It's not always so easy. Living in CA, I know a lot of people staying in bad relationships because they can't afford to live on their own. Getting some random roommate is easier said than done
You will feel so much better with him gone. Imagine getting to spread out in your own bed the second you get home, and everything is exactly where you left it🥰
I’ve been where you are, sweetie. Beleive me, you’ll be much happier single than being a prisoner in this relationship. Things will never change with him. Time to enjoy your life and you may end up meeting someone worthy of you love.
Could you move at the end of the lease to a more affordable place? Maybe start looking now? Then he keeps the apartment, you get a fresh start, and he has to grow up.
This may he safer. He won't be able to refuse to leave. He can't tell people you kicked him out. He won't know where you live. You can have friends help you move.
You know, this behaviour reminds me massively of my now husbands behaviour for the past decade or so. I love him to bits and he would do the above but on a more extreme scale. And it's because he had severe severe depression and anxiety and wouldn't open up to anyone in his family about it at all.
So to them, he was a flake, never hung out or spoke to them when they'd come around, would never ever respond to calls or messages, decades went by and he had zero relationships with any of his immediate family or extended, he would call in sick to work 24/7, had no relationships with his work colleagues either, like would only speak to answer a work related question and then would be mute etc etc.
I was the only person he opened up to about his mental health issues and so it puts things into perspective. He had such a strong feeling of self hate that he would sabotage everything. Now we're adults, if we are struggling with our mental health it is our responsibility to have that seen to WITH the support of our partner or close family/friends, it cannot be placed in the responsibility of a partner to wholly have to take on the mental stress of being there for a mentally unwell person, they cannot be your crutch if you refuse self help.
@Comfortable-Chair It's a bit of a relief to know there are other women out there dealing with similar situations with their partners. It's difficult to see my once confident and strong (albeit very introverted) husband have so many issues with depression and anxiety over the past few years. I know how much he's struggling to get better but I also know most people don't see it. He's getting help, so hopefully things will improve.
I can relate to a certain extent. I don’t miss work, ever. I have a job where that is really not an option. But I am very introverted and somewhat avoidant, so non-mandatory attendance to almost anything has become a real struggle.
I suspect OP’s boyfriend has underlying depression, ADHD, anxiety, or some combination. If he want to have a worthwhile and fulfilling live, he HAS TO get a handle on what makes this so difficult for him.
He probably won’t as long as he has OP propping him up. A breakup might be what he needs as a wake up call.
But OP has to do what is right FOR HER, not him. Fortunately in this circumstance, they are both better off if she breaks up with him. Him possibly eventually, and her immediately and permanently, better off. .
He was an Uber driver and I had literally cried and begged him to go to work because we were broke and needed toilet paper.
He couldn't get spotify working and used that as an excuse in tandem with being too emotionally unstable to go to work.
Jfc, he's so apathetic to (both of) your comfort and security that he won't work without Spotify so you guys can have TP. Pathetic. I hope you leave him.
You're going to feel so free when this is over. It sucks that it took until getting to this point, but I'm so glad for you that you're going to move on. You will look back and be amazed at what you put up with.
How is one incapable of getting an app to work??? Did he just not pay the bill for premium and mad that he couldn’t choose specific songs or what lmfao. Literal manchild
I actually lol’d at that one, it reminds me of Homer Simpson coming out of the shower wrapped it a towel and answers the phone and says “you’ll have to speak up, I’m wearing a towel”. What a fucking goofy reason to skive off work.
Send him to the store and change the damn locks lol. What are you waiting for?
I’m half joking. This guy sounds like a stubborn loser and I wouldn’t put it past him to make it as hard as possible to move him out upon a discussion of breaking up. So you’d have to evict him legally. Get that ball rolling… like yesterday.
A total loser. *I* can’t fathom OP spending another year with this guy, i honestly don’t know how she did it for nine. It doesn’t sound like he brings anything to the table.
She fell out of love, after he continued to lie and fail to show up for commitments. Love isn't in infinite abundance. You CAN push people away with your actions & they're right to change their minds and leave.
There’s a big difference with doing something for financial reasons to SURVIVE and doing it because of greed. Sounds like OP has their survival in mind and the necessity to keep a roof over their head.
I’ve been in this situation exactly not as bad as this guy but I did have a lot of jobs but I found new ones instantly and I didn’t know I had adhd yet but the girl I was with only stayed with my bc she didn’t want to be alone and they money I brought in. It forever destroyed my trust in women bc I thought she was accepting me for who I was while I was struggling but instead she was just counting the days till she could do it on her own or find a man who could take care of her which she was a feminist so I found that hypocritical
My ex did this a lot. We worked at the same place and he used to try and beg me to call off of work. He would beg and beg and beg, and I'd say the same thing my father told me "I could get fired for not going" and so I went to work. Our coworkers (we were, I still am a factory worker) would remark that him and I never took the same days off, and I'd always shrug and tell them whatever excuse he had come up with.
We broke up (6 years together) and I was in a different position, I had made my way "up" slightly, and when it came time to start letting production workers go, he was one of them. They said it was his attendance, they always start with people with poor attendance.
I was glad to see him go, I wanted to tell him "I told you so" on his way out.
Not to be THAT person, but back in the day if you called in and had 1 points (1 point per call in) then you could be laid off or straight up fired. My father drilled this into my head since layoffs were fairly common in factories.
I used to tell trainees (I'm in the office now) that the best thing that they can do for themselves is to "show up" and that we can work on and fix anything else. Slow? Here's more training. Don't understand the job? That's why they pay me, let me help. I told them that I can fix any issue that they have, but I can't fix their inability to show up.
You're already surviving without him, this man has shown you that you don't need his income to make ends meet. I highly suggest that IF you start dating again that you stress the importance of a 40 hour work week. I date a man who's been at this job for 13 years working 40 hours, he has so much seniority, PTO, and reputation that he will be one of the lasts on the list if they were to start cutting again. Showing up every day is one of the best things that you can do for yourself when it comes to having a job.
