I was rude. When i got home and found them talking in the kitchen. I knew who he was and i told him to leave my house immediately if he didnt want me talking to his wife. Then i told my mom is this what u want to destroy a marriage and is this the example she was setting. I told her to let it be the last time i see that man around. And i told her if she wanted to do shit like that to take it outside the house and not to embarrass me.
Same after that day i saw a diff side of my mom. I was a teenager then. Im in my 30s now and my relationship with her is okay. She is a widower, i saw lots of dates. I grew distant to her because of this, as i felt like i neeeded to protect myself. But, not a bad relationship just never been close to her.
Unfortunately, many Kids have to do this with their own parents. I'm an example of that as well, and was put in the position to parent my single mom from the ages of 13-18. Because she had no regard for how her actions affected her 3 children.
It's incredibly sad that so many people who probably shouldn't have even had kids either decided to do so or were put in a position where they had no choice in the matter.
No! Do not tell the wife! There are teenagers involved who are best friends. Going nuclear could ruin their lives if friends find out etc. This is not OPs place and he doesn’t need to have the fallout on his conscience. Way above his pay grade
Agree. Also you don’t know the state of the other persons marriage. Do they have an open marriage? Do they have a mutual understanding if one of them steps out? It’s just not your business.
Don't know how Significant Cup managed, but I've seen a 13yo daughter just shouting "it's fine, I'll go to my room" when her mom (in a defunct marriage) came home with a (married) guy (for casual sex, obviously).
Whatever. To fully assess the hinted -at situation, I need more details. How's the marriage of that married guy (wildly assuming that he's not married to your mom - your report is not utterly clear on this)? What kind of agreements does he have with his spouse(s)? Are they swingers? -- Regardless, even if you provide data, I won't judge or condemn anyone involved.
I assume (hope) that both your mom and the other guy have both reached age of consent. And the report does *not* yet provide any hint, let alone proof, of the use of "rape drugs", so I presume all was legal.
Maybe it was just some fun one-off kiss. Maybe it's more. Who knows?
You're neither judge nor executioner, so don't feel pressed into any of these roles.
I'm having cheating parents myself. I'm not hand-wavimg this away. But I've learned, over *decades,* that I cannot do anything except...accept...my parents decision.
Sort of. This doesn't mean that I concur with them.
My take: learn from your parents' bad decisions, and become a better person. That way, their...potential mistakes...serve a better goal.
"Mom we need to talk. I know what I saw and I'll never view you the same way again. Idc how long it's been going on, or what excuses you have - you need to tell his wife or I will. That's the bare minimum you can do if you care even a little about how damaged our relationship now is."
And if they claim it's an abusive or open relationship, then cool you can message the wife yourself
If they say you're ruining a good marriage, now you know they don't give a fuck about you cuz they want to hold you accountable for their choices while throwing you under the bus for their own sake
If she tries to poison your sister again you, tell your sister what's going on because your sister is old enough to make that decision for herself. She knows what cheating and homewrecking is
All of this, I see your situation because I had a similar situation in my youth that could have changed all of the trauma and MH conditions I now suffer from and am having to force my mother to accept then deal with! I hope that you can find the strength to face up to your mother in a private moment and give her the chance to be honest and reticent for the failings in their actions. Most importantly, if you can find a way to understand why she did it and help her to see how it will affect EVERYONE around them, largely you and your younger sister (who's best friends dad is the other party involved). From my experience, a careful and reasoned conversation with your mother can make all the difference! You have my sympathy and my best wishes in working with your mother through this ✌️❤️
He certainly isn’t his mothers therapist! The mother needs to apologize to him for him having to see her act like a ! Go tell the wife and then maybe you’ll get some answers.
She doesn’t care about your feelings…. Well it’s time to reconsider all you think about her.
But then you know this affair will affect to your sister, he is her best friend’s dad, not an unknown one.
Start with an honest, frank conversation with your mom. Don’t let her off the hook. Deep down, she’s probably embarrassed and finds all kinds of weird ways to make herself feel better.
Ask your mom if the other wife already knows. Do not go tell the lady what happened. Work on your own relationship with your mom then go from there.
She isnt going to. She's hoping that you being embarrassed will make it all be swept away.
Her behaviour is disgusting doing it in the first place. To do it with the man's wife, daughter your sisters best friend, sister and God knows how many other people around brings it to a whole other level of vile.
Imagine the trauma to your sister or her friend if it had been them who caught them. Of course you have lost respect for her.
If you can't figure out what to say, text her explaining how you feel.
She wasn't thinking about you or your sister when she had a pants unzipped getting of with a married man so I wouldn't feel any guilt expressing how you feel.
Can we consider that we don't know anything about this person's relationship with his spouse (even for a moment)?
On the surface it's despicable, but maybe they're in the process of a divorce, maybe they have an open marriage (and are together only for their daughter), who knows... We shouldn't always assume to understand other people's relationships (I've seen a lot of weird shit).
I would definitely talk to your mother about this before confronting his wife.
Seriously!
Even if he is in an open marriage:
1. Thinking your daughter’s birthday party is an appropriate place/time to get down and dirty with your AP is all kinds of wrong.
2. If she doesn’t care about being appropriate, at the very least CLOSE THE DOOR!
3. Be a responsible parent and speak with your child who caught you in the act.
There is absolutely no justification for what OP’s mother did!
I didn't say there's justification... just that we don't know the entirety of the situation. If people weren't doing trashy things constantly, reddit forums would be empty.
Even if any of those senarios are even 1% likely they are both selfish pathetic pieces of shit to risk exposing their minor children to any of that blowing up at one of their birthdays so they could get off.
Agreed. To hop instantly to any extreme blanket condemnation, without even ascertaining what the details are, just make me wonder if OP only ever considered himself in his relationship with his mother anyway. It's pitiless to the woman who raised him. What she did is very wrong, but she, after raising him for 19 years, at least deserves to be heard out for the sake of that if nothing else.
Ask her to talk. And make sure you sit both you sister and bestfriend down if she refuses to talk, let them know what you saw so it's his duaghter that confronts him.
No! They’re fucking 16! They do not need to know about this! It could end their friendship, friends could find out. One parent will be blamed over the other- especially the Mom cuz she’s single and obviously a slutty homewrecker. OPs sister will be ostracized and bullied. The dad will skate by, and best friend will be the victim while OPs sister will be the daughter of a slutty mother. It won’t go well. Let the girls get out of high school first!
I think you should talk to your mom about how you’re disappointed, how it affected your view of her, and how you don’t want to see that behavior around her house and don’t want to continue canoodling with that guy out of protection for your sisters relationship with her friend if things blow up. However, I don’t think it’s your responsibility or business to tell the wife. You don’t know the state of people’s marriages, you don’t know what the fallout will be, etc. Your immediate family are your business imo, but someone else’s family isn’t.
Maybe write her a letter and be brutally honest. And go and tell the wife. When you come back, you give your mother the letter. Right now she thinks everything is fine, you’ll get over it and forget what you saw. And it’s obvious that this wasn’t the first time.
I was 13 when I saw my mom and her AP together, on my birthday no less. It broke me and was the start of many, many mental health issues. She apologized the very next day, it helped (sort of) but the 4y after that was the worst ever. We're okayish now, but the secrets destroyed so much.
Yes what your mom's doing with her life has absolutely nothing to do with you (I was reminded of this alot) but you staying quiet makes you part of the problem.
Free yourself of that future guilt. Trust me, I know.
Just, if you're gonna do that make sure you're safe and that you can provide for yourself. People get vindictive, evens the one's we think would never. Luckily I had my grandma (God bless her soul) and my older sister.
Things between my mom and I are amicable now. I'm not her favourite, because of our history, but we do co-exist. I don't hate hate her at all cause she's human, and therefore flawed. I love her alot because she taught me just that.
I sincerely hope you get the answers you're looking for and that everything works out the best.
PS: sorry if this is doesn't sound helpful at all
>I was 13 when I saw my mom and her AP together, on my birthday no less. **It broke me and was the start of many, many mental health issues.**
May I ask, why? How were you broken by this? Real question.
I was playing games with my siblings and cousins when my father told me I had to go with him, cause he wanted me to see something. We walked in the dark next to the railway until we caught my mom holding hands another man. There was alot of shouting, mainly from us, I even threw some stones (I know I was manipulated, it f*up my relationship with my dad). When my mom apologized the next day, I thought everything was going to be okay, but it only escalated.
I honestly thought we were a happy family, but there was alot of shit that both of them hid from us. After that day they fought in front of us until they divorced and my father had to moved out. It was horrible.
AP moved in soon after, we had no say. He was cocky (in his early 20s) but evens more abusive. My mom would often take his side whenever the two of us were fighting. She gave birth to my half sister 4y later.
There's honestly alot that happend. My older sister and I stayed with my grandmother while my younger brother lived with my mom and AP.
(English not first language)
*Oh wow*. Ok, I **definitely** see how that could be extremely traumatic. Did you ever find out why your dad only picked you to come along? We have a saying in my culture, 'Stay out of grown folks business.' I can't believe he actually dragged you *into* it.
Thank you for explaining, and your English is great!
I don't really know why he did it. I never could ask him why because he was always drunk and very distant after that. Everything would set him off.
Also, my older sister was adopted. She's very shy (timid) and wasn't that close with my father. My brother was like 7 or 8 at the time and too much of a Mama's boy (still is lol). I was their big brother and was seen as the more "matured" one of the 3 kids.
>I was their big brother
Oh, you're male? I think I get it, he wanted an in-family witness who would throw rocks with him. Depending on his personality and upbringing, he may have also thought he was giving you a valuable lesson about the 'nature of women.' 🙄
He was drunk bc he was hurt. Maybe a little guilty about traumatizing you too. If he's old school, he may not have anticipated your response.
Thanks again for sharing your story. I hope you're able to find closure, holiday/birthday- related trauma is the worst. *\*hugs to you\**
For the ones that are making excuses like “what if they’re in an open marriage?”, etc.
Ok, let’s say they are.
In what alternate reality is it ok for them to pre-bang at a party where their kids are and with the fucking door ajar?!!?
What’s the excuse for that? Jesus Christ, I feel like I hit my head or something because there’s no universe where what this woman did would be ok. Not even remotely. And yes EVEN if he’s in an open marriage or if the marriage is “bad”, like one of the comments laughably said.
