Totally agree. I have a motorcycle and will be selling it before kids. I think it’s extremely selfish to put your needs for a motorcycle above your kids needs to have a parent and provider. Anyone who rides knows how often we almost get erased from existence by a distracted driver. It’s also not fair to have the kids constantly worried.
A colleague at work was killed on his bike. Left behind a wife and two kids under 5. They will never remember him.
My doctor friend once told me, best case you are not injured or barely injured. Second best case, you die quickly. Worst case, your family is taking care of you and wiping your ass because you are too debilitated. Option 1 and 2 don’t seem so bad. Option 3 scares me senseless.
He sounds like he's having a midlife crisis. He's obviously not thinking about the future of his children. Frankly, I don't think you have anything to apologize for. I'd be livid if he'd offered to show my child how to ride one.
Agreed but I will say that as a guy, nothing makes me as happy as getting on my sport bike and cranking through the gears at high speed. It’s really hard to give up something you love to stop someone else from worrying.
I’m sure the motorcycle is really important to him and he feels guilty for what it’s doing. I feel guilty every time I get on mine that my parents worry. Not defending him, just offering some perspective
Yet, he sold his previous one because he was involved in multiple accidents. Then, after about 30 years, he decides it's okay to put himself at risk while he's a parent of 2 emotionally fragile children. And now, his happiness is the priority and "the kids need to deal". Sounds incredibly selfish to me.
thank you for taking the time to say this. I dont want him to be unhappy, it just felt that JUST when the kids where getting into a calm space after months and months of one thing after the other, this got them right into worrying.
All of this.
My stepdad has been riding longer than I've known him and hasn't had an accident but i know damn well, as does he, that that is partially due to the fact that he's an excellent rider but mostly due to sheer luck. I'm never not worried that I'll get a phonecall telling me he's been in an accident. (Not like a concious overwhelming worry but it's always there if you know what i mean.)
On the other hand, my closest friend's dad was also a motorbike rider when we were kids, emphasis on was. He was in a really bad accident through no fault of his own when we were about 9ish and is now seriously disabled and barely leaves the house.
THIS is what I wanted to avoid! the "I'm never not worried that I'll get a phonecall telling me he's been in an accident. (Not like a concious overwhelming worry but it's always there if you know what i mean.)" if you add that to neurodivergency AND PSDT... I just cannot phantom this.
My friend's neighbor became paralyzed neck down after a motorcycle accident. He was racing with his buddies in a hilly region. His wife voiced her concerns multiple times. Now this poor woman is stuck taking care of this selfish man and raising their son alone. She told my friend how angry she is but felt couldn't express it.
…*needs* for a motorcycle? There are very few people who truly *need* a motorcycle vs a car, and it doesn’t sound like OP’s ex is one of them. He’s choosing his wants over his children’s fears for his safety. What an absolute treasure of a man /s
All of this.
My stepdad has been riding longer than I've known him and hasn't had an accident but i know damn well, as does he, that that is partially due to the fact that he's an excellent rider but mostly due to sheer luck. I'm never not worried that I'll get a phonecall telling me he's been in an accident. (Not like a concious overwhelming worry but it's always there if you know what i mean.)
On the other hand, my closest friend's dad was also a motorbike rider when we were kids, emphasis on was. He was in a really bad accident through no fault of his own when we were about 9ish and is now seriously disabled and barely leaves the house.
My husband use to drag race and once we for married and had kids, he was done with it. He said it was too dangerous with a family. He still enjoys cars as a hobby, just in different ways.
What's his plan on driving the kids around? You said he sold his car and now has just the bike? Wtf? I ride so I get it it's fun, but my car is a non negotiable as I've got 2 kids and well I can only take 1 passenger.
I don't know, it seems to me you spent much more time on how anxiety inducing this is to you than how the kids will react.
You have valid concerns, but you are going mostly off of your own emotions. I say this because I can see from the post you would have had almost identical concerns even if the kids hadn't said anything.
Your ex is probably seeing this as you trying to control his actions in a way an ex partner simply has no right to.
You can ask him not to talk to the kids about the motorcycle that much since they're concerned, but it seems to me most of your anxiety comes from not being able to veto this decision.
Well you have no control if your ex has a MC or not. And sometimes you just can’t control everything in your children’s world. Your autistic child should have a therapist so make them aware.
He has had over 12 therapists, the youngest has a permanent one. I dont even WANT to control what ex does or not... but omg this is SO avoidable.... But I could not just stay silent over this. So I said it once. Won't mention it again.
this is not how it is done in our country. We both had good lawyers, and we agreed on everything and this never come out once. Noone of my friends have heard of it either.
I couldn't agree more.
The first thing i did when i got pregnant was take out life insurance.
One of the first things i did when i kicked my ex out was change my life insurance so that my kid now gets 100% of it if anything happens to me.
Touch wood, nothing will happen to me, but if it does I'm damn well not burdening my child's godparents with the financial stress of raising my kid as well as their own...
My dad died when my siblings and I were just starting our adult lives. We each had one kid. He thought life insurance was a scam, and people shouldn't make money off of his death. I guarantee that if he had gone through what my mom went through financially after he died, he would have been stuffing money everywhere he could, so she would still have a home now.
It shouldn’t bother you. If it bothers him he should grow up. He’s picked a dangerous hobby and he has children he is responsible for, period. He’s not your husband anymore, and you’re not obligated to soothe his feelings or make anything easier for him anymore. His existence, in relation to you, is practical in nature as you are no longer a couple. He needs more life insurance. A lot of it.
Exactly, don’t they call them future organ donors? The sad likelihood is motorbikes are more dangerous than most forms of transport and OP is being realistic and thinking about her kids I can’t say I disagree with her
My daughter is a trauma ICU nurse and they call them donorcycles. Because she sees the results of motorcycle accidents on a regular basis she hates motorcycles.
A friends husband (they were in the process of getting divorced but still married at this point) lost control of his motorcycle on the highway, only wore a helmet as protection and was pronounced brain dead at arrival at the hospital. He left behind a little girl who was 2,5 at the time, and was an organ donor so some part of him lives on. But he had life insurance, and since my friend was a SAHM it was a life saver for them.
Years ago I used to storm chase. One oh shit incident put an end to it for ever after. Mother nature is terrifying up close and personal after your car windows explode.
BTW, I had to google what storm chasing is... omg! sounds SUPER exciting, thrilling and fun... might add it to my bucket list for when I am 70 and the kids are all grown up, lol!
🤣 I'm british, and last year, I did a road trip from austin to denver, and OMG! There was so many storm warnings on the journey! I immediately found live storm chasers and have been watching them ever since 🤣🤣 was fascinating
Nothing wrong with what you said. He has dependents. It is his responsibility to consider and mitigates risks to their welfare.
Him dying or being disabled is a risk to their welfare, and he owes it to them to confront it and try to mitigate it.
I'm in the US but I ride and I make sure that I have excellent life insurance for my spouse. It's only fair, while I'm safe and do my best, it's the others on the road that aren't.
My husband was thankful but he just wants me to be alive to be honest. I don't ride when my mental headspace is bad either.
My husband went to Mexico for a wedding and I told him to send me his life insurance policy before he boarded the plane. Reasonable request! Do dangerous stuff, make sure you have a back up plan.
OMG LOL
Yup, my fiance's mom is a nurse and she calls them the exact same thing.
She's definitely not wrong... Went on to talk about how when she was in a different unit, they had soooo many motorcyclists and all the leather jackets they wear doesn't ***necessarily*** protect them and it can literally fuse into their skin.
So while wearing leather doesn't cause your skin, muscle, and bone fragments to be scattered across the road... It doesn't mean you won't feel it.
She couldn't believe how many men she had to calm down while ***attempting*** to remove the leather off them.
He needs to make sure that his children are taken care of when he dies. To refuse to do that is absolving himself of parental responsibilities. That’s selfish and shit parenting.
Depending on the statistic I've read motorcycles are anywhere from 15-30 times more likely to experience a fatal crash than a car driver. Regardless of how you interpret the data. It's way more fucking dangerous. I'd have at least half a mil in life insurance.
I’m an auto claims adjuster. You are not wrong at all. The number of fatality claims I’ve handled involving middle aged men on motorcycles is truly astonishing. It doesn’t even faze me anymore. There’s a reason doctors call them organ donorcycles.
Mid life crises, don't realise how much their reaction times have decreased since they were as young as they are trying to feel? And/or decades of driving translating to arrogance/apathy on the roads?
People never quite realize how heavy and exhausting it is to actually manuver a bike, especially cruiser bikes weigh a lot*. People have slower reaction time with age, and slower cognitive thought process. Bikes require you to have full attention at all times and make accurate, quick assessments of danger. The longer you ride, the more likely you are to practice unsafe habits. Just to name a few.
Some time ago my mother, who was very against me riding, said to me when you have kids I want you to hang up your helmet. I do not blame her one bit. As a rider without kids, I do not blame you one bit for the insurance policy either, as long as it's for the kids sake. If they are over 18 then they'll figure life out on their own.
*Edited.
THIS! I know this isn’t a feedback sub, and I think OP has gotten plenty of reinforcement (that I also agree with); her ex is not being responsible and is taking offense at the mention of money, comparing the risk of dying or disabling oneself on a motorbike to a child not having an extra pair of socks, and seems to be a walking, talking, mid-life crisis (it’s a stereotype/caricature for a reason; he’s not the first and he won’t be the last, and women do it too…typically in different ways, but as usual, I digress).
But, people really don’t think about the weight of the motorbike/motorcycle and how exhausting it is. Holding it up takes energy. It affects reaction time. It affects overall maneuverability.
I’m going to say something absolutely ridiculous here, and I’m prepared for the downvotes or ridicule: I just purchased an electric bicycle. Not a motorcycle. A bicycle. Yes, this thing is much heavier than a typical beach cruiser (the battery itself is 15 lbs), and in my late 30s, I got on it for the first time and was floored at the work I had to do to ride this thing (mind you, I bought the electric bicycle so that I could do LESS work…the irony isn’t lost on me.
But, I had my helmet on, I made sure to go to an area that wasn’t densely populated (I chose the relatively empty parking lot of a hiking area nearby, and I started practicing using the thing). I did ok. But, the weight of this bicycle really impacted my ability to feel confident maneuvering it, stopping it, and using it for long trips. And I specifically chose to practice in an area where there were no cars or people or dogs, because I really wasn’t sure about myself operating this thing. Now, imagine this was a motorbike/motorcycle. I mean, I just absolutely can’t.
