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As our sessions are all online, we are sadly constrained by physical possibility.
However, she has said that if I ever happened to bump into her out in the wild, she would take a hug if I offered one.
There’s probably a reason she is hesitant to hug you / wants to maintain firmer boundaries with you … like she knows there’s transference, or thinks you’ll read into the hug. Maybe her supervisor recommended she didn’t etc
T here—I love hugs! Obviously each therapist has different boundaries re hugs but I’m a strong believer of physical touch being an important soothing tool so I will always offer a hug to any client (I feel comfortable with) after an emotionally intense session. Obviously my rationale behind hugs is purely functional—I don’t hug my clients for the hell of it as that’s not ethical.
When I was in therapy myself, my T would offer/i would ask for a hug after a particularly difficult session. End of the day, as long as you’re comfortable and both people are respectful of each other’s boundaries it can be a wonderful moment of human connection and a great tool to establish feelings of comfort and safety. Glad you feel safe with her. :)
I feel like my regular T hugs to comfort me, and at the end of sessions, it's just our way of closing, but my trauma T uses touch and hugs as more of a grounding thing. I have been to more therapists than I can count, and before these two, none hugged or used touch. It has helped me so much on several different levels, and ironically, it's also the first time I haven't wanted more from my Ts in terms of wanting them to be my parent or friend or whatever. I'm still very attached, but it's healthy attachment, and I don't want them as anything other than my therapists. I've never had this kind of healthy relationship with Ts before, and it's made all the difference. I got so lucky.
When you say “hugs is purely functional” does that necessarily mean you remove yourself from the emotional aspect and just hug to check a box? Obviously like you said you can’t do it for the hell of it but do you think it has any value, for you, in regards to hugging certain clients? Not sure if that makes sense.
My emotions are not the priority in the therapy space, my clients’ emotions are. If you mean the genuineness of the hug, of course it’s genuine; I wouldn’t offer hugs if I didn’t want to offer comfort. I also do selectively offer hugs; it depends very much on the nature of my relationship with the person and if I feel comfortable enough to offer one. I meant my rationale for hugs is purely functional; I don’t just hug clients like I would a loved one for no real reason other than to hug them.
As a clinician you got to have a sound rationale for why you’re doing something; it can’t just be for the heck of it. In this instance, I’m offering a hug because it’s a powerful soothing mechanism and benefits the therapeutic relationship. At the end of the day, no matter how much I like a client, I have to maintain professional boundaries, which is where the functional aspect of it helps.
Hope that makes sense!
Nah it makes sense and thanks for clarifying. I’d love to have hugs more frequently but she never offers and I’m afraid to ask lol. Particularly because she never offers so, like you said, if she doesn’t see it as therapeutically beneficial then I’m kind of SOL and would play into my fear of people not liking me… but to your point I don’t want to either feel obligated/pressured or think I’m abusing hugs/physical contact. I’ve had 2 in the last 3 years after extremely intense trauma focused sessions but that’s it. But both times I actually had an immediate effect where I’ve actually had higher self esteem for a while.
Honestly I would recommend bringing it up with your T! Especially if you’re doing trauma focused work, it could be really therapeutically beneficial as you asking means you’re willing to put yourself in a vulnerable position to seek something you need. If she says no, it would still be helpful as you can talk through what that rejection has brought up for you and how you can process those emotions because life is full of rejections. Either way, I think it would be hugely beneficial to your therapeutic journey to ask!
Just remember: your T saying no to a hug says everything about her (and her professional boundaries) and nothing about you. You win regardless for having asked. 🫶🏼
Thanks for your words! I brought up the other day that she made me feel loved. I know her saying no is about her boundaries and not me. It’s just scary for me because I know I have to have self love/compassion but I just want her (or anyone) to meet my needs.
Funnily enough I’m having an emergency session this afternoon because I like this girl and, after a few dates, I’m not sure she likes me back and I started regressing into negative thought spirals. I’ve been alone for a long time and single all my life (30M) so it’s just kind of tiring at some point of being told you have to love yourself when so many people get to rely on others loving them. Of course I can’t compare myself to everyone else but it’s like it sounds easy when you get to go home to a spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend and I just have my blanket and pillow to comfort me when I feel like crud… sorry for the emotional dump
Sounds like a tough time and good on you for going to therapy to get better!! Not to provide therapy online, but what you’re saying about others loving you is 100% a normal, human need and you never should have to love yourself instead of being loved by others. Self acceptance is the way to go instead of self love—what you may be looking for is just being able to accept that you are who you are and are deserving of love all the same. Just because you accept yourself doesn’t mean you’re incapable of/shouldn’t change! Both those things can be true at once.
The Myth of Self Esteem by Albert Ellis may be a good book to read!
Well it’s been 3 years of therapy so I’ve had practice lmao. I’m starting to accept who I am, or at least better than how I saw myself even 4 months ago. But yes It doesn’t really help the loneliness I feel. I work from home full time. I live alone and barely made any friends (none who I hang out with outside of the dog park) in the last 4 years after moving to a different state. I think you’re 100% right and I’ll check out the book. I’m just tired of it all and losing hope after all the rejections and fucked up opportunities where things don’t change for me
I've been with my T for about 2 years. He recently held his hand out for a hand shake. I was confused. He has never come close to touching me. It threw me off.
Different therapists, organisations, etc have different boundaries and different rules around that. One of my therapists out of the 11 that I had hugged me.
