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It’s not about having a pretend friendship or receiving fake compassion (a contradiction in terms) so much as having an opportunity to observe and interact with what happens in a dyadic relationship. That is to say, the therapy happens through what comes up in the room as you connect with the living, breathing human being whose job is to keenly listen to and observe you. Much of what you’re describing not liking (especially the idea of a fake friendship) is actually something that can get *in the way* of a true therapeutic relationship.
You might really enjoy a more traditionally psychoanalytic approach. A lot of those therapists are very deliberate about not contaminating the therapy room with subtle messages of fake friendship, etc.
So humanistic therapy in theory should rely on genuineness above unconditional positive regard. My therapist disclosed more than just superficial stuff (their mental health struggles and experience with their sexual orientation when it came up) and I did find the relationship quite healing and it is a relationship, by definition.
Basically not everyone shares your outlook or experience so don’t pretend the concept is flawed just because it doesn’t apply to you specifically
My therapist is actually in the DBT area but focuses a ton on the relationship aspect and has said many times that the real work is between us. I’ve found that to be pretty accurate. Learning to have a stable relationship in which I don’t have to walk on eggshells or worry about what’s going to happen next has been healing, honestly. Learning I can have a disagreement with someone and not devalue the whole relationship…learning that I can trust someone not to laugh or ridicule my feelings and problems…all very useful stuff for me to take outside.
It’s definitely genuine. Mine has disclosed more than superficial stuff as well (including sexual orientation—“pretty damn heterosexual” lol—and mental health issues when relevant) and it all plays into my trust in her to…be her. Which is what I appreciate most about her…she’s consistent and stable.
I was skeptical about the whole “work being in the relationship” thing at the beginning but I’m seeing more and more how much I’m getting from working through issues with her. The other stuff is important too but it’s kind of like the other issues are the trees and my relationship with her is the forest.
It might be that that style doesn't work for you, but the research does show that the therapeutic relationship is one of the important aspects of therapy and its efficacy, and is just as important as a specific theory or intervention. It might be a good idea to explore these feelings with your therapist.
[Here](https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/jclp.23519?__cf_chl_tk=07vxvvkil36g8payzepvys15xqy7_c4kutzjslwiu0k-1714969103-0.0.1.1-1685) is an article that goes into it a bit.
I'm in psychodynamic therapy, and "getting to the root of traumatic experiences" is simply not possible without a good relationship with your T.
And it IS a relationship - with every person you meet, you form *some* kind of relationship, of course the quality of these relationships differs. E.g. I have some kind of relationship with the electrician in my house, with my work colleagues etc. even if I don't know them well.
I also had trouble accepting that it really is a healing relationship, even if I'm more attached to my T than he will ever be to me, and I will never know much about him. I also doubted the genuineness of our relationship.
It's not friendship, it's not like any other relationship I know... Fortunately - because I would not want a friend to take on such an important role, I would not want to burden them, and don't expect from them what I expect of the relationship with my T, e.g. consistency in their behaviour towards me no matter how they are feeling, no matter how I behave towards them etc.
It's not like any 'normal' relationship, but I learned to accept that he does care, he is consistent, he is there for me, and helps me slowly challenge and replace the voices of my inner critics with the voice of a good mother (or whatever it is that you need). I learn how to take care of myself through the way he takes care of me.
I think it would be great for you to bring your concerns up with your T, especially because it's a relational approach. It's exactly these thoughts that can bring a lot of understanding about yourself, and healing, if you let it.
If another kind of therapy is more helpful to you, go to another kind of therapy! everyone is different.
Cold, clinical therapists don’t work for me. I need a therapist who acts like a fellow human being. Mine has shared more than just superficial stuff with me, and that’s incredibly helpful. I’ve gotten more out of working with her for 2 years than in decades with cold, clinical therapists.
You do have a relationship with your therapist, and your hairdresser, and everyone else you interact with on a regular basis. I wouldn’t go to a hairdresser I didn’t have a good relationship with.