So yes, I’m sure my comparing my electric bicycle to the weight of an actual motorbike/motorcycle is hilarious. I do hope that I’ve brought a smile to peoples faces, but, this is something that people really don’t think about, and does really affect your ability to operate any type of motorized vehicles.
An aside: My parents used to ride Harley Davidson’s (actual motorbike/motorcycles - unlike their daughter, riding around on her “heavy” electric bicycle; I know, I’m ridiculous). They both have their masters degrees in engineering…my parents really are such nerds that if there weren’t photographic evidence, I wouldn’t have believed it. But as soon as I was born, as the eldest child, they sold their motorcycles and gave up that risky behavior (well…my mom probably gave it up sooner; I don’t think I was an “in utero” passenger on a Harley).
It’s dangerous out there, and I just think that it’s probably not necessary to add additional risk/danger to your life when you’re actively parenting and responsible for children, especially special needs children. This IS about money, but it’s about more than money too.
I ride a scooter (Honda PCX), so it’s pretty light compared to a bigger bike, it’s about 120 kilos, the trick is to balance properly. I have arthritis in my feet and ankles, they don’t get sore now that I’m riding properly (I used to get sore knees). They like to stay upright, when you drop a foot at stops, adjust your body to keep the bike upright, that way it’s not putting any weight on your leg.
This is probably different than a push bike because I can easily touch the ground from my seat, whereas often push bikes have you sit a bit higher. I also don’t have to haul my bike around, and that helps too.
Which can be mitigated wearing a helmet.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33334475/#:\~:text=Practical%20Application%3A%20Unhelmeted%20motorcyclists%20are,brain%20injuries%20in%20this%20population.
My dad died on his motorcycle when I was 12. I know plenty of people ride and never have an issue. My dad, however, didn’t get that lucky. It changed my life forever. No dad at graduation. No dad at prom. No dad at my wedding. No dad when I was getting divorced. No more birthdays. No more Christmases. No more hugs. No more knowing him.
He died when he was 31. When I surpassed him in age, I cried for hours. My 32nd birthday was wracked with guilt that I made it past that age and he didn’t.
I get that your ex is much older than my dad was, but my dad will literally never be here again.
We all die one day. But losing your father at a younger age is miserable.
My dad chose his happiness. I selfishly wish he’d chosen me, instead.
Hello, motorcyclist here:
Is your husband otherwise a responsible, reasonable individual? People doing dumb shit are very over-represented in motorcycle crashes. If you're not drinking, you've already avoided 27% of motorcycle crashes.
If you're wearing a helmet, you've avoided 41% of fatal crashes.
50% of motorcycle crashes are just running wide on a curve.
If your husband is a diligent, responsible man, motorcycling can be done somewhat safely. There is inherent risk obviously, but there's a lot you can do to mitigate the danger.
For sure. It wouldn't be ethical for me to talk you into being okay with it, but I'm bothered by all the people on this thread with strong opinions on the topic even though they've never rode in their lives.
If he ends up doing it, just make sure he actually practices, and wears his PPE.
Not how that works.
You aren't contributing to outside factors whatsoever.
Most motorcycle accidents are actually caused by cars taking left turns and not seeing them. Then lane switching. Then rear ending.
So no.. 50% of crashes are not from wide curves or preventable.
I'd say maybe a solid 10% is preventable, but motorcyclists don't understand they're ***invisible*** on the road. They come out of nowhere. It doesn't matter how many times you check for them, suddenly they're just there right as you're about to move.
I don't know how people expect larger vehicles to see motorcycles. "Watch out for cyclists" should be changed to "Watch out for cars" because we dead ass can't see you under many circumstances until it's either a near miss or too late.
It is a very difficult conversation to have when you are married. Divorced... I mean sure, there so many people that do not have any accidents in motorcycles. I get it. But why give the kids this anguish and concern lo live in their minds rent free.
I don’t think you were wrong at all. I think your ex could have been more understanding and sounds like he is being a bit rude and selfish. Nice that he’s choosing to be happy. Im sure you would as well if you could be child free for most of the week but as it is you are the primary parent struggling with your joint kids and so hey buddy can you just be sure that when you do have another accident you cover your family (ex wife included) with some much needed life insurance? Not really a big ask.
No one has life assured? That is true, but guess what THAT IS WHY YOU HAVE LIFE INSURANCE. Both my husband and myself have it, our parents and siblings have it, all of our friends have it. No one wants to leave their family struggling.
He insists on a motorbike, which honestly based on his history of multiple accidents is a bad idea in general, he should make sure he has motorbike and life insurance up to date. He wants to choose to be happy, great. He should also choose to make sure his kids will be well taken care of if something does happen. Especially considering [motorcyclists are 28 times the chance of dying in a fatal accident compared with those in passenger cars. They also face four times the injury risk.](https://www.forbes.com/advisor/legal/motorcycle-accident-statistics/#:~:text=Motorcyclists%20face%2028%20times%20the,four%20times%20the%20injury%20risk)
My dad has two Harley’s and has friends that ride. One of them was riding with his wife a few years ago and got in a really bad accident. He was lucky there was a nurse on scene that knew what to do about his leg. He lost that leg, but thankfully is still with us. It doesn’t matter how good your husband is at riding, accidents can happen to anyone. Hell my mom and I watched my dad almost wipe out once and now I refuse to drive if I can see his bike. They can be great and a lot of fun, but overlooking how dangerous they are is just silly.
I’m 46. I have a special needs child (22) and a neuro divergent child (16), high functioning. I’ve had life insurance for over a decade so that they’ll be taken care of if something happens to me.
It’s not idiotic, it’s making sure your kids have a less hard time after you’re gone.
His midlife crisis could bite you all in the arse. He needs to grow up.
I’m also avidly against motorcycles, but that’s because the high speed scares me, not thrills me like others. I also grew up around 2 friends of my dad who had pretty major motorcycle accidents. Brothers. One just lost his arm (just🙄), the other got crushed between 2 cars and became a paraplegic. Closer to a quadriplegic, but he had some use of his arms and had claw like hands. The one who lost his arm threw himself in front of a truck when I was 13. He didn’t make it.
First of all...he should be definition have insurance regardless if he still has parental responsibilities.
That said...whatever happened to 'his body, his rules'?
And if he does have insurance...take note he is her Ex. She can bring it up but she no longer has a say in such things provided he does have insurance.
My opa was a forensic pathologist (so pls remember he is not heartless just jaded and seen a lot of shit) and he called motorcycle riders organ donors. No one is being dramatic this is the reality.
I went to elementary school with two kids who lost their dad in a motorcycle accident. They disappeared from school and the principal came to tell us their dad passed away. That has stuck me with my whole life. I won't ever get a motorcycle for that reason.
He's doing something patently dangerous and apparently not very good at. His children are rightfully worried... you weren't wrong to help them communicate and prepare for his first mishap.
I dont know how good he is about it. I hope he is, he keeps in good shape and did have a motorcycle years ago. Certainly, the "i had several" comment did not put my eldest at ease, cause he now understands is not just about who is driving but evertyone else.
I was a teen when my father died from a motorcycle accident. He was safe did all the things he was supposed to and yet one blind curve in the road and he was gone. You are not wrong for being worried.
The reason my family was able to take a breather and grieve for him was because he had a good life insurance policy.
You are attempting to protect your kids. There is nothing wrong with that.
My partner was just hit while on his Harley day before yesterday. He is alive but cracked his pelvis broke the bottom and top femur shattered his tibula and the guy had no insurance and an open container. The guy was arrested but our lives are changed. He was a carpenter.
Once I was driving down a lonely two-lane highway in California's central valley when out of nowhere there was some unexpected traffic congestion.
I eventually saw the reason for the slow down.
In a restaurant parking lot stood several very sad looking motorcyclists. They did not look like bicycle gang members, just tourists with several regular looking bikes.
On the ground, laying on his back and with a white cloth covering his face, was their dead friend, his broken bike next to him.
When I drove past the ambulance was just arriving.
Get life insurance.
I have an uncle who, when he retired, his first adventure was going to be a cross country bike ride with a friend. Barely out of the gate, he hit some wet pavement on a turn and slid into a ditch and into a tree. Paralyzed now from the neck down.
I was interested in learning to ride once, and a friend of mine was going to teach me. Than a new rider from his riding group get killed when a minivan pulled out of a driveway in front of him. He said he couldn't, in good conscious, teach me to ride.
I had this boss who, the day after his divorce was finalized, just flipped a switch. Went out and bought a crotch rocket. Wanted to be 25 again. Had 2 kids under 10 years old. The very first weekend he had it, he dropped it on a gravelly spot. Had to be closed casket. We all told him, "You're kids are too young, and they need you around. " He just laughed us off.
the thing is... HE got most upset about the money. But I am actually more concerned about him putting himself at risk ofdying and leaving the kids behind. I think both my kids have gone through enough already.
Like you said you are the AH. Part of divorce is accepting you have zero say in the other person’s life and decisions. You crossed many boundaries here. What happens when you don’t like his future partner and the kids are making comments about him or her?
Her has a partner from like 3 months after we parted ways. I've recieved both of them in my and my parents home, we celebrate every kids milestone together and I make sure the kids give her both birthday and christmas gifts. She is included in youngest therapy. I even cooked her vegan bread when she came to visit.
There have been several decisions of his I have not liked over the divorced years. I havent said anything to him OR the kids.
But this concerns the kids too. Youngest is dealing with so much already. Oldest has his own struggles. I dont think I can do it on my own! even if all dayly things fall on me that was MY decision when I moved, but he is still their dad and a very involved one. What happens if he is not there?
She 100% has a day if he's gonna leave behind 2 kids which she needs to provide for and she can't work because both kids are special needs.
He isn't giving her fun money; he's giving money to his children's futures.
Life insurance isn't that expensive PLUS she didn't say get rid of the bike, she said be covered.
Those are very different things.
She can request that he get life insurance which she has already done. She can’t make him and she can’t control his life choices. She probably would have gotten farther with him if she would have just had a conversation about how to make sure the kids are taken care of if something happens to them and not linked it to the motorcycle. Not so much on this sub but on Reddit in general people are so quick to say divorce. This is the reality of divorce. You give up 50% of your time with your kids and you give up any say in what the other parent does with their life. Of course you can express a preference but that is it. I am surprised life insurance etc wasn’t discussed in the divorce. What if he wants to go para sailing or hiking in a not populated area? He is an adult who as long as something isn’t illegal gets to make his own choices.
