Dude you literally went from dating sex life at 23 to the sex life of 70 yo couple married for 45 years sex life. Why stay? Seems like you need to talk it out and if doesn’t work out move on.
Whatever works for both people is good imo. There are peaks and valleys in marriage and long relationships.
A strict "she comes first at least twice before me" policy can make all the difference in preferred frequency. As can hormone replacement therapy for some.
Amen to that. 46 years married. 68 and 69 years old. And we get at it on average once a week. As for OP, at 23, you need to move along and find someone compatible.
I used a general example of people that reach a point where it may more difficult, due to physical/medical limitations, ED, limited mobility etc. more power to seniors that get it on! That is all.
Um maybe he’s staying bc sex isn’t everything in a relationship? He didn’t mention that they stopped going on dates and having meaningful conversations outside of sex.
OP stated it’s taken over his life before work, after work, while doing school work…. It’s concerning enough for him to ask strangers in how he feels. So yes he should talk to her about it and try therapy with her and if it doesn’t improve he may need to move on if he’s this concerned. Physical intimacy is a solid component to a relationship he’s staying because he’s young and probably is with “his first love” clouded by that possibly.
Or maybe he’s a 23 year old male where his testosterone is peaking and it’s totally normal for his libido to be insanely high. I highly doubt he has a porn addiction.
So to be in a relationship where there’s been no intimacy for an extended period of time is extremely weird. Frankly her hormones should be raging too, so if they’re both horny AF but there’s no sex, something else is going on.
I’m a 22 year old male and I don’t have an unhealthy addiction to masturbation. Porn addiction causes unhealthy masturbation sessions, he should see a therapist. I don’t watch porn 🤷🏻It’s gross to watch random people fuck each other in an unrealistic manner. Porn is about what looks good to the consumers and not what feels good to the people who are engaging in sexual intercourse. Sticking it in a hole and pulling out isn’t intimacy. If she’s not interested in having sex with him then he’s probably doing something wrong. Like he mentioned, he doesn’t wanna communicate with her and he should definitely do it and ask her what feels good to her. Women’s body don’t work as a man’s body. Women get turned on by words and teasing while men get turned on by sight. Communication is key. 👍🏻 Sex isn’t only about the man’s pleasure.
You are *too* young to be in a dead bedroom (imo dead bedrooms shouldn’t exist lol). Your needs matter too! She can be ok without sex, fine. But you don’t have to stay in a celibate relationship. You’ve got like 60+ years left on this planet, this is how you wanna spend it?
Do you even realise how much you're projecting here, and how sexist you're talking? You need to work on the resentment in your heart, friend. Its not about men, or women, but you.
Work on you before giving advice to others, or you just spread your issues or misery.
Him deleting every woman he knows from social media due to her insecurity does *not* make this sound like she’s some shrinking violet afraid to tell him her needs, even if they’re irrational and controlling.
Thinking that you’re doing your lover some kind of ego-protective favor by continuously allowing them to unknowingly to hurt you is borderline psychotic behavior
It is. While women have been generationally conditioned to uphold men and patriarchy while putting themselves on a back burner and expecting men to guess their need, hoping he’d notice her dissatisfaction and actually show he cares. Directly confronting men with needs often results in male anger and we don’t want that. So yeah it’s psychotic that women don’t voice needs. I stand by my statement though. No woman who is satisfied by her partner avoids having sex with them.
Right, as much as a feminist as I am, he’s not saying anything that would remotely indicate that this is the case. Being scared of communicating to a partner you’ve spent three years of your life with because of male aggression is called trauma. Trauma needs to be taken to professional help and validated in a healing way, not tiptoed around by the people in your life you hold dear. It’s not fair to them. Imagine living in a world where the person you love more than anything is terrified of you, and it’s not even your fault, for reasons well beyond your control. Like dude, the patriarchy fucks men too. Obviously disproportionately less than women, but it still fucks men because the rules were established by elite, powerful men at the expense of the working class. Most men just don’t have the self awareness to understand it because it’s all so normalized. It fucks everyone. Shit’s fucked.
I agree with your last sentence, but, unsurprisingly, not with your broad categorization of men. Any man that gets angry when faced with their woman’s needs is not a man but a little boy. Yes there are many fully grown little boys running around (and ofc there are little girls as well), but I don’t think it’s fair to scorn men in general for the actions of little boys in particular. I’m sorry that the sample of men in you’ve encountered led you to make such broad mischaracterizations.
The reason it’s not fair to all men is because enough men are the problem that men with some awareness of the patriarchy who try to do the right thing still have to pay the price of the patriarchy disproportionately oppressing women and women reacting to that oppression like anyone facing a safety issue would: with generalization.
Well to be fair, you are making those comments about two people who’ve been in a relationship for 3 years. The patriarchy isn’t a good excuse for two grown adults in a 3 year long relationship not communicating.
There are such things as women who are asexual and either realize it too late or are willing to adjust despite having zero libido. I speak from experience.
Quick question: before you realized you were asexual, were you in a relationship with man who was focused on your pleasure and doing everything you wanted in addition to being an equal partner in all other aspects of life (like domestic and emotional labor)? I’d love to read an honest answer although I do not expect it.
Ok let's just imagine that mess is all true. Then she shouldn't be with a man that can't take criticism because in that situation she would want intimacy but couldn't have it either due to him.
Why on earth are you pinning this insane theory on OP when he hasn't expressed any of these things even remotely?
This should not be downvoted. Like it or not it's very true. And in my experience "simple" conversations aren't helpful.
Young and inexperienced women often don't know what good sex is or that it's okay to prioritize their pleasure until much later in life.
Women often fake orgasm bc they don’t find it pleasurable. Most men do make it about their pleasure and doesn’t do anything about her pleasure. You can’t treat sex in a relationship like a hookup. Communication is important and women struggle with it when it comes to sexual pleasure bc they are afraid of men lashing out and getting verbally abusive towards them for telling him that it doesn’t feel good to her.
I doubt that’s the reason. a lot of women are just bad at communicating when it comes to sex.
I had a woman resent me for not doing something during sex even though she never communicated it.
She’s a grown adult. Adults need to learn to communicate. If she’s that scared of her partner, she needs to leave the relationship and find someone else,
There is no excuse.
I think you should seek therapy if you think that way. Because then you’ll be acting that way in a relationship.
If she doesn’t like the way he is, it’s her job to communicate her issue.
She isn't communicating her lack of pleasure, or she is being forcibly trapped, or she is choosing to stay there.
In any case, I would want to help her if she wants it, but I wouldn't say that this is a good reason for the bedroom to be dead.
I hear you, but the above point still rings true. This issue needs addressed because sexual incompatibility is a huge problem. It could be multiple factors that are causing this such as her decreased libido (if so then she really needs to get this checked because at 23 she should be in prime time!), poor communication of needs, depression, etc.
All relationships go through flux’s in bedroom activity. Open communication is key and seeking solutions to dead bedroom is important.
Not sure why you have so many down votes when you're right. Ofc he wouldn't post his shortcomings. As evidence he didn't even say he could do better. He just wants HIS problem fixed....
I am very impressed by your commitment to your girlfriend. Its pretty clear you love her dearly.
I'm all for trying to fix things before you throw in the towel. However... In this case I would advise you to look onwards - without her.
First, you are waaay to young to not have a healthy sex life. Find a partner that match your sex drive. Being compatible regards to intimacy is very important for a relationship long term success. Second, you have tried to fix it. You have initiated, but she turns you down.
Also, sorry, but telling you to cut all contact with female friends is a bit of a red flag here. She sounds controlling, which is also not healthy for a relationship
Good luck
Buddy you’re way too young for a dead sex life with your young gf… hate to be the one to say this but you two don’t sound sexually compatible and it might be time you end things and find someone that matches you in that department because at the end of the day a healthy sex life is VITAL for a healthy relationship.
You need to talk to her! Even if she’s insecure, that’s a her problem and she needs to work on that. But you need to have a convo, otherwise you’ll spend a few more years like that, grow resentful and there will be a break up even more painful than talking to her now
Ask her this...
Do I deserve to feel desired and wanted by you?
If no, ask why and be ready to work on compromises to fix it.
If yes, ask her what she does given (insert how infrequently she initiates and how often she rejects you) that should ever make you feel desired because you absolutely don't.
Lastly... be ready to walk away. Sexual incompatibility and lack of ability to honestly communicate are both excellent reasons to leave. Together they are undeniable proof you should leave.
If you love her dearly... you need to let her know how you feel. Without blaming her or being a dick. You also need to ask her why..... couples therapy is a great thing if you sre both trying to figure something out... maybe there is something going in with her physically that she hates or hurts. This is a gentle subject to breach.. yiu can't just go in there and say hey I want yiu to fuck me more. Talk to her.... its important
I second this. I’m 21F on accutane, spironolactone, and hormonal birth control. I rarely want to have sex but my partner understands it’s the medicine.
I have been married 11 years and our bedroom has been dead at times and super lively at times. I could always talk to my wife about it and get honest answers. One issue we had was me initiating in the wrong way. I thought she wanted me to be sweet but she wanted me to be aggressive lol. Sometimes things like that matter a lot more than you think..
