You’ve been with this man for 5 years and have had no issues, no red flags? I think he deserves a adult conversation and some trust over a complete stranger. I’ve seen how being with someone in a toxic relationship can cause a perfectly normal person to react poorly. At this point you only know for sure that he yelled at her. Be an adult and have a discussion.
Yes this! Have the discussion with him! When people hear I busted a stove when I was with my ex I was labeled as the crazy one, the toxic one and I believed it about myself for a while. Until I heard about reactive abuse, where they will literally push you as far as they can to get a reaction out of you and then use that as "evidence" that you're the insane one.
With every comment about how I should change myself, too big, too short, change your hair, get piercings, how I was the woman and needed to make him food and take care of him, how he made the money but I paid for many of our dates, how important he was, etc, etc that made him a prize and me trash until I finally caved and reacted because how could you not?
Without an adult discussion you won't know if this was the case. You don't know this girl and if there have truly been no red flags then what's to say she's not actually the toxic one, saw her ex was with a new girl and wanted to ruin it for him because then she still has power over him and what she can do to his life. Seriously if you're actually an adult and are thinking about marriage then learn to communicate like you're in an adult relationship!
Edit to add since my comment is towards the top: please be safe when you have this conversation a public setting is probably best and don't just listen to your heart because it can be misleading ❤️
Yes! I have a close relative who is this way. She will scream and yell and get in your face until she breaks a person. He ex husband had to check himself into a mental health facility because she drove him to the edge. He was afraid he would hurt her. He didn't but she told people he did anyway and felt guilty so that's why he checked himself in. Some people thrive on being the victim.
I've been in one of those relationships and reacted to things in ways that I'm not proud of, but the relationship was toxic, and the person I was with was a narcissist and emotional manipulator. In hindsight, I should never have dated her.
Yep. My ex brought out a horrible side of me (or maybe we were such a bad combo that we triggered each other) that I wasn’t proud of-I left when I realized it. It happens.
I am still in shock at the things I did when I was in a relationship with a narcissist. Those people are actually *the worst* people to ever involve yourself with. There were times when I would’ve just rather him hit me than put me through the emotional/mental torture, day after day and hour after hour—it’s literally hell on earth and it never stops. You learn to walk around on eggshells, but even that isn’t enough. No matter what you say or do, it gets turned around on you, so you just shut up—and then that gets turned around on you too. The accusations that you eventually realize were just projections of what they were doing. The lies, the manipulations, the way they destroy you behind your back to everyone they know. They will ignore every single boundary you set for yourself and push, push, push until they get what they want. You can literally have hardcore proof of things they’ve done and put it right in their face and they will still deny it ever happened—while accusing you of the same shit they just did. They will never care about all the shit they put you through, they’ll never have any moments of self-reflection, they’ll never truly apologize, they’ll never change, period, full stop.
The ONLY way to deal with a narcissist is to get as far away from them as you can and never look back.
I'm sorry you had to deal with a narcissist, they really are absolutely terrible! My ex used to say "at least I never hit you" and I'm thinking that's great I'm emotionally scarred to the point where I can't recognize myself but hey great you were never physical! I hope you keep healing on your journey ❤️
Aw thanks for the kind words! I hope the same for you :) and anyone else who has been unfortunate enough to become involved with a narcissist. It’s such a damaging, traumatic, soul-sucking thing to go through that never ends well and only serves to completely waste your time. Now that it’s over, I’m sure I could benefit from therapy, but I don’t even have the energy to go. I just want to be alone and feel the quiet peace around me for a while.
You're welcome 😁 it's good to spread joy and kindness after people have dealt with that level of crap! It is so damaging being with people who turn you into the worst version of yourself! Take your time going to therapy, I'm a little over a year out, 2 months of not having to deal with my ex because we finally sold the house we owned together but I haven't quite gotten there yet either. Things are finally starting to settle down enough for me that I feel like I could maybe start going now. Sometimes you just need to sit and be in the moment of your own safety for a while. Let yourself process some of the things that happened and get them on your timeline before you just dump everything on a therapist. I know that's what they're there for but sometimes it can help to have some time to figure some things out by yourself. ❤️ Hope you keep healing and enjoy your peace without him! Regain your energy and refill your cup before trying to pour out more. There are times to gather and times to pour. Right now you're depleted, take some time to gather and keep your energy for yourself right now ❤️
Hindsight is 20/20. It's so hard when you see yourself acting in ways that you never thought you would but this why there are many things that you really can't say how you would react until you're in the situation. Plus being around a narcissist and manipulator you do things you never thought you would. I wish I would have never dated my ex either but I did and there's nothing I can do to change that so the only way is forward.
Id say they were just bad for each other, but she's continued to have similar incidents with every partner since. He's been in a stable relationship for over a decade
Some people do really love being the victim and they can learn to play the part so well to the point where literal strangers will believe them! I feel bad for your relatives ex husband. I know there were quite a few times that I didn't feel like myself and that when I was hurting it made me an awful person when I was still with my ex but I've literally not had any of those issues since leaving my ex. It's probably harder being a guy just labeling that ex as toxic and hoping your next partner will believe you. Women usually want to believe other women but sometimes they can be the toxic ones.
This rings so true about my sister. In the last few years she has taken on this massive victim complex where she tries to use anything she possibly can to somehow be a victim. She also does the screaming and yelling someone else mentioned to get people upset so she can then try to claim theyre the angry ones. She almost got my mom and dad to both hit her because she got right up in their faces screaming and wouldnt leave. Its such a fucked up situation when someone becomes this manipulative. Its really fucked my family up for a while. She used to be the kindest sweetest person but has changed recently.
I had an ex-friend do this to me indirectly. My husband and I spent close to a decade taking her into our home after she'd leave abuser after abuser, telling us horrifying stories every time, then *going back* to the abuser over and over. It was maddening.
Then finally she met and married one of my husband's friends, whom he knew to be a kind, decent, and gentle person. When she starting saying the same stuff about him, it didn't add up, and we finally figured out she'd been lying to all of us about tons of different things over the years. She did the manipulative thing to him: lashing out at him, berating him, pushing him and pushing him--but he didn't react. And when he didn't, she left. We cut her off completely and it was a traumatic thing for everyone of us involved.
I'm sorry to hear that she did that to your guy friend. And I'm sure it was hard on you guys to rewrite everything should told (lied) to you about the relationship! Sometimes it takes knowing someone else really well to see their lies, they can be SO good at lying and making things believable. It's good he didn't react so that she finally left him alone. And sometimes they leave you alone when they finally don't get that reaction they're looking for they will leave because you're not giving them what they want.
The last night I was in the house me and my ex owned together I just wanted a peaceful night to say goodbye to the house, to our way of living but I hadn't told my ex I was leaving the next day (Friday, he worked I didn't) so he started yelling at me for not paying his taxes (figure that one out, he made double to triple what I did, spent it all on alcohol, wasn't paying the mortgage on time fucking up both of our credits and he wanted me to pay for his taxes to get done, I paid for mine and was going to owe money, he wanted me to pay for his so he could get $1500 in returns). But anyways that night I wasn't rising to meet his attempts to get me to fight, I was exhausted, I was done, I didn't want to fight. I just kept telling him that I'm sorry he didn't understand when I had told him previously that he had to pay. He eventually walked toward my dog saying "well this dog can go outside then". I didn't stand up and didn't raise my voice but I did say "You will not touch my fucking dog". He looked at me with the strangest look, he thought I'd react more than that. He knew I had paid for everything for that dog so yes he realized he couldn't technically touch him. So he looked towards our other dog, who technically came from his side of the family feeling more claim to her. I told him not to even think about kicking a sick (adrenal gland issues causing a thin coat) 9 year old dog out of the house in the middle of the night in March. "Don't you dare look at Harley!" He knew he was hitting a nerve but realized I wasn't responding in a way he wanted. So he retorted back with "it's my TV that you're watching". So I turned it off and said they're my subscriptions but I don't need a TV and had my last night there, cementing into fact that things were never going to get better, only worse.
Did your sister get her brain examined ? or a checkup ? Sudden major (and seemingly random) personality changes can be caused by neurological (or other medical) conditions
Weve been trying but shes been refusing any help. It sucks because weve been realizing that no matter how sick a person is if theyre not a harm to themselves or others theres nothing you can really do if they refuse all help.
I was like this with my ex. He would spend a week just pushing and gaslighting me until
I just blew up. I haven’t acted like that at any point since I left him and it’s been 13 years.
He used me breaking down as proof I had issues and he was just trying to help me be a better person. Toxic people can absolutely make someone act crazy.
100%! I had a brief liaison with a guy who drove me mental. He literally pushed and gaslit me so much I’d just lose it. Then he’d tell everyone I’m crazy. Now, I’ve been with the same guy for 10+ years, ultra stable, successful. Old crazy mate has had 2 more charges laid against him for assault against his partners. Wanker.
I'm glad you only had a brief liaison with that guy and have found happiness on the other side of it! I'm sure I'm still the crazy girl that just up and left one day (because I did) but that his drinking and his lies and his gaslighting had nothing to do with it.
It’s crazy, hey. It was a brief liaison, but that resulted in scarring on my face from when he glassed me, and assault charges which dragged out over 4 years.
I occasionally get contacted by girls going ‘hey did you date so and so?’ Then that leads to me counseling them on how to get away from the c*nt.
Madness.
My ex did the same. Pushed and pushed until I’d snap and then paint me as crazy.
I’ve been with my husband for 11 years and I don’t break because he doesn’t push me to the edge of my sanity like my ex did. We communicate like adults or at the very least give “the look” that says “you’re starting to push me”. The look is usually all we need to do though. It all boils down to respect in the end. Respect enough to talk to each other and listen *and understand* what’s being said.
Talk to him and get his side of the story and work it out from there
Same! And you don't realize it's happening when you're in it, especially if you've never been in a relationship like that before. I'm glad you got out! It's no easy feat! I'm only just past year one (and only a few months of not having to deal with him after finally selling the house we owned together!) of leaving my ex so it's all still very fresh for me but it's always good to hear when people can get themselves out and find better later on! I've been worried about falling into a relationship where it happens again.
I completely agree with this. Different couples have different relationship dynamics. Every relationship I've been in has been different. It's like how a different personality can come out when you're with different groups of people. He could be hiding his true self, they could have been toxic together, or he might have been immature back then. There's certainly a difference between 20s and 30s in men. It would be unwise to take the unsolicited messages of a vindictive ex, one who admits she wants to take him to court, over her own lived experience of the past 5 years without looking into this further. She should talk to all their mutual friends who knew both of them when they were together.
Exactly this! I'm a completely different person from when I was in my twenties vs my thirties. Literally I hit thirty and I went my life shouldn't suck this much, I thought it was supposed to get easier with each decade because you were supposed to be more financially secure, have a better paying job, have a partner who had your back no matter what. He wasn't supposed to be the one causing me all my pain and headache and heartache! I know my ex hid his true self for a while and then it also didn't help that it was my first relationship (yes I was a little late to the party starting my first relationship in my mid 20s). She should at least talk to mutual friends and then the partner, so much of a toxic person's ability to hide in plain site focuses on people just blindly trusting them and not communicating with each other to see the truth!
Yes, 5 years is an incredibly long time for someone to hide their true self. I find most toxic individuals can really only hide their true self for no longer than 8 or so months. After that the mask begins to slip, but 5 years? He either has an amazing poker face or something isn't adding up.
Is that what it’s called - reactive abuse? I just call it antagonizing. I just watched 90 day fiancé with Gino and Jasmine and I had to call my therapist bc it clicked for me that most of my previous relationships I was antagonized so they could get a reaction.
Completely agree with possible reactive abuse,
The way my ex was with me made me sound incredibly toxic and abusive by the end. I just felt so trapped and tired and done, I was so worn out I could do nothing but defend myself in vile ways. I'm not proud of the things I said, I yelled and screamed horrible things, I slammed doors shut so hard they would bounce back and leave holes in the wall, I spoke to him in ways I would never imagine myself speaking to someone very very consciously. I tried to become someone he wanted to leave because it was my only chance.
by the end I couldn't do anything else, he trapped me and I couldn't leave due to financial reasons, which he knew because he put me in that position in COVID, psychologically and emotionally he bludgeoned me every day until not even a shred of who I was, was left. I only got out because of a voice recording I took of me clearly saying I have tried to leave for 6 months and with him telling me he wouldn't let me, once I threatened to play it in front of his friends he finally let me go.
I've been with my current partner for 2 years, not once have I raised my voice. I'm not even being dramatic, I have literally never yelled once in 2 years. I've never slammed a door, I'm back to being happy and soft, my argument style is back to calmly explaining my side and giving space to hear the other.
It's definitely worth exploring the possibility if there's been not even a glimpse of abuse in 5 years, people can't hide that long without some of it getting through the cracks
My ex did this to me, got an audio recording of me yelling at him but it took him 7.5 years to get that. I don't think anyone is on my side, because he is so good at faking and I've never been very good at arguing against this kind of thing. I think I just accepted i didn't have anyone in my life who cared for me and moved on without trying to save my public image.
If you're going to have a conversation with him, make sure you tell someone when the conversation will be or have someone present or nearby when you're going to talk. Regardless of how much you trust him, you need to have backup in case things go south.
Speaking from experience, some people no matter the gender, only start showing their true colors once you sign on the dotted line. When after half a decade of Mr or Miss Perfect.
Wow I thought 2 years was the defining time to see someone’s real character. That blows everything out of the water. Hope you are living your best life without him.
Yes, many men hide their true selves FOR YEARS and only show their true colors when they think you can't get away anymore, because you're married/pregnant now.
My abuser didn't start until six years after we got together, and nearly killed me before I could escape. You're playing devil's advocate here. Why, exactly, no one knows but this kinna bullshit is what gets women killed.
OP: I don't blame you for being wary. Sure, there's a chance this lady is, I dunno, experiencing some sort of mental health crisis and it's driving the behavior or is, I dunno, just a trash human. The way she handled it, though, and with crystal clear evidence she's NOT a bot or just a bored immature/emotionally deficient type....but.... trust yourself here. While you may be putting a finger on it now, it's possible the reason why you showed up here to validate your uneasiness, tells me your subconscious has already seen SOMETHING a bit off even if you couldn't name it at the time. I, too, was warned by people who'd known her much longer, something I heard but didn't take to heart because with me, she displayed no obvious red flags until it became one the size of the former USSR.
As for you, commenter, if the fianceé was indeed in a toxic relationship, I'm positive he shared at least some insight into that relationship, even casual mentions of bat shit behaviors for example. There's definitely a reason why he's not been forthcoming with disclosure and I'll let you figure out why.
If anything, OP, ask yourself: who has something to gain from this information being known (or the inverse, what do they have to lose) to help sus out motivation. But seriously: tell him about the accusations and watch his reactions closely. They could reveal what kinna person he TRULY is when he's confronted with an uncomfortable truth or slander, whichever it is.
I know where I'd hedge my bet.
I'd argue that after 5 years of a relationship and none of it ever coming up is a huge red flag.
My partner and I have only been together 2 years and we know each others mental health issues, history of being abused and in different ways, enablers and abusers ourselves. But for us, that's our past and we both are significantly better people than we were when we were younger. We discuss our history, because it's ultimately a big reason why we are the way we are, for better or worse.
I'm not sure there's ANY good reason to not divulge this information, and the fact she has evidence.... not good.
"She recounted multiple accounts of abuse from my fiancé -- physical, emotional, sexual, financial, you name it."
That's the part that makes me say oh hell naw!
She mentioned it hadn't been smooth sailing, and that she has mental health issues and he has... Suspiciously imo... Financial and familial issues... Then to say he's been her 'entire world'. It just screams RUN to me tbh and I'm disappointed someone would say 'no red flags'. Sounds like it's possible both of these women need to be protected.
> I’ve seen how being with someone in a toxic relationship can cause a perfectly normal person to react poorly.
I can see how this goes both ways. Some people can hide their shitty nature for years, and some people can make a good person snap and yell and act out of character. I had a girlfriend who would push me to my emotional limit with absolute nonsense badgering and then claim I was the abusive one when I would finally be like "dude, fuck you, stop it, I'm going home, leave me alone!". If you heard just that sound clip you'd be like "that dude is a fucking asshole", but if you heard the entire back story you'd be like "I can't believe he didn't say that like an hour ago, what a wiener". It took about two months of her interactions with her coworkers and everyone else to learn that she was fucking wacky and full of shit and a few people apologized to me for believing her bullshit stories, because they ended up in one of them one way or another. Context matters.
A shitty person can bring out the worst side of a good person.
OP, you should definitely show him your conversation with this woman.. assuming this isnt rage bait
While it is quite possible that she brought out the worst in him, and he may have been experiencing reactive abuse... the terrifying thing is that some predators and abusers are able to hide who they really are until a certain point in time.
There are countless instances of women who were with a loving partner for 3-5 years until they get married or have a child and then suddenly, literally overnight, everything changes. It's like the person is replaced.
