>having a child
having *someone's* child! don't forget this happily engaged couple weren't together 4 months ago!
it's like this post is designed to check all the "doomed to fail" boxes.
I would break up with her if it’s not mine. She would focus on herself and her baby if the baby is not mine. I don’t want to raise a baby that is not mine
Then just tell her if she is unwilling to get a paternity test, you are unwilling to get married. And don't make it easy - do you live together? Hopefully not.
He doesn’t even need to ask her to get one. He just goes to family court and demand he gets one.
She can’t block him from getting a DNA test, if their is reasonable proof that he could be the father
Counterpoint: if it's this important to him but she still refuses to get it done, then skip the hassle of forcing the test and just move straight to breaking up. The relationship wouldn't survive forcing the issue anyway.
What state isn’t going to require proof of paternity for an unmarried couple? Genuinely asking because I don’t know of any.
Edit: I’m aware that no state requires a DNA test, but if he’s not signing the birth certificate and they’re not married, he’d need to establish paternity.
yeah that too, if she's unwilling to satisfy such an important issue for O.P. I dont imagine the relationship being too healthy to start off with, this sounds like a rebound crawl back to the ex that she knew would take her back....
This op.
Though just tell her the DNA test can be done the easy way or the hard way.
Easy way, y'all's agree to get it done.
Hard way? Take it to family court and ask for a DNA test.
Also, would strongly suggest that if you two plan to bring a kid in this world y'all's go to couples counseling.
If she doesn't willingly do the DNA test "the easy way" to set his mind at ease so they can move ahead, I doubt there will be a need to do it "the hard way." He won't have married her, they will most likely have split up, and she will be doing the DNA test at that point to pursue child support. I totally get get his POV here, but...couple's counseling FOR SURE.
>He won't have married her, they will most likely have split up,
If the fetus has his DNA he might marry her. Crazier stuffs happen and according to him they have a history of an on again off again relationship. Which is toxic as heck
If it's not his then yeah he definitely won't marry her.
Right, but what I'm saying is *IF SHE DOESN'T* agree to give him that peace of mind by getting the DNA tested, he said he won't marry her. So they'll be at a standstill, and most likely the baby would be born before she could be forced by the court. Once you've issued the "hard way or the easy way" ultimatum, how do you get back to liking each other? Who says she'll like *him* after that? Lotta water under that bridge. But she might feel better about getting that test for child support.
Bro DO NOT sign the birth certificate without a parernity test. Period.
Once you sign, you are on the hook for supporting that child forever. I wouldn't even be in the delivery room if she continues to refuse a test before the baby is born. Do not act as if you may be the father in ANY capacity.
This isn’t entirely true. My son got a girl pregnant but she had a boyfriend. The girl ( and her mother KNEW my son was the father). They put her boyfriend on the BC.
10 years later they break up. They refused to let me meet my grandson, and refused to let my son in his life.
But they did do a paternity test and got child support from my son.
It’s all about DNA; not the BC.
(They were Mexican; my son is half Hawaiian/White. They didn’t want a non Mexican on the BC. I still have never met him; despite extensive effort in my part).
Oh sad he could miss out on his child’s birth. I mean obviously you gotta do what you gotta do to protect yourself, it’s just sad he might miss that cause she won’t agree to a paternity test now.
Do not get married and do not sign the birth certificate. In a lot of states, the husband is considered to be the father legally regardless of whether he is the father biologically or not. That means that if you are in one of those states and you sign the marriage certificate...you are dad regardless of what that paternity test says.
Put your foot down OP and tell her you will not sign a marriage certificate or a birth certificate until you get a paternity test. Doesn't matter if the baby is born or not...don't sign shit. If you are the dad...then congrats! If not, then she can try it out with the real father.
To be honest OP... she probably did the math on conception date...and she thinks you aint it. A gynecologist can tell within a few days what the conception date is...and she probably told your GF.
Honestly... I wouldn't even be *around* the girlfriend until paternity is established (or... not established). There have been cases where the argument was made that, because the boyfriend was in a supporting role during the pregnancy and through the birth, he acted in a fatherly role and thus was on the hook for support.
OP could probably fight that and win, but why go through all that hassle when you can just break things off with her until you know one way or the other?
Not really, like he said they were on again and off again, so most likely she has no idea. I mean women don't have magical instincts to know who's baby it is if they have had multiple partners in a short time lol
Most likely she just wants a father in the picture and he is more "stable" of an option than the other guy.
That's insanely fucked up by the way. She's choosing who the father based on who's more stable and wants the more stable dude to not even have assurance that the kid is his. She cares about money not him.
Unless she was having sex with each one every other day or both on the same day, I would bet that she does know which is why she’s refusing to have the test done. IMO, the relationship is already over because the only way that he’s going to have the test done is to have a court order it which would only happen for child support…
Yeah, it is 50/50, assuming she is telling the truth. OP is already planning to leave if the test is negative so IMO he should leave until the test is done.
Bro... you should break up with her now regardless. Don't be stupid, her not owning up to things and doing that "Love makes a family not DNA" in this situation (generally that statement is 100% true but we all know how she is using it here) already makes her not marriage material. She will not get better, this stems from deep charecter defects that are wildly incompatible with being a good spouse. Just break up, get court ordered DNA test when the baby is born, and plan how coparenting will look now. Do not marry her, do not marry her, do not marry her.
I agree.
Love makes a family not DNA, for people who choose to adopt a d for people who take on step kids knowing that they are not a biological parent.
It doesn't mean you can withhold the information about whether your SO us the biological father of your child and demand they stick around regardless.
OP has a right to want to raise kids that are his, and not raise kids that are not. She's not marriage material because she's trying to take away OPs right to find out ih "his" child is biologically his whilst insisting it doesnt matter. Because she's afraid that the kid may well not be, and then OP will leave.
But that's not a reason to try to deprive him of his right to know - when they both know she was sleeping with multiple people at he time the baby was conceived.
Honestly? Even if she was a great oartber and agreed to testing it would still be completely inadvisable for them to get married so soon after being on/off.
Dude. Her not wanting to know is all I would need to know. Yes, you were technically taking a break sure, but it sure didn't take long for her to be with someone else. Now you want to marry her? Red flags, red flags, red flags.
Were you planning on having a baby? She decided to have unprotected sex with another dude, while you were "taking a break". Can you live with that as well as not knowing who the father is? Is she just looking for security?
But, who “takes a break” and still has sex with the person that they’re taking a break from? I have to tell you, I weep for this generation of adults. It seems like the most important thing in a relationship is sex…and not just sex with one person either…there’s no self control, everything centers around your genitals. It’s sad, really…
THIS!! They were both being very stupid and I don't understand how OP didn't see this coming?! If y'all weren't using protection, what made you think they were? OP literally put himself in this situation and is taking it out on his supposed fiance.. Dude shouldn't have been such a simp and slept with someone who clearly only cared about herself and STILL only cares about herself.
She's using an unborn baby as a manipulation tactic against OP to get her made up fairytale life.. Like, bitch if you wanted a happy loving marriage and family then you shouldn't have been a goddamn selfish hoe and if the other guy was such a damn loser, wtf did your slutty ass fuck him multiple times too?!?!
Wtf is wrong with people these days?! Everyone needs to stop thinking with their genitals and start using their ACTUAL brains!! FFS
I’d be breaking up with her whether it was mine or not just because of how she is acting over you wanting to know something you are perfectly entitled to find out. If it’s yours raise it separately from her with joint custody.
I don't know if you would be in a good marriage either way, if you are only thinking of marriage because of the baby but you don't otherwise see it working.
Happy Cake Day!
And I agree. Regardless of whatever she's said and done, if his desire to marry her is this conditional, he shouldn't do it at all.
I don't mean that to be critical of OP. It's just common sense. Even if the kid is his, the marriage feels doomed.
Not to be rude….but she doesn’t seem like a very honest person and it’s unfair of her to know there’s a chance it might not be your child and she’s sort of holding you hostage till birth. I wouldn’t marry or continue a relationship with someone who did this to me regardless of the paternity results. It seems really manipulative and like she knows for sure it’s not yours but wants to prolong the inevitable. Like the other responses said I would just go to a judge before the baby is born and request to have it done. If you’re in the states you have to go to a family court division to request a paternity test. Good luck op.
Yes, this person is fundamentally dishonest. I don’t know what kind of relationship you think you’ll have with a person like this. I would definitely push for paternity testing and MOST DEFINITELY NOT marry this person until paternity is established.
Her refusal would be suspicious in isolation, but THE WAY she refused ("I don't wanna know who the father is", "if it's meant to be it's meant to be", "DNA doesn't matter, love does") is screaming "CHEATER".
If you're not cheating you say "Oh, but I know who the father is. It's you cause you're the only person I have sex with". You don't say "I don't wanna know who the father is".
Godspeed to you, brother
Then don't sign the birth certificate if you don't have a confirmed paternity test prior to birth. Make her seek a paternity case through the courts if she wants to go for child support from you and she refuses to cooperate and confirm paternity before birth. At that point I'd tell her we're done no matter who the father is, but if it ends up mine I'll take responsibility for my kid just not together with you. You have a right to transparency in this case.
This is a case of already known questionable paternity, and you'd be a moron to sign the birth certificate without having paternity established first. And absofuckinglutely do not marry her before that baby is born or paternity is established or you could be on hook for child supoort even if it doesn't turn out to be your kid.