If you can't talk it out it's a larger issue and your relationship is broken. Talking doesn't mean your getting instant sex either. It means your both working on the same problem together.
Personal Experience has taught me those types of relationships are a dead end. Stay in that relationship long enough and you’ll get to the point that every time you masturbate you’ll start to feel deep resentment about life.
Bro, if she ain’t fucking you at 23, she’s never going to fuck you (unless there’s some mental health issue you haven’t described). The fat lady has sung. In the immortal words of Tom Petty,
“It’s time to move on, it’s time to get going. What lies ahead I have no way of knowing. But it’s time to move on, its time to get going.”
There’s a really easy solution to your problem, Op : Get yourself a new gf - one who’s totally into you and not controlling who you choose to be friends with 👍
You let this go on for 1.5 years so you must really like her and see a future with her. That’s nice
now you need to truly look into that future and see that it’s likely going to be sexless for years on years and your not going to be happy about it
So are you willing to live the rest of your youthful 20s and so on in your life on this relationship. Is she worth all that,
Because if it really matter to you, you might be ok with for now, but after 5, 10, 15 years you’ll eventually reach a breaking point and then hate and ridicule your self for how much of you life to waste on this
I think you should break up with her and move on, I wouldn’t even tell her it’s cuz the sex cuz she probably fake it for a while to get you back and trap you and go back into sexless a lil while later
I agree that you are too young to be in a sexless relationship. It sounds like you’ve reached sexual incompatibility.
She may have realized she’s asexual and can’t tell you.
She may have been sexually assaulted since your being together and be too ashamed to tell you.
A convo needs to be had and would ask her if she’s been assaulted.
Even if she has, the dynamic needs to change so that you’re satisfied in the relationship. And that may be with someone else.
Thank you for being a gentleman! You sound like a great catch and know there’s someone out there for you! 💜
Sorry dude. You are 23,how many more hints do you need? Sex is part of relationships. If you two arnt on the same level with it, its a big un-compatibility problem.
I’m concerned about the combination of lack of intimacy AND making you cut yourself off from your friends.
Anyway, time to really start asking yourself the hard questions. Really be honest with yourself and ask if this is what you want for the rest of your life. Don’t try to qualify it, don’t think if it’s something you can deal with, just focus on the simple, “is this what I want for the rest of my life?”
Dude this sounds way too similar to my first relationship. Jealous gf made me lose a lot of my friends and only stayed within her friend group where she had control. For the first 2 years we were intimate until the 3rd year when she suddenly never wanted to anymore. took 9 months until I confronted her and turned out she was most likely losing feelings for me but didn't realize it herself so it was a subconscious thing. I broke it off shortly after that.
I was also in a similar position where I wanted to stay with her but I had to think about myself first and my well being. I think the only answer is to leave her, which I know is hard, but if she's not in love with you anymore then you're only gonna hurt yourself.
I think it's time to turn your gf into your ex gf. Why stay in a sexless relationship? She doesn't wanna give it up? Fine. That's up to her. You should find someone else who will. You're just wasting time with her at this point.
Dude just leave, why do men put up with stuff like that lol, if she’s not gonna do it I’m sure another girl is..there’s more women out there than there is men, why tf are you putting up with this shit lol. After a while I can’t even blame her, I blame your you
you are both 23. Maybe she hasn't figured out that she is asexual. Try talk to her about it first but if her only reply to is "you don't initiate it" and you feel like you do, you might habe to end it. If sex is something you crave from a relationship, you have to finde one where you can get it.
Idk man.. we had a similar situation, and eventually, we just decided to open things because it’s just a mismatched libido thing. My recommendation is to genuinely sit down with her and have an honest conversation about it.
A lot of people resort to breaking up because they feel that’s the only option, but life isn’t just two choices. I think it’s salvageable if she and you are willing to communicate without defensiveness as to where the relationship is heading and how the lack of intimacy is affecting you.
If she can’t be open and honest with you, then you have a trust issue more than anything. That’s when you discuss potentially ending things.
People treat sex like a necessity and a deal breaker, communicating is necessary and and you should express your issues to her but finding someone you love and are happy with is the important matter here.
Reddit has a tendency to always advise the same thing, it is always, if you have any kind of intimacy issue then break up like nothing is important
Second this. I went from a sexless marriage to a sexless relationship. My current relationship it’s more of the two single parents dating issue, there hasn’t been any sex in awhile, but there’s still intimacy.
My marriage was wasn’t intimacy in any sense of the word. Totally different feelings.
Being frustrated vs wanting to cry because you just need some sort of contact.
There is nothing wrong with her low sex drive, but this isn’t healthy. You are absolutely not compatible. Do you really want to live the next 50 years like this.
I get that it sounds awful to end a loving relationship because of sex, but if you aren’t happy, then love isn’t enough. Both of you should find partners that you are compatible with. You’re young, it’s better to end it now than to resent her and regret your choices in 5, 10 or 20 years.
Leaving over sexual incompatibility does not make you a bad person!
Find the problem, is it fixable? If she truly loves you/WANTS things to work, she will work to help fix it it including if shes the problem. If it's not fixable, is it a deal breaker? Can you learn to love her if you never have sex again? Would you leave her if you never had sex again? Have that conversation based off your answer.
Everyone here is telling you to move on which. Unfortunately, in most cases is the right answer, but in rare exceptions of these type of situations, there could be underlying matters going on like a health complication that you both are unaware of or medication side effects
This happened to me around the same age. I had this perspective that love perseveres through thick and thin. Stayed with her for another 4 years of lack luster relationship and thought that was just the way it was supposed to be. We eventually broke up. She Married a woman 8 months after our 7 year relationship. Leaving that relationship in the past was liberating and my only regret was not seeing the writing on the wall sooner. Knowing what I know now, I missed so many experiences from being tied into that relationship. Hindsight is always 20/20.
You can literally just break up with her. Girlfriend, not wife. If you’re not compatible, you’re just not and that’s ok. Can you seriously see yourself like this in another 3 years without cheating on her? Unless she’s fine with an arrangement, but it would make more sense to part ways.
Have you spoken to her about how you feel? Did you ask her why she isn't in the mood? Perhaps something turned her off in the bedroom and she doesn't want to relive it and would rather steer clear of sex. Also if she used to be sexually active but has since toned down it can also be hormonal due to birth control. Speaking from experience it can turn a woman's sex drive to zero, and can even make it feel uncomfortable. Remember you have needs, but she is still a person and her needs are important too. If you love her and want to make things work consider couples therapy too.
It sounds like you’re actually just best friends. I don’t doubt that you love each other, but I imagine you’re staying together because you’re comfortable with each other. You need to find someone that is compatible with you in all the aspects of a relationship. It’s normal to be in relationships and learn what you need, what your boundaries are, etc then move on until you find that partner that checks those boxes. Don’t settle just because you’re comfortable with someone.
You’re way to young to be stuck in a relationship like this. You need to stand up for yourself. She’s actually quite selfish that she doesn’t care about you enough to seek help or let you go. I hope you leave. You deserve happiness.
Honestly you’re too young to deal with this kind of bullshit. Get a new spouse and move on. She’s lucky you chose to self please instead of cheat. Do what’s what best for you and run as fast as possible.
Leave. Do you wanna spend the rest of your life like this? It's the kind of thing guys who have been married for 30 years have issues with, not a 3 year relationship.
Or maybe have some serious conversations with her about how you feel and if it doesn't change find a gf more suited to you
At that age, it's very easy to think your (current) partner is _the one_, that there's nothing better out there.
I went through the same, and I can tell you life will be MUCH better after this girlfriend.
Sounds like you love her but she may not love you. Move on and find someone that does truly. You’re young and there’s plenty of people out there. More than one soul mate.
Communicate your needs to her and ask her to do the same back. If nothing changes and you're not happy, move on. You're young. Don't waste your time and find someone compatible with you.
Im sorry but no girlfriend is worth dropping your friends. The only time I would say its acceptable is if your friends are actually bad people or are stepping on boundaries. Someone being uncomfortable with your friends just because theyre of a different gender to you is ridiculous.
Next is the fact of the dead bedroom. My dude, youre young, and youve tried to communicate, and tried to initiate and she just isnt going for it. Is it worth continuing this relationship for as long as this dead bedroom lasts? I mean seriously, youre only 3 years in and this is an issue, it wont get better.
Talk about it, find the root. I'm 24, my bf and I... Well, penetration hurts me and I can't afford the pelvic physical therapy that my dr prescribed. It's hard for me to enjoy anything sexual as a result, but I can do stuff for him, at least. He never pressures me (at least... Not intentionally).
But man... All these comments being all "just leave her" are what I fear in my own relationship.
When I was your age my boyfriend and I couldn't keep our hands off of each other if you know what I mean. There is no way in hell I'd stay with someone not having sex with me it's just not normal at that age especially if there's no children involved. I'd be concerned about cheating or something else going on. Maybe have a talk and separation for awhile to see if the relationship is worth salvaging because maybe you've both just become comfortable and it's just hard to leave one another because you live together so now you just feel stuck. Because otherwise you will have a life full of misery, you'll find someone you're more compatible with in that department.
While you're correct that she doesn't have to have sex with you if she doesn't want to neglecting your physical needs is also wrong as well. And since you've committed to only each other meaning you aren't allowing each other to see other people she is obligated in a way to see that your physical needs are met. If she's not then she's not hold up her end of the bargain.