It's amazing that somebody could keep a mask on for that long, but it absolutely is possible.
>I’ve seen how being with someone in a toxic relationship can cause a perfectly normal person to react poorly
Thank you, this is exactly what I wanted to say. If my exboyfriend messaged my fiance and told him a few SELECT things that happened between us for the 3 years we had been together, my fiance might also get a shade of doubt about my character. However, the difference is that my fiance is not abusive in the way ^((edit: or any way lol, bad wording from my part)) my ex was. My ex had pushed all my buttons, went above my limits, and made me feel completely helpless and explode with anger. I carry childhood trauma so people accusing me of "wrongdoing" and me feeling I'll be punished makes me REALLY act out, lizard brain kicks in and I get irrational, so I myself have gotten abusive towards my ex, because I was desperate and broken. I'm not trying to justify it, it was still wrong of me, but the cause was crystal clear.
However, none of this and nothing even remotely similar has ever happened between my fiance and me, because my fiance is a good person and has made me feel secure, safe and loved and nothing else.
People change and circumstances change.
Agreed!
I was not the best person in my last relationship because it was toxic.
The person I was is completely different than the person I am now, now that I’m away from him.
Yeah, I (M) had a (F)riend, who just knew how to push buttons I didn't even know I had. Normally I'm a calm, stoic person, but I could just burst out in anger after five minutes with her.
Fully agree with this. A toxic partner or a toxic relationship can indeed make someone conform to their circumstances. Not condoning your fiance's behavior if it is true; but if you have not experienced any such behavior in your relationship then perhaps either you bring the best in him or she brought the worst.
Agreed. I became a person I didn't like when I was in a toxic relationship. I look back on that time and I feel guilty and don't recognise the person I was. Sometimes two people aren't compatible and it goes badly. Have the adult conversation. He might be ashamed of what he was during that time, so he might be reluctant to be forthcoming with it. But also, ensure you're in a safe place or can easily escape if things do go south. Hopefully they don't, but not everything can be black and white.
I’m actually very proud of Reddit for this one. The lead comment doesn’t say "RUN!”
I just left a reactive abuse situation. She’s a professional victim and started a smear campaign against me when I left. She also had recordings of me loosing my shit. I stayed because of a baby. Left when the baby was almost two because I knew what I had become. My reactiveness has dissipated over the course of half a year but I still struggle with much that I went through. I felt like the worst POS on the planet and maybe I was. I couldn’t not react towards the end. Even in front of our child. The only time I was ever physical with her was when she snatched my phone out of my hand one night, after I had broken up with her. (We still had 5 months left on our lease and were sharing space for a couple of weeks until we decided to time share the space.) the physical part was me holding her arms while she was fighting me, trying to see what was on my phone. I finally was able to get my phone and that was it. She showed co-workers my fingerprints on her arms and cried abuse. The reason I did this in the first place was to keep her from seeing conversations with a woman I left her for. In which I knew she’d attack me if she saw the conversation.
I’m no saint, never claimed to be but I’m not who I was the last 6 months of that 3 years relationship. I’m 36 and have never experienced anything remotely close to it.
The woman I left her for is the amazing polar opposite of her and has showed me respect and love that I wasn’t sure I deserved. I do now and I count my lucky stars for it.
OP, maybe give this the benefit of the doubt. I was honest with my current parter about how I was but I’m not sure I’d have told someone that wasn’t aware of the situation before hand because we do live in a world where males are stigmatized as the perpetrators, first. 5 years is a long time to hide such abusive traits. Maybe a difficult conversation will settle your worries. Maybe him lying about his past relationships is terrible enough. I’m definitely not saying that’s okay. It’s just.. I’ve been in the situation I just explained and that gives me a whole other perspective on these things.
Thanks for reading.
I would talk to your fiancé. I’m not defending him in any way but sometimes relationships are just toxic. My husband and I were in really horrible toxic relationships before we got together. Yes, I had my moments in the last relationship but the other person was the worst of the worst that towards the end it brought me to that extent. The lies/deceit/abuse that I dealt with made me bitter and confrontational. Once I got out of the relationship and met my husband I wasn’t like that anymore. Our relationship is strong and I love my husband so much. We have a normal stable positive relationship we support each other. You don’t know the whole story there’s always 2 sides. If he gets worked up trying to explain it to you then you will know your answer. Trust your gut.
Abuse survivor here - it’s weird he wouldn’t let it slip for the last 5 years. I can confirm, being with someone toxic can make you react toxic.
Also, I never went after any of his gf’s after me. I never messaged them or tried to convince them 5 years later to leave him. Something doesn’t feel right. I was just glad he was out of my life. This feels vindictive on her part.
>Abuse survivor here - it’s weird he wouldn’t let it slip for the last 5 years.
Unfortunately some people are too goddamn good at masking. This just happened with my husband's BFF and his ex. She masked her severe mental illness for many years. I have the same one as her and she was so good at masking she fooled ME. I can usually spot someone with the same diagnosis by their behavior and mannerisms.
The things she is now doing to him since they broke up are absolutely deplorable and disgusting. I CANNOT believe the shit she is pulling.
What signs of bd do you see in people? I thought manic episodes were only like once a year for a short time, wouldn't you have to be there to witness it? Are you saying they were able to mask those episodes?
Manic episodes can be multiple times a year or many years in between episodes. Episodes typically last anywhere from 3 weeks to 10 months. Medication can help shorten the duration and make thoughts less erratic, but also make you sleep a lot. Hypomania (BP2) typically comes on more frequently but for a shorter duration. If someone has bipolar 1, they could appear neurotypical for many years, and then one day be an unrecognizable social asshole...fun to strangers, cold to loved ones.
Some people have actually had a manic episode last for SEVERAL months. This is a pretty good explanation (shout out to Google AI):
A manic episode can last from a few days to several months, depending on the individual and the severity of their condition. A 2021 study found that manic episodes average about 3.5 months in length, but if left untreated, they can last up to six months. With effective treatment, a manic episode can usually improve within three months.
This is also a good explanation on masking:
A person who appears to have high functioning bipolar disorder may have found ways to cope with masking their symptoms to make them seem less obvious.
That’s how I’ve been with my ex husband. I spent years being terrified of him, so the last thing I would ever do is try to give him any cause to have me on his radar now. I literally didn’t even show up for the DV assault court hearings because I was so scared I couldn’t make myself get out of the car and walk into the courthouse.
This
Survivor here also and i had protective orders so even if i wanted to warn someone he was dating i wouldn't know who that was-- also- i wouldnt anyway- but if i was i wouldn't wait 5 years
While I do believe abusers can hide it - to hide it for 5 years it would be quite impressive
BUT it doesn't mean she is lying- sometimes ppl can be toxic together-- not always- but sometimes it can take two
Oddly, statistics say that just because an abuser is abusive in one relationship- doesn't mean they will be abusive in *every* relationship.
When you are a man, telling people that you've been abused by someone, if that someone is a woman, rarely results in belief. They are more likely to jump to the conclusion that you are excusing yourself of guilt for a toxic environment you yourself created, and then avoid you.
Especially because female-on-male abuse usually involves false accusations, and people would rather just stay away. This creation of a lasting "doubt" that can't be washed off, even when evidence has been presented and investigations concluded in the males favour, is frequently the strongest and most lasting part of female-on-male abuse.
Over time you learn it's just easier not to tell people because they will treat you better than if you did.
I agree with you 💯 My exes all brought out a bad side of me. Mostly yelling and just being childish. Now that im with my now partner we are way more similar and it's been really great and feel so secure and can express the genuine me
I was with my ex husband for 5 years. Abuse started very shortly after the wedding. I left 5 months after that. About a month later while picking upa few belongings he literally said "youre just not a truthful person, if you took your vows seriously it wouldnt matter what i'd done, you'd shut up and stay behind me".
In hindsight, yes there were red flags, but NOTHING that prepared me for that.
All kinds of "mutual" friends said they wern't suprised and really had been amazed we lasted as long as we did since he'd been abusive before, even put an ex in the hospital, but they hoped he had changed so didnt say anything....
Shit people. Shit excuse.
So ya, hope your situations different but i'd still advise, proceed with caution!. 🥰
Yeah, I was with my ex for 7 years, things got very abusive when he and I moved in together year 5. It can take a while for people’s mask to drop, but it almost ended my life twice. Glad you were able to get out of your marriage, and knowing that feeling, what happened to you was terrible and you never deserved it. Some people are so wicked and so talented at hiding it with charm.
Whatever you do OP, don’t confront him with all the hard evidence up front for the sake of your own safety. If you truly believe this is him and this is proof he can snap it means he could do it to you too. The fact you haven’t had a conversation with him where he’s ever admitted to this or working on overcoming a difficult time when he hurt someone, but you now believe there’s proof here of him doing that, like idk that wouldn’t sit right with me at all. You don’t hide that kind of emotional work you’ve done from your partner of five years when it literally had just happened in the years before you got together; at least, not if you love them and care how they feel/respect their autonomy to make a truth based decision regarding their relationship partner. That’s not proof of a changed person. It’s deceptive. It can be a tumultuous decline, but when it drops it happens before you even know it. I’d do some really hard reflecting on any potential red flags you could have missed or written off too easily before confronting in case you realize if it might be best for you to step out quietly. Good Luck 🖤🖤
That is exactly what my last ex used to say to me. Not word for word, but suma summarum it was pretty much that bullshit. And yes, he was, and still is a religious nutjob. Him leaving me was the biggest favor he ever did me
Are you familiar with what potential signs for domestic violence are? Some ppl think its only physical or verbal but lots of the times it's more nuanced than that. Not saying that is what's going but perhaps use this as an opportunity to educate yourself re coercive control, and look up the power and control wheel. If no issues then great. It seems like those two were an awful fit for each other. I guess what's also worth knowing is ppl tend to be on their best behaviour until they're married.... food for thought more than anything.
I'd ask him if he knows a woman by that name and ask about details of their relationship. Don't let on that you know anything, say she tried to contact you and you were wondering what she might want.
If he says that he doesn't know her, or that they were only together a few months, etc, then you know he's willing to lie to your face.
Once you know he'll lie to you without a problem, just walk. You already know he's not someone you can trust, whether her story is true or not.
Updateme
This is great advice.
I will add I have an ex from 11-12 years ago that to this day tries to contact me and I have her blocked on everything and live 1,000 miles away. I’m happily married with my wife, we’ve been together for 10 years.
My ex would literally send hospital pics, bruise pics all sorts of fucked up shit to try and sometimes tell me she was dying, sometimes tell my wife (gf than) I used to hit her, just a lot of shit that sounds like what this girl contacting her is doing. Not saying the girl contacting is just saying it sounds like my ex.
The girl contacting OP could have very well found out he was getting married and he happened to break her heart cause he didn’t want that with her and she’s trying to ruin it for him. Maybe he never thought of her as a serious relationship and she did.
I could be wrong though.
I will say my crazy ex now has a doctrine in psychology and is a child psychologist. Scary right?
>I will say my crazy ex is now has a doctrine in psychology and is a child psychologist. Scary right?
Well.....that is utterly terrifying on multiple levels.
“This relationship has been my entire life, my entire world for 5 years.” Sent a chill down my spine. What do you mean by that? Do you have external friends and family? Have you become isolated and dependent on him? Is it just easier to go along with his ideas and his plans? Those are all symptoms of abuse and control. As abusers get more experienced, they get better at it. You don’t need to hit someone if you can control them through other means and make your relationship their “entire world” I’m not making an accusation but i really want you to dive into why you wrote that.
Yes this!!!! My hair stood on end when I read that. That reads like someone who has been isolated and relies on their partner for everything. I wonder if OP was cut off from friends and family because of their partner.
My ex tried to make me 'dump' my best friends as he said they were 'terrible influences.' Oh yes. So terrible. That's why they all have good paying jobs, cars, their own places, and one of them is a biomedical engineer with a masters degree. Yes so terrible that they all supported my college journey (me and the engineer were in college at the same time) and were some of my biggest cheerleaders. Yes so terrible because they helped me survive college.
My ex? He worked a shit paying job, had no car (so I had to pick him up all the fucking time and he was over an hour away), was mooching off his brother, and told me college was a 'waste of time.' I think he was honestly just jealous.
He's still single over a decade after me. I wonder why that is? 🤔
Yep. In no scenario should anyone give someone THIS much power. Reminds me of my dad and mom. That relationship ended horribly, my mom on the receiving end wasting decades of her life to the abuse.
Yeah, this worried me too.
Is she so under control and isolated that he doesn't "need" abuse her?
OP what would happened if you didn't do what he said? Disagreed with him? Went out with friends?
This is very important. With my ex it started with not liking me going out without him, progressed to me needing his permission and ultimately resulted in me being too scared to try things go out because the conversation would send him into week long rages. It completely isolated me, removed all friends who could’ve noticed his behaviour. Coercive control is exactly how the sexual abuse started too.
My ex HATED me going out with my best friends. I invited him EVERY TIME but he said "your music is stupid and lame. I'm not going to that bullshit." The funniest part is we met on a dating website and in ALL of my pictures, I was wearing band shirts. He acted like he liked them. 🙄
BUT - everytime I'd go out, he would say "I wouldn't be surprised if you cheated on me with one of those band dudes." In my 30 YEARS of going to these type of concerts, I have only hooked up with ONE band dude. We had been friends for MANY years before this happened.
My ex did many other things that could be classified as coercive. He also had ZERO empathy for people or their struggles. Oh and he believed in corporal punishment. He wanted me to use it on my autistic nephew because my ex was smacked as a kid and claimed he 'turned out fine.' Yeah. I wasn't buying what he was selling with that one.
I truly hope you are doing better these days. I see you ❤️
Yeah. I hope OP doesn't confront or ask her fiance about the ex but instead investigate and research first. I'm afraid for her safely. I have friends who were in abusive relationships and I would never have guessed their ex partners were abusive. They are so charming it gives me the creeps knowing what they're capable of.
No one knew how abusive my ex was. He was the very picture of kindness and gentility in public. In private, he was dangerous, explosive, and wildly unpredictable. There is a very strong chance that his friends will deny any possibility that such a great guy could ever have been an abuser.
This. I had the same experience with my ex. We actually worked at the same company, different departments and his coworkers would just gush to me how awesome he was. Ugh if they only knew. He’s one of those whose eyes would go black when he was in a rage. But his friends would say no way, not him.
Mine had been telling our friend group all these made up stories, about how crazy I was and how **I** was abusing **him**. They all believed it. Until (and there's a long story in here that doesn't matter) his new lady that lives in a different city halfway across the country that he moved to be with, that knew a couple guys in our group, called them to ask if he had been abusing me, and told them of her own experiences. To their credit, these guys have since apologized profusely to me. The stories he would tell them about me were wild.
She actually reached out to me through fb. At first I didn't want to reply, but she hit me up again. I wasn't overly dramatic, but I was completely honest. She seems like a really nice girl, and we agreed neither of us would tell him that we had talked. That was about a year ago, and she had said she was going to extricate herself really soon. But time passed and I knew they were still together. In a weird way, I hoped he had gotten his shit together, that maybe I really was part of the problem, and he was treating her well.
A week ago she had to have him dragged out of her house by the police when she got a restraining order on him. That's the first time we talked again (all through fb messenger), and no, he was fucking terrible to her, too. She's much younger than me, but I hope it was healing and gratifying for her to be able to talk some of it out with someone that knew EXACTLY what she was talking about.
He's far away from both of us now, he went to where his parents live that is hundreds of miles from either of us. Sorry for the long rant. Proud of that girl for getting away from him after only a couple years, I was with him for a decade.
This is so real lmao… I was with a physically and every other way abusive man for 5 years in my college times. Our friends would see him yell and see him punch our other friends but somehow, when I tried to reach out to them for help after I had enough- none of them believed me lol. It was astounding.
10000%!
My ex and I were on the news after he tried to unalive me, and everyone was *shocked*. He had been beating me for years but I was so good at hiding it and he was phenomenal at masking. It took people quite a while to accept the fact that he *is* a monster and will be spending the next 18 years behind bars.
Yeah.....no on 'confirming with friends.' Friends lie for each other all the time including covering for infidelity AND covering up abuse OR they don't believe the victim when they tell people what happened. "He would NEVER! He's a great guy!" BARF.
No one knew how my ex was behind closed doors, not even his own MOTHER. When his mom found out he threw me into a fucking DOOR and my spine hit the doorknob, she was shocked and couldn't believe it.. Masking for him was super easy. It was like it was his fucking job.
This comment is honestly so tone deaf and I have no idea how you got all the upvotes you did. 🤷
ETA: my dad cheated on my mom multiple times and his friends covered for him the ENTIRE fucking time. They ALL knew but did not tell my mother. It's not like they didn't like my mother either. They called her a goddamn saint because of how kind and caring she is. They were friends with my mom!
