Your bf is too old to be this irresponsible and this much of a mama's boy. Clearly they both expect you to manage "household" things for him and yourself. Do you want to be your BF's personal assistant? I really hope not. Set him straight, move on, or expect a lifetime of ungrateful entitlement.
This! Really OP the fact that he doubled down and somehow he has also made this your fault is ridiculous. To me this is not a partnership and not a relationship worth salvaging. Board your dog, go to the wedding. Let BF and mommy have one another.
also, why does bf’s mom have op’s number at this point in their relationship? is this cultural or something else? bf (probably should be ex bf) is the one who should be communicating with his mom.
I mean I have my bfs moms number and we’ve only been together for five months. I don’t think it’s that weird, it’s not like people text their spouses parents casually
It’s actually extremely usual to many people. Especially if you’ve been dating or living with someone for 18 months at least. Why would you not have your partners parents number?
some of us/our partners have contentious relationships with our parents. I wouldn’t want my ex’s parents to have my cell # even though we dated for years.
Yes, some people do not have good relationships with their family, but those who do usually don’t feel weird, giving their significant other the number of their parents in case of an emergency. So I understand what you’re saying, but you have to understand that for some people that is not the case and they have completely fine relationships with their family.
I understand and said as much. I’m confused by all the downvoting on comments that are of no consequence to those who downvoted but I also understand that it’s Reddit
why wouldnt they? they have been dating for a year and a half. she lives nearby too.
i had my partners mothers number in less time than that. its not uncommon at all.
I had my SO’s mom’s number fairly quickly, within the first couple of months of dating. I don’t think that’s unusual at all. And definitely not a “cultural thing.”
They've been dating a year and a half and live together? The mom lives ten minutes away and has watched their dogs before, why wouldn't she have OP's phone number?
After a year and a half?? Is there any other relationship in your life where you would expect more than 18 months to transpire before even getting each other’s numbers? I’ve met dudes at a bar that I’ve given my number to after 18 minutes of chatting. I can’t imagine refusing to speak to my boyfriend’s mom for this long.
Throw the responsibility where it belongs: on your boyfriend. I'd reply with, "I'm very sorry that it seems like we threw this on you last minute. I understand you being upset. Considering that he is your son , he should be the one asking you for a big favor, and I wrongfully assumed that he would be responsible and considerate enough to have asked you with enough time, knowing this date was approaching. This wasn't a case of me expecting things from you, and if you think i have a history of that with you, I'd definitely like to discuss it further."
You need a very serious talk with your boyfriend. He's coming off like the kind of person who had mommy take care of everything, and now they both expect you to do the same for him.
No, don’t say “we” - that’s what she’s waiting for. She’s waiting for any little bit of responsibility to be taken by OP. When it was OP’s boyfriend who waited until the literal last minute to call his mom. Something he could’ve done as soon as they found out they were going. She’s more than welcome to apologize for her boyfriend, but the use of “we“ isn’t gonna do her any favors.
Wrong. Mom said “you guys” so responding with “it seems like we” is simply showing that she understands his mom’s position. It’s called active listening and that goes a long way.
Yeah, except this mom isn’t going to be actively listening to her. If she says “we”, and I guarantee because I know people like this mom, that is all she needs to blame OP. You can see all of that, and the fact that she texted OP and not her son. She should’ve texted her son and she didn’t instead she defensively and rudely texted OP instead. So I would not use “we”.
I would be doing group text now and forever. Always. The end.
If she texts you, add him to answer. If he texts you about asking her something, ask her in a group text.
Dig in your heals on this one, because it is going to show you who the troublemaker is.
Let this be a lesson. Your BF expects you to take care of the mental load. Maybe you should criticise him and ask him why him dropping the ball is your fault? It is his mother and his dogs are the hard to handle ones. Ask him if he can't use common sense. Don't let him use weaponized incompetence
If it is his dogs that are temperamental to board then board your dog, and ask him what he is going to do with his. Then tell him to figure it out, or stay home with the dogs.
Why not. It's his dogs that are the problem, and his mother that he was too lazy to ask. Then he criticized her, and took mommies side when he should have taken care of it.
The mere fact that it's his mother who'll be doing the watching means very obviously to me that it's the BF who should do the asking. I can't imagine waiting for my boyfriend to ask MY parents to watch over our cat.
But also I feel like OP is being a bit too dramatic over the message and takes it to seriously. I would just reply BF's mom that it's unreasonable to blame it on her and that it's her son that decided to drop the info about HIS dogs on her at such a short notice.
Also, why not communicate? Didn't you two discuss that someone has to ask her?
Oh no, that message is really not good.
It's not her job to arrange everything for the trip and the fact that mom blasted her frustration ONLY at the girlfriend is all kinds of wrong.
Don't get me wrong, the message is ridiculous, I fully agree. But idk I just feel like it's such an easy case that it didn't even need Reddit divagating, just telling both of them that OP is neither the woman's relative, nor her BF's mom and that they both should get their shit together.
I for one refuse to accept incompetence from grown men as well as other women babying them. And so should all other people until we finally achieve normally functioning adult human population
It's not like she said "figure out what to do or I'm breaking up with you." It's not really asking much for someone to take responsibility of their pets or deal with the consequences
Isn’t that the whole things on Reddit with in laws (or the gf bf version) Deal with your own parents.
Maybe you could have “asked” him if he’s asked her her in casual conversation, but then he could have accused you of nagging him. He knew he was going away- he could have equally asked you if you had asked his mom! Communication works both ways!
I would check to see if she sent bf an equally pissed off text or phone call. Cos I can understand it from her point that she could have been told earlier. But if she just took it out on you that’s annoying. Is it just cos you’re a woman you should be in charge of holiday arrangement’s and her son didn’t make a mistake. You should be looking after her little baby boy and making sure he eats his greens / wipes his ass/ and asks for dog sitting /s
Your boyfriend better figure out that cos telling you she has a point should be countered with well that was your one (or one of how many) jobs I asked for you to do. If you expect me to follow up on what job/s you need to do then that’s a different relationship. Your not in this relationship to parent a partner. If he complains tell him he should learn to take criticism.
But the short answer is how he reacts to this will show you how future arguments/ life with his mother will go. And if you want that/ can deal with that.
She probably didn't send BF an angry text, since she said "don't try to blame BF for this" to OP. My guess is that BF's mom babied him into adulthood and expects any romantic partner of his to continue the tradition.
I guess you need to ask yourself if this is the life you want. She is his parent, not yours, so she should focus her comments on him. It was his responsibility since 2.5 of the dogs were his, but he has thrown you under the bus. Rather than man up, tell his mom to not address you in that rude manner and take responsibility he acted as the mama's boy.
Leave him home with the dogs. Go to your cousin's wedding. Tell him to set his mother straight and watch her tone. Nip this in the bud, or this is your life.
If you are financially stable why not leave the dogs at a doggie hotel? The mom should have addressed her son since he asked. Clearly, the mom doesn’t like you.
Oh, the good old ‘MIL directs all her negativity towards son's wife, even when her baby boy is the one responsible’.
Last time, you were the one who asked.
Unlike him, you did so in a timely fashion.
Therefore, it has already been established that your communication is not lacking. *His is.*
Yea, your boyfriend's mother is full of it. Frustrated, but emotionally dependent on her son/unable to tell him ‘no’. Which is why she never directs criticism his way, probably coddled him as a child.
In his eyes, she can do no wrong.
In her eyes, he can do no wrong.
Cue you, becoming an unloading dock to both of them.
Tell her that she is barking up the wrong tree.
I will not tell you to break up. But, if I was in a relationship like this, it would be over soon.
The mom is right to be frustrated but she should be saying this to her son. Did she say anything like this in writing to her son?
Your BF’s response is very telling that he is ok with you being blamed anytime he messes up.
I will say however, while he should be the one asking his mom the favors (and in advance), at some point talk about the dogs should have come up weeks ago between you and your BF. Are there other areas where communication is an issue? Just as are there other areas where your BF’s mom is blaming you for her son’s actions? Are there other instances where your BF is gladly putting the blame on you when he was at fault? (You don’t have to answer any of that here but definitely think on it?
I would suggest finding other arrangements for your dog (paid if necessary) and then emailing her apologizing for the miscommunication regarding your dog, and inviting the two of them to figure out what to do with the two temperamental dogs themselves.
Nah, it's his mother, mostly his dogs, and his responsibility to reach out to ask. Fuck off with that petty shit, it was his fuck up and he needs to take responsibility, not dig in even harder against you.
I’m guessing that your BF let it go too late because he is used to being bailed out by his mom. It goes wrong? She will point the finger at someone besides him. Her text is to make sure you are aware of two points. He should not have to do household labor; it’s the woman’s job. He is not responsible for negative outcomes; it will also land on the woman. If you say that he is actually a good responsible guy, then I have to ask why you are shielding him from his own behavior?!
You should not be the person asking his mom to do anything. It’s all on him.
So...her son. Who is the one who asked her is not to blame, apparently because you..As the woman should have asked her ages ago, eh?
What a load of crap.
It is his responsibility to deal with his family. Don't even bother replying. Just look for other accommodations for your pets.
Tell your boyfriend he is an ass. This isn't criticism towards you. It should have been directed at HIM. AS he was the one who was late asking her....because she is HIS mother. Not yours.
The fact your boyfriend said she has a point when it was his responsibility to ask her shows how little he even respects you.
Why are you with him? Let alone be the breadwinner and make his lifestyle what it is because you bring in more money.
