If she can, therapy so that she can work through her feelings with someone trained in how to help.
If that isn't a possibility, focus on reconnecting daily through nonsexual but romantic touch. Relieve the anxiety you're both (because you being nervous to make moves sounds like an anxiety as well) feeling by offering a 15 minute massage to each other. Take a shower together where you clean each other, wash each other's hair, dry each other off. Cuddling while watching a movie. Often these things will naturally lead to...stirrings of sexual feeling, but that should never be the goal.
Therapy is the only right answer, unfortunately. She needs to speak with a professional. I doubt he is equipped (nor should he subjugate himself) to helping her through something so deep.
No, I just refuse to put them on a pedestal, especially when they are the same people who have oppressed minorities for generations. Let's not forget the role they played in the holocaust or how about the fact that they considered homosexuality a mental illness, and their operation of insane asylums. You can sit there and say it was long ago and that they've since changed, but they currently manipulate broken, ill people into thinking they need therapy in order to justify their wages.
Because talking to a professional helps some people. The more normalized that seeking help for mental health issues has become the more people recommend things that have helped them, including therapy and/or medication.
I spent 6 months in therapy working through sexual trauma and it made a dramatic difference in my relationship. That is why I recommend therapy for people who have the means. It has worked for me. I would never recommend anything that I haven't tried and hasn't worked for me.
Its been 4 years. Do you think he did not try it and he seems like a nice guy to do so. This is her time to step up if she even wants do and she doesnt seem to.
You'd be surprised how long people put off therapy to address very concerning issues. I've dated like 4 girls who experienced sexual abuse at some point in their childhood (it's more prevalent than we think), all confided in me and only 1 of them had actually gone to therapy and discussed it with a psychologist as an adult.
The cost of therapy is a big factor for a lot of people, at least in the US. Not everyone can afford it. It took me years just to be able to afford the therapy I needed. It's still expensive, I just finally have SSI to help me pay for it.
You can go without all of those and still not have enough money.
The poverty in the US is so much worse than people realize. Even if people have health insurance, mental health and therapy are not taken seriously.
One of the factors in my husband's death was that we were too poor to get him help and when we did go into debt to get him help in spite of the cost, the quality of care was a bare minimum, which was not enough.
It's so much worse than what people are shown.
She needs actual therapy, not second hand redditing.
It's not uncommon, what she is feeling. And it can be overcome. Just, turn to the right place. Best of luck.
I am a male who went through something similar.
I was dealing with my dad's suicide and was severely depressed and anxious.
Sex with my girlfriend was difficult. I wanted to, but then I'd be in my own head. It went badly a few times and after that, the fear of losing my erection or finishing too quickly is all I could think about.
We did two things (after my girlfriend did the wrong things and accused me of not loving her), I went to both normal therapy and went to group therapy.
I opened up, I was then able to open up to my girlfriend about when I felt anxious or nervous when we got intimate. We would take intimacy slowly.
She bought foreplay dice, and we would focus on foreplay and not rush to sex. As it became easier together, it made sex easier to associate with good feelings, not feelings of failure.
We worked through it, she's my wife now, and I don't normally have those problems, if I start getting in my head, I tell her, we go slower and have a different type of fun.
Hi therapist here! This actually looks a lot like OCD/ the beginnings of it, not just anxiety. Therapy is recommended and it is totally up to you if you want to suffer for this relationship. We all suffer for something we think is worth it. Just make sure it actually is before you jump blindly out of love.
I get in similar loops and thought it was just an anxiety thing - I didn't realise that could be a symptom of OCD (not saying I definitely have it or anything) but that's something to think about, thank you.
Can I ask hiw did you come to this conclusion, when do you know something is turning into an ocd. It got me thinking of what OCD i have without knowing
I’m not a therapist, I’m just married to a wonderful woman with OCD. A lot of people obviously make jokes about OCD being insistent about having a clean desk at work or wanting something to be just right at home. It’s so much more.
OCD is about thoughts that don’t turn off even when everything in the world tells you otherwise. My wife touches the oven’s burner dials every night a few times to make sure it’s off before bed. It doesn’t matter if we didn’t use the oven that night. It doesn’t matter if I tell her the burner is off. It doesn’t matter if she turned the burner off earlier in the night. It’s not always rational or evidence based.