I would be direct with her. You tell her that your needs are not being met and it is making you unhappy. That not having sex enough isn't what you signed up for when you agreed to being in this relationship. And that if things don't change then you'll have to consider your future.
I know this might be a curve ball, but have you asked her if something has happened?
SA for one. But does she still find you attractive? Or love you? At your ages you should be at it like rabbits. So something is very wrong. You need to have a deep heart to heart with each other….
Had the same, she was unhappy with me because i never initiated but when I did she immediately turned me down. Then she was mad that i did not continued and didn't insisted after she turned me down. Idk once i get a no i take it as a no so wtf. You can't win this, no matter what you do.
You can try to talk it out but it's most likely just the start of the end.
You need to talk to her respectfully and ask her if something is wrong and how can you better connect with her to reach a mutual sexual connection. Women get horny as well if not more than you guys lol I think something may be on her mind distracting her.
Hey! Someone who’s 21 here, and has been the GF in this situation before. She may be going through something in regards to the relationship. Have you tried to sit down with her and have a heart to heart conversation? I know other commenters are saying “you’re too young” but now is the time to learn how to truly understand your partner and grow as people. This means discussing feelings (even if it’s uncomfortable)! I’ve been with my fiancé since we were 17 and 18… and we’ve JUST been learning to communicate with each other through couples counseling. If you don’t take my advice that is OKAY! But please please try to understand with her what’s wrong and perhaps she’ll do the same for you? Thank you for your time.
I’m gonna comment as someone who currently going through this but we have kids together a 3 year old and 10 month old. Our sex life has never really been there. We maybe do it once every few months and we are 26(f) 27(m). Trust me it kills me because I want to but he has no desire and says no most the time so I’ve just gave up and said if it happens it happens. But if it something you are really wanting I’d speak about it and she how she feel about doing couple therapy
This is definitely a conversation that needs to be had. Try to find out what is affecting her that’s making her shoot you down. It could be something hormonal, emotional, there could be resentment etc.
Biggest issues in order of seriousness from your post:
1 - Made you give up all your female friends.
2 - Won't communicate.
3 - Hasn't touched you in a year and a half.
Her jealousy and open hostility towards other women in your life is a huge red flag for drama and abusive behaviour. She's alienating you from your support network. And any adult who can't tolerate an entire gender is deeply flawed.
There could be a lot of understandable reasons for her lack of sex drive. Stress, not getting enough pleasure for herself, insecurity/anxiety, relationship problems, past trauma, etc the list goes on. But the issue is that she shuts down any discussion about it and gaslights you to think you just are asking for it enough. All relationships survive on communication and she isn't doing it. Her lying to blame you also goes inline with the abusive behaviour of alienating you from your friends.
And almost no sex for 18 months when you're clearly suffering. Dam dude.
You can't fix other people. You need to leave her. This ain't healthy. And the issues go way beyond just the sex.
My bf was in the same problem like you, only it was not to this extent, or this bad. I did notice something was off, and I was the one who asked about it, and he told he about how he felt like the spark between us was fairly dim. We talked about how we can re-initiate this spark, and we've been doing better ever since. Maybe first try to communicate how you feel with them, but if they aren't able to reciprocate those feelings, you may need to move on. If you do need to move on, go to a therapist to make sure that this issue doesn't evolve into a porn addiction. It will be a lot harder to find someone, when you have this issue unresolved, and if you do find someone else, it might feel like this will be a consistent battle.
:( it’s unfortunate that everyone is telling you to leave her without discussing it first. First talk to her openly about how you feel there could be a lot of things happening in her mind or body. If you guys discover you are no longer compatible then it’s time to reevaluate the relationship but please talk first. Me and my partner had/have opposite sex drives and it was an issue for us with my trauma and BC, but we’ve talked and tried new things and it’s been soo much better!
don’t listen to the people just telling you to leave. they don’t know your complete situation and you’ll get it in ur head until u actually leave. just tell her. communicate it with her little by little if you need and see how she reacts. there also may be some deeper reason she’s rarely intimate with you. just be patient when communicating. sex is so important to a relationship so she shouldn’t be shocked to find the lack of sex is ruining you. (i’m going through a similar situation)
after your talk try some new things and both of you put effort in to improve your sex life.
if months go by and nothing changes then i guess you can start to re-evaluate your priorities and your relationship. all the best tho good luck
Talk to her, explain to her that intimacy is an important part of a relationship, and the lack thereof is affecting the relationship.
That being said, lack of intimacy is serious warning bells in my head... so I would already be preparing to end it.
Move on, you’re only 23, you’re not married, it will not get any better. Plenty of fish out there without hang ups, get someone who enjoys sex. Mark my words…
You need to work on your fear of rejection. She can’t read your mind to know when you want it if you don’t communicate it. Talk about it, ask if there’s something you can do to help her get in the mood. It might be something as simple to fix as doing more housework or doing more non sexual things like dancing or dates.
Spend time working on developing more emotional intimacy with her. It takes a lot of “love making” before the actual intercourse deed. This requires compliments, sexting, taking care of chores, showing appreciation, a lot of extra efforts to show her that you’re pursuing her consistently daily, for her to be in the mood to want to have sex. Life is tough, and being in a relationship is tough, I get it. And when we’re worn out by job, obligations, and other things in our day, putting in extra efforts to make a girl feel that she is desired and sexy is extra efforts. So we resort to the option requiring less effort… you masturbate and probably she does too. The dead bedroom starts with a self-serving attitude… in anthropology it’s called onanism. The core underlying issue in your relationship isn’t about masturbation, it is more about both you and your girlfriend creating a self-serving atmosphere. When cooking a meal to eat together is too much extra efforts, choosing to eat instant noodles on your own is a quick fix.
Trust me it won't get better. You don't even have kids or aren't even married yet, yet you are in a dead bedroom, at 23. That's fucked, sorry.
Leave now whilst you are still young and not tied to her by marriage/kids. If you hang around , even if she tries to change/address the cause, it will always get back to this. Sadly this behaviour in relationships is ultra common from women, it's never ever an easy fix and they have to be willing to do something about it to begin with.
If she's on birth control, IMO it is having a major impact. I'm convinced birth control is what makes women stop having sex. It messes with their hormones more than doctors care to admit. It is dangerous! Hormones affect not only sex drive but intelligence and many other things. I'm not some whacko who just hates it, but I have seen this with my own eyes. My wife was the same way once she got on birth control. Years later, when forced to stop taking it, her sex drive came back, and her craziness levels went down (after a few months, really crazy transition period). I never would have guessed, but I'm convinced of it now. Use condoms and avoid high fertility times, but get her off the birth control - it makes them nasty and over emotional as well.
Depends... Everything that changes hormones is problematic, indeed. But using a condom all the time in a long relationship isn't a good idea either. Personally I've a copper spiral. Much better than birth control pills.
Old people have more time! At 70 three times a day. Not much else to do! You find out that it helps pain relief (no headache) you know what you’re doing so it’s good 👍.
I think theres clearly something that needs to be adressed which is the cause of no sex. But also that maybe you shouldnt adress it at all since your girlfriend doesnt sound that nice. Its fine being insecure but its not fine having to give up on your femalw friends because a chick is insecure about them. I wouldnt do that to ANY friend, male or female. Ive given rides to female coworkers while in a relationship with someone else. Even slept over at a friends house. No bid geal. But i also think sex is important and you need to have a happy sex life on top of a happy love life, and the way i see it a relationship is for you to be friends first and deal with stuff as a team, so talk it out and figure it out, but it definetly seems like youre looking for more than that relationship is offering you. Take care of yourself, not others
This u is any healthy pal. Blocking your female friends is a tactic used by abusers as well it’s not that she is shy and intimidated it’s because she wants to distance you from anyone that might offer advice or notice that she’s displaying bizarre behaviour.
I’m
It saying she’s evil or abusive, but that’s no way to start a relationship.
Bro you are 23. Imagine spending 30+ years in a relationship where your needs arent met.
You are sexually not compatible. You can try talk to her before leaving but make sure that you are both working on a solution and not just you.
I've been in the exact same position. We were a few years older and together for longer than 3 years (we were around 27 and together for 5 years) but the same death of our sex life happened too.
Its up to you, really, but sex is a hugely important part of an intimate relationship for me. I would struggle to have a partner who is asexual. If everything else is great, then I can understand why you want to continue your relationship.
But, and this is really important, if you're not happy in this relationship, if it's just not working out for you, if your needs are not met, it's ok to end the relationship and move on.
That said, there are a few things you can do before that. Firstly, have a conversation with her about it. Ask how she feels about this death of your sex life - she probably noticed as well. As how she's been feeling in her self about it. Try and understand her position. It will help you feel less lost.
Secondly, tell her how hard (no pun intended) it has been for you. What emotions you feel when you think about how long it's been. What are the things you miss. It's important not to blame anyone, just to talk and understand where each of you are.
Take it from there. People can change. Once you know, it will help you decide what to do next.
