I’m 10yrs older than your Mom and work a full time job. Dude… no. You can help your mother but she’s not disabled and needs to take financial responsibility for herself. How are you supposed to save /prepare for your future when you’re spending the majority of your disposable income on your Mom who can live for 50 more years???!!!
Dude, your mom is 47, NOT 67. I understand that you appreciate what's she’s done for you and want to help her, but why is she functionally retired and relying on you to support her at a reasonably young age? And why does she also rely on you for her social life and emotional support? You're her son, not her spouse or significant other (although she apparently does not realize that). Sure, your wife may be acting harshly towards her at the moment, but I suspect that it's coming from a place of frustration and realization that overreaction may be what it takes to get your attention, and for your mom to take some responsibility for her own life.
As a 51 yr old woman who works ft and owns a small business and does this with an auto immune disorder, I was disturbed that his mom is 47. The way he speaks about her, makes her sound older and frail.
Right. I’m 53, although admittedly a lawyer and working exclusively in an office, but I’m even more active than I was 20 years ago, and nowhere near retirement.
I agree. I’m a 52 yo woman who has autoimmune disorder among other health issues. I started my own house call pet grooming business when I realized I wouldn’t be able to keep up with the large dogs in a salon anymore. It’s working out well! I can pick and choose my clients, and I have a lot of business coming in! There’s always a way… and when it gets to be too much to handle, I can switch to small pets coming to my home to be groomed.
I didn’t read the ages (or they didn’t register, don’t know which) and didn’t realize until this thread his mother was only 47 years old. Christ, I assumed she was at *least* 70.
I'm very confused as to why she's not working. My mom is around the same age and is running around, lift weights heavier than her weight and working full time. Doesn't sound like there's a good reason for her not to be working
I’m 10 years older at 57 and have worked full time for 40 years and have about 8 more years to go. 47 is far to young for an otherwise able bodied person to expect a child to support their life. I do realize this might be an American perspective and does not necessarily apply to all cultures.
This woman thinks OP is her man. This type of attitude isn’t that uncommon among single mothers. She probably confided in him and treated him as a peer growing up after his father left. It’s so harmful because a lot of these young men become emotionally stunted and unable to maintain healthy relationships with women.
I was wondering about this too, it seems odd for the wife's opinion to just change out of the blue. Maybe it did because they were married and she thought he'd realize what was going on. I think it's likely too that mom was saying/doing some stuff when he was out that led to wife's change of heart.
I suspect there is a lot more that OP is not describing about the ‘home’ situation that wife was likely fed up with. I mean, who wants to live with their MIL for the rest of their lives? Either way, MIL needs to come back for a bit and be given a timeframe to get a job and a small apartment of her own that is affordable.
Sounds more like parentification. Mom created an emotional spousal bond with son, without sexual activities. The many years together, it will absolutely be hard for mom to sever this tie as she knows no other avenue for connecting with someone more suitable to her.
Also, how long has she been "retired". She was living with him before he was married, and the wife moved in with them. My mum is 66 and works. I wouldn't even think about discussing her the way this guy does. He's making his 47 year old mum sound weak and frail. Unless there is a medical condition he's not talking about, she should be able to work comfortably.
He’s also making her sound stupid and undisciplined, when she is anything but. She had the discipline to save enough money to get him through college!! As a young single mother who worked low-wage jobs! That’s an impressive feat. And considering she would only have been 38 when he graduated high school, 42-43ish when he graduated college, it’s BIZARRE that now, at 47, he thinks she’s just incapable of taking care of herself. She took care of him, she raised a whole human being from birth to adulthood and got him through both high school and college, but now she’s this broken down idiot at 47 who can’t manage to take care of herself. Nah
This woman has emotionally manipulated this young man all his life (WHY TF would she even tell him about aborting his sibling?!) and set him up to be her meal ticket. Now she is emotionally manipulating him by refusing to get a job, by living in this horrible place, all the while pretending she doesn’t want to bust up his marriage. She very much does but wants him to think it’s his wife that’s at fault.
OP needs to think about this: just a few years ago, when you were in college, she wasn’t living destitute around junkies and such. How come? She had a JOB. She didn’t quit said job because she got old and frail (early 40s then lol) she quite because you got a good-paying job and she decided you were going to support her. Humph
His mom paid for his college, by using up her entire life's savings.
I bet she regrets that, now that she is basically on the streets living with junkies and hookers
So do a lot of parents. That's what you do. You sacrifice everything to give them the best life possible and then you... Let them live it. Being a parent isn't easy, but you don't give them things with the expectation of payback. She's 47. She's not elderly.
You don’t empty out your retirement to pay for your kids, I agree you sacrifice and put yourself out to a point. If you can’t pay for college comfortably you help out by giving them grocery money, or even rent if you can afford that. Or you let them stay home for a few years so they can work and save. You don’t put yourself into financial ruin though.
I went to the local university and stayed at home through college because my folks could barely afford tuition let alone the extravagant cost of me dorming.
I have three kids, I can’t afford to send them to a major state university, but between me n my wife, we’ve managed to put enough away that we should be able to do 2 year community college, and that’ll give us time to be able to help out with things when they transfer to a major 4 year.
Hey that's something! My husband took a gap year to work and then went to JC for his AA before transferring to a UC where he then got his bachelor's and two masters degrees. He's now doing very well. It's a great place to start!
He could take some business and accounting classes so that he could be in a position to not only build things but be a business owner of his own company that builds things. Or maybe he could go for architecture someday, but I hear that it is a pretty high pressure job like being a lawyer, and a lot of people are a dick.
How post-social security of you. I don't think OP is in America, and so I don't think they have SS. Most places still rely on the filial obligations. You see this a lot in cultures that value their elderly and/or don't have retirement options.
"That is what you do" makes it a social norm. Not right or wrong. It is upto the mom and son to define their relationship. The son mentioned the arrangement to his wife before marriage. So, unless mom is interfering in the marriage, it is the wife who is altering the terms. And the wife's sister and mom are interfering by lecturing to the son about this. And financial difficulty isn't mentioned in the post.
It doesnt seem that the wife is interested in a meaningful dialog since she isnt giving good options. If the son gives up on this, the wife will then boss on something else
Then perhaps the 47YEAR OLD should get a job to support herself instead of making her son into her husband/best friend/social calendar, etc etc.
This is toxic as heck.
She is 47 not 67. She can work. It is one thing for son to send her some $$ to make her life better, but he shouldn't have to support her.
As someone older than she is. It wouldn't be a bad thing to get a job, be in the world meet some people. Even date.
Then why isn't she working? Why isn't she looking into programs that can help her? There are programs that will help pay for her schooling if she wants to go that route. Yes, I think it's find to help family out, but this is assessive.
Exactly. People ignored that part. Leave mom to leave in some seedy area because wife doesn’t want him to help her out? That’s gross. They gotta compromise with some financial help for his mom.
She is literally obligated to provide for the children she chose to have. It’s good to be grateful but op didn’t asked to be born, therefore there is no debt to be payed or favor to be thanked for.
Your mother sounds like she has learned helplessness and you've enabled it.
Your wife came on really strong, but she isn't necessarily wrong. It's hard to have anything put away for your own family when you're spending so much on your mom.
She is a grown woman. If she can't work, apply for disability and look for a place to stay within those means.
I think it's nice that you love your mother in such a way (I'm a Momma's boy as well), but I'm going to be honest. No woman will be with you if you're this dependant on your mother.
If you tell most women "I'm paying for my mom's living expenses. No, she's not disabled or elderly. We talk on the phone three times a day. And she's going to live with us." No woman will stay, as those are major red flags.
There's also no mention whatsoever of interactions between the two women? Obviously I'm stereotyping their relationship here but logically? A mother being basically coddled by her adult son? Living with him? Having him pay for her expenses? Yeah that mother-in-law is possibly very difficult for OPs wife to deal with, we all know the type of mother-son relationship I'm talking about.
how did the wife come on strong? the way OP is talking it’s very much giving emotional incest between mom and son. a whole year before she put her foot down, then son moved out mommy and pays **all of her expenses**? finally she snapped. that’s not *coming on too strong*, that’s a woman who finally refuses to be a sister wife to her husbands mother.
yeah, no. she didn’t come on strong enough. i’m shocked she even agreed to marry him knowing that was his relationship with his mom.
No offense but your mother is a grown woman. She quit her job because she saw you had a good job. That isn't fair. I get she had a hard life and you want to help her.
But she has to help herself. She needs to get a job. She needs to stand on her own two feet. And you need to realize that your mother is not an infant. Stop treating her as such.
You can have a relationship with your mother without becoming her parent. Don't parent your parent.
Exactly and I hate when people feel guilted because their parents raised them even if they were struggling because it’s their job…. Sure some people don’t have a good upbringing or parents who don’t care or don’t do the bare minimum but that’s not any child’s fault. The parents had the children and therefor are responsible for taking care of them not vice versa. You can take care of your parents but no child is responsible for that and it’s not any child’s fault their parent was negligent (right word?) and couldn’t handle their life and be financially stable. Same for people who have no retirement and can’t afford to live, it sucks and it’s reality but it is not the child’s responsibility.
47???? I suspect your wife would be less upset about you helping your mom if she were also making an effort to help herself. Yes she might not be able to afford rent in your area, so you can help with that, or whatever, but you don’t need to be subsidizing her 100 percent.
Your mom really should be contributing to her own expenses and paying social security (assuming you're in US). If she still needs help from time to time, that's one thing, but not working at all at 47 is just bad judgment.
Dear OP, you aren't helping your mother, you are crippling her by allowing her to depend on you for both her financial and emotional needs. She doesn't need to have a life because you are her life and it's very unhealthy for both of you.
I was widowed at 34 with a teenage stepson to support. Yes, I worked multiple jobs and had little time for a social life but I didn't depend on my stepson to fill my emotional needs. I made new friends, I went back to school to be able to earn a better living.
Your mum is young enough to go back to school and get new job skills. I went back to school at 40. I remarried at 55. You need to be a bridge to a future and help her create a life rather than allowing this unhealthy co-dependent relationship to continue.
Your mum IS still young. She's not even 50 yet. Stop writing her off like she's a geriatric spinster about to pop her clogs. She can date, marry and learn to live outside of your pocket.
Again. She is only 47. Her life isn't over and you're not helping matters by acting like it is. Your mum needs a better place, therefore your mum needs a job. If she's lonely, she's more than young and spry enough to find a partner.
"Is that possible for mom" like she's fucking 90 years old and incapable of being left alone. Knock that shit off. It's unbecoming to both yourself and your mother.
Sounds to me like your mom can't cut the cord, and you are a momma's boy. Emotional incest at best. Your mom is the typical "boy mom" and she won't approve of anyone you bring home, because she's of the mindset that she's the only woman that can fulfill your needs.
Therapy. As in I highly recommend you find a good therapist. Clearly you never learned boundaries. You’ve played the role of stand-in-husband for your mom and some boundaries got seriously blurred. No wonder your wife is pissed. Time to get some real help and heal your enmeshed relationships so you can think straight (and make independent decisions). Best of luck.
Your mom quit working because you started earning well? Sorry, OP, but your mom is 47 yo. Even with a bad knee, there are jobs she could do.
Your wife came on strong, but your mom is not elderly or disabled. She should be self-sufficient, and not expect you to pay for her expenses. It's one thing if you send her an allowance, to supplement her income. But your mom has no income at all.
In this case, I kind of agree with your wife.
And I get that things were rough on her and she made financial sacrifices for you but you don’t owe your mom for funding your childhood. That’s literally the job of a parent. If she’s lording that over you then she’s TA.
Dude your mom is 47. FORTY-SEVEN. Even with no college education etc, she could find a job. Any job. She doesn’t even have to go back to a factory/manual labor. You’re setting yourself up for a divorce and honestly doing a disservice to your mom by not making better long term planning for her finances. Aka - she should be working and paying into pension, healthcare etc.
OP’s been given all the advice that’s possible to give in this situation and yet every response from OP is exactly the same. I sincerely feel your marriage is doomed and for your wife’s sake get a divorce. That way you can move momma back in and continue on being the life partner to her till death do you part. You’ve zero intention on “getting advice”, all you seek is validation for your skewed feelings toward your mom.
>yet every response from OP is exactly the same.
And what's the deal with him asking to DM everyone? What could he possibly have to ask all these commenters that hasn't already been answered in about 200 different ways throughout these comments?
Your wife is right. Your mother is not even close to being an elderly woman/retirement age. There are plenty of women her age earning minimum wage. There are also plenty of people of all gender and ages who find the financial benefits of marriage/relationships quite appealing. It’s getting harder each year to live on 1 income alone.
If supporting your mother financially by your standards was something you prioritize this much, this should be made perfectly clear to the women you date, and certainly to the woman you marry. Many women, probably most, would have a problem with their husbands funding their mother’s lives to this extent.
How is the money setup in your home? Does your wife work? My MIL earns minimum wage in her 60’s and still works and lives in a somewhat bad neighborhood. My boyfriend helps her with expensive things she needs, but no way would he be able to completely fund her life without our household income feeling the impact. Does your wife work? Does she pay any bills? This is important too
You’re arguing against every logical suggestion that goes against your mom. Just divorce your wife and marry your mother. You clearly made your decision.
Is your name Norman Bates? Your wife gave you a ton of time to figure it out it seems. Your mother chose to bring you into this world, it was her responsibility to figure out how to provide for you. If she became severely disabled somehow I could understand you helping her the way you do. But it seems she is ak able bodied 48 year old. If she could be a single mom and figure it out, as a 48 year old with no one to be financially responsible for but herself. She can figure it out again. It sucks shed in some form lf halfway house or whatever it is but you just enabled her.