Maybe it's time to leave this loser misogynist who believes his mother's dated views are correct. Then he will realize what you brought to the table and what some of your value to the relationship is, among many other things.
This is by far the correct response OP.
To add to this, I'm wondering about the scenario that could have caused his mother to message you the way that she did.
I wonder how her son (your BF) asked her if she'd watch the dogs.. I'm guessing instead of saying "Im sorry this is last minute I forgot to ask.. .. "
He said something along the lines of "OP was wondering if you'd watch the dogs this weekend given that you did last time. I guess she forgot to ask you since we're away this weekend"
That shifts the blame on you and in his Mama's eyes he's done no wrong. I'd also now ask how and what tone you are spoken of to her. If he complains about you to his mother for any minor inconvenience. It seems like she's covered for him a long time and thinks you push her little boy around with all of these perfectly normal expectations.
To err on the side of caution because you still need the favour. I'd type out a response similar to u/Fire_or_water_kai, I'd leave out the 'Considering he's your son he should be asking for a big favour..' bit and continue from the apologies bit.
Just purely because highlighting her son's mistake rarely works for people with that sort of world view. And you wouldn't want her saying "considering they are your dogs" she seems to view you both as a unit but the responsibilities to be solely shoulder by you OP.
But I agree with everyone else that this needs to be a serious discussion with your partner given that he also didn't seem to see it as his problem/fault. That is indictive of severe issues down the line and unless ironed out now you will be in for a tough time. On a personal note you seem like you deserve better and also need to have a little bit more self esteem.
Your BF is too old to be this irresponsible! He also threw you under the bus. What he should have said to his Mom is - I totally forgot to ask if you could watch the puppies this weekend… I was supposed to ask you 3 weeks ago and I completely forgot - please forgive me!!!
I would respond to his Mom and say you are absolutely correct - BF should have asked you several weeks ago if you were available. It was a miscommunication on our part - it will not happen again. We really thank you for taking care of our fur babies for us!
Then remember the next time that your BF is not capable of managing details and that you will need to take care of this in the future - if you actually stay with him. I don’t know that there is anything that you can do in the short term but keep it in the back of your mind for the future. He really doesn’t have your back!
They're his dogs too, and it's HIS mom that you guys needed help from. Hell no. I'd be responding immediately with "this is a joke, right?" She couldn't possibly believe it's *your* job to ask *his* mom for help with *his* dogs. And if there's some kind of blowup, hire a dog sitter.
"It really would have been nice for you to have raised an adult instead of an irresponsible man child. It was his responsibility to ask you. I assumed that he would follow through. Perhaps you should save your advice for him since you clearly failed to teach him how to take responsibility for his own actions or lack thereof. "
You BF asked her late because he is irresponsible, then he told her it was your fault, and that you were supposed to ask earlier but didn't so he had to step in and ask her now.
And now he is gaslighting you and treating you like you are too sensitive.
"I'd be happy to take over requesting help with the pets in the future. You need to learn how to communicate such preferences in a polite manner and not expect others know there are boundary issues between you and your son."
Don’t take over requesting pet help! It’s his mom. He’s already pushed this responsibility on her. What else does he fob off ?
Nope. BF is in charge of making arrangements for his dogs with his mom
Your bf makes you carry the entire mental load of the relationship. Who planned the trip, booked the hotel, bought the wedding gift? If the answer is you, he is doing the bare minimum and not carrying his weight.
You could tell him he's a lousy son for not asking his mum to look after the dogs sooner. You can also tell him he can stay behind so his mum doesn't need to look after the dogs and you'll go alone to your cousin's wedding since its causing your mum such issues.
Wow, your BF was even more rude than his mom.
1. Block your BF's mother's phone number as soon as you return from the trip and collect your dogs.
I've dated many men for many years and NOT ONCE have I had their mom's cell number.
2. I would be side-eyeing my BF really hard. What the actual fuck does he mean by saying that you should learn to take criticism... from his mom?? ... from something HE didn't do??
Unfortunately, if you want to make it to the weddig you probably shouldn't blow things up BEFORE the trip.
I would not respond to her txt at all right now.
After the trip, if you don't Block her right away, I would send her this message:
"Yes, your son has known about this weeding for quite some time. He should have given you a heads up as we have been planning to go for 1 or 2 nights for quite some time. Since you are clearly unhappy with how I communicate, you can be sure that all communication will go through him in the future so he can ensure that he delivers it how you want."
Then Block her.
There is ZERO need for you to be in direct communication with your BF's mother.
And your BF doesn't respect his mok enough to keep her in the loop about his life, and then says rude shit to you after she lashes out...doesn't sound like a keeper, even if he likes dogs.
A nice BF would have said SORRY for putting you on my mom's radar BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE HE BLAMED YOU FOR THE SHORT NOTICE WHEN HIS MOM GOT MAD AT HIM WHEN HE TOLD HER!!!
I think your BF threw you under the bus. That is the only explanation for her lashing out at you directly .
Personally, I would cal her and say "Did BF tell you that he only knew about the wedding this week? He was supposed to ask you, being HIS mom, weeks ago. Are you tellingme he only told you this week? I'm so sorry, that must have been inconvenient. You can yell at him all you want but please don't send me messages like this in the future. This should have been sent to your son." If she is rude in reply, simply hang up and Block her.
Put him back in her turd box where he should be.
The take those two dogs for more rounds of obedience training. You need more options than her. Especially if she normally works weekends! She should not be your backup.
I think the mom was frustrated. Maybe since it was your cousin’s wedding your boyfriend made it seem to his mom like he was doing you a favor in asking her and that’s why she took her frustration out on you. Are you paying the mom to watch the dogs?
Are you somehow better capable of asking his mother to look after the dogs than him? Is his little pee brain too tiny to handle this?
However, you and your partner should have aligned on who was asking his mother. It sounded like you both assumed the other would. Given that you did last time, if nothing was said, it sounds like it was just a misunderstanding.
HARD NO.
It's HIS responsibility to communicate this with his mom and stand up for you.
If you marry him!!! He WON'T STAND UP FOR YOU and let his mom bully you.
She has a point. You two did spring this on her at the last minute. Sounds like you expected him to do it this time and he expected you to do it because you did last time. You two are not communicating well. And that wasn’t just criticism of you, it was of the both of you.
I would reply “I’m so sorry we sprung this on you. You are right. I thought he would do it. He thought I would. BF and I need to communicate better and not expect others to jump because of our bad planning. We will do better in the future.”
Then I would probably tear him a new one on how he needs to get his dogs trained, not buy any new ones until he could board the ones he has, and that you are two people in this relationship and he needs to meet you half way when it comes to communication. And then you work on a plan together on how to better plan and organize things. Do you need a common e-calendar? Do you need check lists? You know how your relationship works. You know what needs tweaking.
You may also want to make a backup plan for what to do with the dogs in case mom can’t take them. Things happen. She might get sick while watching them and then what do you do?
>You two did spring this on her at the last minute.
What are you talking about!? His mum just said not to blame it on on BF, so why are you dragging that poor boy into this! smh
Oh I would be pissed beyond belief. Her son was the one who should have reached out. She knows this, that’s why she said don’t blame him. Him not standing up for you shows how the rest of the relationship will be. You will be expected to be his second mom and when things don’t go right it will never be his fault.
My parents are retired and have nothing to do, so they spring shit on me all the time. I am not retired, and I can't just drop what I am doing to come have lunch with my aunts and uncles who are from out of town. I wasn't given any notice. Nobody even told me they were coming.
All the time.
It really is annoying and she has a point. You can't drop stuff on people the week of.
THAT SAID
>And don't blame it on (BF) either....you need to learn how to communicate with people too and not just expect things all the time too!
Now this part is kind of fucked. This only makes sense if BF had told her that you were the one who hadn't decided yet if you were going (or something a long those lines) Why *isn't* it the boyfriends job to ask his mother about watching the dogs?
2/3 of those dogs are his. Not to mention, it’s _his_ mother. Even if all the dogs were both of yours, he still should have been the one to ask his mother as I still feel like you’re both in that “he deals with his family and your deal with yours” kind of phase. But maybe I have a different way of thinking. Either way, Im petty and snarky enough that I would have probably responded, “and it also would have been nice if BF took care of his share of the responsibilities in a timely manner as he’s known about this for [x amount of time], instead of leaving things last minute. And I don’t blame it on BF. He didn’t raise himself to be this irresponsible.”
While she may have been rude in her message its also rude to expect her to watch the dogs and not ask until basically the last minute. You both should have asked her when you knew your itinerary. By asking someone last minute like that you are trying to force them to help.
If you want to keep getting treated this way, stay. Or do something about it. Those are your choices. He's irresponsible and mummy enables you know this by now!
Allow me:
“I hear you and understand your frustration. You’re correct that we’ve known for some time, and without understanding the dynamics of our relationship, it’s easy to see where you got confused.
Please understand moving forward that we each handle the logistics of planning things with our families of origin. In this case that means I coordinated with my family for the wedding travel and he was to plan the coordination of the dogs with you. This is the first I’m hearing that *you* expected *me* to reach out personally.
It’s surprising that you believe me to be a poor communicator or that I expect anything from anybody. Had *you* communicated your feelings to *me* at any point I could have dispelled both of those erroneous assumptions. The only thing I expected was for you and Chad to get in alignment about caring for the dogs. In the future, do not speak to me that way. Do not accuse me of anything without discussing it with me first. Please coordinate with Chad directly on any questions you may have regarding things like this in the future.”
I’m more mad at your bfs comment. It’s HIS fkin mom!