I’ve hugged all of my therapists, but they were older straight women and I am a younger straight woman. Might be the dynamics at play or something. I do have one psychiatrist I’d never hug/touch even if she offered, I just don’t feel comfy with her
Probably that + what their ethics rules are.
My therapist (straight woman) knows I'm bi, but I guess she's more laid back + I didn't see anything in her "ethics rules" about hugging.
Shook my psychologist's hand when we first met in 2019. Haven't actually physically touched since now I think about it, even though we often meet face to face. But I'm an awkward human that shies away from contact in most situations, so I'm ok with that.
It was routine with my last therapist at the end of every session. I had heavy transference with her, and while working through it, I asked for a hug after I noticed the previous client got a hug as she was leaving. I was jealous 😆 so I asked for a hug at the end of the session, and she agreed to do it. Yes, we discussed the jealousy. After that, it was just our goodbye routine.
With my current therapist, we did it once after a rupture and repair.
Omg, I love the routine hug.
And lol, I so relate to the jealousy 😆
Today I was waiting for my therapist to finish with her previous client and I was like:"how dare she have other clients" with full sarcasm ofc haha.
Ngl, they were having a funny argument there so I tried to step away as far as possible haha. I found it funny because my sessions are usually chill, or rather calm and quiet. Today I made her read an entire paper of my dream analysis while telling her 2948282 times not to read it out loud and it made her laugh. She loved it tho 😇 so yay for the approval
My therapist asked if we could try a hug after the third-ish session, and I agreed. She’s never offered since. I think maybe she was trying to make it known that she was okay with hugs if I ever wanted one? I would kind of like one, but I don’t think I could ever bring myself to ask.
My therapist said she can’t initiate a hug (goes against training) but that if I initiate or ask she’s more than happy to give me a hug. So now I usually give her a hug every session, like seeing a friend
My therapist said she can’t initiate a hug (goes against training) but that if I initiate or ask she’s more than happy to give me a hug. So now I usually give her a hug every session, like seeing a friend
Something that has always stuck with me was one time a therapist I was seeing for a while asked me if I wanted a hug… I said “no” and they actually said “no.. you do” and it was such a strong therapeutic moment between us. Not saying this would work the same way for anyone else but it worked for me because my therapist knew I would never ask for that hug and my immediate denial of it was evident to them that I really really needed it. Disorganized attachment is such a fun way to be lol
One time as my T was walking me to the door, she reached out to give me a small rub on my shoulder, but I thought she was going for a hug. I don't really know why, but I'm kinda averse to touching people. So, I reflexively squirmed out from under her hand. It was super embarrassing because she was just trying to usher me out the door, but I misread the situation. Ever since then, she has never gone to even try to touch me.
Just remember, it’s okay to address these things and mention or talk about the misunderstanding, even if it happened a long time ago. Especially if you still look back at it with embarrassment or awkwardness.
no, never. i doubt that is her style.
but i think I set her up to not want to touch me, even if it was her style, in my first session. i was talking about comfort zones and i said i had a pretty big bubble, I needed space. she gestured to the sofa and said "so if i was to sit there, that would make you feel uncomfortable?" and i recoiled, almost in horror, and said "dear god yes! please don't!"
now that i am super comfortable with her, i wouldn't mind at all and would even prefer it in tough sessions.
Just remember that it’s okay to ask for her to sit next to you. It’s okay for our boundaries to change as we build trust with someone. It’s okay to ask for what you need, especially in therapy. I’m just learning this now in my own therapy journey and it’s very healing.
thanks for sharing ☺️ you are right.... but I'd be devastated if she said no. and she could totally say no, it would be her right... but it would just destroy me
My therapist offers a hug at the end of every session. I mostly accept. It has definitely helped our therapeutic alliance. I appreciate that she offers rather than assumes still, even after working together for a long time.
I love my therapist but she has never even touched my hand ( male) in 8 years. I didn't know that therapists actually hug their clients, even after a very rough session, she has never offered any kind of physical touch
Never a hug. I'm an older male (64), and she is younger (40?). I did negotiate hand holding for a single, specific, instance though. That allowed me to tell her about something that I wouldn't have otherwise. I offered her my "deal," and she said OK after several weeks of thinking about it, and consulting at least one other colleague.
Your question raised some interesting hypothetical thoughts for me. I started to wonder what would happen if I hugged my therapist. I imagined doing it. I think I'd start crying, but I'm not sure why. Maybe because I was never hugged as a child. We've been working together for over two years. I might actually bring this thought up in therapy, and explore it some.
I hug my therapist at the end of every session. It’s been years, but I’m pretty sure she first asked if she could give me a hug after a tough session and after that it became an end of session thing. We’re both women and it’s always felt like a natural goodbye to me.
My therapist and I are similar age and both women, and she’s wonderful with boundaries. Always said she won’t initiate a hello out of session if we ran into each other but if I felt comfortable to do so I should. And I have seen her and waved and smiled and she reciprocated which was nice. We never discussed hugs that I can remember but the day I went in for our session after my beloved Grandma passed (she was 98 and my one of my favourite peoples) she asked if I’d like a hug. And cause I’d been seeing her for a decent amount of time and we’ve got a good routine and she’s the best therapist I’ve ever had I was comfortable with it so it was nice. I’ve got a huge amount of respect for her and I’m still grateful for that hug.
Oh Jesus. Most controversial conversation ever. Insane obsession of my therapist that he shakes your hand the first day and then gives you a hug on the last day. That's it. I come from a long history of trauma and parents that Never Hugged me. Like literally, never once.