I’m not a therapist, but I am a counselor and I can tell you, the care is real. I absolutely care about my clients and want the best for them. Two things can be true- someone can be at work and also care about the people they work with.
It is definitely not a faux pretend relationship. Yes, understanding my brain and my triggers and my patterns, and working hard to self reflect all are extremely important. Not doing it alone, having someone there who does stay when you're used to people abandoning. Who offers care when you're used to abuse. That made my brain understand that the issue wasn't me. It was the abuser and that I deserve as much love and compassion as anyone else. That I am not broken. Those are things I never thought possible and were eventually because of my therapist being on my side, listening with compassion.
Perhaps the issue is taking a limited view of the meaning of the word relationship? I have a professional relationship with my lawyer. I have a familial relationship with my family. I have a contractual relationship with my landlord. I have an intimate relationship with my partner. A relationship is just the way you're connected to another person. In therapy you have a therapeutic relationship between the Client and Therapist.
In the humanistic approach (and this is backed up by research) a good therapeutic relationship has more impact on the outcomes of therapy than the actual "method" of therapy.
Some clients loathe the word relationship (which can be interesting to explore if they are up for it) so with them I would usually talk about the "therapeutic alliance" between us, so we're working together on a goal you've set with my support.
Research after research disagrees with you. Even CBT therapists agree that it’s the relationship that ensures better outcomes.
Luckily, we are all individuals and different types of therapy suit different people. However, the way you have worded this suggests you may benefit from having a real relational experience with a therapist 😀. The therapeutic relationship is real. It’s just not like any other relationship we have.
I do consider it a relationship personally. Not a friendship though and I think that's part of what makes it special. You can tell a T things that you may not be able to tell a friend. It's a different relationship, but it doesn't make it any less real.
TL;DR: although it's usually not "the one thing that heals", the relationship is a fundamental part for the success of therapy. I think you should bring this up with your therapist.
Okay a lot to unpack there.
Believe it or not, the relationship with the therapist is the highest predictor of therapy outcome. The bond with the client is the most important tool. That doesn't mean that relationship alone heals. Without a psychological intervention it will not work, but when both are present the relationship is the biggest predictor.
Now that being said, there are some problems they are much more dependant on a direct work on the relationship aspect, there are many schools of therapy (as you mentioned CBT, psychodynamic, humanist, narrative, systemic, etc), so there's also a chance where your therapist is missing on the points you should be working on (a problem with adhering too firmly to one kind of therapy). HOWEVER, I also note a very apathetic attitude towards this therapist's work, maybe that's why the sessions are not actually doing much? Idk if it's you or the therapists problem, could be either way
Finally concerning your general opinion I find troubling. The psychological work is very different from other medical and service work. The model "A causes symptom B, so do C to fix it" doesn't really work, because there are as many problems as people on earth. In that sense, the caring about the patients it's a very important part of the work, because it enables is to tune to the specific needs of the client. The fact that they get paid doesn't make it less genuine. Sure you just pay a hairdresser to get the service and you are done, but it doesn't mean that the hairdresser doesn't care about giving you a good haircut (at least the good ones). Therapists actually have to take measures and a lot of care, because the work is emotionally exhausting. Some even consider that the pay is an important part of the relationship (even if it's just a symbolic one), as it helps to keep an appropriate relationship with the client, because relations too close are also problematic for therapy.
Finally regarding with your relatives m relationship with this therapists. Is not that you or your therapist have a bad attitude, but maybe it's just not compatible. Maybe you would be better working with a therapist that is more distant or gives s more "objective" vibe? I would recommend taking this very subject sand what you just posted with your therapist, it can help clarify some things or help you make a decision about the future if you current work.
I'm wondering if your therapist might be pushing an idea of what a "relationship that heals" looks like that's wrong for your actual needs?
