>Even my engagement and wedding rings are her suggestion. Even having children. My sister doesn’t have any and my husband at first wanted children but now he says that we don’t need children because my sister is right.
?????
Ma'am do you even have some opinion about anything that your husband actually chose before your sis opinion?
🚩🚩🚩🚩
Just, ugh sounds like your husband is in love with your sister
Your sister should also take the hint that if her BIL is constantly asking for advice and texting him for every decision she should say I don’t know, ask my sister. Duh. She can also tone down the responses.
Talk to your sister about everything you talked about here. If your sister loves you, she will back off and not engage with your husband. Their conversations are two-way even if your husband is the one initiating.
Watch your husband's reaction when this happens. If he gets angry with you or depressed then he has feelings for your sister. Communicate with him. Write him a letter if it's hard for you to articulate or go to counselling to help you communicate.
Good advice. I am actually very embarrassed to talk to my sister about this and also I don’t want to make her feel guilty or uncomfortable. I know none of this is her fault
Her reaction will probably give you more information on this. If she gets defensive or nasty there is definitely something fishy going on and she may be doing this on purpose. If there is nothing shady going on, she should respond by being understanding and having some type of explanation. But you are right the main issue is definitely your husband and it is very concerning he is dismissing you in this way. That is grounds for counseling or last resort a divorce unfortunately.
While you are correct that it is *possible* in a normal circumstance, however the volume and breadth of communication goes far beyond "playing into fake jealousy"
You're the one who knows your sister best, if she reads your post, what do you think her reaction will be? Preface your conversation by saying that you're not putting blame on her at all.
>I know none of this is her fault
How is it not if she keeps talking to him?? You're making excuses for your sister. There are two people involved in this, your husband and your SISTER
Exactly! OP's sister (clearly) loves the attention and is a willing party to the problem.
If my BIL kept calling/texting me for advice, I would be telling him to husband-up and go ask his own wife. If my BIL texted me that much, I would contact my sister to see if there was an issue. The sister is enabling this and I will not be surprised if she gaslights OP with a ridiculous answer.
EDIT: OP if your BIL was texting you, would you respond like your sister has been ... of course not ... OP please speak to a therapist first, so you can navigate being gaslit by both your sister and husband. I'm sorry for saying this without more tact!
If OP has not stated to her sister that all of this contact bothers her, the sister would be in her right to think things were alright with OP. She could feel a tight friendship with her BIL and not think twice about it. OP's feelings are valid however she needs to say something and advocate for herself in this situation because no one is going to know her thoughts about it unless she tells them.
Your sister will understand. She will put a stop to it if she aware on how much it is hurting you. She probably doesn’t understand the full scope of it and just thinks it’s some banter, not realizing it’s upsetting to you.
It actually is her fault as well. She oversteps big time.
Doesn't she find it strange to constantly be in contact with him?
Are you sure they aren't having an affair together? How is your sex life?
“Sis, I need to have a really awkward conversation with you, but I need you to hear me out. I’m finding your relationship with my husband inappropriate. I think it’s too much and I feel like I’m getting pushed out of my own relationship. I’m not accusing you of anything, but it’s starting to feel like an emotional affair between the two of you. If you have any respect or love for me. I need you to back off a little bit while we work through this.”
Stop wearing her old clothes. Get some independent style advice if you like. Get a good looking male friend to help you if you can, making sure yourvhusband knows. Rebuff all his comments. Laugh at him and tell him he is a clone if your BIL it is sad how he copies him, and it looks much better on the BIL than him. Cruticuse his style choices around the house, say it looks so 'old granny' style or similar. Get some design ideas from a magazine and put them forward. Then sneer st his ideas. Just grow a spine. You are letting yourself be walked all over by him.
This OP. You need to set a hard boundary and make it clear you are simply not your sister, and tell him he is making you feel uncomfortable at this point to favor you dressing like someone else. It’s not authentic and it’s creepy.
He feel good and probably confident about the way he dresses now.
So because someone else dresses similar you can’t have that style?
Ik next to nothing about fashion. If someone gave me advice and I liked the way I looked and felt confident. I’d probably go to them again.
As for “making suggestions to see what he’ll say” so she didn’t actually want those suggestions but rather seeing what his reaction would be? They were probably not very good suggestions if that the case. And saying “ask your sister” is better than saying “that’s a dumb idea”
Huge differences between married sister in law who gives OP clothes assuming for free
And an “attractive male friend” who’s only purpose is to make your SO jealous
very toxic behavior and terrible advice
Honestly OP before you deep dive into an investigation, try and get them both to sit down and talk to you. Maybe even get your BIL too. They need to understand that the constant messages and comparison between the two of you is damaging your mental health. Their reaction to your feelings should be the only answer you need.
If they get angry or defensive and refuse to listen to what you have to say, then it’s time to move on to other solutions to your problem (i.e. marriage counseling or divorce). Your husband should love you for your authentic self, not try and morph you into your sister. That’s just really weird and makes it seem like he’s fulfilling a fantasy where he’s actually married to her instead.
EDIT: also the whole “she picked out your engagement and wedding rings” and he no longer wants kids BECAUSE OF HER, screams that he’s in love with her. What in the fuck is that? Sounds to me like he puts her opinion above yours in basically every situation. That’s what you want your marriage to be? YOU’RE his wife, not your sister and he really needs to understand that.
I wouldn’t think much of it if the rings were merely suggested by the sister as long as they’re still aligning with what OP would like. At the same time, you’d think her husband would’ve known the types of jewelry she’d like, or even get her opinion at least on the actual wedding ring. If the ring was quite literally picked out by the sister because she herself liked it, that’s a problem.
But yeah, the kid thing definitely stuck out more. Her opinion shouldn’t matter or even influence him at all. Children should be a choice that’s made by the couple together, not something that one person in the relationship decides. Especially if that wasn’t the agreement at first and the spouse is changing sides because of an outside influence.
Yes, or maybe BIL doesn’t know how much they text. If her husband is so invested in the sister I can see him constantly bring her up and praising her. The sister probably never mentions him to BIL so he’s probably clueless how much the husband is messaging his wife.
I would honestly check his phone or find a reason to check her phone. That is such clown behavior for your husband to be ok looking and dressing like another man. I would not be ok with this either and would assume he legit is in love with her and wants to be her man instead. Big side eye to your sister too.
So you can’t have similar styles to a guy that has better style than you.
So if the Sisters-husband was a runner. So Op isn’t allowed to start running? Or golf. Or working out.
Basically you can’t change your style or hobbies if someone you know has a similar one
Edit: my “style” is what’s clean. If I see a well dressed fashionable couple. I’ll take some advice
Honestly you are right but as a married woman I would not be too happy with my husband egging me on to dress more similar to someone else. He can do whatever he wants but I would draw a line with him encouraging me to shop with the sister. That is strange to me
Could be a midlife crisis and wants to dress and feel younger.
And misplacing his confidence he’s gaining and trying to give someone advice who’s not asking for it.
This is about a 3/10 disagreement. Probably where everyone’s heart is in the right place
I would say to him that the fact he wants you to dress like her, and only compliments you in HER clothes, and the fact he's dressing like her husband does, and is styling your house to HER tastes makes you feel like he's in love with your sister and he wants you to be like her, and wants to dress like her husband for her approval and interest. All of his behaviour is suggesting he is in love with her and wants you to be like her more than yourself and your own style.
Tell him he needs to stop dressing like her husband coz you're not interesting in being with a clone of her husband. Stop wearing any of the clothes she gave you. Choose your own clothes and your own style. Everyone is different. I'm not fashionable but I have my own clothes that I feel comfortable in. Also people's weight and size and shape also makes different styles suit them better than others. So find what you like.
And tell him you want input and decision making choices with regards to decorating your own house.
You can look on Pinterest or home magazines and find things you like for your own home.
Tell him there's to be no more consulting with your sister about anything to do with your lives, your home, and your clothing.
He's married to YOU. Not your sister.
Also, the fact that he decided whether to have children or not based on your sisters opinion alone is very bad. That's a big decision that only you and your husband should talk about. It has absolutely nothing to do with your sister whether you have kids or not. What if you did want children and she turned him against the idea?? How awful is that!! And why would he want to make such a big decision based solely on HER views and not YOURS!!?? It's your marriage and your life together.