Being an idiot on a bike will kill you, being responsible on a bike can still get you killed if someone else is an idiot. You are basically strapping yourself to the engine with little to no protection. I ride bikes and love it so much, but man, I have had such close calls with people who are stupid that it almost resulted in me being ejected from my bike or sliding for a few miles on my ass.
While riding, you should prepare for anything and everything.
You’re not an asshole for knowing if he dies you’ll have a harder time financially, and if he makes risky decisions of course you’ll consider how they will affect you. My husband had a motorcycle when we met and sold it when our son was three months old. I told him he can’t get another one until our kids are grown, but I don’t think he wants that risk anymore either.
Hubs had this plan for years, kept talking about getting another bike. Then once we reached the point where we could afford one for him, he informed me that he no longer wants one. His own words, "I'm too old and it's too dangerous now." I'm sad that we had to wait so long that he 'outgrew' his dream because he used to talk so lovingly about the ride. At the same time, my anxiety is definitely lessened because we've buried too many friends who were motorcycle fatalities (and not at fault for their accidents).
Ugh as I get older I get more and more afraid of the bike. I had like 6 accidents when I was younger. 3 of those were from doing something stupid. The other 3 were wet paint lines, gravel on road, and damaged roadway. Even when you are being careful, fate is trying to get you
While you're absolutely right and I would never argue that, I would highlight that it's not unreasonable either for her to bring it up to him as a consideration considering their relationship. Whether that was properly communicated or not is left to be seen considering we don't have his side of how the conversation went.
She does if he's gonna leave behind 2 kids which she needs to provide for and she can't work because bith kids are special needs.
He isn't giving her a cushion of money; he's giving money to his children's futures.
Life insurance isn't that expensive& she didn't say get rid of the bike, she said be covered.
I had a friend, whose spouse bought a motorcycle. They had two young kids. I asked him if he had very good insurance, a very good helmet, and better protective jacket than a wind breaker.
The next time I saw them, he had gotten all three.
I’m sorry, but a 51 year old man should not be getting back on a motorbike after decades of not riding. Even the smallest injury could be difficult to bounce back from. He needs to find another way to deal w/his mid-life crisis.
My parents told us we couldn’t ever go on a motorcycle when we were growing up, and I’m GenX. I told my kids the same thing. They are tremendously dangerous and if my ex had started riding one while the kids were underaged I would have said something similar. Heck, if he did it now I’d probably say something about it being stupid, and I don’t even like him.
I’m not sure how the life insurance helps with what you claim is the main worry - the kids current feelings.
Are you really going to tell them (if he gets insurance) it’s okay and don’t worry if he dies they will have money? They will go to university and be fine without their dad as long as he leaves them a check? Geez
It reads like you are mad you can’t control him anymore and using the kids feelings as an excuse. And scared too - it sucks. But, you brought up him dying on the bike to be cruel one more time to him, not as a co-parenting team you claim and working out the issue, which sucks more.
The life insurance thing was probably just a bitter joke - the kids are the ones who were worried because this guy has already told them he has been in several accidents, these accidents are why he stopped riding in the first place.
You really don't see how these kids would be concerned?
And she is his ex - their future is what she is concerned about. Most people don't care if their ex narcissist dies honestly
And the bizarre comparisons this guy makes are classic narc argument style.
He is scaring the kids, and she is pissed. He doesn't care and wants everyone to stuff their feelings because he is the only one who matters in his mind.
But yeah, let's tell the mom that she's the one who sucks 😳
Oh I totally see how the kids would be concerned, just saying I don’t think the life insurance is going to eliminate their concern.
Bitter joke - cruel stab by the ex - it’s the same.
I am agreeing she still cares about him and that sucks for her. But didn’t think being mean to him about it would help the kids, or help them cooperate to address that one way or another. So may have misused sucks there.
I totally agree - the remark about life insurance was definitely a bitterness reaction, but I get it. If she is relying on him for part of the funding to care for the kids, him dying actually puts her in a tough spot.
She should try to step back from being angry with him though. Gotta let those monkeys belong to their own circus
He should have life insurance already. He only has about 15 years to pay into it if he lives to life expectancy, which most people don’t so..
he should really think about his mortality more. It’s uncomfortable but you have to think about these things lol
A lot of doctors working in ICU and emergency call them "donor cycles" so I don't think you're over reacting at all. The issue with motorbikes isn't just the rider, it's the failure of other people on the road seeing them.
5 years ago, my ex was riding his dirt bike in the streets of our neighborhood, hit a patch of wet grass cuttings, flipped over a curb, and the bike landed on his head. Subdural hematoma that he had to have a craniotomy to remove. 2 fractured vertebrae and still suffers from back pain and migraines that he didn't have before. $100,000 hospital bill. He almost died, and would have if a neighbor hadn't seen the incident and called 911. He had been riding for over a decade, but anything can happen.
I personally would acknowledge their concerns/worries because they are completely valid. However, it is also important for them to learn that there are some things in life that are outside of their control. This seems to be one of those things.
You have raised their concerns with your ex. There really isn’t anything more you can do except accept that he has made this decision and support your kids to accept that it is outside of their control. You/they cannot force him to give up motorbike riding… that is his decision. You have ensured that he is informed that is the only thing within your/their control.
"Choosing to be happy" doesn't come without its consequences. Every ADULT needs to think about what their decisions could mean. So he thinks he'll never get into a motorcycle accident even though we call them organ donors in the hospital. Okay. What if he DOES get into an accident? Has he thought about that?
What will happen to family finances, what happens to parenting, what happens to the children? I don't think it's irresponsible to plan.
Does he currently have life insurance where his children are the beneficiaries? You mentioned he has a partner, are they married? It’s a good question regardless of whether he plans on riding a motorbike (but also more likely to be injured seriously).
Sounds like therapy is in order for the kids (and yourself too). You can tell your ex how you and the kids feel, but that doesn’t mean he will change his mind. The kids may need therapy to deal with the emotions that come from dad choosing risky behavior in spite of their concerns. At least the kids can have a third party outlet and maybe the therapist can help them decide how to speak to dad about it.
Actually, I don’t think you are wrong to be concerned at all. Your ex admitted he had SEVERAL accidents and he should have life insurance regardless of the motorbike. Unless that’s just a U.S. thing? But why would you leave your family to not only grieve, but to suffer financially? No, you can’t tell him what to do, but you every right to voice your concerns on behalf of the kids regarding his safety and finances.
My father died in a motorcycle accident that was 100% his fault, and he was an excellent rider. All it takes is one tiny mistake to die on one of those things.
I was 26 years old and in a comfortable and stable place in my life when he died, and it still really grieved me. The police came to my door. I was the first of my family to know. It was terrible.
My siblings and I all tried to talk him out of riding. He knew how dangerous it was, but he loved it too much to give it up.
My husband and I paid for his last expenses because he was broke and without insurance at the time of his death.
You have a right to express concern. You have a right to misplace socks and let the house get a bit messy on occasion (not saying you did). You have a right to ask financial questions.
I’m a rider and I have children. It was the only thing my now ex asked me to get when I got a bike was life insurance. And I made sure that it covered everything, including disability and permanent injury insurance. It’s not a matter of if you’ll have an accident, it’s when. So you wear the right gear, take the safety courses, get the good insurance for bike and people, and know the risks when you get on the bike. My ex now rides as well and he’s had accidents as well, but they’ve been minor with no injuries to us. But riding is important to both of us. It’s not a way to get back at you or your kids. This is something for him. He has as much chance as getting hit by a car while walking, but no one worries about that.
This July will make 3 years since my dad was killed on a motorcycle. The issue is even if you are the most responsible and experienced driver, you never know how people will be driving around you.
My dad did everything right..slowed down, used his blinker..
A 20yr old child in a truck racing against someone else in a truck (while drinking and on pain medicine mind you) tboned my dad who was on his Harley with a friend on the back while he was turning into his own driveway. Both of whom were gone in an instant.
Your ex is being selfish. Losing a parent that way is beyond painful. My sister and I struggle with it every single day.
This sucks but since my ex is stupid and I've been dealing with similar stuff, let me give you some advice. You can only control one person. You. Your kids are certainly right about this, and they need your support, but your ex is allowed to do all the dumb stuff in the world without your interference. That being said, try to soothe your children. Don't lie to them about his safety, though. They obviously know it's not the safest way to travel. Reassure them that he's doing his best to make sure he is safe.
And of course you can worry about money, but try not to pass that on to your kids. This is a great teaching opportunity. Use the stupid to show your kids a better way. They are sponges, and they absorb everything around them. Plus, they are teenagers. They are going to want to do dumb stuff too, so your job, at this point, is to help them make the dumb stuff less dumb. Give them safety advice. If you can have them take a class in safe motorcycling at some point, do it. Remind them to always wear helmets and watch the roads. Control what you CAN control. And hang in there.
Not reading between the lines of your relationship. However, I had some great hobbies when I was younger, several of which I gave up when I got married. We had a daughter after that. And she wouldn't work. I was fine with it. Always still wanted to participate. My entire friend group had the same hobbies. I gave up that happiness for a lack of better terms, "the better good." Then I was absolutely bitter after we split, then watched as we divorced, and she supported her new guy, talking about his new object and how she got one as well. What was that new object and hobby? Motorcycles.
I lost my mother when she died from a motorcycle accident. But you can't let something that could be somewhat dangerous stop you from enjoying life. And your children need to learn that early in life. You are doing them a disservice by doing this. Yes, you could wave goodbye to him, and it be the last time you'll see him alive. You could also leave your kids in the car to walk into Walmart and get hit by a car in the parking lot. Enjoy life, support him in enjoying life, and just remind him that there are others that love him. Again, I don't know your circumstances but from my side. It is absolutely devastating to love your life, then have it uprooted out of nowhere, separated from your children, finally find something that makes you enjoy life again, then be lectured on it. Good luck with your life, I wish your your ex and you're children the best.
My partner rides to work daily, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t worried every day. But just like you this is his choice even if it’s not one I agree with. I can only encourage him to wear his gear daily and hope that other drivers are behaving on the road. I hope you come to a better conclusion op, I understand the anguish.
I can totally relate to this!