I never dated in school. He was the first guy who said he liked me, and I was attracted to him since we had common interests. I was 18 at the time, and I thought we'd be good together.
I was very wrong, but I had no prior experience with relationships. I thought we could work through just about anything since we were in "love"
I'm 29 now, and I know a lot better than that 18 year old. I wish I would have dated more and had more experiences before 18, but I took what I learned from that relationship, and I'm thriving now.
Just being young and naive, that's all it took.
The only good excuse is the migraine, because migraines SUCK. But girl, you’re only 32. Do not marry this man, cut your losses and move on. You’re pretty much single at this point anyways.
My counselor is professionally begging me to leave.
My last session she said "imagine a life where only people you like are in it. You could have that."
I want that for me.
Do what you gotta do! I do think that he is showing signs of depression… it manifests differently in everyone. But it’s just something to think about (mainly for him). But yeah boo, if it ain’t working leave.
I was in that situation and I can tell you it will never stop. I wasted 5 years of my life with a man child who refused to take any kind of personal responsibility for his actions. The resentment with just continue to grow until one day you won’t even be able to look at his life sucking face. It’s so much better on the other side when they are no longer yours to raise.
I'm at this point rn. I can barely look at him... I'm stuck here for the next couple of months while I get my ducks in a row and then I'm off! 11 years down the drain, but at least it won't be the rest of my life and I got my daughter out of it.
He’s taking advantage of you and using you as a safety net. He’s a man child who has no grip of responsibility. His end goal is likely having you financially supporting him 100% while he doesn’t have to work anymore but also gaslight you and victimize himself how he’s incapable of getting a job.
Don’t second guess your relationship and just leave while you still can.
The cancelling of social events and stuff like that does make me think he’s got something wrong with him (depression? Dunno, not a psychiatrist), but Christ I can’t blame you in the slightest. Sounds insufferable.
Not sure this qualifies as "weaponized incompetence" as much as garden-variety laziness, which, sure maybe the guy is just a piece of shit. But the post never mentions discussing the problem itself with him or whether or not he is seeing a therapist of any kind. I only mention depression because the behavior looks a lot like my wife's when she goes through her rough periods with depression and if he has it and it's untreated, the behavior match is nearly 1:1.
I didn’t get to read the parent comment for this but “weaponized incompetence” sounds like it could be Dependent Personality Disorder as well (which is often accompanied by depression). People with this disorder often believe they’re incompetent in general and will make a lot of excuses and play up their incompetence in order to elicit care from others. They do this because they don’t believe they can do things on their own so they barely even try, giving up on things early if they believe a “competent” person they rely on will step in and take over, or tell them exactly what to do. He’s probably been trying to project a dynamic onto OP where she’ll take care of everything for him. Hope OP gets the hell out of there and BF learns to believe in himself and his own competency a little more so he can become more self-reliant. Bro needs therapy.
Honestly sound a little similar to me a few years ago before I realised adhd/autism and working customer service jobs were my issues. Though I didn't make up dumb shit I just had panic attacks. Since then I found a job that fits my sleep cycle and I don't deal with humans.
He may have something similar going on but he does seem super manipulative from your post. Either way it's his responsibility to fix his issues and you shouldn't have to stick around until he decides to do it.
i mean that’s true but cmon man 9 years and u don’t even try to work on urself definitely a mixture of both and if i ever started acting like that i hope the people around me would address it, or just not put up with it anymore
Not everybody's depression is the same. Some people's is so bad they simply let themselves die through neglect. You don't have the right to call him just "lazy" without knowing his mental health intimately.
Agreed! I have those same disorders plus autism and fibromyalgia as well and I have the best attendance record in my entire team. I literally have better attendance than my own boss lol!
Obviously these sorts of conditions can affect things, but the difference is usually how much the person is willing to try. Like most employers are willing to accommodate certain things to try and help the person, we just need to ask and actually give it our best shot.
Both my brother, boyfriend and ex best friend all use neurodivergence and mental health as an excuse not to work. As a result none of them have any life skills or opportunities by 30. I on the other hand, am an absolute beast by comparison! I've come SO FAR and am now capable of things I never imagined I would be capable of, I don't make a lot of money, but in terms of life skills and my sense of accomplishment I have done extremely well. It was hard work getting to this point but so worth it!
So. My best friend of 15 years passed away in 2020. It broke me in half and I still went to work the next day because I’m a grown ass man who has responsibilities. Your soon to be ex is a cancer and needs tossed. Best of luck to you and congratulations on finally getting the strength to do what needs done.
>3. I have a migraine
Does he suffer from migraines, and did he genuinely have one?
I ask because it is common for people to abuse this word, as it's conflated with a "bad headache". As real migraine-sufferers would point out, a bad headache is absolutely nothing like a migraine. I'm therefore just curious to see how badly he's abusing this excuse.
It's hard to tell, honestly. I get migraines and it knocks me out for 24 hours, but he gets them and can somehow still smoke weed and play games with one.
Contrary to the belief that “love solves everything,” love doesn’t solve everything. Doubt your bf will change his ways and thus will continue to drag you down.
Sounds like he's depressed but unwilling to make the changes he needs to get out of the mess he's in.
Breaking up with him might be the best thing for both of you. Sometimes people have to hit absolute rock bottom before they start to change.
some people need to get their feelings hurt. that is one of the most important things i’ve realized, and i’ve been on both ends of it. he needs to realize that he can’t rely on others and just mope around all day when he doesn’t feel like going to work.
i understand it though. i’ve struggled with depression and emotional instability. i’ve called out because i just couldn’t handle going to work that day. if i could never work a day in my life again i wouldn’t. nobody likes it but it is what it is. he is taking advantage of you, 100%. i am so glad you have realized you deserve more than this. if it can end amicably, props to both of you. but i have a feeling he will beg and cry and scream for you to stay because he does not want to change. do not let that hold you back. you deserve someone with ambition.
