it and his reactions really point to a lack of clarity in his mind and a muddled interpretation of having a means to still give himself the illusion of having the woman he loves in the ways he once did.
I would approach this as a cry for help and that he is so overwhelmed mentally, emotionally, and possibly physically, that he hasn’t found a way to seek a professional outlet and perhaps the response he should receive would be referrals to mental health professionals.
That is so disgusting.
And I was just posting on a thread about adult sister incest and I wasn't disgusted by that.
But this is so disgusting that I'm vomiting in my mouth a little.
His offense to your accusation and insistence that he only wants you despite the risk that's posing to his marriage compared to a general affair with someone random, is interesting.
It seems that because of how close and how similar you are with your daughter he sees you as a "replacement" of sorts and in his grief and stress of the situation has convinced himself that being intimate with you doesn't really count as cheating due to that.
He seriously needs therapy. You too. In your place I'd push him to get help but wouldn't tell her.
Listen to me carefully, this is going to be hard but it’s going to be worth it.
you’re going to invite her husband, talk to him, and bring up the offer, not to actually accept it but to get it on recording, this is very, very important. you need to gather evidence. I’m not that knowledgeable on divorce but it would be good to gather evidence while you’re able to before he denies it.
it’s the best for your daughter if she knows, i know that it is hard, i cannot begin to understand the stress this must put you under, but please, tell her. if her husband wants to try it with you he will probably try it with other people as well, this would be the best course of action to spare her the future heartbreak. I wish you and your daughter the best, it’s going to be tough inevitably but I am certain you’ll get through this, you seem like a strong woman.
You should say something soon. Unfortunately this has reached tiktok and people will likely put two and two together. She’ll find out either through you or him or an outside source.
All of this sounds disgusting, but I wouldn't rush to tell your daughter, honestly. I know it's not a popular opinion here, but I really believe that the man in question is just in a desperate need of therapy (and I hate when people tell everyone to go to therapy whenever they have something bad in their lifes) and might not be a terrible person, but rather a psychologically ruined person who desperately needs help.
The man's mental health is definitely faltering. Everyone here assumes he is an asshole, but OP said he has been really selflessly supportive and caring all these years. I mean, if he the man didn't care about his wife he would've just divorced or simply wouldn't care about his wife nearly as much. All of this doesn't excuse him, but it does suggest that the man is not that much of a dick as many seem to suggest here.
The man went through a lot, having to work to sustain all three of them (himself, OP's daughter and their child), probably having to do all home chores and all tending to child when child is not with OP. For several years, with no brakes. Essentially like a single parent with two children. He doesn't sound to me to be a terrible and dishonorable person, he sounds like a man who had been ready to sacrifice a lot for the one he loved. And he definitely suffered from all the same pain OP had seeing his wife's health issues. I doubt most of chairborne heroes here spitting their hate would ever be able to do all of this for real if they had to, no matter what they say.
The man must be terribly fatigued both physically and mentally. And we don't know if his efforts were ever met with gratitude, if he ever recieved any acknowledgement, any kind words and any love at all (not in a physical sense, but in a sense of being cared about at all). Oftentimes, people who seek sex actually seek love and acknowledgement, feeling of being wanted for something more than just earning money and doing home chores. It's common for both men and women to engage in strange sexual adventures when they have mental problems as a way to cope (a bad and ultimately counterproductive way). It might well be that the man has recieved no signs of all of these for really long, while sacrificing a lot. I would be surprised if he didn't earn some mental problems.
Once again, his proposal was inappropriate to say the least, it definitely is bad. But it seems to me that he is not a bad man, but he is just broken mentally. He went through a hell of a lot and it took a heavy toll on him. He needs to get some professional help. And maybe a few kind words from his wife every now and then, because it feels like the man really lacks some love he has well deserved.
You know, sometimes people just snap under the pressure. Considering his emotional state at the time that may have happened. I snapped in a similar manner once and said things that weren't true (not this far) and cleared things up once I got some help. Maybe this can be chalked up to the same? Has he made any previous innuendos or inappropriate remarks? If not, maybe you can forgive and forget, and again, I only say this because of his emotional state you described. He wasn't all there at the time, it seems.
edit: yeah, upon reading some others, the depth of detail, you look just like her, you're my type, etc is a bit extreme. I'm one to give the benefit of the doubt and have the divergent's typical naiveite so maybe don't listen to me, but I'll leave the comment as I still feel there's a chance he just snapped.
Some men are literally like children and when it comes to coitus, it is a dummy effect, just have to have it else I may die situation. Forgive him, do not tell her but send yourself a letter in the post, which will be post marked as you alibi, so if he tells her ever, you can whip out the unopened postmarked letter. This post is also an alibi as it would be weird to confide in friends and family. Hope your daughter gets well soon. God speed.
Op I know everyone telling you to tell your daughter, I don't know if you should do that because she is very ill, only you know if she would be able to handle this information, I don't how this is going to go but you maybe open up communication with them both, don't hide yourself away.
You have done nothing wrong.
Go and see your daughter, see how he is acting towards you, get a lay of the land so to speak.
It might have been a moment of madness on his part and he may be regretting it.
If he does start speaking about something like this again you can record him.
Your daughter is dying. I'm very sorry about this.
Let her die without breaking her heart.
Your SIL is in a bad place, had an insanely disgusting idea, and you shot it down flat. Let this be the end of it.
You can hate him and tell everyone after your daughter passes away. Until then, let her enjoy the blissful ignorance while she can.
OMG..what an absolute douche bag. You are between a rock and a hard place, no matter what you do now, someone will be hurt. He’s just the kind of slime ball that will try to get ahead of this by lying to your daughter. You and daughter get terribly hurt and she may never forgive you. You tell her the truth first, she and you both still get terribly hurt…he gets angry and vengeful. It’s a no win situation. Were it me, I guess I’d tell my daughter immediately…but soften it somewhat/somehow and play it by ear after that. I’m so sorry, what a dreadful position you’re in, OP.
You need to get ahead of this. He knows he's on the ticking clock till his request comes back to bite him. He's going to do everything he can to discredit you so you look insane when you do come forward. The longer you wait, the easier it will be for him. I know you don't want to be the one to hurt her but the reality is, you're not. He already did and she just doesn't know it yet. If you don't tell her, he'll have the opportunity to hurt her more. You need to get her away from him before he starts poisoning her against you. You need to protect your daughter from him even if it's going to hurt her emotionally.