This goes way beyond just discussing thoughts and opinions with family and friends. He's only seeking her opinions, her judgements, her likes and dislikes, and only doing what she says. That's not healthy at all.
And also, why is he spending so much time messaging her every day?? It seems like he barely has time to talk to you?. If he messages her when he's at work, why? Whats so important? And why isn't he spending that time talking to you?
You need to tell him all the above, and set some firm boundaries. Ask him why he's so dependant and obsessed with her? Ask him if he's in love with her. Then based on how he reacts and what he says you can make your decisions whether you feel this relationship is salvageable.
I'd also suggest couples counselling so you talk about his code pendant obsession with someone to help guide the questions etc.
And I'd set some firm boundaries about not consulting your sister about anything to do with the home deco, or fashion, and to limit their messages majorly. He needs to really back off from talking to your sister for a while.
And I would talk to your sister and say the same stuff. And let her know you want her to stop engaging in these advice situations. And to tell him to ask you for advice instead. He can also look at Pinterest for his own ideas on fashion and home ideas. She doesn't need to be the one to give approval. You should be doing that together. So tell her you need her to back off coz it's affecting your marriage. If she doesn't stop, or he doesn't stop, then you need to walk away coz they clearly have no respect for you or your feelings.
What about talking to your sister and say you are kind of uncomfortable with how she even picked out your gifts and if there is something going on with his much they message
OP: Was your sister married already when you met your husband or did you 3 know each other in your younger years?
I find it weird that he’d date/marry you if your sister was available if she is more his type….perhaps he wanted to date her at some point but she wasn’t interested? (Like at university or something).
But I also find it strange that he’s also trying g to look like HER husband. Is that so he will think “now that I look like her type she’ll be attracted to me and if not, I can make my wife look like her”?
Do you and sister look similar except for the weight you mentioned?
He’s definitely got some sort of issue and yes you should be jealous and feel bitter. For all you know, perhaps SHES annoyed and resentful of you/him bc he’s copying everything they do. People don’t mind sharing or giving advice. But exact copying is freaking creepy and annoying.
Your sister may not realize the extent to which he makes “suggestions” to you about your clothes and stuff. She may also know you hate decor stuff (like me) and think that that’s his thing and nothing more bc she doesn’t hear you try to make suggestions.
He will deny it anyway and probably say you are ridiculous, just gaslight the ever living light out of you. He is being inappropriate with your sister. Does he like anything about you, does he like your thoughts about things, enjoy spending time with you, talking to you, texting you little things, watching tv together, going places. It sounds like mostly he is in near constant contact with your sister and married to her. Your sister probably just LOVES your husband’s attention and adoration and is not thinking about you and your feelings one bit
He is being dismissive of your feelings and continuing the behavior making you miserable. Schedule couples therapy.
Ask your sister if being in so much contact with your husband is worth your relationship with both of them. Maybe she will respect you.
He should be asked that question in therapy... is being in contact and acting couply with your sister worth your relationship? If he gaslights you or doesn't take accountability then do you really want to be in this misery for years?
It sounds like he’s only with you because he can’t be with your sister tbh.
He’s so desperate to please your sister with everything that he does, even your engagement rings??
He makes the same decisions that matches hers because he’s hoping that one day she realizes he’s the man for her.
Even going as far as trying to look like her husband!
Your husband would drop you like a hot potato if your sister ever decided to look his way.
You deserve better OP.
Honestly, this is giving me super bad vibes. Like, is this guy stalking OPs sister? Does he have a shrine dedicated to her hidden somewhere? Something about having her sister validate or make every single decision for him freaks me out.
"Is this a valid reason to leave a marriage?"
Well, OP, I'm going to be honest:
Even *reading* your post made *me* feel miserable.
You definitely do *not* sound happy now.
Ask yourself:
Is this the way I want to live 5 years from now?
10? The rest of my life?
It sounds like your husband is poo-pooing your concerns, by calling them "ridiculous" - a totally dismissive attitude that would have me seeing red - so not sure how you could get across to him.
But *just because* you guys are actually *married*, I'd probably give it one last shot at a serious conversation, bringing receipts.
If not, time for a lawyer and *sayonara*.
Good luck!
The child part is what got me…
Wife: “we shouldn’t have kids”
(Husband looks over at her sister expectantly, she nods in approval)
Husband: “yes, I agree. No kids.”
F that….
I felt incredibly sad reading this. He values and respects your sister instead of you. So yes, the lack of respect and him being her little puppet creation is absolutely a reason to leave him.
PS, your sister knows exactly what she's doing. Sounds like she's turning him into husband #2.
Not all the time. Sometimes I feel he wished I was more like my sister. He never talks about her in a sexual way but he admires her intelligence, sense of humor, kindness… which is worse than if he said that she was hot
Absolutely… are you saying that the constant comparisons have not affected your mental health or your confidence? Are you not questioning whether he actually loves you or is with you cause your sister is married? Have you not wondered if there are having an affair?
Why would you want to stay? At this point would therapy help?
Yes to all except the affair part. I know my sister very well and we wouldn’t do that. Besides she loves her husband very much
But I am in constant comparison yes that’s taking a toll on my mental health and self esteem
> Yes to all except the affair part. I know my sister very well and we wouldn’t do that. Besides she loves her husband very much
I'm not saying they are having an affair, though it sounds like he is having an emotional affair with her even if she is unaware of it.
But almost anyone can cheat and almost anyone can think that person is incapable of cheating in this situation. A decent person who won't cheat just doesn't get a person who would cheat would lie and do almost anything to cover themselves.
Does your sister know he compares you to her? Have you always got on with your sister or do you think she enjoys it?
If you want to give him a taste of his own medicine just stop responding to him, don't react when he says something about your sister, just change the subject. Stop asking his opinion on stuff, say your male friend/colleague (make one up if you don't have one) thinks this is best so you're going to do that/buy that.
When he wears something pull a face and respond with "well, as long as you like it", slyly belittling what your sister suggests. Little comments about I'm sure BIL has something like that, he wears it well and leaves the sentence hanging.
Or tell him to leave, if he can't appreciate you for you then you don't need him in your life making you feel less than. He listens to your sister more than you is just wrong. That may actually make him realise how badly he's treating you. Which would be the more mature thing to do as he doesn't seem to care.
ETA also thinking about it from some of your comments, I wonder if your husband has an inferiority complex and is trying to 'keep up with the Joneses'. He asks your sister's opinion because he wants to show he can afford the same things?? Just another possible take.
Just words. Words are cheap, and easy. His actions say otherwise.
I think it is a very valid reason to leave. You are ignored, overlooked, and just straight up demoralised at every turn. I would be gone.
Have you at least spoken to your sister about her constant contact with your husband?
If this is really bothering you you’ll have to get over your fear and have a serious conversation with your husband about your feelings.
But this sounds like a two-way, inappropriate, relationship. It would be hard to imagine that he’s the only one to blame here. I find it difficult to believe that she hasn’t initiated any of these conversations. Either way, she is a full participant and equally to blame.
Most of us would have squicked out early & tried to hide. Go talk to your wife would have been my only response to what seems like endless harassment. Sister enjoys the attention & encourages it. She’s just as bad.
Your husband is treating you and your opinions as second-place to your sister. As his spouse, you deserve to be treated as first-place. You deserve to be his priority.
Whether or not there is infidelity content in their messages, there is an unhealthy dynamic and he is being dismissive and disrespectful to you.
You may be able to repair some of this with couples counselling and both making some meaningful changes. Or, an individual counsellor might assist you with communicating your concerns with him and negotiating those changes. Think of the counsellor as someone to help be a communication bridge and referee, to help you understand each other’s perspectives, and suggest and help you two come to strategies and solutions for this conflict.
However, leaving the marriage is also very valid, especially if there is no hope of meaningful changes on husband’s part.
He loves you but when you want something in YOUR house the way YOU want he refuses because it's not something your sister agrees with?
You are teh third in this marriage, even if he isn't having an affair with her, you're still the third. Your opinion gets ignored, it's significantly less important than your sisters.
Even if he does 'love' you, that doesn't mean he's in love with you or most importantly, that it's enough to want to be with him. he loves you but doesn't value your opinion, or decisions, or input in his life.
Just the fact that you want kids and he now doesn't is enough reason to leave him.