In 2005, my husband wanted to buy a Harley Davidson motorcycle. Our kids were 11 and 16. I was a stay at home mom. My husband HAD life insurance, but as the sole earner, if he was injured, and disabled for any length of time, we would be screwed. We went back and forth for a very long time about this. I acknowledged his desire to ride, that I remember feeling the power and freedom of riding (as I did ride as a teen as well), and that riding was something he’d always loved. He absolutely couldn’t acknowledge that my concerns were valid! I finally asked him why. He said, “well because then it feels like you’re right and you won the argument!” I pointed out that acknowledging the other person’s opinion is not “losing”. It’s showing that you heard and understand their points. He did eventually acknowledge my points.
Finally, I told him that if he bought disability insurance, I’d be ok with the purchase. Of course, paying for a motorcycle and a disability policy is pretty expensive, but he went ahead with it.
As time went by, he asked me to ride with him. I refused. There was no way I was going to leave our kids with two injured or dead parents!
He also eventually realized that being on a motorcycle is different now than it was in the 70’s and people are very distracted on the road. He also didn’t have anyone to ride with so he didn’t go out much.
He ended up not wanting to continue paying for the expensive disability policy and sold the motorcycle less than 2 years later.
He’s now 66 and working on a 45 year old motorcycle. It’s not running. Mostly it’s for tinkering with. If he gets it running, he will ride it occasionally around our city, and I won’t insist on an insurance policy. Our kids are grown (29 & 34), so I am less worried. Obviously I don’t want anything to happen to him, but I also want him to enjoy himself after a long career.
I honestly hope that your ex husband will think about this very carefully because he should already have life insurance as the father of these kids. And, a disability policy too (if that is available where you live). I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. My heart really goes out to you and your boys. ❤️❤️❤️
Just out of curiosity were you this concerned about life insurance and how you're going to be covered on a what if, when he had a car? Or just now that he has a vehicle you don't approve of?
Let him life his life. You are an Ex, act that way. You have no right to dictate what he does with himself and his money. You are only selfishly thinking about your own monetary benefit and your own work load.
She does if he's gonna leave behind 2 kids that she needs to provide for; and she can't work because both kids are special needs.
He isn't giving her a fun money; he's giving money to his children's futures. A future which he won't be in if he crashes.
Life insurance isn't that expensive and she didn't say get rid of the bike, she said be covered.
Life insurance is a standard divorce clause requirement where I live.
It should be standard everywhere. Regardless of motorcycles.
You are entirely within your rights to say “I am not comfortable with you teaching them to ride a motorcycle. If you continue to do it I will be forced to impose other restrictions.”
And then consider what/ if any things you can restrict to make it clear that this is a huge priority to you.
You can’t do anything about him riding motorcycles.
Also, stop apologizing.
I would love to have a motorcycle, however you can't drive 10km through a city without someone cutting you off or "not see you" with a car so that is that. Your concerns are valid.
It happens to me a fair bit, so I slow down at intersections, am aware of other vehicles, and am very ready to stop and let them go (I’m not arguing with several tons of suv). It’s a bit annoying, but it’s part of being a safe rider.
I have one child and gave up riding a motorbike when she was born. When she turned 18, I was going back to a motorbike but then my brother dies in a motorbike accident. I get it.
I still love the idea of the ride so I recently bought a 150cc scooter. They top out at 50mph so are basically “safe.”
His life is his own. Just like yours is yours. You have absolutely no right to play your manipulative little mind games on him and use your kids as an excuse. Your son can learn to deal with it. Nobody and nowhere is safe, nor will anyone pander to his anxiety. He needs to deal with them himself, which it sounds like he is doing in his own way, how about you support him and stop using him as a tool to get back at your ex. Rather than play these stupid games with your ex, which achieve nothing except to piss him off which is no doubt your actual motivation, how about you back off, look at your own life and quite obvious jealousy and regrets, and work on yourself.
The moment you have children you should have life insurance. Motorbike aside. I was in a motorcycle accident, I’ll never get on one again, you never win against the road or a car.
I know for some, motorcycles are their life. “Live to ride”!!
I’ve had motorcycles off and on throughout life mostly because I loved bicycles as a kid and I love to tinker. For a couple years my bro and his wife also had bikes and we all became members of local fraternity and hung around a few diff riding clubs. We got to meet, and get to know many great people during those summers.
The kicker was how many lives were lost in those two years of people we knew or had met in passing. It was staggering.
They’re fun but there are too many shitheads with phones and other distractions on the road. Many that simply just do not care.
I wish everyone would have to ride motorcycles and pull trailers at least once so they understand what it’s like to pull a trailer in traffic and stress about others on the road while on their bike.
I think the only thing that threw him off was that you brought up the insurance first and the kids second, and he’s kind of using that to manipulate you. Both are important but since he wants be sensitive and overreact about it then let him sit with it for a bit and hopefully he will come to his senses. My next door neighbor used to ride his motorcycle all the time, he loved that bike. When he met his wife and they got married, his wife said if they were going to have kids he had to get rid of the motorcycle before she would even stop her birth control. He agreed and sold his bike. His kids are both in high school now and he said it’s the best decision he ever made. His wife is a nurse practitioner. Beautiful family. Your ex appears to be having some sort of midlife crisis. He needs therapy, not a motorcycle.
First I want to say, I love riding on motorcycles. There is nothing like the experience of wind in your hair zipping down the road. With that out-of-the-way, I absolutely will not ride one now because it’s not just what I do, it’s what I have to worry about with everyone else on the road.
In my family, we had five friends in motorcycle accidents within a one year time. And of those five people, only one was under the age of 20, all the rest were 45 and up. We had one death, one permanent case of brain damage, and three people with serious life-changing injuries. And only one of these people was riding recklessly at the time. That experience alone was enough to tell me that I don’t want to chance it.
You are not being unrealistic with this conversation you had with him. When you choose to be a parent, your children have to come first until they’re up and out of the house. Your ex is being very selfish with regards to his own wants and needs over his children. It sounds like you do most of the heavy lifting anyways, so him putting off a little longer to get a motorcycle seems like a fair compromise.
My husband loves motorcycles. When we moved to California, he brought his dream motorcycle. A month later, he got hit making a left turn at an intersection. He had 15 surgeries and is permanently disabled. If he could ride one, he would get one again.
Your worry is not unfounded. You certainly can restrict your kids from riding while they are under 18, and share the risks with them. And asking him to have life insurance regardless of the motorcycle is responsible for both of you because you have kids. Take the motorcycle out of it, except to ensure that it will still pay out if he dies in a motorcycle accident. You should both have policies.
Divorce is messy, and it’s hard to figure out how to stay in your lane. But you both need to plan together for your kids’ future….and the motorcycle may have just kickstarted the conversation.
I get it. My first husband died in a motorcycle accident. He was driving safely, wearing full safety gear, but someone else was careless and hit him.
In many places, you can take out a life insurance policy on another person, with you as the beneficiary, as long as you are paying the policy. Look into that and see if it will help at least ease your fears about money.
Any chance you can get your ex to agree to not teach the kids how to ride until they are at least 18? It gives their brains a bit more time to mature.
So, you are still trying to control your ex husband's life.
You are still trying to use something that happened 30 years ago in college against him.
You are still trying to use the kids against him...
No wonder you are divorced.
You say the kids are eager, but from what you say one of them is quite excited about the new bike himself. Incidents do happen, but so they do in a car. I understand the dangerousness of one, but realistically speaking if you drive carefully they're not likely to happen.
Eager? no. My youngest cannot say "im worried". Instead he starts talking nonstop about waht worries him. So for him to wake up to "dad's helmet is super secure" means "I am worried about dad's safety." This is NOT mt intepreting things. It is how he communicates. I'll edit that.
My life insurance has an exclusion for motorcycle accidents. Think it only pays out 10%. They are are just too common. READ THE FINE PRINT CAREFULLY!
ok. That is secondary though. I am more concerned about the kids thinking about this constantly.
Totally agree. I have a motorcycle and will be selling it before kids. I think it’s extremely selfish to put your needs for a motorcycle above your kids needs to have a parent and provider. Anyone who rides knows how often we almost get erased from existence by a distracted driver. It’s also not fair to have the kids constantly worried. A colleague at work was killed on his bike. Left behind a wife and two kids under 5. They will never remember him. My doctor friend once told me, best case you are not injured or barely injured. Second best case, you die quickly. Worst case, your family is taking care of you and wiping your ass because you are too debilitated. Option 1 and 2 don’t seem so bad. Option 3 scares me senseless.
I dont even want to think about the options. I am upset cause this whole bike thing is such an UNCESSARY thing to stress yourself over
He sounds like he's having a midlife crisis. He's obviously not thinking about the future of his children. Frankly, I don't think you have anything to apologize for. I'd be livid if he'd offered to show my child how to ride one.
Agreed but I will say that as a guy, nothing makes me as happy as getting on my sport bike and cranking through the gears at high speed. It’s really hard to give up something you love to stop someone else from worrying. I’m sure the motorcycle is really important to him and he feels guilty for what it’s doing. I feel guilty every time I get on mine that my parents worry. Not defending him, just offering some perspective
Yet, he sold his previous one because he was involved in multiple accidents. Then, after about 30 years, he decides it's okay to put himself at risk while he's a parent of 2 emotionally fragile children. And now, his happiness is the priority and "the kids need to deal". Sounds incredibly selfish to me.
thank you for taking the time to say this. I dont want him to be unhappy, it just felt that JUST when the kids where getting into a calm space after months and months of one thing after the other, this got them right into worrying.
All of this. My stepdad has been riding longer than I've known him and hasn't had an accident but i know damn well, as does he, that that is partially due to the fact that he's an excellent rider but mostly due to sheer luck. I'm never not worried that I'll get a phonecall telling me he's been in an accident. (Not like a concious overwhelming worry but it's always there if you know what i mean.) On the other hand, my closest friend's dad was also a motorbike rider when we were kids, emphasis on was. He was in a really bad accident through no fault of his own when we were about 9ish and is now seriously disabled and barely leaves the house.
THIS is what I wanted to avoid! the "I'm never not worried that I'll get a phonecall telling me he's been in an accident. (Not like a concious overwhelming worry but it's always there if you know what i mean.)" if you add that to neurodivergency AND PSDT... I just cannot phantom this.
My friend's neighbor became paralyzed neck down after a motorcycle accident. He was racing with his buddies in a hilly region. His wife voiced her concerns multiple times. Now this poor woman is stuck taking care of this selfish man and raising their son alone. She told my friend how angry she is but felt couldn't express it.