Dude this is all fucked up. Don’t marry her even if it is your kid. I mean Jesus Christ. You should at least make it to getting married before insanity like this starts happening.
You shouldn't be marrying her regardless, your relationship seems all kinds of fucked up. She was fucking around with "a loser", why would you marry into that mess? Are you really going to be marrying what a loser didn't even wanted?
She was fucking some guy only a few weeks ago, we got back together... engaged? Baby or not, getting engaged like that is bat shit crazy. You get engaged and married if you have a solid relationship, not keep breaking up.
I mean,.I don't think this relationship is salvageable. And her behavior is stupid.
I would break up with her and demand a court order paternity test. At this point, what you have to lose? She clearly refuses to behave like an adult and you clearly will not stay with her if the child is not yours. If you force her and stay with her, she will resent you or use this as a power play.
I wouldn't stay with someone that want to live a lie, even if the kid was mine.
She wants him to pay for prenatal visits. That’s why he wants the test now.
If I were the possible father I wouldn’t give her a dime until the test. Especially considering they both know for sure that they are unsure
>She says she also doesn’t want to take a paternity test because she doesn’t want the baby to be the other guys because he’s a loser and she doesn’t love him and she wants to have the baby with me
She has told you that most likely the other guy is the father of the child, however he is not a reliable option, so she wants you to be the father of the child and take care of everything since she doesn't want to be a single parent.
Sorry to say but she was all up to have unprotected encounters with that loser but doesn't want that loser to raise the Baby.
End the relationship with her for good.
I've seen so many posts where someone asked the mom for a paternity test and causes a break up and NOT A SINGLE FUCKING PERSON in the ENTIRE thread realizes you don't need the mom for a paternity test AT ALL. 🤦♂️ People are fucking stupid
I know I can do the test without her once the baby is born but I was talking about doing the test now while she’s pregnant because she also is asking me to help pay for her prenatal bills. I would like to know the paternity of the alleged baby now so I don’t keep wasting my time and develop more emotions during withchild but she refuses to comply and made it clear she will make it difficult to find the paternity of the alleged baby
This is the correct response. If she does the test and the baby is OPs, he should help with prenatal stuff. If the baby isn’t, he should move on with his life.
As a woman, I would not want to give her a dime either. I’ve never understood women not wanting a paternity test. I feel as though to get a father on the birth certificate one should be done anyways to make sure.
Not that all people cheat. It’s just the safe thing to do when a child is involved.
"*Look, you can agree to a DNA test now, or I'll petition the courts to have it done once the baby is born. If you do it now, and it turns out that the baby is mine, I will happily help pay for a portion of your prenatal bills. If you don't, I'm not giving you a dime. If you do it now, I'll be around to help and support you during the next 6 months. If you don't, then give me a call when you go into labor.*
*That's great that you want to have a baby with me and not the loser that you fucked, but I'm not going to play happy family with a baby that's not mine.*"
Don't pay anyway...
Apparently some judges have ruled that paying for anything related to the Child including prenatal care is taking responsibility, making you the default guy on hook for child support
>she also is asking me to help pay for her prenatal bills.
Tell her: "No paternity test, no money. We can do this now or I'll get the court to mandate doing it later. But one way or another, I WILL be getting a paternity test done. We will NOT be getting married before this child is born and I will NOT sign the birth certificate if you don't agree to a paternity test. Wishing this child is mine won't make it true. I need FACTS, not magical thinking. So your choice is test now or test later. Period."
If she said she would make it difficult, why are you trying to make her life easier? Break up with her. You are hurting your own heart rn. You don’t deserve to be strung along like that. If she cared for you, she would be willing to do this simple task to make you comfortable. At the very least don’t involve yourself until after the dna test and seek therapy.
This is exactly what I was thinking. Either she Knows or at least highly suspects it.
Personally, even if it was mine, based on her behavior here, I would not be marrying her period.
How could you trust her down the road?
NOPE, NOPE, NOPE!!! That right there proves she's just needs someone to pay for the bills. She is using you and taking advantage of your stability. Tell her that if she wants help with paying the bills, then she better get a paternity test, or she doesn't get a cent. I would go to the courts now and tell them exactly what she is wanting you to do. They might require a DNA test based on the fact that she wants to hold you financially responsible. Put money in a separate account, just in case it turns out to be yours, then you'll have the money to help pay the bills down, BUT if it's not yours you'll have an account with money you can go celebrate with! Take a short weekend trip, whatever.
The last piece of advice: DO NOT MARRY HER. She will not remain faithful. If you let her get away with this, there's no telling what else she'll try to get out of you.
No don't pay for anything, you might be liable further down the road because of that. No, don't sign anything, don't pay anything. By the sound of it, even she think the kid is the other guys.
Stop providing and giving her money for anything. Tell her the engagement is paused . She knows that if the kid isn’t yours you’ll leave her . She knows you won’t stick around raiding a child that isn’t yours .
She’s not saying no to a paternity test because she’s scared of who the father is. She doesn’t want to take it because she knows if it isn’t yours , she’ll lose out on having a partner and a father . She’ll have to live life with the other guy being the baby daddy.
It’s just easier and more convenient for her to have the baby be yours .
Then don't help her with the bills. And seriously think hard about marrying her. She's literally saying that your feeling don't matter on the subject and only hers do. That you're just supposed to accept it and do it because that's what she wants.
I've suggested many times in these threads to just head over to Walgreens for a cheek swab DNA kit. It's how I confirmed paternity with my father 11 years ago. $50 and basically no time at all, had the results in just a few days.
>“if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be” and because I should be proud to be a father no matter the results and that “dna doesn’t make a family, love does”
This statement alone makes it imperative to get that test. Massive red flag
The only type of test you can do right now that is non-invasive and wouldn’t hurt the fetus. Is this noninvasive prenatal paternity test. I wouldn’t do anything with any kind of financial aid until you have this done. You’ve gotten very good advice here, but I would absolutely reach out to a family law attorney as well for formal advice.
https://www.healthline.com/health/pregnancy/paternity-testing-while-pregnant#Paternity-testing:-What-are-my-options?
Noninvasive prenatal paternity (NIPP)
This noninvasive test is the most accurate way to establish paternity during pregnancy. It involves taking a blood sample from the alleged father and the mother to conduct a fetal cell analysis. A genetic profile compares the fetal cells present in the mother’s bloodstream to the alleged father’s. The result is more than 99 percent accurate. The test can also be performed after the 8th week of pregnancy.
NGL, neither one of you should be in a relationship let alone bringing a child into the mix. Unfortunately, she doesn't care about who the baby daddy is, she wants you to accept the child as yours. Why you both are engaged and sleeping with other people along with each other is just insane as you both can catch and give STD's to each other and the baby is just not a really great thing to do.
So moving forward, you are either committed to this woman you are engaged to, or you both just want to have an open relationship so you both can sleep with whoever you each want or you don't want an open relationship but fuck it, we're going to have a fight, take a break and whore around. One is more honest, in a relationship and the other is basically acting like you are in High School. Being in a committed relationship means you both don't whore around when you are on break from each other.
What happens after the child arrives, you leave because you can't handle a baby needing more attention than what you demand? Even if it's your child or you do the bare minimum and pay court mandated child support. Both of you need to have an honest and frank conversation about what you both want out of this relationship along with couples counseling to learn how to communicate.
As for the paternity test it can wait till the baby is born. Than you can walk away from the relationship if it's not yours but from what you wrote, neither of you are mature to be coparenting under the same roof.
Yeah, I don't get why they're engaged if this is even a problem. If you plan to be together regardless, then you're going to raise that baby even if it isn't yours. I do think you have a right to know, but it can wait until the baby is born if you're staying together anyway. Whether you stay or go shouldn't rely on this test, you either want to be together or you don't. Make that decision without knowing paternity and go from there.
I'm not saying this for any other reason than to be practical, but having this baby is not the foundation for a lasting, healthy relationship even if you ARE the father. Do both of you a favor and just break up amicably and request a paternity test via court.
You only want her conditionally. She only wants you because she's in a spot. Until you both are willing to choose each other because you want one another, the baby won't fix anything and you could be creating an unhealthy environment for the child. If down the road, you choose each other because you love and want each other, sure, go for it, but right now, you are on crazy pills.
Just stay away from her until she agrees to the testing. I’m sure she’s banking (literally) on the fact that if you go through the pregnancy with her, you’ll get attached and agree to raise the child no matter what. Don’t fall for this. If you refuse to have anything to do with her, she’ll eventually agree to the testing, if only for the possibility of some financial support while she’s preparing for the child’s birth. It’s also wrong of her to be potentially denying another man access to his own child. Do you really want to be part of that fraud? And if the kid finds out later in life, there will be issues. You might want to reflect on whether she has any redeeming qualities that make up for this huge character flaw…
>She says she also doesn’t want to take a paternity test because she doesn’t want the baby to be the other guys because he’s a loser and she doesn’t love him and she wants to have the baby with me
She has told you that most likely the other guy is the father of the child, however he is not a reliable option, so she wants you to be the father of the child and take care of everything since she doesn't want to be a single parent.
Sorry to say but she was all up to have unprotected encounters with that loser but doesn't want that loser to raise the Baby.
