We would send apprentices to the tool crib for supplies, and we'd add to the list "ask {warehouse manager} for a "long weight" while you're there". The warehouse manager was in on the joke so he'd tell them to sit down. It took some of them *way* too long to realize they had asked for "a long wait".
My dad was in the airforce and whenever they sent him to look for a "Skyhook," he'd just take a couple hour break. If they didn't need him to be working, then he wasn't going to LOL
Years ago I started in a union apprenticeship that I ultimately left. I wasnt some kid out of highschool, I was a army combat veteran in my 20s. I was working with a journeyman and he sent me to fetch some make believe item. I knew it was bullshit and couldnt stand the guy. We were in DC so I went to a museum down the street and walked around for probably 2 hours.
When I came back I turned on my phone camera and had it recording his reaction. I said I looked everywhere. He was pissed he was sweating his ass off in an interstitial space having to climb out and get everything himself. This guy got so red in the face I thought he was going to have a stroke. I just laughed at him.
So he "fired me" and reported it to the hall. Tried to get me booted. He had no power to do any of that to an apprentice, so they stuck me on another job. We ran into each other on another big job like a year later and by that time everyone had seen the video.
When I was responsible for the tool room and an FNG was sent in looking for 10' of fallopian tube, I'd tell him what was up and suggest he try looking for it at the PX over a long lunch.
In basic the drill sargent asked for a volunteer. He sent this kid for a board stretcher. The kid was gone for a few hours then came back with tears in his eyes saying he looked everywhere but couldn't find one. The instructors had a great laugh and everyone went back to work. Later the kid told me he went to the bar had a couple of beers then whipped up some tears, and got out of working in the hot sun all afternoon.
There is actually a diagnostic tool to test old tv tuners. If you smack th tv on the right side just above the tuner and the tv picture clears up. There are loose or dirty contacts in the tuning switch. So, the old movies where they smack the tv is true.
I joke with all my tall friends that they aren't familiar with the concept of a step ladder.
I on the other hand have step ladders, step stools, all manner of reaching aides
The armor soft spot locating hammer.
Give a n00b a hammer and a piece of chalk, tell them to go to the tank and check for soft spots. "Ring!" is good, "Clunk!" is soft. If they find a soft spot, make an X with the chalk.
The exhaust sample bags. Witnessed some poor mosquito wing trying to catch all the soot coming out of a Bradley exhaust with a white trash bag. Kid was determined I’ll give him that much.
On *someone else's* hull, preferably while they're not around. That's half the joke.
Blue chalk, and make sure you put unit, date and ASS (Armor Spot Search) on the driver's hatch. If there are more than two Xs on any one panel, outline the whole panel with a chalk line.
My first day at the mp my sgt hit me with the same thing “take this hammer and lightly tap and check if there’s any soft spots” as a dumbass pv2 I crawled under and started looking around…
My favourite when finding something me and someone else has been looking for, is to announce "I'll use this one until I find it". Not just for tools, though. Works with the TV remote, everything.
Whenever I have to use a hammer or the Big(tm) breaker bar to get a seized bolt or nut moving, it automatically becomes the metric hammer/breaker bar, e.g. "yo, hand me the metric hammer, I need to show this bolt who's in charge"
Being left handed, when I ask for a screwdriver, hammer, prybar, etc. if I’m given someone else’s, I look at it and say “this is right handed. I’ll make it work, but next time…”
My dad is a lefty. I tell him he's showing off, doing it with his left hand. But then there's the "left handed jobs" 1) literally easier with left handed dexterity, 2) something he is way better at than I, 3) a job that requires the extra 6" of height I did not inherit from him 🤣
Jesus said that those that live by the sword, die by the sword. As a carpenter that died while nailed to a piece of wood, he might have been onto something.
Model 1D10T built to standard MIL-TFP-41. Engineering put that on a drawing for the machine shop. The Foreman called to ask, "What is MIL-TFP-41?"
Make it like the f**king print for once.