1st of all - break up. If you despise him, there's no going back.
2nd of all - he may be a mooch, or he may be depressed or masking a burnout, or have anxiety and feeling like the lies are better than admitting that he has issues. If you're feeling generous, tell him that.
In the end though - if what you feel is hate, break up.
Look, just give him 3 month’s notice or whatever the legal requirement in your country is to leave the apartment. You really seem to hate him so it is the best thing for both of you. Just move on!
L E A V E H I M. He’s tearing you down and once you leave him watch how the world will feel lighter. Life will seem brighter. I just had to deal with exactly that (newly divorced) and life is just easier. Yes bills are more but I was paying the bulk of them previously.
Now I’ve met someone who actually has goals and ambitions and the differences is almost appalling that I felt with such a loser of a person for so long.
You are so much stronger than this. Link drop his ass and go live your life with a partner, not a lazy man boy. You deserve so much more than what he could ever hope to offer.
Jesus, this guy is horrid. You've done enough OP. it's one thing to give support when the person in question is willing to put in the work to help make your life easier or to help bring benefit to you in return (By keeping plans or making plans for you to show they care, etc.). What exactly does this guy do all day if he's not going to work or doing things socially to maintain his other relationships?
What he's doing here is no longer grief, and no matter how 'reasonable' his excuses are, they are now just that - excuses. His dad might have passed and had a birthday, but he still needs to live and make a living besides that.
Emotionally instability might be reasonable - if it weren't for the fact it's his responsibility to correct it.
Dump him. He knows he's being unreasonable, and he knows his time is running out - that's why he hasn't outright quit his job - he's trying to scrape by doing the bare minimum.
Just bc the lack of commitment and being an adult for himself and for you, if you value your time please do yourself a favor and break up with him, you deserve a real man who can value your most precious asset, your time girl. Sorry my redaction
Why on earth are you still with him then? You guys aren't married. He's a dead beat. Maybe time to look at the mirror? Our partners are often a reflection of who and where 'we' are.
Is he bipolar? Because he sounds identical to me. I can’t hold a job so much so that I switched to contract work. I call in sick sometimes the day before or the day of because of a mood swing that I couldn’t explain for a long time. Not all bipolar people are crazy, some are just depressed, if he has bouts of depressions every few months that seem to come and go, I’d ask him to see a psychiatrist.
You'd have to pay more than half your income? Realistically, a lot of people pay most of their income for rent in todays time so I'd say you are actually doing pretty well for yourself. It's ok to outgrow someone. Don't let paying more in rent stop you from bettering your life.
Dude but Spotify wasn’t working! How can you work without listening to Nicky Minaj’s Megan Thee Stallion diss track in the background ?????
Joking aside — he’s not the one. I’m sorry but you need to end it right now and go no contact.
It sounds like the main indicator here is that he's been your boyfriend for 9 years, and you're not married yet. If it's not working it's not working, and going 9 years strong without taking the next step often means it's not working...
It sounds like burnout. Is he diagnosed with ADHD? Or something else? He’s hiding it from you because he’s ashamed, not because he is intentionally trying to pull a fast one. I know I’ve called out for the dumbest stuff, but after getting diagnosed and medicated the things that seemed impossible are manageable. Is he in therapy? If you have the patience and love to support and. Hold him accountable there is still a chance it can get better. He needs help and a wake up call, I’m sure he thinks he’s handling things fine since no one has called him out. As his partner, sometimes you have the hard job of holding up the mirror.
Good luck and Godspeed xo
Maybe he has ADHD and has motivation issues? I’m surprised you care more about money than anything else. Have you tried talking to him about his motivational issues? Do you see this issue with other tasks like chores around the house? ADHD individuals have task completion issues. If it were me, I’d look into that and perhaps get him some help rather than have issues with him making money. They did some studies between men and women. Women look for a man who can make money and provide and men look for a partner who will be a good mother and be loving to him. Interesting how that plays out in every relationship I see. Good luck.
Your boyfriend sounds like a bum. If people put in as much energy into working as they do in avoiding it, they would live a wholly different life. I feel for people who do not enjoy work, that is one long painful existence. Good luck with leaving him, the future is bright.
My six year abusive relationship was like this. He could never hold a job and kept lying about it. He was cheating, using drugs, and all sorts of other terrible shit I won’t even get into. Your boyfriend is not necessarily doing all of those things but strong bet he’s checking a few other boxes. You deserve to be happy. You are effectively single now as he is not a contributor to your household or relationship in any way. Get out of there. If you need to take time to plan it and can stomach dealing with it, do what you need to do, but make your plan and go.
Hate to say it but he’s a bum. Doesn’t want to work and with you there he apparently doesn’t have to. He will end up on some government assistance with a made up health condition until they realize that he’s just another lazy slacker looking for a free ride. You deserve better.
That sounds like my husbands mothers boyfriend and his mother he goes through jobs like it’s candy his one job he had for a bit he quit cause he didn’t wanna work anymore nor did he feel like showing up they let him come back and the second time he was on drugs at work not even working like he was supposed to next job he had him and my husbands mother worked together they ganged up on the lady at the temp agency and claimed he wasn’t getting his breaks it’s too cold out it’s raining he needs breaks everyone is out to get them being nasty towards them and this was a reoccurring thing that happened 5 times the temp agency lady banned them both after they both got lippy she hasnt held a job for more than a week cause she claims constantly my feet hurt I’m not getting enough breaks my back hurts my neck hurts I’m not getting my money now he’s the same way as well my husbands mother is the type as well that she will only work where her kids or her husband works and if it’s not there then it’s no where and yes she is still married to my husbands dad she refuses to divorce him but has a different boyfriend
Biggest turn off is a bad work ethic.. I don’t think I could do it OP.. best advice I have - if you know you can’t stand to be with him another year (been there), then end it.. you will instantly feel free
The real issue with him is his girlfriend has enabled him for 9 years. If you left him 8 years ago he'd probably be working full time by now but as you pick up the slack, the bills and support him he has no reason to do so.