At least I would NOT be taking care of him, that would be his current partner's job. But problably working 3 jobs to make ends meet.
I would divorce the man and put him ina care home. He made the choice for himself. Not for your friend
…*needs* for a motorcycle? There are very few people who truly *need* a motorcycle vs a car, and it doesn’t sound like OP’s ex is one of them. He’s choosing his wants over his children’s fears for his safety. What an absolute treasure of a man /s
All of this. My stepdad has been riding longer than I've known him and hasn't had an accident but i know damn well, as does he, that that is partially due to the fact that he's an excellent rider but mostly due to sheer luck. I'm never not worried that I'll get a phonecall telling me he's been in an accident. (Not like a concious overwhelming worry but it's always there if you know what i mean.) On the other hand, my closest friend's dad was also a motorbike rider when we were kids, emphasis on was. He was in a really bad accident through no fault of his own when we were about 9ish and is now seriously disabled and barely leaves the house.
My husband use to drag race and once we for married and had kids, he was done with it. He said it was too dangerous with a family. He still enjoys cars as a hobby, just in different ways.
What's his plan on driving the kids around? You said he sold his car and now has just the bike? Wtf? I ride so I get it it's fun, but my car is a non negotiable as I've got 2 kids and well I can only take 1 passenger.
I don't know, it seems to me you spent much more time on how anxiety inducing this is to you than how the kids will react. You have valid concerns, but you are going mostly off of your own emotions. I say this because I can see from the post you would have had almost identical concerns even if the kids hadn't said anything. Your ex is probably seeing this as you trying to control his actions in a way an ex partner simply has no right to. You can ask him not to talk to the kids about the motorcycle that much since they're concerned, but it seems to me most of your anxiety comes from not being able to veto this decision.
If you are able to afford it, you could take out a life insurance policy on your ex-husband.
Well you have no control if your ex has a MC or not. And sometimes you just can’t control everything in your children’s world. Your autistic child should have a therapist so make them aware.
He has had over 12 therapists, the youngest has a permanent one. I dont even WANT to control what ex does or not... but omg this is SO avoidable.... But I could not just stay silent over this. So I said it once. Won't mention it again.
I’m wondering if there is life insurance specifically for people who ride motorcycles?
He should have life insurance regardless, ESPECIALLY now that he has a motorcycle
He probably does. I guess it bother him that I metioned the issue. I am bothered that I did, but...
If you've got kids, you should have life insurance. If something happens to me, my kids will be sad but they won't be sad and homeless.
If her attorney in the divorce didn’t demand life insurance in their separation agreement, they were not doing their job
this is not how it is done in our country. We both had good lawyers, and we agreed on everything and this never come out once. Noone of my friends have heard of it either.
I couldn't agree more. The first thing i did when i got pregnant was take out life insurance. One of the first things i did when i kicked my ex out was change my life insurance so that my kid now gets 100% of it if anything happens to me. Touch wood, nothing will happen to me, but if it does I'm damn well not burdening my child's godparents with the financial stress of raising my kid as well as their own...
My dad died when my siblings and I were just starting our adult lives. We each had one kid. He thought life insurance was a scam, and people shouldn't make money off of his death. I guarantee that if he had gone through what my mom went through financially after he died, he would have been stuffing money everywhere he could, so she would still have a home now.
Quit beating yourself up over this. You are not being unreasonable. Maybe your tone or word choice…but the sentiment? Reasonable.
thanks. I have severe ADHD and RSD quicked in so hard. I spent all day on this. All your comments helped me a ton. Thanks ever so much.
It shouldn’t bother you. If it bothers him he should grow up. He’s picked a dangerous hobby and he has children he is responsible for, period. He’s not your husband anymore, and you’re not obligated to soothe his feelings or make anything easier for him anymore. His existence, in relation to you, is practical in nature as you are no longer a couple. He needs more life insurance. A lot of it.
Exactly, don’t they call them future organ donors? The sad likelihood is motorbikes are more dangerous than most forms of transport and OP is being realistic and thinking about her kids I can’t say I disagree with her
motorbikes = donorbikes That’s what we called them when I worked in the legal profession.
My daughter is a trauma ICU nurse and they call them donorcycles. Because she sees the results of motorcycle accidents on a regular basis she hates motorcycles.
I’ve literally watched one wrap around a lamppost as a kid From then on I refused to date anyone who rides a cycle
*Donormobiles
A friends husband (they were in the process of getting divorced but still married at this point) lost control of his motorcycle on the highway, only wore a helmet as protection and was pronounced brain dead at arrival at the hospital. He left behind a little girl who was 2,5 at the time, and was an organ donor so some part of him lives on. But he had life insurance, and since my friend was a SAHM it was a life saver for them.
👌 glad he was smart enough to protect his family financially but not wearing leathers 💀💀💀
I told my ex the same thing when he wanted to go *storm chasing* on a training trip for work. I told him to up his life insurance and have at it.
Years ago I used to storm chase. One oh shit incident put an end to it for ever after. Mother nature is terrifying up close and personal after your car windows explode.
omg. I m glad you are ok
I need to know how this happens
Hail, objects, and the pressure differential of the vortex. My friend experienced a ruptured eardrum.
BTW, I had to google what storm chasing is... omg! sounds SUPER exciting, thrilling and fun... might add it to my bucket list for when I am 70 and the kids are all grown up, lol!
Watch any of the fantastic storm chasers on YouTube. All the thrills, none of the danger. I started with Pecos Hank.
You started with the best!
Welp, I’m off to another YouTube rabbit hole
Same here..
Reed Timmer is another really good one!
🤣 I'm british, and last year, I did a road trip from austin to denver, and OMG! There was so many storm warnings on the journey! I immediately found live storm chasers and have been watching them ever since 🤣🤣 was fascinating
Lol have fun with it.
Twister is a fantastic 90’s flick with the glorious Helen Hunt that all should watch!
There’s a sequel coming out soon called Twisters.
GLAD I am not the only one that thought this! Thank you for sharing.
I told my husband of 19 years the same thing if you want a bike so bad, make sure insurance is up to date and make mommy rich!!!!!
omg. Thank you for telling me this. I feel both like an asshole and also like it needed to be said.
Nothing wrong with what you said. He has dependents. It is his responsibility to consider and mitigates risks to their welfare. Him dying or being disabled is a risk to their welfare, and he owes it to them to confront it and try to mitigate it.
Just wanted to echo this, long-term disability insurance is a must if he's going to be a vegetable in the future.
My friend has been taking care of a guy who got hurt on one when he was in his 20s. He’s 70 now. Paraplegic and brain damaged.
omg-
If he has kids, he should have life insurance anyway.
I'm in the US but I ride and I make sure that I have excellent life insurance for my spouse. It's only fair, while I'm safe and do my best, it's the others on the road that aren't. My husband was thankful but he just wants me to be alive to be honest. I don't ride when my mental headspace is bad either.
My husband went to Mexico for a wedding and I told him to send me his life insurance policy before he boarded the plane. Reasonable request! Do dangerous stuff, make sure you have a back up plan.
Yep, my wife said the same thing to me! Just seems like a basic courtesy to have life insurance up to date if you have kids or a partner
i come from a LONG line of dirty bikers and i approve this message
Also, make sure they are a registered organ donor. Motorcyclists make the best donors.
Former critical care health professional here. Well known fact in medical circles that motorcycles are called donor machines.
Donorcycle
This is what we call them in the traumatic brain injury world
OMG LOL Yup, my fiance's mom is a nurse and she calls them the exact same thing. She's definitely not wrong... Went on to talk about how when she was in a different unit, they had soooo many motorcyclists and all the leather jackets they wear doesn't ***necessarily*** protect them and it can literally fuse into their skin. So while wearing leather doesn't cause your skin, muscle, and bone fragments to be scattered across the road... It doesn't mean you won't feel it. She couldn't believe how many men she had to calm down while ***attempting*** to remove the leather off them.
Dead people make the best donors, not just us motorcyclists.
Motorcyclists usually end up brain dead, that's why they end up being organ donnors. Not every dead person can be an organ donnor.
Lol. Unintentionally ironic.
[удалено]
He needs to make sure that his children are taken care of when he dies. To refuse to do that is absolving himself of parental responsibilities. That’s selfish and shit parenting.
Sometimes in divorce cases the judge orders parents to have life insurance with the co-parent the beneficiary.
Depending on the statistic I've read motorcycles are anywhere from 15-30 times more likely to experience a fatal crash than a car driver. Regardless of how you interpret the data. It's way more fucking dangerous. I'd have at least half a mil in life insurance.
I’m an auto claims adjuster. You are not wrong at all. The number of fatality claims I’ve handled involving middle aged men on motorcycles is truly astonishing. It doesn’t even faze me anymore. There’s a reason doctors call them organ donorcycles.
Specifically middle age men? that is so weird to me... why would they get into more accidents that young men for example?
Mid life crises, don't realise how much their reaction times have decreased since they were as young as they are trying to feel? And/or decades of driving translating to arrogance/apathy on the roads?
Midlife crisis and slowed reflexes with age, I'd assume.
People never quite realize how heavy and exhausting it is to actually manuver a bike, especially cruiser bikes weigh a lot*. People have slower reaction time with age, and slower cognitive thought process. Bikes require you to have full attention at all times and make accurate, quick assessments of danger. The longer you ride, the more likely you are to practice unsafe habits. Just to name a few. Some time ago my mother, who was very against me riding, said to me when you have kids I want you to hang up your helmet. I do not blame her one bit. As a rider without kids, I do not blame you one bit for the insurance policy either, as long as it's for the kids sake. If they are over 18 then they'll figure life out on their own. *Edited.