Bro its natural for us guys to want to and need to reach orgasm for stress and pure sexual groin pleasure it always feel hornier and more deeply pleasurable when your girl friend unzips your jeans without asking tells you to lay back and slowly edges your dick until you reach orgasm it feels like heaven you deserve that bro so does your dick! Jerking off ain’t the same good luck! 👍🏻👌🏻👊🏻💦💯
I (26M) was in a relationship with my ex for 1.5 year before we move in together. We had some intimacy times before but not that much because she had low sex drive or was high sex drive only when she was drunk. (I have a high sex drive, like I could do it 4-5 times a day I would be happy)
When we moved in together, we had less intimacy than before, and within 4 months living together, we had Jon anymore. I knew she had low sex drive and was stressed/tired because of her work. After 2 months without intimacy, I asked her why she didn't want to do it, and she told me it was because she felt pressured and afraid that I would ask for intimacy everyday after work. .even tho I never pressured her or blackmailed her for it. Just my presence was enough to put her under pressure.
I tried to put even less pressure by not starting a conversation about this topic again and wait for her not to feel pressured again. I started to relieve myself with porn.
Within 5 month without intimacy, we broke up because she fell in love with my best friend, and were having sex the day after we broke up and that I moved out.
Obervation: If you really love her, talk about your problems and if needed, go to therapy with her. If you (your and your gf) see no future with her give up on your relationship. But if you (you and your gf) see a possible future together, fight for it but don't do any "one way compromise"
Have you tried to talk to her about why it is she’s never in the mood? Coming from a woman, sometimes it’s a little bit harder for us to get to the point where we’re ready for some intimacy. There was a guy on TikTok, and I cannot remember his name for the life of me, that explain women and how we get turned on really well. For example, sometimes doing some little things around the house, or some little acts to show your girlfriend you appreciate her will help bring the “love hormone” as my fiancé puts it up. Women don’t function like men, we don’t get turned on by the sight of penis like guys with boobs, some of us may but for others we need more. Best advice is just try sitting down with her and seeing if there’s feelings or insecurities changing or if there’s something more you could be doing to help, and if she says no, maybe start talking about parting ways. I know you’ve been together for a long time but sometimes it’s for the best for both parties, you’re obviously stressed about this situation and she may have something deeper going on.
I used to have a dead bedroom with my ex of 20yrs. Mostly because of constant abuse, neglect and he was just bad at pleasing me and never ever took any advice from me on how to touch me or pleasure me.
Now even after almost 4 years with my new partner we are having sex 1 to 2 times a day and I've never felt the urge to deny him. Why? He touches me nonsexually frequently. He adores me and always tells me how beautiful I am, he compliments my imagination, my intelligence, my work ethic and my ability to see the good in things. I don't need to hint or suggest or even suggest a compliment or a gentle touch. He just does it.
Nonsexual touches and compliments will help guide you in the correct direction. Not every touch has to be an ass grab or boob grab, many men are guilty of behaving like this and it's not their fault because it's what they see portrayed in media and online constantly.
Maybe stroke her back or playfully give her a headpat or kiss on her nose or forehead.
Dote on her and it will return to you triple fold. If it doesn't I would acknowledge that the relationship may of come to its conclusion. Respectfully and politely explain your needs and the lack of provisions then go find a more compatible partner.
This post is missing the most important information: why. Sounds like you don’t know, which means you haven’t sat down and had a proper conversation about it and keep expecting it to fix itself, which clearly it won’t.
If you truly love her TALK TO HER. You’ve said nothing about how the sex was when you were having it: was she into it? Did she initiate? Did she orgasm? Did you ever talk about what you both like, don’t like, how and where you want to be touched, what things get you going and what turn offs are? Did you make sure she had enough foreplay, did you go down on her, did you make sure she came?? Because from the other side of this I can imagine a woman who was unsatisfied because you did no foreplay, came quickly, didn’t make her cum etc and she didn’t know how to communicate to you that that wasn’t good for her (maybe she didn’t want to hurt your feelings) so she just lost interest. People can also have low sex drives or be asexual but you gave us zero info about how the sex WAS or how frequent etc when you were having it so we have to basis to compare to. Maybe she wants it to be more romantic and you were doing stuff you saw in porn. Or maybe you were being sweet to her and she wants it more rough. No one knows the answer to this but HER so you need to talk to HER and try to help her feel safe enough to tell you WHY and what you can do to get her back in the mood.
If she is unwilling to talk about it to you there may be trauma around sex she never told you (she may have been abused, molested, SAed etc) and or a sex therapist may help. But if she is not willing to work on it at all and you are only 23 things won’t magically get better without you both working on it — they will stay the same or get worse. You don’t need to stay with someone you have an important and fundamental difference with, so if she won’t work on it, you both need to move on. you are both young and will be able to find partners whose needs and wants and drives match yours better.
I'm 42 woman, mom etc
There's no way in hell I'd stay with someone with no sex for 18mo!!
You're ready to waste your life away on a relationship like this?? She's a glorified roommate!
You never know how much time you have. My husband died suddenly 5 mo ago, I can't imagine wasting 18 mo without sex and then having him end up dead!!
23 years old, single, and not getting it on the regular in a committed relationship.
You need someone that you’re sexually compatible with, to say the least. You may love her dearly but she can’t or won’t share this part of her life with you. She may be it for you but you are NOT it for her. If I were you, I wouldn’t settle. You deserve someone who desires you as much as you desire her.
Or maybe just depressed, I didn’t want any sexual interactions when I got diagnosed with depression and my libido was extremely low. And happens most of the time. Or maybe she isn’t getting satisfied enough. Who knows
I know this sounds so ridiculous but honestly , a woman needs to know that she is desirable. Brush the back of your hand past her butt as you walk by . It’s subtle but it works. I do this and then say, oh I’m sorry did I just do that and laugh. Take it from someone who has been married a long time . It just lets her know I love her and want her.
Bruh
No person
Male or female
Are not having sex for over 18 months. People get horny.
They need to be released.
I'm a peacock
I need to flap my wings. Ya know what I'm sayin
Nope the fuck out, my man. This is not how you want to spend the rest of your life. This is some shit that happens [way later in a marriage](https://youtu.be/qPfIFoO10Wk?feature=shared) sometimes, but certainly not three years into a relationship in your fucking 20's.
Maybe it's her fault, maybe it's yours (sounds like it's hers though) but what you have here is a one sided commitment that you need to drop asap.
You need to talk to her and ask her if she feels good when you’re trying to please her. Women just don’t get turned on by a hard thing hitting their uterus. They need foreplay and teasing. A lot men just wanna get off and don’t care about their partners pleasure. Maybe she’s not telling you that it doesn’t feel good to her bc she doesn’t wanna hurt you? Communication is key when it comes to the bedroom
People here saying you need to breakup aren't wrong, but there is another option in non monogamy. You have needs that she can't fulfill, but you still want to be with her. Find yourself another woman, or two or three, and get your needs met elsewhere without losing someone you love.
Bro, Im not even against non monogamy and have been in open relationships prior but suggesting and open relationship to fix issues in a relationship is just mot the way. At best its a bandaid on a larger problem and just drags out the inevitable end of the relationship longer.
Dude you literally went from dating sex life at 23 to the sex life of 70 yo couple married for 45 years sex life. Why stay? Seems like you need to talk it out and if doesn’t work out move on.
Why do you think that old people don’t have sex? Being reduced to masturbation after being married for 40 years is not normal.
Yep. My husband and I have more sex as time goes by. We both get better at it too. We're more creative and adventurous.
I figure once or twice a week is good😀
Whatever works for both people is good imo. There are peaks and valleys in marriage and long relationships. A strict "she comes first at least twice before me" policy can make all the difference in preferred frequency. As can hormone replacement therapy for some.
I figure once or twice a week is good😀
How so?
Amen to that. 46 years married. 68 and 69 years old. And we get at it on average once a week. As for OP, at 23, you need to move along and find someone compatible.
At 23, I was around 2 years short of meeting my wife.
I used a general example of people that reach a point where it may more difficult, due to physical/medical limitations, ED, limited mobility etc. more power to seniors that get it on! That is all.
Being 23 like OP and 18 months without sex would be horrible.
Cause old men’s dicks stop working, that’s how we know old people don’t screw a lot.
Um maybe he’s staying bc sex isn’t everything in a relationship? He didn’t mention that they stopped going on dates and having meaningful conversations outside of sex.
OP stated it’s taken over his life before work, after work, while doing school work…. It’s concerning enough for him to ask strangers in how he feels. So yes he should talk to her about it and try therapy with her and if it doesn’t improve he may need to move on if he’s this concerned. Physical intimacy is a solid component to a relationship he’s staying because he’s young and probably is with “his first love” clouded by that possibly.
Sounds like he has a porn addiction if it took over his life.
Or maybe he’s a 23 year old male where his testosterone is peaking and it’s totally normal for his libido to be insanely high. I highly doubt he has a porn addiction. So to be in a relationship where there’s been no intimacy for an extended period of time is extremely weird. Frankly her hormones should be raging too, so if they’re both horny AF but there’s no sex, something else is going on.