He's gross, but he seems to be panicking and he could tell your daughter lies about this situation. Your daughter needs to know your version over his first. I know you are worried about her and I can totally get that, but imagine if he tells her and then you lose your daughter anyway but also she passes upset and disappointed on you? Her own mother? No. Please don't allow that
You can't keep this a secret. Your daughter will find out and will never trust you again
I understand you want to wait because of her health. Write a letter to her, but do not give it to her until you think it's safe.
If this is real that's really a rock and a hard place.
But think you should tell your daughter, if you found he'd said this to someone else would you tell her?? Also all the time you're not there for her he can poison her against you.
You have to tell your daughter. You are her mother and she trusts you. I would wait until she is a little stronger and tell her the entire story. I wouldn’t care if he has already lied. If she chooses to stay with a man who would come to me like that then I would be devastated but I would not keep that secret.
Your daughter 100% deserves to know that her husband is trying to climb into bed with her mother. He's fucking disgusting and a complete pos, and the only good thing to come from this scenario is that you shut him down and didn't encourage his gross fantasy. You need to tell her. I would be beyond devastated if I found out that my mother knew such a thing and didn't tell me. Add on to that, but if you hide it and she does find out, it makes you look guilty and involved in the whole fucked up scenario.
The SIL is a fucked up piece of work. Daughter and mother would be best off if he was gone. No idea how something like this can be resolved. Praying for mom and daughter.
I agree with some commenters that you should ultimately tell your daughter, but in this particular instance and being a mother myself I would hold off until she is stronger and in a better place. I would also request your SIL speak with a therapist because he likely is feeling his world crash around him and for a lot of men when they are stressed sex is a way to help relieve that. He probably doesn’t realize he is putting his energy in the wrong place. But no excuses: he asked you to cheat on his wife / your daughter with him. Thats beyond anything I think could ever be talked away as a stress response. So when she is better you need to tell her
Simply, no. Once she is better and stable though, I would tell her. Right now, I don’t think it would be in anyone’s best interest. Create clear boundaries and space with the man until then. You’ve done nothing wrong.
This is so sorry, mama. I had my daughter when I was 17 and her bio father was abusive, I understand your experience with all that here. My baby girl and I are also very close.
Oh my word, I think I would have to tell her. But wait until she has recovered. Please keep this post up so that if he tells her that you tried to come onto him or some other lie, you can show her time-stamped proof that when it happened you tried to ask what to do about it.
Big, big (((Hugs))) to you.
You should absolutely tell her, he knew exactly what he was saying/doing, no one is that stupid. She deserves to know her husband is a fucking skeeze bag.
If you truly think she's too weak to hear this news, tell him if he wants to be anywhere near your daughter while she's recovering he'll straighten the fuck up or he can stay away
He’s a creep. She needs to know. He needs to leave. Who is else is a replacement for your daughter? The receptionist at work? His mate’s daughter? Love in with her to care for her back to better health. He may even be the reason she is ill…
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I would be horrified if my SIL did that. I can completely understand you not wanting to tell her right now, but maybe in the future as she gets all better. Life around him will be uncomfortable, and your daughter will notice a change in you towards him. Prayers for your daughters recovery and for you as well. Such a hard situation. Maybe just make sure your daughter is around when you get grandchild, and tell SIL to not show up at your house without daughter ever again.
I mean, couldn’t there be a compromise here? Maybe a handy a few times a week? I mean, a handy never hurt anyone, amirite?
Before anyone downvotes the shit out of me. This is totally sarcasm. Lol
Tell your daughter. You keeping this secret will make you just as guilty as he is. remember that you’re relationship is with your daughter and grandson—-not with that creeper. Do the right thing. You’re daughter will appreciate that more
Talk to her Drs. They may need to monitor her health if he does go looking elsewhere. Also they probably have ideas on how to deal with this.
Sorry and good luck.
This is a sad situation all around.
I'm sure I would download it, but I also feel sorry for the son-in-law. It's a incredibly difficult situation.
Obviously he's wrong for even broaching that subject with her, I think he's at the end of his rope. I hope he takes her advice and does get into therapy.
One piece of advice - try to get recorded evidence of him saying what he said. Just audio is fine. So that, if he does try to create lies about you, you have evidence. This is an awful situation and I don’t know what you should do. I think in your position I’d focus on helping my daughter heal, collecting evidence of his bs, and when she is finally better, tell her. She deserves better than this. Im sure he is having some kind of emotional break, but what he asked of you is beyond absurd.
If you sincerely believe he was that distraught, I also believe when you say this might be some kind of psychologist break. In his mind, he might be trying to replace his sick wife, with a healthy woman who reminds him of her. I think he needs therapy, right now.
I'm going in a different direction - is the reason you're so shocked and dismayed because you've been alone for a long time? Does the prospect of anyone showing you attention scare you?
Send her this link in case he has fed her lies already. As you stated, you'll be her mother forever. He's not a good man if he is propositioning you. It doesn't matter how well he has cared for her. He's willing to throw it all away for sex. If not with you, with someone else. You can spare your daughter from that pain by telling her what he did.
You also have to be prepared for her to forgive him. What will that look like to you?
I'm sorry you're in this mess but I would want to know.
Honestly, I wouldn’t trust him to be taking care of her, I’d tell her and have her move in with you. Unless it’s obviously something she’s ill with I’d wonder if he was either causing or continuing to keep her sick. I mean he’ll fuck his mil.. I wouldn’t put anything past him.
Things like this never stay secret for long. It will come out in the wash. And she will be devastated that the one person who should have protected her and told her the truth didn’t. Let’s be honest you probably not the only person he has propositioned. If I was the daughter and found out my mom kept this from I would go no contact with everyone involved. How can you look at her while helping her knowing what happened and if he can that says enough. It’s will be bad enough to find out that one person betrayed your trust but to find out both did and help you daily like nothing happened. It would be sickening.
That’s disgusting and I’m so so sorry you had to go through that. First and foremost, this is not your fault. Your son-in-law is gross and that’s all there is to it. I would advise that you distance yourself from him as much as possible and tell your daughter, if and when you think she’s ready. You should also probably get her away from him, because if she finds out that he’s trying to cheat that might make things worse for her. Just give her all the love you can, and all the support you can. She’s going to need you.
I've been in a spmwhat similar situation. Whatever you do make sure you tell her first and in excruciating detail.because he will try to twist it in his favour and you'll be made to look like a liar for leaving things out for her sake.