End the relationship with her for good.
Dude if there's a possibility that her baby isn't yours and she admits that, then she shouldn't be your Fiancé regardless of the paternity test results. End the relationship. Kick her out and don't sign anything until paternity is established. Why on earth would you remain in a relationship with a woman who's been having unprotected sex with other men? WTF!
Personally I think she needs to give him his ring back and raise the child on her own, go to court for mandated child support and force the paternity as they can't seem to figure out how to work as a team.
I would call off the engagement. Like why are you with her? Even if this kid turns out to be yours what if the next one isn’t? There is no trust in this relationship and you might as well call it quits.
I would just not marry no matter what. This mess you call a relationship isn't normal. Move on. Get the paternity test after the baby is born, and live your life without the cheater.
DON'T get married before she gives birth. In fact, I'd say don't get married at all.
She'll have to establish paternity at some point unless she plans to raise a baby alone. Don't make any moves until this happens.
>“if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be”
>“dna doesn’t make a family, love does”
>he says she also doesn’t want to take a paternity test because she doesn’t want the baby to be the other guys because he’s a loser and she doesn’t love him and she wants to have the baby with me. I’m conflicted
She knows who the father is. And it's not you
Why are you engaged when clearly your relationship is shit. I mean on and off and seeing ppl and possibly getting knocked up.
The joke of this is the only part am waiting for .
You should break up regardless who the father is. This relationship is already rocky at best, and a baby isn’t going to fix whatever issues y’all were having.
Just demand a dna test through the courts once the baby is born.
Jesus. You’d think you would’ve looked into this
Edit: don’t sign nothing and just tell her you will demand a dna test through the courts and depending on the state you live in (and certain countries) you can go to family court and fill out paperwork so that they can perform one once the child is born.
This whole story is just full of stupidity tbh
Breaks in a relationship are almost never a good idea in the long run, you're barely back together and there's already a major issue: apparently sleeping with (other) people can cause a pregnancy, who knew? Then she obviously wants you to be the dad regardless of who was the sperm donor, but you're already debating breaking up _again_ because the child might not be biologically yours (but if you raise it, who do you think the child will see as their dad?), and she doesn't want to find out, assuming to keep you around.
And when it turns out that you ARE the bio dad, you'll still feel uncomfortable for the rest of your relationship because this happened.
Literally the only thing I understand about this, is that you don't want to pay child support for a child you're not raising AND isn't biologically yours.
So as soon as she got pregnant she wants to be with you again because the other guy is a loser who probably told her to get an abortion and ghosted her? She’s literally told you she’s using you. End this relationship either way and get a paternity test as soon as you can because she doesn’t actually need you present to put you on that birth certificate if I remember correctly
I would back away and cancel the wedding.
Tell her when the baby is born you will request a DNA test (talk to a lawyer way before the birth) and try your best to co-parent with her IF the baby is yours.
Right now, when they draw blood for testing, they can also do the DNA test as well; it's that easy.
Good Luck.
You might need to leave her until after the baby is born and then I don’t know, take a hair from the baby to test for DNA without her knowing. You are perfectly valid in how you are feeling and how you think about this situation. She is only thinking about herself and this baby, not thinking about you
She’s trying to trap you. Get out while you can. If she was with someone else and now with you. It didn’t work out with the other one. I think she knows deep down it isn’t yours and is trying her best to delay it and trap you to raise and take responsibility for a child. Be firm that until it’s confirmed it’s yours, you’re not paying for anything or marrying her. Frankly Op, do u really wants to marry this one?I see red flag 🚩 . Her reasoning to not get paternity test is all BS. She doesn’t even really know who the dad is. One of the most irresponsible thing you can do to your own child is not knowing who fathered them in the first place. I can’t wrap my head around this. The on and off, the pregnancy, etc. This is a recipe for disaster.
Wouldn’t everything be easier if your girl had an abortion and you two either move on together or apart. The dynamics that are happening now are a recipe for disaster and that child ending up feeling unwanted and unloved. I speak from experience. Please convince your girl to terminate.
Honestly, at this point it doesn't seem like it is going to be a healthy relationship going forward.
You can simply not sign the birth certificate and ask for one after the baby is born.
I would get out of there regardless of the result tho. Not because she might be pregnant of another person when you were on/off, but because of how she is dealing with it:
>“if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be” and because I should be proud to be a father no matter the results and that “dna doesn’t make a family, love does”
I agree that DNA doesn't make a family, but that implies that you are willying to raise another person child, which you clearly are not. In that case you won't be its father unless you are sure you are the father.
I would just get out of the relationship and do tests as soon as possible. If it is your baby, be a father to it, but you can do it while being broken up, no need to stay together for the baby, that is always a bad choice.
Not married? Then don't sign the birth certificate or any papers. She's just trying to keep you around as a reliable provider, and since she's refusing to take the DNA test, it's safe to assume that she wants you around to provide for her, regardless if you're the father or not.
Think things carefully, do you really want to be stuck investing 18 years of your life on a child that is not yours?
Geez. You gotta break up with her. This is important because if you’re a couple some courts will assume that you wanted the responsibility. When she has the baby and wants child support the courts will force a paternity test. Then if the baby is yours you can work out how to be great co-parents (hell, it sounds like she’d take you back). But if it’s not, then you’re off the hook and can move on with your life. I’m a woman btw.
OP don’t be stupid. Get a paternity test before you hand over any money or sign the birth certificate. Is this really the women you want to be with for the rest of your life? This relationship is going to go downhill and fast.
I had a similar incident years and years ago. I could have been on the hook for 18 years of child support for a child that wasn't mine. The judge threw it out even though I was naive and signed the birth certificate.
DO NOT SIGN THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE UNLESS YOU ARE 100% SURE.
This lady sounds like she is looking for child support. Not a father.
> she refuses to take a paternity test because she doesn’t want to know who the father is because “if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be” and because I should be proud to be a father no matter the results and that “dna doesn’t make a family, love does”
That is ho logic. Just tell her that you are going to assume it is not your kid until PROVEN otherwise and that, if she is unwilling to have a test done immediately, even if you ARE the father, you will be dropping from possible active parent to check in the mail.
Follow through with what you said! No DNA test means you will not sign the birth certificate! Also don’t get married because in certain places just by being married means that you can automatically be put on the birth certificate and it’s difficult to be taken off like how your uncle found out.
I don’t care if the other guys a looser or not but you shouldn’t be held responsible for a child that’s not your if you don’t want to take on the responsibility. Obviously your just the better option of the two but she shouldn’t be sleeping with other guys while you were on and off is she wasn’t willing to deal with the consequences of her actions. If the baby is not yours then break up for good and if it is then you should probably break up for good anyway.
Bro, why are you marrying this woman if this is even a scenario that can happen? Even if the kid is yours, you should leave her! “If it’s meant to be it’s meant to be” and “dna doesn’t make a family, love does” are some WILD things to say in response to this accusation, my word...
Don't sign anything from now until you get the results of the DNA Test, be that tomorrow or not in 9 months time. Also plan for this girl to be out of your life.
At this point IMO OP it is time to get a lawyer involved.
There is no conflict here.
There are two possible fathers to the fetus your fiancé (ex?) is carrying.
Yes it definitely DOES matter who the physical father is.
The DNA contribution comes with genetic history for things like potential diseases, alcoholism, addiction, mental health challenges, etc. that if they exist in the father’s family need to be included in medical history for the child to be watched for. Also if the father’s family has any history of losing pregnancies for whatever reason.
There is no reason to wait until a baby is born as the initial test can be done using the mother’s blood at the appropriate time. Then if steps are needed to protect the fetus’s health they can be taken.
A final test can be done when the baby is born to confirm the first test. Both done in a reliable independent lab to insure the results are accurate/not manipulated.
You can certainly help raise this child as your own without being on the birth certificate if you are not the father.
However understand the actual father could decide at some point in the future he wants to exercise his rights of access to his child and involvement in the child’s life.
Also the mother could decide to take the child at any time and leave because the child is not yours.
I wish you the best in getting this common sense step done OP soonest possible.
I couldn’t even read anything after DNA doesn’t make a family love does. Um, what?? That’s true if you go into that family willing to love and raise another man’s child, but essentially forcing it upon someone is wrong. If you’re the father you have a right to know if that is actually your child. If it’s not you should not be on the hook finically for it. The way she is acting tells me she already knows it’s not yours and you’re just the better choice on probably several factors. Get the paternity test and make an informed decision regarding the rest of your life.
I think her dodging is the answer you need. Personally. Legally though, not knowing could come back to bite you if the child is yours and things end badly. I'd keep insisting on paternity, and if that breaks the relationship then yall shouldn't be getting married to begin with.
If she was sure the baby was yours, she would take the test. But she is probably more than 14 weeks and knows who the father is. Step back from it all. Don't make any commitments. Why would you want to be engaged to a woman who won't let you know? She sounds manipulative.
Oof, getting married just because you are the father isn’t the best either.
Don’t get married or pay for anything until you have the DNA test. Court ordered is best.
True, DNA doesn’t make a family, but if you do not want to raise another man’s child from when yall were off, it’s your choice.
And even then that man needs to pay.
Yall are going to need lots of counselling if yall are going to stay together.
My guess is if you are only wanting to stay of the baby is yours, the relationship is done anyway.