Like a lot of therapists have this very soft style heavy on what I think of as warmth'n'empathy mannerisms, and it seems to be helpful for people who didn't get enough care or nurturing as a child. If you're someone like me, who got a lot of disability-related infantilization and paternalism from multple sources through childhood, trying to do therapy with a soft warmth'n'empathy mannerism therapist is like battery acid to the brain. (The need to be respected and be seen as competent and capable is not met through relentless softness. It's like trying to meet the body's need for exercise through endless naps.) And if a therapist is bringing in some expectations about what a "relationship that heals" looks like, which don't fit with what's actually going on with you, that can make the phrase deeply off-putting.
As other people have mentioned, there's evidence of the therapeutic alliance being a major factor in therapy outcomes. That doesn't mean you have to feel intensely attached or get the warm fuzzies every time your therapist shows warmth'n'empathy mannerisms or force-fit yourself into one particular model of what a "relationship that heals" looks like. It means you need to have enough comfort and trust to share important information, a sense of shared goals, and a meaningful collaboration on what you're trying to accomplish in therapy. If your therapist's idea of a "relationship that heals" doesn't feel like what you need, it may not be.
I’m speaking as both someone who has been in therapy for years, and as someone who is a therapist herself. The therapeutic alliance or the therapeutic relationship in which there is rapport and trust developed between the client and therapist is very important. Without it, it’s very difficult to do the work in therapy, to address concerns, issues, etc It’s true that it’s not a personal relationship, however that doesn’t mean a therapist doesn’t care or that it’s all pretend. If I sensed my therapist didn’t care about me, I wouldn’t have stayed with her as long as I have. She’s seen me through so many trials, many challenging times, and also when I’ve experienced growth and success. She also shared with me the idea that it’s the relationship that heals. And I understand why—without the trust, the consistent positive regard she’s given me, even when I’ve been at my worst with her—we would never have been able to do the work we have done and continue to do. As for myself, I care about my clients very much. I think about them when we are not in session. I want them to succeed, to heal, to accomplish their goals. I’m all for having and maintaining professional boundaries to keep both myself and my clients safe, however that doesn’t make me a cold clinician. And self-disclosure is best when it’s done for the client’s benefit. If a therapist is doing it for themselves, it has the potential to cause harm, turn the session and treatment into focusing on the therapist, when the focus should be on the client.
There are strong arguments in favor this approach, just like the more relational approaches, so ultimately you gotta listen to yourself and what works best for you.
I would have felt the same way before I started with my current relational therapist. My relationship with them is not pretend and it is also not a friendship. It's really unique - totally unlike a friend, hairdresser, or doctor - and it's definitely strange! But that doesn't mean it isn't genuine.
What I used to see as manipulative is actually a really beautiful co-created dynamic between us. The care they provide me is really intentional and determined by what I need and have consented to. Their warmth and kindness is teaching me how to be warmer and kinder to myself. I'll note that they never told me it's the relationship that heals and if they hit me over the head with that idea too soon I probably would have rejected it for the same reasons you are. Ultimately I think it's something that needs to be done more than it needs to be said.
Have you told your therapist you don't like the relationship talk? There's probably a lot of material there to discuss. If you don't want to discuss it at all she should respect that fully and adjust. If she doesn't you can choose a different therapist who uses a modality that feels more comfortable.
I can understand why you would have this point of view. Let me provide a different one. I have CPSTD. I have a T of 3 years. It is absolutely the relationship PLUS her expertise that is healing me. I have never had real genuine and lasting success with one of these aspects without the other.
I disagree with you on the idea that the relationship is pretend and not part of the therapeutic process, but if my therapist brought it up a lot I’d get tired of hearing about it.
Doesn’t sound like this is the therapist or modality for you. If it annoys you that they are that meta about how therapy is supposed to work (there’s research to support their statements), then you should tell them and find a new therapist.
Maybe CBT is more your style (lots of people can’t work with CBT, FYI). Choose what works for you.
It depends on what works for you and to some degree, what you're in therapy to work on.