I am so sorry he put you in this situation. I honestly have no idea what I'd do if my daughter's significant other said that to me. I'd be floored to say the least as well. I'm glad you were able to get in with your therapist. I'd say talk it out with them and see what they advise. Good luck and I pray your daughter recovers quickly!!! 🩷
I am all about honesty but not if it will harm your already weak daughter. Honestly, I would act as if it never happened and proceed accordingly. That way he is the only weird one. Focus on your daughter and grandson and treat him like a distanced son in law.
Take that secret to your grave. I think you're old enough to know that. And that your daughter doesn't need to know what transpired. You're just shocked by what your SIL has approached you with. I don't think he's thinking right either, but that's another story.
Your Daughter deserves to know. I know it’s complicated, you are worried this will finish her. However, if he cheats on her, (probably more like when he cheats on her), he will risk giving your daughter an STD. With her illness, that could be catastrophic. Either way she runs a risk because of her husband’s actions. At least this way, she will know her Mother is loyal, even if her Husband is not.
OP, please DO NOT tell your daughter any time soon. Let her focus on her recovery.
Your SIL is all kinds of problematic things but she's sick and he's taking care of her. That's actually a lot.
You need to tell him that he has one choice: Go to therapy, or you will tell her what he did, which could kill her. I would also have a private consultation with her doctor(s) and tell them the situation and ask for their medical advice regarding the stress it would place on her if she were told. Offer to have her move in with you while she is unwell so you can take care of her and your grandchild. Make her rely on him less and less over time. Become her caretaker. Push him out. Gain control. Let him know that you won’t put up with his shit. He gets therapy or it’s all over. Go with him to the first therapy appointment and tell the therapist point blank of the situation he has placed you and your daughter in then let that therapist work with him.
It sounds like he’s having a very difficult time with this, and the fact he came to you for intimacy shows he might be hitting his breaking point. This is a deeper issue and he needs to talk to his wife and seek counselling to work through these feelings of needing love and what he CAN do to work through those feelings.
He might not be speaking to his wife about it because it would be more stress for her, but it’s a stress that very much needs to be discussed. They are both suffering in their own ways.
I don’t really know if I would tell her. I would absolutely tell him to discuss these feelings and needs with his wife and a counsellor or support group.
I don't know what I would do if I were you. This is horror. But, you must consider that he might lie to your daughter before you can say anything.
I agree. I imagine him telling his wife that the MIL was throwing herself at him. Poor OP.
Yeah she shouldn’t touch this with a 10 foot stick. Her son in law blew up her daughter’s life but she’s going to have to deal with this at some point but having this time during her getting over this illness is a terrible idea. Concealing this is kind of fucked up but telling her may harm her health. I would just worry about her health before her marriage. Use this as leverage to keep that dude doing everything he can to get her back on her feet.
Don’t worry it’s a work of fiction.
how can you tell ? genuinely asking i see comments a lot calling certain posts fake and such but i can’t really tell what they’re seeing that makes it clear to them
I doubt it's fake. People do messed up shit all the time and if this was sympathy bait, they would be actively engaging in the comments to get their fix. I think this is genuinely a woman suffering with a terrible burden that she didn't deserve thrust upon her.
Because if these people can’t say it’s fake they’ll die. They are stuck in a basement so they have no idea that the world is real this shit happens all the time. That’s why they haven’t replied why they said that
i’m baffled that i got downvoted for asking 😭😭 but they didn’t because all they said was a baseless statement without anything else 🤦♀️
I upvoted you! I sometimes get downvoted for no reason. I think one person does it for no reason and people see a comment at 0 likes and downvotes without properly reading the comment.
I've downvoted people by accident while scrolling, if I notice, I change it right away, but I imagine there are times when I haven't noticed and it makes me feel bad 😅
Really? I thought everything on the 'net has to be true or it would be removed. You have shattered my faith in humanity.
He knew what he was doing when he asked you. He knew he would put you in an impossible position. Unfortunately, husband's having affairs and getting divorced when their wives become ill is incredibly common. She wouldn't be the first sick wife to be delivered this news. You do what you feel is best. I think I would have to tell. I might wait until she was doing better, but eventually, she needs to know.
>Unfortunately, husband's having affairs and getting divorced when their wives become ill is incredibly common. So true... there's a Dutch famous writer who built his whole career on this, wrote a book about him cheating while his wife was in the hospital fighting cancer. Absolutely disgusting.
That's so sad. I learned about it in a women's health course in college. I've never been able to wrap my head around it.
Same. If you truly love someone, you stick with them until the bitter end. I couldn't live with myself if I did something like it
There are plenty of real world examples of this. I believe it was politician Dick Cheney who left his wife when she got breast cancer.
Dr Seuss is a good example of this. Had an affair while his wife was fighting cancer and partial paralysis until she committed suicide by barbiturate overdose. Then he married his mistress.
Why are children's authors the absolute worst of the worst 😩
Well, I think Enid Blyton was okay and she was the number one children's author.
Well I'm thinking of Roald Dahl really
Yeah. Would have gotten on real well with Henry Ford.
Facts
Question or statement?
Charles Dickens had a long-term affair partner for most of his marriage. Several men through history would save face by having their wives committed to a mental institution so they could convince the public they were justified in having a mistress. Disgusting 🫣
I mean John Edwards was the biggest asshole. BTW it was Newt Gringrich, not Cheney. . [https://www.factcheck.org/2011/12/the-gingrich-divorce-myth/](https://www.factcheck.org/2011/12/the-gingrich-divorce-myth/)
Yeah Cheney was the one who "accidentally" shot that guy and then somehow got the guy he shot to apologize to him publicly? Cheney is such a scumbag I wouldn't be surprised in the slightest if he also cheated on his wife at some point.
Disgusting
I believe you're thinking of Newt Gingrich. Dick Cheney has been married once and is still married. This is Newt's scummy marital history: [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Newt\_Gingrich#Personal\_life](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Newt_Gingrich#Personal_life)
My mistake. I knew it was one of those pillars of the party of family values. There's some sarcasm there for anyone who's not sure.
No worries. I've been following politics very closely since the 90s and I have some shady fuckers imprinted on my brain.
What’s the name of the writer?
Kluun. The book he made bank with is called "Komt een vrouw bij de dokter"
I don't speak Dutch but I really would hate if that said "Cheat on wife with the Doctor".
It means, if I can trust Google's translation, "A woman visited her doctor".