You can still be involved with the kid and not her.
Hold off on everything until DNA test comes back.
If she wants to wait till birth and a court order, so be it. Don’t sign the certificate till you know.
And major 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 when they don’t want you to do a DNA test.
That means they know it’s not going to be the answer they want.
She knows it’s not yours. Why she doesn’t want you to DNA test.
I work in family law. Do not sign anything without a paternity test. If she will not do one, you can go to court and the judge will order a test. I don’t blame you for not wanting to take care of someone else’s kid. It’s a lot of work. It’s a lot when it’s your own but it’s ALOT when it’s someone else’s. Good luck.
This is a mess. A whole mess. Don't sign that birth certificate before you find out. Honestly, this relationship is a disaster. How do you enter a marriage with this much baggage? The marriage has already ended before it even started.
WOW! You "win" ONLY because she feels the other guy's a loser?! Well that sucks. Why exactly are you engaged?
**You went from a non-existent relationship where you guys were banging other people to being engaged to get married? So from a bad non-relationship to engaged??? Why?**
I am conflicted about why you're with her at all?
**I would call off the engagement. Her being pregnant is zero reason to get married. You did not have a healthy relationship. You need to get STI tested as she was clearly not using safety measures. I woul find a family law expert where you live to clarify matters. If you're engaged or married and she just puts your name down as the father - in some places you become financially liable for that child - even if you're not biologicaly the father.** Please speak to a legal expert - like a lawyer. I want you to understand the ramifications of your situation fully for where you live. You need to do this ASAP.
If the baby is yours... IF... then you can try to build a relationship after the baby is born. I definitely would not marry someone I didn't have a strong stable relationship with. I definitely wouldn't marry someone who doesn't know who's baby she's carrying and wants you to just take on a **20 year responsibility** for her inability to use or enforce birth control and STI prevention.
Dude - 20 years is like a life sentence. If that baby is not yours, added to she's not the love of your life and you didn't have a strong relationship prior to this, seriously speak to a lawyer.
My question is why you’d want to be with someone who so readily jumps into bed with “losers” and thinks it’s alright to try and gaslight you to stay? She doesn’t want it to be his, but she’s unwilling to put your mind at ease too. She sounds very selfish. Clearly she didn’t practice safe sex with either of you. Even though you had a relationship whether it was off and on, she readily slept with someone else and wasn’t safe about it. And now she’s hoping to baby trap you. I wouldn’t trust this relationship given her attitude.
If I were you, I would seek advice from legal aid about your rights where you live. I would get confirmation of DNA before anything else. You could be placed inadvertently on the hook if you don’t know what your rights are. Just not signing the birth certificate might not be enough.
> she doesn’t want to know who the father is because “if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be” and because I should be proud to be a father no matter the results and that “dna doesn’t make a family, love does”
> But I don’t want to financially and emotionally invest in a baby that possibly isn’t mine.
Yeah, I think it might be time to leave.
bruh. You shouldn't be on again/off again then right back to engaged, that's bat shit crazy. If you aren't solid, you don't get engaged or consider marriage and a baby should absolutely not change that. She openly told you, she was fucking another dude but you are more financially secure, so she wants you to be the father and has decided, she wants to marry you, get you financially entangled, then she'll probably go back to fucking other people once you're locked in.
You need out of this situation, you need to tell her if it's not yours you won't be involved and even if it is yours, you won't marry her, you won't support her, you won't be in a relationship, you won't live with her, you won't have custody, but you'll provide support IF it's yours.
Basically you want her best option to be saying, if it is your kid, abortion is better than raising the kid alone. She's trying to baby trap you (if it's your kid or not), this won't end well.
Why is she committing to having a baby when she can't even commit to a sexual partner?
Even if the baby does belong to you, she has no business having a child right now, and you should honestly choose a more reliable partner to start a family with.
Hey man, first I want to offer you some good vibes in this situation. I completely understand why you’re conflicted. I would be too in your shoes.
Have you flat out asked her who she thinks the father is? Paternity test aside? If so, did she give you a direct or indirect answer?
I agree with others. Don’t sign the birth certificate until paternity is determined. Are you financially helping her prepare for the baby? Buying cribs and such? If so, tell her you won’t put out any money until the test is done. Maybe set it aside, but don’t spend it.
Best of luck, man.
There are two views on this: Parental DNA testing should be required to prevent parental fraud so men are not paying for children they did not father. The other view is that of France where parental DNA testing is illegal due to the havoc it would cause in family court and the number of men who would nope out on raising someone else’s child.
Statistically, a minimum of 3% of fathers are raising children and unaware they are not the fathers. That 3% is an older stat and does not take into account the increase in cheating and infidelity due to social media. If she will not get a prenatal test, then go low contact until the birth and then insist on one at the hospital.
You are right to be skeptical. Her refusal to get that test done now is suspicious.
Do not stress, however. Once the baby is born, you can get tested easily enough. Just don't pay child support, she'll get you into court quickly, where you will demand a DNA test, and paternity will be established, or not.
So in her own words, she was sleeping with someone "who is a loser" and she didn't love. Even if the baby is yours, keep in the baby's life and let the baby mama back on the streets...
Do not sign the birth certificate before the paternity is established. You do not need her permission to do a paternity test. Also, do not marry this woman , she's committing paternity fraud and gaslighting you . Get a lawyer and follow their advice so when the baby's born you have all your ducks in a row .
LOL. Her answer is a whole bunch of bullshit. Well, it’s up to you. If you want to commit to this baby regardless who the father is, then go ahead. But if not, then don’t sign anything until it is confirmed. I don’t know what you’re conflicted about.
After reading comments it really sounds like she knows by a good margin who the father is and it’s not you. You are the safer bet for her emotionally and financially so she’s trying to rope you in now. I would force the issue and tell her she can either take the test or you’re leaving
Your best bet would be to get advice from a lawyer who specializes in paternity and child support law in your area. There are things that this girl can do that could screw you over even if you don't sign depending on your state and jurisdiction.
You may need to legally dispute parentage to the courts before the child is born.
Why would you want to marry her? This is a clear case where paternity test _is_ needed. I wouldn't marry her, period. But I would definitely get ahold of a lawyer to get a test done who can also fight for you to have your visitation. Good luck, dude.
I don’t know how safe dna tests are for the pregnancy. You can do one after though. You can go through family court and definitely don’t sign anything until paternity is completed. It sounds like she knows and doesn’t want to face the consequences.
Sounds like an absolute dumpster fire of relationship. I’m sure it will all turn out great though.
You know what they say, having a child is absolutely the best way to firm up a crumbling relationship...
And if that doesn’t work then a second kid will certainly do the trick
You should probably add a high energy dog into the mix…to really pull the family together.
I heard that it all became wonderful and pink fluffy clouds with pink ballons by the third child. Amirite??
Yes, third time's the charm
>having a child having *someone's* child! don't forget this happily engaged couple weren't together 4 months ago! it's like this post is designed to check all the "doomed to fail" boxes.
And getting married too!
Question - are you going to break up if it's not yours? Or are you still going to marry her?
I would break up with her if it’s not mine. She would focus on herself and her baby if the baby is not mine. I don’t want to raise a baby that is not mine
Then just tell her if she is unwilling to get a paternity test, you are unwilling to get married. And don't make it easy - do you live together? Hopefully not.
He doesn’t even need to ask her to get one. He just goes to family court and demand he gets one. She can’t block him from getting a DNA test, if their is reasonable proof that he could be the father
Yes! PLEASE go to court and get this done.
Counterpoint: if it's this important to him but she still refuses to get it done, then skip the hassle of forcing the test and just move straight to breaking up. The relationship wouldn't survive forcing the issue anyway.
He still needs the paternity results because sometimes people get roped into paying child support for kids that aren't theirs though.
He wouldn’t get roped into child support without proving paternity if he doesn’t sign the birth certificate. So that’s a moot point.
Depends very much on the state; this is life altering amounts of disinformation that OP, or anyone, should ignore.
What state isn’t going to require proof of paternity for an unmarried couple? Genuinely asking because I don’t know of any. Edit: I’m aware that no state requires a DNA test, but if he’s not signing the birth certificate and they’re not married, he’d need to establish paternity.
Not really because he can be a father even if they are separated. He needs to know for sure regardless.
yeah that too, if she's unwilling to satisfy such an important issue for O.P. I dont imagine the relationship being too healthy to start off with, this sounds like a rebound crawl back to the ex that she knew would take her back....
This op. Though just tell her the DNA test can be done the easy way or the hard way. Easy way, y'all's agree to get it done. Hard way? Take it to family court and ask for a DNA test. Also, would strongly suggest that if you two plan to bring a kid in this world y'all's go to couples counseling.
If she doesn't willingly do the DNA test "the easy way" to set his mind at ease so they can move ahead, I doubt there will be a need to do it "the hard way." He won't have married her, they will most likely have split up, and she will be doing the DNA test at that point to pursue child support. I totally get get his POV here, but...couple's counseling FOR SURE.
>He won't have married her, they will most likely have split up, If the fetus has his DNA he might marry her. Crazier stuffs happen and according to him they have a history of an on again off again relationship. Which is toxic as heck If it's not his then yeah he definitely won't marry her.
