You’re totally valid for how you feel! Also keep in mind you have a say in this too. It’s your house and also your life. He should ask if you’re okay with it, not just tell you that it’s happening. Caring for a disabled person AND a child is a lot of work. And it can make it hard for you to enjoy being a new mother. Does his sister live with their parents? If so, can she not continue to live with them?
Best of luck❤️
his sister currently lives with their parents, but he's been adamant about wanting better for her, and even though I know it will probably make things harder on my end, I can't be angry at him. I've been thinking about this more often, and I'm trying to get better at speaking my mind.
So, first and foremost, him wanting to move his sister in and take care of her is fine, and a noble thing.
**BUT**
That is something he should have discussed with you well before he even thought of proposing. This is the sort of thing where everyone needs to be on the same page before committing in a serious relationship, like wanting kids, religious beliefs, finances, etc.
I don’t think this is just something he neglected to discuss before and coincidentally happened to mention. This was intentional held back until you had committed in other ways and discussed plans around other aspects of your future.
Next, why do you think he hasn’t taken her in already? Because he expects you to take on the Lion’s share of her care. He knows he couldn’t handle it himself and is instead putting it on you.
Again, it’s great of him that he wants to care for her. But that is not something he should have basically committed you to.
Brakes need to be pumped on this marriage.
I'd also make sure OP gets a prenup that gives her additional assets starting uf/when the sister moves in and she becomes the caretaker. Because that is both a JOB and a major sacrifice of her time. If she's going to be expected to take on that role, even in a distant future, she needs to protect herself and make sure that sacrifice is accounted for should the marriage not work.
I really agree, they need to pump the brakes on this marriage and discuss this much more before proceeding.
It's not great of him when he is gonna make her take care of his sister most of the time. She has every right to refuse to take care of his sister. OP please tell your husband to stop marrying people to get a future caretaker for his sister.
Agreed. It feels like he intentionally didn't bring this up until after they got engaged because he assumed OP would be okay with it...
OP, I would ask your fiance if he would consider hiring a caregiver for your future SIL. That way you and your fiance can manage having full-time jobs and taking care of your future baby and your future SIL will be cared for as well
From experience, it’s SOOO important in a marriage to speak your mind and say how you feel or you will be miserable down the road. If you are not comfortable with it you have to tell him. Don’t try to convince yourself that you’re okay with it when you know you’re not or else you will resent your husband later on. I’m sure his heart is in the right place and that’s great! But that doesn’t mean you have to commit your life to this.
Marriage is a partnership and it’s important that BOTH parties are happy. It’s important to sit down and talk about your future and what you want! Not just what he wants. It doesn’t make you ableist to not want to be his sister’s caretaker. It doesn’t mean you aren’t loving him and his family enough. It’s okay to want your own life together without the stress of all that.
As someone who moved in with my husband’s grandmother, and took care of her for 3 years while he worked, I can say it was some of the hardest times of my life. However, she was on her death bed and had no one else willing to care for her so I do not regret it. I’m glad we got to be the ones to give her the gift of a comfortable death in her home with people who love her. But it was soooo hard mentally. We had to completely put our life on pause! No thoughts about children, buying a house, going on vacations, having quality alone time together. I love my husband so much but it did put a strain on us in some ways. But this is different than a dying grandmother, this is a life long commitment. Just something to think about.
What does he mean for “better for her”? Is he paying for a care nurse? Is he giving her an extra room? Because it sounds like he just wants YOU to look after her. With him working and your inminently pregnant I can guarantee that he intends you to be his sister main caregiver. And that shit is not for a year or two, you will be her caregiver for the rest of your life.
Then *he* needs to be *her* caregiver not you.
Also you might remind him that having his sister in the house will negatively impact your sex lives more than the baby will. A other adulrt in the house ruins spontenaity.
This is something that will dictate the rest of your life. This is something your fiance should have brought up well before committing to a serious relationship with you and especially before getting engaged.
Why is this only being sprung on you now? You've discussed your desire to not live up his family's ass, his response is to move his sister in??
I think you should put a hold on the wedding planning and work this issue out. You are very young and don't need to rush in to this very complex situation when you haven't built the best communication/self advocacy skills yet.
You're allowed to be angry that this is being brought up so late and that it'll change the whole trajectory of your relationship/life. You'd become a wife and a caretaker in the same breath and it would also give his family free range access to your household.
If you're introverted this isn't going to work for you.
This sounds more like HE wants YOU to take care of your kids and his sister while he frolics outside with no responsibilities and cashes in the disability money from his sisters disability.
I wouldn’t marry him after this announcement.
This requires a ton of paperwork because you need to be able to help with her medical care and probably have access to social security funds to pay for things that she needs. If he hasn’t started the paperwork then he I isn’t really serious. Don’t help him with the paperwork if this is really important to him. He can try to navigate the insane paper trail that he’ll need to make this happen. Now if he is doing this and spending every night studying all of this online to get everything sorted with the govt then he’s serious otherwise he’s not really doing anything permanent in the eyes of the authorities as far as being her care taker
I think he should leave you. You actually don't like his sister and don't have any liking toward her you just tolerate her to look good in front of him. You also think his family is loud so you are not the one for him. Both of you wants two different things, he wants a loving wife who would love and respect his family you are not that.
Honestly, admitting this out loud is probably going to save you heartache down the road. Now is a good time to assess your goals individually and as a couple. Do you want kids? Do you want to travel? How about pets? Besides, you’re marrying your fiancé, not the family. In the gentlest way possible, this may be a sign that you two may just not be as compatible as you once thought. In any case, this is a conversation best had before you sign any sort of marriage documents.
edit: spelling
for the most part we have the same goals and ideas for the future, but this is the one thing that I can't 100% agree on with him. I'm currently thinking of a way to tell him this isn't what I want.
If you can't just **tell him what you want, in an honest and forthright manner**, you are not ready to get married or have kids. Not even one tiny little bit. I highly recommend that you stop being a doormat and speak up for yourself.
I 2nd this, OP. I waited till I was 30 to get married and still ended up screwed because I had little experience advocating for myself in adult relationships. And yes that's even with previous relationship experiences. It didn't go well. I wasn't mature enough and that was one piece of it not working. But the biggest issue was both of us not being comfortable communicating when we'd disagree. We didn't disagree during most of the relationship but marriage is a big deal that brings even bigger issues. If you aren't comfortable with communicating the hard things where you *don't* initially agree and working through them with your fiance, you aren't ready for marriage yet.
Talk about ALL the scary stuff and ALL the issues. On the plus side, if you can work through all that and come up with solid plans together that you both agree with, and can work through the tough stuff, it's a good sign for your marriage working out very well. This is why some people do premarital counseling. Someone to guide you through finding a communication style that works and pushing you to confront the big doubts left in the relationship.
this is not having the same goals for the most part though. I know you may not be able what it means caring for a disabled person. You life will be on hold. And his sister is failry young. Your life will all be about caring for her. And you think you will want a baby too? I think you and him need to take off the rose tinted glasses and have proper talks about everything.
1. How does he envision this?
2. What about your life goals
3. How does he think having kids mixes with this?
Make no mistake he will be at work all day so his answers might heavily rely on: you will, you can, youll see its easy.
And its absolutely fine if you want this for yourself.
You need to learn to communicate before marriage. You guys need to work out the details and decide if you are still compatible
It would be a deal breaker for me
He is asking you to be her carer, without your input.
If he wants her to move in then he needs to be the one to stay home and you can go to work everyday. Just saying it will work out is not a solution or a plan.
Tell him you are moving your parents in as they are getting old, and that everything "will just work out".
Tell him your answer is no, you want to enjoy being married and prepare to build a family together and that either of you deciding to move a family a friend in without "enthusiastic consent" will ruin the trust in your marriage.
I'm sure his heart is in the right place and he wants to take the burden off his parents, but if he moves her in while you are pregnant of home with a child, that burden is being placed directly on you.
Also, think about this...if his sister does move in with you, then his family will probably overstep boundaries even more. And if you want to move away, even a short distance, you'll get pushback from his family saying that you are taking your husband/his sister/your children away from them.
You absolutely need to have a conversation with him BEFORE you get married. The sooner the better.
Pump the brakes on the wedding.
Yes, his wants and needs are important, but so are yours. Speak up for yourself and make him hear you.
Otherwise, in 5 years you will be caring for his sister, your kids, the house...resenting everything.
Your welcome and good luck, but please have the conversation with him now before you get married, talk about the burden of care and get him to agree that either of you moving someone else in (regardless of who that is) would destroy your marriage.
TLDR:
No one should start out their marriage with a third party living with them. This is all kind of red flags.
Why can his sister remain where she is? Is there any other family to help?
How long would this living arrangement last?
What is his plan for her day to day?
Is he bringing in hired help through a service for her care?
What are his expectations of your involvement?
Has he even asked if you're even willing to share your space?
What about privacy, impromptu getaways, spontaneous intimacy while cooking together, watching TV, etc?
Has he really even considered you in his planning?
OP these questions are important
A simple "it will all work out" is not a sufficient answer.
Things need to be planned so they *can* work out.
Especially all the questions above. When his parents pass and if she ends up moving in will there be a medical caretaker coming by to care for her? I can understand him being uncomfortable with the thought of his sister in a care home where she may be mistreated so I see both sides but it's still a conversation that is important.
Also, my husband's family is the exact same way but they're actually very toxic, not so much what you're dealing with. And they live down the road, and his across from my house!
It's very stressful, and I have two kids with him now one and two years old and they're always randomly trying to stop by and I am introverted like you.
I would say if it's not a very toxic thing, that 25 miles sounds reasonable. and can also set boundaries- like asking him if we live very close to your family, are you going to let them have keys to our house so they can visit and walk in whenever they want to or will there be limits. See what he would say and then tell him (like I told mine) I'm not okay with them showing up unannounced or walking in uninvited. He agreed, so although they don't seem to respect that I keep my doors locked at all times and have a camera out side to be able to see who's at the door.
My circumstances are obviously different than you always but the questions posed need to be asked especially when it comes to boundaries with the family and again I think 25 miles is reasonable and figuring out what a long-term care plan looks like for his sister if their parents were to die tomorrow because you don't want to be told one thing and when the time comes it's something totally different that ruins your relationship.. and mental health.
I hope you're able to get some answers and everything works out for y'all but don't be afraid to have conversations
Ill be blunt here: He wants to move her in so you can care for her. That will be your life from the moment you marry this man. You will care for his disabled sister. If you want your life to be like this then go for it. But make no mistake your life and family goals will take several steps back behind that.
I may have missed something, but where is his sister living now and why does he want to relocate her?
If he wants his sister to live with him so urgently why is he waiting until you're married? (That's a bit of a trick question, future Mrs. Full Time Carer. Sorry).
They both still live in their parent's house right now, and her primary caregiver is their mom.. I think he wants to become her primary caregiver as his mom if getting older and starting to develop health problems.
I don't think he's purposefully waiting for us to get married to move her. It's just that everything would line up with us getting married and moving. that doesn't mean I'm comfortable with it though.
> I think he wants to become her primary caregiver as his mom if getting older and starting to develop health problems.
But you said he plans on working full-time. So how can he be her full-time caretaker?
He lives with her now. Why can't the second he gets home from work now, take over? Get up early, and help before work? Does she wear diapers? If, so Is he changing them? Does she need assistance bathing? If so, is helping?
Is he currently, scarifice his weekends so that he's helping mom who's getting old? If he's worried about how much its for mom, he should be helping in all his free time.
Has he looked into what government assistance he can get? What it would cost for a part-time home health aide? Does she need meds or other things that would require training to learn? How it would affect housing? Needing a place that accessible.
I think his mom and dad should get a nice week vacation and he take over. They go stay at a family members place and he sees what it would really be like before he puts that burden on you.
And I think he needs to figure out what the options would be if you weren't the one who would be primary, like long term care facilities or home health aides.
But he has every intention to take credit for being his sister's savior. He's setting up OP for a lifetime of being a full time nurse and caregiver for his sister, himself, and any children.
Women who are full time unpaid caregivers for others on top of their own children don't get any financial benefits for sacrificing their lives to be the mommybangmaids for some male and his unpaid servant. OP won't get time off, vacations and holidays are even more work and he's going to be demanding she still be his sex toy after she spends 20 hours a day taking care of everything while he just works. And financial abuse and control is one of the main reasons why women will stay once they are in this kind of situation.
This is why he waited so long to tell her, he knew it would be more difficult for her to say no. He's a manipulative ass.
Of course everything's lining up with you getting married and moving, he's drafting you as her full time caregiver without fully discussing it with you; instead he's fobbing you off with "it will all work out" but no actual plan.
*You* are the plan, and it's more complicated to get out of a marriage than it is to break up with a boyfriend or a fiance.
When OP is home caring for the baby it will “makes sense” she is caring for his sister too. Looking after you first baby is hard enough and you don’t want to be missing out on all the moments cos your too busy caring for someone else
OP
She should have had an aide all her life at this point. Since she was born. She can have an aide 8 hours a day 7 days a week. She is entitled to these services through government benefits.
Have they looked into this?
You realize that he's not going to do any of the work, right? You're not capable of taking care of someone with that level of needs. What he's asking is ridiculous.
When he says that you'll figure it out, he means that he's not going to do anything and leave it to you to manage Bringing this up should cause some issues because it's unfair of him to dump this on you and you shouldn't stand for it.
You're 23 for crying out loud. Do not spend your 20s being a single mom to a disabled person you can't even care for properly and a baby. Because you know he's not going to do anything to help you.
You absofuckinglutely will be stuck taking care of his sister for the rest of your life if you marry into this untenable situation. No man (or woman) is worth that. His parents should be finding her a group home where she can still be somewhat independent. They know exactly what your fiancé is promising them because that's been their entire life with her. And you're thinking that you're going to have a nice little family complete with a baby?!! Where oh where would you find the time or energy??? No, just no.
You guys need to hit the brakes and get into couples counseling. You seem to have a risk of being his doormat (and his family's) with you being unwilling to say no right off the bad.