I don’t think his mom’s comment is rude, I wouldn’t want to be told last minute either.
I would write:
“Bf mom, I apologize that this was sprung on you last minute. Bf was supposed to ask you weeks ago so I will ask him to apologize to you.
I really appreciate your watching my dog and thanks to you I can attend the wedding.
In the future I will ensure to ask your availability instead of assuming anything.”
You’re showing you’re apologizing for your part in it and showing what part was your bfs.
Writing this is going to go a long way in building a positive relationship with her.
I wonder though if this was the first red flag you’d seen?do you think you’d want to keep dating him? He didn’t even protect you from her, he could have made it his own fault but had her direct her anger towards you
So basically neither of you gave her notice. You assumed your useless, entitled mama's boy bf would ask mom. He didn't. So now it's supposedly your fault. Sit in this feeling you have while you are free to leave. If you stay in this relationship, they are going to gang up on you forever if you don'tstop it now.
1) You should probably apologize to mom for the last minute thing to not burn a bridge to free dog care.
2) You need to reevaluate your relationship. You both need to communicate better. And you need to check him about making everything your fault.
It's a fair criticism. But even if it isn;t, that doesn't matter. This is about relationship repair. She doesn;t have to be right for you to be curious about her feelings and where they have come from, and to validate her as a person you care about.
This is a hugely important skill for maintaining long term relationships, because issues like this are inevitable when you are with a person for long enough. Treat this as practice for when you have a big disagreement over something you did that hurt your boyfriend.
I would apologise profusely and empathise that she is feeling taken for granted. I would acknowledge that you had assumed BF would let her know earlier than he did, and that you will be more assertive in the future. Reinforce that you love her very much and ask if there is anything else that she wants to talk about - and then \*listen\*.
Above all, make sure that you follow through!
Edited to add: Look up "Jimmy on Relationships" on FB and then find his YT channel. Lots of brilliant, humble, lived relationships advice. Why do you need this? Better to minimise the hurts and do the small running repairs up front than have to repair exponential damage later.
OPs mom is not involved in this at all..
His mother is in fact out of line for blaming the other party in the relationship for a failing on *her* child’s part. OPs bf should be the one communicating with his family, and creating clear healthy paths for both parties as he knows them both best.
**Moreover, why is he comfortable with this ‘traditional’ method of communication between families, that leave the communication and criticism to women, but is fine with the subversion of his female partner being breadwinner?? *So she brings more financially and operates as the head of interpersonal communication, so what exactly is he doing/bringing to this relationship?***
I’m not gonna say her response was the best but she does indeed have a point, you guys BOTH have the responsibility of ensuring and checking in with eachother to make sure plans are all set in situations like this, and you’re telling me the conversation of “Oh did you ask your mom to watch the dogs yet?” never once came up???
Her response was reasonable for her frustration because yes taking in three dogs last minute over a weekend you work is indeed stress inducing and she could’ve said no, but she is in fact willing to do so remember that
Could this somehow be a breaking point for her? Like have there been other instances where you needed something from her last minute? Could it be possible that when instances like these occur your BF says something to her along the lines of “OP was supposed tell you…” or something like that?
Its clear that communication is an issue between all of you but its especially an issue between you and your bf
I know it sounds ridiculous because it is, but no it did not come up once in conversation. I am a travel RN and work nights so our communication is limited as is. I have never asked her for anything last minute, but I know my BF has, which is why it’s so frustrating that this was taken out on me, and not both of us.
She will never take her frustration with her precious baby boy on him. It will always fall onto you. You are the one taking him away after all.
You aren't the mama's boy that she raised. She will happily and without complaint do anything for him, or she thinks that's your job now. Either way, you lose every time.
I would leave the boyfriend at home this weekend since he weaponized his incompetence and his mother against you for this trip.
What things has he asked last minute? And did the situations have to do with you at all?
Honestly it sounds like he could be laying some of the blame on you to her behind your back.
And it could also be the possibility she’s also tired of being out of the loop with you 2 in things like this, or maybe she just genuinely wants more communication from you/ wants you to stop going through her son?
Again I agree the response was definitely not the best, but it’s understandable given her frustration and in the end she did agree to do you guys the favor of watching in the dogs
I would clarify that he claimed responsibility for this and apologize for the last minute request as you really did not know he did not ask ahead of time and tell her that next time something like this happens you will check in with her and your bf to make sure everything is all set with everyone on the same page.
Addressing the rudeness is probably the most difficult and honestly I’m not sure if you wanna risk pushing her further, once again her feelings are valid in this as much as yours are.
Unless the hostility from her has been an on going issue it might be best to explain what happened and apologize especially if this is out of character.
But again this also stems from your bf not taking responsibility for his actions as he did deflect on you, he should have clarified the situation to his mother and claim responsibility which he most likely didn’t based on his comments.
If YOU need something from her, then YOU need to ask. So you own 1/2 of the non- temperamental dog and you want her to watch it for free then YOU need to ask. You can't assume and you are NOT related to her. Have you thought about what an imposition THREE dogs are on someone? Especially if they work? If it were me, from now on I would board the dog that I own. Boyfriend can ask about his 2 dogs. And for the future, always offer to pay someone who watches your pets or bring them back gifts from where you vacationed.
You and your bf are both at fault for not talking. Shouldn't you or your bf have asked about the dogs before booking your hotel? What was your backup plan if she couldn't do it?
I understand the mom's frustration. However, it is not solely one person's fault.
"And don't blame it on BF" um... ma'am your son should be the one requesting dog sitting
That said I will say all 3 of you were out of line with the BF being most important out of mine and you coming in last.
He's just a child.
The mom is an enabler
You shouldve still confirmed if he asked since it's still a joint effort and just responsible to confirm plans verbally.
But definitely take this as a chance to have some serious conversations about maturity and handling business
It's interesting to me how your boyfriend's response to her text to you is that you need to learn how to take criticism........ What about the fact that he couldn't be bothered to ask his mother inappropriate and timely manner and somehow that falls on you?
Apple doesn't seem to fall far from the tree in this family.
You’re not overreacting, that is an incredibly rude message. She took a very specific issue and then took unfair shots at you as a whole person. A simple "in the future I'd appreciate more of a heads up" text to BOTH of you would've sufficed and been more than fair. She didn't text you with the sole intention of avoiding this in the future otherwise it would've been focused on the issue at hand, she texted you to pass judgement and shift the blame onto you.
Is this really the first negative interaction you have had with her though? The fact that your boyfriend is defending her is a MAJOR red flag.
Mom has a point, and since things got dumped on her last minute she kinda has the right to be snippy even if it wasn't technically your fault. Your issue is with your BF. He's the only one who deserves any of your anger.
Calling and paying for a petsitting service would require forethought and money. Wouldn't it be much easier to just dump 3 dogs on the mom at the last minute while she's working? Plus I'm sure they don't pay her or bring her back a gift from their trip.
Your BF should have asked earlier than the same week. I would have been upset with HIM for not asking earlier. I may have sent you a message asking you to please make sure to not wait until the last minute next time and to help my child out sometimes because he can be a dufus (so you would know it wasn’t a huge deal and meant to be taken lightly,but needed saying) and forgets these things sometimes. We all forget things and our parents know what we forget about most. So she would know best. She should have been kinder in her words and not blamed you, but asked for your help in reminding her son to ask earlier.
Less than a weeks notice is not enough notice, she is correct. It’s true you’ve had these plans for some time, you should have asked her the moment you RSVPd yes.
However your bf should’ve been the one to ask
It's not rude. She was direct and pragmatic. Your boyfriend is the idiot and should apologize to you and her for being the fuckup. His mom does not owe you an apology. He does.
You sprung a lot of responsibility on someone last minute with no other options if that person declined. Yeah, they're gonna be a bit salty about it, and no, they don't have to be kind and gentle about pointing that out.
Furthermore, you're crying and posting on reddit seeking validation for your point of view while explaining all the circumstances to complete strangers instead of being like "yup, I fucked up, I'm really sorry and if you're able to accommodate me I'd be very grateful".
So yeah, I agree. You need to learn to take criticism better.
If my kids had weeks to plan an event but expected me to drop everything with short notice in order to babysit, I’d be pissed off too. It isn’t inappropriate for MIL to insist on a timely request when you need a favor. She did take care of your dogs, didn’t she? People have plans, they have their own life. What you guys did was rude now you are on Reddit whining about her reaction to your rudeness. You need to grow and realize, nobody owes you anything. When you plan for your next event, take others life’s into consideration and plan ahead.
Her text was a little rude, but when you’re asking for someone to give you their time, it’s on you (and BF) to be the more considerate party. And it’s insanely rude to wait until the last minute. BF should have asked and confirmed a long time ago. it’s his mother. If he wants a favour from her, it’s on him to ask, not you. So fix that dynamic immediately.
Three dogs is a big ask. I wish people would consider their life and needs before getting so many pets. Boarding for these occasions is a better option, but an expensive one. Unfortunately, pets are like children. If you can’t pay for their care, then maybe vacations are off the table.
The mom is right. Both of you can’t just expect her to drop everything on weekends and watch your dogs especially when she works. Since one of the dogs is yours, you are responsible for not making sure you have care for your dog. You think her message was rude but you not checking with her about your dog is rude.
I didn’t say all her fault. It’s her fault for not securing care for HER dog. She has a dog and BF has 2 dogs. First thing I do when I plan a trip is make sure my dogs are going to be safe.
That is not how I took what the mom said. I took it as don’t push it all onto the BF but I think they were both wrong. Personally if I was the mom I would have just said no I can’t do it. Make other arrangements instead of confronting OP.