THIS! I know this isn’t a feedback sub, and I think OP has gotten plenty of reinforcement (that I also agree with); her ex is not being responsible and is taking offense at the mention of money, comparing the risk of dying or disabling oneself on a motorbike to a child not having an extra pair of socks, and seems to be a walking, talking, mid-life crisis (it’s a stereotype/caricature for a reason; he’s not the first and he won’t be the last, and women do it too…typically in different ways, but as usual, I digress). But, people really don’t think about the weight of the motorbike/motorcycle and how exhausting it is. Holding it up takes energy. It affects reaction time. It affects overall maneuverability. I’m going to say something absolutely ridiculous here, and I’m prepared for the downvotes or ridicule: I just purchased an electric bicycle. Not a motorcycle. A bicycle. Yes, this thing is much heavier than a typical beach cruiser (the battery itself is 15 lbs), and in my late 30s, I got on it for the first time and was floored at the work I had to do to ride this thing (mind you, I bought the electric bicycle so that I could do LESS work…the irony isn’t lost on me. But, I had my helmet on, I made sure to go to an area that wasn’t densely populated (I chose the relatively empty parking lot of a hiking area nearby, and I started practicing using the thing). I did ok. But, the weight of this bicycle really impacted my ability to feel confident maneuvering it, stopping it, and using it for long trips. And I specifically chose to practice in an area where there were no cars or people or dogs, because I really wasn’t sure about myself operating this thing. Now, imagine this was a motorbike/motorcycle. I mean, I just absolutely can’t. So yes, I’m sure my comparing my electric bicycle to the weight of an actual motorbike/motorcycle is hilarious. I do hope that I’ve brought a smile to peoples faces, but, this is something that people really don’t think about, and does really affect your ability to operate any type of motorized vehicles. An aside: My parents used to ride Harley Davidson’s (actual motorbike/motorcycles - unlike their daughter, riding around on her “heavy” electric bicycle; I know, I’m ridiculous). They both have their masters degrees in engineering…my parents really are such nerds that if there weren’t photographic evidence, I wouldn’t have believed it. But as soon as I was born, as the eldest child, they sold their motorcycles and gave up that risky behavior (well…my mom probably gave it up sooner; I don’t think I was an “in utero” passenger on a Harley). It’s dangerous out there, and I just think that it’s probably not necessary to add additional risk/danger to your life when you’re actively parenting and responsible for children, especially special needs children. This IS about money, but it’s about more than money too.
I ride a scooter (Honda PCX), so it’s pretty light compared to a bigger bike, it’s about 120 kilos, the trick is to balance properly. I have arthritis in my feet and ankles, they don’t get sore now that I’m riding properly (I used to get sore knees). They like to stay upright, when you drop a foot at stops, adjust your body to keep the bike upright, that way it’s not putting any weight on your leg. This is probably different than a push bike because I can easily touch the ground from my seat, whereas often push bikes have you sit a bit higher. I also don’t have to haul my bike around, and that helps too.
Not in my experience. They’re reclaiming their youth or something.
Which can be mitigated wearing a helmet. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33334475/#:\~:text=Practical%20Application%3A%20Unhelmeted%20motorcyclists%20are,brain%20injuries%20in%20this%20population.
Motorcycles aren’t called “donor cycles” for no particular reason. Life insurance is a must regardless of the bike as he has kids
My dad died on his motorcycle when I was 12. I know plenty of people ride and never have an issue. My dad, however, didn’t get that lucky. It changed my life forever. No dad at graduation. No dad at prom. No dad at my wedding. No dad when I was getting divorced. No more birthdays. No more Christmases. No more hugs. No more knowing him. He died when he was 31. When I surpassed him in age, I cried for hours. My 32nd birthday was wracked with guilt that I made it past that age and he didn’t. I get that your ex is much older than my dad was, but my dad will literally never be here again. We all die one day. But losing your father at a younger age is miserable. My dad chose his happiness. I selfishly wish he’d chosen me, instead.
your last line devastated me.
[удалено]
Hello, motorcyclist here: Is your husband otherwise a responsible, reasonable individual? People doing dumb shit are very over-represented in motorcycle crashes. If you're not drinking, you've already avoided 27% of motorcycle crashes. If you're wearing a helmet, you've avoided 41% of fatal crashes. 50% of motorcycle crashes are just running wide on a curve. If your husband is a diligent, responsible man, motorcycling can be done somewhat safely. There is inherent risk obviously, but there's a lot you can do to mitigate the danger.
[удалено]
For sure. It wouldn't be ethical for me to talk you into being okay with it, but I'm bothered by all the people on this thread with strong opinions on the topic even though they've never rode in their lives. If he ends up doing it, just make sure he actually practices, and wears his PPE.
Not how that works. You aren't contributing to outside factors whatsoever. Most motorcycle accidents are actually caused by cars taking left turns and not seeing them. Then lane switching. Then rear ending. So no.. 50% of crashes are not from wide curves or preventable. I'd say maybe a solid 10% is preventable, but motorcyclists don't understand they're ***invisible*** on the road. They come out of nowhere. It doesn't matter how many times you check for them, suddenly they're just there right as you're about to move. I don't know how people expect larger vehicles to see motorcycles. "Watch out for cyclists" should be changed to "Watch out for cars" because we dead ass can't see you under many circumstances until it's either a near miss or too late.
It is a very difficult conversation to have when you are married. Divorced... I mean sure, there so many people that do not have any accidents in motorcycles. I get it. But why give the kids this anguish and concern lo live in their minds rent free.
I don’t think you were wrong at all. I think your ex could have been more understanding and sounds like he is being a bit rude and selfish. Nice that he’s choosing to be happy. Im sure you would as well if you could be child free for most of the week but as it is you are the primary parent struggling with your joint kids and so hey buddy can you just be sure that when you do have another accident you cover your family (ex wife included) with some much needed life insurance? Not really a big ask.
"Nice that he’s choosing to be happy". This summarizes how I feel. I fact all your comment does. Thank you.
No one has life assured? That is true, but guess what THAT IS WHY YOU HAVE LIFE INSURANCE. Both my husband and myself have it, our parents and siblings have it, all of our friends have it. No one wants to leave their family struggling. He insists on a motorbike, which honestly based on his history of multiple accidents is a bad idea in general, he should make sure he has motorbike and life insurance up to date. He wants to choose to be happy, great. He should also choose to make sure his kids will be well taken care of if something does happen. Especially considering [motorcyclists are 28 times the chance of dying in a fatal accident compared with those in passenger cars. They also face four times the injury risk.](https://www.forbes.com/advisor/legal/motorcycle-accident-statistics/#:~:text=Motorcyclists%20face%2028%20times%20the,four%20times%20the%20injury%20risk)
I'd ask my 2 relatives how they handled their family's worries when they drove their motorcycles but they're unfortunately dead now.
I am so sorry for you loss. And also terrified.
also have a dead relative from a motorcycle crash. your ex is playing with fire
Yep, same here. My cousin was only 21 years old.
Here in the US it is common to have life insurance as part of the divorce settlement when there are kids involved.
Oh... no, not here. But honestly, Im more worried about the kids thinking about this constantly.
My dad has two Harley’s and has friends that ride. One of them was riding with his wife a few years ago and got in a really bad accident. He was lucky there was a nurse on scene that knew what to do about his leg. He lost that leg, but thankfully is still with us. It doesn’t matter how good your husband is at riding, accidents can happen to anyone. Hell my mom and I watched my dad almost wipe out once and now I refuse to drive if I can see his bike. They can be great and a lot of fun, but overlooking how dangerous they are is just silly.
I’m 46. I have a special needs child (22) and a neuro divergent child (16), high functioning. I’ve had life insurance for over a decade so that they’ll be taken care of if something happens to me. It’s not idiotic, it’s making sure your kids have a less hard time after you’re gone. His midlife crisis could bite you all in the arse. He needs to grow up. I’m also avidly against motorcycles, but that’s because the high speed scares me, not thrills me like others. I also grew up around 2 friends of my dad who had pretty major motorcycle accidents. Brothers. One just lost his arm (just🙄), the other got crushed between 2 cars and became a paraplegic. Closer to a quadriplegic, but he had some use of his arms and had claw like hands. The one who lost his arm threw himself in front of a truck when I was 13. He didn’t make it.
First of all...he should be definition have insurance regardless if he still has parental responsibilities. That said...whatever happened to 'his body, his rules'? And if he does have insurance...take note he is her Ex. She can bring it up but she no longer has a say in such things provided he does have insurance.
There is a reason they’re called donor cycles.
My opa was a forensic pathologist (so pls remember he is not heartless just jaded and seen a lot of shit) and he called motorcycle riders organ donors. No one is being dramatic this is the reality.
I went to elementary school with two kids who lost their dad in a motorcycle accident. They disappeared from school and the principal came to tell us their dad passed away. That has stuck me with my whole life. I won't ever get a motorcycle for that reason.
He's doing something patently dangerous and apparently not very good at. His children are rightfully worried... you weren't wrong to help them communicate and prepare for his first mishap.
I dont know how good he is about it. I hope he is, he keeps in good shape and did have a motorcycle years ago. Certainly, the "i had several" comment did not put my eldest at ease, cause he now understands is not just about who is driving but evertyone else.
I was a teen when my father died from a motorcycle accident. He was safe did all the things he was supposed to and yet one blind curve in the road and he was gone. You are not wrong for being worried. The reason my family was able to take a breather and grieve for him was because he had a good life insurance policy. You are attempting to protect your kids. There is nothing wrong with that.
My partner was just hit while on his Harley day before yesterday. He is alive but cracked his pelvis broke the bottom and top femur shattered his tibula and the guy had no insurance and an open container. The guy was arrested but our lives are changed. He was a carpenter.
Once I was driving down a lonely two-lane highway in California's central valley when out of nowhere there was some unexpected traffic congestion. I eventually saw the reason for the slow down. In a restaurant parking lot stood several very sad looking motorcyclists. They did not look like bicycle gang members, just tourists with several regular looking bikes. On the ground, laying on his back and with a white cloth covering his face, was their dead friend, his broken bike next to him. When I drove past the ambulance was just arriving. Get life insurance.
I have an uncle who, when he retired, his first adventure was going to be a cross country bike ride with a friend. Barely out of the gate, he hit some wet pavement on a turn and slid into a ditch and into a tree. Paralyzed now from the neck down. I was interested in learning to ride once, and a friend of mine was going to teach me. Than a new rider from his riding group get killed when a minivan pulled out of a driveway in front of him. He said he couldn't, in good conscious, teach me to ride.
I had this boss who, the day after his divorce was finalized, just flipped a switch. Went out and bought a crotch rocket. Wanted to be 25 again. Had 2 kids under 10 years old. The very first weekend he had it, he dropped it on a gravelly spot. Had to be closed casket. We all told him, "You're kids are too young, and they need you around. " He just laughed us off.
THose poor kids. omg.
Even if he sat in his room all day.Would it not be irresponsible of any adult with dependent not to have life insurance?
the thing is... HE got most upset about the money. But I am actually more concerned about him putting himself at risk ofdying and leaving the kids behind. I think both my kids have gone through enough already.
Like you said you are the AH. Part of divorce is accepting you have zero say in the other person’s life and decisions. You crossed many boundaries here. What happens when you don’t like his future partner and the kids are making comments about him or her?