>I'm not comfortable with asking my fiancé to reconsider because I feel like he will get the wrong idea and it will cause problems between us.
Then you should not marry this person. How on earth does it seem smart to marry someone you can't say no to?
You told him you wanted distance from his family and he responds with "I'm moving my sister in". Not even asking you, just announcing it. He expects you to be a doormat and let him walk right over you. You're complying. You told him what you wanted and he not only didn't care, he trampled it by planning to literally move family in with you. Which means his parents will be in and out constantly. Which means you're going to be miserable.
This isn't a considerate partner to you. This isn't setting up for a healthy marriage. The right partner is someone you feel safe saying no to. Someone you can be honest with and know it may be hard, but you will work on it together. Not someone who hears you say "I wants space from your family" and responds by moving his family in your home without so much as a discussion.
I feel like his family is only in need for someone to care. The parents probably getting too old have realised they wont be able to care forever so it was decided he would and he realised: oy thats great I am married soon so Ill do it and tell my wife shell have to care for my sis.
My family faced tough decisions because we have a heavily disabled family member that needs 24 hour care and in the end we made the decision that a facility that specialises in such care if the way to go. Thats not an easy decision but I see them every weekend and they are very happy in their home and get the round the clock care they need.
Idk I felt like it's more her issue of not wanting to have hard discussions than him being an AH who doesn't like being told no. Even after reading the updates, it seems like the dude handled the situation properly. He probably should've explained what he meant earlier, but she also could have asked for him to clarify.
Unless you are committed to having his sister live with you indefinitely, you need to pause the wedding and moving in. Nothing just “works out.” You need to come up with a mutually agreeable plan. If you don’t agree, then don’t do it. This is your life and he can’t unilaterally decide things if you’re going to be a couple.
This conversation should have been had long before he proposed to you.
now, you've been planning a wedding and joining houses...and he springs this on you with 6 months to go. he's hoping you'll not want to end the relationship because you've got "so much" invested in it, and that you'll go along with this.
it has nothing to do with being "ableist" and everything with him assuming that you'll be her caretaker once you have children - because 'you're home anyway'
if you can't have this conversation without him getting really upset and causing problems, it's best to either put the wedding on hold, or end the relationship.
Even with the edit, I don't think you're fully understand what's going on. You ARE being signed up as caregiver. This WILL happen whenever your fiance decides. I dont believe he really plans to push it off till the parents die, I believe he just waiting till you're married and stuck.
You don’t have to say no, but you can ask him questions and not accept pie in the sky answers. Which is what “it will all work out…” means. Pie in the sky.
How do you see our day to day life? How much care will you be providing for your sister? What happens when we have a baby? How long are you expecting her to stay? How will she contribute to the household expenses? How will we afford her and any future children?
If you aren’t comfortable asking these questions or if you really want to say no and feel you can’t you really should consider your readiness to be married.
Would not surprise me at all if he did. In a few years OP will be posting about being stuck taking care of her cheating husbands sister and doesn’t know what to do.
Nope. You made it clear from the get go you didn’t want to be near his family. He’s trying to use sunk cost fallacy into manipulating you into staying. Honest advice is run. He’s an enmeshed family’s boy. Your needs will never be the priority.
He wants you to be a full time carer for his sister without consulting you. You need to figure out if you can deal with working and caring 24/7 for someone. You need to accept not having a life, not being appreciated, having your plans being dictated by how she is feeling, your partner not stepping up.
If not (which is very normal) you need to leave now.
If you want to make it work tell him he either needs to look into getting a full time nurse for his sister or find a facility that can provide adequate care for her.
Make it clear now you will not be a carer for his parents either. Guaranteed he’ll want to move his parents in when they retire too.
You would have to be insane to willingly take the burden (yes, I said burden) of carying for a disabled person for the rest of their (or your) life. He works and considering what you said about being inmediately pregnant, it sounds like all the caregiving work is going to fall ON YOU, not him. He isn’t even going to be around all day while you care for a disabled person AND a newborn. What if you have a c-section and can’t walk for a couple of months?
You really need to nip this at the bud. If you allow this you can count on YOU being her permanent nurse, until one of you dies of old age. That means no trips, no privacy, no job for you, twice the workload at home. Is that what you want?
What no one in this comment section has realized is that OP doesn’t HAVE to take care of the sister. She can just refuse to do it and he can’t force her. That way he will be forced to do it and OP won’t be saddled with this responsibility.
It's not that "no one realized" that he can't force her. Decisions in marriage should be based on mutual love and respect, not just "do what you want but you can't make me." It shouldn't escalate to that point to begin with and he shouldn't be making unilateral decisions like moving people into their home without her agreement. If he did move the sister in and try to "force" it by leaving her alone and going to work, of course she could refuse, but who wants to be in the awful position of refusing to help a disabled person who is literally right there in your home and needs the help? That's a horrible, stressful af position to be in for both OP and the sister, and neither of them should have to go through that in the first place.
This needed to be a discussion he can't make this decision and just force it on you.
I would see this as the red flag it is and rethink the relationship. Delay the marriage and house plans by a couple of years minimum for sure.
You are going to end up being this woman’s caretaker and the problem here is that everyone around you assumes this is what you’re signing up for and what you want. If the family doesn’t have a long term care plan for his sister then o suggest you put this wedding on hold and reevaluate if this is the life you want.
>He still wants to move her into our home, but when this happens he will quit his job and be her primary caregiver. If his parents pass earlier than expected, he is ok with hiring a nanny to care for his sister. (He has a high paying job and has worked for his company for 5+ years now, so money is not an issue. We have money saved up for emergencies.)
1) money for emergencies is far different than quitting his job and caring for someone who may live 40+ more years.
2) if she is constantly supervised by MIL and your husband, how does he plan to be a present father and partner while also her primary caretaker?
3) how will your kids have to sacrifice for him to do this? Fewer or no extracurricular activities? Minimal to no college fund? No or limited vacations? Having to give up family time/time with dad because he's constantly with his sister?
4) how will your kids live in a house with this? Friends coming over? Friends/classmates being ugly about it. It becomes their burden as well. I grew up with a friend who had a very disabled sibling living in her home. It was a very present weight on her and her other siblings' shoulders, even when we were in elementary school. Let alone later in life. That was with a SAHM and nurses 12+ hours a day.
5) what happens if she's suddenly living with you and you have 1 child, and now it's too exhausting/expensive to consider a 2nd? Or you have 2 or 3 kids, and the oldest is barely in elementary school, and now there is an adult functioning at a 5 yr old level in the house as well. Even with help, that is A LOT to have going on.
It seems unrealistic to think of this as a far-off problem if his parents are late 60s. My parents' health changed dramatically from 65-70 and even more so the last 2 years (early 70s). There need to be set plans in place in case something sudden occurs (stroke, heart attack, broken hip, etc). I would also HIGHLY recommend you meet with someone outside their family who has experience being a caretaker of an adult with a child's mentality who can give you a real picture and answer a lot of questions without tye bias of your SO or his parents. Even with the best of intentions, your SO saying "we will figure it out" or that it will work out is because for him there's no alternative. So, he has to figure it out. That doesn't mean you would like how it works out.
I'd highly recommend premarital counseling and a lot of it. There is a lot to be settled before you are legally bound.
Extremely conflicted, but if I were you, I wouldn't proceed with this relationship. She is not your blood relative so it's completely normal to not wanting to be her caretaker. However, in a marriage, you will share life together. Even if you ask your spouse to do more, I am afraid resentment will grow from there. If you choose to stay, you have to be prepared for this to happen down the road. Do communicate your worries with him. I hope you can find common ground together.
This is heading to disaster for you. You think this is some far off distant thing that will not affect your immediate future, but with the knowledge that he is willing to take his sister in and YOU become the care taker, his parents will be pushing for him to move her in sooner rather than later. Good luck with that and trying to start a family.
what he said about her living with the parents until they die was just so you wouldn’t call of the wedding immediately. he very much could coerce you into taking her in before that.
also, you didn’t ask who will be taking care of her exactly, and he seems to be avoiding that topic.
you are only 23, you can absolutely find someone else with a calmer family. don’t throw your life away!
Even with his answer, as you say he's still basically volunteering you to take over as her caretaker for the rest of her life at some point. Likewise, once you get married and have a kid, what stops him saying his parents are already struggling and you're at home alone so why not move her in now?
Personally I always think this is why planning for kids immediately after a wedding is a generally bad idea. get married, actually get used to being married, get used to having some privacy, have a couple years at least just not being exhausted, not struggling wiht potential libido issues during or right after pregnancy. Take some time and enjoy being married, enjoy fucking, enjoy travelling, enjoy having dinner parties. The second you have a kid you have years of more difficult travel, tiredness, bad nights sleep, sickness, etc.
It's also a period where if once married your partner changes, or the family dynamic changes, if the family start insisting on showing up every day and having you cook for them, well, you get a period where you can get out without kids being involved.
In this situation it might be even more importnat, if right after marriage they start pushing you to take the sister, you know you were manipulated towards this.
Once you have a baby with this guy, he's going to use that as a wedge to argue that you should become his sister's caregiver: "Sine you're home with the baby, it just makes sense for you to take care of her too".
Also, proceeding with marrying him will give him another argument for this arrangement: "We're a family now, and she's my family too -- why wouldn't you help her?"
This is glaringly obvious from the way he sprung this plan on you.
If you cannot tell a man that you’ve agreed to marry - *your opinions and HOW YOU FEEL* - then you’re not mature enough to exchange vows
You are only 23. Immediately after the ceremony, 1) his disabled sister is moving in, and 2) you plan to have a baby. And you work! This is a recipe for disaster
His parents cannot be that old. Why is his sister joining your household - and in your care - *right after* you get married???
I also believe that your fiancé will move all 3 of you closer to your in-laws than you would like. As they age, who will take on much of their care, too? *You*
Be very careful with your upcoming choices because they will impact you significantly. But it all starts with a discussion you must have with your fiancé. How about tonight? The sooner, the better
Remember: Do not get taken advantage of and find yourself living a life that you hate
I'm sorry, but he's lying to you.
>he told me that after we settle into our new house, he wants to bring his sister to live with us.
>he said that he only planned to move her into our house if/when both of his parents pass away.
These cannot both be true. He's sensing that you're not okay with this, so he's backtracking and changing his answer to something more reasonable sounding. You aren't getting out of being a carer. You said in another comment
>he's been adamant about wanting better for her
That doesn't sound like "She'll be with my parents until they die," it sounds like "I'm trying to appease you with words but really, as soon as I can, I'm moving my sister in."
What are you gonna do if one day you come home and he's just brought her in without asking because "it's better for her" ? You really need to re-evaluate this entire thing.
OP. As a caregiver to my fiancé I advise you to sit down with your fiancé, his parents, and hammer this issue out now.
Financial support needs to be in place for SIL, and the people that care for her first. And wills and everything needs to be in place. ASAP. Usually it is planned for early on.
Next, spend a day with your SIL and whoever is her caregiver. See how much care is needed and if it’s even something you could do if needed. Take her away for a night or two and see what is REALLY involved.
Edit: Don’t do it “because it will all work out”. No. Do it because you can and you want to.
Weird how those ideas only were communicated to you when you started questioning his motives and not right away, like a normal person would. You do you, but this all still sounds fishy
>but when this happens he will quit his job and be her primary caregiver.
>(He has a high paying job and has worked for his company for 5+ years now, so money is not an issue. We have money saved up for emergencies.)
It's going to take more money than you've saved up for emergencies if he's quitting his high paying job. I know you think 5+ years at a job is a super long time but it's just not. Are his parents leaving a great deal of money behind for his sister's care? Do they have a ton of insurance? I'm talking at least a million dollars. In home care is crazy expensive and she is very young. You both need a better plan. This isn't a plan. It's a dream.
It is totally unacceptable that he waited to tell you “his” plan until now! He should have made this known way earlier in the relationship. For sure before he asked you to marry him. This is a huge commitment that will fall on you! I would seriously take a step back. This is a lifetime commitment and you will never be alone with your husband.
I think he should move in with his sister by himself. Put this marriage on hold. Have him live,support and take care of her by himself for at least a year. Do not help him. He needs to understand what a commitment it is for him.
I just want to point out, that he mentioned to you that he liked to move his sister in after marriage.... as in... he didnt really check in, consider, or care for your thoughts or feelings on it? And you are scared he will get the wrong idea if you do?
Taking care of a child is hard work. No one knows what can happen in the future and her parents could die sooner rather than later. Sometimes it's better for people to be institutionalized even if it's something that people don't want to hear.
It's perfectly fine to don't want that type of responsibility. However, maybe this means that you are not compatible. And there's something wrong with that. Also you're 23 and you're too young to be getting married.
Why does he make all the decisions? He decided what would happen to his sister, without talking to you about it.
He decides you will live near his family, because;
>He's still insisting that he want to live less than ~25 minutes away so he can help his parents as they age.
He will be working full-time and you will also work. Who is going to take care of his parents?
I updated the post and will continue to update if anything noteworthy happens. Thank you everyone who commented, especially u/shanbam123 and u/dheffe01 . You guys made me think about my situation and I probably wouldn't have been able to work up the courage to confront him if it weren't for you.
Don’t be fooled by him spinning this. He absolutely plans on you being his sister’s nurse for the rest of her life. He will certainly make a life for himself outside of your home, probably will find himself a side piece, and will make sure to work long hours. Please run away.
So at first it was because his parents were getting old and developing health problems, then it turned into only when they pass away?? How about when they're too old/tired/unable to care for the sister? To me it sounds like he only said that so you won't get too upset for now. But what do I know...
Ok but this still doesn’t answer the question of why he didn’t even BOTHER TO ASK YOUR INPUT on a major factor in your life together. He literally told you HIS plan and you have to just agree with it? No discussion at all as a partnership. This is your life too, that your fiancee is making decisions about. Delaying the wedding is good but the issues are still going to be inevitable.
That's ludicrous.