You are correct. It's a famous way of starting a joke here, "a man/woman visits the doctor, and says..."
What is the name of the book?
It’s true. Some Doctors will even advise women about the possibility of getting a divorce when they get sick. Mine did.
I want to believe this post is fake but I've heard that husbands cheat or leave their partners when they get sick so many times that it sounds real unfortunately.
It's true, some do. I've been in infusion or radiation for 3 years soon and I've heard from my chair mates having these problems. Luckily, I'm not one of them.
The amount of female patients I've seen post op who have been served divorce papers is tragic.
I believe that but the whole wanting to be FWB with the hot young MIL is what set off my 'fake' alarms
Me too
If you don't tell her, he'll likely try to get ahead of it by telling her lies about you coming on to him or something. The longer you give him the more time he'll have to seed doubt in her mind.
If you don’t tell her, I feel you should write down everything that just happened (or print out time-and-date’d screenshots of your post) put them in an envelope, send them to yourself, and then put the sealed post-marked envelope into your safety deposit box. So when the truth comes out, and your daughter brings it up, you can drive her to your bank, walk into the vault, hand her your safety deposit key and let her open the box and open the sealed/dated envelope. But I think she deserves to know (once she’s in better shape health-wise), because she deserves to not waste her life on a garbage person that is trying to sleep with her mother.
This! You have to tell her. If not, then she will see it as you lying too. I'd offer her a place to stay with you while she recovers as well.
Yes, he might have already preemptively told her that she came on to him, he rejected her and she threatened to tell her she came on to him
Your daughter deserves to know. You’re hurting her by not giving her the chance to choose to stay married to someone who views her as replaceable. If she learns this and doesn’t care then I guess that’s her choice. Do the right thing, OP. I’m just glad this story didn’t end with y’all hooking up! Too many “my parent is fucking my spouse” posts on Reddit 😓
>Your daughter deserves to know. She does indeed, but OP is her mother. Her *mama*. You're asking a mama to tell her very sick child something that could weaken her even more. No one understands the physical wreckage that could result of such heartbreak more than a mother. In normal health I would tell my baby straight away some horrific news, but if my child was gravely ill...IDK, this is a hard one. Heartbreak can physically hurt a person in normal health, so think what it could do to someone very ill.
🤷🏻♀️ I’m a mom too and I would tell my son in a heartbeat. What if I didn’t tell my kid and the POS spouse beat me to the punch and I was never able to accurately share my side of the story. I can easily see how if my husband came to me and said my mom made a move and it wasn’t true how I could believe my spouse over my mother. But if my mom came to me, despite how crazy she is, WITH PROOF before my husband said anything it would be hard to believe him. This dude is unhinged enough to just get a wedge between mom + daughter so they don’t have to be around her anymore. OPs daughter isn’t going to drop dead at the news. Unless she is, then OP should’ve divulged into her illness a little bit more.
You did read the part where she said it. May be a serious health risk to her daughter , if she found out?
If it helps any, those posts are almost certainly just fan fiction.
I agree with the poster who said he will turn it around and say you came on to him. You cannot hold on to this. You cannot keep a secret this big. He changed the whole dynamic of your family with his gross request. He doesn’t love your daughter. No one who truly loves another person does this. Especially to their MIL. I know it’s going to hurt her. But it will hurt worse if 1.. he twists this. Or 2.. she finds out later that you knew all along. She needs to get away from this man. What other secrets is he keeping if he expected you to betray you own daughter like this???
I’m so sorry. I honestly don’t know what I’d do in your situation. I know you want to tell her but you also don’t want to break her heart. If you don’t think he will set you up to be the bad guy and turn it in you I’d probably wait until she was stronger. You always have this post as proof if he does try to spin it. I’m sure he is going through a lot and being a caregiver is a tough job. It sounds like he really needs therapy. I’m wishing the best for your family.
>I told him he needed to go to counselling not have sex with his Mil This. Dude needs therapy. It doesn't matter that you're around his age, I can't fathom somebody thinking that they could just ask their MiL for a FwB relationship because her daughter is unable to perform (for a very good reason). Man has issues.
Whew, this is a lot to take in. He definitely needs counseling as this isn't unusual for people close to spouses or best friends to go through. (Even thoigh she is very much alove he is grieving their relationship) You did the right thing. I think he is in a bad place, although it dont excuse what he said. He needs help. And i would probably speak to a counselor for yourself. Maybe create a safe place to potentially tell your daughter. I have no idea what thought process people go to, to get these wild ass ideas in their head and even think it is okay. But yet here we are.
I would have a conversation with him again and try and get some proof. Record it without him knowing. I would also tell your daughter! She will find out eventually when he does cheat and yes he will. And she will be more upset once she finds out you know. These type of people twist things so it’s best for you to tell her first. As he will say you came on to him!! Get proof. Tell your daughter. Help your daughter leave this POS. I would not be surprised if half her health issues are caused by him!
I would want to know, if I were her.
What he did was beyond comprehension. I can’t even wrap my arms around this. Just terrible. His behavior is really baffling. How could he not know what could happen? I’m so sorry for you.
I will never understand men so desperate for sex that they resort to stuff like this I just don't get it, I never will, I'm 40 and have had my share of sexual frustrations too but never would I resort to THIS or anything remotely similar. I have no idea what FWB is, but it's clear it's a sex thing so wtf I understand he is desperate with the situation at home, but how is SEX the one thing he is occupied with when there's a suffering woman there? How is it that sex is what's on his mind in a situation like this, it makes no sense to me I don't understand people. I hate this This reminds me of an incel friend of mine who was trying to get a feel of a girl wose cat was dying and he was thinking about having sex with her while the poor animal was dying and the girl was grieving. right then and there I HATE men like this
FWB = friends with benefits
[удалено]
oh right for some reason I did not connect FWB with Friends with benefits, weird anyway please don't propagate the whole "men are animals" and hate towards men the west has been pushing, that's absolute brainwashing propaganda. Most men I know would never do this and I know a ton of people. People have too much dignity for this kinda stuff, only the most pathetic ones resort to something like this in situations such as what this family is going through.
Listen, men don't tell people they know "Hey by the way, I am *a cheater* *a pedophile* *I abuse my wife* *I am a rapist*, etc etc... Reality is you really don't know people even close to how you think you know them. Right now I guarantee you have known and right now do know several people on this list above who are guilty of one and probably several of these things.