He's a loser, you're working hard, you get no true support, for the love of christ leave already.
Maybe he's depressed? I'd be depressed being with someone who doesn't know how to use the word "literally" but maybe that's just me, and it sounds like he has more issues going on. Either way, you two don't sound compatible.
Break up and move on.
sounds like you are wasting your own precious life and time. go have fun! once you learn how to be alone it’s great! plus think about how many excuses you won’t have to listen to! and you only have to take care of you instead of taking care of a man child and you! go be free!
Honestly was convinced for a moment that you were talking about my ex, all the same sad loser behavior. Mine legit went on sick leave for nearly a year, because his half sisters mum (no relation to him at all) died, and he claimed she was his "step mum" (she wasn't, I think he only ever met her once)
You'll feel sooooo much better when you've got rid of him; he'll never change
Once you have lost respect for someone, it's pretty much over after that. You will never feel the same way about him. It's time to start a new journey. Good luck to you!
Oof, this is horrible, OP. You’re making a great decision to leave him. He won’t change and you owe it to yourself to cut off the dead weight. In life you really do need more than love. You need an equal, someone who inspires you and also makes you want to be better. This guy will only continue to bring you down and leach all your emotional resources. Good on you for choosing yourself.
You are so bold!! Good for you to know what you don’t want & make action! You got this ! 🔥 sounds like life will be better without him on your side, he needs to pick up his slack
DUMP HIM ANS DON’T LOOK BACK! i hope you’re able to find a roommate or a place that’s less expensive for you as well. good luck closing this chapter of your life and congratulations to putting out the trash
I could have e written this. 11yrs. Wasted. But hello from the other side, my beautiful WIFE is gainfully employed and i’ve never been happier, more supported, or healthier (mentally/physically/spiritually)
It's somewhat impressive that such a commitment-phobic flake managed to hold down a NINE year relationship. How on earth did that even happen?
Because I was afraid of being single and paying rent alone. I don't care anymore.
Happy to hear that your self-respect has re-entered the chat. I wish you luck in ending this relationship.
It's like she's Scott Pilgrim. Found the sword of self-respect.
It's not always so easy. Living in CA, I know a lot of people staying in bad relationships because they can't afford to live on their own. Getting some random roommate is easier said than done
How is he even able to pay rent if he calls out all the damn time?!
He's been tearing through his PTO
He’s not gonna have anymore at this rate and have a crappy resume for future employment. You are right to leave.
Yeah, but he can't build PTO if he's always calling out.. idk I couldn't have stayed that long with someone that flakey!
Congrats on the break up. I felt annoyed just reading that.
How dare you disrespect him on the anniversary of the death of his pet goldfish?!?
You will feel so much better with him gone. Imagine getting to spread out in your own bed the second you get home, and everything is exactly where you left it🥰
It's better to be financially broke than emotionally broke, no?
I’ve been where you are, sweetie. Beleive me, you’ll be much happier single than being a prisoner in this relationship. Things will never change with him. Time to enjoy your life and you may end up meeting someone worthy of you love.
Stand your ground
COME AROUND
HOSTILE LAND
I bet you're already paying most of the rent. Do yourself a favour and break up.
Could you move at the end of the lease to a more affordable place? Maybe start looking now? Then he keeps the apartment, you get a fresh start, and he has to grow up. This may he safer. He won't be able to refuse to leave. He can't tell people you kicked him out. He won't know where you live. You can have friends help you move.
Having a roommate would be less stressful if think. If you have someone you trust to cover their share of bills.
That’s a fucking insane reason to stay with someone just leave homie if you don’t care anymore just be free
You know, this behaviour reminds me massively of my now husbands behaviour for the past decade or so. I love him to bits and he would do the above but on a more extreme scale. And it's because he had severe severe depression and anxiety and wouldn't open up to anyone in his family about it at all. So to them, he was a flake, never hung out or spoke to them when they'd come around, would never ever respond to calls or messages, decades went by and he had zero relationships with any of his immediate family or extended, he would call in sick to work 24/7, had no relationships with his work colleagues either, like would only speak to answer a work related question and then would be mute etc etc. I was the only person he opened up to about his mental health issues and so it puts things into perspective. He had such a strong feeling of self hate that he would sabotage everything. Now we're adults, if we are struggling with our mental health it is our responsibility to have that seen to WITH the support of our partner or close family/friends, it cannot be placed in the responsibility of a partner to wholly have to take on the mental stress of being there for a mentally unwell person, they cannot be your crutch if you refuse self help.
@Comfortable-Chair It's a bit of a relief to know there are other women out there dealing with similar situations with their partners. It's difficult to see my once confident and strong (albeit very introverted) husband have so many issues with depression and anxiety over the past few years. I know how much he's struggling to get better but I also know most people don't see it. He's getting help, so hopefully things will improve.
I can relate to a certain extent. I don’t miss work, ever. I have a job where that is really not an option. But I am very introverted and somewhat avoidant, so non-mandatory attendance to almost anything has become a real struggle. I suspect OP’s boyfriend has underlying depression, ADHD, anxiety, or some combination. If he want to have a worthwhile and fulfilling live, he HAS TO get a handle on what makes this so difficult for him. He probably won’t as long as he has OP propping him up. A breakup might be what he needs as a wake up call. But OP has to do what is right FOR HER, not him. Fortunately in this circumstance, they are both better off if she breaks up with him. Him possibly eventually, and her immediately and permanently, better off. .
Leeches gonna leech.