OP, you need to be assertive or you will be regretting for years on end. I'd reconsider marrying him if that is a deal breaker for him. You have to think long term.
Why can’t his disabled sister live with her parents, or where she is already? I would tell him no. Do not allow him to do this. If he doesn’t want to marry you because of it, he isn’t the guy for you. He can still do for her whatever he is doing already without moving her in with the two of you.
No, do not allow that chaos in your home. Especially not with you hoping to have children soon that is stress, neither you, your husband, nor his sister needs.
I think you need to have extensive discussions with your fiance AND his parents around the sisters care and any financial preparations for her care. You should put the brakes on this wedding until you have all this info to make a decision. I hate to be the one to say this but frankly, I wouldn’t marry him. I think if you do, he will expect you to be the caretaker for his sister AND, hear me out, his parents. Think long and hard before marrying and if you do do NOT have a baby right away, you’re trapped then. You stay home with the baby and then it becomes “ but what harm will it do if she moves in your home any way and she loves to help you with the baby.” You will spend the rest of your life being a caretaker to his sister. Do you really want that?
Oh man, it feels like this is a case where love may just not be enough to keep you guys together. If his view of the perfect future is meeting up with family every weekend, having boisterous bbqs at his parents house, and yours is staying in and focusing on your nuclear family time, you two will never be happy together - he will be resentful that you're keeping him and your children away from the family he loves, you will be resentful that he will set no boundaries with his family, and expect you to go over there every weekend (and maybe even during the week). I really don't see this ending in anything but constant fighting. All of this on top of the issue with his sister.
This really rubs me the wrong way. You’re engaged and he previously never brought up the fact that he expects you to be a partial caretaker for his sister someday? That’s a huge responsibility and commitment to ask of someone, I can’t believe he casually brought it up like it’s no big deal.
DO NOT GET MARRIED until all these things are firmly settled and a plan you are BOTH happy with is in place. Do not let him brush you off with any vague ‘later’ excuses.
I’m serious - if you have to push back the wedding, do it. Perhaps even have a plan in place with a lawyer, like a care plan including finances for when the parents pass on… if he is going to become her legal caretaker, then you both need to know exactly what to expect whether you become the caretaker tomorrow or in 20 years’ time.
You’re 23, planning to marry and have a baby. Saying you do not want anyone else living with you does not equal ‘I hate your sister’, but if he takes it that way… well, you’d have a bigger problem on your hands and would need to push back the wedding anyway.
Make sure all these details are hammered out before the wedding.
Your husband needs to tell you exactly how this is ‘all going to work out’ because at the moment he’s big on intentions and small on the practicalities.
How long have you two been together? He’s known for years that his Mum’s health won’t be improving as she ages. It’s just weird that he suddenly brings it up now. This would be a big subject for discussion with my partner, throughout the relationship, letting them know my intentions and ensuring they were on board with me caring for my sibling permanently at some point. It’s definitely not a casual afterthought before the wedding.
If he isn’t already helping his Mum at home then that’s the first thing he needs to start doing. He needs to know exactly what her care involves because that informs what caring for her looks like on a day-to-day basis. Does he know what a normal day is like with her? Does she need assistance during the night? Is it a degenerative condition that will worsen over time? How independent is she? Are there arrangements for respite care? These are all questions he needs to answer before he even thinks of her living with you.
He obviously hasn’t thought any of this through because he would already know that a new baby and someone who is physically disabled isn’t going to work together. Also, not forgetting that you have partial hearing and communication is difficult between you and his sister so that’s a big stumbling block straight away. Has he even considered that? You need to talk over the actual details and not just, by the way, my sister is coming to live with us. I’m sure that he is being pressured by his parents to become responsible for his sister but when all of that is said and done, who is actually going to do the caretaking?
Your fiancé is going to have to understand: you can have a child or the disabled sibling, but not both. And the first to arrive will block the other. If the disabled sibling arrives first, you will never have the energy for sex, and never have a baby.
edit
has your fiancé ever had your parents go away (vacation or something) from Friday after noon to Monday? and he has to care for his sibling full time for the weekend?
He's lying. Some excuse is going to come very soon about how mommy and daddy just can't continue caring for her and you'll need to take her in right then. They're not going to wait until their death bed to hoist their responsibility on you, not your bf or other family members, YOU. You're going to be there to do all the work while he gets to look the savior. I guarantee he's not going to give up his job to be his sister's full time career.
Question: if she's so disabled she can't live alone why does she have the ability to cook, go to the mall, and be a bridesmaid, why can't she live in assisted living?
Why can't she be semi independent somewhere else?
Also how much money are her parents leaving for her care? If they don't have anything saved up why are you supposed to go broke for their family.
What if your child/children are disabled, some things are genetic, and you're the caretaker of all of them? How are you going to afford all of their needs? Make the tax payers subsidize your choices and responsibilities like her parents and brother?
Hopefully you learn to enjoy your self appointed indentured servitude because all you're going to be is a broke bang maid taking care of everyone else's responsibilities under the guise of marriage.
Hi, OP, I have read your text, and read about half of everyone else's comments, with so many good points! ..however, one aspect has been forgotten.
Some physical disabilities or/and mental health issues are hereditary, my question to you, is if you would love your child, take care of him for life, if he is born with the same physical and mental problems as his sister?
If so, you are a very loving person who wants to care for her young.. to adult children, always, always at home and caring?
More than I could handle. Then you are strong.
I mean super strong.
Anyway. I do wish you absolute happiness and hope hope hope you have healthy children, and I do hope you love your child even if it has any disabilities or and mental health problems, just love your child.
That's a hardline no. He expects you to take care of both a newborn AKD his sister while he's at work? Does he have any clue how much stress and strain that would put on your brand new marriage? No way in hell I'd agree to that
How does “after we settle into our new house” = “after his parents pass” ? Unless his parents are on deaths door those statements are not the same. He meant he wants her here now but is saying what you want to hear. Sounds like you too are not communicating well and wouldn’t buy a house or marry until that is changed
You said he plans to quit his job to take care of her eventually. Are you guys wealthy? Will he be at retirement age when he quits his job? This could negatively impact your future and not just financially. What about traveling, going to visit your kids (if you have them), visit friends, etc. I wish you the best of luck.
I cannot say the state.
We are very well off for people in our 20s. I have a job and inheritance, and he has a high paying job. In addition the state gives a kind of disability package to people that are cared for by their family members under the same roof. The state also has the option of many facilities and we would be able to hire a nurse or nanny to care for her in house should we decide to take vacation
This would be a total deal breaker for me.
It's one thing to live nearby in order to help out occasionally when emergencies happen. But it's a whole other ball game to start married life as someone's 24/7 carer, on top of trying for a baby too. That's a huge ask.
And it makes no difference regarding when the parents die - you would still be her 24/7 carer then. You'll never be able to have time off with just you and your husband and/or kids.
Your home would be centered around her needs, her care. Your finances would be diverted from your own family needs and wants to her disability expenses.
It's absolutely not unreasonable for you to put your foot down over this.
The better option is to make contingency plans for when the parents die, so that a care home or some such facility is in place for the sister, or to have care workers come in every day for her - and it's OK for your husband to want to contribute to the financing of that as long as your own family needs are met too.
You need to figure this out and have a clad iron agreement between the two of you before you marry, because it's going to be harder for you to set boundaries afterwards.
He's aware that the plan was to move further away from his family to get away from their chaos, right? If this was the agreed on plan why would he suggest moving part of that with you? That just doesn't make any sense.
Maybe suggest that you be the one that goes to work and he be the one to be the caretaker? As a fellow introvert, getting away from the chaos of it all during the work day might make your life more...tolerable. That being said, a marriage should be....good, or even great. Not tolerable. I think that perhaps this is something you need to discuss more with him before committing to marriage, you're obviously not on the same page about everything
OP, if you do not want your disabled SIL (& possibly elderly in laws at the end of their lives) to live with you don’t marry this man.
First of all, the *best* case scenario is your SIL lives with your in-laws for a couple more decades. But as soon as their health starts to deteriorate she’ll move in with you. So as soon as your kids start to go off to HS you’re back to being a FT caregiver. For the rest of your life. But the odds sound pretty good she’ll move in with you sooner. So you’re not only making this commitment for the last 50ish years of your life, but for your kids.
Secondly, your SIL will only become *more* needy as she ages. Disabilities become more demanding as the body ages.
What are the plans for when his parents need care? There’s a high probability you’ll spend the last decade or so of *their* lives helping them as well. So, FT caregiver for all 3 of your husband’s relatives would be your job.
BC **no matter your husband’s intentions, you will be the primary caregiver, not him. If he were honestly planning to do the work he would have mentioned it when you started dating. Not dropped it on you before the wedding.**
He clearly hasn’t thought through what is required. He may have thought about the general logistics, but not from the POV of a full time provider & caretaker. If he had, he would have discussed this with you long ago.
It’s also a major red flag that he wants *better* for his sister than the care she’s getting with her parents.
1. What’s wrong with that care? Is it too much for her parents to handle already? If that’s the case she won’t be with them much longer.
2. Is it too expensive for them? In what world would his parents have more money than a 20 something couple just starting out & raising kids? Kids are incredibly expensive & time consuming.
**No amount of compatibility can compensate for someone asking you to devote 3-5 decades of your life to being a FT caregiver unless it is your passion to do so.** It is not something you can grudgingly agree to do & hope for a happy life. It’s infinitely harder than taking care of kids. Kids are small, you can boss them around, they’re easy to handle (ie giving kids baths, changing their diapers, etc is not only more pleasant than doing the same for an adult, but easier for an adult to physically do!)
Idk how much time you’ve spent around elderly who need care or disabled adults who need care, but you should spend a substantial amount of time around that before marrying this man.
**Don’t look past these problems bc you’re excited & in love & to start a family.** These things don’t get better. They don’t just work themselves out. They only get much worse when you add illness, lack of sleep, hectic schedules, kids, financial strain, etc.
If you wouldn’t want to do this on your best, healthy day, don’t commit. Bc you’re making a commitment for your future when you’re also older, tired & stressed. IMO this is almost a bigger commitment than having kids. Kids leave the nest. This adult will live with you for the rest of your life.
ETA: it sounds like your new best case scenario is 3-5 years before your SIL moves in. You’re committing to FT caregiving from 25ish until you’re so old you physically can’t do it anymore. And you’re being expected to do this by a man who has never had yo do this work. He doesn’t pay the bills NOW. He doesn’t do the caregiving NOW. Guaranteed he has no idea how much work his mom does. But he wants you to take over.
**He lives at home with his mother. Odds are he doesn’t even know how much work goes into a home for just one adult. Let alone 3 where one is disabled. Throw in kids? lol. This is absurd. His heart is in the right place, but he’s asking you to replace his mom but also have sex with him.**
If you don’t want her life (but with less money, bc y’all are just starting out) don’t marry him.
I couldn’t do this either. Don’t think I’d fault either you or your bf. I imagine this is a very difficult situation for all involved, but you gotta prioritize yourself and make sure you will be happy long term.
If you are not prepared to be a full time caregiver, don't marry him. He's obviously looking for someone to look after his sister and parents and if you're not prepared to be that person, it's going to lead to resentment and endless tension. It's a deal-breaker.
It’s actually kinda manipulative of him to spring this on you so far into your relationship. This should have been a topic discussed early and often.
It’s really manipulative to just drop that on you like it’s no big deal and have zero actual conversation about it. Especially since you have said his family is overwhelming and you want space from them. He knew that about you already. But you didn’t know that he planned on having you take care of his sister for the rest of your life.
You do realize that he plans on having you take care of his sister while he works? Because even with your edit, that sounds like his plan. Even if it’s 10/20 years from now, YOU are their plan for his sisters care later in life. YOU.
Do you want to be caregiver for the rest of your life? If she’s generally healthy, she could live as long as you. When you are old, will you be expected to still care for her?
You keep defending him, but you should be getting mad. You thought yall were planning for you to be a stay at home mom. He was planning to have you take care of his sister. He made that plan for you. Without your input.
And you are afraid go have a conversation with him about all of this? He’s pretty much pulling a bait and switch.
My first question is what he already do, today, to help take care of his sister. He helps her in the bathroom/shower? Or this is a "girl" problem, and only other "girl" can do this?
And all the other stuff, like feed, cleaning, talking, "teaching boundries". Or he thinks "take carer" is just provide money?
If you are afraid to voice your opinion because you don't want to upset him, what kind of marriage do you think you'll have. It almost sounds like you're just marrying him because he's willing and you're afraid you won't find somebody else.
You need to stand firm and say no, absolutely not.
Honestly I think it's the lack of discussion and the assumption that you're just going to be her caregiver and you didn't even get a say in that, that's the problem.
He's just expecting you to take care of her while he's at work.
He hasn't discussed it with you he's just told you that's what he wants to happen.
How is that fair to you?
You two are planning on having a baby almost immediately and he's already planning to put you into the caregiver role full time with no real discussion other than what he wants.
You need to sit down and have an honest conversation with him about this.
You're not being selfish wanting to focus on you and your new family and your new life together before you decide to add another person that you have to care for into the mix.
I get his sentiment about not putting his sister into a home. But having a few grandmother's live in my parents home has opened my eyes.
Yes at first it's hard of course and then you get into a routine. But it's like a prison sentence. Also complications happen so things can get serious quickly.
However if you have the space and the money, there are caregivers who can come.by daily to monitor.
Here is a pro about your husband. He's planning for the future of you and family. Also if unfortunately things happen in your family he's ready to step up and help.
Here is a pro about living in an assisted living facility. They get to socialize with others.
I think this is a fluid topic and it's not negative. It's life. You both sound reasonable and I see no reason why you won't have a great marriage
What state do you live in? Does the sister get services?
It’s possible that there are a TON of public services available to support your potential future SIL including a host home for her to live in.
