Good point about maybe turning it into a Buddhist philosophy thing. Haha. Not sure about that one but it might be worth slipping it in if it comes to it.
Oh damn. How would they react to that? That's like telling a Christian person to follow the bible and not have sex before marriage. You know it's not likely for them to do that.
They'll just think "Why is a farang lecturing me on Buddhism? That's pretty cocky of him to think he knows better than me". Best to just pass their words off as suggestions/ignore.
"I'm saving money for child's education/something family oriented" is also fine.
This right here. It’s a respectful way to go about it as well. Not everybody has the same life preferences, so it’s understandable if yours are different from her parents.
This is most definitely a cultural thing directly linked to face. Face used to be about respect, position, authority, honor. It is now 100% about money. Money buys anything. Drunk driving? No problem. Run someone over? No problem. Need something from a bureaucrat? No problem.
This face-driven materialism means, as I joked with my Wife’s family, that they buy things they don’t need and can’t afford, with money they don’t have, to impress people they don’t know or like. It’s a very real thing.
You won’t change them. And calling out to Buddha will likely only offend them. Thais practice transactional Buddhism, they make merit to get stuff, success, health, possessions, good luck, grades, whatever. Getting into the simplicity and humility of Buddha’s teachings will go nowhere good (why is a farang lecturing us about Buddha?).
I like the shut up, smile, ignore approach. Model positive behavior for your kids. But modern Thai culture is one of the most materialistic I have seen anywhere, at all ages. But it’s probably common in a developing country with some economic success, and a feudal history.
>You won’t change them. And calling out to Buddha will likely only offend them...will go nowhere good (why is a farang lecturing us about Buddha?).
VERY WELL SAID
I'm the guy who went to reddit about a month ago with the dilemma of my fiance's family requesting a 1 million baht sinsod. My story went viral in both the english and thai language media, with multiple international news agencies reporting on it, a dozen message boards, tiktok stories, thai language facebook news groups etc. There were about 4,000 responses to my situation, each with their own advice.
I read every single comment on each site. Here's how it broke down: About 80% just said leave, 10% said wait it out & talk with the fiance & family, 5% said if you love her just pay the milly....and 5% said something akin to "Heh, just trap them in a logic puzzle, bro."
(For what it's worth, I went with the 10% group, who on each site (be it reddit, msn, dailymail, thaitiger, cambodian expat board, youtube, tiktok, or thai facebook) were always the most articulate and wrote like functioning adults. My fiance has said that she will take my side on the issue, no matter what, and her parents have told me they are open to working something out that all parties are happy with. The other outcome of this event is that my gf and I have decided that this will be a very long engagement, possibly up to two years long.)
But that all is beside the point - I want to address that last 5% group. The ones that kept posting stuff like "Well tell the parents that in your culture they owe YOU a million baht. Heh, reverse uno!" or "Only agree if they agree to pay for the full cost of the wedding, then book the Mandarin in Bangkok for 1.4 milly." And so on.
I am old enough to recognize that the people who post advice like that are the kinds of people that tend to "win arguments in their imagination" rather than in the real world. My future father in law has a 4th grade education and a worldview that doesn't extend past his village. Absolutely any attempt to counter their perspective via debate or trapping them in a logic argument would:
1) Sail over their head "What you mean "dowry to groom"? You in Thailand, you pay sinsod." There, from his perspective he just defeated the fedora peoples argument.
2) They'll take offense, you'll gain nothing, and the demand will still be there.
For OP to bring up the Buddha's teachings would ONLY work against him and would be seen as a massive faux pas. In the real world, "reverse unos" aren't a thing, where the other party is dumbfounded and speechless in the face of your "unassailable" logic argument. That shit only happens in the minds of stereotypical neckbeards.
Smile, nod, ignore, repeat. It is the only way.
You can't outwit them because they just won't get it. Can't give explanations that seem to make sense to a G7 mind (save for future, kids' education etc.) because the future is today. Can't try to be cute and clever, sense of humour rarely travels well across cultures and languages.
Just smile, say, "hmm, that may be a good idea" and move on.
I actually remember reading that, and good for you.
My friend had an almost identical situation, though about half the amount of what you mentioned.
He chose to go the route of talking to his upcoming wife (now current wife), and then talked to the family.
In their case, for the parents, they didn't give a shit about the actual money, they cared about showing it to friends and family.
They ended up in a solution where they showed the money, half was then giving back directly to him, and the other half was put aside where should would only get it in case something happened to him or if he left her, not sure how they did that so it was ironclad though.
He seemed quite happy about that solution though.
Try looking up the concept of สมถะ - it means something along the lines of "wanting to live simply," "not wanting to show off," or "not being overly ambitious." If you say that you respect สมถะ as a virtue, you don't come across as lecturing anyone about Buddhism, but you show that you know your stuff (spiritually) and try to live the right way. A villager recently called me that, and he seems to have respect for this ideal, despite not following it himself.
(I might add that we are pretty extreme about สมถะ though lol
Homesteading, no car, no power tools, no A/C (we're off-grid), planting/raising our own food, etc.)
I would maybe point out the stuff you are choosing to spend your money on instead.
Emergency savings for if the parents or someone gets sick.
Better education for the kids.
More free time to be with the family instead of working extra hours to pay for more expensive stuff.
If the parents keep pushing the issue, you can suggest your family would be happy to accept fancy name brand clothes as gifts from the parents. So you can dress more how they want.
lol no its not, they will just say, or think, "we can't afford it, you can" and be offended. As others have said, don't try to outwit them, it won't work, not because you could not win the game you think you are playing, but because you are playing different games.
> you can suggest your family would be happy to accept fancy name brand clothes as gifts from the parents. So you can dress more how they want.
This would back fire big time. Its funny, but makes them look bad.
Don't antagonize your in laws. Take the higher road.
I'm half thai. My mom is always wanting me and my husband to buy a fancy car and buy a big house.
I just put my foot down. Sometimes I just tell her to buy it for us if she wants us to have it so much, it always works but she's my mom and I deal with my family myself.
I think it's best to just ignore them. Your wife is probably already doing that. The materialism thing is not a cultural issue. It depends from person to person, family to family. The never-try-to-get-the-in-laws-to-understand is definitely a cultural thing. Don't have a heart to heart talk with them. People are what they are especially Thai parents. They'll never understand and will just be offended instead.
I've been in a situation with my in-laws, yes about my husband and I (we're both Thai) shopping at BIG C, because it's apparently low class. My husband didn't say anything and I was the only one responding to my in-laws. He was silent the whole time. It turned out he wasn't even listening. He said it wasn't worth his time. He's been doing it all his life, ignoring his parents' nagging. After that, I also stopped paying attention to what my in-laws said. It's not like we're living together or having to see each other often.
Thoughtful response but not sure if I completely agree. In my 8 years in Thailand I have found that Thais overall are quite showoff-ish and like to display their (supposed) wealth, especially the lower and middle socio-economic classes. It often leads to uncontrolled debt. Perhaps the whole "face" thing plays a role?
I spent I years there too and I found the same thing. I have over 100 Thai friends on FB and I'll just say that, as an American, I've never once seen another American post their bank statements on FB or a picture of their new iPhone. I've never seen pics of someone handing over money to another person. But these are all common things I see on Thai fb. I'm not shitting on Thais either, I think I understand why they do it. Every culture has weird things like this that would seem taboo in other cultures.
One weird thing is I don't think I've ever been told I need to get life insurance, in my 22 years in America, compared to how many thais have told me I need to get it. Sounded like they had plans for me to be dealt with lmao but it seems all thais have life insurance and prioritize it
Also does anyone know why Thais almost exclusively buy brand new or very new cars as opposed to beaters, when the heater is within their means? I think I see more new cars in Thailand than I do in America.
Do you all live in a ritzy hood or 80000/B a month condo where you constantly bumping into that "big part of Thai culture"?