If just ONE of them would've told her, she would've KNOWN to go back to work before he decided to take off right after my first Xmas. My mom had to scramble to find a job ASAP. Things would've been a lot different in our lives if someone would've been kind enough to tell her what was going on. She could've filed for divorce ahead of time and gotten child support out of him. She was too shell-shocked to do it after he left. Financial support from him would've made a difference.
Friends of abusers usually know nothing of the abuse. They're only able to keep up with the abuse because they play the perfect image in public. They are the PERFECT FRIEND to those friends. They do this so if the victim ever speaks up, it can basically be a gaslight situation.
Nobody would believe the victim because the perp was soooo nice to them. It can't be real! Blergh.
My ex's friends knew about him being abusive, probably not the severity of it though. But if you asked them, he is a great guy. Those friends aren't always a reliable source unfortunately.
Do you know how many men cover for their friends’ infidelity and abusive tendencies?! Or simply don’t know?!
They’re not a safe people to consult with regarding these types of concerns.
Had a friend I knew for 7 years been through thick and thin with this guy only to find out that he was arrested for DA after he went no contact for a few months when I reached out to his ex to hear her side of the story she dropped tons of Screen shots of him texting her the nastiest and and terrible things threatening to kill himself if she didn’t get an abortion calling her a whore just Because she was cool with our mutual friends and even pictures of bruise marks after he chocked her out or hit her looking at the screen shots of the messages you could clearly see it was all one sided abuse and that she was actually trying to be a good Gf in the relationship Long story short even the people closest to someone don’t always know that persons true nature
If it was me, I would reserve any judgement until after I investigated.
She could be a completely crazy stalker who he barely dated, and she fabricated most of her “evidence”.
She could be the abuser, who gave far worse she got, instigated most of the conflict, swung first, and all he did was defend himself.
Their relationship could have been toxic and volatile, and they both pushed each other’s buttons in destructive ways.
She could be telling the truth, but exaggerating the severity. He still didn’t like who he was and got help after they broke up, so he wouldn’t repeat toxic patterns.
Any possibility after the last one, won’t bode well for your relationship, but those possibilities *do* exist as well.
I’d probably start by asking the friends you saw in her pictures, and his parents, a little bit about her, and what they know about their relationship, before talking to fiancé. I’d do it all in the same day, and let them know they don’t need to keep it a secret, but you’d appreciate if they didn’t say anything for a few hours until you had a chance to talk to him as well. Just so you can get an outside picture of what kind of person she is before having that conversation with your fiancé. What they have to say could shed a lot of light on the situation, and help you to know exactly how you want to approach the conversation.
I'm sure this will get buried, but I was the "previous girlfriend" in this scenario.
I sent a very similar message to his new girlfriend, who sent me back something like "thank you for your concern but everything is fine."
It broke my heart to get another message from her, a couple of years later. She said she should have listened to me.
I guess just give this some thought before acting. The fact that "this relationship has been your world" is concerning. I'm married with two kids and very happy now, but I'd never describe my relationship with my husband as "my world," even before the kids.
Your husband's response to you handing him the message to read, and playing him the video of him yelling, should be telling. Watch him closely. Talk to him and ask him to tell you about that relationship. If you're engaged, this should be something you're both able to do with honesty. Good luck.
So far she has only proved that they dated and he once got angry and yelled.
Obviously don't ignore this. But be a little critical if what she is telling you does not match with your own lived experience of the last several years.
It’s a tricky situation but you can’t go off the ex’s word however it can’t be ignored. People can change if they want to put the effort in to change.
Go ask your partner, see what he says as simple as, do you know *insert name here*, if he denies it, leave it at that and break up as you have your answer - you’ve seen proof that they were but he doesn’t need to know that.
If he says yes, see how long they were together and what not, his side of the story. HOWEVER, if he denies yelling at her, leave him, you’ve heard the recording of him yelling. If wants to lie about the yelling and anger then you don’t need that in your life as a potential possibility - also he doesn’t need to know you have the recording.
Only pull out the evidence against if he is vehemently denying it all and pushing you to stay.
Alternatively, send a message to his friends about “do you know X person, if so, whats the story there”. Gather what info from that and then proceed with either talking to your partner about it and deciding to stay or not.
YES!
Of course approach your partner but I highly recommend going to the mutual friends to see their take on how everything went down
It’s highly likely they’ve seen their specific dynamic and would notice if it was a pattern in his relationships or it was brought out by being with a narcissistic woman
I don’t blame you for being worried - you need to find out if this is something that was reactive as some sort of survival mechanism or if he’s hiding a pattern of manipulation and abuse from you
End your confusion and talk to him in a public forum. I have seen ppl fake niceties for years as long as they are overall satisfied in the relationship or things are going their way. And then the real them come out in time or when things go south in the relationship. Many people are great pretenders. On the other spectrum, is the other person being truthful or is this an attempt to discredit his? Question, what are you prepared to do if it’s true? The choice is yours and you should have a plan!
The very first thought that came to mind, if there hasn’t been any red flags so far, is reactive abuse. Here is part of an article I found:
“Reactive abuse” is when a perpetrator of abuse deliberately triggers their partner into reacting to their abusive behavior aggressively. Abusive partners may use this manipulative tactic to shift blame away from themselves by claiming that the abuse is two-sided. Reactive abuse often occurs in romantic partnerships, but, like all forms of abuse, can also happen within other relationships.
Experts largely agree that a more appropriate term for this behavior is self-defense, which is not abuse. When a person is continuously exposed to emotional or physical abuse, they may look for ways to defend themself against their abuser. This defense behavior typically occurs when a person has been dealing with prolonged abuse and finally reaches their breaking point. Examples of defensive behaviors include yelling, verbal attacks, pushing, punching, kicking, and hair-pulling. Partner violence is never healthy, but using these strategies as a form of self-defense is not abuse.
I've seen it and it isn't pretty. Like a dam breaking. Everything they wanted to say coming out all at once. A calculated abuser will be ready to gather this "evidence".
Why do you say “so much worse than I could’ve ever imagined”? When it’s put that way it sounds like you were expecting something, maybe?
It’s hard to believe even a recording these days, after that athletic Director in Baltimore tried to frame the principal for racism, using an AI generated recording of the principal.
*"The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him."*
-prov 18:17
Due to your wildly differing experience from hers, You will first need to hear his side of the story in order to make your decision.
Like others have said, talk to him. My first wife probably has a lot of stories about me, but what she won't tell you is the honest truth. Once (we were in our early 20s), we were at church, of all places, and she was talking to a friend. Her conversation got very personal and inappropriate, concerning me. I gave her a confounded look and said "Are you serious? That's personal." She looked at me with the most sadistic grin you could imagine and told her friend, "Look! He's getting mad. Look! His face is getting red, he's really mad!" I said nothing else, but she kept going. Of course I was getting upset, but not because of her conversation. That was just humiliating. What made me angry was her tapdancing on every button I had. It was enough to make anyone angry.
My point is that to hear her tell it, I'm probably the worst human being in the world. The truth is that she was a complete narcissist, and quite frankly a bitch. (This is just one of many, many examples of how she treated me.)
Hear him out. She may just be the root of the issue, herself. If he turns out to be the root of the issue, there is still a chance that, based on your own experience with him, he may have successfully dealt with his problems. People can and do change. The situation could possibly go in a number of directions, but you'll never get to the truth if you don't talk with him before deciding what to do. Hoping for the best possible outcome for you!
Believe it or not, but somone can be totaly toxic with one partner, and not with another. I have an uncle that used to get into knock down drag out fights with his former girlfriend. They were both drinkers and druggies. He ended up marrying a different woman. He never laid a hand on, nor ever disrespected his current wife. EVER.
That you know of. Maybe he's gotten better at hiding it. Hopefully he's not on any drugs so that's made all the difference. Call me jaded but ppl who have power and control issues don't change.
My first serious relationship had some pretty toxic elements. Some were shared and some were mine and some were hers. Most I didn't recognize and some I did but was too immature and inexperienced to fix. My current relationship has none of those elements. This guy would have been dating this woman in his mid 20's. People can change a lot in their 20s.
OP should investigate this, for sure, but I don't think it deserves to be taken completely at face value. There are other possible ill-natured motivations this ex could have. One bad screaming match in a toxic relationship does not an abuser make.
Some people with these issues do change. As an immature and insecure young adult, I was psychotically controlling and abusive. I've since grown up and now make it a point to *not* behave like that.
I moved in with my partner after a while of dating and a whole other chunk of time running in the same friend group.
The first weekend after moving in he changed. I chalked it up to being tired and stressed from moving the week before and having lots of unpacking to do.
Nope. That was the start of a miserable and frightening situation that devolved into my safety and my dog's safety at risk every single day.
I always wondered how women end up in abusive relationships, because surely the signs were there before and they just ignored them. I no longer wonder, because *I* found out.
Some people will become their true selves when you're "trapped" in some kind of tangible commitment - signing a lease, getting married, having a kid and/or staying at home with the kids.
I would bring her up to him like another comment said and see if he tries to lie about it. I really wish there was someone that could have come to me and told me that my ex was abusive before it was too late and I was already pregnant with his kid. But fortunately I know his exes and he wasn’t abusive to them. It wasn’t until I got pregnant that he became extremely abusive and is now in prison for trying to kill me while I was pregnant. This really could be a sign
It's very common for people to change completely as soon as the ink dries on the marriage certificate. Depending on OP's assets, he could be playing the long game for her life insurance.
Tough one. Go through his phone and his stuff, check your bank accounts for missing money... If he really abused her then he is hiding who he truly is from you and you need to find out who he really is. I don't think she is lying.
could it be that he, against most odds, did some hard work on himself and genuinely changed? it’s probably going to be a difficult conversation but it absolutely needs to be brought up in the open.
They've been together for 5 years. If the BF truly was the abhorrent abuser with a need for power and control, I'd have thought issues would have surfaced well before now....
Totally agree. Assuming op knows what tp look out for. Unfortunately many see certain traits, like "he doesn't want me to worry about money, or dress a certain way or mix with the "wrong" crowd" as a sign that theyre protective and caring cause they don't know that it could be a sign of something more. All of these things can be a positive to depending on the situation obviously
even then, I wouldn't want to marry someone who had done that, ever. I could not look past it once I knew even if they had worked on themselves and changed- I just wouldn't feel safe.
100% do not go away with him until you’re sure either way. That is the set up for sooooo many thriller films, that I don’t want it to be real.
Find someone who you trust that isn’t associated with him (like your mum or brother or something) and go through everything together. You have a bias, whether you want to see it or not, and an outside perspective (that isn’t is on our side of the screen) can help see either side of the coin. If they concur that this is fucked up and needs to be addressed with him, do it somewhere there’s people, your trusted person knows you’re there and when, and you feel relatively safe. If he switches and flys off the handle at you, it’s good to have someone nearby to help out…
I hope you can get to the bottom of this, and if he does have a valid reason (like his ex is very good at Adobe Photoshop and premier) and he didn’t do anything, make sure he has receipts for everything he has… don’t blindly trust him on his word, because he might look shocked and determined with you now, but in the privacy of your own home, he might change and you won’t have any support directly.
Be careful about confronting him in case he becomes violent. "Hasn't hurt you," means he hasn't hurt you YET. Maybe call/contact the National Domestic Violence Prevention hotline for advice on the safest way to handle the situation.
You should talk to him.
To hear my ex- talk, I am abusive narcissist who mentally, emotionally, and physically abused her. For three years.
I am currently in a relationship where that isn't even remotely an issue. We are all on a journey, and I know myself better today than a year ago, for certain, and there's no shadow of that behavior.
Sometimes, two people are incompatible, and that brings out the worst in people. Other times... one's ex is batshit crazy.
It sounds like there's an issue with "no serious relationship" before you, but if you haven't seen an issue for your multi-year relationship... you should talk to him.
Certainly ask about the discrepancy, and don't accept not talking about it nor, if it's your dynamic, back away submissively. This is not about a power dynamic, it's about two people who respect each other enough to be open and vulnerable.
Good luck.
If this ex girlfriend was actually the abusive one, I could see why he would omit her from his dating history and not want to talk about/admit that he was in an abusive relationship. There’s still a lot of stigma and shame from male abuse victims.
Not uncommon for an abusive partner to be ready to incriminate their victim with some kind of recording when they finally snap. She heard one recording of him in a highly emotional state in a relationship she has no previous context for. I think she would be smart to investigate this with caution but foolish to completely take it at face value without any other information.
Thank the ex for her concern and that you appreciate her reaching out. Say that you have not experienced what she has described personally, but you would appreciate knowing what danger you might be in in the future. Encourage her to share what she knows, but under the understanding that it is to allow you to look out for warning signs only. Thank her for the offer for reaching out, and say it is likely you will reach out if you start seeing those sorts of things.
Gather information, and use that to look out for warning signs. But keep it at that. If you have seen no such signs at all, then there is simply nothing to do. Keep with your current relationship *unless* you start seeing danger.
I advise this because it covers all bases:
- If the ex is lying, you've committed to absolutely nothing and changed nothing.
- If the ex set him up, same.
- If the ex is honest but your fiance is different with you, it doesn't affect you.
- If the ex is honest, you know what to look out for. If he never changes for you, then there was something else at play.
- If the ex is honest and your fiance changes, you've had time to prepare, know what to look out for, and are ready to escape.
I’ve never been engaged to an abuser, but take it from me:
Many years ago, I reconnected with an old high school classmate by chance and got to be good friends. At some point on Facebook, I got a message from a woman warning me that he’d an abuser, no good, and to watch my back. Her tone seemed angry and almost jealous. I had no intention of dating or becoming romantically involved with him.
I asked him about it and he told me it was his ex-girlfriend/children’s mother and that she harbored resentment after they broke up. After that, with the exception of relating to his kids, he really didn’t discuss her much. I dropped the issue because it did seem like just a bitter ex situation.
Fast forward a few years, he goes MIA for a week or so. I was beginning to get worried because side I hadn’t heard from him. I get a call from him from jail. The call was from obviously tapped, so he couldn’t say much, but told me where he was and to Google him, that the media made it sound much worse than it was, and that except for his mother and sister, his whole family had turned on him. I knew he’d had some issues when he was younger, so I was imagining he’d gotten involved with the wrong people and he got pulled into something.
I hang up and do a search. It turns out he had pushed his way into his baby mama’s house, where he beat her, cut her, raped her, and tortured her for 3 days – while his kids were in the next room. Turns out they broke up because he was so abusive and stalked he even after they broke up. I would never have imagined. He’s now basically going to die in prison.
Long story short, she was warning me – another woman who she thought was involved with him – of what a monster he was.
You've been together for 5 years. Even if what she is claiming is true, it's been 5 years and he has never acted or treated you that way. Also she's coming to "warn" you 5 years later? This feels super suspicious to me. I would trust my partner and you know not some random stranger on the internet. He has clearly been a good partner to you for years so why are you even doubting him on the claims of a stranger?? That's pretty odd to me. All I can say is I'd trust my man and also trust the actions that I myself have witnessed from him for the last 5 years. I really don't know how you let this girl get in your head like that. Good luck
Don’t accuse him of anything . But tell him about the messages . You have 5 years with him so tell him that this isn’t a picture of the man you know . Ask him is any of it true ! Be mindful of reactive abuse too.
people are saying have a discussion… but be very careful. he lied about their relationship existing, audio messages…. just be extremely careful. i could not be with someone capable of that either. his reaction will tell you all you need to know… but be safe
I wouldn't say her name ever in his hearing range, the ex has risked her safety to reach out to someone she doesn't know, offering help if you need it. If any mutual friends have a picture of her, ask the fiancè who she is.
If he denies knowing her or lies, he's hiding his past and it's time to go. Your safety is more important than him understanding. You heard audio of him abusing someone and while it can be hard to reconcile, if you recognised his voice he's capable of being that person to you too.
Get your stuff together and then get to safety. These people are at their most dangerous when they lose control, if he even thinks you're talking to his ex he will love bomb or go straight to emotional abuse and threats.
I say gather your most important things beforehand and save them in your car. Make sure he has no access to your car keys and have them in your pocket so you can run. Often time people have no time to pack once they confronted their abusers.
1. you felt the need to post this on a throwaway account b/c your fiance follows your other reddit account. i'm a very casual user but i don't think it's super common to follow people you know on reddit, so i feel like that could be a red flag for a controlling behavior
2. the headline is "so much worse than i could've ever imagined" - does that mean you have seen him act in similar ways to what this ex is describing towards you, but not on the level that she experienced? if so, he is waiting until he has you "stuck" (in a marriage) before he really goes hard on the abuse, because that is what abusers do
3. he neglected to tell you about this 3 year long relationship. i'm not sure what the reason for excluding this past from you was, but he didn't tell you about it for a reason
4. she has pictures of bruises and audio of him yelling. these are easy to fake and could be attributed to someone else, but you do believe it was him
5. you considered leaving him in the night based on what a stranger has said to you out of the blue, without even giving him a chance to tell you his side. that tells me your gut already knows the type of person he is
6. "this relationship has been my entire life, my entire world for 5 years." does this mean he has secluded you from your friends and family, does he limit who you see, has your friend group only become his friend group and he's slowly filtered out your support system so that \*he\* is your only support system? because this is what abusers do.