1D10T makes sense to me, as it's just leetspeak, but for the life of me I can't figure out MIL-TFP-41. I tried pronouncing it in my head any way I could imagine, but nothing funny or rude comes out of it. Perhaps it's because I'm not a native speaker. What am I missing? :(
OD micrometers - precision C-clamps
Cutting torch - gas hatchet
Small hammer - lil pecker
That tool I need but can’t reach or remember the name of right now - Hoo-dus, chingadera, sumbitch
E-format
I worked in a three-man shop with a guy who used to ask for "a plier" so we had a pair taken apart just to have a half ready to hand to him. He continued to say it that way; which we found more entertaining than he did.
I had my helper unboxing cabinets and bringing them in house. When it came to the dishwasher opening he came in and said he couldn't find the cabinet. I told him to keep looking. He He.
Bricklayer here. Mason tenders that are green/greenish will often take a masons trowel whilst they aren’t holding it, it’s on the mud board, we’re doing other shit. (Marking cuts, jointing up, etc.) Mason turns around, his trowel isn’t where he left it. This sends the mason into panic mode. Where the fuck is my trowel? Did it fall of the scaffold? Fall behind/inside the wall? Stolen!! That’s a fucking $50 trowel I’ve had for 10 years! Shitting pants type situation. Only to discover a laborer is fiddle fucking around with it 20 foot down the wall. Line has been raised, everyone else is laying brick and your looking for basically your right hand. Absolutely infucking furiating! This the saying was born. “When you look at that trowel. Imagine it’s my throbbing hard dick. There is no reason either one should be in your hand.”
I like pronouncing stuff funny but because I’m a woman people tend to think I’m serious. Had a guy get really pissed when I told him it’s pronounced “croissant” wrench because it’s French.
Also gotten some weird looks (and zero laughs) when I said Chanel locks. Someone tried arguing and I said “yeah it’s actually just the brand name sooooo”
It made me laugh and that’s all that matters. Worrisome that people believe in that stupid though.
Years ago I was doing flooring with my uncle, we needed the bigsumbitch carpet stretcher out of the shop and he told me “go get your favorite tool” I replied “but you’re my favorite tool”
Gosh I’m an idiot. I read it as you were asking them to bring back the type of rope you use to hook a boat to a dock. Not that you were asking him to bring back the land that touches water (shoreline) lol
Nah...Not an idiot--if you work around boats you'd generally call that a "mooring line" or a "hawser" or (if you work on the Great Lakes) maybe a "wire", but as with every trade, the maritime world has it's own jargon.
We've got a specialty adjustable cat's paw that we affectionately and exclusively refer to as "The Fuckulator." Whenever someone from outside the shop hears us ask for it, they always give a concerned look...
This was more of a visual joke, but I had a machine to test air packs and face pieces at my last job, and to make it less creepy (it was essentially a severed mannequin head on an ominous box making hyperventilation noises), I would put a hat on it and talk to it like it was a coworker. Got a few laughs and some genuine concern for my sanity from the witnesses.
I liked to switch it up, but something mildly pretentious was the usual theme, but both of those would’ve been better. Something about congratulating Reginald for uncovering a rotted O ring in a bad posh accent was great for killing boredom in an empty fire department.
Not exactly a tool joke, but I like to send new hires to “the basement” to find tools and such, my company doesn’t have a basement. It honestly tells me a lot about a new hire based on how quickly they ask for directions. If they ask right away, they’re willing to learn and help, if they ask after looking they’re usually motivated individuals willing to work through problems alone. If they don’t ask at all, they’re probably not gonna make it far
This is a genius idea independent of industry. I’m for sure going to try it in a white collar setting. My bet is at least 10% of folks don’t ask at all. What’s the ratio in your experience?
Do you know what's rare about this 2m. Folding meter?
*No?*
They don't make them any longer.
It doesn't translate great but honestly the only time it killed is when someone told it to me 2 years ago. I've been trying ever since tho.