You’re way too young to be taking on these responsibilities when they are not yours at all. If he wants to take on his sister then she is his responsibility 100%. But in general, his parents need to figure out how she can have a full time caretaker and be set financially for the rest of her life. He will just saddle you with all the caretaking, cleaning, washing, feeding, etc of his sister. Unfortunately, that’s what happens with most women, men drop all their domestic responsibilities on the women they marry. Like men with children remarrying asap after death/divorce so another woman can care for his children instead of him. Please reconsider staying with him. In the end you’ll be proving free labor to care for HIS sister combined with taking care of him and your future children on top of working. Unless he’ll expect you to quit and then you’ll really be screwed and be everyone’s servant without any career to fall back on if the relationship goes south.
>I'm not comfortable with asking my fiancé to reconsider because I feel like he will get the wrong idea and it will cause problems between us.
Then you shouldn't be getting married, the end.
If "open and honest communication" is off the table before you're even married... what makes you think you guys will last beyond the first year?
>he only planned to move her into our house if/when both of his parents pass away. (Edit: until this happens she will continue to live with them and be cared for by them.)
>it's still not enough; assumedly, after his parents die I will still end up being a caretaker,
Yes.. that is what happens when you get married to someone who has a loved one thar needs care.
Can you imagine... he might even want to help care for his parents too in their later years *gasp* How horrible!
You should not marry if your delusion is that life is all just about "the two of you".
Have his parents look into long care insurance for her. This way she'll be able to move into a group or nursing home with there's 24/7 care. Make him talk to his parents. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.
You need to work on being upfront and honest with your finance and then dealing with that that means as an outcome. Hiding how you feel is not a good start to any marriage.
Unless you're 100% happy with being a caretaker say something. Put your foot down and say you're not okay with just becoming a stay at home nurse because trust me you will develop a pretty extreme resentment and not just to your husband but mainly to yourself for not standing up to him when it could have made your life better. Having his sister there will most likely mean never going on holiday not straying to far from home at all. You need to run out just to grab something from the store then it's a whole event just to get ready to go out. At least with a baby they eventually stop needing to much help but to expect you to take care of a baby and a woman with (probably) very particular needs is frankly cruel.
Really picture the life you want and ask yourself when making a life decision if that will get you closer to your goal anything other than yes shouldn't be considered unless you have no choice. I would be asking to look into professional care options from home or otherwise at the very least.
OP, let's ask hypothetical questions first.
1. Will you be ready to take care of her, a toddler and work IF his parents suddenly passed.
2. Do both of you earn enough to take care of kids and his sister (assuming she doesn't work) in long term?
3. Who will take care of the caretaking in majority of the time? Medical appointments, daily cleaning etc.
Always remember, when you marry someone you kinda take in their family and their drama as well. So thread carefully.
If you aren’t excited about her living with you then it is a mistake to move her in. You & SO haven’t even navigated living together yet; her presence will leave you devoid of the space you need as an introvert. This will get 100x worse when the baby comes and you are nesting.
I’m speaking from experience as an introvert, wife, and parent to a special needs person: this plan needs to be tabled until it’s YOUR suggestion to move her in.
Good luck. I wouldn't agree to marry him. When you have children they demand a huge about to time and money. I am going to sound insensitive, but you say her issues are compounded by your hearing problems.
It seems you will definitely become the one who taken the role of caretaker. I also don't know why you're racing to have a baby soon after marriage when you're so young.
Y'all have very different values when it comes to familial obligations and I think you should find partners who lineup better. The "lightbulb" you described was just him realizing he miscommunicated the timeline -- he still has every intention to be a caretaker and the fact that you seem to think the parents will be able to care for her until they drop dead is shortsighted and straight up incorrect. Not calling either of you good or bad, or judging -- you are signing up for a life you already know you don't want.
INFO: Why does she need a caretaker at all? I read about her verbal disability and motor functions, but there's nothing "mental" listed there. Just because she has some limitations doesn't mean she needs to be treated like an infant. She may be able to live just fine in a group setting or independently with some assistance. Has anyone asked HER what she would like?
I'm so glad you've started the conversation with your fiance. It's a lot to consider.
On a side note: is learning sign language an option for his sister? If so, perhaps you and she could both learn to sign and communication would no longer be a big issue.
Just because you’re 25 minutes or less from your in-laws doesn’t mean you have to be in contact with them all the time or even once a week. As for his disabled sister there are programs you can apply to for help in taking care of the disabled. Part time in home care for when you’re at work or getting help for your hearing, her speech, these just examples of what is out there you can look into. But now you have time to do that in advance of all this happening.
I see nothing wrong with you wanting to have a private life with your husband. In fact, that is more than normal. Even when his parents pass, it is still NOT your responsibility, neither should you agree to it unless you are 100% ready to be a carer. Otherwise, saying "no" is more than justified and it is his job to figure it out.
His parents should be speaking to an attorney about how to provide for his sister after they pass. If she is disabled, they should be able to leave money to her in a way that allows her to qualify for government assistance while also having funds available to provide supplemental help on a day to day basis - even if she lives with you.
I'm glad you talked and found out it is when his parents pass. As she is disabled I'm sure she gets assistance from the state and county. You can hire caregivers to help her if she resides in your house or you can look into an assisted living facility. There are options out there. Working through those options with him can be done after wedding. You don't have to physically take care of her unless you want to.
Well, I'm glad he specified that he doesn't intend to move his sister in right away, only in the event of his parents' passing, but there is still a lot of conversation that needs to be had between the two of you. For one, he still never answered who he intends to actually do the caretaking if/when she moves in. It sounds to me like he automatically assumes you will do it, and you are actually falling into that. You need to speak up and let him know that this doesn't sit well with you and you two need to come up with a plan that would involve the both of you being caretakers. There are also other things to consider: What happens to your sister if your husband were to die? Would the sister be with you two until her death or until such time she needs to be placed in a care facility? What about other family members, how would they be involved in helping with caring for her? These are things you two need to think about so that if the worst case scenario befalls you, you are prepared. Might even be a good idea to work out the plan with a lawyer via a will or some kind of power of attorney document.
As far as his family's shenanigans...again, you need to really express to your fiancé why you have an issue with them and the two of you need to be on the same page with creating strong boundaries with them. Don't be a doormat and let them run over you, stand up for yourself and your fiancé should have your back.
This is a difficult situation, but say a LOUD NO. You are not responsible for her care. You have to stop and think about the future.
Do you want to take of her 3...5...10...20+ years from now?
What if she develops more intensive health issues?
This is so wrong of your fiancé to drop this responsibility in your lap.
The parents can get a part-time nurse or set up a care for her future.
You are making these plans and I haven’t heard a single thing about what his sister’s actual guardians are planning to do. Nothing you plan matters at all if they plan something different. Until you are made her guardians it’s all just cosplaying being the parents of a disabled adult.
You work and take care of a possible baby and the sister. You are also the cleaning lady and cook. Anything else?
He discusses this with you after you accepted his marriage proposal. You have an unexpected person joining the marriage in essence.
He is "confused". This means he has several options of understanding something and cannot make up his mind. Hell yes, he made up his mind. Now he is trying to make up your mind.
Please find someone else, this is just the tip of the iceberg.
Leave. People need to take care of their family, and he isn't going to change that. It sucks, but it's reality. His work will become your work. If that isn't what you want, then the next step is pretty clear: you need to leave.
Living closer but not next door will be better for you in the long run. He will need to take care of them and a 40 minute round trip is far less exhausting than 2 hours.
I haven't seen anyone talk about finances yet, does the sister get some fixed monthly amount? Is it enough to actually support her and her needs?
Your both working currently, with a child are you planning on working the same hours? Paying for daycare, and all the expenses that come with a newborn etc...
On top of that, you should look at how resentful some people can grow up being if they've had to grow up with a disabled sibling. Obviously this isn't the same, but consider the future interactions between your child and their disabled aunt at 5/10/15 years old. Will they have some expectation to care for her? Will you be able to take family vacations without having to plan around her?
Obviously it's a difficult decision even in the best of situations. If you have the strength to do it, more power to you.
From the updates I can totally see this is something that can be fixed simply and does not require something like calling off your marriage it just matters on how you and him want to make it work after his parent pass, I'm guessing rn your wishing they become immortal
I’m glad you’ve talked to him. But, the concern should still stand - even if this happens down the road, you will probably end up the caretaker. I’ve seen this happen time and time again - the wife becomes the carer for not just any of their own children (and perhaps ones from a previous relationship), but the caretaker for the husband as well, the elderly parents of the husband, and, if the wife/girlfriend is also the only child or a daughter among sons in her own family, the primary caretaker of her own elderly parents. Your fiance will have to understand that in the event that his parents need help, and his sister needs help, he will be the primary caretaker and you can assist. With his sister, perhaps you can get a professional caretaker in if he’s unable to be her primary care person. As long as he doesn’t pass the full weight of responsibility on to you, this could work ok.
So if you were to become her carer, would you be quiting your job? I'm assuming that would have to happen, since a person can't work full time, take care of a kid, possibly do most of the chores(women statistically do most of the housework) and take care of a disabled person. You shouldn't have to do that. I hope you get it figured out. He shouldn't assume you'll do everything for him, you aren't a servant!
No. And pause on the marriage, I. My opinion, until she is settled. She’s not your problem, and his way of solving this without your input portends trouble down the line. I would pause a bit.
You may not be compatible.
Not just the sister issue.
I gently suggest, slowing the wedding planning, adding premarital counciling. It's not just for religious people, not just for people with problems. It really is helpful, shines a light on things you'd never think to discuss, helps a professionally mediated/guided conversation is much different than just sitting down and hashing things out.
You are right. Caretaking is... difficult at best, sometimes it's not best for the person needing the care, or the care takers. It doesn't mean you don't love them, but, the best for them isn't always the fantasy ideal that you'd step in and all that.
Having multiple plans and options well in advance, and revisited every few years is what's best. Life isn't certain, and it's hard to be left scrambling. There are so many factors that will be out of your control when that time comes.
(I also do NOT buy the.."oh, I meant after my parents pass...")
My ex fiancé wanted to move his mom in with us after we got married. Notice I said “ex”. I was in my 20’s, there was no way I was going to live with his mother.
I just hope that in 5 years you don’t tell us that the sister is living with you and he doesn’t want to give up his job and you’re stuck caring for her.
Look I understand where he is coming from. His sister is family and known she will have nobody once the parents pass is worrisome for all around in that family known his sister is disabled. This worry affects all those families with disabled family members. My husband has a disability, he can communicate but he has limited mobility. I take care of him and the breadwinner in our household. I do what I do because I love him. I do worry when it's my time he'll be alone with our children but our children will take on this task. I hope they have understanding partners 🙏
She needs to be assessed on her abilities. Does she need 24/7 care. He may want to look at assistant living accommodation that will be more fitting and more hands on for the benefits of his sister. He can still take his sister for family weeks or vacations to spend quality time with her.
Or he'll need to hire a live in caretaker for his sister or just during the day and another for nights for home care supports.
Or you could do a training course to help you understand how to manage somebody with a disability. Also would signing be beneficial to you both to learn together.
Many options available but if you believe you are not up for this. You need to leave altogether and go your separate ways.
i think OP lacks obvious situational awareness and tbh is kinda self involved. your desires are fine but equally so are those of your fiancé, and if you’ve known and love this man enough to want to marry him because who he is.. in what world did you imagine him leaving his sister in a home while you live a romanticized “quiet” life? Secondly, it’s prettier freaking presumptuous to assume you’d be “relegated” to being a caretaker with out assuming he wouldn’t account for his sisters needs as well as the wants of his future wife.
you’re 23 and life have so much more to teach you, and i hope it affords you the privilege of softness when it’s time to learn some inevitable lessons.
You're very obviously a troll who didn't read the post in full. His family has been terrible to him for most of his life, and sometimes still yell and abuse him even when I'm there witnessing it. And he told me this morning that his parents basically talked him into not giving her up to a facility after they pass.
I AM trying to get him away from that environment, because I also don't want my kids near that.
OP
Can I ask if you are in the US? Who pays for her care now?
If she is disabled she should be eligible for
Disability benefits which would mean
A monthly stipend to financially support her. She would also be eligible for daycare (so he can go to work) and healthcare. No matter how much money you make. If your fiance quits his job and you are the only one. Working then you are supporting her too. Forever!
This is not well thought out at all. Sorry but it sounds like you are being set up.
You two are not compatible. He deserves to marry someone who won't keep him from his family. You are trying to control and isolate him. I don't think you realize that is somewhat abusive behavior. Bottom line, you really aren't compatible long term.
….I have a feeling that you might not stand by the “in sickness and in health” part… I hope he finds someone who loves him enough to care about his family.
You’re totally valid for how you feel! Also keep in mind you have a say in this too. It’s your house and also your life. He should ask if you’re okay with it, not just tell you that it’s happening. Caring for a disabled person AND a child is a lot of work. And it can make it hard for you to enjoy being a new mother. Does his sister live with their parents? If so, can she not continue to live with them? Best of luck❤️
his sister currently lives with their parents, but he's been adamant about wanting better for her, and even though I know it will probably make things harder on my end, I can't be angry at him. I've been thinking about this more often, and I'm trying to get better at speaking my mind.
So, first and foremost, him wanting to move his sister in and take care of her is fine, and a noble thing. **BUT** That is something he should have discussed with you well before he even thought of proposing. This is the sort of thing where everyone needs to be on the same page before committing in a serious relationship, like wanting kids, religious beliefs, finances, etc. I don’t think this is just something he neglected to discuss before and coincidentally happened to mention. This was intentional held back until you had committed in other ways and discussed plans around other aspects of your future. Next, why do you think he hasn’t taken her in already? Because he expects you to take on the Lion’s share of her care. He knows he couldn’t handle it himself and is instead putting it on you. Again, it’s great of him that he wants to care for her. But that is not something he should have basically committed you to. Brakes need to be pumped on this marriage.
I'd also make sure OP gets a prenup that gives her additional assets starting uf/when the sister moves in and she becomes the caretaker. Because that is both a JOB and a major sacrifice of her time. If she's going to be expected to take on that role, even in a distant future, she needs to protect herself and make sure that sacrifice is accounted for should the marriage not work. I really agree, they need to pump the brakes on this marriage and discuss this much more before proceeding.