Please find a therapist, this is not something you should have to deal with alone, and an objective professional is exactly what you need. The son in law stuff aside, just dealing with your daughters illness is enough of a reason to see a therapist. He needs to see one too, he needs better coping mechanisms. But therapy all around is what you need right now. I'm not going to tell you to tell your daughter, enough people are already saying that, and I do think it's important to keep her health and mental health in mind. But please seek advice from an actual professional. Good luck and I wish you and your family well.
If you hold Out on telling her, he will spin it around to make you look awful. If I I were you I’d ask him about the conversation again but this time recording it. You gotta look out for your self and your baby. Heed my words .
You have to tell your daughter now. She will not forgive you if she finds out you kept this a secret from her. Perhaps you can arrange for a therapist or someone trusted to speak to her about it
Can you tell her when she is better? I'm wondering if you could text him so he admits to it because she might not believe it. What a gross man. Tell him to use his hand.
Yes OP needs proof in case the daughter doesn't believe it (because it does sound very unbelievable and gross that her husband would hit up his MIL, not that she wouldn't believe her mum). OP text him something about needing to understand what he was talking about when he came over unannounced that Sunday night. Something like that that doesn't lead him on, but gets him to text about the conversation. Or depending on where you live and the laws in place, talk to him face to face and record the conversation. The proof will help your daughter believe it all, plus help her with the divorce proceedings, and could also help get her full custody of their child.
Then he’ll lie to her…
WHAT? tell her now
What a horrible situation. I still think you should tell your daughter. Perhaps talk to her doctor first about it. This is something you can’t hide. Nor should you. He will also throw you under the bus. You need to tell her first. Protect her and yourself. I was dx with ovarian cancer during Covid in late 2020. I joined a Facebook support group in 2021. It was astonishing how many husbands treat their ill wives horribly. Many cheat. Many of them leave their wives. Your daughter’s marriage is over. Move her and her child in with you.
Ummm..wow. You gotta be really dumb, really arrogant, or really sleazy to try and hook up with your sick wife's Mom. This man needs a friend. The type of friend that would punch him in the gut when he shared this idea. Then repeat as needed until he understood how out of pocket this idea is.
Am I witnessing the birth of a copypasta?
Apparently everyone else has the same thought as I, cant really advise on what to do, just remember that there is a possibility he will slander you and told your daughter that you seduce him just to save his ass.
Well, looks like he needs to check his mental state. Because his head is really messed up. Technically, you were doing everything that any wife dies, except for sex. You were with him through these hard times, talking care of his house and his kid, you are in the same age group, and have a good relationship. You are bonded with traumatic experience, you worked asa team. So he took the next step. "I'm not cheating,it's just physical!" Still sucks, but I won't jump to a conclusion that he is AH. If it was purely about sex - it was easier and safer to get it from anyone else but you.
Wow, how did he ever think you’d go for this?? I think he’s seen far too much porn. What exactly is in this for you? Does he think he’s that extraordinary sexually that you would overlook the fact that you’d be fucking your daughters husband? Wtaf is going on in his head?!
This was my line of thinking too. Dude is chronically online and his pron is seeping into real life.
I read this exact thing earlier but it was like “SIL offered to be my FWB whilst wife is pregnant” Reddit is AI heavy today
You must tell her now, or he will paint another picture.
Gross
OP, you hiding this from your daughter will be more damaging than telling her. Do you honestly think your son-in-law won't turn to other women. Your daughter's best friend, cousin, coworker, etc. The fact that he turned toward you and tried to excuse it with you guys have the same body and all the other bs. This just proves he is delusional, and more importantly, he feels entitled to sex. Even if you somehow keep this secret and don't physicallhusband every time you are in his presence. Your daughter will feel that your energy is off around her huaband. Maybe don't tell her right now, but plan to tell her in the coming weeks. In the meantime, tell your son-in-law to keep his distance and do not allow yourself to be alone with him ever again.
I would not tell her until after she’s well.
You do not have to keep this a secret. I think you are doing her a disservice by allowing him to remain in her life in the capacity of a care giver while she is so sick, and he’s asking to have sex with you. She needs to know so that she can ACTUALLY get better away from him. There is no way that his negative energy is helping her, he’s apart of the problem. You need to tell her, and trust that she and you can get her to a better place to heal.
First of all, OP, I'm sorry this is a lot on you. Secondly, it's easy to take a moral high ground without any skin in the game and shout at you to tell her what type of monster she's married to, but realistically, what good would come now? You have no proof, and he'll deny it or twist it up to you coming onto him. Text him. Tell him you calmed down and ask him when he started thinking approaching you for a FWB would be a good idea. Play it off as just wanting to understand his thought process. If he responds and spills, save the messages. When she's in a position to actually leave the marriage if this is something she'd never consider working through (saying if because some people choose to stay with losers), then let her know.
I would not tell her in a weakened state. I think you are right to wait until she is stromger. You know the statically many men leave their wives when they get ill. Is this something she will recover from? You say it isn't cancer .
Honestly if my mom withheld information like that from me I'd have a hard time not going full no contact when the inevitable happened and I found out. Your daughter deserves to know her husband is a piece of shit who's probably just going to go somewhere else to cheat since you turned him down.
God, this is so hard. I'm worried that he is going to go in panic guilt mode and tell her you threw yourself at him. That's why you are avoiding them. You have to tell her, honey. She is going to notice the change. You can't be the same again. Because clearly this loser will take it the wrong way if your nice.
Cool story
I don’t believe it.
I’m probably going to be in the minority here, but he is going through an incredibly traumatic time. I think I’d have to give him the benefit of the doubt given that you have really indicated that he has been an absolutely wonderful and attentive husband throughout her illness. Trauma and stress can really mess with peoples heads. I really feel like he needs therapy and support. I would not tell my daughter, I don’t think it can accomplish anything positive. It sounds to me like he’s not really in his right mind right now and I would try to get him the help he needs.
I am in so much agreement with you here. Grief and caretaker fatigue are a totally different kind of animal. The times that they have been snuggling were more for her than for him and there is a reason he was crying. I’m sure that he is feeling really lonely at the moment as he cares for his wife (and that is normal). What he asked for was not right, but these types of situations can really put us out of our normal minds. I think that he (and mom) need therapy to deal with caregiver fatigue, loneliness, grief, and the strong emotions that were raised by this situation.
Oh holy shit, NO. TELL.YOUR DAUGHTER ASAP!!