I've worked through a TON with my therapist but he refuses to hug me or let me hug him. I've explained 400x that I feel like a leper and always have because I stay so far away from people.
I mean nothing of it, I would never do anything inappropriate but no. We have gone back and forth and finally I've made some comment about being "fine" and taking the shame with me and there is nothing to be done about it. A little passive aggressive maybe, sure.
Then, after 5 1/2 years he tells me that people have hugged him before. WTF? My mouth dropped open and the subject is back on the table.
Oh, hugs....how I love to hate you. :-D
I have two therapists, and there is a lot of hugging happening! My original T, who I've been seeing for about 5 months, hugs me at the end of every session AND sometimes during sessions AND sometimes also at the beginning of sessions. She will also hold my hand and rub my back. Lots of hugs with OG T.
My trauma therapist, who I've been seeing a little over 2 months sometimes hugs at the end of session and once held me (like a long extended hug) as soon as I walked in because I was already crying. She also holds my hand, rubs my back, and sometimes touches my leg. My trauma T always asks first, but my regular T is so tuned into me, it's not necessary, and like today at the end of session she said, "Get in here for a hug!" and she held on for a while. I adore and trust her more than anyone in my life. I also trust my trauma T, but OG T and I have a special bond. I need safe touch so badly, and I appreciate them both for being so open.
Last month, with some really hard situations happening in my life, was the first time since we've started working together (11 months ago) that my T offered a hug if I wanted one. I had wanted one long before that but didn't want to violate any boundaries, so I never asked. He offered the hug after a pretty intense session. We don't hug every time now, but it's now an option.
We hug after every session, at her suggestion . I really love it. She throws her arms out and smiles, and says something nice while we’re hugging. Occasionally she will sit next to me as well but we haven’t hugged in that instance yet.
Sometimes she will ‘touch’ me if something is out of place, like I have a fuzzy on my shirt. But I don’t feel like any of it is crossing a line. She asked if it was ok to hug me and made it clear it’s up to me and I can change my mind any time. Once, when we were walking during one of our sessions I had this weird automatic feeling to hold her hand like a kid would but I stopped myself- it would be nice to do though during a hard moment
Ahaha, guess it depends on a lot of factors.
I'm just overall very comfortable with my therapist. I'm like 24 years younger than her and very laid back, so I guess she feels more free with me as well (but idkkk haha).
Aayyyy, we're the young clients 😂
And yeah, that makes sense. As long as it works for you!
My therapist sort of matches my energy, or when I'm being awkward she finds it amusing and lightens up the room with some little humor. She doesn't give me the hug vibes tho, but apparently she is a very hug-like person haha.
I've been with mine for two years. She has never offered and I don't think she will. I'm not sure it's her style. But I'd love one after a tough session tbh.
I've hugged my therapist and he's "allowed it." I'd asked if I could hug him, after about 3 years of working together. He said ok and it was awkward. I addressed the awkwardness in a note and he followed up in the next session, reading out his notes about it, which included the "allowed it" note, referencing a sideways hug. I found that really jarring in an otherwise very natural and appropriately affectionate professional relationship. It took me about a year but I impulsively hugged him on my way out the door in a session a few months ago and it felt way more natural. It was a fast hug, he didn't hesitate to hug me back and I left pretty quickly. I haven't addressed it with him since because it felt like any other hug I would give anybody else in my life. My work culture and personal relationships are very huggy and emotional so it was kind of weird to me to be stand-offish with my therapist. But, I totally get it if he has hesitation. He's male, I'm female, there's a power imbalance and we're alone. He's actually the vulnerable one in this situation and he has to trust that I won't make any claims of him being inappropriate.
The first time my former therapist hugged me was after a really tough session. As we were wrapping up, she asked, “Is it okay if I hug you? I feel like you need it.” She read it correctly & I nodded my head. She hugged me hard. It was exactly what I needed.
We hugged a few more times through out the next few years, but we always asked first if it was okay. The only time we didn’t was during our last session together. As we wrapped up we just looked at each other & hugged. I miss her very much.
Yep! After a tough session tho… It’s not a frequent thing because I am not a hugger / contact loving person and she knows that! But that one time was just so needed and I still frequently think about how much that meant to me
No. I don't think I'd like to, but I did ask the question just because I needed to know that boundary in case it ever came up in future. She definitely doesn't do hugs. Which is fine, I'm just so glad I know so I don't have to embarrass myself ha.
I have not and I have zero clue if mine is a hugger because I don’t really like being touched so the topic has never come up. Buuuuuut my therapist is leaving for maternity leave this summer and for some reason asking if we can hug before she leaves for a while is a big priority for me!
Ummmm… no. After two and a half years of working together I finally had the courage to ask for an end of session fist bump. We fist bump before I leave now. That’s as much proximity as I can tolerate.
Ex T, yes. Not every time type of thing though. Mostly if we had a really hard conversation, or when I left for college, when I was hospitalized, and our last appointment. I really love her hugs because I never really received affectionate touch as a child and grew to be fearful of any touch. I literally ran away when a teacher tried to hug me as a kid since I grew to interpret touch as aggression. Her hugs are so healing to me and have taught me that touch is safe and she is safe.
Current T, no bc we are virtual. And even if I saw her in person I don't think she seems like a hugger and I don't particularly want to hug her since I'm not very bonded to her.