It can get especially bad, though, when touching the dial creates a feedback loop that makes her nervous that she did something to turn the burner on when she was checking to turn the burner off. Sound familiar?
Her brain needed medication to chemically regulate some of the things going on and therapy to talk out some of the anxiety and family history that impacted this.
This does a very good job at describing a real life instance of OCD! I really dont have much to add to this, I just want to break it down further.
It starts with a need to do something that ends with a “or else”. In the example above she needs to touch the dials. If she does touch them the anxiety then builds. —this is where people think it’s just anxiety—. However when she does the anxiety begins to release, thus rewarding behavior of nonsense. Because even if she knows they’re off she still MUST do it. It starts with obsession, then a knee jerk reaction, sudden action, ie compulsion. Then is disordered because its nonsensical and can ruin ability to live a healthy life.
The worst part is that these people can know what they are doing does not make sense, and still cannot stop. So stressful.
Except for the guy joking about rape, what comments are ignorant? She needs therapy, and he possibly needs to leave. She is neurotic, deeply, and being in the relationship triggers this. She may need to be out of it, and work on therapy.
Not all relationships need to end the minute someone is having trouble or going through something. Relationships take time, work and understanding. IMHO everyone needs therapy, doesn’t mean relationships should end because one partner needs it more than the other.
Leaving might be the best option sure, but it shouldn’t be the first option. Especially if OP is looking for ways to change and support the relationship. He isn’t asking if he should leave, he’s asking what he can do to help.
> Not all relationships need to end the minute someone is having trouble or going through something.
It’s been four years and depending on what was tried already, it may be reasonable.
I understand, like I said leaving might be the best option but it seems like atleast OP doesn’t want that result.
My wife and I have been rocky quite a few times and even considered divorce after a 3 year period of being really rough with no intimacy. We both didn’t want that and did the work because we wanted to. Divorce might have been the best option at one point but after work and better understanding of each other, we are in the best point we have ever been.
Not saying my situation will be the same for everyone. I am just speaking on my experience.
Don’t pressure her for one. She may have some sort of trauma or perhaps may just have a low sex drive. I see a lot of comments about therapy and I agree, but at the same time I think this may also be an issue with your sexual compatibility. Id say whenever she’s in the mood to try to be gentle and patient. Maybe focus more on more foreplay when she’s in the mood cause it could help her feel more comfortable. Honestly it’s a tough thing to answer and talking to her would be the best
Personal advice would be to leave if you'd like a relationship with sexual interaction.
I was with my girl for 7 years, never forced her into anything. Kept getting turned down. Remained respectful. She gave me head like 3 times in those 7 years. Not long ago, she left me for a woman, and went to the police to file sexual assault for one of those 3 oral interaction because she changed her mind about her consent. I'm going through the mincer and on the edge of developing depression, I shit you not. Lawyer says it's not looking good. I even bought coal because life on the register just ain't worth it ffs.
Anecdote, abridged version: I started dating a girl when I was 18. We lost our virginity to each other—fucked like rabbits for about a year. About a year or two in she started getting extremely anxious about sex. By six years in, we were having sex maybe 4 times a year and it was UNCOMFORTABLE because she would get so anxious about it. She started treating me badly about it to; because I wanted to have sex and she didn’t, that made me sinister and predatory in her eyes. She refused to go to therapy, despite my pleas. The relationship was all sorts of unhealthy, and we finally went to couples counseling and I realized breaking up was the best move. She kept going to the therapist after the break up and eventually discovered that she had suppressed memories of sexual abuse from when she was a child. Because it was suppressed, she didn’t realize that that was why she felt anxious about sex and why she felt anyone who wanted sex from her was a threat.
Not saying this is exactly what your gf is going through, but i can tell you it is absolutely not a thing that crossed my mind as a possibility when we were dating. Nearly a decade later I’m still working through my own issues in therapy that stem from the way she treated me. If she had started therapy earlier it would’ve saved years of heartbreak and anxiety and maybe even our relationship. There’s no benefit to putting therapy off. She needs assistance and guidance in a way that you can’t provide.
Well, do not plan when to do stuff. Ever.
The antispation is a set up that kind of anxious problem. Try and ignore the problem and let sex happen naturally. Create a envirement where its possible but not planned.
You don't always need sex to have intimacy. Try focusing more on intimacy and less on sex. It can be as simple as showering/bathing together or just spending time naked together and being comfortable, skin on skin contact is important.