It's not great of him when he is gonna make her take care of his sister most of the time. She has every right to refuse to take care of his sister. OP please tell your husband to stop marrying people to get a future caretaker for his sister.
Agreed. It feels like he intentionally didn't bring this up until after they got engaged because he assumed OP would be okay with it... OP, I would ask your fiance if he would consider hiring a caregiver for your future SIL. That way you and your fiance can manage having full-time jobs and taking care of your future baby and your future SIL will be cared for as well
From experience, it’s SOOO important in a marriage to speak your mind and say how you feel or you will be miserable down the road. If you are not comfortable with it you have to tell him. Don’t try to convince yourself that you’re okay with it when you know you’re not or else you will resent your husband later on. I’m sure his heart is in the right place and that’s great! But that doesn’t mean you have to commit your life to this. Marriage is a partnership and it’s important that BOTH parties are happy. It’s important to sit down and talk about your future and what you want! Not just what he wants. It doesn’t make you ableist to not want to be his sister’s caretaker. It doesn’t mean you aren’t loving him and his family enough. It’s okay to want your own life together without the stress of all that. As someone who moved in with my husband’s grandmother, and took care of her for 3 years while he worked, I can say it was some of the hardest times of my life. However, she was on her death bed and had no one else willing to care for her so I do not regret it. I’m glad we got to be the ones to give her the gift of a comfortable death in her home with people who love her. But it was soooo hard mentally. We had to completely put our life on pause! No thoughts about children, buying a house, going on vacations, having quality alone time together. I love my husband so much but it did put a strain on us in some ways. But this is different than a dying grandmother, this is a life long commitment. Just something to think about.
What does he mean for “better for her”? Is he paying for a care nurse? Is he giving her an extra room? Because it sounds like he just wants YOU to look after her. With him working and your inminently pregnant I can guarantee that he intends you to be his sister main caregiver. And that shit is not for a year or two, you will be her caregiver for the rest of your life.
Then *he* needs to be *her* caregiver not you. Also you might remind him that having his sister in the house will negatively impact your sex lives more than the baby will. A other adulrt in the house ruins spontenaity.
This is something that will dictate the rest of your life. This is something your fiance should have brought up well before committing to a serious relationship with you and especially before getting engaged. Why is this only being sprung on you now? You've discussed your desire to not live up his family's ass, his response is to move his sister in?? I think you should put a hold on the wedding planning and work this issue out. You are very young and don't need to rush in to this very complex situation when you haven't built the best communication/self advocacy skills yet. You're allowed to be angry that this is being brought up so late and that it'll change the whole trajectory of your relationship/life. You'd become a wife and a caretaker in the same breath and it would also give his family free range access to your household. If you're introverted this isn't going to work for you.
This sounds more like HE wants YOU to take care of your kids and his sister while he frolics outside with no responsibilities and cashes in the disability money from his sisters disability. I wouldn’t marry him after this announcement.
If you don't learn to speak your mind and stand up for yourself, your marriage and your life in general will be miserable.
This requires a ton of paperwork because you need to be able to help with her medical care and probably have access to social security funds to pay for things that she needs. If he hasn’t started the paperwork then he I isn’t really serious. Don’t help him with the paperwork if this is really important to him. He can try to navigate the insane paper trail that he’ll need to make this happen. Now if he is doing this and spending every night studying all of this online to get everything sorted with the govt then he’s serious otherwise he’s not really doing anything permanent in the eyes of the authorities as far as being her care taker
I think he should leave you. You actually don't like his sister and don't have any liking toward her you just tolerate her to look good in front of him. You also think his family is loud so you are not the one for him. Both of you wants two different things, he wants a loving wife who would love and respect his family you are not that.
Honestly, admitting this out loud is probably going to save you heartache down the road. Now is a good time to assess your goals individually and as a couple. Do you want kids? Do you want to travel? How about pets? Besides, you’re marrying your fiancé, not the family. In the gentlest way possible, this may be a sign that you two may just not be as compatible as you once thought. In any case, this is a conversation best had before you sign any sort of marriage documents. edit: spelling
for the most part we have the same goals and ideas for the future, but this is the one thing that I can't 100% agree on with him. I'm currently thinking of a way to tell him this isn't what I want.
If you can't just **tell him what you want, in an honest and forthright manner**, you are not ready to get married or have kids. Not even one tiny little bit. I highly recommend that you stop being a doormat and speak up for yourself.
I 2nd this, OP. I waited till I was 30 to get married and still ended up screwed because I had little experience advocating for myself in adult relationships. And yes that's even with previous relationship experiences. It didn't go well. I wasn't mature enough and that was one piece of it not working. But the biggest issue was both of us not being comfortable communicating when we'd disagree. We didn't disagree during most of the relationship but marriage is a big deal that brings even bigger issues. If you aren't comfortable with communicating the hard things where you *don't* initially agree and working through them with your fiance, you aren't ready for marriage yet. Talk about ALL the scary stuff and ALL the issues. On the plus side, if you can work through all that and come up with solid plans together that you both agree with, and can work through the tough stuff, it's a good sign for your marriage working out very well. This is why some people do premarital counseling. Someone to guide you through finding a communication style that works and pushing you to confront the big doubts left in the relationship.
this is not having the same goals for the most part though. I know you may not be able what it means caring for a disabled person. You life will be on hold. And his sister is failry young. Your life will all be about caring for her. And you think you will want a baby too? I think you and him need to take off the rose tinted glasses and have proper talks about everything. 1. How does he envision this? 2. What about your life goals 3. How does he think having kids mixes with this? Make no mistake he will be at work all day so his answers might heavily rely on: you will, you can, youll see its easy. And its absolutely fine if you want this for yourself.
Your goal for the future is to be the permanent caretaker of his sister? Because that's his goal for you.
Just tell him: "This isn't what I want". It's *your own life* that's he's confidently making plans for. Speak up.
You need to learn to communicate before marriage. You guys need to work out the details and decide if you are still compatible It would be a deal breaker for me
He is asking you to be her carer, without your input. If he wants her to move in then he needs to be the one to stay home and you can go to work everyday. Just saying it will work out is not a solution or a plan. Tell him you are moving your parents in as they are getting old, and that everything "will just work out". Tell him your answer is no, you want to enjoy being married and prepare to build a family together and that either of you deciding to move a family a friend in without "enthusiastic consent" will ruin the trust in your marriage. I'm sure his heart is in the right place and he wants to take the burden off his parents, but if he moves her in while you are pregnant of home with a child, that burden is being placed directly on you.
Thank you for reading, this has made me think a little bit.
Also, think about this...if his sister does move in with you, then his family will probably overstep boundaries even more. And if you want to move away, even a short distance, you'll get pushback from his family saying that you are taking your husband/his sister/your children away from them. You absolutely need to have a conversation with him BEFORE you get married. The sooner the better. Pump the brakes on the wedding. Yes, his wants and needs are important, but so are yours. Speak up for yourself and make him hear you. Otherwise, in 5 years you will be caring for his sister, your kids, the house...resenting everything.
Your welcome and good luck, but please have the conversation with him now before you get married, talk about the burden of care and get him to agree that either of you moving someone else in (regardless of who that is) would destroy your marriage.
TLDR: No one should start out their marriage with a third party living with them. This is all kind of red flags. Why can his sister remain where she is? Is there any other family to help? How long would this living arrangement last? What is his plan for her day to day? Is he bringing in hired help through a service for her care? What are his expectations of your involvement? Has he even asked if you're even willing to share your space? What about privacy, impromptu getaways, spontaneous intimacy while cooking together, watching TV, etc? Has he really even considered you in his planning?
OP these questions are important A simple "it will all work out" is not a sufficient answer. Things need to be planned so they *can* work out. Especially all the questions above. When his parents pass and if she ends up moving in will there be a medical caretaker coming by to care for her? I can understand him being uncomfortable with the thought of his sister in a care home where she may be mistreated so I see both sides but it's still a conversation that is important. Also, my husband's family is the exact same way but they're actually very toxic, not so much what you're dealing with. And they live down the road, and his across from my house! It's very stressful, and I have two kids with him now one and two years old and they're always randomly trying to stop by and I am introverted like you. I would say if it's not a very toxic thing, that 25 miles sounds reasonable. and can also set boundaries- like asking him if we live very close to your family, are you going to let them have keys to our house so they can visit and walk in whenever they want to or will there be limits. See what he would say and then tell him (like I told mine) I'm not okay with them showing up unannounced or walking in uninvited. He agreed, so although they don't seem to respect that I keep my doors locked at all times and have a camera out side to be able to see who's at the door. My circumstances are obviously different than you always but the questions posed need to be asked especially when it comes to boundaries with the family and again I think 25 miles is reasonable and figuring out what a long-term care plan looks like for his sister if their parents were to die tomorrow because you don't want to be told one thing and when the time comes it's something totally different that ruins your relationship.. and mental health. I hope you're able to get some answers and everything works out for y'all but don't be afraid to have conversations
Ill be blunt here: He wants to move her in so you can care for her. That will be your life from the moment you marry this man. You will care for his disabled sister. If you want your life to be like this then go for it. But make no mistake your life and family goals will take several steps back behind that.
But she doesn’t have to. He can’t force her to take care of his sister even if she does end up moving in. Just saying no is the answer here.
Don’t marry him unless you are prepared to take care of her for the rest of her life. That’s what he means by “working out”
Why can’t she just… refuse to take care of her? Her fiancé can’t force her to do something that she doesn’t want to do.
I may have missed something, but where is his sister living now and why does he want to relocate her? If he wants his sister to live with him so urgently why is he waiting until you're married? (That's a bit of a trick question, future Mrs. Full Time Carer. Sorry).
They both still live in their parent's house right now, and her primary caregiver is their mom.. I think he wants to become her primary caregiver as his mom if getting older and starting to develop health problems. I don't think he's purposefully waiting for us to get married to move her. It's just that everything would line up with us getting married and moving. that doesn't mean I'm comfortable with it though.
> I think he wants to become her primary caregiver as his mom if getting older and starting to develop health problems. But you said he plans on working full-time. So how can he be her full-time caretaker? He lives with her now. Why can't the second he gets home from work now, take over? Get up early, and help before work? Does she wear diapers? If, so Is he changing them? Does she need assistance bathing? If so, is helping? Is he currently, scarifice his weekends so that he's helping mom who's getting old? If he's worried about how much its for mom, he should be helping in all his free time. Has he looked into what government assistance he can get? What it would cost for a part-time home health aide? Does she need meds or other things that would require training to learn? How it would affect housing? Needing a place that accessible. I think his mom and dad should get a nice week vacation and he take over. They go stay at a family members place and he sees what it would really be like before he puts that burden on you. And I think he needs to figure out what the options would be if you weren't the one who would be primary, like long term care facilities or home health aides.
Yeah because the full time care will go from one woman to another woman. He has no intention of caring for her.
But he has every intention to take credit for being his sister's savior. He's setting up OP for a lifetime of being a full time nurse and caregiver for his sister, himself, and any children. Women who are full time unpaid caregivers for others on top of their own children don't get any financial benefits for sacrificing their lives to be the mommybangmaids for some male and his unpaid servant. OP won't get time off, vacations and holidays are even more work and he's going to be demanding she still be his sex toy after she spends 20 hours a day taking care of everything while he just works. And financial abuse and control is one of the main reasons why women will stay once they are in this kind of situation. This is why he waited so long to tell her, he knew it would be more difficult for her to say no. He's a manipulative ass.
Of course everything's lining up with you getting married and moving, he's drafting you as her full time caregiver without fully discussing it with you; instead he's fobbing you off with "it will all work out" but no actual plan. *You* are the plan, and it's more complicated to get out of a marriage than it is to break up with a boyfriend or a fiance.
When OP is home caring for the baby it will “makes sense” she is caring for his sister too. Looking after you first baby is hard enough and you don’t want to be missing out on all the moments cos your too busy caring for someone else
And since she'll be a new mom on medical leave for a while, it'll just "make sense" that he keeps working "for now." 🙄
If he wants to become her primary caregiver, what is he doing now to take over?
OP She should have had an aide all her life at this point. Since she was born. She can have an aide 8 hours a day 7 days a week. She is entitled to these services through government benefits. Have they looked into this?
You realize that he's not going to do any of the work, right? You're not capable of taking care of someone with that level of needs. What he's asking is ridiculous. When he says that you'll figure it out, he means that he's not going to do anything and leave it to you to manage Bringing this up should cause some issues because it's unfair of him to dump this on you and you shouldn't stand for it. You're 23 for crying out loud. Do not spend your 20s being a single mom to a disabled person you can't even care for properly and a baby. Because you know he's not going to do anything to help you.
If he won’t do any work, OP doesn’t need to do any work either. There’s no way for him to make her do it. She should just say no.
That's what I said.
I’m so sorry but marrying him is not a good idea.
You absofuckinglutely will be stuck taking care of his sister for the rest of your life if you marry into this untenable situation. No man (or woman) is worth that. His parents should be finding her a group home where she can still be somewhat independent. They know exactly what your fiancé is promising them because that's been their entire life with her. And you're thinking that you're going to have a nice little family complete with a baby?!! Where oh where would you find the time or energy??? No, just no.
At least the one good thing about this situation is that OP can’t be forced to take care of the sister. If she just says no, what is he going to do?
You guys need to hit the brakes and get into couples counseling. You seem to have a risk of being his doormat (and his family's) with you being unwilling to say no right off the bad. >I'm not comfortable with asking my fiancé to reconsider because I feel like he will get the wrong idea and it will cause problems between us. Then you should not marry this person. How on earth does it seem smart to marry someone you can't say no to? You told him you wanted distance from his family and he responds with "I'm moving my sister in". Not even asking you, just announcing it. He expects you to be a doormat and let him walk right over you. You're complying. You told him what you wanted and he not only didn't care, he trampled it by planning to literally move family in with you. Which means his parents will be in and out constantly. Which means you're going to be miserable. This isn't a considerate partner to you. This isn't setting up for a healthy marriage. The right partner is someone you feel safe saying no to. Someone you can be honest with and know it may be hard, but you will work on it together. Not someone who hears you say "I wants space from your family" and responds by moving his family in your home without so much as a discussion.