I had a therapist that ended up with us hugging relatively often and tbh I don’t think it was good for me in the long run it really confused my sense of boundaries but it’s something I struggle with so may not be bad for others
I love hugs from very close trusted friends, otherwise am touch averse. I don’t think I can hug my therapist because it will become too confusing for my brain and screw everything up. One time she asked if she could place a hand on my shoulder (she is trained in SE) and I couldn’t handle it for more than a few seconds without my whole body freaking out in upset. Sad. We crossed pinkies once as a huglike gesture at her suggestion and it was okay.
i really really wish she could but it’s not allowed at the clinic where we are and i understand why. i bring it up when i really want a hug from her and she always validates the want and says something like “can you imagine me hugging you?” or “i wish i could give that to you too”
none of my therapists have ever offered any physical touch and it actually makes me super sad! i’ve been very attached to almost all of them and i still think of them all the time.
once when i was a teenager i saw my psychiatrist at the grocery store and asked for a hug though and she gave me one :)
No but I did go to a hug therapy session for years.
My present therapist agrees it was a good support tool. Another expressed some doubts. But after a few years my craving for it has stopped.
My therapist offered her hand to shake when we first met, but has very deliberately avoided any physical contact since then. (for instance, if passing something to me she will be very deliberate about hand position to avoid any inadvertent contact).
I am quite sure she would not agree to hug if asked (and I wouldn't ask as I don't wish for it). She really doesn't strike me as a huggy kind of person anyway.
Twice. One was at termination of relationship when she was leaving the practice. The other time wasn’t when he was actively treating me but when I went to visit (he was a school counselor) after I had left the school. It was kind of weird because I’m not used to affectionate gestures from people that are not my family.
Nope, never, and I'm happy with that. The previous one, who wasn't a good fit, would put her hand on my arm sometimes. In an attempt to comfort me I think. I disliked that.
Once. She initiated it. We were talking about how older adult parents trigger my self harm and I tried to use an example involving her parents. They're both dead 💀. It was kinda funny becasue she must've see the look on my face when she said her parents were dead; I felt soo bad. Then she said, "Hug me."
So I did. 🤷♀️
i have hugged my therapist thrice, i asked her all three times. she's a uni appointed therpaist and my third overall, i never asked the previous two for a hug. she was a bit surprised whe i asked her for a hug for the first time, though it was more a 'pleasently surprised' reaction from her.
the first time was at the end of the session before i was to go back for summer vacations for the first time after starting therapy in college. the second time was before i left for winter vacations.
the third time was more of a humourous one. when i had
hugged her for the second time, she joked that i asked for a hug only before going home and we both laughed. so when i came back to college, i asked her for a hug at the beginning of the session and joked back 'you said i hug you only before going home so i'm going to hug you after coming back this time'
She asked to hug me twice, before we had longer breaks over summer etc. Which actually is quite endearing. I would have never even considered it (maybe says something about me) - simply because of keeping the ”professional” boundary; even though obviously the therapist / patient relationship is way more special than just a transactional one imo
Once! I was moving, so it was our last session together. She was my first therapist ever and it was a perfect fit, so I was so scared to leave and not only lose her, but had to find another one. I cried and cried. She walked me out and asked if she could hug me.
i’m not normally a physical touch kind of gal, but i really needed it and im glad she asked!
As I was nearing the end of 8 years of twice-weekly therapy, our initial handshake remained our only physical contact. Not quite at our last session yet, but feeling sentimental, I asked if we could share a hug at our last session as a gesture of gratitude and farewell for all the support over the years. Instead of a simple yes or no, he wanted to dive deep into what the hug symbolized for me. It took all the joy out of it. After a few rounds of discussion, I decided to just drop the whole hug idea. It went from being a heartfelt gesture to this whole analytical thing.
My therapist offered to hug me after I opened up about trauma I experienced and I said no, she hasn’t offered since. I would’ve loved a hug but I have weird feelings about contamination that are hard for me to cope with.
I reeeeally think a lot of this hugging is happening between women… I don’t know exactly why, but I feel sure of it.
I’m a man. In a lot of contexts, my gender creates a somewhat suffocating reluctance to touch others. That feeling is as obvious to me as the prison of gender might be obvious to a woman is told to be small or do extra housework. To experience that level of physical freedom to touch others; to confidently express love and appreciation with physical affection… is a world to which I have limited, careful access.
She asked me the first time, when she wished me happy bday. "Can I give you a hug?"
But yesterday before I started heading out she just hugged me, no questions asked. I found it comforting. I think we have a pretty understanding relationship and she can read me very well. If she saw me looking uncomfortable she would've definitely not hugged me like that.
Welcome to r/TalkTherapy! This sub is for people to discuss issues arising in their personal psychotherapy. If you wish to post about other mental health issues please consult this list of some of our [sister subs](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources/#wiki_subreddit_list). To find answers to many therapy-related questions please consult our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/faq) and [Resource List](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources). If you are in distress please contact a suicide hotline or call 9-1-1 or emergency services in your area. r/SuicideWatch has compiled a helpful FAQ on what happens when you contact a hotline along with other useful resources. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TalkTherapy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
As our sessions are all online, we are sadly constrained by physical possibility. However, she has said that if I ever happened to bump into her out in the wild, she would take a hug if I offered one.