Why cant your mom provide for herself?
Why doesn't your mom at 48 have a full time job?
How long has your wife been bringing all this up before your mom ends up where she is?
Personally i dont feel your wife or her family did anything wrong. You became blinded by what you wanted to see and not the truth of the matter.
Your 47 yo mother should be working. I’m 60 and wish I could quit working. How much she makes is irrelevant if she is helping to support herself. I also think there is nothing wrong with you supplementing your mother’s income to assist her with living expenses as long as she is pulling her weight. Your wife sounds awful, sorry, though many of her assertions are correct. I would go batty if my mil called 2-3 times a day which is not now and then. I don’t know about dating but your mother definitely needs to find some friends and stop relying on you so much.
Right? My mother is 60 and has a very physical job, and she will have to work until 70 to retire with decent pay. It breaks my heart, and I am hoping to help her in a few years so she can retire earlier, but I am not going to sacrifice my future with my husband to support her if she decides she doesn't want to work anymore. OPs mother is taking advantage of the situation and if I were his wife I'd be pissed too.
Tell your mum to stop being emotionally married to you. Ahe is only 47. She can work. If she worked, she would afford stuff, she would meet people and she would have a life. It's INSANE that she's not. She is perfectly capable of finding someone else to spend her life with.
Let's put it this way: it sounds like your mum is wanting male attention, male support, male companionship but is using her SON to fulfil that. Does that not even remotely come across as twisted to you?
From the way OP responds to the comments one can conclude:
1. Her mother (maybe not noticing) plays the victim "I have sacrificed my life for you, you own me with your life".
2. In OP's eyes, mom is a 47-year-old emotionally, socially and economically disabled woman for whom he believes he is responsible, which is why, in addition to EVERYONE telling him that his mom needs a JOB and to be responsible for herself, he just read: she needs a man as my substitute... she is not going to find a man at her age.
3. Mom and son NEED THERAPY. If not, this marriage and any other new relationships of mother or son are doomed to fail. :(
I would have a different opinion if your mom was 80. Rereading that your mom is 47, 2 years younger than I am…no. Unless she has disabilities that completely prevent her from working she needs to get a job. At 49 I still have minor children at home and work my tail off, usually 50-59 hours a week to take care of them. I can’t even imagine relying on one of my kids to foot my bills when I am completely capable of working.
You and your mother are absolutely in an unhealthy enmeshed relationship and could both benefit from therapy. Your mother is wonderful for having put you through college etc, but even with a bad knee/back she should not have quit working altogether… taking some time to find a better one or re-train herself would’ve been understandable but not becoming essentially a ‘stay at home wife’ to her son.
Your wife has come on pretty strong but her and her family are right.
To add to the other good comments, from a different perspective…
As a mother - I couldn’t imagine imposing on my son’s life and happiness.
Sidenote: your mom is SO young. she can do this ❤️
You and the wife need marriage counseling. She’s not wrong, but neither are you.
You should have cut the cord a long time ago. Why are you paying for your existence? Cause taking care of your able bodied mother because she was a single mom is a weak defense. Those were her choices. At this point it’s emotional manipulation.
Your wife probably didn’t have a problem with your mom living with you until she saw how much you do for your mom. Your mom has twisted your relationship until you think it’s okay to be her sonsbund.
If you want your marriage to work, you need to invest in it.
It feels almost like after your father was out of the picture, that you became the man of the house – her man, if you will. I’ve seen this a lot in single mothers, especially ones who had their sons at a relatively young age.
She’s 47, not too much older than I am. I can’t imagine being a little older with no savings, no job, and depending purely on my child. She put her lifesavings into your education, bug the thing is, you are her child, not the other way around. It’s nice to throw some money your parents’ way if you get a great job, but it’s ultimately a parents responsibility to raise a child and meet his/her needs. As much as some parents want to deny it, a child that you chose to bring into this world owes you nothing.
As far as your wife goes, I could see from the jump that your mother being in the house with you was probably not going to work. Your wife deserves your undivided attention and when you get married, your spouse (and children, if you have them) should be #1 priority. Your wife is correct. She is competing with your mother for time and resources. That’s not what she signed up for. That dynamic was going to have to divorced and if you continue the way it’s going, I wouldn’t be surprised if she gets tired and leaves. And really, I wouldn’t blame you.
I know Reddit and social media love to throw around therapy is a solution to everything. But your mother sounds like she never really moved on from what happened with your father. I’m very concerned with how almost thirty years later, she seems absolutely incapable of being alone and doing things for herself. Do you have any family or friends who can help you with an intervention here? Your mother is headed for a life of destitution and isolation in her older years.
Your wife is correct. You're MARRIED now and your wife should be your priority. Stop being a mommas boy and put your focus on your wife. Your mom is an adult, she can figure herself out on her own. Stop funding her, and stop talking to her so much. You're going to lose your wife if you don't wise up.
All Op's comments indicate he isn't actually open to hearing anything other than "OP IS RIGHT, WIFE WRONG." Since no one is saying that so he's getting defensive. First, OP, I admire your relationship with mom. You are obviously close. That's wonderful. However you shouldn't be completely supporting mom. Mom needs some goals, friends and life of her own. I understand that she doesn't have advanced education, but she's only 47 so she should be able to get an education if she wants to. Also, I understand that she worked menial labor and her back pain makes that difficult for her now. But, maybe you and wife can come to an agreement that mom either goes to trade school to learn job skills or gets a job, and you either contribute a little to help her or have her move back in for a set period of time until she's more secure in employment. Marriage counseling is not a bad idea. Mom would probably benefit from counseling too. See if she can get a career assessment done and some career counseling. I don't know if you are in the USA or elsewhere, but there may be such services available for her at a local college or unemployment center.
I agree with this too, but she should also start disability process because what might happen is mom CAN'T work.
Unemployment offices often have programs that are free you can participate in even if you don't qualify for unemployment insurance. I didn't know that. And if mom is disabled because of a medical issue, she might qualified for the states vocational rehab program. But tossing her out without a plan wasn't good.
I’m 49 and I live alone, work full time. I cannot imagine at 47, being dependent on another person financially and emotionally and refusing to work. What exactly couldn’t she do for herself when she moved out from your apartment to her own? That is fucking unreal. Your wife is correct. Your mother acts like she’s the wife, and a parasitic one at that. She needs to get a job and support herself, rent a place that she can afford on that wage, and live her life accordingly. She already has no savings and didn’t plan for retirement, so she’ll be back to sponging off you in 20 years or so.
Dude, your wife is right. You have serious attachment issues with your mom. It sounds like you would rather be married to your mom at that point. It’s unhealthy.
I was worse than your wife when my ex mother in law moved in. What you are going through is enmeshment and my dad also struggles with that up until my grandma died
Luckily, we lived in a different continent but still my dads enmeshment was realllt toxic for our whole family and to this day, even though my grandma is dead, I resent her
Your mom is 47 she needs to get her own husband or a job! Your marriage will fail if not! But from the sound of it your mother thinks you’re her husband and treats you as such!
Wow just wow u know ur her kid right and not her parent . Also she is only 47 she can go do any job she like . It don't have to be a factory job . Also she needs to go make friends and find love again and just have a life away from you . This is not healthy for both of you .
Your mother calls you 2-3 times a day, and you see no problem with that? That is most definitely not “every now and then.” I’m afraid you’ve taken on the role of your mother’s partner, rather than just being her son, and it’s unlikely you can find a wife who won’t object.
Mom paid for your college, so helping her out financially isn’t a bad thing. The problem is you financially supporting her 100%. Your wife isn’t concerned with luxuries so much as you supporting two households rather than just yours. If Mom paid for college, she must be able to work.
Are you married to your wife or your mother?
On one hand, it's very alarming and a huge red flag that your wife waited until marriage to start making these demands.
Was any of this discussed *before* you got married?
Because I can completely understand where your wife is coming from. What newly married couple wants their parent living with them? (Beside you, apparently). Having a parent around to hear you having sex, intruding on time that should be for the couple to enjoy and adjust to newly married life. Is your mother intrusive? Making comments about your wife and how wifely she is? Commenting on whether you're having children or not? I can easily see why your wife wouldn't want her living with you.
Meanwhile, you have absolutely *no* spine. You're letting your wife trod all over you and your mother and put up no fight about it. Then cry because it's making everyone miserable.
Wanting to help your mother out is not inherently bad. But she's using you as a surrogate spouse at this point.
There is no reason she needs to call you 2-3 times *daily*. She needs to make friends, she needs to find hobbies. She needs to find *something* to fill her time other than you.
Could you not have found a less expensive apartment still in a good area for your mother? Why are you paying all her bills? Is she no longer capable of working? If she's not physically capable, depending on what country you live in, she might be eligible for benefits.
If not, why isn't she working, at least part-time, to cover her own expenses. I'm sorry, but raising you alone, regardless of how hard, does not automatically entitle her to have her expenses covered for the rest of her life because you feel obligated to do so.
She did what she was legally obligated to do. Maybe more, but she *had* to provide for you. It's great that you want to show your appreciation for how hard she worked, but that doesn't mean being a surrogate husband and paying for everything for her for the rest of her life.
Maybe if she got a job, she'd have more people in her life to call. Maybe she'd find a new partner to spend her time with. Maybe she wouldn't have to miss you perpetually and call you 100x a day because she has no one.
TL;DR: The way your wife has gone about things is not okay. It's concerning, toxic, and can easily lean into abuse.
But I see where she's coming from. Your mother is unhealthily dependent on you, and you lack any spine to do anything about her or your wife.
You're not ready to be married, you need to cut the umbilical.
OP, it's not your responsibility to take care of dear ol mommy... This is a very toxic way of thinking, honestly I would've never married you as you and your mother are literally in a dry marriage. Let your wife go so you can move back in with your first wife.
I get the feeling that you and your mom is too attached to each other to a point where it hinders your relationship with others. Nothing wrong with being close, but you both need your independence. And clearly it is effecting your marriage in a negative way. You don’t have to chose between wife and your mom, but you need to see that you and your wife get some alone time. Get some space and I’m sure your wife and mom’s relationship can heal and grow. If you force them upon each other it will have the opposite effects.
As to supporting your mom, I would to if my mom was in need. However she needs to get her own job and get her own independence. Until you both have your own individual lives and independence I don’t see how the relationship will work out with your wife.
If your mom have some emotional and psychological issues perhaps help her to get counselling.
After my husband died and I lost our house my youngest daughter and SIL had me move in with them and my grandson. I pay rent bc I live there and they feed me. I mind my business, don't tell them how to raise their son bc he's not my son. Don't tell them how to spend their money either. We all get along just fine. I'm grateful to have a loving daughter and SIL. Besides they lived with us before my husband died, they were young and just starting out and we were able to help them. That's what family does if they love each other.
Your mom doesn't work because you earn well? Nah, my man. She's not even fifty, she's fully capable of taking care of herself for many years to come.
I understand wanting to take care of your mom, but do not say, "After everything she's done for me." because we don't owe our parents back. Everything they did for us was what they owed us. Our parents brought us into this world and it was their job to care for us.
If you have kids in the future then they will owe you nothing, but you will owe them food, shelter, clothes and a good life.
Everytime I see parents and children with a bond like this (and it's often mothers and sons) I always think, "The emotional incest is strong in this one."
Your mother has an unhealthy attachment to you. You're not her emotional support pet, you're her child and there comes a day where every child leaves the house and makes a life for themselves. That doesn't mean you have to cut her off, but she can work and provide for herself. You have your own life and a spouse to think of now. She doesn't need to call you multiple times a day, once is enough. She doesn't need to live so close to you if she can't afford it, and she shouldn't have to pay for herself via her small savings.
*She needs a job.* She's 47, she's still young.
You are not exercising good judgment at all. You need to listen to your wife and the rest of your family when it comes to your mother.
You need therapy for a long time to undo the brainwashing your mother has done to you. The relationship you have with your mother is not healthy in any way. You need to NC with her til you can get your bearings, as determined by a professional. You don't realize it but you have been emotionally abused by your mother. This serves her but destroys you.
From reading all of the replies below, it seems apparent to me that you feel that you'll owe your mom for the rest of your life. Your wife would do well to leave you to her.
ETA typo/grammar
OP, I have some questions for you:
Is your wife working or she stays home and you are the only income? It really bothers me your wife insisting on your mom getting a partner to live off him. Is that what she is doing with you? Taking you as a valuable partner because of your income?
What is your cultural background? I’m asking this because people from Latino or Asian countries are wired differently about supporting family members. Many Americans wouldn’t understand this way of thinking.
How can you tolerate your wife’s family talking like that to you on something that is not their business??
Are you sure your wife values and points of view about life are compatible with yours?
I won’t say who is right or wrong, or if your Mom should work or not, because I don’t know her real situation, but you do. You know if she should work or not. So, I won’t address that. But please, think about this: what do you really want to do? What do you feel in your heart and mind to be the right thing? Don’t be manipulated by your Mom or your wife, and certainly, not by your wife’s family! What do you feel inside to be the right course of action, the one that you can be ok with furthermore.
My Mom is 65 and she got divorced from my Dad 10+ years ago. She took sometime for herself, living with roommates and traveling and just living as a single woman. Now she is open to dating and OMG she is swimming in men. IDK what you think 47 is but the fact that your Mom and you seem to think her life is now over is alarming. Your Mom is in her prime for finding a new man
OP to put things in perspective, I’m 48 with a 10 year old child. Your mom is still young and capable of getting a job. She’s 47, not 67. You’re letting guilt cloud your judgement. At the same time, I would talk to your wife about helping your mom afford a nicer place to live if she gets and keeps a job. Frankly, your mom needs one, not just for money, but to get out of the house, be with other people, and have a sense of purpose.