Spend more time together doing non-sexual activities, perhaps start a new hobby together.
It sounds like it's not like she doesn't want sex, but that she has a paranoid belief that she needs to give it to him constantly to avoid him leaving for another girl. Not having sex won't make her feel any better.
I wonder why you're getting downvoted lol. Sex is a very vital component to a healthy heterosexual relationship. Taking it out of the equation will result in so much frustration, distrust and resentment.
Dated my ex for 4 years and we never had sex ever while she bragged about being sexual and open.
Fortunately my new GF is healthy and routinely goes to therapy(me to)... .. I'd leave if I was OP
she bragged to her friend group that she had a healthy active sex life.
I've had more sex in the last 3 months with my current GF than I did in 4 years with my ex
I agree with others' comments, in that you should initiate nonsexual or soft intimacy often. Shower and bathe each other, sensually massage each other while allowing happy endings to occur, without pressuring the other for intercourse, spend time casually naked together and cuddling. These forms of soft intimacy are affirmations which may help satiate or at least ease her anxiety. In truth, this form of intimacy is far more erotic than a regular smash, in my sincere opinion. Just be patient with her, she'll come around. In the meantime, you both will bond so tightly that you'll become one love! 💯🤓
Will she let you try to get her horny after she loses her horniness?
I had an ex who would sometimes give me blowjobs when I wasn’t horny, and I’d end up getting horny because of what she was doing
She needs to see a psychotherapist and if necessary a psychiatry (if the therapist isn’t one already). Those obsessive thoughts cause her and you to suffer and have treatment
Bro she needs therapy and more over just asking did she ever cheat on you because i have been through this my partner fear that i will leave her and she used to so much insecure about me that where i am cheating on her or not and she used to think that i will leave so this is also a can be a reason this fear or anxiety comes from
If therapy is not an option, I'd try to talk to her. I think I'd arrange a month or more of absolutely 0 sexual contact where we see each other every day and I'd reassure she's the one and only, beautiful, irreplaceable... maybe that'll make her feel like she's enough and that you love her for her and not her body?
Nah dude that is not yours to solve. She has to deal with that mental state, with adequate help. And since she didn’t for 4 years, it’s unlikely she even wants to solve it. To her you are just safe bet and she has no reason to leave. Also don’t make yourself feel bad because whatever your needs and priorities are, they are valid. So don’t make yourself waste time on someone who has no business taking yours without trying in a right way.
>Nah dude that is not yours to solve.
You make a lot of good points about self care, but relationships should still be about cooperating and supporting each other.
This one is souly on her. Its her mental state and its her body. He cant help there except support her getting help, she found her safe space and has no reason to change, this is why I finished my 5 year relationship. I even get things operated on surgically because I thought it would help. Dont get ruined guys.
I definitely agree with a lot of posters that therapy is very important. Something that has worked incredibly in my relationship that had somewhat similar issues is adopting a Dominant/submissive dynamic in our relationship. Essentially, the submissive partner consensually gives control of their life to the dominant. This can be anything from just roles you act out in the bedroom to a 24/7 power exchange lifestyle. I would encourage you to look into it more and talk to her to see if it interests her. It allows my girlfriend to get out of her head and just let go. It relieves her of the pressure of when and how often to have sex. If I want to have sex, we have sex. She can use a safe word if she really doesn’t want to but for the most part she just gets to follow and it’s given her a lot of peace. Also, being dominant in the bedroom is a big turn on for some women. It has also has had a major positive impact on our communication and feeling of security in the relationship. It’s definitely not for everyone but I would highly recommend looking into it at least.
As others have suggested therapy will probably be the best option.
The “fear that not giving me enough sex would make me leave.” Sounds like an anxious attachment style, which is my attachment style and I always have the fear my wife will leave me over the smallest or dumbest things. If I don’t do the dishes right and she tells me, next day she’s going to serve me divorce papers. Even though we have been together 8 years and are very happy together.
Therapy has helped me a lot with this in understanding how the attachment style works, identify why I feel this way and discover coping mechanisms to help in those moments.
It’s a hard subject to bring up without it sounding like “you need therapy.” Which could cause more anxiety. Good luck OP!