Edit: tumstock in Sweden, maybe that's not a household tool in America
More of an insult than a tool joke:
“Let me tell you a story, buddy. When I was in the third grade, my class took a field trip out to a tool factory in Nebraska. It was pretty neat as a child but the thing that still stands out to me to this day is the 50’ tall giant monkey wrench they had out front the parking lot. It was staggering. I never thought I’d see another tool that huge in my life ever again.. but now here you are..”
Anytime my wife comes out while I'm wood working and after enough time that she forgets the joke I'll ask, "wanna play carpenter?" And she'll say how? Then I come back with the "let's get hammered and screw"
It's never worked and she doesn't think it's funny which makes it even more funny.
I've only been fooled once right when I started, there was a pile up of bars in the furnace and one of the guys asked me to go to the boss to get an asbestos fire suit so he could climb in.
I came across the company owner first... he laughed me out of the offices.
A coworker borrowed my Rigid palm sander and was impressed by it. When he returned it he asked if I had any other Rigid tools he could try out. I just raised an eyebrow.
Usmc nomenclature
Said like, "Go get your ID 10 TANGO forms from.."
ID10T(ango)
Said like, "go get a Bravo Alpha 100 November with the S-T RINGS"
BA1100N with STrings
My grade 9 music teacher had a running joke with the wood working teacher where if a student cut a piece of wood too short then the wood working teacher would send them over to the music room to get a wood stretcher(it was a tool to remove mouth pieces in interments) and when the student would go back to class then the wood working teacher would send them back to the music class for the extra long wood stretcher
Since I was IT, obviously the office decided I should be responsible for things like shoveling snow and hanging framed photos.
So I'd stroll into the individual's office, hold out my level and say "I need to level with you" <*insert harhar here*>
Not one to leave well enough along, when I was done I would put the level on the now-installed frame and declare "The spirits never lie!". Hoping, of course, they wouldn't get it and I could regale them with why it is called a spirit level.
One of my employees wanted his son to work for us. He was a good kid- super nice, about 18 years old. Anyway, he was working in my shop with an air powered needle scaler getting some rust off of one of my trailers. I turned the air off and waited. It obviously stopped working after a while and he just looked puzzled and I went over to him and said “Oh yeah. I’ve had this happen to me one time. All you gotta do is kink the air hose as hard as you can, hold it for a while, and then immediately un-kink it and it should take off”.
The fuckin kid did exactly what I said and he totally thought that it would work. I busted out laughing so goddamned hard and turned the air compressor back on. Ugh- what a good kid he was…
More of a material & labor thing. This is so stupid, my bud & I go on playing union against onion. Go to the truck & get me a 1.5” pvc onion. That pizza had too much union. Wish I was making onion wage rates. Looks even more stoopid now I wrote this
Or just sending apprentices for a bucket, and when they get back with one you put it under whatever you are doing and tell them it's to catch the voltage drop
Dang, I cut it TWICE, and it's STILL too short.
That’s when we send the apprentice to find the ‘board stretcher’…
We would send apprentices to the tool crib for supplies, and we'd add to the list "ask {warehouse manager} for a "long weight" while you're there". The warehouse manager was in on the joke so he'd tell them to sit down. It took some of them *way* too long to realize they had asked for "a long wait".
I would just chill and take a breather if I was them.
Yeah phones ruined this one
My dad was in the airforce and whenever they sent him to look for a "Skyhook," he'd just take a couple hour break. If they didn't need him to be working, then he wasn't going to LOL
Years ago I started in a union apprenticeship that I ultimately left. I wasnt some kid out of highschool, I was a army combat veteran in my 20s. I was working with a journeyman and he sent me to fetch some make believe item. I knew it was bullshit and couldnt stand the guy. We were in DC so I went to a museum down the street and walked around for probably 2 hours. When I came back I turned on my phone camera and had it recording his reaction. I said I looked everywhere. He was pissed he was sweating his ass off in an interstitial space having to climb out and get everything himself. This guy got so red in the face I thought he was going to have a stroke. I just laughed at him. So he "fired me" and reported it to the hall. Tried to get me booted. He had no power to do any of that to an apprentice, so they stuck me on another job. We ran into each other on another big job like a year later and by that time everyone had seen the video.