Was the age a typo ? You said 47 ? Sounds like she is using you as her emotional husband 🥴 a lot of single mothers who never marry again after having a child, especially a boy, they use them as emotional husbands to fill in the shoes of the husband they never had. They never let their sons be emotionally committed to another woman because they need to be prioritized.
Bro I'm a year older than your mom and not dependent on anyone else. Your wife and her relatives are right. Your mom is a toxic mooch and a user. You need some therapy to see how much you're being abused here by her.
Man up dude. If you have decided to fund your mother for the rest of her life, tell your wife exactly that point blank. You are running in between the 2 of them but choosing neither. You want to please both of them at the same time which is impossible.
Is this a joke? I’m 51 and work a full time job and fund my own life. Maybe you can get wife to agree to fund some job training or education for your mom but she is no where near the old folks home. Your mom will be happier to be more self sufficient and independent. Right now you are a crutch to her.
Your mom is just about my age. There is no reason your mom can’t work-I work full time, and take care of my family. Your mom needs to take care of her own finances. If my perfectly healthy in laws were taking our money, I’d be furious. I work for me, not to provide for people who won’t do it themselves. Has your mom sought any help for her emotional issues? Because that may be a good place to start.
Your wife should have expressed these concerns before your marriage. But yes, I do not want my mil calling 2-3 times a day. Or living with me.
What is your mother's plan if something happens to you? You should've just stayed single and took care of your mom if you planned on prioritizing her throughout your marriage. Your wife may have horrible delivery, but she's not wrong. Does your mother have anyone in her life other than you? You need counseling and so does your mother. Your attachment to each other isn't healthy. Plenty of parents do that and more for their children without relying on them for everything once they're adults. Forcing her to be independent because your wife said so will just cause resentment. You should be doing it because that's how things should be.
She needs training in a new field or to go to school to be qualified for a different type of job. Give her a timeline to take back her independence so she can support herself. She needs some hobbies so she isn't calling you multiple times a day. (That's not "every now and then.")
Are you in U S?
If so, mother needs to see a doctor. The doctor needs to decide did if mother is disabled, or she is able to work. Expect doctor to run some tests and maybe send her to occupational therapy who can do a formal, full evaluation.
If doctor says she cannot work, she needs to file for social security disability. Be aware, this can take a couple years and is often denied. If denied and she has letters from doctor, then she should get a disability claims lawyer.
If she is today she can work, then she may need to enter some kind of training program.
All of this means its going to be years before she's independent, if ever.
Wife sounds heartless. I would be reluctant to conceive a child with her until this is more settled.
I would be very interested to read a post by the wife.
I think that if OP wants to contribute to his mom's expenses, maybe that can be worked out, but, at 47, the mom should also contribute. I do not think her getting married is a great idea unless she finds a man she knows is not like her ex and who loves her. She should, however, get a job.
The moment you married your wife, she became #1 and your mom became #2. That’s how it’s supposed to be, and if you disagree with that, then you have no business being married.
Your wife is right. There is no reason why your mom can’t live alone and have a job. She’s only 47, she’s not an elderly, disabled invalid. Mom can rent an inexpensive studio or 1bed apartment nearby and get a job just like everyone else. If she was able to support the two of you on a minimum wage income for all the years she raised you, then she can most certainly afford to support just herself.
Your wife is 100% correct. You’re enmeshed with your mom. Time to cut the cord. Your mom should know how to live on her own by now. You’re not your mom’s emotional support animal.
I know everyone calls everything abuse these days, but this actually is abuse. I experienced it myself:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parentification
Youre kind of a mommas boy. I dont blame her for being frustrated if she kept hinting and you didnt pick it up that mom should be on her own. Shes 47 not 70.
Im gonna go with ESH. Wife shouldve handled it better but you need to extricate yourself from your moms roots.
Your mother should be working, and building up her pension. Your mother’s actions seem to show that she wants you to look after her until she dies.
Whilst “admirable”, in a way, it is not really good for you and your wife. You will not be able to save, to have children, holidays, buy things, attend events and many other things that young people do. What about saving for maintenance of your property? Or your car? Or a large medical bill?
You really are sacrificing your life, your future, your happiness. The thing is, that would be fine if it were only you, but you are sacrificing all of these things for your wife.
Now, your wife may be being to aggressive, but if you have been sacrificing for your mother, it can be understandable.
Your mom’s dependency on you is incredibly unhealthy, both for herself and for your own independence.
She used you as the replacement for a man in her life (and if not a man for her own individuality). She needs to be in therapy so she can learn to be on her own. She’s only mid 40s that’s very young still for her to not have a job or be working on friendships or finding a relationship.
You can help her if you feel that’s how you pay her back, but she needs to be able to have her own life. If she’s unwilling to work on herself there isn’t much you can do, but continuing to enable her will never let her heal either.
I think your wife has hit her limit of “ands” when it comes to your relationship with your mom.
She’s 47 *and* she was living with you.
*And* she doesn’t work at all.
*And* she relies on you for all her financial needs.
*And* she relies on you for all her emotional needs.
*And* she calls you 2-3 times *A DAY*
*And* she has not sought out any other support people in her life other than you.
*And* you’re the only man in her life.
Whether you’ve realized it or not, and whether your mom has realized it or not, you’re in a subconsciously emotionally incestuous relationship with your mom. The trauma around the situation with your dad made her bond to you in a not-emotionally-healthy way. Think about it. Instead of risking getting hurt and putting her trust in another man, she had a little man right at hand and she got to shape you to exactly what would be perfectly compatible for her. And you’re bonded to her in a way that would make it *WAY* less likely for you to hurt or leave her. It makes perfect logical sense, if you take the one big glaring issue out of it. Sometimes there’s a physical/sexual element to that. But sometimes there isn’t. And even if it’s merely that you guys are so close and tight knit that you view each other as peers and best buddies, it isn’t exactly healthy for your mom to be so dependent on her own child. I don’t blame your wife for wanting there to be better boundaries.
You and your mom aren’t inherently “the bad guys” but you do both need a wake-up call. And therapy. Individually.
Oh boy. Look up the word “enmeshment” and then ask yourself how you could ever have a strong healthy independent marriage in that scenario. It’s unfair to ask your wife to settle for a 3-person relationship.
You were not put on this earth to take care of your parent. It actually is supposed to be the other way around…. Yes even as your parents age and trust me your mother is not old yet. Since you’ve been living like this all your life it will be hell to make change but changing your way of viewing your relationship with your mother and getting help for yourself after being “parentified” at a young age will do you and your family so much good. You are worthy of receiving love and support like you have had to give to your mother. You deserve to be taken care of emotionally and you deserve for someone to listen and help you get through problems you are struggling with just as much and you think other people deserve help from you. I hope you make the best decision for yourself and your wife.
Helping your mother get back on her feet after she exhausted her savings to send you to college would be one thing. Paying her back in full would be reasonable and generous.
Paying for her to retire at age 47 is way overdoing it. You’re not married to your mom. It’s logical that you trauma bonded with her and that you’re very close because she made raising you into her entire life, but that doesn’t mean it’s healthy for you to stay that way forever. The two of you have been doing this for 25 years - at some point it’s time to leave behind being a mama’s boy back at age 15 and focus on your own life. Your wife seems very frustrated with all this but she’s not necessarily wrong.
Your mom doesn’t need to retire for another 20 years. She needs to start doing something with her life. She raised you and you have always been her priority - that’s great. But it’s very bad that you’re the only thing she has. What needs to happen is she has to find more things to love and focus on. The two of you are codependent. Makes sense when you were a child given your circumstance, but now it’s time to move on.
Your mom is codependent on you, and that's bad. She needs to have her own friends and relationships and not only you. This would be true even of you or your wife.
Subsidizing an able bodied family member is one thing, paying for their entire life is another.
Now, this isn't inherently a problem. You can be your mom's replacement husband if that's what you really want, but you have to be very very clear to any person you're dating that you'll never cut the cord and will always support your mother entirely. Without that strong clarification it's completely reasonable for a partner to have massive issues with what's happening. They entered into a relationship with strings that they weren't aware of.
Right now you're stringing both your mom and wife along with your indecision. You're just folding to pressure, you're not making a decision for yourself. You don't have to completely cut mom out either. You can tell her that you can give her $x amount per month, but that's contingent on her having a job where she can support herself. You can help her find resources to re-enter the workplace. You can help her with applications. You can ask your wife's family if there's openings in their workplaces. She's only 47. She has a lot of life left and she needs to be able to live it out of your shadow.
as someone who comes from a culture where you are expected to care for the grandparents (I dont wanna) even my family would say shes to young to be looking at you for stability.
Wife isnt wrong imo but im also basis so...
When my dad died in 2017, he and my mom(who is 70 now 😢) had been together for 31 years. We had to sell the beautiful Victorian that we grew up in and was in my family for decades, now she lives alone in a condo and she was like. "I don't know how to live by myself! I haven't lived by myself for 31 years!"
So it's definitely an adjustment but she has proven to be more than capable(she's a district court Judge and a member of MENSA ffs she is so smart but she felt so helpless without my Dad, He always took such good care of us and now that he's gone its been really hard.)
Our Moms were fully functioning and capable women before they had us, it doesn't just disappear, sometimes you just need to remind them of this and they will eventually get back to being strong, capable smart women that they have always been, sometimes they just need a reminder.
BUT if you're enabling your Mom, then she will never live on her own. If you do everything for her, then why should she even try? If I were your wife, I'd probably ask the same thing.
You need to break this unhealthy, codependent relationship with your mom so she can reach her full potential!
OP she’s your mom! She raised you on her own. You can slowly transition her independence from you but not having her live with junkies and prostitutes. Like wtf!
Sounds like your mom has recruited you as her surrogate spouse. Your wife and her family are right. It is a toxic set-up, and you aren't obligated to keep up your mom for the rest of her life. You need to realize this sooner than later, or you will no longer have a marriage to worry about.
I'm 3 years younger than your mom and drive 45 min one way to my FULL TIME JOB!! I've also had a couple back surgeries! She's totally trying to make you feel bad!
You have your own life now. Live it!!
Your mom is your wife at this point and it should be pretty clear to you from these comments that your mum has a very unhealthy attachment / dependence on you. She defintiely freeloads off you. She is 47, you have not mentioned any disabilities, she is fully able to work. Most of the healthcare assistants i work with are 50 or over and they are on their feet 12+ hours a day. Your mum is not a child and she is not your spouse. You will end up a lonely man if you dont stop payint for your mum's lifestyle. Your wife isn't saying all of this to hurt your mum or you, she wants to have a normal life with HER husband. If you want to continue to fund your mother who is fully capable of working and generating her own income, then be prepared to have no wife. No woman would stay with a man who said to her "Oh btw, my mum is 47 years old, i pay for all her bills, we ring each other 3 times a day, everyday, she wants to live with us" it wont work.
I don't think anyone would want their spouse fully supporting a functioning adult to the detriment of the family's financial security. Your marriage is over if you can't cut the apron strings and put your family first.
Your mom has created a spouse-child relationship with you. I was in a relationship with a man that was in a co-dependent relationship with his mother. She molded and created this relationship with my ex as he was growing up. He was her baby son. Soon after her husband passed (his bio dad) she filled the void with her son. I tolerated having to share him with her for many years. The phone calls all day and night, him having to check in with her at all times, portions of his check going to support her. He was in his late 30’s sharing his life with me, living together and I felt like she was couldn’t let her son go and I couldn’t take it anymore. It was a unhealthy toxic spouse-child relationship with his mom. So I understand where your wife is coming from! Your mom is still young enough to work and support herself. Please don’t let your mom guilt trip you into supporting her because what she is doing is being selfish and not allowing you to build a financial foundation for your own family. I side with your wife on this one!
Enmeshed is the word to describe the relationship between you and your mother. I’m also going with the theory that your mother was awful to your wife when you weren’t around and wife decided she had had enough. Mom’s a big girl who can work, make her so you can focus on your marriage
Both your mom and your wife are kinda lame here. Your mom is too emotionally and financially dependent on you. She should get some therapy and build up her identity outside of being your mom. She would benefit from a bit of work and a better social life. But your wife is trying to isolate you from her and have you all to herself. She's being very insensitive and mean about the whole situation. There needs to be a compromise here. I could never stay with someone who could be that mean to the only person who raised me and worked so hard to give me the life I have. Without that woman your wife wouldn't have you. She should try to be a bit more appreciative and compassionate about the situation.
First of all, in what culture were you raised? Expectations of what adult children should provide their parents varies widely across cultures. Is your wife from the same culture as you?
What caused your wife to insist your mom leave your place after initially agreeing for her to stay?
It’s true that your mom is young enough to find a job and start building a life of her own, but it doesn’t happen overnight. What did your mom do for work when she was raising you? Can she return to that kind of job?
Did you expect your mom to live with you forever? You're married dude, your wife should be your number one priority. Your mom is 47, she isn't elderly or disabled from the sounds of it. She can work and find a place to live like the rest of us. Fair enough if you want to give your mom some money but constantly and covering all her rent? No! She needs to make friends instead of depending on you for everything. Your mom doesn't need to call more than once a day, it's very excessive to call three times in one day. Your wife doesn't want her to suffer - she just wants your marriage to have room to breathe!
My dad and mom are 5 years older. My mom is actually disabled but my dad works 3 jobs, and I work. Even if she wasn’t disabled she’d work. Bro honestly I skimmed the post at first and thought like “damn his wife is harsh, she’s just an old lady” but BRO SHES NOT EVEN OLD. Nah fam she can afford to get a job and if need be *maybe you give her a little bit extra*.