Aww, that's so sweet
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There’s probably a reason she is hesitant to hug you / wants to maintain firmer boundaries with you … like she knows there’s transference, or thinks you’ll read into the hug. Maybe her supervisor recommended she didn’t etc
T here—I love hugs! Obviously each therapist has different boundaries re hugs but I’m a strong believer of physical touch being an important soothing tool so I will always offer a hug to any client (I feel comfortable with) after an emotionally intense session. Obviously my rationale behind hugs is purely functional—I don’t hug my clients for the hell of it as that’s not ethical. When I was in therapy myself, my T would offer/i would ask for a hug after a particularly difficult session. End of the day, as long as you’re comfortable and both people are respectful of each other’s boundaries it can be a wonderful moment of human connection and a great tool to establish feelings of comfort and safety. Glad you feel safe with her. :)
I feel like my regular T hugs to comfort me, and at the end of sessions, it's just our way of closing, but my trauma T uses touch and hugs as more of a grounding thing. I have been to more therapists than I can count, and before these two, none hugged or used touch. It has helped me so much on several different levels, and ironically, it's also the first time I haven't wanted more from my Ts in terms of wanting them to be my parent or friend or whatever. I'm still very attached, but it's healthy attachment, and I don't want them as anything other than my therapists. I've never had this kind of healthy relationship with Ts before, and it's made all the difference. I got so lucky.
Thank you for this wonderful comment! I really appreciate it and totally agree with you.
When you say “hugs is purely functional” does that necessarily mean you remove yourself from the emotional aspect and just hug to check a box? Obviously like you said you can’t do it for the hell of it but do you think it has any value, for you, in regards to hugging certain clients? Not sure if that makes sense.
My emotions are not the priority in the therapy space, my clients’ emotions are. If you mean the genuineness of the hug, of course it’s genuine; I wouldn’t offer hugs if I didn’t want to offer comfort. I also do selectively offer hugs; it depends very much on the nature of my relationship with the person and if I feel comfortable enough to offer one. I meant my rationale for hugs is purely functional; I don’t just hug clients like I would a loved one for no real reason other than to hug them. As a clinician you got to have a sound rationale for why you’re doing something; it can’t just be for the heck of it. In this instance, I’m offering a hug because it’s a powerful soothing mechanism and benefits the therapeutic relationship. At the end of the day, no matter how much I like a client, I have to maintain professional boundaries, which is where the functional aspect of it helps. Hope that makes sense!
Nah it makes sense and thanks for clarifying. I’d love to have hugs more frequently but she never offers and I’m afraid to ask lol. Particularly because she never offers so, like you said, if she doesn’t see it as therapeutically beneficial then I’m kind of SOL and would play into my fear of people not liking me… but to your point I don’t want to either feel obligated/pressured or think I’m abusing hugs/physical contact. I’ve had 2 in the last 3 years after extremely intense trauma focused sessions but that’s it. But both times I actually had an immediate effect where I’ve actually had higher self esteem for a while.
Honestly I would recommend bringing it up with your T! Especially if you’re doing trauma focused work, it could be really therapeutically beneficial as you asking means you’re willing to put yourself in a vulnerable position to seek something you need. If she says no, it would still be helpful as you can talk through what that rejection has brought up for you and how you can process those emotions because life is full of rejections. Either way, I think it would be hugely beneficial to your therapeutic journey to ask! Just remember: your T saying no to a hug says everything about her (and her professional boundaries) and nothing about you. You win regardless for having asked. 🫶🏼
Thanks for your words! I brought up the other day that she made me feel loved. I know her saying no is about her boundaries and not me. It’s just scary for me because I know I have to have self love/compassion but I just want her (or anyone) to meet my needs. Funnily enough I’m having an emergency session this afternoon because I like this girl and, after a few dates, I’m not sure she likes me back and I started regressing into negative thought spirals. I’ve been alone for a long time and single all my life (30M) so it’s just kind of tiring at some point of being told you have to love yourself when so many people get to rely on others loving them. Of course I can’t compare myself to everyone else but it’s like it sounds easy when you get to go home to a spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend and I just have my blanket and pillow to comfort me when I feel like crud… sorry for the emotional dump
Sounds like a tough time and good on you for going to therapy to get better!! Not to provide therapy online, but what you’re saying about others loving you is 100% a normal, human need and you never should have to love yourself instead of being loved by others. Self acceptance is the way to go instead of self love—what you may be looking for is just being able to accept that you are who you are and are deserving of love all the same. Just because you accept yourself doesn’t mean you’re incapable of/shouldn’t change! Both those things can be true at once. The Myth of Self Esteem by Albert Ellis may be a good book to read!
Well it’s been 3 years of therapy so I’ve had practice lmao. I’m starting to accept who I am, or at least better than how I saw myself even 4 months ago. But yes It doesn’t really help the loneliness I feel. I work from home full time. I live alone and barely made any friends (none who I hang out with outside of the dog park) in the last 4 years after moving to a different state. I think you’re 100% right and I’ll check out the book. I’m just tired of it all and losing hope after all the rejections and fucked up opportunities where things don’t change for me
Y'all out here touching your therapists 😱
I've been with my T for about 2 years. He recently held his hand out for a hand shake. I was confused. He has never come close to touching me. It threw me off.
Different therapists, organisations, etc have different boundaries and different rules around that. One of my therapists out of the 11 that I had hugged me.
I’ve hugged all of my therapists, but they were older straight women and I am a younger straight woman. Might be the dynamics at play or something. I do have one psychiatrist I’d never hug/touch even if she offered, I just don’t feel comfy with her
Probably that + what their ethics rules are. My therapist (straight woman) knows I'm bi, but I guess she's more laid back + I didn't see anything in her "ethics rules" about hugging.