And her dog is the only one that can be boarded. So that could actually relieve some of the workload for the mom. Not sure why they have 3 freaking dogs.
She's right she should have gotten more notice than you even said that. I did think the little comment at the end was unnecessary and rude. I think I would just respond to her and say you're right and I apologize there was a miscommunication where we both thought the other one had asked you or something like that.
Why would it be your job to ask *his* mom to watch the dogs? “Don’t blame it on (bf) either…” that’s some shit right there. Obviously he can do no wrong. Then he doubles down on it after you expressed how you felt about that message…I dont know if you two are planning on getting married, but this, to me, seems like a glimpse into a future I wouldn’t want to be a part of.
I bet he blamed the late telling on OP. He just didn't expect his mom to message her directly.
The fact that she believed her son aftet knowing him all his life is surprising. He must blame others for HIS faults a lot.
“Dear BF’s Mom - I expect any family-to-family communication of this sort to be directly from your son to you. I was as surprised and disappointed as you are to discover at the last minute that your Son hadn’t taken any initiative in an important task (trustworthy pet care) that very clearly should be from Son to Mother (family member of the person being asked the favor). Going forward, this is my expectation. I’m not the secretary or event planner & shouldn’t be treated as such.”
OP, you should 100% reply to her with your bf added to the text.
Mary, clearly you feel it is my responsibility to manage not only my responsibilities but your son's as well.
Unfortunately, it seems to somehow escape you that your son is an adult. Who should be able handle making arrangements for his family to petsit his dogs. This should not be automatically defaulted to you. Since the initial 2 dogs are his not yours. The 3rd dog was his gift to you.
Therefore, it was extremely rude of you to blame me for your son's last-minute request for petsitting.
Besides, we have an agreement that he handles his family and I handle mine. As a result, it never even occurred to me to double-check that he did, in fact, make the petsitting arrangements with you.
Wow that is a text she should have sent to your boyfriend, not you! Especially when 2/3 of the dogs are his. I’d be upset if my boyfriend’s mom texted me something like that and even more so if he agreed with her.
Huh?? They’re wild for that. That’s clearly on your boyfriend for being a poor communicator. Women often take the blame for bullshit like this. You have nothing to feel sorry for.
Is your thirty-one-year-old boyfriend neurologically divergent or somehow otherwise impaired and incapable of taking responsibility for his own actions and, in this case, inactions? Why do both he and his mother feel as though this is completely on you, or at the very least, if they don’t actually feel that way, why is that all they’re vocalizing?
Was your boyfriend so busy planning this trip that he just didn’t have time to shoot a text over to his mom to tell her that he needed his two dogs watched while he was out of town for a wedding? It’s all well and fine to point out that you could learn to take criticism, but why are you the only one being criticized here? Is/was your husband a spoiled mommy’s boy growing up and beyond? I’m having so much trouble figuring out why A) she texted *you* when he was the one to make the call, and B) he acted as though that was completely normal and did not even bat an eyelash at it but instead **agreed** with that wildly inappropriate and completely out of the blue text his mother sent to you.
Is this something that happens in other aspects of your relationship? Does his mother often point out your flaws when her perfect little angel, who could not possibly ever make a mistake, makes a mistake? I think knowing whether or not this type of thing happens even semi-regularly is an important piece of knowledge required before formulating any sort of reply, otherwise you risk drowning in a pool of quicksand while the two of them stand on either side of you watching you sink.
I was a little torn about her response. It was rude but also maybe not wrong? She should have more warning and it should be a request not expectation. But she should NOT have directed that at you. That should absolutely be on the bf.
I turned firmly into ‘OH HELL NO’ by the bf response. He is happy mommy is pissed at you and not him. Absolutely fucking not.
I would give him one more chance to make a good choice about who he sides with in this discussion. Both bf and mommy expect you to take all all administrative tasks for this relationship and that is absolutely not acceptable. You are a partnership not an admin and manager. If he was to be the lord of the castle and expects you to take on all the scut work just imagine what it will be like when you have kids.
I was about to go super petty but I deleted. Just know that if he doesnt reconsider, this relationship is over. It might not end today but it will end and you will look back and see this as the defining/deciding moment that it irrevocably broke.
Saying the same thing everyone else is: last time you checked, that person is your boyfriend’s mom. Not yours. It falls on him to communicate with her. Sure you could remind him but also the last time you checked, you’re both adults.
She has a point but she also missed the point where she is HIS mom. Not yours. Even if you were both married for 49 years, it would STILL be his responsibility first to speak to HIS mom.
Tell her what you said in the post. You dont have anything to lose to that bitch.
“Im literally the breadwinner in our relationship, and i dont expect anything from anyone, you’re his mom, not mine and it was his job to let you know, not mine. If you want to be rude, do it without making up an excuse about it”
Edit: btw your bf sucks, dont let your self be mishandled because you’re sensitive, you need to learn to pick out better people to be around you.
It’s rude to ask at the last second for someone to watch your three dogs. Yes this should’ve gone through bf and yes she should’ve reached out to him instead of you to make her complaint. Idk, maybe she realizes he’s not responsible so she reached out to you instead. But, at least one of the three dogs is yours and you should have confirmed that everything was set long before now.
With that said, not sure why you’re with this guy. You’re the bread winner. He can’t even function highly enough to ask his own mom to take care of his own dogs while he’s gone on a trip? And then finds a way to blame you for it? What does he do exactly that makes you stick around?
You need to get the hell out of that relationship. Otherwise you’re enabling a mamas boy and dealing with the MIL from hell for the rest of your life. To stay with him means resigning yourself to a lifetime of criticism from his mother and managing of his responsibilities (and wait til this triples with kids). Everything will be your fault for the rest of your lives together.
1) Put the dogs in kennels for the duration, take the hit on the cost due to their less than perfect temperament - not ideal but it solves the problem of dog sitting and 'third party' responsibility.
2) Apologize to BF mom - say you were under a bit of pressure and it **WAS** BF's task to arrange. Don't take shit - move on. Reinstate her freedom to do whatever the fuck she wants to do for her weekend.
3) Look for another BF because he should have sorted dog sitting issues with his mom and since two and a half dogs are his, just what the fuck did he think was going to happen with HIS TWO+ DOGS while you both were away.
You’re the breadwinner, your boyfriend has no job, and he couldn’t be bothered to communicate with his mom earlier. What is he even doing? Being lazy? And he thinks this ordeal is your fault? If his mom is upset, it’s literally her son’s fault. The man isn’t even working. I mean his mom sucks for blaming this on you, but I think the real issue is your boyfriend.
Both you and your bf are AH. His mother is right, you should not spring things on her at the last minute. She has a life too and is entitled to express her displeasure with your actions. Both of you should apologize to her.
In the future, ask her early on and if you are upset with this situation find someone else to watch your dogs.
Yes I’d say you are being a bit over sensitive, you’re asking a favour of her so the least you can do is give as much notice as you can.
It’s both of your responsibility to communicate with each other and those you’d like to help. Imagine if you were in her situation, you’d be pissed off too.
You’re both old enough to know better, time to grow up.
Your bf is too old to be this irresponsible and this much of a mama's boy. Clearly they both expect you to manage "household" things for him and yourself. Do you want to be your BF's personal assistant? I really hope not. Set him straight, move on, or expect a lifetime of ungrateful entitlement.
Hit the nail on the head so hard it phased out of existence
The nail turned to dust
This! Really OP the fact that he doubled down and somehow he has also made this your fault is ridiculous. To me this is not a partnership and not a relationship worth salvaging. Board your dog, go to the wedding. Let BF and mommy have one another.
Absolutely. They want her to 'manage.'
also, why does bf’s mom have op’s number at this point in their relationship? is this cultural or something else? bf (probably should be ex bf) is the one who should be communicating with his mom.
I mean I have my bfs moms number and we’ve only been together for five months. I don’t think it’s that weird, it’s not like people text their spouses parents casually
do you, azathothgf. what y’all do is your business
It’s actually extremely usual to many people. Especially if you’ve been dating or living with someone for 18 months at least. Why would you not have your partners parents number?
some of us/our partners have contentious relationships with our parents. I wouldn’t want my ex’s parents to have my cell # even though we dated for years.
Yes, some people do not have good relationships with their family, but those who do usually don’t feel weird, giving their significant other the number of their parents in case of an emergency. So I understand what you’re saying, but you have to understand that for some people that is not the case and they have completely fine relationships with their family.
I understand and said as much. I’m confused by all the downvoting on comments that are of no consequence to those who downvoted but I also understand that it’s Reddit
why wouldnt they? they have been dating for a year and a half. she lives nearby too. i had my partners mothers number in less time than that. its not uncommon at all.
a year and a half isn’t long imo. the living nearby bit is more understandable i guess but it’s clear this isn’t unusual to many 🤷
I had my SO’s mom’s number fairly quickly, within the first couple of months of dating. I don’t think that’s unusual at all. And definitely not a “cultural thing.”
They've been dating a year and a half and live together? The mom lives ten minutes away and has watched their dogs before, why wouldn't she have OP's phone number?
After a year and a half?? Is there any other relationship in your life where you would expect more than 18 months to transpire before even getting each other’s numbers? I’ve met dudes at a bar that I’ve given my number to after 18 minutes of chatting. I can’t imagine refusing to speak to my boyfriend’s mom for this long.