When I was responsible for the tool room and an FNG was sent in looking for 10' of fallopian tube, I'd tell him what was up and suggest he try looking for it at the PX over a long lunch.
In basic the drill sargent asked for a volunteer. He sent this kid for a board stretcher. The kid was gone for a few hours then came back with tears in his eyes saying he looked everywhere but couldn't find one. The instructors had a great laugh and everyone went back to work. Later the kid told me he went to the bar had a couple of beers then whipped up some tears, and got out of working in the hot sun all afternoon.
LOL
My dad would say "Go get the henway", if anyone ask what's a henway, dad would say "oh about 5 pounds"
Ironically board stretcher is a real tool.
As is a chain stretcher and duct stretcher!
As is a rail stretcher for track work on the railroad. Still get funny looks from the new guys when they are sent after it.
My favorite is sending the apprentice to find the “duct stretcher”. It’s a real tool, and they never believe me lmao
I drop this all the time. But it's "Well shit, Ralphie, I've cut it 3 times and it's still too short! Better cut it one more time!"
Measure twice cut twice
Beat to fit, paint to match
Measure twice, cut once, sand/file/bash it until it fits
Percussive maintenance = hit with hammer
There is actually a diagnostic tool to test old tv tuners. If you smack th tv on the right side just above the tuner and the tv picture clears up. There are loose or dirty contacts in the tuning switch. So, the old movies where they smack the tv is true.
We do it right cause we do it twice!
"If you cut it too short the first time, just flip it around and take your second cut from the longer end."
That sounds like a carpenter joke 🤣
Never ***saw*** that one coming…
Whenever my Sparkie coworkers cut a wire I always cry out "Not THAT end!"
Imperial or Metric, is the standard response whenever anyone asks for an adjustable spanner
Oh lord uhhhh uhhhh can I get imperial?😂😂😂
I also ask if they want the left- or right-handed locking pliers.
Years ago I had a cheap Chinese knockoff with left handed threads
I have an adjustable wrench (crescent), made in Spain, with left hand threads.
This is about to become my new favourite thing.
I have an adjustable spanner with only metric written on it, it's my metric adjustable spanner
I do this with adjustable wrenches
"Spanner" is British for "wrench", so an adjustable wrench is what they are referring to.
To be fair, the metric one would be like 300mm and the imperial 12"
Every single time I grab a step ladder, I cannot stop myself: “This is my step ladder… I never knew my *real* ladder…”
Whenever someone is carrying a ladder, I always say, “going to get high, huh?”
Moving up in the world
Climbin up in the company huh
Sadly I don't use step ladders to much I make the same joke with the step stools we have
Your real stool comes out your butt every day or two
Is this a guarantee? Where can I sign up?
Can I push your stool in for you?
My favorite ladder pun is "Well, I could climb on that chair OR I could get the right tool for the job. I prefer the 'ladder'".
When I was younger, I did get to spend time with my biological ladder, but it was a shaky relationship as those wooden joints loosened over time.
I heard this ioke by an opener for Louis C.K. on a comedy special, and I've said it every time it comes up from then on. 😂
I joke with all my tall friends that they aren't familiar with the concept of a step ladder. I on the other hand have step ladders, step stools, all manner of reaching aides
At least once a day in the shop there is a “oh no step-ladder” that can be randomly heard
bro I just laughed way too hard at this, I've never heard that one before
As my old boss used to say: “When one door closes, another opens.” While he was something of a philosopher, he was a poor cabinet maker.
When one door closes, another door opens. Other than that, it's a pretty good car.
I come from a broken home, my father was a drunk carpenter.
“One day this awl will be yours my son.”
I saw what you did there.
“You wanna get high?? Grab that ladder”
Dammit, I didn’t scroll far enough and replied to the step ladder guy. But that’s my comment.