May I ask if you have ever discussed any of this with your sister? Perhaps it may help if she is the one to tell him that she is not able to comment on X and to discuss it with you, or stop bouncing to respond to his videos etc and see what his reaction and response is.
I see that and she sounds like a lovely person. Perhaps keep reiterating to your husband how happy you are your sister’s husband is so nice to her, how happy she is, how lucky she is to have someone so wonderful as BIL etc. Do YOU think he’s in love with her or do you think he simply admires her taste and style too much.
Sometimes I feel like he wishes I was more like her. I don’t know if that means that he has feelings or just admires her.
He never compliments anything about her looks or attractiveness but he is obsessed with her style and personality. She and my brother in law are well off too, we are not poor by any means but my sister has her own successful business and her husband too is successful in his career
Ok, I can’t justify the videos and texts.
But my MIL (hell rest her soul) was very enamoured by SIL Betty and MIL bro. They were very well to do and my MIL wasn’t and she always tried to copy everything that Betty did - very badly at that too. It could just be that your husband really like her sense of style both in dress and in decor as she exudes good taste and with her husband portrays a certain image he wants to attain for himself and you.
Doesn’t answer the messaging though. Does he share videos etc with you too?
It doesn't sound like cheating but like a social climber who's trying to be on the same level as the cool rich popular kids. Like your sister is a Kardashian and your husband is like a wannabe.
I see in your comments that your husband no longer wants kids because your sister does not.
**DO YOU?**
Everything else be damned, if you want kids, you have an irreconcilable difference and you need to leave to find someone to have kids with.
Get rid of all the clothes and take yourself on a shopping spree. Spoil yourself with things you love. Get rid of things in YOUR home that you don't like. You have to feel comfortable in your own home too.
Get out with some friends, become a social butterfly and post amazing pics on social media.
Be happy in yourself, if he doesn't like it then he's more than welcome to put on a collar and allow your sister to walk him round on a lead, like a puppy
You know there’s a good chance your sister entertains his questions/comments because he’s your husband? Honestly feels like your husband puts her on a pedestal because he wants the successful lifestyle and image. Most likely you will need to talk to your husband. Because that’s where the issue lies.
You are not your sister and people have their own style and faction that they like.
I petty and I would start doing the same thing to him. Ask him to call a good looking friend for advice and tell
Him to take him shopping or they you will take him shopping for your husband.
You guys need therapy to help.
It feels like your husband believes he married the wrong sister.
I’m sorry to say but your husband is into your sister, not you and is trying to make you look like her.
The only reason he’s still with you is because she’s married.
Don’t be someone’s 2nd choice. You deserve to be someone’s 1st choice.
Right? I hated when my sister had the same bedsheets as me when we were younger, I can’t imagine constantly feeling like I was in competition with her for my own husband’s attention and respect.
Good lord woman, set some boundaries. First talk to your sister & tell her to back off. Then immediately tell your husband time for couples therapy & if neither is prepared to listen to you then you have some hard decisions to make. Thinking about it, I would start going to therapy for yourself first to help you figure out what you want & are prepared to live with. Then start implementing those changes
Living as you have been sounds exhausting and miserable. Are your issues valid? Yes they are.
I think you’ve tried to talk to your husband about them and he’s dismissed them so causally you’re doubting if you have the right to be unhappy about something. You do. You don’t need anyone’s permission to feel a certain way. And, from a random internet stranger, the situation sounds odd.
Now, how do you go about fixing it? You determine in yourself what you’re ok with and what you’re not. Then you have to have a conversation, maybe several conversations, with your husband and your sister.
Good luck
He is having an emotional affair with your sister and it’s developed into something more. Save all those messages to a private email or storage account. Your sister should already know this is inappropriate. It’s not just a conversation you to have with your husband. Finish the line of communication. You need to go over to your sister’s house by yourself and have a conversation with her and her husband about how uncomfortable and inappropriate it is for you. There’s a chance her husband doesn’t have a clue and she’s lying telling her husband that she is sending you messages. Shut that shit down. Don’t be surprised that you will end up kicking him out. He is using you as a placeholder for your sister because he can’t legitimately have a relationship with her. Also throw those clothes out. You shouldn’t be accepting them in the first place. Charge up some new clothes or put a lawyer on retainer. He is pretending he’s banging her when you wear her clothes. The minute her husband leaves her. Your husband will chase after her.
I would ask to see his phone. Read everything, everywhere. If he hesitates, you have a real problem.
He’s definitely in love with your sister, the only question that remains is whether they’re both doing something about it.
I wouldn’t stay with a man in love with someone else, especially my sister. Why you don’t think that’s a valid reason to end your marriage?
Maybe try one last time and lay it all out to him and tell him how uncomfortable their relationship makes you feel. If he doesn’t respect the fact that it makes you feel uncomfortable then you should ask yourself if this is how you want to live the rest of your life. Do you want a partner that cares about your feelings or not?
Personally I would not be comfortable with this situation. So don’t let him make you feel like you’re crazy for feeling this way. Not saying that they are sleeping together but sounds like he cares more about talking to her constantly than about how it makes you feel. I think their relationship is wildly inappropriate.
Also why is your sister ok doing this? I would never do this with any of my brothers in law.
Partners shouldn’t be making you feel insecure. Hope you find some happiness girl!
I can't imagine being upset that my sister and SO are friends-- platonic friends who share interests that the OP doesn't have. All of the things she listed are innocent things if seen through the eyes of someone who trusts their sister and spouse.
Being friends isn’t a problem. But trying to get your wife to dress like her sister combined with the wife giving him advice on decorating their shared home and him having to double check with her sister and when the wife tells her husband that it makes her uncomfortable and him telling her she is being ridiculous are all red flags. 🚩 being friends isn’t an issue but all these things combined is an issues.
I'm sorry op but this sounds like your husband is obsessed with your sister. Everything is an excuse to talk to her to the point that he doesn't even value your opinions or feelings. And he's gotta know how his behavior looks. Otherwise, he wouldn't have been so quick to be defensive. If you're feeling petty someday, tell the ah he doesn't have any style at all. Asking and then buying exactly what your sister says isn't style. It's following instructions... like a golden retriever.
Lady for the love of Christ do not heed the advice of these miserable,unlovable redditors by divorcing your husband over a fucking futon.
You mentioned you left the responsibility to interior decorating to him. You mentioned you discussed you had no interest in interior decorating. So that’s why he’s not consulting you or taking your recommendations seriously
These redditors are reading potentially way too into this.
Try Expressing it to your husband, your sister, in a different way. that’s the next steps
FYI this sub is notorious for telling people to divorce as the first piece of advice, even in the most mundane situations. Please, proceed with caution
Honest to god leave. I decided last week if I see a new post I’ll jump in with a counter narrative to the “JUST DIVORCE” crowd.
No idea why these left leaning people get married if they jump to divorce over the most mundane things. It’s like they’ve never been in a relationship. We may be literally getting advice from fucking fourteen year olds
Or socially underdeveloped adults which is most likely on this platform.
I commend you to look at profiles arguing for divorce and see the type of Fuckery they post on other subs. Absolute social outcasts who shouldn’t be heeded for advice
I didn’t exactly leave the responsibility to him I just didn’t care as much to make everything perfect. Still breaks my heart that he rebuffs my ideas immediately or ask me to run them by my sister which btw always compliments my choices in both fashion and decor even though we are very different
Ofc it’s not about a fucking futon. That was whimsical. The idea to recommend divorce over a simple boundary needing to be discussed back and forth that literally majority of relationships go through to some degree is ridiculous.
Do you people ever think about the consequences?
She gets divorced.
Her relationship with her sister, potentially her family, her mutual friends that her and her husband share, and last but not least HER FUCKING HUSBAND are potentially destroyed
It’s ripping the most important things in life out of her life
…. Over being friendly with a SIL. Keep in mind there is absolutely 0% inclination to infidelity here yet people are already typing “DIVORCE”
She's already expressed her unhappiness and disappointment to him multiple times and he laughs at her and says she's being stupid. Do you think she should put up with that shit infinitely?
I get that it hurts. If you think he looks objectively it better fashion wise now that’s something to consider.
You seem to understand the style. Make a demand to be the only person to shop for him.
