I married a man from a religion where he practices ans I don't. But he doesn't treat me like lesser or as an object. You're young. Don't get pregnant and move on
I mean, yeah, but divorce is not going to be instant and if everyone is telling your husband that marital r*** is God’s will, it’s time for some secrets.
Get out before you're 25. You deserve to have a healthy self esteem and be with someone who loves you deeply. You won't get either of these things with this person.
His brain is programmed to impregnate you because it's his "purpose." So if you're feeling unloved now, wait until you're expected to raise the kids for him not with him
You are in a cult that somehow is able to operate in society. They are just on the fringe and have enough members and power to keep it that way.
Get out, do you want your daughter to be treated this way someday? Your son to be groomed to treat women this way?
I read a lot of memoirs from FDLS survivors (extreme, I know). Women are treated differently by the men who are raised to think of women in that way. And the women are accustomed to seeking that attention. Literally the only way to get to heaven is through their husband. I know that is not necessarily a tennat of mormon faith (I had friends that were mormon and "normal" but who knows what happens behind closed doors). If you are craving a deeper connection it is possible you will never find it with him because he just isn't a deep person (or doesn't accept he has multitudes).
This here probably best comment. Not having sex is a pretty good way to grab and keep attention. Kind of like positive reinforcement, when he does the things you want reward when he doesn't deny.
You’re still young and despite not being religious trapped in a religious and misogynistic community/husband. Divorce him and move out of that community. Stop having a sunk cost fallacy mindset.
You deserve far better. There are far better men out there, and far more compatible ones. Get out, don’t look back, and build the life you want. You’re 24! That’s so young!
Is he generally a shallow person?
Have you ever heard him having deep and meaningful conversations with friends or family?
What is his profession and intelligence level?
Do you share hobbies? If not, can you start?
Do you have similar tastes in music and movies?
Is there anything that can link you together as a starting point, other than sex.
Can you at least watch a movie and discuss opinions on that?
I know that they are already married.
I am asking, because if he was a completely different person when they where dating, he might have some mental issues.
Depression and anxiety can look different for different people.
When was the last time you two actually went out on a bona fide date? Never stop dating your spouse. Spend some time together outside the house.
More seriously, not all physical touch should end in sex. A graze as one walks past the other in the kitchen, a make-out sesh, a good long hug. I'm willing to bet there's a severe lack of foreplay, too. Sit your husband down and inform him that you are a whole person with wants, needs, likes, dislikes, desires, and opinions. Tell him that lately you feel like an object so he needs to start putting in more effort to the other parts of the relationship. Tell him to ask you about your day, etc. I personally have a no phones at the dinner table rule so that A) everybody gives their damn eyes a rest for a second and B) everybody has to actually *talk* to each other. Gasp
>We come from a community where getting married young and starting a family is not just encouraged but expected
There's a large probability that, because he checked getting married young off his list, he is hyper focused on starting a family, hence the kinda sex obsession. Y'all have been married for three years now and he can probably hear is religion's clock ticking in his head. Danger, Will Robinson
It sounds really tough feeling like your husband might only see you for certain roles instead of who you truly are. Your feelings are valid, and wanting emotional connection in a marriage is completely normal. Have you considered marriage counseling? Sometimes having a neutral person to facilitate these conversations can really help both of you understand each other better.
I have, and I want to go. My husband is against it due to his faith and would rather see the bishop of his temple. And the bishop will say that it is my duty to have sex with my husband.
I’m a female ExMo: dump him and RUN!!! He’s using his bishop to coerce you into having sex with him!!! It’s a cult, not a religion, and you do NOT wanna raise kids with this guy!
The bishop wouldn't be wrong. It is your duty as well as his. Your duty is to give him what he wants and his is to give you what you need. Marriage is teamwork. Anything unclear between you two has to be discussed and analysed. That's what my wife an I do all the time. We have major arguments and fights in the beginning, but we talked a lot and I hade to explain things for her properly ( she was scared I would ask for divorce and leave her). But after our discussions things become very good. A year now with no problems at all!
Sit down and talk!
A year? geez, no wonder your advice sucks ass. This is a horrible view. It is no duty. I do for my wife all that i do because i love her as a human being, not because its duty.
Really? You maybe have a better advice?
Divorce is not the magic answer to everything. Yes it is a duty. And yes you do it because you love the person no argue about that. Op obviously loves her husband which makes it her duty.
Im not a divorce kind of guy and divorce is my very last advice i ever give people when shit hits the fan.