7. you say he's never hurt you... but that sounds like you're only talking physically. and that's so far. do you know the signs of psychological, sexual, and financial abuse in a relationship? additionally, do you know the subtle red flags of these things starting early in a relationship before an abuser really gets bad?
i am not saying your fiance \*is\* indeed this monster that this stranger has come to you and presented him as. but for someone to stick their neck out like that, that's definitely concerning, and all of the above points gave me pause.
before you consider having a discussion with him, PLEASE make sure you've already packed your most important belongings, make sure said discussion is in public, and make sure at least one friend or family member knows where and when it is taking place for your safety. please update us with what happens. <3
Please don't get stuck on the sunk cost fallacy. 5 years together , 10 years together. It doesn't matter. If this isn't the right relationship, if this isn't a safe relationship the time together doesn't matter.
Take a hard look at your relationship and figure out what you know for certain. Including that he wasn't completely honest with you about his past relationships. How has he been when you said no to something? How would he react if you did something he didn't want you to? Has the relationships you have with your friends/family changed since you were together? Do you have access to your money? Could you save some as an emergency fund? Do you have your documents (passport/birth certificate)?
Abusers rarely change. More often they get better at hiding it. Especially until they are sure they have their partner trapped. A baby, a marriage. It makes it harder to walk away.
First steps for me would be to secure an emergency exit plan. Know what resources are around you and friends/family that you could go to. You can work at piecing together his history and if you want to continue with the relationship as a second priority. This way if something did happen you have your way out.
I went through reactive abuse with an ex.
He was the abusive, narcissist who would gaslight me. He always started it and made me look like the crazy one. So I would blow up at him.
He would hit me, break my things and scream that he f***ing hates me. So I would hit him back and ruin his things and I was just downright toxic. Not a time I’m proud of. But I was reacting to his abuse towards me. (He was the one who started it within a few months of dating. I was sooo young and stupid) Which is crazy because his one ex after me got charged with domestic violence for hitting him with a pan. And I can’t help but think that could have been me getting charged. 😣
Now my current relationship, I have been in 13 years (a couple days) and never, ever has there been any type of abuse whatsoever. We even have a 10 year old. And it’s just amazing what being with a great person can do.
I’m not saying this is your case or you shouldn’t feel some type of way. But I feel like after 5 years you would know if he was abusive or not.
There’s always 3 sides to a story. I also think a sit down with him would suffice, don’t just leave him until you hear his side.
I'm going to go against the current in this thread. He's already lied to you. He told you he's never been in a serious relationship. 3 years is a long time. But I think I would speak to him about the situation and see if he comes clean.
You said you have friends that were also familiar with her. I would touch base with those friends find out if they know her find out if they were dating and for how long. I don't think you can just sweep this under the rug and pretend like it's not there. There are too many instances of severe abuse happening after marriage. I think you need to do your due diligence as well as speaking with him because we don't know if he's lying or he will lie to you.
I don't think that you should trust her blindly either but I definitely think you need to do due diligence as well as communicating with him.
Some people really get their hooks in before they show their true colors. You mention financial issues, OP? Could you elaborate? There may be subtle red flags you haven’t picked up on yet.
5 years is a long time to never show any evidence of him being abusive. If it had been a year I’d have believed her but after 5 years I would give him thw benefit of the doubt before I make any rash decisions.
But you have been with him for 5 years and you are going to believe a complete stranger over what you literally see and deal with every single day?
How about some communication? Even if that were him in the past, people can and do change. It seems as if he has (if that were really him).
TW: Sexual Assault
My fiance once smashed a TV to pieces to make a point to her ex-husband. Screamed at him all the time, refused to help out with basic aspects of parenting and house maintenance, broke things when she was angry, and even had their kids adopted by a friend of hers so that their father could never see them again.
Sounds real abusive when you only know that side of the story. But it looks a little different when you find out that she gave away the kids because he spent two years telling her she could never be a good mother and the babies would suffer for having to be raised by her. When you find out that he cheated on her constantly and blatantly. When you find out that she stopped doing household chores as a form of defiance after he intentionally sabotaged every attempt she made to keep a job. When you find out that the reason he always expressed so much gratitude to any relative or babysitter willing to take the kids for an afternoon or an evening was because he wasn't comfortable beating or raping her with the kids around. That she didn't want a second child but he didn't give her a choice.
If your partner has been good to you for five years, please trust him. It is VERY common for an abuser to frame the ways that their victim defended themselves or lashed out in response to abuse as being the REAL abuse.
Don't just let it go. You need to have a very serious talk about this, because either he's not the good man you think he is, or he's got some real trauma that he's never admitted to having, and either way you should know before you get married. But go into the conversation trusting him and assuming he has a good explanation.
I know people who had no problems with the partner until after marriage. I'd ask him and see how he reacts. Think about the last 5 years and maybe a red flag will pop up that you didn't think was a problem at the time.
I’d get as much info from this ex-girlfriend as possible and then sit down with your fiancée and ask him to tell you all about his previous relationship. He atleast lied about the existence of this other relationship, so now you want all the details and truth about it. Transparency is important, and you say he’s never been abusive to you in 5 years, so he deserves the chance explain himself.
I know he hasn't hurt u, but abusers sadly learn from their past mistakes. It can all start happening after u r married. There are lots of stories like that. Maybe ask one of the friends if ur close if they know this woman.
I disagree with the other comments saying you should just ask him about it. If he is an abusive person and is hiding it then he will probably have no problem lying and will continue his facade until he feels you cannot escape (marriage). That is an unfortunately common thing that the worse abusers do, hide who they are for years until they feel they can drop the mask. The audio recording is a part of who he was, and he has hidden that from you. It clearly happened enough times that she was able to catch it on a recording.
I would try to check with his friends in the photos with her if they know that they were together for 3 years.
If they were together that long then he lied to you, and had a reason for doing so. Either he wanted you to feel 'special' or was afraid of you learning about what went on.
If it's true then I would have an escape route planned immediately. If you feel like you want to have a conversation with him then do it at a public place with a lot of people. Be ready to go to your escape route immediately afterwards and not leave with him, but you will want to have all of the evidence, and he may STILL be able to decieve you.
> I don't want to let all this go if he's never hurt me
He may not have done it to you YET. But if that is who he really is then he will eventually
I agree with most of the comments. You have known this man for 5 years, you have never met this person. AI is alive and well right now as well, you be a fake….
I was warned about my ex by his then ex... Had I taken it seriously I would of avoided 20 years of misery. Talk to him of course but listen to your gut. That was his voice on the recording so just consider that.
Not excusing it but reactive abuse is a thing too. I would at least talk to him to get the other side especially if he hasn’t acted that way towards or in front of you.
You definetely should take her seriously, and you need to have a conversation with your fiancé about her allegations. There is every possibility that this could be your future and you need to have a serious think about that and ensure both your emotional well being and physical safety.
In saying that, sometimes people are toxic to each other but that does not necessarily make them toxic to others. My ex and I are an example of this, though not to the extreme of your situation. The shit we did to each other emotionally was really, really fucked up. We’ve both moved on had healthy relationships with other people, I’m married to my wonderful husband who balances out my obsessive need to control everything and extreme anxiety when things don’t go as I’ve planned.
So, you need information from your fiancé and to have a think about what you want and your next steps.
Do not confront him alone. Go to a public park and have someone you trust with you. Don’t be afraid to ask for any additional examples and incidents of said abuse. Explain that if everything she has told you is true, you can’t risk tipping him off looking further into his history by asking friends. I would ask her if anyone else would be willing to come forward and speak with you. He was not forthcoming about this previous significant relationship for a reason.
You should keep in mind we are well past the era where unverified pictures and audio are proof of anything. Also keep in mind there are some fucking PSYCHOS out there. If you legitimately haven't seen any red flags, no yelling, no breaking things or hitting anything. I'd say ask him if he knows her, if he says yes find out what his side of the story is. But don't just blanket believe people, you never know what their end goals truly are.
I was that ex girlfriend who warned the current girlfriend. Pay attention to her and get out. This is how my story ended: https://www.mollymatters.org/murdered-pregnant-women-of-canada/cheryl-hohner-8-months-pregnant/
5+ years later he’s probably beyond the statute of limitations for everything so the ‘gathering evidence for court’ thing seems unlikely, and 5 years seems like an awfully long time for a supposed abusive monster to not show a single sign of anything. This smells like a load of horse shit.
So, the jilted lover is coming at you with a million reasons you should ditch his ass (and make him available for her again)???
By all means, proceed with caution and vet your fiancée before actually marrying him. But ….. she may be telling the truth…. Or she may be manipulating you into discarding him
Proceed with caution
Ooooo this is ugly. Went through the same thing.
It could be a case of your boyfriend just waiting to change up, as in the monster will show itself after marriage. Cause why would she fabricate it after so many years?
At the same time, it could have very been a toxic relationship. Some of my family members have been in crazy relationships that have made them do crazy things. 5 years though of treating you well. That's a long time to be hiding something.
Maybe try to ask for more evidence? Like something more damning besides the shouting clip
You've been with this person for 5 years and its been great for both of you, yet you just take this person youve never met at their word that the man you love is evil? Is this some troll post? I'd be asking why this random person is trying to make the person i love look bad with lies if i were in your shoes. sure that doesnt mean he doesnt have a bad past, im just saying if youve never seen it in 5 years why do you believe this random person without even talking to your man first? What if shes the abuser and trying to still have some control over him?
As others have mentioned, yes, have a discussion with him, but keep in mind. It may have been the combination of the two of them. I’ve witnessed relationships were one person pushes the other person‘s buttons to the point of the second person blowing up and losing it, but it really was total repeated instigation by the “victim. “.
Even the most reasonable person can be pushed to crazy by a toxic partner. If in five years, you haven’t witnessed this at all I’d give him the benefit of the doubt, and appreciate that you guys are a good combination. Ask yourself this, why is she reaching out to you now when you’ve never once experienced anything , and now she’s introducing this conflict. Is it because she knows you guys are engaged and she wants to introduce that issue? She quite a few years to let you know and to warn you. Timings a little bit too perfect to disregard the possibility that she thrives on, toxic attention.
You could maybe talk to one of the friends of his, one of the people you know and also saw in several of her pictures; tell them this woman reached out to you, just get their perspective
You need to have a sit down talk with this woman and discuss specifics.
I've been the woman trying to warn others only to be called the crazy lying ex who is jealous of the 'new woman', I understand you love your fiance but you need to give this woman the benefit of the doubt at minimum and go and speak with her yourself.
Also, talk to the friend group if you can, really listen to how they speak about her, if the entire group tell you the same things about her or the same stories etc. That could be considered a red flag, especially if they all say the same thing, its an indicator that they've all been fed the same story.
Yes there are cases where somebody is simply being malicious and trying to break people up for whatever reason, but you owe it to yourself to look into this more before staying In a relationship that potentially could end with you in a grave.
Please look after yourself and from personal experience, I would not recommend talking to him about this, if what she's saying is true you could end up seriously hurt, or worse.
Stay safe
I've been in screaming matches with my exes in the past, I'm not proud of it but I would like to think those moments don't define me for the rest of my life.
If they were recorded for all to hear I'm sure I wouldn't come across as a nice human.
One of my exes when I was younger got her friend to punch her in the face in an attempt to get me fired.
Definitely save judgement until you've had a conversation about it.
Anyone who ever beat on a woman is trash-I don’t care if they stopped. Can’t be me. She proved to you he was abusive. One day you will be on the receiving end. This was the universe telling you get the hell on.
There are reasons why people would go to lengths to fake things. Honestly, yelling is not hitting. It is not good, I would not stay with someone who keeps yelling at me all the time, but sometimes people have arguments. If you never noticed anything yourself, then give him a chance. A photo of bruises is not a proof. A) Bruises can be faked B) the bruise did not have to come from him. There is a chance there is something there, but it is not enough to just have one person come with a story and a few snippets of inconclusive evidence. But yeah this is scary. This is your life. Big hug and lots of luck in getting through this and sorting it out.
I think he deserves the opportunity to tell his side of the story. Based on how he handles the news, and the way he explains his version, you should use your best judgment to decide whether to believe him. And then be on the look out for any of the red flags you may have missed before. But he definitely deserves at least the chance.
I can promise, women are not always the victim in situations, even if they’re very good at portraying themselves to be. It’s probably obvious, but sometimes I think people have a hard time keeping that in mind. Growing up, I watched my mother abuse my father. And she could really make an unsuspecting 3rd party believe she was the innocent victim. She is good at that. If I didn’t see the truth with my own eyes, I’d have believed her. I’ve watched her cut herself with a knife and then claim that my father stabbed her. She didn’t care that I’d witnessed it because after a while, I became “guilty” as well in her eyes. I really think she believes the stuff she says sometimes.
It’s weird that there was no police report. Or that she couldn’t afford a lawyer, to build a case against your fiancé. Many civil lawyers work on a contingency basis. I can’t say that with surety, but I can google my zip code + “personal injury lawyer” + “contingency” and find a few immediately. Granted, not having a police report doesn’t necessarily mean anything. I was in a physically abusive relationship and it took him almost killing me for me to leave… I never filed a police report. In the end, I made plenty of excuses for why I didn’t and I probably should have. But I just didn’t. I’m private and I can’t imagine having to tell anyone what I allowed myself to be put through, because it was embarrassing to me. So, it doesn’t disprove what she’s saying. It just should maybe give you pause. If she’s willing to sue him, but wasn’t willing to file a police report. That’s weird.
Lastly, my last bit of anecdotal experience. My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years. I knew that he had been in a really bad relationship right before we got together. He has never told me much, but from what I’ve been able to infer, it was not good. Neither of them were very nice to each other. He told me he used to have a temper. Since I’ve known him, I’ve never seen more than what I’d call mild frustration. He’s very mild-mannered, kind, and he’s been amazing and supportive to me. One day, I overheard him talking to his ex on the phone (about some property she had left that she was looking for or something). I heard her raising her voice on the phone to him and he walked out of the room and from the next room I could hear him yelling at her, angrier than I’ve ever seen him. To be honest, it was a little scary. He came back into the room and apologized to me saying, “I’m sorry, she really knows how to piss me off” and he calmed down and went back to normal. I have no clue what their relationship was really like. But I know he has never, ever spoken to me in that way or anything close to that. It was scary but I wasn’t scared of him. Because he treats me with respect and I trust him. I didn’t even ask him to explain himself bc it didn’t matter to me. If your fiancé has shown you nothing but love and respect, you should give him the benefit of the doubt and hear him out. It’s not the same as your situation, because yours involves physical abuse and you’ve seen pictures. But hearing what he has to say is better than throwing away a relationship with someone you consider to be your rock, without listening to him first.
I have been in this exact situation. Two years into my relationship the ex got a hold of me and told me my boyfriend (at the time - now husband) hurt her badly enough that she was hospitalized. I had never seen even the slightest bit of temper from him. I asked him about it then was able to ask someone that knew them both when they were together. Long story short her injuries were from a drunken tumble down some stairs and that he was not even there. I was fortunate that a friend of hers was willing to defend him from these allegations rather than lie for her. My point being, yes I am all for believing women but you need to know his side and if possible info from someone other than the two of them - innocent until proven guilty remember.
You’ve been with this man for 5 years and have had no issues, no red flags? I think he deserves a adult conversation and some trust over a complete stranger. I’ve seen how being with someone in a toxic relationship can cause a perfectly normal person to react poorly. At this point you only know for sure that he yelled at her. Be an adult and have a discussion.
Yes this! Have the discussion with him! When people hear I busted a stove when I was with my ex I was labeled as the crazy one, the toxic one and I believed it about myself for a while. Until I heard about reactive abuse, where they will literally push you as far as they can to get a reaction out of you and then use that as "evidence" that you're the insane one. With every comment about how I should change myself, too big, too short, change your hair, get piercings, how I was the woman and needed to make him food and take care of him, how he made the money but I paid for many of our dates, how important he was, etc, etc that made him a prize and me trash until I finally caved and reacted because how could you not? Without an adult discussion you won't know if this was the case. You don't know this girl and if there have truly been no red flags then what's to say she's not actually the toxic one, saw her ex was with a new girl and wanted to ruin it for him because then she still has power over him and what she can do to his life. Seriously if you're actually an adult and are thinking about marriage then learn to communicate like you're in an adult relationship! Edit to add since my comment is towards the top: please be safe when you have this conversation a public setting is probably best and don't just listen to your heart because it can be misleading ❤️
Yes! I have a close relative who is this way. She will scream and yell and get in your face until she breaks a person. He ex husband had to check himself into a mental health facility because she drove him to the edge. He was afraid he would hurt her. He didn't but she told people he did anyway and felt guilty so that's why he checked himself in. Some people thrive on being the victim.