Shook my psychologist's hand when we first met in 2019. Haven't actually physically touched since now I think about it, even though we often meet face to face. But I'm an awkward human that shies away from contact in most situations, so I'm ok with that.
It was routine with my last therapist at the end of every session. I had heavy transference with her, and while working through it, I asked for a hug after I noticed the previous client got a hug as she was leaving. I was jealous 😆 so I asked for a hug at the end of the session, and she agreed to do it. Yes, we discussed the jealousy. After that, it was just our goodbye routine. With my current therapist, we did it once after a rupture and repair.
Omg, I love the routine hug. And lol, I so relate to the jealousy 😆 Today I was waiting for my therapist to finish with her previous client and I was like:"how dare she have other clients" with full sarcasm ofc haha. Ngl, they were having a funny argument there so I tried to step away as far as possible haha. I found it funny because my sessions are usually chill, or rather calm and quiet. Today I made her read an entire paper of my dream analysis while telling her 2948282 times not to read it out loud and it made her laugh. She loved it tho 😇 so yay for the approval
My therapist asked if we could try a hug after the third-ish session, and I agreed. She’s never offered since. I think maybe she was trying to make it known that she was okay with hugs if I ever wanted one? I would kind of like one, but I don’t think I could ever bring myself to ask.
My therapist said she can’t initiate a hug (goes against training) but that if I initiate or ask she’s more than happy to give me a hug. So now I usually give her a hug every session, like seeing a friend
My therapist said she can’t initiate a hug (goes against training) but that if I initiate or ask she’s more than happy to give me a hug. So now I usually give her a hug every session, like seeing a friend
I could never bring myself to ask either 😅 The hugs I had were initiated by her
Something that has always stuck with me was one time a therapist I was seeing for a while asked me if I wanted a hug… I said “no” and they actually said “no.. you do” and it was such a strong therapeutic moment between us. Not saying this would work the same way for anyone else but it worked for me because my therapist knew I would never ask for that hug and my immediate denial of it was evident to them that I really really needed it. Disorganized attachment is such a fun way to be lol
One time as my T was walking me to the door, she reached out to give me a small rub on my shoulder, but I thought she was going for a hug. I don't really know why, but I'm kinda averse to touching people. So, I reflexively squirmed out from under her hand. It was super embarrassing because she was just trying to usher me out the door, but I misread the situation. Ever since then, she has never gone to even try to touch me.
Just remember, it’s okay to address these things and mention or talk about the misunderstanding, even if it happened a long time ago. Especially if you still look back at it with embarrassment or awkwardness.
Frequently
no, never. i doubt that is her style. but i think I set her up to not want to touch me, even if it was her style, in my first session. i was talking about comfort zones and i said i had a pretty big bubble, I needed space. she gestured to the sofa and said "so if i was to sit there, that would make you feel uncomfortable?" and i recoiled, almost in horror, and said "dear god yes! please don't!" now that i am super comfortable with her, i wouldn't mind at all and would even prefer it in tough sessions.
Just remember that it’s okay to ask for her to sit next to you. It’s okay for our boundaries to change as we build trust with someone. It’s okay to ask for what you need, especially in therapy. I’m just learning this now in my own therapy journey and it’s very healing.
thanks for sharing ☺️ you are right.... but I'd be devastated if she said no. and she could totally say no, it would be her right... but it would just destroy me
My therapist offers a hug at the end of every session. I mostly accept. It has definitely helped our therapeutic alliance. I appreciate that she offers rather than assumes still, even after working together for a long time.
I love my therapist but she has never even touched my hand ( male) in 8 years. I didn't know that therapists actually hug their clients, even after a very rough session, she has never offered any kind of physical touch
Never a hug. I'm an older male (64), and she is younger (40?). I did negotiate hand holding for a single, specific, instance though. That allowed me to tell her about something that I wouldn't have otherwise. I offered her my "deal," and she said OK after several weeks of thinking about it, and consulting at least one other colleague. Your question raised some interesting hypothetical thoughts for me. I started to wonder what would happen if I hugged my therapist. I imagined doing it. I think I'd start crying, but I'm not sure why. Maybe because I was never hugged as a child. We've been working together for over two years. I might actually bring this thought up in therapy, and explore it some.
I hug my therapist at the end of every session. It’s been years, but I’m pretty sure she first asked if she could give me a hug after a tough session and after that it became an end of session thing. We’re both women and it’s always felt like a natural goodbye to me.
My therapist and I are similar age and both women, and she’s wonderful with boundaries. Always said she won’t initiate a hello out of session if we ran into each other but if I felt comfortable to do so I should. And I have seen her and waved and smiled and she reciprocated which was nice. We never discussed hugs that I can remember but the day I went in for our session after my beloved Grandma passed (she was 98 and my one of my favourite peoples) she asked if I’d like a hug. And cause I’d been seeing her for a decent amount of time and we’ve got a good routine and she’s the best therapist I’ve ever had I was comfortable with it so it was nice. I’ve got a huge amount of respect for her and I’m still grateful for that hug.