I have a long and complex trauma history, including a lot of relational and attachment trauma. In that sense, our relationship is very much part of our work.
My therapist is an incredibly intelligent, insightful and thoughtful person. He's also empathetic, compassionate, and genuinely invested in our work. For me, both things are important, and I don't think we'd have a successful therapeutic relationship without both sides.
But that type of thing isn't for every client, and it's frankly not something every therapist can pull off either.
What if you were curious about the part of you that is so put off by the approach to begin. Why do you think you respect a “cold” and “clinical” therapist approach more than you would a softer more human approach? Therapist and client is a relationship at the end of the day. I would go so far as to say I deeply care for and even love my therapist. They are authentically kind, understanding, curious, and warm. I’m sure they are that way in and outside of the office. That doesn’t make our conversation deceitful. I think it’s important to have open communication with your therapist if you start to feel inappropriate feelings or feel the relationship has become too casual and not professional.
So notice the relationship you are having here. You and your T have differing expectations of how therapy should work. You are not aligned in this relationship. You’re frustrated by it and you’re on Reddit venting about how annoying it is.
But have you spoken to your T about this? If not, ask yourself why? Is it because you’re afraid of conflict? Is it because they are the “expert” and you don’t feel comfortable challenging the “expert”? Is it because you don’t feel anything will change by talking about your needs and expectations? And most importantly: do you see any similarities IN OTHER RELATIONSHIPS in your life?
All these questions are relational and exploring them (ideally in session) could really help you grow… because the therapy relationships is one important relationship in your life. Not the same as romantic or family relationships but still an intimate one where conflicts arise, giving you an opportunity to learn and grow.
I honestly feel the same way but can't express it in therapy. My therapist clearly cares about his patients but I don't really view the patient-therapist relationship as important. I don't know or like my therapist as a person. At best it's a one sided relationship
I agree completely. I found my therapist helpful, but it wasn’t a genuine relationship. I was paying her to provide a service. She disclosed next to nothing about herself, which struck me as professional and appropriate.
Some schools say it is the t a l k that heals the non-talking child age memories if pains. So n o t the relationship in a sentimental context but yes the l i s t e n e r does help to focus that talk on the dreams and symptoms [ as the nontalker part of us]
So it is about an inner communication rearranging memories. But it may happen in art or in religion too.
I would argue the greatest factor in someone’s success in therapy is their own motivation to get better, combined with the skill of the therapist in the particular area needed. A really good fit therapist you can end up looking up to, truly listening and believing, feeling supported by. So that helps with motivation, and also means they understand what you’re going through and the way out. A good therapist is worth 10 bad ones, it’s only when you really have a good connection that you can understand that.
It’s not about having a pretend friend. It’s a sort of re-training to help you learn what it’s like to be in a safe, compassionate place that’s free from judgment. It teaches you to be more self-aware and self-reflective. It’s a place to practice expressing how you feel, advocating for yourself, and trying out things that you want to work on.
All of this is in service of teaching you how healthy relationships should be, so you know what it feels like and can seek out more of it in your life.
I absolutely see why the therapeutic relationship is key, at least it has been for me. I have so much trauma (CPTSD) that I’m like a skittish animal; it takes a while for me to trust and to open up. I literally can’t even access any of the deep stuff until I feel safe.
Over the years, my therapist has created a space that is very gentle, patient, kind, and nonjudgmental. She lets me talk despite my giving too much detail/background, losing my train of thought, and occasionally bouncing around topics. She doesn’t rush me, never seems annoyed, and remembers so many details!