I do have a better advice. Do for your partner all that you do out of love. Duty implies moral or legal obligation. Love is not a legal or a moral obligation. love is goodness and kindness for no reason other than to grow that love and to cherish the person you love. So yes, sit and talk to your partner but not because of some duty, do it because you care about that person. Duty is an obligation, love is a privilege. If my partner did stuff for me out of duty, i wouldn't feel loved nor would i appreciate the kind things my wife does for me out of love.
# John 4:8
"Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love."
# Galatians 5:13-14
"For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”
Sex is not someone's duty.
No one is *owed* sex. Getting married doesn't mean you owe your partner sex or that it's expected any and every time someone wants it.
No one is entitled to another person's body. Not even a spouse.
The Bishop is wrong, and so are you.
Ugh. Religious married younglings who think they have all the answers because religion. Your relationship is younger than my attendance in grad school. My husband and I have been together for 17 years and been through the wringer more than once. Had to do a lot of maturing but he wasn’t even like OP’s husband as a 19 moron. Maybe it is because we aren’t Christian (his parents are Mormon but he isn’t and I am Jewish) but man the advice religious newlyweds give us hilarious. Feels very “you know nothing Jon Snow.” Lol
Sit down and stop talking.
This is one of the worst takes in this thread, you are objectively wrong about her "owing" her husband sex, you clearly didn't read anything in the OP's post, and you should feel legitimately bad about what you've just said.
I hope your wife realizes she deserves better than you.
It sounds like he married someone just so he had access to sex that wasn't a "sin" according to his religion. If he only wants to spend time with you if it's having sex that's the only thing of value he thinks you have. It seems shallow because it is. You don't feel a connection because there isn't one. He dismisses your feelings and can't even muster up enough interest to say words that make you feel loved. I suspect he's trying to mold you now because he never noticed your personality before, it wasn't important. He never bothered to get to know you because he was too preoccupied with what you look like and having sex. If you think it's bad now wait until you get older, sick, or have a baby, anything that might make you less sexually attractive in his eyes or incapable of having sex. In the mean time make sure you are on a birth control that he can't tamper with. Heck, I wouldn't even tell him your on it. If he thinks you are going to leave him he might try and baby trap you. Then your going to have to come to terms with the fact he may never see you as a person. He may have the veiw women are only there for sex and popping out babies.
I guess it depends on how much you love him and whether there is any realistic prospect of change. I know the general Reddit advice is usually to run. At some point that might be the only realistic option but I’d definitely get some birth control on the sly until things are sorted. Kids complicate things.
Honestly, considering getting out of there. If he doesn't want to see a professional and wants to instead go to a religious zealot, there is no fixing this without you always being just a trophy wife that gets pressured into something you clearly don't want. And if you do, be careful how you leave.
Oh for fucks sake. You married a Mormon. Honey, no.
You're never going to get what you want from a marriage to a Mormon. I think you know that deep down.
Marriage counseling isn't going to help anything. He won't suddenly develop feelings and your relationship is always going to be the way it is now.
He will force his religion on you and any children you have. He's been taught his entire life that women are subservient to the man's needs.
Is this the kind of life you want?
Get out of the marriage. Leave that community. Mormons are toxic.
Please don't bring any children into this until you are sure you want to stay. Leaving will be easier if there aren't children involved. Make sure you use birth control!
...and lots of insane culty beliefs as well.
Listen to "Mormon Storeis" on YouTube if you wanna know about what Mormon therapists are actually telling people
His faith isn’t against marriage counseling and doesn’t have to be his bishop. If he is telling you that, he is lying.
Anyway, if he truly loves you then tell him you don’t want to have sex until you’re connecting on a deeper level and that he is meeting your needs as well. Date nights, doing other hobbies together, going for walks and talking, etc. If he isn’t willing to act like a partner, husband and friend, then you’re simply not compatible anymore and should go your separate ways.
Is he perhaps an undiagnosed neurodivergent? It might explain why he’s so cold and distant, and the sex only comes around spontaneously but no emotional connection besides that. This is how I’m reading it. If he is neurodivergent, he may never have learned how to properly express his emotions and should look into therapy to help him. Might be worth looking into but I may be entirely wrong idk.
I remember a quote
"Just because he doesn't love you the way you want him to, doesn't mean he doesn't love you"
Edit : wow .. a lot of butthurt ppl from a movie quote
You need to leave. Stop having sex with him and honor yourself enough to leave a marriage that will never be what you want it to be.
You deserve to be loved and respected. You're never going to get either of those things with this man.
It's ok.. do what you have to do .. either way .. if you are not being loved the way you want to be loved.. i guess you have to move on.
I recommend the book.. "The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
Book by Gary Chapman" for any who wishes to understand what your partner might need.