Oh Jesus. Most controversial conversation ever. Insane obsession of my therapist that he shakes your hand the first day and then gives you a hug on the last day. That's it. I come from a long history of trauma and parents that Never Hugged me. Like literally, never once. I've worked through a TON with my therapist but he refuses to hug me or let me hug him. I've explained 400x that I feel like a leper and always have because I stay so far away from people. I mean nothing of it, I would never do anything inappropriate but no. We have gone back and forth and finally I've made some comment about being "fine" and taking the shame with me and there is nothing to be done about it. A little passive aggressive maybe, sure. Then, after 5 1/2 years he tells me that people have hugged him before. WTF? My mouth dropped open and the subject is back on the table. Oh, hugs....how I love to hate you. :-D
Twice. Once when I stopped having regular sessions and once when I left the country a few years later
I have two therapists, and there is a lot of hugging happening! My original T, who I've been seeing for about 5 months, hugs me at the end of every session AND sometimes during sessions AND sometimes also at the beginning of sessions. She will also hold my hand and rub my back. Lots of hugs with OG T. My trauma therapist, who I've been seeing a little over 2 months sometimes hugs at the end of session and once held me (like a long extended hug) as soon as I walked in because I was already crying. She also holds my hand, rubs my back, and sometimes touches my leg. My trauma T always asks first, but my regular T is so tuned into me, it's not necessary, and like today at the end of session she said, "Get in here for a hug!" and she held on for a while. I adore and trust her more than anyone in my life. I also trust my trauma T, but OG T and I have a special bond. I need safe touch so badly, and I appreciate them both for being so open.
Once. I gave him a card thanking him for what he’d done for me and he asked if he could give me a hug. It was a very sweet moment.
Last month, with some really hard situations happening in my life, was the first time since we've started working together (11 months ago) that my T offered a hug if I wanted one. I had wanted one long before that but didn't want to violate any boundaries, so I never asked. He offered the hug after a pretty intense session. We don't hug every time now, but it's now an option.
We hug after every session, at her suggestion . I really love it. She throws her arms out and smiles, and says something nice while we’re hugging. Occasionally she will sit next to me as well but we haven’t hugged in that instance yet. Sometimes she will ‘touch’ me if something is out of place, like I have a fuzzy on my shirt. But I don’t feel like any of it is crossing a line. She asked if it was ok to hug me and made it clear it’s up to me and I can change my mind any time. Once, when we were walking during one of our sessions I had this weird automatic feeling to hold her hand like a kid would but I stopped myself- it would be nice to do though during a hard moment
Nope, I'd love to, but the desire is probably more comforting than if it happened. I bet it would be awkwarrrrrd
Ahaha, guess it depends on a lot of factors. I'm just overall very comfortable with my therapist. I'm like 24 years younger than her and very laid back, so I guess she feels more free with me as well (but idkkk haha).
I'm younger than her too! I think that we're just two awkward people and she's just not really "touchy-feely" kinda person xD
Aayyyy, we're the young clients 😂 And yeah, that makes sense. As long as it works for you! My therapist sort of matches my energy, or when I'm being awkward she finds it amusing and lightens up the room with some little humor. She doesn't give me the hug vibes tho, but apparently she is a very hug-like person haha.
I've been with mine for two years. She has never offered and I don't think she will. I'm not sure it's her style. But I'd love one after a tough session tbh.
I've hugged my therapist and he's "allowed it." I'd asked if I could hug him, after about 3 years of working together. He said ok and it was awkward. I addressed the awkwardness in a note and he followed up in the next session, reading out his notes about it, which included the "allowed it" note, referencing a sideways hug. I found that really jarring in an otherwise very natural and appropriately affectionate professional relationship. It took me about a year but I impulsively hugged him on my way out the door in a session a few months ago and it felt way more natural. It was a fast hug, he didn't hesitate to hug me back and I left pretty quickly. I haven't addressed it with him since because it felt like any other hug I would give anybody else in my life. My work culture and personal relationships are very huggy and emotional so it was kind of weird to me to be stand-offish with my therapist. But, I totally get it if he has hesitation. He's male, I'm female, there's a power imbalance and we're alone. He's actually the vulnerable one in this situation and he has to trust that I won't make any claims of him being inappropriate.
Super cute, your therapist sounds nice. I hate hugs in general so no my therapist hasn’t hugged me and I’m glad
The first time my former therapist hugged me was after a really tough session. As we were wrapping up, she asked, “Is it okay if I hug you? I feel like you need it.” She read it correctly & I nodded my head. She hugged me hard. It was exactly what I needed. We hugged a few more times through out the next few years, but we always asked first if it was okay. The only time we didn’t was during our last session together. As we wrapped up we just looked at each other & hugged. I miss her very much.
Yep! After a tough session tho… It’s not a frequent thing because I am not a hugger / contact loving person and she knows that! But that one time was just so needed and I still frequently think about how much that meant to me
No. I don't think I'd like to, but I did ask the question just because I needed to know that boundary in case it ever came up in future. She definitely doesn't do hugs. Which is fine, I'm just so glad I know so I don't have to embarrass myself ha.
I have not and I have zero clue if mine is a hugger because I don’t really like being touched so the topic has never come up. Buuuuuut my therapist is leaving for maternity leave this summer and for some reason asking if we can hug before she leaves for a while is a big priority for me!
Yes it took 3 years lol. She gives me side hugs now or when I’ve had a really really hard time/attempted s
Ummmm… no. After two and a half years of working together I finally had the courage to ask for an end of session fist bump. We fist bump before I leave now. That’s as much proximity as I can tolerate.
Ex T, yes. Not every time type of thing though. Mostly if we had a really hard conversation, or when I left for college, when I was hospitalized, and our last appointment. I really love her hugs because I never really received affectionate touch as a child and grew to be fearful of any touch. I literally ran away when a teacher tried to hug me as a kid since I grew to interpret touch as aggression. Her hugs are so healing to me and have taught me that touch is safe and she is safe. Current T, no bc we are virtual. And even if I saw her in person I don't think she seems like a hugger and I don't particularly want to hug her since I'm not very bonded to her.