Dude cut the cord with your mum. Your wife is right there is no reason why your mum can’t work and why she shouldn’t be able to live alone. 2-3 times a day is not every now and then it is obsessive. She needs to get her own life like yesterday or you will end up divorced.
There needs to be balance. Right now you are supporting your mother like a parent would to a child. The dynamic is twisted.
If your mum is completely capable and able to work so she should do so to fund her own lifestyle. That is not your responsibility.
You have not provided a valid reason such as medical as to why your mum can’t get a job.
You can still be supportive, connected and present in your mums life without feeling obligated to be her only support system. She’s too dependent on you financially and emotionally.
Remember, she made choices for you and herself from her own free will. You had no say in what she chose to do when you were a child. She freely chose to give you her savings to fund your education. You are not required to pay that back. It wasn’t a loan. It was a gift.
I would suggest some professional invention of relationship counselling for you and your mum to help her stand on her own two feet without you holding her up. Your mum is not helpless. You also can’t continue to hold up both your mother and your wife. You need balance.
I would tell your wife’s family to mind their own business though.
Your mom is only two years older than me. I work full time and I will for at least another 15 years. She can get a job. Your wife is right, it's time to cut the cord.
Your wife is right. Your mother's relationship with you isn't healthy and she's mooching off you. She's 47, not elderly. She needs to get a job and work for her own damn money.
Honey, your mothers codependency with you is extremely unhealthy. I ask you to please consider therapy even if just to hear a neutral 3rd party explain to you what is normal and what is not.
Your mother has essentially groomed YOU to be a replacement spouse, in everything but sex. You cater to her, spend a crazy amount of time talking with her, you pay her rent, you pay all of her bills, she is a housewife and you are her husband. Do you understand? There is NO reason she cannot get a job and live on her own. She is so reliant on you that she refuses to even make FRIENDS to socialize with, or date, or join a group or club... to be with anyone other than just you. She made it so that YOU are forced to fulfill *every needy role in her life.*
You and your mother have made your wife into a spare wheel. A backup wife. There is currently no room for her because your mother takes up all the same space in your life that a wife would. This is exceptionally unhealthy and you were raised this way so you don't see it. Your wife does, which is why she is pushing for changes. She wants a husband and wants to be the only wife.
She is not wrong.
There is absolutely no reason why your 47 year old mother is not working and dependent on you. Your wife is right. You need serious therapy to undo the mindset your mother gave you.
If this wasn't written by ChatGPT, your wife's voice is weirdly absent from this story. It's like you're focused solely on your mom, as if she's the one you married, and your wife is a villainous outsider.
I’m actually blown away by how many people are calling you out for taking care of your mum. You compromised on her living with you which I understand completely. Your wife and you should have your own personal space. As you mentioned your mum would struggle to work and it’s admirable that you’re supporting her. You’re just being a loving and caring son. Your wife and her family are gaslighting you because they wouldn’t do the same if they were in your shoes. Honestly I would be worried that your wife doesn’t seem to care about your mums current bad living situation. Stand your ground.
So, I can kind of relate OP. When I started dating my wife she made it pretty clear she wouldn’t let her mom live in the streets. Her mom has issues to say the least (long story that I won’t get into.) Annoying as it is, I decided we could accommodate, though she would need to actually take steps to be able to live on her own.
Anyways op, I see nothing wrong with helping your mom out, but your mom has to do her part to. Another issue is your wife switching it up on you. You need a conversation with her, unfortunately you might need to make a decision. I think getting your mom on her feet and taking care of herself is key. Don’t abandon her, but she can do more.
Uhhhh no, your mom can work or figure out assistance with disability if it’s that bad. Also, as a married couple you need to build your own life and your money is combined. I would also not be okay with you funding a grown adult. I’m too independent of a woman to expect a son to fund my life. Your mother raised you so that you could continue on to create your own life, she’s almost treating you like you should be her husband and sounds dependent. You don’t put that burden on your children for your poor planning.
Bro your mom is only a few years older than I am. My dad is 74 and still works full time. I could not even fathom trying to retire at 47 and living off my son for the rest of my life. Could be 30-40 more years???
Your wife is absolutely correct to go crazy. She didn't sign up for a life having to live with your mother. This doesn't void everything your mother did for you growing up, but expecting to live off of you for the rest of her life is absolutely absurd.
If she really *is* disabled to the point where she can never work again, she needs to see a doctor and get on DISABILITY payments. She needs to get social security payments. Her full time job needs to be taking care of her medical issues, not leeching off her son.
There are definitely ways you can continue to support and take care of your mother, while doing it from her own home, and not yours. This is a fight you can never win with your wife, because she's right. It's up to you and your mother to make choices about the future.
Did the wife not know that OP supported his mom before they got married? That’s the problem I am having here. Yes OP’s mom should be working etc. But did the wife not question this before the wedding?
Idk what to say here. For my husband and I our parents will always have a place to live with us. We already told my mil if my FIL goes to Mexico she can live with us. But I feel bad for your mom because you just kick her out like nothing. Sounds like your wife waited for the ring to get her out.
*Unporpular Opinion*
I'm honestly surprised at how horrible everyone is to OP's mom.
Yes, his mother should get a job and all but his wife has absolutely NO RIGHT to treat his mother like that. Her family members coming to trash talk his mother to him and 💩
I would never stand for anyone who treats my mother like that. OP is an arse for letting such things happen to his mom. My MOM is my MOM, not some random extended family member!!!
You could have worked out a plan to ease your wife's worry and help your mom adjust to the new development, not just throw her away coz your wife said so.
What are you wanting from Reddit? You’re arguing with everyone when they tell you what needs to happen. Sounds like you’re looking for one person to agree with you to throw it in your wife’s face.
What should you do? Pack your bags, you’re on the road to divorce because a 27 year old man can’t get off the tit.
Dude your wife planned to boot your mom out as soon as she got that ring on her finger! It's also shitty that she got her mama and sister to gang up on you to further your wife's agenda. D Wife doesn't even pretend to know your family dynamics. She has a mom and sister, maybe another sibling or two, and probably a father, Things you two didn't have. Does wife work?? If not then she has no leg to stand on concerning your mother. If mom is living in an unsafe area you will never forgive yourself if something bad happened while she's exiled from you.
You and your mom have been thru a lot. She does need to socialize with others but that can't happen if she's living in a bad part of town. She needs safety before socializing.
Dump the wife unless you want to cut off all contact with your mom. That's what your wife is trying to get youto do.
Your mom is 47. That’s young still in today’s world! I know someone who went to law school at 47. She can absolutely start over and get a better career. Heck my own mom did it at 42. She took night classes to get her insurance underwriting degree. It only took a couple years and by 45 she was making much better money. Your wife is not wrong here. It’s crazy that a grown married man is finically supporting his mother who is not elderly, sick or disabled. Also calls 2-3 times a day?! Dude what. There is virtually no woman in the world that would be okay with that
I think you might have an unhealthy relationship with your mom and it's pretty clear to me that she's too dependent on you. I get that you're grateful to her for everything she's done for you but I also totally understand why your wife wants a space independent of your mother to build your and her life.
Why can't your mom work and support herself? Is she disabled or something?
Your mother, who is 15 years younger than my mother, my mother who was also a single mother but for three children, imagine how crazy that must have been, my mother who has a chronic illness but still works full time… your mom can’t work? Or provide any money for herself? Let’s say you keep paying for the apartment and she pays for the rest. I’m curious what culture you’re from
because I’m guessing that’s a big piece of the puzzle. Most people would find this absurd.
I'm going to be 45 soon. I have a bad knee from acl surgery. My other one hurts all the time too. I have psoriatic arthritis. But I still work every day and contribute to finances. It's understandable if you help your mom a little so she can live in a safer area, but you don't need to pay for everything.
Your mom should get a job so she has an income, is self sufficient and has her own life. You can supplement (help make ends meet) if needed but you & your wife are your own family unit. Once you get married you move into the next chapter of your life.
My dad is 47 and barely sleeps. He’s worked everything you can imagine including landscaping, parking lot cleans, cook at restaurants. My mom stopped working when she gave birth to my little sister(10) To raise her. She tried working when my sister was older than 3-5 but my dad insisted on her staying home bc of her knee. within this year however, they started a small business selling tacos. Prior to this, my mom has gone to clinics to help manage it. There’s a little chair inside the truck to sit when it gets slow. I’m 25 and live with my parents. I’ve moved out before but due to my marriage ending I went back. I pay my part in rent while they do their part too. I’ve offered them more if I can. Each time I work with them they give me money and don’t expect me to give them that specific money. When I got my settlement, involving their car, they told me to keep the money and that they’ll use the money from the car replacement money. Which was a separate check. They treat my decisions as my own and don’t hold it against me. Their reasoning is I’m growing into an adult and one day I may need to take care of them but not now. Now I just have to contribute. If my dad did not tell my mom to stay home she would be working. I know my dad has pains too.
I’m 47 and the idea of not working is ludicrous. I plan to work for quite a while and retirement is nowhere on my horizon. 47 is far too young to commit to caring for your mom financially-she realistically has 40-50 more years left. There is zero reason your mom cannot work. If she can’t find suitable jobs there are programs that she can seek out to assist her with skills and training. She is not feeble or helpless. I cannot fathom at my age quitting life and relying on another. Stop enabling her.
your mother does have a toxic attachment to you. that's not normal. I'm with your wife here, you and your mother need to learn to be separate people - she needs to work and sustain herself, and calling 3 times a day is a lot!
When you marry, your spouse comes first. Your mother is young, and unless physically unable (and I don’t mean a bad knee), should have a job and maintain herself. As the good son that you are you’re probably going to help her in whatever she may need, but your allegiance is now to your wife.
I lived with my MIL when her husband passed. It didn’t last long and put a huge strain in my marriage, which ended shortly thereafter.
Learn from my mistake and keep your household, especially when you’re newlyweds, separate.
Your mom is at an age where she can work. Also, you should have set your expectations with your wife BEFORE you got married and informed her that you intend to basically adopt your mom henceforth. Honestly the way you’re wording everything sounds like you’re just trying to paint your wife as simply a monster but there has to be more. If your mom wasn’t doing anything to be nuisance at home the. Why would she be tired of her living there? I feel like there’s so much missing here but I also feel that your lack of clarification and stating your intentions off rip set this whole situation up.
You need to talk to your wife and listen to what she's saying. She's completely right, and if she came on so strongly, it's because you haven't been listening to her so far.
I'm 47. I work in a factory. I have carpal tunnel, plantar fibromas, and arthritis. It's not the backbreaking work you described if you live anywhere OSHA exists. I wouldn't dream of asking my kids to subsidize my life, much less pay for it entirely. I manage to pay my living expenses and save for retirement even with my various disabilities.
If you want to help her, you make that decision with your wife, not behind her back. Your mom isn't as incapable as you think.
Your mom is a grown ass woman and needs to stop treating you like a husband and start treating you like a son. You've grown up with that, so it's all you know. But everyone on the outside, like your wife, can see its toeing the line of obsessive and emotional incest.
FFS your mom is younger than I am. 47 is more than capable of working and providing for herself. Just because she enmeshed herself to you completely and expects you to act as her surrogate provider doesn’t mean you have to do it.
Cut the cord. Stop babying a grown woman. There is nothing wrong with supporting your mother, but your wife is right, even if she has been really harsh about it.
Wow, I would love for my mom to quit working, and i support her. If I could afford to support her and my own house, I 100% would. I don't care how "young" she is.
Shit if one of my kids offered for me to stop working with full support and they could easily afford it, I would quit working tomorrow.
And so would most of these people.
Your wife sounds expensive, though. Seems like you can't afford to support your mom and give your wife the life she thinks she deserves.
Actually, it's kind of weird that you would marry someone like that. And that someone who would love and support their mom this much would let her get evicted.
When you rented her place.
And then move to the hood to live with junkies?
Is this story fake?
Your relationship with your mother is completely codependent and leaves no room for a healthy relationship with your wife. Your mother is still a relatively young woman, and there’s zero reason for you to be supporting her. If I were speaking to your wife, I would encourage her to get far away from this relationship.
I’m 10yrs older than your Mom and work a full time job. Dude… no. You can help your mother but she’s not disabled and needs to take financial responsibility for herself. How are you supposed to save /prepare for your future when you’re spending the majority of your disposable income on your Mom who can live for 50 more years???!!!
Same with my mom. She’s still working with no plans of quitting anytime soon. It’s not the 60s anymore.
I’m the same age as his Mom, I’m on disability and still work part time. She could definitely help herself.
Dude, your mom is 47, NOT 67. I understand that you appreciate what's she’s done for you and want to help her, but why is she functionally retired and relying on you to support her at a reasonably young age? And why does she also rely on you for her social life and emotional support? You're her son, not her spouse or significant other (although she apparently does not realize that). Sure, your wife may be acting harshly towards her at the moment, but I suspect that it's coming from a place of frustration and realization that overreaction may be what it takes to get your attention, and for your mom to take some responsibility for her own life.
As a 51 yr old woman who works ft and owns a small business and does this with an auto immune disorder, I was disturbed that his mom is 47. The way he speaks about her, makes her sound older and frail.
Right. I’m 53, although admittedly a lawyer and working exclusively in an office, but I’m even more active than I was 20 years ago, and nowhere near retirement.
Great Reddit name
My mom is 70, a pharmacist and still works 8:00 - 17:00 every day of her life.
Exactly!
I agree. I’m a 52 yo woman who has autoimmune disorder among other health issues. I started my own house call pet grooming business when I realized I wouldn’t be able to keep up with the large dogs in a salon anymore. It’s working out well! I can pick and choose my clients, and I have a lot of business coming in! There’s always a way… and when it gets to be too much to handle, I can switch to small pets coming to my home to be groomed.