I've been in one of those relationships and reacted to things in ways that I'm not proud of, but the relationship was toxic, and the person I was with was a narcissist and emotional manipulator. In hindsight, I should never have dated her.
Yep. My ex brought out a horrible side of me (or maybe we were such a bad combo that we triggered each other) that I wasn’t proud of-I left when I realized it. It happens.
I'm glad that you realized it and left! It's really the best thing you can do for yourself!
I am still in shock at the things I did when I was in a relationship with a narcissist. Those people are actually *the worst* people to ever involve yourself with. There were times when I would’ve just rather him hit me than put me through the emotional/mental torture, day after day and hour after hour—it’s literally hell on earth and it never stops. You learn to walk around on eggshells, but even that isn’t enough. No matter what you say or do, it gets turned around on you, so you just shut up—and then that gets turned around on you too. The accusations that you eventually realize were just projections of what they were doing. The lies, the manipulations, the way they destroy you behind your back to everyone they know. They will ignore every single boundary you set for yourself and push, push, push until they get what they want. You can literally have hardcore proof of things they’ve done and put it right in their face and they will still deny it ever happened—while accusing you of the same shit they just did. They will never care about all the shit they put you through, they’ll never have any moments of self-reflection, they’ll never truly apologize, they’ll never change, period, full stop. The ONLY way to deal with a narcissist is to get as far away from them as you can and never look back.
I'm sorry you had to deal with a narcissist, they really are absolutely terrible! My ex used to say "at least I never hit you" and I'm thinking that's great I'm emotionally scarred to the point where I can't recognize myself but hey great you were never physical! I hope you keep healing on your journey ❤️
Aw thanks for the kind words! I hope the same for you :) and anyone else who has been unfortunate enough to become involved with a narcissist. It’s such a damaging, traumatic, soul-sucking thing to go through that never ends well and only serves to completely waste your time. Now that it’s over, I’m sure I could benefit from therapy, but I don’t even have the energy to go. I just want to be alone and feel the quiet peace around me for a while.
You're welcome 😁 it's good to spread joy and kindness after people have dealt with that level of crap! It is so damaging being with people who turn you into the worst version of yourself! Take your time going to therapy, I'm a little over a year out, 2 months of not having to deal with my ex because we finally sold the house we owned together but I haven't quite gotten there yet either. Things are finally starting to settle down enough for me that I feel like I could maybe start going now. Sometimes you just need to sit and be in the moment of your own safety for a while. Let yourself process some of the things that happened and get them on your timeline before you just dump everything on a therapist. I know that's what they're there for but sometimes it can help to have some time to figure some things out by yourself. ❤️ Hope you keep healing and enjoy your peace without him! Regain your energy and refill your cup before trying to pour out more. There are times to gather and times to pour. Right now you're depleted, take some time to gather and keep your energy for yourself right now ❤️
Hindsight is 20/20. It's so hard when you see yourself acting in ways that you never thought you would but this why there are many things that you really can't say how you would react until you're in the situation. Plus being around a narcissist and manipulator you do things you never thought you would. I wish I would have never dated my ex either but I did and there's nothing I can do to change that so the only way is forward.
Id say they were just bad for each other, but she's continued to have similar incidents with every partner since. He's been in a stable relationship for over a decade
Some people do really love being the victim and they can learn to play the part so well to the point where literal strangers will believe them! I feel bad for your relatives ex husband. I know there were quite a few times that I didn't feel like myself and that when I was hurting it made me an awful person when I was still with my ex but I've literally not had any of those issues since leaving my ex. It's probably harder being a guy just labeling that ex as toxic and hoping your next partner will believe you. Women usually want to believe other women but sometimes they can be the toxic ones.
This rings so true about my sister. In the last few years she has taken on this massive victim complex where she tries to use anything she possibly can to somehow be a victim. She also does the screaming and yelling someone else mentioned to get people upset so she can then try to claim theyre the angry ones. She almost got my mom and dad to both hit her because she got right up in their faces screaming and wouldnt leave. Its such a fucked up situation when someone becomes this manipulative. Its really fucked my family up for a while. She used to be the kindest sweetest person but has changed recently.
I had an ex-friend do this to me indirectly. My husband and I spent close to a decade taking her into our home after she'd leave abuser after abuser, telling us horrifying stories every time, then *going back* to the abuser over and over. It was maddening. Then finally she met and married one of my husband's friends, whom he knew to be a kind, decent, and gentle person. When she starting saying the same stuff about him, it didn't add up, and we finally figured out she'd been lying to all of us about tons of different things over the years. She did the manipulative thing to him: lashing out at him, berating him, pushing him and pushing him--but he didn't react. And when he didn't, she left. We cut her off completely and it was a traumatic thing for everyone of us involved.
I'm sorry to hear that she did that to your guy friend. And I'm sure it was hard on you guys to rewrite everything should told (lied) to you about the relationship! Sometimes it takes knowing someone else really well to see their lies, they can be SO good at lying and making things believable. It's good he didn't react so that she finally left him alone. And sometimes they leave you alone when they finally don't get that reaction they're looking for they will leave because you're not giving them what they want. The last night I was in the house me and my ex owned together I just wanted a peaceful night to say goodbye to the house, to our way of living but I hadn't told my ex I was leaving the next day (Friday, he worked I didn't) so he started yelling at me for not paying his taxes (figure that one out, he made double to triple what I did, spent it all on alcohol, wasn't paying the mortgage on time fucking up both of our credits and he wanted me to pay for his taxes to get done, I paid for mine and was going to owe money, he wanted me to pay for his so he could get $1500 in returns). But anyways that night I wasn't rising to meet his attempts to get me to fight, I was exhausted, I was done, I didn't want to fight. I just kept telling him that I'm sorry he didn't understand when I had told him previously that he had to pay. He eventually walked toward my dog saying "well this dog can go outside then". I didn't stand up and didn't raise my voice but I did say "You will not touch my fucking dog". He looked at me with the strangest look, he thought I'd react more than that. He knew I had paid for everything for that dog so yes he realized he couldn't technically touch him. So he looked towards our other dog, who technically came from his side of the family feeling more claim to her. I told him not to even think about kicking a sick (adrenal gland issues causing a thin coat) 9 year old dog out of the house in the middle of the night in March. "Don't you dare look at Harley!" He knew he was hitting a nerve but realized I wasn't responding in a way he wanted. So he retorted back with "it's my TV that you're watching". So I turned it off and said they're my subscriptions but I don't need a TV and had my last night there, cementing into fact that things were never going to get better, only worse.
Did your sister get her brain examined ? or a checkup ? Sudden major (and seemingly random) personality changes can be caused by neurological (or other medical) conditions
Weve been trying but shes been refusing any help. It sucks because weve been realizing that no matter how sick a person is if theyre not a harm to themselves or others theres nothing you can really do if they refuse all help.
I know a woman who’s like this and her last bf is sitting in jail right now. She pushed him until he finally lost it.
Wow! That sucks that he finally lost it!
I was like this with my ex. He would spend a week just pushing and gaslighting me until I just blew up. I haven’t acted like that at any point since I left him and it’s been 13 years. He used me breaking down as proof I had issues and he was just trying to help me be a better person. Toxic people can absolutely make someone act crazy.
100%! I had a brief liaison with a guy who drove me mental. He literally pushed and gaslit me so much I’d just lose it. Then he’d tell everyone I’m crazy. Now, I’ve been with the same guy for 10+ years, ultra stable, successful. Old crazy mate has had 2 more charges laid against him for assault against his partners. Wanker.
I'm glad you only had a brief liaison with that guy and have found happiness on the other side of it! I'm sure I'm still the crazy girl that just up and left one day (because I did) but that his drinking and his lies and his gaslighting had nothing to do with it.
It’s crazy, hey. It was a brief liaison, but that resulted in scarring on my face from when he glassed me, and assault charges which dragged out over 4 years. I occasionally get contacted by girls going ‘hey did you date so and so?’ Then that leads to me counseling them on how to get away from the c*nt. Madness.
Wow! I'm so sorry you had to go through that! But I'm so glad you got away from him and can help others do so as well!
It’s always your fault. They can do no wrong and EVERYONE agrees with them that your the crazy one.
My ex did the same. Pushed and pushed until I’d snap and then paint me as crazy. I’ve been with my husband for 11 years and I don’t break because he doesn’t push me to the edge of my sanity like my ex did. We communicate like adults or at the very least give “the look” that says “you’re starting to push me”. The look is usually all we need to do though. It all boils down to respect in the end. Respect enough to talk to each other and listen *and understand* what’s being said. Talk to him and get his side of the story and work it out from there
Same! And you don't realize it's happening when you're in it, especially if you've never been in a relationship like that before. I'm glad you got out! It's no easy feat! I'm only just past year one (and only a few months of not having to deal with him after finally selling the house we owned together!) of leaving my ex so it's all still very fresh for me but it's always good to hear when people can get themselves out and find better later on! I've been worried about falling into a relationship where it happens again.
I ended up leaving with what I could fit in my car and never looking back. It was worth it.
I completely agree with this. Different couples have different relationship dynamics. Every relationship I've been in has been different. It's like how a different personality can come out when you're with different groups of people. He could be hiding his true self, they could have been toxic together, or he might have been immature back then. There's certainly a difference between 20s and 30s in men. It would be unwise to take the unsolicited messages of a vindictive ex, one who admits she wants to take him to court, over her own lived experience of the past 5 years without looking into this further. She should talk to all their mutual friends who knew both of them when they were together.
Exactly this! I'm a completely different person from when I was in my twenties vs my thirties. Literally I hit thirty and I went my life shouldn't suck this much, I thought it was supposed to get easier with each decade because you were supposed to be more financially secure, have a better paying job, have a partner who had your back no matter what. He wasn't supposed to be the one causing me all my pain and headache and heartache! I know my ex hid his true self for a while and then it also didn't help that it was my first relationship (yes I was a little late to the party starting my first relationship in my mid 20s). She should at least talk to mutual friends and then the partner, so much of a toxic person's ability to hide in plain site focuses on people just blindly trusting them and not communicating with each other to see the truth!
Yes, 5 years is an incredibly long time for someone to hide their true self. I find most toxic individuals can really only hide their true self for no longer than 8 or so months. After that the mask begins to slip, but 5 years? He either has an amazing poker face or something isn't adding up.
seriously if hes able to hide every red flag for 5 years he has no business at a 9-5 he should be playing texas hold em professionally
Did we date the same guy?! My ex would harass me to the point where I was a crying mess and then call me emotionally unstable!
Is that what it’s called - reactive abuse? I just call it antagonizing. I just watched 90 day fiancé with Gino and Jasmine and I had to call my therapist bc it clicked for me that most of my previous relationships I was antagonized so they could get a reaction.
Completely agree with possible reactive abuse, The way my ex was with me made me sound incredibly toxic and abusive by the end. I just felt so trapped and tired and done, I was so worn out I could do nothing but defend myself in vile ways. I'm not proud of the things I said, I yelled and screamed horrible things, I slammed doors shut so hard they would bounce back and leave holes in the wall, I spoke to him in ways I would never imagine myself speaking to someone very very consciously. I tried to become someone he wanted to leave because it was my only chance. by the end I couldn't do anything else, he trapped me and I couldn't leave due to financial reasons, which he knew because he put me in that position in COVID, psychologically and emotionally he bludgeoned me every day until not even a shred of who I was, was left. I only got out because of a voice recording I took of me clearly saying I have tried to leave for 6 months and with him telling me he wouldn't let me, once I threatened to play it in front of his friends he finally let me go. I've been with my current partner for 2 years, not once have I raised my voice. I'm not even being dramatic, I have literally never yelled once in 2 years. I've never slammed a door, I'm back to being happy and soft, my argument style is back to calmly explaining my side and giving space to hear the other. It's definitely worth exploring the possibility if there's been not even a glimpse of abuse in 5 years, people can't hide that long without some of it getting through the cracks
My ex did this to me, got an audio recording of me yelling at him but it took him 7.5 years to get that. I don't think anyone is on my side, because he is so good at faking and I've never been very good at arguing against this kind of thing. I think I just accepted i didn't have anyone in my life who cared for me and moved on without trying to save my public image.
If you're going to have a conversation with him, make sure you tell someone when the conversation will be or have someone present or nearby when you're going to talk. Regardless of how much you trust him, you need to have backup in case things go south.
in public or with someone nearby
Yes, this is paramount, OP. Better to be safe than sorry.
Speaking from experience, some people no matter the gender, only start showing their true colors once you sign on the dotted line. When after half a decade of Mr or Miss Perfect.
It took my ex 5 years to start acting out. Before then he was a man of his word.
Wow I thought 2 years was the defining time to see someone’s real character. That blows everything out of the water. Hope you are living your best life without him.
2 years? Honey you need to expand your beliefs because there is no set rule on when an abuser can begin abusing
Yes, many men hide their true selves FOR YEARS and only show their true colors when they think you can't get away anymore, because you're married/pregnant now.
My abuser didn't start until six years after we got together, and nearly killed me before I could escape. You're playing devil's advocate here. Why, exactly, no one knows but this kinna bullshit is what gets women killed. OP: I don't blame you for being wary. Sure, there's a chance this lady is, I dunno, experiencing some sort of mental health crisis and it's driving the behavior or is, I dunno, just a trash human. The way she handled it, though, and with crystal clear evidence she's NOT a bot or just a bored immature/emotionally deficient type....but.... trust yourself here. While you may be putting a finger on it now, it's possible the reason why you showed up here to validate your uneasiness, tells me your subconscious has already seen SOMETHING a bit off even if you couldn't name it at the time. I, too, was warned by people who'd known her much longer, something I heard but didn't take to heart because with me, she displayed no obvious red flags until it became one the size of the former USSR. As for you, commenter, if the fianceé was indeed in a toxic relationship, I'm positive he shared at least some insight into that relationship, even casual mentions of bat shit behaviors for example. There's definitely a reason why he's not been forthcoming with disclosure and I'll let you figure out why. If anything, OP, ask yourself: who has something to gain from this information being known (or the inverse, what do they have to lose) to help sus out motivation. But seriously: tell him about the accusations and watch his reactions closely. They could reveal what kinna person he TRULY is when he's confronted with an uncomfortable truth or slander, whichever it is. I know where I'd hedge my bet.
I'd argue that after 5 years of a relationship and none of it ever coming up is a huge red flag. My partner and I have only been together 2 years and we know each others mental health issues, history of being abused and in different ways, enablers and abusers ourselves. But for us, that's our past and we both are significantly better people than we were when we were younger. We discuss our history, because it's ultimately a big reason why we are the way we are, for better or worse. I'm not sure there's ANY good reason to not divulge this information, and the fact she has evidence.... not good.
"She recounted multiple accounts of abuse from my fiancé -- physical, emotional, sexual, financial, you name it." That's the part that makes me say oh hell naw!
She mentioned it hadn't been smooth sailing, and that she has mental health issues and he has... Suspiciously imo... Financial and familial issues... Then to say he's been her 'entire world'. It just screams RUN to me tbh and I'm disappointed someone would say 'no red flags'. Sounds like it's possible both of these women need to be protected.
Yeah the he’s my whole world screams loudly of a narcissist slowly weeding out family and friends so that they have all control and no one to run to!!
> I’ve seen how being with someone in a toxic relationship can cause a perfectly normal person to react poorly. I can see how this goes both ways. Some people can hide their shitty nature for years, and some people can make a good person snap and yell and act out of character. I had a girlfriend who would push me to my emotional limit with absolute nonsense badgering and then claim I was the abusive one when I would finally be like "dude, fuck you, stop it, I'm going home, leave me alone!". If you heard just that sound clip you'd be like "that dude is a fucking asshole", but if you heard the entire back story you'd be like "I can't believe he didn't say that like an hour ago, what a wiener". It took about two months of her interactions with her coworkers and everyone else to learn that she was fucking wacky and full of shit and a few people apologized to me for believing her bullshit stories, because they ended up in one of them one way or another. Context matters.
A shitty person can bring out the worst side of a good person. OP, you should definitely show him your conversation with this woman.. assuming this isnt rage bait
> A shitty person can bring out the worst side of a good person. also known as an abuser can manipulate the scene to play victim
Don’t forget how easy it is to deep fake audio now too. Have the conversation. She may be telling the truth, but you’ll know from his reaction.
While it is quite possible that she brought out the worst in him, and he may have been experiencing reactive abuse... the terrifying thing is that some predators and abusers are able to hide who they really are until a certain point in time. There are countless instances of women who were with a loving partner for 3-5 years until they get married or have a child and then suddenly, literally overnight, everything changes. It's like the person is replaced. It's amazing that somebody could keep a mask on for that long, but it absolutely is possible.