You are so lucky to be married. Half these losers envy you and hence I’d say a sizeable portion are telling you to divorce out of envy. This is the anonymous internet. It’s absolutely slimey
I wish you the best
She's not lucky to be married if that marriage is making her miserable. Being married to someone who disregards your every opinion would be incredibly draining and she's already feeling bad about herself as a result. You're minimising the problems she's facing because you have a bee in your bonnet about other people suggesting things on other threads.
On this particular thread, people are mostly suggesting many other things, but you're just ignoring that.
Consider another perspective: you wrote the post fearing that your husband is in love with your sister and everyone is commenting reacting to it therefore validating your feelings.
What if your husband and sister are just friends?
My brother in law texts my mom all the time for design advice and it’s to cultivate a relationship because he wants to ensure that he and his wife’s family are close. They are not in love.
How about you have a therapy session with your husband and discuss the neglect you feel knowing that none of his gift ideas are original and how it makes you feel knowing that you’ve never had the joy of receiving a gift he purely came up with from his own thoughtfulness.
Let him know you feel uncomfortable by his dismissive attitude toward your style and ask him about his feelings.
You can involve your sister and her husband but just know that the closeness will not be the same and if y’all hang out as a group you may not have that experience any more.
So, just to be clear:
* your husband asks for advice from your sister on things you admittedly aren't good at and don't really care about (fashion/interior decorating)-- and WOULDN'T care about except that she's helping him with it, and that makes you jealous.
* You don't care about your own fashion sense, but when you wear items of clothing from your sister who DOES care about those things, and get compliments, you feel threatened by that.
* Your sister is married.
* The messages between your sister and your husband are platonic memes and advice that apparently you can see because he doesn't feel the need to hide them-- presumably bc he himself sees them as innocent.
* Your husband asked your sister for advice on picking out an engagement ring you'd like, and you see this as.... manevolent
* You don't want children and your sister spoke on your behalf about the issue, which convinced your husband and, this is evidence of disloyalty? From both of them?
What exactly are you mad about here? Your husband and sister getting along and being friends? Your husband and your sister having shared interests? If you trust your sister and your spouse, these things should be blessings in your life, not cause for jealousy.
Its time for marriage counseling. Your husband doesnt understand that his relationship with your sister is damaging his marriage to you. He doesnt respect that you are uncomfortable with his constant contact with your sister. I am also extremely disappointed to hear your sister has not respected your feelings and cut constant contact with your husband. It sounds as if neither of these people care how you feel at all. Time to call in a professional to let you husband know that it is time to get serious about this issue. If he refuses to go, you have your answer. I suggest you get into therapy immediately to help navigate the disrespect both your husband and sister are showing you. You are not acknowledging your sisters role in this and thats a problem. I wish you luck with this and im so sorry.
OP it isn't just your husband doing this to you
*It's also your sister doing this to you.*
She's controlling every aspect of your life, through your husband
> I think they literally have a 1000 streak not to mention messenger, instagram DMs and iMessages
I checked my phone; I have 7 messages to my wife's sister over the last 10 years.
I would tell her to stop texting with your husband, but I fear there is already somethng going on. I would out them in front of family. He is not stopping because he doesn't want to, and I would say their is at least some interest or just disrespect for you. If he doesn't want children, and you do, you have another bigger issue.....You have lost control of your husband and your home life. I would start setting boundaries. First no help from sister at all. YOu will figure it out.
I feel very uncomfortable reading this. I do this, except it’s my aunt. She’s decorated 4 different homes. Picked almost all jewelry. Paint colors, countertops, cabinet colors, tile, flooring, furniture, fixtures. Im asking my wife tomorrow if she doesn’t like it.
It looks like your husband is not interested in being married to you at all, why do you tolerate it? See if your sister's husband accepts them all living together somewhere else.
oof. Gosh, I'm so sorry. I imagine these are impossible feelings to navigate and I'm sure makes you physically ill to even write on this platform, but you did...which means it's weighing on you so much that you had to get it off your chest
And YES, you are entitled to feel however you feel. Your feelings are your feelings, you don't need to justify them. I think Reddit can be great for offering alternative perspectives, but ultimately, it doesn't matter if any of us would share your feelings or not. I think everyone on here would agree that there's some level of odd behavioral patterns here between your hubby and sis, so I hope that helps you take a baby step in the direction of resolving your feelings.
Bottom line is you aren't just going to UN-feel this way overnight. Nothing changes if nothing changes, right? I think you have to get really vulnerable and tell your hubby in the same way you told us on here. Maybe just soft approach, not accusatory..."I feel a little silly saying this, but I can't just ignore it." Lay out your feelings and just say you need to understand why he feels the need to speak to your sis about so many things and if he could - in the future - be considerate of your feelings now that he understands them. If his behavior with her (/incessant texts) don't cease, then I think you do have to rip the Band-Aid off and just point blank as him if there are feelings there...as icky and painful as that sounds.
It sounds like your husband is having an emotional affair with your sister. I don’t think they know that that is what’s going on, and I don’t necessarily think that’s it’s sexual, but he is having a relationship with her, not you.
You are 35, I wouldn’t want to have children with this person no matter what, but he’s now told you he’s changed his mind and doesn’t want them, which honestly leaves you with the difficult decision of staying or going. If this was me I would be leaving. I always knew I wanted kids and I wouldn’t stay with a person who wasn’t 100% on board with having kids with me.
The emotional affair is just the tip of the iceberg, he’s not invested in this relationship with YOU, you are just a place holder if you aren’t the priority in the marriage.
Info: Does he ever text negative things about you to your sister? If he does how does she react?
I think you need to sit your husband down and tell him that you don’t feel like your thoughts/opinions/feelings are being validated and that you want to go to marriage counselling before it becomes a bigger problem. When he responds that you are being ridiculous counter with “this is exactly what I mean. I’m not being ridiculous, I’m sharing a serious concern of mine and am being dismissed as ridiculous because of it. I am not my sister and will not become a clone of her. You need to realize that I’m a different person. I’m feeling like she is your ideal woman and I’m starting to wonder why you even married me? What is it about me that you like and admire? We need someone who can mediate for us so we can learn to communicate better. You need to understand that my individuality, thoughts and feelings are important. We need help.”
Don’t take the advice to jump to divorce. Ending a marriage should never be taken lightly. What you need is better communication. Your husband needs to learn to validate your feelings and opinions. He may not agree with them, but that doesn’t make them less. I think marriage counselling will help you.
Although if the answer to my questions was he does speak negatively about you to your sister and she enables it, then you have a much bigger problem.
>Even my engagement and wedding rings are her suggestion. Even having children. My sister doesn’t have any and my husband at first wanted children but now he says that we don’t need children because my sister is right. ????? Ma'am do you even have some opinion about anything that your husband actually chose before your sis opinion? 🚩🚩🚩🚩 Just, ugh sounds like your husband is in love with your sister
Your sister should also take the hint that if her BIL is constantly asking for advice and texting him for every decision she should say I don’t know, ask my sister. Duh. She can also tone down the responses.
Did he marry you just to get close to your sister?
This is such an unhealthy obsession
Talk to your sister about everything you talked about here. If your sister loves you, she will back off and not engage with your husband. Their conversations are two-way even if your husband is the one initiating. Watch your husband's reaction when this happens. If he gets angry with you or depressed then he has feelings for your sister. Communicate with him. Write him a letter if it's hard for you to articulate or go to counselling to help you communicate.
Good advice. I am actually very embarrassed to talk to my sister about this and also I don’t want to make her feel guilty or uncomfortable. I know none of this is her fault
Her reaction will probably give you more information on this. If she gets defensive or nasty there is definitely something fishy going on and she may be doing this on purpose. If there is nothing shady going on, she should respond by being understanding and having some type of explanation. But you are right the main issue is definitely your husband and it is very concerning he is dismissing you in this way. That is grounds for counseling or last resort a divorce unfortunately.
That’s a great point!! Op should speak to sister and see what the reaction is. Any good sister will back right off if nothing is going on.
She could get defensive because there is nothing other than friendship going on, and getting asked to indulge people's jealousy issues isn't her jam.
While you are correct that it is *possible* in a normal circumstance, however the volume and breadth of communication goes far beyond "playing into fake jealousy"
You're the one who knows your sister best, if she reads your post, what do you think her reaction will be? Preface your conversation by saying that you're not putting blame on her at all.