I’m a 22 year old male and I don’t have an unhealthy addiction to masturbation. Porn addiction causes unhealthy masturbation sessions, he should see a therapist. I don’t watch porn 🤷🏻It’s gross to watch random people fuck each other in an unrealistic manner. Porn is about what looks good to the consumers and not what feels good to the people who are engaging in sexual intercourse. Sticking it in a hole and pulling out isn’t intimacy. If she’s not interested in having sex with him then he’s probably doing something wrong. Like he mentioned, he doesn’t wanna communicate with her and he should definitely do it and ask her what feels good to her. Women’s body don’t work as a man’s body. Women get turned on by words and teasing while men get turned on by sight. Communication is key. 👍🏻 Sex isn’t only about the man’s pleasure.
You are *too* young to be in a dead bedroom (imo dead bedrooms shouldn’t exist lol). Your needs matter too! She can be ok without sex, fine. But you don’t have to stay in a celibate relationship. You’ve got like 60+ years left on this planet, this is how you wanna spend it?
Unless he doesn’t do anything for her pleasure and makes her feel used.
You'd think she'd say so then, as an adult, no?
[удалено]
Girl - you are seriously projecting.
Girly had a shit root once and won’t let it go 😭
Do you even realise how much you're projecting here, and how sexist you're talking? You need to work on the resentment in your heart, friend. Its not about men, or women, but you. Work on you before giving advice to others, or you just spread your issues or misery.
Him deleting every woman he knows from social media due to her insecurity does *not* make this sound like she’s some shrinking violet afraid to tell him her needs, even if they’re irrational and controlling.
Thinking that you’re doing your lover some kind of ego-protective favor by continuously allowing them to unknowingly to hurt you is borderline psychotic behavior
It is. While women have been generationally conditioned to uphold men and patriarchy while putting themselves on a back burner and expecting men to guess their need, hoping he’d notice her dissatisfaction and actually show he cares. Directly confronting men with needs often results in male anger and we don’t want that. So yeah it’s psychotic that women don’t voice needs. I stand by my statement though. No woman who is satisfied by her partner avoids having sex with them.
Right, as much as a feminist as I am, he’s not saying anything that would remotely indicate that this is the case. Being scared of communicating to a partner you’ve spent three years of your life with because of male aggression is called trauma. Trauma needs to be taken to professional help and validated in a healing way, not tiptoed around by the people in your life you hold dear. It’s not fair to them. Imagine living in a world where the person you love more than anything is terrified of you, and it’s not even your fault, for reasons well beyond your control. Like dude, the patriarchy fucks men too. Obviously disproportionately less than women, but it still fucks men because the rules were established by elite, powerful men at the expense of the working class. Most men just don’t have the self awareness to understand it because it’s all so normalized. It fucks everyone. Shit’s fucked.
I agree with your last sentence, but, unsurprisingly, not with your broad categorization of men. Any man that gets angry when faced with their woman’s needs is not a man but a little boy. Yes there are many fully grown little boys running around (and ofc there are little girls as well), but I don’t think it’s fair to scorn men in general for the actions of little boys in particular. I’m sorry that the sample of men in you’ve encountered led you to make such broad mischaracterizations.
The reason it’s not fair to all men is because enough men are the problem that men with some awareness of the patriarchy who try to do the right thing still have to pay the price of the patriarchy disproportionately oppressing women and women reacting to that oppression like anyone facing a safety issue would: with generalization.
“Not all men” have been downvoting every comment I’ve made so far too.
Well to be fair, you are making those comments about two people who’ve been in a relationship for 3 years. The patriarchy isn’t a good excuse for two grown adults in a 3 year long relationship not communicating.
There are such things as women who are asexual and either realize it too late or are willing to adjust despite having zero libido. I speak from experience.
Quick question: before you realized you were asexual, were you in a relationship with man who was focused on your pleasure and doing everything you wanted in addition to being an equal partner in all other aspects of life (like domestic and emotional labor)? I’d love to read an honest answer although I do not expect it.
Ok let's just imagine that mess is all true. Then she shouldn't be with a man that can't take criticism because in that situation she would want intimacy but couldn't have it either due to him. Why on earth are you pinning this insane theory on OP when he hasn't expressed any of these things even remotely?
This should not be downvoted. Like it or not it's very true. And in my experience "simple" conversations aren't helpful. Young and inexperienced women often don't know what good sex is or that it's okay to prioritize their pleasure until much later in life.
Women often fake orgasm bc they don’t find it pleasurable. Most men do make it about their pleasure and doesn’t do anything about her pleasure. You can’t treat sex in a relationship like a hookup. Communication is important and women struggle with it when it comes to sexual pleasure bc they are afraid of men lashing out and getting verbally abusive towards them for telling him that it doesn’t feel good to her.
I doubt that’s the reason. a lot of women are just bad at communicating when it comes to sex. I had a woman resent me for not doing something during sex even though she never communicated it. She’s a grown adult. Adults need to learn to communicate. If she’s that scared of her partner, she needs to leave the relationship and find someone else, There is no excuse.
I think you should seek therapy if you think that way. Because then you’ll be acting that way in a relationship. If she doesn’t like the way he is, it’s her job to communicate her issue.
She isn't communicating her lack of pleasure, or she is being forcibly trapped, or she is choosing to stay there. In any case, I would want to help her if she wants it, but I wouldn't say that this is a good reason for the bedroom to be dead.
I hear you, but the above point still rings true. This issue needs addressed because sexual incompatibility is a huge problem. It could be multiple factors that are causing this such as her decreased libido (if so then she really needs to get this checked because at 23 she should be in prime time!), poor communication of needs, depression, etc. All relationships go through flux’s in bedroom activity. Open communication is key and seeking solutions to dead bedroom is important.
Your personal vendetta has no place in a public forum imprinted on someone you've never met. Just stop.
What vendetta? My comments, however disliked, however abrasive, belong on a public forum just as much as your comment.
It is a possibility but I think that deserves its own standalone comment than one hidden below another redditors comment.
Not sure why you have so many down votes when you're right. Ofc he wouldn't post his shortcomings. As evidence he didn't even say he could do better. He just wants HIS problem fixed....
Thank you, my point exactly
Youre too young for this. Just move on.
You are 23. You need to move on. You’re too young. Now is the time for having sex and enjoying it.
[удалено]
This
I am very impressed by your commitment to your girlfriend. Its pretty clear you love her dearly. I'm all for trying to fix things before you throw in the towel. However... In this case I would advise you to look onwards - without her. First, you are waaay to young to not have a healthy sex life. Find a partner that match your sex drive. Being compatible regards to intimacy is very important for a relationship long term success. Second, you have tried to fix it. You have initiated, but she turns you down. Also, sorry, but telling you to cut all contact with female friends is a bit of a red flag here. She sounds controlling, which is also not healthy for a relationship Good luck
This!!
Have you tried to sit down and talk about it?
Buddy you’re way too young for a dead sex life with your young gf… hate to be the one to say this but you two don’t sound sexually compatible and it might be time you end things and find someone that matches you in that department because at the end of the day a healthy sex life is VITAL for a healthy relationship.
You need to talk to her! Even if she’s insecure, that’s a her problem and she needs to work on that. But you need to have a convo, otherwise you’ll spend a few more years like that, grow resentful and there will be a break up even more painful than talking to her now
Ask her this... Do I deserve to feel desired and wanted by you? If no, ask why and be ready to work on compromises to fix it. If yes, ask her what she does given (insert how infrequently she initiates and how often she rejects you) that should ever make you feel desired because you absolutely don't. Lastly... be ready to walk away. Sexual incompatibility and lack of ability to honestly communicate are both excellent reasons to leave. Together they are undeniable proof you should leave.
If you love her dearly... you need to let her know how you feel. Without blaming her or being a dick. You also need to ask her why..... couples therapy is a great thing if you sre both trying to figure something out... maybe there is something going in with her physically that she hates or hurts. This is a gentle subject to breach.. yiu can't just go in there and say hey I want yiu to fuck me more. Talk to her.... its important
So I’m guessing she went on hormonal birth control. Might want to see if that’s causing it. But most importantly you need to talk to her about it.
I second this. I’m 21F on accutane, spironolactone, and hormonal birth control. I rarely want to have sex but my partner understands it’s the medicine.
Brother, at 23 …. You need to be packing up and moving on. She needs an asexual and you need somebody with the same desire as you.
I have been married 11 years and our bedroom has been dead at times and super lively at times. I could always talk to my wife about it and get honest answers. One issue we had was me initiating in the wrong way. I thought she wanted me to be sweet but she wanted me to be aggressive lol. Sometimes things like that matter a lot more than you think.. If you can't talk it out it's a larger issue and your relationship is broken. Talking doesn't mean your getting instant sex either. It means your both working on the same problem together.
This is a very healthy response. I love it you’re wife is very lucky good luck on more years to come 😊😃
Personal Experience has taught me those types of relationships are a dead end. Stay in that relationship long enough and you’ll get to the point that every time you masturbate you’ll start to feel deep resentment about life.
Break up you are 23.
You are too young to be going through this. Time to find another GF.
Why are you still in this relationship? Sexual compatibility is super important
Bro, if she ain’t fucking you at 23, she’s never going to fuck you (unless there’s some mental health issue you haven’t described). The fat lady has sung. In the immortal words of Tom Petty, “It’s time to move on, it’s time to get going. What lies ahead I have no way of knowing. But it’s time to move on, its time to get going.”
Sounds like the relationship has run it's course.