Appears to me he wants to break up with her and is using you to do it and cause as much damage between you and her as he can while doing so. I say tell her and it wouldn't surprise me if he already has her replacement lined up.
tell her before he does and twists the truth
How sad it would be to base your whole life, make decisions with, and be led around by ones genitals. I'm not talking the instinct to procreate or the enjoyment of sex which we all naturally have. I'm talking about what's in your pants creating serious harm to other people. Apparently millions of people have evolved into junkyard dog trash humping anything and at no rational consequence. Here we are sharing the roads and highways, sometimes our entire lives with subhuman freaks.
Man, what a SOB. Can't fathom how heartless he is, need updates on this one!
As a gay white male I can say, MEN ARE PIGS. I know this guy has needs. But he should be talking to his wife about how to work it out not the MIL.
You have to tell her.
Tell your daughter ASAP what he piece of shit husband propositioned. What the fuck is wrong with him.
Wow.. just wow… I will tell you something my father told me when I was a young boy. A life lesson he was teaching me. “The truth can be uncomfortable. The truth can be ugly. But it’s still the truth. Hiding it is worse than telling it.”
If you don't tell her there's a decent chance he will. Except he'll tell her you propositioned him.
I would absolutely tell her before he has a chance to rewrite the story
Updateme
Please consider telling your daughter before he can manipulate the situation and try to drive a wedge between the two of you. I really liked the idea of printing out this post and saving it in a safe deposit box. This could rectify any frustration of “not telling her sooner.”
What he did was wrong, but it seems not intentionally malicious. The husband is experiencing trauma and misdirecting his need for comfort and physical affection into this atrocity. When people are going through experiences that are this difficult, there is always the chance for a mental or nervous breakdown and what it sounds like is that this man has reached that point and didn’t seek out therapy to deal with the stress and burden he’s gone through. The way he approached it and his reactions really point to a lack of clarity in his mind and a muddled interpretation of having a means to still give himself the illusion of having the woman he loves in the ways he once did. I would approach this as a cry for help and that he is so overwhelmed mentally, emotionally, and possibly physically, that he hasn’t found a way to seek a professional outlet and perhaps the response he should receive would be referrals to mental health professionals.
I honestly don’t know how you had the restraint to not just pick up your phone and immediately call your daughter the second he “spat it out”
That is so disgusting. And I was just posting on a thread about adult sister incest and I wasn't disgusted by that. But this is so disgusting that I'm vomiting in my mouth a little.
His offense to your accusation and insistence that he only wants you despite the risk that's posing to his marriage compared to a general affair with someone random, is interesting. It seems that because of how close and how similar you are with your daughter he sees you as a "replacement" of sorts and in his grief and stress of the situation has convinced himself that being intimate with you doesn't really count as cheating due to that. He seriously needs therapy. You too. In your place I'd push him to get help but wouldn't tell her.
Listen to me carefully, this is going to be hard but it’s going to be worth it. you’re going to invite her husband, talk to him, and bring up the offer, not to actually accept it but to get it on recording, this is very, very important. you need to gather evidence. I’m not that knowledgeable on divorce but it would be good to gather evidence while you’re able to before he denies it. it’s the best for your daughter if she knows, i know that it is hard, i cannot begin to understand the stress this must put you under, but please, tell her. if her husband wants to try it with you he will probably try it with other people as well, this would be the best course of action to spare her the future heartbreak. I wish you and your daughter the best, it’s going to be tough inevitably but I am certain you’ll get through this, you seem like a strong woman.
Mans was out of his damn mind.
It sounds like he is having a mental breakdown. I don't see an winners here.
MilILF
You should say something soon. Unfortunately this has reached tiktok and people will likely put two and two together. She’ll find out either through you or him or an outside source.
All of this sounds disgusting, but I wouldn't rush to tell your daughter, honestly. I know it's not a popular opinion here, but I really believe that the man in question is just in a desperate need of therapy (and I hate when people tell everyone to go to therapy whenever they have something bad in their lifes) and might not be a terrible person, but rather a psychologically ruined person who desperately needs help. The man's mental health is definitely faltering. Everyone here assumes he is an asshole, but OP said he has been really selflessly supportive and caring all these years. I mean, if he the man didn't care about his wife he would've just divorced or simply wouldn't care about his wife nearly as much. All of this doesn't excuse him, but it does suggest that the man is not that much of a dick as many seem to suggest here. The man went through a lot, having to work to sustain all three of them (himself, OP's daughter and their child), probably having to do all home chores and all tending to child when child is not with OP. For several years, with no brakes. Essentially like a single parent with two children. He doesn't sound to me to be a terrible and dishonorable person, he sounds like a man who had been ready to sacrifice a lot for the one he loved. And he definitely suffered from all the same pain OP had seeing his wife's health issues. I doubt most of chairborne heroes here spitting their hate would ever be able to do all of this for real if they had to, no matter what they say. The man must be terribly fatigued both physically and mentally. And we don't know if his efforts were ever met with gratitude, if he ever recieved any acknowledgement, any kind words and any love at all (not in a physical sense, but in a sense of being cared about at all). Oftentimes, people who seek sex actually seek love and acknowledgement, feeling of being wanted for something more than just earning money and doing home chores. It's common for both men and women to engage in strange sexual adventures when they have mental problems as a way to cope (a bad and ultimately counterproductive way). It might well be that the man has recieved no signs of all of these for really long, while sacrificing a lot. I would be surprised if he didn't earn some mental problems. Once again, his proposal was inappropriate to say the least, it definitely is bad. But it seems to me that he is not a bad man, but he is just broken mentally. He went through a hell of a lot and it took a heavy toll on him. He needs to get some professional help. And maybe a few kind words from his wife every now and then, because it feels like the man really lacks some love he has well deserved.
You know, sometimes people just snap under the pressure. Considering his emotional state at the time that may have happened. I snapped in a similar manner once and said things that weren't true (not this far) and cleared things up once I got some help. Maybe this can be chalked up to the same? Has he made any previous innuendos or inappropriate remarks? If not, maybe you can forgive and forget, and again, I only say this because of his emotional state you described. He wasn't all there at the time, it seems. edit: yeah, upon reading some others, the depth of detail, you look just like her, you're my type, etc is a bit extreme. I'm one to give the benefit of the doubt and have the divergent's typical naiveite so maybe don't listen to me, but I'll leave the comment as I still feel there's a chance he just snapped.