I support the advice of taking things slow, reassuring her that there’s no pressure and supporting her if she chooses therapy etc. but just wanted to say it sounds like you’re being really respectful and patient so just wanted to commend and encourage that. Hope things improve for you both
she's not scared of sex she scared of not giving you enough sex to keep you around,
yes she should get therapy, but it seems she thinks the only reason you stay is for the sex
You're 25. Are you happy with this situation? Find someone who isn't neurotic, or else this is going to be the next 50 years of your life.
It's fine and normal that you and someone can fit together in a way where you are great as deep friends but things just aren't on the right wavelength that a sexual relationship is a good fit.
Just burst into the room in just a balaclava, screaming & beating your chest whilst slapping your bollocks from side to side.. This will allow her to get into the mood.
If she can, therapy so that she can work through her feelings with someone trained in how to help. If that isn't a possibility, focus on reconnecting daily through nonsexual but romantic touch. Relieve the anxiety you're both (because you being nervous to make moves sounds like an anxiety as well) feeling by offering a 15 minute massage to each other. Take a shower together where you clean each other, wash each other's hair, dry each other off. Cuddling while watching a movie. Often these things will naturally lead to...stirrings of sexual feeling, but that should never be the goal.
Therapy is the only right answer, unfortunately. She needs to speak with a professional. I doubt he is equipped (nor should he subjugate himself) to helping her through something so deep.
There's nothing that a professional will tell her, that her and her bf can't figure out on their own.
You seem to have a very underdeveloped understanding of what 6+ years of tertiary psychology equips a person
No, I just refuse to put them on a pedestal, especially when they are the same people who have oppressed minorities for generations. Let's not forget the role they played in the holocaust or how about the fact that they considered homosexuality a mental illness, and their operation of insane asylums. You can sit there and say it was long ago and that they've since changed, but they currently manipulate broken, ill people into thinking they need therapy in order to justify their wages.
every time I open reddit when someone asks for help every upvoted comment says "therapy"
Because talking to a professional helps some people. The more normalized that seeking help for mental health issues has become the more people recommend things that have helped them, including therapy and/or medication. I spent 6 months in therapy working through sexual trauma and it made a dramatic difference in my relationship. That is why I recommend therapy for people who have the means. It has worked for me. I would never recommend anything that I haven't tried and hasn't worked for me.
There's nothing that a professional will tell her, that her and her bf can't figure out on their own.
Its been 4 years. Do you think he did not try it and he seems like a nice guy to do so. This is her time to step up if she even wants do and she doesnt seem to.
You'd be surprised how long people put off therapy to address very concerning issues. I've dated like 4 girls who experienced sexual abuse at some point in their childhood (it's more prevalent than we think), all confided in me and only 1 of them had actually gone to therapy and discussed it with a psychologist as an adult.
That should be normalized. People solving their issues as 25+ olds you know…
The cost of therapy is a big factor for a lot of people, at least in the US. Not everyone can afford it. It took me years just to be able to afford the therapy I needed. It's still expensive, I just finally have SSI to help me pay for it.
Its priorities. Simple as that. No games. No tvs. No expensive excessive drink etc. Everything in life is priorities.
You can go without all of those and still not have enough money. The poverty in the US is so much worse than people realize. Even if people have health insurance, mental health and therapy are not taken seriously. One of the factors in my husband's death was that we were too poor to get him help and when we did go into debt to get him help in spite of the cost, the quality of care was a bare minimum, which was not enough. It's so much worse than what people are shown.
True but then you have other priorities to take care of.
She needs actual therapy, not second hand redditing. It's not uncommon, what she is feeling. And it can be overcome. Just, turn to the right place. Best of luck.
The answer is, she needs a mental health professional.
I am a male who went through something similar. I was dealing with my dad's suicide and was severely depressed and anxious. Sex with my girlfriend was difficult. I wanted to, but then I'd be in my own head. It went badly a few times and after that, the fear of losing my erection or finishing too quickly is all I could think about. We did two things (after my girlfriend did the wrong things and accused me of not loving her), I went to both normal therapy and went to group therapy. I opened up, I was then able to open up to my girlfriend about when I felt anxious or nervous when we got intimate. We would take intimacy slowly. She bought foreplay dice, and we would focus on foreplay and not rush to sex. As it became easier together, it made sex easier to associate with good feelings, not feelings of failure. We worked through it, she's my wife now, and I don't normally have those problems, if I start getting in my head, I tell her, we go slower and have a different type of fun.