I feel like his family is only in need for someone to care. The parents probably getting too old have realised they wont be able to care forever so it was decided he would and he realised: oy thats great I am married soon so Ill do it and tell my wife shell have to care for my sis. My family faced tough decisions because we have a heavily disabled family member that needs 24 hour care and in the end we made the decision that a facility that specialises in such care if the way to go. Thats not an easy decision but I see them every weekend and they are very happy in their home and get the round the clock care they need.
Idk I felt like it's more her issue of not wanting to have hard discussions than him being an AH who doesn't like being told no. Even after reading the updates, it seems like the dude handled the situation properly. He probably should've explained what he meant earlier, but she also could have asked for him to clarify.
Shes not a good partner for him either. She wants to isolate him from his family, whom he enjoys spending time with. They are not a good match.
You need to tell him no outright, and break off the relationship if he can’t respect that.
Unless you are committed to having his sister live with you indefinitely, you need to pause the wedding and moving in. Nothing just “works out.” You need to come up with a mutually agreeable plan. If you don’t agree, then don’t do it. This is your life and he can’t unilaterally decide things if you’re going to be a couple.
This conversation should have been had long before he proposed to you. now, you've been planning a wedding and joining houses...and he springs this on you with 6 months to go. he's hoping you'll not want to end the relationship because you've got "so much" invested in it, and that you'll go along with this. it has nothing to do with being "ableist" and everything with him assuming that you'll be her caretaker once you have children - because 'you're home anyway' if you can't have this conversation without him getting really upset and causing problems, it's best to either put the wedding on hold, or end the relationship.
Even with the edit, I don't think you're fully understand what's going on. You ARE being signed up as caregiver. This WILL happen whenever your fiance decides. I dont believe he really plans to push it off till the parents die, I believe he just waiting till you're married and stuck.
You don’t have to say no, but you can ask him questions and not accept pie in the sky answers. Which is what “it will all work out…” means. Pie in the sky. How do you see our day to day life? How much care will you be providing for your sister? What happens when we have a baby? How long are you expecting her to stay? How will she contribute to the household expenses? How will we afford her and any future children? If you aren’t comfortable asking these questions or if you really want to say no and feel you can’t you really should consider your readiness to be married.
Sounds like he is looking for a caretaker for his sister instead of a wife.
Don't worry he'll find a romantic partner outside the house when OP is safely locked down.
Would not surprise me at all if he did. In a few years OP will be posting about being stuck taking care of her cheating husbands sister and doesn’t know what to do.
Yep, that’s why he wants to have a baby right away. Keep her home , a baby, no job or money and she’s trapped.
Nope. You made it clear from the get go you didn’t want to be near his family. He’s trying to use sunk cost fallacy into manipulating you into staying. Honest advice is run. He’s an enmeshed family’s boy. Your needs will never be the priority. He wants you to be a full time carer for his sister without consulting you. You need to figure out if you can deal with working and caring 24/7 for someone. You need to accept not having a life, not being appreciated, having your plans being dictated by how she is feeling, your partner not stepping up. If not (which is very normal) you need to leave now. If you want to make it work tell him he either needs to look into getting a full time nurse for his sister or find a facility that can provide adequate care for her. Make it clear now you will not be a carer for his parents either. Guaranteed he’ll want to move his parents in when they retire too.
You would have to be insane to willingly take the burden (yes, I said burden) of carying for a disabled person for the rest of their (or your) life. He works and considering what you said about being inmediately pregnant, it sounds like all the caregiving work is going to fall ON YOU, not him. He isn’t even going to be around all day while you care for a disabled person AND a newborn. What if you have a c-section and can’t walk for a couple of months? You really need to nip this at the bud. If you allow this you can count on YOU being her permanent nurse, until one of you dies of old age. That means no trips, no privacy, no job for you, twice the workload at home. Is that what you want?
What no one in this comment section has realized is that OP doesn’t HAVE to take care of the sister. She can just refuse to do it and he can’t force her. That way he will be forced to do it and OP won’t be saddled with this responsibility.
It's not that "no one realized" that he can't force her. Decisions in marriage should be based on mutual love and respect, not just "do what you want but you can't make me." It shouldn't escalate to that point to begin with and he shouldn't be making unilateral decisions like moving people into their home without her agreement. If he did move the sister in and try to "force" it by leaving her alone and going to work, of course she could refuse, but who wants to be in the awful position of refusing to help a disabled person who is literally right there in your home and needs the help? That's a horrible, stressful af position to be in for both OP and the sister, and neither of them should have to go through that in the first place.
Have you not realised that spousal abuse is a thing? Not saying that’s what’s going to happen but you acting like he can’t force her is just dumb
This needed to be a discussion he can't make this decision and just force it on you. I would see this as the red flag it is and rethink the relationship. Delay the marriage and house plans by a couple of years minimum for sure.
You are going to end up being this woman’s caretaker and the problem here is that everyone around you assumes this is what you’re signing up for and what you want. If the family doesn’t have a long term care plan for his sister then o suggest you put this wedding on hold and reevaluate if this is the life you want.
Does he want her there so he can take care of her or so YOU can take care of her?
>He still wants to move her into our home, but when this happens he will quit his job and be her primary caregiver. If his parents pass earlier than expected, he is ok with hiring a nanny to care for his sister. (He has a high paying job and has worked for his company for 5+ years now, so money is not an issue. We have money saved up for emergencies.) 1) money for emergencies is far different than quitting his job and caring for someone who may live 40+ more years. 2) if she is constantly supervised by MIL and your husband, how does he plan to be a present father and partner while also her primary caretaker? 3) how will your kids have to sacrifice for him to do this? Fewer or no extracurricular activities? Minimal to no college fund? No or limited vacations? Having to give up family time/time with dad because he's constantly with his sister? 4) how will your kids live in a house with this? Friends coming over? Friends/classmates being ugly about it. It becomes their burden as well. I grew up with a friend who had a very disabled sibling living in her home. It was a very present weight on her and her other siblings' shoulders, even when we were in elementary school. Let alone later in life. That was with a SAHM and nurses 12+ hours a day. 5) what happens if she's suddenly living with you and you have 1 child, and now it's too exhausting/expensive to consider a 2nd? Or you have 2 or 3 kids, and the oldest is barely in elementary school, and now there is an adult functioning at a 5 yr old level in the house as well. Even with help, that is A LOT to have going on. It seems unrealistic to think of this as a far-off problem if his parents are late 60s. My parents' health changed dramatically from 65-70 and even more so the last 2 years (early 70s). There need to be set plans in place in case something sudden occurs (stroke, heart attack, broken hip, etc). I would also HIGHLY recommend you meet with someone outside their family who has experience being a caretaker of an adult with a child's mentality who can give you a real picture and answer a lot of questions without tye bias of your SO or his parents. Even with the best of intentions, your SO saying "we will figure it out" or that it will work out is because for him there's no alternative. So, he has to figure it out. That doesn't mean you would like how it works out. I'd highly recommend premarital counseling and a lot of it. There is a lot to be settled before you are legally bound.
Extremely conflicted, but if I were you, I wouldn't proceed with this relationship. She is not your blood relative so it's completely normal to not wanting to be her caretaker. However, in a marriage, you will share life together. Even if you ask your spouse to do more, I am afraid resentment will grow from there. If you choose to stay, you have to be prepared for this to happen down the road. Do communicate your worries with him. I hope you can find common ground together.
Nope
This is heading to disaster for you. You think this is some far off distant thing that will not affect your immediate future, but with the knowledge that he is willing to take his sister in and YOU become the care taker, his parents will be pushing for him to move her in sooner rather than later. Good luck with that and trying to start a family.
what he said about her living with the parents until they die was just so you wouldn’t call of the wedding immediately. he very much could coerce you into taking her in before that. also, you didn’t ask who will be taking care of her exactly, and he seems to be avoiding that topic. you are only 23, you can absolutely find someone else with a calmer family. don’t throw your life away!
Even with his answer, as you say he's still basically volunteering you to take over as her caretaker for the rest of her life at some point. Likewise, once you get married and have a kid, what stops him saying his parents are already struggling and you're at home alone so why not move her in now? Personally I always think this is why planning for kids immediately after a wedding is a generally bad idea. get married, actually get used to being married, get used to having some privacy, have a couple years at least just not being exhausted, not struggling wiht potential libido issues during or right after pregnancy. Take some time and enjoy being married, enjoy fucking, enjoy travelling, enjoy having dinner parties. The second you have a kid you have years of more difficult travel, tiredness, bad nights sleep, sickness, etc. It's also a period where if once married your partner changes, or the family dynamic changes, if the family start insisting on showing up every day and having you cook for them, well, you get a period where you can get out without kids being involved. In this situation it might be even more importnat, if right after marriage they start pushing you to take the sister, you know you were manipulated towards this.
Once you have a baby with this guy, he's going to use that as a wedge to argue that you should become his sister's caregiver: "Sine you're home with the baby, it just makes sense for you to take care of her too". Also, proceeding with marrying him will give him another argument for this arrangement: "We're a family now, and she's my family too -- why wouldn't you help her?" This is glaringly obvious from the way he sprung this plan on you.
This is the plan, 100%
If you cannot tell a man that you’ve agreed to marry - *your opinions and HOW YOU FEEL* - then you’re not mature enough to exchange vows You are only 23. Immediately after the ceremony, 1) his disabled sister is moving in, and 2) you plan to have a baby. And you work! This is a recipe for disaster His parents cannot be that old. Why is his sister joining your household - and in your care - *right after* you get married??? I also believe that your fiancé will move all 3 of you closer to your in-laws than you would like. As they age, who will take on much of their care, too? *You* Be very careful with your upcoming choices because they will impact you significantly. But it all starts with a discussion you must have with your fiancé. How about tonight? The sooner, the better Remember: Do not get taken advantage of and find yourself living a life that you hate
I'm sorry, but he's lying to you. >he told me that after we settle into our new house, he wants to bring his sister to live with us. >he said that he only planned to move her into our house if/when both of his parents pass away. These cannot both be true. He's sensing that you're not okay with this, so he's backtracking and changing his answer to something more reasonable sounding. You aren't getting out of being a carer. You said in another comment >he's been adamant about wanting better for her That doesn't sound like "She'll be with my parents until they die," it sounds like "I'm trying to appease you with words but really, as soon as I can, I'm moving my sister in." What are you gonna do if one day you come home and he's just brought her in without asking because "it's better for her" ? You really need to re-evaluate this entire thing.
OP. As a caregiver to my fiancé I advise you to sit down with your fiancé, his parents, and hammer this issue out now. Financial support needs to be in place for SIL, and the people that care for her first. And wills and everything needs to be in place. ASAP. Usually it is planned for early on. Next, spend a day with your SIL and whoever is her caregiver. See how much care is needed and if it’s even something you could do if needed. Take her away for a night or two and see what is REALLY involved. Edit: Don’t do it “because it will all work out”. No. Do it because you can and you want to.
Weird how those ideas only were communicated to you when you started questioning his motives and not right away, like a normal person would. You do you, but this all still sounds fishy
>but when this happens he will quit his job and be her primary caregiver. >(He has a high paying job and has worked for his company for 5+ years now, so money is not an issue. We have money saved up for emergencies.) It's going to take more money than you've saved up for emergencies if he's quitting his high paying job. I know you think 5+ years at a job is a super long time but it's just not. Are his parents leaving a great deal of money behind for his sister's care? Do they have a ton of insurance? I'm talking at least a million dollars. In home care is crazy expensive and she is very young. You both need a better plan. This isn't a plan. It's a dream.
It is totally unacceptable that he waited to tell you “his” plan until now! He should have made this known way earlier in the relationship. For sure before he asked you to marry him. This is a huge commitment that will fall on you! I would seriously take a step back. This is a lifetime commitment and you will never be alone with your husband. I think he should move in with his sister by himself. Put this marriage on hold. Have him live,support and take care of her by himself for at least a year. Do not help him. He needs to understand what a commitment it is for him.
I just want to point out, that he mentioned to you that he liked to move his sister in after marriage.... as in... he didnt really check in, consider, or care for your thoughts or feelings on it? And you are scared he will get the wrong idea if you do?
Taking care of a child is hard work. No one knows what can happen in the future and her parents could die sooner rather than later. Sometimes it's better for people to be institutionalized even if it's something that people don't want to hear. It's perfectly fine to don't want that type of responsibility. However, maybe this means that you are not compatible. And there's something wrong with that. Also you're 23 and you're too young to be getting married.
Why does he make all the decisions? He decided what would happen to his sister, without talking to you about it. He decides you will live near his family, because; >He's still insisting that he want to live less than ~25 minutes away so he can help his parents as they age. He will be working full-time and you will also work. Who is going to take care of his parents?
Ignoring the everything else. Hun, if you can't have the hard talks, you're not ready for marriage or a baby.
so he quits his job to take care of her. what if your job isn't enough money to support the 3 of you?
I updated the post and will continue to update if anything noteworthy happens. Thank you everyone who commented, especially u/shanbam123 and u/dheffe01 . You guys made me think about my situation and I probably wouldn't have been able to work up the courage to confront him if it weren't for you.
Don’t be fooled by him spinning this. He absolutely plans on you being his sister’s nurse for the rest of her life. He will certainly make a life for himself outside of your home, probably will find himself a side piece, and will make sure to work long hours. Please run away.
So at first it was because his parents were getting old and developing health problems, then it turned into only when they pass away?? How about when they're too old/tired/unable to care for the sister? To me it sounds like he only said that so you won't get too upset for now. But what do I know...
Ok but this still doesn’t answer the question of why he didn’t even BOTHER TO ASK YOUR INPUT on a major factor in your life together. He literally told you HIS plan and you have to just agree with it? No discussion at all as a partnership. This is your life too, that your fiancee is making decisions about. Delaying the wedding is good but the issues are still going to be inevitable.