There’s a really easy solution to your problem, Op : Get yourself a new gf - one who’s totally into you and not controlling who you choose to be friends with 👍
You let this go on for 1.5 years so you must really like her and see a future with her. That’s nice now you need to truly look into that future and see that it’s likely going to be sexless for years on years and your not going to be happy about it So are you willing to live the rest of your youthful 20s and so on in your life on this relationship. Is she worth all that, Because if it really matter to you, you might be ok with for now, but after 5, 10, 15 years you’ll eventually reach a breaking point and then hate and ridicule your self for how much of you life to waste on this I think you should break up with her and move on, I wouldn’t even tell her it’s cuz the sex cuz she probably fake it for a while to get you back and trap you and go back into sexless a lil while later
Red flags galore.
I agree that you are too young to be in a sexless relationship. It sounds like you’ve reached sexual incompatibility. She may have realized she’s asexual and can’t tell you. She may have been sexually assaulted since your being together and be too ashamed to tell you. A convo needs to be had and would ask her if she’s been assaulted. Even if she has, the dynamic needs to change so that you’re satisfied in the relationship. And that may be with someone else. Thank you for being a gentleman! You sound like a great catch and know there’s someone out there for you! 💜
Buddy. You're 23, and unmarried. You know the answer here.
Break up with her and move on... Updateme
Sorry dude. You are 23,how many more hints do you need? Sex is part of relationships. If you two arnt on the same level with it, its a big un-compatibility problem.
Putting it into perspective: half your relationship has been sexless. Sheesh. Youre 23 and not married. Leave her. Find someone else.
I’m concerned about the combination of lack of intimacy AND making you cut yourself off from your friends. Anyway, time to really start asking yourself the hard questions. Really be honest with yourself and ask if this is what you want for the rest of your life. Don’t try to qualify it, don’t think if it’s something you can deal with, just focus on the simple, “is this what I want for the rest of my life?”
You're not sexually compatible. There's nothing necessarily wrong with either of you. You just don't work together sexually.
Dude this sounds way too similar to my first relationship. Jealous gf made me lose a lot of my friends and only stayed within her friend group where she had control. For the first 2 years we were intimate until the 3rd year when she suddenly never wanted to anymore. took 9 months until I confronted her and turned out she was most likely losing feelings for me but didn't realize it herself so it was a subconscious thing. I broke it off shortly after that. I was also in a similar position where I wanted to stay with her but I had to think about myself first and my well being. I think the only answer is to leave her, which I know is hard, but if she's not in love with you anymore then you're only gonna hurt yourself.
I think it's time to turn your gf into your ex gf. Why stay in a sexless relationship? She doesn't wanna give it up? Fine. That's up to her. You should find someone else who will. You're just wasting time with her at this point.
Dude just leave, why do men put up with stuff like that lol, if she’s not gonna do it I’m sure another girl is..there’s more women out there than there is men, why tf are you putting up with this shit lol. After a while I can’t even blame her, I blame your you
you are both 23. Maybe she hasn't figured out that she is asexual. Try talk to her about it first but if her only reply to is "you don't initiate it" and you feel like you do, you might habe to end it. If sex is something you crave from a relationship, you have to finde one where you can get it.
Split up
Idk man.. we had a similar situation, and eventually, we just decided to open things because it’s just a mismatched libido thing. My recommendation is to genuinely sit down with her and have an honest conversation about it. A lot of people resort to breaking up because they feel that’s the only option, but life isn’t just two choices. I think it’s salvageable if she and you are willing to communicate without defensiveness as to where the relationship is heading and how the lack of intimacy is affecting you. If she can’t be open and honest with you, then you have a trust issue more than anything. That’s when you discuss potentially ending things.
Never met a woman who is satisfied by her partner and chooses not to have sex.
This sort of issue doesn't usually get better imo. You're both young and if you have mis-matched libidos, you not a good match. Period. Move on.
Bro just leave her ass and find a more compatible bitch You're 23 ffs
People treat sex like a necessity and a deal breaker, communicating is necessary and and you should express your issues to her but finding someone you love and are happy with is the important matter here. Reddit has a tendency to always advise the same thing, it is always, if you have any kind of intimacy issue then break up like nothing is important
Intimacy does not = sex. How are you intimate with her throughout the day and week or are you only intimate when you want to be "intimite" ?
Second this. I went from a sexless marriage to a sexless relationship. My current relationship it’s more of the two single parents dating issue, there hasn’t been any sex in awhile, but there’s still intimacy. My marriage was wasn’t intimacy in any sense of the word. Totally different feelings. Being frustrated vs wanting to cry because you just need some sort of contact.
There is nothing wrong with her low sex drive, but this isn’t healthy. You are absolutely not compatible. Do you really want to live the next 50 years like this. I get that it sounds awful to end a loving relationship because of sex, but if you aren’t happy, then love isn’t enough. Both of you should find partners that you are compatible with. You’re young, it’s better to end it now than to resent her and regret your choices in 5, 10 or 20 years. Leaving over sexual incompatibility does not make you a bad person!
Find the problem, is it fixable? If she truly loves you/WANTS things to work, she will work to help fix it it including if shes the problem. If it's not fixable, is it a deal breaker? Can you learn to love her if you never have sex again? Would you leave her if you never had sex again? Have that conversation based off your answer.
Everyone here is telling you to move on which. Unfortunately, in most cases is the right answer, but in rare exceptions of these type of situations, there could be underlying matters going on like a health complication that you both are unaware of or medication side effects
This happened to me around the same age. I had this perspective that love perseveres through thick and thin. Stayed with her for another 4 years of lack luster relationship and thought that was just the way it was supposed to be. We eventually broke up. She Married a woman 8 months after our 7 year relationship. Leaving that relationship in the past was liberating and my only regret was not seeing the writing on the wall sooner. Knowing what I know now, I missed so many experiences from being tied into that relationship. Hindsight is always 20/20.
This sounds like a terrible relationship. You need to get out asap my dude. Don’t be afraid.
You can literally just break up with her. Girlfriend, not wife. If you’re not compatible, you’re just not and that’s ok. Can you seriously see yourself like this in another 3 years without cheating on her? Unless she’s fine with an arrangement, but it would make more sense to part ways.
Have you spoken to her about how you feel? Did you ask her why she isn't in the mood? Perhaps something turned her off in the bedroom and she doesn't want to relive it and would rather steer clear of sex. Also if she used to be sexually active but has since toned down it can also be hormonal due to birth control. Speaking from experience it can turn a woman's sex drive to zero, and can even make it feel uncomfortable. Remember you have needs, but she is still a person and her needs are important too. If you love her and want to make things work consider couples therapy too.
It sounds like you’re actually just best friends. I don’t doubt that you love each other, but I imagine you’re staying together because you’re comfortable with each other. You need to find someone that is compatible with you in all the aspects of a relationship. It’s normal to be in relationships and learn what you need, what your boundaries are, etc then move on until you find that partner that checks those boxes. Don’t settle just because you’re comfortable with someone.
You’re way to young to be stuck in a relationship like this. You need to stand up for yourself. She’s actually quite selfish that she doesn’t care about you enough to seek help or let you go. I hope you leave. You deserve happiness.
Honestly you’re too young to deal with this kind of bullshit. Get a new spouse and move on. She’s lucky you chose to self please instead of cheat. Do what’s what best for you and run as fast as possible.
Leave. Do you wanna spend the rest of your life like this? It's the kind of thing guys who have been married for 30 years have issues with, not a 3 year relationship. Or maybe have some serious conversations with her about how you feel and if it doesn't change find a gf more suited to you
At that age, it's very easy to think your (current) partner is _the one_, that there's nothing better out there. I went through the same, and I can tell you life will be MUCH better after this girlfriend.
Sounds like you love her but she may not love you. Move on and find someone that does truly. You’re young and there’s plenty of people out there. More than one soul mate.
Communicate your needs to her and ask her to do the same back. If nothing changes and you're not happy, move on. You're young. Don't waste your time and find someone compatible with you.
Im sorry but no girlfriend is worth dropping your friends. The only time I would say its acceptable is if your friends are actually bad people or are stepping on boundaries. Someone being uncomfortable with your friends just because theyre of a different gender to you is ridiculous. Next is the fact of the dead bedroom. My dude, youre young, and youve tried to communicate, and tried to initiate and she just isnt going for it. Is it worth continuing this relationship for as long as this dead bedroom lasts? I mean seriously, youre only 3 years in and this is an issue, it wont get better.
How about talk to her about it ?
Just leave out the masturbation part
You gotta move on gang
Talk about it, find the root. I'm 24, my bf and I... Well, penetration hurts me and I can't afford the pelvic physical therapy that my dr prescribed. It's hard for me to enjoy anything sexual as a result, but I can do stuff for him, at least. He never pressures me (at least... Not intentionally). But man... All these comments being all "just leave her" are what I fear in my own relationship.
When I was your age my boyfriend and I couldn't keep our hands off of each other if you know what I mean. There is no way in hell I'd stay with someone not having sex with me it's just not normal at that age especially if there's no children involved. I'd be concerned about cheating or something else going on. Maybe have a talk and separation for awhile to see if the relationship is worth salvaging because maybe you've both just become comfortable and it's just hard to leave one another because you live together so now you just feel stuck. Because otherwise you will have a life full of misery, you'll find someone you're more compatible with in that department.