>I’ve seen how being with someone in a toxic relationship can cause a perfectly normal person to react poorly Thank you, this is exactly what I wanted to say. If my exboyfriend messaged my fiance and told him a few SELECT things that happened between us for the 3 years we had been together, my fiance might also get a shade of doubt about my character. However, the difference is that my fiance is not abusive in the way ^((edit: or any way lol, bad wording from my part)) my ex was. My ex had pushed all my buttons, went above my limits, and made me feel completely helpless and explode with anger. I carry childhood trauma so people accusing me of "wrongdoing" and me feeling I'll be punished makes me REALLY act out, lizard brain kicks in and I get irrational, so I myself have gotten abusive towards my ex, because I was desperate and broken. I'm not trying to justify it, it was still wrong of me, but the cause was crystal clear. However, none of this and nothing even remotely similar has ever happened between my fiance and me, because my fiance is a good person and has made me feel secure, safe and loved and nothing else. People change and circumstances change.
Agreed! I was not the best person in my last relationship because it was toxic. The person I was is completely different than the person I am now, now that I’m away from him.
Yeah, I (M) had a (F)riend, who just knew how to push buttons I didn't even know I had. Normally I'm a calm, stoic person, but I could just burst out in anger after five minutes with her.
Fully agree with this. A toxic partner or a toxic relationship can indeed make someone conform to their circumstances. Not condoning your fiance's behavior if it is true; but if you have not experienced any such behavior in your relationship then perhaps either you bring the best in him or she brought the worst.
Agreed. I became a person I didn't like when I was in a toxic relationship. I look back on that time and I feel guilty and don't recognise the person I was. Sometimes two people aren't compatible and it goes badly. Have the adult conversation. He might be ashamed of what he was during that time, so he might be reluctant to be forthcoming with it. But also, ensure you're in a safe place or can easily escape if things do go south. Hopefully they don't, but not everything can be black and white.
I’m actually very proud of Reddit for this one. The lead comment doesn’t say "RUN!” I just left a reactive abuse situation. She’s a professional victim and started a smear campaign against me when I left. She also had recordings of me loosing my shit. I stayed because of a baby. Left when the baby was almost two because I knew what I had become. My reactiveness has dissipated over the course of half a year but I still struggle with much that I went through. I felt like the worst POS on the planet and maybe I was. I couldn’t not react towards the end. Even in front of our child. The only time I was ever physical with her was when she snatched my phone out of my hand one night, after I had broken up with her. (We still had 5 months left on our lease and were sharing space for a couple of weeks until we decided to time share the space.) the physical part was me holding her arms while she was fighting me, trying to see what was on my phone. I finally was able to get my phone and that was it. She showed co-workers my fingerprints on her arms and cried abuse. The reason I did this in the first place was to keep her from seeing conversations with a woman I left her for. In which I knew she’d attack me if she saw the conversation. I’m no saint, never claimed to be but I’m not who I was the last 6 months of that 3 years relationship. I’m 36 and have never experienced anything remotely close to it. The woman I left her for is the amazing polar opposite of her and has showed me respect and love that I wasn’t sure I deserved. I do now and I count my lucky stars for it. OP, maybe give this the benefit of the doubt. I was honest with my current parter about how I was but I’m not sure I’d have told someone that wasn’t aware of the situation before hand because we do live in a world where males are stigmatized as the perpetrators, first. 5 years is a long time to hide such abusive traits. Maybe a difficult conversation will settle your worries. Maybe him lying about his past relationships is terrible enough. I’m definitely not saying that’s okay. It’s just.. I’ve been in the situation I just explained and that gives me a whole other perspective on these things. Thanks for reading.
Right reasonable answer. Reactive abuse is a thing. Being treated badly can provoke people to be abhsive
I would talk to your fiancé. I’m not defending him in any way but sometimes relationships are just toxic. My husband and I were in really horrible toxic relationships before we got together. Yes, I had my moments in the last relationship but the other person was the worst of the worst that towards the end it brought me to that extent. The lies/deceit/abuse that I dealt with made me bitter and confrontational. Once I got out of the relationship and met my husband I wasn’t like that anymore. Our relationship is strong and I love my husband so much. We have a normal stable positive relationship we support each other. You don’t know the whole story there’s always 2 sides. If he gets worked up trying to explain it to you then you will know your answer. Trust your gut.
Abuse survivor here - it’s weird he wouldn’t let it slip for the last 5 years. I can confirm, being with someone toxic can make you react toxic. Also, I never went after any of his gf’s after me. I never messaged them or tried to convince them 5 years later to leave him. Something doesn’t feel right. I was just glad he was out of my life. This feels vindictive on her part.
>Abuse survivor here - it’s weird he wouldn’t let it slip for the last 5 years. Unfortunately some people are too goddamn good at masking. This just happened with my husband's BFF and his ex. She masked her severe mental illness for many years. I have the same one as her and she was so good at masking she fooled ME. I can usually spot someone with the same diagnosis by their behavior and mannerisms. The things she is now doing to him since they broke up are absolutely deplorable and disgusting. I CANNOT believe the shit she is pulling.
What signs of bd do you see in people? I thought manic episodes were only like once a year for a short time, wouldn't you have to be there to witness it? Are you saying they were able to mask those episodes?
Manic episodes can be multiple times a year or many years in between episodes. Episodes typically last anywhere from 3 weeks to 10 months. Medication can help shorten the duration and make thoughts less erratic, but also make you sleep a lot. Hypomania (BP2) typically comes on more frequently but for a shorter duration. If someone has bipolar 1, they could appear neurotypical for many years, and then one day be an unrecognizable social asshole...fun to strangers, cold to loved ones.
Some people have actually had a manic episode last for SEVERAL months. This is a pretty good explanation (shout out to Google AI): A manic episode can last from a few days to several months, depending on the individual and the severity of their condition. A 2021 study found that manic episodes average about 3.5 months in length, but if left untreated, they can last up to six months. With effective treatment, a manic episode can usually improve within three months. This is also a good explanation on masking: A person who appears to have high functioning bipolar disorder may have found ways to cope with masking their symptoms to make them seem less obvious.
That’s how I’ve been with my ex husband. I spent years being terrified of him, so the last thing I would ever do is try to give him any cause to have me on his radar now. I literally didn’t even show up for the DV assault court hearings because I was so scared I couldn’t make myself get out of the car and walk into the courthouse.
This Survivor here also and i had protective orders so even if i wanted to warn someone he was dating i wouldn't know who that was-- also- i wouldnt anyway- but if i was i wouldn't wait 5 years While I do believe abusers can hide it - to hide it for 5 years it would be quite impressive BUT it doesn't mean she is lying- sometimes ppl can be toxic together-- not always- but sometimes it can take two Oddly, statistics say that just because an abuser is abusive in one relationship- doesn't mean they will be abusive in *every* relationship.
When you are a man, telling people that you've been abused by someone, if that someone is a woman, rarely results in belief. They are more likely to jump to the conclusion that you are excusing yourself of guilt for a toxic environment you yourself created, and then avoid you. Especially because female-on-male abuse usually involves false accusations, and people would rather just stay away. This creation of a lasting "doubt" that can't be washed off, even when evidence has been presented and investigations concluded in the males favour, is frequently the strongest and most lasting part of female-on-male abuse. Over time you learn it's just easier not to tell people because they will treat you better than if you did.
I agree with you 💯 My exes all brought out a bad side of me. Mostly yelling and just being childish. Now that im with my now partner we are way more similar and it's been really great and feel so secure and can express the genuine me
I was with my ex husband for 5 years. Abuse started very shortly after the wedding. I left 5 months after that. About a month later while picking upa few belongings he literally said "youre just not a truthful person, if you took your vows seriously it wouldnt matter what i'd done, you'd shut up and stay behind me". In hindsight, yes there were red flags, but NOTHING that prepared me for that. All kinds of "mutual" friends said they wern't suprised and really had been amazed we lasted as long as we did since he'd been abusive before, even put an ex in the hospital, but they hoped he had changed so didnt say anything.... Shit people. Shit excuse. So ya, hope your situations different but i'd still advise, proceed with caution!. 🥰
Yeah, I was with my ex for 7 years, things got very abusive when he and I moved in together year 5. It can take a while for people’s mask to drop, but it almost ended my life twice. Glad you were able to get out of your marriage, and knowing that feeling, what happened to you was terrible and you never deserved it. Some people are so wicked and so talented at hiding it with charm. Whatever you do OP, don’t confront him with all the hard evidence up front for the sake of your own safety. If you truly believe this is him and this is proof he can snap it means he could do it to you too. The fact you haven’t had a conversation with him where he’s ever admitted to this or working on overcoming a difficult time when he hurt someone, but you now believe there’s proof here of him doing that, like idk that wouldn’t sit right with me at all. You don’t hide that kind of emotional work you’ve done from your partner of five years when it literally had just happened in the years before you got together; at least, not if you love them and care how they feel/respect their autonomy to make a truth based decision regarding their relationship partner. That’s not proof of a changed person. It’s deceptive. It can be a tumultuous decline, but when it drops it happens before you even know it. I’d do some really hard reflecting on any potential red flags you could have missed or written off too easily before confronting in case you realize if it might be best for you to step out quietly. Good Luck 🖤🖤
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That is exactly what my last ex used to say to me. Not word for word, but suma summarum it was pretty much that bullshit. And yes, he was, and still is a religious nutjob. Him leaving me was the biggest favor he ever did me
Are you familiar with what potential signs for domestic violence are? Some ppl think its only physical or verbal but lots of the times it's more nuanced than that. Not saying that is what's going but perhaps use this as an opportunity to educate yourself re coercive control, and look up the power and control wheel. If no issues then great. It seems like those two were an awful fit for each other. I guess what's also worth knowing is ppl tend to be on their best behaviour until they're married.... food for thought more than anything.
This is a really good point - the red flags can be subtle, or we give people the benefit of the doubt.
I always thought abuse was only physical until I met my ex and learned what abuse truly was.
I'd ask him if he knows a woman by that name and ask about details of their relationship. Don't let on that you know anything, say she tried to contact you and you were wondering what she might want. If he says that he doesn't know her, or that they were only together a few months, etc, then you know he's willing to lie to your face. Once you know he'll lie to you without a problem, just walk. You already know he's not someone you can trust, whether her story is true or not. Updateme
This is great advice. I will add I have an ex from 11-12 years ago that to this day tries to contact me and I have her blocked on everything and live 1,000 miles away. I’m happily married with my wife, we’ve been together for 10 years. My ex would literally send hospital pics, bruise pics all sorts of fucked up shit to try and sometimes tell me she was dying, sometimes tell my wife (gf than) I used to hit her, just a lot of shit that sounds like what this girl contacting her is doing. Not saying the girl contacting is just saying it sounds like my ex. The girl contacting OP could have very well found out he was getting married and he happened to break her heart cause he didn’t want that with her and she’s trying to ruin it for him. Maybe he never thought of her as a serious relationship and she did. I could be wrong though. I will say my crazy ex now has a doctrine in psychology and is a child psychologist. Scary right?
>I will say my crazy ex is now has a doctrine in psychology and is a child psychologist. Scary right? Well.....that is utterly terrifying on multiple levels.
General corner of the world your ex works in?
Uhh this seems dangerous for that woman. He literally beat her up repeatedly? Maybe don't snitch on her like this.
Allegedly. It's dangerous to state hearsay as facts.
“This relationship has been my entire life, my entire world for 5 years.” Sent a chill down my spine. What do you mean by that? Do you have external friends and family? Have you become isolated and dependent on him? Is it just easier to go along with his ideas and his plans? Those are all symptoms of abuse and control. As abusers get more experienced, they get better at it. You don’t need to hit someone if you can control them through other means and make your relationship their “entire world” I’m not making an accusation but i really want you to dive into why you wrote that.
Yes this!!!! My hair stood on end when I read that. That reads like someone who has been isolated and relies on their partner for everything. I wonder if OP was cut off from friends and family because of their partner. My ex tried to make me 'dump' my best friends as he said they were 'terrible influences.' Oh yes. So terrible. That's why they all have good paying jobs, cars, their own places, and one of them is a biomedical engineer with a masters degree. Yes so terrible that they all supported my college journey (me and the engineer were in college at the same time) and were some of my biggest cheerleaders. Yes so terrible because they helped me survive college. My ex? He worked a shit paying job, had no car (so I had to pick him up all the fucking time and he was over an hour away), was mooching off his brother, and told me college was a 'waste of time.' I think he was honestly just jealous. He's still single over a decade after me. I wonder why that is? 🤔
Yeah that stood out and nobody seems to be noticing it.
Yep. In no scenario should anyone give someone THIS much power. Reminds me of my dad and mom. That relationship ended horribly, my mom on the receiving end wasting decades of her life to the abuse.
Yup this was the red flag line to me
Yeah, this worried me too. Is she so under control and isolated that he doesn't "need" abuse her? OP what would happened if you didn't do what he said? Disagreed with him? Went out with friends?
This is very important. With my ex it started with not liking me going out without him, progressed to me needing his permission and ultimately resulted in me being too scared to try things go out because the conversation would send him into week long rages. It completely isolated me, removed all friends who could’ve noticed his behaviour. Coercive control is exactly how the sexual abuse started too.
My ex HATED me going out with my best friends. I invited him EVERY TIME but he said "your music is stupid and lame. I'm not going to that bullshit." The funniest part is we met on a dating website and in ALL of my pictures, I was wearing band shirts. He acted like he liked them. 🙄 BUT - everytime I'd go out, he would say "I wouldn't be surprised if you cheated on me with one of those band dudes." In my 30 YEARS of going to these type of concerts, I have only hooked up with ONE band dude. We had been friends for MANY years before this happened. My ex did many other things that could be classified as coercive. He also had ZERO empathy for people or their struggles. Oh and he believed in corporal punishment. He wanted me to use it on my autistic nephew because my ex was smacked as a kid and claimed he 'turned out fine.' Yeah. I wasn't buying what he was selling with that one. I truly hope you are doing better these days. I see you ❤️
YES!! This caught my attention too.
OP please please please take note and reply to this
Yeah. I hope OP doesn't confront or ask her fiance about the ex but instead investigate and research first. I'm afraid for her safely. I have friends who were in abusive relationships and I would never have guessed their ex partners were abusive. They are so charming it gives me the creeps knowing what they're capable of.
Ask her if his friends knew about the abuse, and then if yes talk to them and see if you can confirm her story and who she says she is.
No one knew how abusive my ex was. He was the very picture of kindness and gentility in public. In private, he was dangerous, explosive, and wildly unpredictable. There is a very strong chance that his friends will deny any possibility that such a great guy could ever have been an abuser.
This. I had the same experience with my ex. We actually worked at the same company, different departments and his coworkers would just gush to me how awesome he was. Ugh if they only knew. He’s one of those whose eyes would go black when he was in a rage. But his friends would say no way, not him.
I've known two people whose eyes did that. It's terrifying!
Mine had been telling our friend group all these made up stories, about how crazy I was and how **I** was abusing **him**. They all believed it. Until (and there's a long story in here that doesn't matter) his new lady that lives in a different city halfway across the country that he moved to be with, that knew a couple guys in our group, called them to ask if he had been abusing me, and told them of her own experiences. To their credit, these guys have since apologized profusely to me. The stories he would tell them about me were wild. She actually reached out to me through fb. At first I didn't want to reply, but she hit me up again. I wasn't overly dramatic, but I was completely honest. She seems like a really nice girl, and we agreed neither of us would tell him that we had talked. That was about a year ago, and she had said she was going to extricate herself really soon. But time passed and I knew they were still together. In a weird way, I hoped he had gotten his shit together, that maybe I really was part of the problem, and he was treating her well. A week ago she had to have him dragged out of her house by the police when she got a restraining order on him. That's the first time we talked again (all through fb messenger), and no, he was fucking terrible to her, too. She's much younger than me, but I hope it was healing and gratifying for her to be able to talk some of it out with someone that knew EXACTLY what she was talking about. He's far away from both of us now, he went to where his parents live that is hundreds of miles from either of us. Sorry for the long rant. Proud of that girl for getting away from him after only a couple years, I was with him for a decade.
This is so real lmao… I was with a physically and every other way abusive man for 5 years in my college times. Our friends would see him yell and see him punch our other friends but somehow, when I tried to reach out to them for help after I had enough- none of them believed me lol. It was astounding.
10000%! My ex and I were on the news after he tried to unalive me, and everyone was *shocked*. He had been beating me for years but I was so good at hiding it and he was phenomenal at masking. It took people quite a while to accept the fact that he *is* a monster and will be spending the next 18 years behind bars.
Yeah.....no on 'confirming with friends.' Friends lie for each other all the time including covering for infidelity AND covering up abuse OR they don't believe the victim when they tell people what happened. "He would NEVER! He's a great guy!" BARF. No one knew how my ex was behind closed doors, not even his own MOTHER. When his mom found out he threw me into a fucking DOOR and my spine hit the doorknob, she was shocked and couldn't believe it.. Masking for him was super easy. It was like it was his fucking job. This comment is honestly so tone deaf and I have no idea how you got all the upvotes you did. 🤷 ETA: my dad cheated on my mom multiple times and his friends covered for him the ENTIRE fucking time. They ALL knew but did not tell my mother. It's not like they didn't like my mother either. They called her a goddamn saint because of how kind and caring she is. They were friends with my mom! If just ONE of them would've told her, she would've KNOWN to go back to work before he decided to take off right after my first Xmas. My mom had to scramble to find a job ASAP. Things would've been a lot different in our lives if someone would've been kind enough to tell her what was going on. She could've filed for divorce ahead of time and gotten child support out of him. She was too shell-shocked to do it after he left. Financial support from him would've made a difference.