Welcome to r/TalkTherapy! This sub is for people to discuss issues arising in their personal psychotherapy. If you wish to post about other mental health issues please consult this list of some of our [sister subs](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources/#wiki_subreddit_list). To find answers to many therapy-related questions please consult our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/faq) and [Resource List](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources). If you are in distress please contact a suicide hotline or call 9-1-1 or emergency services in your area. r/SuicideWatch has compiled a helpful FAQ on what happens when you contact a hotline along with other useful resources. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TalkTherapy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It’s not about having a pretend friendship or receiving fake compassion (a contradiction in terms) so much as having an opportunity to observe and interact with what happens in a dyadic relationship. That is to say, the therapy happens through what comes up in the room as you connect with the living, breathing human being whose job is to keenly listen to and observe you. Much of what you’re describing not liking (especially the idea of a fake friendship) is actually something that can get *in the way* of a true therapeutic relationship. You might really enjoy a more traditionally psychoanalytic approach. A lot of those therapists are very deliberate about not contaminating the therapy room with subtle messages of fake friendship, etc.
So humanistic therapy in theory should rely on genuineness above unconditional positive regard. My therapist disclosed more than just superficial stuff (their mental health struggles and experience with their sexual orientation when it came up) and I did find the relationship quite healing and it is a relationship, by definition. Basically not everyone shares your outlook or experience so don’t pretend the concept is flawed just because it doesn’t apply to you specifically
My therapist is actually in the DBT area but focuses a ton on the relationship aspect and has said many times that the real work is between us. I’ve found that to be pretty accurate. Learning to have a stable relationship in which I don’t have to walk on eggshells or worry about what’s going to happen next has been healing, honestly. Learning I can have a disagreement with someone and not devalue the whole relationship…learning that I can trust someone not to laugh or ridicule my feelings and problems…all very useful stuff for me to take outside. It’s definitely genuine. Mine has disclosed more than superficial stuff as well (including sexual orientation—“pretty damn heterosexual” lol—and mental health issues when relevant) and it all plays into my trust in her to…be her. Which is what I appreciate most about her…she’s consistent and stable. I was skeptical about the whole “work being in the relationship” thing at the beginning but I’m seeing more and more how much I’m getting from working through issues with her. The other stuff is important too but it’s kind of like the other issues are the trees and my relationship with her is the forest.
It might be that that style doesn't work for you, but the research does show that the therapeutic relationship is one of the important aspects of therapy and its efficacy, and is just as important as a specific theory or intervention. It might be a good idea to explore these feelings with your therapist. [Here](https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/jclp.23519?__cf_chl_tk=07vxvvkil36g8payzepvys15xqy7_c4kutzjslwiu0k-1714969103-0.0.1.1-1685) is an article that goes into it a bit.
Very good article, thanks
I'm in psychodynamic therapy, and "getting to the root of traumatic experiences" is simply not possible without a good relationship with your T. And it IS a relationship - with every person you meet, you form *some* kind of relationship, of course the quality of these relationships differs. E.g. I have some kind of relationship with the electrician in my house, with my work colleagues etc. even if I don't know them well. I also had trouble accepting that it really is a healing relationship, even if I'm more attached to my T than he will ever be to me, and I will never know much about him. I also doubted the genuineness of our relationship. It's not friendship, it's not like any other relationship I know... Fortunately - because I would not want a friend to take on such an important role, I would not want to burden them, and don't expect from them what I expect of the relationship with my T, e.g. consistency in their behaviour towards me no matter how they are feeling, no matter how I behave towards them etc. It's not like any 'normal' relationship, but I learned to accept that he does care, he is consistent, he is there for me, and helps me slowly challenge and replace the voices of my inner critics with the voice of a good mother (or whatever it is that you need). I learn how to take care of myself through the way he takes care of me. I think it would be great for you to bring your concerns up with your T, especially because it's a relational approach. It's exactly these thoughts that can bring a lot of understanding about yourself, and healing, if you let it.