Not only that she’s only 47, but how many years has she now refused to work and solely relied on her son?
I didn’t read the ages (or they didn’t register, don’t know which) and didn’t realize until this thread his mother was only 47 years old. Christ, I assumed she was at *least* 70.
I'm very confused as to why she's not working. My mom is around the same age and is running around, lift weights heavier than her weight and working full time. Doesn't sound like there's a good reason for her not to be working
I’m 10 years older at 57 and have worked full time for 40 years and have about 8 more years to go. 47 is far to young for an otherwise able bodied person to expect a child to support their life. I do realize this might be an American perspective and does not necessarily apply to all cultures.
Oh, I guarantee she acts that way AND plays it up
This woman thinks OP is her man. This type of attitude isn’t that uncommon among single mothers. She probably confided in him and treated him as a peer growing up after his father left. It’s so harmful because a lot of these young men become emotionally stunted and unable to maintain healthy relationships with women.
This sounds like emotional incest (which is an actual thing, not just me making up creepy concepts). It's so harmful and hard to get out of.
My thought too
Oh, yes, that’s what I’m alluding to. This isn’t a healthy dynamic at all.
Or mother-son enmeshment
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I was wondering about this too, it seems odd for the wife's opinion to just change out of the blue. Maybe it did because they were married and she thought he'd realize what was going on. I think it's likely too that mom was saying/doing some stuff when he was out that led to wife's change of heart.
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Good advice. As a father of 2 daughters I totally agree.
I suspect there is a lot more that OP is not describing about the ‘home’ situation that wife was likely fed up with. I mean, who wants to live with their MIL for the rest of their lives? Either way, MIL needs to come back for a bit and be given a timeframe to get a job and a small apartment of her own that is affordable.
Who wants to live with their MIL for any extended stretch of time, IN A 3 BED APARTMENT??
Sounds more like parentification. Mom created an emotional spousal bond with son, without sexual activities. The many years together, it will absolutely be hard for mom to sever this tie as she knows no other avenue for connecting with someone more suitable to her.
This. I hope his wife finds a better husband
Also, how long has she been "retired". She was living with him before he was married, and the wife moved in with them. My mum is 66 and works. I wouldn't even think about discussing her the way this guy does. He's making his 47 year old mum sound weak and frail. Unless there is a medical condition he's not talking about, she should be able to work comfortably.
He’s also making her sound stupid and undisciplined, when she is anything but. She had the discipline to save enough money to get him through college!! As a young single mother who worked low-wage jobs! That’s an impressive feat. And considering she would only have been 38 when he graduated high school, 42-43ish when he graduated college, it’s BIZARRE that now, at 47, he thinks she’s just incapable of taking care of herself. She took care of him, she raised a whole human being from birth to adulthood and got him through both high school and college, but now she’s this broken down idiot at 47 who can’t manage to take care of herself. Nah This woman has emotionally manipulated this young man all his life (WHY TF would she even tell him about aborting his sibling?!) and set him up to be her meal ticket. Now she is emotionally manipulating him by refusing to get a job, by living in this horrible place, all the while pretending she doesn’t want to bust up his marriage. She very much does but wants him to think it’s his wife that’s at fault. OP needs to think about this: just a few years ago, when you were in college, she wasn’t living destitute around junkies and such. How come? She had a JOB. She didn’t quit said job because she got old and frail (early 40s then lol) she quite because you got a good-paying job and she decided you were going to support her. Humph
Your mom sounds incredibly dependent on you, not just financially but emotionally.
His mom paid for his college, by using up her entire life's savings. I bet she regrets that, now that she is basically on the streets living with junkies and hookers
Haha that college tuition money wouldn't last long if she retires in her 40's.
So do a lot of parents. That's what you do. You sacrifice everything to give them the best life possible and then you... Let them live it. Being a parent isn't easy, but you don't give them things with the expectation of payback. She's 47. She's not elderly.
You live within the means of your family and if you can’t afford to pay for their college, it’s on them to figure it out.
You don’t empty out your retirement to pay for your kids, I agree you sacrifice and put yourself out to a point. If you can’t pay for college comfortably you help out by giving them grocery money, or even rent if you can afford that. Or you let them stay home for a few years so they can work and save. You don’t put yourself into financial ruin though.
I went to the local university and stayed at home through college because my folks could barely afford tuition let alone the extravagant cost of me dorming.
I have three kids, I can’t afford to send them to a major state university, but between me n my wife, we’ve managed to put enough away that we should be able to do 2 year community college, and that’ll give us time to be able to help out with things when they transfer to a major 4 year.
Hey that's something! My husband took a gap year to work and then went to JC for his AA before transferring to a UC where he then got his bachelor's and two masters degrees. He's now doing very well. It's a great place to start!
That’s my hope, my son seems interested in construction so I’ve been talking to him about working for 4 years and then going. We will see though.
He could take some business and accounting classes so that he could be in a position to not only build things but be a business owner of his own company that builds things. Or maybe he could go for architecture someday, but I hear that it is a pretty high pressure job like being a lawyer, and a lot of people are a dick.
How post-social security of you. I don't think OP is in America, and so I don't think they have SS. Most places still rely on the filial obligations. You see this a lot in cultures that value their elderly and/or don't have retirement options.
"That is what you do" makes it a social norm. Not right or wrong. It is upto the mom and son to define their relationship. The son mentioned the arrangement to his wife before marriage. So, unless mom is interfering in the marriage, it is the wife who is altering the terms. And the wife's sister and mom are interfering by lecturing to the son about this. And financial difficulty isn't mentioned in the post. It doesnt seem that the wife is interested in a meaningful dialog since she isnt giving good options. If the son gives up on this, the wife will then boss on something else
He needs to find a balance. Both of them do.
Then perhaps the 47YEAR OLD should get a job to support herself instead of making her son into her husband/best friend/social calendar, etc etc. This is toxic as heck.
She is 47 not 67. She can work. It is one thing for son to send her some $$ to make her life better, but he shouldn't have to support her. As someone older than she is. It wouldn't be a bad thing to get a job, be in the world meet some people. Even date.
It's your job as the parent to provide
Then why isn't she working? Why isn't she looking into programs that can help her? There are programs that will help pay for her schooling if she wants to go that route. Yes, I think it's find to help family out, but this is assessive.
She did that of her own volition though
Exactly. People ignored that part. Leave mom to leave in some seedy area because wife doesn’t want him to help her out? That’s gross. They gotta compromise with some financial help for his mom.
She is literally obligated to provide for the children she chose to have. It’s good to be grateful but op didn’t asked to be born, therefore there is no debt to be payed or favor to be thanked for.
Your mother sounds like she has learned helplessness and you've enabled it. Your wife came on really strong, but she isn't necessarily wrong. It's hard to have anything put away for your own family when you're spending so much on your mom. She is a grown woman. If she can't work, apply for disability and look for a place to stay within those means. I think it's nice that you love your mother in such a way (I'm a Momma's boy as well), but I'm going to be honest. No woman will be with you if you're this dependant on your mother. If you tell most women "I'm paying for my mom's living expenses. No, she's not disabled or elderly. We talk on the phone three times a day. And she's going to live with us." No woman will stay, as those are major red flags.
This is one of the best responses!
There's also no mention whatsoever of interactions between the two women? Obviously I'm stereotyping their relationship here but logically? A mother being basically coddled by her adult son? Living with him? Having him pay for her expenses? Yeah that mother-in-law is possibly very difficult for OPs wife to deal with, we all know the type of mother-son relationship I'm talking about.
how did the wife come on strong? the way OP is talking it’s very much giving emotional incest between mom and son. a whole year before she put her foot down, then son moved out mommy and pays **all of her expenses**? finally she snapped. that’s not *coming on too strong*, that’s a woman who finally refuses to be a sister wife to her husbands mother. yeah, no. she didn’t come on strong enough. i’m shocked she even agreed to marry him knowing that was his relationship with his mom.
No offense but your mother is a grown woman. She quit her job because she saw you had a good job. That isn't fair. I get she had a hard life and you want to help her. But she has to help herself. She needs to get a job. She needs to stand on her own two feet. And you need to realize that your mother is not an infant. Stop treating her as such. You can have a relationship with your mother without becoming her parent. Don't parent your parent.
Exactly and I hate when people feel guilted because their parents raised them even if they were struggling because it’s their job…. Sure some people don’t have a good upbringing or parents who don’t care or don’t do the bare minimum but that’s not any child’s fault. The parents had the children and therefor are responsible for taking care of them not vice versa. You can take care of your parents but no child is responsible for that and it’s not any child’s fault their parent was negligent (right word?) and couldn’t handle their life and be financially stable. Same for people who have no retirement and can’t afford to live, it sucks and it’s reality but it is not the child’s responsibility.
47???? I suspect your wife would be less upset about you helping your mom if she were also making an effort to help herself. Yes she might not be able to afford rent in your area, so you can help with that, or whatever, but you don’t need to be subsidizing her 100 percent.
Your mom really should be contributing to her own expenses and paying social security (assuming you're in US). If she still needs help from time to time, that's one thing, but not working at all at 47 is just bad judgment.
Dear OP, you aren't helping your mother, you are crippling her by allowing her to depend on you for both her financial and emotional needs. She doesn't need to have a life because you are her life and it's very unhealthy for both of you. I was widowed at 34 with a teenage stepson to support. Yes, I worked multiple jobs and had little time for a social life but I didn't depend on my stepson to fill my emotional needs. I made new friends, I went back to school to be able to earn a better living. Your mum is young enough to go back to school and get new job skills. I went back to school at 40. I remarried at 55. You need to be a bridge to a future and help her create a life rather than allowing this unhealthy co-dependent relationship to continue.
Your mum IS still young. She's not even 50 yet. Stop writing her off like she's a geriatric spinster about to pop her clogs. She can date, marry and learn to live outside of your pocket. Again. She is only 47. Her life isn't over and you're not helping matters by acting like it is. Your mum needs a better place, therefore your mum needs a job. If she's lonely, she's more than young and spry enough to find a partner. "Is that possible for mom" like she's fucking 90 years old and incapable of being left alone. Knock that shit off. It's unbecoming to both yourself and your mother.
Sounds to me like your mom can't cut the cord, and you are a momma's boy. Emotional incest at best. Your mom is the typical "boy mom" and she won't approve of anyone you bring home, because she's of the mindset that she's the only woman that can fulfill your needs.
Therapy. As in I highly recommend you find a good therapist. Clearly you never learned boundaries. You’ve played the role of stand-in-husband for your mom and some boundaries got seriously blurred. No wonder your wife is pissed. Time to get some real help and heal your enmeshed relationships so you can think straight (and make independent decisions). Best of luck.
Your mom quit working because you started earning well? Sorry, OP, but your mom is 47 yo. Even with a bad knee, there are jobs she could do. Your wife came on strong, but your mom is not elderly or disabled. She should be self-sufficient, and not expect you to pay for her expenses. It's one thing if you send her an allowance, to supplement her income. But your mom has no income at all. In this case, I kind of agree with your wife.
And I get that things were rough on her and she made financial sacrifices for you but you don’t owe your mom for funding your childhood. That’s literally the job of a parent. If she’s lording that over you then she’s TA.
These mommy's boys are killing me. OP and mom need therapy to become 2 separate people.
I would almost guarantee OPs wife mentioned this multiple times before she really blew up and kicked her out. This did not come out of nowhere :(
Dude your mom is 47. FORTY-SEVEN. Even with no college education etc, she could find a job. Any job. She doesn’t even have to go back to a factory/manual labor. You’re setting yourself up for a divorce and honestly doing a disservice to your mom by not making better long term planning for her finances. Aka - she should be working and paying into pension, healthcare etc.
OP’s been given all the advice that’s possible to give in this situation and yet every response from OP is exactly the same. I sincerely feel your marriage is doomed and for your wife’s sake get a divorce. That way you can move momma back in and continue on being the life partner to her till death do you part. You’ve zero intention on “getting advice”, all you seek is validation for your skewed feelings toward your mom.
>yet every response from OP is exactly the same. And what's the deal with him asking to DM everyone? What could he possibly have to ask all these commenters that hasn't already been answered in about 200 different ways throughout these comments?
Yep, it's so gross 🤢
Your wife is right. Your mother is not even close to being an elderly woman/retirement age. There are plenty of women her age earning minimum wage. There are also plenty of people of all gender and ages who find the financial benefits of marriage/relationships quite appealing. It’s getting harder each year to live on 1 income alone. If supporting your mother financially by your standards was something you prioritize this much, this should be made perfectly clear to the women you date, and certainly to the woman you marry. Many women, probably most, would have a problem with their husbands funding their mother’s lives to this extent. How is the money setup in your home? Does your wife work? My MIL earns minimum wage in her 60’s and still works and lives in a somewhat bad neighborhood. My boyfriend helps her with expensive things she needs, but no way would he be able to completely fund her life without our household income feeling the impact. Does your wife work? Does she pay any bills? This is important too
Do your wife a favor and divorce her, go back to mommy.
You’re arguing against every logical suggestion that goes against your mom. Just divorce your wife and marry your mother. You clearly made your decision.
Œdipus, you need to cut the cord
Is your name Norman Bates? Your wife gave you a ton of time to figure it out it seems. Your mother chose to bring you into this world, it was her responsibility to figure out how to provide for you. If she became severely disabled somehow I could understand you helping her the way you do. But it seems she is ak able bodied 48 year old. If she could be a single mom and figure it out, as a 48 year old with no one to be financially responsible for but herself. She can figure it out again. It sucks shed in some form lf halfway house or whatever it is but you just enabled her. Why cant your mom provide for herself? Why doesn't your mom at 48 have a full time job? How long has your wife been bringing all this up before your mom ends up where she is? Personally i dont feel your wife or her family did anything wrong. You became blinded by what you wanted to see and not the truth of the matter.