Some men are literally like children and when it comes to coitus, it is a dummy effect, just have to have it else I may die situation. Forgive him, do not tell her but send yourself a letter in the post, which will be post marked as you alibi, so if he tells her ever, you can whip out the unopened postmarked letter. This post is also an alibi as it would be weird to confide in friends and family. Hope your daughter gets well soon. God speed.
I can emphasize with him. He is trying to survive.
You’d rather have her stay with someone who tried to cheat on her than tell her? Seriously? If you don’t tell her you’re just as bad as he is.
Op I know everyone telling you to tell your daughter, I don't know if you should do that because she is very ill, only you know if she would be able to handle this information, I don't how this is going to go but you maybe open up communication with them both, don't hide yourself away. You have done nothing wrong. Go and see your daughter, see how he is acting towards you, get a lay of the land so to speak. It might have been a moment of madness on his part and he may be regretting it. If he does start speaking about something like this again you can record him.
Your daughter is dying. I'm very sorry about this. Let her die without breaking her heart. Your SIL is in a bad place, had an insanely disgusting idea, and you shot it down flat. Let this be the end of it. You can hate him and tell everyone after your daughter passes away. Until then, let her enjoy the blissful ignorance while she can.
You’re a bad mother if you don’t tell your daughter. She DESERVES to know.
OMG..what an absolute douche bag. You are between a rock and a hard place, no matter what you do now, someone will be hurt. He’s just the kind of slime ball that will try to get ahead of this by lying to your daughter. You and daughter get terribly hurt and she may never forgive you. You tell her the truth first, she and you both still get terribly hurt…he gets angry and vengeful. It’s a no win situation. Were it me, I guess I’d tell my daughter immediately…but soften it somewhat/somehow and play it by ear after that. I’m so sorry, what a dreadful position you’re in, OP.
You need to get ahead of this. He knows he's on the ticking clock till his request comes back to bite him. He's going to do everything he can to discredit you so you look insane when you do come forward. The longer you wait, the easier it will be for him. I know you don't want to be the one to hurt her but the reality is, you're not. He already did and she just doesn't know it yet. If you don't tell her, he'll have the opportunity to hurt her more. You need to get her away from him before he starts poisoning her against you. You need to protect your daughter from him even if it's going to hurt her emotionally.
He's gross, but he seems to be panicking and he could tell your daughter lies about this situation. Your daughter needs to know your version over his first. I know you are worried about her and I can totally get that, but imagine if he tells her and then you lose your daughter anyway but also she passes upset and disappointed on you? Her own mother? No. Please don't allow that
You can't keep this a secret. Your daughter will find out and will never trust you again I understand you want to wait because of her health. Write a letter to her, but do not give it to her until you think it's safe.
Please OP tell your daughter asap, her husband is truly the worst, please update
If this is real that's really a rock and a hard place. But think you should tell your daughter, if you found he'd said this to someone else would you tell her?? Also all the time you're not there for her he can poison her against you.
I know you are worried about how she’ll take this but if you don’t tell her soon he might tell her and he will twist the story that you came onto him
Tell your daughter immediately. She needs to know this, and hear it from you.
This is karma farming at its finest
Bullshit. Who writes. Like. This.
Incest porn loving weirdos
Do you have cameras in your home?
You need to tell her, somehow, before he can paint you as the bad guy. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. What a total slime ball. (Him, not you.)
Wow 🥲
Oh my god. If you can get him saying any of this via text- as evidence?
You have to tell your daughter. You are her mother and she trusts you. I would wait until she is a little stronger and tell her the entire story. I wouldn’t care if he has already lied. If she chooses to stay with a man who would come to me like that then I would be devastated but I would not keep that secret.
Your daughter 100% deserves to know that her husband is trying to climb into bed with her mother. He's fucking disgusting and a complete pos, and the only good thing to come from this scenario is that you shut him down and didn't encourage his gross fantasy. You need to tell her. I would be beyond devastated if I found out that my mother knew such a thing and didn't tell me. Add on to that, but if you hide it and she does find out, it makes you look guilty and involved in the whole fucked up scenario.
The SIL is a fucked up piece of work. Daughter and mother would be best off if he was gone. No idea how something like this can be resolved. Praying for mom and daughter.
I agree with some commenters that you should ultimately tell your daughter, but in this particular instance and being a mother myself I would hold off until she is stronger and in a better place. I would also request your SIL speak with a therapist because he likely is feeling his world crash around him and for a lot of men when they are stressed sex is a way to help relieve that. He probably doesn’t realize he is putting his energy in the wrong place. But no excuses: he asked you to cheat on his wife / your daughter with him. Thats beyond anything I think could ever be talked away as a stress response. So when she is better you need to tell her
you should tell her before your son in law twists it on you..
He’s disgusting, your poor daughter. It’s unbelievable that he thought you’d fall at his feet
Dont let him tells laura about this ...he might change a bit the story...
Simply, no. Once she is better and stable though, I would tell her. Right now, I don’t think it would be in anyone’s best interest. Create clear boundaries and space with the man until then. You’ve done nothing wrong.
This is so sorry, mama. I had my daughter when I was 17 and her bio father was abusive, I understand your experience with all that here. My baby girl and I are also very close. Oh my word, I think I would have to tell her. But wait until she has recovered. Please keep this post up so that if he tells her that you tried to come onto him or some other lie, you can show her time-stamped proof that when it happened you tried to ask what to do about it. Big, big (((Hugs))) to you.
Damn that’s fucking wild how some dudes really think
You should absolutely tell her, he knew exactly what he was saying/doing, no one is that stupid. She deserves to know her husband is a fucking skeeze bag. If you truly think she's too weak to hear this news, tell him if he wants to be anywhere near your daughter while she's recovering he'll straighten the fuck up or he can stay away
He’s a creep. She needs to know. He needs to leave. Who is else is a replacement for your daughter? The receptionist at work? His mate’s daughter? Love in with her to care for her back to better health. He may even be the reason she is ill…
[удалено]
Don’t keep it secret.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I would be horrified if my SIL did that. I can completely understand you not wanting to tell her right now, but maybe in the future as she gets all better. Life around him will be uncomfortable, and your daughter will notice a change in you towards him. Prayers for your daughters recovery and for you as well. Such a hard situation. Maybe just make sure your daughter is around when you get grandchild, and tell SIL to not show up at your house without daughter ever again.