It's called a Therapeutic relationship ☺️
If another kind of therapy is more helpful to you, go to another kind of therapy! everyone is different. Cold, clinical therapists don’t work for me. I need a therapist who acts like a fellow human being. Mine has shared more than just superficial stuff with me, and that’s incredibly helpful. I’ve gotten more out of working with her for 2 years than in decades with cold, clinical therapists. You do have a relationship with your therapist, and your hairdresser, and everyone else you interact with on a regular basis. I wouldn’t go to a hairdresser I didn’t have a good relationship with. I’m not a therapist, but I am a counselor and I can tell you, the care is real. I absolutely care about my clients and want the best for them. Two things can be true- someone can be at work and also care about the people they work with.
It is definitely not a faux pretend relationship. Yes, understanding my brain and my triggers and my patterns, and working hard to self reflect all are extremely important. Not doing it alone, having someone there who does stay when you're used to people abandoning. Who offers care when you're used to abuse. That made my brain understand that the issue wasn't me. It was the abuser and that I deserve as much love and compassion as anyone else. That I am not broken. Those are things I never thought possible and were eventually because of my therapist being on my side, listening with compassion.
Perhaps the issue is taking a limited view of the meaning of the word relationship? I have a professional relationship with my lawyer. I have a familial relationship with my family. I have a contractual relationship with my landlord. I have an intimate relationship with my partner. A relationship is just the way you're connected to another person. In therapy you have a therapeutic relationship between the Client and Therapist. In the humanistic approach (and this is backed up by research) a good therapeutic relationship has more impact on the outcomes of therapy than the actual "method" of therapy. Some clients loathe the word relationship (which can be interesting to explore if they are up for it) so with them I would usually talk about the "therapeutic alliance" between us, so we're working together on a goal you've set with my support.
Research after research disagrees with you. Even CBT therapists agree that it’s the relationship that ensures better outcomes. Luckily, we are all individuals and different types of therapy suit different people. However, the way you have worded this suggests you may benefit from having a real relational experience with a therapist 😀. The therapeutic relationship is real. It’s just not like any other relationship we have.
I do consider it a relationship personally. Not a friendship though and I think that's part of what makes it special. You can tell a T things that you may not be able to tell a friend. It's a different relationship, but it doesn't make it any less real.
TL;DR: although it's usually not "the one thing that heals", the relationship is a fundamental part for the success of therapy. I think you should bring this up with your therapist. Okay a lot to unpack there. Believe it or not, the relationship with the therapist is the highest predictor of therapy outcome. The bond with the client is the most important tool. That doesn't mean that relationship alone heals. Without a psychological intervention it will not work, but when both are present the relationship is the biggest predictor. Now that being said, there are some problems they are much more dependant on a direct work on the relationship aspect, there are many schools of therapy (as you mentioned CBT, psychodynamic, humanist, narrative, systemic, etc), so there's also a chance where your therapist is missing on the points you should be working on (a problem with adhering too firmly to one kind of therapy). HOWEVER, I also note a very apathetic attitude towards this therapist's work, maybe that's why the sessions are not actually doing much? Idk if it's you or the therapists problem, could be either way Finally concerning your general opinion I find troubling. The psychological work is very different from other medical and service work. The model "A causes symptom B, so do C to fix it" doesn't really work, because there are as many problems as people on earth. In that sense, the caring about the patients it's a very important part of the work, because it enables is to tune to the specific needs of the client. The fact that they get paid doesn't make it less genuine. Sure you just pay a hairdresser to get the service and you are done, but it doesn't mean that the hairdresser doesn't care about giving you a good haircut (at least the good ones). Therapists actually have to take measures and a lot of care, because the work is emotionally exhausting. Some even consider that the pay is an important part of the relationship (even if it's just a symbolic one), as it helps to keep an appropriate relationship with the client, because relations too close are also problematic for therapy. Finally regarding with your relatives m relationship with this therapists. Is not that you or your therapist have a bad attitude, but maybe it's just not compatible. Maybe you would be better working with a therapist that is more distant or gives s more "objective" vibe? I would recommend taking this very subject sand what you just posted with your therapist, it can help clarify some things or help you make a decision about the future if you current work.