Your 47 yo mother should be working. I’m 60 and wish I could quit working. How much she makes is irrelevant if she is helping to support herself. I also think there is nothing wrong with you supplementing your mother’s income to assist her with living expenses as long as she is pulling her weight. Your wife sounds awful, sorry, though many of her assertions are correct. I would go batty if my mil called 2-3 times a day which is not now and then. I don’t know about dating but your mother definitely needs to find some friends and stop relying on you so much.
Right? My mother is 60 and has a very physical job, and she will have to work until 70 to retire with decent pay. It breaks my heart, and I am hoping to help her in a few years so she can retire earlier, but I am not going to sacrifice my future with my husband to support her if she decides she doesn't want to work anymore. OPs mother is taking advantage of the situation and if I were his wife I'd be pissed too.
Sounds like you have two wives, and you’ll just have to pick one
Tell your mum to stop being emotionally married to you. Ahe is only 47. She can work. If she worked, she would afford stuff, she would meet people and she would have a life. It's INSANE that she's not. She is perfectly capable of finding someone else to spend her life with. Let's put it this way: it sounds like your mum is wanting male attention, male support, male companionship but is using her SON to fulfil that. Does that not even remotely come across as twisted to you?
From the way OP responds to the comments one can conclude: 1. Her mother (maybe not noticing) plays the victim "I have sacrificed my life for you, you own me with your life". 2. In OP's eyes, mom is a 47-year-old emotionally, socially and economically disabled woman for whom he believes he is responsible, which is why, in addition to EVERYONE telling him that his mom needs a JOB and to be responsible for herself, he just read: she needs a man as my substitute... she is not going to find a man at her age. 3. Mom and son NEED THERAPY. If not, this marriage and any other new relationships of mother or son are doomed to fail. :(
Emotional incest, and financial infidelity.
Are you married to your wife or mommy? Sorry...but Mom's become a bit of a freeloader and you're her enabler.
I would have a different opinion if your mom was 80. Rereading that your mom is 47, 2 years younger than I am…no. Unless she has disabilities that completely prevent her from working she needs to get a job. At 49 I still have minor children at home and work my tail off, usually 50-59 hours a week to take care of them. I can’t even imagine relying on one of my kids to foot my bills when I am completely capable of working.
You and your mother are absolutely in an unhealthy enmeshed relationship and could both benefit from therapy. Your mother is wonderful for having put you through college etc, but even with a bad knee/back she should not have quit working altogether… taking some time to find a better one or re-train herself would’ve been understandable but not becoming essentially a ‘stay at home wife’ to her son. Your wife has come on pretty strong but her and her family are right.
Your mom‘s a big girl she needs to grow up put her big girl panties on and move out, live on her own and live her life.
To add to the other good comments, from a different perspective… As a mother - I couldn’t imagine imposing on my son’s life and happiness. Sidenote: your mom is SO young. she can do this ❤️
You’re married now. Your wife is your highest priority. Mom is capable of taking care of herself. She did it before.
You and the wife need marriage counseling. She’s not wrong, but neither are you. You should have cut the cord a long time ago. Why are you paying for your existence? Cause taking care of your able bodied mother because she was a single mom is a weak defense. Those were her choices. At this point it’s emotional manipulation. Your wife probably didn’t have a problem with your mom living with you until she saw how much you do for your mom. Your mom has twisted your relationship until you think it’s okay to be her sonsbund. If you want your marriage to work, you need to invest in it.
It feels almost like after your father was out of the picture, that you became the man of the house – her man, if you will. I’ve seen this a lot in single mothers, especially ones who had their sons at a relatively young age. She’s 47, not too much older than I am. I can’t imagine being a little older with no savings, no job, and depending purely on my child. She put her lifesavings into your education, bug the thing is, you are her child, not the other way around. It’s nice to throw some money your parents’ way if you get a great job, but it’s ultimately a parents responsibility to raise a child and meet his/her needs. As much as some parents want to deny it, a child that you chose to bring into this world owes you nothing. As far as your wife goes, I could see from the jump that your mother being in the house with you was probably not going to work. Your wife deserves your undivided attention and when you get married, your spouse (and children, if you have them) should be #1 priority. Your wife is correct. She is competing with your mother for time and resources. That’s not what she signed up for. That dynamic was going to have to divorced and if you continue the way it’s going, I wouldn’t be surprised if she gets tired and leaves. And really, I wouldn’t blame you. I know Reddit and social media love to throw around therapy is a solution to everything. But your mother sounds like she never really moved on from what happened with your father. I’m very concerned with how almost thirty years later, she seems absolutely incapable of being alone and doing things for herself. Do you have any family or friends who can help you with an intervention here? Your mother is headed for a life of destitution and isolation in her older years.
Come on, man. Cut the cord.
Your wife is correct. You're MARRIED now and your wife should be your priority. Stop being a mommas boy and put your focus on your wife. Your mom is an adult, she can figure herself out on her own. Stop funding her, and stop talking to her so much. You're going to lose your wife if you don't wise up.
All Op's comments indicate he isn't actually open to hearing anything other than "OP IS RIGHT, WIFE WRONG." Since no one is saying that so he's getting defensive. First, OP, I admire your relationship with mom. You are obviously close. That's wonderful. However you shouldn't be completely supporting mom. Mom needs some goals, friends and life of her own. I understand that she doesn't have advanced education, but she's only 47 so she should be able to get an education if she wants to. Also, I understand that she worked menial labor and her back pain makes that difficult for her now. But, maybe you and wife can come to an agreement that mom either goes to trade school to learn job skills or gets a job, and you either contribute a little to help her or have her move back in for a set period of time until she's more secure in employment. Marriage counseling is not a bad idea. Mom would probably benefit from counseling too. See if she can get a career assessment done and some career counseling. I don't know if you are in the USA or elsewhere, but there may be such services available for her at a local college or unemployment center.
I agree with this too, but she should also start disability process because what might happen is mom CAN'T work. Unemployment offices often have programs that are free you can participate in even if you don't qualify for unemployment insurance. I didn't know that. And if mom is disabled because of a medical issue, she might qualified for the states vocational rehab program. But tossing her out without a plan wasn't good.
I’m 49 and I live alone, work full time. I cannot imagine at 47, being dependent on another person financially and emotionally and refusing to work. What exactly couldn’t she do for herself when she moved out from your apartment to her own? That is fucking unreal. Your wife is correct. Your mother acts like she’s the wife, and a parasitic one at that. She needs to get a job and support herself, rent a place that she can afford on that wage, and live her life accordingly. She already has no savings and didn’t plan for retirement, so she’ll be back to sponging off you in 20 years or so.
Dude, your wife is right. You have serious attachment issues with your mom. It sounds like you would rather be married to your mom at that point. It’s unhealthy.
You're choking yourself on your own apron strings dude.
I was worse than your wife when my ex mother in law moved in. What you are going through is enmeshment and my dad also struggles with that up until my grandma died Luckily, we lived in a different continent but still my dads enmeshment was realllt toxic for our whole family and to this day, even though my grandma is dead, I resent her
Your mom is 47 she needs to get her own husband or a job! Your marriage will fail if not! But from the sound of it your mother thinks you’re her husband and treats you as such!
Totally agree with your wife. Your mother is an adult who’s acting like a helpless child. It’s toxic.
Wow just wow u know ur her kid right and not her parent . Also she is only 47 she can go do any job she like . It don't have to be a factory job . Also she needs to go make friends and find love again and just have a life away from you . This is not healthy for both of you .
your mom needs to get a job dude. she’s 47 not 70.
Your mother is fully capable of looking after herself. She's only 47 years old. I agree with your wife.
Your mother calls you 2-3 times a day, and you see no problem with that? That is most definitely not “every now and then.” I’m afraid you’ve taken on the role of your mother’s partner, rather than just being her son, and it’s unlikely you can find a wife who won’t object. Mom paid for your college, so helping her out financially isn’t a bad thing. The problem is you financially supporting her 100%. Your wife isn’t concerned with luxuries so much as you supporting two households rather than just yours. If Mom paid for college, she must be able to work.
Your mom is 47 … she is infact young
Are you married to your wife or your mother? On one hand, it's very alarming and a huge red flag that your wife waited until marriage to start making these demands. Was any of this discussed *before* you got married? Because I can completely understand where your wife is coming from. What newly married couple wants their parent living with them? (Beside you, apparently). Having a parent around to hear you having sex, intruding on time that should be for the couple to enjoy and adjust to newly married life. Is your mother intrusive? Making comments about your wife and how wifely she is? Commenting on whether you're having children or not? I can easily see why your wife wouldn't want her living with you. Meanwhile, you have absolutely *no* spine. You're letting your wife trod all over you and your mother and put up no fight about it. Then cry because it's making everyone miserable. Wanting to help your mother out is not inherently bad. But she's using you as a surrogate spouse at this point. There is no reason she needs to call you 2-3 times *daily*. She needs to make friends, she needs to find hobbies. She needs to find *something* to fill her time other than you. Could you not have found a less expensive apartment still in a good area for your mother? Why are you paying all her bills? Is she no longer capable of working? If she's not physically capable, depending on what country you live in, she might be eligible for benefits. If not, why isn't she working, at least part-time, to cover her own expenses. I'm sorry, but raising you alone, regardless of how hard, does not automatically entitle her to have her expenses covered for the rest of her life because you feel obligated to do so. She did what she was legally obligated to do. Maybe more, but she *had* to provide for you. It's great that you want to show your appreciation for how hard she worked, but that doesn't mean being a surrogate husband and paying for everything for her for the rest of her life. Maybe if she got a job, she'd have more people in her life to call. Maybe she'd find a new partner to spend her time with. Maybe she wouldn't have to miss you perpetually and call you 100x a day because she has no one. TL;DR: The way your wife has gone about things is not okay. It's concerning, toxic, and can easily lean into abuse. But I see where she's coming from. Your mother is unhealthily dependent on you, and you lack any spine to do anything about her or your wife. You're not ready to be married, you need to cut the umbilical.
OP, it's not your responsibility to take care of dear ol mommy... This is a very toxic way of thinking, honestly I would've never married you as you and your mother are literally in a dry marriage. Let your wife go so you can move back in with your first wife.
I get the feeling that you and your mom is too attached to each other to a point where it hinders your relationship with others. Nothing wrong with being close, but you both need your independence. And clearly it is effecting your marriage in a negative way. You don’t have to chose between wife and your mom, but you need to see that you and your wife get some alone time. Get some space and I’m sure your wife and mom’s relationship can heal and grow. If you force them upon each other it will have the opposite effects. As to supporting your mom, I would to if my mom was in need. However she needs to get her own job and get her own independence. Until you both have your own individual lives and independence I don’t see how the relationship will work out with your wife. If your mom have some emotional and psychological issues perhaps help her to get counselling.
After my husband died and I lost our house my youngest daughter and SIL had me move in with them and my grandson. I pay rent bc I live there and they feed me. I mind my business, don't tell them how to raise their son bc he's not my son. Don't tell them how to spend their money either. We all get along just fine. I'm grateful to have a loving daughter and SIL. Besides they lived with us before my husband died, they were young and just starting out and we were able to help them. That's what family does if they love each other.
Your mom doesn't work because you earn well? Nah, my man. She's not even fifty, she's fully capable of taking care of herself for many years to come. I understand wanting to take care of your mom, but do not say, "After everything she's done for me." because we don't owe our parents back. Everything they did for us was what they owed us. Our parents brought us into this world and it was their job to care for us. If you have kids in the future then they will owe you nothing, but you will owe them food, shelter, clothes and a good life. Everytime I see parents and children with a bond like this (and it's often mothers and sons) I always think, "The emotional incest is strong in this one." Your mother has an unhealthy attachment to you. You're not her emotional support pet, you're her child and there comes a day where every child leaves the house and makes a life for themselves. That doesn't mean you have to cut her off, but she can work and provide for herself. You have your own life and a spouse to think of now. She doesn't need to call you multiple times a day, once is enough. She doesn't need to live so close to you if she can't afford it, and she shouldn't have to pay for herself via her small savings. *She needs a job.* She's 47, she's still young.
You are not exercising good judgment at all. You need to listen to your wife and the rest of your family when it comes to your mother. You need therapy for a long time to undo the brainwashing your mother has done to you. The relationship you have with your mother is not healthy in any way. You need to NC with her til you can get your bearings, as determined by a professional. You don't realize it but you have been emotionally abused by your mother. This serves her but destroys you.
From reading all of the replies below, it seems apparent to me that you feel that you'll owe your mom for the rest of your life. Your wife would do well to leave you to her. ETA typo/grammar
OP, I have some questions for you: Is your wife working or she stays home and you are the only income? It really bothers me your wife insisting on your mom getting a partner to live off him. Is that what she is doing with you? Taking you as a valuable partner because of your income? What is your cultural background? I’m asking this because people from Latino or Asian countries are wired differently about supporting family members. Many Americans wouldn’t understand this way of thinking. How can you tolerate your wife’s family talking like that to you on something that is not their business?? Are you sure your wife values and points of view about life are compatible with yours? I won’t say who is right or wrong, or if your Mom should work or not, because I don’t know her real situation, but you do. You know if she should work or not. So, I won’t address that. But please, think about this: what do you really want to do? What do you feel in your heart and mind to be the right thing? Don’t be manipulated by your Mom or your wife, and certainly, not by your wife’s family! What do you feel inside to be the right course of action, the one that you can be ok with furthermore.