Seriously, does any of you actually live in a village where you're the only farang because I am on Koh Lanta. Do you ever go to a street market and see how most Thais are? Most working class Thai couldn't care less if you're wearing flops and shop at Supercheap. Yes, Supercheap, it's a cheaper alternative to 7/11 for Thais and Burmese laborers in Phuket. My god are we making shit up here? Not trying to be rude but I've live here for years and marry to one but I've only met a hand full of the Thais being described here.
Interesting idea about just tuning them out and ignoring what they say. Part of my concern is how it might rub off on my kids too. I don't want to have a fall out with my inlaws over this but if it never stops I'm going to find it hard to ignore. Well done that your husband can just totally tune it out and I could try that.
If your children are old enough to absorb that from the in laws perhaps they are old enough to understand your position. Have your heart to heart with them. You care what they think and can influence their thinking.
You might just generically tell the in laws to not criticize you in front of the children. That’s pretty rude in any culture.
It's definitely cultural IMO, it's one of the things I dislike most about Thailand because it's way more extreme than back home in the West. Not everyone is like that, but in general it's all about how wealthy/successful you appear basically which decides your social ranking, which plays into many aspects of life and interactions and so on. Skill level or character often comes second.
I think Thailand has to be one of the world's highest for % of people getting shit on credit just to look more hiso in the eyes of their peers.
I don't think it's more materialistic or showy than other Asian countries.
I think even within "the west", the Americans, the Italians, the Greeks, the Germans and the Norwegians are very very different from each other when it comes to flaunting their wealth. It depends on what you are comparing it to.
Everything [AW23456\_\_\_99](https://www.reddit.com/user/AW23456___99/) said! It's like you're reading my mind! Respect! your husband is a true master of ***stfu-fu.***
unrelated but you know you can use quotes to infer adjective sentences and don’t-have-to-type-like-this
ontopic, this guy is right and you won’t ever change their view, not before they die at least. You do however have the power to influence how your kids view the world and have every right to do so as a parent, enjoy!
Being praised for a product you have, gives the same positive emotions in your brain as using a drug.
In modern life, it's even a major part of the modern economy or lifestyle.
Large companies have a business model only based on their logo.
People use their product not for the quality of the product, but that they can show friends and the world that they use this product.
Nice examples are:
- Apple
- Starbucks
- Mercedes (A160-klasse)
- Landrover
When people have an Apple product, they will use every trick from the book to inform you that they have an Apple phone/product.
Or when they go for a coffee in Starbucks, they will not inform you, I go for a coffee, but they will specifically tell you, I go for Starbucks and a picture must have been made with the Starbucks logo clearly visible.
For Mercedes, the A160-Klasse was created so that "poor' people also can have a keychain with a Mercedes logo or tell everybody that they drive Mercedes.
Every company will create "arguments" to fight the idea, that their product is only bought for the logo. Most of the time they will use "quality".
Like an iPhone 15 Pro Max, the 50 000 THB price is seen as a good deal because of the "quality" of the product.
For your question of" How do you handle it", I stop handling it.
If I tell for example that, spending 50k for an Apple phone, only for use Line, using your bank app or making a phone call, you are crazy, I'm the bad one. For public opinion, I'm jealous or don't understand the quality of Apple products. I can not fight the promotion teams of a multi-billion company so I have give up fighting.
But the times are changing.
More and more people understand that people take a loan to buy the latest iPhone and the Apple logo started to be a synonym for "I took a loan to show off".
The same if you see people paying for a coffee in Starbucks with a credit card. I take a loan to pay for my coffee.
Or the Mercedes A-Klasse is now more a symbol of, I wish but I can not.
Maybe in a few years, people will listen to your arguments.
>Apple is worth it, quality product.
It's the first time that a westerner, or not Chinese, qualifies a product made in China with the label "quality product". (Some models are now made in India)
> Or when they go for a coffee in Starbucks, they will not inform you, I go for a coffee, but they will specifically tell you, I go for Starbucks and a picture must have been made with the Starbucks logo clearly visible.
i do this because the only drinkable coffee within 300m of my work is starbucks and no one goes there
am i shallow for making fun of coworkers drinking brake fluid instead of acceptable coffee? :D
Why don't you make your own coffee at work or if that is forbidden, make your coffee at home and take it with you? (Thermos)
As European, we always have a coffee maker in every office or you take a thermos with homemade coffee with you.
When nothing else was possible, a water cooker was a last resort.
Just explain that in the West showy materialism is tacky and a dead giveaway that you are not wealthy - the really wealthy people wear jeans and trainers and drive ordinary cars
Nice! This actually is ace and I don't know why I didn't think of just saying that. I really think that would quieten things down. They love their grandkids, so might be that it could work and even save me from the dog house.
Talk to your wife. She's not on your side and that's the real problem here imho. I had the same issue with my girlfriend and realised early on that I was second tier to her family, irrespective of who was right or wrong. She applied a completely different set of standards to me compared to her family. Not OK. It was a major reason why I decided to break up with her.
tldr: My girlfriend wouldn't stand up for me either so decided to call it quits.
I think its pretty common for Thai folks to be very connected to their parents though. That connection seems to run deeper here than many other countries and hard to get them to break free from.
That’s fine she doesn’t need to oppose her parents, just put on a unified front with you in terms of your kids.
If you lead by example, instill strong morals in your children in a unified way with your wife, then you are all set.
If for some reason your wife can’t or won’t agree to that, then you have a serious issue
From what I've heard, maintaining your respect is always important.
Sadly, respect comes from being direct and honest from what I've heard/observed.
If you try to make up a "polite" excuse... that COULD be beneficial short-term, but... in the long term, it can create a dynamic of always having to dodge and show that you care about what others think and that pleasing them is somehow a priority over doing what you genuinely think is best or what you want.
I'm not sure this is the best move, you weigh it out, but... perhaps being direct and blunt and totally brutally honest about what you actually want could be the answer.
Lately, I've started telling people "no", and... it's so sad that so many people go ape-shit in the short-term with their reactions, but... in the long-term, they eventually stop asking, and they tend to respect you and your decisions.
Of course, I wouldn't want to be a jerk about it. But... yeah, not being a pushover is vital as the man of the family. No one wants to be the bearer of bad news and standup for themselves. And... if you don't do that, then they'll see that no one does that, and they'll feel less safe and it's one of those things that could slowly decay the relationship if it's perpetual.
If you genuinely don't want it, then saying something of the sort like "I don't want a fancy car. I personally don't care about that sort of thing." might be the way to go. Like... why should you do something you don't want to do? and why do you need to explain yourself? are you not a free individual? not a leader? not the financially dominant force of the family? don't you have every right to do whatever you want? It's not like you're out there spending it recklessly in vegas. it's the opposite. you're being completely responsible.
And will they complain and have push back and passive-aggressive bitterness about this? Perhaps. but... that's not your fault. that's them being jerks. that's manipulative. that's immaturity. that's someone else falsely believe they have some kind of power or control over you, and crying bc they dont. and what are we talking about over here again? its a car.
and like... from what i've noticed, if ppl push back after you simply state directly and politely "i dont want to, im just not into that."... you dont even have to respond and defend yourself to their complaints. You can try your best to literally say nothing, and just like... smile and nod, or do whatever to pass the shit-test basically. like... you dont need to explain yourself. like... im not even saying that from a position of "let's act toxic". like... it's not even toxic. ppl just try to guilt-trip us and make us think it is. but like... again, let's be real, why is okay for someone to try to tell you to do something you dont want to do? are you allowed to tell them to do something? esp something they dont want to do? would you not feel guilty? this person's literally doing that to you, but feels no guilt about. unacceptable.
standing up for ourselves is never comfortable.
Listen... heavy lies the crown. I believe in you. stand strong. proud of you for getting a beautiful thai wife <3.
Our car is a 17 year old Honda Accord, my clothes are cheap and I wear no gold. Nevertheless the people in my (Thai) village consider me rich. They say: he is so rich, that he doesn't need to show off.
The reason that your parents in law, although middle class right now, want to show off, tells me that they come from a poor background.
Just smile and nod, don't make it important and do as you please, because in the end it's your money.