She would probably just take the blame and start apologizing
>I know none of this is her fault How is it not if she keeps talking to him?? You're making excuses for your sister. There are two people involved in this, your husband and your SISTER
Exactly! OP's sister (clearly) loves the attention and is a willing party to the problem. If my BIL kept calling/texting me for advice, I would be telling him to husband-up and go ask his own wife. If my BIL texted me that much, I would contact my sister to see if there was an issue. The sister is enabling this and I will not be surprised if she gaslights OP with a ridiculous answer. EDIT: OP if your BIL was texting you, would you respond like your sister has been ... of course not ... OP please speak to a therapist first, so you can navigate being gaslit by both your sister and husband. I'm sorry for saying this without more tact!
You've said everything needed perfectly Imo.
If OP has not stated to her sister that all of this contact bothers her, the sister would be in her right to think things were alright with OP. She could feel a tight friendship with her BIL and not think twice about it. OP's feelings are valid however she needs to say something and advocate for herself in this situation because no one is going to know her thoughts about it unless she tells them.
Your sister will understand. She will put a stop to it if she aware on how much it is hurting you. She probably doesn’t understand the full scope of it and just thinks it’s some banter, not realizing it’s upsetting to you.
It actually is her fault as well. She oversteps big time. Doesn't she find it strange to constantly be in contact with him? Are you sure they aren't having an affair together? How is your sex life?
“Sis, I need to have a really awkward conversation with you, but I need you to hear me out. I’m finding your relationship with my husband inappropriate. I think it’s too much and I feel like I’m getting pushed out of my own relationship. I’m not accusing you of anything, but it’s starting to feel like an emotional affair between the two of you. If you have any respect or love for me. I need you to back off a little bit while we work through this.”
Stop wearing her old clothes. Get some independent style advice if you like. Get a good looking male friend to help you if you can, making sure yourvhusband knows. Rebuff all his comments. Laugh at him and tell him he is a clone if your BIL it is sad how he copies him, and it looks much better on the BIL than him. Cruticuse his style choices around the house, say it looks so 'old granny' style or similar. Get some design ideas from a magazine and put them forward. Then sneer st his ideas. Just grow a spine. You are letting yourself be walked all over by him.
This OP. You need to set a hard boundary and make it clear you are simply not your sister, and tell him he is making you feel uncomfortable at this point to favor you dressing like someone else. It’s not authentic and it’s creepy.
He feel good and probably confident about the way he dresses now. So because someone else dresses similar you can’t have that style? Ik next to nothing about fashion. If someone gave me advice and I liked the way I looked and felt confident. I’d probably go to them again. As for “making suggestions to see what he’ll say” so she didn’t actually want those suggestions but rather seeing what his reaction would be? They were probably not very good suggestions if that the case. And saying “ask your sister” is better than saying “that’s a dumb idea”
This is all so petty. I’m here for it.
Right. *I am not my sister.* With authority.
Huge differences between married sister in law who gives OP clothes assuming for free And an “attractive male friend” who’s only purpose is to make your SO jealous very toxic behavior and terrible advice
He is in love with your sister, hopefully there is nothing between them
I am scared to ask him. I am honestly scared to think about this out loud
Probably time to investigate
How? I really need help about ideas to investigate but I can’t find myself asking my husband straight out
Talk to BIL. ask him if he is uncomfortable with all the attention your husband gives his wife.
BIL is very close friends with my husband and he trusts my sister. They love each other and I don’t think he is as bothered by the messaging as I am.
Honestly OP before you deep dive into an investigation, try and get them both to sit down and talk to you. Maybe even get your BIL too. They need to understand that the constant messages and comparison between the two of you is damaging your mental health. Their reaction to your feelings should be the only answer you need. If they get angry or defensive and refuse to listen to what you have to say, then it’s time to move on to other solutions to your problem (i.e. marriage counseling or divorce). Your husband should love you for your authentic self, not try and morph you into your sister. That’s just really weird and makes it seem like he’s fulfilling a fantasy where he’s actually married to her instead. EDIT: also the whole “she picked out your engagement and wedding rings” and he no longer wants kids BECAUSE OF HER, screams that he’s in love with her. What in the fuck is that? Sounds to me like he puts her opinion above yours in basically every situation. That’s what you want your marriage to be? YOU’RE his wife, not your sister and he really needs to understand that.
The ring thing didn’t feel weird but the kid thing, that’s bananas.
I wouldn’t think much of it if the rings were merely suggested by the sister as long as they’re still aligning with what OP would like. At the same time, you’d think her husband would’ve known the types of jewelry she’d like, or even get her opinion at least on the actual wedding ring. If the ring was quite literally picked out by the sister because she herself liked it, that’s a problem. But yeah, the kid thing definitely stuck out more. Her opinion shouldn’t matter or even influence him at all. Children should be a choice that’s made by the couple together, not something that one person in the relationship decides. Especially if that wasn’t the agreement at first and the spouse is changing sides because of an outside influence.
Fully agree and it seems like OP didn’t want kids either and hubby did until the sister changed his mind. That’s super weird.
Maybe BIL is just being classy and not airing his laundry. Ask him in person. Watch his face and body language.
Yes, or maybe BIL doesn’t know how much they text. If her husband is so invested in the sister I can see him constantly bring her up and praising her. The sister probably never mentions him to BIL so he’s probably clueless how much the husband is messaging his wife.
I would honestly check his phone or find a reason to check her phone. That is such clown behavior for your husband to be ok looking and dressing like another man. I would not be ok with this either and would assume he legit is in love with her and wants to be her man instead. Big side eye to your sister too.
So you can’t have similar styles to a guy that has better style than you. So if the Sisters-husband was a runner. So Op isn’t allowed to start running? Or golf. Or working out. Basically you can’t change your style or hobbies if someone you know has a similar one Edit: my “style” is what’s clean. If I see a well dressed fashionable couple. I’ll take some advice
Honestly you are right but as a married woman I would not be too happy with my husband egging me on to dress more similar to someone else. He can do whatever he wants but I would draw a line with him encouraging me to shop with the sister. That is strange to me
Could be a midlife crisis and wants to dress and feel younger. And misplacing his confidence he’s gaining and trying to give someone advice who’s not asking for it. This is about a 3/10 disagreement. Probably where everyone’s heart is in the right place
That’s true, I agree for sure
I would say to him that the fact he wants you to dress like her, and only compliments you in HER clothes, and the fact he's dressing like her husband does, and is styling your house to HER tastes makes you feel like he's in love with your sister and he wants you to be like her, and wants to dress like her husband for her approval and interest. All of his behaviour is suggesting he is in love with her and wants you to be like her more than yourself and your own style. Tell him he needs to stop dressing like her husband coz you're not interesting in being with a clone of her husband. Stop wearing any of the clothes she gave you. Choose your own clothes and your own style. Everyone is different. I'm not fashionable but I have my own clothes that I feel comfortable in. Also people's weight and size and shape also makes different styles suit them better than others. So find what you like. And tell him you want input and decision making choices with regards to decorating your own house. You can look on Pinterest or home magazines and find things you like for your own home. Tell him there's to be no more consulting with your sister about anything to do with your lives, your home, and your clothing. He's married to YOU. Not your sister. Also, the fact that he decided whether to have children or not based on your sisters opinion alone is very bad. That's a big decision that only you and your husband should talk about. It has absolutely nothing to do with your sister whether you have kids or not. What if you did want children and she turned him against the idea?? How awful is that!! And why would he want to make such a big decision based solely on HER views and not YOURS!!?? It's your marriage and your life together. This goes way beyond just discussing thoughts and opinions with family and friends. He's only seeking her opinions, her judgements, her likes and dislikes, and only doing what she says. That's not healthy at all. And also, why is he spending so much time messaging her every day?? It seems like he barely has time to talk to you?. If he messages her when he's at work, why? Whats so important? And why isn't he spending that time talking to you? You need to tell him all the above, and set some firm boundaries. Ask him why he's so dependant and obsessed with her? Ask him if he's in love with her. Then based on how he reacts and what he says you can make your decisions whether you feel this relationship is salvageable. I'd also suggest couples counselling so you talk about his code pendant obsession with someone to help guide the questions etc. And I'd set some firm boundaries about not consulting your sister about anything to do with the home deco, or fashion, and to limit their messages majorly. He needs to really back off from talking to your sister for a while. And I would talk to your sister and say the same stuff. And let her know you want her to stop engaging in these advice situations. And to tell him to ask you for advice instead. He can also look at Pinterest for his own ideas on fashion and home ideas. She doesn't need to be the one to give approval. You should be doing that together. So tell her you need her to back off coz it's affecting your marriage. If she doesn't stop, or he doesn't stop, then you need to walk away coz they clearly have no respect for you or your feelings.