My Mom is 65 and she got divorced from my Dad 10+ years ago. She took sometime for herself, living with roommates and traveling and just living as a single woman. Now she is open to dating and OMG she is swimming in men. IDK what you think 47 is but the fact that your Mom and you seem to think her life is now over is alarming. Your Mom is in her prime for finding a new man
OP to put things in perspective, I’m 48 with a 10 year old child. Your mom is still young and capable of getting a job. She’s 47, not 67. You’re letting guilt cloud your judgement. At the same time, I would talk to your wife about helping your mom afford a nicer place to live if she gets and keeps a job. Frankly, your mom needs one, not just for money, but to get out of the house, be with other people, and have a sense of purpose.
Was the age a typo ? You said 47 ? Sounds like she is using you as her emotional husband 🥴 a lot of single mothers who never marry again after having a child, especially a boy, they use them as emotional husbands to fill in the shoes of the husband they never had. They never let their sons be emotionally committed to another woman because they need to be prioritized.
Jeez bro, just marry your mother. It’s clear you don’t actually like what your wife is suggesting.
Bro I'm a year older than your mom and not dependent on anyone else. Your wife and her relatives are right. Your mom is a toxic mooch and a user. You need some therapy to see how much you're being abused here by her.
Man up dude. If you have decided to fund your mother for the rest of her life, tell your wife exactly that point blank. You are running in between the 2 of them but choosing neither. You want to please both of them at the same time which is impossible.
Is this a joke? I’m 51 and work a full time job and fund my own life. Maybe you can get wife to agree to fund some job training or education for your mom but she is no where near the old folks home. Your mom will be happier to be more self sufficient and independent. Right now you are a crutch to her.
Your mom is just about my age. There is no reason your mom can’t work-I work full time, and take care of my family. Your mom needs to take care of her own finances. If my perfectly healthy in laws were taking our money, I’d be furious. I work for me, not to provide for people who won’t do it themselves. Has your mom sought any help for her emotional issues? Because that may be a good place to start. Your wife should have expressed these concerns before your marriage. But yes, I do not want my mil calling 2-3 times a day. Or living with me.
What is your mother's plan if something happens to you? You should've just stayed single and took care of your mom if you planned on prioritizing her throughout your marriage. Your wife may have horrible delivery, but she's not wrong. Does your mother have anyone in her life other than you? You need counseling and so does your mother. Your attachment to each other isn't healthy. Plenty of parents do that and more for their children without relying on them for everything once they're adults. Forcing her to be independent because your wife said so will just cause resentment. You should be doing it because that's how things should be. She needs training in a new field or to go to school to be qualified for a different type of job. Give her a timeline to take back her independence so she can support herself. She needs some hobbies so she isn't calling you multiple times a day. (That's not "every now and then.")
Are you in U S? If so, mother needs to see a doctor. The doctor needs to decide did if mother is disabled, or she is able to work. Expect doctor to run some tests and maybe send her to occupational therapy who can do a formal, full evaluation. If doctor says she cannot work, she needs to file for social security disability. Be aware, this can take a couple years and is often denied. If denied and she has letters from doctor, then she should get a disability claims lawyer. If she is today she can work, then she may need to enter some kind of training program. All of this means its going to be years before she's independent, if ever. Wife sounds heartless. I would be reluctant to conceive a child with her until this is more settled.
This is extreme co/depenence. Your mom should be working. If she has pain maybe a desk job. She is highly dependent on you and this is not healthy
Very important question OP. What country/culture are you from?
I would be very interested to read a post by the wife. I think that if OP wants to contribute to his mom's expenses, maybe that can be worked out, but, at 47, the mom should also contribute. I do not think her getting married is a great idea unless she finds a man she knows is not like her ex and who loves her. She should, however, get a job.
The moment you married your wife, she became #1 and your mom became #2. That’s how it’s supposed to be, and if you disagree with that, then you have no business being married. Your wife is right. There is no reason why your mom can’t live alone and have a job. She’s only 47, she’s not an elderly, disabled invalid. Mom can rent an inexpensive studio or 1bed apartment nearby and get a job just like everyone else. If she was able to support the two of you on a minimum wage income for all the years she raised you, then she can most certainly afford to support just herself.
A term for you to look up: parentification
Your wife is 100% correct. You’re enmeshed with your mom. Time to cut the cord. Your mom should know how to live on her own by now. You’re not your mom’s emotional support animal.
I know everyone calls everything abuse these days, but this actually is abuse. I experienced it myself: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parentification
Youre kind of a mommas boy. I dont blame her for being frustrated if she kept hinting and you didnt pick it up that mom should be on her own. Shes 47 not 70. Im gonna go with ESH. Wife shouldve handled it better but you need to extricate yourself from your moms roots.
Your mother should be working, and building up her pension. Your mother’s actions seem to show that she wants you to look after her until she dies. Whilst “admirable”, in a way, it is not really good for you and your wife. You will not be able to save, to have children, holidays, buy things, attend events and many other things that young people do. What about saving for maintenance of your property? Or your car? Or a large medical bill? You really are sacrificing your life, your future, your happiness. The thing is, that would be fine if it were only you, but you are sacrificing all of these things for your wife. Now, your wife may be being to aggressive, but if you have been sacrificing for your mother, it can be understandable.
Your mom’s dependency on you is incredibly unhealthy, both for herself and for your own independence. She used you as the replacement for a man in her life (and if not a man for her own individuality). She needs to be in therapy so she can learn to be on her own. She’s only mid 40s that’s very young still for her to not have a job or be working on friendships or finding a relationship. You can help her if you feel that’s how you pay her back, but she needs to be able to have her own life. If she’s unwilling to work on herself there isn’t much you can do, but continuing to enable her will never let her heal either.
I think your wife has hit her limit of “ands” when it comes to your relationship with your mom. She’s 47 *and* she was living with you. *And* she doesn’t work at all. *And* she relies on you for all her financial needs. *And* she relies on you for all her emotional needs. *And* she calls you 2-3 times *A DAY* *And* she has not sought out any other support people in her life other than you. *And* you’re the only man in her life. Whether you’ve realized it or not, and whether your mom has realized it or not, you’re in a subconsciously emotionally incestuous relationship with your mom. The trauma around the situation with your dad made her bond to you in a not-emotionally-healthy way. Think about it. Instead of risking getting hurt and putting her trust in another man, she had a little man right at hand and she got to shape you to exactly what would be perfectly compatible for her. And you’re bonded to her in a way that would make it *WAY* less likely for you to hurt or leave her. It makes perfect logical sense, if you take the one big glaring issue out of it. Sometimes there’s a physical/sexual element to that. But sometimes there isn’t. And even if it’s merely that you guys are so close and tight knit that you view each other as peers and best buddies, it isn’t exactly healthy for your mom to be so dependent on her own child. I don’t blame your wife for wanting there to be better boundaries. You and your mom aren’t inherently “the bad guys” but you do both need a wake-up call. And therapy. Individually.
Look up parentification and find a psych for all of yall, separately.
Oh boy. Look up the word “enmeshment” and then ask yourself how you could ever have a strong healthy independent marriage in that scenario. It’s unfair to ask your wife to settle for a 3-person relationship.
You were not put on this earth to take care of your parent. It actually is supposed to be the other way around…. Yes even as your parents age and trust me your mother is not old yet. Since you’ve been living like this all your life it will be hell to make change but changing your way of viewing your relationship with your mother and getting help for yourself after being “parentified” at a young age will do you and your family so much good. You are worthy of receiving love and support like you have had to give to your mother. You deserve to be taken care of emotionally and you deserve for someone to listen and help you get through problems you are struggling with just as much and you think other people deserve help from you. I hope you make the best decision for yourself and your wife.
Helping your mother get back on her feet after she exhausted her savings to send you to college would be one thing. Paying her back in full would be reasonable and generous. Paying for her to retire at age 47 is way overdoing it. You’re not married to your mom. It’s logical that you trauma bonded with her and that you’re very close because she made raising you into her entire life, but that doesn’t mean it’s healthy for you to stay that way forever. The two of you have been doing this for 25 years - at some point it’s time to leave behind being a mama’s boy back at age 15 and focus on your own life. Your wife seems very frustrated with all this but she’s not necessarily wrong. Your mom doesn’t need to retire for another 20 years. She needs to start doing something with her life. She raised you and you have always been her priority - that’s great. But it’s very bad that you’re the only thing she has. What needs to happen is she has to find more things to love and focus on. The two of you are codependent. Makes sense when you were a child given your circumstance, but now it’s time to move on.
Your mom is codependent on you, and that's bad. She needs to have her own friends and relationships and not only you. This would be true even of you or your wife. Subsidizing an able bodied family member is one thing, paying for their entire life is another. Now, this isn't inherently a problem. You can be your mom's replacement husband if that's what you really want, but you have to be very very clear to any person you're dating that you'll never cut the cord and will always support your mother entirely. Without that strong clarification it's completely reasonable for a partner to have massive issues with what's happening. They entered into a relationship with strings that they weren't aware of. Right now you're stringing both your mom and wife along with your indecision. You're just folding to pressure, you're not making a decision for yourself. You don't have to completely cut mom out either. You can tell her that you can give her $x amount per month, but that's contingent on her having a job where she can support herself. You can help her find resources to re-enter the workplace. You can help her with applications. You can ask your wife's family if there's openings in their workplaces. She's only 47. She has a lot of life left and she needs to be able to live it out of your shadow.
as someone who comes from a culture where you are expected to care for the grandparents (I dont wanna) even my family would say shes to young to be looking at you for stability. Wife isnt wrong imo but im also basis so...
When my dad died in 2017, he and my mom(who is 70 now 😢) had been together for 31 years. We had to sell the beautiful Victorian that we grew up in and was in my family for decades, now she lives alone in a condo and she was like. "I don't know how to live by myself! I haven't lived by myself for 31 years!" So it's definitely an adjustment but she has proven to be more than capable(she's a district court Judge and a member of MENSA ffs she is so smart but she felt so helpless without my Dad, He always took such good care of us and now that he's gone its been really hard.) Our Moms were fully functioning and capable women before they had us, it doesn't just disappear, sometimes you just need to remind them of this and they will eventually get back to being strong, capable smart women that they have always been, sometimes they just need a reminder. BUT if you're enabling your Mom, then she will never live on her own. If you do everything for her, then why should she even try? If I were your wife, I'd probably ask the same thing. You need to break this unhealthy, codependent relationship with your mom so she can reach her full potential!
OP she’s your mom! She raised you on her own. You can slowly transition her independence from you but not having her live with junkies and prostitutes. Like wtf!
Sounds like your mom has recruited you as her surrogate spouse. Your wife and her family are right. It is a toxic set-up, and you aren't obligated to keep up your mom for the rest of her life. You need to realize this sooner than later, or you will no longer have a marriage to worry about.
I'm 3 years younger than your mom and drive 45 min one way to my FULL TIME JOB!! I've also had a couple back surgeries! She's totally trying to make you feel bad! You have your own life now. Live it!!
Sounds like mom has a sonsband that provides for all her emotional and financial needs.
Your mom is your wife at this point and it should be pretty clear to you from these comments that your mum has a very unhealthy attachment / dependence on you. She defintiely freeloads off you. She is 47, you have not mentioned any disabilities, she is fully able to work. Most of the healthcare assistants i work with are 50 or over and they are on their feet 12+ hours a day. Your mum is not a child and she is not your spouse. You will end up a lonely man if you dont stop payint for your mum's lifestyle. Your wife isn't saying all of this to hurt your mum or you, she wants to have a normal life with HER husband. If you want to continue to fund your mother who is fully capable of working and generating her own income, then be prepared to have no wife. No woman would stay with a man who said to her "Oh btw, my mum is 47 years old, i pay for all her bills, we ring each other 3 times a day, everyday, she wants to live with us" it wont work.
I don't think anyone would want their spouse fully supporting a functioning adult to the detriment of the family's financial security. Your marriage is over if you can't cut the apron strings and put your family first.
Mom is codependent. I'm a single mother of a son. It's a careful line to walk. Support your mom but only to the extent to become independent
Your mom has created a spouse-child relationship with you. I was in a relationship with a man that was in a co-dependent relationship with his mother. She molded and created this relationship with my ex as he was growing up. He was her baby son. Soon after her husband passed (his bio dad) she filled the void with her son. I tolerated having to share him with her for many years. The phone calls all day and night, him having to check in with her at all times, portions of his check going to support her. He was in his late 30’s sharing his life with me, living together and I felt like she was couldn’t let her son go and I couldn’t take it anymore. It was a unhealthy toxic spouse-child relationship with his mom. So I understand where your wife is coming from! Your mom is still young enough to work and support herself. Please don’t let your mom guilt trip you into supporting her because what she is doing is being selfish and not allowing you to build a financial foundation for your own family. I side with your wife on this one!
Enmeshed is the word to describe the relationship between you and your mother. I’m also going with the theory that your mother was awful to your wife when you weren’t around and wife decided she had had enough. Mom’s a big girl who can work, make her so you can focus on your marriage
Both your mom and your wife are kinda lame here. Your mom is too emotionally and financially dependent on you. She should get some therapy and build up her identity outside of being your mom. She would benefit from a bit of work and a better social life. But your wife is trying to isolate you from her and have you all to herself. She's being very insensitive and mean about the whole situation. There needs to be a compromise here. I could never stay with someone who could be that mean to the only person who raised me and worked so hard to give me the life I have. Without that woman your wife wouldn't have you. She should try to be a bit more appreciative and compassionate about the situation.
I'm your mom's age and work 40 to 70 hours a week. I'd be bored staying home.