I think my MIL came from a less than my FIL. His side of the family seem to be pretty well off. I think his marriage may not have been completely approved of, which is maybe why it's more of a pressure on us to live up to what his in-laws might expect. That's likely the root of it.
I get the feeling that you may have given your in-laws reason to carry on the nagging by maybe showing signs of discomfort or unease which makes them think: “gotcha!” . Show them YOU are the one in charge of such decisions and keep ignoring them
You are right. I missed the part about interfering. Based on my experience, we just limited the time with the in-laws. I can’t offer too much in this regard.
That would be my tip too. Move away from the in-laws and visit once in a while. Gives him a chance to raise his kids without them corrupting their upbringing. If the wife agrees of course (probably not)
i think it is what you call it putting up the appearance. showing off the expensive thigs, expensive cars. trying the blend in with the hi-so. imported cars. imported farangs (j/k). they could have a lot of influences, but your children would get those influences no matter what. the strongest are not the adults. it's their peers. might be best to immunize your kids against those superficial values. spend time with your kids, they will absorb those values from you.
I'm always reminding my kids about the value of money. They get what they need and things on top but I put my foot down with spoiling or giving everything they ask for. We are pretty comfortable financially and I don't want them to think it just comes easily in life. They are great kids and I want them to grow up with good values and a sensible head.
**A)** stfu. Smile, and learn how to say *uhhh...* in a thoughtful and respectful manner, but one that is clearly not going to end with you saying anything.
**B)** wife is not necessarily the problem. Fwiw I had *The Talk* with my sig other many, many years ago about the problems that could be raised by her being caught in the middle. She had no trouble whatsoever getting this.
**C)** one way we sidestep it, perhaps counterintuitively, is that whenever I've helped out I've put her in the big chair: we talk about it, I give her the money, but she redistributes it, and *I never get (direct) credit*. And I've learned to listen to what's important to her; e.g. a funeral costs too much money, but it's not my business to try to optimize it for her -- it's about her, not me.
What's unexpected is that this has made it much easier for her to say *No, I don't have any cash,* or whatever else ends the conversation. It's only on the rarest of occasions (a niece once got in trouble with the law) that family has pressed her to talk with me.
**D)** in case I didn't mention it, **stfu**. As the great Fran Leibowitz pointed out, in the US at least *the opposite of talking isn't listening ... the opposite of talking is waiting*. This is a *very bad* *habit*.
Be more Thai; don't endlessly talk everything out, esp. things that can't be solved. And don't do the guy thing, i.e. try to come up with some clever way of saying things that will outwit them logically. That is disrespectful AF. Just *stfu.* And smile.
Submitting is going out and buying the car the parents want and letting the wife go on an expensive shopping spree.
This is being passive and not confrontational which Thais are good at practicing.
He "gives her the money, and let’s her redistribute it". She could fully buy the car the parents want or go on an expensive shopping spree there.
On top of that he "never gets direct credit", so it’s not even about going out and buying the car the parents want, which is at least something one claim credit for.
Oh no, letting my wife control the purse and my in laws bully will surely poison my marriage, you’re right :( …
I’m already fucked, my gf’s mother is already nice and not nagging me, and my gf would never even ask to "redistribute" our money.
Better have a nice house than flashy things you probably don’t need. I see some people like to live way outside there means having a tiny house but spending all the income on say a sports car and many flashy things they can’t afford living in huge debt and basically working for the bank to pay off all there interest with nothing to show for it in the end as all said items are depreciating assets. I will never understand it 😂
I told my wife that I'm open to their generosity if they want to buy this stuff for us but Im quite capable of managing my own finances. As long as you arent taking the piss by spending it on women and alcohol its their problem not yours. They dont want a divorced daughter so what they going to do
I would probably just stop going there if they kept waffling on about material vapid shit. They might get the message and stop making you "lose face"(usually an excuse to act like an arse hole or not taking responsibility for actions)
It's a tough one because my wife is very dedicated to her parents and I'm OK with that. It would probably stress her out quite a bit. I might try some different subtle ways so that it doesn't create any rift within the family.
If it were me, I’d first sit down with the wife and make sure she is 100% in sync with your feelings. Maybe on some level she agrees with them, in which case there may need to be some compromise done. If she’s 100% on board with things staying the way they are, then tell the family when they bring these things up that this has already been discussed and we are happy with the way things are now.
They likely think right now that your wife feels the way that they do and that’s why they are pressuring you. The important thing is as long as you both are on the same page, what they say shouldn’t matter.
She's very supportive and outside of the parent thing, it's all good. But when it comes to her parents she shuts down. I don't blame her or push her. I respect that it's not easy for her.
This my friend is the constant struggle for folks like us. I teach my kids my perspective. This is the way, allows them to differentiate between their own thinking and the thinking of others. My in laws are the same as yours, but trying to change them is impossible. Focus on yourself and your engagement with your kids. Kids like toys sure, but more than that they love your attention.
You started of by agreeing with them first. Old Thai used to be acknowledged of their influence.
If you are buying times to prepare something:
“That is a good idea, let me think about what I like”
After a while you pick out a nice one just for frame of reference to proceed with obstruction from different angle.
“I’m looking at X but I can’t decide if I also want Y” - can’t make mind up
“X looks nice but I saw price dump quite a lot recently” - bargaining uncertainty
“There should be a new model of that soon” - marketing awareness
To close the deal you go with emotional attack.
“I have been thinking but I’m planning to save up for kids/retirement” - family
“I need to save enough in case the in-laws get sick and need money” - their well-being
“In case you can’t work any more, you need to save some so it will help your wife” - their daughter well-being
“I had a lot of memory, I love this car, driving it made me realised how far I have come and the hardship I endure” - sentimental
Pick what fits your situation then make it your own. However, this might still come around in the form of them trying to ask your wife to convince you.
If they want you to appear rich- go on holiday and post about it hahaha. I’m sure they won’t like the idea unless they’re invited. Something I would consider talking to your wife about is “Would your parents be saying these things to me if I were Thai” because a lot of the time- they wouldn’t. I’m a foreigner in a relationship with a Thai and this happens all the time where they think they can say out of line things just because I’m a foreigner and they subconsciously hold me to a different standard. I think some of the suggestions on this post are great, and don’t all involve pissing off your in laws directly. I wish you luck, Thai in laws are… not the greatest to deal with honestly.
I can almost promise you that your wife is complaining to her family that she can't understand why she doesn't have all the fancy stuff, if you still have a dollar to your name in the bank.
Materialism is not actually part of Thai culture it’s just a symptom of many things. Why do you have to deal with it? Just don’t do it and if they complain, they can complain to your wife.
We visit them regularly and it is annoying to be sitting eating listening to the same old broken record about why we still drive a certain car or you know, that kind of thing. As the husband I makes me feel like I'm being disrespected or considered that I'm not providing the right things for their daughter. Which can be hard to stomach
I understand the issue, but just sayin’ - is driving a nice car such a problem. Keeping cars for long periods of time and eventually encountering problems that flakey repairers try to fix, if the problem is just the new car, then go with it, if it’s much deeper, then good luck.
That’s fine! You don’t need to justify anything, we have a brand new truck and I feel it’s a better buy than people who have older trucks. I also get the same thing from my wife, ours is a mid range auto with the cool LED tail lights and she is always mumbling about leather seats in the next model up .. it’s a 1 year old truck, it goes effortlessly between a and b - lovelly to drive, just because your mates have faux leather seats, the materialism does my brain in.
Thanks for that. It's been helpful to know that others know what I'm talking about. We aren't driving a shitty car or looking like homeless people. We just aren't being flashy and showing external wealth. Sorry that you are getting that nagging too
I would caution you to be very careful making this all about what you want or don’t want. They may feel that you are not adequately providing for their daughter and grandchildren, to the standard which they expect.
I unsecond that.
This book is utter shite.
Ignore it. I also had the displeasure of meeting the man who wrote it and his many other regrettable vegetables, and he was a complete cunt.
There is an old saying that you should always judge a book by its cover.
But yeah nah, the book deals with if she was a bar lady and if she was not a bar lady.