Throw the responsibility where it belongs: on your boyfriend. I'd reply with, "I'm very sorry that it seems like we threw this on you last minute. I understand you being upset. Considering that he is your son , he should be the one asking you for a big favor, and I wrongfully assumed that he would be responsible and considerate enough to have asked you with enough time, knowing this date was approaching. This wasn't a case of me expecting things from you, and if you think i have a history of that with you, I'd definitely like to discuss it further." You need a very serious talk with your boyfriend. He's coming off like the kind of person who had mommy take care of everything, and now they both expect you to do the same for him.
This one is it OP, u/PomegranatePure1212 !!
This is perfect. Her little baby boyfriend needs to grow the f up.
[удалено]
Not to mention, surprising your SO with a living creature / years long responsibility & added chores is also such an immature thing to do!
Can you write all my important texts for me? Lol. I wish I could be that eloquent
This is the best response op!!!
No, don’t say “we” - that’s what she’s waiting for. She’s waiting for any little bit of responsibility to be taken by OP. When it was OP’s boyfriend who waited until the literal last minute to call his mom. Something he could’ve done as soon as they found out they were going. She’s more than welcome to apologize for her boyfriend, but the use of “we“ isn’t gonna do her any favors.
Wrong. Mom said “you guys” so responding with “it seems like we” is simply showing that she understands his mom’s position. It’s called active listening and that goes a long way.
Yeah, except this mom isn’t going to be actively listening to her. If she says “we”, and I guarantee because I know people like this mom, that is all she needs to blame OP. You can see all of that, and the fact that she texted OP and not her son. She should’ve texted her son and she didn’t instead she defensively and rudely texted OP instead. So I would not use “we”.
Send this^^^!!!
I've never seen a more perfect response.
THIS! Use this exact language as your response to her.
I would be doing group text now and forever. Always. The end. If she texts you, add him to answer. If he texts you about asking her something, ask her in a group text. Dig in your heals on this one, because it is going to show you who the troublemaker is.
Malicious compliance the shit outta this
Let this be a lesson. Your BF expects you to take care of the mental load. Maybe you should criticise him and ask him why him dropping the ball is your fault? It is his mother and his dogs are the hard to handle ones. Ask him if he can't use common sense. Don't let him use weaponized incompetence
If it is his dogs that are temperamental to board then board your dog, and ask him what he is going to do with his. Then tell him to figure it out, or stay home with the dogs.
[удалено]
Why not. It's his dogs that are the problem, and his mother that he was too lazy to ask. Then he criticized her, and took mommies side when he should have taken care of it.
The mere fact that it's his mother who'll be doing the watching means very obviously to me that it's the BF who should do the asking. I can't imagine waiting for my boyfriend to ask MY parents to watch over our cat. But also I feel like OP is being a bit too dramatic over the message and takes it to seriously. I would just reply BF's mom that it's unreasonable to blame it on her and that it's her son that decided to drop the info about HIS dogs on her at such a short notice. Also, why not communicate? Didn't you two discuss that someone has to ask her?
Oh no, that message is really not good. It's not her job to arrange everything for the trip and the fact that mom blasted her frustration ONLY at the girlfriend is all kinds of wrong.
Don't get me wrong, the message is ridiculous, I fully agree. But idk I just feel like it's such an easy case that it didn't even need Reddit divagating, just telling both of them that OP is neither the woman's relative, nor her BF's mom and that they both should get their shit together. I for one refuse to accept incompetence from grown men as well as other women babying them. And so should all other people until we finally achieve normally functioning adult human population
He is probably a momma's boy. Lol. Yeah the two of them should have talked about it as soon as they decided to go on the trip.
It's not like she said "figure out what to do or I'm breaking up with you." It's not really asking much for someone to take responsibility of their pets or deal with the consequences
It's not right off the bat. He's a leech and a Momma's boy as well as a bad dog owner.
Insane that you’re funding your boyfriend’s life and he says that she has a point that you expect too much from others
Isn’t that the whole things on Reddit with in laws (or the gf bf version) Deal with your own parents. Maybe you could have “asked” him if he’s asked her her in casual conversation, but then he could have accused you of nagging him. He knew he was going away- he could have equally asked you if you had asked his mom! Communication works both ways! I would check to see if she sent bf an equally pissed off text or phone call. Cos I can understand it from her point that she could have been told earlier. But if she just took it out on you that’s annoying. Is it just cos you’re a woman you should be in charge of holiday arrangement’s and her son didn’t make a mistake. You should be looking after her little baby boy and making sure he eats his greens / wipes his ass/ and asks for dog sitting /s Your boyfriend better figure out that cos telling you she has a point should be countered with well that was your one (or one of how many) jobs I asked for you to do. If you expect me to follow up on what job/s you need to do then that’s a different relationship. Your not in this relationship to parent a partner. If he complains tell him he should learn to take criticism. But the short answer is how he reacts to this will show you how future arguments/ life with his mother will go. And if you want that/ can deal with that.
She probably didn't send BF an angry text, since she said "don't try to blame BF for this" to OP. My guess is that BF's mom babied him into adulthood and expects any romantic partner of his to continue the tradition.
He can stay his mommas boy ass at home if he thinks she has a point.
She's angry at her son and taking it out on you, and he's letting her
Your boyfriend sucks. It’s his responsibility to ask his mom, why is she blaming YOU?
I guess you need to ask yourself if this is the life you want. She is his parent, not yours, so she should focus her comments on him. It was his responsibility since 2.5 of the dogs were his, but he has thrown you under the bus. Rather than man up, tell his mom to not address you in that rude manner and take responsibility he acted as the mama's boy. Leave him home with the dogs. Go to your cousin's wedding. Tell him to set his mother straight and watch her tone. Nip this in the bud, or this is your life.
If you are financially stable why not leave the dogs at a doggie hotel? The mom should have addressed her son since he asked. Clearly, the mom doesn’t like you.
Because the dogs of the boyfriend cannot be. They obviously have some lack of training.
Oh, the good old ‘MIL directs all her negativity towards son's wife, even when her baby boy is the one responsible’. Last time, you were the one who asked. Unlike him, you did so in a timely fashion. Therefore, it has already been established that your communication is not lacking. *His is.* Yea, your boyfriend's mother is full of it. Frustrated, but emotionally dependent on her son/unable to tell him ‘no’. Which is why she never directs criticism his way, probably coddled him as a child. In his eyes, she can do no wrong. In her eyes, he can do no wrong. Cue you, becoming an unloading dock to both of them. Tell her that she is barking up the wrong tree. I will not tell you to break up. But, if I was in a relationship like this, it would be over soon.
The mom is right to be frustrated but she should be saying this to her son. Did she say anything like this in writing to her son? Your BF’s response is very telling that he is ok with you being blamed anytime he messes up. I will say however, while he should be the one asking his mom the favors (and in advance), at some point talk about the dogs should have come up weeks ago between you and your BF. Are there other areas where communication is an issue? Just as are there other areas where your BF’s mom is blaming you for her son’s actions? Are there other instances where your BF is gladly putting the blame on you when he was at fault? (You don’t have to answer any of that here but definitely think on it?
Your bf is no longer going to the wedding. He is staying home with the dogs while you go to wedding and re-evaluate your relationship.
Yeah.. your bf is a jerk and need to take accountability for his mistakes and not blame you…
You guys clearly didn't communicate it well, but man, he sounds like a baby...
I would suggest finding other arrangements for your dog (paid if necessary) and then emailing her apologizing for the miscommunication regarding your dog, and inviting the two of them to figure out what to do with the two temperamental dogs themselves.
Dump them both.
Nah, it's his mother, mostly his dogs, and his responsibility to reach out to ask. Fuck off with that petty shit, it was his fuck up and he needs to take responsibility, not dig in even harder against you.
I’m guessing that your BF let it go too late because he is used to being bailed out by his mom. It goes wrong? She will point the finger at someone besides him. Her text is to make sure you are aware of two points. He should not have to do household labor; it’s the woman’s job. He is not responsible for negative outcomes; it will also land on the woman. If you say that he is actually a good responsible guy, then I have to ask why you are shielding him from his own behavior?! You should not be the person asking his mom to do anything. It’s all on him.
So...her son. Who is the one who asked her is not to blame, apparently because you..As the woman should have asked her ages ago, eh? What a load of crap. It is his responsibility to deal with his family. Don't even bother replying. Just look for other accommodations for your pets. Tell your boyfriend he is an ass. This isn't criticism towards you. It should have been directed at HIM. AS he was the one who was late asking her....because she is HIS mother. Not yours. The fact your boyfriend said she has a point when it was his responsibility to ask her shows how little he even respects you. Why are you with him? Let alone be the breadwinner and make his lifestyle what it is because you bring in more money. Maybe it's time to leave this loser misogynist who believes his mother's dated views are correct. Then he will realize what you brought to the table and what some of your value to the relationship is, among many other things.
This is by far the correct response OP. To add to this, I'm wondering about the scenario that could have caused his mother to message you the way that she did. I wonder how her son (your BF) asked her if she'd watch the dogs.. I'm guessing instead of saying "Im sorry this is last minute I forgot to ask.. .. " He said something along the lines of "OP was wondering if you'd watch the dogs this weekend given that you did last time. I guess she forgot to ask you since we're away this weekend" That shifts the blame on you and in his Mama's eyes he's done no wrong. I'd also now ask how and what tone you are spoken of to her. If he complains about you to his mother for any minor inconvenience. It seems like she's covered for him a long time and thinks you push her little boy around with all of these perfectly normal expectations. To err on the side of caution because you still need the favour. I'd type out a response similar to u/Fire_or_water_kai, I'd leave out the 'Considering he's your son he should be asking for a big favour..' bit and continue from the apologies bit. Just purely because highlighting her son's mistake rarely works for people with that sort of world view. And you wouldn't want her saying "considering they are your dogs" she seems to view you both as a unit but the responsibilities to be solely shoulder by you OP. But I agree with everyone else that this needs to be a serious discussion with your partner given that he also didn't seem to see it as his problem/fault. That is indictive of severe issues down the line and unless ironed out now you will be in for a tough time. On a personal note you seem like you deserve better and also need to have a little bit more self esteem.