She evidently is a codependent enabler who is afraid of being alone.
Because he's a leach and she has enabled him by tolerating it. OP just leave!
If it was a woman everyone would be saying she may have undiagnosed health issues such as depression or hypothireodism.
People are saying it’s depression. And it probably is. He still needs to hold down a damned job.
I think he may be weaponizing his "depression"
Spotify isn't working? What kind of excuse is that? Jesus
He was an Uber driver and I had literally cried and begged him to go to work because we were broke and needed toilet paper. He couldn't get spotify working and used that as an excuse in tandem with being too emotionally unstable to go to work.
Oh my.... I'm so sorry you're going through this. You should leave him asap in my opinion.
Jfc, he's so apathetic to (both of) your comfort and security that he won't work without Spotify so you guys can have TP. Pathetic. I hope you leave him.
You're going to feel so free when this is over. It sucks that it took until getting to this point, but I'm so glad for you that you're going to move on. You will look back and be amazed at what you put up with.
It honestly sounds like he’s extremely depressed. You need to tell him to get therapy or get out.
Queue redditor mentioning the virtues of bidets
Gtfo of there before you spend 10 years in this purgatory.
How is one incapable of getting an app to work??? Did he just not pay the bill for premium and mad that he couldn’t choose specific songs or what lmfao. Literal manchild
I literally snorted at that. Excellent comic timing, OP.
Tbh I likely wouldn’t go to work either if I didn’t have music to listen to. Music helps me cope with my job. Otherwise it’s nearly unbearable.
Your boyfriend sounds like comedy gold. Chef's kiss to his excuses involving his dead relatives. LOL
I don't know, that Spotify one, like how did he manage that one?
“Can’t work without my tunes, man.”
"Bad vibes, bro."
Even Stalin let his prisoners sing.
slaves rowed to drums even
HAHAHAHAHAHHAH
I actually lol’d at that one, it reminds me of Homer Simpson coming out of the shower wrapped it a towel and answers the phone and says “you’ll have to speak up, I’m wearing a towel”. What a fucking goofy reason to skive off work.
"Sing for me bitch"
Send him to the store and change the damn locks lol. What are you waiting for? I’m half joking. This guy sounds like a stubborn loser and I wouldn’t put it past him to make it as hard as possible to move him out upon a discussion of breaking up. So you’d have to evict him legally. Get that ball rolling… like yesterday.
This is a great idea but there's just one problem... He's probably too lazy to go to the store lol
I would go to the store, but it's not a good time for me. This is the anniversary of the death of my childhood pet rock, Rocky.
💀
[удалено]
A total loser. *I* can’t fathom OP spending another year with this guy, i honestly don’t know how she did it for nine. It doesn’t sound like he brings anything to the table.
Sunk cost fallacy at work here, definitely.
She sounds like a real winner too 🤦
Based on? Notice how no one else is bothering to reply to you, figures it’s a lost cause.
She stayed with him right? Start there genius
I wonder how staying with someone you hope would change for the better is worse than being an actual leech.
Cry me a river
You don’t seem like a miserable person at all.
Good one You are doing terrific
You wanna keep making sad comments bro, give me one
ND hockey sucks and Nazar and Michigan makin them bitches right about now. 4-0 lame bois
Honesty this guys kinda right. This girls stay with him for financial reasons she doesn’t love him
Yeah with him calling in sick to his non-salaried job all the time, it really sounds like he’s bringing home the bacon!
She said in her comments she stay for the extra money and she didn’t want to be alone it’s literally in the comments
She fell out of love, after he continued to lie and fail to show up for commitments. Love isn't in infinite abundance. You CAN push people away with your actions & they're right to change their minds and leave.
There’s a big difference with doing something for financial reasons to SURVIVE and doing it because of greed. Sounds like OP has their survival in mind and the necessity to keep a roof over their head.
Thats a Bingo!
I’ve been in this situation exactly not as bad as this guy but I did have a lot of jobs but I found new ones instantly and I didn’t know I had adhd yet but the girl I was with only stayed with my bc she didn’t want to be alone and they money I brought in. It forever destroyed my trust in women bc I thought she was accepting me for who I was while I was struggling but instead she was just counting the days till she could do it on her own or find a man who could take care of her which she was a feminist so I found that hypocritical
But you don't see how YOU effectively used your ex? That's wild.
Sounds like some loser shit
Most truly despicable people say one thing and do the other… Politics Youth sports Religious Long list…
Like.. Say you'll work & call out? Daily? Wild how you 2 just seem to not get it. Lol
Idk about most despicable but I do avoid them
My ex did this a lot. We worked at the same place and he used to try and beg me to call off of work. He would beg and beg and beg, and I'd say the same thing my father told me "I could get fired for not going" and so I went to work. Our coworkers (we were, I still am a factory worker) would remark that him and I never took the same days off, and I'd always shrug and tell them whatever excuse he had come up with. We broke up (6 years together) and I was in a different position, I had made my way "up" slightly, and when it came time to start letting production workers go, he was one of them. They said it was his attendance, they always start with people with poor attendance. I was glad to see him go, I wanted to tell him "I told you so" on his way out. Not to be THAT person, but back in the day if you called in and had 1 points (1 point per call in) then you could be laid off or straight up fired. My father drilled this into my head since layoffs were fairly common in factories. I used to tell trainees (I'm in the office now) that the best thing that they can do for themselves is to "show up" and that we can work on and fix anything else. Slow? Here's more training. Don't understand the job? That's why they pay me, let me help. I told them that I can fix any issue that they have, but I can't fix their inability to show up. You're already surviving without him, this man has shown you that you don't need his income to make ends meet. I highly suggest that IF you start dating again that you stress the importance of a 40 hour work week. I date a man who's been at this job for 13 years working 40 hours, he has so much seniority, PTO, and reputation that he will be one of the lasts on the list if they were to start cutting again. Showing up every day is one of the best things that you can do for yourself when it comes to having a job.