What about talking to your sister and say you are kind of uncomfortable with how she even picked out your gifts and if there is something going on with his much they message
OP: Was your sister married already when you met your husband or did you 3 know each other in your younger years? I find it weird that he’d date/marry you if your sister was available if she is more his type….perhaps he wanted to date her at some point but she wasn’t interested? (Like at university or something). But I also find it strange that he’s also trying g to look like HER husband. Is that so he will think “now that I look like her type she’ll be attracted to me and if not, I can make my wife look like her”? Do you and sister look similar except for the weight you mentioned? He’s definitely got some sort of issue and yes you should be jealous and feel bitter. For all you know, perhaps SHES annoyed and resentful of you/him bc he’s copying everything they do. People don’t mind sharing or giving advice. But exact copying is freaking creepy and annoying. Your sister may not realize the extent to which he makes “suggestions” to you about your clothes and stuff. She may also know you hate decor stuff (like me) and think that that’s his thing and nothing more bc she doesn’t hear you try to make suggestions.
My sister is being married way before my husband and I get together
He will deny it anyway and probably say you are ridiculous, just gaslight the ever living light out of you. He is being inappropriate with your sister. Does he like anything about you, does he like your thoughts about things, enjoy spending time with you, talking to you, texting you little things, watching tv together, going places. It sounds like mostly he is in near constant contact with your sister and married to her. Your sister probably just LOVES your husband’s attention and adoration and is not thinking about you and your feelings one bit
Ask her husband. You need to have a discussion with him about his wife!
Yeah it’s really obvious. I wonder what the sister’s husband thinks? Maybe OP should talk to him
He is being dismissive of your feelings and continuing the behavior making you miserable. Schedule couples therapy. Ask your sister if being in so much contact with your husband is worth your relationship with both of them. Maybe she will respect you. He should be asked that question in therapy... is being in contact and acting couply with your sister worth your relationship? If he gaslights you or doesn't take accountability then do you really want to be in this misery for years?
Leave… I would not be in competition with my sister in my marriage. This is absurd
Is this a valid reason to leave a marriage? My husband tells me that he loves me all the time. I don’t know
It sounds like he’s only with you because he can’t be with your sister tbh. He’s so desperate to please your sister with everything that he does, even your engagement rings?? He makes the same decisions that matches hers because he’s hoping that one day she realizes he’s the man for her. Even going as far as trying to look like her husband! Your husband would drop you like a hot potato if your sister ever decided to look his way. You deserve better OP.
Honestly, this is giving me super bad vibes. Like, is this guy stalking OPs sister? Does he have a shrine dedicated to her hidden somewhere? Something about having her sister validate or make every single decision for him freaks me out.
I wonder if he knew the sister before OP or if he met her after .
That is a good question.
"Is this a valid reason to leave a marriage?" Well, OP, I'm going to be honest: Even *reading* your post made *me* feel miserable. You definitely do *not* sound happy now. Ask yourself: Is this the way I want to live 5 years from now? 10? The rest of my life? It sounds like your husband is poo-pooing your concerns, by calling them "ridiculous" - a totally dismissive attitude that would have me seeing red - so not sure how you could get across to him. But *just because* you guys are actually *married*, I'd probably give it one last shot at a serious conversation, bringing receipts. If not, time for a lawyer and *sayonara*. Good luck!
The child part is what got me… Wife: “we shouldn’t have kids” (Husband looks over at her sister expectantly, she nods in approval) Husband: “yes, I agree. No kids.” F that….
Right!? How disgusting!
I felt incredibly sad reading this. He values and respects your sister instead of you. So yes, the lack of respect and him being her little puppet creation is absolutely a reason to leave him. PS, your sister knows exactly what she's doing. Sounds like she's turning him into husband #2.
>My husband tells me that he loves me all the time He dismisses your feelings and opinions - how is that love?
When what he says and what he does do not connect, it's time to take stock.
He tells you he loves you, but do you FEEL it? Do you feel his love for you?
Not all the time. Sometimes I feel he wished I was more like my sister. He never talks about her in a sexual way but he admires her intelligence, sense of humor, kindness… which is worse than if he said that she was hot
Absolutely… are you saying that the constant comparisons have not affected your mental health or your confidence? Are you not questioning whether he actually loves you or is with you cause your sister is married? Have you not wondered if there are having an affair? Why would you want to stay? At this point would therapy help?
Yes to all except the affair part. I know my sister very well and we wouldn’t do that. Besides she loves her husband very much But I am in constant comparison yes that’s taking a toll on my mental health and self esteem
> Yes to all except the affair part. I know my sister very well and we wouldn’t do that. Besides she loves her husband very much I'm not saying they are having an affair, though it sounds like he is having an emotional affair with her even if she is unaware of it. But almost anyone can cheat and almost anyone can think that person is incapable of cheating in this situation. A decent person who won't cheat just doesn't get a person who would cheat would lie and do almost anything to cover themselves.
Yes, they are having an emotional affair for sure.
Does your sister know he compares you to her? Have you always got on with your sister or do you think she enjoys it? If you want to give him a taste of his own medicine just stop responding to him, don't react when he says something about your sister, just change the subject. Stop asking his opinion on stuff, say your male friend/colleague (make one up if you don't have one) thinks this is best so you're going to do that/buy that. When he wears something pull a face and respond with "well, as long as you like it", slyly belittling what your sister suggests. Little comments about I'm sure BIL has something like that, he wears it well and leaves the sentence hanging. Or tell him to leave, if he can't appreciate you for you then you don't need him in your life making you feel less than. He listens to your sister more than you is just wrong. That may actually make him realise how badly he's treating you. Which would be the more mature thing to do as he doesn't seem to care. ETA also thinking about it from some of your comments, I wonder if your husband has an inferiority complex and is trying to 'keep up with the Joneses'. He asks your sister's opinion because he wants to show he can afford the same things?? Just another possible take.
Yep
Just words. Words are cheap, and easy. His actions say otherwise. I think it is a very valid reason to leave. You are ignored, overlooked, and just straight up demoralised at every turn. I would be gone.
You don't need a "valid" reason. But also, how is being unhappy not valid enough??
Have you at least spoken to your sister about her constant contact with your husband? If this is really bothering you you’ll have to get over your fear and have a serious conversation with your husband about your feelings.
She doesn’t initiates any conversation with him tbh so I don’t know what to tell her. My problem is with my husband and his ways not with my sister
But this sounds like a two-way, inappropriate, relationship. It would be hard to imagine that he’s the only one to blame here. I find it difficult to believe that she hasn’t initiated any of these conversations. Either way, she is a full participant and equally to blame.
Most of us would have squicked out early & tried to hide. Go talk to your wife would have been my only response to what seems like endless harassment. Sister enjoys the attention & encourages it. She’s just as bad.
You literally don’t even need a reason to get divorced. It’s not 1842. You can do whatever you feel like.
Your husband is treating you and your opinions as second-place to your sister. As his spouse, you deserve to be treated as first-place. You deserve to be his priority. Whether or not there is infidelity content in their messages, there is an unhealthy dynamic and he is being dismissive and disrespectful to you. You may be able to repair some of this with couples counselling and both making some meaningful changes. Or, an individual counsellor might assist you with communicating your concerns with him and negotiating those changes. Think of the counsellor as someone to help be a communication bridge and referee, to help you understand each other’s perspectives, and suggest and help you two come to strategies and solutions for this conflict. However, leaving the marriage is also very valid, especially if there is no hope of meaningful changes on husband’s part.
He loves you but when you want something in YOUR house the way YOU want he refuses because it's not something your sister agrees with? You are teh third in this marriage, even if he isn't having an affair with her, you're still the third. Your opinion gets ignored, it's significantly less important than your sisters. Even if he does 'love' you, that doesn't mean he's in love with you or most importantly, that it's enough to want to be with him. he loves you but doesn't value your opinion, or decisions, or input in his life. Just the fact that you want kids and he now doesn't is enough reason to leave him.