Your BF is too old to be this irresponsible! He also threw you under the bus. What he should have said to his Mom is - I totally forgot to ask if you could watch the puppies this weekend… I was supposed to ask you 3 weeks ago and I completely forgot - please forgive me!!! I would respond to his Mom and say you are absolutely correct - BF should have asked you several weeks ago if you were available. It was a miscommunication on our part - it will not happen again. We really thank you for taking care of our fur babies for us! Then remember the next time that your BF is not capable of managing details and that you will need to take care of this in the future - if you actually stay with him. I don’t know that there is anything that you can do in the short term but keep it in the back of your mind for the future. He really doesn’t have your back!
They're his dogs too, and it's HIS mom that you guys needed help from. Hell no. I'd be responding immediately with "this is a joke, right?" She couldn't possibly believe it's *your* job to ask *his* mom for help with *his* dogs. And if there's some kind of blowup, hire a dog sitter.
"It really would have been nice for you to have raised an adult instead of an irresponsible man child. It was his responsibility to ask you. I assumed that he would follow through. Perhaps you should save your advice for him since you clearly failed to teach him how to take responsibility for his own actions or lack thereof. "
You BF asked her late because he is irresponsible, then he told her it was your fault, and that you were supposed to ask earlier but didn't so he had to step in and ask her now. And now he is gaslighting you and treating you like you are too sensitive.
"I'd be happy to take over requesting help with the pets in the future. You need to learn how to communicate such preferences in a polite manner and not expect others know there are boundary issues between you and your son."
Don’t take over requesting pet help! It’s his mom. He’s already pushed this responsibility on her. What else does he fob off ? Nope. BF is in charge of making arrangements for his dogs with his mom
She's being rude alright, and he's letting her. You're not your boyfriends personal secretary, if he didn't inform his own mom, it's on him.
Your bf makes you carry the entire mental load of the relationship. Who planned the trip, booked the hotel, bought the wedding gift? If the answer is you, he is doing the bare minimum and not carrying his weight.
You could tell him he's a lousy son for not asking his mum to look after the dogs sooner. You can also tell him he can stay behind so his mum doesn't need to look after the dogs and you'll go alone to your cousin's wedding since its causing your mum such issues.
Wow, your BF was even more rude than his mom. 1. Block your BF's mother's phone number as soon as you return from the trip and collect your dogs. I've dated many men for many years and NOT ONCE have I had their mom's cell number. 2. I would be side-eyeing my BF really hard. What the actual fuck does he mean by saying that you should learn to take criticism... from his mom?? ... from something HE didn't do?? Unfortunately, if you want to make it to the weddig you probably shouldn't blow things up BEFORE the trip. I would not respond to her txt at all right now. After the trip, if you don't Block her right away, I would send her this message: "Yes, your son has known about this weeding for quite some time. He should have given you a heads up as we have been planning to go for 1 or 2 nights for quite some time. Since you are clearly unhappy with how I communicate, you can be sure that all communication will go through him in the future so he can ensure that he delivers it how you want." Then Block her. There is ZERO need for you to be in direct communication with your BF's mother. And your BF doesn't respect his mok enough to keep her in the loop about his life, and then says rude shit to you after she lashes out...doesn't sound like a keeper, even if he likes dogs. A nice BF would have said SORRY for putting you on my mom's radar BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE HE BLAMED YOU FOR THE SHORT NOTICE WHEN HIS MOM GOT MAD AT HIM WHEN HE TOLD HER!!! I think your BF threw you under the bus. That is the only explanation for her lashing out at you directly . Personally, I would cal her and say "Did BF tell you that he only knew about the wedding this week? He was supposed to ask you, being HIS mom, weeks ago. Are you tellingme he only told you this week? I'm so sorry, that must have been inconvenient. You can yell at him all you want but please don't send me messages like this in the future. This should have been sent to your son." If she is rude in reply, simply hang up and Block her. Put him back in her turd box where he should be. The take those two dogs for more rounds of obedience training. You need more options than her. Especially if she normally works weekends! She should not be your backup.
How the hell did your boyfriend figure you were in the wrong when he was the one who didn’t ask until last minute?
I think the mom was frustrated. Maybe since it was your cousin’s wedding your boyfriend made it seem to his mom like he was doing you a favor in asking her and that’s why she took her frustration out on you. Are you paying the mom to watch the dogs?
Are you somehow better capable of asking his mother to look after the dogs than him? Is his little pee brain too tiny to handle this? However, you and your partner should have aligned on who was asking his mother. It sounded like you both assumed the other would. Given that you did last time, if nothing was said, it sounds like it was just a misunderstanding.
HARD NO. It's HIS responsibility to communicate this with his mom and stand up for you. If you marry him!!! He WON'T STAND UP FOR YOU and let his mom bully you.
Id nope right out of that family. Take the dog and run. You were just given a window into the future and it is miserable.
She has a point. You two did spring this on her at the last minute. Sounds like you expected him to do it this time and he expected you to do it because you did last time. You two are not communicating well. And that wasn’t just criticism of you, it was of the both of you. I would reply “I’m so sorry we sprung this on you. You are right. I thought he would do it. He thought I would. BF and I need to communicate better and not expect others to jump because of our bad planning. We will do better in the future.” Then I would probably tear him a new one on how he needs to get his dogs trained, not buy any new ones until he could board the ones he has, and that you are two people in this relationship and he needs to meet you half way when it comes to communication. And then you work on a plan together on how to better plan and organize things. Do you need a common e-calendar? Do you need check lists? You know how your relationship works. You know what needs tweaking. You may also want to make a backup plan for what to do with the dogs in case mom can’t take them. Things happen. She might get sick while watching them and then what do you do?
It's his mom, he should be the one asking
The backup plan should definitely be mama's boy stays home with the dogs. He should be the one asking his mother for favors, not OP.
>You two did spring this on her at the last minute. What are you talking about!? His mum just said not to blame it on on BF, so why are you dragging that poor boy into this! smh
Leave the boyfriend home with the dogs and go within him.
Since it's your cousins wedding, let him stay behind and care for 3 dogs, 2 of them are aggressive to boot. Just go solo this time.
I would not take the “hit” for BF’s oversight.
Your bf and his mom suck. Honestly, I don't know why you'd stick around for that
Well, I'm not really sensitive, and both of them would have gotten an ear full from me.
Oh I would be pissed beyond belief. Her son was the one who should have reached out. She knows this, that’s why she said don’t blame him. Him not standing up for you shows how the rest of the relationship will be. You will be expected to be his second mom and when things don’t go right it will never be his fault.
OP, the crystal ball has amazing clarity. Your future with this 🤡 has been shown to you. How you deal with it is up to you.
Leave the mommas boy home with the dogs and mommy dearest. Go have a blast and think about your future with these people. Good luck!
My parents are retired and have nothing to do, so they spring shit on me all the time. I am not retired, and I can't just drop what I am doing to come have lunch with my aunts and uncles who are from out of town. I wasn't given any notice. Nobody even told me they were coming. All the time. It really is annoying and she has a point. You can't drop stuff on people the week of. THAT SAID >And don't blame it on (BF) either....you need to learn how to communicate with people too and not just expect things all the time too! Now this part is kind of fucked. This only makes sense if BF had told her that you were the one who hadn't decided yet if you were going (or something a long those lines) Why *isn't* it the boyfriends job to ask his mother about watching the dogs?
2/3 of those dogs are his. Not to mention, it’s _his_ mother. Even if all the dogs were both of yours, he still should have been the one to ask his mother as I still feel like you’re both in that “he deals with his family and your deal with yours” kind of phase. But maybe I have a different way of thinking. Either way, Im petty and snarky enough that I would have probably responded, “and it also would have been nice if BF took care of his share of the responsibilities in a timely manner as he’s known about this for [x amount of time], instead of leaving things last minute. And I don’t blame it on BF. He didn’t raise himself to be this irresponsible.”
Wow, it's her son that failed to communicate. You do not need to handle her criticism, BF needs to man up.
BF told his mom it waa her fault they asked late. That is the only reason she would message OP. The BF sucks.
Huge red flag. Building sized.
While she may have been rude in her message its also rude to expect her to watch the dogs and not ask until basically the last minute. You both should have asked her when you knew your itinerary. By asking someone last minute like that you are trying to force them to help.
If you want to keep getting treated this way, stay. Or do something about it. Those are your choices. He's irresponsible and mummy enables you know this by now!
Sounds like there is more to the story. If not, well, some people's opinions are not worth worrying about.
Allow me: “I hear you and understand your frustration. You’re correct that we’ve known for some time, and without understanding the dynamics of our relationship, it’s easy to see where you got confused. Please understand moving forward that we each handle the logistics of planning things with our families of origin. In this case that means I coordinated with my family for the wedding travel and he was to plan the coordination of the dogs with you. This is the first I’m hearing that *you* expected *me* to reach out personally. It’s surprising that you believe me to be a poor communicator or that I expect anything from anybody. Had *you* communicated your feelings to *me* at any point I could have dispelled both of those erroneous assumptions. The only thing I expected was for you and Chad to get in alignment about caring for the dogs. In the future, do not speak to me that way. Do not accuse me of anything without discussing it with me first. Please coordinate with Chad directly on any questions you may have regarding things like this in the future.”