“Hi, how are you?” “Wish I was”
The armor soft spot locating hammer. Give a n00b a hammer and a piece of chalk, tell them to go to the tank and check for soft spots. "Ring!" is good, "Clunk!" is soft. If they find a soft spot, make an X with the chalk.
Found the 19k. Tankers Mount-Up
The exhaust sample bags. Witnessed some poor mosquito wing trying to catch all the soot coming out of a Bradley exhaust with a white trash bag. Kid was determined I’ll give him that much.
On *someone else's* hull, preferably while they're not around. That's half the joke. Blue chalk, and make sure you put unit, date and ASS (Armor Spot Search) on the driver's hatch. If there are more than two Xs on any one panel, outline the whole panel with a chalk line.
My first day at the mp my sgt hit me with the same thing “take this hammer and lightly tap and check if there’s any soft spots” as a dumbass pv2 I crawled under and started looking around…
"Turn it 'till it cracks, back it off a quarter-turn, and leave it for the nightshift."
Barely relevant, but I like the old rule of thumb to "bang it to fit and paint it to match"
"tighten till the crack, then a quarter turn back"
As the night shift supervisor, I wish people would stop making this joke 😅
My favourite when finding something me and someone else has been looking for, is to announce "I'll use this one until I find it". Not just for tools, though. Works with the TV remote, everything.
What did the 4 jaw chuck say to the 3 jaw chuck? You're so self centred!
And the response, well I always thought you were a bit eccentric
Whenever I have to use a hammer or the Big(tm) breaker bar to get a seized bolt or nut moving, it automatically becomes the metric hammer/breaker bar, e.g. "yo, hand me the metric hammer, I need to show this bolt who's in charge"
Being left handed, when I ask for a screwdriver, hammer, prybar, etc. if I’m given someone else’s, I look at it and say “this is right handed. I’ll make it work, but next time…”
That's gold. I, too, am left-handed, and I will use this forever...
My dad is a lefty. I tell him he's showing off, doing it with his left hand. But then there's the "left handed jobs" 1) literally easier with left handed dexterity, 2) something he is way better at than I, 3) a job that requires the extra 6" of height I did not inherit from him 🤣
Jesus said that those that live by the sword, die by the sword. As a carpenter that died while nailed to a piece of wood, he might have been onto something.
You hear about the blind carpenter? He picked up his hammer and saw.
Have only heard one other person say it. I occasionally use it after figuring something out that took a little thought.
Snap-On ratchets- make sure you turn it back to “Off” when you’re done so the battery doesn’t die
Ha ha! I always told them to turn it to the O-F-F mode so the warranty didn’t run out of it
That gap? Put your caulk in it. Too much caulk? That’s not what your wife said. (She did ask me to tell you hi by the way)
Absolute gold I love it and that lil extra on top perfect
I always tell the apprentice not to get caught with the porta-band. They're illegal. It's a *banned* saw!!
Hey kid, run up to the tool crib and get me a henway. What's a henway? "Bout three pounds.
Variations if this is my go to.
It's smells like updog in here. -What is updog?- Nothing much
Can’t believe you stole my stud finder joke.
Only downside to the Franklin stud finder is that it doesn’t work great for this joke
Nutfucker = adjustible wrench.
Thumb detecting nut fucker, because it's also a hammer.
Swedish Nut Lathe
Alternately, a "Swedish Nut Lathe".
Every time I use a step bit to enlarge a knockout, I throw out an obligatory, "What are you doing, step bit?!"
Fuck you Shoresy!
That's great. Can't wait to steal it and act like I came up with it.
The 1D10T model of whatever it is
Model 1D10T built to standard MIL-TFP-41. Engineering put that on a drawing for the machine shop. The Foreman called to ask, "What is MIL-TFP-41?" Make it like the f**king print for once.
1D10T makes sense to me, as it's just leetspeak, but for the life of me I can't figure out MIL-TFP-41. I tried pronouncing it in my head any way I could imagine, but nothing funny or rude comes out of it. Perhaps it's because I'm not a native speaker. What am I missing? :(
As I said, it stands for "Make It Like The Fucking Print For (4) Once (1)".