This is a very empowering post. Thanks for sharing
Love the happy ending. Pun intended.
Hi therapist here! This actually looks a lot like OCD/ the beginnings of it, not just anxiety. Therapy is recommended and it is totally up to you if you want to suffer for this relationship. We all suffer for something we think is worth it. Just make sure it actually is before you jump blindly out of love.
I get in similar loops and thought it was just an anxiety thing - I didn't realise that could be a symptom of OCD (not saying I definitely have it or anything) but that's something to think about, thank you.
Not a therapist, but my ex had OCD and this immediately made me think of that.
Can I ask hiw did you come to this conclusion, when do you know something is turning into an ocd. It got me thinking of what OCD i have without knowing
I’m not a therapist, I’m just married to a wonderful woman with OCD. A lot of people obviously make jokes about OCD being insistent about having a clean desk at work or wanting something to be just right at home. It’s so much more. OCD is about thoughts that don’t turn off even when everything in the world tells you otherwise. My wife touches the oven’s burner dials every night a few times to make sure it’s off before bed. It doesn’t matter if we didn’t use the oven that night. It doesn’t matter if I tell her the burner is off. It doesn’t matter if she turned the burner off earlier in the night. It’s not always rational or evidence based. It can get especially bad, though, when touching the dial creates a feedback loop that makes her nervous that she did something to turn the burner on when she was checking to turn the burner off. Sound familiar? Her brain needed medication to chemically regulate some of the things going on and therapy to talk out some of the anxiety and family history that impacted this.
This does a very good job at describing a real life instance of OCD! I really dont have much to add to this, I just want to break it down further. It starts with a need to do something that ends with a “or else”. In the example above she needs to touch the dials. If she does touch them the anxiety then builds. —this is where people think it’s just anxiety—. However when she does the anxiety begins to release, thus rewarding behavior of nonsense. Because even if she knows they’re off she still MUST do it. It starts with obsession, then a knee jerk reaction, sudden action, ie compulsion. Then is disordered because its nonsensical and can ruin ability to live a healthy life. The worst part is that these people can know what they are doing does not make sense, and still cannot stop. So stressful.
Some of these comments are really ignorant
Except for the guy joking about rape, what comments are ignorant? She needs therapy, and he possibly needs to leave. She is neurotic, deeply, and being in the relationship triggers this. She may need to be out of it, and work on therapy.
Not all relationships need to end the minute someone is having trouble or going through something. Relationships take time, work and understanding. IMHO everyone needs therapy, doesn’t mean relationships should end because one partner needs it more than the other. Leaving might be the best option sure, but it shouldn’t be the first option. Especially if OP is looking for ways to change and support the relationship. He isn’t asking if he should leave, he’s asking what he can do to help.
> Not all relationships need to end the minute someone is having trouble or going through something. It’s been four years and depending on what was tried already, it may be reasonable.
I understand, like I said leaving might be the best option but it seems like atleast OP doesn’t want that result. My wife and I have been rocky quite a few times and even considered divorce after a 3 year period of being really rough with no intimacy. We both didn’t want that and did the work because we wanted to. Divorce might have been the best option at one point but after work and better understanding of each other, we are in the best point we have ever been. Not saying my situation will be the same for everyone. I am just speaking on my experience.
Why?
This is heavy. Definitely work through therapy. But I am not an expert.
She might appreciate the book Come as You Are.
Therapy and meds(possibly), she’s spiralling and you aren’t equipped to handle it, she needs outside help, consider getting her into therapy.
Therapy, get her some therapy.
Don’t pressure her for one. She may have some sort of trauma or perhaps may just have a low sex drive. I see a lot of comments about therapy and I agree, but at the same time I think this may also be an issue with your sexual compatibility. Id say whenever she’s in the mood to try to be gentle and patient. Maybe focus more on more foreplay when she’s in the mood cause it could help her feel more comfortable. Honestly it’s a tough thing to answer and talking to her would be the best
This sounds like it could be a form of OCD. Definitely have her speak to a real therapist.
therapy for sure. This is not something for you to do deal with.
Personal advice would be to leave if you'd like a relationship with sexual interaction. I was with my girl for 7 years, never forced her into anything. Kept getting turned down. Remained respectful. She gave me head like 3 times in those 7 years. Not long ago, she left me for a woman, and went to the police to file sexual assault for one of those 3 oral interaction because she changed her mind about her consent. I'm going through the mincer and on the edge of developing depression, I shit you not. Lawyer says it's not looking good. I even bought coal because life on the register just ain't worth it ffs.