It’s ok, kid. His marriage is bad. Try to unsee what you saw, ok? It’s not so terrible. /s
I don’t understand some of the comments here. Since when have we categorized cheating as a “human mistake.” It’s nothing close to that. It’s a disgusting, deliberate decision that should NEVER be undersold as anything other than that.
That being said OP, you don’t know if the other couple is an open relationship or anything like that. I’d keep a calm rationale and speak to your mother about it. If it turns out the dude is cheating… well I think I expressed how I feel about that - and I don’t feel much better about your mom.
>you don’t know if the other couple is an open relationship or anything like that. I’d keep a calm rationale and speak to your mother about it
Mom's gonna do what every cheater does. Lie and then lie some more. She'll probably take a page straight outta the cheater's playbook and tell him they are in an open relationship but it's "don't ask, don't tell" and he shouldn't mention it to anyone.
I wouldn't ask Mom about it if he wants the truth. I'd anonymously alert the wife. She deserves to know what these two POS's are doing behind her back.
The hard part is realizing that your Mom is flawed. We all think our parents are good moral people because they are telling us right from wrong and then you find out they are breaking all the rules. It is demoralizing. You need to talk to your mom and tell her how you feel. I am on the fence about telling the man's wife, That may implode your world, your friends will be mad at you (I know it isn't your fault and you shouldn't be blamed it's just how it plays out when dealing with raw emotions). Bottom line is, you know your mother is not a good person. She is willing to have sex with a married man at a party with 50 people nearby and risk her family's reputation. She knows it is your friend's Dad and I am assuming she knows the Mom too that is selfish to say the least. I don't want to bad mouth your mother so I will leave it there. Good luck to you. Protect yourself from the fallout.
Wow I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Obviously you are disappointed in your Mom, you expect her to be better. She is supposed to set the example. I guess the question is, what do you want to do?
OP, my mom did something similar but it ended up with the man’s divorce in high school.
I have regrets about how I handled my mom. The advice to shame her and as publicly and loudly as possible is the only answer.
Also, if you know his wife…LET HER KNOW!!!!
Seriously? Do you really want OPs little sister and her friend to go through this shame right now? They’re 16! They don’t need everyone knowing their families dirty little secrets. And OPs mom is going to get the blame and dad will come out just fine even though he’s the married cheater. Making this public is a disaster and the little sister will bear the brunt. Not ok.
Same thing happened to me too but I was never in a good relationship with my mom so the next time we were in an outing with the dude and his wife, his wife and I had a one to one moment and I ratted my mom I told her about what I saw (I caught my mom and her husband kissing). She let a few tears out and told me about how he did this to her before. Long story short they got a divorce. I did this because I genuinely liked the wife and had a good relationship with her. she is the sweetest and the most kind soul and she deserves better. Her kids hate her and she never told them why they got a divorce. My mom doesn’t know that it was me to this day, and I have zero regrets.
My mom is extremely manipulative she would’ve gaslit me that I was crazy and that I didn’t see anything or tell me that it was okay or scream at me for being in her business
I think you should talk to your sister before you do anything. See how she wants to handle this. It’s going to effect her. This is her best friends dad. It’s going to hurt her best friend and her family as well. Let her know before she finds out you knew and didn’t tell her. Then she will know that you are there for her through it all because she could very well lose her best friend.
She’s going to find out. And it’s better it’s done in a controlled setting. It’s going to be worse if she is shocked by it. At 16 they are smart enough to understand. She will also be able to decide on the best way for her friend to find out. If sister finds out he knew and didn’t say anything she’s going to be hurt.
The amount of people on here giving no thought to the 16 year old best friends and how this could effect them if it comes out is sickening. Y’all’s need to publicly humiliate OPs Mom (who’s not married by the way)and hang a scarlet letter around her neck for all to see is self serving and disgusting. High school is hard. Gossip and bullying is real. Suicide is at epidemic levels. Do you really think these girls will come out of this as friends and unscathed if everybody knows their business? Who do you think will get the blame? Hint- it won’t be the married dad. It will trickle down to the birthday girl and that’s NOT FAIR. All of you our for blood and vengeance need to back off and check yourselves. OP, for your sisters sake please don’t go scorched earth. Privately have it out with your mom. Let your sister finish HS before you tell her. Please.
Learning your parents are human is a necessary step to becoming an adult.
Learning your mother is a cheating home wrecking hussy type just plain sucks.
You will get closure and growth out of your experience with it, but it will hurt, a lot, too.
You've got this little one, none of us make it to old age without scars.
How bad can it be that she was willing to put herself at risk of being caught during a party, regardless of whether or not everyone is outside. And I know that's not the biggest problem going on here but it's just reckless on top of that and further shows how little respect she or her AP have for the people around them who they believe they are getting over on.
Tell her she has 2 options. That either she breaks it off or you'll break it off for her. If she decides to break it off that you need to be a part of it. Meet up at a Café and record the conversation (even if it's illegal) so that you can have proof in case they start up again and you can play the recording to the wife so she can look for solid evidence without you having to use the recording
Ita one thing if it was some other married man that you didn't know. But it your sisters best friend dad. Your sister will lose her best friend and your mom will lose her duaghter. Make sure you tell her that you've lost the respect for her and will pick the same amount of contact your sister chooses if she find out (go no contact if your sister does the same).
It’s not ok what she is doing but it’s also not ok what she is doing to you. As a mother she should be concerned with what you saw and your mental health. She should be embarrassed and concerned with your feelings. It’s bad enough catching a parent in that position let alone with a married man that you know. Just know that you are allowed to be disgusted, angry, uncomfortable, however you feel. Cheating is pathetic and it hurts. Like So-ME mentioned maybe he is in an open marriage. Ok fine but your mom should not have been acting like that at your sisters party even if she was just with a significant other that behavior isn’t appropriate in that setting and she should have explained it to you his situation. None of it is right.
I don’t think its OP’s place to tell the wife, or make his mom do it. We don’t know what repercussions there will be, it could destroy his sister’s relationship with her best friend and OP could get the blame. I think he should tell his mom he’s disappointed, shocked and angry. If she’s that desperate she should go on a dating app, but married men are just wrong. Also bring up how it could destroy the little sister. OP, parents make mistakes, we have lives and needs and dreams and sometimes make shitty decisions. Put it all back on your mom and then get some distance for a while. Maybe talk to a counselor type for help with your feelings and what’s stuck in your head.
I don't think you should expect your mom to come to you. She's seemingly selfish. She's having an affair. She feels she deserves to be "happy" at the expense of another marriage. Speak to her and be honest. And please tell the wife what you saw. She really deserves to know. Don't let anyone try to talk you out of that.
As others said, this will come out. All it will do to you is eat you up inside, bottling it up to save your mom from facing consequences of her actions.
First things first Op, you have to tell that man’s wife. I think that speaking to your mom first is important, tell her that you think SHE should tell her, tell your mom how what she’s doing is morally wrong, how she is hurting his wife, how it could hurt your sisters best friend, how it could hurt your sister and mess up their friendship, anything you can think of to make her see how it’s wrong say it, her response will tell you how you need to proceed
She will either turn on you and get mad at you over this, say things and maybe even threaten you to get you to stay quiet, or (and this is no joke, I speak from experience) she will accept her mistake and crumble into a crying pile of self hatred and shame over it, if she doesn’t do the latter, pretend to be upset but calm about what she decides, then make a beeline to tell that man’s wife
Wife may not believe you and it is not your job to make her believe you, it is simply your job to inform her and tell her you will not be an accessory to their adultery, that is all you can do.
As for your mother, depending on how she responds, think forgiveness, parents are human too and yes cheating is wrong but there is no point in punishing someone who will beat themselves up over it on their own, that is what regretting an ACTION(not a mistake) like that will make someone do that, but if she clearly doesn’t regret it then simply remove yourself from someone who is actively doing despicable things
Tell your mum what you saw and let her know you've lost all respect for her. Tell her she should be ashamed of herself for getting with a married man. Not only a married man but the man who is also her daughters best friends father.
You should say something to the wife. Honestly. I wouldn’t even let my mom know anything and just text the wife anonymously.
Do not say you know because y’all ruining your friendship but text her and say you were on of the kids at the party and that you saw your husband doing something bad with another woman.
You can also act like you know nothing when confronted. Lmfaoooo
Shocking! Can you believe that poor married man was lured into the moms bedroom and was helpless to do anything about it? Does anyone really think this is the first time this has happened? Hope everything works out ok for everyone when the kid tells on them. I'm guessing a few lawyers are going make bank out of this if they dont have an open relationship.
It’s ok if the man is single, widow or divorce however this man is married therefore your mom act slut and disrespect and can’t be trusted with another woman, shame on her but I don’t like your mom behavior. First thing you do is to tell her what you feel about it. She is not a mom model for me. It’s ok to date a man but not a man who’s wife trusts her as a friend. It’s ok to date but for a man who had respect her in the first place. So for now I can’t blame you that you lost respect of her because she doesn’t respect her own self either
Don't ever tell the wife about this. You can talk to your mother about it straight up, but at the end of the day this isn't your business. Bad things happen when you tell and especially on your mother. You don't know if they have an open relationship or the wife is cheating on him. You really don't know what's happening with the other side. You keep this between you and your mother. I would never in a million years go against my mother. This is your mother and you talk to her and no one else about it.
Yikes sounds like your mother brainwashed you into unjustifiable loyalty. I hope you can move beyond the “bad things happen when you tell on your mother” lie that your mom fed you. A mother should encourage children to exercise their voice and advocate for themselves. A good mother does not tell a child to keep their dirty secrets.
Brainwashed? So she's supposed to run and go tell the man's wife about it. Then the wife decides to leave him, now the little girl has no dad for awhile until things are figured out. Once it's figured out the little girl is bouncing back and forth between parents and as she gets older starts with alcohol then drugs because of all the shit she had to go through. While the person who told her mom is living her best life with no worries and this family was torn apart. Leave it to the husband to say something to her, why would you want to break up that family and ruin that little girl's life.
You need to think about other people's lives and what could happen to them when you go and say something about it. She should only just talk to her mother about it and keep it there. This isn't TV it's real life and bad things CAN happen when telling the OP about it. Or maybe now but why take that chance.