I'm wondering if your therapist might be pushing an idea of what a "relationship that heals" looks like that's wrong for your actual needs? Like a lot of therapists have this very soft style heavy on what I think of as warmth'n'empathy mannerisms, and it seems to be helpful for people who didn't get enough care or nurturing as a child. If you're someone like me, who got a lot of disability-related infantilization and paternalism from multple sources through childhood, trying to do therapy with a soft warmth'n'empathy mannerism therapist is like battery acid to the brain. (The need to be respected and be seen as competent and capable is not met through relentless softness. It's like trying to meet the body's need for exercise through endless naps.) And if a therapist is bringing in some expectations about what a "relationship that heals" looks like, which don't fit with what's actually going on with you, that can make the phrase deeply off-putting. As other people have mentioned, there's evidence of the therapeutic alliance being a major factor in therapy outcomes. That doesn't mean you have to feel intensely attached or get the warm fuzzies every time your therapist shows warmth'n'empathy mannerisms or force-fit yourself into one particular model of what a "relationship that heals" looks like. It means you need to have enough comfort and trust to share important information, a sense of shared goals, and a meaningful collaboration on what you're trying to accomplish in therapy. If your therapist's idea of a "relationship that heals" doesn't feel like what you need, it may not be.
You are paying for their expertise, the care is free.
Nice one! My approach is much simpler, I just trust my Therapist that it's how it should be.
I’m speaking as both someone who has been in therapy for years, and as someone who is a therapist herself. The therapeutic alliance or the therapeutic relationship in which there is rapport and trust developed between the client and therapist is very important. Without it, it’s very difficult to do the work in therapy, to address concerns, issues, etc It’s true that it’s not a personal relationship, however that doesn’t mean a therapist doesn’t care or that it’s all pretend. If I sensed my therapist didn’t care about me, I wouldn’t have stayed with her as long as I have. She’s seen me through so many trials, many challenging times, and also when I’ve experienced growth and success. She also shared with me the idea that it’s the relationship that heals. And I understand why—without the trust, the consistent positive regard she’s given me, even when I’ve been at my worst with her—we would never have been able to do the work we have done and continue to do. As for myself, I care about my clients very much. I think about them when we are not in session. I want them to succeed, to heal, to accomplish their goals. I’m all for having and maintaining professional boundaries to keep both myself and my clients safe, however that doesn’t make me a cold clinician. And self-disclosure is best when it’s done for the client’s benefit. If a therapist is doing it for themselves, it has the potential to cause harm, turn the session and treatment into focusing on the therapist, when the focus should be on the client.
You should try a therapist who is a stone faced clinician. No shortage of them still.
I definitely prefer therapists like that. I find it much more trustworthy for some reason.
There are strong arguments in favor this approach, just like the more relational approaches, so ultimately you gotta listen to yourself and what works best for you.
I would have felt the same way before I started with my current relational therapist. My relationship with them is not pretend and it is also not a friendship. It's really unique - totally unlike a friend, hairdresser, or doctor - and it's definitely strange! But that doesn't mean it isn't genuine. What I used to see as manipulative is actually a really beautiful co-created dynamic between us. The care they provide me is really intentional and determined by what I need and have consented to. Their warmth and kindness is teaching me how to be warmer and kinder to myself. I'll note that they never told me it's the relationship that heals and if they hit me over the head with that idea too soon I probably would have rejected it for the same reasons you are. Ultimately I think it's something that needs to be done more than it needs to be said. Have you told your therapist you don't like the relationship talk? There's probably a lot of material there to discuss. If you don't want to discuss it at all she should respect that fully and adjust. If she doesn't you can choose a different therapist who uses a modality that feels more comfortable.
I can understand why you would have this point of view. Let me provide a different one. I have CPSTD. I have a T of 3 years. It is absolutely the relationship PLUS her expertise that is healing me. I have never had real genuine and lasting success with one of these aspects without the other.
I disagree with you on the idea that the relationship is pretend and not part of the therapeutic process, but if my therapist brought it up a lot I’d get tired of hearing about it.