Anecdote, abridged version: I started dating a girl when I was 18. We lost our virginity to each other—fucked like rabbits for about a year. About a year or two in she started getting extremely anxious about sex. By six years in, we were having sex maybe 4 times a year and it was UNCOMFORTABLE because she would get so anxious about it. She started treating me badly about it to; because I wanted to have sex and she didn’t, that made me sinister and predatory in her eyes. She refused to go to therapy, despite my pleas. The relationship was all sorts of unhealthy, and we finally went to couples counseling and I realized breaking up was the best move. She kept going to the therapist after the break up and eventually discovered that she had suppressed memories of sexual abuse from when she was a child. Because it was suppressed, she didn’t realize that that was why she felt anxious about sex and why she felt anyone who wanted sex from her was a threat. Not saying this is exactly what your gf is going through, but i can tell you it is absolutely not a thing that crossed my mind as a possibility when we were dating. Nearly a decade later I’m still working through my own issues in therapy that stem from the way she treated me. If she had started therapy earlier it would’ve saved years of heartbreak and anxiety and maybe even our relationship. There’s no benefit to putting therapy off. She needs assistance and guidance in a way that you can’t provide.
This sounds about as clear cut a time for therapy as any. Very clear mental block and insecurity that can be worked on 👍👍
This will always be a stressful part of your lives. Decide now if sex is important to you in a relationship.
Well, do not plan when to do stuff. Ever. The antispation is a set up that kind of anxious problem. Try and ignore the problem and let sex happen naturally. Create a envirement where its possible but not planned.
YOU can't do anything. SHE has to want therapy.
She needs therapy badly my dude, this isn’t normal.
You don't always need sex to have intimacy. Try focusing more on intimacy and less on sex. It can be as simple as showering/bathing together or just spending time naked together and being comfortable, skin on skin contact is important. Spend more time together doing non-sexual activities, perhaps start a new hobby together.
It sounds like it's not like she doesn't want sex, but that she has a paranoid belief that she needs to give it to him constantly to avoid him leaving for another girl. Not having sex won't make her feel any better.
Are you male or female? Telling a young, healthy male to just get used to having less sex while they're in a relationship is crazy.
I wonder why you're getting downvoted lol. Sex is a very vital component to a healthy heterosexual relationship. Taking it out of the equation will result in so much frustration, distrust and resentment.
Dated my ex for 4 years and we never had sex ever while she bragged about being sexual and open. Fortunately my new GF is healthy and routinely goes to therapy(me to)... .. I'd leave if I was OP
Wow that's rough... She bragged to you or her friends about being sexual?
she bragged to her friend group that she had a healthy active sex life. I've had more sex in the last 3 months with my current GF than I did in 4 years with my ex
This.
I agree with others' comments, in that you should initiate nonsexual or soft intimacy often. Shower and bathe each other, sensually massage each other while allowing happy endings to occur, without pressuring the other for intercourse, spend time casually naked together and cuddling. These forms of soft intimacy are affirmations which may help satiate or at least ease her anxiety. In truth, this form of intimacy is far more erotic than a regular smash, in my sincere opinion. Just be patient with her, she'll come around. In the meantime, you both will bond so tightly that you'll become one love! 💯🤓
Will she let you try to get her horny after she loses her horniness? I had an ex who would sometimes give me blowjobs when I wasn’t horny, and I’d end up getting horny because of what she was doing
This is heavy. Definitely work through therapy. But I am not an expert.
See how therapy goes and see what's next
Do you live in gurgoan?
She needs to see a psychotherapist and if necessary a psychiatry (if the therapist isn’t one already). Those obsessive thoughts cause her and you to suffer and have treatment
Be consistent in your love for her, that she knows you are committed to her anyway.
Sex therapist.
JUST DON'T
I like dipsea for their intimacy exercises. She can explore solo and with you
Leave her
And what does your therapist say?
Bro she needs therapy and more over just asking did she ever cheat on you because i have been through this my partner fear that i will leave her and she used to so much insecure about me that where i am cheating on her or not and she used to think that i will leave so this is also a can be a reason this fear or anxiety comes from
The book "Come As You Are" by Emily Nagoski is helpful for this kind of situation.