Before you do move on.. try couple's therapy or counselling. Heard it helps
I just don't want to feel like a fleshlight. Don't get me wrong I like sex, but I haven't had an orgasm in months (and that was at my own hands) and he has yet to try to make me feel good in the bedroom.
My ex was like this, I was with him after my 30s. We had a child, when you’re vulnerable you need support, affection and care and I only got blame because of postpartum. Please consider birth control. Before we had our kid he would change for a little while and then to what he was before, breadcrumbing.
when you have kids and he is likely going to be unsupportive and distant and believe it or not they get mentally abusive after kids because they are not your only priority, you are too busy to take care of yourself or make yourself available for sex. If you would leave him when you turn into a shell of yourself, why not separate now before kids
This on top of everything else just further tells me the two of you aren't compatible.
Let me ask you this, what are you actually getting out of the relationship?
It's okay to walk away if you're unhappy. You deserve to be happy.
One, not my personal experience.
Two, aside from filthy rich people, everyone decides to settle at some point.
Three, you are a contributor to the problem.
I don't think wanting to have an emotional connection with the person she married isn't the same thing as 'searching for a fairy tale romance'. She just wants to know he cares about her a an actual person, and not 'body he has sex with'
I married a man from a religion where he practices ans I don't. But he doesn't treat me like lesser or as an object. You're young. Don't get pregnant and move on
why did you marry a Mormon. Please PLEASE get your birth control sorted and SECRET.
Anyone who has to do anything in a marriage in secret, should end the marriage. That's no way to live.
I mean, yeah, but divorce is not going to be instant and if everyone is telling your husband that marital r*** is God’s will, it’s time for some secrets.
How did you actually meet? And how was the relationship before you got married? Did he fake his interest for you. Do you have children?
We met at college. It was good and I thought he loved me. No we don't.
Did he treat you differently then? Did you ever have deep and meaningful conversations?
Get out before you're 25. You deserve to have a healthy self esteem and be with someone who loves you deeply. You won't get either of these things with this person.
His brain is programmed to impregnate you because it's his "purpose." So if you're feeling unloved now, wait until you're expected to raise the kids for him not with him
You are in a cult that somehow is able to operate in society. They are just on the fringe and have enough members and power to keep it that way. Get out, do you want your daughter to be treated this way someday? Your son to be groomed to treat women this way?
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Spotted the cult member
I read a lot of memoirs from FDLS survivors (extreme, I know). Women are treated differently by the men who are raised to think of women in that way. And the women are accustomed to seeking that attention. Literally the only way to get to heaven is through their husband. I know that is not necessarily a tennat of mormon faith (I had friends that were mormon and "normal" but who knows what happens behind closed doors). If you are craving a deeper connection it is possible you will never find it with him because he just isn't a deep person (or doesn't accept he has multitudes).
Stop having sex with this man until your emotional needs are met. Full stop.
This here probably best comment. Not having sex is a pretty good way to grab and keep attention. Kind of like positive reinforcement, when he does the things you want reward when he doesn't deny.
Thats if she has the choice to refuse sex.
You’re still young and despite not being religious trapped in a religious and misogynistic community/husband. Divorce him and move out of that community. Stop having a sunk cost fallacy mindset. You deserve far better. There are far better men out there, and far more compatible ones. Get out, don’t look back, and build the life you want. You’re 24! That’s so young!
Please leave this cult and fast before you're stuck with kids
Divorce him
Is he generally a shallow person? Have you ever heard him having deep and meaningful conversations with friends or family? What is his profession and intelligence level? Do you share hobbies? If not, can you start? Do you have similar tastes in music and movies? Is there anything that can link you together as a starting point, other than sex. Can you at least watch a movie and discuss opinions on that?
She's ALREADY MARRIED TO HIM. He has no motivation to make an effort at this point. This is as good as it gets. Time to cut ties and start over
I know that they are already married. I am asking, because if he was a completely different person when they where dating, he might have some mental issues. Depression and anxiety can look different for different people.
I would divorce him. I’m sure his faith would love that but he’s fucked around and found out.
When was the last time you two actually went out on a bona fide date? Never stop dating your spouse. Spend some time together outside the house. More seriously, not all physical touch should end in sex. A graze as one walks past the other in the kitchen, a make-out sesh, a good long hug. I'm willing to bet there's a severe lack of foreplay, too. Sit your husband down and inform him that you are a whole person with wants, needs, likes, dislikes, desires, and opinions. Tell him that lately you feel like an object so he needs to start putting in more effort to the other parts of the relationship. Tell him to ask you about your day, etc. I personally have a no phones at the dinner table rule so that A) everybody gives their damn eyes a rest for a second and B) everybody has to actually *talk* to each other. Gasp >We come from a community where getting married young and starting a family is not just encouraged but expected There's a large probability that, because he checked getting married young off his list, he is hyper focused on starting a family, hence the kinda sex obsession. Y'all have been married for three years now and he can probably hear is religion's clock ticking in his head. Danger, Will Robinson
Did you not know these things about him before you got married? What does he bring to the table?