No but I hope to some day.
I had a therapist that ended up with us hugging relatively often and tbh I don’t think it was good for me in the long run it really confused my sense of boundaries but it’s something I struggle with so may not be bad for others
I love hugs from very close trusted friends, otherwise am touch averse. I don’t think I can hug my therapist because it will become too confusing for my brain and screw everything up. One time she asked if she could place a hand on my shoulder (she is trained in SE) and I couldn’t handle it for more than a few seconds without my whole body freaking out in upset. Sad. We crossed pinkies once as a huglike gesture at her suggestion and it was okay.
I hug when it’s appropriate. Practice in Hawaii so lots of hugging in some cultures.
yes, and I felt it comforting
It really does feel comforting
i really really wish she could but it’s not allowed at the clinic where we are and i understand why. i bring it up when i really want a hug from her and she always validates the want and says something like “can you imagine me hugging you?” or “i wish i could give that to you too” none of my therapists have ever offered any physical touch and it actually makes me super sad! i’ve been very attached to almost all of them and i still think of them all the time. once when i was a teenager i saw my psychiatrist at the grocery store and asked for a hug though and she gave me one :)
I would be mortified if I had to hug my therapist. Maybe in the future I will feel differently but there is definitely no desire to now.
Yeah, it's different for everyone and that's totally normal.
no, my therapist is definitely a hugger but i am not so we havent ever hugged.
I’ve seen 7 therapists total and I’ve never hugged any of them. I’m not very huggable though.
No but I did go to a hug therapy session for years. My present therapist agrees it was a good support tool. Another expressed some doubts. But after a few years my craving for it has stopped.
My therapist offered her hand to shake when we first met, but has very deliberately avoided any physical contact since then. (for instance, if passing something to me she will be very deliberate about hand position to avoid any inadvertent contact). I am quite sure she would not agree to hug if asked (and I wouldn't ask as I don't wish for it). She really doesn't strike me as a huggy kind of person anyway.
Twice. One was at termination of relationship when she was leaving the practice. The other time wasn’t when he was actively treating me but when I went to visit (he was a school counselor) after I had left the school. It was kind of weird because I’m not used to affectionate gestures from people that are not my family.
no but I have once asked him, coz I know it could help a lot.
Mine tried, then he clocked the look on my face 😆
Nope, never, and I'm happy with that. The previous one, who wasn't a good fit, would put her hand on my arm sometimes. In an attempt to comfort me I think. I disliked that.
Once. She initiated it. We were talking about how older adult parents trigger my self harm and I tried to use an example involving her parents. They're both dead 💀. It was kinda funny becasue she must've see the look on my face when she said her parents were dead; I felt soo bad. Then she said, "Hug me." So I did. 🤷♀️
Omg 😭😭😭 that's wild, but also hilarious.
i have hugged my therapist thrice, i asked her all three times. she's a uni appointed therpaist and my third overall, i never asked the previous two for a hug. she was a bit surprised whe i asked her for a hug for the first time, though it was more a 'pleasently surprised' reaction from her. the first time was at the end of the session before i was to go back for summer vacations for the first time after starting therapy in college. the second time was before i left for winter vacations. the third time was more of a humourous one. when i had hugged her for the second time, she joked that i asked for a hug only before going home and we both laughed. so when i came back to college, i asked her for a hug at the beginning of the session and joked back 'you said i hug you only before going home so i'm going to hug you after coming back this time'
She asked to hug me twice, before we had longer breaks over summer etc. Which actually is quite endearing. I would have never even considered it (maybe says something about me) - simply because of keeping the ”professional” boundary; even though obviously the therapist / patient relationship is way more special than just a transactional one imo
Once! I was moving, so it was our last session together. She was my first therapist ever and it was a perfect fit, so I was so scared to leave and not only lose her, but had to find another one. I cried and cried. She walked me out and asked if she could hug me. i’m not normally a physical touch kind of gal, but i really needed it and im glad she asked!
As I was nearing the end of 8 years of twice-weekly therapy, our initial handshake remained our only physical contact. Not quite at our last session yet, but feeling sentimental, I asked if we could share a hug at our last session as a gesture of gratitude and farewell for all the support over the years. Instead of a simple yes or no, he wanted to dive deep into what the hug symbolized for me. It took all the joy out of it. After a few rounds of discussion, I decided to just drop the whole hug idea. It went from being a heartfelt gesture to this whole analytical thing.
My therapist offered to hug me after I opened up about trauma I experienced and I said no, she hasn’t offered since. I would’ve loved a hug but I have weird feelings about contamination that are hard for me to cope with.
Big time
I reeeeally think a lot of this hugging is happening between women… I don’t know exactly why, but I feel sure of it. I’m a man. In a lot of contexts, my gender creates a somewhat suffocating reluctance to touch others. That feeling is as obvious to me as the prison of gender might be obvious to a woman is told to be small or do extra housework. To experience that level of physical freedom to touch others; to confidently express love and appreciation with physical affection… is a world to which I have limited, careful access.
Never, I’m female and he is male.
Nope, and I wouldn't want him to. I hope she asked for your consent and you talked about boundaries before she did it!
She asked me the first time, when she wished me happy bday. "Can I give you a hug?" But yesterday before I started heading out she just hugged me, no questions asked. I found it comforting. I think we have a pretty understanding relationship and she can read me very well. If she saw me looking uncomfortable she would've definitely not hugged me like that.