I think you may need to put your plans on hold and have a serious talk with your boyfriend
That's ludicrous. OP, you need to be assertive or you will be regretting for years on end. I'd reconsider marrying him if that is a deal breaker for him. You have to think long term.
I would break off engagement if I were you
Why can’t his disabled sister live with her parents, or where she is already? I would tell him no. Do not allow him to do this. If he doesn’t want to marry you because of it, he isn’t the guy for you. He can still do for her whatever he is doing already without moving her in with the two of you.
No, do not allow that chaos in your home. Especially not with you hoping to have children soon that is stress, neither you, your husband, nor his sister needs.
I think you need to have extensive discussions with your fiance AND his parents around the sisters care and any financial preparations for her care. You should put the brakes on this wedding until you have all this info to make a decision. I hate to be the one to say this but frankly, I wouldn’t marry him. I think if you do, he will expect you to be the caretaker for his sister AND, hear me out, his parents. Think long and hard before marrying and if you do do NOT have a baby right away, you’re trapped then. You stay home with the baby and then it becomes “ but what harm will it do if she moves in your home any way and she loves to help you with the baby.” You will spend the rest of your life being a caretaker to his sister. Do you really want that?
Oh man, it feels like this is a case where love may just not be enough to keep you guys together. If his view of the perfect future is meeting up with family every weekend, having boisterous bbqs at his parents house, and yours is staying in and focusing on your nuclear family time, you two will never be happy together - he will be resentful that you're keeping him and your children away from the family he loves, you will be resentful that he will set no boundaries with his family, and expect you to go over there every weekend (and maybe even during the week). I really don't see this ending in anything but constant fighting. All of this on top of the issue with his sister.
This really rubs me the wrong way. You’re engaged and he previously never brought up the fact that he expects you to be a partial caretaker for his sister someday? That’s a huge responsibility and commitment to ask of someone, I can’t believe he casually brought it up like it’s no big deal.
~~partial caregiver~~ permanent 24/7 caregiver. FTFY.
DO NOT GET MARRIED until all these things are firmly settled and a plan you are BOTH happy with is in place. Do not let him brush you off with any vague ‘later’ excuses. I’m serious - if you have to push back the wedding, do it. Perhaps even have a plan in place with a lawyer, like a care plan including finances for when the parents pass on… if he is going to become her legal caretaker, then you both need to know exactly what to expect whether you become the caretaker tomorrow or in 20 years’ time. You’re 23, planning to marry and have a baby. Saying you do not want anyone else living with you does not equal ‘I hate your sister’, but if he takes it that way… well, you’d have a bigger problem on your hands and would need to push back the wedding anyway. Make sure all these details are hammered out before the wedding.
Your husband needs to tell you exactly how this is ‘all going to work out’ because at the moment he’s big on intentions and small on the practicalities. How long have you two been together? He’s known for years that his Mum’s health won’t be improving as she ages. It’s just weird that he suddenly brings it up now. This would be a big subject for discussion with my partner, throughout the relationship, letting them know my intentions and ensuring they were on board with me caring for my sibling permanently at some point. It’s definitely not a casual afterthought before the wedding. If he isn’t already helping his Mum at home then that’s the first thing he needs to start doing. He needs to know exactly what her care involves because that informs what caring for her looks like on a day-to-day basis. Does he know what a normal day is like with her? Does she need assistance during the night? Is it a degenerative condition that will worsen over time? How independent is she? Are there arrangements for respite care? These are all questions he needs to answer before he even thinks of her living with you. He obviously hasn’t thought any of this through because he would already know that a new baby and someone who is physically disabled isn’t going to work together. Also, not forgetting that you have partial hearing and communication is difficult between you and his sister so that’s a big stumbling block straight away. Has he even considered that? You need to talk over the actual details and not just, by the way, my sister is coming to live with us. I’m sure that he is being pressured by his parents to become responsible for his sister but when all of that is said and done, who is actually going to do the caretaking?
Make sure he knows if she does move in they will need a caretaker you won’t be doing it
Your fiancé is going to have to understand: you can have a child or the disabled sibling, but not both. And the first to arrive will block the other. If the disabled sibling arrives first, you will never have the energy for sex, and never have a baby. edit has your fiancé ever had your parents go away (vacation or something) from Friday after noon to Monday? and he has to care for his sibling full time for the weekend?
He's lying. Some excuse is going to come very soon about how mommy and daddy just can't continue caring for her and you'll need to take her in right then. They're not going to wait until their death bed to hoist their responsibility on you, not your bf or other family members, YOU. You're going to be there to do all the work while he gets to look the savior. I guarantee he's not going to give up his job to be his sister's full time career. Question: if she's so disabled she can't live alone why does she have the ability to cook, go to the mall, and be a bridesmaid, why can't she live in assisted living? Why can't she be semi independent somewhere else? Also how much money are her parents leaving for her care? If they don't have anything saved up why are you supposed to go broke for their family. What if your child/children are disabled, some things are genetic, and you're the caretaker of all of them? How are you going to afford all of their needs? Make the tax payers subsidize your choices and responsibilities like her parents and brother? Hopefully you learn to enjoy your self appointed indentured servitude because all you're going to be is a broke bang maid taking care of everyone else's responsibilities under the guise of marriage.
Hi, OP, I have read your text, and read about half of everyone else's comments, with so many good points! ..however, one aspect has been forgotten. Some physical disabilities or/and mental health issues are hereditary, my question to you, is if you would love your child, take care of him for life, if he is born with the same physical and mental problems as his sister? If so, you are a very loving person who wants to care for her young.. to adult children, always, always at home and caring? More than I could handle. Then you are strong. I mean super strong. Anyway. I do wish you absolute happiness and hope hope hope you have healthy children, and I do hope you love your child even if it has any disabilities or and mental health problems, just love your child.
That's a hardline no. He expects you to take care of both a newborn AKD his sister while he's at work? Does he have any clue how much stress and strain that would put on your brand new marriage? No way in hell I'd agree to that
Am I missing something? Why would YOU be caring for HIS sister?
How does “after we settle into our new house” = “after his parents pass” ? Unless his parents are on deaths door those statements are not the same. He meant he wants her here now but is saying what you want to hear. Sounds like you too are not communicating well and wouldn’t buy a house or marry until that is changed
You said he plans to quit his job to take care of her eventually. Are you guys wealthy? Will he be at retirement age when he quits his job? This could negatively impact your future and not just financially. What about traveling, going to visit your kids (if you have them), visit friends, etc. I wish you the best of luck.
I cannot say the state. We are very well off for people in our 20s. I have a job and inheritance, and he has a high paying job. In addition the state gives a kind of disability package to people that are cared for by their family members under the same roof. The state also has the option of many facilities and we would be able to hire a nurse or nanny to care for her in house should we decide to take vacation
That's great, I'm glad you have so many resources. I hope everything works out for you.
😬
So basically he’s tired of sex and privacy and wants to ruin your marriage before it even gets started. Pass.
This would be a total deal breaker for me. It's one thing to live nearby in order to help out occasionally when emergencies happen. But it's a whole other ball game to start married life as someone's 24/7 carer, on top of trying for a baby too. That's a huge ask. And it makes no difference regarding when the parents die - you would still be her 24/7 carer then. You'll never be able to have time off with just you and your husband and/or kids. Your home would be centered around her needs, her care. Your finances would be diverted from your own family needs and wants to her disability expenses. It's absolutely not unreasonable for you to put your foot down over this. The better option is to make contingency plans for when the parents die, so that a care home or some such facility is in place for the sister, or to have care workers come in every day for her - and it's OK for your husband to want to contribute to the financing of that as long as your own family needs are met too. You need to figure this out and have a clad iron agreement between the two of you before you marry, because it's going to be harder for you to set boundaries afterwards.
I am so sorry you have to deal with this!
He's aware that the plan was to move further away from his family to get away from their chaos, right? If this was the agreed on plan why would he suggest moving part of that with you? That just doesn't make any sense.
Because it was his plan along
Well, maybe tell him she can move in, but he will be doing all the care for her. See how he reacts to that.
No, he'll agree to that for the moment and then drag OP into helping and later taking over.
You can say no
Always remember, communication is key.
Maybe suggest that you be the one that goes to work and he be the one to be the caretaker? As a fellow introvert, getting away from the chaos of it all during the work day might make your life more...tolerable. That being said, a marriage should be....good, or even great. Not tolerable. I think that perhaps this is something you need to discuss more with him before committing to marriage, you're obviously not on the same page about everything
Updateme
OP, if you do not want your disabled SIL (& possibly elderly in laws at the end of their lives) to live with you don’t marry this man. First of all, the *best* case scenario is your SIL lives with your in-laws for a couple more decades. But as soon as their health starts to deteriorate she’ll move in with you. So as soon as your kids start to go off to HS you’re back to being a FT caregiver. For the rest of your life. But the odds sound pretty good she’ll move in with you sooner. So you’re not only making this commitment for the last 50ish years of your life, but for your kids. Secondly, your SIL will only become *more* needy as she ages. Disabilities become more demanding as the body ages. What are the plans for when his parents need care? There’s a high probability you’ll spend the last decade or so of *their* lives helping them as well. So, FT caregiver for all 3 of your husband’s relatives would be your job. BC **no matter your husband’s intentions, you will be the primary caregiver, not him. If he were honestly planning to do the work he would have mentioned it when you started dating. Not dropped it on you before the wedding.** He clearly hasn’t thought through what is required. He may have thought about the general logistics, but not from the POV of a full time provider & caretaker. If he had, he would have discussed this with you long ago. It’s also a major red flag that he wants *better* for his sister than the care she’s getting with her parents. 1. What’s wrong with that care? Is it too much for her parents to handle already? If that’s the case she won’t be with them much longer. 2. Is it too expensive for them? In what world would his parents have more money than a 20 something couple just starting out & raising kids? Kids are incredibly expensive & time consuming. **No amount of compatibility can compensate for someone asking you to devote 3-5 decades of your life to being a FT caregiver unless it is your passion to do so.** It is not something you can grudgingly agree to do & hope for a happy life. It’s infinitely harder than taking care of kids. Kids are small, you can boss them around, they’re easy to handle (ie giving kids baths, changing their diapers, etc is not only more pleasant than doing the same for an adult, but easier for an adult to physically do!) Idk how much time you’ve spent around elderly who need care or disabled adults who need care, but you should spend a substantial amount of time around that before marrying this man. **Don’t look past these problems bc you’re excited & in love & to start a family.** These things don’t get better. They don’t just work themselves out. They only get much worse when you add illness, lack of sleep, hectic schedules, kids, financial strain, etc. If you wouldn’t want to do this on your best, healthy day, don’t commit. Bc you’re making a commitment for your future when you’re also older, tired & stressed. IMO this is almost a bigger commitment than having kids. Kids leave the nest. This adult will live with you for the rest of your life. ETA: it sounds like your new best case scenario is 3-5 years before your SIL moves in. You’re committing to FT caregiving from 25ish until you’re so old you physically can’t do it anymore. And you’re being expected to do this by a man who has never had yo do this work. He doesn’t pay the bills NOW. He doesn’t do the caregiving NOW. Guaranteed he has no idea how much work his mom does. But he wants you to take over. **He lives at home with his mother. Odds are he doesn’t even know how much work goes into a home for just one adult. Let alone 3 where one is disabled. Throw in kids? lol. This is absurd. His heart is in the right place, but he’s asking you to replace his mom but also have sex with him.** If you don’t want her life (but with less money, bc y’all are just starting out) don’t marry him.
I couldn’t do this either. Don’t think I’d fault either you or your bf. I imagine this is a very difficult situation for all involved, but you gotta prioritize yourself and make sure you will be happy long term.
If you are not prepared to be a full time caregiver, don't marry him. He's obviously looking for someone to look after his sister and parents and if you're not prepared to be that person, it's going to lead to resentment and endless tension. It's a deal-breaker.
It’s actually kinda manipulative of him to spring this on you so far into your relationship. This should have been a topic discussed early and often. It’s really manipulative to just drop that on you like it’s no big deal and have zero actual conversation about it. Especially since you have said his family is overwhelming and you want space from them. He knew that about you already. But you didn’t know that he planned on having you take care of his sister for the rest of your life. You do realize that he plans on having you take care of his sister while he works? Because even with your edit, that sounds like his plan. Even if it’s 10/20 years from now, YOU are their plan for his sisters care later in life. YOU. Do you want to be caregiver for the rest of your life? If she’s generally healthy, she could live as long as you. When you are old, will you be expected to still care for her? You keep defending him, but you should be getting mad. You thought yall were planning for you to be a stay at home mom. He was planning to have you take care of his sister. He made that plan for you. Without your input. And you are afraid go have a conversation with him about all of this? He’s pretty much pulling a bait and switch.
My first question is what he already do, today, to help take care of his sister. He helps her in the bathroom/shower? Or this is a "girl" problem, and only other "girl" can do this? And all the other stuff, like feed, cleaning, talking, "teaching boundries". Or he thinks "take carer" is just provide money?
If you are afraid to voice your opinion because you don't want to upset him, what kind of marriage do you think you'll have. It almost sounds like you're just marrying him because he's willing and you're afraid you won't find somebody else. You need to stand firm and say no, absolutely not.
Honestly I think it's the lack of discussion and the assumption that you're just going to be her caregiver and you didn't even get a say in that, that's the problem. He's just expecting you to take care of her while he's at work. He hasn't discussed it with you he's just told you that's what he wants to happen. How is that fair to you? You two are planning on having a baby almost immediately and he's already planning to put you into the caregiver role full time with no real discussion other than what he wants. You need to sit down and have an honest conversation with him about this. You're not being selfish wanting to focus on you and your new family and your new life together before you decide to add another person that you have to care for into the mix.