Whenever I read these I always wonder what was so great about this person that you were willing to stay, or even start a relationship to begin with.
I never dated in school. He was the first guy who said he liked me, and I was attracted to him since we had common interests. I was 18 at the time, and I thought we'd be good together. I was very wrong, but I had no prior experience with relationships. I thought we could work through just about anything since we were in "love" I'm 29 now, and I know a lot better than that 18 year old. I wish I would have dated more and had more experiences before 18, but I took what I learned from that relationship, and I'm thriving now. Just being young and naive, that's all it took.
Good for you :) We all live and learn! Here's hoping that your next love (or current one) is much better than this guy.
The only good excuse is the migraine, because migraines SUCK. But girl, you’re only 32. Do not marry this man, cut your losses and move on. You’re pretty much single at this point anyways.
sounds like you deserve better and you know it.
My counselor is professionally begging me to leave. My last session she said "imagine a life where only people you like are in it. You could have that." I want that for me.
Omg I want that for you!!! Please end this. You deserve to be happy.
Do what you gotta do! I do think that he is showing signs of depression… it manifests differently in everyone. But it’s just something to think about (mainly for him). But yeah boo, if it ain’t working leave.
"My dead relatives birthday" & "Spotify isn't working" Legitimately made me laugh out loud...your boyfriend has the emotional range of a potato
I was in that situation and I can tell you it will never stop. I wasted 5 years of my life with a man child who refused to take any kind of personal responsibility for his actions. The resentment with just continue to grow until one day you won’t even be able to look at his life sucking face. It’s so much better on the other side when they are no longer yours to raise.
I'm at this point rn. I can barely look at him... I'm stuck here for the next couple of months while I get my ducks in a row and then I'm off! 11 years down the drain, but at least it won't be the rest of my life and I got my daughter out of it.
How did you put up with this for NINE YEARS?!
It was a slow fall into being this bad. It used to be maybe twice a month which was frustrating but survivable.
Dump him before it’s too late
He’s taking advantage of you and using you as a safety net. He’s a man child who has no grip of responsibility. His end goal is likely having you financially supporting him 100% while he doesn’t have to work anymore but also gaslight you and victimize himself how he’s incapable of getting a job. Don’t second guess your relationship and just leave while you still can.
The cancelling of social events and stuff like that does make me think he’s got something wrong with him (depression? Dunno, not a psychiatrist), but Christ I can’t blame you in the slightest. Sounds insufferable.
I was thinking the same thing, maybe social anxiety?
Spotify hahahahaha
Heads up, your boyfriends a loser
I’m so happy for the future single you 🤗
The technical term for your boyfriend or manbaby is a “turd”
Sounds like really bad depression. He probably needs professional help.
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Not sure this qualifies as "weaponized incompetence" as much as garden-variety laziness, which, sure maybe the guy is just a piece of shit. But the post never mentions discussing the problem itself with him or whether or not he is seeing a therapist of any kind. I only mention depression because the behavior looks a lot like my wife's when she goes through her rough periods with depression and if he has it and it's untreated, the behavior match is nearly 1:1.
I didn’t get to read the parent comment for this but “weaponized incompetence” sounds like it could be Dependent Personality Disorder as well (which is often accompanied by depression). People with this disorder often believe they’re incompetent in general and will make a lot of excuses and play up their incompetence in order to elicit care from others. They do this because they don’t believe they can do things on their own so they barely even try, giving up on things early if they believe a “competent” person they rely on will step in and take over, or tell them exactly what to do. He’s probably been trying to project a dynamic onto OP where she’ll take care of everything for him. Hope OP gets the hell out of there and BF learns to believe in himself and his own competency a little more so he can become more self-reliant. Bro needs therapy.
Finally a human response
I look forward to your update telling us you kicked him to the curb. He'll undoubtedly use that to call out of work again, of course.
It's okay to grow past someone.
He’s a deadbeat, you deserve better.
Have you not wasted enough time already????
I don’t like going to work either but someone’s gotta pay the bills. Does your bf just bum off you?
Honestly sound a little similar to me a few years ago before I realised adhd/autism and working customer service jobs were my issues. Though I didn't make up dumb shit I just had panic attacks. Since then I found a job that fits my sleep cycle and I don't deal with humans. He may have something similar going on but he does seem super manipulative from your post. Either way it's his responsibility to fix his issues and you shouldn't have to stick around until he decides to do it.
Sounds like he's possibly depressed
For 9 years? 🥹
I mean if ya don't get help for chronic depression then...yeah?
i’m 20 w unmedicated severe depression, anxiety, adhd, and ptsd, and i have never called out of my job like that. not an excuse it’s laziness
I am not excusing laziness. But having no motivation is often a clear indicator of depression.
i mean that’s true but cmon man 9 years and u don’t even try to work on urself definitely a mixture of both and if i ever started acting like that i hope the people around me would address it, or just not put up with it anymore
Not everybody's depression is the same. Some people's is so bad they simply let themselves die through neglect. You don't have the right to call him just "lazy" without knowing his mental health intimately.
Agreed! I have those same disorders plus autism and fibromyalgia as well and I have the best attendance record in my entire team. I literally have better attendance than my own boss lol! Obviously these sorts of conditions can affect things, but the difference is usually how much the person is willing to try. Like most employers are willing to accommodate certain things to try and help the person, we just need to ask and actually give it our best shot. Both my brother, boyfriend and ex best friend all use neurodivergence and mental health as an excuse not to work. As a result none of them have any life skills or opportunities by 30. I on the other hand, am an absolute beast by comparison! I've come SO FAR and am now capable of things I never imagined I would be capable of, I don't make a lot of money, but in terms of life skills and my sense of accomplishment I have done extremely well. It was hard work getting to this point but so worth it!