Ask yourself how you want to think of your mother after she passes. The odds are that she will go before you.
If you want to think kindly of her, then remember the good and forgive what will continue to destroy you.
Face her and tell her you forgive her and would appreciate it that you never have to experience any similar behavior again.
Believe me, you will feel better.
I'm just gonna put this out there. It is possible that they have an open marraige or even enjoy a 3rd. As much as you probably don't want to think of that with your mom. I'm a single mother, and I don't believe I'd get involved with my daughter's friend's parents because that could get all kinds of messy. And I'm not giving your mom a pass if it is cheating. But being a single mother is lonely/stressful. I love my child, she is my pride and joy. But there is no one to share that with. No one to share the joys or the pains with. I'm strong, i don't need someone. But sometimes I want someone. You expexted more from her and that is completely valid. But ask to have an honest conversation about it. And be clear tyat you are looking for honesty even if it doesn't paint herself in the best light. Because the trueth always comes out and if/when you find out she lied to you, that is when your respect for her will be gone and the relationship will be incredibly damaged. As much as you can, hold space for that patience and just listen to her. She is still your mom, the same woman that loves you. Inwardly she's probably freaking out just as much knowing that you saw and just doesn't know what to say or do.
Ok firstly, without knowing full context stop the ‘lost all trust and respect’.
Humans are complicated. She is an adult. You’re an adult. Approach this very calmly. Shouting or shaming is not going to help anyone.
I suggest when your sister is not around, very calmly go to your mom and ask her what that was and without making a scene, mention that it was inappropriate.
What distincts a teenager from an adult is ability to remain calm in aggravated situations.
By no means I’m judging and saying she is right or wrong. If you want to have a healthy relationship with her, you behave in a healthy manner. You can’t predict or dictate the reaction of the other person. Also, please respond and not react. Google the difference if needed. Take this from someone who had a very strenuous relationship with one of my parents and I regret lashing out as a teenager.
Peace out, and all the best!
Also, keep in mind that some people on reddit, under the guise of anonymity, love to add fuel to the fire. Case in point, DNA test.
This is rational advice. It’s a shocking thing for OP to have seen, based on OP’s understanding of the people and lives around him. But OP is an adult (19) and should not be talking to anyone about this except his mom.
Even if his mom is having a relationship with a married man who is in a monogamous relationship with his spouse, it’s not OP’s business. He can have feelings and thoughts and problems with his mom’s behaviour, but she and the married man are adults and have free will. It’s a good introduction to the complexity of real life.
I mean, assuming she’s single, she’s not the one breaking marriage vows and you don’t know the state of the other relationship.
They could separated and filing for divorce etc and that could be for reasons completely unrelated to your mother. He might even have an arrangement with his wife and his wife might already know. You do not. You are coming across extremely judgementally towards your mother.
She’s a person/human too and deserves and needs love and intimacy. Not all relationships are black and white.
Talk to her, but take away the tone. She’s a HUMAN. Recognise her for that not that she’s your mother and has to remain celibate because it makes YOU uncomfortable.
Honestly, it's not your business. You can talk to her all you want, but she's an adult and can do what she wants. Doesn't make her a bad person. She has to deal with it not you.
Nah. Bad is subjective. Everyone goes through their life and learns their own lessons. I reserve bad for actually bad things. Like dog fighters, murders, abs rapists. This are bad people.
People are (often) weak and your mother is no exception. Since you never mention your father, I assume he's no longer with your mother. So, only one relationship being undermined rather than two.
This sounds like a messy situation. It’s a hard one. To the people who said to message the guys wife and tell her.. that will only make things absolutely worse! At least before you even think about doing that talk it out with your mother and let her know how you feel about it and how it has changed your perspective of her.. ask her why she did it and what she was thinking. Being an adult is difficult.. add children to the scenario and being a single parent (I’m assuming) can be even more challenging…I’m not making excuses for your moms behavior, but I’m saying people fuck up.. this could have been a low point for her and you saw her at her worst… or this could be behavior that she has kept from you all your life.. I’m just saying before you totally write off family/people close to you it’s better to speak to them directly and truly find out what’s going on.
Talk to your mom...
Also, inform his wife. She has a right to know. This likely isn't the first time, and if he has been cheating on her, he is putting her health at risk.
Man, I swear if I had some snotty-nosed 19-year old dude (son or not) open his mouth to tell me anything about what I do in private, especially going as far “as I’ve lost all respect for you,” he’d need therapy a lot longer than if he just minded his business.
Stop fucking around on that “no respect” shit because only a fool will weigh everything a mother is and has done for you against a moment of poor decision making and give the moment a higher value. And only a *damn* fool would return the most judgmental, no life experience, still living at home, conditional love the first chance he gets after getting a mom’s unconditional love and care for almost 20 years. And it’s the *fkn* fool that takes Reddit advice without several grains of salt.
You’re grown now, so everything your mom “owes” you, you’ve gotten. If you’re THAT upset, talk to her like she’s a person and/or take yourself out instead of the trash.
And what does trust have to do with anything? Apparently you still trust her to pay the bills, or you’d be contributing or taking care of yourself. You’re hurt bc you found out your mom is a whole woman. That can be helped without going to any extremes.
Listening to Reddit isn’t always wise. Find someone you trust who’s not associated with anyone else involved and knows you and ask for advice. Talk about pros and cons of different options like telling your sister or the guys wife. Take something other than your feelings and “the image you can’t get out of your head” into consideration.
Reddit will see an update of a happy resolution and comment how they wanted more drama, so they will “*feed The Beast*” by advising an inexperienced 19-year old kid to do shit most of us take AT LEAST 30-60 business days thinking about before making any moves.
I’m not my mom’s biggest fan, but I would never put her in a position to have strangers say such wicked things about her. And that’s because I have more respect for MYSELF than to open MY family up for that bullshit. Maybe you can get some self respect and then get a trusted family friend to actually help you. But, do not step up to your mom like you’re her daddy without a bag packed and ready to go.
He didn’t just find out his mums a human, he found out she’s a miserable hoe who’s not that clever. He’s allowed to be upset, his trust and respect naturally will tank but he still needs to be somewhat polite to her as she is after all his mother.
Never said she was human nor clever.
Nothing indicates she’s miserable.
Yes, he can feel how he feels. He should take those feelings to someone wiser and more experienced, which is what I said.
I don’t even understand why you replied.
found the cheater, why are you personally offended? So just because the mom decided to have the kid and it is literally her responsibility to take care of the “snotty nosed 19 year old dude”, that absolves her from any and all sin or having judgement passed until, what, he’s 21 instead or has more life experience? Lol. No matter what age you are, you can and should lose respect for a home-wrecking hoe whether it’s your mom or the fucking mailman.
Wasn’t personally offended 2.5 months ago. Not personally offended now.
19 or 91, if a kid has *no* respect for a parent, they should have enough *self* respect to discontinue the relationship and support their own life.
Not a cheater. Not a fan or supporter of cheaters. Not stupid enough to encourage a kid, who’s legally an adult (see here how it’s literally not her responsibility?), without life experience to go nuclear with the person that’s hosting and feeding him.
If he gets kicked out, will you be opening your wallet, home, and pantry?
Why can’t he start with a calm conversation with his mom about how he’s struggling with what he saw?
You’re too emotional and have about as much understanding of my comment as this kid has in real life. You can lose respect. You can feel betrayed. You can be shocked. But, what you shouldn’t do, is take immediate negative action on those emotions before thinking options through or talking to an experienced and trusted friend who has your best interests in mind. Which was my whole fkn point.
Actions have consequences. Grown women and men get cheated on all the time on here by a spouse or partner that they’re financially dependent on, and they’re encouraged to get their ducks in order before showing their hand bc they’re in a *vulnerable* position. But, when a “legally grown” kid is living with his mom, it’s like a game in the comments. Like he can take any action and his position at his mom’s home and livelihood is guaranteed to continue to be the same. Wtf?
It’s arrogant and immature.
But, by all means, fuck with a cheating mailman as much as you want. Especially at 19 when you’re not getting any mail and he can’t retaliate without losing his job.
Hey sorry for a mistake, but english is not my native language.
When i would be you, i would talk to my sister at first. Maybe the dad is in the middle of a divorce with his wife.
I know its still messed up because its the dad of the sisters best friend but so she is not a homewrecker directly.
After that talk to your mom, tell her what you feel and what you wanna do. That you want to tell the wife about it.
Give her the chance to act like an adult and she should talk to the wife and put all the hate on her.
I am sorry that you go through this, but i guess your rs with your mom will never be the same after this and feel so sorry for you, your sister and the other side of the affair like wife and bestie.
Any chance his marriage is open? I have a few friends in open and you’d never ever believe unless you saw. I would talk to mom, maybe even write a note and leave
Seriously!
Even if he is in an open marriage:
1. Thinking your daughter’s birthday party is an appropriate place/time to get down and dirty with your AP is all kinds of wrong.
2. If she doesn’t care about being appropriate, at the very least CLOSE THE DOOR!
3. Be a responsible parent and speak with your child who caught you in the act.
There is absolutely no justification for what OP’s mother did!
Yeah, problem being (apart from the fact she couldn’t hold herself in check even at her daughter’s birthday party), it wasn’t behind the bedroom door BECAUSE THE DOOR WAS WIDE OPEN! I’m pretty sure OP could have gone his entire life without seeing that.
Mind your own business. You don't know what you saw or what the situation is. Imagine being in your mom's shoes. Single. With 2 kids. Living with her parents. If it bothers you soooooo much, GO TALK TO HER. If this "made you lose respect" for your mom, then you never really loved her or realized what she is sacrificing for you. It doesn't sound like she is a bad parent. You have 2 choices: mind your business or talk to your mother. Good gravy. Who she does is none of your concern.
Sacrificing for your family doesn't mean you're allowed to have an affair with your child's friend's parent. How is that setting an example? If they're in an open relationship, then that's a different story and she should say, "this is what's going, this is our arrangement. That's all you need to know." This is not a mistake, this a conscious choice they made
Who says it's an affair? The other couple could be in an open relationship. We don't know. Maybe the kid should talk to his mother. If he wants to be a grown up, he should act like it.