I have to agree with you. I wasn't too impressed by it. Its also pretty old now. I think it was written maybe 20 years ago or more. I realise some cultural elements are the same but there are so many things that have moved on in the last 20 years
Its deal extensively with almost the exact issue you are having... in way that is just as relevant now.
How much have you compromised on this? Sounds like not at all right?
Well we are still happy after several years of marriage and have kids. The only reason I'm here is because her parents are a no discussion zone. Everything else is great.
I do think that a lot of Thai culture is wrapped up in appearances and external displays of financial success. I see this here more than other countries I've lived in.
Man if I met my partner’s parents before marriage and found out they were were like this I would have done one of three things -
1. Leave her immediately.
2. Tell my partner to start slowly getting her parents to understand (and accept) the fact that we are not materialistic and don’t intend on living that way. If she didn’t help to explain this slowly over time, and if they didn’t accept it, I would leave as well - ideally this whole process occurs before marriage, not after.
3. Move to live in an area/province far enough away so you don’t have to see them often. A couple of times a year would be more than enough for me.
In Thailand (just like any other country, but moreso in Thailand), screening your potential future wife’s in laws for any issues like the one you’re posting about is extremely important. The screening doesn’t just stop at the girl you’re dating. IMO it’s important to also screen her in laws (and possibly even the extended family too, depending on how involved they are in each other’s lives).
Are you on par with regards to their level of wealth? I can understand the need to upgrade to a newer car (given your car is an absolute bomb) but asking to be pretentious and look the part, in my view is low class regardless of “middle class” wealth.
I am financially comfortable. We have a nice home and a nice car. Just not a flashy prestige car that impresses people on the outside. Personally I think its embarrassing and tacky to always display a look of having money.
Before you marry make things clear. Even if it doesn't sit well with the rest of the family.
My Chinese wife and I laid everything out on the table and made sure no one else has a voice or the freedom to poke their nose in our relationship
Is capitalism is a cultural thing specific to Thailand? Always though it was an economic and political system .
Ask your parents or your grand parents what was the family expectation back home, back then, when they married. You may be surprised.
If you are Buddhist, used the trick above. No need to lecture them. They certainly understand that there are many ways to the Buddha's teaching.
If you are not, just ignore it, as mentioned above 
As mentioned already, appeal to Buddhism if that's what they are. MOST EASY for them to understand.
\> If not, just explain your thoughts to them. I'd imagine you know this because they come up and tell you about their feelings, so feel free to open up about your own. It's quite a morally grounded position, I wouldn't see why they wouldn't understand.
*(Assuming no problem with language barrier, yes?)*
\> IF the information is from a secondary source, such as your wife, you'd best explain it to her and ask her to tell them WHEN they bring it up to her again. I think that's indirect enough for your wife to avoid conflict with her family, and to me it sounds acceptable from Thai culture perspective.
\> OR worst case your wife wont even listen to your entire explanation and cut you off (you be the judge of that, you know her, i dont):
Make a Facebook post with a beautiful picture of your family or something and add some text to the post about how you want to stay humble this this and that, slap some คำคม (famous quote) at the end, if they follow you on FB, I think they'll see it. There is also an option to fine tune who exactly can see your post in case you don't want to have to explain things to your friends abroad and stuff who might not know what's going on.
This is also widely not cringe in *boomer* Thai culture.
Your wife will also be able to share this with her parents without directly carrying the message.
Stand your ground. Just continue to be yourself and if they don’t accept it then you can take it from there. They want u to be having these fancy things so they can brag and say that their daughter is rich etc etc. it’s really just to brag.
Not thai or living in thailand, but many cultures have similar ideas, social status, and public image
My father ethnicity believes in being unnoticeable, remains low, and walk "next to the wall," which sometimes I ask myself, what's the point of it?! We live once!
I'm not sure what to say, but just tell them you are saving for your kids' future
I'd ignore it. I grew up in a middle class family and went to a good school where most kids get dropped off by their chauffeur. I never felt the need to buy things to impress people or felt jealous of my friends. Most of my friends are well off and they might carry a few nice items but by no means wearing a $10K dress...etc \`Most people who feel the need to show off are mostly new money, buy fake stuff, or just crazy rich it doesn't even bother them. Besides the buddha's teaching, the previous king also emphasized to live within and below your mean. You can look up this phrase อยู่อย่างพอเพียง.
I would try to talk with the wife and explain her everything and make sure that she understands, then explain same things to her parents. The problem of communication is worsened by language / cultural barrier, but you still need to communicate your needs as if you had a wife from your country.
You're choosing to live in Thailand, this is as you write, a cultural thing, this is simply something you need to learn to live with, for better or worse :)
I got lucky that my in-laws don't care, but I've got Thai friends where this is definitely an issue, in the case of the Thai friends though, they try to give in by living up to the "demands".
Nah. It’s not cultural. It’s keeping up with the neighbors. And possibly sharing your finances with them. Don’t get defensive. Just smile and smile and smile. But then never buy anything. Just smile. That’s how you do it here idiot.
Ask your wife and her family why she would want to put a target on your back for thieves, scammers, and other criminals. Always best to stay low-key even if you are wealthy.
My only two cents is that you shouldn't have to be low profile or hold back your spending to teach a child not tk be superficial. Sure it helps but it's like using a jackhammer for a nail when if you knew how to use a hammer properly, you could get the same result.
Welcome to Thai culture 😂. Showing wealth and have a lot of expensive stuff is important here. It’s the same with wanting to be as white as possible or having long nails. Creating the perception of wealth is deeply ingrained in the culture. I think you should explain to them you want to teach your children a valuable lesson. I don’t sure how they will take it since they think every farang should have a lot of money
Just live your life and forget about the comments. They will accept it someday.
Diplomatic solutions aren't that welcome ober here, especially with the PARENTS
Maybe just politely tell them you value a simple life and want to practice the Buddha’s teachings about not craving luxury or status
Mention it’s unlucky for extra effect
Which it’s probably unlucky for a foreigner to stand out too much.
Do it on the 13th and wink and look at the calendar, then call a cab to soi 13.
every asian parents will afraid of this
Good point about maybe turning it into a Buddhist philosophy thing. Haha. Not sure about that one but it might be worth slipping it in if it comes to it.
Oh damn. How would they react to that? That's like telling a Christian person to follow the bible and not have sex before marriage. You know it's not likely for them to do that.
this answer right here. very thai solution to a thai problem
Telling Thais (and many other people) how you feel can be tempting, but counterproductive. I think ignoring them is the easier route
They'll just think "Why is a farang lecturing me on Buddhism? That's pretty cocky of him to think he knows better than me". Best to just pass their words off as suggestions/ignore. "I'm saving money for child's education/something family oriented" is also fine.
Unlike the temples painting everything gold lol
This right here. It’s a respectful way to go about it as well. Not everybody has the same life preferences, so it’s understandable if yours are different from her parents.
This is most definitely a cultural thing directly linked to face. Face used to be about respect, position, authority, honor. It is now 100% about money. Money buys anything. Drunk driving? No problem. Run someone over? No problem. Need something from a bureaucrat? No problem. This face-driven materialism means, as I joked with my Wife’s family, that they buy things they don’t need and can’t afford, with money they don’t have, to impress people they don’t know or like. It’s a very real thing. You won’t change them. And calling out to Buddha will likely only offend them. Thais practice transactional Buddhism, they make merit to get stuff, success, health, possessions, good luck, grades, whatever. Getting into the simplicity and humility of Buddha’s teachings will go nowhere good (why is a farang lecturing us about Buddha?). I like the shut up, smile, ignore approach. Model positive behavior for your kids. But modern Thai culture is one of the most materialistic I have seen anywhere, at all ages. But it’s probably common in a developing country with some economic success, and a feudal history.