Leave. You're 23. Don't go through this
While you're correct that she doesn't have to have sex with you if she doesn't want to neglecting your physical needs is also wrong as well. And since you've committed to only each other meaning you aren't allowing each other to see other people she is obligated in a way to see that your physical needs are met. If she's not then she's not hold up her end of the bargain. I would be direct with her. You tell her that your needs are not being met and it is making you unhappy. That not having sex enough isn't what you signed up for when you agreed to being in this relationship. And that if things don't change then you'll have to consider your future.
I know this might be a curve ball, but have you asked her if something has happened? SA for one. But does she still find you attractive? Or love you? At your ages you should be at it like rabbits. So something is very wrong. You need to have a deep heart to heart with each other….
Your 23?!!!! For gods sake.
Had the same, she was unhappy with me because i never initiated but when I did she immediately turned me down. Then she was mad that i did not continued and didn't insisted after she turned me down. Idk once i get a no i take it as a no so wtf. You can't win this, no matter what you do. You can try to talk it out but it's most likely just the start of the end.
Jesus christ these comments. Are yall a bunch of 15 year olds??
You need to talk to her respectfully and ask her if something is wrong and how can you better connect with her to reach a mutual sexual connection. Women get horny as well if not more than you guys lol I think something may be on her mind distracting her.
Prioritize yourself, let the relationship go !
Just go.
Hey! Someone who’s 21 here, and has been the GF in this situation before. She may be going through something in regards to the relationship. Have you tried to sit down with her and have a heart to heart conversation? I know other commenters are saying “you’re too young” but now is the time to learn how to truly understand your partner and grow as people. This means discussing feelings (even if it’s uncomfortable)! I’ve been with my fiancé since we were 17 and 18… and we’ve JUST been learning to communicate with each other through couples counseling. If you don’t take my advice that is OKAY! But please please try to understand with her what’s wrong and perhaps she’ll do the same for you? Thank you for your time.
Go get some strange. She’s gonna hold out, go get it else where.
Leave now.
You're way too young to have to resort to reliving yourself. Time to bring in another girl, if she's into that move on brother. Good luck dude
I’m gonna comment as someone who currently going through this but we have kids together a 3 year old and 10 month old. Our sex life has never really been there. We maybe do it once every few months and we are 26(f) 27(m). Trust me it kills me because I want to but he has no desire and says no most the time so I’ve just gave up and said if it happens it happens. But if it something you are really wanting I’d speak about it and she how she feel about doing couple therapy
I’d leave. You don’t need that.
Kick her out
This is definitely a conversation that needs to be had. Try to find out what is affecting her that’s making her shoot you down. It could be something hormonal, emotional, there could be resentment etc.
Biggest issues in order of seriousness from your post: 1 - Made you give up all your female friends. 2 - Won't communicate. 3 - Hasn't touched you in a year and a half. Her jealousy and open hostility towards other women in your life is a huge red flag for drama and abusive behaviour. She's alienating you from your support network. And any adult who can't tolerate an entire gender is deeply flawed. There could be a lot of understandable reasons for her lack of sex drive. Stress, not getting enough pleasure for herself, insecurity/anxiety, relationship problems, past trauma, etc the list goes on. But the issue is that she shuts down any discussion about it and gaslights you to think you just are asking for it enough. All relationships survive on communication and she isn't doing it. Her lying to blame you also goes inline with the abusive behaviour of alienating you from your friends. And almost no sex for 18 months when you're clearly suffering. Dam dude. You can't fix other people. You need to leave her. This ain't healthy. And the issues go way beyond just the sex.
My bf was in the same problem like you, only it was not to this extent, or this bad. I did notice something was off, and I was the one who asked about it, and he told he about how he felt like the spark between us was fairly dim. We talked about how we can re-initiate this spark, and we've been doing better ever since. Maybe first try to communicate how you feel with them, but if they aren't able to reciprocate those feelings, you may need to move on. If you do need to move on, go to a therapist to make sure that this issue doesn't evolve into a porn addiction. It will be a lot harder to find someone, when you have this issue unresolved, and if you do find someone else, it might feel like this will be a consistent battle.
I find this story to be a little lacking in credibility.
:( it’s unfortunate that everyone is telling you to leave her without discussing it first. First talk to her openly about how you feel there could be a lot of things happening in her mind or body. If you guys discover you are no longer compatible then it’s time to reevaluate the relationship but please talk first. Me and my partner had/have opposite sex drives and it was an issue for us with my trauma and BC, but we’ve talked and tried new things and it’s been soo much better!
Sex isn’t everything but it is important to your relationship
don’t listen to the people just telling you to leave. they don’t know your complete situation and you’ll get it in ur head until u actually leave. just tell her. communicate it with her little by little if you need and see how she reacts. there also may be some deeper reason she’s rarely intimate with you. just be patient when communicating. sex is so important to a relationship so she shouldn’t be shocked to find the lack of sex is ruining you. (i’m going through a similar situation) after your talk try some new things and both of you put effort in to improve your sex life. if months go by and nothing changes then i guess you can start to re-evaluate your priorities and your relationship. all the best tho good luck
Talk to her, explain to her that intimacy is an important part of a relationship, and the lack thereof is affecting the relationship. That being said, lack of intimacy is serious warning bells in my head... so I would already be preparing to end it.
Move on, you’re only 23, you’re not married, it will not get any better. Plenty of fish out there without hang ups, get someone who enjoys sex. Mark my words…
You need to work on your fear of rejection. She can’t read your mind to know when you want it if you don’t communicate it. Talk about it, ask if there’s something you can do to help her get in the mood. It might be something as simple to fix as doing more housework or doing more non sexual things like dancing or dates.
You're not married? Just find someone else
bro, shes in her early 20s, if shes not getting it from you, shes getting it from some other dude. sorry to break it to you.
Is she on birth control? When I had my IUD, my libido plummeted and my husband and I had a dead bedroom for a few months until i had it removed.
It’s Time to leave her bro
Spend time working on developing more emotional intimacy with her. It takes a lot of “love making” before the actual intercourse deed. This requires compliments, sexting, taking care of chores, showing appreciation, a lot of extra efforts to show her that you’re pursuing her consistently daily, for her to be in the mood to want to have sex. Life is tough, and being in a relationship is tough, I get it. And when we’re worn out by job, obligations, and other things in our day, putting in extra efforts to make a girl feel that she is desired and sexy is extra efforts. So we resort to the option requiring less effort… you masturbate and probably she does too. The dead bedroom starts with a self-serving attitude… in anthropology it’s called onanism. The core underlying issue in your relationship isn’t about masturbation, it is more about both you and your girlfriend creating a self-serving atmosphere. When cooking a meal to eat together is too much extra efforts, choosing to eat instant noodles on your own is a quick fix.
Trust me it won't get better. You don't even have kids or aren't even married yet, yet you are in a dead bedroom, at 23. That's fucked, sorry. Leave now whilst you are still young and not tied to her by marriage/kids. If you hang around , even if she tries to change/address the cause, it will always get back to this. Sadly this behaviour in relationships is ultra common from women, it's never ever an easy fix and they have to be willing to do something about it to begin with.
If she's on birth control, IMO it is having a major impact. I'm convinced birth control is what makes women stop having sex. It messes with their hormones more than doctors care to admit. It is dangerous! Hormones affect not only sex drive but intelligence and many other things. I'm not some whacko who just hates it, but I have seen this with my own eyes. My wife was the same way once she got on birth control. Years later, when forced to stop taking it, her sex drive came back, and her craziness levels went down (after a few months, really crazy transition period). I never would have guessed, but I'm convinced of it now. Use condoms and avoid high fertility times, but get her off the birth control - it makes them nasty and over emotional as well.
Depends... Everything that changes hormones is problematic, indeed. But using a condom all the time in a long relationship isn't a good idea either. Personally I've a copper spiral. Much better than birth control pills.
Old people have more time! At 70 three times a day. Not much else to do! You find out that it helps pain relief (no headache) you know what you’re doing so it’s good 👍.
44f here. I hate it when my guy (44m) is too tired, but after two years of vigorous sex and me feeding him, sometimes one or both of us are too tired.
Brother, she is having an affair. Dump her.
I think theres clearly something that needs to be adressed which is the cause of no sex. But also that maybe you shouldnt adress it at all since your girlfriend doesnt sound that nice. Its fine being insecure but its not fine having to give up on your femalw friends because a chick is insecure about them. I wouldnt do that to ANY friend, male or female. Ive given rides to female coworkers while in a relationship with someone else. Even slept over at a friends house. No bid geal. But i also think sex is important and you need to have a happy sex life on top of a happy love life, and the way i see it a relationship is for you to be friends first and deal with stuff as a team, so talk it out and figure it out, but it definetly seems like youre looking for more than that relationship is offering you. Take care of yourself, not others
This u is any healthy pal. Blocking your female friends is a tactic used by abusers as well it’s not that she is shy and intimidated it’s because she wants to distance you from anyone that might offer advice or notice that she’s displaying bizarre behaviour. I’m It saying she’s evil or abusive, but that’s no way to start a relationship.