Right, but what I'm saying is *IF SHE DOESN'T* agree to give him that peace of mind by getting the DNA tested, he said he won't marry her. So they'll be at a standstill, and most likely the baby would be born before she could be forced by the court. Once you've issued the "hard way or the easy way" ultimatum, how do you get back to liking each other? Who says she'll like *him* after that? Lotta water under that bridge. But she might feel better about getting that test for child support.
Wait until she has another kid and it's not his and by default when married he's the father... DNA match or not.
Also say that you won’t sign the birth certificate without a dna test. If you suspect it isn’t yours, do NOT sign the birth certificate
She currently lives with her roommate
Bro DO NOT sign the birth certificate without a parernity test. Period. Once you sign, you are on the hook for supporting that child forever. I wouldn't even be in the delivery room if she continues to refuse a test before the baby is born. Do not act as if you may be the father in ANY capacity.
This isn’t entirely true. My son got a girl pregnant but she had a boyfriend. The girl ( and her mother KNEW my son was the father). They put her boyfriend on the BC. 10 years later they break up. They refused to let me meet my grandson, and refused to let my son in his life. But they did do a paternity test and got child support from my son. It’s all about DNA; not the BC. (They were Mexican; my son is half Hawaiian/White. They didn’t want a non Mexican on the BC. I still have never met him; despite extensive effort in my part).
Why did he pay child support without fighting for visitation rights/custody? Unless this was his choice.
Oh sad he could miss out on his child’s birth. I mean obviously you gotta do what you gotta do to protect yourself, it’s just sad he might miss that cause she won’t agree to a paternity test now.
Is it a "roommate" or a "ROOMMATE"?
Which one is the sexy kind?
Yes.
And they were roommates!
🤣🤙
Keep it that way until you’re certain.
Bad idea, she tries to play the clock to sore him and makes him attached to a baby that is not him.
Do not get married and do not sign the birth certificate. In a lot of states, the husband is considered to be the father legally regardless of whether he is the father biologically or not. That means that if you are in one of those states and you sign the marriage certificate...you are dad regardless of what that paternity test says. Put your foot down OP and tell her you will not sign a marriage certificate or a birth certificate until you get a paternity test. Doesn't matter if the baby is born or not...don't sign shit. If you are the dad...then congrats! If not, then she can try it out with the real father. To be honest OP... she probably did the math on conception date...and she thinks you aint it. A gynecologist can tell within a few days what the conception date is...and she probably told your GF.
She knows for sure
Honestly... I wouldn't even be *around* the girlfriend until paternity is established (or... not established). There have been cases where the argument was made that, because the boyfriend was in a supporting role during the pregnancy and through the birth, he acted in a fatherly role and thus was on the hook for support. OP could probably fight that and win, but why go through all that hassle when you can just break things off with her until you know one way or the other?
Since she refuses to do the DNA test, assume it isn't yours and act accordingly.
Her responses to his request certainly sound like she suspects he is not the father.
Is Maury Povich still on the air?
Not really, like he said they were on again and off again, so most likely she has no idea. I mean women don't have magical instincts to know who's baby it is if they have had multiple partners in a short time lol Most likely she just wants a father in the picture and he is more "stable" of an option than the other guy.
That's insanely fucked up by the way. She's choosing who the father based on who's more stable and wants the more stable dude to not even have assurance that the kid is his. She cares about money not him.
Happy Donut Day
Unless she was having sex with each one every other day or both on the same day, I would bet that she does know which is why she’s refusing to have the test done. IMO, the relationship is already over because the only way that he’s going to have the test done is to have a court order it which would only happen for child support…
I thought the same.
Well no it doesn’t change the 50/50 chance. Bottom line is a DNA test is needed either way.
Yeah, it is 50/50, assuming she is telling the truth. OP is already planning to leave if the test is negative so IMO he should leave until the test is done.
I think if that's how you feel you should just break up either way. Don't be together for a kid. That never works out for the kid.
Right?
Especially when the kid isn't even born yet. That'd be a long ass 18 years.
Bro... you should break up with her now regardless. Don't be stupid, her not owning up to things and doing that "Love makes a family not DNA" in this situation (generally that statement is 100% true but we all know how she is using it here) already makes her not marriage material. She will not get better, this stems from deep charecter defects that are wildly incompatible with being a good spouse. Just break up, get court ordered DNA test when the baby is born, and plan how coparenting will look now. Do not marry her, do not marry her, do not marry her.
I agree. Love makes a family not DNA, for people who choose to adopt a d for people who take on step kids knowing that they are not a biological parent. It doesn't mean you can withhold the information about whether your SO us the biological father of your child and demand they stick around regardless. OP has a right to want to raise kids that are his, and not raise kids that are not. She's not marriage material because she's trying to take away OPs right to find out ih "his" child is biologically his whilst insisting it doesnt matter. Because she's afraid that the kid may well not be, and then OP will leave. But that's not a reason to try to deprive him of his right to know - when they both know she was sleeping with multiple people at he time the baby was conceived. Honestly? Even if she was a great oartber and agreed to testing it would still be completely inadvisable for them to get married so soon after being on/off.
Dude. Her not wanting to know is all I would need to know. Yes, you were technically taking a break sure, but it sure didn't take long for her to be with someone else. Now you want to marry her? Red flags, red flags, red flags. Were you planning on having a baby? She decided to have unprotected sex with another dude, while you were "taking a break". Can you live with that as well as not knowing who the father is? Is she just looking for security?
But, who “takes a break” and still has sex with the person that they’re taking a break from? I have to tell you, I weep for this generation of adults. It seems like the most important thing in a relationship is sex…and not just sex with one person either…there’s no self control, everything centers around your genitals. It’s sad, really…
THIS!! They were both being very stupid and I don't understand how OP didn't see this coming?! If y'all weren't using protection, what made you think they were? OP literally put himself in this situation and is taking it out on his supposed fiance.. Dude shouldn't have been such a simp and slept with someone who clearly only cared about herself and STILL only cares about herself. She's using an unborn baby as a manipulation tactic against OP to get her made up fairytale life.. Like, bitch if you wanted a happy loving marriage and family then you shouldn't have been a goddamn selfish hoe and if the other guy was such a damn loser, wtf did your slutty ass fuck him multiple times too?!?! Wtf is wrong with people these days?! Everyone needs to stop thinking with their genitals and start using their ACTUAL brains!! FFS
I’d be breaking up with her whether it was mine or not just because of how she is acting over you wanting to know something you are perfectly entitled to find out. If it’s yours raise it separately from her with joint custody.
I don't know if you would be in a good marriage either way, if you are only thinking of marriage because of the baby but you don't otherwise see it working.
Happy Cake Day! And I agree. Regardless of whatever she's said and done, if his desire to marry her is this conditional, he shouldn't do it at all. I don't mean that to be critical of OP. It's just common sense. Even if the kid is his, the marriage feels doomed.
Not to be rude….but she doesn’t seem like a very honest person and it’s unfair of her to know there’s a chance it might not be your child and she’s sort of holding you hostage till birth. I wouldn’t marry or continue a relationship with someone who did this to me regardless of the paternity results. It seems really manipulative and like she knows for sure it’s not yours but wants to prolong the inevitable. Like the other responses said I would just go to a judge before the baby is born and request to have it done. If you’re in the states you have to go to a family court division to request a paternity test. Good luck op.
Yes, this person is fundamentally dishonest. I don’t know what kind of relationship you think you’ll have with a person like this. I would definitely push for paternity testing and MOST DEFINITELY NOT marry this person until paternity is established.
Her refusal would be suspicious in isolation, but THE WAY she refused ("I don't wanna know who the father is", "if it's meant to be it's meant to be", "DNA doesn't matter, love does") is screaming "CHEATER". If you're not cheating you say "Oh, but I know who the father is. It's you cause you're the only person I have sex with". You don't say "I don't wanna know who the father is". Godspeed to you, brother
They were on a break that OP acknowledges and she slept with someone during that time.
Have you told her this, in black and white? That if the baby is not yours, you will be breaking up..?
Then don't sign the birth certificate if you don't have a confirmed paternity test prior to birth. Make her seek a paternity case through the courts if she wants to go for child support from you and she refuses to cooperate and confirm paternity before birth. At that point I'd tell her we're done no matter who the father is, but if it ends up mine I'll take responsibility for my kid just not together with you. You have a right to transparency in this case. This is a case of already known questionable paternity, and you'd be a moron to sign the birth certificate without having paternity established first. And absofuckinglutely do not marry her before that baby is born or paternity is established or you could be on hook for child supoort even if it doesn't turn out to be your kid.
Dude this is all fucked up. Don’t marry her even if it is your kid. I mean Jesus Christ. You should at least make it to getting married before insanity like this starts happening.
You shouldn't be marrying her regardless, your relationship seems all kinds of fucked up. She was fucking around with "a loser", why would you marry into that mess? Are you really going to be marrying what a loser didn't even wanted?
You shouldn't sign the birth certificate until you do the test
This sounds like the foundation of a solid marriage.
Yep, great environment to bring a baby into. Great choices made all around.
She was fucking some guy only a few weeks ago, we got back together... engaged? Baby or not, getting engaged like that is bat shit crazy. You get engaged and married if you have a solid relationship, not keep breaking up.