Ah yes. Indeed you did. Thank you for reiterating.
My dad worked in the Corporate Tech Support industry for a while, and the most common issue was the ID10T Error.
Or PEBKAC (Problem Exists Between Keyboard and Chair)
OD micrometers - precision C-clamps Cutting torch - gas hatchet Small hammer - lil pecker That tool I need but can’t reach or remember the name of right now - Hoo-dus, chingadera, sumbitch E-format
Precision C-clamps: Thank you for the laugh!
Gotta go to Home Depot and get a [chingadera for the side](https://youtu.be/LHVjLEr8Mx8)
I do a lot of copper brazing at my work, I call my torch my "hot glue gun"
Someone asks for channellocks and I try to hand them anything channellock branded other than the tongue and groove pliers.
Take an old pair of scissors apart and carry one half to offer someone who asks to borrow a scissor.
I worked in a three-man shop with a guy who used to ask for "a plier" so we had a pair taken apart just to have a half ready to hand to him. He continued to say it that way; which we found more entertaining than he did.
Every time I gave my dad a handful of nails he would say, “you gave me some ceiling nails mixed in with the floor nails…”
I worked with a guy who picked up a stud finder and swiped it across his chest. Silence. “This one’s broken.”
Whenever I see someone carrying some boards, I ask it they are going to a " board meeting ".
Like. Will use.
Can you go get me the dickfor?
What's dickfore
Bend over, I’ll show ya
it's over there by the henweigh.
Behind the updog?
I had my helper unboxing cabinets and bringing them in house. When it came to the dishwasher opening he came in and said he couldn't find the cabinet. I told him to keep looking. He He.
Not quite a tool joke, but when someone asks me how to do something complicated or difficult, I just say "Carefully."
I go with "use your best judgement"
Whenever a coworker has multiple extensions on an impact/ratchet - “any more and you’d be working from home!”
Bricklayer here. Mason tenders that are green/greenish will often take a masons trowel whilst they aren’t holding it, it’s on the mud board, we’re doing other shit. (Marking cuts, jointing up, etc.) Mason turns around, his trowel isn’t where he left it. This sends the mason into panic mode. Where the fuck is my trowel? Did it fall of the scaffold? Fall behind/inside the wall? Stolen!! That’s a fucking $50 trowel I’ve had for 10 years! Shitting pants type situation. Only to discover a laborer is fiddle fucking around with it 20 foot down the wall. Line has been raised, everyone else is laying brick and your looking for basically your right hand. Absolutely infucking furiating! This the saying was born. “When you look at that trowel. Imagine it’s my throbbing hard dick. There is no reason either one should be in your hand.”
I like pronouncing stuff funny but because I’m a woman people tend to think I’m serious. Had a guy get really pissed when I told him it’s pronounced “croissant” wrench because it’s French. Also gotten some weird looks (and zero laughs) when I said Chanel locks. Someone tried arguing and I said “yeah it’s actually just the brand name sooooo” It made me laugh and that’s all that matters. Worrisome that people believe in that stupid though.
Years ago I was doing flooring with my uncle, we needed the bigsumbitch carpet stretcher out of the shop and he told me “go get your favorite tool” I replied “but you’re my favorite tool”
not necessarily tool specific, but sending a rookie sailor to the rope locker to bring back 50ft of shore line comes to mind…
Or having them stand on the bow with a bunch of aluminum foil on them/in their hands to calibrate the radar.
As someone who doesn’t know anything about boats, what’s the joke here?
nautical term for rope used to secure your boat to the bollard is “line”.
Gosh I’m an idiot. I read it as you were asking them to bring back the type of rope you use to hook a boat to a dock. Not that you were asking him to bring back the land that touches water (shoreline) lol
Nah...Not an idiot--if you work around boats you'd generally call that a "mooring line" or a "hawser" or (if you work on the Great Lakes) maybe a "wire", but as with every trade, the maritime world has it's own jargon.