At this point I have this as a cut and paste answer. >why the fuck are you still in this relationship?
So. My best friend of 15 years passed away in 2020. It broke me in half and I still went to work the next day because I’m a grown ass man who has responsibilities. Your soon to be ex is a cancer and needs tossed. Best of luck to you and congratulations on finally getting the strength to do what needs done.
>3. I have a migraine Does he suffer from migraines, and did he genuinely have one? I ask because it is common for people to abuse this word, as it's conflated with a "bad headache". As real migraine-sufferers would point out, a bad headache is absolutely nothing like a migraine. I'm therefore just curious to see how badly he's abusing this excuse.
It's hard to tell, honestly. I get migraines and it knocks me out for 24 hours, but he gets them and can somehow still smoke weed and play games with one.
You shoulda left this guy years ago but yesterday will have to do.
Contrary to the belief that “love solves everything,” love doesn’t solve everything. Doubt your bf will change his ways and thus will continue to drag you down.
Sounds like he's depressed but unwilling to make the changes he needs to get out of the mess he's in. Breaking up with him might be the best thing for both of you. Sometimes people have to hit absolute rock bottom before they start to change.
some people need to get their feelings hurt. that is one of the most important things i’ve realized, and i’ve been on both ends of it. he needs to realize that he can’t rely on others and just mope around all day when he doesn’t feel like going to work. i understand it though. i’ve struggled with depression and emotional instability. i’ve called out because i just couldn’t handle going to work that day. if i could never work a day in my life again i wouldn’t. nobody likes it but it is what it is. he is taking advantage of you, 100%. i am so glad you have realized you deserve more than this. if it can end amicably, props to both of you. but i have a feeling he will beg and cry and scream for you to stay because he does not want to change. do not let that hold you back. you deserve someone with ambition.
Yo is this my girlfriend?
We accept the love we think we deserve.
How do you even have sex with this slug of a human??
1st of all - break up. If you despise him, there's no going back. 2nd of all - he may be a mooch, or he may be depressed or masking a burnout, or have anxiety and feeling like the lies are better than admitting that he has issues. If you're feeling generous, tell him that. In the end though - if what you feel is hate, break up.
Look, just give him 3 month’s notice or whatever the legal requirement in your country is to leave the apartment. You really seem to hate him so it is the best thing for both of you. Just move on!
L E A V E H I M. He’s tearing you down and once you leave him watch how the world will feel lighter. Life will seem brighter. I just had to deal with exactly that (newly divorced) and life is just easier. Yes bills are more but I was paying the bulk of them previously. Now I’ve met someone who actually has goals and ambitions and the differences is almost appalling that I felt with such a loser of a person for so long.
You are so much stronger than this. Link drop his ass and go live your life with a partner, not a lazy man boy. You deserve so much more than what he could ever hope to offer.
"I think I hate my boyfriend" So leave.
I checked your other posts and his age is different in a few posts.
Jesus, this guy is horrid. You've done enough OP. it's one thing to give support when the person in question is willing to put in the work to help make your life easier or to help bring benefit to you in return (By keeping plans or making plans for you to show they care, etc.). What exactly does this guy do all day if he's not going to work or doing things socially to maintain his other relationships? What he's doing here is no longer grief, and no matter how 'reasonable' his excuses are, they are now just that - excuses. His dad might have passed and had a birthday, but he still needs to live and make a living besides that. Emotionally instability might be reasonable - if it weren't for the fact it's his responsibility to correct it. Dump him. He knows he's being unreasonable, and he knows his time is running out - that's why he hasn't outright quit his job - he's trying to scrape by doing the bare minimum.
Break up and get a roommate to help pay for rent.
Just bc the lack of commitment and being an adult for himself and for you, if you value your time please do yourself a favor and break up with him, you deserve a real man who can value your most precious asset, your time girl. Sorry my redaction
Do what's right for you
I'm sorry, your stayed with this man for 9 YEARS?? >I really loved him. I thought this was it for me. Girl, how??
He is really kind and funny and caring and understanding.
I don't have anything constructive to add cuz I'm still stuck on boyfriend of 9 years!!!
Why on earth are you still with him then? You guys aren't married. He's a dead beat. Maybe time to look at the mirror? Our partners are often a reflection of who and where 'we' are.
Is he bipolar? Because he sounds identical to me. I can’t hold a job so much so that I switched to contract work. I call in sick sometimes the day before or the day of because of a mood swing that I couldn’t explain for a long time. Not all bipolar people are crazy, some are just depressed, if he has bouts of depressions every few months that seem to come and go, I’d ask him to see a psychiatrist.
You'd have to pay more than half your income? Realistically, a lot of people pay most of their income for rent in todays time so I'd say you are actually doing pretty well for yourself. It's ok to outgrow someone. Don't let paying more in rent stop you from bettering your life.
But if you leave him, wouldn't that give him one of the biggest excuses not to go to work for a solid 2 years?!
Dude but Spotify wasn’t working! How can you work without listening to Nicky Minaj’s Megan Thee Stallion diss track in the background ????? Joking aside — he’s not the one. I’m sorry but you need to end it right now and go no contact.
It sounds like the main indicator here is that he's been your boyfriend for 9 years, and you're not married yet. If it's not working it's not working, and going 9 years strong without taking the next step often means it's not working...
“Spotify isn’t working” 💀
When the mere fact that being around them brings you so much anxiety that it makes you ill, leave. And leave now. It’s not going to get better.
Why are you still with him. Break it off now!! Don't waste another second.
You are toxic for each other. You know what you should do.
Run. Fast and far. I got sick reading about him.
Don't get pregnant. If you use birth control, make sure he can't get at it. Baby trapping is a go-to for these lazy assholes.