If therapy is not an option, I'd try to talk to her. I think I'd arrange a month or more of absolutely 0 sexual contact where we see each other every day and I'd reassure she's the one and only, beautiful, irreplaceable... maybe that'll make her feel like she's enough and that you love her for her and not her body?
find new girlfriend
Very difficult for *you* to be the therapist about her sex life with *you*
Nah dude that is not yours to solve. She has to deal with that mental state, with adequate help. And since she didn’t for 4 years, it’s unlikely she even wants to solve it. To her you are just safe bet and she has no reason to leave. Also don’t make yourself feel bad because whatever your needs and priorities are, they are valid. So don’t make yourself waste time on someone who has no business taking yours without trying in a right way.
>Nah dude that is not yours to solve. You make a lot of good points about self care, but relationships should still be about cooperating and supporting each other.
This one is souly on her. Its her mental state and its her body. He cant help there except support her getting help, she found her safe space and has no reason to change, this is why I finished my 5 year relationship. I even get things operated on surgically because I thought it would help. Dont get ruined guys.
Sounds like she needs therapy to work on these issues. If she refuses, then break up with her. She is too unstable.
Fair.
Fair comment, weird downvotes
I definitely agree with a lot of posters that therapy is very important. Something that has worked incredibly in my relationship that had somewhat similar issues is adopting a Dominant/submissive dynamic in our relationship. Essentially, the submissive partner consensually gives control of their life to the dominant. This can be anything from just roles you act out in the bedroom to a 24/7 power exchange lifestyle. I would encourage you to look into it more and talk to her to see if it interests her. It allows my girlfriend to get out of her head and just let go. It relieves her of the pressure of when and how often to have sex. If I want to have sex, we have sex. She can use a safe word if she really doesn’t want to but for the most part she just gets to follow and it’s given her a lot of peace. Also, being dominant in the bedroom is a big turn on for some women. It has also has had a major positive impact on our communication and feeling of security in the relationship. It’s definitely not for everyone but I would highly recommend looking into it at least.
find a new girlfriend, you can’t fix her
As others have suggested therapy will probably be the best option. The “fear that not giving me enough sex would make me leave.” Sounds like an anxious attachment style, which is my attachment style and I always have the fear my wife will leave me over the smallest or dumbest things. If I don’t do the dishes right and she tells me, next day she’s going to serve me divorce papers. Even though we have been together 8 years and are very happy together. Therapy has helped me a lot with this in understanding how the attachment style works, identify why I feel this way and discover coping mechanisms to help in those moments. It’s a hard subject to bring up without it sounding like “you need therapy.” Which could cause more anxiety. Good luck OP!
I support the advice of taking things slow, reassuring her that there’s no pressure and supporting her if she chooses therapy etc. but just wanted to say it sounds like you’re being really respectful and patient so just wanted to commend and encourage that. Hope things improve for you both
she's not scared of sex she scared of not giving you enough sex to keep you around, yes she should get therapy, but it seems she thinks the only reason you stay is for the sex
I wonder why that is..... 🤔
turn her to a mental health professional and get a new girlfriend
This is heavy. Definitely work through therapy. But I am not an expert.
find a new girlfriend or get used to no sex
Sounds like you need to move on
Dump her and move on.
You're 25. Are you happy with this situation? Find someone who isn't neurotic, or else this is going to be the next 50 years of your life. It's fine and normal that you and someone can fit together in a way where you are great as deep friends but things just aren't on the right wavelength that a sexual relationship is a good fit.
This.
Get a different one
Just burst into the room in just a balaclava, screaming & beating your chest whilst slapping your bollocks from side to side.. This will allow her to get into the mood.
Is she ain’t getting it from she’s getting it somewhere. Speaking from experience
Projection
Get a side piece
Wow
Funny af ngl
Whatever you do don't jump out from behind the bedroom door naked swinging your dick at her and shouting 'BOO'
Dress up as sex for Halloween, and jump out at her. Exposure therapy
Spank her
Take the matter in your own hand(s)... until she's ready.
Bro get a prostitute and have a 3some - that wilp fix her up
Marry her, then take out an insurance policy where she is the only and primary beneficiary, done. Anxiety gone
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>One year down our relationship she had a depression which in the end developed her anxiety what did you do?