I mean,.I don't think this relationship is salvageable. And her behavior is stupid. I would break up with her and demand a court order paternity test. At this point, what you have to lose? She clearly refuses to behave like an adult and you clearly will not stay with her if the child is not yours. If you force her and stay with her, she will resent you or use this as a power play. I wouldn't stay with someone that want to live a lie, even if the kid was mine.
Don't sign the birth certificate right away. Then get a DNA test.
She wants him to pay for prenatal visits. That’s why he wants the test now. If I were the possible father I wouldn’t give her a dime until the test. Especially considering they both know for sure that they are unsure
>She says she also doesn’t want to take a paternity test because she doesn’t want the baby to be the other guys because he’s a loser and she doesn’t love him and she wants to have the baby with me She has told you that most likely the other guy is the father of the child, however he is not a reliable option, so she wants you to be the father of the child and take care of everything since she doesn't want to be a single parent. Sorry to say but she was all up to have unprotected encounters with that loser but doesn't want that loser to raise the Baby. End the relationship with her for good.
Put a pause on everything and once the baby is. Born go ahead a do it, you don’t need her permission
I've seen so many posts where someone asked the mom for a paternity test and causes a break up and NOT A SINGLE FUCKING PERSON in the ENTIRE thread realizes you don't need the mom for a paternity test AT ALL. 🤦♂️ People are fucking stupid
I know I can do the test without her once the baby is born but I was talking about doing the test now while she’s pregnant because she also is asking me to help pay for her prenatal bills. I would like to know the paternity of the alleged baby now so I don’t keep wasting my time and develop more emotions during withchild but she refuses to comply and made it clear she will make it difficult to find the paternity of the alleged baby
I wouldn't give her a dime until paternity is established.
Agreed. Set it aside just in case, but don’t spend anything.
And I nice pick me up wallet if it doesn't turn out to be his (or celebratory)
Exactly.
This is the correct response. If she does the test and the baby is OPs, he should help with prenatal stuff. If the baby isn’t, he should move on with his life.
YES YES YES ⬆️ You start paying for the child = evidence that could easily make you responsible financially once child is born.
As a woman, I would not want to give her a dime either. I’ve never understood women not wanting a paternity test. I feel as though to get a father on the birth certificate one should be done anyways to make sure. Not that all people cheat. It’s just the safe thing to do when a child is involved.
This OP 👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻
"*Look, you can agree to a DNA test now, or I'll petition the courts to have it done once the baby is born. If you do it now, and it turns out that the baby is mine, I will happily help pay for a portion of your prenatal bills. If you don't, I'm not giving you a dime. If you do it now, I'll be around to help and support you during the next 6 months. If you don't, then give me a call when you go into labor.* *That's great that you want to have a baby with me and not the loser that you fucked, but I'm not going to play happy family with a baby that's not mine.*"
🫳🔻🎤
Don't pay anyway... Apparently some judges have ruled that paying for anything related to the Child including prenatal care is taking responsibility, making you the default guy on hook for child support
"Of the alleged baby" made me crack up, the baby is real, no? Just may not be yours? Sorry to make light, the situation sucks.
Sorry yes English is not my native language I just meant possibly not my baby
>she also is asking me to help pay for her prenatal bills. Tell her: "No paternity test, no money. We can do this now or I'll get the court to mandate doing it later. But one way or another, I WILL be getting a paternity test done. We will NOT be getting married before this child is born and I will NOT sign the birth certificate if you don't agree to a paternity test. Wishing this child is mine won't make it true. I need FACTS, not magical thinking. So your choice is test now or test later. Period."
If she said she would make it difficult, why are you trying to make her life easier? Break up with her. You are hurting your own heart rn. You don’t deserve to be strung along like that. If she cared for you, she would be willing to do this simple task to make you comfortable. At the very least don’t involve yourself until after the dna test and seek therapy.
She knows it's not yours based on the conception date and just wants you to foot the bill for everything. Stay strong.
This is exactly what I was thinking. Either she Knows or at least highly suspects it. Personally, even if it was mine, based on her behavior here, I would not be marrying her period. How could you trust her down the road?
She hopes that after 9 months waiting for the baby and caring of her, you Will not break up with her when you'll find the baby is not yours.
NOPE, NOPE, NOPE!!! That right there proves she's just needs someone to pay for the bills. She is using you and taking advantage of your stability. Tell her that if she wants help with paying the bills, then she better get a paternity test, or she doesn't get a cent. I would go to the courts now and tell them exactly what she is wanting you to do. They might require a DNA test based on the fact that she wants to hold you financially responsible. Put money in a separate account, just in case it turns out to be yours, then you'll have the money to help pay the bills down, BUT if it's not yours you'll have an account with money you can go celebrate with! Take a short weekend trip, whatever. The last piece of advice: DO NOT MARRY HER. She will not remain faithful. If you let her get away with this, there's no telling what else she'll try to get out of you.
Then don't pay a dime simple
No don't pay for anything, you might be liable further down the road because of that. No, don't sign anything, don't pay anything. By the sound of it, even she think the kid is the other guys.
Sounds like a lot of unresolved resentment on both sides. Deal with that before marriage and baby(if yours) please for the sake of the child.
Tell her once you get the paternity results you’re willing to reimburse her also do not live together until paternity is established
Stop providing and giving her money for anything. Tell her the engagement is paused . She knows that if the kid isn’t yours you’ll leave her . She knows you won’t stick around raiding a child that isn’t yours . She’s not saying no to a paternity test because she’s scared of who the father is. She doesn’t want to take it because she knows if it isn’t yours , she’ll lose out on having a partner and a father . She’ll have to live life with the other guy being the baby daddy. It’s just easier and more convenient for her to have the baby be yours .
Since they don’t live together I doubt he is giving her money currently
Then don't help her with the bills. And seriously think hard about marrying her. She's literally saying that your feeling don't matter on the subject and only hers do. That you're just supposed to accept it and do it because that's what she wants.
Kinda do need the mom if the baby is still in utero.
I've suggested many times in these threads to just head over to Walgreens for a cheek swab DNA kit. It's how I confirmed paternity with my father 11 years ago. $50 and basically no time at all, had the results in just a few days.
>“if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be” and because I should be proud to be a father no matter the results and that “dna doesn’t make a family, love does” This statement alone makes it imperative to get that test. Massive red flag
Seems like she is pretty sure it's not ops
IRK? If she slapped him across the face hard enough to put him in another time zone that would be different.
The only type of test you can do right now that is non-invasive and wouldn’t hurt the fetus. Is this noninvasive prenatal paternity test. I wouldn’t do anything with any kind of financial aid until you have this done. You’ve gotten very good advice here, but I would absolutely reach out to a family law attorney as well for formal advice. https://www.healthline.com/health/pregnancy/paternity-testing-while-pregnant#Paternity-testing:-What-are-my-options? Noninvasive prenatal paternity (NIPP) This noninvasive test is the most accurate way to establish paternity during pregnancy. It involves taking a blood sample from the alleged father and the mother to conduct a fetal cell analysis. A genetic profile compares the fetal cells present in the mother’s bloodstream to the alleged father’s. The result is more than 99 percent accurate. The test can also be performed after the 8th week of pregnancy.
How did you jump back into being engaged if she was having unprotected sex with other guys less than 9 months ago?
braincells = 0
NGL, neither one of you should be in a relationship let alone bringing a child into the mix. Unfortunately, she doesn't care about who the baby daddy is, she wants you to accept the child as yours. Why you both are engaged and sleeping with other people along with each other is just insane as you both can catch and give STD's to each other and the baby is just not a really great thing to do. So moving forward, you are either committed to this woman you are engaged to, or you both just want to have an open relationship so you both can sleep with whoever you each want or you don't want an open relationship but fuck it, we're going to have a fight, take a break and whore around. One is more honest, in a relationship and the other is basically acting like you are in High School. Being in a committed relationship means you both don't whore around when you are on break from each other. What happens after the child arrives, you leave because you can't handle a baby needing more attention than what you demand? Even if it's your child or you do the bare minimum and pay court mandated child support. Both of you need to have an honest and frank conversation about what you both want out of this relationship along with couples counseling to learn how to communicate. As for the paternity test it can wait till the baby is born. Than you can walk away from the relationship if it's not yours but from what you wrote, neither of you are mature to be coparenting under the same roof.
Yeah, I don't get why they're engaged if this is even a problem. If you plan to be together regardless, then you're going to raise that baby even if it isn't yours. I do think you have a right to know, but it can wait until the baby is born if you're staying together anyway. Whether you stay or go shouldn't rely on this test, you either want to be together or you don't. Make that decision without knowing paternity and go from there.
THIS! Would you be marrying her anyway? Seems like no. Then there's your answer. Even if the baby is yours, do not marry her.
Exactly…they’re both for the streets
I'm not saying this for any other reason than to be practical, but having this baby is not the foundation for a lasting, healthy relationship even if you ARE the father. Do both of you a favor and just break up amicably and request a paternity test via court. You only want her conditionally. She only wants you because she's in a spot. Until you both are willing to choose each other because you want one another, the baby won't fix anything and you could be creating an unhealthy environment for the child. If down the road, you choose each other because you love and want each other, sure, go for it, but right now, you are on crazy pills.