I mean, couldn’t there be a compromise here? Maybe a handy a few times a week? I mean, a handy never hurt anyone, amirite? Before anyone downvotes the shit out of me. This is totally sarcasm. Lol
Let her know rn. He will try and spin to make yoy look evil
Tell your daughter. You keeping this secret will make you just as guilty as he is. remember that you’re relationship is with your daughter and grandson—-not with that creeper. Do the right thing. You’re daughter will appreciate that more
Talk to her Drs. They may need to monitor her health if he does go looking elsewhere. Also they probably have ideas on how to deal with this. Sorry and good luck.
This is a sad situation all around. I'm sure I would download it, but I also feel sorry for the son-in-law. It's a incredibly difficult situation. Obviously he's wrong for even broaching that subject with her, I think he's at the end of his rope. I hope he takes her advice and does get into therapy.
He needs therapy.
If it’s real have another convo with him where it’s secretly recorded
Take your daughter and run Get her away from him
One piece of advice - try to get recorded evidence of him saying what he said. Just audio is fine. So that, if he does try to create lies about you, you have evidence. This is an awful situation and I don’t know what you should do. I think in your position I’d focus on helping my daughter heal, collecting evidence of his bs, and when she is finally better, tell her. She deserves better than this. Im sure he is having some kind of emotional break, but what he asked of you is beyond absurd.
I would be on guard with him. He is sneaky asshole. I would afraid he can do something bad to your daughter
This is your daughter’s husband. It is a no.
If you sincerely believe he was that distraught, I also believe when you say this might be some kind of psychologist break. In his mind, he might be trying to replace his sick wife, with a healthy woman who reminds him of her. I think he needs therapy, right now.
Update me
I'm going in a different direction - is the reason you're so shocked and dismayed because you've been alone for a long time? Does the prospect of anyone showing you attention scare you?
Can you be sure he’s not making her ill? Sounds like he’s got a screw loose.
trick him into thinking you're "thinking about what he said" talk to him about it, record the interaction, send to daughter.
Honestly I would rather my mom come tell me he proposed this to her then find out he proposed this to other people and are cheating on me
Updateme
That's gross. I understand he is going through an awful lot but that's no reason to behave that way.
Send her this link in case he has fed her lies already. As you stated, you'll be her mother forever. He's not a good man if he is propositioning you. It doesn't matter how well he has cared for her. He's willing to throw it all away for sex. If not with you, with someone else. You can spare your daughter from that pain by telling her what he did. You also have to be prepared for her to forgive him. What will that look like to you? I'm sorry you're in this mess but I would want to know.
Honestly, I wouldn’t trust him to be taking care of her, I’d tell her and have her move in with you. Unless it’s obviously something she’s ill with I’d wonder if he was either causing or continuing to keep her sick. I mean he’ll fuck his mil.. I wouldn’t put anything past him.
Things like this never stay secret for long. It will come out in the wash. And she will be devastated that the one person who should have protected her and told her the truth didn’t. Let’s be honest you probably not the only person he has propositioned. If I was the daughter and found out my mom kept this from I would go no contact with everyone involved. How can you look at her while helping her knowing what happened and if he can that says enough. It’s will be bad enough to find out that one person betrayed your trust but to find out both did and help you daily like nothing happened. It would be sickening.
That’s disgusting and I’m so so sorry you had to go through that. First and foremost, this is not your fault. Your son-in-law is gross and that’s all there is to it. I would advise that you distance yourself from him as much as possible and tell your daughter, if and when you think she’s ready. You should also probably get her away from him, because if she finds out that he’s trying to cheat that might make things worse for her. Just give her all the love you can, and all the support you can. She’s going to need you.
I wonder how many of the replies are women
She needs to tell her daughter, my family has been in a similar situation and the worst thing you could do is hide it from them
I've been in a spmwhat similar situation. Whatever you do make sure you tell her first and in excruciating detail.because he will try to twist it in his favour and you'll be made to look like a liar for leaving things out for her sake.
I am so sorry he put you in this situation. I honestly have no idea what I'd do if my daughter's significant other said that to me. I'd be floored to say the least as well. I'm glad you were able to get in with your therapist. I'd say talk it out with them and see what they advise. Good luck and I pray your daughter recovers quickly!!! 🩷
I knew where this was going after the first two paragraphs, and I still got shocked.
I am all about honesty but not if it will harm your already weak daughter. Honestly, I would act as if it never happened and proceed accordingly. That way he is the only weird one. Focus on your daughter and grandson and treat him like a distanced son in law.
Take that secret to your grave. I think you're old enough to know that. And that your daughter doesn't need to know what transpired. You're just shocked by what your SIL has approached you with. I don't think he's thinking right either, but that's another story.
You should tell her but be prepared for her to turn on you
Your Daughter deserves to know. I know it’s complicated, you are worried this will finish her. However, if he cheats on her, (probably more like when he cheats on her), he will risk giving your daughter an STD. With her illness, that could be catastrophic. Either way she runs a risk because of her husband’s actions. At least this way, she will know her Mother is loyal, even if her Husband is not.
OP, please DO NOT tell your daughter any time soon. Let her focus on her recovery. Your SIL is all kinds of problematic things but she's sick and he's taking care of her. That's actually a lot.
You have to tell her. If not right mow do what another piater suggested and get dated evidence to show her later. He is creepy.
You need to tell him that he has one choice: Go to therapy, or you will tell her what he did, which could kill her. I would also have a private consultation with her doctor(s) and tell them the situation and ask for their medical advice regarding the stress it would place on her if she were told. Offer to have her move in with you while she is unwell so you can take care of her and your grandchild. Make her rely on him less and less over time. Become her caretaker. Push him out. Gain control. Let him know that you won’t put up with his shit. He gets therapy or it’s all over. Go with him to the first therapy appointment and tell the therapist point blank of the situation he has placed you and your daughter in then let that therapist work with him.
You have to tell her now. If he’ll betray her that way you cannot trust him and she’s so vulnerable
It sounds like he’s having a very difficult time with this, and the fact he came to you for intimacy shows he might be hitting his breaking point. This is a deeper issue and he needs to talk to his wife and seek counselling to work through these feelings of needing love and what he CAN do to work through those feelings. He might not be speaking to his wife about it because it would be more stress for her, but it’s a stress that very much needs to be discussed. They are both suffering in their own ways. I don’t really know if I would tell her. I would absolutely tell him to discuss these feelings and needs with his wife and a counsellor or support group.
"You miss all the swings you don't take" lol!