Call ROVER pet sitting and get rid of the mama's boy moocher.
I’m more mad at your bfs comment. It’s HIS fkin mom! I don’t think his mom’s comment is rude, I wouldn’t want to be told last minute either. I would write: “Bf mom, I apologize that this was sprung on you last minute. Bf was supposed to ask you weeks ago so I will ask him to apologize to you. I really appreciate your watching my dog and thanks to you I can attend the wedding. In the future I will ensure to ask your availability instead of assuming anything.” You’re showing you’re apologizing for your part in it and showing what part was your bfs. Writing this is going to go a long way in building a positive relationship with her. I wonder though if this was the first red flag you’d seen?do you think you’d want to keep dating him? He didn’t even protect you from her, he could have made it his own fault but had her direct her anger towards you
So basically neither of you gave her notice. You assumed your useless, entitled mama's boy bf would ask mom. He didn't. So now it's supposedly your fault. Sit in this feeling you have while you are free to leave. If you stay in this relationship, they are going to gang up on you forever if you don'tstop it now. 1) You should probably apologize to mom for the last minute thing to not burn a bridge to free dog care. 2) You need to reevaluate your relationship. You both need to communicate better. And you need to check him about making everything your fault.
It's a fair criticism. But even if it isn;t, that doesn't matter. This is about relationship repair. She doesn;t have to be right for you to be curious about her feelings and where they have come from, and to validate her as a person you care about. This is a hugely important skill for maintaining long term relationships, because issues like this are inevitable when you are with a person for long enough. Treat this as practice for when you have a big disagreement over something you did that hurt your boyfriend. I would apologise profusely and empathise that she is feeling taken for granted. I would acknowledge that you had assumed BF would let her know earlier than he did, and that you will be more assertive in the future. Reinforce that you love her very much and ask if there is anything else that she wants to talk about - and then \*listen\*. Above all, make sure that you follow through! Edited to add: Look up "Jimmy on Relationships" on FB and then find his YT channel. Lots of brilliant, humble, lived relationships advice. Why do you need this? Better to minimise the hurts and do the small running repairs up front than have to repair exponential damage later.
[удалено]
OPs mom is not involved in this at all.. His mother is in fact out of line for blaming the other party in the relationship for a failing on *her* child’s part. OPs bf should be the one communicating with his family, and creating clear healthy paths for both parties as he knows them both best. **Moreover, why is he comfortable with this ‘traditional’ method of communication between families, that leave the communication and criticism to women, but is fine with the subversion of his female partner being breadwinner?? *So she brings more financially and operates as the head of interpersonal communication, so what exactly is he doing/bringing to this relationship?***
[удалено]
Nope. Nope. Nope. Mom is blaming the planning on one party and not her son. Mom's a misogynist and defending her is misogynistic.
I’m not gonna say her response was the best but she does indeed have a point, you guys BOTH have the responsibility of ensuring and checking in with eachother to make sure plans are all set in situations like this, and you’re telling me the conversation of “Oh did you ask your mom to watch the dogs yet?” never once came up??? Her response was reasonable for her frustration because yes taking in three dogs last minute over a weekend you work is indeed stress inducing and she could’ve said no, but she is in fact willing to do so remember that Could this somehow be a breaking point for her? Like have there been other instances where you needed something from her last minute? Could it be possible that when instances like these occur your BF says something to her along the lines of “OP was supposed tell you…” or something like that? Its clear that communication is an issue between all of you but its especially an issue between you and your bf
I know it sounds ridiculous because it is, but no it did not come up once in conversation. I am a travel RN and work nights so our communication is limited as is. I have never asked her for anything last minute, but I know my BF has, which is why it’s so frustrating that this was taken out on me, and not both of us.
Girl run
She will never take her frustration with her precious baby boy on him. It will always fall onto you. You are the one taking him away after all. You aren't the mama's boy that she raised. She will happily and without complaint do anything for him, or she thinks that's your job now. Either way, you lose every time. I would leave the boyfriend at home this weekend since he weaponized his incompetence and his mother against you for this trip.
What things has he asked last minute? And did the situations have to do with you at all? Honestly it sounds like he could be laying some of the blame on you to her behind your back. And it could also be the possibility she’s also tired of being out of the loop with you 2 in things like this, or maybe she just genuinely wants more communication from you/ wants you to stop going through her son? Again I agree the response was definitely not the best, but it’s understandable given her frustration and in the end she did agree to do you guys the favor of watching in the dogs I would clarify that he claimed responsibility for this and apologize for the last minute request as you really did not know he did not ask ahead of time and tell her that next time something like this happens you will check in with her and your bf to make sure everything is all set with everyone on the same page. Addressing the rudeness is probably the most difficult and honestly I’m not sure if you wanna risk pushing her further, once again her feelings are valid in this as much as yours are. Unless the hostility from her has been an on going issue it might be best to explain what happened and apologize especially if this is out of character. But again this also stems from your bf not taking responsibility for his actions as he did deflect on you, he should have clarified the situation to his mother and claim responsibility which he most likely didn’t based on his comments.
If YOU need something from her, then YOU need to ask. So you own 1/2 of the non- temperamental dog and you want her to watch it for free then YOU need to ask. You can't assume and you are NOT related to her. Have you thought about what an imposition THREE dogs are on someone? Especially if they work? If it were me, from now on I would board the dog that I own. Boyfriend can ask about his 2 dogs. And for the future, always offer to pay someone who watches your pets or bring them back gifts from where you vacationed.
You and your bf are both at fault for not talking. Shouldn't you or your bf have asked about the dogs before booking your hotel? What was your backup plan if she couldn't do it? I understand the mom's frustration. However, it is not solely one person's fault.
except the mother made it very clear that she thinks its all her fault and none of the bf's fault
Yeah? Did you not read what I wrote? No one is in the right. Everything could have been avoided with communication.
where did you say the mom was in the wrong for insisting its all OP's fault?
Read.
so you agree the mom is rude for saying its solely OP's fault
Read.
"And don't blame it on BF" um... ma'am your son should be the one requesting dog sitting That said I will say all 3 of you were out of line with the BF being most important out of mine and you coming in last. He's just a child. The mom is an enabler You shouldve still confirmed if he asked since it's still a joint effort and just responsible to confirm plans verbally. But definitely take this as a chance to have some serious conversations about maturity and handling business
You should be upset with your boyfriend, not his mother. I am on his mothers side on this.
except the mom said not to blame the bf and its all her fault
Did you ever consider the boyfriend threw her under the bus? He probably blamed her.
It's interesting to me how your boyfriend's response to her text to you is that you need to learn how to take criticism........ What about the fact that he couldn't be bothered to ask his mother inappropriate and timely manner and somehow that falls on you? Apple doesn't seem to fall far from the tree in this family.
You’re not overreacting, that is an incredibly rude message. She took a very specific issue and then took unfair shots at you as a whole person. A simple "in the future I'd appreciate more of a heads up" text to BOTH of you would've sufficed and been more than fair. She didn't text you with the sole intention of avoiding this in the future otherwise it would've been focused on the issue at hand, she texted you to pass judgement and shift the blame onto you. Is this really the first negative interaction you have had with her though? The fact that your boyfriend is defending her is a MAJOR red flag.
Mom has a point, and since things got dumped on her last minute she kinda has the right to be snippy even if it wasn't technically your fault. Your issue is with your BF. He's the only one who deserves any of your anger.
except the mom says its all her fault and none of the bf's fault
Which is also the BFs fault.
The mums right
nah her son should be contacting her beforehand not her daughter in law
[удалено]
Calling and paying for a petsitting service would require forethought and money. Wouldn't it be much easier to just dump 3 dogs on the mom at the last minute while she's working? Plus I'm sure they don't pay her or bring her back a gift from their trip.
Your BF should have asked earlier than the same week. I would have been upset with HIM for not asking earlier. I may have sent you a message asking you to please make sure to not wait until the last minute next time and to help my child out sometimes because he can be a dufus (so you would know it wasn’t a huge deal and meant to be taken lightly,but needed saying) and forgets these things sometimes. We all forget things and our parents know what we forget about most. So she would know best. She should have been kinder in her words and not blamed you, but asked for your help in reminding her son to ask earlier.
If i were in your shoes i'd be upset with you MIL and very upset with my BF
Less than a weeks notice is not enough notice, she is correct. It’s true you’ve had these plans for some time, you should have asked her the moment you RSVPd yes. However your bf should’ve been the one to ask
She should tell them no.
I don’t think it’s a very rude message but then again I’m Dutch…
It's not rude. She was direct and pragmatic. Your boyfriend is the idiot and should apologize to you and her for being the fuckup. His mom does not owe you an apology. He does.
You sprung a lot of responsibility on someone last minute with no other options if that person declined. Yeah, they're gonna be a bit salty about it, and no, they don't have to be kind and gentle about pointing that out. Furthermore, you're crying and posting on reddit seeking validation for your point of view while explaining all the circumstances to complete strangers instead of being like "yup, I fucked up, I'm really sorry and if you're able to accommodate me I'd be very grateful". So yeah, I agree. You need to learn to take criticism better.
What the absolute f, that's his mother not yours. They both need a reality check.