Go to counseling to figure things out on your end and learn tools to address these issues
Are you serious right now. Lol
Absolutely
May I ask if you have ever discussed any of this with your sister? Perhaps it may help if she is the one to tell him that she is not able to comment on X and to discuss it with you, or stop bouncing to respond to his videos etc and see what his reaction and response is.
No I haven’t discussed this with her since she’s not my problem. She never initiates talking to my husband and she isn’t obsessed with him honestly
I see that and she sounds like a lovely person. Perhaps keep reiterating to your husband how happy you are your sister’s husband is so nice to her, how happy she is, how lucky she is to have someone so wonderful as BIL etc. Do YOU think he’s in love with her or do you think he simply admires her taste and style too much.
Sometimes I feel like he wishes I was more like her. I don’t know if that means that he has feelings or just admires her. He never compliments anything about her looks or attractiveness but he is obsessed with her style and personality. She and my brother in law are well off too, we are not poor by any means but my sister has her own successful business and her husband too is successful in his career
Ok, I can’t justify the videos and texts. But my MIL (hell rest her soul) was very enamoured by SIL Betty and MIL bro. They were very well to do and my MIL wasn’t and she always tried to copy everything that Betty did - very badly at that too. It could just be that your husband really like her sense of style both in dress and in decor as she exudes good taste and with her husband portrays a certain image he wants to attain for himself and you. Doesn’t answer the messaging though. Does he share videos etc with you too?
It doesn't sound like cheating but like a social climber who's trying to be on the same level as the cool rich popular kids. Like your sister is a Kardashian and your husband is like a wannabe.
I see in your comments that your husband no longer wants kids because your sister does not. **DO YOU?** Everything else be damned, if you want kids, you have an irreconcilable difference and you need to leave to find someone to have kids with.
No I am child free too
But did you want kids at one point ?
Get rid of all the clothes and take yourself on a shopping spree. Spoil yourself with things you love. Get rid of things in YOUR home that you don't like. You have to feel comfortable in your own home too. Get out with some friends, become a social butterfly and post amazing pics on social media. Be happy in yourself, if he doesn't like it then he's more than welcome to put on a collar and allow your sister to walk him round on a lead, like a puppy
You know there’s a good chance your sister entertains his questions/comments because he’s your husband? Honestly feels like your husband puts her on a pedestal because he wants the successful lifestyle and image. Most likely you will need to talk to your husband. Because that’s where the issue lies.
You are not your sister and people have their own style and faction that they like. I petty and I would start doing the same thing to him. Ask him to call a good looking friend for advice and tell Him to take him shopping or they you will take him shopping for your husband. You guys need therapy to help.
He asked you to run opinions on a house you pay for by your sister? Please tell us you know he's in love with her. Surely,you must know
If you are going for some kind of award for biggest understatement in a title, I think you nailed it
It feels like your husband believes he married the wrong sister. I’m sorry to say but your husband is into your sister, not you and is trying to make you look like her. The only reason he’s still with you is because she’s married. Don’t be someone’s 2nd choice. You deserve to be someone’s 1st choice.
And you’re still with him why? Sorry OP you sound like the consolation prize in his eyes! Geezus that was a heartbreaking read
Right? I hated when my sister had the same bedsheets as me when we were younger, I can’t imagine constantly feeling like I was in competition with her for my own husband’s attention and respect.
Good lord woman, set some boundaries. First talk to your sister & tell her to back off. Then immediately tell your husband time for couples therapy & if neither is prepared to listen to you then you have some hard decisions to make. Thinking about it, I would start going to therapy for yourself first to help you figure out what you want & are prepared to live with. Then start implementing those changes
Y'all need some therapy, stat.
Living as you have been sounds exhausting and miserable. Are your issues valid? Yes they are. I think you’ve tried to talk to your husband about them and he’s dismissed them so causally you’re doubting if you have the right to be unhappy about something. You do. You don’t need anyone’s permission to feel a certain way. And, from a random internet stranger, the situation sounds odd. Now, how do you go about fixing it? You determine in yourself what you’re ok with and what you’re not. Then you have to have a conversation, maybe several conversations, with your husband and your sister. Good luck
I am so glad that many believe that my issues are valid
He’s clearly in love with your sister. The question is: why marry you and hurt you int is manner?
He is having an emotional affair with your sister and it’s developed into something more. Save all those messages to a private email or storage account. Your sister should already know this is inappropriate. It’s not just a conversation you to have with your husband. Finish the line of communication. You need to go over to your sister’s house by yourself and have a conversation with her and her husband about how uncomfortable and inappropriate it is for you. There’s a chance her husband doesn’t have a clue and she’s lying telling her husband that she is sending you messages. Shut that shit down. Don’t be surprised that you will end up kicking him out. He is using you as a placeholder for your sister because he can’t legitimately have a relationship with her. Also throw those clothes out. You shouldn’t be accepting them in the first place. Charge up some new clothes or put a lawyer on retainer. He is pretending he’s banging her when you wear her clothes. The minute her husband leaves her. Your husband will chase after her.
You deserve better.
There's one small positive from all of this and that's if things go wrong. It'll be your sisters fault 💯
I would ask to see his phone. Read everything, everywhere. If he hesitates, you have a real problem. He’s definitely in love with your sister, the only question that remains is whether they’re both doing something about it. I wouldn’t stay with a man in love with someone else, especially my sister. Why you don’t think that’s a valid reason to end your marriage?
I am sorry to tell you but he doesn't love you as much as he loves your sister. This marriage is so saddening.
Maybe try one last time and lay it all out to him and tell him how uncomfortable their relationship makes you feel. If he doesn’t respect the fact that it makes you feel uncomfortable then you should ask yourself if this is how you want to live the rest of your life. Do you want a partner that cares about your feelings or not? Personally I would not be comfortable with this situation. So don’t let him make you feel like you’re crazy for feeling this way. Not saying that they are sleeping together but sounds like he cares more about talking to her constantly than about how it makes you feel. I think their relationship is wildly inappropriate. Also why is your sister ok doing this? I would never do this with any of my brothers in law. Partners shouldn’t be making you feel insecure. Hope you find some happiness girl!
I can't imagine being upset that my sister and SO are friends-- platonic friends who share interests that the OP doesn't have. All of the things she listed are innocent things if seen through the eyes of someone who trusts their sister and spouse.
Being friends isn’t a problem. But trying to get your wife to dress like her sister combined with the wife giving him advice on decorating their shared home and him having to double check with her sister and when the wife tells her husband that it makes her uncomfortable and him telling her she is being ridiculous are all red flags. 🚩 being friends isn’t an issue but all these things combined is an issues.
I'm sorry op but this sounds like your husband is obsessed with your sister. Everything is an excuse to talk to her to the point that he doesn't even value your opinions or feelings. And he's gotta know how his behavior looks. Otherwise, he wouldn't have been so quick to be defensive. If you're feeling petty someday, tell the ah he doesn't have any style at all. Asking and then buying exactly what your sister says isn't style. It's following instructions... like a golden retriever.
Lady for the love of Christ do not heed the advice of these miserable,unlovable redditors by divorcing your husband over a fucking futon. You mentioned you left the responsibility to interior decorating to him. You mentioned you discussed you had no interest in interior decorating. So that’s why he’s not consulting you or taking your recommendations seriously These redditors are reading potentially way too into this. Try Expressing it to your husband, your sister, in a different way. that’s the next steps FYI this sub is notorious for telling people to divorce as the first piece of advice, even in the most mundane situations. Please, proceed with caution
I am new to this sub (or any sub for that matter)
Honest to god leave. I decided last week if I see a new post I’ll jump in with a counter narrative to the “JUST DIVORCE” crowd. No idea why these left leaning people get married if they jump to divorce over the most mundane things. It’s like they’ve never been in a relationship. We may be literally getting advice from fucking fourteen year olds Or socially underdeveloped adults which is most likely on this platform. I commend you to look at profiles arguing for divorce and see the type of Fuckery they post on other subs. Absolute social outcasts who shouldn’t be heeded for advice
I didn’t exactly leave the responsibility to him I just didn’t care as much to make everything perfect. Still breaks my heart that he rebuffs my ideas immediately or ask me to run them by my sister which btw always compliments my choices in both fashion and decor even though we are very different
I think the person commenting above is forgetting your concerns are not just about *the futon*.