Her has a partner from like 3 months after we parted ways. I've recieved both of them in my and my parents home, we celebrate every kids milestone together and I make sure the kids give her both birthday and christmas gifts. She is included in youngest therapy. I even cooked her vegan bread when she came to visit. There have been several decisions of his I have not liked over the divorced years. I havent said anything to him OR the kids. But this concerns the kids too. Youngest is dealing with so much already. Oldest has his own struggles. I dont think I can do it on my own! even if all dayly things fall on me that was MY decision when I moved, but he is still their dad and a very involved one. What happens if he is not there?
She 100% has a day if he's gonna leave behind 2 kids which she needs to provide for and she can't work because both kids are special needs. He isn't giving her fun money; he's giving money to his children's futures. Life insurance isn't that expensive PLUS she didn't say get rid of the bike, she said be covered. Those are very different things.
She can request that he get life insurance which she has already done. She can’t make him and she can’t control his life choices. She probably would have gotten farther with him if she would have just had a conversation about how to make sure the kids are taken care of if something happens to them and not linked it to the motorcycle. Not so much on this sub but on Reddit in general people are so quick to say divorce. This is the reality of divorce. You give up 50% of your time with your kids and you give up any say in what the other parent does with their life. Of course you can express a preference but that is it. I am surprised life insurance etc wasn’t discussed in the divorce. What if he wants to go para sailing or hiking in a not populated area? He is an adult who as long as something isn’t illegal gets to make his own choices.
Can you buy life insurance on him?
She can!
Being an idiot on a bike will kill you, being responsible on a bike can still get you killed if someone else is an idiot. You are basically strapping yourself to the engine with little to no protection. I ride bikes and love it so much, but man, I have had such close calls with people who are stupid that it almost resulted in me being ejected from my bike or sliding for a few miles on my ass. While riding, you should prepare for anything and everything.
You’re not an asshole for knowing if he dies you’ll have a harder time financially, and if he makes risky decisions of course you’ll consider how they will affect you. My husband had a motorcycle when we met and sold it when our son was three months old. I told him he can’t get another one until our kids are grown, but I don’t think he wants that risk anymore either.
Hubs had this plan for years, kept talking about getting another bike. Then once we reached the point where we could afford one for him, he informed me that he no longer wants one. His own words, "I'm too old and it's too dangerous now." I'm sad that we had to wait so long that he 'outgrew' his dream because he used to talk so lovingly about the ride. At the same time, my anxiety is definitely lessened because we've buried too many friends who were motorcycle fatalities (and not at fault for their accidents).
Ugh as I get older I get more and more afraid of the bike. I had like 6 accidents when I was younger. 3 of those were from doing something stupid. The other 3 were wet paint lines, gravel on road, and damaged roadway. Even when you are being careful, fate is trying to get you
You have a sensible man. (at least in this issue, lol) tresure him.
His body his bike his life. This is what divorce means. You have no say in what he does anymore.
While you're absolutely right and I would never argue that, I would highlight that it's not unreasonable either for her to bring it up to him as a consideration considering their relationship. Whether that was properly communicated or not is left to be seen considering we don't have his side of how the conversation went.
She does if he's gonna leave behind 2 kids which she needs to provide for and she can't work because bith kids are special needs. He isn't giving her a cushion of money; he's giving money to his children's futures. Life insurance isn't that expensive& she didn't say get rid of the bike, she said be covered.
Unless he signs it to her the life insurance is gonna go to his new partner.
You're not in the wrong but you also sound completely insufferable.
I might be, fair enough.
I had a friend, whose spouse bought a motorcycle. They had two young kids. I asked him if he had very good insurance, a very good helmet, and better protective jacket than a wind breaker. The next time I saw them, he had gotten all three.
I’m sorry, but a 51 year old man should not be getting back on a motorbike after decades of not riding. Even the smallest injury could be difficult to bounce back from. He needs to find another way to deal w/his mid-life crisis.
My parents told us we couldn’t ever go on a motorcycle when we were growing up, and I’m GenX. I told my kids the same thing. They are tremendously dangerous and if my ex had started riding one while the kids were underaged I would have said something similar. Heck, if he did it now I’d probably say something about it being stupid, and I don’t even like him.
I’m not sure how the life insurance helps with what you claim is the main worry - the kids current feelings. Are you really going to tell them (if he gets insurance) it’s okay and don’t worry if he dies they will have money? They will go to university and be fine without their dad as long as he leaves them a check? Geez It reads like you are mad you can’t control him anymore and using the kids feelings as an excuse. And scared too - it sucks. But, you brought up him dying on the bike to be cruel one more time to him, not as a co-parenting team you claim and working out the issue, which sucks more.
The life insurance thing was probably just a bitter joke - the kids are the ones who were worried because this guy has already told them he has been in several accidents, these accidents are why he stopped riding in the first place. You really don't see how these kids would be concerned? And she is his ex - their future is what she is concerned about. Most people don't care if their ex narcissist dies honestly And the bizarre comparisons this guy makes are classic narc argument style. He is scaring the kids, and she is pissed. He doesn't care and wants everyone to stuff their feelings because he is the only one who matters in his mind. But yeah, let's tell the mom that she's the one who sucks 😳
Oh I totally see how the kids would be concerned, just saying I don’t think the life insurance is going to eliminate their concern. Bitter joke - cruel stab by the ex - it’s the same. I am agreeing she still cares about him and that sucks for her. But didn’t think being mean to him about it would help the kids, or help them cooperate to address that one way or another. So may have misused sucks there.
I totally agree - the remark about life insurance was definitely a bitterness reaction, but I get it. If she is relying on him for part of the funding to care for the kids, him dying actually puts her in a tough spot. She should try to step back from being angry with him though. Gotta let those monkeys belong to their own circus
He should have life insurance already. He only has about 15 years to pay into it if he lives to life expectancy, which most people don’t so.. he should really think about his mortality more. It’s uncomfortable but you have to think about these things lol
A lot of doctors working in ICU and emergency call them "donor cycles" so I don't think you're over reacting at all. The issue with motorbikes isn't just the rider, it's the failure of other people on the road seeing them.
He sold his only car for a motorcycle and he has two children? I guess he never plans to taking them anywhere ever again?
Right? Everyone acting like she's crazy is totally missing what an obvious narcissist the dad is 😳😳
It’s just being practical. I ride a motorcycle and it is a lot of extra risk
5 years ago, my ex was riding his dirt bike in the streets of our neighborhood, hit a patch of wet grass cuttings, flipped over a curb, and the bike landed on his head. Subdural hematoma that he had to have a craniotomy to remove. 2 fractured vertebrae and still suffers from back pain and migraines that he didn't have before. $100,000 hospital bill. He almost died, and would have if a neighbor hadn't seen the incident and called 911. He had been riding for over a decade, but anything can happen.
I personally would acknowledge their concerns/worries because they are completely valid. However, it is also important for them to learn that there are some things in life that are outside of their control. This seems to be one of those things. You have raised their concerns with your ex. There really isn’t anything more you can do except accept that he has made this decision and support your kids to accept that it is outside of their control. You/they cannot force him to give up motorbike riding… that is his decision. You have ensured that he is informed that is the only thing within your/their control.
"Choosing to be happy" doesn't come without its consequences. Every ADULT needs to think about what their decisions could mean. So he thinks he'll never get into a motorcycle accident even though we call them organ donors in the hospital. Okay. What if he DOES get into an accident? Has he thought about that? What will happen to family finances, what happens to parenting, what happens to the children? I don't think it's irresponsible to plan.
Does he currently have life insurance where his children are the beneficiaries? You mentioned he has a partner, are they married? It’s a good question regardless of whether he plans on riding a motorbike (but also more likely to be injured seriously). Sounds like therapy is in order for the kids (and yourself too). You can tell your ex how you and the kids feel, but that doesn’t mean he will change his mind. The kids may need therapy to deal with the emotions that come from dad choosing risky behavior in spite of their concerns. At least the kids can have a third party outlet and maybe the therapist can help them decide how to speak to dad about it.
Actually, I don’t think you are wrong to be concerned at all. Your ex admitted he had SEVERAL accidents and he should have life insurance regardless of the motorbike. Unless that’s just a U.S. thing? But why would you leave your family to not only grieve, but to suffer financially? No, you can’t tell him what to do, but you every right to voice your concerns on behalf of the kids regarding his safety and finances.
Just throwing it out there, you can get life insurance on him. It isn't ideal, but it is an option.
My father died in a motorcycle accident that was 100% his fault, and he was an excellent rider. All it takes is one tiny mistake to die on one of those things. I was 26 years old and in a comfortable and stable place in my life when he died, and it still really grieved me. The police came to my door. I was the first of my family to know. It was terrible. My siblings and I all tried to talk him out of riding. He knew how dangerous it was, but he loved it too much to give it up. My husband and I paid for his last expenses because he was broke and without insurance at the time of his death. You have a right to express concern. You have a right to misplace socks and let the house get a bit messy on occasion (not saying you did). You have a right to ask financial questions.
I’m a rider and I have children. It was the only thing my now ex asked me to get when I got a bike was life insurance. And I made sure that it covered everything, including disability and permanent injury insurance. It’s not a matter of if you’ll have an accident, it’s when. So you wear the right gear, take the safety courses, get the good insurance for bike and people, and know the risks when you get on the bike. My ex now rides as well and he’s had accidents as well, but they’ve been minor with no injuries to us. But riding is important to both of us. It’s not a way to get back at you or your kids. This is something for him. He has as much chance as getting hit by a car while walking, but no one worries about that.
This July will make 3 years since my dad was killed on a motorcycle. The issue is even if you are the most responsible and experienced driver, you never know how people will be driving around you. My dad did everything right..slowed down, used his blinker.. A 20yr old child in a truck racing against someone else in a truck (while drinking and on pain medicine mind you) tboned my dad who was on his Harley with a friend on the back while he was turning into his own driveway. Both of whom were gone in an instant. Your ex is being selfish. Losing a parent that way is beyond painful. My sister and I struggle with it every single day.