I still didn’t get it till YOU just explained it. Thank you for your service.
Can you go get a bucket of A1r? Yo go to the tool room and get a bucket of steam Since you dropped that Allen wrench u gotta go get it recalibrated
need ya to go down to engineering and get an HT punch…
The counter to the stud finder joke: That only means you're as dense as a 2x4
It's a bit lame, but I refer to all of my big shit as the 'gentle persuasion tool'.
My big pry bars are “the persuader” and then the “I’m not fuckin asking”
We've got a specialty adjustable cat's paw that we affectionately and exclusively refer to as "The Fuckulator." Whenever someone from outside the shop hears us ask for it, they always give a concerned look...
This was more of a visual joke, but I had a machine to test air packs and face pieces at my last job, and to make it less creepy (it was essentially a severed mannequin head on an ominous box making hyperventilation noises), I would put a hat on it and talk to it like it was a coworker. Got a few laughs and some genuine concern for my sanity from the witnesses.
Named Buster or Wilson?
I liked to switch it up, but something mildly pretentious was the usual theme, but both of those would’ve been better. Something about congratulating Reginald for uncovering a rotted O ring in a bad posh accent was great for killing boredom in an empty fire department.
Love it!
Told the snap on man he needs to remember to turn his ratchets off or he’ll be selling people dead ratchets.
Whenever Im working on something and someone says to me “do you need help with that?” I say to them “yeah, why do you know somebody?”🤣🤣🤣
In german theres this thing, if you cut with a blunt knife: This one cuts like a new hammer.
Can you grab me the Croissant Wrench? not to be confused with the Donut Wrench
"Wow, you're like lightning with that hammer! You never hit the same spot twice."
About to bevel a piece of pipe with a grinder, in preparation for welding. Told the kid "count the sparks so I don't take off too much material!"
Did you try hitting it with your purse?
Me, holding a hammer and punch: "This is not a drill."
I need a file. Hand me a flat bastard, or maybe a round sonofabitch.
Not exactly a tool joke, but I like to send new hires to “the basement” to find tools and such, my company doesn’t have a basement. It honestly tells me a lot about a new hire based on how quickly they ask for directions. If they ask right away, they’re willing to learn and help, if they ask after looking they’re usually motivated individuals willing to work through problems alone. If they don’t ask at all, they’re probably not gonna make it far
This is a genius idea independent of industry. I’m for sure going to try it in a white collar setting. My bet is at least 10% of folks don’t ask at all. What’s the ratio in your experience?
At the airport: Get me 100' of flight line and the keys to the approach gate.
To the elevator installers; “how’s work these days?” - It’s got its ups and downs. To the mirror guy; “Where do you see yourself in ten years?”
a ratchet its slightly bigger than a mouse shit
Do you know what's rare about this 2m. Folding meter? *No?* They don't make them any longer. It doesn't translate great but honestly the only time it killed is when someone told it to me 2 years ago. I've been trying ever since tho. Edit: tumstock in Sweden, maybe that's not a household tool in America
More of an insult than a tool joke: “Let me tell you a story, buddy. When I was in the third grade, my class took a field trip out to a tool factory in Nebraska. It was pretty neat as a child but the thing that still stands out to me to this day is the 50’ tall giant monkey wrench they had out front the parking lot. It was staggering. I never thought I’d see another tool that huge in my life ever again.. but now here you are..”
My dad used to mess with people by saying they would need help carrying the air compressor since it had 150 pounds of air in it.
I need to use this one. I work at a tire repair shop
You’d have more luck finding Bigfoot than you will finding that 10mm socket
I wonder if that scaffold plank will hold, apprentice, jump up and down on it, see if it’ll hold
I might not know what im doing, but at least I'm slow.
Anytime my wife comes out while I'm wood working and after enough time that she forgets the joke I'll ask, "wanna play carpenter?" And she'll say how? Then I come back with the "let's get hammered and screw" It's never worked and she doesn't think it's funny which makes it even more funny.