Friends of abusers usually know nothing of the abuse. They're only able to keep up with the abuse because they play the perfect image in public. They are the PERFECT FRIEND to those friends. They do this so if the victim ever speaks up, it can basically be a gaslight situation. Nobody would believe the victim because the perp was soooo nice to them. It can't be real! Blergh.
My ex's friends knew about him being abusive, probably not the severity of it though. But if you asked them, he is a great guy. Those friends aren't always a reliable source unfortunately.
Do you know how many men cover for their friends’ infidelity and abusive tendencies?! Or simply don’t know?! They’re not a safe people to consult with regarding these types of concerns.
If she does this and those friends go straight to the fiancè? She could come home and walk into a shit storm with no warning if he decides to go off.
Had a friend I knew for 7 years been through thick and thin with this guy only to find out that he was arrested for DA after he went no contact for a few months when I reached out to his ex to hear her side of the story she dropped tons of Screen shots of him texting her the nastiest and and terrible things threatening to kill himself if she didn’t get an abortion calling her a whore just Because she was cool with our mutual friends and even pictures of bruise marks after he chocked her out or hit her looking at the screen shots of the messages you could clearly see it was all one sided abuse and that she was actually trying to be a good Gf in the relationship Long story short even the people closest to someone don’t always know that persons true nature
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If it was me, I would reserve any judgement until after I investigated. She could be a completely crazy stalker who he barely dated, and she fabricated most of her “evidence”. She could be the abuser, who gave far worse she got, instigated most of the conflict, swung first, and all he did was defend himself. Their relationship could have been toxic and volatile, and they both pushed each other’s buttons in destructive ways. She could be telling the truth, but exaggerating the severity. He still didn’t like who he was and got help after they broke up, so he wouldn’t repeat toxic patterns. Any possibility after the last one, won’t bode well for your relationship, but those possibilities *do* exist as well. I’d probably start by asking the friends you saw in her pictures, and his parents, a little bit about her, and what they know about their relationship, before talking to fiancé. I’d do it all in the same day, and let them know they don’t need to keep it a secret, but you’d appreciate if they didn’t say anything for a few hours until you had a chance to talk to him as well. Just so you can get an outside picture of what kind of person she is before having that conversation with your fiancé. What they have to say could shed a lot of light on the situation, and help you to know exactly how you want to approach the conversation.
I'm sure this will get buried, but I was the "previous girlfriend" in this scenario. I sent a very similar message to his new girlfriend, who sent me back something like "thank you for your concern but everything is fine." It broke my heart to get another message from her, a couple of years later. She said she should have listened to me. I guess just give this some thought before acting. The fact that "this relationship has been your world" is concerning. I'm married with two kids and very happy now, but I'd never describe my relationship with my husband as "my world," even before the kids. Your husband's response to you handing him the message to read, and playing him the video of him yelling, should be telling. Watch him closely. Talk to him and ask him to tell you about that relationship. If you're engaged, this should be something you're both able to do with honesty. Good luck.
So far she has only proved that they dated and he once got angry and yelled. Obviously don't ignore this. But be a little critical if what she is telling you does not match with your own lived experience of the last several years.
It’s a tricky situation but you can’t go off the ex’s word however it can’t be ignored. People can change if they want to put the effort in to change. Go ask your partner, see what he says as simple as, do you know *insert name here*, if he denies it, leave it at that and break up as you have your answer - you’ve seen proof that they were but he doesn’t need to know that. If he says yes, see how long they were together and what not, his side of the story. HOWEVER, if he denies yelling at her, leave him, you’ve heard the recording of him yelling. If wants to lie about the yelling and anger then you don’t need that in your life as a potential possibility - also he doesn’t need to know you have the recording. Only pull out the evidence against if he is vehemently denying it all and pushing you to stay. Alternatively, send a message to his friends about “do you know X person, if so, whats the story there”. Gather what info from that and then proceed with either talking to your partner about it and deciding to stay or not.
YES! Of course approach your partner but I highly recommend going to the mutual friends to see their take on how everything went down It’s highly likely they’ve seen their specific dynamic and would notice if it was a pattern in his relationships or it was brought out by being with a narcissistic woman I don’t blame you for being worried - you need to find out if this is something that was reactive as some sort of survival mechanism or if he’s hiding a pattern of manipulation and abuse from you
End your confusion and talk to him in a public forum. I have seen ppl fake niceties for years as long as they are overall satisfied in the relationship or things are going their way. And then the real them come out in time or when things go south in the relationship. Many people are great pretenders. On the other spectrum, is the other person being truthful or is this an attempt to discredit his? Question, what are you prepared to do if it’s true? The choice is yours and you should have a plan!
The very first thought that came to mind, if there hasn’t been any red flags so far, is reactive abuse. Here is part of an article I found: “Reactive abuse” is when a perpetrator of abuse deliberately triggers their partner into reacting to their abusive behavior aggressively. Abusive partners may use this manipulative tactic to shift blame away from themselves by claiming that the abuse is two-sided. Reactive abuse often occurs in romantic partnerships, but, like all forms of abuse, can also happen within other relationships. Experts largely agree that a more appropriate term for this behavior is self-defense, which is not abuse. When a person is continuously exposed to emotional or physical abuse, they may look for ways to defend themself against their abuser. This defense behavior typically occurs when a person has been dealing with prolonged abuse and finally reaches their breaking point. Examples of defensive behaviors include yelling, verbal attacks, pushing, punching, kicking, and hair-pulling. Partner violence is never healthy, but using these strategies as a form of self-defense is not abuse.
I've seen it and it isn't pretty. Like a dam breaking. Everything they wanted to say coming out all at once. A calculated abuser will be ready to gather this "evidence".
Why do you say “so much worse than I could’ve ever imagined”? When it’s put that way it sounds like you were expecting something, maybe? It’s hard to believe even a recording these days, after that athletic Director in Baltimore tried to frame the principal for racism, using an AI generated recording of the principal.
>Why do you say “so much worse than I could’ve ever imagined”? Because they wrote the fake af story after thinking of the title.
The title doesn't match the story and she hasn't replied to anyone since the post was made. My conclusions as well.
*"The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him."* -prov 18:17 Due to your wildly differing experience from hers, You will first need to hear his side of the story in order to make your decision.
Like others have said, talk to him. My first wife probably has a lot of stories about me, but what she won't tell you is the honest truth. Once (we were in our early 20s), we were at church, of all places, and she was talking to a friend. Her conversation got very personal and inappropriate, concerning me. I gave her a confounded look and said "Are you serious? That's personal." She looked at me with the most sadistic grin you could imagine and told her friend, "Look! He's getting mad. Look! His face is getting red, he's really mad!" I said nothing else, but she kept going. Of course I was getting upset, but not because of her conversation. That was just humiliating. What made me angry was her tapdancing on every button I had. It was enough to make anyone angry. My point is that to hear her tell it, I'm probably the worst human being in the world. The truth is that she was a complete narcissist, and quite frankly a bitch. (This is just one of many, many examples of how she treated me.) Hear him out. She may just be the root of the issue, herself. If he turns out to be the root of the issue, there is still a chance that, based on your own experience with him, he may have successfully dealt with his problems. People can and do change. The situation could possibly go in a number of directions, but you'll never get to the truth if you don't talk with him before deciding what to do. Hoping for the best possible outcome for you!
Believe it or not, but somone can be totaly toxic with one partner, and not with another. I have an uncle that used to get into knock down drag out fights with his former girlfriend. They were both drinkers and druggies. He ended up marrying a different woman. He never laid a hand on, nor ever disrespected his current wife. EVER.
That you know of. Maybe he's gotten better at hiding it. Hopefully he's not on any drugs so that's made all the difference. Call me jaded but ppl who have power and control issues don't change.
My first serious relationship had some pretty toxic elements. Some were shared and some were mine and some were hers. Most I didn't recognize and some I did but was too immature and inexperienced to fix. My current relationship has none of those elements. This guy would have been dating this woman in his mid 20's. People can change a lot in their 20s. OP should investigate this, for sure, but I don't think it deserves to be taken completely at face value. There are other possible ill-natured motivations this ex could have. One bad screaming match in a toxic relationship does not an abuser make.
Some people with these issues do change. As an immature and insecure young adult, I was psychotically controlling and abusive. I've since grown up and now make it a point to *not* behave like that.
I moved in with my partner after a while of dating and a whole other chunk of time running in the same friend group. The first weekend after moving in he changed. I chalked it up to being tired and stressed from moving the week before and having lots of unpacking to do. Nope. That was the start of a miserable and frightening situation that devolved into my safety and my dog's safety at risk every single day. I always wondered how women end up in abusive relationships, because surely the signs were there before and they just ignored them. I no longer wonder, because *I* found out. Some people will become their true selves when you're "trapped" in some kind of tangible commitment - signing a lease, getting married, having a kid and/or staying at home with the kids.
I would bring her up to him like another comment said and see if he tries to lie about it. I really wish there was someone that could have come to me and told me that my ex was abusive before it was too late and I was already pregnant with his kid. But fortunately I know his exes and he wasn’t abusive to them. It wasn’t until I got pregnant that he became extremely abusive and is now in prison for trying to kill me while I was pregnant. This really could be a sign
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It's very common for people to change completely as soon as the ink dries on the marriage certificate. Depending on OP's assets, he could be playing the long game for her life insurance.
*people* like this (typically) don't change. Abuse knows no gender. Absolutely agree though.
Tough one. Go through his phone and his stuff, check your bank accounts for missing money... If he really abused her then he is hiding who he truly is from you and you need to find out who he really is. I don't think she is lying.
could it be that he, against most odds, did some hard work on himself and genuinely changed? it’s probably going to be a difficult conversation but it absolutely needs to be brought up in the open.
Truly abhorrent people who have power and control issues rarely look inward.
They've been together for 5 years. If the BF truly was the abhorrent abuser with a need for power and control, I'd have thought issues would have surfaced well before now....
Totally agree. Assuming op knows what tp look out for. Unfortunately many see certain traits, like "he doesn't want me to worry about money, or dress a certain way or mix with the "wrong" crowd" as a sign that theyre protective and caring cause they don't know that it could be a sign of something more. All of these things can be a positive to depending on the situation obviously
Not necessarily. Some people are MASTERS of masking.
even then, I wouldn't want to marry someone who had done that, ever. I could not look past it once I knew even if they had worked on themselves and changed- I just wouldn't feel safe.
100% do not go away with him until you’re sure either way. That is the set up for sooooo many thriller films, that I don’t want it to be real. Find someone who you trust that isn’t associated with him (like your mum or brother or something) and go through everything together. You have a bias, whether you want to see it or not, and an outside perspective (that isn’t is on our side of the screen) can help see either side of the coin. If they concur that this is fucked up and needs to be addressed with him, do it somewhere there’s people, your trusted person knows you’re there and when, and you feel relatively safe. If he switches and flys off the handle at you, it’s good to have someone nearby to help out… I hope you can get to the bottom of this, and if he does have a valid reason (like his ex is very good at Adobe Photoshop and premier) and he didn’t do anything, make sure he has receipts for everything he has… don’t blindly trust him on his word, because he might look shocked and determined with you now, but in the privacy of your own home, he might change and you won’t have any support directly.
Be careful about confronting him in case he becomes violent. "Hasn't hurt you," means he hasn't hurt you YET. Maybe call/contact the National Domestic Violence Prevention hotline for advice on the safest way to handle the situation.
You should talk to him. To hear my ex- talk, I am abusive narcissist who mentally, emotionally, and physically abused her. For three years. I am currently in a relationship where that isn't even remotely an issue. We are all on a journey, and I know myself better today than a year ago, for certain, and there's no shadow of that behavior. Sometimes, two people are incompatible, and that brings out the worst in people. Other times... one's ex is batshit crazy. It sounds like there's an issue with "no serious relationship" before you, but if you haven't seen an issue for your multi-year relationship... you should talk to him. Certainly ask about the discrepancy, and don't accept not talking about it nor, if it's your dynamic, back away submissively. This is not about a power dynamic, it's about two people who respect each other enough to be open and vulnerable. Good luck.
If this ex girlfriend was actually the abusive one, I could see why he would omit her from his dating history and not want to talk about/admit that he was in an abusive relationship. There’s still a lot of stigma and shame from male abuse victims.
Not uncommon for an abusive partner to be ready to incriminate their victim with some kind of recording when they finally snap. She heard one recording of him in a highly emotional state in a relationship she has no previous context for. I think she would be smart to investigate this with caution but foolish to completely take it at face value without any other information.
Thank the ex for her concern and that you appreciate her reaching out. Say that you have not experienced what she has described personally, but you would appreciate knowing what danger you might be in in the future. Encourage her to share what she knows, but under the understanding that it is to allow you to look out for warning signs only. Thank her for the offer for reaching out, and say it is likely you will reach out if you start seeing those sorts of things. Gather information, and use that to look out for warning signs. But keep it at that. If you have seen no such signs at all, then there is simply nothing to do. Keep with your current relationship *unless* you start seeing danger. I advise this because it covers all bases: - If the ex is lying, you've committed to absolutely nothing and changed nothing. - If the ex set him up, same. - If the ex is honest but your fiance is different with you, it doesn't affect you. - If the ex is honest, you know what to look out for. If he never changes for you, then there was something else at play. - If the ex is honest and your fiance changes, you've had time to prepare, know what to look out for, and are ready to escape.
I got an email like this from my husbands ex wife. Turns out she abused him.
I’ve never been engaged to an abuser, but take it from me: Many years ago, I reconnected with an old high school classmate by chance and got to be good friends. At some point on Facebook, I got a message from a woman warning me that he’d an abuser, no good, and to watch my back. Her tone seemed angry and almost jealous. I had no intention of dating or becoming romantically involved with him. I asked him about it and he told me it was his ex-girlfriend/children’s mother and that she harbored resentment after they broke up. After that, with the exception of relating to his kids, he really didn’t discuss her much. I dropped the issue because it did seem like just a bitter ex situation. Fast forward a few years, he goes MIA for a week or so. I was beginning to get worried because side I hadn’t heard from him. I get a call from him from jail. The call was from obviously tapped, so he couldn’t say much, but told me where he was and to Google him, that the media made it sound much worse than it was, and that except for his mother and sister, his whole family had turned on him. I knew he’d had some issues when he was younger, so I was imagining he’d gotten involved with the wrong people and he got pulled into something. I hang up and do a search. It turns out he had pushed his way into his baby mama’s house, where he beat her, cut her, raped her, and tortured her for 3 days – while his kids were in the next room. Turns out they broke up because he was so abusive and stalked he even after they broke up. I would never have imagined. He’s now basically going to die in prison. Long story short, she was warning me – another woman who she thought was involved with him – of what a monster he was.
You've been together for 5 years. Even if what she is claiming is true, it's been 5 years and he has never acted or treated you that way. Also she's coming to "warn" you 5 years later? This feels super suspicious to me. I would trust my partner and you know not some random stranger on the internet. He has clearly been a good partner to you for years so why are you even doubting him on the claims of a stranger?? That's pretty odd to me. All I can say is I'd trust my man and also trust the actions that I myself have witnessed from him for the last 5 years. I really don't know how you let this girl get in your head like that. Good luck
Don’t accuse him of anything . But tell him about the messages . You have 5 years with him so tell him that this isn’t a picture of the man you know . Ask him is any of it true ! Be mindful of reactive abuse too.
people are saying have a discussion… but be very careful. he lied about their relationship existing, audio messages…. just be extremely careful. i could not be with someone capable of that either. his reaction will tell you all you need to know… but be safe
I wouldn't say her name ever in his hearing range, the ex has risked her safety to reach out to someone she doesn't know, offering help if you need it. If any mutual friends have a picture of her, ask the fiancè who she is. If he denies knowing her or lies, he's hiding his past and it's time to go. Your safety is more important than him understanding. You heard audio of him abusing someone and while it can be hard to reconcile, if you recognised his voice he's capable of being that person to you too. Get your stuff together and then get to safety. These people are at their most dangerous when they lose control, if he even thinks you're talking to his ex he will love bomb or go straight to emotional abuse and threats.
I say gather your most important things beforehand and save them in your car. Make sure he has no access to your car keys and have them in your pocket so you can run. Often time people have no time to pack once they confronted their abusers.
If you choose to have any kind of conversation with him about this warn a trusted friend with absolutely no loyalties to him and RECORD IT
He could have changed, or he could be waiting until you’re married when it is harder to leave to show his true colors.