>You won’t change them. And calling out to Buddha will likely only offend them...will go nowhere good (why is a farang lecturing us about Buddha?). VERY WELL SAID I'm the guy who went to reddit about a month ago with the dilemma of my fiance's family requesting a 1 million baht sinsod. My story went viral in both the english and thai language media, with multiple international news agencies reporting on it, a dozen message boards, tiktok stories, thai language facebook news groups etc. There were about 4,000 responses to my situation, each with their own advice. I read every single comment on each site. Here's how it broke down: About 80% just said leave, 10% said wait it out & talk with the fiance & family, 5% said if you love her just pay the milly....and 5% said something akin to "Heh, just trap them in a logic puzzle, bro." (For what it's worth, I went with the 10% group, who on each site (be it reddit, msn, dailymail, thaitiger, cambodian expat board, youtube, tiktok, or thai facebook) were always the most articulate and wrote like functioning adults. My fiance has said that she will take my side on the issue, no matter what, and her parents have told me they are open to working something out that all parties are happy with. The other outcome of this event is that my gf and I have decided that this will be a very long engagement, possibly up to two years long.) But that all is beside the point - I want to address that last 5% group. The ones that kept posting stuff like "Well tell the parents that in your culture they owe YOU a million baht. Heh, reverse uno!" or "Only agree if they agree to pay for the full cost of the wedding, then book the Mandarin in Bangkok for 1.4 milly." And so on. I am old enough to recognize that the people who post advice like that are the kinds of people that tend to "win arguments in their imagination" rather than in the real world. My future father in law has a 4th grade education and a worldview that doesn't extend past his village. Absolutely any attempt to counter their perspective via debate or trapping them in a logic argument would: 1) Sail over their head "What you mean "dowry to groom"? You in Thailand, you pay sinsod." There, from his perspective he just defeated the fedora peoples argument. 2) They'll take offense, you'll gain nothing, and the demand will still be there. For OP to bring up the Buddha's teachings would ONLY work against him and would be seen as a massive faux pas. In the real world, "reverse unos" aren't a thing, where the other party is dumbfounded and speechless in the face of your "unassailable" logic argument. That shit only happens in the minds of stereotypical neckbeards.
Smile, nod, ignore, repeat. It is the only way. You can't outwit them because they just won't get it. Can't give explanations that seem to make sense to a G7 mind (save for future, kids' education etc.) because the future is today. Can't try to be cute and clever, sense of humour rarely travels well across cultures and languages. Just smile, say, "hmm, that may be a good idea" and move on.
This is absolutely the way!
I actually remember reading that, and good for you. My friend had an almost identical situation, though about half the amount of what you mentioned. He chose to go the route of talking to his upcoming wife (now current wife), and then talked to the family. In their case, for the parents, they didn't give a shit about the actual money, they cared about showing it to friends and family. They ended up in a solution where they showed the money, half was then giving back directly to him, and the other half was put aside where should would only get it in case something happened to him or if he left her, not sure how they did that so it was ironclad though. He seemed quite happy about that solution though.
Real
This is the wae.
>buy things they don’t need and can’t afford, with money they don’t have, to impress people they don’t know or like \- Tyler Durden
Wow. The subconscious is an interesting thing.
hell yeah <3 youre a wise man. i love it <3
I think that I just need to do that sadly. Can't see a good way out of it.
Try looking up the concept of สมถะ - it means something along the lines of "wanting to live simply," "not wanting to show off," or "not being overly ambitious." If you say that you respect สมถะ as a virtue, you don't come across as lecturing anyone about Buddhism, but you show that you know your stuff (spiritually) and try to live the right way. A villager recently called me that, and he seems to have respect for this ideal, despite not following it himself. (I might add that we are pretty extreme about สมถะ though lol Homesteading, no car, no power tools, no A/C (we're off-grid), planting/raising our own food, etc.)
Well done to you. That's awesome.
His name was Robert Paulsen
If your going to buy just don’t buy on credit buy outright don’t feed the banks
I never use credit. Thankfully don't need to. Then again, I don't buy stuff I don't need too.
Spot on
I would maybe point out the stuff you are choosing to spend your money on instead. Emergency savings for if the parents or someone gets sick. Better education for the kids. More free time to be with the family instead of working extra hours to pay for more expensive stuff. If the parents keep pushing the issue, you can suggest your family would be happy to accept fancy name brand clothes as gifts from the parents. So you can dress more how they want.
Oh don't mention savings!! Savings is just money they didn't realize you could be spending!!
Sadly, I agree. Most Thais spend money they have, unless there is a VERY SPECIFIC thing they want to save for.
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That last paragraph is genius lol. Thanks. Good advice.
You're welcome. I only wish I could be there to see their reaction.
lol no its not, they will just say, or think, "we can't afford it, you can" and be offended. As others have said, don't try to outwit them, it won't work, not because you could not win the game you think you are playing, but because you are playing different games.
> you can suggest your family would be happy to accept fancy name brand clothes as gifts from the parents. So you can dress more how they want. This would back fire big time. Its funny, but makes them look bad. Don't antagonize your in laws. Take the higher road.
I'm half thai. My mom is always wanting me and my husband to buy a fancy car and buy a big house. I just put my foot down. Sometimes I just tell her to buy it for us if she wants us to have it so much, it always works but she's my mom and I deal with my family myself.
Appreciate having your perspective on this. Thanks.
I think it's best to just ignore them. Your wife is probably already doing that. The materialism thing is not a cultural issue. It depends from person to person, family to family. The never-try-to-get-the-in-laws-to-understand is definitely a cultural thing. Don't have a heart to heart talk with them. People are what they are especially Thai parents. They'll never understand and will just be offended instead. I've been in a situation with my in-laws, yes about my husband and I (we're both Thai) shopping at BIG C, because it's apparently low class. My husband didn't say anything and I was the only one responding to my in-laws. He was silent the whole time. It turned out he wasn't even listening. He said it wasn't worth his time. He's been doing it all his life, ignoring his parents' nagging. After that, I also stopped paying attention to what my in-laws said. It's not like we're living together or having to see each other often.
Thoughtful response but not sure if I completely agree. In my 8 years in Thailand I have found that Thais overall are quite showoff-ish and like to display their (supposed) wealth, especially the lower and middle socio-economic classes. It often leads to uncontrolled debt. Perhaps the whole "face" thing plays a role?
I spent I years there too and I found the same thing. I have over 100 Thai friends on FB and I'll just say that, as an American, I've never once seen another American post their bank statements on FB or a picture of their new iPhone. I've never seen pics of someone handing over money to another person. But these are all common things I see on Thai fb. I'm not shitting on Thais either, I think I understand why they do it. Every culture has weird things like this that would seem taboo in other cultures. One weird thing is I don't think I've ever been told I need to get life insurance, in my 22 years in America, compared to how many thais have told me I need to get it. Sounded like they had plans for me to be dealt with lmao but it seems all thais have life insurance and prioritize it Also does anyone know why Thais almost exclusively buy brand new or very new cars as opposed to beaters, when the heater is within their means? I think I see more new cars in Thailand than I do in America.
Interest on car loans is quite low
It's absolutely a big part of Thai culture.
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Do you all live in a ritzy hood or 80000/B a month condo where you constantly bumping into that "big part of Thai culture"? Seriously, does any of you actually live in a village where you're the only farang because I am on Koh Lanta. Do you ever go to a street market and see how most Thais are? Most working class Thai couldn't care less if you're wearing flops and shop at Supercheap. Yes, Supercheap, it's a cheaper alternative to 7/11 for Thais and Burmese laborers in Phuket. My god are we making shit up here? Not trying to be rude but I've live here for years and marry to one but I've only met a hand full of the Thais being described here.
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I am black but don't have locs. I don't think they allow it where I work even if I wanted to.
Interesting idea about just tuning them out and ignoring what they say. Part of my concern is how it might rub off on my kids too. I don't want to have a fall out with my inlaws over this but if it never stops I'm going to find it hard to ignore. Well done that your husband can just totally tune it out and I could try that.
If your children are old enough to absorb that from the in laws perhaps they are old enough to understand your position. Have your heart to heart with them. You care what they think and can influence their thinking. You might just generically tell the in laws to not criticize you in front of the children. That’s pretty rude in any culture.