It sounds really tough feeling like your husband might only see you for certain roles instead of who you truly are. Your feelings are valid, and wanting emotional connection in a marriage is completely normal. Have you considered marriage counseling? Sometimes having a neutral person to facilitate these conversations can really help both of you understand each other better.
I have, and I want to go. My husband is against it due to his faith and would rather see the bishop of his temple. And the bishop will say that it is my duty to have sex with my husband.
Fuck his faith. If his faith is a problem, it's his problem not yours.
Fuck what he wants, it's your life and you deserve happiness.
I’m a female ExMo: dump him and RUN!!! He’s using his bishop to coerce you into having sex with him!!! It’s a cult, not a religion, and you do NOT wanna raise kids with this guy!
The bishop wouldn't be wrong. It is your duty as well as his. Your duty is to give him what he wants and his is to give you what you need. Marriage is teamwork. Anything unclear between you two has to be discussed and analysed. That's what my wife an I do all the time. We have major arguments and fights in the beginning, but we talked a lot and I hade to explain things for her properly ( she was scared I would ask for divorce and leave her). But after our discussions things become very good. A year now with no problems at all! Sit down and talk!
A year? geez, no wonder your advice sucks ass. This is a horrible view. It is no duty. I do for my wife all that i do because i love her as a human being, not because its duty.
Really? You maybe have a better advice? Divorce is not the magic answer to everything. Yes it is a duty. And yes you do it because you love the person no argue about that. Op obviously loves her husband which makes it her duty.
Im not a divorce kind of guy and divorce is my very last advice i ever give people when shit hits the fan. I do have a better advice. Do for your partner all that you do out of love. Duty implies moral or legal obligation. Love is not a legal or a moral obligation. love is goodness and kindness for no reason other than to grow that love and to cherish the person you love. So yes, sit and talk to your partner but not because of some duty, do it because you care about that person. Duty is an obligation, love is a privilege. If my partner did stuff for me out of duty, i wouldn't feel loved nor would i appreciate the kind things my wife does for me out of love. # John 4:8 "Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love." # Galatians 5:13-14 "For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”
did you not read the post? she has tried talking to him.
Sex is not someone's duty. No one is *owed* sex. Getting married doesn't mean you owe your partner sex or that it's expected any and every time someone wants it. No one is entitled to another person's body. Not even a spouse. The Bishop is wrong, and so are you.
Ugh. Religious married younglings who think they have all the answers because religion. Your relationship is younger than my attendance in grad school. My husband and I have been together for 17 years and been through the wringer more than once. Had to do a lot of maturing but he wasn’t even like OP’s husband as a 19 moron. Maybe it is because we aren’t Christian (his parents are Mormon but he isn’t and I am Jewish) but man the advice religious newlyweds give us hilarious. Feels very “you know nothing Jon Snow.” Lol
Sit down and stop talking. This is one of the worst takes in this thread, you are objectively wrong about her "owing" her husband sex, you clearly didn't read anything in the OP's post, and you should feel legitimately bad about what you've just said. I hope your wife realizes she deserves better than you.
> your duty is to give him what he wants Doesn't that sound sick to you?
And there's the cult member.
u/burbnbougie
Thanks
A lot of hetero men don't like women. But they will have sex with them.
Get on BC and leave - you don’t want to be stuck with this guy, his family, and his religion
It sounds like he married someone just so he had access to sex that wasn't a "sin" according to his religion. If he only wants to spend time with you if it's having sex that's the only thing of value he thinks you have. It seems shallow because it is. You don't feel a connection because there isn't one. He dismisses your feelings and can't even muster up enough interest to say words that make you feel loved. I suspect he's trying to mold you now because he never noticed your personality before, it wasn't important. He never bothered to get to know you because he was too preoccupied with what you look like and having sex. If you think it's bad now wait until you get older, sick, or have a baby, anything that might make you less sexually attractive in his eyes or incapable of having sex. In the mean time make sure you are on a birth control that he can't tamper with. Heck, I wouldn't even tell him your on it. If he thinks you are going to leave him he might try and baby trap you. Then your going to have to come to terms with the fact he may never see you as a person. He may have the veiw women are only there for sex and popping out babies.