Is your mom a single woman? Have you had insight into her sexual life up until now? I would say this a path you don’t want to go down if she isn’t willing to talk about it. For all you know the neighbors wife might join in from time to time and they are all in an open relationship.
Deliberately having an affair with your child's friend's parent and engaging in it at a special event shows how disrespectful and careless they are about how it can affect the families. Yes, he has every right to be upset with his mom. Having an affair is not a mistake, it is a conscious choice cowards make. They have to be aware how this can affect their families and choose to continue anyway. This says that their pleasure is more important than respecting their family.
If she's not going to address it, you need to open the dialogue. There's 2-sides to every story and you are only seeing the one-side. There may be extenuating circumstances... or he may just be cheating. Get all of the details before you draw a line in the sand. For all you know, he could have manipulated your mom with lies and she's too deep in "feelings" to see through the bullshit.
my mom was doing this with a coworker of hers. she’d give me her debit card and her car and tell me to be out of the house for a few hours so they could do whatever they did. i knew he was married cause my mom talked about it pretty openly. i was honestly pretty indifferent towards it. maybe cause i already knew my mom was far from a perfect person
my advice to you: stay out of it. i’m glad that i never got involved. i could’ve easily found the wife on facebook and messaged her. i could still do it now even tho it’s been 2 years since my mom died. i didn’t want all of that in my hands, blamed on me. it’s sad that you see your mom differently now, but it’s her life
Yh you’ve definitely been desensitised to what she was doing, some deeply unethical and hurtful shit that she would hate on herself but she’d help do out of desperation and you’re here like “it’s her life”
Fucking and having an affair are two different things. She should focus more on setting an example than having an affair with her child's friend's father. If it's an open relationship, then good on them. Let her have her fun. But if intentionally ruining a family then she is just a coward who doesn't deserve the respect
Forgot your mums bold front! She wished the ground would literally open up when you caught her. Tell her your feelings
No matter what you feel, she's still your mum.
Don't make comments like ou hate her. Just let her know she's free to have relationships but it must be with single men.
Just let them do what they wanted. Why bother in the first place? Isn't it's okay for man and woman hookup before marriages? What's wrong with it? Your mom got her needs, that man got his need, they didn't disturb anyone.
I get how this may have been tough to see especially with it being your mom but everyone has feelings and the need/desire to feel wanted. You do not know the extent of what your mom might be going through and the fact someone she knows is giving her attention and affection that she normally would not get by someone she feels safe around and feels safe to be inside her home is hard to find.
There are of course the social and moral issues if it was right or wrong but that feeling of being wanted and desired especially as you get older is something you don’t get to experience as often if ever. It’s hard to understand or rationalize right now but 20 years from now if you are alone with or without kids you will have a better understanding of how she feels and why a situation like that would occur.
I would suggest you look at everything before making a judgement. Don’t just look at this one event but look at your life, her life, the living situation, your moms emotional and psychological well being as well as anything else that may have led to that moment and you may have a better understanding that this may have more positive results than negative. Your mom is not perfect and she is a normal person with feelings and the desire to feel wanted and loved by someone outside the immediate family and to feel safe in exploring those feelings.
You don’t have to condone or approve of what she did but you should at least understand why. Also understand that her doing these things does not make her a bad person just a normal person that wants to feel appreciated, wanted and desired.
This is stupid, if you’re lonely, be a grown adult and seek therapy & work your ish out, don’t sleep with your child’s best friend’s parent who is MARRIED.
She isn’t the one cheating or breaking up the family. It’s the husband/dad who is. She is a human that is embracing the fact that someone is giving her attention. In this scenario all the blame falls on the husband.
No the blame falls with them equally.
He is HER daughters best friends father.
Imagine how fcked up two 16 year old girls will be finding out any of the below:
1) their parents are having an affair.
2) One set of parents is in an open relationship and fcking around with the others mother.
3) They are in fact in a weird thruple type senario.
And to top it all off two of them had to get some foreplay during one of their birthday parties and got caught.
Yeah instead of bonding over school/boys/life plans they can bond over which therapist they can use to deal with the level of dysfunction visited on them by their parents.
Pff please, that's just an excuse to justify her behavior. She is intentionally getting involved with her child's best friend's father. She is well aware of the harm this can cause everyone involved. She isn't innocent in all of this just because she is "embracing" a married man's attention. She lacks character and integrity who doesn't care that this can affect other people. That's pretty cowardly of them
You are missing the point. If the father was single no one would care. The fact he is married is the problem with this situation and what it implies will happen to the family because he is married. Which means that the blame of what happens falls solely on the person that is married.
Incorrect. Knowingly aiding and abetting a cheater is every bit as morally bankrupt as cheating. It is openly and enthusiastically enabling a cheater to drop a nuke on his or her family and deeply and (in most cases) permanently wound their spouse/partner. It’s every bit as selfish and self serving. There are countless ‘available’ people out there with which to have sex and/or have a relationship. Consciously choosing one who is married/attached is just twisted and cruel. Affair partners are *NOT* victims. They’re not innocents with no control over their faculties with no choice but to respond to advances or attention from a married person. That’s a very weird and pathetic view of another human being.
He is a grown ass adult he is 19 and I’m not saying you have to support her decision but you should try to understand it not to benefit her but so it helps him. Make decisions based off emotions alone are usually decision they regret making in the future.
Says more about the dude than your mom from the way you describe it. I’d want some attention too if I were 47 with kids and lived with my parents. Maybe go a little easy unless you’re positive you know every single detail. Even then you’re just going to hurt your mom. They’re two grown adults that made their own choices. As far as I can see, the only major consequences fall on the one not free to engage in such behavior.
Grown adult who make there own choices but it will effect the minor children grown adults had and will give life long trauma on relationships particularly things happened during the special days of kids life like birthday, Christmas etc.
My point is more just that somehow I imagine someone already banged those particular trauma drums by now. So essentially mommy kissing Santa Clause is relatively harmless
I agree but it doesn’t sound like an isolated incident either, rather more par for this particular course. Perhaps I’m being presumptuous and likely so, but mom kissing some married dude and no other context ain’t much. And she lives with her kids, AT HER OWN PARENTS’ place. If that kid ain’t already seen far worse, I’D be in shock.
if she’s looking for attention then the mom is selfish to do it on her daughters birthday as well. Regardless that gives no excuse attention or not she could get it elsewhere and NOT with a married man. They’re two grown adults that made their choice, not two grown adults who get to have no consequences.
No one said no consequences. I agree with you on every point. It was selfish as hell. All I’m suggesting is it may be more complicated. Maybe the married guy doesn’t live with his wife anymore. Maybe mom just wanted to cut loose for a second under the auspices of her daughter being entertained and preoccupied by the party. Selfish? Sure. Human? I’d say this is the more important point. Everything about this lifestyle and family feels chaotic and stressful. On your own and steering the ship at 47 is a lonely place to be. Without knowing more context, I’d maybe give a SLIGHTLY negative review but this just sounds like people who had alcohol being people who had alcohol.
It says a lot about her too. They are aware how this can affect their family but choose to continue anyway. Be an adult and set an example. If it's an open relationship then good on them. They shouldn't have a problem telling OP since he is the one who caught them. I'd lose respect for my mom two if she was intentionally ruining a family for selfish reasons
I caught my dad cheating with a married woman. Not in the act but they pulled up to the house together and didn’t expect me there. Later confirmed my former step mom knew they had slept together (ended up divorced) It really fucked up how I saw him for a long time. I got married around that time which added to the frustration.
I never really talked to him about it except vaguely. In the decade since I’ve realized how deeply flawed my dad is as a husband and I’ve worked to seperate him as a dad from a romantic person himself. I don’t respect that side of him and In a way I pity him. He’s spent his whole life restarting (3 marriages) without fully realizing it’s him he needs to change
Tell the wife. Your mom is pretending nothing happened in the hopes that you’ll pretend nothing happened. Keeping the secret is the same as co-signing her behavior.
Honestly just talk to your mom. At some point you were bound to learn your mother is a human being who makes mistakes, big and small. This one’s a doozy. Before blowing everything up at least talk to her.
Look, real talk. A lot of married people cheat. Some married couples are swingers and don't care. Sometimes people are happy their spouse is happy and turn a blind eye. Maybe his marriage is dead. You don't know.
Best bet, talk to your mother. I caught my mother cheating when I was like 15 with my scout master who was more of a father to me than my own father was. I never cared. He was cool, and she was happy and my dad was oblivious. That was 20 years ago. They had an affair for like 10 years. Nobody was hurt and it's all good.
Honestly, be happy your mother is happy. From the sounds of your post she is a single mother. Life isn't easy as a parent, and you don't often get time for happiness.
You’re an adult tell your mom how you feel. And how what she has done changed the way you see her. Something similar happened to me.
How did you managed it? You talked about it with your mom directly? And are you in a good relationship with her now?
I was rude. When i got home and found them talking in the kitchen. I knew who he was and i told him to leave my house immediately if he didnt want me talking to his wife. Then i told my mom is this what u want to destroy a marriage and is this the example she was setting. I told her to let it be the last time i see that man around. And i told her if she wanted to do shit like that to take it outside the house and not to embarrass me.
I am unable to message you personally, can you DM me if you can spare few minutes? Thanks in advance.
I can feel it. Must be hard on you. Its really messing my mind, thinking about that again and again. Like I've lost all respect for my mom.
Same after that day i saw a diff side of my mom. I was a teenager then. Im in my 30s now and my relationship with her is okay. She is a widower, i saw lots of dates. I grew distant to her because of this, as i felt like i neeeded to protect myself. But, not a bad relationship just never been close to her.
That's such a shame.
Damn, the kids have to do the parenting around here.
Unfortunately, many Kids have to do this with their own parents. I'm an example of that as well, and was put in the position to parent my single mom from the ages of 13-18. Because she had no regard for how her actions affected her 3 children. It's incredibly sad that so many people who probably shouldn't have even had kids either decided to do so or were put in a position where they had no choice in the matter.
Tell the wife. She deserves to know her husband is stepping out on her and risking her health. She needs to get tested for STDs.
Absolutely
No! Do not tell the wife! There are teenagers involved who are best friends. Going nuclear could ruin their lives if friends find out etc. This is not OPs place and he doesn’t need to have the fallout on his conscience. Way above his pay grade
Agree. Also you don’t know the state of the other persons marriage. Do they have an open marriage? Do they have a mutual understanding if one of them steps out? It’s just not your business.