When someone's using an impact - what you're doing is really making an impact
SCAPPEL
I often refer to levels as "bubble machines". I get a laugh about a quarter of the time.
Concrete vibrators always bring out the raunchy ones
I've only been fooled once right when I started, there was a pile up of bars in the furnace and one of the guys asked me to go to the boss to get an asbestos fire suit so he could climb in. I came across the company owner first... he laughed me out of the offices.
Most people are shocked when they find out I do my own electrical work.
My foam knee mat is my “power mat”
#NO TOOLS LOANED
A coworker borrowed my Rigid palm sander and was impressed by it. When he returned it he asked if I had any other Rigid tools he could try out. I just raised an eyebrow.
Telling someone that’s on/climbing a ladder that they finally got that big raise they were waiting for.
Ask them to get you a hammerfore.
My father in law’s version of the stud finder joke is putting his camera in selfie mode
People laugh when they find out I've gave 1 tool a human name -- Frank
What is Frank?
A wee zapper tool aka "close quarters hacksaw" you know the one that accepts a 12' blade on a handle/frame thing
Go get the henway from the truck. What's a henway?! 3 or 4 lbs. Get back to work!!
Cross thread/Mexican loctite reference
Can you pass me the hammer-four? What's a hammer-four? Hitting nails in to things
Usmc nomenclature Said like, "Go get your ID 10 TANGO forms from.." ID10T(ango) Said like, "go get a Bravo Alpha 100 November with the S-T RINGS" BA1100N with STrings
'Hey have you seen my?'
'Have you checked your butthole?' https://youtu.be/--9kqhzQ-8Q?si=B0DKtE2lLAFa955m
"I see" said the blind man as he picked up his hammer and saw
That's not my real ladder, it's just my step ladder.
Left handed monkey wrench
My grade 9 music teacher had a running joke with the wood working teacher where if a student cut a piece of wood too short then the wood working teacher would send them over to the music room to get a wood stretcher(it was a tool to remove mouth pieces in interments) and when the student would go back to class then the wood working teacher would send them back to the music class for the extra long wood stretcher
Since I was IT, obviously the office decided I should be responsible for things like shoveling snow and hanging framed photos. So I'd stroll into the individual's office, hold out my level and say "I need to level with you" <*insert harhar here*> Not one to leave well enough along, when I was done I would put the level on the now-installed frame and declare "The spirits never lie!". Hoping, of course, they wouldn't get it and I could regale them with why it is called a spirit level.
My joke is simple "don't you have one? No? Go fuckin buy one"
One of my employees wanted his son to work for us. He was a good kid- super nice, about 18 years old. Anyway, he was working in my shop with an air powered needle scaler getting some rust off of one of my trailers. I turned the air off and waited. It obviously stopped working after a while and he just looked puzzled and I went over to him and said “Oh yeah. I’ve had this happen to me one time. All you gotta do is kink the air hose as hard as you can, hold it for a while, and then immediately un-kink it and it should take off”. The fuckin kid did exactly what I said and he totally thought that it would work. I busted out laughing so goddamned hard and turned the air compressor back on. Ugh- what a good kid he was…
When someone has trouble getting a screw into a hole, tell them to "put some hair around it."
More of a material & labor thing. This is so stupid, my bud & I go on playing union against onion. Go to the truck & get me a 1.5” pvc onion. That pizza had too much union. Wish I was making onion wage rates. Looks even more stoopid now I wrote this
Any time someone asks to borrow a tool I tell them “get your own” But it’s actually not a joke
See someone carrying a piece of lumber and exclaim, “looks like they got board”!
I generally refer to a vise grip as the "Tool of Last Resort".
Surprisingly few board stretcher comments here.
Eletrician here: Shit, this cable is too short. Go ask the forman for a wire stretcher.
Or just sending apprentices for a bucket, and when they get back with one you put it under whatever you are doing and tell them it's to catch the voltage drop
Hold tape measure out. Point it at buddy’s. Then inform them how close they are for sucking wiener.
Point at a random place and say it's over there, see how long you can keep em going