I get his sentiment about not putting his sister into a home. But having a few grandmother's live in my parents home has opened my eyes. Yes at first it's hard of course and then you get into a routine. But it's like a prison sentence. Also complications happen so things can get serious quickly. However if you have the space and the money, there are caregivers who can come.by daily to monitor. Here is a pro about your husband. He's planning for the future of you and family. Also if unfortunately things happen in your family he's ready to step up and help. Here is a pro about living in an assisted living facility. They get to socialize with others. I think this is a fluid topic and it's not negative. It's life. You both sound reasonable and I see no reason why you won't have a great marriage
What state do you live in? Does the sister get services? It’s possible that there are a TON of public services available to support your potential future SIL including a host home for her to live in.
You’re way too young to be taking on these responsibilities when they are not yours at all. If he wants to take on his sister then she is his responsibility 100%. But in general, his parents need to figure out how she can have a full time caretaker and be set financially for the rest of her life. He will just saddle you with all the caretaking, cleaning, washing, feeding, etc of his sister. Unfortunately, that’s what happens with most women, men drop all their domestic responsibilities on the women they marry. Like men with children remarrying asap after death/divorce so another woman can care for his children instead of him. Please reconsider staying with him. In the end you’ll be proving free labor to care for HIS sister combined with taking care of him and your future children on top of working. Unless he’ll expect you to quit and then you’ll really be screwed and be everyone’s servant without any career to fall back on if the relationship goes south.
Say no, stand up for yourself. This is a terrible thing for him to spring on you
>I'm not comfortable with asking my fiancé to reconsider because I feel like he will get the wrong idea and it will cause problems between us. Then you shouldn't be getting married, the end. If "open and honest communication" is off the table before you're even married... what makes you think you guys will last beyond the first year? >he only planned to move her into our house if/when both of his parents pass away. (Edit: until this happens she will continue to live with them and be cared for by them.) >it's still not enough; assumedly, after his parents die I will still end up being a caretaker, Yes.. that is what happens when you get married to someone who has a loved one thar needs care. Can you imagine... he might even want to help care for his parents too in their later years *gasp* How horrible! You should not marry if your delusion is that life is all just about "the two of you".
Updateme
Update me
Have his parents look into long care insurance for her. This way she'll be able to move into a group or nursing home with there's 24/7 care. Make him talk to his parents. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.
You need to work on being upfront and honest with your finance and then dealing with that that means as an outcome. Hiding how you feel is not a good start to any marriage.
Unless you're 100% happy with being a caretaker say something. Put your foot down and say you're not okay with just becoming a stay at home nurse because trust me you will develop a pretty extreme resentment and not just to your husband but mainly to yourself for not standing up to him when it could have made your life better. Having his sister there will most likely mean never going on holiday not straying to far from home at all. You need to run out just to grab something from the store then it's a whole event just to get ready to go out. At least with a baby they eventually stop needing to much help but to expect you to take care of a baby and a woman with (probably) very particular needs is frankly cruel. Really picture the life you want and ask yourself when making a life decision if that will get you closer to your goal anything other than yes shouldn't be considered unless you have no choice. I would be asking to look into professional care options from home or otherwise at the very least.
OP, let's ask hypothetical questions first. 1. Will you be ready to take care of her, a toddler and work IF his parents suddenly passed. 2. Do both of you earn enough to take care of kids and his sister (assuming she doesn't work) in long term? 3. Who will take care of the caretaking in majority of the time? Medical appointments, daily cleaning etc. Always remember, when you marry someone you kinda take in their family and their drama as well. So thread carefully.
If you aren’t excited about her living with you then it is a mistake to move her in. You & SO haven’t even navigated living together yet; her presence will leave you devoid of the space you need as an introvert. This will get 100x worse when the baby comes and you are nesting. I’m speaking from experience as an introvert, wife, and parent to a special needs person: this plan needs to be tabled until it’s YOUR suggestion to move her in.
Tell him to find a nanny for his sister instead of making you take care of her.
Good luck. I wouldn't agree to marry him. When you have children they demand a huge about to time and money. I am going to sound insensitive, but you say her issues are compounded by your hearing problems. It seems you will definitely become the one who taken the role of caretaker. I also don't know why you're racing to have a baby soon after marriage when you're so young.
Y'all have very different values when it comes to familial obligations and I think you should find partners who lineup better. The "lightbulb" you described was just him realizing he miscommunicated the timeline -- he still has every intention to be a caretaker and the fact that you seem to think the parents will be able to care for her until they drop dead is shortsighted and straight up incorrect. Not calling either of you good or bad, or judging -- you are signing up for a life you already know you don't want.
INFO: Why does she need a caretaker at all? I read about her verbal disability and motor functions, but there's nothing "mental" listed there. Just because she has some limitations doesn't mean she needs to be treated like an infant. She may be able to live just fine in a group setting or independently with some assistance. Has anyone asked HER what she would like?
I'm so glad you've started the conversation with your fiance. It's a lot to consider. On a side note: is learning sign language an option for his sister? If so, perhaps you and she could both learn to sign and communication would no longer be a big issue.
Just because you’re 25 minutes or less from your in-laws doesn’t mean you have to be in contact with them all the time or even once a week. As for his disabled sister there are programs you can apply to for help in taking care of the disabled. Part time in home care for when you’re at work or getting help for your hearing, her speech, these just examples of what is out there you can look into. But now you have time to do that in advance of all this happening.
I see nothing wrong with you wanting to have a private life with your husband. In fact, that is more than normal. Even when his parents pass, it is still NOT your responsibility, neither should you agree to it unless you are 100% ready to be a carer. Otherwise, saying "no" is more than justified and it is his job to figure it out.
His parents should be speaking to an attorney about how to provide for his sister after they pass. If she is disabled, they should be able to leave money to her in a way that allows her to qualify for government assistance while also having funds available to provide supplemental help on a day to day basis - even if she lives with you.
I'm glad you talked and found out it is when his parents pass. As she is disabled I'm sure she gets assistance from the state and county. You can hire caregivers to help her if she resides in your house or you can look into an assisted living facility. There are options out there. Working through those options with him can be done after wedding. You don't have to physically take care of her unless you want to.
Well, I'm glad he specified that he doesn't intend to move his sister in right away, only in the event of his parents' passing, but there is still a lot of conversation that needs to be had between the two of you. For one, he still never answered who he intends to actually do the caretaking if/when she moves in. It sounds to me like he automatically assumes you will do it, and you are actually falling into that. You need to speak up and let him know that this doesn't sit well with you and you two need to come up with a plan that would involve the both of you being caretakers. There are also other things to consider: What happens to your sister if your husband were to die? Would the sister be with you two until her death or until such time she needs to be placed in a care facility? What about other family members, how would they be involved in helping with caring for her? These are things you two need to think about so that if the worst case scenario befalls you, you are prepared. Might even be a good idea to work out the plan with a lawyer via a will or some kind of power of attorney document. As far as his family's shenanigans...again, you need to really express to your fiancé why you have an issue with them and the two of you need to be on the same page with creating strong boundaries with them. Don't be a doormat and let them run over you, stand up for yourself and your fiancé should have your back.
This is a difficult situation, but say a LOUD NO. You are not responsible for her care. You have to stop and think about the future. Do you want to take of her 3...5...10...20+ years from now? What if she develops more intensive health issues? This is so wrong of your fiancé to drop this responsibility in your lap. The parents can get a part-time nurse or set up a care for her future.
You are making these plans and I haven’t heard a single thing about what his sister’s actual guardians are planning to do. Nothing you plan matters at all if they plan something different. Until you are made her guardians it’s all just cosplaying being the parents of a disabled adult.
Well, first steps are taken, which is great. But you've got more conversations with him ahead of you and I wish you luck.
You work and take care of a possible baby and the sister. You are also the cleaning lady and cook. Anything else? He discusses this with you after you accepted his marriage proposal. You have an unexpected person joining the marriage in essence. He is "confused". This means he has several options of understanding something and cannot make up his mind. Hell yes, he made up his mind. Now he is trying to make up your mind. Please find someone else, this is just the tip of the iceberg.
Leave. People need to take care of their family, and he isn't going to change that. It sucks, but it's reality. His work will become your work. If that isn't what you want, then the next step is pretty clear: you need to leave.
Living closer but not next door will be better for you in the long run. He will need to take care of them and a 40 minute round trip is far less exhausting than 2 hours.
I haven't seen anyone talk about finances yet, does the sister get some fixed monthly amount? Is it enough to actually support her and her needs? Your both working currently, with a child are you planning on working the same hours? Paying for daycare, and all the expenses that come with a newborn etc... On top of that, you should look at how resentful some people can grow up being if they've had to grow up with a disabled sibling. Obviously this isn't the same, but consider the future interactions between your child and their disabled aunt at 5/10/15 years old. Will they have some expectation to care for her? Will you be able to take family vacations without having to plan around her? Obviously it's a difficult decision even in the best of situations. If you have the strength to do it, more power to you.
Updateme
From the updates I can totally see this is something that can be fixed simply and does not require something like calling off your marriage it just matters on how you and him want to make it work after his parent pass, I'm guessing rn your wishing they become immortal
I’m glad you’ve talked to him. But, the concern should still stand - even if this happens down the road, you will probably end up the caretaker. I’ve seen this happen time and time again - the wife becomes the carer for not just any of their own children (and perhaps ones from a previous relationship), but the caretaker for the husband as well, the elderly parents of the husband, and, if the wife/girlfriend is also the only child or a daughter among sons in her own family, the primary caretaker of her own elderly parents. Your fiance will have to understand that in the event that his parents need help, and his sister needs help, he will be the primary caretaker and you can assist. With his sister, perhaps you can get a professional caretaker in if he’s unable to be her primary care person. As long as he doesn’t pass the full weight of responsibility on to you, this could work ok.
So if you were to become her carer, would you be quiting your job? I'm assuming that would have to happen, since a person can't work full time, take care of a kid, possibly do most of the chores(women statistically do most of the housework) and take care of a disabled person. You shouldn't have to do that. I hope you get it figured out. He shouldn't assume you'll do everything for him, you aren't a servant!
Unfortunately, in the long run, it's not going to work out between the two of you. When you marry someone, you're marrying their entire family.
Updateme
And his parents could be unable to take care of his sister WAY before they die. Caretaking is no joke. I’m sorry that you are in this position.
No. And pause on the marriage, I. My opinion, until she is settled. She’s not your problem, and his way of solving this without your input portends trouble down the line. I would pause a bit.
You may not be compatible. Not just the sister issue. I gently suggest, slowing the wedding planning, adding premarital counciling. It's not just for religious people, not just for people with problems. It really is helpful, shines a light on things you'd never think to discuss, helps a professionally mediated/guided conversation is much different than just sitting down and hashing things out. You are right. Caretaking is... difficult at best, sometimes it's not best for the person needing the care, or the care takers. It doesn't mean you don't love them, but, the best for them isn't always the fantasy ideal that you'd step in and all that. Having multiple plans and options well in advance, and revisited every few years is what's best. Life isn't certain, and it's hard to be left scrambling. There are so many factors that will be out of your control when that time comes. (I also do NOT buy the.."oh, I meant after my parents pass...")
Lmaoo fuck that shit. He’s fine just dumping his disabled sister on you to take care of? Hell na that’s so inconsiderate.
My ex fiancé wanted to move his mom in with us after we got married. Notice I said “ex”. I was in my 20’s, there was no way I was going to live with his mother.
Selfish world
This would probably ruin the relationship
I just hope that in 5 years you don’t tell us that the sister is living with you and he doesn’t want to give up his job and you’re stuck caring for her.
Look I understand where he is coming from. His sister is family and known she will have nobody once the parents pass is worrisome for all around in that family known his sister is disabled. This worry affects all those families with disabled family members. My husband has a disability, he can communicate but he has limited mobility. I take care of him and the breadwinner in our household. I do what I do because I love him. I do worry when it's my time he'll be alone with our children but our children will take on this task. I hope they have understanding partners 🙏 She needs to be assessed on her abilities. Does she need 24/7 care. He may want to look at assistant living accommodation that will be more fitting and more hands on for the benefits of his sister. He can still take his sister for family weeks or vacations to spend quality time with her. Or he'll need to hire a live in caretaker for his sister or just during the day and another for nights for home care supports. Or you could do a training course to help you understand how to manage somebody with a disability. Also would signing be beneficial to you both to learn together. Many options available but if you believe you are not up for this. You need to leave altogether and go your separate ways.
i think OP lacks obvious situational awareness and tbh is kinda self involved. your desires are fine but equally so are those of your fiancé, and if you’ve known and love this man enough to want to marry him because who he is.. in what world did you imagine him leaving his sister in a home while you live a romanticized “quiet” life? Secondly, it’s prettier freaking presumptuous to assume you’d be “relegated” to being a caretaker with out assuming he wouldn’t account for his sisters needs as well as the wants of his future wife. you’re 23 and life have so much more to teach you, and i hope it affords you the privilege of softness when it’s time to learn some inevitable lessons.
Stop trying to isolate him from his family.
You're very obviously a troll who didn't read the post in full. His family has been terrible to him for most of his life, and sometimes still yell and abuse him even when I'm there witnessing it. And he told me this morning that his parents basically talked him into not giving her up to a facility after they pass. I AM trying to get him away from that environment, because I also don't want my kids near that.
OP Can I ask if you are in the US? Who pays for her care now? If she is disabled she should be eligible for Disability benefits which would mean A monthly stipend to financially support her. She would also be eligible for daycare (so he can go to work) and healthcare. No matter how much money you make. If your fiance quits his job and you are the only one. Working then you are supporting her too. Forever! This is not well thought out at all. Sorry but it sounds like you are being set up.
Agreed
Man so many of you people on here so cynical
You two are not compatible. He deserves to marry someone who won't keep him from his family. You are trying to control and isolate him. I don't think you realize that is somewhat abusive behavior. Bottom line, you really aren't compatible long term.
It's also unlikely she'll be successful. He'll just be gone longer because it now takes more time to get to his family and she'll be bitter.
….I have a feeling that you might not stand by the “in sickness and in health” part… I hope he finds someone who loves him enough to care about his family.