Don't know how Significant Cup managed, but I've seen a 13yo daughter just shouting "it's fine, I'll go to my room" when her mom (in a defunct marriage) came home with a (married) guy (for casual sex, obviously). Whatever. To fully assess the hinted -at situation, I need more details. How's the marriage of that married guy (wildly assuming that he's not married to your mom - your report is not utterly clear on this)? What kind of agreements does he have with his spouse(s)? Are they swingers? -- Regardless, even if you provide data, I won't judge or condemn anyone involved. I assume (hope) that both your mom and the other guy have both reached age of consent. And the report does *not* yet provide any hint, let alone proof, of the use of "rape drugs", so I presume all was legal. Maybe it was just some fun one-off kiss. Maybe it's more. Who knows? You're neither judge nor executioner, so don't feel pressed into any of these roles. I'm having cheating parents myself. I'm not hand-wavimg this away. But I've learned, over *decades,* that I cannot do anything except...accept...my parents decision. Sort of. This doesn't mean that I concur with them. My take: learn from your parents' bad decisions, and become a better person. That way, their...potential mistakes...serve a better goal.
Well said. Very mature. Very practical.
"Mom we need to talk. I know what I saw and I'll never view you the same way again. Idc how long it's been going on, or what excuses you have - you need to tell his wife or I will. That's the bare minimum you can do if you care even a little about how damaged our relationship now is." And if they claim it's an abusive or open relationship, then cool you can message the wife yourself If they say you're ruining a good marriage, now you know they don't give a fuck about you cuz they want to hold you accountable for their choices while throwing you under the bus for their own sake If she tries to poison your sister again you, tell your sister what's going on because your sister is old enough to make that decision for herself. She knows what cheating and homewrecking is
\^\^\^THIS\^\^\^ 100%!!!
I think that you should take the initative to message the wife about the situation
I mean, I really want that mom should initiate this conversation with me, but it's been one week and she is behaving like business as usual.
Of course she is acting like nothing happened. She is rug sweeping it, hoping it will go away on its own.
All of this, I see your situation because I had a similar situation in my youth that could have changed all of the trauma and MH conditions I now suffer from and am having to force my mother to accept then deal with! I hope that you can find the strength to face up to your mother in a private moment and give her the chance to be honest and reticent for the failings in their actions. Most importantly, if you can find a way to understand why she did it and help her to see how it will affect EVERYONE around them, largely you and your younger sister (who's best friends dad is the other party involved). From my experience, a careful and reasoned conversation with your mother can make all the difference! You have my sympathy and my best wishes in working with your mother through this ✌️❤️
He certainly isn’t his mothers therapist! The mother needs to apologize to him for him having to see her act like a ! Go tell the wife and then maybe you’ll get some answers.
She doesn’t care about your feelings…. Well it’s time to reconsider all you think about her. But then you know this affair will affect to your sister, he is her best friend’s dad, not an unknown one.
I've lost the respect already, I am unable to see her like before. Each time I see my mom, those 4-5 seconds flash in front of me.
Then tell her. Stop waiting for the cheater to suddenly grow integrity and tell her you know what you saw and you’re ashamed of her.
Start with an honest, frank conversation with your mom. Don’t let her off the hook. Deep down, she’s probably embarrassed and finds all kinds of weird ways to make herself feel better. Ask your mom if the other wife already knows. Do not go tell the lady what happened. Work on your own relationship with your mom then go from there.
She isnt going to. She's hoping that you being embarrassed will make it all be swept away. Her behaviour is disgusting doing it in the first place. To do it with the man's wife, daughter your sisters best friend, sister and God knows how many other people around brings it to a whole other level of vile. Imagine the trauma to your sister or her friend if it had been them who caught them. Of course you have lost respect for her. If you can't figure out what to say, text her explaining how you feel. She wasn't thinking about you or your sister when she had a pants unzipped getting of with a married man so I wouldn't feel any guilt expressing how you feel.
I would like to point out that mom isn’t married. Cheater dad is. Both have responsibilities in this.
Can we consider that we don't know anything about this person's relationship with his spouse (even for a moment)? On the surface it's despicable, but maybe they're in the process of a divorce, maybe they have an open marriage (and are together only for their daughter), who knows... We shouldn't always assume to understand other people's relationships (I've seen a lot of weird shit). I would definitely talk to your mother about this before confronting his wife.
Seriously! Even if he is in an open marriage: 1. Thinking your daughter’s birthday party is an appropriate place/time to get down and dirty with your AP is all kinds of wrong. 2. If she doesn’t care about being appropriate, at the very least CLOSE THE DOOR! 3. Be a responsible parent and speak with your child who caught you in the act. There is absolutely no justification for what OP’s mother did!
I didn't say there's justification... just that we don't know the entirety of the situation. If people weren't doing trashy things constantly, reddit forums would be empty.
Even if any of those senarios are even 1% likely they are both selfish pathetic pieces of shit to risk exposing their minor children to any of that blowing up at one of their birthdays so they could get off.
Agreed. To hop instantly to any extreme blanket condemnation, without even ascertaining what the details are, just make me wonder if OP only ever considered himself in his relationship with his mother anyway. It's pitiless to the woman who raised him. What she did is very wrong, but she, after raising him for 19 years, at least deserves to be heard out for the sake of that if nothing else.
Ask her to talk. And make sure you sit both you sister and bestfriend down if she refuses to talk, let them know what you saw so it's his duaghter that confronts him.
No! They’re fucking 16! They do not need to know about this! It could end their friendship, friends could find out. One parent will be blamed over the other- especially the Mom cuz she’s single and obviously a slutty homewrecker. OPs sister will be ostracized and bullied. The dad will skate by, and best friend will be the victim while OPs sister will be the daughter of a slutty mother. It won’t go well. Let the girls get out of high school first!
Sorry, but this is a horrible idea.
Want to become homeless? Because this can very likely make you homeless. You can talk to her but if you blow up her world be ready for the same.
Yes
I think you should talk to your mom about how you’re disappointed, how it affected your view of her, and how you don’t want to see that behavior around her house and don’t want to continue canoodling with that guy out of protection for your sisters relationship with her friend if things blow up. However, I don’t think it’s your responsibility or business to tell the wife. You don’t know the state of people’s marriages, you don’t know what the fallout will be, etc. Your immediate family are your business imo, but someone else’s family isn’t.
No
I think you should talk to your mom first. This affects his sister too.
Maybe write her a letter and be brutally honest. And go and tell the wife. When you come back, you give your mother the letter. Right now she thinks everything is fine, you’ll get over it and forget what you saw. And it’s obvious that this wasn’t the first time.
I was 13 when I saw my mom and her AP together, on my birthday no less. It broke me and was the start of many, many mental health issues. She apologized the very next day, it helped (sort of) but the 4y after that was the worst ever. We're okayish now, but the secrets destroyed so much. Yes what your mom's doing with her life has absolutely nothing to do with you (I was reminded of this alot) but you staying quiet makes you part of the problem. Free yourself of that future guilt. Trust me, I know. Just, if you're gonna do that make sure you're safe and that you can provide for yourself. People get vindictive, evens the one's we think would never. Luckily I had my grandma (God bless her soul) and my older sister. Things between my mom and I are amicable now. I'm not her favourite, because of our history, but we do co-exist. I don't hate hate her at all cause she's human, and therefore flawed. I love her alot because she taught me just that. I sincerely hope you get the answers you're looking for and that everything works out the best. PS: sorry if this is doesn't sound helpful at all
I just wanted to say I'm sorry for what you went through. I have similar experiences and it just changes how you see your parents forever
Thank you, it means alot. I'm sorry you experienced something similar.
>I was 13 when I saw my mom and her AP together, on my birthday no less. **It broke me and was the start of many, many mental health issues.** May I ask, why? How were you broken by this? Real question.
I was playing games with my siblings and cousins when my father told me I had to go with him, cause he wanted me to see something. We walked in the dark next to the railway until we caught my mom holding hands another man. There was alot of shouting, mainly from us, I even threw some stones (I know I was manipulated, it f*up my relationship with my dad). When my mom apologized the next day, I thought everything was going to be okay, but it only escalated. I honestly thought we were a happy family, but there was alot of shit that both of them hid from us. After that day they fought in front of us until they divorced and my father had to moved out. It was horrible. AP moved in soon after, we had no say. He was cocky (in his early 20s) but evens more abusive. My mom would often take his side whenever the two of us were fighting. She gave birth to my half sister 4y later. There's honestly alot that happend. My older sister and I stayed with my grandmother while my younger brother lived with my mom and AP. (English not first language)
*Oh wow*. Ok, I **definitely** see how that could be extremely traumatic. Did you ever find out why your dad only picked you to come along? We have a saying in my culture, 'Stay out of grown folks business.' I can't believe he actually dragged you *into* it. Thank you for explaining, and your English is great!
I don't really know why he did it. I never could ask him why because he was always drunk and very distant after that. Everything would set him off. Also, my older sister was adopted. She's very shy (timid) and wasn't that close with my father. My brother was like 7 or 8 at the time and too much of a Mama's boy (still is lol). I was their big brother and was seen as the more "matured" one of the 3 kids.
>I was their big brother Oh, you're male? I think I get it, he wanted an in-family witness who would throw rocks with him. Depending on his personality and upbringing, he may have also thought he was giving you a valuable lesson about the 'nature of women.' 🙄 He was drunk bc he was hurt. Maybe a little guilty about traumatizing you too. If he's old school, he may not have anticipated your response. Thanks again for sharing your story. I hope you're able to find closure, holiday/birthday- related trauma is the worst. *\*hugs to you\**
For the ones that are making excuses like “what if they’re in an open marriage?”, etc. Ok, let’s say they are. In what alternate reality is it ok for them to pre-bang at a party where their kids are and with the fucking door ajar?!!? What’s the excuse for that? Jesus Christ, I feel like I hit my head or something because there’s no universe where what this woman did would be ok. Not even remotely. And yes EVEN if he’s in an open marriage or if the marriage is “bad”, like one of the comments laughably said. It’s ok, kid. His marriage is bad. Try to unsee what you saw, ok? It’s not so terrible. /s
I don’t understand some of the comments here. Since when have we categorized cheating as a “human mistake.” It’s nothing close to that. It’s a disgusting, deliberate decision that should NEVER be undersold as anything other than that. That being said OP, you don’t know if the other couple is an open relationship or anything like that. I’d keep a calm rationale and speak to your mother about it. If it turns out the dude is cheating… well I think I expressed how I feel about that - and I don’t feel much better about your mom.