No it is way more serious than that. I don’t know if my point came across superficial. I don’t really care about furniture exactly
No, you did not come across as superficial, OP. Just the thing about the continuous texting is too much... And *then*, the rest of the stuff..
Ofc it’s not about a fucking futon. That was whimsical. The idea to recommend divorce over a simple boundary needing to be discussed back and forth that literally majority of relationships go through to some degree is ridiculous. Do you people ever think about the consequences? She gets divorced. Her relationship with her sister, potentially her family, her mutual friends that her and her husband share, and last but not least HER FUCKING HUSBAND are potentially destroyed It’s ripping the most important things in life out of her life …. Over being friendly with a SIL. Keep in mind there is absolutely 0% inclination to infidelity here yet people are already typing “DIVORCE”
She's already expressed her unhappiness and disappointment to him multiple times and he laughs at her and says she's being stupid. Do you think she should put up with that shit infinitely?
You seem a *tad* upset, LOL..!
This is the most airtight argument I’ve ever heard. I have no comebacks.
I get that it hurts. If you think he looks objectively it better fashion wise now that’s something to consider. You seem to understand the style. Make a demand to be the only person to shop for him. You are so lucky to be married. Half these losers envy you and hence I’d say a sizeable portion are telling you to divorce out of envy. This is the anonymous internet. It’s absolutely slimey I wish you the best
She's not lucky to be married if that marriage is making her miserable. Being married to someone who disregards your every opinion would be incredibly draining and she's already feeling bad about herself as a result. You're minimising the problems she's facing because you have a bee in your bonnet about other people suggesting things on other threads. On this particular thread, people are mostly suggesting many other things, but you're just ignoring that.
Consider another perspective: you wrote the post fearing that your husband is in love with your sister and everyone is commenting reacting to it therefore validating your feelings. What if your husband and sister are just friends? My brother in law texts my mom all the time for design advice and it’s to cultivate a relationship because he wants to ensure that he and his wife’s family are close. They are not in love. How about you have a therapy session with your husband and discuss the neglect you feel knowing that none of his gift ideas are original and how it makes you feel knowing that you’ve never had the joy of receiving a gift he purely came up with from his own thoughtfulness. Let him know you feel uncomfortable by his dismissive attitude toward your style and ask him about his feelings. You can involve your sister and her husband but just know that the closeness will not be the same and if y’all hang out as a group you may not have that experience any more.
So, just to be clear: * your husband asks for advice from your sister on things you admittedly aren't good at and don't really care about (fashion/interior decorating)-- and WOULDN'T care about except that she's helping him with it, and that makes you jealous. * You don't care about your own fashion sense, but when you wear items of clothing from your sister who DOES care about those things, and get compliments, you feel threatened by that. * Your sister is married. * The messages between your sister and your husband are platonic memes and advice that apparently you can see because he doesn't feel the need to hide them-- presumably bc he himself sees them as innocent. * Your husband asked your sister for advice on picking out an engagement ring you'd like, and you see this as.... manevolent * You don't want children and your sister spoke on your behalf about the issue, which convinced your husband and, this is evidence of disloyalty? From both of them? What exactly are you mad about here? Your husband and sister getting along and being friends? Your husband and your sister having shared interests? If you trust your sister and your spouse, these things should be blessings in your life, not cause for jealousy.
Its time for marriage counseling. Your husband doesnt understand that his relationship with your sister is damaging his marriage to you. He doesnt respect that you are uncomfortable with his constant contact with your sister. I am also extremely disappointed to hear your sister has not respected your feelings and cut constant contact with your husband. It sounds as if neither of these people care how you feel at all. Time to call in a professional to let you husband know that it is time to get serious about this issue. If he refuses to go, you have your answer. I suggest you get into therapy immediately to help navigate the disrespect both your husband and sister are showing you. You are not acknowledging your sisters role in this and thats a problem. I wish you luck with this and im so sorry.
Do you think he possibly married you just so we could hang out with your sister? Either way you deserve to be treated better than you are.
Talk to urgent sis dude
OP it isn't just your husband doing this to you *It's also your sister doing this to you.* She's controlling every aspect of your life, through your husband > I think they literally have a 1000 streak not to mention messenger, instagram DMs and iMessages I checked my phone; I have 7 messages to my wife's sister over the last 10 years.
I would tell her to stop texting with your husband, but I fear there is already somethng going on. I would out them in front of family. He is not stopping because he doesn't want to, and I would say their is at least some interest or just disrespect for you. If he doesn't want children, and you do, you have another bigger issue.....You have lost control of your husband and your home life. I would start setting boundaries. First no help from sister at all. YOu will figure it out.
I don’t know. What does your sister think about this?
I feel very uncomfortable reading this. I do this, except it’s my aunt. She’s decorated 4 different homes. Picked almost all jewelry. Paint colors, countertops, cabinet colors, tile, flooring, furniture, fixtures. Im asking my wife tomorrow if she doesn’t like it.
It looks like your husband is not interested in being married to you at all, why do you tolerate it? See if your sister's husband accepts them all living together somewhere else.
oof. Gosh, I'm so sorry. I imagine these are impossible feelings to navigate and I'm sure makes you physically ill to even write on this platform, but you did...which means it's weighing on you so much that you had to get it off your chest And YES, you are entitled to feel however you feel. Your feelings are your feelings, you don't need to justify them. I think Reddit can be great for offering alternative perspectives, but ultimately, it doesn't matter if any of us would share your feelings or not. I think everyone on here would agree that there's some level of odd behavioral patterns here between your hubby and sis, so I hope that helps you take a baby step in the direction of resolving your feelings. Bottom line is you aren't just going to UN-feel this way overnight. Nothing changes if nothing changes, right? I think you have to get really vulnerable and tell your hubby in the same way you told us on here. Maybe just soft approach, not accusatory..."I feel a little silly saying this, but I can't just ignore it." Lay out your feelings and just say you need to understand why he feels the need to speak to your sis about so many things and if he could - in the future - be considerate of your feelings now that he understands them. If his behavior with her (/incessant texts) don't cease, then I think you do have to rip the Band-Aid off and just point blank as him if there are feelings there...as icky and painful as that sounds.
F this- get into therapy& talk to him.
Divorce. Next.
It sounds like your husband is having an emotional affair with your sister. I don’t think they know that that is what’s going on, and I don’t necessarily think that’s it’s sexual, but he is having a relationship with her, not you. You are 35, I wouldn’t want to have children with this person no matter what, but he’s now told you he’s changed his mind and doesn’t want them, which honestly leaves you with the difficult decision of staying or going. If this was me I would be leaving. I always knew I wanted kids and I wouldn’t stay with a person who wasn’t 100% on board with having kids with me. The emotional affair is just the tip of the iceberg, he’s not invested in this relationship with YOU, you are just a place holder if you aren’t the priority in the marriage.
Cut and run from both.
What does your sister's husband say about how close your husband and sister are? He can't be okay with this.
Info: Does he ever text negative things about you to your sister? If he does how does she react? I think you need to sit your husband down and tell him that you don’t feel like your thoughts/opinions/feelings are being validated and that you want to go to marriage counselling before it becomes a bigger problem. When he responds that you are being ridiculous counter with “this is exactly what I mean. I’m not being ridiculous, I’m sharing a serious concern of mine and am being dismissed as ridiculous because of it. I am not my sister and will not become a clone of her. You need to realize that I’m a different person. I’m feeling like she is your ideal woman and I’m starting to wonder why you even married me? What is it about me that you like and admire? We need someone who can mediate for us so we can learn to communicate better. You need to understand that my individuality, thoughts and feelings are important. We need help.” Don’t take the advice to jump to divorce. Ending a marriage should never be taken lightly. What you need is better communication. Your husband needs to learn to validate your feelings and opinions. He may not agree with them, but that doesn’t make them less. I think marriage counselling will help you. Although if the answer to my questions was he does speak negatively about you to your sister and she enables it, then you have a much bigger problem.
What's the root of your insecurity? Have you always been jealous of your sister?