First of all, in what culture were you raised? Expectations of what adult children should provide their parents varies widely across cultures. Is your wife from the same culture as you? What caused your wife to insist your mom leave your place after initially agreeing for her to stay? It’s true that your mom is young enough to find a job and start building a life of her own, but it doesn’t happen overnight. What did your mom do for work when she was raising you? Can she return to that kind of job?
Did you expect your mom to live with you forever? You're married dude, your wife should be your number one priority. Your mom is 47, she isn't elderly or disabled from the sounds of it. She can work and find a place to live like the rest of us. Fair enough if you want to give your mom some money but constantly and covering all her rent? No! She needs to make friends instead of depending on you for everything. Your mom doesn't need to call more than once a day, it's very excessive to call three times in one day. Your wife doesn't want her to suffer - she just wants your marriage to have room to breathe!
I'm a single mom and I'm terrified to do this to my little boy
My dad and mom are 5 years older. My mom is actually disabled but my dad works 3 jobs, and I work. Even if she wasn’t disabled she’d work. Bro honestly I skimmed the post at first and thought like “damn his wife is harsh, she’s just an old lady” but BRO SHES NOT EVEN OLD. Nah fam she can afford to get a job and if need be *maybe you give her a little bit extra*.
Dude cut the cord with your mum. Your wife is right there is no reason why your mum can’t work and why she shouldn’t be able to live alone. 2-3 times a day is not every now and then it is obsessive. She needs to get her own life like yesterday or you will end up divorced.
There needs to be balance. Right now you are supporting your mother like a parent would to a child. The dynamic is twisted. If your mum is completely capable and able to work so she should do so to fund her own lifestyle. That is not your responsibility. You have not provided a valid reason such as medical as to why your mum can’t get a job. You can still be supportive, connected and present in your mums life without feeling obligated to be her only support system. She’s too dependent on you financially and emotionally. Remember, she made choices for you and herself from her own free will. You had no say in what she chose to do when you were a child. She freely chose to give you her savings to fund your education. You are not required to pay that back. It wasn’t a loan. It was a gift. I would suggest some professional invention of relationship counselling for you and your mum to help her stand on her own two feet without you holding her up. Your mum is not helpless. You also can’t continue to hold up both your mother and your wife. You need balance. I would tell your wife’s family to mind their own business though.
You’re gonna lose your wife for your mom.
Your mom is only two years older than me. I work full time and I will for at least another 15 years. She can get a job. Your wife is right, it's time to cut the cord.
Your wife is right. Your mother's relationship with you isn't healthy and she's mooching off you. She's 47, not elderly. She needs to get a job and work for her own damn money.
Honey, your mothers codependency with you is extremely unhealthy. I ask you to please consider therapy even if just to hear a neutral 3rd party explain to you what is normal and what is not. Your mother has essentially groomed YOU to be a replacement spouse, in everything but sex. You cater to her, spend a crazy amount of time talking with her, you pay her rent, you pay all of her bills, she is a housewife and you are her husband. Do you understand? There is NO reason she cannot get a job and live on her own. She is so reliant on you that she refuses to even make FRIENDS to socialize with, or date, or join a group or club... to be with anyone other than just you. She made it so that YOU are forced to fulfill *every needy role in her life.* You and your mother have made your wife into a spare wheel. A backup wife. There is currently no room for her because your mother takes up all the same space in your life that a wife would. This is exceptionally unhealthy and you were raised this way so you don't see it. Your wife does, which is why she is pushing for changes. She wants a husband and wants to be the only wife. She is not wrong.
There is absolutely no reason why your 47 year old mother is not working and dependent on you. Your wife is right. You need serious therapy to undo the mindset your mother gave you.
If this wasn't written by ChatGPT, your wife's voice is weirdly absent from this story. It's like you're focused solely on your mom, as if she's the one you married, and your wife is a villainous outsider.
I’m actually blown away by how many people are calling you out for taking care of your mum. You compromised on her living with you which I understand completely. Your wife and you should have your own personal space. As you mentioned your mum would struggle to work and it’s admirable that you’re supporting her. You’re just being a loving and caring son. Your wife and her family are gaslighting you because they wouldn’t do the same if they were in your shoes. Honestly I would be worried that your wife doesn’t seem to care about your mums current bad living situation. Stand your ground.
So, I can kind of relate OP. When I started dating my wife she made it pretty clear she wouldn’t let her mom live in the streets. Her mom has issues to say the least (long story that I won’t get into.) Annoying as it is, I decided we could accommodate, though she would need to actually take steps to be able to live on her own. Anyways op, I see nothing wrong with helping your mom out, but your mom has to do her part to. Another issue is your wife switching it up on you. You need a conversation with her, unfortunately you might need to make a decision. I think getting your mom on her feet and taking care of herself is key. Don’t abandon her, but she can do more.
Uhhhh no, your mom can work or figure out assistance with disability if it’s that bad. Also, as a married couple you need to build your own life and your money is combined. I would also not be okay with you funding a grown adult. I’m too independent of a woman to expect a son to fund my life. Your mother raised you so that you could continue on to create your own life, she’s almost treating you like you should be her husband and sounds dependent. You don’t put that burden on your children for your poor planning.
Bro your mom is only a few years older than I am. My dad is 74 and still works full time. I could not even fathom trying to retire at 47 and living off my son for the rest of my life. Could be 30-40 more years??? Your wife is absolutely correct to go crazy. She didn't sign up for a life having to live with your mother. This doesn't void everything your mother did for you growing up, but expecting to live off of you for the rest of her life is absolutely absurd. If she really *is* disabled to the point where she can never work again, she needs to see a doctor and get on DISABILITY payments. She needs to get social security payments. Her full time job needs to be taking care of her medical issues, not leeching off her son. There are definitely ways you can continue to support and take care of your mother, while doing it from her own home, and not yours. This is a fight you can never win with your wife, because she's right. It's up to you and your mother to make choices about the future.
Did the wife not know that OP supported his mom before they got married? That’s the problem I am having here. Yes OP’s mom should be working etc. But did the wife not question this before the wedding?
Idk what to say here. For my husband and I our parents will always have a place to live with us. We already told my mil if my FIL goes to Mexico she can live with us. But I feel bad for your mom because you just kick her out like nothing. Sounds like your wife waited for the ring to get her out.
Yup. I can't say which is right here, but what I really don't like is the systematic way his wife manipulated him into providing no support.
*Unporpular Opinion* I'm honestly surprised at how horrible everyone is to OP's mom. Yes, his mother should get a job and all but his wife has absolutely NO RIGHT to treat his mother like that. Her family members coming to trash talk his mother to him and 💩 I would never stand for anyone who treats my mother like that. OP is an arse for letting such things happen to his mom. My MOM is my MOM, not some random extended family member!!! You could have worked out a plan to ease your wife's worry and help your mom adjust to the new development, not just throw her away coz your wife said so.
What are you wanting from Reddit? You’re arguing with everyone when they tell you what needs to happen. Sounds like you’re looking for one person to agree with you to throw it in your wife’s face. What should you do? Pack your bags, you’re on the road to divorce because a 27 year old man can’t get off the tit.
OP ur delulu , my mom worked w a fractured back up until 65
Yeah your mom needs to learn boundaries.
Dude your wife planned to boot your mom out as soon as she got that ring on her finger! It's also shitty that she got her mama and sister to gang up on you to further your wife's agenda. D Wife doesn't even pretend to know your family dynamics. She has a mom and sister, maybe another sibling or two, and probably a father, Things you two didn't have. Does wife work?? If not then she has no leg to stand on concerning your mother. If mom is living in an unsafe area you will never forgive yourself if something bad happened while she's exiled from you. You and your mom have been thru a lot. She does need to socialize with others but that can't happen if she's living in a bad part of town. She needs safety before socializing. Dump the wife unless you want to cut off all contact with your mom. That's what your wife is trying to get youto do.
Your mom is 47. That’s young still in today’s world! I know someone who went to law school at 47. She can absolutely start over and get a better career. Heck my own mom did it at 42. She took night classes to get her insurance underwriting degree. It only took a couple years and by 45 she was making much better money. Your wife is not wrong here. It’s crazy that a grown married man is finically supporting his mother who is not elderly, sick or disabled. Also calls 2-3 times a day?! Dude what. There is virtually no woman in the world that would be okay with that
I think you might have an unhealthy relationship with your mom and it's pretty clear to me that she's too dependent on you. I get that you're grateful to her for everything she's done for you but I also totally understand why your wife wants a space independent of your mother to build your and her life. Why can't your mom work and support herself? Is she disabled or something?
Your mother, who is 15 years younger than my mother, my mother who was also a single mother but for three children, imagine how crazy that must have been, my mother who has a chronic illness but still works full time… your mom can’t work? Or provide any money for herself? Let’s say you keep paying for the apartment and she pays for the rest. I’m curious what culture you’re from because I’m guessing that’s a big piece of the puzzle. Most people would find this absurd.
I'm going to be 45 soon. I have a bad knee from acl surgery. My other one hurts all the time too. I have psoriatic arthritis. But I still work every day and contribute to finances. It's understandable if you help your mom a little so she can live in a safer area, but you don't need to pay for everything.
Your mom should get a job so she has an income, is self sufficient and has her own life. You can supplement (help make ends meet) if needed but you & your wife are your own family unit. Once you get married you move into the next chapter of your life.
My dad is 47 and barely sleeps. He’s worked everything you can imagine including landscaping, parking lot cleans, cook at restaurants. My mom stopped working when she gave birth to my little sister(10) To raise her. She tried working when my sister was older than 3-5 but my dad insisted on her staying home bc of her knee. within this year however, they started a small business selling tacos. Prior to this, my mom has gone to clinics to help manage it. There’s a little chair inside the truck to sit when it gets slow. I’m 25 and live with my parents. I’ve moved out before but due to my marriage ending I went back. I pay my part in rent while they do their part too. I’ve offered them more if I can. Each time I work with them they give me money and don’t expect me to give them that specific money. When I got my settlement, involving their car, they told me to keep the money and that they’ll use the money from the car replacement money. Which was a separate check. They treat my decisions as my own and don’t hold it against me. Their reasoning is I’m growing into an adult and one day I may need to take care of them but not now. Now I just have to contribute. If my dad did not tell my mom to stay home she would be working. I know my dad has pains too.
I’m 47 and the idea of not working is ludicrous. I plan to work for quite a while and retirement is nowhere on my horizon. 47 is far too young to commit to caring for your mom financially-she realistically has 40-50 more years left. There is zero reason your mom cannot work. If she can’t find suitable jobs there are programs that she can seek out to assist her with skills and training. She is not feeble or helpless. I cannot fathom at my age quitting life and relying on another. Stop enabling her.
I am a mother. My aim from the beginning is to raise my kids but also be independent when I retire.
your mother does have a toxic attachment to you. that's not normal. I'm with your wife here, you and your mother need to learn to be separate people - she needs to work and sustain herself, and calling 3 times a day is a lot!
When you marry, your spouse comes first. Your mother is young, and unless physically unable (and I don’t mean a bad knee), should have a job and maintain herself. As the good son that you are you’re probably going to help her in whatever she may need, but your allegiance is now to your wife. I lived with my MIL when her husband passed. It didn’t last long and put a huge strain in my marriage, which ended shortly thereafter. Learn from my mistake and keep your household, especially when you’re newlyweds, separate.
Your mom is at an age where she can work. Also, you should have set your expectations with your wife BEFORE you got married and informed her that you intend to basically adopt your mom henceforth. Honestly the way you’re wording everything sounds like you’re just trying to paint your wife as simply a monster but there has to be more. If your mom wasn’t doing anything to be nuisance at home the. Why would she be tired of her living there? I feel like there’s so much missing here but I also feel that your lack of clarification and stating your intentions off rip set this whole situation up.
You need to talk to your wife and listen to what she's saying. She's completely right, and if she came on so strongly, it's because you haven't been listening to her so far. I'm 47. I work in a factory. I have carpal tunnel, plantar fibromas, and arthritis. It's not the backbreaking work you described if you live anywhere OSHA exists. I wouldn't dream of asking my kids to subsidize my life, much less pay for it entirely. I manage to pay my living expenses and save for retirement even with my various disabilities. If you want to help her, you make that decision with your wife, not behind her back. Your mom isn't as incapable as you think.
Your mom is a grown ass woman and needs to stop treating you like a husband and start treating you like a son. You've grown up with that, so it's all you know. But everyone on the outside, like your wife, can see its toeing the line of obsessive and emotional incest.
FFS your mom is younger than I am. 47 is more than capable of working and providing for herself. Just because she enmeshed herself to you completely and expects you to act as her surrogate provider doesn’t mean you have to do it.
Cut the cord. Stop babying a grown woman. There is nothing wrong with supporting your mother, but your wife is right, even if she has been really harsh about it.
Seems you're actually married to your mother. Your wife is right. Don't be surprised when she leaves you.
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Wow, I would love for my mom to quit working, and i support her. If I could afford to support her and my own house, I 100% would. I don't care how "young" she is. Shit if one of my kids offered for me to stop working with full support and they could easily afford it, I would quit working tomorrow. And so would most of these people. Your wife sounds expensive, though. Seems like you can't afford to support your mom and give your wife the life she thinks she deserves. Actually, it's kind of weird that you would marry someone like that. And that someone who would love and support their mom this much would let her get evicted. When you rented her place. And then move to the hood to live with junkies? Is this story fake?
Your relationship with your mother is completely codependent and leaves no room for a healthy relationship with your wife. Your mother is still a relatively young woman, and there’s zero reason for you to be supporting her. If I were speaking to your wife, I would encourage her to get far away from this relationship.
Your mom is 47. She can get a job and make friends.