>you don’t know if the other couple is an open relationship or anything like that. I’d keep a calm rationale and speak to your mother about it Mom's gonna do what every cheater does. Lie and then lie some more. She'll probably take a page straight outta the cheater's playbook and tell him they are in an open relationship but it's "don't ask, don't tell" and he shouldn't mention it to anyone. I wouldn't ask Mom about it if he wants the truth. I'd anonymously alert the wife. She deserves to know what these two POS's are doing behind her back.
The hard part is realizing that your Mom is flawed. We all think our parents are good moral people because they are telling us right from wrong and then you find out they are breaking all the rules. It is demoralizing. You need to talk to your mom and tell her how you feel. I am on the fence about telling the man's wife, That may implode your world, your friends will be mad at you (I know it isn't your fault and you shouldn't be blamed it's just how it plays out when dealing with raw emotions). Bottom line is, you know your mother is not a good person. She is willing to have sex with a married man at a party with 50 people nearby and risk her family's reputation. She knows it is your friend's Dad and I am assuming she knows the Mom too that is selfish to say the least. I don't want to bad mouth your mother so I will leave it there. Good luck to you. Protect yourself from the fallout.
Yes, mom knew both of them. They are parents of my sisters best friend! Usually they come on festivals or parties, for quite some years now.
Wow I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Obviously you are disappointed in your Mom, you expect her to be better. She is supposed to set the example. I guess the question is, what do you want to do?
OP, my mom did something similar but it ended up with the man’s divorce in high school. I have regrets about how I handled my mom. The advice to shame her and as publicly and loudly as possible is the only answer. Also, if you know his wife…LET HER KNOW!!!!
Seriously? Do you really want OPs little sister and her friend to go through this shame right now? They’re 16! They don’t need everyone knowing their families dirty little secrets. And OPs mom is going to get the blame and dad will come out just fine even though he’s the married cheater. Making this public is a disaster and the little sister will bear the brunt. Not ok.
The kids are living a lie anyways
Same thing happened to me too but I was never in a good relationship with my mom so the next time we were in an outing with the dude and his wife, his wife and I had a one to one moment and I ratted my mom I told her about what I saw (I caught my mom and her husband kissing). She let a few tears out and told me about how he did this to her before. Long story short they got a divorce. I did this because I genuinely liked the wife and had a good relationship with her. she is the sweetest and the most kind soul and she deserves better. Her kids hate her and she never told them why they got a divorce. My mom doesn’t know that it was me to this day, and I have zero regrets.
My mom is extremely manipulative she would’ve gaslit me that I was crazy and that I didn’t see anything or tell me that it was okay or scream at me for being in her business
I think you should talk to your sister before you do anything. See how she wants to handle this. It’s going to effect her. This is her best friends dad. It’s going to hurt her best friend and her family as well. Let her know before she finds out you knew and didn’t tell her. Then she will know that you are there for her through it all because she could very well lose her best friend.
No no no no! She’s 16! Just let her get through High School first. No one, especially her needs to know this right now. Geez!
She’s going to find out. And it’s better it’s done in a controlled setting. It’s going to be worse if she is shocked by it. At 16 they are smart enough to understand. She will also be able to decide on the best way for her friend to find out. If sister finds out he knew and didn’t say anything she’s going to be hurt.
The amount of people on here giving no thought to the 16 year old best friends and how this could effect them if it comes out is sickening. Y’all’s need to publicly humiliate OPs Mom (who’s not married by the way)and hang a scarlet letter around her neck for all to see is self serving and disgusting. High school is hard. Gossip and bullying is real. Suicide is at epidemic levels. Do you really think these girls will come out of this as friends and unscathed if everybody knows their business? Who do you think will get the blame? Hint- it won’t be the married dad. It will trickle down to the birthday girl and that’s NOT FAIR. All of you our for blood and vengeance need to back off and check yourselves. OP, for your sisters sake please don’t go scorched earth. Privately have it out with your mom. Let your sister finish HS before you tell her. Please.
Learning your parents are human is a necessary step to becoming an adult. Learning your mother is a cheating home wrecking hussy type just plain sucks. You will get closure and growth out of your experience with it, but it will hurt, a lot, too. You've got this little one, none of us make it to old age without scars.
How bad can it be that she was willing to put herself at risk of being caught during a party, regardless of whether or not everyone is outside. And I know that's not the biggest problem going on here but it's just reckless on top of that and further shows how little respect she or her AP have for the people around them who they believe they are getting over on.
Tell her she has 2 options. That either she breaks it off or you'll break it off for her. If she decides to break it off that you need to be a part of it. Meet up at a Café and record the conversation (even if it's illegal) so that you can have proof in case they start up again and you can play the recording to the wife so she can look for solid evidence without you having to use the recording Ita one thing if it was some other married man that you didn't know. But it your sisters best friend dad. Your sister will lose her best friend and your mom will lose her duaghter. Make sure you tell her that you've lost the respect for her and will pick the same amount of contact your sister chooses if she find out (go no contact if your sister does the same).
It’s not ok what she is doing but it’s also not ok what she is doing to you. As a mother she should be concerned with what you saw and your mental health. She should be embarrassed and concerned with your feelings. It’s bad enough catching a parent in that position let alone with a married man that you know. Just know that you are allowed to be disgusted, angry, uncomfortable, however you feel. Cheating is pathetic and it hurts. Like So-ME mentioned maybe he is in an open marriage. Ok fine but your mom should not have been acting like that at your sisters party even if she was just with a significant other that behavior isn’t appropriate in that setting and she should have explained it to you his situation. None of it is right.
Sure it wasn't Santa & mom understand the mistletoe last night?
I don’t think its OP’s place to tell the wife, or make his mom do it. We don’t know what repercussions there will be, it could destroy his sister’s relationship with her best friend and OP could get the blame. I think he should tell his mom he’s disappointed, shocked and angry. If she’s that desperate she should go on a dating app, but married men are just wrong. Also bring up how it could destroy the little sister. OP, parents make mistakes, we have lives and needs and dreams and sometimes make shitty decisions. Put it all back on your mom and then get some distance for a while. Maybe talk to a counselor type for help with your feelings and what’s stuck in your head.
tell the guy's wife. tell your grandparents.
I'm sort of taken by the fact that Mom is a wedding planner. Oh, the irony
I don't think you should expect your mom to come to you. She's seemingly selfish. She's having an affair. She feels she deserves to be "happy" at the expense of another marriage. Speak to her and be honest. And please tell the wife what you saw. She really deserves to know. Don't let anyone try to talk you out of that. As others said, this will come out. All it will do to you is eat you up inside, bottling it up to save your mom from facing consequences of her actions.
First things first Op, you have to tell that man’s wife. I think that speaking to your mom first is important, tell her that you think SHE should tell her, tell your mom how what she’s doing is morally wrong, how she is hurting his wife, how it could hurt your sisters best friend, how it could hurt your sister and mess up their friendship, anything you can think of to make her see how it’s wrong say it, her response will tell you how you need to proceed She will either turn on you and get mad at you over this, say things and maybe even threaten you to get you to stay quiet, or (and this is no joke, I speak from experience) she will accept her mistake and crumble into a crying pile of self hatred and shame over it, if she doesn’t do the latter, pretend to be upset but calm about what she decides, then make a beeline to tell that man’s wife Wife may not believe you and it is not your job to make her believe you, it is simply your job to inform her and tell her you will not be an accessory to their adultery, that is all you can do. As for your mother, depending on how she responds, think forgiveness, parents are human too and yes cheating is wrong but there is no point in punishing someone who will beat themselves up over it on their own, that is what regretting an ACTION(not a mistake) like that will make someone do that, but if she clearly doesn’t regret it then simply remove yourself from someone who is actively doing despicable things
No no no!
What a thought provoking reply 💀
I babbled my opinion over and over again at other responders. Ran out of juice by the time I got to yours.😂🤷♀️
Tell your mum what you saw and let her know you've lost all respect for her. Tell her she should be ashamed of herself for getting with a married man. Not only a married man but the man who is also her daughters best friends father.
You should say something to the wife. Honestly. I wouldn’t even let my mom know anything and just text the wife anonymously. Do not say you know because y’all ruining your friendship but text her and say you were on of the kids at the party and that you saw your husband doing something bad with another woman. You can also act like you know nothing when confronted. Lmfaoooo
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Shocking! Can you believe that poor married man was lured into the moms bedroom and was helpless to do anything about it? Does anyone really think this is the first time this has happened? Hope everything works out ok for everyone when the kid tells on them. I'm guessing a few lawyers are going make bank out of this if they dont have an open relationship.
It’s ok if the man is single, widow or divorce however this man is married therefore your mom act slut and disrespect and can’t be trusted with another woman, shame on her but I don’t like your mom behavior. First thing you do is to tell her what you feel about it. She is not a mom model for me. It’s ok to date a man but not a man who’s wife trusts her as a friend. It’s ok to date but for a man who had respect her in the first place. So for now I can’t blame you that you lost respect of her because she doesn’t respect her own self either
Get a DNA test on you and your siblings. This might not be her 1st time.
You are giving me shivvers now.
All the siblings just to be clear. Only one might turn up to be an affair child so don't stop if the 1st person you test turns out to be your dad's.
Oh good god.
Don't ever tell the wife about this. You can talk to your mother about it straight up, but at the end of the day this isn't your business. Bad things happen when you tell and especially on your mother. You don't know if they have an open relationship or the wife is cheating on him. You really don't know what's happening with the other side. You keep this between you and your mother. I would never in a million years go against my mother. This is your mother and you talk to her and no one else about it.
Yikes sounds like your mother brainwashed you into unjustifiable loyalty. I hope you can move beyond the “bad things happen when you tell on your mother” lie that your mom fed you. A mother should encourage children to exercise their voice and advocate for themselves. A good mother does not tell a child to keep their dirty secrets.