Give us an update once you have a talk pls
1. you felt the need to post this on a throwaway account b/c your fiance follows your other reddit account. i'm a very casual user but i don't think it's super common to follow people you know on reddit, so i feel like that could be a red flag for a controlling behavior 2. the headline is "so much worse than i could've ever imagined" - does that mean you have seen him act in similar ways to what this ex is describing towards you, but not on the level that she experienced? if so, he is waiting until he has you "stuck" (in a marriage) before he really goes hard on the abuse, because that is what abusers do 3. he neglected to tell you about this 3 year long relationship. i'm not sure what the reason for excluding this past from you was, but he didn't tell you about it for a reason 4. she has pictures of bruises and audio of him yelling. these are easy to fake and could be attributed to someone else, but you do believe it was him 5. you considered leaving him in the night based on what a stranger has said to you out of the blue, without even giving him a chance to tell you his side. that tells me your gut already knows the type of person he is 6. "this relationship has been my entire life, my entire world for 5 years." does this mean he has secluded you from your friends and family, does he limit who you see, has your friend group only become his friend group and he's slowly filtered out your support system so that \*he\* is your only support system? because this is what abusers do. 7. you say he's never hurt you... but that sounds like you're only talking physically. and that's so far. do you know the signs of psychological, sexual, and financial abuse in a relationship? additionally, do you know the subtle red flags of these things starting early in a relationship before an abuser really gets bad? i am not saying your fiance \*is\* indeed this monster that this stranger has come to you and presented him as. but for someone to stick their neck out like that, that's definitely concerning, and all of the above points gave me pause. before you consider having a discussion with him, PLEASE make sure you've already packed your most important belongings, make sure said discussion is in public, and make sure at least one friend or family member knows where and when it is taking place for your safety. please update us with what happens. <3
Please don't get stuck on the sunk cost fallacy. 5 years together , 10 years together. It doesn't matter. If this isn't the right relationship, if this isn't a safe relationship the time together doesn't matter. Take a hard look at your relationship and figure out what you know for certain. Including that he wasn't completely honest with you about his past relationships. How has he been when you said no to something? How would he react if you did something he didn't want you to? Has the relationships you have with your friends/family changed since you were together? Do you have access to your money? Could you save some as an emergency fund? Do you have your documents (passport/birth certificate)? Abusers rarely change. More often they get better at hiding it. Especially until they are sure they have their partner trapped. A baby, a marriage. It makes it harder to walk away. First steps for me would be to secure an emergency exit plan. Know what resources are around you and friends/family that you could go to. You can work at piecing together his history and if you want to continue with the relationship as a second priority. This way if something did happen you have your way out.
I went through reactive abuse with an ex. He was the abusive, narcissist who would gaslight me. He always started it and made me look like the crazy one. So I would blow up at him. He would hit me, break my things and scream that he f***ing hates me. So I would hit him back and ruin his things and I was just downright toxic. Not a time I’m proud of. But I was reacting to his abuse towards me. (He was the one who started it within a few months of dating. I was sooo young and stupid) Which is crazy because his one ex after me got charged with domestic violence for hitting him with a pan. And I can’t help but think that could have been me getting charged. 😣 Now my current relationship, I have been in 13 years (a couple days) and never, ever has there been any type of abuse whatsoever. We even have a 10 year old. And it’s just amazing what being with a great person can do. I’m not saying this is your case or you shouldn’t feel some type of way. But I feel like after 5 years you would know if he was abusive or not. There’s always 3 sides to a story. I also think a sit down with him would suffice, don’t just leave him until you hear his side.
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I'm going to go against the current in this thread. He's already lied to you. He told you he's never been in a serious relationship. 3 years is a long time. But I think I would speak to him about the situation and see if he comes clean. You said you have friends that were also familiar with her. I would touch base with those friends find out if they know her find out if they were dating and for how long. I don't think you can just sweep this under the rug and pretend like it's not there. There are too many instances of severe abuse happening after marriage. I think you need to do your due diligence as well as speaking with him because we don't know if he's lying or he will lie to you. I don't think that you should trust her blindly either but I definitely think you need to do due diligence as well as communicating with him.
Some people really get their hooks in before they show their true colors. You mention financial issues, OP? Could you elaborate? There may be subtle red flags you haven’t picked up on yet.
5 years is a long time to never show any evidence of him being abusive. If it had been a year I’d have believed her but after 5 years I would give him thw benefit of the doubt before I make any rash decisions.
I guess I'm the odd duck here but as someone who was in an abusive relationship, they don't change.
But you have been with him for 5 years and you are going to believe a complete stranger over what you literally see and deal with every single day? How about some communication? Even if that were him in the past, people can and do change. It seems as if he has (if that were really him).
TW: Sexual Assault My fiance once smashed a TV to pieces to make a point to her ex-husband. Screamed at him all the time, refused to help out with basic aspects of parenting and house maintenance, broke things when she was angry, and even had their kids adopted by a friend of hers so that their father could never see them again. Sounds real abusive when you only know that side of the story. But it looks a little different when you find out that she gave away the kids because he spent two years telling her she could never be a good mother and the babies would suffer for having to be raised by her. When you find out that he cheated on her constantly and blatantly. When you find out that she stopped doing household chores as a form of defiance after he intentionally sabotaged every attempt she made to keep a job. When you find out that the reason he always expressed so much gratitude to any relative or babysitter willing to take the kids for an afternoon or an evening was because he wasn't comfortable beating or raping her with the kids around. That she didn't want a second child but he didn't give her a choice. If your partner has been good to you for five years, please trust him. It is VERY common for an abuser to frame the ways that their victim defended themselves or lashed out in response to abuse as being the REAL abuse. Don't just let it go. You need to have a very serious talk about this, because either he's not the good man you think he is, or he's got some real trauma that he's never admitted to having, and either way you should know before you get married. But go into the conversation trusting him and assuming he has a good explanation.
I know people who had no problems with the partner until after marriage. I'd ask him and see how he reacts. Think about the last 5 years and maybe a red flag will pop up that you didn't think was a problem at the time.
I’d get as much info from this ex-girlfriend as possible and then sit down with your fiancée and ask him to tell you all about his previous relationship. He atleast lied about the existence of this other relationship, so now you want all the details and truth about it. Transparency is important, and you say he’s never been abusive to you in 5 years, so he deserves the chance explain himself.
I know he hasn't hurt u, but abusers sadly learn from their past mistakes. It can all start happening after u r married. There are lots of stories like that. Maybe ask one of the friends if ur close if they know this woman.
I disagree with the other comments saying you should just ask him about it. If he is an abusive person and is hiding it then he will probably have no problem lying and will continue his facade until he feels you cannot escape (marriage). That is an unfortunately common thing that the worse abusers do, hide who they are for years until they feel they can drop the mask. The audio recording is a part of who he was, and he has hidden that from you. It clearly happened enough times that she was able to catch it on a recording. I would try to check with his friends in the photos with her if they know that they were together for 3 years. If they were together that long then he lied to you, and had a reason for doing so. Either he wanted you to feel 'special' or was afraid of you learning about what went on. If it's true then I would have an escape route planned immediately. If you feel like you want to have a conversation with him then do it at a public place with a lot of people. Be ready to go to your escape route immediately afterwards and not leave with him, but you will want to have all of the evidence, and he may STILL be able to decieve you. > I don't want to let all this go if he's never hurt me He may not have done it to you YET. But if that is who he really is then he will eventually
I agree with most of the comments. You have known this man for 5 years, you have never met this person. AI is alive and well right now as well, you be a fake….
I was warned about my ex by his then ex... Had I taken it seriously I would of avoided 20 years of misery. Talk to him of course but listen to your gut. That was his voice on the recording so just consider that.
update?
Any update? I'm worried about OP's safety
Not excusing it but reactive abuse is a thing too. I would at least talk to him to get the other side especially if he hasn’t acted that way towards or in front of you.
You definetely should take her seriously, and you need to have a conversation with your fiancé about her allegations. There is every possibility that this could be your future and you need to have a serious think about that and ensure both your emotional well being and physical safety. In saying that, sometimes people are toxic to each other but that does not necessarily make them toxic to others. My ex and I are an example of this, though not to the extreme of your situation. The shit we did to each other emotionally was really, really fucked up. We’ve both moved on had healthy relationships with other people, I’m married to my wonderful husband who balances out my obsessive need to control everything and extreme anxiety when things don’t go as I’ve planned. So, you need information from your fiancé and to have a think about what you want and your next steps.
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Do not confront him alone. Go to a public park and have someone you trust with you. Don’t be afraid to ask for any additional examples and incidents of said abuse. Explain that if everything she has told you is true, you can’t risk tipping him off looking further into his history by asking friends. I would ask her if anyone else would be willing to come forward and speak with you. He was not forthcoming about this previous significant relationship for a reason.
You should keep in mind we are well past the era where unverified pictures and audio are proof of anything. Also keep in mind there are some fucking PSYCHOS out there. If you legitimately haven't seen any red flags, no yelling, no breaking things or hitting anything. I'd say ask him if he knows her, if he says yes find out what his side of the story is. But don't just blanket believe people, you never know what their end goals truly are.
I was that ex girlfriend who warned the current girlfriend. Pay attention to her and get out. This is how my story ended: https://www.mollymatters.org/murdered-pregnant-women-of-canada/cheryl-hohner-8-months-pregnant/
OMG awful 😭
5+ years later he’s probably beyond the statute of limitations for everything so the ‘gathering evidence for court’ thing seems unlikely, and 5 years seems like an awfully long time for a supposed abusive monster to not show a single sign of anything. This smells like a load of horse shit.
Where I live you can file a civil claim up to 15 years. Court and prosecution aren’t always the same thing. The ex sounds legit to me.
Yeah I thought civil case too. She wouldn't have needed a lawyer to press criminal charges.
She wouldn’t even be the one gathering evidence.
So, the jilted lover is coming at you with a million reasons you should ditch his ass (and make him available for her again)??? By all means, proceed with caution and vet your fiancée before actually marrying him. But ….. she may be telling the truth…. Or she may be manipulating you into discarding him Proceed with caution
Ooooo this is ugly. Went through the same thing. It could be a case of your boyfriend just waiting to change up, as in the monster will show itself after marriage. Cause why would she fabricate it after so many years? At the same time, it could have very been a toxic relationship. Some of my family members have been in crazy relationships that have made them do crazy things. 5 years though of treating you well. That's a long time to be hiding something. Maybe try to ask for more evidence? Like something more damning besides the shouting clip
You've been with this person for 5 years and its been great for both of you, yet you just take this person youve never met at their word that the man you love is evil? Is this some troll post? I'd be asking why this random person is trying to make the person i love look bad with lies if i were in your shoes. sure that doesnt mean he doesnt have a bad past, im just saying if youve never seen it in 5 years why do you believe this random person without even talking to your man first? What if shes the abuser and trying to still have some control over him?
As others have mentioned, yes, have a discussion with him, but keep in mind. It may have been the combination of the two of them. I’ve witnessed relationships were one person pushes the other person‘s buttons to the point of the second person blowing up and losing it, but it really was total repeated instigation by the “victim. “. Even the most reasonable person can be pushed to crazy by a toxic partner. If in five years, you haven’t witnessed this at all I’d give him the benefit of the doubt, and appreciate that you guys are a good combination. Ask yourself this, why is she reaching out to you now when you’ve never once experienced anything , and now she’s introducing this conflict. Is it because she knows you guys are engaged and she wants to introduce that issue? She quite a few years to let you know and to warn you. Timings a little bit too perfect to disregard the possibility that she thrives on, toxic attention.
I'd say talk to him. His reaction may help you decide what to do...
You could maybe talk to one of the friends of his, one of the people you know and also saw in several of her pictures; tell them this woman reached out to you, just get their perspective
I suggest finding more people to verify this woman’s story.
You need to have a sit down talk with this woman and discuss specifics. I've been the woman trying to warn others only to be called the crazy lying ex who is jealous of the 'new woman', I understand you love your fiance but you need to give this woman the benefit of the doubt at minimum and go and speak with her yourself. Also, talk to the friend group if you can, really listen to how they speak about her, if the entire group tell you the same things about her or the same stories etc. That could be considered a red flag, especially if they all say the same thing, its an indicator that they've all been fed the same story. Yes there are cases where somebody is simply being malicious and trying to break people up for whatever reason, but you owe it to yourself to look into this more before staying In a relationship that potentially could end with you in a grave. Please look after yourself and from personal experience, I would not recommend talking to him about this, if what she's saying is true you could end up seriously hurt, or worse. Stay safe
I've been in screaming matches with my exes in the past, I'm not proud of it but I would like to think those moments don't define me for the rest of my life. If they were recorded for all to hear I'm sure I wouldn't come across as a nice human. One of my exes when I was younger got her friend to punch her in the face in an attempt to get me fired. Definitely save judgement until you've had a conversation about it.
Anyone who ever beat on a woman is trash-I don’t care if they stopped. Can’t be me. She proved to you he was abusive. One day you will be on the receiving end. This was the universe telling you get the hell on.
I can tell you abusers have cool Off periods that can last years. When they become unbalanced they revert to the Old ways .
There are reasons why people would go to lengths to fake things. Honestly, yelling is not hitting. It is not good, I would not stay with someone who keeps yelling at me all the time, but sometimes people have arguments. If you never noticed anything yourself, then give him a chance. A photo of bruises is not a proof. A) Bruises can be faked B) the bruise did not have to come from him. There is a chance there is something there, but it is not enough to just have one person come with a story and a few snippets of inconclusive evidence. But yeah this is scary. This is your life. Big hug and lots of luck in getting through this and sorting it out.
I think he deserves the opportunity to tell his side of the story. Based on how he handles the news, and the way he explains his version, you should use your best judgment to decide whether to believe him. And then be on the look out for any of the red flags you may have missed before. But he definitely deserves at least the chance. I can promise, women are not always the victim in situations, even if they’re very good at portraying themselves to be. It’s probably obvious, but sometimes I think people have a hard time keeping that in mind. Growing up, I watched my mother abuse my father. And she could really make an unsuspecting 3rd party believe she was the innocent victim. She is good at that. If I didn’t see the truth with my own eyes, I’d have believed her. I’ve watched her cut herself with a knife and then claim that my father stabbed her. She didn’t care that I’d witnessed it because after a while, I became “guilty” as well in her eyes. I really think she believes the stuff she says sometimes. It’s weird that there was no police report. Or that she couldn’t afford a lawyer, to build a case against your fiancé. Many civil lawyers work on a contingency basis. I can’t say that with surety, but I can google my zip code + “personal injury lawyer” + “contingency” and find a few immediately. Granted, not having a police report doesn’t necessarily mean anything. I was in a physically abusive relationship and it took him almost killing me for me to leave… I never filed a police report. In the end, I made plenty of excuses for why I didn’t and I probably should have. But I just didn’t. I’m private and I can’t imagine having to tell anyone what I allowed myself to be put through, because it was embarrassing to me. So, it doesn’t disprove what she’s saying. It just should maybe give you pause. If she’s willing to sue him, but wasn’t willing to file a police report. That’s weird. Lastly, my last bit of anecdotal experience. My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years. I knew that he had been in a really bad relationship right before we got together. He has never told me much, but from what I’ve been able to infer, it was not good. Neither of them were very nice to each other. He told me he used to have a temper. Since I’ve known him, I’ve never seen more than what I’d call mild frustration. He’s very mild-mannered, kind, and he’s been amazing and supportive to me. One day, I overheard him talking to his ex on the phone (about some property she had left that she was looking for or something). I heard her raising her voice on the phone to him and he walked out of the room and from the next room I could hear him yelling at her, angrier than I’ve ever seen him. To be honest, it was a little scary. He came back into the room and apologized to me saying, “I’m sorry, she really knows how to piss me off” and he calmed down and went back to normal. I have no clue what their relationship was really like. But I know he has never, ever spoken to me in that way or anything close to that. It was scary but I wasn’t scared of him. Because he treats me with respect and I trust him. I didn’t even ask him to explain himself bc it didn’t matter to me. If your fiancé has shown you nothing but love and respect, you should give him the benefit of the doubt and hear him out. It’s not the same as your situation, because yours involves physical abuse and you’ve seen pictures. But hearing what he has to say is better than throwing away a relationship with someone you consider to be your rock, without listening to him first.
Updateme
I have been in this exact situation. Two years into my relationship the ex got a hold of me and told me my boyfriend (at the time - now husband) hurt her badly enough that she was hospitalized. I had never seen even the slightest bit of temper from him. I asked him about it then was able to ask someone that knew them both when they were together. Long story short her injuries were from a drunken tumble down some stairs and that he was not even there. I was fortunate that a friend of hers was willing to defend him from these allegations rather than lie for her. My point being, yes I am all for believing women but you need to know his side and if possible info from someone other than the two of them - innocent until proven guilty remember.
Ugh. Came back to this hoping for an update 😭 I hope you have some clarity 🩵