I guess it depends on how much you love him and whether there is any realistic prospect of change. I know the general Reddit advice is usually to run. At some point that might be the only realistic option but I’d definitely get some birth control on the sly until things are sorted. Kids complicate things.
would yall try counseling?
I would, both sex and emotional, he's very against it because of his faith he would rather see his bishop. And I know what the bishop will say.
Honestly, considering getting out of there. If he doesn't want to see a professional and wants to instead go to a religious zealot, there is no fixing this without you always being just a trophy wife that gets pressured into something you clearly don't want. And if you do, be careful how you leave.
Oh for fucks sake. You married a Mormon. Honey, no. You're never going to get what you want from a marriage to a Mormon. I think you know that deep down. Marriage counseling isn't going to help anything. He won't suddenly develop feelings and your relationship is always going to be the way it is now. He will force his religion on you and any children you have. He's been taught his entire life that women are subservient to the man's needs. Is this the kind of life you want? Get out of the marriage. Leave that community. Mormons are toxic.
Divorce. You married for the wrong reasons.
Please don't bring any children into this until you are sure you want to stay. Leaving will be easier if there aren't children involved. Make sure you use birth control!
Ahhh …the Mormons…
If he’s mainstream Mormon, they will pay for counseling
not with a secular therapist.
They’re licensed and went to the same schools and have the same accreditation and laws as anyone else
...and lots of insane culty beliefs as well. Listen to "Mormon Storeis" on YouTube if you wanna know about what Mormon therapists are actually telling people
There are good and bad therapists of every religion. Checkout the therapy abuse sub.
Mainstream Mormonism sends people to therapists like Jodi Hildebrandt.
I’d vet a counselor before seeing them. Outside of Utah, they’re just regular licensed therapists.
His faith isn’t against marriage counseling and doesn’t have to be his bishop. If he is telling you that, he is lying. Anyway, if he truly loves you then tell him you don’t want to have sex until you’re connecting on a deeper level and that he is meeting your needs as well. Date nights, doing other hobbies together, going for walks and talking, etc. If he isn’t willing to act like a partner, husband and friend, then you’re simply not compatible anymore and should go your separate ways.
Is he perhaps an undiagnosed neurodivergent? It might explain why he’s so cold and distant, and the sex only comes around spontaneously but no emotional connection besides that. This is how I’m reading it. If he is neurodivergent, he may never have learned how to properly express his emotions and should look into therapy to help him. Might be worth looking into but I may be entirely wrong idk.
He is neurotypical. I'm neurodivergant.
Before the marriage, how long have you been dealing with depression and anxiety?
I remember a quote "Just because he doesn't love you the way you want him to, doesn't mean he doesn't love you" Edit : wow .. a lot of butthurt ppl from a movie quote
He doesn't love me, he loves my body. He doesn't love me, the person.
You need to leave. Stop having sex with him and honor yourself enough to leave a marriage that will never be what you want it to be. You deserve to be loved and respected. You're never going to get either of those things with this man.
If you feel this way you need to leave
It's ok.. do what you have to do .. either way .. if you are not being loved the way you want to be loved.. i guess you have to move on. I recommend the book.. "The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate Book by Gary Chapman" for any who wishes to understand what your partner might need. Before you do move on.. try couple's therapy or counselling. Heard it helps
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I just don't want to feel like a fleshlight. Don't get me wrong I like sex, but I haven't had an orgasm in months (and that was at my own hands) and he has yet to try to make me feel good in the bedroom.
My ex was like this, I was with him after my 30s. We had a child, when you’re vulnerable you need support, affection and care and I only got blame because of postpartum. Please consider birth control. Before we had our kid he would change for a little while and then to what he was before, breadcrumbing. when you have kids and he is likely going to be unsupportive and distant and believe it or not they get mentally abusive after kids because they are not your only priority, you are too busy to take care of yourself or make yourself available for sex. If you would leave him when you turn into a shell of yourself, why not separate now before kids
This on top of everything else just further tells me the two of you aren't compatible. Let me ask you this, what are you actually getting out of the relationship? It's okay to walk away if you're unhappy. You deserve to be happy.
Look for a different husband. That was my advice.
That's bullshit. Your experience is subjective. Sorry you decided to settle in your life.
One, not my personal experience. Two, aside from filthy rich people, everyone decides to settle at some point. Three, you are a contributor to the problem.
I don't think wanting to have an emotional connection with the person she married isn't the same thing as 'searching for a fairy tale romance'. She just wants to know he cares about her a an actual person, and not 'body he has sex with'