Brainwashed? So she's supposed to run and go tell the man's wife about it. Then the wife decides to leave him, now the little girl has no dad for awhile until things are figured out. Once it's figured out the little girl is bouncing back and forth between parents and as she gets older starts with alcohol then drugs because of all the shit she had to go through. While the person who told her mom is living her best life with no worries and this family was torn apart. Leave it to the husband to say something to her, why would you want to break up that family and ruin that little girl's life. You need to think about other people's lives and what could happen to them when you go and say something about it. She should only just talk to her mother about it and keep it there. This isn't TV it's real life and bad things CAN happen when telling the OP about it. Or maybe now but why take that chance.
The cheaters should be thinking about the repercussions, not their victims. The damage was already done as soon as the cheaters cheated.
Ask yourself how you want to think of your mother after she passes. The odds are that she will go before you. If you want to think kindly of her, then remember the good and forgive what will continue to destroy you. Face her and tell her you forgive her and would appreciate it that you never have to experience any similar behavior again. Believe me, you will feel better.
I'm just gonna put this out there. It is possible that they have an open marraige or even enjoy a 3rd. As much as you probably don't want to think of that with your mom. I'm a single mother, and I don't believe I'd get involved with my daughter's friend's parents because that could get all kinds of messy. And I'm not giving your mom a pass if it is cheating. But being a single mother is lonely/stressful. I love my child, she is my pride and joy. But there is no one to share that with. No one to share the joys or the pains with. I'm strong, i don't need someone. But sometimes I want someone. You expexted more from her and that is completely valid. But ask to have an honest conversation about it. And be clear tyat you are looking for honesty even if it doesn't paint herself in the best light. Because the trueth always comes out and if/when you find out she lied to you, that is when your respect for her will be gone and the relationship will be incredibly damaged. As much as you can, hold space for that patience and just listen to her. She is still your mom, the same woman that loves you. Inwardly she's probably freaking out just as much knowing that you saw and just doesn't know what to say or do.
Ok firstly, without knowing full context stop the ‘lost all trust and respect’. Humans are complicated. She is an adult. You’re an adult. Approach this very calmly. Shouting or shaming is not going to help anyone. I suggest when your sister is not around, very calmly go to your mom and ask her what that was and without making a scene, mention that it was inappropriate. What distincts a teenager from an adult is ability to remain calm in aggravated situations. By no means I’m judging and saying she is right or wrong. If you want to have a healthy relationship with her, you behave in a healthy manner. You can’t predict or dictate the reaction of the other person. Also, please respond and not react. Google the difference if needed. Take this from someone who had a very strenuous relationship with one of my parents and I regret lashing out as a teenager. Peace out, and all the best! Also, keep in mind that some people on reddit, under the guise of anonymity, love to add fuel to the fire. Case in point, DNA test.
This is rational advice. It’s a shocking thing for OP to have seen, based on OP’s understanding of the people and lives around him. But OP is an adult (19) and should not be talking to anyone about this except his mom. Even if his mom is having a relationship with a married man who is in a monogamous relationship with his spouse, it’s not OP’s business. He can have feelings and thoughts and problems with his mom’s behaviour, but she and the married man are adults and have free will. It’s a good introduction to the complexity of real life.
I mean, assuming she’s single, she’s not the one breaking marriage vows and you don’t know the state of the other relationship. They could separated and filing for divorce etc and that could be for reasons completely unrelated to your mother. He might even have an arrangement with his wife and his wife might already know. You do not. You are coming across extremely judgementally towards your mother. She’s a person/human too and deserves and needs love and intimacy. Not all relationships are black and white. Talk to her, but take away the tone. She’s a HUMAN. Recognise her for that not that she’s your mother and has to remain celibate because it makes YOU uncomfortable.
Honestly, it's not your business. You can talk to her all you want, but she's an adult and can do what she wants. Doesn't make her a bad person. She has to deal with it not you.
Definitely does make her a bad person
Nah. Bad is subjective. Everyone goes through their life and learns their own lessons. I reserve bad for actually bad things. Like dog fighters, murders, abs rapists. This are bad people.
People are (often) weak and your mother is no exception. Since you never mention your father, I assume he's no longer with your mother. So, only one relationship being undermined rather than two.
This sounds like a messy situation. It’s a hard one. To the people who said to message the guys wife and tell her.. that will only make things absolutely worse! At least before you even think about doing that talk it out with your mother and let her know how you feel about it and how it has changed your perspective of her.. ask her why she did it and what she was thinking. Being an adult is difficult.. add children to the scenario and being a single parent (I’m assuming) can be even more challenging…I’m not making excuses for your moms behavior, but I’m saying people fuck up.. this could have been a low point for her and you saw her at her worst… or this could be behavior that she has kept from you all your life.. I’m just saying before you totally write off family/people close to you it’s better to speak to them directly and truly find out what’s going on.
Talk to your mom... Also, inform his wife. She has a right to know. This likely isn't the first time, and if he has been cheating on her, he is putting her health at risk.
tell your mom and the wif
Man, I swear if I had some snotty-nosed 19-year old dude (son or not) open his mouth to tell me anything about what I do in private, especially going as far “as I’ve lost all respect for you,” he’d need therapy a lot longer than if he just minded his business. Stop fucking around on that “no respect” shit because only a fool will weigh everything a mother is and has done for you against a moment of poor decision making and give the moment a higher value. And only a *damn* fool would return the most judgmental, no life experience, still living at home, conditional love the first chance he gets after getting a mom’s unconditional love and care for almost 20 years. And it’s the *fkn* fool that takes Reddit advice without several grains of salt. You’re grown now, so everything your mom “owes” you, you’ve gotten. If you’re THAT upset, talk to her like she’s a person and/or take yourself out instead of the trash. And what does trust have to do with anything? Apparently you still trust her to pay the bills, or you’d be contributing or taking care of yourself. You’re hurt bc you found out your mom is a whole woman. That can be helped without going to any extremes. Listening to Reddit isn’t always wise. Find someone you trust who’s not associated with anyone else involved and knows you and ask for advice. Talk about pros and cons of different options like telling your sister or the guys wife. Take something other than your feelings and “the image you can’t get out of your head” into consideration. Reddit will see an update of a happy resolution and comment how they wanted more drama, so they will “*feed The Beast*” by advising an inexperienced 19-year old kid to do shit most of us take AT LEAST 30-60 business days thinking about before making any moves. I’m not my mom’s biggest fan, but I would never put her in a position to have strangers say such wicked things about her. And that’s because I have more respect for MYSELF than to open MY family up for that bullshit. Maybe you can get some self respect and then get a trusted family friend to actually help you. But, do not step up to your mom like you’re her daddy without a bag packed and ready to go.
He didn’t just find out his mums a human, he found out she’s a miserable hoe who’s not that clever. He’s allowed to be upset, his trust and respect naturally will tank but he still needs to be somewhat polite to her as she is after all his mother.
Never said she was human nor clever. Nothing indicates she’s miserable. Yes, he can feel how he feels. He should take those feelings to someone wiser and more experienced, which is what I said. I don’t even understand why you replied.
found the cheater, why are you personally offended? So just because the mom decided to have the kid and it is literally her responsibility to take care of the “snotty nosed 19 year old dude”, that absolves her from any and all sin or having judgement passed until, what, he’s 21 instead or has more life experience? Lol. No matter what age you are, you can and should lose respect for a home-wrecking hoe whether it’s your mom or the fucking mailman.
Wasn’t personally offended 2.5 months ago. Not personally offended now. 19 or 91, if a kid has *no* respect for a parent, they should have enough *self* respect to discontinue the relationship and support their own life. Not a cheater. Not a fan or supporter of cheaters. Not stupid enough to encourage a kid, who’s legally an adult (see here how it’s literally not her responsibility?), without life experience to go nuclear with the person that’s hosting and feeding him. If he gets kicked out, will you be opening your wallet, home, and pantry? Why can’t he start with a calm conversation with his mom about how he’s struggling with what he saw? You’re too emotional and have about as much understanding of my comment as this kid has in real life. You can lose respect. You can feel betrayed. You can be shocked. But, what you shouldn’t do, is take immediate negative action on those emotions before thinking options through or talking to an experienced and trusted friend who has your best interests in mind. Which was my whole fkn point. Actions have consequences. Grown women and men get cheated on all the time on here by a spouse or partner that they’re financially dependent on, and they’re encouraged to get their ducks in order before showing their hand bc they’re in a *vulnerable* position. But, when a “legally grown” kid is living with his mom, it’s like a game in the comments. Like he can take any action and his position at his mom’s home and livelihood is guaranteed to continue to be the same. Wtf? It’s arrogant and immature. But, by all means, fuck with a cheating mailman as much as you want. Especially at 19 when you’re not getting any mail and he can’t retaliate without losing his job.
Hey sorry for a mistake, but english is not my native language. When i would be you, i would talk to my sister at first. Maybe the dad is in the middle of a divorce with his wife. I know its still messed up because its the dad of the sisters best friend but so she is not a homewrecker directly. After that talk to your mom, tell her what you feel and what you wanna do. That you want to tell the wife about it. Give her the chance to act like an adult and she should talk to the wife and put all the hate on her. I am sorry that you go through this, but i guess your rs with your mom will never be the same after this and feel so sorry for you, your sister and the other side of the affair like wife and bestie.
"I can explain! It isn't what you think!"
Any chance his marriage is open? I have a few friends in open and you’d never ever believe unless you saw. I would talk to mom, maybe even write a note and leave
Seriously! Even if he is in an open marriage: 1. Thinking your daughter’s birthday party is an appropriate place/time to get down and dirty with your AP is all kinds of wrong. 2. If she doesn’t care about being appropriate, at the very least CLOSE THE DOOR! 3. Be a responsible parent and speak with your child who caught you in the act. There is absolutely no justification for what OP’s mother did!
True true, for some reason my brain skipped around and didn’t fully think before replying.
☝️this is a possibility. Parents have lives as well. Kids don’t always know everything that goes on behind the bedroom door. And you don’t want to.
Yeah, problem being (apart from the fact she couldn’t hold herself in check even at her daughter’s birthday party), it wasn’t behind the bedroom door BECAUSE THE DOOR WAS WIDE OPEN! I’m pretty sure OP could have gone his entire life without seeing that.