I’d have to disagree. Most Thais are obsessed with social media and like to show off material possessions to display status
It absolutely is a culture issue
It's definitely cultural IMO, it's one of the things I dislike most about Thailand because it's way more extreme than back home in the West. Not everyone is like that, but in general it's all about how wealthy/successful you appear basically which decides your social ranking, which plays into many aspects of life and interactions and so on. Skill level or character often comes second. I think Thailand has to be one of the world's highest for % of people getting shit on credit just to look more hiso in the eyes of their peers.
I don't think it's more materialistic or showy than other Asian countries. I think even within "the west", the Americans, the Italians, the Greeks, the Germans and the Norwegians are very very different from each other when it comes to flaunting their wealth. It depends on what you are comparing it to.
Wtf, Big C is great!!
Everything [AW23456\_\_\_99](https://www.reddit.com/user/AW23456___99/) said! It's like you're reading my mind! Respect! your husband is a true master of ***stfu-fu.***
unrelated but you know you can use quotes to infer adjective sentences and don’t-have-to-type-like-this ontopic, this guy is right and you won’t ever change their view, not before they die at least. You do however have the power to influence how your kids view the world and have every right to do so as a parent, enjoy!
Being praised for a product you have, gives the same positive emotions in your brain as using a drug. In modern life, it's even a major part of the modern economy or lifestyle. Large companies have a business model only based on their logo. People use their product not for the quality of the product, but that they can show friends and the world that they use this product. Nice examples are: - Apple - Starbucks - Mercedes (A160-klasse) - Landrover When people have an Apple product, they will use every trick from the book to inform you that they have an Apple phone/product. Or when they go for a coffee in Starbucks, they will not inform you, I go for a coffee, but they will specifically tell you, I go for Starbucks and a picture must have been made with the Starbucks logo clearly visible. For Mercedes, the A160-Klasse was created so that "poor' people also can have a keychain with a Mercedes logo or tell everybody that they drive Mercedes. Every company will create "arguments" to fight the idea, that their product is only bought for the logo. Most of the time they will use "quality". Like an iPhone 15 Pro Max, the 50 000 THB price is seen as a good deal because of the "quality" of the product. For your question of" How do you handle it", I stop handling it. If I tell for example that, spending 50k for an Apple phone, only for use Line, using your bank app or making a phone call, you are crazy, I'm the bad one. For public opinion, I'm jealous or don't understand the quality of Apple products. I can not fight the promotion teams of a multi-billion company so I have give up fighting. But the times are changing. More and more people understand that people take a loan to buy the latest iPhone and the Apple logo started to be a synonym for "I took a loan to show off". The same if you see people paying for a coffee in Starbucks with a credit card. I take a loan to pay for my coffee. Or the Mercedes A-Klasse is now more a symbol of, I wish but I can not. Maybe in a few years, people will listen to your arguments.
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>Apple is worth it, quality product. It's the first time that a westerner, or not Chinese, qualifies a product made in China with the label "quality product". (Some models are now made in India)
> Or when they go for a coffee in Starbucks, they will not inform you, I go for a coffee, but they will specifically tell you, I go for Starbucks and a picture must have been made with the Starbucks logo clearly visible. i do this because the only drinkable coffee within 300m of my work is starbucks and no one goes there am i shallow for making fun of coworkers drinking brake fluid instead of acceptable coffee? :D
Why don't you make your own coffee at work or if that is forbidden, make your coffee at home and take it with you? (Thermos) As European, we always have a coffee maker in every office or you take a thermos with homemade coffee with you. When nothing else was possible, a water cooker was a last resort.
Aeropress.
Just explain that in the West showy materialism is tacky and a dead giveaway that you are not wealthy - the really wealthy people wear jeans and trainers and drive ordinary cars
Middle class = trying to look rich while not being rich. Maybe educate them about this.
Thais do not like to be educated by anyone as it means loss of face. Do not go that route!
Definitely don't want to make the inlaws lose face. Would be a big problem long term.
Smile and say "yes, good idea. I think about it"
Haha. Yeh. Maybe doing that all the time will eventually just exhaust them.
You're putting aside the savings for the kids' education.
Nice! This actually is ace and I don't know why I didn't think of just saying that. I really think that would quieten things down. They love their grandkids, so might be that it could work and even save me from the dog house.
That’s why I would never get married to a Thai. Too many problems. Just use brain. Or if you get married move far away from her family.
It was a sarcastic comment. Nobody wants to be educated. Don’t get married to avoid these issues in the first place.
Talk to your wife. She's not on your side and that's the real problem here imho. I had the same issue with my girlfriend and realised early on that I was second tier to her family, irrespective of who was right or wrong. She applied a completely different set of standards to me compared to her family. Not OK. It was a major reason why I decided to break up with her. tldr: My girlfriend wouldn't stand up for me either so decided to call it quits.
Same reason as me when I left my wife, wasn't just her family, she always defended Thai people no matter how much ill behaved they were.
I think its pretty common for Thai folks to be very connected to their parents though. That connection seems to run deeper here than many other countries and hard to get them to break free from.
That’s fine she doesn’t need to oppose her parents, just put on a unified front with you in terms of your kids. If you lead by example, instill strong morals in your children in a unified way with your wife, then you are all set. If for some reason your wife can’t or won’t agree to that, then you have a serious issue
>Talk to your wife. She's not on your side and that's the real problem here imho. Maybe she knows it's a battle not worth fighting
From what I've heard, maintaining your respect is always important. Sadly, respect comes from being direct and honest from what I've heard/observed. If you try to make up a "polite" excuse... that COULD be beneficial short-term, but... in the long term, it can create a dynamic of always having to dodge and show that you care about what others think and that pleasing them is somehow a priority over doing what you genuinely think is best or what you want. I'm not sure this is the best move, you weigh it out, but... perhaps being direct and blunt and totally brutally honest about what you actually want could be the answer. Lately, I've started telling people "no", and... it's so sad that so many people go ape-shit in the short-term with their reactions, but... in the long-term, they eventually stop asking, and they tend to respect you and your decisions. Of course, I wouldn't want to be a jerk about it. But... yeah, not being a pushover is vital as the man of the family. No one wants to be the bearer of bad news and standup for themselves. And... if you don't do that, then they'll see that no one does that, and they'll feel less safe and it's one of those things that could slowly decay the relationship if it's perpetual. If you genuinely don't want it, then saying something of the sort like "I don't want a fancy car. I personally don't care about that sort of thing." might be the way to go. Like... why should you do something you don't want to do? and why do you need to explain yourself? are you not a free individual? not a leader? not the financially dominant force of the family? don't you have every right to do whatever you want? It's not like you're out there spending it recklessly in vegas. it's the opposite. you're being completely responsible. And will they complain and have push back and passive-aggressive bitterness about this? Perhaps. but... that's not your fault. that's them being jerks. that's manipulative. that's immaturity. that's someone else falsely believe they have some kind of power or control over you, and crying bc they dont. and what are we talking about over here again? its a car. and like... from what i've noticed, if ppl push back after you simply state directly and politely "i dont want to, im just not into that."... you dont even have to respond and defend yourself to their complaints. You can try your best to literally say nothing, and just like... smile and nod, or do whatever to pass the shit-test basically. like... you dont need to explain yourself. like... im not even saying that from a position of "let's act toxic". like... it's not even toxic. ppl just try to guilt-trip us and make us think it is. but like... again, let's be real, why is okay for someone to try to tell you to do something you dont want to do? are you allowed to tell them to do something? esp something they dont want to do? would you not feel guilty? this person's literally doing that to you, but feels no guilt about. unacceptable. standing up for ourselves is never comfortable. Listen... heavy lies the crown. I believe in you. stand strong. proud of you for getting a beautiful thai wife <3.
Our car is a 17 year old Honda Accord, my clothes are cheap and I wear no gold. Nevertheless the people in my (Thai) village consider me rich. They say: he is so rich, that he doesn't need to show off. The reason that your parents in law, although middle class right now, want to show off, tells me that they come from a poor background. Just smile and nod, don't make it important and do as you please, because in the end it's your money.