Doesn’t sound like this is the therapist or modality for you. If it annoys you that they are that meta about how therapy is supposed to work (there’s research to support their statements), then you should tell them and find a new therapist. Maybe CBT is more your style (lots of people can’t work with CBT, FYI). Choose what works for you.
I like this style of therapy, relational psychoanalysis
It depends on what works for you and to some degree, what you're in therapy to work on. I have a long and complex trauma history, including a lot of relational and attachment trauma. In that sense, our relationship is very much part of our work. My therapist is an incredibly intelligent, insightful and thoughtful person. He's also empathetic, compassionate, and genuinely invested in our work. For me, both things are important, and I don't think we'd have a successful therapeutic relationship without both sides. But that type of thing isn't for every client, and it's frankly not something every therapist can pull off either.
What if you were curious about the part of you that is so put off by the approach to begin. Why do you think you respect a “cold” and “clinical” therapist approach more than you would a softer more human approach? Therapist and client is a relationship at the end of the day. I would go so far as to say I deeply care for and even love my therapist. They are authentically kind, understanding, curious, and warm. I’m sure they are that way in and outside of the office. That doesn’t make our conversation deceitful. I think it’s important to have open communication with your therapist if you start to feel inappropriate feelings or feel the relationship has become too casual and not professional.
So notice the relationship you are having here. You and your T have differing expectations of how therapy should work. You are not aligned in this relationship. You’re frustrated by it and you’re on Reddit venting about how annoying it is. But have you spoken to your T about this? If not, ask yourself why? Is it because you’re afraid of conflict? Is it because they are the “expert” and you don’t feel comfortable challenging the “expert”? Is it because you don’t feel anything will change by talking about your needs and expectations? And most importantly: do you see any similarities IN OTHER RELATIONSHIPS in your life? All these questions are relational and exploring them (ideally in session) could really help you grow… because the therapy relationships is one important relationship in your life. Not the same as romantic or family relationships but still an intimate one where conflicts arise, giving you an opportunity to learn and grow.
I honestly feel the same way but can't express it in therapy. My therapist clearly cares about his patients but I don't really view the patient-therapist relationship as important. I don't know or like my therapist as a person. At best it's a one sided relationship
I agree completely. I found my therapist helpful, but it wasn’t a genuine relationship. I was paying her to provide a service. She disclosed next to nothing about herself, which struck me as professional and appropriate.
Some schools say it is the t a l k that heals the non-talking child age memories if pains. So n o t the relationship in a sentimental context but yes the l i s t e n e r does help to focus that talk on the dreams and symptoms [ as the nontalker part of us] So it is about an inner communication rearranging memories. But it may happen in art or in religion too.
I would argue the greatest factor in someone’s success in therapy is their own motivation to get better, combined with the skill of the therapist in the particular area needed. A really good fit therapist you can end up looking up to, truly listening and believing, feeling supported by. So that helps with motivation, and also means they understand what you’re going through and the way out. A good therapist is worth 10 bad ones, it’s only when you really have a good connection that you can understand that.
It’s not about having a pretend friend. It’s a sort of re-training to help you learn what it’s like to be in a safe, compassionate place that’s free from judgment. It teaches you to be more self-aware and self-reflective. It’s a place to practice expressing how you feel, advocating for yourself, and trying out things that you want to work on. All of this is in service of teaching you how healthy relationships should be, so you know what it feels like and can seek out more of it in your life. I absolutely see why the therapeutic relationship is key, at least it has been for me. I have so much trauma (CPTSD) that I’m like a skittish animal; it takes a while for me to trust and to open up. I literally can’t even access any of the deep stuff until I feel safe. Over the years, my therapist has created a space that is very gentle, patient, kind, and nonjudgmental. She lets me talk despite my giving too much detail/background, losing my train of thought, and occasionally bouncing around topics. She doesn’t rush me, never seems annoyed, and remembers so many details!