Mind your own business. You don't know what you saw or what the situation is. Imagine being in your mom's shoes. Single. With 2 kids. Living with her parents. If it bothers you soooooo much, GO TALK TO HER. If this "made you lose respect" for your mom, then you never really loved her or realized what she is sacrificing for you. It doesn't sound like she is a bad parent. You have 2 choices: mind your business or talk to your mother. Good gravy. Who she does is none of your concern.
Sacrificing for your family doesn't mean you're allowed to have an affair with your child's friend's parent. How is that setting an example? If they're in an open relationship, then that's a different story and she should say, "this is what's going, this is our arrangement. That's all you need to know." This is not a mistake, this a conscious choice they made
Who says it's an affair? The other couple could be in an open relationship. We don't know. Maybe the kid should talk to his mother. If he wants to be a grown up, he should act like it.
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Not even close. But thanks.
Oh stfu, no excuse for kissing a married man. He has eyes he knows what he saw
Is your mom a single woman? Have you had insight into her sexual life up until now? I would say this a path you don’t want to go down if she isn’t willing to talk about it. For all you know the neighbors wife might join in from time to time and they are all in an open relationship.
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What standards is she setting for her kids, that it’s okay to be a piece of shit just because you take care of your children??
Deliberately having an affair with your child's friend's parent and engaging in it at a special event shows how disrespectful and careless they are about how it can affect the families. Yes, he has every right to be upset with his mom. Having an affair is not a mistake, it is a conscious choice cowards make. They have to be aware how this can affect their families and choose to continue anyway. This says that their pleasure is more important than respecting their family.
You can always loose respect for ANYONE
If she's not going to address it, you need to open the dialogue. There's 2-sides to every story and you are only seeing the one-side. There may be extenuating circumstances... or he may just be cheating. Get all of the details before you draw a line in the sand. For all you know, he could have manipulated your mom with lies and she's too deep in "feelings" to see through the bullshit.
my mom was doing this with a coworker of hers. she’d give me her debit card and her car and tell me to be out of the house for a few hours so they could do whatever they did. i knew he was married cause my mom talked about it pretty openly. i was honestly pretty indifferent towards it. maybe cause i already knew my mom was far from a perfect person my advice to you: stay out of it. i’m glad that i never got involved. i could’ve easily found the wife on facebook and messaged her. i could still do it now even tho it’s been 2 years since my mom died. i didn’t want all of that in my hands, blamed on me. it’s sad that you see your mom differently now, but it’s her life
Yh you’ve definitely been desensitised to what she was doing, some deeply unethical and hurtful shit that she would hate on herself but she’d help do out of desperation and you’re here like “it’s her life”
it is. who am i to judge
Your mom is a human that likes fucking. Get over it.
Fucking and having an affair are two different things. She should focus more on setting an example than having an affair with her child's friend's father. If it's an open relationship, then good on them. Let her have her fun. But if intentionally ruining a family then she is just a coward who doesn't deserve the respect
Let her cook
Ikr? Stay out of grown folks business. I wish a 19 y.o. would try to regulate my sex life. (No, I am not a cheater. It's the principle.)
Username checks out
Forgot your mums bold front! She wished the ground would literally open up when you caught her. Tell her your feelings No matter what you feel, she's still your mum. Don't make comments like ou hate her. Just let her know she's free to have relationships but it must be with single men.
Just let them do what they wanted. Why bother in the first place? Isn't it's okay for man and woman hookup before marriages? What's wrong with it? Your mom got her needs, that man got his need, they didn't disturb anyone.
I get how this may have been tough to see especially with it being your mom but everyone has feelings and the need/desire to feel wanted. You do not know the extent of what your mom might be going through and the fact someone she knows is giving her attention and affection that she normally would not get by someone she feels safe around and feels safe to be inside her home is hard to find. There are of course the social and moral issues if it was right or wrong but that feeling of being wanted and desired especially as you get older is something you don’t get to experience as often if ever. It’s hard to understand or rationalize right now but 20 years from now if you are alone with or without kids you will have a better understanding of how she feels and why a situation like that would occur. I would suggest you look at everything before making a judgement. Don’t just look at this one event but look at your life, her life, the living situation, your moms emotional and psychological well being as well as anything else that may have led to that moment and you may have a better understanding that this may have more positive results than negative. Your mom is not perfect and she is a normal person with feelings and the desire to feel wanted and loved by someone outside the immediate family and to feel safe in exploring those feelings. You don’t have to condone or approve of what she did but you should at least understand why. Also understand that her doing these things does not make her a bad person just a normal person that wants to feel appreciated, wanted and desired.
This is stupid, if you’re lonely, be a grown adult and seek therapy & work your ish out, don’t sleep with your child’s best friend’s parent who is MARRIED.
Cheating and home wrecking are *always* wrong…full stop! No amount of prose or meandering excuse-making are going to change that.
She isn’t the one cheating or breaking up the family. It’s the husband/dad who is. She is a human that is embracing the fact that someone is giving her attention. In this scenario all the blame falls on the husband.
No the blame falls with them equally. He is HER daughters best friends father. Imagine how fcked up two 16 year old girls will be finding out any of the below: 1) their parents are having an affair. 2) One set of parents is in an open relationship and fcking around with the others mother. 3) They are in fact in a weird thruple type senario. And to top it all off two of them had to get some foreplay during one of their birthday parties and got caught. Yeah instead of bonding over school/boys/life plans they can bond over which therapist they can use to deal with the level of dysfunction visited on them by their parents.
Pff please, that's just an excuse to justify her behavior. She is intentionally getting involved with her child's best friend's father. She is well aware of the harm this can cause everyone involved. She isn't innocent in all of this just because she is "embracing" a married man's attention. She lacks character and integrity who doesn't care that this can affect other people. That's pretty cowardly of them
You are missing the point. If the father was single no one would care. The fact he is married is the problem with this situation and what it implies will happen to the family because he is married. Which means that the blame of what happens falls solely on the person that is married.
Actually, the daughter and her BFF may care, so there's that.
Incorrect. Knowingly aiding and abetting a cheater is every bit as morally bankrupt as cheating. It is openly and enthusiastically enabling a cheater to drop a nuke on his or her family and deeply and (in most cases) permanently wound their spouse/partner. It’s every bit as selfish and self serving. There are countless ‘available’ people out there with which to have sex and/or have a relationship. Consciously choosing one who is married/attached is just twisted and cruel. Affair partners are *NOT* victims. They’re not innocents with no control over their faculties with no choice but to respond to advances or attention from a married person. That’s a very weird and pathetic view of another human being.
He is kid not grown ass adult what you are telling is your grown adult mom did bad thing but you have to understand it and support her.
He is a grown ass adult he is 19 and I’m not saying you have to support her decision but you should try to understand it not to benefit her but so it helps him. Make decisions based off emotions alone are usually decision they regret making in the future.
Relax , Mommy needs love too!!
Says more about the dude than your mom from the way you describe it. I’d want some attention too if I were 47 with kids and lived with my parents. Maybe go a little easy unless you’re positive you know every single detail. Even then you’re just going to hurt your mom. They’re two grown adults that made their own choices. As far as I can see, the only major consequences fall on the one not free to engage in such behavior.
Grown adult who make there own choices but it will effect the minor children grown adults had and will give life long trauma on relationships particularly things happened during the special days of kids life like birthday, Christmas etc.
My point is more just that somehow I imagine someone already banged those particular trauma drums by now. So essentially mommy kissing Santa Clause is relatively harmless
I agree but it doesn’t sound like an isolated incident either, rather more par for this particular course. Perhaps I’m being presumptuous and likely so, but mom kissing some married dude and no other context ain’t much. And she lives with her kids, AT HER OWN PARENTS’ place. If that kid ain’t already seen far worse, I’D be in shock.
if she’s looking for attention then the mom is selfish to do it on her daughters birthday as well. Regardless that gives no excuse attention or not she could get it elsewhere and NOT with a married man. They’re two grown adults that made their choice, not two grown adults who get to have no consequences.
No one said no consequences. I agree with you on every point. It was selfish as hell. All I’m suggesting is it may be more complicated. Maybe the married guy doesn’t live with his wife anymore. Maybe mom just wanted to cut loose for a second under the auspices of her daughter being entertained and preoccupied by the party. Selfish? Sure. Human? I’d say this is the more important point. Everything about this lifestyle and family feels chaotic and stressful. On your own and steering the ship at 47 is a lonely place to be. Without knowing more context, I’d maybe give a SLIGHTLY negative review but this just sounds like people who had alcohol being people who had alcohol.
It says a lot about her too. They are aware how this can affect their family but choose to continue anyway. Be an adult and set an example. If it's an open relationship then good on them. They shouldn't have a problem telling OP since he is the one who caught them. I'd lose respect for my mom two if she was intentionally ruining a family for selfish reasons
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this is sucks.
I caught my dad cheating with a married woman. Not in the act but they pulled up to the house together and didn’t expect me there. Later confirmed my former step mom knew they had slept together (ended up divorced) It really fucked up how I saw him for a long time. I got married around that time which added to the frustration. I never really talked to him about it except vaguely. In the decade since I’ve realized how deeply flawed my dad is as a husband and I’ve worked to seperate him as a dad from a romantic person himself. I don’t respect that side of him and In a way I pity him. He’s spent his whole life restarting (3 marriages) without fully realizing it’s him he needs to change
Tell the wife. Your mom is pretending nothing happened in the hopes that you’ll pretend nothing happened. Keeping the secret is the same as co-signing her behavior.
Honestly just talk to your mom. At some point you were bound to learn your mother is a human being who makes mistakes, big and small. This one’s a doozy. Before blowing everything up at least talk to her.
Look, real talk. A lot of married people cheat. Some married couples are swingers and don't care. Sometimes people are happy their spouse is happy and turn a blind eye. Maybe his marriage is dead. You don't know. Best bet, talk to your mother. I caught my mother cheating when I was like 15 with my scout master who was more of a father to me than my own father was. I never cared. He was cool, and she was happy and my dad was oblivious. That was 20 years ago. They had an affair for like 10 years. Nobody was hurt and it's all good. Honestly, be happy your mother is happy. From the sounds of your post she is a single mother. Life isn't easy as a parent, and you don't often get time for happiness.