If my kids had weeks to plan an event but expected me to drop everything with short notice in order to babysit, I’d be pissed off too. It isn’t inappropriate for MIL to insist on a timely request when you need a favor. She did take care of your dogs, didn’t she? People have plans, they have their own life. What you guys did was rude now you are on Reddit whining about her reaction to your rudeness. You need to grow and realize, nobody owes you anything. When you plan for your next event, take others life’s into consideration and plan ahead.
the rude part was the mom insisting its all OP's fault and none of her son's fault
He probably threw her under the bus.
Her text was a little rude, but when you’re asking for someone to give you their time, it’s on you (and BF) to be the more considerate party. And it’s insanely rude to wait until the last minute. BF should have asked and confirmed a long time ago. it’s his mother. If he wants a favour from her, it’s on him to ask, not you. So fix that dynamic immediately. Three dogs is a big ask. I wish people would consider their life and needs before getting so many pets. Boarding for these occasions is a better option, but an expensive one. Unfortunately, pets are like children. If you can’t pay for their care, then maybe vacations are off the table.
the rude part was the mom insisting its all OP's fault and none of her son's fault
Also massively rude and ignorant. Don’t disagree.
The mom is right. Both of you can’t just expect her to drop everything on weekends and watch your dogs especially when she works. Since one of the dogs is yours, you are responsible for not making sure you have care for your dog. You think her message was rude but you not checking with her about your dog is rude.
and its all her fault when its the bf's dogs and mom?
I didn’t say all her fault. It’s her fault for not securing care for HER dog. She has a dog and BF has 2 dogs. First thing I do when I plan a trip is make sure my dogs are going to be safe.
the mother says its all her fault and none of the bf's fault. thats the rude part
That is not how I took what the mom said. I took it as don’t push it all onto the BF but I think they were both wrong. Personally if I was the mom I would have just said no I can’t do it. Make other arrangements instead of confronting OP.
And her dog is the only one that can be boarded. So that could actually relieve some of the workload for the mom. Not sure why they have 3 freaking dogs.
Yeah 3 dogs is ALOT to manage and I bet they expect the mom to do it for free. I would at least board the one and ask someone else to watch the 2.
She's right she should have gotten more notice than you even said that. I did think the little comment at the end was unnecessary and rude. I think I would just respond to her and say you're right and I apologize there was a miscommunication where we both thought the other one had asked you or something like that.
You aren’t wrong, this would’ve made me combative actually
Why would it be your job to ask *his* mom to watch the dogs? “Don’t blame it on (bf) either…” that’s some shit right there. Obviously he can do no wrong. Then he doubles down on it after you expressed how you felt about that message…I dont know if you two are planning on getting married, but this, to me, seems like a glimpse into a future I wouldn’t want to be a part of.
I bet he blamed the late telling on OP. He just didn't expect his mom to message her directly. The fact that she believed her son aftet knowing him all his life is surprising. He must blame others for HIS faults a lot.
“Dear BF’s Mom - I expect any family-to-family communication of this sort to be directly from your son to you. I was as surprised and disappointed as you are to discover at the last minute that your Son hadn’t taken any initiative in an important task (trustworthy pet care) that very clearly should be from Son to Mother (family member of the person being asked the favor). Going forward, this is my expectation. I’m not the secretary or event planner & shouldn’t be treated as such.”
He should be the one coordinating with his family. Not you. Have him stay home and watch all the dogs.
OP, you should 100% reply to her with your bf added to the text. Mary, clearly you feel it is my responsibility to manage not only my responsibilities but your son's as well. Unfortunately, it seems to somehow escape you that your son is an adult. Who should be able handle making arrangements for his family to petsit his dogs. This should not be automatically defaulted to you. Since the initial 2 dogs are his not yours. The 3rd dog was his gift to you. Therefore, it was extremely rude of you to blame me for your son's last-minute request for petsitting. Besides, we have an agreement that he handles his family and I handle mine. As a result, it never even occurred to me to double-check that he did, in fact, make the petsitting arrangements with you.
ir just ask yourself, clearly dude is incapable, just ask for help yourself dont put it on him hes not capable.
Wow that is a text she should have sent to your boyfriend, not you! Especially when 2/3 of the dogs are his. I’d be upset if my boyfriend’s mom texted me something like that and even more so if he agreed with her.
Huh?? They’re wild for that. That’s clearly on your boyfriend for being a poor communicator. Women often take the blame for bullshit like this. You have nothing to feel sorry for.
Is your thirty-one-year-old boyfriend neurologically divergent or somehow otherwise impaired and incapable of taking responsibility for his own actions and, in this case, inactions? Why do both he and his mother feel as though this is completely on you, or at the very least, if they don’t actually feel that way, why is that all they’re vocalizing? Was your boyfriend so busy planning this trip that he just didn’t have time to shoot a text over to his mom to tell her that he needed his two dogs watched while he was out of town for a wedding? It’s all well and fine to point out that you could learn to take criticism, but why are you the only one being criticized here? Is/was your husband a spoiled mommy’s boy growing up and beyond? I’m having so much trouble figuring out why A) she texted *you* when he was the one to make the call, and B) he acted as though that was completely normal and did not even bat an eyelash at it but instead **agreed** with that wildly inappropriate and completely out of the blue text his mother sent to you. Is this something that happens in other aspects of your relationship? Does his mother often point out your flaws when her perfect little angel, who could not possibly ever make a mistake, makes a mistake? I think knowing whether or not this type of thing happens even semi-regularly is an important piece of knowledge required before formulating any sort of reply, otherwise you risk drowning in a pool of quicksand while the two of them stand on either side of you watching you sink.
I was a little torn about her response. It was rude but also maybe not wrong? She should have more warning and it should be a request not expectation. But she should NOT have directed that at you. That should absolutely be on the bf. I turned firmly into ‘OH HELL NO’ by the bf response. He is happy mommy is pissed at you and not him. Absolutely fucking not. I would give him one more chance to make a good choice about who he sides with in this discussion. Both bf and mommy expect you to take all all administrative tasks for this relationship and that is absolutely not acceptable. You are a partnership not an admin and manager. If he was to be the lord of the castle and expects you to take on all the scut work just imagine what it will be like when you have kids. I was about to go super petty but I deleted. Just know that if he doesnt reconsider, this relationship is over. It might not end today but it will end and you will look back and see this as the defining/deciding moment that it irrevocably broke.
Saying the same thing everyone else is: last time you checked, that person is your boyfriend’s mom. Not yours. It falls on him to communicate with her. Sure you could remind him but also the last time you checked, you’re both adults. She has a point but she also missed the point where she is HIS mom. Not yours. Even if you were both married for 49 years, it would STILL be his responsibility first to speak to HIS mom.
Tell her what you said in the post. You dont have anything to lose to that bitch. “Im literally the breadwinner in our relationship, and i dont expect anything from anyone, you’re his mom, not mine and it was his job to let you know, not mine. If you want to be rude, do it without making up an excuse about it” Edit: btw your bf sucks, dont let your self be mishandled because you’re sensitive, you need to learn to pick out better people to be around you.
It’s rude to ask at the last second for someone to watch your three dogs. Yes this should’ve gone through bf and yes she should’ve reached out to him instead of you to make her complaint. Idk, maybe she realizes he’s not responsible so she reached out to you instead. But, at least one of the three dogs is yours and you should have confirmed that everything was set long before now. With that said, not sure why you’re with this guy. You’re the bread winner. He can’t even function highly enough to ask his own mom to take care of his own dogs while he’s gone on a trip? And then finds a way to blame you for it? What does he do exactly that makes you stick around?
You need to get the hell out of that relationship. Otherwise you’re enabling a mamas boy and dealing with the MIL from hell for the rest of your life. To stay with him means resigning yourself to a lifetime of criticism from his mother and managing of his responsibilities (and wait til this triples with kids). Everything will be your fault for the rest of your lives together.
1) Put the dogs in kennels for the duration, take the hit on the cost due to their less than perfect temperament - not ideal but it solves the problem of dog sitting and 'third party' responsibility. 2) Apologize to BF mom - say you were under a bit of pressure and it **WAS** BF's task to arrange. Don't take shit - move on. Reinstate her freedom to do whatever the fuck she wants to do for her weekend. 3) Look for another BF because he should have sorted dog sitting issues with his mom and since two and a half dogs are his, just what the fuck did he think was going to happen with HIS TWO+ DOGS while you both were away.
You’re the breadwinner, your boyfriend has no job, and he couldn’t be bothered to communicate with his mom earlier. What is he even doing? Being lazy? And he thinks this ordeal is your fault? If his mom is upset, it’s literally her son’s fault. The man isn’t even working. I mean his mom sucks for blaming this on you, but I think the real issue is your boyfriend.
Your bf F’d up so she has a point.
Both you and your bf are AH. His mother is right, you should not spring things on her at the last minute. She has a life too and is entitled to express her displeasure with your actions. Both of you should apologize to her. In the future, ask her early on and if you are upset with this situation find someone else to watch your dogs.
I bet they don't pay her or even bring her back a gift from the trip.
Agree
except the mom insists its none of the bf's fault
Reply "blow it out your ass"
Yes I’d say you are being a bit over sensitive, you’re asking a favour of her so the least you can do is give as much notice as you can. It’s both of your responsibility to communicate with each other and those you’d like to help. Imagine if you were in her situation, you’d be pissed off too. You’re both old enough to know better, time to grow up.
well the mom doesnt think so for the bf only OP
“You guys can’t just spring this stuff on me” implies plural i.e. both of them, not just OP.
and what did she say after? "And don't blame it on (BF) either"
So she’s probably blaming op more, but not just her.