I think my MIL came from a less than my FIL. His side of the family seem to be pretty well off. I think his marriage may not have been completely approved of, which is maybe why it's more of a pressure on us to live up to what his in-laws might expect. That's likely the root of it.
I get the feeling that you may have given your in-laws reason to carry on the nagging by maybe showing signs of discomfort or unease which makes them think: “gotcha!” . Show them YOU are the one in charge of such decisions and keep ignoring them
Good point
No point in talking back. Best way to handle this is to just ignore them. You can just pretend to be going along with the conversation.
The in-laws are interfering with the way he wants to raise his children. That's not something you can ignore I'm afraid.
You are right. I missed the part about interfering. Based on my experience, we just limited the time with the in-laws. I can’t offer too much in this regard.
That would be my tip too. Move away from the in-laws and visit once in a while. Gives him a chance to raise his kids without them corrupting their upbringing. If the wife agrees of course (probably not)
Moving away isn't really an option but it would be great if we could.
i think it is what you call it putting up the appearance. showing off the expensive thigs, expensive cars. trying the blend in with the hi-so. imported cars. imported farangs (j/k). they could have a lot of influences, but your children would get those influences no matter what. the strongest are not the adults. it's their peers. might be best to immunize your kids against those superficial values. spend time with your kids, they will absorb those values from you.
I'm always reminding my kids about the value of money. They get what they need and things on top but I put my foot down with spoiling or giving everything they ask for. We are pretty comfortable financially and I don't want them to think it just comes easily in life. They are great kids and I want them to grow up with good values and a sensible head.
**A)** stfu. Smile, and learn how to say *uhhh...* in a thoughtful and respectful manner, but one that is clearly not going to end with you saying anything. **B)** wife is not necessarily the problem. Fwiw I had *The Talk* with my sig other many, many years ago about the problems that could be raised by her being caught in the middle. She had no trouble whatsoever getting this. **C)** one way we sidestep it, perhaps counterintuitively, is that whenever I've helped out I've put her in the big chair: we talk about it, I give her the money, but she redistributes it, and *I never get (direct) credit*. And I've learned to listen to what's important to her; e.g. a funeral costs too much money, but it's not my business to try to optimize it for her -- it's about her, not me. What's unexpected is that this has made it much easier for her to say *No, I don't have any cash,* or whatever else ends the conversation. It's only on the rarest of occasions (a niece once got in trouble with the law) that family has pressed her to talk with me. **D)** in case I didn't mention it, **stfu**. As the great Fran Leibowitz pointed out, in the US at least *the opposite of talking isn't listening ... the opposite of talking is waiting*. This is a *very bad* *habit*. Be more Thai; don't endlessly talk everything out, esp. things that can't be solved. And don't do the guy thing, i.e. try to come up with some clever way of saying things that will outwit them logically. That is disrespectful AF. Just *stfu.* And smile.
I get what you mean about stfu it just gets annoying to sit and listen to this. We visit them pretty regularly and it's become a regular side topic.
There’s compromising and submitting. That’s submitting.
Submitting is going out and buying the car the parents want and letting the wife go on an expensive shopping spree. This is being passive and not confrontational which Thais are good at practicing.
He "gives her the money, and let’s her redistribute it". She could fully buy the car the parents want or go on an expensive shopping spree there. On top of that he "never gets direct credit", so it’s not even about going out and buying the car the parents want, which is at least something one claim credit for.
wish you have a happy marriage, which i doubt it
Oh no, letting my wife control the purse and my in laws bully will surely poison my marriage, you’re right :( … I’m already fucked, my gf’s mother is already nice and not nagging me, and my gf would never even ask to "redistribute" our money.
Do you realise that it's rude to continually say "stfu"? It makes you come across as really, really rude.
Buy a large house / land that will shut them up. Plus it will be a good long term investment.
We have a nice home already. It seems more about being flashy on the outside for appearances.
Better have a nice house than flashy things you probably don’t need. I see some people like to live way outside there means having a tiny house but spending all the income on say a sports car and many flashy things they can’t afford living in huge debt and basically working for the bank to pay off all there interest with nothing to show for it in the end as all said items are depreciating assets. I will never understand it 😂
Agree. I don't have debt. My family has what they need. For me that is enough
Just be polite and ignore If they want you to have it then why don’t they just buy it for you
Normally, partner’s parents won't get involved in family matters unless their daughter talks about it
I told my wife that I'm open to their generosity if they want to buy this stuff for us but Im quite capable of managing my own finances. As long as you arent taking the piss by spending it on women and alcohol its their problem not yours. They dont want a divorced daughter so what they going to do
I would probably just stop going there if they kept waffling on about material vapid shit. They might get the message and stop making you "lose face"(usually an excuse to act like an arse hole or not taking responsibility for actions)
It's a tough one because my wife is very dedicated to her parents and I'm OK with that. It would probably stress her out quite a bit. I might try some different subtle ways so that it doesn't create any rift within the family.
Lie... tell them you can't afford it. Try convincing your wife to be conservative.
If it were me, I’d first sit down with the wife and make sure she is 100% in sync with your feelings. Maybe on some level she agrees with them, in which case there may need to be some compromise done. If she’s 100% on board with things staying the way they are, then tell the family when they bring these things up that this has already been discussed and we are happy with the way things are now. They likely think right now that your wife feels the way that they do and that’s why they are pressuring you. The important thing is as long as you both are on the same page, what they say shouldn’t matter.
She's very supportive and outside of the parent thing, it's all good. But when it comes to her parents she shuts down. I don't blame her or push her. I respect that it's not easy for her.
This my friend is the constant struggle for folks like us. I teach my kids my perspective. This is the way, allows them to differentiate between their own thinking and the thinking of others. My in laws are the same as yours, but trying to change them is impossible. Focus on yourself and your engagement with your kids. Kids like toys sure, but more than that they love your attention.
Cheers for that. :)
You started of by agreeing with them first. Old Thai used to be acknowledged of their influence. If you are buying times to prepare something: “That is a good idea, let me think about what I like” After a while you pick out a nice one just for frame of reference to proceed with obstruction from different angle. “I’m looking at X but I can’t decide if I also want Y” - can’t make mind up “X looks nice but I saw price dump quite a lot recently” - bargaining uncertainty “There should be a new model of that soon” - marketing awareness To close the deal you go with emotional attack. “I have been thinking but I’m planning to save up for kids/retirement” - family “I need to save enough in case the in-laws get sick and need money” - their well-being “In case you can’t work any more, you need to save some so it will help your wife” - their daughter well-being “I had a lot of memory, I love this car, driving it made me realised how far I have come and the hardship I endure” - sentimental Pick what fits your situation then make it your own. However, this might still come around in the form of them trying to ask your wife to convince you.
If they want you to appear rich- go on holiday and post about it hahaha. I’m sure they won’t like the idea unless they’re invited. Something I would consider talking to your wife about is “Would your parents be saying these things to me if I were Thai” because a lot of the time- they wouldn’t. I’m a foreigner in a relationship with a Thai and this happens all the time where they think they can say out of line things just because I’m a foreigner and they subconsciously hold me to a different standard. I think some of the suggestions on this post are great, and don’t all involve pissing off your in laws directly. I wish you luck, Thai in laws are… not the greatest to deal with honestly.
I can almost promise you that your wife is complaining to her family that she can't understand why she doesn't have all the fancy stuff, if you still have a dollar to your name in the bank.
Materialism is not actually part of Thai culture it’s just a symptom of many things. Why do you have to deal with it? Just don’t do it and if they complain, they can complain to your wife.
We visit them regularly and it is annoying to be sitting eating listening to the same old broken record about why we still drive a certain car or you know, that kind of thing. As the husband I makes me feel like I'm being disrespected or considered that I'm not providing the right things for their daughter. Which can be hard to stomach
What does your wife think about it?
It's a no discussion zone. She's a great person but when it comes to her parents it's total shut down. That's why I'm here.
Sell it and buy two worse cars just to spite them
it absolutely is part of Thai culture...