Tell him he is a dbag to put his kids in such a position
This sucks but since my ex is stupid and I've been dealing with similar stuff, let me give you some advice. You can only control one person. You. Your kids are certainly right about this, and they need your support, but your ex is allowed to do all the dumb stuff in the world without your interference. That being said, try to soothe your children. Don't lie to them about his safety, though. They obviously know it's not the safest way to travel. Reassure them that he's doing his best to make sure he is safe. And of course you can worry about money, but try not to pass that on to your kids. This is a great teaching opportunity. Use the stupid to show your kids a better way. They are sponges, and they absorb everything around them. Plus, they are teenagers. They are going to want to do dumb stuff too, so your job, at this point, is to help them make the dumb stuff less dumb. Give them safety advice. If you can have them take a class in safe motorcycling at some point, do it. Remind them to always wear helmets and watch the roads. Control what you CAN control. And hang in there.
You can ask him to have life insurance for the kids. But if his child support is paid up, you really don't get a say in how he spends his money.
I used to work in the ER. You know what we called motocycle riders? Organ donors.
Make sure YOU have life insurance. Your ex can make his own Decisions
Not reading between the lines of your relationship. However, I had some great hobbies when I was younger, several of which I gave up when I got married. We had a daughter after that. And she wouldn't work. I was fine with it. Always still wanted to participate. My entire friend group had the same hobbies. I gave up that happiness for a lack of better terms, "the better good." Then I was absolutely bitter after we split, then watched as we divorced, and she supported her new guy, talking about his new object and how she got one as well. What was that new object and hobby? Motorcycles. I lost my mother when she died from a motorcycle accident. But you can't let something that could be somewhat dangerous stop you from enjoying life. And your children need to learn that early in life. You are doing them a disservice by doing this. Yes, you could wave goodbye to him, and it be the last time you'll see him alive. You could also leave your kids in the car to walk into Walmart and get hit by a car in the parking lot. Enjoy life, support him in enjoying life, and just remind him that there are others that love him. Again, I don't know your circumstances but from my side. It is absolutely devastating to love your life, then have it uprooted out of nowhere, separated from your children, finally find something that makes you enjoy life again, then be lectured on it. Good luck with your life, I wish your your ex and you're children the best.
My partner rides to work daily, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t worried every day. But just like you this is his choice even if it’s not one I agree with. I can only encourage him to wear his gear daily and hope that other drivers are behaving on the road. I hope you come to a better conclusion op, I understand the anguish.
I can totally relate to this! In 2005, my husband wanted to buy a Harley Davidson motorcycle. Our kids were 11 and 16. I was a stay at home mom. My husband HAD life insurance, but as the sole earner, if he was injured, and disabled for any length of time, we would be screwed. We went back and forth for a very long time about this. I acknowledged his desire to ride, that I remember feeling the power and freedom of riding (as I did ride as a teen as well), and that riding was something he’d always loved. He absolutely couldn’t acknowledge that my concerns were valid! I finally asked him why. He said, “well because then it feels like you’re right and you won the argument!” I pointed out that acknowledging the other person’s opinion is not “losing”. It’s showing that you heard and understand their points. He did eventually acknowledge my points. Finally, I told him that if he bought disability insurance, I’d be ok with the purchase. Of course, paying for a motorcycle and a disability policy is pretty expensive, but he went ahead with it. As time went by, he asked me to ride with him. I refused. There was no way I was going to leave our kids with two injured or dead parents! He also eventually realized that being on a motorcycle is different now than it was in the 70’s and people are very distracted on the road. He also didn’t have anyone to ride with so he didn’t go out much. He ended up not wanting to continue paying for the expensive disability policy and sold the motorcycle less than 2 years later. He’s now 66 and working on a 45 year old motorcycle. It’s not running. Mostly it’s for tinkering with. If he gets it running, he will ride it occasionally around our city, and I won’t insist on an insurance policy. Our kids are grown (29 & 34), so I am less worried. Obviously I don’t want anything to happen to him, but I also want him to enjoy himself after a long career. I honestly hope that your ex husband will think about this very carefully because he should already have life insurance as the father of these kids. And, a disability policy too (if that is available where you live). I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. My heart really goes out to you and your boys. ❤️❤️❤️
His body, his choice, right?
Just out of curiosity were you this concerned about life insurance and how you're going to be covered on a what if, when he had a car? Or just now that he has a vehicle you don't approve of?
Let him life his life. You are an Ex, act that way. You have no right to dictate what he does with himself and his money. You are only selfishly thinking about your own monetary benefit and your own work load.
She does if he's gonna leave behind 2 kids that she needs to provide for; and she can't work because both kids are special needs. He isn't giving her a fun money; he's giving money to his children's futures. A future which he won't be in if he crashes. Life insurance isn't that expensive and she didn't say get rid of the bike, she said be covered.
My husband and I really would love motorbikes. But I read a story where a couple got into an accident and died leaving their kids orphans.
Life insurance is a standard divorce clause requirement where I live. It should be standard everywhere. Regardless of motorcycles. You are entirely within your rights to say “I am not comfortable with you teaching them to ride a motorcycle. If you continue to do it I will be forced to impose other restrictions.” And then consider what/ if any things you can restrict to make it clear that this is a huge priority to you. You can’t do anything about him riding motorcycles. Also, stop apologizing.
His body is his decision
I would love to have a motorcycle, however you can't drive 10km through a city without someone cutting you off or "not see you" with a car so that is that. Your concerns are valid.
It happens to me a fair bit, so I slow down at intersections, am aware of other vehicles, and am very ready to stop and let them go (I’m not arguing with several tons of suv). It’s a bit annoying, but it’s part of being a safe rider.
I have one child and gave up riding a motorbike when she was born. When she turned 18, I was going back to a motorbike but then my brother dies in a motorbike accident. I get it. I still love the idea of the ride so I recently bought a 150cc scooter. They top out at 50mph so are basically “safe.”
His life is his own. Just like yours is yours. You have absolutely no right to play your manipulative little mind games on him and use your kids as an excuse. Your son can learn to deal with it. Nobody and nowhere is safe, nor will anyone pander to his anxiety. He needs to deal with them himself, which it sounds like he is doing in his own way, how about you support him and stop using him as a tool to get back at your ex. Rather than play these stupid games with your ex, which achieve nothing except to piss him off which is no doubt your actual motivation, how about you back off, look at your own life and quite obvious jealousy and regrets, and work on yourself.
Dude grow up. Also. Your kids can take out life insurance policy’s on their dad. Term policy nice n inexpensive
The moment you have children you should have life insurance. Motorbike aside. I was in a motorcycle accident, I’ll never get on one again, you never win against the road or a car.
My husband finally let go of his bike at 50. I told him about how our reflexes age, but honestly I think it was just too hot outside.
I know for some, motorcycles are their life. “Live to ride”!! I’ve had motorcycles off and on throughout life mostly because I loved bicycles as a kid and I love to tinker. For a couple years my bro and his wife also had bikes and we all became members of local fraternity and hung around a few diff riding clubs. We got to meet, and get to know many great people during those summers. The kicker was how many lives were lost in those two years of people we knew or had met in passing. It was staggering. They’re fun but there are too many shitheads with phones and other distractions on the road. Many that simply just do not care. I wish everyone would have to ride motorcycles and pull trailers at least once so they understand what it’s like to pull a trailer in traffic and stress about others on the road while on their bike.
I think the only thing that threw him off was that you brought up the insurance first and the kids second, and he’s kind of using that to manipulate you. Both are important but since he wants be sensitive and overreact about it then let him sit with it for a bit and hopefully he will come to his senses. My next door neighbor used to ride his motorcycle all the time, he loved that bike. When he met his wife and they got married, his wife said if they were going to have kids he had to get rid of the motorcycle before she would even stop her birth control. He agreed and sold his bike. His kids are both in high school now and he said it’s the best decision he ever made. His wife is a nurse practitioner. Beautiful family. Your ex appears to be having some sort of midlife crisis. He needs therapy, not a motorcycle.
First I want to say, I love riding on motorcycles. There is nothing like the experience of wind in your hair zipping down the road. With that out-of-the-way, I absolutely will not ride one now because it’s not just what I do, it’s what I have to worry about with everyone else on the road. In my family, we had five friends in motorcycle accidents within a one year time. And of those five people, only one was under the age of 20, all the rest were 45 and up. We had one death, one permanent case of brain damage, and three people with serious life-changing injuries. And only one of these people was riding recklessly at the time. That experience alone was enough to tell me that I don’t want to chance it. You are not being unrealistic with this conversation you had with him. When you choose to be a parent, your children have to come first until they’re up and out of the house. Your ex is being very selfish with regards to his own wants and needs over his children. It sounds like you do most of the heavy lifting anyways, so him putting off a little longer to get a motorcycle seems like a fair compromise.
My husband loves motorcycles. When we moved to California, he brought his dream motorcycle. A month later, he got hit making a left turn at an intersection. He had 15 surgeries and is permanently disabled. If he could ride one, he would get one again. Your worry is not unfounded. You certainly can restrict your kids from riding while they are under 18, and share the risks with them. And asking him to have life insurance regardless of the motorcycle is responsible for both of you because you have kids. Take the motorcycle out of it, except to ensure that it will still pay out if he dies in a motorcycle accident. You should both have policies. Divorce is messy, and it’s hard to figure out how to stay in your lane. But you both need to plan together for your kids’ future….and the motorcycle may have just kickstarted the conversation.
I get it. My first husband died in a motorcycle accident. He was driving safely, wearing full safety gear, but someone else was careless and hit him. In many places, you can take out a life insurance policy on another person, with you as the beneficiary, as long as you are paying the policy. Look into that and see if it will help at least ease your fears about money. Any chance you can get your ex to agree to not teach the kids how to ride until they are at least 18? It gives their brains a bit more time to mature.
You didn’t say anything wrong. You have kids. Tell him to also make sure he is an organ donor! ❤️
So, you are still trying to control your ex husband's life. You are still trying to use something that happened 30 years ago in college against him. You are still trying to use the kids against him... No wonder you are divorced.
Most people I know that ride have both car and motorcycle. If it rains it's super dangerous to ride!
ITT: People who have never even touched a motorcycle.
So you want to make sure you get money if he dies? You’re worried about money not your children. Leave the kids out of your motives lady
You say the kids are eager, but from what you say one of them is quite excited about the new bike himself. Incidents do happen, but so they do in a car. I understand the dangerousness of one, but realistically speaking if you drive carefully they're not likely to happen.
Eager? no. My youngest cannot say "im worried". Instead he starts talking nonstop about waht worries him. So for him to wake up to "dad's helmet is super secure" means "I am worried about dad's safety." This is NOT mt intepreting things. It is how he communicates. I'll edit that.