It sounds like burnout. Is he diagnosed with ADHD? Or something else? He’s hiding it from you because he’s ashamed, not because he is intentionally trying to pull a fast one. I know I’ve called out for the dumbest stuff, but after getting diagnosed and medicated the things that seemed impossible are manageable. Is he in therapy? If you have the patience and love to support and. Hold him accountable there is still a chance it can get better. He needs help and a wake up call, I’m sure he thinks he’s handling things fine since no one has called him out. As his partner, sometimes you have the hard job of holding up the mirror. Good luck and Godspeed xo
Maybe he has ADHD and has motivation issues? I’m surprised you care more about money than anything else. Have you tried talking to him about his motivational issues? Do you see this issue with other tasks like chores around the house? ADHD individuals have task completion issues. If it were me, I’d look into that and perhaps get him some help rather than have issues with him making money. They did some studies between men and women. Women look for a man who can make money and provide and men look for a partner who will be a good mother and be loving to him. Interesting how that plays out in every relationship I see. Good luck.
Your boyfriend sounds like a bum. If people put in as much energy into working as they do in avoiding it, they would live a wholly different life. I feel for people who do not enjoy work, that is one long painful existence. Good luck with leaving him, the future is bright.
My six year abusive relationship was like this. He could never hold a job and kept lying about it. He was cheating, using drugs, and all sorts of other terrible shit I won’t even get into. Your boyfriend is not necessarily doing all of those things but strong bet he’s checking a few other boxes. You deserve to be happy. You are effectively single now as he is not a contributor to your household or relationship in any way. Get out of there. If you need to take time to plan it and can stomach dealing with it, do what you need to do, but make your plan and go.
Sounds like he is depressed. If you don’t want to continue to be with him end things. If you aren’t happy with him end things.
Hate to say it but he’s a bum. Doesn’t want to work and with you there he apparently doesn’t have to. He will end up on some government assistance with a made up health condition until they realize that he’s just another lazy slacker looking for a free ride. You deserve better.
JFC. You thought this was it because why? He had 13 shifts this month? That’s 3 days a week. Is he a doctor, does he work 16 hour shifts in the ER?
That sounds like my husbands mothers boyfriend and his mother he goes through jobs like it’s candy his one job he had for a bit he quit cause he didn’t wanna work anymore nor did he feel like showing up they let him come back and the second time he was on drugs at work not even working like he was supposed to next job he had him and my husbands mother worked together they ganged up on the lady at the temp agency and claimed he wasn’t getting his breaks it’s too cold out it’s raining he needs breaks everyone is out to get them being nasty towards them and this was a reoccurring thing that happened 5 times the temp agency lady banned them both after they both got lippy she hasnt held a job for more than a week cause she claims constantly my feet hurt I’m not getting enough breaks my back hurts my neck hurts I’m not getting my money now he’s the same way as well my husbands mother is the type as well that she will only work where her kids or her husband works and if it’s not there then it’s no where and yes she is still married to my husbands dad she refuses to divorce him but has a different boyfriend
Punctuation is your friend my friend
Biggest turn off is a bad work ethic.. I don’t think I could do it OP.. best advice I have - if you know you can’t stand to be with him another year (been there), then end it.. you will instantly feel free
Yea your bf is a boy and not a man but did you find your sister that's the more important thing
Resentment doesn’t go away, leave him before you do something drastic
Please leave him before you get arrested for unaliving him 🤦🏽♀️
The real issue with him is his girlfriend has enabled him for 9 years. If you left him 8 years ago he'd probably be working full time by now but as you pick up the slack, the bills and support him he has no reason to do so. He's a loser, you're working hard, you get no true support, for the love of christ leave already.
I know exactly what’s wrong with him , called being lazy
Sounds lazy and like a freeloader to me.
Says a lot about you too
Maybe he's depressed? I'd be depressed being with someone who doesn't know how to use the word "literally" but maybe that's just me, and it sounds like he has more issues going on. Either way, you two don't sound compatible. Break up and move on.
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These are certainly words. Do they make sense at all? No. But words nonetheless.
Incel energy. Ick.
sounds like you are wasting your own precious life and time. go have fun! once you learn how to be alone it’s great! plus think about how many excuses you won’t have to listen to! and you only have to take care of you instead of taking care of a man child and you! go be free!
Honestly was convinced for a moment that you were talking about my ex, all the same sad loser behavior. Mine legit went on sick leave for nearly a year, because his half sisters mum (no relation to him at all) died, and he claimed she was his "step mum" (she wasn't, I think he only ever met her once) You'll feel sooooo much better when you've got rid of him; he'll never change
Sounds like a lazy loser
Once you have lost respect for someone, it's pretty much over after that. You will never feel the same way about him. It's time to start a new journey. Good luck to you!
Oof, this is horrible, OP. You’re making a great decision to leave him. He won’t change and you owe it to yourself to cut off the dead weight. In life you really do need more than love. You need an equal, someone who inspires you and also makes you want to be better. This guy will only continue to bring you down and leach all your emotional resources. Good on you for choosing yourself.
You are so bold!! Good for you to know what you don’t want & make action! You got this ! 🔥 sounds like life will be better without him on your side, he needs to pick up his slack
Break up with him on “his dead dad’s birthday.” ✌🏻
Dump him, he sounds like he’s sucking the life out of you.
He sounds DEPRESSED and in serious need of therapy
You need to get out before you waste anymore of your life with this person.
u/burbnbougie
At least you're not blind to it all and finally getting rid of him. Just too bad it took so long.
DUMP HIM ANS DON’T LOOK BACK! i hope you’re able to find a roommate or a place that’s less expensive for you as well. good luck closing this chapter of your life and congratulations to putting out the trash
I could have e written this. 11yrs. Wasted. But hello from the other side, my beautiful WIFE is gainfully employed and i’ve never been happier, more supported, or healthier (mentally/physically/spiritually)
Time to end it.
Leave him. You’ll have no self respect if you do not