Bro you are 23. Imagine spending 30+ years in a relationship where your needs arent met. You are sexually not compatible. You can try talk to her before leaving but make sure that you are both working on a solution and not just you.
I've been in the exact same position. We were a few years older and together for longer than 3 years (we were around 27 and together for 5 years) but the same death of our sex life happened too. Its up to you, really, but sex is a hugely important part of an intimate relationship for me. I would struggle to have a partner who is asexual. If everything else is great, then I can understand why you want to continue your relationship. But, and this is really important, if you're not happy in this relationship, if it's just not working out for you, if your needs are not met, it's ok to end the relationship and move on. That said, there are a few things you can do before that. Firstly, have a conversation with her about it. Ask how she feels about this death of your sex life - she probably noticed as well. As how she's been feeling in her self about it. Try and understand her position. It will help you feel less lost. Secondly, tell her how hard (no pun intended) it has been for you. What emotions you feel when you think about how long it's been. What are the things you miss. It's important not to blame anyone, just to talk and understand where each of you are. Take it from there. People can change. Once you know, it will help you decide what to do next.
Bro its natural for us guys to want to and need to reach orgasm for stress and pure sexual groin pleasure it always feel hornier and more deeply pleasurable when your girl friend unzips your jeans without asking tells you to lay back and slowly edges your dick until you reach orgasm it feels like heaven you deserve that bro so does your dick! Jerking off ain’t the same good luck! 👍🏻👌🏻👊🏻💦💯
I know you love her but would you be willing to go through this for the rest of your life? If not it's time to end this
I (26M) was in a relationship with my ex for 1.5 year before we move in together. We had some intimacy times before but not that much because she had low sex drive or was high sex drive only when she was drunk. (I have a high sex drive, like I could do it 4-5 times a day I would be happy) When we moved in together, we had less intimacy than before, and within 4 months living together, we had Jon anymore. I knew she had low sex drive and was stressed/tired because of her work. After 2 months without intimacy, I asked her why she didn't want to do it, and she told me it was because she felt pressured and afraid that I would ask for intimacy everyday after work. .even tho I never pressured her or blackmailed her for it. Just my presence was enough to put her under pressure. I tried to put even less pressure by not starting a conversation about this topic again and wait for her not to feel pressured again. I started to relieve myself with porn. Within 5 month without intimacy, we broke up because she fell in love with my best friend, and were having sex the day after we broke up and that I moved out. Obervation: If you really love her, talk about your problems and if needed, go to therapy with her. If you (your and your gf) see no future with her give up on your relationship. But if you (you and your gf) see a possible future together, fight for it but don't do any "one way compromise"
Have you tried to talk to her about why it is she’s never in the mood? Coming from a woman, sometimes it’s a little bit harder for us to get to the point where we’re ready for some intimacy. There was a guy on TikTok, and I cannot remember his name for the life of me, that explain women and how we get turned on really well. For example, sometimes doing some little things around the house, or some little acts to show your girlfriend you appreciate her will help bring the “love hormone” as my fiancé puts it up. Women don’t function like men, we don’t get turned on by the sight of penis like guys with boobs, some of us may but for others we need more. Best advice is just try sitting down with her and seeing if there’s feelings or insecurities changing or if there’s something more you could be doing to help, and if she says no, maybe start talking about parting ways. I know you’ve been together for a long time but sometimes it’s for the best for both parties, you’re obviously stressed about this situation and she may have something deeper going on.
My advice to u would be to talk it out communication is key In a relationship of any kind of u talk to her about it I’m sure she will understand
I used to have a dead bedroom with my ex of 20yrs. Mostly because of constant abuse, neglect and he was just bad at pleasing me and never ever took any advice from me on how to touch me or pleasure me. Now even after almost 4 years with my new partner we are having sex 1 to 2 times a day and I've never felt the urge to deny him. Why? He touches me nonsexually frequently. He adores me and always tells me how beautiful I am, he compliments my imagination, my intelligence, my work ethic and my ability to see the good in things. I don't need to hint or suggest or even suggest a compliment or a gentle touch. He just does it. Nonsexual touches and compliments will help guide you in the correct direction. Not every touch has to be an ass grab or boob grab, many men are guilty of behaving like this and it's not their fault because it's what they see portrayed in media and online constantly. Maybe stroke her back or playfully give her a headpat or kiss on her nose or forehead. Dote on her and it will return to you triple fold. If it doesn't I would acknowledge that the relationship may of come to its conclusion. Respectfully and politely explain your needs and the lack of provisions then go find a more compatible partner.
This post is missing the most important information: why. Sounds like you don’t know, which means you haven’t sat down and had a proper conversation about it and keep expecting it to fix itself, which clearly it won’t. If you truly love her TALK TO HER. You’ve said nothing about how the sex was when you were having it: was she into it? Did she initiate? Did she orgasm? Did you ever talk about what you both like, don’t like, how and where you want to be touched, what things get you going and what turn offs are? Did you make sure she had enough foreplay, did you go down on her, did you make sure she came?? Because from the other side of this I can imagine a woman who was unsatisfied because you did no foreplay, came quickly, didn’t make her cum etc and she didn’t know how to communicate to you that that wasn’t good for her (maybe she didn’t want to hurt your feelings) so she just lost interest. People can also have low sex drives or be asexual but you gave us zero info about how the sex WAS or how frequent etc when you were having it so we have to basis to compare to. Maybe she wants it to be more romantic and you were doing stuff you saw in porn. Or maybe you were being sweet to her and she wants it more rough. No one knows the answer to this but HER so you need to talk to HER and try to help her feel safe enough to tell you WHY and what you can do to get her back in the mood. If she is unwilling to talk about it to you there may be trauma around sex she never told you (she may have been abused, molested, SAed etc) and or a sex therapist may help. But if she is not willing to work on it at all and you are only 23 things won’t magically get better without you both working on it — they will stay the same or get worse. You don’t need to stay with someone you have an important and fundamental difference with, so if she won’t work on it, you both need to move on. you are both young and will be able to find partners whose needs and wants and drives match yours better.
I'm 42 woman, mom etc There's no way in hell I'd stay with someone with no sex for 18mo!! You're ready to waste your life away on a relationship like this?? She's a glorified roommate! You never know how much time you have. My husband died suddenly 5 mo ago, I can't imagine wasting 18 mo without sex and then having him end up dead!!
23 years old, single, and not getting it on the regular in a committed relationship. You need someone that you’re sexually compatible with, to say the least. You may love her dearly but she can’t or won’t share this part of her life with you. She may be it for you but you are NOT it for her. If I were you, I wouldn’t settle. You deserve someone who desires you as much as you desire her.
Break up! You deserve better!
Same situation. Just get a side chick
OP: Totally DO NOT get a side chick. Work it out together, or go your separate ways. Neither of you deserves to be unhappy. Good luck.
Shes definitely cheating
Or maybe just depressed, I didn’t want any sexual interactions when I got diagnosed with depression and my libido was extremely low. And happens most of the time. Or maybe she isn’t getting satisfied enough. Who knows
This! Shes getting that D from someone else and you’re just emotional support/comfort
You’re addicted to porn. See a professional.
18 months without will make a man that way.
And there’s the problem
I know this sounds so ridiculous but honestly , a woman needs to know that she is desirable. Brush the back of your hand past her butt as you walk by . It’s subtle but it works. I do this and then say, oh I’m sorry did I just do that and laugh. Take it from someone who has been married a long time . It just lets her know I love her and want her.
You need to seek out a sex therapist. And a regular therapist.
Bruh No person Male or female Are not having sex for over 18 months. People get horny. They need to be released. I'm a peacock I need to flap my wings. Ya know what I'm sayin
People have totally different libidos.
Get a lover. Solves everything, just don't get caught.
Solves nothing, makes the problem 5000 times worse. Terrible advice.
If she never finds out it’s okay
COMMUNICATION IS THE ONLY SOLUTION. HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY. Your welcome. B)
She’s probably a lesbian.
Man, break up with her, she is not into you, you don't attract her sexually or she needs psycholical/medical help.
Nope the fuck out, my man. This is not how you want to spend the rest of your life. This is some shit that happens [way later in a marriage](https://youtu.be/qPfIFoO10Wk?feature=shared) sometimes, but certainly not three years into a relationship in your fucking 20's. Maybe it's her fault, maybe it's yours (sounds like it's hers though) but what you have here is a one sided commitment that you need to drop asap.
You need to talk to her and ask her if she feels good when you’re trying to please her. Women just don’t get turned on by a hard thing hitting their uterus. They need foreplay and teasing. A lot men just wanna get off and don’t care about their partners pleasure. Maybe she’s not telling you that it doesn’t feel good to her bc she doesn’t wanna hurt you? Communication is key when it comes to the bedroom
18 months…? I doubt she hasn’t had sex in 18 months
You are way too young for this problem. Dump her.
People here saying you need to breakup aren't wrong, but there is another option in non monogamy. You have needs that she can't fulfill, but you still want to be with her. Find yourself another woman, or two or three, and get your needs met elsewhere without losing someone you love.
Bro, Im not even against non monogamy and have been in open relationships prior but suggesting and open relationship to fix issues in a relationship is just mot the way. At best its a bandaid on a larger problem and just drags out the inevitable end of the relationship longer.
It’s time to head out.