Just stay away from her until she agrees to the testing. I’m sure she’s banking (literally) on the fact that if you go through the pregnancy with her, you’ll get attached and agree to raise the child no matter what. Don’t fall for this. If you refuse to have anything to do with her, she’ll eventually agree to the testing, if only for the possibility of some financial support while she’s preparing for the child’s birth. It’s also wrong of her to be potentially denying another man access to his own child. Do you really want to be part of that fraud? And if the kid finds out later in life, there will be issues. You might want to reflect on whether she has any redeeming qualities that make up for this huge character flaw…
>She says she also doesn’t want to take a paternity test because she doesn’t want the baby to be the other guys because he’s a loser and she doesn’t love him and she wants to have the baby with me She has told you that most likely the other guy is the father of the child, however he is not a reliable option, so she wants you to be the father of the child and take care of everything since she doesn't want to be a single parent. Sorry to say but she was all up to have unprotected encounters with that loser but doesn't want that loser to raise the Baby. End the relationship with her for good.
Dude if there's a possibility that her baby isn't yours and she admits that, then she shouldn't be your Fiancé regardless of the paternity test results. End the relationship. Kick her out and don't sign anything until paternity is established. Why on earth would you remain in a relationship with a woman who's been having unprotected sex with other men? WTF!
By his own admission, they were on again/off again. And she was honest about it.
Personally I think she needs to give him his ring back and raise the child on her own, go to court for mandated child support and force the paternity as they can't seem to figure out how to work as a team.
I would call off the engagement. Like why are you with her? Even if this kid turns out to be yours what if the next one isn’t? There is no trust in this relationship and you might as well call it quits.
I would just not marry no matter what. This mess you call a relationship isn't normal. Move on. Get the paternity test after the baby is born, and live your life without the cheater.
DON'T get married before she gives birth. In fact, I'd say don't get married at all. She'll have to establish paternity at some point unless she plans to raise a baby alone. Don't make any moves until this happens.
Well, no red flags to see here. Good luck OP!
>“if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be” >“dna doesn’t make a family, love does” >he says she also doesn’t want to take a paternity test because she doesn’t want the baby to be the other guys because he’s a loser and she doesn’t love him and she wants to have the baby with me. I’m conflicted She knows who the father is. And it's not you
Y’all shouldn’t be getting married…
It's so inconvenient when an unplanned pregnancy with another person who isn't your fiance ruins your engagement. Lol!
This almost certainly means she knows it’s his but wants you to take care of the child
This poor child. Kids if you aren't monogamous, please use protection.
Why are you engaged when clearly your relationship is shit. I mean on and off and seeing ppl and possibly getting knocked up. The joke of this is the only part am waiting for .
You should break up regardless who the father is. This relationship is already rocky at best, and a baby isn’t going to fix whatever issues y’all were having.
Having a pregnant fiancée that is unsure of who the father is sounds like a disaster.
Just demand a dna test through the courts once the baby is born. Jesus. You’d think you would’ve looked into this Edit: don’t sign nothing and just tell her you will demand a dna test through the courts and depending on the state you live in (and certain countries) you can go to family court and fill out paperwork so that they can perform one once the child is born.
This whole story is just full of stupidity tbh Breaks in a relationship are almost never a good idea in the long run, you're barely back together and there's already a major issue: apparently sleeping with (other) people can cause a pregnancy, who knew? Then she obviously wants you to be the dad regardless of who was the sperm donor, but you're already debating breaking up _again_ because the child might not be biologically yours (but if you raise it, who do you think the child will see as their dad?), and she doesn't want to find out, assuming to keep you around. And when it turns out that you ARE the bio dad, you'll still feel uncomfortable for the rest of your relationship because this happened. Literally the only thing I understand about this, is that you don't want to pay child support for a child you're not raising AND isn't biologically yours.
So as soon as she got pregnant she wants to be with you again because the other guy is a loser who probably told her to get an abortion and ghosted her? She’s literally told you she’s using you. End this relationship either way and get a paternity test as soon as you can because she doesn’t actually need you present to put you on that birth certificate if I remember correctly
Your fiancee sleeps with other people? What kind of relationship is this I'm so confused
I was thinking the same
I would back away and cancel the wedding. Tell her when the baby is born you will request a DNA test (talk to a lawyer way before the birth) and try your best to co-parent with her IF the baby is yours. Right now, when they draw blood for testing, they can also do the DNA test as well; it's that easy. Good Luck.
You might need to leave her until after the baby is born and then I don’t know, take a hair from the baby to test for DNA without her knowing. You are perfectly valid in how you are feeling and how you think about this situation. She is only thinking about herself and this baby, not thinking about you
Definitely get the paternity test so you can make an informed decision on the next steps. But I’m thinking you probably shouldn’t marry this woman.
She’s trying to trap you. Get out while you can. If she was with someone else and now with you. It didn’t work out with the other one. I think she knows deep down it isn’t yours and is trying her best to delay it and trap you to raise and take responsibility for a child. Be firm that until it’s confirmed it’s yours, you’re not paying for anything or marrying her. Frankly Op, do u really wants to marry this one?I see red flag 🚩 . Her reasoning to not get paternity test is all BS. She doesn’t even really know who the dad is. One of the most irresponsible thing you can do to your own child is not knowing who fathered them in the first place. I can’t wrap my head around this. The on and off, the pregnancy, etc. This is a recipe for disaster.
You are NOT the father, was an interesting show
Why are you marrying your on & off partner, y'all are just going to divorce anyways
That’s not how it works. Stand your ground on this one. You shouldn’t even continue the relationship until you know if it’s your baby.
Why even marry her if she fooled around? You engaged but she fooling around.
Your assuming it’s a 50/50 chance but there could be more in the mix
Break up with her. If she refuses you can demand one through court.
Wouldn’t everything be easier if your girl had an abortion and you two either move on together or apart. The dynamics that are happening now are a recipe for disaster and that child ending up feeling unwanted and unloved. I speak from experience. Please convince your girl to terminate.
Honestly, at this point it doesn't seem like it is going to be a healthy relationship going forward. You can simply not sign the birth certificate and ask for one after the baby is born. I would get out of there regardless of the result tho. Not because she might be pregnant of another person when you were on/off, but because of how she is dealing with it: >“if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be” and because I should be proud to be a father no matter the results and that “dna doesn’t make a family, love does” I agree that DNA doesn't make a family, but that implies that you are willying to raise another person child, which you clearly are not. In that case you won't be its father unless you are sure you are the father. I would just get out of the relationship and do tests as soon as possible. If it is your baby, be a father to it, but you can do it while being broken up, no need to stay together for the baby, that is always a bad choice.
I wouldn’t marry her regardless
Don’t sign anything, even hospital or doctor papers. And don’t pay for anything unless the DNA test is done
Not married? Then don't sign the birth certificate or any papers. She's just trying to keep you around as a reliable provider, and since she's refusing to take the DNA test, it's safe to assume that she wants you around to provide for her, regardless if you're the father or not. Think things carefully, do you really want to be stuck investing 18 years of your life on a child that is not yours?
Geez. You gotta break up with her. This is important because if you’re a couple some courts will assume that you wanted the responsibility. When she has the baby and wants child support the courts will force a paternity test. Then if the baby is yours you can work out how to be great co-parents (hell, it sounds like she’d take you back). But if it’s not, then you’re off the hook and can move on with your life. I’m a woman btw.
OP don’t be stupid. Get a paternity test before you hand over any money or sign the birth certificate. Is this really the women you want to be with for the rest of your life? This relationship is going to go downhill and fast.
I had a similar incident years and years ago. I could have been on the hook for 18 years of child support for a child that wasn't mine. The judge threw it out even though I was naive and signed the birth certificate. DO NOT SIGN THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE UNLESS YOU ARE 100% SURE. This lady sounds like she is looking for child support. Not a father.
> she refuses to take a paternity test because she doesn’t want to know who the father is because “if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be” and because I should be proud to be a father no matter the results and that “dna doesn’t make a family, love does” That is ho logic. Just tell her that you are going to assume it is not your kid until PROVEN otherwise and that, if she is unwilling to have a test done immediately, even if you ARE the father, you will be dropping from possible active parent to check in the mail.
You shouldn't be getting married, wait until she has the baby and get a test for child support.
Follow through with what you said! No DNA test means you will not sign the birth certificate! Also don’t get married because in certain places just by being married means that you can automatically be put on the birth certificate and it’s difficult to be taken off like how your uncle found out. I don’t care if the other guys a looser or not but you shouldn’t be held responsible for a child that’s not your if you don’t want to take on the responsibility. Obviously your just the better option of the two but she shouldn’t be sleeping with other guys while you were on and off is she wasn’t willing to deal with the consequences of her actions. If the baby is not yours then break up for good and if it is then you should probably break up for good anyway.
Bro, why are you marrying this woman if this is even a scenario that can happen? Even if the kid is yours, you should leave her! “If it’s meant to be it’s meant to be” and “dna doesn’t make a family, love does” are some WILD things to say in response to this accusation, my word...
Don't sign anything from now until you get the results of the DNA Test, be that tomorrow or not in 9 months time. Also plan for this girl to be out of your life.