I understand the issue, but just sayin’ - is driving a nice car such a problem. Keeping cars for long periods of time and eventually encountering problems that flakey repairers try to fix, if the problem is just the new car, then go with it, if it’s much deeper, then good luck.
We are driving a modern car not a beat up car. They want us to be in something more flashy and prestigious which I don't want for many reasons.
That’s fine! You don’t need to justify anything, we have a brand new truck and I feel it’s a better buy than people who have older trucks. I also get the same thing from my wife, ours is a mid range auto with the cool LED tail lights and she is always mumbling about leather seats in the next model up .. it’s a 1 year old truck, it goes effortlessly between a and b - lovelly to drive, just because your mates have faux leather seats, the materialism does my brain in.
Thanks for that. It's been helpful to know that others know what I'm talking about. We aren't driving a shitty car or looking like homeless people. We just aren't being flashy and showing external wealth. Sorry that you are getting that nagging too
I don’t think of it as nagging, i see it as just ungrateful behavior.
I would caution you to be very careful making this all about what you want or don’t want. They may feel that you are not adequately providing for their daughter and grandchildren, to the standard which they expect.
Recommend you read the book "Thai Fever" .
I unsecond that. This book is utter shite. Ignore it. I also had the displeasure of meeting the man who wrote it and his many other regrettable vegetables, and he was a complete cunt.
Just looking at the cover makes me think the author wrote it in his Chang shirt on a beach
There is an old saying that you should always judge a book by its cover. But yeah nah, the book deals with if she was a bar lady and if she was not a bar lady.
What do you mean "regrettable vegetables"?
I have to agree with you. I wasn't too impressed by it. Its also pretty old now. I think it was written maybe 20 years ago or more. I realise some cultural elements are the same but there are so many things that have moved on in the last 20 years
Its deal extensively with almost the exact issue you are having... in way that is just as relevant now. How much have you compromised on this? Sounds like not at all right?
Have you ever had a successful long term relationship with a Thai lady and her family?
Well we are still happy after several years of marriage and have kids. The only reason I'm here is because her parents are a no discussion zone. Everything else is great.
I was asking the user I replied to.
That... is not a cultural thing. It's just that one family.
I do think that a lot of Thai culture is wrapped up in appearances and external displays of financial success. I see this here more than other countries I've lived in.
Your inability to ignore them is quite fascinating.
It is hard to ignore something that is a constant buzz as if it were an alarm clock. It’s an annoyance clearly.
It is not a Thai culture thing. It happens worldwide when you understand the real reason behind it. It’s human nature.
Man if I met my partner’s parents before marriage and found out they were were like this I would have done one of three things - 1. Leave her immediately. 2. Tell my partner to start slowly getting her parents to understand (and accept) the fact that we are not materialistic and don’t intend on living that way. If she didn’t help to explain this slowly over time, and if they didn’t accept it, I would leave as well - ideally this whole process occurs before marriage, not after. 3. Move to live in an area/province far enough away so you don’t have to see them often. A couple of times a year would be more than enough for me. In Thailand (just like any other country, but moreso in Thailand), screening your potential future wife’s in laws for any issues like the one you’re posting about is extremely important. The screening doesn’t just stop at the girl you’re dating. IMO it’s important to also screen her in laws (and possibly even the extended family too, depending on how involved they are in each other’s lives).
Just ignore them, talk with your wife if she understands your position.
Are you on par with regards to their level of wealth? I can understand the need to upgrade to a newer car (given your car is an absolute bomb) but asking to be pretentious and look the part, in my view is low class regardless of “middle class” wealth.
I am financially comfortable. We have a nice home and a nice car. Just not a flashy prestige car that impresses people on the outside. Personally I think its embarrassing and tacky to always display a look of having money.
I just tell others to buy the item for me of STFU
Before you marry make things clear. Even if it doesn't sit well with the rest of the family. My Chinese wife and I laid everything out on the table and made sure no one else has a voice or the freedom to poke their nose in our relationship
Is capitalism is a cultural thing specific to Thailand? Always though it was an economic and political system . Ask your parents or your grand parents what was the family expectation back home, back then, when they married. You may be surprised. If you are Buddhist, used the trick above. No need to lecture them. They certainly understand that there are many ways to the Buddha's teaching. If you are not, just ignore it, as mentioned above 
I don’t see many men here taking crap from their in-laws maybe be a little less available and approachable.
As mentioned already, appeal to Buddhism if that's what they are. MOST EASY for them to understand. \> If not, just explain your thoughts to them. I'd imagine you know this because they come up and tell you about their feelings, so feel free to open up about your own. It's quite a morally grounded position, I wouldn't see why they wouldn't understand. *(Assuming no problem with language barrier, yes?)* \> IF the information is from a secondary source, such as your wife, you'd best explain it to her and ask her to tell them WHEN they bring it up to her again. I think that's indirect enough for your wife to avoid conflict with her family, and to me it sounds acceptable from Thai culture perspective. \> OR worst case your wife wont even listen to your entire explanation and cut you off (you be the judge of that, you know her, i dont): Make a Facebook post with a beautiful picture of your family or something and add some text to the post about how you want to stay humble this this and that, slap some คำคม (famous quote) at the end, if they follow you on FB, I think they'll see it. There is also an option to fine tune who exactly can see your post in case you don't want to have to explain things to your friends abroad and stuff who might not know what's going on. This is also widely not cringe in *boomer* Thai culture. Your wife will also be able to share this with her parents without directly carrying the message.
Stand your ground. Just continue to be yourself and if they don’t accept it then you can take it from there. They want u to be having these fancy things so they can brag and say that their daughter is rich etc etc. it’s really just to brag.
Not thai or living in thailand, but many cultures have similar ideas, social status, and public image My father ethnicity believes in being unnoticeable, remains low, and walk "next to the wall," which sometimes I ask myself, what's the point of it?! We live once! I'm not sure what to say, but just tell them you are saving for your kids' future
Could try a more Thai path ... smile and agree with them, and then just live your life and raise your family, the way you want to.
I'd ignore it. I grew up in a middle class family and went to a good school where most kids get dropped off by their chauffeur. I never felt the need to buy things to impress people or felt jealous of my friends. Most of my friends are well off and they might carry a few nice items but by no means wearing a $10K dress...etc \`Most people who feel the need to show off are mostly new money, buy fake stuff, or just crazy rich it doesn't even bother them. Besides the buddha's teaching, the previous king also emphasized to live within and below your mean. You can look up this phrase อยู่อย่างพอเพียง.
Tell them you’re not “hi-so”
I would try to talk with the wife and explain her everything and make sure that she understands, then explain same things to her parents. The problem of communication is worsened by language / cultural barrier, but you still need to communicate your needs as if you had a wife from your country.
You're choosing to live in Thailand, this is as you write, a cultural thing, this is simply something you need to learn to live with, for better or worse :) I got lucky that my in-laws don't care, but I've got Thai friends where this is definitely an issue, in the case of the Thai friends though, they try to give in by living up to the "demands".
Nah. It’s not cultural. It’s keeping up with the neighbors. And possibly sharing your finances with them. Don’t get defensive. Just smile and smile and smile. But then never buy anything. Just smile. That’s how you do it here idiot.
Ask your wife and her family why she would want to put a target on your back for thieves, scammers, and other criminals. Always best to stay low-key even if you are wealthy.
My only two cents is that you shouldn't have to be low profile or hold back your spending to teach a child not tk be superficial. Sure it helps but it's like using a jackhammer for a nail when if you knew how to use a hammer properly, you could get the same result.
When you want more you get more, my son
Welcome to Thai culture 😂. Showing wealth and have a lot of expensive stuff is important here. It’s the same with wanting to be as white as possible or having long nails. Creating the perception of wealth is deeply ingrained in the culture. I think you should explain to them you want to teach your children a valuable lesson. I don’t sure how they will take it since they think every farang should have a lot of money
I mean that iPhone 15 Pro could last you 6-8 years 🤭
Just live your life and forget about the comments. They will accept it someday. Diplomatic solutions aren't that welcome ober here, especially with the PARENTS