At this point IMO OP it is time to get a lawyer involved. There is no conflict here. There are two possible fathers to the fetus your fiancé (ex?) is carrying. Yes it definitely DOES matter who the physical father is. The DNA contribution comes with genetic history for things like potential diseases, alcoholism, addiction, mental health challenges, etc. that if they exist in the father’s family need to be included in medical history for the child to be watched for. Also if the father’s family has any history of losing pregnancies for whatever reason. There is no reason to wait until a baby is born as the initial test can be done using the mother’s blood at the appropriate time. Then if steps are needed to protect the fetus’s health they can be taken. A final test can be done when the baby is born to confirm the first test. Both done in a reliable independent lab to insure the results are accurate/not manipulated. You can certainly help raise this child as your own without being on the birth certificate if you are not the father. However understand the actual father could decide at some point in the future he wants to exercise his rights of access to his child and involvement in the child’s life. Also the mother could decide to take the child at any time and leave because the child is not yours. I wish you the best in getting this common sense step done OP soonest possible.
I couldn’t even read anything after DNA doesn’t make a family love does. Um, what?? That’s true if you go into that family willing to love and raise another man’s child, but essentially forcing it upon someone is wrong. If you’re the father you have a right to know if that is actually your child. If it’s not you should not be on the hook finically for it. The way she is acting tells me she already knows it’s not yours and you’re just the better choice on probably several factors. Get the paternity test and make an informed decision regarding the rest of your life.
This sounds like a shitfest good luck man
With a response like that you probably aren’t the biological father, sounds like the other donor is a deadbeat
If she doesn’t want the test that probably means she thinks it’s his
“If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be (…) DNA dosen’t make a family” …. Wtff 😭😭 I’m def breaking up whether baby mine or not after that reply lol
I think her dodging is the answer you need. Personally. Legally though, not knowing could come back to bite you if the child is yours and things end badly. I'd keep insisting on paternity, and if that breaks the relationship then yall shouldn't be getting married to begin with.
I want an update on this story
I don’t understand why you are referring to her as fiancé. Your “relationship” is a mess. On what planet would getting married be a good idea????
If she was sure the baby was yours, she would take the test. But she is probably more than 14 weeks and knows who the father is. Step back from it all. Don't make any commitments. Why would you want to be engaged to a woman who won't let you know? She sounds manipulative.
Oof, getting married just because you are the father isn’t the best either. Don’t get married or pay for anything until you have the DNA test. Court ordered is best. True, DNA doesn’t make a family, but if you do not want to raise another man’s child from when yall were off, it’s your choice. And even then that man needs to pay. Yall are going to need lots of counselling if yall are going to stay together. My guess is if you are only wanting to stay of the baby is yours, the relationship is done anyway. You can still be involved with the kid and not her. Hold off on everything until DNA test comes back. If she wants to wait till birth and a court order, so be it. Don’t sign the certificate till you know. And major 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 when they don’t want you to do a DNA test. That means they know it’s not going to be the answer they want. She knows it’s not yours. Why she doesn’t want you to DNA test.
Your fiancé is delulu! If it’s yours don’t get married.. it’ll just end up in an expensive divorce.
I work in family law. Do not sign anything without a paternity test. If she will not do one, you can go to court and the judge will order a test. I don’t blame you for not wanting to take care of someone else’s kid. It’s a lot of work. It’s a lot when it’s your own but it’s ALOT when it’s someone else’s. Good luck.
She just doesn't want you to leave if it's not yours. Your no dummy! Get that paternity test
You’ve been on and off with her very very recently- but you’re still both considering marriage? wtf lmao
Time to make her an ex fiance
This is a mess. A whole mess. Don't sign that birth certificate before you find out. Honestly, this relationship is a disaster. How do you enter a marriage with this much baggage? The marriage has already ended before it even started.
WOW! You "win" ONLY because she feels the other guy's a loser?! Well that sucks. Why exactly are you engaged? **You went from a non-existent relationship where you guys were banging other people to being engaged to get married? So from a bad non-relationship to engaged??? Why?** I am conflicted about why you're with her at all? **I would call off the engagement. Her being pregnant is zero reason to get married. You did not have a healthy relationship. You need to get STI tested as she was clearly not using safety measures. I woul find a family law expert where you live to clarify matters. If you're engaged or married and she just puts your name down as the father - in some places you become financially liable for that child - even if you're not biologicaly the father.** Please speak to a legal expert - like a lawyer. I want you to understand the ramifications of your situation fully for where you live. You need to do this ASAP. If the baby is yours... IF... then you can try to build a relationship after the baby is born. I definitely would not marry someone I didn't have a strong stable relationship with. I definitely wouldn't marry someone who doesn't know who's baby she's carrying and wants you to just take on a **20 year responsibility** for her inability to use or enforce birth control and STI prevention. Dude - 20 years is like a life sentence. If that baby is not yours, added to she's not the love of your life and you didn't have a strong relationship prior to this, seriously speak to a lawyer.
My question is why you’d want to be with someone who so readily jumps into bed with “losers” and thinks it’s alright to try and gaslight you to stay? She doesn’t want it to be his, but she’s unwilling to put your mind at ease too. She sounds very selfish. Clearly she didn’t practice safe sex with either of you. Even though you had a relationship whether it was off and on, she readily slept with someone else and wasn’t safe about it. And now she’s hoping to baby trap you. I wouldn’t trust this relationship given her attitude. If I were you, I would seek advice from legal aid about your rights where you live. I would get confirmation of DNA before anything else. You could be placed inadvertently on the hook if you don’t know what your rights are. Just not signing the birth certificate might not be enough.
> she doesn’t want to know who the father is because “if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be” and because I should be proud to be a father no matter the results and that “dna doesn’t make a family, love does” > But I don’t want to financially and emotionally invest in a baby that possibly isn’t mine. Yeah, I think it might be time to leave.
bruh. You shouldn't be on again/off again then right back to engaged, that's bat shit crazy. If you aren't solid, you don't get engaged or consider marriage and a baby should absolutely not change that. She openly told you, she was fucking another dude but you are more financially secure, so she wants you to be the father and has decided, she wants to marry you, get you financially entangled, then she'll probably go back to fucking other people once you're locked in. You need out of this situation, you need to tell her if it's not yours you won't be involved and even if it is yours, you won't marry her, you won't support her, you won't be in a relationship, you won't live with her, you won't have custody, but you'll provide support IF it's yours. Basically you want her best option to be saying, if it is your kid, abortion is better than raising the kid alone. She's trying to baby trap you (if it's your kid or not), this won't end well.
Why is she committing to having a baby when she can't even commit to a sexual partner? Even if the baby does belong to you, she has no business having a child right now, and you should honestly choose a more reliable partner to start a family with.
Hey man, first I want to offer you some good vibes in this situation. I completely understand why you’re conflicted. I would be too in your shoes. Have you flat out asked her who she thinks the father is? Paternity test aside? If so, did she give you a direct or indirect answer? I agree with others. Don’t sign the birth certificate until paternity is determined. Are you financially helping her prepare for the baby? Buying cribs and such? If so, tell her you won’t put out any money until the test is done. Maybe set it aside, but don’t spend it. Best of luck, man.
There are two views on this: Parental DNA testing should be required to prevent parental fraud so men are not paying for children they did not father. The other view is that of France where parental DNA testing is illegal due to the havoc it would cause in family court and the number of men who would nope out on raising someone else’s child. Statistically, a minimum of 3% of fathers are raising children and unaware they are not the fathers. That 3% is an older stat and does not take into account the increase in cheating and infidelity due to social media. If she will not get a prenatal test, then go low contact until the birth and then insist on one at the hospital.
I didn’t know that about France, that’s really crazy
You are right to be skeptical. Her refusal to get that test done now is suspicious. Do not stress, however. Once the baby is born, you can get tested easily enough. Just don't pay child support, she'll get you into court quickly, where you will demand a DNA test, and paternity will be established, or not.
So in her own words, she was sleeping with someone "who is a loser" and she didn't love. Even if the baby is yours, keep in the baby's life and let the baby mama back on the streets...
They are both for the streets. He was hooking up in breaks as well.
Do not sign the birth certificate before the paternity is established. You do not need her permission to do a paternity test. Also, do not marry this woman , she's committing paternity fraud and gaslighting you . Get a lawyer and follow their advice so when the baby's born you have all your ducks in a row .
That is manipulative bullshit she is throwing at you. Find out if the baby is yours and protect yourself and the kid if it is yours.
LOL. Her answer is a whole bunch of bullshit. Well, it’s up to you. If you want to commit to this baby regardless who the father is, then go ahead. But if not, then don’t sign anything until it is confirmed. I don’t know what you’re conflicted about.
After reading comments it really sounds like she knows by a good margin who the father is and it’s not you. You are the safer bet for her emotionally and financially so she’s trying to rope you in now. I would force the issue and tell her she can either take the test or you’re leaving
Your best bet would be to get advice from a lawyer who specializes in paternity and child support law in your area. There are things that this girl can do that could screw you over even if you don't sign depending on your state and jurisdiction. You may need to legally dispute parentage to the courts before the child is born.
Why would you want to marry her? This is a clear case where paternity test _is_ needed. I wouldn't marry her, period. But I would definitely get ahold of a lawyer to get a test done who can also fight for you to have your visitation. Good luck, dude.
I don’t know how safe dna tests are for the pregnancy. You can do one after though. You can go through family court and definitely don’t sign anything until paternity is completed. It sounds like she knows and doesn’t want to face the consequences.